Sex for Saints

Episode 343 - Sexual Shame Nov 15, 2024

In this episode, we are going to address a topic that so many struggle with but often don’t talk about: sexual shame. Many carry the burden of sexual shame and it can impact our view of ourselves and our connection with our spouse. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling like something is wrong with you for having sexual thoughts, or if you’ve hidden aspects of your sexuality out of fear or guilt, this episode is for you.

Episode 342 - Rekindling Love and Attraction Nov 08, 2024

Do you know the #1 thing that people google to get to my website? “I’m not attracted to my spouse.” Relationships are a complex thing and it’s natural to have an ebb and flow. Even though we don’t talk about it much, losing attraction or falling out of love with your spouse is a common experience. But it can feel very scary if you’re starting to feel that way. Don’t panic. It doesn't mean that this is the end of your marriage. Listen into this episode where we’ll talk about why this might happen and also what to do if it does. I’ll give you practical tips to work on to get back what you once had. Are you ready? Let’s go!

Episode 341 - Building More Gratitude Into Your Sexual Relationship Nov 01, 2024

Thanksgiving is a natural time to talk about what we’re grateful for, but we often forget to include our sexual relationship on that list. Gratitude is such a powerful force within relationships, and its influence can transform our sexual relationship into the one we’ve always dreamed of! When we actively choose to be grateful for our partner, it opens up space for deeper connection, empathy, and emotional closeness—all of which play an important role in our sexual satisfaction. In this episode, we’re going to talk about how we can bring more gratitude into our sexual relationships. I’ve done the research so let’s talk about the practical ways we can do this. And remember, gratitude is something we can do all year long, not just at Thanksgiving.

Episode 340 - Four Reasons She's Not In The Mood Oct 25, 2024

Desire is a topic that comes up a lot in my coaching business. Couples often wonder why she's just not in the mood so in this episode, we're going to talk about 4 possible reasons why. While this isn't a complete list, these are the reasons I hear most often. So listen in to not only find out why she's just not in the mood but also what you can do about it.

Episode 339 - Sexual Leftovers Oct 18, 2024

Have you ever felt like your sex life is stuck in a predictable, comfortable routine? It’s not unusual to feel this way but how do you get out of it? Let me answer that question and more in this episode. We will talk about a concept called “Sexual Leftovers,” those things that feel safe and not too scary in the bedroom, instead of the intimate connection that you want sex to be. And we will talk about how to address those underlying anxieties that keep you and your partner from enjoying your sex life to the fullest. There is no need to be stagnant. You can reignite that spark!

Episode 338 - The Importance of Aftercare Oct 11, 2024

What is aftercare? Well, to put it simply, it’s what happens after you have sex. Do you jump right up and go on with your day or do you take some time to cuddle? Aftercare plays such a significant role in building and sustaining intimacy in a relationship. That’s why I want to talk about it in this episode. Why is aftercare so important and how to introduce it if it’s not already a part of your sexual routine. Let’s really break this down and talk about how aftercare impacts relationships at a deep level.

Episode 337 - Signs That Someone is Bad in Bed Oct 04, 2024

Are you bad in bed? Is your spouse? Being “bad in bed” isn’t a thing that should cause shame or anger but it is something that needs to be looked at more. And it usually starts outside the bedroom. In this episode, we’re going to talk about what it means to be “bad in bed” and what to do about it if you recognize yourself or your spouse in the list. With my normal honest and forthright style, I’ll give you exactly what to say and do to no longer be “bad in bed.”

Episode 336 - When Erections Fade - Understanding, Supporting, and Thriving Together Sep 27, 2024

Even though this topic can feel a little awkward, frustrating, and even scary, I think it’s important to talk about because all couples will probably have this happen from time to time in their sex lives. So, the question is, what happens when men lose their erections during sex? In this episode, we’re breaking down why this happens, what to do when it does, and how to support each other through it. Let’s look at this from the men’s and women’s perspective so that you can have a better understanding of what is going on and how to react when it does happen.

Episode 335 - The Benefits of Sleeping Nude Sep 20, 2024

Is it time to ditch your pajamas? This topic may make you blush, but let’s talk about why we might want to think about sleeping nude or partially nude. From the benefits, challenges, and health advantages, to how to introduce it to your partner, we’ll talk about the surprising impact it could have on your relationship. So, sit back, get comfortable, and let’s talk.

Episode 334 - What to do with Unanswered Arousal Sep 13, 2024

Let’s be honest, most of us were not taught what to do when our arousal was unanswered. So, let’s talk about it. What happens when we’re turned on, but our spouse declines? How do we channel that energy into something productive and healthy? And, how do we teach our children to understand unanswered arousal? We’ll talk about all of this and more in this episode. Are you ready for real change? Let’s go!

Episode 333 - Breaking Free of Sexual Archetypes Sep 06, 2024

What is an archetype? In very simple terms, it’s a “should”. As the man, I “should” be the primary breadwinner. As the woman, I “should” cater to my husband’s sexual needs. But, are these “should’s”, these archetypes, really who you are deep down inside? In this episode, we’re going to talk about relationship and sexual archetypes. We’ll identify them, discuss how they’re shaped, and the benefits and problems they bring. Finally, we’ll talk about why it’s crucial to break free from them. Society has long-standing traditions and norms that dictate what roles men and women “should” play. You see it everywhere. With my step-by-step guide, you can break free from these archetypes and find what you actually want to do, not what you “should” do.

Episode 332 - What Is Your Touch Communicating Aug 30, 2024

I often see people wanting to uplevel their sex lives, but ignoring non-sexual touch completely. But, non-sexual physical intimacy is just as important, if not more important than sexual intimacy. In this episode, we’re going to talk about touch and how important it is to our relationships. Let’s talk about why touch is so important, the difference between intimate and sexual touch, how to navigate touch when partners have different needs or feel overwhelmed, and ways to build a culture of touch and pleasure in your relationship. Don’t be so focused on how to have great sex that you forget about the daily intimacies of touch; the hugs, the kisses, the embraces, the handholding, the importance of touch as a love language and also as a form of foreplay and making love itself. So, what is your touch communicating? Let’s find out.

Episode 331 - Are Your Teens Interrupting Your Sex Life? Aug 23, 2024

I recently got a DM from a listener asking me how to navigate her sexual relationship with teens in the house. We often think that little kids make it harder to have sex, but sometimes teenagers are even harder. They have crazier schedules, they stay up later, and they have more knowledge about what’s going on in the bedroom. So, in this episode, I want to talk to those mid-life couples who have teenagers and young adults at home, but who want to find ways to have a great sex life too. Listen in as I explain to you how to navigate this season.

Episode 330 - Consumption vs Connection Aug 16, 2024

I recently had the opportunity to be a guest on the Therapy Brothers Podcast. I talked with Tyler and Brannon about the difference between consumption and connection. I really enjoyed our conversation and the insights that were shared and wanted to share those things with you. So, here is my conversation with Tyler and Brannon of the Therapy Brothers Podcast.

Episode 329 - A Different Way to Approach Sex Aug 09, 2024

What if I told you that the way you have been thinking about sex is wrong? What if that’s the reason you don’t have the sex life that you thought you’d have? I know that your intentions are good. I know that you know that sex is good for your marriage, but maybe it’s the way that you look at sex that is affecting your relationship. In this episode, I want to talk about a different way to approach sex in your marriage; a more mindful approach that fosters authenticity, self-expression, and love, intimacy, and connection. Let’s go!

Episode 328 - Fantasy vs Desire Aug 02, 2024

I’ve noticed a lot of people expressing problems with their spouse’s fantasies. They don’t understand certain fantasies, and they are afraid that their spouse wants to turn them into reality. But, there’s a difference between fantasy and desire. A fantasy is more about thoughts where a desire is bringing that thought into reality. Let’s talk more about the difference and what that means to your relationship in this episode.

Episode 327 - Traits of Healthy Couples Jul 26, 2024

Do you know what a healthy relationship looks like? Many of us don’t because our parents didn’t know what a healthy couple looked like either. But we can change that now. In this episode, we’ll talk about why we want to have a healthy relationship beyond being a good example to our children. Then we will talk about what a healthy couple looks like. I’ll bet you’re already doing some of these things, so it’s time to add a bit more.

Episode 326 - Mining for Conflict to Increase Intimacy Jul 19, 2024

In this episode, I want to talk about something that may make you feel a little uncomfortable - mining for conflict. It is absolutely crucial for the health and intimacy of our relationships, but what is mining for conflict? It means actively seeking out and addressing underlying issues in a relationship. Finding these conflicts before they escalate into bigger issues and addressing the problems. Why rock the boat? Well, even if you’re ignoring them, the issues are still there. I’m going to give you real steps to take to not only find the conflicts, but to fix them as well.

Episode 325 - Why Sex Seems So Hard Jul 12, 2024

In this episode, I want to talk about a question I get asked all of the time. It’s said in different ways, but it all comes down to this - Why does sex often seem so hard, even when we genuinely want to have it? Have you ever wondered that? Sex is a beautiful, integral part of a healthy marriage, but it’s not uncommon to face challenges in this area, as we all know. So, let’s break down some of the reasons why we might struggle and explore ways to make things better. Are you ready? Let’s go!

Episode 324 - Are Devices Hurting Your Sex Life? Jul 05, 2024

In this episode, I want to talk about something that is more and more relevant in our digital age - how devices are hurting marriages and sexual relationships. Because this is now the third leading cause of divorce in the United states, it seems like it’s something that needs to be discussed. So, let’s discuss why devices can be so bad for our relationships, and what we can do about it.

Episode 323 - How Much Sex is Normal in Marriage? Jun 28, 2024

This is something I get asked all the time! I understand why people want to know, but the answer isn’t so black and white. In this episode we’re going to talk about what is normal when it comes to sex in marriage, and how to get to normal if you feel like your sex life is outside the so-called norm. Are you wondering how much sex is normal in marriage? Let’s answer all your questions.

Episode 322 - Feeling Like You Are Never Enough Sexually Jun 21, 2024

Have you ever felt like you weren’t enough in your life? Most people do, but when that feeling creeps into the bedroom, it can be incredibly frustrating and disheartening. Maybe you feel like you will never satisfy your spouse or maybe you’re met with “I’ll never be enough for you” when sharing your wants and desires. Either way, I know how difficult it can be! So, in this episode, we’re going to unpack the phrase “I’ll never be enough for you” and explore what’s really going on beneath the surface.

Episode 321 - Sexual Martyrdom Jun 14, 2024

In this episode, we are going to talk about a topic that’s all too common but not often discussed—sexual martyrdom in marriage. I’ll answer questions like: What does it mean to be a sexual martyr? Why is it detrimental to your relationship and yourself? And how to recognize and shift out of this mindset. Let’s find a way to break this cycle!

Episode 320 - Using Sex As A Bandaid Jun 07, 2024

A while ago, I was at an event with a lot of other women. A woman sat down next to me and asked, “What if the sex is really good, but the rest of the marriage isn’t great?” After talking with her about this question for most of the night, I knew this was something I wanted to discuss on the podcast. Why do we use sex as a bandaid? And, more importantly, what can we do to stop it? It may be a temporary fix for the underlying issues, but in the end, it will create distance and resentment in your marriage, which none of us want. We all have used sex as a bandaid before, but let’s look at how we can change that habit.

Episode 319 - Managing Your Spouse and their Sexuality May 31, 2024

In this episode, we’re tackling a delicate and crucial topic: managing your spouse’s sexuality. What does this mean? Why do people do it? How does it affect both higher desire and lower desire partners? Why isn’t it the best approach? We’ll answer all of these questions and more. This one may surprise you. Take a listen.

Episode 318 - The Sexual Stories That Hurt Our Relationship May 24, 2024

When it comes to life, our perception is our reality. And these perceptions also shape our sexual relationships. Unfortunately, we often look at these perceptions as facts rather than realizing that they are an interpretation of facts. So, in this episode, we are going to talk about our perceptions, how they are shaped, and what those perceptions create in our sexual relationship. I specifically talk about the perceptions that we have around being the lower desire partner or the higher desire partner and our spouse in their role as well. Let’s talk about why it’s good to be aware of our perceptions and try to change them in some instances.

Episode 317 - Measuring the Quality of Our Marriage May 17, 2024

We often check in with our finances, our physical health, or our mental health, so why not our relationship health? In this episode, we will talk about why we should measure the quality of our marriages, how to measure both your relationship AND your sexual relationship. And what to do if we find things that we need to address. I would love for each of us to come through this with stronger marriages. Let’s get started!

Episode 316 - If You Love Me… May 10, 2024

“If you love me…” I’ve been seeing this phrase thrown around quite a lot lately. My clients often tell me that their spouse has said, “If you love me, you’d have more sex with me.” I recently saw in a Facebook group that someone said to their spouse, “If you love me, you’ll stop watching porn.” At first glance, this phrase doesn’t seem like that big of a deal but it’s actually quite damaging in a relationship. In fact, a therapist called it “the divorce formula.” In this episode, we’re going to explore how this phrase can impact your relationship and what you can do about it.

Episode 315 - The Burden of Initiating May 03, 2024

Initiating sex is really important in your relationship, but it can also be really hard. Because of societal norms, we sometimes think that men should always initiate because women should be more passive in bed. This can lead to resentment, especially when he is always being rejected. Now, I’m not saying that women always need to initiate sex or always say yes, but I am saying that talking about it is key. So, in this episode, let’s talk about how initiating sex can be a burden, but it doesn’t have to be.

Episode 314 - Sexual Resentment Apr 26, 2024

Sexual Resentment is a complex emotion where we feel our needs are not being met in one way or another. If we take a step back and look at the stories that we are telling ourselves about our spouse and their inability to meet our needs, we can see that those stories are simply not true. They are not serving us well and in fact are eroding our connection and trust in our marriage. So, how do you change that narrative you’ve been telling yourself about why your spouse isn’t meeting your needs? Let’s talk about it.

McArthur Krishna's Books:

Cherish - Vol 1

Cherish - Vol 2

A Girl’s Guide to Heavenly Mother

A Boy’s Guide to Heavenly Mother

Episode 313 - Level 3 Sex Apr 19, 2024

For the last couple of episodes, we’ve been talking about the different levels of sex. So, in this episode, we’re going to talk about the pinnacle of marital intimacy - Level 3 Sex. I’ll explain all about what Level 3 Sex is, why couples would aspire to reach it, and how both partners can contribute to this sacred and transformative journey. This is the destination that I want for every couple! Listen in as I explain the why’s and how’s of Level 3 Sex.

Episode 312 - Level 2 Sex Apr 12, 2024

In the last podcast, we talked about Level 1 Sex, what it is, and what we can do about it. So, in this podcast, we are talking about Level 2 Sex, what it is and why you’d want to level up your sex life. Level 2 Sex is not the end of your sexual journey, but rather part of the journey. It’s the zone where you’re not quite at the peak of desire, but you’re certainly not in the valley of disinterest either. It’s like standing at the edge of a pool, dipping your toe in, but not fully diving in just yet. Are you ready to level up your sex life to Level 2? Listen in!

And don’t miss the next podcast all about Level 3 Sex!

Episode 311 - Level 1 Sex Apr 05, 2024

In this episode, we’re diving into a topic that might resonate with many of you - Level 1 Sex. What is it? What isn’t it? And most importantly, how can we move towards a more fulfilling experience in our intimate relationships? I’ll answer these questions and more as we discuss how each partner might contribute to Level 1 Sex and why it’s hard to break out of it. There is better sex out there my friends! It starts with a willingness to change. So let’s start today!

Episode 310 - Overcoming Sexual Disappointment Mar 29, 2024

Sexual disappointment is a complex emotion. Whenever we have expectations and those expectations aren’t being met, it’s natural to be disappointed. But what really matters is how we deal with that disappointment. Do we pretend we’re fine? Do we get angry? Do we avoid the emotion? Or do we talk about it? We are surrounded by examples of what a ‘real’ sexual experience should look like, but they aren’t reality. Having desires and fantasies is wonderful, but once we let in the expectations, that’s where disappointment comes from. Let’s talk about what we can do to overcome the sexual disappointment in our relationships that’s causing us to be disconnected from our spouse.

Episode 309 - Are You Using Your Wife for Sex? Mar 22, 2024

When asked, “Are you using your wife for sex?”, most men would say, "Absolutely not”! But is that true? Many men use their wives for sex without even realizing they are doing it. They don’t do it maliciously, but that doesn’t mean they don’t do it. In this episode, let’s talk about what it means to use your wife for sex, why you do it, and how to change that habit. This episode is for men and women who want to break out of a sexual habit that isn’t getting you the connection you need or want in your relationship.

Episode 308 - Relational Listening - An Essential Sexual Conversation Skill Mar 15, 2024

In this episode, let’s talk about one of the most powerful tools in your relationship toolbox - relational listening. What is relational listening? It’s more than hearing, it’s understanding. So, how do you use it in conversations? Let’s talk about that! Listen to this episode to know what to do before, during, and after having a relational conversation with your spouse. Learn how to create a safe space for both of you to express your desires, fears, and fantasies so that you can have that fulfilling sexual relationship you’ve always wanted.

Episode 307 - 3 Things That Affect Sexual Desire Mar 08, 2024

Sexual desire is much more complex than many of us are led to believe. Desire is multifaceted and must be examined from a biological, psychological, and sociological standpoint. Why do I talk about desire so often? Because a lack of desire is the number one thing that women come to me for help with. They tell me that their desire has just disappeared and they have no idea where it’s gone. So, let’s dive into what goes into desire and maybe how to get it back.

Episode 306 - The Four Things We All Want in our Sexual Relationship Mar 01, 2024

I’ve been thinking a lot about what we all want in our relationships and what that means to our relationships. So, today I’m going to share with you the four things that we all want in our sexual relationships. We may call them different things, but everyone wants essentially the same thing. I am also going to talk about what happens when these things we want aren’t happening in our sexual relationships. And what you can do about that. You see, the absence of these foundational values can lead to a host of challenges that impact both the marital and sexual aspects of a relationship. Let’s see what we can do about that!

Episode 305 - What Every Couple Needs To Know About Women’s Hormones - An Interview with Dr. Kelly Casperson Feb 23, 2024

I am so excited for you to hear this interview with Dr. Kelly Casperson. We talk about what you and your partner need to know about women’s hormones. We as women don’t get a lot of information about hormones in general but especially during perimenopause and menopause. Even if you’re not quite there yet, you are going to want to listen to what Dr. Kelly has to say because we will all go through this! This is an episode you are going to want to share with all of the women in your life.

Dr. Kelly Casperson is a urologic surgeon, author, sex educator, and top international podcaster whose mission is empowering women to live their best love lives. She combines education, humor, and candor in her podcast, You Are Not Broken, where she dismantles the myths people have learned and normalizes healthy, enjoyable sex worth desiring. For more information, follow Dr. Kelly on Instagram (@kellycaspersonmd), or visit kellycaspersonmd.com.

Episode 304 - Female-Centric Sex Feb 16, 2024

I know that some of us, both men and women, feel that female-centric sex is selfish. But it absolutely is not! Let’s talk about why women may not want to transition to a female-centric approach to sex and why men might not want to as well. But when it comes down to it, a female-centric approach to sex can be a transformative journey for couples, deepening their intimacy, connection, and satisfaction. Want to learn how? Listen in!

Episode 303 - The Common Thread Between Money & Sex Feb 09, 2024

At first thought, money and sex may not seem to have a lot in common. But if you think about it, when you improve something about your relationship, it often extends to all of your relationship. That’s why I asked Ruth Liebel to join me on the podcast to talk about money. Ruth is an amazing financial coach that will help you see that we often come into our marriages with different ideas of what it means to be “good” with money. Listen to get some clarity about how you manage your money in your marriage, and how improving that part of your relationship will improve your sexual relationship as well.

Ruth Liebel (Lee-bull) is a financial coach who teaches Christians how to make decisions with their resources that improve their quality of life and support their values. She specializes in helping couples get on the same page, and in creating healthy boundaries around money. Too many lives, marriages, and families are short-changed, even destroyed, by financial chaos. The solutions to so many financial problems are simple and can become commonplace in our homes.

Ruth got her bachelor’s degree in family finance (debt free) and did her practicum in financial counseling. She has worked with domestic violence shelters, HUD, Head Start, churches, and non-profit organizations. She is a certified YNAB Budget Coach, completed Ramsey Solutions Master.

Coach Training, and was a Ramsey Preferred Coach the first two years of her coaching business. Ruth is madly in love with her husband of 17 years, and the biggest fan of her four kids. Her husband came from a very different financial culture than her, and it has been a long, diligent process to create a financial theology and plan that satisfies them both. She knows "good debt" does NOT feel good; vulnerability is scary; healthy boundaries are the difference between joy and

hell; and having somewhere safe to process your thoughts and options is a total game-changer. She absolutely loves her life now, and loves helping people create a life they love as well.

You can find her:

At her website: www.ruthliebelcoaching.com

On Instagram: @ruthliebel

And by emailing her: ruth@ruthliebelcoaching.com

Episode 302 - When Your Partner Won’t Grow Sexually Feb 02, 2024

Sex, intimacy, and personal growth are all tied together. And when your partner doesn’t want to grow sexually, but you do, it can cause a lot of conflict. It’s not uncommon to find yourself in a situation like this, so in this episode, I’m going to share with you three steps to take to understand the situation completely. I’ll even share with you what to say that may help the situation.

Episode 301 - Mature Feminine Sexuality Jan 26, 2024

I recently was a guest on the Live Your Why podcast with Tammy Hill. I thought the episode was so good, I asked Tammy if I could share it with you as well. She was excited to share what we talked about with you too! So listen in as I share some parts of my story that you may not have heard yet, along with talking about what mature feminine sexuality is. And no, we’re not talking about seniors, but all of us. So, let’s talk about why we need mature feminine sexuality and how it actually helps us get closer to our Heavenly Parents. You’re going to love this episode!

Episode 300 - Celebrating 300 Episodes! Jan 19, 2024

Wow! Episode 300! I can hardly believe it! I remember nearly six years ago when I started this podcast that I could hardly imagine what 100 episodes would look like, let alone 300. So today's episode is a little different. I asked people to call or write in about an episode that was impactful for them. Join me as I share with you what they had to say.

Episode 299 - Focus On The Journey, Not The Destination Jan 12, 2024

Have you ever been on a road trip and heard the words, “Are we there yet?” That person is just focused on the destination, not the journey itself. The same thing happens in our sexual relationships when we just focus on climax. Our world places so much emphasis on instant gratification that it is easy to let that thought into the bedroom. Are we relishing in all of the minute details and interactions that can lay claim on our body and our heart or are we like the kids in the backseat who ask over and over “are we there yet?” In this episode, let’s take a look at how we focus on our sexual journey, rather than just the destination. I will share with you seven key elements that are crucial for every relationship and contribute to a fulfilling and meaningful experience.

Episode 298 - How To Have Anal Sex Safely Jan 05, 2024

I have had a lot of questions lately about how to safely have anal sex so I’m going to answer those questions here. Anal sex is often intriguing for many couples, and while there seems to be quite a bit of desire to do it from one or both partners, there’s often a reluctance, which is understandable. So whether you’re a curious individual or a couple looking to add something new to your repertoire, this episode will guide you through the ins and outs of anal pleasure, focusing on safety and enjoyment. Join me for this step by step guide.

We are almost at episode 300 and I would love to do something a little bit different and special for this episode. I would love it if you were willing to call in and leave me a voice message with something that was particularly impactful for you. My goal is to have a few that I can air with Episode 300.

Call 385-424-1032

This is a number that goes straight to voicemail, so you won’t be bothering me and can call anytime.

You can leave your name or do it anonymously.

Just share something that has been particularly impactful for you and if you can what Episode # and the title it was. It can be really short or a couple of minutes long. This would mean so much to me, so thank you! The deadline to submit this is Monday, January 15, 2024.

Episode 297 - Prioritizing Sex in the New Year Dec 29, 2023

I want you to prioritize sex in the new year. I hear from clients all the time that they just don’t have time to have sex. That’s because you’re not making it a priority. Why have more sex? Because it helps you have a healthier and more fulfilling connection with your partner. Here are my practical tips on how to make sex a priority in the new year! You are going to LOVE number 7!

We are almost at episode 300 and I would love to do something a little bit different and special for this episode. I would love it if you were willing to call in and leave me a voice message with something that was particularly impactful for you. My goal is to have a few that I can air with Episode 300.

Call 385-424-1032

This is a number that goes straight to voicemail, so you won’t be bothering me and can call anytime.

You can leave your name or do it anonymously.

Just share something that has been particularly impactful for you and if you can what Episode # and the title it was. It can be really short or a couple of minutes long. This would mean so much to me, so thank you! The deadline to submit this is Monday, January 15, 2024.

Episode 296 - Sexual Responsibility for Those with Responsive Desire Dec 22, 2023

We have often talked about spontaneous desire vs responsive desire on my podcast. But today, I want to go a little deeper into the responsibility you have if you happen to have responsive desire. Often women, and some men, have responsive desire, but that doesn’t mean that their partner is always in charge of initiating. You can have a high sex drive and even be the higher desire partner with responsive desire. Let me show you how!

Episode 295 - Why You Should Be Using Lube Dec 15, 2023

Clients will often tell me that they don’t need to use lube because there isn’t anything wrong with them. This could not be further from the truth! There are many things that will affect your natural lubrication, including stress or dehydration, so having some lube you love at your fingertips will only make sex better. In this episode, we’re going to talk about why we use lube, how to choose the right lube and what lubes I like the best. You should be using lube! Here’s why.

Some of my favorites:

Coconu carries my favorite water-based and oil-based lube. Their hemp infused oil-based is a favorite of mine and can enhance orgasms. Use the code Amanda at checkout for 15% off.

Uberlube is another favorite of mine. This one is silicone based. It has vitamin E, is so silky and soft, feels good on my skin, and is long lasting. It is also flavorless.

Sutil is recommended if you have had a decrease in estrogen levels, either with menopause or breastfeeding.

Other brands I’ve either tried or heard good things about: Sliquid, Aloe Cadabra, Waterslide, YES, and The Butters.

Episode 294 - Sexy Holiday Gift Guide Dec 08, 2023

This holiday season, can I suggest a new tradition? Giving, and receiving, sexy holiday gifts! When we’re thinking about gifts for our spouse, we often think about what they need or want, and while that’s great, I think as a couple, it’s important to use this time to give each other something that helps turn up the heat and the desire in the bedroom. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. It can be as simple as a sexy playlist. Join me as I share with you 6 ideas on how to have a sexy holiday this year!

Episode 293 - Increasing the Sexual Connection During the Holidays Dec 01, 2023

I have a friend who has 7 kids, all born in September. That means that they were all conceived around Christmas. We’ve often joked about this with her, but it turns out that they aren’t the only ones who get especially horny during the holiday season. In fact, more babies are conceived in December than any other month! Why is this? That’s what we’re talking about in the episode. There are some biological factors, some psychological factors, as well as some social and environmental factors that are playing a role in this, but whatever the reason, it’s a great time of year to connect sexually with your spouse!

Episode 292 - Embracing All Parts of Us Nov 24, 2023

I’m speaking with therapist Jeff Lundgren, again, today about internal family systems. It’s a therapeutic modality that he uses in his practice that I find fascinating. If you’ve ever seen the movie Inside Out, you’ve had an introduction to this type of therapy. So, in this episode, we talk about where the internal family systems came from, and most importantly, how it can help us in our sexual lives. I invite you to join us for this fascinating look into our minds.

Jeff Lundgren is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and holds a certificate as a Psychedelic-Assisted Therapist Provider. Jeff is a member of the Mormon Mental Health Association and the owner of a private group practice in Millcreek - Oak Branch Counseling. Jeff lives in Salt Lake City. He has a passion for the outdoors, music, autocross, and the joys of fatherhood.

Episode 291 - Using Psychedelics in Sex Therapy Nov 17, 2023

At times in my coaching career, I’ve been asked by clients about the use of psychedelics in sex therapy. I know that this may be a controversial topic, but I think it’s important to be given all of the information so you can make the decision for yourself. I am excited to have Jeff Lundgren on the podcast today to talk about it. This interview is fascinating! We talk about the history of psychedelics and their use in therapy. And Jeff shares some success stories he has witnessed in clients who used psychedelics to heal sexual dysfunction. Even if you’ve never been curious, I would still encourage you to listen to this episode to learn more about how to heal dysfunction in your life.

Jeff Lundgren is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and holds a certificate as a Psychedelic-Assisted Therapist Provider. Jeff is a member of the Mormon Mental Health Association and the owner of a private group practice in Millcreek - Oak Branch Counseling. Jeff lives in Salt Lake City. He has a passion for the outdoors, music, autocross, and the joys of fatherhood.

Episode 290 - What Makes A Marriage Thrive Nov 10, 2023

Most of us will say that our marriage is our most important relationship. Yet we often let things get in the way of making it great and our marriage gets put on the back burner. Whether that is kids, work, hobbies, or church callings, we don’t put enough into our relationship. And that relationship is barely surviving instead of thriving. And when our relationship suffers, often so does our sexual relationship. So in this episode, let’s talk about 11 ways to make a marriage thrive. We’ll discuss how these strategies can help both your marriage relationship and your sexual relationship because we often talk of sex as a need, but it’s not a need like air, food or water is a need. But it is a need for the thriving marriage that we want.

Episode 289 - Consequences of Sexual Accommodation Nov 03, 2023

I think we all want to have an intimate marriage, but we often miss one important step in achieving that. To have an intimate marriage, we must understand and make room for both partners’ wants and desires, without judgment or shame. But what I often see happening is that one partner thinks their wants and desires matter more than the other partner and they expect their partner to accommodate them. Or, I also see that one partner suppresses their wants and desires or preferences to accommodate their partners. This can create resentment, anxiety, and guilt. So, why do we do this and what can we do about it? That’s what we’re talking about in this episode.

Episode 288 - How Your Eating Can Affect Your Sex Life Oct 27, 2023

Have you ever thought about how food can affect your sex life? That’s what I’m discussing today with my guest and fellow life coach Lisa Salisbury. Thinking about what you put in your body and what you want from your body are important. But, let me be clear, we’re not talking about counting calories or macros or anything like that. We’re talking about listening to your body and knowing that if you’d like to have sex tonight, it might be better to not finish your meal and be overly full. I’m so excited for you to hear this interview. It is a great one!

Lisa Salisbury is a life coach for health and weight loss for women who want to lose weight without counting and calculating their food. As a former chronic dieter, Lisa knows what it’s like to be all-consumed with everything that goes into your mouth. It was only when she learned the tools and skills through coaching that she was able to drop the dieting obsession and drop her weight!

Lisa is a certified Health Coach through Institute of Integrative Nutrition and a certified Life Coach and Weight Loss Coach through The Life Coach School. She also has a BS from Brigham Young University in Health and Human Performance.

She takes her clients through a 12 week program designed to help them eat well, think well and live well. When you learn the skill of paying attention to your body and losing weight, you’ll be surprised at how it translates into other areas of life. Craving chocolate & craving more instagram? Same solutions. Avoiding vegetables/protein & avoiding your to-do list? Same solutions. You can hear many of these tools on her podcast Eat Well, Think Well, Live Well.

You can find Lisa on:

Her website: wellwithlisa.com

Instagram: @well_with_lisa

Her podcast: Eat Well, Think Well, Live Well

And download her go to meals guide at: https://view.flodesk.com/pages/625f1d3d96808aece7b0ee33

Episode 287 - Overcoming Boredom in Sex Oct 20, 2023

Many women tell me that sex is boring for them, which is one of the reasons why they don’t have a strong desire for it. No one craves boredom. We crave pleasure, excitement, novelty, and fun. And if sex is boring, you are probably not having any of those things. But one of the biggest reasons why women are bored is because they often aren’t being an active participant. What does it mean to be an active participant in your sex life? It means communicating your needs, being willing to try new things, setting the mood, role-playing, and so much more. It’s time to take control of your own sexuality and be a good receiver of pleasure. Listen to this episode to hear even more ways you can be an active participant and a good receiver in sex.

Episode 286 - Sexual Myths Learned From Porn Oct 13, 2023

The lack of sex education is a real issue in our country, so often people turn to pornography to learn about sex, which doesn’t actually help our understanding of sex nor our relationships. In this episode, we're diving deep into the topic of pornography and its impact on our understanding of sex and relationships. We'll discuss why pornography isn't a great way to learn about sex, the misconceptions and myths it perpetuates, and the potential problems it can create in our sexual relationships. While pornography is a common form of sexual entertainment, it's not a reliable or healthy source of sexual education.

Episode 285 - How Women Can Have Multiple Orgasms Oct 06, 2023

Orgasms are an amazing experience! For most people, they are the most powerful feeling of pleasure available here on Earth. While men have a recovery period after orgasm, women do not. In fact, having multiple orgasms is something that women can learn how to do. Intrigued? Listen to this podcast to learn 5 ways to overcome any barriers you may have and start experiencing multiple orgasms.

Episode 284 - When Your Spouse Has Had Other Sexual Partners Sep 29, 2023

I often get asked by my clients what they can do if their spouse has had other sexual partners. While the reason behind this can vary, it often leaves the spouse who hasn’t had any other partners feeling jealous, insecure, or even resentful. First of all, these feelings are totally natural, but let’s talk about ways to address them and move forward in a healthy way. Join me as I share 7 ways to work through those feelings.

Episode 283 - Maintaining a Great Sex Life While You Are Apart Sep 22, 2023

You’ve heard the old adage, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” right? While that can be true, being apart from your spouse can really affect your intimacy. So in this episode, I want to give you 11 real life solutions on how to keep your sex life alive even when you’re miles apart. No need to put that part of your life on hold while your spouse is away. You’re going to especially love #9.

365 Connecting Questions for Couples

Episode 282 - Sexual Wellness - An Interview with Holly Henry Sep 15, 2023

Our overall wellness as women is so important for not just our lives, but also our sexual being. So today I’m talking with Holly Henry all about sexual wellness. She is a nurse practitioner who doesn’t just look at the physical symptoms, but the hormonal and beyond to help you live your best life. This podcast is coming out today because we have a very exciting announcement to make! Listen in to find out just what it is.

But first, a little about Holly. She is the founder of Lotti Aesthetics and Wellness. Combined she has 20 years of experience in women’s health and aesthetics. Holly has trained medical providers all over the United States at the National Institute of Medical Aesthetics. She is a certified trainer and provider in advanced women’s health modalities like the O-shot and has performed the service for many years. Her passion has always been to empower women with confidence. Holly not only provides beautiful natural results, she also focuses on the connection between the mind, body, and spirit. Holly brings a gentle touch, compassion, experience, and care to each patient experience.

Episode 281 - The Importance of Physical Intimacy in Marriage Sep 08, 2023

When I say “physical intimacy in marriage”, what does that bring up? Usually it’s sex. But intimacy is so much more than just sex. It’s eye contact and hand holding. In this episode, we’re going to explore what intimacy is, why it’s important, why it sometimes declines, and how you can keep the flame alive. Or reignite it if it’s gone dim. What level of intimacy do you and your spouse fall into most? Listen in to find out the levels.

Episode 280 - How To Keep The Romance Alive in Marriage Sep 01, 2023

I often get asked how to keep the flames of romance burning after you’ve been married a long time. So, that’s what we’re going to talk about today. How do you keep those flames burning and not get stuck in a roommate situation. I have 10 areas with specific examples in each of the ways that you can keep that romance alive and rejuvenated. Remember, love is a journey, not a destination. Stay committed, stay passionate, and stay connected.

Episode 279 - The Mind-Body Connection Aug 25, 2023

Your brain is your biggest sex organ. Have you noticed what you’re thinking about sex? In this episode, we’re going to talk about the mind-body connection when it comes to sex. We’re going to look into gaining sexual thought awareness and how those thoughts shape our most intimate experiences. By cultivating awareness around our sexual thoughts, we can open doors to more mindful and fulfilling experiences.

Episode 278 - Teaching Your Kids About Sex, Shame Free Aug 18, 2023

In Come Follow Me this coming week, we read about Paul’s sexual purity letter to the Corinthians. Because of this, I think it’s a great time to not only talk to your kids about sex, but also talk to their teachers about how they will teach this lesson. We need to break the cycle of shaming our kids into not having sex. And that can start with you. Listen to this episode to learn about how to teach your kids about sex, shame free, so they can have a healthy relationship with sex throughout their lives. I know from personal experience that this is an awkward discussion, but it’s one we need to have so let me help you navigate it.

Episode 277 - The Importance of Foreplay Aug 11, 2023

In the last episode, we spoke about erogenous zones. But if you are focusing solely on these areas without any warm-up or creating the right context for sex, you are missing out on a crucial piece - the importance of foreplay. In this episode, let’s talk about what foreplay means and how important it is for both men and women to have an amazing sexual experience. It is the bridge that allows us to transition from the outside world into an intimate space where we can be fully present with each other and attuned to our partner’s needs, desires, and feelings.

Episode 276 - Erogenous Zones Aug 04, 2023

You may remember when Monica taught Chandler about erogenous zones on the TV show friends. (If you don’t remember this iconic scene, the link is below) Chandler was surprised to learn that there were more than 3 erogenous zones. Are you surprised too? In this episode, we’re going to talk about where the erogenous zones are and how best to stimulate them for enhanced pleasure and intimacy. Ready? Let’s go!

Friend’s Clip: https://youtu.be/3NLVior-nLs

Episode 275 - Sexual Validation & Rejection Jul 28, 2023

Wanting sex so you can feel closer to your spouse or because you want to connect with them is great. But sometimes, we start to seek validation through sex. When we’re seeking validation through sex, we see it as our partner not loving us when we aren’t having sex. We also feel rejected, which can cause a lot of hurt and anger. So, what can we do if we are starting to notice that we need sex to validate us? Listen to this episode to find out.

Episode 274 - Sexual Conditioning Guilt Jul 21, 2023

I often hear from my clients that they feel guilty about certain sexual things. When we really look into it, I question whether they’re feeling guilty, which to me means that they are doing something outside of their integrity, or are they internalizing someone else’s emotions about the subject. So in this episode, we’re going to talk about naming the emotion we’re feeling and if it really is guilt, how to change that feeling.

Episode 273 - Overcoming Triggers - An Interview with Crystal Haitsma Jul 14, 2023

In this podcast, I’m talking with Crystal Haitsma about triggers. We hear the word all the time nowadays, but what does it really mean and how is it affecting our relationships? Listen in as Crystal and I define what triggers are and how self regulation can help us get over them. This is a great episode!

Crystal, The Parenting Coach is a Certified Life Coach and Canadian homeschooling mother of 4. She combines her background in Psychology with helpful mindset tools, somatic work and emotional processing to help parents change patterns of generational parenting. She helps you parent calm, confident kids that you LOVE to be around- simply, and in a faith-based way. She is the host of The Parenting Coach Podcast where she shares helpful parenting tactics every week.

Find your parenting personality! Take the quiz here: https://coachcrystal.involve.me/parents-organic

Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-parenting-coach-podcast/id1555361139

Podcast on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0qe7qRHbEQ2cMbl4NiVVOP

IG: www.instagram.com/the.parenting.coach

FB: www.facebook.com/the.parenting.coach

Episode 272 - Decision Not Desire Jul 07, 2023

So many women I’ve talked to have said that they don’t have any desire to have sex anymore. It’s just gone. Now, I’ve talked about desire a lot on this podcast, but today I want to talk to you about one thing that I haven’t talked about before and it just may blow your mind. So, listen in while we talk about desire and how it’s affecting your sex life.

Episode 271 - Not Liking the Sex You're Having ||Embracing You Teaser|| Jun 30, 2023

Do you not like sex or do you just not like the sex that you're having? Oftentimes, we actually just don't like the sex that we're having. Listen to this teaser Embracing You podcast episode as I coach Quinn on how to make the sex that she is having more enjoyable so she can like it more.

Are you subscribed to my private podcast, Embracing You!? If not, you should be. Three times a month, you can listen in as I coach actual clients on anything from making sex more enjoyable to how to navigate life after divorce. For just $99 you can get 36 episodes packed full of important information that can help you in your relationship. Just go to AmandaLouder.com/embracingyoupod/ to subscribe today!

Episode 270 - Sexual Compatibility Jun 23, 2023

Do you worry that you aren’t sexually compatible with your spouse? I think truly being sexually incompatible is rare. But in this episode, we talk about those questions you may be having. What makes for sexual compatibility and what we can do to work on ourselves to make our relationships that much better? If you both are willing to look at yourselves and grow, ultimately you can have that honest conversation you need for both of you to be happy.

Episode 269 - Emotional or Physical Intimacy First? Jun 16, 2023

One of the most common disagreements I hear from couples about sex are about emotional and physical intimacy and which goes first. In my mind, it looks a lot like a tug of war between the couple to show which is the right kind of intimacy for a marriage. It’s time to drop the rope, and find a better way. Listen to this podcast to hear why we need to find a better way and how to do it.

Episode 268 - Affection Without Expectation Jun 09, 2023

When I was first married to my first husband, it felt like he ALWAYS wanted sex. If I showed him any affection at all, it had to lead to sex. I, like a lot of women, didn’t want it to always mean I had to have sex. I missed what it was like when we were dating, when we could be affectionate and that’s as far as it went. So, why does this pattern of expectation start and what can we do about it in our relationships? That’s what we’re talking about in this episode. If that pattern is happening in your relationship, let’s work to fix it!

Episode 267 - Sexual Overfunctioning and Underfunctioning Jun 02, 2023

Let me ask you a question. Are you overfunctioning or underfunctioning in your sexual relationship with your spouse? Taking a look at yourself and honestly answering this question can help you have a better relationship. We often get into patterns and dynamics that seem helpful but end up causing more problems in the end. So let’s define what it is and what we can do about it.

Episode 266 - The Sexual Conditioning of Young Adults that Keep Them From Great Relationships - Pt. 2 May 26, 2023

This is part two of an amazing interview I did with fellow life coach Julie Balkman. This week we’re talking more about our young adults and how they are really struggling in dating and moving into relationships and into sexual relationships. Whether you're a young adult, either single and dating or newly married or you have young adults, even if you have been married a long time, I think you're going to find some really good, valuable insights into why things are the way they are for you in this episode. If you didn’t hear part one, I would recommend listening to that one first here.

Julie Balkman, founder of the 100 Interviews Project and expert panelist for the LDS dating app Mutual, is a dating expert and certified life coach who helps young adults get out of the dating game and into a real relationship that lasts. The dating game often continues into engagement and marriage, so she also works with newly married couples, helping them build a relationship based on real love and intimacy. With eight years experience working with hundreds of young adults (single and married), she has seen firsthand the desire and need for clear answers, actionable steps, and real results. You can find her at juliebalkmancoaching.com and @lifecoach.julie on Instagram.

Episode 265 - The Sexual Conditioning of Young Adults that Keep Them From Great Relationships - Pt. 1 May 19, 2023

This is part one of an amazing interview I did with fellow life coach Julie Balkman. I really wanted to do this interview with Julie because I think a lot of our young adults are really struggling in dating and moving into relationships and into sexual relationships. Whether you're a young adult, either single and dating or newly married or you have young adults, even if you have been married a long time, I think you're going to find some really good, valuable insights into why things are the way they are for you in this episode. Don’t miss part 2 coming next week.

Julie Balkman, founder of the 100 Interviews Project and expert panelist for the LDS dating app Mutual, is a dating expert and certified life coach who helps young adults get out of the dating game and into a real relationship that lasts. The dating game often continues into engagement and marriage, so she also works with newly married couples, helping them build a relationship based on real love and intimacy. With eight years experience working with hundreds of young adults (single and married), she has seen firsthand the desire and need for clear answers, actionable steps, and real results. You can find her at juliebalkmancoaching.com and @lifecoach.julie on Instagram.

Episode 264 - Igniting Passion In Your Sex Life May 12, 2023

Have you noticed that the passion in your sex life has disappeared? It’s time to ignite it again, don’t you think? I was recently on Ashlee Sorenson’s podcast called A Bit Better Everyday and I loved our conversation so much that I asked Ashlee if I could share it with you and she graciously said yes. So, join us as we talk about how we ignite that passion again both in our lives and in the bedroom.

Episode 263 - How Do You Define Sex? May 05, 2023

Our definition of sex can really affect how much sex we’re getting. So, how do you define sex? Is sex just penetration and orgasm? Or are there other activities that you define as sex? This isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer but it’s important to ask yourself how you define it and why. Listen as we discuss what a broad definition of sex can do for your sex life.

Episode 262 - Sleep Divorce Apr 28, 2023

Have you heard about sleep divorce? "Sleep divorce" is a situation where couples sleep separately on a regular basis to improve their sleep quality due to issues like snoring, different sleeping schedules, or personal preferences. Studies show that it can help save relationships, but it may also cause problems. Listen to this episode to find out what those problems may be and how to make it work in your relationship.

Episode 261 - Is Jealousy Good or Bad for a Marriage? Apr 21, 2023

Have you ever been jealous in your relationship? Around 77% of people report feeling at least an occasional jealousy in their relationships. In this episode, we’re talking about jealousy and how a little jealousy in a relationship can be a good thing, but too much jealousy can damage a relationship. Let’s discuss why you’re feeling jealous and what you can do about it.

Sources:

Journal of Personal and Social Relationships Study

Episode 260 - The Sexual Conditioning of Christian Men Apr 14, 2023

Through my own experience and coaching women for five years, I have come to know what the sexual conditioning of women is in our Christian faith, and how to help them. But women aren’t the only ones affected by our teachings. Men hear that they are the head of the household and women are there to nurture them, including giving them what they “need”. Men hear that they are to push down their emotions to be manly. Along with so many other damaging things. So in this episode, we’re going to talk about those misconceptions and, more importantly, what you can do about them.

Episode 259 - How Body Image Affects Your Partner an Interview with Amber A Price Apr 07, 2023

How does your body image affect your partner? That's what my guest Amber Price and I are talking about in this episode. Even though body image issues is something you see a lot in women, men have body image issues too. Listen in as we discuss what we do, why we do it and what we can do about it.

You can find more information about Amber at:

Her website

Instagram

Episode 258 - The Top Reasons For Low Desire in Women Mar 31, 2023

In this episode, we talk about the top 4 reasons for low desire in women that I see in my clients. I break down why women have low desire and what to do about it. So if you want to want sex, but you just don’t, this is the episode for you! I also have a lot of men coming to me to help their wives. Let’s talk about that too.

Here are the episodes referenced in this episode:

Taking Care of your husband’s “needs”

Episode 253 - Consenting to Unwanted Sex

Episode 167 - Is Sex a Need?

Episode 195 - Need-Based Sex

Episode 210 - Blue Balls & Blue Beans

Episode 229 - Duty Sex

Body Image:

Episode 74 - How Body Image Affects Sex

Episode 162 - Attraction & Self-Objectification

Stress:

Episode 226 - The Mental Load That Is Affecting Your Sex Life

Episode 101 - Sex Under Stress

Episode 190 - Creating the Space for Desire

Gender Norms around Initiation

Episode 169 - Initiating Ideas and Styles

Episode 34 - Cultivating Connection & Desire

Episode 86 - Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

Episode 98 - Embracing Your Sexuality

Episode 109 - Higher Desires and Lower Desires

Episode 217 - Reclaiming Desire & Eros

Episode 257 - How Style Helps Your Confidence in the Bedroom - An Interview with Sheri Brasier Mar 24, 2023

In this episode, I’m talking to Sheri Brasier about how to gain more confidence in the bedroom. Sheri is a life and style coach which means that she empowers women to have great style and in turn gain confidence. In our discussion, we talked about how to improve how you look at yourself in order to improve how you feel about yourself and sex. This really is an interesting discussion on style and how it makes us feel. Listen in and tell me what you think.

You can find Sheri on:

Instagram

Facebook

Her website

Her podcast: Creating Unshakable Self Confidence

You can get a freebie called Style Basics Every Woman Should Have in Her Closet by going to this link.

Episode 256 - How to Add Role-Play Into Your Sexual Repertoire Mar 17, 2023

In this episode, I’m speaking with Katie Runyan of Faithful Fling, a subscription role-playing website. We talk about how to easily add role-play into our marriages. This is such a fun episode! Katie talked about how she created her business because it’s what she was looking for when they first started role-playing. Listen to this episode, and then sign up for a free fling.

Katie resides in Kansas City, Missouri with her husband and four children who have all flown the coop! She’s left with an empty house but not an empty marriage yet she spends a lot of time begging them to come home for the weekend! You can find her outside doing a lazy run, visiting local donut shops, taking naps or with her nose in a book.

In the Spring of 2022 she finally took the leap and started her own business where she creates role-play dates for you and your spouse to do together, so Katie is the role-play expert! She named her website Faithful Fling because all of her role-play scenarios will be just between you and your spouse, hence the Faithful part, and she named these fun role-play dates “Flings” because she wanted to apply a fun and flirty word for your role-play date night. She loves what she does and can’t wait for the moment when Faithful Fling becomes a common name for date night!

Katie is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who encourages everyone to embrace their God-given sexuality, improve their intimacy and connection with their spouse and learn to have fun in the bedroom! She’s been married for 24 years and they still date each other every week.

You can find her:

On Instagram

On her website

Or email her at katie@faithfulfling.com

Get your first fling for free!

Episode 255 - Taking Things To The Next Level ||Embracing You! Teaser|| Mar 10, 2023

Rather than dwelling on the questions your brain is offering to you, answer them. Thoughtfully think about them and answer them. You have the answers already inside of you. I’m so excited to share this teaser from my subscription podcast with you. In this episode, I talk to Jen and Floyd about taking things to the next level. I’ve been working with them for a couple of years now and the change has been amazing. But now they’re ready to go to the next level with their sex life. Listen in to see what that means for them and what questions they have as they do it. Are you ready to go to the next level?

Episode 254 - How Can I Get My Wife to Develop Her Sexual-Self? Mar 03, 2023

How do I get my wife to develop her sexual self? That is probably one of the most common questions I get from husbands. This question makes the assumption that if I just say the right thing in the right way their eyes will be opened and all will be right in my world. But that is not usually the case. And what it actually ends up doing is creating more unhealthy pressure. So, how do you create healthy pressure? Listen to this episode to find out.

Episode 253 - Consenting to Unwanted Sex: An Interview with Dr. Cami Hurst Feb 24, 2023

In this episode, I’m speaking with Dr. Cami Hurst about her research into consenting to unwanted sex. This research is ground breaking in understanding why so many middle aged women have no libido. I am so happy to be able to share both what she found in her research and also what to do about it.

Cami Hurst, LAMFT, is a sex and relationship therapist in Meridian, ID. Cami operates a private practice offering therapy, coaching, and online small group education. She is a founder and current President of the Idaho Association of Sexual Health Professionals (ISHP). She holds a PhD in Clinical Sexology and a Master’s Degree in Marriage, Couple, and Family Therapy. Cami is passionate about helping couples and individuals improve their sexual health.

You can find the slides that we reference in the show here.

Find Cami on:

Her website - https://camihurst.com/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/dr.camihurst/

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/camijill/

Her podcast, Sex Therapy 101 - https://camihurst.com/sex-therapy-101-podcast

Episode 252 - A Transactional versus Relational Marriage Feb 17, 2023

My clients often have transactional relationships with their spouses without even realizing it. In this episode, I want to explain what a transactional marriage is, why we don’t want it and what we want instead. I was recently reminded that people often think of our relationship with our Heavenly Father as transactional when all He wants is a relationship with us. As we pattern our lives after our Heavenly Parents, we can come to realize that the relationship is the most important part of our marriages as well. Let’s talk about transactional vs relational marriages.

A Couple's Guide to Creating a More Divine Marriage eBook

Episode 251 - Empowered Sexuality Feb 10, 2023

What is empowerment? More importantly, how can we be sexually empowered? In this episode, we’re going to not only answer these questions, but also how to know if we are sexually empowered or if we’re just seeking outside validation. Sexual empowerment feels differently for everyone which is why it’s something we evaluate for ourselves rather than have someone else tell us. Listen to find out how to be empowered sexually.

Episode 250 - Becoming the Hero of Your Own Story: An Interview with Joey Mascio Feb 03, 2023

In this episode, I’m speaking with Joey Mascio. He is a fellow life coach and good friend who normally works with teens helping them become the hero of their own story. But today we’re taking it a step further. A lot of what we think about ourselves comes from when we were teenagers. So we too need to find a way to become the heroes of our stories! Whether you were a teenager once or are raising a teenager, this is a must listen episode!

You can find Joey at:

His website: http://www.sidekicktohero.com/

His Instagram account just for teens: https://www.instagram.com/sidekicktohero/

His Instagram account for parents: https://www.instagram.com/joey_sidekicktohero/

Or his podcast, Secrets for an Awesome Life: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/secrets-for-an-awesome-life/id1504492900

Episode 249 - Overcoming Sexual Shame || Embracing You Teaser Jan 27, 2023

I’m excited to share with you a teaser for my new subscription podcast, Embracing You. In this Embracing You episode, I talk to Emily about how shame is affecting her sex life. We discuss where this shame comes from and some ways to get over it. Sexual shame is something I see a lot in my clients, especially in our conservative Christian culture, even though we don’t always see it as shame. Listen in as I teach Emily what she can do to stop letting the shame keep her from getting what she truly wants.

If you like what you hear, join me in the Embracing You podcast by going to amandalouder.com/embracingyoupod

Episode 247 - Enthusiastic Consent Jan 13, 2023

What is enthusiastic consent and why do we need to talk about it? That’s what we’re going to delve into in this episode. We have to enthusiastically consent to sex every single time. Just laying there and letting him do whatever he wants isn’t enthusiastic consent. Listen in to see how to give enthusiastic consent and how much better it can make your sex life.

Episode 246 - What is a Covenant Marriage? - An Interview with Aimée Gianni Jan 06, 2023

In this episode, I am talking to my friend and mentor, Aimée Gianni, about how to have a covenant marriage. So often we stay in our broken marriages because we made a covenant. But what if doing that is actually breaking your covenant?

Aimée offers some amazing things to think about if we are at the point where we are thinking about divorce. Even if we’re happy in your marriage, her advice can help us progress along the path.

You can find Aimée Gianni at:

https://aimeegianni.com/

Instagram: @aimeegiannims

Love Notes Sign Up: https://view.flodesk.com/pages/63925632df727ca7117b05f5

Episode 245 - How Conflict in Marriage Builds Intimacy: An Interview with Crystal Hansen Dec 30, 2022

In this episode, I’m talking with fellow coach and my real life best friend, Crystal Hansen, all about how conflict actually builds intimacy in your marriage. I know this sounds counter intuitive, but it really does work. We all want to feel connected and when we try to avoid conflict, that creates a wedge in our relationships. Crystal shares with us Gottman’s Four Horsemen of conflict and the antidotes for each one. This episode is a great way to start thinking about who we want to be in our marriages next year.

You can find Crystal Hansen at:

http://crystalhansencoaching.com/

Instagram: @crystalhansen_

New Podcast: Couples in Conflict

Episode 244 - How My Spouse’s Faith Journey Affected Our Sex Life - An Interview with Lisa Frehner Dec 23, 2022

Often in marriage, if there is disconnect in one part of the relationship, there is also disconnect in the bedroom. That’s how I came to know my guest today, Lisa. After getting married in the Temple, Lisa’s husband had a faith crisis and left the Church. Lisa was angry at him for changing the future that she had envisioned for them. She and her husband found therapy and that really has helped her marriage, but she still didn’t want to have any sort of intimacy in their relationship. That’s what brought her to coaching. I love what Lisa shares about hope and love and joy in this episode. Even if you are not going through the same thing, you will love her message.

Episode 243 - Masturbation Within Marriage Dec 16, 2022

My most downloaded podcast episode is #134 - Masturbation and the Church. I published this episode over 2 years ago and it’s still something I get asked about all of the time. It’s a hot topic because of the negative messages we have received about masturbation. So, in this episode, we’re going to look at how masturbation can increase your connection and intimacy in your marriage, if done in a healthy way. Curious? Listen in!

Episode 242 - How To Flirt Dec 09, 2022

I recently had a client tell me that she has forgotten how to flirt. She wanted to find a way to make her marriage feel like more of a partnership rather than a business relationship. So, here is Flirting 101. Maybe it’s been awhile, maybe you have never been too good at flirting, but flirting is a great way to connect with your husband on a deeper level. Let me show you how!

Episode 241 - Why Women Don’t Reach Orgasm Dec 02, 2022

I often have women come to me wondering why they’ve never had an orgasm. I realize how frustrating it is for both the wife and the husband. I want to help! Why? Because pleasure is important! In this episode, we’ll talk about the 3 things to rule out physically that could be stopping you from having an orgasm. Then we’ll talk about the mental issues that could be keeping you from enjoying orgasms. These are things I help women with all the time. Maybe there’s something you haven’t thought of before.

Episode 240 - How Believing You Are a Good Mom Can Help in the Bedroom: An Interview with Emily Wardrop Nov 25, 2022

You may look at the title of this podcast and think, “What does being a good mom have to do with the bedroom?” My guest, Emily Wardrop of Drop the War Life Coaching, shares with us how your thoughts about how you’re doing as a mom affects your whole life, including in the bedroom. Listen to this episode to hear what you can do to not only KNOW that you are a good mom but also KNOW that you are a good lover.

You can find Emily at:

Her website: www.dropthewarlifecoach.com/

Her podcast: Believe you are a Good Mom with Emily Wardrop

Facebook

Instagram

Download her masterclass on Believing you ARE a Good Mom at: www.dropthewarlifecoach.com/believe

Download her training specifically for T1D Moms at: www.dropthewarlifecoach.com/T1D

Episode 239 - Talking to Teens about Sex Shame Free: An Interview with Crystal Bowman Nov 18, 2022

“How can I teach my kids about sex?” I get this question all of the time. As we are learning and growing, we want to help our kids have a different experience with sex that we had. I get it. So when I heard about Crystal Bowman and her method of talking to kids about sex, I just knew I needed to have her on the podcast. She shares a better way to explain sex to our children than the way most of us were taught. I absolutely love this method of teaching our preteens, teens, and even young adults, and I know you will too.

Episode 238 - Coaching Amelia || Embracing You! Podcast Teaser! Nov 11, 2022

I have an exciting announcement! On December 6, I am debuting a brand new private podcast called Embracing You! In this new podcast, I will be sharing coaching sessions with women or couples who have signed up to be coached on their relationship. Because I know the power of coaching. I know that while you listen to someone else being coached, you will learn things that will help you in your life. So, in this episode, I am sharing a teaser of the new podcast, Embracing You! As you listen to this coaching session, watch for things that you can use in your relationship.

If you’d like to subscribe to my new podcast, do so before December 6 to get the introductory price of $69 for a year. After December 6, the price will be $99 for the year. Don’t miss out on this screaming hot deal! Go to www.amandalouder.com/embracingyoupod to subscribe today!

Episode 237 - Modesty & The For Strength of Youth: A Collaboration with Zach Spafford Nov 04, 2022

In this episode, I talk with my good friend and fellow life coach Zach Spafford about modesty and the new For the Strength of Youth guide. We talk about why this new guide is a step in the right direction when we’re speaking to our youth about modesty and living the Gospel. How we need to let go of some of the old traditions we were raised with when it comes to modesty and embrace a new way of looking at things. With examples from our own lives, this is a very interesting episode that you won’t want to miss!

You can find Zach at:

His website: zachspafford.com

On Instagram: thrivebeyond_forcouples

His podcast Thrive Beyond Pornography

Email him to request a Fireside: zach@zachspafford.com

Episode 236 - The High Achieving/Peace Keeping Dynamic Oct 28, 2022

In this episode, I am speaking with Rhonda Farr. Rhonda is a life coach who works with men and their emotional intimacy. We talk about the high achieving/peacekeeper dynamic that we see so often in marriages. Usually, it’s the husband who is the high achiever and the wife who goes along with what he wants to keep the peace. But as you’ll see, this doesn’t actually help either party. Rather than feeling safe, both spouses end up feeling resentment, anger, anxiety, and depression. So, what can you do if you find yourself in this dynamic? We have the answers.

You can find Rhonda at:

www.rhondafarr.com

On Instagram at rhondafarr_coaching

Episode 235 - Coaching Changed our Marriage Oct 21, 2022

In this special episode, I spoke with Maddie and Matt. I have been coaching Maddie for a little over a year now. We talked about what my coaching program is and what it isn’t. We talked about how Maddie being coached has changed not only her relationship with her husband Matt, but also with her kids and other relationships in her life. Matt talked about how even though he doesn’t get coached directly, he has learned the tools right alongside Maddie and he has been able to become more like the person he wants to be. If you have ever wondered if my Embrace You Elite Society membership is right for you, this is the podcast to listen to!

Episode 234 - When Kids Disrupt Your Sex Life Oct 14, 2022

If I had a dollar for every time a woman told me that their kids were keeping them from having sex, I would have added a lot to my piggy bank. What I have found is that the kids are often a convenient excuse, but really aren’t to blame for our lack of sex. In this episode, we’re talking about 5 common reasons women give me for children interupting their sex life and the strategies to overcome them. After all, your spouse is the most important relationship you have so let’s work together to help you have a better relationship with him.

Episode 233 - Your Sexual Prime Oct 07, 2022

I think it’s safe to say that we all want a great sex life. But most of us just don’t know how to get it! When we run into problems with having the sex life we thought we’d have, especially when we waited until marriage, many people, men in particular, feel like they have lost the opportunity to have the best sex of their life. While studies do show that women reach their sexual prime in their thirties, and men in their late teens, this doesn’t mean that you have missed your opportunity! In this episode, we talk about what a sexual prime really is and why we haven’t really missed out on anything. We can have a great sex life at any age!

Episode 232 - I Don’t Care if I Ever Have Sex Again: A Conversation with Mike Frazier, MD Sep 30, 2022

In this episode I’m talking with Mike Frazier, MD of Strong Men, Strong Marriages. I share what the woman thinks when she says that she doesn’t care if she ever has sex again. And then Mike lets us in on what the men think about. This is a great episode where you can really see what is going on in your husband’s mind when it comes to sex and intimacy and he could get a glimpse into what you think as well.

If you’d like to learn more about Mike, go to www.mikefraziermd.com or find his podcast, Strong Men, Strong Marriages, on your favorite podcasting app.

Episode 231 - Bad Sex Sep 23, 2022

Stop settling for bad sex! I talk to a lot of women who just think bad sex is what sex is or that bad sex is better than no sex. This isn’t true. You can have a great sex life that is fun for both you and your partner. Listen to this podcast where we talk about what bad sex is and, more importantly, what good sex is. Never settle for bad sex again!

Episode 230 - Sex Isn’t A Drive Sep 16, 2022

Have you heard the phrase “sex drive”? I’m sure we all have. But in truth, sex isn’t a drive, it’s a mindset. Why is this important? Because when we think that we need it, or should need it, it becomes a release rather than a way to get closer to our spouse. Listen to this episode to find out what a biological drive actually is, and why it is so important to know that if you don’t want sex, you aren’t broken.

Sex is NOT a Drive Like Hunger, and Here are 2 Reasons This Fact Matters

Come as You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski

Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch

Episode 229 - Duty Sex Sep 09, 2022

What is duty sex? Duty sex is when we have sex with our husbands because we “should.” Because it is our duty as a good wife. Because he “needs” it. Because we don’t want him to look elsewhere for it. Or because we are trying to manage his emotions and behavior with it. We have been convinced that we don’t have to want it too. And this simply isn’t true! Duty sex is passionless and doesn’t create the connection that either of you want. So, how do we stop having duty sex? It isn’t an easy process but in this episode, I’ll share with you the two steps to take to fix it.

Episode 228 - Female Ejaculation Sep 02, 2022

One of the topics I get the most DMs about is female ejaculation. Either women who do it all the time and want to stop or women wanting to know how to do it and everything in between. In this episode, we’re talking about female ejaculation, how it works, why we shouldn’t be afraid of it, and why it actually is pretty amazing. So, why not give it a try?

She Comes First by Ian Kerner

Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston

Medical News Today

Healthline

Episode 227 - How can I be Righteous and Sexual? Aug 26, 2022

I think most of us want to be righteous. We want to do what is right. But where is that line when it comes to sex in our marriages? That’s what we’re talking about in this episode. Where is that line in the sand is? And which side do you fall on? The answer may surprise you. Have you been thinking you are unrighteous for too long? Listen in!

Episode 226 - The Mental Load That Is Affecting Your Sex Life Aug 19, 2022

Do you feel mentally overwhelmed with everything you need to do to take care of your family? With all of the activities, and the doctor's appointments, and the school calendars, not to mention dinner, it gets overwhelming. The answer isn’t to “say no more” or “you’re doing too much.” But what is the answer? Listen to this episode as we talk about how to lighten your load so that you have time to have the wonderful sex life you deserve.

Fair Play Cards

Episode 225 - 6 Emotional Styles of Disconnection Aug 12, 2022

For many of us, we are better at reading our family’s emotions than our own. Why is that and why does it matter? That’s the focus of this episode. We talk about the 6 emotional styles that actually disconnect us from those around us. We talk about why we need to feel our emotions and why that can be difficult. Are you ready to really feel your emotions so that you can have a more intimate relationship with your spouse? Let’s work on it together.

The 6 Styles of Emotional Disconnection with Alex Howard

Episode 224 - What Is The Cause of Your Low Libido? Aug 05, 2022

Women often come to me wanting me to fix their libido. While I wish I could wave my magic wand and make everything better, I can’t. Much like an iceberg, a low libido is often just what we see on the surface and what you don’t see is what is really causing it. In this episode, I’ll share with you 11 things that could be causing your low libido. The good news? Every single one of these is absolutely fixable! You deserve better sex! Let me help.

Episode 223 - Silent Sex Jul 29, 2022

Silence can be good, if it’s a comfortable silence. But when we are uncomfortably silent with our partner, especially in the bedroom, we lose the intimacy that is so important in our relationship. In this episode, I talk about the good and bad of silent sex. I share with you some real life examples of uncomfortable silence during sex and what it does to our relationships. Intimacy issues are one of the biggest reasons women come to me for coaching. Are you lacking intimacy in your relationship?

The Archer and His Rosebud by Mindy Michele

Michele G. Miller

Mindy Hayes

Silent Sex Queen - We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle

Orgasm: Pleasure in the Final Frontier - We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle

This is Why Silent Sex is Awesome

Episode 222 - When You Don’t Know What You Want In Bed Jul 22, 2022

Has your partner ever asked what you wanted in bed, or what felt good, or what you wanted to do next, but you had no idea what to tell him? You are not alone. Many of the women I talk to have no idea what they want in the bedroom, or outside the bedroom for that matter, because most of us were raised to put everyone else’s needs first. In this podcast episode, let’s talk about how to find out what you want in bed. It may just help you in all aspects of your life.

Sources:

Lifehacker

Verilymag.com

Episode 221 - Healing from Infidelity: An Interview with Andrea Giles Jul 15, 2022

In this podcast episode, I talk with Andrea Giles. Andrea helps women heal from infidelity in her coaching program. We talked about how to build trust with yourself again after finding out you’ve been lied to. We talked about how to decide if you should stay or go in your marriage. This is an impactful conversation that I know will help so many of you.

Andrea Giles is a Certified Life Coach who is dedicated to helping women use the trial of marital infidelity to change their lives for the better. She is host of the podcast, “Heal from Infidelity” and encourages listeners from all over the globe to get up from off the floor and get moving toward the life they most desire.

She coaches from personal experience and is driven to show her clients that infidelity can be a springboard for massive internal growth and a marriage of peace and joy.

When Andrea's not coaching, you'll find her enjoying the simple things in life. She loves to read, kayak on the river in her backyard in Montana, play games with her husband and kids, and snuggle her three grandchildren. Andrea is now married to a widower, and they have 12 children between them. Her journey from "there" to here is an inspiring one. She has created powerful healing for herself and wants the same for her clients.

You can find Andrea at:

Her website - www.andreagiles.com

Instagram - @andrea.giles.coaching

Facebook - Andrea Giles Coaching

Episode 220 - The Fear of Pleasure Jul 08, 2022

Do you fear pleasure? You might be saying ‘no’ but many of my clients do. Think about it. Do you take compliments well? Do you look at others who are pursuing their pleasure and think it’s frivolous or inappropriate? It seems paradoxical because we spend so much of our life in the pursuit of happiness. Where does the fear of pleasure come from? For many of us, it comes from our childhood. Children are the epitome of pleasure! But then we’re told to not be so loud, or not do that. And our brain begins to subconsciously equate pleasure with danger or even death. Listen to this week’s episode to see what you can do about your fear of pleasure.

Source:

Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.

Wikipedia - Hedonophobia

Episode 219 - Conscious Partnerships Jul 01, 2022

When we get married, we often think that if we married the “right person,” then everything will be easy. This is simply not true. Every relationship takes work. In this episode, we’re talking about conscious partnerships. Let’s go through the 10 attitudes/behaviors that characterize a conscious partnership. Any relationship worth having is worth working for!

Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.

Episode 218 - The Importance of Being Selfish Jun 24, 2022

Do you think that your own desires are selfish? Most of us women do. We’ve been taught this by well meaning people either explicitly or implicitly. While our desires are not more important than anyone else's, they are AS IMPORTANT as anyone else’s, including our husband’s, our children’s, or anyone else in our lives. Listen to this episode to see how life changing it can be when we start to look at how being selfish sometimes is actually a good thing.

Episode 217 - Reclaiming Desire & Eros Jun 17, 2022

Do you remember what it was like when you were dating your husband? Every touch was electric. You felt alive, maybe for the first time. That was eros energy. The life-giving energy. The erotic energy. But now, after a few years and a few kids, do you still feel that way? For most of my clients, the answer is no. They have given up too much of themselves to their marriage and children that they don’t even know who they are anymore. Sound familiar? In this episode, let’s talk about how you can regain that eros energy. That energy that makes you feel alive!

The State of Affairs by Esther Perel

Episode 216 - CFM: Why is Chastity Important in God’s Plan? Jun 10, 2022

There is a Come, Follow Me lesson coming up in the youth program about the Law of Chastity. I feel that we need to be careful when we’re teaching our kids about sex to not use the fear or shame-based language that was used when we were taught about the Law of Chastity, because I see the results of that every day when I work with my clients. I know that we as parents and leaders are doing the best we can so I created a lesson plan for the youth leaders to know what to say and what to teach and how to say it in order to break that cycle of shame. I’ve also created a parent’s guide to help you talk about this upcoming lesson beforehand. Sex is great! It’s fun! And we want our kids to have that great sexual relationship when they’re married. But we also want to give them the information they need to make an empowered choice.

To download the lesson plan and parent guide, go to: www.amandalouder.com/podcast/216/

Episode 215 - The Sexless Marriage Jun 03, 2022

According to a survey, about 2% of marriages are completely sexless. Or, according to another study, couples are only having sex 10 times a year. Now, if 10 times a year is agreed upon by both parties, then that’s great. But what happens when you don’t agree on the frequency of sex? In this episode, we’re going to take a look at 5 steps to create that intimacy in your marriage again. Passionate marriages take work but it is so worth it!

Sexless Marriage

State of Affairs by Esther Perel

What is a sexless marriage and are you in one?

5 Ways to start fixing your sexless marriage today

Episode 214 - What We Chase Will Run May 27, 2022

My clients often say that they don’t communicate well with their husbands, but actually, we as humans are really good at communicating. In fact, only about 7% of communication is verbal. We pick up on the non-verbal cues that our spouses are giving us, and sometimes we don’t like what we “hear.” So in this podcast, I’m talking to you pursuers out there. (I’m talking directly to the men today, but there are also women who do this too.) The pursuers are the ones who feel like when their wife says no, that just means try harder. You’ve already caught her since you’re married. Are you actually causing her to run when you chase her?

Episode 213 - Disgusted by Bodily Fluids May 20, 2022

Are you disgusted by the bodily fluids of your partner? Maybe you’re disgusted by your own bodily fluids. If so, you are not alone. Many people feel this way. I used to. But did you know that it’s a learned response? And if it’s learned, that means it can be unlearned. In this podcast, we talk about why we feel bodily fluids are so disgusting and what we can do about that in our relationship. You won’t be able to go from “bodily fluids are disgusting” to “anything that comes from the body is good” overnight, but it is possible.

Sources:

BBC News

Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown

Pubmed

Episode 212 - Maintaining a Strong Sexual Connection May 13, 2022

Has sex become boring for you? Do you not want to have sex? Maybe you’re not having sex because there are so many other things that get in the way. So the question becomes, are you not having sex because you don’t like it or do you not like the sex you’re having? In this episode, we discuss how we can maintain that strong sexual connection throughout our marriage. Because life will get busy and you will be tired, but we’ll talk about some ways you can get back that connection again and sustain it this time.

Resources:

Emily Nagoski TedTalk

Ondina Wellness

Episode 211 - Becoming a Peacemaker in Your Sex Life: An Interview with Jessica Farmer May 06, 2022

In this episode, I’m talking with Jessica Farmer, a fellow life coach and friend, about how she went from being a peacekeeper to a peacemaker in her life and her marriage. She shared with us when she realized that what she had always been doing, what she thought she should be doing, was not letting her be completely herself. She was able to move from the peacekeeper that she had always been to a peacemaker that let her be who she was inside. Join us for this awesome discussion about how that change has improved everything in her life, including her sex life.

Find Jessica at:

jessicafarmercoaching.com/

@jessicafarmercoaching on Instagram

Podcast: When Marriage Gets Hard

Go to https://jessicafarmercoaching.com/free-video/ to receive free training on How To Stop Walking On Eggshells In Your Marriage

Episode 210 - Blue Balls & Blue Beans Apr 29, 2022

Are you reluctant to show any affection towards your husband because then he’ll want sex and you’ll have to give it to him? Maybe you’ve been told that when your husband has an erection but doesn’t have an orgasm, he is in actual pain. What if I told you that this is WRONG! Thinking like this makes women feel like we are just objects to relieve their desires. It doesn’t need to be that way. (And guys, women get this too.) Listen to this episode to find out the truth about blue balls and blue beans!

RESOURCES:

Medical News Today

Daily Orange

Priority Mens Medical

Episode 209 - Sexual Barometers Apr 22, 2022

One of the questions I see the most in Facebook groups I follow is, “How do I know if my partner is turned on?” But I think that what they really want to know is the opposite. They want to know why their partner isn’t showing the outward signs of arousal like an erection or wetness. Let’s talk about what some studies have found about the difference between men and women when it comes to how our bodies react to stimuli and how our brain reacts. Because, as with most things, they are very different.

Sources:

Come As You Are by Emily Nagasaki

Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá

Episode 208 - The Lie of “Happy Wife, Happy Life”: An Interview with Glenn Lovelace Apr 15, 2022

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Happy Wife, Happy Life,” but my guest today, Glenn Lovelace, says that’s a lie. Listen to this episode to find out why he thinks it’s a lie and what we need to do in our marriages instead so that we can both be happy and fulfilled.

It’s great to have Glenn on to give us the men’s perspective on marriage. Both you and your husband will enjoy this one!

You can find Glenn Lovelace at:

Website: www.glennlovelace.com

Instagram: @itsyourwingman

Episode 207 - Creating Safety In Sex Apr 08, 2022

I recently watched a ‘horse whisper’ do a lay down with a horse. If you’ve never seen this process, it is amazing! But unlike horses, who constantly think, “Am I safe?” and look for things outside themselves to make them safe, we humans can find safety within. And when we feel that inner safety, then we can really open up to our partner and enjoy sex and our sexuality in a way that we haven’t before. Listen to this episode to see what it looks like when we don’t feel safe, what it looks like when we do, and what we can do to change it.

Episode 206 - Sex Before Marriage: Single Adults Apr 01, 2022

I get asked a lot about the rules of sex before marriage when you’re adult. Are they the same as when you’re a teenager? The answer is harder than a simple yes or no. As adults, it is more nuanced than that. Listen to this episode to find out how integrity should drive your decisions whether you are 16 or 46 and how that can make you more happy than if you just do what you “should.”

Episode 205 - Sex Before Marriage: Talking to Your Teens Mar 25, 2022

I get asked a lot about how to talk to kids and teens about sex. Unfortunately, I can’t make it less awkward for you, though if you’re comfortable with your own sexuality first, that can help, but I can give you some points to make so that you and your child know exactly what sex is and what to think about when they want to have it. My hope for you is that this discussion can bring you and your child closer together rather than farther apart when it comes to sex, even if they choose to follow a different value system than your own.

The Harvey Institute

Episode 204 - Kink And BDSM - An Interview with Allen Turner Mar 18, 2022

In part 2 of my interview with Allen Turner, let’s talk about kink and BDSM. I know those can be scary words, even Allen admits to being put off by the terms at first, but when you get down to it, they really are quite freeing. If you’re ready to embrace something different in the bedroom, and find out why it’s ok, this is the episode for you. I know this one will spark a great discussion between you and your spouse!

Latter Day Kink Facebook Group

Episode 203 - What Women Really Want In Bed - An Interview with Allen Turner Mar 11, 2022

In this episode, I’m interviewing Allen Turner about what women really want in bed. Allen shares his perspective as a man, a life-long member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and as someone who has done a lot of research into kink and BDSM. Whether you’re a man or a woman, this is a great episode to listen to in order to improve your sexual encounters.

And this is just the first part of a 2 part series so don’t miss the next episode.

Episode 202 - How Hormones Affect Your Libido: An Interview with Ashlee Sorensen Mar 04, 2022

Let’s talk hormones and what your hormones are doing to you sex drive! With my special guest, Ashlee Sorensen, we talk everything hormones and what we can expect as we age and what we can do about it. Did you know that unlike men, women never age out of sex? Pretty good news, right? Listen for more great information about hormones and sex.

Ashlee is a Menstrual and Hormone Coach and loves teaching women how to have optimal hormone health including painless periods, no PMS, and a seamless transition into menopause. Her passion is educating women on how to use their hormones to maximize everything from nutrition to sexual health. Ashlee believes that for far too long women have been taught that their hormones are a problem or a weakness. Her message to women is that your hormones are not a problem, they are the solution to everything you want. Your hormones are what make you so amazing!

Julva Cream

Ashlee Sorensen’s Instagram

Exercise and Hormones Masterclass

Cycle Strategy 101

A Bit Better Everyday Podcast

Click this link to find a Functional Practitioner in your area

Episode 201 - Healing from Purity Culture Feb 25, 2022

What comes to mind when you think about the word purity? I am a big believer that words matter so in this episode, let’s talk about what purity actually means and what that definition, which is different than what you think it is, is doing to your relationship with yourself and your sex life. It’s time to break free of the purity culture that many of us were raised in and see ourselves and our sexuality as it really is!

Episode 200 - Lessons from Eve Feb 18, 2022

In this episode, I’m talking with my friend and fellow coach Jill Freestone about Eve. Throughout time, Eve has been almost vilified for her choice to eat the fruit. Let’s change those thoughts today and really look at who Eve was and what we can learn from her. Jill’s perspective is so thought provoking and just feels right. You will love this one!

Episode 199 - One Heart, One Mind Feb 11, 2022

We’ve often heard the scripture from Moses 7:18 that talks about how the Lord called his people Zion because they were of one heart and one mind. We think of Zion as a people, but as I often do when I’m studying my scriptures, I thought of my podcast listeners and clients as I read these words. What if we look at wanting Zion in our marriages? How do we do that? Listen to this episode and be more intentional about being of one heart and one mind. But I will tell you, it does take work.

Episode 198 - Sex and Sleep Feb 04, 2022

You may be wondering what sex has to do with sleep. A lot. Quality sleep can promote a better sex life, and a healthy sex life can facilitate improved sleep. So why are we still so tired and sex deprived? In this episode, I talk about why we are sleep deprived and what we can do to improve our sleep AND our sex life at the same time. I don’t know who decided that the only time we can have sex is at night when we’re exhausted but they were wrong. Listen to find out what else we may be wrong about when it comes to sex and sleep.

Episode 197 - It Was Good Jan 28, 2022

I’ve recently been studying Genesis in the Bible. I feel like I’ve gotten a whole new perspective on the Creation story and Adam and Eve. As I read these scriptures, I kept thinking about my clients, my coaching, and my listeners. Though this episode may be formatted a little bit differently than you’re used to, I want to share with you what I’ve learned about how Adam and Eve and the Creation can help you in your marriage. You may look at it a little differently when you’re done.

Episode 196 - Sexual & Spiritual Wholeness Jan 21, 2022

Is it possible to be sexual and spiritual? Of course it is! Sexuality is a God-given part of us and if we deny that part, we will never be truly whole. Becoming whole means accepting and developing your sexuality and eroticism as a vital part of your mortal existence. This means instead of shutting down your sexuality constantly you need to work on developing it in a way that blesses your life as an individual and blesses your marriage. Listen to this episode to find out how.

Episode 195 - Need-Based Sex Jan 14, 2022

We have all been told the lie that men need sex and in our Conservative Christian value system and monogamy, it is the wife’s responsibility to fulfill that need because he can’t go outside the marriage to fulfill it. Thinking of sex as a need is problematic in marriages. In this episode, we discuss all of the many facets that affect your marriage when you look at sex as a need. I want to talk to you men and you women out there. This is something we can change!

Episode 194 - Sexual Role-Play Jan 07, 2022

Let's talk about role playing! It can bring a lot of excitement, fun, fantasy, and of course some intimidation and awkwardness, especially in the beginning. We'll talk about why you want to role play in the bedroom and how to start in this episode. It may be awkward at first, but if you give it a little time it could be really great!

If you want some ideas or even some scripts, you can find them online or in books.

Sexy Roleplaying Scripts: Straight Couples Edition

101 Nights of Great Sex

There are also websites where you can purchase scripts.

Make Sex More Fun

Subscription Box

TheFantasyBox.com

Episode 193 - The Forbidden Fruit Effect Dec 31, 2021

Have you ever noticed that when you’re told not to do something, that’s all you want to do? This is called the Forbidden Fruit Effect. We are all born with a natural curiosity that turns into boundary pushing as adolescents. But if we never pushed the boundaries, we would never grow. What does this have to do with sex? A lot! Listen to this episode to see how this Forbidden Fruit Effect can help your sex life in your marriage, not hurt it.

Episode 192 - All About Waxing - An Interview with Zoey Jolley Dec 24, 2021

I get so many questions from my clients about waxing. So, this week, we’re speaking with Zoey Jolley all about it. Zoey is a licensed esthetician and she is going to answer all of your questions. Have you ever wondered why you should wax instead of shave? What a bikini wax is versus a Brazilian? What should you not do before and after waxing? We have the answers for you in this episode!

You can find Zoey at:

FaceBook - Essential Esthetics by Zoey - https://www.facebook.com/eebyzoey

Instagram - https://instagram.com/zoeyjolley

Website - www.eebyzoey.com

Episode 191 - Learning To Trust Dec 17, 2021

Do you trust others? Your spouse? Your friends? Your co-workers? Your children? If trusting others is hard for you, maybe you don't trust yourself. Trusting yourself is the first step to trusting those around you. Why don't you trust yourself? Listen to this episode to find out why and what you can do about it.

Episode 190 - Creating the Space for Desire Dec 10, 2021

Do you desire sex? If you said no, why is that? Is it because you have lost your desire completely or is it because you aren’t giving yourself enough space to have that desire? In this episode, I look at the reasons why you no longer feel the desire for sex that you did when you were first married. And the answer to how to get that back may be a bit surprising because it really all comes down to one thing.

Episode 189 - Faking Orgasms Dec 03, 2021

We all fake orgasms every once in a while, right? Studies show that 80% of women have faked an orgasm one time in their relationship. Why? In this episode, I talk about why we as women feel like we need to fake orgasms and why we might want to rethink that. Is it time for a tough discussion with your husband? Listen to find out!

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

Episode 188 - Emotional Connection vs Physical Connection Nov 26, 2021

I often hear the same things from my clients. The women say, “I have to feel an emotional connection in order to want the physical connection.” And the men say, “I need that physical connection in order to feel emotionally connected.” And that’s where the difficulty lies. But what if I were to tell you that you don’t actually NEED that for the connection? Listen to find out what you truly do need to connect with your spouse.

Episode 187 - Sexual Energy Nov 19, 2021

We have all seen the Yin and Yang symbol and we may think we know what it means. But in this episode, let’s talk about what the different energies mean when it comes to sex. In our male driven society, sex is often looked at as Yang. But men and women have both Yin and Yang energies. The trick is to use both your Yin and Yang side to improve your sex life! Listen to find out how.

Episode 186 - The Hard Part of Building True Intimacy Nov 12, 2021

I have a lot of men come to me wanting to be coached. And while I feel for them, I have dedicated my life to helping women with their sexuality. But in this episode, I want to talk to you men out there. I know that you want to change things in your marriage, and not just because you want more sex, but because you want a truly intimate marriage. Let’s look at what you can do to help and what you shouldn’t do.

Episode 185 - What Turns Women Off Nov 05, 2021

So often the men in our lives focus on what turns us women on. (Maybe we women do that a bit too!) But maybe they are consciously, or unconsciously, doing something that absolutely turns us off. In the past weeks, we’ve talked about sexual context and what turns women on. Now let’s take a look at what turns us off and how that knowledge can end up helping our sex lives.

Episode 184 - What Turns Women On Oct 29, 2021

In doing research for this episode, I found a lot of information that is just plain wrong! No wonder men are confused about what women want! So let’s talk about what actually turns women on. What takes off your sexual brakes. And I’ll tell you, it’s not all about candlelight and sweet nothings. You may see things in a different light after you listen.

Episode 183 - Creating Sexual Context Oct 22, 2021

It’s all about context. We all want to feel emotionally connected to our spouse but are we sabotaging that with what we’re thinking about and focusing on? When you’re working on the mountain of laundry and your husband starts to help you, do you think, “He’s so supportive!” Or do you think, “It’s about time!” Context! And sex is all about context. Listen to this episode to find out why and what you need in order to have an amazing sex life!

Episode 182 - Sexual Brakes & Accelerators Oct 15, 2021

Have you ever heard the phrase that a woman is like a race car? It isn’t that far from the truth. Our bodies were created with systems. And those systems are constantly scanning the environment for things that will press on our sexual accelerators or stomp on the brakes. The key is to figure out how to use that system to increase your sexual desire and have a little fun in the process. Let’s work on releasing those brakes, pushing on those accelerators and seeing what happens!

Episode 181 - Garments Aren’t Sexy Oct 08, 2021

Garments aren’t sexy. It’s just the truth of the matter! But we are taught that they are an outward symbol of an inward commitment so maybe it’s time that we look at them differently. Symbols are arbitrary - they only hold the meaning that we assign them. So in this episode, we talk about some ways that we can change how we look at our garments, what we can do to change the way we think of them, and how we can increase our intimacy with our spouse.

Episode 180 - The Good And Bad of Love Languages Oct 01, 2021

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard about the 5 Love Languages and how you need to figure out what your spouse’s love language is and give them love in that way. Now, there is some truth to this, but I also think that it often becomes a way to keep score to see who is the better partner. That’s not good for you or your marriage. In this episode, we talk about what is good for you and your marriage! You may be surprised by the answer.

Episode 179 - It Takes Too Long To Orgasm! Sep 24, 2021

Does your orgasm take too long? This is a complaint I hear all of the time from my clients. We as women are culturally trained that our needs are secondary to our husband’s and children’s needs. This is what makes us good wives and mothers, or so we’re taught. So, we often worry about how much time it takes us to orgasm. About whether our husband is bored. About whether we’re being selfish to even want to orgasm. Let’s talk about orgasms in this episode. You are well worth the time!

Episode 178 - It’s Okay That You Don’t Like Sex Sep 17, 2021

Did the title of this podcast surprise you? It surprises a lot of my clients too. But it actually makes a lot of sense that you don’t like sex. In this episode, we talk about the top reasons why you don’t like sex. Which one will resonate with you? Then we talk about why those reasons make it so you don’t like sex. Maybe in the end, you’ll find that what you’ve been thinking all along may not be the actual problem.

Episode 177 - Why Pleasure Matters Sep 10, 2021

I want to ask you a question. Are you afraid of pleasure? Maybe you're thinking, “Of course not! I find pleasure in my family or my job.” But the pleasure I'm talking about is intimate pleasure. Are you afraid to let go and be vulnerable in order to feel pleasure? Is it easier to focus on your spouse's pleasure rather than yours? In this episode, I share with you why pleasure is important! Why, in fact, it's part of who we are made to be!

Episode 176 - Pressure to Perform Sep 03, 2021

In this episode, we’re talking about pressure. Both the pressure we put on ourselves and the pressure we feel from our spouses. And in reality, how the internal and external pressure isn’t good for our marriages. Let’s talk about why we put that pressure on and what we can do to let it go and have the relationship we want! Let’s get rid of some of that pressure!

Episode 175 - The Language of Love and Sex Aug 27, 2021

In this episode, let’s talk about words. What are words? They are just letters and syllables that we have been taught are good or bad. But why are they good or bad? It all comes down to our culture. The English language lacks the subtlety that other languages have when it comes to love and our bodies. Maybe we need to take a look at that and change what we see as “dirty words.” Maybe it’s time to change some of those dirty words into sex positive works for us and our spouses.

Episode 174 - How I Fixed My Sexual Relationship: An Interview with Mike Peterson Aug 20, 2021

In this episode, I speak with Mike Peterson about his experiences with fixing his sexual relationship in his marriage. I am so excited to share with you the male perspective of what happens in a marriage when you become more like roommates than intimate partners. Mike lives in Sandy, Utah with his wife Tami and their 5 kids. His passion is talking with other men who are struggling in their relationships to help them avoid some of the mistakes he made while trying to improve his own marriage.

Episode 173 - My Experience with Boudoir Photography Aug 13, 2021

In this episode, I am going to get a little vulnerable with you and talk about my experience with boudoir photography. I, like you, had the wrong idea about what it was and who it was actually for. Through my experience, and the experience of some of my clients, I have found that boudoir photography is less about your husband, and more about you! Once you listen to this episode, maybe your perceptions will change as well.

Episode 172 - Myths and Truths of Men’s Sexuality Aug 06, 2021

In American and Conservative Christian culture, we are often taught things about men’s sexuality that are myths. Actually, they are really outright lies. In this episode, we go through 3 myths about a man’s sexuality in the hopes that as we learn what is really true about men and their sexuality that we can have a more intimate relationship with our partners.

Episode 171 - Equality in Marriage: An Interview with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife Jul 30, 2021

In this episode, I’m speaking with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife about equality in marriage. This is something that is ingrained in our culture but can be really detrimental to our marriages. We want partnership marriages but to have a partnership marriage, we need to be partners in all aspects of our lives. We discuss how to reframe those ideals we were raised with in order to have the best marriage possible.

Episode 170 - Sexual Repression and the Parable of The Talents Jul 23, 2021

Have you buried your sexual desire? How do you know if you have? In our conservative Christian culture, we are often taught that sex is bad or unpleasant, that thinking about it is sinful, or that we should feel ashamed for having sexual desires. But this isn’t how it should be or even has to be! By developing your sexuality, you are going to receive a richness in your life that you have never experienced before. It’s like I always say, when the sex gets better, everything gets better.

Episode 169 - Initiating Ideas and Styles Jul 16, 2021

Is your husband always initiating sex? In a recent study, that’s what they found, that often men are the ones initiating. But why aren’t you initiating sex? Today we are looking at the reasons why we as women don’t initiate sex, why we should, and how to do it.

Episode 168 - Consent within Marriage Jul 09, 2021

Consent is truly a buzzword right now. In this episode, we take a look at what consent truly means, in your sex life and beyond, and how we can be true to who we really are and say what we really want and need. As women, we are taught to put our desires aside for our husbands and children. Let’s really look at that and see if you can find your true desires that you’ve buried deep down.

Episode 167 - Is Sex A Need? Jul 02, 2021

Is sex a need? The answer is no...kind of. There are differing viewpoints on how important sex is to each of us, but what we really need to look at is how important it is to us and how we can share that with our partners. Men and women, higher and lower desire partners need to meet their own needs as much as possible. Then your partner is just there for you to love. It makes for a great marriage and a great relationship.

Episode 166 - Safety, Trust, and Vulnerability Jun 25, 2021

The 3 keys to any healthy sexual relationship are safety, trust, and vulnerability. And they all build on each other. If we don’t feel safe, we can’t trust our partner, and in turn, we can’t be completely vulnerable with them if we can’t trust them. That’s why we’re talking about safety, trust, and vulnerability in this episode. Let’s find ways to help you be courageous and choose to trust, feel safe, and be completely vulnerable with your partner.

Episode 165 - Sex and the Menstrual Cycle Jun 18, 2021

I get asked a lot about desire. My clients notice that throughout the month they are either really ready for sex or they don’t want it at all. And then I ask them if they’ve ever tracked their cycle to see if these days coincide with what’s going on in their bodies. Most haven’t. So today we’re going to talk about what is happening in your body during your menstrual cycle and what that means for your sex life!

Episode 164 - Oral Sex Hangups Jun 11, 2021

In our conservative Christian culture, oral sex comes with a lot of hang ups. But it doesn’t need to. In this episode, let’s talk about how amazing oral sex can be between you and your spouse. Let’s look at the hang ups that either spouse might have and see what we can do to help them. After all, a high percentage of women say that oral sex is the most reliable way for them to orgasm. There is a lot of pleasure to be had there. Maybe it’s time to give it a try?

Bonus Episode - CFM June 13 2021 Jun 07, 2021

I have some serious concerns about an upcoming Come, Follow Me lesson on pornography. Hear my concerns and what you can do about it.

https://amandalouder.com/cfm-june-13-pornography/

Episode 163 - Sexual Fantasies & Intentions Jun 04, 2021

We have all read those scriptures that tell us that thinking about sex is bad. But, what if we’re interpreting those scriptures wrong? In this episode, we explore what those scriptures actually mean and what that means for us and our fantasies. We all have them and that’s ok. Don’t fight against your fantasies! It’s the intention that matters!

Episode 162 - Attraction & Self-Objectification May 28, 2021

Someone shared with me recently that their friend says she has a great sex life, but she won’t let her husband watch her undress because she doesn’t like her body after having a baby. I want to talk more about that in this episode. Can you really have a great sex life while hating your body? No. As much as you can’t hate yourself thin, you can’t be fully present in your sex life while hating how you look. It’s time to be your own best friend. Are you ready? Let’s go!

Episode 161 - Taking Sex from Good to Great May 21, 2021

How can you go from good sex to great sex? I get so many messages from all of you who have listened to the podcast saying how much it has helped you. This is definitely my calling in life so I love hearing that! But as I work with more and more clients in a group coaching setting, I am realizing that the personalized help you get through group coaching can help your sex life even more! In this episode, I want to share with you an experience one of my clients had in a coaching setting. Can you go from good sex to great sex? Yes! If the podcast has made things good, imagine how much better group coaching would make it!

Episode 160 - Sex And Menopause: An Interview with Cami Hurst May 14, 2021

I got asked a question that I didn’t know the answer to so I brought in an expert! The question was about sex and menopause. Is it all over once you hit 50? It doesn’t have to be! Cami Hurst, a counselor and sex therapist from Meridian, Idaho joins me to in this episode to share her expertise on what to expect with your sex life and menopause. I learned so much from her about what’s happening in women’s bodies and most importantly what we can do about it!

Episode 159 - 4 Keys to a Healthy, Passionate Marriage May 07, 2021

What do you want out of your marriage? I think we all want our marriages to be healthy and full of passion, right? But, how do you do that? Today I’m talking about the 4 keys to a healthy and passionate marriage. Can you disagree and still be close? Yes! Can you love your spouse for who they are, not who you wish they would be? Absolutely!

Episode 158 - Sexual Scarcity Apr 30, 2021

When something is scarce, you want it more! (Remember the toilet paper shortage of 2020?) So what does this have to do with sex and marriage? When you’re not having sex, you begin to be preoccupied with sex. I see this scarcity mindset show up in my coaching practice in two ways. Either you don’t have enough to give or you feel like you need to do more to be fulfilled. In today’s episode, we talk more about this scarcity mindset and how to change your mindset to make sex something for you not something you have to do.

Episode 157 - Transactional Sex Apr 23, 2021

What exactly is transactional sex? The idea that your relationship could include this type of sex is probably something you may not even be aware of - but there’s definitely a subconscious tracking of who is doing what for who, and when. Today I am going to give you 7 key warning signs that your sexual relationship is transactional and then what you can do about it.

Episode 156 - The Disappearing Orgasm Apr 16, 2021

Have you ever felt a sneeze coming on . . and then it’s gone? That is how some of my clients have described their disappearing orgasm. So today, I have some information on why this happens and 8 steps to help you avoid the disappearing orgasm. So let's go!

Episode 155 - Vacation Sex Apr 09, 2021

Whether you are in a tropical location, exploring a new city, or tucked away somewhere remote, time out of your usual routine is so good for the mind, body, and for your relationship. Today I will share six main reasons I believe a vacation for you and your partner is an important part of your marriage. I will let you in on a few secrets and tell you all about my 2-2-2 rule. Want to know more? Tune in!

Episode 154 - Adding Fun and Variety To Your Sex Life Apr 02, 2021

I am so excited for the podcast today. I will be joined by Dan Purcell. He and his wife Emily are the founders of “Get Your Marriage On.” Dan is going to share some of his favorite ways to add some creativity into your sex life in a positive, uplifting and Christian based way. If you thought game night always included the kids and monopoly, then listen up. This podcast is a game changer. . .literally.

Episode 153 - Sexual Feasts, Famines, and Snacks Mar 26, 2021

When it comes to sex, sometimes you want a feast, sometimes you want a snack, and sometimes you go through periods of famine. And today I am going to jump into what each of these might look like. I will teach you how to work through these different phases and build better communication and a strong foundation to help you understand why and how it happens.

Episode 152 - How The Vagina and the Voice Are Connected Mar 19, 2021

Last year I had the opportunity to hear Stephanie Sorensen speak at a sexual education event. I found myself completely fascinated and furiously taking notes. Today she will share many physiological and metaphorical connections between the pelvic floor and your voice. Stephanie will teach you how anything from your stress level to being silenced will spill over into every aspect in your life - especially your sexuality. Join me for a power packed podcast this week.

Episode 151 - Speaking Your Truth Mar 12, 2021

Did you know that we all tell ourselves lies as a way to protect ourselves? On the podcast I am talking about what those lies look like in different aspects of your life and how we can change that. I am going to teach you how to speak your truth, how to be true to yourself and others in a very kind and loving way. It can feel scary, but I promise you the outcome is worth the risk.

Episode 150 - The Maltz Hierarchy of Sexual Interaction Mar 05, 2021

According to the Maltz Hierarchy of Sexual Interaction there are 3 positive. . .and 3 negative levels of sex in a partnership. Today I will go into each level with some detail. These levels are just to help you get an idea of where you are now and where you might want to go as your relationship evolves. You can enhance your relationship as you move up the hierarchy. I hope to help those who are in the negative range do what they need to do to move out of the degrading, shaming or even abusive levels and climb up to a safe and healthy place.

Episode 149 - The Hard Work of Marriage Feb 26, 2021

We have all heard the phrase or experienced in real life that marriage requires hard work. But do you understand the why? Today I will let you in on the secret. I am also discussing how to be more at peace with yourself and others. I will talk about how to truly love yourself more. Loving and accepting yourself will help you love others more and help you achieve your “happily ever after.”

Episode 148 - Sex and Chronic Pain or Illness Feb 19, 2021

Do you or your spouse struggle with chronic pain and/or illness? This is a struggle for many individuals and it is affecting every aspect of the relationship. It isn’t what you had planned for your life and that can create resentment if not kept in check. It can be physical or emotional- or both. Whatever the cause, I will talk about some ways to work through it. Some options. Some ideas.

Episode 147 - 10 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship Feb 12, 2021

What does a healthy relationship look like? Today I will give you ten warning signs that you may need to examine. You may need to get some help or even get away from the relationship. I will also share ten areas where you can work together to make your relationship stronger. Join me today as we discuss ways you can become the person you want in your marriage and tips for building the long lasting and healthy relationship you are seeking.

Episode 146 - When Sex is Boring Feb 05, 2021

Sex should be anything but boring, but what I am hearing from many of you . . . is that it is exactly that. The good news is that It doesn’t have to be. It can and should be fun. It is totally an option to be playful, imaginative and creative. So if you are bored in the bedroom, jump on the podcast now and learn some possible reasons why this is going on and ways we can change that up for you.

Episode 145 - Codependency Jan 29, 2021

Many of our marriage stories start out the same- but what happens after we say “I do?” That is where things can start to change. You may have started to see your partner for who they truly were - and the more you saw - the more concerned you became. Today on the podcast, I am going to talk about codependent relationships and ways to recognize if you are in one, why it is important to free yourself and how I can help.

Episode 144 - Five Mistakes Men Make In Bed Jan 22, 2021

Last week in the podcast, we discussed 5 mistakes women make in bed. So today let’s chat about five mistakes for men. Neither of you want to think about or admit you haven’t perfected your sex life. It can be a vulnerable place. But it is a fact that men and women just think and feel differently - especially when it comes to the bedroom. Understanding this and recognizing some areas that could use some tweaking will be worth discussing. So grab your spouse and listen as we chat about how these little problem areas can be turned around easily and make all the difference.

Episode 143 - Five Mistakes Women Make In Bed Jan 15, 2021

Today I want to talk about the top 5 mistakes women make in bed, the reasons that keep them from getting aroused and enjoying sex to the fullest. Join me in my podcast for more information on the ways I can help you work through these roadblocks and get you on the path to enjoying your sex life even more.

Episode 142 - The Madonna/Whore Complex Jan 08, 2021

Why have many in the past believed and taught that it is impossible to be a sexual being and a loving and gentle wife and mother? Freud believed you needed to pick sides. . .Madonna or whore. Today I will talk about how you can allow both to be part of you. That is a lot of what I do in coaching, I help create a secure attachment in our sexual and non-sexual relationship and let the two co-exist together. Listen to how this is possible and why it is critical.

Episode 141 - Sexual Maturity Jan 01, 2021

Welcome to Live From Love and to 2021! The podcast today is a great way to begin your year. New thoughts, new ideas and new adventures in your marriage. You were possibly raised with fairly narrow views of your sexuality. . .along with some pretty strict guidelines . . .most of us were. But things should have changed for you by now. With some wisdom and sexual maturity on your side, you get to choose what you want to believe, think and do regarding your sex life. You get to set your own boundaries. . .just you and your spouse together. No one else.

Episode 140 - Sexy New Year Replay Dec 25, 2020

Welcome 2021! This week for the podcast I am going back to the vault and bringing out one of my favorite podcasts - wrapped around goals and resolutions in your intimate relationship. I will talk about how to come up with SMART goals and what those are exactly. We will talk about the importance of coming up with the purpose of sex in your marriage and what it looks like for you and your spouse. Are you ready to create change? 2021 is your year!

Episode 139 - Why You Need a Vibrator Dec 18, 2020

Last week I discussed sex toys, but this week I am taking a deep dive into vibrators. Did you know that most women need 45-60 minutes to move from 0 to climax? And many need more than is humanly possible. Viagra has helped so many men - and thank heavens for vibrators to help women. So today we will discuss what to look for and all the reasons this can benefit every marital relationship.

Episode 138 - Sex Toys 101 Dec 11, 2020

I get a lot of questions concerning sex toys. What ones are best, are they appropriate, what materials should I be looking for. . and much more. Tune in and I will give you a basic beginning course on all of this- as well as how using them in your marriage can add an element of novelty, playfulness, and eroticism to your sexual experience.

Episode 137 - The Five Gears of Touch Dec 04, 2020

Today, I’m going to discuss the five gears of touch by Barry W. McCarthy - a certified sex and couples therapist. Gear 1 begins with affectionate touch and gear 5 is intercourse. I will teach you the value of each level of touch - and how slowing down and moving forward together through these gears will propel your sexual relationship to a whole new level. Learn more and get show notes here: https://amandalouder.com/podcast/137/

Episode 136 - Willingness Is The Entry Point Nov 27, 2020

When your head hits the pillow exhausted - the last thing you might want is sex. But your partner may have other ideas. Now what? Give in with resentment and exhaustion? Reject your spouse. . .again? Today I am going to offer you a third option. I will share some ways to better communicate and I will walk you through how your body can actively respond to willingness. This episode will be a game-changer in the bedroom.

Episode 135 - Creating Intimacy After Betrayal Nov 20, 2020

Join us on the podcast today to hear about Zach and Darcy Spafford’s journey to regain intimacy after Zach’s 25 year battle with pornography. They will take you on a beautiful journey of forgiveness, change, each owning their own sexuality, loving themselves and one another. They are fun, energetic and real. It is a podcast you will want to share with others. Get full show notes and more information here: https://amandalouder.com/135

Episode 134 - Masturbation and The Church Nov 13, 2020

I know that this topic may be a controversial one. Let me start by saying, I am not the expert for your life. I am here to offer you new and different ideas or options, greater understanding. It is up to you to contemplate these things for yourself and for your family and what works for you. In podcast 134, I will go through the course of changes that have taken historically within the church on this topic. It might surprise you. I highly encourage you to think about it and take your thoughts and questions to the Lord. For a greater understanding. . .stay tuned.

Episode 133 - Competing Desires Nov 06, 2020

Does your spouse think he is not a priority in your life? Could he be right? Today I will dive into true desire and false desire and how to manage your brain around them. The answer lies within the ability to use your higher brain above your lower brain and how the work you do can actually retrain your brain. You can actually learn how to stay on your plan - and not eat the ice cream. You can give up a few minutes of sleep to build a better relationship with your spouse and so much more this week!

Episode 132 - Sex After Infant Loss Oct 30, 2020

Today’s podcast looks at how to deal with grief, intimacy and fear after losing a baby. My guest, Amy Watson, is a life coach who helps mom’s who have had pregnancy or baby loss at any point. Amy shares how she and her husband grieved differently and how they worked together to be intimate even when it felt terrifying. Join me in this heartfelt story of carrying on through the challenge of loss.

Episode 131 - Sex and Infertility Oct 23, 2020

I am excited to spend some time today with Sadie Banks. Sadie is a photographer and owner of “Good Grief” journals. Her company was born in the midst of - and due to the grief she was dealing with during her own infertility journey. She shares how she came to understand the real meaning of intimacy and how to separate pleasure sex from clinical sex. She shares insight into how to keep your marriage a priority - even during the most difficult times.

Episode 130 - Sex & Pregnancy Oct 16, 2020

Pregnancy can be a magical time- but it can also be a scary time. There are so many unexpected changes, added hormones and a changing body. This can have an impact on not only the woman, but to her spouse and their relationship.This podcast is packed full of information. I will go through what you might expect concerning sex surrounding each trimester, myths and warning signs of when intercourse needs to be cleared with your doctor. Even if pregnancy isn’t in your future or it’s come and gone, this might be helpful to someone you know. It’s a good one to share.

Episode 129 - The Truth About Control Oct 09, 2020

Do you find yourself trying to be in control of situations or others? If you stop and question the emotion that is riding along with you. . .it is fear? For some, having control makes them feel powerful. This week I hope to teach you different ways you might be exerting control and what emotion it is stemming from. I will also teach steps to work on overcoming this tendency. If you are new to the podcast or if you have been here before - welcome!

Episode 128 - The Four Reasons Why We Have Sex Oct 02, 2020

I think we have covered all the reasons we don’t want sex. But have you ever wondered why people do have the desire for sex? It is more than for physical release, relief of stress or because we love someone. According to one group of young adults, they noted up to 237 reasons for sex.. . .but there is actually just one main reason. I will share that secret along with a few more that follow. I will also share some valuable information on the not-so-obvious differences between men and women when it comes to your sex life. If this is your first time here- welcome. Get ready to learn and grow in your relationship like never before.

Episode 127 - The Power of Connection Sep 25, 2020

I am so excited to welcome Anjanette Ludwig to my podcast. Anjanette is an amazing life coach helping moms and teens connect. She is the life coach I hired to coach my own kids. . .and she is also my client. I believe she has the secret many of us are missing in our relationships. And if you are considering me as your coach, she will tell you more about how that has worked for her. This podcast will hit home to everyone, because it will benefit all relationships and connections.

Episode 126 - Sexual Communication - Part 2 Sep 18, 2020

Welcome to Sexual Communication Part 2. Let's get back to where we left off last week. Today I will share the very first communication skill you need in your marriage. It is a pre-requisite to the other 7 skills I am going to share with you. It begins with figuring out what you need from your relationship and ends with having gratitude for what you already have. Join me as we walk through each skill and how to obtain it.

Episode 125 - Sexual Communication - Part 1 Sep 11, 2020

Good sexual communication is an extension of good general communication, so let’s start there. Often times the troubles we experience with our partners when it comes to sex, and just in general, stem from different communication styles. The ability to communicate clearly is an uncommon skill, and yet it’s the key to good relationships, including sexual ones. In this episode, find out the 4 most common faulty beliefs that keep us from having good sexual communication.

Episode 124 - The Higher Desire Wife Sep 04, 2020

You asked for it - you got it. To all of you women who are the higher desire partner - here you go. This podcast will go over emotional, physical and psychological reasons why your spouse may not have the same level of desire you do. We will discuss some underlying reasons that may be the culprit. Some conditions may need to be addressed or you may just need to fill the gap between you with some conversation and understanding. Whatever the reasons might be or whatever the distance of the gap between you, there are answers. There are solutions.

Episode 123 - Increasing Your Libido Aug 28, 2020

Are you convinced your libido is shot? Do you feel like you have nothing left to give at the end of the day? Stress, illness, medication, hormones or sheer exhaustion are all reasons you may feel like your sexual desire is not where you would like it. This week on the podcast let’s discuss where your libido went and how to get it back.

Episode 122 - Kids Don't Have To Ruin Your Sex Life Aug 21, 2020

One topic I hear often from my clients is that their kids are ruining their sex life. They are so exhuasted from being a mom, that sex is the last thing they want or have time for. Today I have good news - it doesn’t have to be this way. I am going to tell you why putting that relationship first is critical. I will teach you how to show your kids that you love them - but also show them that your spouse comes first. It is the best thing you can do for your kiddos. If you are married with children - this podcast is not to be missed.

Episode 121 - Why You’re Not Having Orgasms Aug 14, 2020

One of my favorite things I get to do is help women discover how they orgasm so they can experience greater pleasure in their sexual encounters and build a better sexual relationship with their spouse. I will share two main reasons women don’t have orgasms and a few suggestions of ways to fix it. This podcast is not only for those who can’t orgasm, but I also share ways to understand your body and some options to make a good sexual relationship even better.

Episode 120 - He Just Wants Sex Aug 07, 2020

Your brain probably tells you your husband just wants sex - and that it has very little to do with you. What if you were wrong? What if it actually does? Today in the podcast, I am going to explain the difference between men and women in the way they express love and closeness. Today is about cleaning up the thoughts around this. You might just feel a closer connection than ever before.

Episode 119 - How ‘Auditory Arousal’ Can Heat Up Your Lovemaking Jul 31, 2020

I am so excited to have Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Author, Laura Brotherson join me on the podcast this week. So much of what I have learned has been from Laura. We will be answering the question of what exactly auditory arousal is and ways to access it. Most importantly, we will discuss the benefits that take place with verbal communication during sex.

Simple words or phrases during lovemaking can bring in an entirely different dimension to your experience with your spouse. Learn how this can keep your busy and distracted brain engaged.

These small auditory sounds or words in the bedroom may take your sexual experience to a whole new level.

So let’s do this.

Laura M. Brotherson, LMFT, CST, CFLE

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and Certified Sex Therapist (CST), Laura M. Brotherson is the founder of The Marital Intimacy Institute with a mission to help couples create "sextraordinary" marriages. She counsels with individuals, couples and families in private practice (and online) and is passionate about helping couples navigate the intricacies of intimacy—specializing in healthy sexuality, sex therapy, and sex addiction.

Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as the author of the best-selling books, And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment, Knowing HER Intimately: 12 Keys for Creating a Sextraordinary Marriage, and her latest book From Honeymoon to Happily Ever After: 23 Keys to Prepare for a Sextraordinary Marriage.

As a Certified Family Life Educator (CFLE), Laura is also actively engaged in providing marriage education through Couples Cruises, articles, newsletters, radio and television broadcasts, “The Marital Intimacy Show” podcast, and presenting at conferences and workshops. Laura is a regular contributor to the KSL Television “Studio 5” morning show. She and her husband, Kevin, have been married 29 years, have three grown children and are the founders of StrengtheningMarriage.com — your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages… intimately!

Episode 118 - Honesty in Your Sexual Relationship Jul 24, 2020

Most of us consider ourselves to be honest people, to have integrity. It may surprise you that this isn’t always the case. Can you speak truthfully to your partner when it comes to your sexual relationship. . .or do you let some things slide to save hurting your partner? It’s also possible the person you are deceiving the most, is yourself. But why? Today I will answer this question as well as share the top 4 reasons honesty will benefit your relationship and how to better achieve this.

Episode 117 - Why We Don’t Talk About Sex Jul 17, 2020

We know we don’t. . . we aren’t sure why. . . but we just don’t. So many of us do not feel comfortable talking about sex - even to our spouse. Our parents didn’t talk to us much about intimacy and so we aren’t sure how to talk to our children. Today on the podcast I will bring a few ideas to the table. I will share some tips to help you open up and talk more openly with your spouse. I have some thoughts on what works and what doesn’t - so let me help you out. We’ve got this.

Episode 116 - Painful Sex; An Interview with Valerie Schwalbe Jul 10, 2020

This week I had the privilege of interviewing Valerie Schwalbe from Well Being Physical Therapy in Murray Utah, specializing in the pelvic floor. If you have pain during sex, pelvic pain, leaking of any type, pelvic floor strain, feeling the effects of childbirth (episiotomy, scar tissue, prolapse, discomfort) or help with athletic performance - this podcast is for you. I think this covers just about everyone. You will learn what your pelvic floor supports and why it is just as critical to have therapy for the pelvic muscles as much as you would need therapy for a knee after surgery, She and I also tap into some of the reasons for sexual pain - the physical as well as emotional. Her treatment aligns heart and mind with the body. What you are experiencing may be common - all your friends may have the same problem - but that doesn’t mean it is normal. If you are in the Utah area, Valerie is seeing patients at Well Being Physical Therapy. https://www.wellbeingphysicaltherapy.com Or you can go to www.pelvicrehab.com to find a pelvic floor specialist in your area.

Bonus Episode: Creating Desire Webinar Replay Jul 08, 2020

Bonus Episode!!!! I recently did a LIVE event on Creating Desire and decided that I wanted to share it with my entire audience because it was just too good not to share! For more information on what I share go to http://amandalouder.com/groups

Episode 115 - Fantasy Jul 03, 2020

Let’s talk about fantasy. When it comes to sex, what is an appropriate fantasy and what is not? What benefits the marriage and what destroys it? Today I will teach you the difference - as well as how to incorporate sexual fantasies into your relationship to benefit both parties.

Episode 114 - 3 Keys to Great Sex Jun 26, 2020

Every magazine seems to have different tips for a great sex life. But Hollywood doesn’t have the corner market on YOUR sex life. It’s time to look inside ourselves and our spouse to see what creates a beautiful intimate relationship for us. One that works for both of us. Today I will share the need for body, mind, and spirit connectivity in creating the pleasure you are seeking. I will teach you about the importance of understanding your body and your spouse's body and then opening yourself up to communication, acceptance, and vulnerability. When body, mind, and spirit align, that is when great sex takes place.

Episode 113 - Entitled to Pleasure Jun 19, 2020

Today’s podcast is packed with fun and valuable information. If you have children you already know there is a distinct difference in the way little boys and little girls perceive their bodies. Those differences tend to remain stuck in our brains into adulthood. I will share insight as to why that is and how you may be missing some of the greatest pleasures in your life - sexual arousal. You might be aroused and not even know it. Your brain just needs to catch up to what your body is already doing - because it knows how. Let’s work together to fix that!

Episode 112 - Emotional Manipulation for Anal Sex Jun 12, 2020

Get ready. . .because the title of today’s podcast may already have you squirming. But understanding and getting help with anal sex is only one topic I will be discussing. You will learn about emotional pressure - what it is - and when it’s not OK. I have some awesome tips for communicating openly and honestly with your spouse concerning your desires. . .and theirs. How can you come to a clear agreement on what you both want or need? Listen up and I will walk you through the needed steps to resolve these issues and more.

Episode 111 - Mindful Sex Jun 05, 2020

Today I am tackling the topic of mindfulness during sex. Mindfulness is all about being present and aware of what is going on around you. If you are able to create a grocery list while you are having sex, this episode is for you. I will share tips on how to curb your racing brain and focus on what emotions are happening inside of you. I will also address slowing down or calming your anxieties before you even get to the bedroom. This is one area we can stop multitasking, so let’s go!

Episode 110 - The Body: A Burden or a Blessing? May 29, 2020

Today I am going to take you on a journey from one end of the spectrum to the other when it comes to our bodies. On one end we find shaming, repressing and abusing the gift of our body and on the other end we find sexual indulgence. I will teach you where the middle ground for sexuality is and how it can be achieved.

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Episode 109 - Higher Desires and Lower Desires May 22, 2020

With a title like this, Higher Desires and Lower Desires, you’re probably thinking that I’m talking about your desire for sex and what category you fall into . . .right? That is not what this podcast is all about; but it will relate to sex, as well as other aspects of your life. What desires do you have and what is keeping you from achieving them? I will give you steps to help lean into those higher goals to actually create the life that you want for yourself.

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Episode 108 - Anxiety and Sex May 15, 2020

What is anxiety? What does it look like? How is it affecting your life - your partners life? In Podcast #108 I will take a look at anxiety and the possible side affects on your sex life. I share three main reasons anxiety may be interfering with your best life. Anxiety is an emotion that can take a physical as well as an emotional toll on you and your relationships. For some, there is a need for medication and a mental health advisor or doctor. But for many, it’s about managing our thoughts. I will discuss the importance of becoming friends with our emotions, rather than running from them to alleviate anxiety in your life. It’s possible - it really is.

Episode 107 - Uncertainty and Unmet Expectations May 08, 2020

I am stepping out of my sexuality niche for just a minute on today’s podcast. Episode #107 is all about your thoughts. I will discuss your higher and lower brain, and describe characteristics of each level and help determine where you are functioning. Are you suffering, surviving, or thriving during this unique time? Do you want to switch it up? I am also sharing tips on how to give positive thoughts an equal amount of brain space if you are consumed with the negative and what does that look like? My hope is that today’s episode will help you see a best-case scenario more often than not and clean up your thoughts to serve you a little better. Enjoy.

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Episode 106 - Expanding Your Sexual Palette May 01, 2020

How do you know what kinds of foods you like? You try them - right? The same goes for your sexual experiences. This week on the podcast I may challenge your thoughts surrounding what you view as right or wrong, good or bad. Podcast #106, Expanding You Sexual Palette is all about considering some new approaches to your bedroom play. What would you like to try? What about your spouse? Is the topic even open for discussion? I will talk about how to communicate with your spouse, how to decide what you each desire and where to start. I am also sharing a worksheet to help the communication process for both of you. Think outside the box and let’s go.

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Episode 105 - Sexual Anorexia Apr 24, 2020

Join me this week as I take you on a little journey of comparisons... with food. Each of us wants and needs a healthy relationship with food - and that goes for your sexual relationship as well. I want to share some analogies with you concerning repression or compulsion of your sexuality and how men and women typically respond differently to thoughts of intimacy. Your marriage will better thrive when you understand how your human brain, full of beautiful curiosity, will play a leading role in the sexual side of your relationship.

Episode 104 - Am I Desirable? Apr 17, 2020

Is the desire gone for your spouse - or maybe the other way around? Are there parts of your human self that you do not desire and would rather avoid looking at? How do you know the difference? Maybe it is easier to blame others - rather than facing the challenge of looking at yourself to see where the gap started. If you are having these same questions or concerns - Podcast #104 is jam packed with information for you. I will discuss righteous desires, mens and women’s perspective, fears, validation and how to approach the topic when sex has completely shut down. Join me for “Am I Desirable?” and see if it’s time for a little more help.

Episode 103 - A Marriage Made Whole Apr 10, 2020

No matter where life finds you, no matter the status of your relationships, podcast #103 , “A Marriage Made Whole” is not to be missed. My podcast is an interview with past clients that will inspire you. You may not have the same circumstances, but it is a sweet story of forgiveness, brain work and overcoming. You will see first hand what coaching can do and how it can help anyone, any situation. Thank you Jeff and Joy for being vulnerable and sharing your story.

Episode 102 - Building Intimacy During Isolation Apr 03, 2020

Podcast #102 is covering a few topics that will be beneficial to you right now.

I am talking about managing our brains around the stress and anxiety you might be feeling, I will be sharing more details about my “Class for Engaged Couples” and I am still offering FREE 20 minute coaching sessions.

The topic is “Intimacy During Isolation” and I will define exactly what intimacy is and I think it may surprise some of you.

What are you doing to keep your intimate relationships strong and thriving when we need to be distant?

Why is this important?

How can understanding different levels of intimacy help you overcome some struggles you may be experiencing?

And what are the most common struggles with intimacy?

Join me this week or sign up for a coaching session and let’s figure it out together.

Find out more and download your FREE worksheet for this week’s podcast #102.

FREE Coaching!

Engaged Couples Course

Episode 101 - Sex Under Stress Mar 27, 2020

This week, Podcast #101 is all about the effects of stress on your life. It can put a strain on your physical, emotional and mental health. It can affect your relationships and especially your sex life. And it has been a great month to practice managing your stress. I have the tools to help you out. I will explain how some stress can be beneficial. I will share tips on how to process- as well as how to avoid and eliminate stress. Sex can actually help. Listen as I explain more about your brain and why this is true.

Coach with me for FREE!

Episode 100 - How Numbing Out is Hurting Your Sex Life Mar 20, 2020

My 100th Episode! I can’t believe I have been doing this for 100 episodes and loving this work more and more every day. This week’s podcast is full of so much valuable information around buffering feelings, our new schedules (or lack of), and our thoughts around this new normal. I will give you ideas on how to fill the time with your kid's new life at home as well as tips on managing your brains during this unusual time. It’s a good time to discuss not numbing ourselves from our emotions and the effect that can have on our lives...especially our time in the bedroom. And if that wasn’t enough, I will be giving you a FREE worksheet to download for this week’s podcast, “How Numbing Out is Hurting Your Sex Life.”

Episode 99 - The Importance of Touch Mar 13, 2020

This week I researched the power of touch. There was plenty of information to back up my beliefs.

Being touched is the first communication a newborn babe has with those that love them. Skin to skin calms a crying baby, lowers adults’ heart rate and sends messages to the vagus nerve for relaxation. These are just a few of the numerous benefits.

I also talk about ideas and solutions for those times when you are simply “all touched out.” If you are a mother - especially to small children -you know exactly what I am talking about.

Sometimes learning to touch our spouse the way they want takes teaching and learning and communicating in love and compassion. Test it for yourself. You will be amazed at the difference it can make in your relationship.

Episode 98 - Embracing Your Sexuality Mar 06, 2020

In this week's podcast, I tackle the subject of your sexuality. What does it look like to you? What does it feel like? Our first impulse is to believe it is wrong or distasteful. I am going to explain why I believe it is a beautiful part of who we are as children of God. It is part of our identity given to us by a loving Heavenly Father- to use wisely. It can be pure and beautiful and full of goodness. It is a gift. I will discuss figuring out your desires in all aspects of your life and learning to speak your truth.

Episode 97 - My Spouse Looks at Pornography Feb 28, 2020

Does your spouse view pornography? Do you think he is addicted? In this week’s episode, I interview Dr. Cameron Staley, a clinical psychologist who has researched pornography addiction. Learn what he has to say about why your spouse looks at pornography and how you can best support them.

Episode 96 - Let’s Talk About Lube Feb 21, 2020

Do you use lube? Not only can it be fun to use but it’s also important for safer sex! Yep, using lube can not only help things go smoother but it can help prevent irritation, tearing, and infection. But, it’s important to find the right lube for you. Many lubes have toxic chemicals that aren’t meant for our delicate genital area. In this episode, we talk about the different types of lubes, what works well for different purposes, and how to avoid lubes that aren’t safe for your body.

Episode 95 - When You’re Too Exhausted For Sex Feb 14, 2020

Are you exhausted all the time and sex is the last thing on your mind? You are not alone. It is a complaint I hear often from clients. I was recently interviewed on The Doctor’s Wife Podcast with Sara Payne about this topic and the discussion was too good not to share with my listeners as well. So I am re-airing my interview with Sara. You can find more about her and her podcast on her website SaraPayne.com or on her Instagram @sarapaynecoaching.

Episode 94 - 6 Steps To a Healthy Sexual Relationship Feb 07, 2020

Do you have a healthy marriage and sexual relationship? How do you know if you do or not? In this week’s episode, I am sharing the 6 Principles of Healthy Sexuality and what a healthy relationship looks like. This is a great way to see what areas you and your spouse can improve upon and strengthen.

Episode 93 - Husbands, What Your Wives Wish You Knew Jan 31, 2020

I asked wives what they wish their husbands knew about them and sex. So this episode is for all the husbands. You'll learn what your wife has had a hard time telling you and what you need to do to get more sex and better sex in your relationship.

Episode 92 - Discovering What Turns You On Jan 24, 2020

Do you know what turns you on? Most of us learn to tolerate or suppress our sexuality as youth, so we never developed an erotic mind. A mind that knows where to go to get aroused. So how do we figure that out now? How do develop an erotic mind?

Episode 91 - Keeping Your Husband Happy Jan 17, 2020

Does sex feel like a chore? Something you have to do to keep your husband happy? It sounds noble, but you are probably building up a lot of resentment in the meantime. Sex isn't supposed to be just about him. It's about you too. When we learn to step into our sexuality, own it, work on it, it changes everything. Your husband is happy, and so are you.

Find out more and download your FREE worksheet for this week’s episode, podcast Episode 91 - Keeping Your Husband Happy

amandalouder.com/podcast/91

I’m looking for submissions for an upcoming podcast on what wives wish their husbands knew about them and sex. So, what do you wish your husband knew? What haven’t you told him? What are you afraid to tell him? All submissions will be kept anonymous. Please email submissions to podcast@amandaloudercoaching.com

Episode 90 - Desire Like Nephi Jan 10, 2020

As I was studying my scriptures this week, I found some interesting parallels in the way we approach sex and the way the sons of Lehi approached their father’s vision and beliefs. Are you more like Laman and Lemuel? Sam? or Nephi?

Episode 89 - 10 Mistakes We Make With Sex Jan 03, 2020

All of us make mistakes when it comes to sex. In this episode, we discuss 10 common mistakes almost every couple makes with sex and how to overcome them.

Episode 88 - Sexy New Year Dec 27, 2019

What kind of sex life do you want to create for you and your spouse in 2020? In this episode, I will offer some fun ideas and apps as well as a different perspective on how and why you want to create your sex life on purpose!

Episode 87 - Sexy Christmas Dec 20, 2019

So much of Christmas is focused around the kids, but don’t forget about creating memories and getting gifts for your spouse. In this week’s episode, I give you ideas of how to create a sexy Christmas with your spouse with gift ideas and ideas of what to do if you are out of town for the Holidays.

Episode 86 - Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire Dec 13, 2019

What turns you on? What turns you off? Many women think that there is something wrong with their accelerator. They wonder where their sex drive went. But they often don’t understand all of the things that hit their brakes. Knowing your accelerators and brakes are essential to understanding your desire and why you might not just want sex and the drop of a hat, but if you can get started then you’ll be good to go.

Episode 85 - Stages of Sex Dec 06, 2019

Sex follows a specific pattern each time from initiation to resolution. Each stage has different physical and emotional changes. Understanding the stages and knowing how your body responds helps you to see where you are and in what areas you might need a little help or to improve to create a fuller, richer experience and sex life.

Show Notes:

Follow Amanda on Facebook and Instagram.

Join Amanda's Private Facebook Group.

References for this episode:

Sexual response cycles: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-pleasure/201211/what-we-can-learn-sexual-response-cycles

Connection & Intimacy: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201701/the-radical-thrill-intimacy

Basson’s Model Drawing: https://sexologyinternational.com/taking-a-closer-look-at-bassons-model-of-the-sexual-response-cycle/

Foreplay Radio: https://www.foreplayrst.com/2017/01/14/episode-52-stages-of-sex/

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski Ph.D

Watchful Unto Prayer Continually by Elder David A Bednar: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/22bednar?lang=eng

Episode 84 - Why Coaching? Nov 29, 2019

Do you think you don’t need coaching because things aren’t that bad? We hire coaches for other areas of our lives, not when things are bad, but when we want to get better at anything. So why hire a life coach? To get better at life! Why hire a sex coach? To get better at sex! Even when things are good, they can always be better.

Episode 83 - Making Time For Sex Nov 22, 2019

Is sex the last thing on your to-do list? Or maybe it’s not even making the cut. With the busy lives we live today, unless we carve out time and make sex and connection a priority, it just doesn’t seem to happen. In this episode, I share with you ideas of why you want to carve out that time and how to do so.

Download your FREE worksheet for this week’s episode.

Episode 82 - Sex Rules Nov 15, 2019

We all have rules and expectations with sex. It just comes with the territory. But many times, we aren't even aware of the rules we have. They are unspoken. In this episode, we have a conversation about these rules, why we have them, what it can look like when we drop them or at least we are more intentional about it. I’ll also share with you 10 essential rules I think all couples should consider.

Download your FREE worksheet for this week’s episode.

Show Notes:

Follow Amanda on Facebook and Instagram.

Join Amanda's Private Facebook Group.

References for this episode: Living Within Reason

Episode 81 - Good Girl Syndrome Nov 08, 2019

If you have a hard time reconciling sexual thoughts and desires with your religious beliefs, you may have Good Girl Syndrome. How do we overcome the Natural Man but give in to the desires and appetites we were given by our Heavenly Parents? How do those two things work together for our good?

Episode 80 - How To Be Sexy Nov 01, 2019

Do you know how to be sexy? Is it ok as a woman of God to try and be sexy? What do men think makes a woman sexy? What do women think they need to do to be or feel sexy?

Episode 79 - Why I Believe Oct 25, 2019

The podcast this week is quite a bit different from my usual content. My son returned home from his mission this past Saturday, so I’ve been busy getting him settled back into real life and wasn’t able to devote the time to research the topic I had planned. So I’m sharing with you the talk I wrote and gave this past Sunday in our new ward’s Sacrament Meeting. I share my testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, my father’s conversion story and how it was the basis for my testimony and how I have seen the evidence of God’s hand in my life. But don’t worry, I tie it in to why I do what I do. Back to our regular topics next week.

Episode 78 - Guilt, Shame, and Eroticism Oct 18, 2019

In a recent survey I conducted, 40% of married women said they feel guilt and shame about sex. In this episode, we are addressing where this guilt and shame are coming from and why it is isn’t necessary.

Are you taking the 30-Day Say Yes To The Sex Challenge?

Flex Discs: http://rwrd.io/tddnzbx

Sexual Satisfaction Survey: https://amandalouder.typeform.com/to/HYppWQ

Episode 77 - Rejection Oct 11, 2019

Do you often reject your spouse’s advances for sex? Do you feel rejected by them? Rejection is a huge issue for many couples. Find out why we feel rejected and what we can do about it when we are.

I also challenge you to 30 days of saying Yes to the Sex!

Episode 76 - Default Sex Thoughts Oct 04, 2019

When you think of sex, what first comes to mind? Are you full of excitement and desire? Or are you immediately in dread? Does thinking about sex make you feel anxious? Are you annoyed? All of these feelings are created by your default sex thoughts. Do you like what you are thinking and feeling? Do you like what is happening for you? If so, then great! No need to make changes. But if you don’t like what is going on for you, or you have a desire to see things differently, then you might need to work on those default thoughts.

Episode 75 - The Big "O" Sep 27, 2019

This week's episode is all about orgasms. What are they? What do you they feel like? What keeps you from having one?

Episode 74 - How Body Image Affects Sex Sep 20, 2019

How do you feel about your body? Do you love it? Do you embrace it? When we don’t embrace our body it turns our desire for sex off. So how is your body image affecting your sex life?

Episode 73 - I’m Not In The Mood Sep 13, 2019

Do you think you have to be “In The Mood” to have sex with your husband? So many times, we think that desire needs to come before arousal. But it often doesn’t work that way. In this episode, we will discuss what things put you in the mood and what things don’t and how you can come to understand that you don’t need to be “in the mood” to have sex.

Episode 72 - I’m Not Attracted to My Spouse Sep 06, 2019

It’s normal to have ebbs and flows of attraction during a relationship. But what happens when you find yourself not attracted to your spouse anymore? What can you do? What is attraction anyway? Can you get it back?

Episode 71 - The Benefits of Sex Aug 30, 2019

Sex has many aspects that benefit us physical, emotional, spiritually and in our relationships. What are these benefits?

Episode 70 - Changing Our Beliefs About Sex Aug 23, 2019

What do you believe about sex? How do those beliefs shape the way you view your sex life? In my coaching, I have found that many women have underlying beliefs that sex is shameful, embarrassing, un-virtuous, or that it’s all about their husband. These beliefs are preventing them from having the amazing sex life that they could be having with their spouse. What could your life and sex life be like if those beliefs changed? What do you want to believe about sex?

Episode 69 - Asking Good Questions Aug 16, 2019

Do you look outside of yourself for answers to your questions? Our brain loves to solve problems. It loves to go to work and answer questions. So when you have a question, don’t look outside of yourself for the answer, put your brain to work! In this episode, I have some great questions you can ask yourself about who you are and what you believe about yourself, your spouse, and your marriage.

Episode 68 - Watching Your Brain Aug 09, 2019

Have you ever watching your brain think? It’s a fascinating process and very insightful into why we are feeling and behaving in certain ways. By becoming a watcher of our thoughts, we can gain power over them and figure out which thoughts are serving us best.

Episode 67 - Owning Your Results Aug 02, 2019

Do you ever notice things about your life and think “I wish they were different?” or maybe you see what has happened and blame others for how you think and feel. In either case, in this episode we will talk about owning your result and taking responsibility for what is going on in your life. This is the best news ever, because it means you have the power to change it.

Episode 66 - Attachment & Emotional Safety Jul 26, 2019

Does your spouse have a hard time opening up to you? Or maybe you feel anxious about the state of your relationship? Both of these come from our attachment style and feeling emotionally safe in our relationship. How can you feel emotionally safe in your relationship? How can you try to help your spouse feel emotionally safe? Find out how on this week's episode.

Episode 65 - Receiving Love Jul 19, 2019

Each of us has different ways of expressing love to those around us. And when someone is showing us they love us in a certain way, we need to let them do it in the way that works best for them, which is not necessarily the way we would like to receive it. So how do you become a good receiver of love? That’s what we are talking about on this week’s episode.

Episode 64 - When Your Sex Life Isn’t What You Expected Jul 12, 2019

Chances are, your sex life isn’t what you thought it would be. Whether it’s not as pleasurable, you just can’t seem to find the desire, or you and your spouse just don’t see eye to eye, it’s time to start figuring it out. Find out how you can make sex better for you on this week’s episode.

Episode 63 - Wanting More From Your Spouse Jul 05, 2019

Do you wish your spouse was more helpful around the house? More loving? More affectionate? Maybe you want them to help with the kids more, or cuddle or flirt more? Why do we always want more than what we have? What happens when we get it? Find out on this week’s episode.

Episode 62 - Accepting Your Spouse’s Bad Behaviors Jun 28, 2019

Do you struggle with accepting things your spouse does? Maybe they look at pornography or they’ve left the church. Or maybe they just don’t behave the way you think they should. In today’s podcast, we discuss how learning to accept your spouse and loving them for who they are actually feels so much better and sets you free.

Episode 61 - Confidence vs. Self-Confidence Jun 21, 2019

Do you have confidence? Do you have self-confidence? What is the difference? How does confidence and self-confidence effect your marriage? Find out more on this week’s episode!

Episode 60 - The Law of Chastity in Marriage Jun 14, 2019

We most often associate the Law of Chastity with the youth or young single adults. But, as married couples, the Law of Chastity still very much applies to us. How? Find out in this week’s podcast!

Episode 59 - Self Regulation Jun 07, 2019

Do you often feel out of control of your emotions and actions? Do you feel like you are at the mercy of what is going on around you? Self-regulation is an important skill that we are often missing in our lives. So what is self-regulation? How do I do it and how can it benefit me? How will regulating myself help my marriage? Find out how in this week’s podcast episode.

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Show Summary:

Coming Soon!

Episode 58 - How To Create An Amazing Marriage May 31, 2019

Want to know the secrets of how to have an amazing marriage? In this episode, we discuss the 4 things you need to do to create the marriage you’ve always wanted. (spoiler: it doesn’t involve the other person changing at all!)

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Episode 57 - Believing New Thoughts May 24, 2019

A belief is just a thought you’ve practiced a lot. It’s one you accept as truth. But you can choose to believe whatever you want about yourself, your life, and our marriage. Find out how to believe a new thought, even if it seems impossible!

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Episode 56 - Involuntary Thoughts May 17, 2019

Do you have weird and crazy thoughts pop into your head? Guess what? You’re normal! Everyone has them! But what are you making them mean when you have those thoughts? Are you taking them personally? Are you believing them? What should do you do about those pesky thoughts that just keep coming up?

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Show Notes:

Enter my 40th Birthday Giveaway Here!

Episode 55 - The “What If” Game May 10, 2019

Are you are your children often worried or have anxiety about things to come? In this episode, we talk about a little game I like to play that helps your brain see there is nothing to worry about after all.

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Episode 54 - How To Have A Great Mother’s Day May 03, 2019

Do you dread Mother’s Day? Do you end up feeling disappointment, guilt, or shame? Or does it remind you of what you do not have? In this episode, we will discuss how you can have a great Mother’s Day no matter your situation.

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Episode 53 - Making Decisions Apr 26, 2019

Do you have a hard time making decisions? Do you waffle back and forth? Do you not trust yourself to make good decisions? In this episode we will discuss HOW to make a decision, why you make the decisions you do, and how to be confident in your decisions.

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Show Notes:

Episode 52 - Celebrating Year One Apr 19, 2019

52 weeks of podcasting! I’m really excited about this milestone. It’s been such an amazing year and I am so proud of the work that I’ve done.

For this episode, listeners have called in left a message letting me and the rest of the audience know some of their favorite episodes or things that they have learned from the podcast.

Thank you for all of the love and support and I can’t wait to see what comes in the next 52 episodes!

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Show Notes:

Thank you so everyone who left me a voicemail!

Episode 51 - Curiosity Apr 12, 2019

Do you find yourself saying “I don’t know” a lot? Do you feel like you are often confused? When you don’t know the answer turn to the feeling of curiosity! Curiosity is the opposite of confusion. It opens up your mind to new possibilities. What would be possibly in your marriage if you were more curious?

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Show Notes:

Don't forget to leave me a voicemail and let me know how the podcast had helped you and your marriage. What was your "a-ha" moment?" Your message can be anonymous or you can leave your name and where you are from. It can be short or a few minutes long! I will air some of them on my 1-year anniversary episode next week! (385) 424-1032

Episode 50 - Developing a Better Relationship with Yourself Apr 05, 2019

What is your relationship with yourself? That inner dialogue. Do you speak positively to and about yourself? Or is it pretty negative? In this podcast, we are talking about how we can develop a better relationship with ourselves. It’s all just a matter of how we choose to think.

Don't forget to leave me a voicemail and let me know how the podcast had helped you and your marriage. What was your "a-ha" moment?" Your message can be anonymous or you can leave your name and where you are from. It can be short or a few minutes long! I will air some of them on my 1-year anniversary episode in a few weeks! (385) 424-1032.

Episode 49 - The Victim Mentality Mar 29, 2019

Are you stuck in a victim mentality? Often times we don’t even realize that when we complain and blame others for how we think and feel we are giving away our own power and putting yourself in a victim role. What does that look like and how can we change it? Find out on this week’s episode.

Episode 48 - When Things Don’t Go As Planned Mar 22, 2019

I think most people have a plan for their life and their marriage. But what happens when things don’t go according to plan? What if things completely fall apart? What can we choose to think and believe about our life when things are so different than what we wanted. Find out more on this week’s episode.

“Promptings or Me - Recognizing The Spirit’s Voice” by Kevin Hinckley. https://amzn.to/2Yc2zSY

Call in your "a-ha" moment and leave a voicemail!

(385) 424-1032.

Episode 47 - The Higher Desire Partner Mar 15, 2019

Are you the higher desire partner in your relationship? In this episode, we discuss strategies to help you build the intimate relationship with your spouse that you’ve always wanted.

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Show Summary:

Today we are going to talk about being the higher-desire partner in your marriage. In Episode 34 we discussed sex and intimacy coming more from the lower-desire partner perspective. I believe that it is so important for each one of us to cultivate that connection and desire for ourselves within our marriage and I go a lot more in depth on that in Episode 34.

Higher Desire Partners

So today I wanted to address the opposite - what if you are the higher desire partner in your marriage? Today we are going be focusing again on the higher desire partner for sex and intimacy, but there is usually a higher desire partner in a lot of aspects of marriage, not just sex. If a partner desires something more than another partner then they are the higher desire partner.

Right now my husband and I are in discussions about moving. He wants to move more than I do. So in this case he is the higher-desire partner. Another area you see this a lot is deciding to have more children. There is usually one spouse who wants to have a child more than the other. But just because one partner wants something more than the other one, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are polar opposites, although that too can be the case. But there is always one partner that wants something MORE than the other.

So, for the sake of consistency, and considering my audience is primarily women, I am going to be addressing this from the perspective that the woman is the higher desire partner. I know a lot of you would balk at that. I think culturally it is assumed that the husband is usually the higher desire partner, but that is not always the case. I know many women, including myself, who are the higher desire partner. Again, that doesn’t make your spouse “low desire” just “lower” than you. But, even if you aren’t the higher desire partner in your marriage, I think this can be a really good way for you to understand what things might be like for your spouse and how they may be feeling as the higher desire partner. I also think if you are NOT the higher desire partner, you shouldn’t just sit back and expect your spouse to change. You are equally responsible for how you are showing up in this aspect of your marriage.

Thoughts and Feelings of the Higher Desire Partner

Being the higher desire partner is a powerless position. You can’t make your spouse WANT to be with you. You can’t make them have more desire. You can’t make them deal with their own sexuality, so it really is a hard position to be in. But hopefully you’ll have a better idea of what you can do to create a better dynamic in your marriage after this podcast.

Ok - so what happens in your brain when you have the desire for sex or connection and intimacy and your spouse doesn’t? Maybe you’ve tried to initiate things and they shut you down. You might have thoughts like:

“This isn’t fair”

“Why can’t he just do it because I want to”

“If he was a good husband, he would try to meet my needs”

“This isn’t like what I see in movies”

So we know that all of our feelings are created by our thoughts. So when you have thoughts like that, what kind of feelings does that create in you? Probably something like:

Frustration
Anger
Resentment
Helplessness
Hopeless

Or maybe you make it mean something about you when he doesn’t want sex?

“If I were more attractive he’d want to have sex with me more”

“He doesn’t love me”

“He doesn’t desire me”

“I’m too fat”

“Maybe if my boobs were bigger he would find me more attractive and want to have sex more.”

And those kinds of thoughts create feelings of

Inadequacy
Rejection
Jealousy
Neediness

Now think about when you are feeling these emotions? Frustration, anger, resentment, jealousy, rejection, inadequacy, neediness. How do you act?

Frustration, anger and resentment isn’t going to create a relationship where he wants to build a connection and intimacy with you.

Moping around from rejection or being needy isn’t sexy either…

So what do you do?

Two meaning frames

According to Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, who is an LDS Sex Therapist there are usually two things that happen and neither option is very good.

Pressure

The first way is that you trying to pressure your husband into sex. You pressure, you cajole, maybe you even punish him or try to guilt him into it. When you do this, he may continue to shut you down or he may finally give in and give you “mercy sex.” But, I would guess receiving “mercy sex” doesn’t really bring thoughts that create love and connection between the two of you. If you think about it, it can actually bring a lot of thoughts that can make you feel even worse about yourself. “He’s not really doing it because he wants to” “He doesn’t actually love me, he’s just tired of me nagging and gives in.” Not great.

The other direction is if you feel entitled to sex, just because you are married. “He SHOULD have sex with me. He SHOULD want it more.” Do you hear those “shoulds” in there? That’s not going to create love and connection either.

Avoidance

The second way that Dr. Finlayson-Fife says that we often deal with our partner not wanting sex as much as we do is to avoid sex altogether. We don’t want to bring it up, we don’t want to confront it because it makes us uncomfortable or it makes our spouse uncomfortable and we can’t deal with the discomfort from either person. So we just try to avoid it all together.

Discomfort is a feeling, which comes from our thoughts. So what thought is that feeling of discomfort coming from? Think on that? Why does it make you feel uncomfortable to bring it up? Or why does it make you uncomfortable if your spouse feels uncomfortable?

Solution

In our marriages and in our sex life we want to feel desired, wanted, loved and chosen. So often it’s not actually about sex, but about the intimacy. We want to be known. We want to be seen. But that can feel scary because it means that we have to be vulnerable. We have to open up ourselves to the possibility of being rejected and being hurt. But since you are probably already feeling that anyway… maybe opening up is the key!

So how do we create that intimacy? How do we create feelings of love, and connection EVEN when our spouse doesn’t seem to want sex? The answer is, of course, is it comes from our thoughts.

We create feelings of love, connection, desire, and intimacy with our thoughts about our spouse. It doesn’t even matter if our spouse reciprocates. We are still capable of feeling those feelings, even if nothing changes on their end.

But, there are things we can do to hopefully help build that connection between the two of you.

1. Don’t take it personally

Differences in sexual desire within couples is very common. It really may not be about you at all. It may be a matter of hormone deficiency or other physiological problems, and it could be totally about them. Your partner may have thoughts and feelings about themselves that create a lack of desire in them. Don’t underestimate how hard this is for your spouse. Try to be understanding.

2. Pay attention to what helps your partner feel more desire.

If your husband is constantly rejecting your advances, the last thing you might feel like doing is being kind and thoughtful. But, if you want to improve things, doing things that help him feel more desire is a great way to go about it.

3. Do something different

Obviously what you are doing right now isn’t working. So try something different.

You may need to back off for a while and give them space. Don’t try to initiate anything. Sometimes the lower-desire partner simply needs more time for their batteries to recharge. If the constant tug-of-war is gone, they might feel more amorous.

This is also a great time to do some self-confrontation. Instead of asking the question “What’s my spouse’s problem?” it becomes ”What can I do to be more desirable to my spouse.”

We need to take a hard look at who WE are and how we are showing up in our marriage. Are we showing up in love and goodness? Are we being kind? Are we being generous? Are we confident in ourselves and not constantly seeking validation? Take a good look and see what areas you need to improve. What is your desirability? How are you coming off to your spouse? And, when it comes to sex, what kind of lover are you? And I don’t mean you have to know lots of positions and moves. But are you wanting to be pleasured but don’t reciprocate? Are you selfish? Are you doing things to help your spouse feel desired inside and outside the bedroom? Are you showing up as your best self to your spouse? Or are you needy? Do you have anxiety around sex? These are all good questions that you can ask yourself. Be honest. Self-confrontation isn’t easy. You may even want to ask your spouse about some of these things to see how they see you and how they feel. While you can’t control how they feel about it, it may give you some insight on areas where you can improve. But you need to create that safe space for them to feel comfortable opening up and sharing. You can’t get defensive or mean. You need to ask with the intent to not just listen, but truly hear what they are saying without judgement. Give them the space to be honest and to be themselves so that you can create the connection between two people who are being their true selves and living from their own integrity. It might be hard to hear some of the things they have to say. But understanding where they are coming from and where they see things need to improve will go a long way to creating that connection you want.

4. Focus on what works

Have there been time in your relationship where the sex was better? (Besides the honeymoon period?) See if you can pin point what was different during those times and try to recreate it. If they are reproducible, then do it!

5. Accept what is offered

Sometimes we are so focused on the sex that we miss what is actually being offered. In good relationships, people do things all the time for their partners that may not be exactly what they feel like doing in the moment. But seeing what your partner IS doing and accepting those offers as act of love, can go a long way to building intimacy and connection.

6. Communication

Communication is so important with our spouse. But we need to understand who we are, and what we truly want in our marriage first. Once we understand what we truly want, we need to communicate our wants from a place of integrity. If we are saying to our spouse that we “NEED” sex like it’s a biological need that they are supposed to satisfy, that is not going to help build the intimacy in your marriage. But if you communicate with your spouse from a place of honesty and integrity, then that creates a place where you can both come together to communicate your needs and desires and negotiate how it is going to work best for the two of you.

Maybe that means negotiating frequency or a schedule, something where you know as the higher desire partner you will be fulfilling that need without the lower desire partner feeling pressure all the time.

Maybe that means the lower-desire partner needs certain conditions to be met to engage in or enjoy sex (like morning vs night, kids not home, shower first, etc.) You may see these as excuses, but it’s what your partner needs to feel relaxed and comfortable so getting in the mood is easier. But this is only done through communication and understanding yourself first!

If you’ve gotten to the point where you are starting to look outside of the marriage to meet your needs, you need to be brutally honest with you spouse. You need to communicate how important this topic is to you and what you are willing to do to work on it. Make certain that your spouse understands what will happen in your marriage if nothing changes. I wouldn’t threaten, especially in the heat of an argument, but just calmly communicate how important this issue to you and how much you want to work on it together.

Michele Weiner-Davis, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker said

“Each partner in a relationship needs to take personal responsibility for making things better. When both of you make more of an effort to understand each other's needs and feelings, you will undoubtedly feel closer and more connected emotionally and physically. And at the end of the day, isn't that what healthy relationships are all about?” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/201001/9-vital-tips-the-partner-higher-sex-drive)

So, I have a list of new thoughts you can try to help create better feelings for you until you can work things out. Remember - these thoughts are like clothes, try them on and see if they work for you. And if they don’t, you can try on different ones.

“Even though he doesn’t want sex, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want ME”

“What a bummer for him, because sex with me is great”

“We can work this out so that we are both happy and satisfied”

“I want to create an better sexual relationship with my husband and I can figure out how”

“I love my husband now and I will continue to make our relationship even better”

Episode 46 - You’ll Find Exactly What You Are Looking For Mar 08, 2019

What are you looking for in your marriage and in your spouse? Are you looking for the good or are you just noticing all the bad? Did you know your brain will find evidence of whatever it is you are looking for? Find out more on this week’s podcast.

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Show Summary:

Let’s talk about our brain a little bit. If you’ve listened to other episodes, these concepts will be familiar to you, but let’s just talk about them again.

Our brain is constantly taking in information. Dr. Joseph Dispenza says that the brain processes 400 Billion bits of information a second. Isn’t that incredible? 400 Billion! But then it has to sort through all of that information for what is RELEVANT for us. (http://www.basicknowledge101.com/subjects/brain.html)

Our brain is constantly looking for evidence to prove what we think about something or someone is right. Our brains love to be right. They would rather be right about something, that to have to expend the energy to try and think differently. So our brains are constantly scanning the world for evidence to support and prove that it is right. It’s very very good at this.

Our brain also loves to scan the world for what is wrong to avoid physical and emotional danger as well as making sure we measure up and how we fit in in the world. And again…it’s very good at this.

Our brain also LOVES to solve problems. So it’s constantly scanning for problems to solve and then working to solve them. But because our brain developed these mechanisms to keep us safe, it often finds problems when there are actually none and it loves to find plenty of evidence to support them. It does this in all areas of our lives.

Let me give you an example - so right now we are considering moving to a different area. As I drive through that area now, my brain is constantly scanning for all the houses for sale. This is an area I drive through probably 3 times a week and never noticed how many houses are for sale. But now that we are considering moving, my brain is constantly on the look out for homes for sale and I’m seeing them everywhere.

Or what about when you are looking for a new car? If you kind of narrow it down to what you want and then all of the sudden you see that particular kind of car everywhere.

This is your brain finding evidence for what you are looking for…because it wants to be right. It’s trying to solve a problem for you.

So, what about when we think there might be something wrong in our marriage or with our spouse? Our brain does that same thing and finds evidence to support what we think is true.

If we think thoughts that our spouse is grumpy or mean, or lazy, or he works too much, or he’s not a good priesthood holder, or he’s not nice to the kids, that is exactly we will find because our brain will sort through lots of information and make that relevant.

If we think thoughts that our spouse doesn’t support us or we don’t have a connection or that they are selfish or they don’t care about us …that’s what we will find.

Our brain will find all the ways to make whatever we are thinking true, because it wants to be right.

I have several clients who are struggling to see the good in their marriages and in their husbands because all of the thoughts they have been thinking that their brain has found so much evidence for.

And…most of the time they don’t recognize that those are just thoughts. They think they are just FACTS because they have soooo much evidence that they are right.

It’s just a FACT that their husband is grumpy. It’s a FACT that their husband is lazy. It’s a FACT that their husband is a workaholic. It’s a FACT that they don’t have a connection with him.

But NONE of those are FACTS! They aren’t my friends. They are ALL Thoughts. And remember…our thoughts are optional. All of them. You can CHOOSE to think whatever you want about your spouse. Did you know that it’s possible to think that your husband is amazing EVEN if he sits home all day doing nothing? Did you know it’s possible to think that you have an amazing connection with him even if he doesn’t talk to you very much? It’s totally possible!

So - how do we change the way that we are looking at things? How do we change our thoughts about our husband when we have so much evidence for how we are currently thinking?

The first thing you can do, is start looking for evidence of the opposite.

I have had a couple of clients recently who have really struggled finding the good in their husbands. They have LOTS of evidence that they have shared with me about why he is isn’t a good husband. Why they can’t love him. Why they can’t respect him.

So the first thing I have them do is list out all of the things they DO like or love about him. List some of his good qualities. Even the worst husbands usually have SOME redeeming qualities. Make a list. And then each day, add a few more. Look for the good instead of constantly looking for the bad and watch your mind shift…

It definitely takes effort. It takes a conscious effort to look for the good each day. But as you do so, your brain will find more and more evidence to support your new thoughts.

Then I want you to work on changing your story. Even if you don’t believe it now, work on believing a new story about him.

If you can’t believe that your spouse is amazing and wonderful and loving… maybe start with a bridging thought like…

It’s possible that my spouse is amazing and wonderful and loving!

It’s possible that he is the perfect spouse for me.

It’s possible that we have an amazing relationship.

Your relationship could be exactly what you want it to be if you work on finding evidence for it instead of the opposite.

A few weeks ago I was listening to an interview on another podcast with a professional interrogator. One of the tactics he uses when investigating crimes and interviewing potential suspects to place values on that person, let them know what the value he placed on them is, and then they live up to that value. Now stay with me here, because I think this can be really applicable to marriage.

He gave an amazing example of man named James. James had had a hard life. He had a girlfriend and his girlfriend got pregnant and shortly before she gave birth, she broke up with him and started seeing another guy. The baby was born, and shortly after this new boyfriend killed the baby. The man went to prison and after he got out of prison, James found him and beat him so bad that he ended up being sent to prison for assault. When he got out of prison, he got a job at this investigators company and stole some money and that is what put him in front of the investigator.

Now the investigator could go into that interview, see his history, and the “facts” and also have thoughts about what a bad guy this James is. That he would assault a man and that he stole money from this company. But the investigator didn’t do that. He went into the investigation knowing that James valued justice. By assaulting the man who killed his child, he was seeking justice. And as a father and someone who also values justice, he could relate to the investigator.

This investigator also shared that he had struggled in his marriage. He had put some labels on his wife that began to deteriorate their marriage. But when he decided to put some different labels on her, she “became” those labels.

What labels are you putting on your spouse? What labels have you given them that they are probably now living up to….

Lazy? Grumpy? Mean? Poor communicator? Porn addict?

What new labels could you put on them instead?

Hard working Reliable Kind Respectful Loving

Interesting right?

Just by putting some different labels on our spouse and on our marriage - it could change everything.

Your spouse and your marriage could be exactly what you are looking for.

Episode 45 - Reacting vs. Responding Mar 01, 2019

Often we react to situations in a split second. We are not even conscious of the thoughts that drive our feelings and actions and we react to a situation poorly. In this episode, you will learn how to respond to a situation instead of reacting to get better results in your life.

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.

Show Notes:

Reacting vs. Responding

Show Summary:

Let’s talk about reacting vs. responding. Some people use these words interchangeably, but I think there is a big difference between the two.

Reaction

A reaction happens in a split second. It’s driven by an unconscious thought and it’s usually based on thoughts we tend to think over and over and over.

Most often our reactions (since they come from not thoughts you aren’t thinking on purpose) don’t take into consideration the long term effects of what you do or say. It might turn out okay, but often a reaction is something you regret later.

Response

A response on the other hand, usually comes more slowly. A response usually comes from being intentional and purposely thinking something. You take into consideration how you want to show up in that situation, and others around you. You can also weigh out the consequences of your decision.

The reaction and the response may look the same, but they FEEL very different because of the thoughts behind them.

For example - Say your spouse says something to you that touches a nerve. Normally you react by getting defensive. Maybe you criticize him in some way. Maybe you yell and scream. Or maybe you just feel awful about yourself and withdraw. That is a reaction.

A response would be to take a breath. Think about how you want to show up in that situation. Do you want to yell and criticize? Do you want to feel awful about yourself and withdraw? Maybe, when you think about it you want to seek understanding of where you spouse is coming from and why they are feeling the way they are. It doesn’t mean you agree with them, but you can respond in a way that is more in line with your values.

We all know there is a difference in responding vs. reacting, but the more reacting we do, the less empowered we are. When we operate from underlying beliefs and are not intentional in our lives most often our results are less than stellar and not what we want them to be.

So how do we fix this?

The first step is to become aware of what those underlying thoughts and beliefs are. This takes time and work.

When a situation happens that we reacted to, we need to go back and analyze it. Do a model on it. Figure out that thought so we can gain awareness over it. Awareness of those underlying thoughts in and of itself is so powerful.

The next time it happens something similar happens, we may react in the exact same way, and that is ok. Just be compassionate with yourself that you are still learning. But go back again and analyze it. What happened? What was the thought that prompted me to feel and act this way? More awareness.

Once you feel like you have a good understanding that it is NOT what your spouse said or did that made you react this way, but it was that unconscious thought, then you get some power over it and can move to a new intentional thought.

In 1998, researchers Anthony Greenwald, Debbie McGhee, and Jordan Schwarz introduced something called the Implicit Association Test. It measured the milliseconds that it takes to connect pairs of ideas. The test is based on the concept that you will be faster putting together ideas you already associate with one another.

For example - if the you think that someone criticizing you means that something is wrong with you then that association is what your brain will automatically go to. But if you decide that if someone criticizes you, you don’t want to make it mean anything about you, that is not what you unconscious mind will naturally go to, so it will take extra time for your brain to make those new associations.

The important thing is to allow yourself that time. When you feel yourself about to react, take a breathe. Think your new thoughts, and then respond from a place of empowerment and choice rather than just react.

When we do this - we are interrupting our model.

Our original model was the circumstance, the unconscious thought, the feeling, and the action (or reaction), and our results that aren’t great.

But in our interrupted model, we have our same circumstance (like our husband saying something we think is a criticism), and our brain jumps to our normal belief, but we stop, we take a breathe, we think our new thought and respond.

As we do this over and over, our brain will eventually start to connect the circumstance to our new thought automatically and we are able to respond instead of react in that scenario.

But just because you can do this in one scenario, doesn’t mean you will do it all scenarios and circumstances. Each one will take intentional thoughts and work. But you will get better and better at it with practice.

Sometimes when we learn about this we try to put it into practice immediately and get frustrated with ourselves when we continue to show up in ways that don’t serve us. So make sure you are just taking things slow and just gaining the awareness first. You need to have a firm grasp of the thought creating the feeling and driving the action before you try to correct it.

I have found this to be a very important skill in my parenting. So many times my kids would be acting up or doing something that they always do and my unconscious thoughts were “why are they acting this way, they know better, they shouldn’t be doing this” which would cause me to feel frustrated and angry and I would yell at my kids. But guess what, I hardly every yell at my kids anymore. Because when they are acting up, my intentional thought is “of course they are acting this way, they’re kids or they’re teenagers, and I want to teach them and love them” and then I show up in that situation so much better to my kids. I show up in love and peace and understanding rather than in anger or frustration. I feel so much better about how I am showing up as their mom.

But I still have my moments where I don’t show up as my best self so it’s always important to go back in and repair. According to the Gottman Institute, repair is less about fixing what’s broken and more about getting back on track. It’s about forgiving yourself and understanding that you are human, you make mistakes, but you can apologize and get back on track with the relationship. This takes vulnerability. It means admitting your mistakes. But it can really help create that bond in a relationship.

Episode 44 - Judgment & Criticism Feb 22, 2019

So many of us are afraid of judgment or criticism from others. We hold ourselves back from doing great things in our lives for fear of being judged. judgment from friends, family, spouses, even complete strangers? Why do we feel judged? Most of the time it’s a story we make up in our heads based on our insecurities. But what about when they actually say it? What do you do?

In this podcast, we will address what judgment and criticism are, and what to do when you do feel you are being judged by others.

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I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts the other day and the person being interviewed said her mom used to tell her when she felt she was being judged that “People don’t actually think about you as much as you think they do.” Which is so true. But…if you are feeling judged, this episode is for you. So let’s get started.

I have a lot of clients that feel judged by other people. They feel judged by their spouse, they feel judged by their family, parents, and in-laws, they feel judged by their neighbors, they feel judged by people at church.

They feel judged for a variety of reasons:

On their parenting
On their appearance
On their situation in life
On their education
On their possessions or lack of them
On how they spend their time
and for a variety of other things

For example - I have many clients and friends who feel judged for being divorced, especially at church. That there is a stigma around divorce and they constantly feel that judgment from others because of it.

Can I tell you that I have never once felt that way. How can so many say and feel that there is a stigma around divorce at church and they constantly feel judged for being divorced and yet I have never felt that way? How can that be….

And what I want to offer to you today is that the reason you are feeling judged (because judged is a FEELING) is because of your thoughts and insecurities around that particular topic.

I personally have never been insecure about being divorced. Now - I have felt plenty insecure about a lot of other things, but being divorced isn’t one of them. I have always been completely confident in my decision to divorce my first husband. Does that mean that no one has ever judged me for it? Probably not. But I didn’t FEEL judged because I wasn’t thinking thoughts that would create that feeling in me.

So - the pattern that I see with myself and with my friends and clients is that we most often we feel judged for the things we are most insecure about. When we are feeling judged or criticized it’s the voice in our head saying we aren’t enough, or there is something wrong with us.

Judgment in our Model

So let’s fill out our CTFAR model on this.

C: Lady at church says something about “divorce” (which is kind of a vague circumstance, but we’ll go with it for example purposes)

T: (Our thought can be a variety of things like “maybe she’s right”, or “something is wrong with me”)

F: Judged

A: We examine our life and what she is judging to make sure we measure up

R: We judge ourselves

What????? Isn’t that fascinating? We feel judged and we end up judging ourselves. Crazy right!

,Now remember, our circumstance is always neutral. The lady in church is allowed to say and do anything she wants, but it’s our thoughts that give it meaning.

What IF she was trying to criticize you? What if? Remember that is HER thoughts. And she can think or say whatever she wants. It really has nothing to do with you. It has to do with her.

I always like to go to aplace of compassion for that person. How sad for her that she chooses to think those kind of thoughts. I’m sure it doesn’t feel good to think negative thoughts about people all the time.

Judgment from our spouse

Now let’s take a look at being judged by our spouse. Again, I believe that most of that feeling of judgment is because we are insecure about things. Maybe our appearance or our parenting or how we keep house?

Our spouse has a front row seat to all of our inadequacies, flaws, and insecurities. A lot of times we tell ourselves stories about what our spouse is thinking about us without them ever saying a word. Instead of choosing to believe that our spouse is thinking good things about us, our brain offers us thoughts like

He thinks I’m fat
He doesn’t think I’m a good mom
He doesn’t think I do a good job keep up with the house

Again - those are all a story you are telling yourself and you can purposely choose to think that your spouse feels differently.

But what if they say it - out loud. What if they say things like

The house is a mess
Why isn’t dinner ready?
You should have done that differently

Most of the time that is your spouse revealing their manual for you (and if you don’t know what a manual is, check out episode 39). They have a set of rules and ways they think you need to operate in order for them to be happy. But it actually has NOTHING to do with you. Again - it’s about them.

So when they say those things, you can choose to take it personally. To feel judged (because remember, what they say is actually neutral), and it’s just more evidence to judge yourself by. OR you can do something completely different.

Have you ever tried agreeing with them? Instead of feeling judged or getting defensive - maybe just agree with them.

If your spouse says “Hey, the house is a disaster” instead of feeling judged you can say “Totally - somebody should do something about that” or “It totally is - I just didn’t get to it today.” Did you know that was an option?

Recently, someone I love told me that I act like a victim. I did NOT like hearing that. I felt very judged. But when I took a step back and examined some things, I realized that I often do act like a victim in certain situations. So my response was “You’re right…sometimes I do. I’ll keep working on that.”

Self-judgment

Now - what about self-judgment. Self-judgment comes from thinking we should be different than we are. It’s those pesky thoughts in our brain. It’s our manual for ourself.

Now, there is nothing wrong with noticing something about yourself that you don’t like and want to change, like I did with being a victim. But that doesn’t mean you should beat yourself up for it. Change NEVER comes from judgment or making ourselves feel bad. Change comes from love, compassion, and realizing that we are of worth no matter what.

Fear of judgment

I see a lot in clients, friends, teenagers, and my own kids holding back from doing something or being who they truly are for fear of being judged by others. Judged by “the crowd.”

When I was serving in the Young Women (an organization serving young women from 12-18 in my church) I would hear from them a lot about being afraid to do something because “THEY” will judge me.

This is totally normal. It’s something we all do. This FEAR of judgment holds us back. But remember, feeling judged is just a feeling. It’s definitely a negative emotion and it doesn’t feel good. But feelings can’t actually hurt us. FEAR is also a feeling that can’t hurt us. Does it feel good? No! But avoiding negative feelings and living a life that is “Less Than” so that you won’t be who you truly are doesn’t feel very good either.

I encourage you to FEEL your FEELINGS. When you get really good at feeling your feelings and you are willing to feel ANY emotions - you are pretty much unstoppable. When you learn to feel your feelings, just sit with them, and let them process, rather than resisting them or avoiding them, they just aren’t that big of a deal and they move through your body a lot faster.

How do I not judge other people?

So what if you are the one that is judging others. We all do it. It’s totally normal. Our brain is always looking for evidence that we are ok and that we are fitting into our world. And sometimes it’s a good thing to judge others.

On LDS.org in the Gospel Topics on Judging Others it says:

“Judgment is an important use of our agency and requires great care, especially when we make judgments about other people. All our judgments must be guided by righteous standards. Only God, who knows each individual’s heart, can make final judgments of individuals.”

It goes on to say “Sometimes people feel that it is wrong to judge others in any way. While it is true that we should not condemn others or judge them unrighteously, we will need to make judgments of ideas, situations, and people throughout our lives.

Sometimes we focus on others’ faults when we should instead be working to improve ourselves.

Our righteous judgments about others can provide needed guidance for them and, in some cases, protection for us and our families. We should approach any such judgment with care and compassion. As much as we can, we should judge people’s situations rather than judging the people themselves. Whenever possible, we should refrain from making judgments until we have an adequate knowledge of the facts. And we should always be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, who can guide our decisions.”

I really like the part that if we are to judge others it should be with care and compassion. Isn’t that always the answer - Love and Compassion? When I find myself judging others I really try to catch myself and turn it around. What can I love about them? Can I give them a sincere compliment? We all have our flaws - how can I see the good in someone else?

Episode 43 - Needing Validation Feb 15, 2019

Wanting validation from our spouse is pretty normal. We want to feel loved, desired, and validated by the person we love most.

Why do we want that? Why do we want anything? We want something because of how we think it will make us feel when we get it. But feeling validated, worthy, and loved is available to you all the time without them ever having to say a word.

When we understand who we are and our unchanging worth, needing outside validation is no longer something we need or crave.

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Episode 42 - Unconditional Love Feb 08, 2019

We don’t love other people because they deserve it, we love others because love feels amazing. It’s a gift we give ourselves.

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Episode 41 - Am I Being Abused? Feb 01, 2019

Some people want to be seen as victims so they claim they are abused. Others refuse to see the abuse because they don’t want to be a victim or they think the behavior is normal. So what is abuse? We will discuss it in detail in this episode.

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TheHotline.org Spiritual Abuse

Episode 40 - Boundaries Jan 25, 2019

Healthy boundaries promote self-responsibility and empowerment. And while we may be afraid that boundaries separate us from others, they really do quite the opposite. They lead us to closer relationships with others. In this podcast, learn what a healthy boundary looks like and when to set one.

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Episode 39 - The Manual Jan 18, 2019

Most of us have a manual for our spouse. An unwritten list of do’s and don’ts that affect the way you feel? Your emotions tied up in someone else’s behavior leaves you powerless and at the mercy of someone else. Do you really want to tie your emotions to someone else’s behavior? I don’t think so! It’s time to take your power back!

Episode 38 - The Gift of Agency Jan 11, 2019

What is agency? Most people think that it’s being able to choose our path. Choose right from wrong. But I think it means much more than that. Agency is the ability to choose everything! Even every single thought we think. As humans, we just haven’t learned how to use this magnificent gift to its full potential. But this podcast will help you see how you can use it more than you currently are.

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Show Notes:

Ensign Magazine - January 2019 Issue Articles referenced: The Gospel: An Eternal Life Hack and Teach Me to Fly: Achieving Emotional Self-Reliance in the Lord’s Way

Show Summary:

Today I wanted to address the topic of agency. In my faith as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we talk about agency quite often. We talk about it as a gift that as children of God we received so that when we came to earth we could “act for ourselves and not be acted upon.” We consider it to be the greatest gift we have been given next to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Agency is a big deal.

What is Agency?

We are taught, in our doctrine, that a war in Heaven was fought in our pre-mortal existence over the whether or not we should have agency. Satan wanted to force us to do what was right so that everyone would get to return back to our Heavenly Father someday. But Christ wanted us to be able to choose and He would atone for our sins so that justice and mercy could be satisfied. And He would choose to give all the glory to God where Satan wanted to keep it for himself.

Elder Renlund, in a talk in the October 2018 General Conference said “Our Heavenly Father’s goal in parenting is not to have His children DO what is right; it is to have His children choose to do what is right and ultimately become like Him. If He simply wanted us to be obedient, He would use immediate rewards and punishments to influence our behaviors.”

A more secular definition of agency is: “the capacity of individuals to act independently and to make their own free choices”

As members of the Church and as a society in general, I don’t think we understand the extent of what agency truly is. Most people think that it’s being able to choose our path. Choose right from wrong. But I think it means much more than that.

I don’t think that agency is just the ability to choose right from wrong, good or evil. Agency is the ability to choose EVERYTHING. Including all of our thoughts.

I love this quote by Brooke Castillo

“Your thinking is the one place that you have complete agency. If your thoughts are getting you the results you want then great, but if they aren't you can always try on some new thoughts and see if you find some that feel a little bit better and get you the results that you're looking for.” - Brooke Castillo

I had this podcast all written and then when I was reading the Ensign this morning I came across this quote and thought that it fit perfectly with what I wanted to share with you today.

In Doctrine and Covenants section 9, Oliver Cowdery is chastised for trying to translate the Book of Mormon plates without taking any “thought save it was to ask [God]” (verse 7). He is then admonished to “study it out in [his] mind,” come to his own conclusion, and then “ask [God] if it be right” (verse 8).

When we follow this pattern, Heavenly Father is not abandoning us to rely completely on our own abilities and thoughts as we care for our mental health. He is allowing us the opportunity to learn how to exercise our agency.

As we exercise our agency over and over again in this manner whenever our emotional well-being is tested, we slowly become better and more confident.

https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2019/01/young-adults/teach-me-to-fly-achieving-emotional-self-reliance-in-the-lords-way?l=

Why do we want agency?

Agency gives us so much freedom. A lot of times we unknowingly give away our agency. When we choose to think that we HAVE to do something. But there are really not many things in life that we HAVE to do.

We don’t HAVE to clean the house

We don’t HAVE to make dinner

We don’t HAVE to obey the commandments

We don’t HAVE to have sex with our husbands

We don’t HAVE to do anything…

They are all choices. And choosing to think that we HAVE to do them actually gives away our agency and creates feelings of resentment and frustration.

I was reading an article in our church’s magazine, The Ensign a few days ago. There was an article about how commandments are God’s way of saving us from a lot of pain and suffering. Here’s a quote from that article

“With any of God’s commandments, we have the choice to follow them or ignore them. But as I thought of the Word of Wisdom as a set of guidelines from God that both anticipates and protects us from so many challenges, I thought, “What if all of God’s commandments work that way?” What if a loving Heavenly Father, who has experienced this life and its challenges, has given a guidebook to help us navigate the world as painlessly as possible? And what if He gave that to us because He loves us and wants to protect us?”

Many people believe that the commandments are so RESTRICTIVE and they HAVE to follow them. But understanding that we don’t HAVE to follow them (because we have agency), but by doing so protects us from so many things, helps us feel like we have the CHOICE.

When we believe we are unable to CHOOSE, we feel trapped and restricted. But when we realize that we have the ability to choose anything we want, we feel that freedom. We are able to do what is ultimately going to make us happy, satisfied, and fulfilled. We get blessings!

Taking responsibility for our choices

Sometimes it’s hard for us to accept that we are responsible for the results in our life. We want to blame others for our circumstances and the way that we feel. It feels easier to blame others for those things sometimes than by accepting that responsibility for ourselves. But by blaming things outside of us, we are essentially giving away our agency. We are handing it over to someone else to make those choices for us, which is exactly what SATAN wanted for us. But when we realize that we don’t have to blame others for our circumstances or how we feel, we get our power back. We can take control. When we don’t like what is happening to us or how we are feeling, we just have to reorganize the way we are thinking and find the thoughts that bring us back to agency again.

Having the ability to choose makes us more like our Heavenly Father and what makes us human. Animals have brains like our lower brain, our caveman brain. A brain that is driven by instincts with the need to survive. The lower brain operates on the motivational triad. It seeks pleasure, avoids pain, and wants to reduce effort. But we as humans, also have the higher brain, a pre-frontal cortex…we have the ability to NOT be driven by just a survival instinct, but by evaluating the choices we have in front of us and their consequences. This is what sets us apart. This is what makes us uniquely human.

Consequences

There are always consequences for our actions. Good and bad. Sometimes those consequences are understood ahead of time and sometimes they are not. But there are always consequences. God set out consequences, we set out consequences as parents. Life sets out consequences. That is part of agency. But it’s how we choose to think about those things that matter.

We don’t HAVE to cook dinner…but the consequence may be that our children eat cold cereal for dinner. Is that a consequence you can live with? Maybe? Maybe some days that is totally acceptable and other days it’s not.

You don’t HAVE to abstain from alcohol, smoking, drugs, coffee, etc. But the consequences of not, can have small effects on your life or extreme effects on your life, maybe even eternal consequences. If you don’t abstain from alcohol you may not have any immediate consequences. But you may have long term ones. You may drink and drive and hurt someone. You may become addicted. Many addictions take away our capacity to make decisions, to use our agency. Or they make other choices harder. Those are consequences….

I often struggle with letting my children have their agency. Of course I they need to obey. Of course they need to think the way I want them to think. Of course they need to do what is best for them.

But what if they don’t? What if instead of forcing my way of thinking on them, I let them choose….

Sometimes those choices are going to be ok. But sometimes they are not. Sometimes there are going to be really bad for them. And sometimes I choose to be sad about it.

I’ve been struggling with something with my kids lately and I’ve really had to do some soul searching on it. I have asked them not to do homework on Sundays. Inevitably every Sunday one or more of them has homework that they haven’t done as is due the next day. They made choices to do other things on Friday and Saturday or through the entire winter break and left their homework to do on Sunday. So I have the choice of how I want to respond. I can lay down consequences. Or, I can reiterate my request and try to set an example. Or another option is I can choose HOW I want to think about them doing homework on Sunday and choose how I want to think about them in general. Do I want to be mad at them for making that choice? Do I want to be frustrated? Disappointed? Not, I really don’t. I don’t want to feel mad or frustrated or disappointed. What I really want, is to just be at peace about it. To not get upset when they don’t do what I ask. Not even give them consequences or reiterate why I think it’s so important. They’ve heard me say it. They obviously feel differently. Do I think it would be better for them? Sure! But they need to learn that for themselves. They need to make their choices.

Agency in Marriage

I hear a lot from clients that their life would be so much better if they spouse did X, Y, and Z. That they are frustrated, or angry, or resentful, or downright miserable because their spouse is making choices that they don’t agree with.

He should help me more around the house.

He shouldn’t work so much.

He should spend more time with the kids.

He should pick up after himself.

He should do things the way I want them done so it doesn’t cause me STRESS!

He should SEE that I am drowning and WANT to help!

And because he doesn’t do these things that I think he SHOULD do, it proves that he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want to be around me. He doesn’t care. He’s selfish.

My lovely friends…ALL of these are thoughts that right now your brain is offering you and you are choosing to believe.

Your husband is using HIS agency and making choices. You want to try and take away his agency and FORCE him or at least WANT him to do things exactly the way you want so that you can feel better.

Who does that sound like???? Who wanted to FORCE us to do and feel and certain way?

Is that what you want for yourself? Is that what you want for your marriage?

You can’t take away his agency. But you CAN use your own to change the way you are CHOOSING to think about him.

And I’m not saying this is easy…especially if you have been thinking these things for a long time. But it is TOTALLY possible, if that is what you choose…

What seek ye?

If you were studying the Come, Follow Me lessons in Week 1 one of the themes was What Seek Ye? As I really pondered that phrase and as I pondered this episode the two coincided in my brain.

So what seek ye? Are you purposeful? Are you intentional? What are you seeking?

Do you purposely chose each thought? Or are you letting your lower brain run run wild and allow and believe every little thought it throws out there for you?

Are you intentional with your thoughts and deeds? Or are you ok with the status quo? Going with the flow? Not evolving and changing.

What seek ye?

Using our agency, to choose all of our thoughts, is our highest self. It is what our Heavenly Father truly wants for us. This is what we fought for in the war in Heaven. This is what makes us like Him.

Episode 37 - Emotional Vocabulary Jan 04, 2019

Having a better emotional vocabulary helps you identify what you are actually feeling. The feeling of “powerful” is going to drive a lot different action than feeling “good.” So when someone asks you how you are doing today…. how do you want to answer? “Fine?” “Good?” “Hanging in there?” or do you want to be “Awesome?” “Amazing?” “Confident?” “Productive?” How you answer could be the key to feeling exactly how you want to feel.

Episode 36 - Who do you want to be in 2019? Dec 28, 2018

Who do you want to be in 2019? “Over the years, I have observed that those who accomplish the most in this world are those with a vision for their lives, with goals to keep them focused on their vision and tactical plans for how to achieve them. Knowing where you are going and how you expect to get there can bring meaning, purpose, and accomplishment to life.” M. Russell Ballard

Episode 35 - Overcoming Resentment Dec 21, 2018

Resentment is defined as bitter indication after THINKING you’ve been treated unfairly. This is a huge issue I see in many of my clients. In today’s episode we discuss 4 ways you can deal with resentment in your marriage and how changing your thinking is the key!

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This podcast was actually at the request of one of my listeners. Resentment is a huge issue I see in my clients, so I thought I would do a whole episode on it.

Definition of resentment: Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly

I would add to that definition that its bitter indication after THINKING you’ve been treated unfairly.

So today I want to talk about 4 ways you can deal with resentment in your marriage. I believe these solutions can also be applied to other relationships as well.

1. Addressing Your Feelings

Sometimes people think they are falling out of love with their spouse when they are actually feeling resentment. The resentment can make you angry, withdraw, and think there are no feelings of love anymore.

To determine if you are truly feeling resentment, really take a look at your thoughts. Are your thoughts causing you to feel unappreciated, disappointed, angry, or hurt? Are there problems in the relationship that you haven’t discussed? If the answer to these questions is yes, you are probably feeling resentment.

Often resentment forms when a couple doesn’t discuss small problems. This leads to the problem festering until one or both partners are angry and full of toxic thoughts. So, to resolve this, you need to discuss the problems when they form so you can get them out in the open and work through them. If you have a hard time discussing issues, try discussing small things first, like scheduling and meals, before tackling some of your bigger issues.

Some people don’t bring up their feelings because they don’t trust that their feelings are valid. They may think they are overreacting or being too sensitive. Or they may be afraid that they will be perceived that way by their spouse. But feelings are ALWAYS valid, even negative ones like hurt, disappointment, and anger. Allow yourself to feel your feelings so that you can voice them to your partner. Your feelings are important. But also remember that your feelings come from your own thoughts. Take ownership of them and do not blame them on the situation or your partner.

Many times we avoid bringing up problems in our marriage because we don’t like conflict. We want to do anything to avoid fighting and instead we remain quiet to keep the peace. I like to call this “peacefully resentful.”

Resentment doesn’t lead to a good marriage, so a bit of uncomfortable conflict or even some angry feelings is worth getting through so that you don’t have bigger problems later on.

2. Talk about the Resentment

Part of dealing with resentment is listening to your partner’s problems and feelings. Though it may be hard to hear, take a step back and listen objectively to what they have to say. You may want to employ the empathetic listening skills we talked about in episode 27.

But listening to your partner, even if you feel resentment also, helps you work through the problems and reach a solution. Refusing to listen leads to more resentment and can eventually lead to the end of the relationship.

If you feel like you can’t talk to your partner or your partner won’t listen to you, you may want to seek a professional to help mediate. Even if your spouse won’t see someone, you can go by yourself to help you figure out how to deal with the issues in your marriage and how to better communicate. Coaching is a great option.

When communicating with your spouse, be careful to not place blame on your partner. Remember, that your feelings are coming from your thoughts and take responsibility for that. Blaming them generally leads to more problems, anger and resentment. Remember to use “I” statements when communicating.

3. Finding a Solution

Resentment happens when you don’t forgive what someone has done to do you. To help you move past the resentment, you must forgive your spouse for what they have done. This helps you both move forward and repair the damage caused by the resentment.

Forgiveness means that you acknowledge that a wrong was done, but you don’t let it control your emotions and your relationship. Sometimes we are unable to forgive because we want to feel right and be validated. But this need to be right impedes, our ability to heal and move on.

Resentment often comes when we hold on to the wrongs and keep replaying it over and over in our minds. This lets it fester and become toxic. In order to move forward, you have to let go of the destructive thoughts.

To let go, understand that it happened in the past and that the only reason it is hurting now is because of how your are choosing to think about it that way in the present. You can choose to think differently.

Also understand that people make mistakes. We are all human and we all deserve compassion for being human. You can’t control what others do, but you can control how you choose to think and feel about what they have done.

Letting go of the resentment allow you to heal, which is the healthiest thing for YOU and your marriage. You can do this by changing your thoughts about what has happened.

When you sit down and discuss your resentment with your spouse, you should come up with ways to solve the problem, or change the behavior. Or better yet, change the way you are choosing to think about it.

Resentment is one thing that I have personally really struggled with. Not necessarily in my marriage, but in my family. I am the oldest child and I tend to be a people pleaser in that role. I’m not really like that in other areas of my life, but I am in my family. In the past I have kept my mouth shut in order to keep the peace and then I’m resentful later on.

Let me give you an example - So when Kevin and I were getting sealed in the temple, I really wanted to get sealed on our 1-year anniversary. My sister lives in another state and she basically said, that date didn’t work for her and if I wanted her there then it needed to be on such and such date. Well for years I resented her that she wouldn’t change her plans and be her on the date that I wanted for my special day. I held onto that resentment for so long. But, as I’ve worked through a lot of my resentment issues in coaching, I’ve changed the way I think about it. Yes, she did say that, and I wish that she would have realized how important it was to me, but ultimately I made the decision to change the date because I wanted her there. I took responsibility for my thoughts and feelings instead of blaming it on her. Now the resentment is gone and I no longer have bad feelings towards her because of it.

Now getting back to discussing resentment in marriage, it’s important that while you are dealing with the resentment, don’t shut each other out. You may still be hurt, but if you don’t connect in other ways (emotionally and physically) the resentment will continue to build. But being purposeful in connecting with each other, even if you are still working through issues, really helps you build a better connection and rebuild the relationship.

4.Moving Forward

Things that lead to resentment are usually small things that can be dealt with easily. Once you have dealt with past resentment, don’t let it happen again. Share your problems, hurts, concerns with each other. This allows you to deal with it while it is small and before it grows and festers.

Make sure that your marriage is a priority. Spend time together, even when life gets hectic with kids and careers. Take a few minutes each day talking to one another and connecting.

And moving forward, figure out the things that cause you to start feeling resentment. Once identified, you can acknowledge your thoughts and feelings more easily and let them go.

There are three issues I hear the most from my clients that cause resentment in their marriages

Not getting enough help from their spouse. They feel overwhelmed with everything they have on their plate and need more help. To resolve this, ASK FOR HELP! Do not expect that your spouse knows exactly what you need and can read your mind. Be specific. Talk about it. Communicate your wants and needs. Remember that marriage is often a negotiation, so you need to make sure you are voicing your wants and needs and taking into consideration your spouses wants and needs and finding a balance and a compromise that works for both of you.
Feeling that their spouse spends time doing things for themself instead of being with the family. I hear this a lot with husbands playing video games or watching sports. You need to voice your concerns but also understand that sometimes your spouse needs their “me” time just like you do, but it may look different than yours. So again, communicate and negotiate.
Sex. They resent that their husbands want sex all the time when they don’t feel like it. I hear them saying that they interpret everything through this lens of their spouse wanting sex all the time. And they just aren’t in the mood or they are tired and touched out. So if this is you, I would recommend you listen to last week’s episode of how thoughts like that are killing your sex drive. And I would really encourage you to reframe how you are looking at sex. You are looking at it as a way to satisfy your husband and constantly meet their needs. What if it was a way of meeting your needs? What if it was about you and not him? If it’s about you then you won’t resent him for wanting to be with you. Just another way of looking at it. Again, communicate and negotiate.

If you are struggling with resentment and want more help, sign up for a mini-session and let’s work through it together!

Episode 34 - Cultivating Connection & Desire Dec 14, 2018

So many women think they don’t want to have sex because they are tired or “touched out” at the end of the day. What was once a vital and important part of the marriage has taken a back seat to life and child rearing. In this episode, we examine how the thoughts you are telling yourself are killing your sex drive…and how you can get it back!

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3in30 Podcast with Dr. Finlayson-Fife Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

Instagram: @3in30podcast @finlaysonfife

Show Summary

This episode I am piggybacking off of a post I did last week in my Instastories. Last week, my friend Rachel at the 3in30podcast did a great interview with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife who is an LDS sex therapist. It was titled “What happened to my sex drive and how can I get it back” I highly recommend you go listen to it.

In preparation to the interview, Rachel asked a question on her Insta-stories about why women didn’t have a sex drive and she posted a lot of the answers and it seriously made me so sad. Pages and pages and pages of women with no sex drive. Responses varied, but the most common ones were being tired, being touched out, and body image. Almost every single one of the responses is a mindset issue. Rachel was kind enough to point her followers my way, because coaching can be so powerful is this area. I’ve received an overwhelming amount of DM’s and also people requesting a free min-session to discuss this issue. So I decided I wanted to address it specifically on a podcast.

I hear a lot from clients that they want to feel more connected to their spouse. They want to feel desire for them and feel like they are desired by them. So connection and desire are both feelings. And feelings are just a vibration created by a chemical or hormone in the body. So I want you to identify for yourself what connection and desire feel like to you. What do those feelings feel like in your body. Where is it located? Does it stay still or does it move? Fast or slow? What is the texture? What is the color? Really get familiar with what those feelings feel like to you. When I am feeling that connection and desire for my husband, there is a quickening in my gut…butterflies. And then it’s like this ray of yellow sunshine that pulses out and fills my whole body. So figure out what that feels like to you.

I think many times as women we think that in order to feel connected or desire we need something FROM our spouse. We are expecting them to create that feeling for us. But this, my friends, is the source of the problem. Expecting those feelings to come from outside of us instead of creating them within us.

We’ve talked about in many previous episodes that all of our feelings are created by thoughts. All of them. Whether they are conscious or unconscious thoughts. And if that’s the case, it is our OWN thoughts that make us feel connected to our spouse and feel desire for them (or feel like we are desired by them.) It has nothing to do with the situation or the person. It’s all about our own brain.

Connection

What does feeling connected to another person mean to you? You feel love and desire for them and from them? You want to be around them? You want to feel like you matter to them? You relate to them and have things in common? Maybe you like to do things together or you like having conversations with them.

So if these are the things that make you feel connected to them, and you aren’t feeling it, what is getting in the way? Your thoughts! All of these things make you THINK thoughts that create the feeling of connection. Your brain is giving meaning to what your spouse does or does not do that create those feelings in you.

For example - Let’s say your husband comes home from work, kisses you on the cheek, asks about your day, and asks what for dinner. Now depending on YOUR thoughts, you can take what he is saying and doing a variety of ways.

You could think, oh how cute, he loves me, and you feel love for him and connected to him OR you could think
Seriously…he’s trying to butter me up for later and all he wants is a maid who cooks for him. Ugh!

It all depends on YOUR thoughts if you feel connected to him or not. It really has NOTHING to do with him.

Feeling connected to someone is all about our thoughts about them. And you don’t even have to be WITH them to feel connected to them. Think about a loved one who has passed on or maybe when you’ve connected with someone by email or letters or texts. This year as I was getting out my Nativity set for Christmas, I felt very connected to my Grandma who passed away earlier this year. She had given me my Nativity piece by piece every year for Christmas. And as I got it out this year, it made me think about her and my relationship with her and I felt very connected to her. Because of my thoughts.

Desire

Now desire is also created by our thoughts. Especially for women, so much of our desire and arousal for intimacy and sex with our spouses comes from our minds. And we are often times putting on the brakes for that desire without even realizing it.

In my coaching practice I often hear women who just don’t find their husbands attractive anymore or they get on their nerves or irritated by something they do. Some women could care less if they ever sex with their spouse again and others realize that there is a vital piece missing and they just don’t know where to look for answers.

And the answer to ALL OF THESE is in your mindset….the way you think.

Often times when we’ve been married for a while and especially after having children, we think that something must be wrong with our accelerator. That something has changed physically within us so that we are no longer able to be aroused like we used to. And sometimes, that may be the case. I do recommend that you check with your doctor to make sure that nothing is physically going on with you. But, most likely what is happening instead is that we are actually putting on the brakes by the thoughts we are having (either consciously or unconsciously).

I want you to consider what it felt like when you were dating. How did you feel about your spouse? Did you find them attractive? Did things that they did and said drive that desire in you? You were CREATING thoughts in your brain that made you feel those things. Those same thoughts (or different thoughts) are available to you now too…you just have to choose to think them.

What thoughts are you currently thinking that are putting on the brakes for you?

So I want you to think about what thoughts you are currently thinking that are putting on the brakes for you. Maybe it’s “I’m just so tired” or “Sex just isn’t a priority” or “I find that annoying” or “I’m just so touched out after kids hanging on me all day.” or Thoughts about your husband “He’s annoying” “I’m not attracted to him” etc. Thoughts like those are KILLING your desire.

Another issue I hear a lot from my clients is that they don’t want sex or don’t like sex because they can’t orgasm.

Just a little side note: Only 30% of women orgasm with intercourse…. so chances are, that is you and you just need to try something different. And you need to get your mind in clear space thinking thoughts that BRING arousal and not slow it down. That’s the bring worry, stress, “I don’t think it’s going to happen” or “this is taking too long” totally KILL your arousal which almost always stop you from having an orgasm.

So, thoughts about not being able to orgasm or not being interested in sex or not being interested in your husband definitely don’t help your sex drive.

If we put this in a model

C = Sex with my husband

T = I’m just not interested

F = uninterested, disengaged

A = Disinterested, Tell him I’m not in the mood

R = no sex life, and continue to be uninterested in sex

Do you see how that thought creates more distance in your marriage? It’s not creating that connection and desire you want.

What if you changed your mindset…what if you changed your thoughts to something like “I’m a wife who likes sex” or “I want to create that connection with my husband” or a thought I heard from Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife was “I’ve taken care of everyone else all day, now it’s time for me to be taken care of.”

Especially in the LDS culture, so much of our framework around sex is that it is a woman’s job to meet the man’s needs. And that is just wrong. Sex and intimacy has more to do about your about yourself, rather than giving someone else pleasure. It’s about coming together each as a whole person and sharing your whole self with another person. It shouldn’t be about taking…it should be about both giving and receiving.

If you are having trouble with this, we can definitely talk more about it in coaching with what is specifically going on with you, but I would also highly recommend Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s online classes. They are on sale for Christmas right now and what a great Christmas gift you could give yourself and your spouse. I will link to them in the show notes.

Body Image

Another topic that seems to kill women’s sex drive, is our own body image. Those subtle messages that we give ourselves about our bodies KILLS that desire within us. If we have those thoughts running around our head of course we aren’t going to feel desired. We need to send ourselves body-positive messages. Of course we all have things that may be sag or droop more than they used, or aren’t as tight as they used to be. THIS IS NORMAL! But dwelling on those things does nothing to help you create a desire and connection with yourself that you can share with your spouse.

Managing Your Own Needs

I talk a lot about meeting your own needs within your relationship. That your spouse is NOT there to meet your needs, they are just there for you to love. I do believe that Sex and Intimacy are an area where you also need to meet your own needs in whatever way that feels appropriate to you. Maybe that is speaking up for what you want. Maybe that means you need to initiate more. Or maybe that just means managing your own urges and desires. But meet your own needs in a way that you feel is appropriate.

Conclusion

So my friends, to summarize, I want you to really think about those thoughts that are going on in your head. Thoughts that you didn’t even realize were putting on your brakes. I want you to just gain an awareness around them. Really look at them and realize that they are OPTIONAL. And while your brain may continue to offer them to you, you can engage your higher brain, your pre-frontal cortex and CHOOSE different thoughts that are going to serve you and serve your marriage better.

And as always, if you want some help, I am here. Just sign up for a free mini-session. No strings attached. And let’s get your sex drive back!

Now…I want to give you a bit of homework.

Homework

Write down how it feels to you to feel connected and feel desire. Where is it in your body? Describe it in depth. And what does feeling that create? How are you showing up in your marriage when you cultivate the connectedness and desire within yourself? What thoughts do you need to think to create that for you? And then try it! And see what changes. See how you show up different to your spouse. What results are you getting? And, I want to hear all about it!

Episode 33 - Why Happiness is NOT the Goal Dec 07, 2018

Most people think that happiness is the goal. It’s what they want for themselves. It’s what they want for the children. It’s what they want for relationships. In this episode, you’ll learn why that goal is actually not making you happy at all.

Episode 32 - How to Get Everything You Want For Christmas Nov 30, 2018

In this episode we talk about how to get everything you want for Christmas. It’s probably NOT what you think….

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Episode 31 - Gratitude Nov 23, 2018

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am sharing with you how important the emotion of gratitude is in your life and mine.

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Episode 30 - Emotionally Focused Communication with Tony Overbay Nov 16, 2018

In the final installment of my series on improving communication in our marriage, I have Tony Overbay, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and host of the wildly popular podcast, The Virtual Couch.

I asked Tony to share with us how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a modality he uses in couples counseling, can help us improve the communication with our partner. He gives us some practical tips of what we can do together, what we can do on our own, and when its time to seek additional help.

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You can find more information from Tony here: TonyOverbay.com Instagram: @thevirtualcouch Facebook: @tonyoverbaylmft Podcast: The Virtual Couch

Episode 29 - How to Fight Fair in your Marriage Nov 09, 2018

All couples have disagreements, but the ones who learn to solve their problems by fighting differently and fair are the ones who tend to stick together. In this episode I share 5 steps to fighting fair with your spouse.

Episode 28 - The Marriage Inventory with Celeste Davis Nov 02, 2018

Continuing our topic from last week on communication, Celeste Davis, from MarriageLaboratory.com, joins me in discussing different experiments she and her husband have conducted in their marriage to improve communication. She also discusses a practice they call their Marriage Inventory, a weekly check-in that helps them communicate better and increase the connectivity in their relationship.

Show Notes:

The Work of Byron Katie

You can find Celeste Davis here: MarriageLaboratory Facebook Instagram Podcast

Episode 27 - Empathetic Listening Oct 26, 2018

One of the keys to communication in marriage, is communicating well during a conflict. Conflict is inevitable in any marriage. Learning how to resolve those conflicts is key to sustaining that marriage. The most popular approach to resolving conflicts, advocated by many marriage therapists is empathetic listening. On today’s podcast we will discuss 14 ways to to learn how to listen to your partner empathetically. This is not a skill that comes easy. It takes sincere effort and practice. But it is definitely possible and if you apply the skill, it can go a long way in helping the communication skills in your marriage.

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Episode 26 - The Compound Effect In Marriage Oct 19, 2018

“By Small and simple things are great things brought to pass.” The little things we do to build and strengthen our marriage add up. They compound. What small choices are you making daily that contribute the demise or the strengthening of your marriage?

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Episode 25 - What Is The Story You Are Telling Yourself? Oct 12, 2018

When something negative happens, our brains automatically make up a story to protect us. What are the stories that you tell yourself to protect yourself from feeling negative emotions? What stories disengage you from your spouse or make them into a villain? While this is a great way to protect ourselves, it takes us further away from creating the emotional intimacy and connection that we all crave in our relationships. So what stories are you telling yourself?

Episode 24 - Are We Really Meant To Be Oct 05, 2018

Have you ever thought “Did I marry the wrong person?” or “Are we really meant to be?” Just about every married person I know has had those thoughts. But in this episode, we talk about why those thoughts aren’t serving you and your marriage.

Episode 23 - Stop "Shoulding" Others & Yourself Sep 28, 2018

The word SHOULD indicates an expectation, an obligation, a duty, and is typically used when criticizing someone. And usually when we “should” on others we have an expectation that they be LIKE US. And not only do we think they should be, think, or do like us, we expect them to be the perfect version of us. We have a personal set of rules of how people should conduct their lives. And when they don’t, it totally sets us up for anger, negativity, and disappointment. Talk about a set up for failure! Right?

But when we drop the “shoulds” or the expectations we have of people, and just LOVE them we are able to create much better results in our lives, better relationships, and better marriages.

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Spiritually Minded Mom - Episode 25: Mothering a Child with Mental Illness

Episode 22 - Compassion & Miracles Sep 21, 2018

In several scriptures in the New Testament it says that the Savior was “Moved with Compassion” and then a miracle followed. When we have compassion for ourselves and compassion for our spouse and others, what kind of miracles will we see in our own life and around us?

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In several scriptures in the New Testament it says that the Savior was “Moved with Compassion” The dictionary says:

Moved means: to prompt or rouse to the doing of something AND

Compassion means: a sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

So When it says the Savior was “Moved with Compassion” because he was a Sympathetic person He was Prompted or Roused with to do something to alleviate the distress of someone.

And then if you keep reading in the scriptures when He’s moved to compassion some sort of miracle followed…

So compassion for someone brought about a miracle…

I talk to my clients a lot about acting from emotions that produce their best self. I feel like LOVE is one of the best emotions we can act from to produce our best life. Love for ourselves and love for others. That is why I called this podcast Live from Love. So we can LIVE and ACT from our Best Self and LOVE produces that result.

But often when a situation or circumstance happens to us or around us, we think thoughts that don’t prompt love, but prompt other emotions that don’t show our best selves.

Anger, Irritability, Sadness, Jealousy, Frustration…. these kinds of emotions don’t MOVE us to act with LOVE and Compassion. They often MOVE us to act in ways that are not our best.

So When my clients have thoughts that produce these emotions and they are not acting as their best selves, I talk to my them about

Having Compassion for themselves
Having Compassion for others, which eventually brings LOVE, even when its hard.

Having Compassion for Ourselves

We are human. It is part of our journey here on earth to make mistakes. In fact, that was an essential part of the plan. Our Heavenly Father knew this. He knew we would make mistakes. He counted on it. That is why He gave us a Savior and the Atonement.

So why do we beat ourselves up so much when we make mistakes? When we don’t handle things exactly as we should? When we aren’t our best selves?

Our Heavenly Father loves us so much. He VALUES us so much.

It says in The Book of Moses that his entire purpose is to bring us back to Him because he values our imperfect selves SO MUCH “This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man”

Who are we to say otherwise? That we are not of value? That we are not worthy of love? That who we are, who He created us to be, is not enough? That mistakes He knew we would make make before we even came to earth would make us unworthy to be loved by Him and others?

It’s just NOT true. It’s a lie we tell ourselves. It’s a lie that Satan wants us to believe.

So I coach my clients a lot on loving themselves and having COMPASSION for themselves FIRST. Having compassion for the mistakes that they make. Having compassion for our natural human inadequacies. Having compassion for the thoughts our brain automatically thinks. We were created in our Heavenly Father’s image. He has compassion for us. He embodies compassion. So should we. For ourselves and others. Compassion is our deepest nature.

Our brain

I want you to think about when you put on a pair of pants. Now when you were little, your mom probably had to teach you that you make sure you are putting them on the right way, that the tag goes in the back. And then you put one leg in and then the other, and then you pull them up and do up the button and the zipper. And when you were little you had to think about each little step. But as you learned how and did it over and over, it became automatic. I bet you don’t even think about it anymore. You just put on your pants. That’s because that was designated to the lower brain. It’s a habit. It doesn’t need much thought.

Our brains are often on autopilot. The lower brain - the one that gives us all these thoughts to protect us is really good at being on autopilot. That’s its job. When we form habits and we don’t really have to think about things much anymore, like putting on pants, those things get designated to the lower brain,

That’s what our lower brain is really good for. When we leave it unsupervised, it’s default is to keep doing what its used to doing and to keep us alive. To protect us. Protect us physically and emotionally. It’s watching out for tigers and mean girls.

So when something happens that it thinks is a threat - it starts sending us all sorts of thoughts to help keep us safe. That’s its job. That’s what it is supposed to do.

But those thoughts are not always helpful. So that is why I tell my clients that they need to be compassionate with themselves when they start to notice these thoughts that aren’t helpful.

Remember that its just our brain trying to protect us and we need to engage our higher brain and have a sympathetic consciousness of the lower brains distress and try to alleviate it. We have COMPASSION for our lower brain doing its job trying to protect us.

We need to have COMPASSION for us being who our Heavenly Father created us to be - a human who makes mistakes.

Developing COMPASSION and eventually LOVE for others.

Sometimes that is hard to do. Especially when that person has done something to hurt us or someone we love.

So let’s take it to the extreme first. Because when I work with clients on the concept of unconditional love I often get push back about the extremes. How can I think thoughts that make me FEEL love for rapists and murderers?

So say that someone murdered your neighbors child. Your lower brain - wanting to protect you - tells you to think thoughts of HATE for this person. WE can not LIKE him. We definitely can not LOVE him. No way. No how. Your lower brain doesn’t want you to think loving or compassionate thoughts for this person because its trying to keep you alive.

But I want you to engage your higher brain. I want you to get curious about what this person must have been through in his life to make him think that murdering someone was an ok thing to do? Someone probably severely abused him. He was not taught right from wrong. He wasn’t taught that he had any value on this earth. He was in such emotional pain that he thought murdering someone was the right choice.

Isn’t that sad? Isn’t it so sad that someone could do that to another human being? That they could be in such emotional pain that they would make such a horrible choice. My heart goes out to that person. And while I know what he did was wrong, I can have COMPASSION for him and LOVE him for everything he has been through to bring him to this point.

When I am trying to have compassion for the other person, I try to see them as the Savior would see them. Would He see them as some evil individual who is not worthy of any sort of compassion or love? No! He would see them as His brother and someone who is damaged and hurting and needs LOVE and COMPASSION in the worst way.

Compassion and LOVE does NOT excuse the behavior. It does NOT mean that there shouldn’t be consequences for behavior. It doesn’t mean you need to spend time with or be around that person. It just means that you are trying to understand where that person is coming from and loving them for who they are (a valuable child of God) and not for what they have done or not done in this imperfect human existence.

How can we have more compassion in our marriages?

Can we see the other person for who they really are? What their human struggles are? Can we get curious as to why they behave the way they do instead of judging them for it?

Let me give you an example -

I have a client who’s husband often says unkind things to her and tries to control everything she does. Her first thought is “He shouldn’t do that” and she often questions her own value and self-worth because of the things he says to her. She says she is having a hard time loving him.

So I asked her to get curious about why he says those things. Could they be true? What would prompt him to say unkind things to her? We talked about how it is NEVER ok for someone to mistreat you and it’s important to set boundaries when that happens. But we try to be curious about WHY and have COMPASSION for that person and the challenges they face in their own mind.

Eventually, after setting boundaries, and not letting herself be mistreated, she asked him about it. He had been abandoned by his mother and was afraid of losing her (like he lost his mom). So he was trying to control everything she did so that he wouldn’t lose her. But in the process, he was driving her away.

When she understood WHY, she felt compassion for him. She was able to let him know that it wasn’t ok what he was doing. That controlling her was actually making her want NOT be with him. But she wanted to stay married to him. So if he would be kind and loving, they could build a loving and lasting marriage.

That marriage could have ended. She could have left because of the way he was treating her. But she hasn’t left him. The marriage is still a work in progress, but it is still there. She is loving him and having compassion for who he is and what he has been through instead of just being judgmental about his judgements and hurt by them. I think that’s a miracle.

When we are moved to compassion we transcend ourselves to the level of someone else and help raise them to a better place. And when we do that, miracles can happen.

I love this quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

“Great marriages are built brick by brick, day after day over a lifetime….If you keep adding pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow. If it appears to take forever, remember, happy marriage are meant to last forever.”

Isn’t that’s great?

How to have compassion in our marriages

So besides getting curious about why our spouse (or others) are the way they are, having compassion for that, and loving them despite their imperfections. I wanted to share with you a few more ideas on how you can be more compassionate in your marriage.

Let go of expectations - we’ve talked about this one a lot in past episodes. Letting go of expectations and just loving our spouse for who they are is VERY compassionate.
Stop asking “What’s Wrong” and instead as “What day you need form me in this moment” Crappy days happen for everyone - understand that they can happen for your spouse too and its ok for them to be in a bad mood sometimes.
Ask your partner what compassion means for them. It might mean something completely different than it does to you.
Be there for them physically and emotionally. You don’t even have to say a word - a kind touch and a listening ear can often be all that they need.
Admit that you might be wrong. Your way isn’t always best.
Be truthful. Honesty equals compassion. Even when its hard.
Examine your motives. Are you being compassionate out of expectations of return or because you truly care?
Draw the line. Compassion doesn’t mean over giving or co-dependency. Compassion simply allows you to care without losing yourself.
Take care of yourself too - being compassionate with others doesn’t mean "putting your needs aside.

This week I want you to think about when your spouse has shown compassion for you. How has that helped raise you up? How has that helped your relationship? How can you do that for them? How can you create more miracles in your life and the lives around you by showing compassion to yourself and your spouse?

Episode 21 - How To Stop Feeling Overwhelmed Sep 14, 2018

Do you often feel overwhelmed with life and everything you have going on? In this episode we discuss what is really the cause of you feeling overwhelmed and how you can overcome it so that you can be more confident, organized in your daily life, productive, and feel better.

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I hear a lot of women today talk about how overwhelmed they are with their life. And believe me, I’ve been there too. We are overwhelmed by our homes, our jobs, our kids activities, our church callings. Everything is just so overwhelming.

So if we think about the The Model that I taught in Episode 17 The FEELING of overwhelm would go in the F line. And as we know, our feelings are caused by our thoughts. Now, lets think about what kind of THOUGHTS bring on the FEELINGS of overwhelm.

Thoughts like “I don’t have enough time” “There is too much to do” “I can’t get it all done” “I’m not capable of all this” are usually some of the thoughts that bring up the feeling of OVERWHELM

And when we are overwhelmed, what do we do? What is the A line (the action line) of our model? I would say for most people the feeling of OVERWHELM brings INACTION. When we feel overwhelmed, we don’t do anything or we do something to AVOID doing what actually needs to get done (like watch netflix or scroll Instagram) am I right???

And when we do this, what is our R line in the model? Our result? We don’t get anything done and now we have LESS time because we sat around and drank our diet coke while scrolling instagram for way too long!

Do you see how thinking those thoughts actually made things worse?

I like to say that OVERWHELM is an indulgent thought. Now think about what indulgent means. Mr. Webster defines indulge as “taking unrestrained pleasure in, to yield to the desire of, or to treat with excessive leniency, generosity, or consideration”

So in being “overwhelmed” we are taking an unrestrained pleasure in, yielding to the desire of, and treating with excessive leniency the thoughts that we entertain so that we don’t actually have to do what needs to be done.

So how do we not feel overwhelmed?

I know, as wives and mothers we have so much on our plates. Sometimes it is more than we can physically do. But that is where taking control of our thinking comes into play.

I want you to think back to Podcast 18 on Setting Goals. We talked about having 6 areas of our life (mental, physical, social, spiritual, family, and work) and having a VALUE statement for each area, and then making long term goals, short term goals, and breaking it down to daily tasks. Doing this gives us a way to prioritize what is truly important in our lives. This also makes things more ORGANIZED in our mind.

When we know what we value, we can more easily organize our time and our tasks by what is truly important.

If our mind isn’t organized, we will never be able to organize our lives.

We have to get things straight in our brain first. Internal organization creates external organization.

Now one thing you may not know about me, is that I LOVE to organize. Organization is something that comes really easy to me and its something that I love to do and I’m really good at.

So when I am organizing a drawer or a closet or a room, I first take everything out, sort through things, get rid of all the unwanted and unneeded items, and then put things back in an orderly fashion by categories. Everything has a home.

The same is true with our minds. You need to examine your thoughts. Sort through them. (memories, subconscious thoughts, judgements, negative self-talk, positive self-talk, plans, gratitude, etc.) Get rid of the unwanted and unneeded thoughts, and decide what you want to keep. Is there any new thoughts you want to add in there? Make sure its something you really want and have a place for.

When I am at the store, say Target, there are ALWAYS a ton of cute home decor items I really want to buy. I could easily go and spend a few hundred dollars buying cute things for my house and then get home and have NO WHERE to put them. So when I do purchase something, I am very deliberate about it. I think through and decide beforehand exactly where its going to go, and possibly what I am going to get rid of so that there is room for this in my life.

The same goes with my thoughts. I am deliberate about what I am choosing to think. Each thought is chosen for a reason that will get me closer to my goals and aligns with my values.

So bringing this back to OVERWHELM - I am going to purposely choose thoughts about my life and about my tasks at hand that don’t bring me into overwhelm. I don’t want room for those kinds of thoughts in my brain. I want to deliberately choose thoughts that will make me feel confident, empowered, and able to take on whatever life throws at me.

So when you have a lot on your plate and your thoughts naturally go to “This is too much” or “I can’t handle this” I want you to just notice what your brain is doing. It’s doing its job. It’s trying to protect you. Thank you brain. But then deliberately choose to think different thoughts.

Now some thoughts you might want to try on when those overwhelming thoughts creep in are

“I can totally handle this”

“I have exactly the amount of time I need to get things done”

“I am capable and I’ve got this”

These thoughts make me feel confident and able and then my mind is clear and I am able to find solutions and get things done. Sometimes that means reprioritizing tasks for another day, finding someone to help me, or being compassionate with myself that I am doing the best I can and if I don’t get everything done, that is OK!

So yesterday was a day that I was running from one thing to the next. I had to get the kids off to school, then I had coaching sessions with my clients, I recorded an interview for another podcast, my daughter had a doctors appointment, I had a coaching call with my coach, my son had a music lesson, I needed to go to the grocery store and fix dinner, and then another daughter had a double-header for softball. I could have chosen to be overwhelmed with everything, but instead I chose to believe I could get everything done, no problem. Well guess what, by the time I got home from the grocery store to fix dinner it was almost time to leave for softball. The dinner I had planned was scratched, we threw something else together, and were on our merry way. It was a great day, even though it was so busy. And I could have been so overwhelmed and really not done a whole lot if I had chosen to indulge in that emotion. But I organized my mind, organized my day, chose empowering thoughts, and it all worked out, even if dinner didn’t go exactly as planned.

So relating this to marriage. We often blame a lot of our overwhelm on our spouses for not doing their fair share. We expect them to know what our needs our, to pick up some of the slack, and when they don’t, we are hurt and use it as evidence that they don’t love us or they don’t care about us, because if they did they would see what we need and do it.

I want to encourage you to DROP the expectations. Absolutely communicate your requests to your spouse, but do NOT make them not doing something mean ANYTHING about you.

“Honey, I am running late, would you please start dinner”

“I have a lot going on today, could you run Johnny to soccer practice this evening”

But you can NOT expect them to see your needs and do it if you do not COMMUNICATE with them. And even if you do communicate with them and they don’t do it or they can’t do it, it’s still not about YOU. It’s about them. Maybe they aren’t doing a good job communicating what is on THEIR plate. Maybe they are feeling overwhelmed with all of their own responsibilities. Be understanding that each person is doing THEIR best in that moment, even if their best isn’t great. We are all human, and we all need a little compassion and understanding.

Episode 20 - Quit Blaming Others For How You Feel Sep 07, 2018

Part of being an emotional adult is taking responsibility for our own emotions. Even in our marriage. It is not our partners responsibility for making us feel loved, secure, and happy. We have to do that for ourselves. Listen in to find out how…

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So today we are going to talk about how to quit blaming others for how you feel. So in the world of life coaching we call this emotional childhood vs. emotional adulthood.

As children, most of us were taught that we can make others feel a certain way. We’ve probably inadvertently taught that to our children as well

“Don’t do that or Mommy will be sad”

“We need to share so that Sally’s feelings won’t be hurt”

“You need to invite Johnny to your party so that he doesn’t feel left out”

So all of these little things taught us (and we in turn teach our children) that we have control over how someone else feels by what we say or how we act.

So if we have power over someone else’s emotions, people can have power over ours as well, right?

We believed that whatever is happening in our lives in the cause of our pain rather than being aware of the thoughts that we are thinking that are creating these emotions in us.

But if you remember in our model (which I teach in Episode 17) our thoughts come from our circumstances, and that is what gives us our emotions.

But, as children we were not taught this or taught how to understand our own emotions or how to deal with them.

So even as adults we react to our emotions, act out, or avoid emotions, rather that taking full responsibility for them and choosing thoughts that will create the emotions we want to experience.

Essentially as adults we are still functioning as emotional children. This is what we call Emotional Childhood.

So much of what we have learned in this life is how to avoid pain. We use things to “buffer” away our feelings - food, shopping, pornography, sex, netflix, social media, exercise, work, etc.

The only way to achieve emotional maturity or Emotional Adulthood is through self-responsibility.

So what does that mean? What does Emotional Adulthood entail?

We take control of our own thoughts and don’t blame other people for our emotions or the results we are getting in our life.
Take responsibility for our own pain and also for our own joy
Not expect others to make us happy
Not expecting others to make us feel secure.
Appreciating that we are the only ones who can hurt our feelings, and that we can do that with our own thoughts.

And we need to do this at all times!

No wonder it feels like such hard work to begin thinking about our own thinking and realize that we can actually choose how went to feel, no matter what other people do or say.

This is awesome news, because this means we have power over our own lives. When we blame someone else for how we are feeling, we are handing our power over to another person. Handing over that power makes us dependent on that person for how we feel…a dependent is otherwise known as a child. But when we understand that we are in charge of how we feel because of our thoughts, we get to take all that power back.

So let me give you an example -

I have a client who has quite a temper. When he gets stressed out at work, he likes to blame everyone else for his frustration and anger. He does NOT like to take responsibility for it. It’s always someone else’s fault that he is angry. This is so disempowering! He’s handing over control of his emotions to someone else. But really, his emotions are coming from his thoughts about what is happening at work. And if he would take responsibility for those thoughts, realize that he gets to control his thoughts and therefore how he feels about what is happening, then he gets all of his power back. Now, he may still choose to be angry about the situation, but understanding that the anger is coming from his thoughts and not blaming the other person, he is still acting like an Emotional Adult.

So when applying this to marriage - we are often looking to our spouse to make us feel loved, secure, sexy, and happy. But as we know, how we feel comes from our thoughts. And no one can make us THINK certain things, all of our thoughts are a choice. So if we want to think thoughts about being loved, secure, sexy, and happy, then we have to choose to purposely think those thoughts and that is what will make us feel that way.

But because we tend to think that our partner can make us feel these things, this is why traditional therapy often doesn’t work. You sit down in a room with your spouse and the therapist says “ok tell your spouse your needs in this marriage and vice versa, and then the spouse is supposed to do what they can to meet your needs to make you happy. But it never does, because they never can. You are the only one who can meet your needs. You are the only one who can choose your thoughts to make you feel how you want to feel. Your spouse, even if they are trying, will never be able to meet your needs. They may make it EASIER for you to think thoughts that make you feel loved, and secure, and happy. But you are the ONLY one that can think the thoughts to make you feel that way.

A couple sits down in marriage counseling and the the therapist says

“Ok - wife, I want you to list all the things that make you feel loved and secure in this marriage”

I need you to tell me you love me every day
I need you to bring me flowers
I need you to tell my I am beautiful
I need you to come home from work and help me with the kids
etc.

If you do all that you will make me feel loved and secure. And the husband says…”ok..I can do that”

- And he tells hers “I love you” every day

Now she can choose to think

“Oh, he does love me” and she feels loved

or she could think “well he’s only telling me he loves me because I told him to” and then she doesn’t feel love - she feels resentment and anger

See how her choice of what she thinks impact how she feels even if he does the exact same things???

So if everyone is responsible for how they feel, does that mean we can say or do whatever we want? Are we responsible for how we treat our spouse and others? Ultimately how they feel is on them, right?

Even though you aren’t responsible for someone else’s feelings, you are still responsible for how you behave. It’s up to you to decide how you want to show up in the world.

Being an emotional adult is hard. It definitely takes more work and more effort. But it really is worth it.

Taking the step to manage ourselves and our minds so we aren’t dependent on other people for how we feel is awesome! Because that is how we can truly be happy.

Episode 19 - Friendship Aug 31, 2018

What is friendship? A relationship we have with anyone is ONLY about what we think about that person. The relationship only exists in our minds. We can create friendship and connection with people just by what we choose to think about them.

In this episode I give 10 tips on how to be a good friend. Because we all know the best way to have good friends, is to be a good friend.

Episode 18 - Setting Goals Aug 24, 2018

What do you value? What is the culture of your family? By clearly defining your values and setting goals based on those values, you will be able to align your life and achieve the things you want most. This episode clearly outlines the way I set goals for myself and my family to reach our dreams. You can too!

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I grew up in a goal oriented family. When I was young, my mom worked part time for Franklin Day Planners. My parents were also big fans of Stephen Covey. Franklin merged with Covey, and then it was Franklin Covey that my mom worked for. I think i got my first Franklin Day Planner when I was about 10.

My parents taught me about how the Franklin Covey day planner worked. You first determined what your values were, then you set long term goals based around those values. You broke the long term goals down in to short term goals, and the short term goals got broken down into daily tasks. Each built upon each other to help you reach those long term goals that coincided with what you personally value.

My dad is also famous (well famous in our little world) for a talk he gives on The Wheel of Balance. He talks about a wheel made up of 6 different areas

Mental
Social
Physical
Spiritual
Family
Work

He talks about how each of these areas need balance in our lives. If one of them is missing or one is inflated more that the rest, the wheel won’t turn smoothly. We get stuck. So as a youth, I set my values and long term goals based around these 6 areas. And I still do today.

Because of these goals, I was able to achieve just about anything I set my mind to as a teenager.

For example - I value my testimony of Jesus Christ and His Gospel. Some of my long-term goals I set when I was a youth was to

Be worthy to enter the temple (for either marriage or before a mission)
To be married in the temple
Read cover to cover and gain a testimony of all 4 sets of scripture (Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, and Doctrine & Covenants)
Get my Young Women Medallion
Graduate from Seminary

Then I would break those down into short term goals.

So I would make a goal to read The Book of Mormon by a certain date

Then my daily task was to read so many chapters each day.

Those things fulfilled my “Spiritual” spoke on the wheel.

Other goals that I had that went along with my values were

Maintain a certain GPA
Go to Brigham Young University
Participate in Swim Team
Sing in the Choir
Save X amount for college
etc.

Now that I am adult, my goals are a little bit different than they were when I was teenager, but my values are still pretty much the same.

I wanted to pass on this same goal oriented life to my children, so In January we did a great family home evening where we set our Family Values and then set some goals in each area that we wanted to work on.

First we brainstormed a lot of different ideas, and then we voted and narrowed it down to 7 things.

We are service oriented
We are respectful
We are optimistic
We are learners
We are self-reliant
We are adventurous
We are Christ-centered

Under each of these 7 categories we listed a few things that we want to work on as a family.

Some of these things I think we already do well, (like grow a garden, and going to church each week) and some things are things we agreed we need to work on (like being willing to try new foods and take shorter showers).

I made a 24x36 poster on my computer and had it printed at my local UPS store for about $4 and we hang it on the door between our kitchen and garage so that it is a constant reminder.

(see below)

This is a great exercise to do with your kids and figure what your family values and what goals you have and to figure out the culture of your family.

A few weeks ago on the 3in30 podcast, Host Rachel Nielsen interviewed Chamaine Wollenzien of Wandering Families for Episode 40. Chamaine said that the culture of her family is “We are a hiking family.” Rachel posed the question “What is your family culture” out to her audience on social media with a great response. People responded “We are a reading family” “We are a snuggling family” “We are movie watching family”

When I have thought about that question, I have really struggled with it. Because we are a blended family, I feel like I have one culture when its just me and my kids and I have a different culture when I’m with my husband and his kids. And when we are all together…I wasn’t really sure.

But then I was able to look back at this exercise we did as a family and I can say that the thing that really brings us together is that “We are a Christ-Centered Family” and that really brought me a lot of peace.

So now that it’s Back To School time again, now is a GREAT time to sit down by yourself or with your family and set some Values, Long Term Goals, Short Terms Goals, and maybe even break it down into daily tasks.

And Remember, Goals need to be S.M.A.R.T.

SMART is a great acronym for setting goals

S - Specific

M - Measurable

A - Attainable

R - Realistic

T - Time Bound

S - Specific, set goals that are specific. What is the outcome that you want? Does it reflect your values? What do you hope to achieve by setting this goal?

M - Measurable - how can you break it down. Can you evaluate the progress you are making?

A - Attainable, now this goes back to Podcast 15 and Redefining Success. You need to make goals that you actually have control over.

R - Realistic - if you make a goal to be able fly of your own accord, it’s probably not very realistic, so make sure they are goals that you can realistically achieve

T - Time Bound - set a time limit. Set an end.

Now, I think it is a GREAT idea to not only set some goals that are attainable, but some some goals that REALLY stretch you. That push your limits. Maybe that’s a goal to increase your families income by a LOT, or to lose a lot of weight. Something that is going to be tough.

But also remember that you don’t need to be perfect at this. And even if your time is up on your goal and you didn’t get all the way there, look back at the PROGRESS you’ve made and how much you were able to achieve by setting the goal, even if you didn’t make it all the way.

As human beings we were not meant to stay stagnant. We are meant to constantly be growing and learning. When we get stagnant in our lives, we feel uncomfortable. And while growth, from setting goals, can also be uncomfortable, that uncomfortability is worth it.

Sometimes, we are afraid to set goals and to stretch ourselves out of fear of failure. But don’t we automatically fail by not trying?

We will discuss failure more in depth on another episode, but for now I just want you to understand that it’s ok to fail if you are trying. You can just take that as evidence that what you tried didn’t work and you need to approach it another way. You don’t need to make it mean anything more than that. Make it mean something positive. Don’t make it mean something negative about you. But not trying it all is automatically failing and not quite achieving everything you wanted means you at least got part of the way there, and you learned and grew in the process and you just have more work to do.

Rachel Hollis has a great practice in that she writes down 10 big goals in a notebook like she has already achieved them. She writes them down (the same 10 big goals) every single day until she achieves them. And she says that by writing them down every single day like they are already done, and putting those great vibes out into the universe, they ALWAYS come true. By focusing on them every single day she is constantly working on them in subtle ways and her goals are always achieved.

Right now my friend Monica Packer from the podcast About Progress is running a 30-day wake up challenge. Her goal is to wake up by 6:30 every day so that she can be more productive in the day. She’s broken down that down to what she needs to do at night in order to wake up earlier in the morning, and then what she needs to do in the morning, to make things a little bit easier. She realizes that she may not be perfect at this, but like her podcast says, its not about perfection, it’s about progress!

So I’d like to challenge you this week to set a goal you want to work on and post it to social media. Tag me in the post and use the #livefromlovegoals

Then take the time to write those big goals down EVERY SINGLE DAY and let’s see if they come true!

Show Notes:

Wake Up Challenge: AboutProgress.com

Family Culture: 3in30podcast.com

Our family values & goals

My family sat down in January and decided what our family values are and things that we are already doing and can work on as a family. I created this poster and it hangs on the door between our kitchen and garage as a constant reminder.

Don't forget to get my 5 tips for improving your marriage! Get the Tips!

Episode 17 - How to Solve Any Problem Aug 17, 2018

When coaching my clients, they come to me with a variety of issues. Any problem can be classified into 1 of 5 categories

Circumstance
Thought
Feeling
Action
Result

Using a model developed by Brooke Castillo at the Life Coach School, I can help my clients get better results in their life no matter what the issue is.

Today’s episode will give you a very basic overview of The Model with some examples of how I have used it in my life and the lives of my clients.

I’ve also included a self-coaching worksheet here so that you can get a copy of it and work through some of your issues on your own. While it may seem simple, it can be harder than you think, which is why you need my help. Sign up for a free mini-session and we can work through a model together and I can help you see where you can make some small changes in your life that will give you BIG results!

Show Summary

Last week we talked about what life coaching is, and why I think everyone needs one. This week I wanted to share with you the Model I use with all of my clients in every single session I have with them. This model was developed by Brooke Castillo of the Life Coach School and it is really amazing. I’ve seen it work over and over in my life and in the lives of my clients. So let’s get to it….

So when I work with my clients I talk to them about the issues they are having. Every single issue can be broken down into one of 5 things

A Circumstance - Circumstances are things that happen in the world around us. Things we don’t control and can’t directly change. They are FACTS.
Thoughts - These are the sentences that constantly run through our minds. Sometimes we are aware of these thoughts, but many times we are not. We think thoughts based on the circumstances in our lives. We can’t change our circumstances, but we can change what we think about them.
Feelings - Feelings are the vibrations we experience in our bodies and they are directly tied to the thoughts that we think. They are different that sensations, like hunger and physical pain. Emotions are voluntary because we can change what we feel by what we are thinking.
Actions - These are the behaviors, reactions, and sometimes inaction that are directly related to our feelings. If we want different actions, we can choose different feelings.
Results - These are the effects of our actions. Choosing different actions will give us different results.

So….our THOUGHTS about our CIRCUMSTANCES cause our FEELINGS, which cause our ACTIONS and ultimately give us our RESULTS… by understanding that process we can make amazing changes in our lives by choosing to think different things.

So when a client comes to me and tells me the problem they are having, it ALWAYS falls into one of these 5 things and together I help them see how they can make changes by changing the way they are thinking.

Let me illustrate with a few examples…

First I will give you just a very basic example with TRAFFIC

C: Traffic

T: I hate traffic, it always makes me late, and I start off the day bad

F: Grumpy, frustrated

A: Not as productive

R: Bad day at work

C: Traffic

T: I will take advantage of this extra time I have in the car to listen to my new audiobook

F: happy, fulfilled

A: productive

R: good day at work

So that’s a very BASIC example. Now I want to give you an example from one of my clients.

This client is just recently divorced. She has custody of her 3 girls, works, and was trying to find a new home to live in.

C: Recently divorced

T: This is so overwhelming, and I have so much to do, I am not getting time with my girls

F: overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, inadequate, depressed

A: inaction, sleeping

R: not getting done what she needs to and not spending time with her girls

C: Recently divorced

T: I can do everything I need to and still have time to spend with my girls

F: Confident, Happy, Empowered, Productive

A: Gets done what she needs to and spends time with girls

R: Better relationship with her daughters and feeling good about herself

See how just changing her thought gave her completely different feelings, actions, and results, even though her circumstance was the same?

Now, I know this seems super simple. And in some cases in can be. But in most it is not. Changing thoughts that have been in your brain for long periods can take a while to change. But it is definitely possible.

It’s important that you just begin to notice your thoughts. Notice what you are thinking and what emotions, actions, and results you are getting as a result of those thoughts. As you begin to notice them, then it will make it easier to change them.

As members of the LDS church we believe that one of the greatest blessings we have here on earth is the gift of Agency. Most of the time we think that agency is just choosing right from wrong. Good from evil. But I believe that learning to consciously choose even the thoughts that we think is the highest form of our agency.

So when you begin to notice your thoughts (Eckhart Tolle describes it as becoming A Watcher) your brain will naturally choose thoughts that are familiar and easy. Be compassionate with yourself as your are trying to change them. Yep…there’s that thought again… and then move on to your new thought. But don’t get mad at yourself or beat yourself up for continuing to think the same thoughts you’ve been thinking for a long time. That is totally normally. Just be compassionate and understanding and continue to work to think the new thought. As you consciously choose to think the new thought it will become more natural and you will start to see the changes in yourself.

Now you may think...ok, I can do this. Why do I need a Life coach? And maybe on some things, you can. But I find most people need some help. Especially at first. A lot of people get confused on what are their thoughts versus what is a circumstance. Many times they’ve been thinking thoughts for so long they think that their thoughts are facts.

I have another client who was also recently divorced for the second time. It has been pretty devastating for her. She was feeling depressed, exhausted, sad, and angry. She said her circumstance was “I am alone”. But I showed her that that was actually a thought. It wasn’t a fact. She isn’t alone. She has children, and grandchildren, and friends who live her and support her. But that thought was causing her so much pain. Together we found a new thought that fueled her to use her story to help others. To serve others. This made her happy. This made her feel like she could move forward. It changed her course. Now, that doesn’t mean she still doesn’t have dark days. Dark hours. Dark moments. But they are far less.

Something else I want you to understand is that it is ok to have negative emotion. We don’t need to (and we don’t always want to) change what we are thinking so that we never experience negative emotion. I tell my clients to expect about 50/50. 50% positive and 50% negative. But let me give you an example of not changing a thought that causes negative emotion.

When my grandma passed away in January I was obviously sad. Thoughts about her not being here anymore and missing her made me sad. But I wanted to be sad. I wanted to miss her. So I didn’t try and change those thoughts.

Sometimes my kids do things that irritate me. Sometimes I want to be irritated, so I don’t work to change the thought making me irritated (like, “they shouldn’t do that”) and sometimes I do (“of course they do that, they are teenagers and that’s what teenagers do”)

So now I want you to try this out! Download my self-coaching worksheets And then find me on social media @amandaloudercoaching and let me know how it’s going for you.

I would also love to help you dive in a little bit further and coach you on whatever you need. Sometimes we need a bit more than what we can do for ourselves. Even I still have a coach because I can’t always see the issues I am creating for myself.

Alright friends thats all I have for you today. I hope you have a good week, especially if your kids are headed back to school. We will see you next week!

Episode 16 - What is a life coach and why do I need one? Aug 10, 2018

I get asked the question all the time, What is a Life Coach and Why do I need one? On today’s podcast I will tell you what I do and why EVERYONE needs a life coach!

Show Summary

So I get asked quite often what a life coach is and why do I need one? So I just wanted to take some time today to tell you about what I do and why having a life coach is such a great thing.

I think a lot of people think a life coach is some cheesy person who gives you positive affirmations to repeat so you feel better about things. And maybe some life coaches operate this way, but that is not what I do.

As a life coach, I can help you get perspective on your life and your mind. I essentially hold a mirror up and help YOU see where you can make changes in the way you think, feel, and act, so that you get the results you want in your life.

Vikki Brock, a coach whose doctoral dissertation had a major influence on the coaching profession said “Coaching came into existence to fill an unmet need, which coincided with the shift away from a model of psychological illness, and toward the humanistic ideal of wellness. And growth.”

Coaching is about taking healthy people and helping them make their good lives better.

A life coach is not a substitute for a therapist who will treat mental disorders and diseases. I don’t sit and explore your past or have you retell painful stories that cause you discomfort. I help you look at what is happening in your life right now that is causing your pain and discomfort and help you see how you can make changes that will help you suffer less and be happy, confident, empowered, and at peace in your life. Even if your circumstances don’t change.

I practice what is called “causal coaching.” A lot of life coaches help their clients by fixing the symptoms of their problem. It’s the equivalent for treating a broken bone with an over the counter pain reliever. The pain may be gone for a while but the underlying issue is still there, so its ultimately ineffective. But if you treat the actual cause of the pain (the broken bone) then you can actually help them feel better for good. This is what I do. I help you find the cause of the pain and we work together to fix it.

As a coach, I analyze your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors from an objective vantage point. I have a different perspective where I can offer suggestions for change and improvement.

So how do I do this?

I work from a Model developed by Brooke Castillo of the Life Coach School. She is absolutely amazing. I have been studying her work for quite a while now and will actually be getting my certification from her and the Life Coach School in the near future, which I am really excited about.

Anyway - she developed a model that I work from that works for ANY problem! I will discuss this model more in an upcoming episode. But from this model I use tools to help people in all areas of their life

Marriage and other relationships
Money
Sex & Intimacy
Boundaries
Unconditional Love
Goals
Confidence
Grief
Parenting
Weight Loss
Emotional Maturity
Processing Emotions

So why do I think everyone needs a life coach?

Do you remember the first time you saw yourself on video or heard your own voice from a recording? And you were like “That doesn’t sound like me at all!”

That’s why you need a life coach! We see ourselves for who we really are and rarely recognize where we are getting in our own way in life.

My coach, Jody Moore, says “You can’t read the label from inside the bottle”

And sometimes we may be able to recognize some of those thoughts, beliefs, and patterns, but we don’t necessarily know how to change it. But I find that most people are unaware of how they are causing their own suffering and pain. Most people think that their pain or happiness come from their circumstances, which is completely untrue. If it were true, everyone who experienced the same thing would feel the exact same way.

So that’s why I think EVERYONE needs a life coach. I do a pretty good job of self-coaching, but there are times where I still don’t see where I am getting in my own way. And that is when I go to my coach and have her help me see those things. So I can continue to improve my life and create the life that I want for myself.

So I have chosen to primarily work with people who are struggling in their marriage, who are currently going through a divorce, or who have recently gone through a divorce because I have a lot of experience with that and I’ve been through it myself. But truly, I can coach anyone on anything. So if you think you may want to try a life coach out, I encourage you to go to my website amandalouder.com and sign up for a free mini-session with me and I will show you in about 20 minutes what a life coach and further sessions with me can do. I hope to see you there!

Episode 15 - Redefining Success Aug 03, 2018

What does success mean to you? What does a successful day look like to you? What does a successful marriage look like to you? Most of the time we define success with achieving these great goals and often we hang that success on things we can not control. In today’s podcast episode, we are redefining success. I bet you are a lot more successful than you think you are!

How do you define success?

Show Summary

Today I want to talk about success. What does success mean to you? What does a successful day look like to you? What does a successful marriage look like to you? Most of the time we define success with achieving these great goals and often we hang that success on things we can not control. Then when something doesn’t work we feel awful about ourselves.

Let me share with a personal example. I’ve mentioned before, but I was married to my first husband for 13-1/2 years. That marriage ended in divorce. The world, and a lot of people in it, consider that a failure. For a long time I felt like a failure because that marriage ended. But what I’ve come to understand and realize, is that I can feel like a failure because I got divorced if I choose to, or I can redefine what a successful marriage means to me.

So now, when I think about my 1st marriage, I don’t think about it being a failure. I consider it a success!

Wait what? Amanda…I thought you said that marriage ended? How can it be a success?

The reason I consider it a success is because of how I behaved in the marriage. What I controlled in the marriage.

Before I got divorced it was very important to me that I be able to look back and say “I did EVERYTHING I could to make it work” and I truly feel like I did everything I knew how to do at the time to make it work.

I kept my covenants
I was willing to work on the marriage in every way possible
and I loved him as best as I could

And even though, at the time, I felt like I was doing everything I possibly could to do what he wanted me to so that he could be happy, I know that I could have never made him happy Only he can do that. Only he could make the changes he needed to make in order to be happy and it really had nothing to do with me.

So when I look back on that marriage - I look at my own behavior and what I could control and I consider it successful.

So how are you currently defining success? Are you basing your definition on things you have control over? Or are you basing them on others, how they act and their emotions?

I have a client who is struggling in her role as a wife and a new mother. She had all these expectations of herself, her home, her marriage and according to her she was failing miserably. Her days never went as she wanted. The baby took up so much time she couldn’t get done the things she needed to get done to feel successful. Her husband would come home mad because the house was a mess. She was failing (according to her).

I introduced a concept to her I learned from my coach called B- work. I think most of us shoot for A+ work. And if we don’t make that we feel awful. We feel like failures. But what if you just shoot for B- work? That usually pretty doable. And if you look at things on an overall scale, some days you can maybe get A+ work and some days you get D work, but it averages out to about B-….so you’re good!

I asked my client to redefine what success looks like that is something SHE can control and feel good about. Maybe it could be that her baby is alive and she offered food and she did the dishes that day. And if she did that, it was a success! She wondered about her husband, but I reminded her about what we’ve talked about in previous podcasts…. she can’t control his emotions. That’s his business. If he wants to be mad, that’s fine. Let him be mad. But she can count her day as successful. And if she was able to get accomplished more than keeping her baby alive, offering her food, and doing the dishes it was an even MORE successful day!

So let’s look at what we can define as a successful marriage. Now yours may be different, but I will tell you what my definition is.

I keep my vows and covenants
I love him unconditionally

That’s it. Those are things I can control. That’s how I can feel successful. If I can do other things beyond that, GREAT! If I can’t…. if I lay my head down on my pillow at night and say “today I kept my covenants and I loved him unconditionally” then I had a successful day. Even if he was mad. Even if I was upset about something. As long as I did those two things, I’m successful.

So we talked a little bit about B- work I want to talk a little bit about perfectionism. I hear this a lot, that people are perfectionists. They want everything to be perfect and if its not, then they feel they are a failure. Perfectionism isn’t doing just about doing your best. It’s actually depriving yourself of the feelings of satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment. And rather than having a realistic gauge of what is good and done and complete, we nitpick and see all the imperfections and everything that is wrong. We are NEVER done. Nothing is EVER complete. Because its not perfect. So if nothing is ever done or complete how do we feel accomplished and successful? We don’t!

Perfectionism is really a fear of not being enough. That our value as a person is conditional on what we do.

Now do we want to go to the other extreme and not try? not care? No!

So what I propose to you today is that you set realistic goals, have realistic definitions of what success is and then strive for excellence. You strive to do your best.

Without a goal, there can be no real success - Thomas S. Monson

So your BEST is NOT perfection.

I also want you to see that even if you don’t completely reach those goals, the fact that you are even striving for them is making you better. You are a better person just for making the decision to strive for excellence.

Each day is a day of decision - Russel M Nelson

So I want you to sit down with a pen and paper this week and write down YOUR reasonable definition for success areas of your life. Write down your definition of success in your home, with your children, and in your marriage. Make sure they are things that are attainable and within your control. Remember you can not control others, their actions, or their emotions. These definitions are about YOU.

So when you write those down, I want you to set that intention each morning and strive for them each day. After you’ve done them for a week or so, I want you to go to my website amandalouder.com and go this podcast page - this is Episode 15, and tell me in the comments what your definitions were, how you did through the week, and how you are feeling about it now. I can’t wait to hear!

Episode 14 - 5 New Thoughts That Helped Me In My Marriage Jul 27, 2018

In this podcast I share with you 5 new thoughts that I’ve personally been working on with my life coach and in my own self-coaching that have really helped me in my marriage. I think they could help you to, or at least get your wheels turning about what new thoughts would help you!

Show Summary

So today I wanted to talk to you about 5 new thoughts that helped me in my marriage.

I’ve mentioned this before on this podcast, but my husband Kevin and I have been married for just over 6 years. This is a second marriage for both of us. And while marriage is never EASY, some marriages are definitely easier than others, and that is how I feel about my marriage to Kevin. We of course have our struggles, but I absolutely adore him. I am so in love with that man.

But even with how absolutely amazing he is and how I feel about him, sometimes I struggle with my own thoughts about myself and our marriage. So when I began getting coached by my own Life Coach, Jody Moore, that is one of the first things I wanted to work on. I wanted to show up as my best self in my marriage because I love him and I want this marriage not just be a good marriage, but to be exceptional.

So I wanted to share with you today 5 new thoughts that I’ve worked on with my life coach and in my own self-coaching that have really changed me and helped me be even happier in my marriage.

He can be grumpy and I don’t have to be

Now this one may sound funny, but its something I’ve really struggled with . We all have days when we are grumpy, irritated, stressed or don’t feel well. But when Kevin would have those days, instead of me continuing to have a good day I would mirror his emotions and become grumpy too. I don’t like being grumpy. I have enough grumpy days on my own, I didn’t like that when he was grumpy it was making me grumpy. And then when we were both grumpy, it would kind of spiral. So this is one of the first things I wanted to work on. So I decided that if he was grumpy, I didn’t need to be. And I often have to repeat that thought in my head…a lot.

So here is an example…. On my birthday a few months ago Kevin came home from work really not feeling well, which made him pretty grumpy. But it was my birthday and so I did NOT want to be grumpy too. So i just decided that I wasn’t going to be. We took all the kids out to dinner and Kevin continued not feeling well and being kind of grumpy but I was totally happy and fine and had a great night out with the kids. In the past, I probably would have gotten upset that he was grumpy on my birthday and then I would have gotten grumpy and dinner with the kids would NOT have gone well, but I just decided I wasn’t going to be and I was going to be happy because it was my birthday and I totally was and it was great.

My only expectation of him is for him to be there for me to love

I know..I know… whenever I talk to my clients or other people about this, they are like….yeah right! You don’t have any other expectations of him? You don’t expect him to go to work or take out the trash or help out around the kids or anything? And I’m like “NOPE” My ONLY expectation of him is that he is there for me to love. That’s it. And the reason I decided to think that is because in the past I did have expectations of him. I did expect him to do certain things for me, for the kids, around the house, etc. But if he didn’t meet those expectations, I was MISERABLE. I tied my feelings to HIM meeting my expectations. And when he didn’t, I made it mean all sorts of crazy things about ME! But I decided to take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings and the only thing I wanted to feel for him was LOVE.

Now…that’ doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes make requests of him. I totally do. But if he doesn’t do them, I don’t make it mean anything about me. I also think as equal partners in marriage we can sit down and talk about what we want for our life together and for our family and kind of divide up responsibilities. But even then, if he doesn’t do it, its not about ME! It’s really about him. So I just love him. I love him with no expectations except that he will be there. That’s it!

Now the next one kind of ties in to that

It is not his job to make me feel validated, worthy, or loved, that’s my job

Now we’ve talked a little bit in previous podcasts about how our feelings come from our thoughts. So if I want to feel validated, worthy, or loved, that comes from my OWN thoughts about myself. He can’t MAKE me feel loved… that can only come from me.

For example… Say your husband brings you home a bouquet of flowers. Your THOUGHT could be “wow… he is so sweet, I love that he is trying to show me he cares” and if you think that thought then you feel love. But your husband could also bring home that same bouquet of flowers and your THOUGHT could be “why would he waste his money on stupid flowers. I wonder what he did wrong….” and that thought wouldn’t produce feelings of love. It would produce feels of confusion, irritation, and suspicion. Do you see what I’m saying. How you feel is totally up to you… Now sometimes our spouses make it EASIER for us to think good thoughts about feeling loved, or validated, or worthy by their actions, but whether we do or not is completely up to us and our thoughts around it.

Kevin usually doesn’t a pretty good job of helping make those thoughts easy for me. But I still have times when I struggle, but realizing those thoughts are my own and not from him is really empowering.

He is doing the best he can, even if that isn’t very good sometimes

Listen, we are all human. Sometimes I don’t show up as my best self. I really am doing the best I can in that moment, but sometimes my best isn’t great. And its the same with Kevin. Sometimes his best isn’t great. But choosing to think the thought that he is doing the best he can in that moment, really helps me feel better about things sometimes.

I hear so many times from my clients and friends things like “My husband comes home late from work and then he just sits and plays video games and does nothing to help me. If he LOVED me, he would come home on time and help me with the kids. I’m tired too!” Now do you realistically think that their husband said to himself “I’m going to come home late from work and I’m not going to help her and I’m just going to play video games because I don’t love her.” Absolutely NOT! But he’s human and sometimes he needs some downtime too. So just realizing that he is doing his best, even if that isn’t what you want or its not very good makes a big difference. I know it has with me.

He is exactly who he is supposed to be

This thought has really helped me because sometimes I wish Kevin was a little bit different with some things. Not much, he’s pretty darn great, but there are a few things I wish he were better at. But then I remind myself that he is exactly who he is supposed to be. And that is pretty darn great. I’m sure there are things about me he wishes were a little bit different too. But that’s ok too.

Ok, so lets go over those 5 thoughts again.

He can be grumpy and I don’t have to be
My only expectation of him is for him to be there for me to love
It is not his job to make me feel validated, worthy, or loved, that’s my job
He is doing the best he can, even if that isn’t very good sometimes
He is exactly who he is supposed to be

I hope you find those thoughts helpful in your marriage too. But if you want some help applying these to your marriage or finding other thoughts that would be helpful, make sure you go to my website amandalouder.com and sign up for a free mini-session and I’d love to help you.

See ya next time!

Episode 13 - Patience Jul 20, 2018

In this podcast I talk about what patience is, what it means to be patient, how we can develop patience, and how important patience is in our marriage.

Show Summary

So this year in our Stake (which if you are not LDS, a Stake is a geographical boundary comprised of several congregations) we are focusing on a different attribute of Christ each month, and this month that attribute is patience. So on Sunday, we had a couple of talks on patience and it really got me things about what patience is, what it means to be patient, how we can develop patience, and how important patience is in our marriage and in our families.

I was thinking back to when I was a young mom and I was really patient with my babies and my toddlers. I didn’t get angry at them when they couldn’t do something for themselves or they didn’t do something right when I asked them or if they did it wrong because they were still learning. They didn’t KNOW things yet. So it wouldn’t have been ok for me to get upset at them or mad at them for things that they didn’t know yet. So I was a lot more patient with them because they didn’t KNOW it.

Now, as they have grown and have learned more, I’ve become LESS patient with them because when they don’t do something, or don’t do it right away, or if they do it wrong or they do something they are not supposed to my THOUGHTS are you SHOULD be doing this or you SHOULD know this or you SHOULD know better. And that is when I get upset. That is when I am not patient.

I want you to think back to when you first began your relationship with your spouse. You were probably a LOT more patient with them in the beginning than you are now because they didn’t KNOW your expectations or all of your wants and likes and needs. But are you less patient with them now because you THINK they SHOULD know?

I also think we are a lot more patient with ourselves when we are learning. Let’s think again about a toddler when they are trying to learn new things. Think about when your toddler was learning to dress themselves. They wanted to learn how to do up their own buttons, even if it took FOREVER. They had patience because they wanted to learn. But how many times are we impatient with ourselves or others because we think we should be able to learn it faster? Sometimes it just takes a lot time to learn things.

In one of the talks on Sunday she said, “we show patience when we let the Lord work in our lives instead of us trying to force it.”

And I think that is so insightful. We aren’t patient with ourselves or others when we are trying to force the issue instead of it working itself out in its own time. In Mosiah 3:19 it says “becometh as a child, patient.” Just as a child is patient to learn how to do up all their buttons on their shirt, we too can be that way when we just let things be learned in their own time, as the Lord does with us.

In D&C 92:26 it says “Bear it patiently, your reward shall be doubled” - so when we are patient, the reward is even greater that if we had tried to force the issue ourselves. Think about how excited the toddler is when they did it all by themselves. But if you force the issue, and take over because you can do it better and faster, and they never learn, you miss that.

So I’ve mentioned before that I have a 16-year old daughter, Carly, who is bi-polar. Being her mother is so rewarding, but it definitely has its challenges. Over the years I have had to learn great patience. And really, its only been in the last couple of years that I’ve seen huge changes in myself with this. For years, I prayed for patience with her and I think the Lord just laughed because I really wasn’t doing anything to make that happen. So he wasn’t just going to give me patience. I had to work for it.

I used to wake up in the morning and pretty much gear up for a fight. Every single day was a struggle with her. But when I started my day with prayer, scripture study, and meditation, my mind was more more clear and when the fights came, I didn’t escalate with her (which is what I had done in the past). I had really wanted the Lord to help HER change and what needed to happen was for me to change. For me to make changes to put my mind in a more peaceful place. I also needed to gain more understanding and compassion for what she was going through.

She would throw HUGE tantrums, long after she should have been throwing tantrums.” and my thoughts were “You are too old to be doing this. You should KNOW better.” Which caused ME to be impatient with her. But when my thoughts changed to “what are the thoughts in your head that are bringing out these emotions and how can I help” instead or “there must so much going on inside that you don’t know how to control this” and began to really see that she DIDN’T know how to control it, I began to be much more compassionate and patient with her.

Now, let’s think about this concept in relationship to your marriage. When you are IMPATIENT with your spouse it is because you THINK they should KNOW better and should DO better. Right? But what if they don’t? What if they haven’t learned that lesson yet? What if trying to FORCE the issue is making it worse? What if you were to drop all expectations of your spouse and the only reason they were there was for you to LOVE them? Now, I know, I know you are like WHAT???? Of course I have expectations of my spouse. But what if you didn’t? What if you just LOVED them for them with no conditions or expectations? What would happen in your marriage? Now, having no expectations doesn’t mean you can’t make requests. It doesn’t mean you can’t sit down with your spouse and figure out who is going to take what responsibilities as equal partners in marriage. But what if it just meant that you wouldn’t try and FORCE any of the issues? That you just acted out of LOVE all the time because you know that always gives you your best results? What if when they did or didn’t do something that you don’t like, you didn’t make it mean things about you? Like - “if he loved me he would do this….or he would just know I need this” or “if he loved me he wouldn’t do that” because I guarantee that most of the time they aren’t purposely trying to hurt you. They are just oblivious and unknowing, even if they really should know.

When your toddler is acting out or doing something, you are acting out of LOVE when you try to help them. Why can’t it be the same way with your spouse?

So that is patience! Patience is not trying to force issues, but just letting them work on in their own time. Patience is all about LOVE. And when we are acting out of Love we are always our best self.

Episode 12 - Changing Your Past Jul 13, 2018

So when you think about your past, are there things you don’t like about it? Are there maybe some good parts that you have forgotten or ignored? Let me show you how you can change your past….or at least how you think about it!

Show Summary

When I begin working with my clients I ask them to name 10 things that have happened in their life. I ask them to do this because it gives me an idea of what they are focused on. Sometimes they give me a list of big moments, sometimes its chronological, sometimes its all positive, sometimes it all negative. Sometimes its a mix. Sometimes its just the facts and sometimes there’s a lot of feelings involved. But its really about HOW they see their life. It’s HOW they THINK about their life.

If I were to ask you about your past, you’ll tell me a story. You’ll tell me about how YOU think about your past. But what most people don’t really understand is that because its in the past the ONLY thing that effects you today is how you THINK about it. The only place the past exists is in your mind. It’s a story. Sure, there may be some facts mixed in there, but most of it is just a story you tell yourself and others. And guess what….because of that, you can change it!

I know, I know…you are thinking that I’m totally nuts. You can’t change your past. The past is the past and there is no changing it. And that is where you are wrong! You can absolutely change it. You may not be able to change the facts, but you can absolutely change how you think about it. How do you do that? You tell a different story.

So let me give you an example -

Growing up, I had a great childhood. I was the oldest child with two loving parents. I lived in an amazing neighborhood where everyone looked out for each other and I had tons of friends. I grew up 10 minutes away from both sets of grandparents and was constantly surrounded by aunt, uncles, and cousins. When I was 14, my dad got a new job and I was ripped away from everything that I knew and moved across the country to the East Coast. We no longer had friends and family around. I had grown up in the Mormon bubble of Utah and was horrified by the outside world. I struggled to make friends because very few had the same standards as I did. It was an awful experience. I could not wait to get back to Utah and back to my comfort zone.

Ok - that is version one. And everything in it is true. But here is the same thing, told differently….

Growing up, I had a great childhood. I was the oldest child with two loving parents. We lived in a very close knit neighborhood where everyone looked out for each other and I had a lot of friends. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all lived close and I loved being around them all the time. When I was 14, my dad got a new job and we were going to move across the country. I was so excited for this new opportunity. I love change and I couldn’t wait to experience something knew. But while I was excited for the experience, it definitely wasn’t easy. I struggled making friends because most had different beliefs and standards that I did. But I found that it really made me figure out who I was and cemented my testimony in the gospel. But living back east gave me some new experiences that I never would have had in Utah. I was surrounded by history with Washington DC, Gettysburg, and Philadelphia just hours away. We had tons of visitors and we loved showing them all the sites. When my dad got relocated back to Utah, I was really happy to get back to being around lots of family, because I had missed that. But I was really grateful for the experiences that I had had and how it had made me grow.

Do you see the difference? Both stories are completely true. But in the first one I focused on the negative. I did struggle. But as I stated in the second one, it really made me who I am today. It’s all about how you look at it.

So when you think about your past, are there things you don’t like about it? Are there maybe some good parts that you have forgotten or ignored? Choose to remember and focus on them. And when you do, you change your past.

Now, I know there are things, horrible things, that have happened in some people’s past and you’re saying “well thats not just something I can focus on the positive and get over.” and I totally agree with you. But it is still a perception of how you look at it and what you decide to focus on after. Now, I am not dismissing things like PTSD, those are completely real and need to be dealt with by a professional, but even things that were traumatic can be helped with thought work. For example -

There is a woman I know who was assaulted by a stranger in her home at night when her husband was away. This was obviously traumatizing. Now, she could have continued to focus on it and the trauma and the victimization she endured. She could holed up in her house and not talked to anyone and lived in fear that it might happen again the rest of her life. But instead, she chose to say “this is what happened to me, I’m not sure why, but it did, but it does NOT define me and I will not let it stop me from living my life and blessing other people.”

You have to LET GO of the things you can’t control (and you can’t control the past) and ACCEPT the past for what it is but move FORWARD with love and peace for yourself and others so that you can be happy. I understand that accepting some things in your past is hard. But what other choice is there? Really? You can’t change the facts, so acceptance and changing the way you think about it is the only way to move forward. And if you need some help doing that, let me know!

Episode 11 - Other People's Opinions Are None of Your Business Jul 06, 2018

Are you one of those people who gets offended by what other people say? If someone says something about you, does it hurt you? Let me teach you why other people’s opinions are none of your business…because they aren’t actually about YOU. It’s really about them! And when you figure that out, it is amazingly freeing!

Show Summary

In October of last year I was introduced to a concept that changed my life. My life coach told me that other people’s opinions were none of my business. There was MY business, God’s Business, and other’s business. I could control my own thoughts and behaviors, but I couldn’t control anything else, and really, it was none of my business. And I was like….WHAT???? As a person who really tried to control as much as I possibly could, this news was life changing. I mean…it seems like it would be common sense, but how often do we try to control and manipulate the behaviors, thoughts, and opinions of others? But realizing how true it actually was, was incredibly freeing! I was learning how to control my own thoughts and emotions, but not having to worry about how others were thinking and feeling (because I really have no control over it anyway) really lightened my load.

So I have a few examples I want to share with you that have happened to me in the last couple of weeks.

The first story, is kind of disgusting, so I hope I don’t gross you out too much. My daughter had a softball tournament and we took our trailer and stayed at the tournament for a few days. On our way home we pulled into our local camping store to dump our black tank. There were already two trailers there dumping, so we had to wait. We watched one of the trailers move back and forth to position their trailer just right. And then all of the sudden they dumped their black tank out on the cement without using a hose to put it directly into the hole! Then they used their water hose to try and spray it into the hole. It was absolutely disgusting and we were flabbergasted! When the other trailer pulled away and we were getting ready to pull into position, I decided to go and talk to the couple. I was really trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and was trying to be really nice about it. I walked up and asked them if this was their first time dumping? (Because I don’t know, maybe they are brand new to trailers and didn’t know you needed a hose????) They said no and they lost their hose. So still trying to be nice, I tried to explain that you can’t just dump raw sewage all over the ground and if they didn’t have a hose they should have waited until they got one before dumping. Well this made them pretty mad and the man started yelling expletives at me and calling me pretty much the worst name you can call someone. So I just walked away at that point. My husband (who had been putting our own trailer into position) then took over and told them that he works with the EPA (he is in charge of the environmental stuff at the plant he works at) and what they were doing was illegal. That he was taking pictures of their license plates and would be reporting them to the health department. Oh, and you can’t talk to his wife that way!) So why do I tell that disgusting story? In the past, someone saying something like that to me would have cut me to the core and hurt me so much. But not this time. I recognized that
1. I can’t control him
2. He was probably just embarrassed because he got called out for doing something illegal and lashed out
3. What he said was totally not true!

When someone says something about us, our lower brain kicks into gear to try and protect us. It puts up its defenses and makes us get angry in return so that we don’t get hurt. But deep down the thoughts are often “is it true?” and comes back to our innate fear of not being enough.”

When we question our own value and the truth in what is being said about us….THAT is what hurts us. But if we have confidence in ourselves, our worth as a human, and who we are, nothing anyone says can hurt us. When people lash out, its really more about them and what they are feeling and thinking than it is about us. If someone told you that you have blue hair, but you know your hair is brown, you wouldn’t care because you know its not true! But if someone calls you a name, or makes you feel inadequate in some way, why do you question if its true or not?

The second story is a little bit lighter of a story….thank goodness! So I had just picked up some pizza from little caesars after a CRAZY busy day. I turned out of the parking lot onto the road and a guy came flying up behind me (he was driving way too fast, and maybe I shouldn’t have pulled out in front of him, but it was too late at the point). Not far from where I turned is a light that was red anyway, so we both had to stop. But as he came up behind me I could see him flipping me off in my mirror. Then as I pulled up to the light to go straight, he pulled into the turn lane on my left. I could see him yelling and screaming at me and flipping me off. And I just laughed and smiled and waved and mouthed sorry! Oh…he did NOT like that. But seriously…what could I have done at that point. He was choosing to get mad and I chose to ignore his anger and just continue happily on my way. Poor guy…he must have been having such a miserable day to get that angry over someone puling out in front of him.

But you see how I didn’t make it about me? Because it really wasn’t. It was about him and where he is in his life in that moment. And that’s why his opinion is really none of my business. I get to control me. He gets to control (or not control) him. Isn’t that so empowering????

So here is another example - a few years ago I said something I probably shouldn’t have. It wasn’t said in a malicious, gossipy, or mean way AT ALL! It was something I was just curious about so I could gain more understanding of a situation. But that was not the way it was taken. The woman confronted me, and while I tried to explain where I was coming from and apologize, she was NOT having it. To this day (and it’s been 3 years!) she won’t talk to me and badmouths me in public. It even got to the point where I had to block her on facebook. But I’ve come to realize that she is coming from a place of hurt and pain. What I said hit a nerve. And while it makes me sad that she continues to be hurt by it, there is really nothing I can do at this point except continue to be kind and have compassion for where she is at. Its just kind of sad.

So again… her opinion is none of my business. Because its about her. Where she is in HER life right now. If what I had said was preposterous to her she wouldn’t have cared. But apparently I hit a nerve, even though I didn’t mean to. And I feel sad. I regret even asking (even though it wasn’t done maliciously) because it caused her pain.

So when I say its none of your business, I don’t mean you should go out saying and doing things that you know will purposely hurt people….of course not! But you can’t control how people are going to think and feel…that’s about them. So you just live your life the best you can, worry about your own thoughts and your own emotions, take control and ownership of that (because that is hard enough!) and not worry about everyone else’s.

Now - this goes not only for strangers, or neighbors, but for members of your own family. You can’t control how your husband or your children or your siblings or your parents, or friends or anyone is going to act, think, or feel. But if you are acting out of LOVE in every situation, then no matter what the result you will know that you are doing the right thing. Because acting out of LOVE is ALWAYS the best option and ALWAYS right.

Ok my friends, that is all I have for you today. I’ll see you next week!

Episode 10 - Challenging Relationships Jun 29, 2018

Whether you are dealing with a spouse, boss, or neighbor, you often have challenging relationships. In this podcast I’ll share how you can make them work for you no matter what the circumstance!

Episode 9 - Getting Through An Anxiety Attack Jun 19, 2018

Do you or someone you love suffer from anxiety attacks? So does someone in my family. Here is how I help them get through it, and it can help you too!

Episode 8 - My Journey to Mental Health Jun 15, 2018

In this podcast I get super vulnerable and share with you my own personal journey to mental health. I hope you’ll listen and then come leave me some feedback!

Show Summary

So I wanted to talk to you today about my journey to mental health and how I found Life Coaching.

Transparency. Not wanting to just show the good. Vulnerability creating connection. No shame.

I’ve probably always had some issues, but it really began soon after I first got married the first time.

Married life wasn’t what I expected. He wasn’t what I expected. He changed A LOT after we got married and I pretty much struggled from the beginning.

By the time we had been married for 5 years and had two kids, I started fasting, praying, and going to the temple about divorcing him. My answer then and for the next 7-1/2 years, was “Now is not the time, you have more work to do” and while I was determined to be faithful and follow the direction of the spirit, it definitely affected my mental health.

A few years later, I felt very strongly that I was supposed to have another child. I really didn’t want to, considering the state of my marriage, and I also had very difficult pregnancies, but again, tried to be faithful and follow the promptings I was given.

When I went off the birth control something changed in me and I began to experience pretty severe anxiety and depression. I went to see my OB/GYN and he put me on some medication, but it really didn’t help.

I remember not wanting to go to church because my anxiety was so bad. I still went, but I had to sit on the end of the pew and couldn’t have anyone (including my children touch me). Going into a crowded room for Sunday School was not going to happen, so I usually spent the next 2 hours in the Mother’s Lounge listening to Conference talks on my iPod.

I finally got pregnant after months of trying and then miscarried. So we decided to take the kids to DisneyWorld while we could, before we started trying again. We rode in Business Class in the airplane to Florida and I had this big nice seat with my own personal TV and felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I couldn’t relax. My anxiety was too high. I don’t even remember much of that trip because I was miserable the entire time.

When we got home, I got pregnant again and after a pretty rough pregnancy, I had my son Luke in early 2008. That is when the depression got really bad. I was sleeping 9 hours a day in addition to night time. My anxiety was still horrible. When the baby was about 9 months old, a friend came to me and told me she thought I needed to get some help. So I went to a Psychiatrist and started on some different medications.

It took a while to find the right combinations and dosages to at least keep me stable. We’d try something and it would work for a while and then it would stop. In early 2010 things got so bad that I nearly committed suicide. So with some more tweaking of medication and starting to see a therapist things finally began to improve.

I was finally pretty stable and getting strong enough that after receiving a different answer when I prayed about divorce, I was finally ready to move forward in the Summer of 2011.

When I met Kevin just a short time after my divorce was final, I was still pretty broken but things were definitely improving. And once we married and I experienced true unconditional love from him, I was able to get off all of my medications and I really began to heal and look for ways to improve my mental health and the way I thought about myself.

When a friend of mine introduced me to me Life Coaching, it felt like the answer I had been looking for all along. My mantra for many many years had been “I can’t change him, I can only change how I react” but I didn’t really understand HOW to do that. I was just muscling my way through. Using as much willpower as I could. And while things were improving, I still had some underlying thoughts that were hurting me and made me show up less that my best self in the world. But through learning about how powerful my own thoughts were, and how I choose what to think, which in turn makes me feel certain things, I gained back all my power. I can choose to think good thoughts, to have peace, and create the life that is full of joy and everything I want it to be. It was everything I was looking for!

And I knew I wanted to help others have that too. That is why I became a Life Coach. I want to help others realize the power they have to be happy despite their circumstances. That they have the power create the kind of life they want for themselves.

I recently asked my husband what changes he has seen in me since I found Life Coaching for myself. After some thought he told me that I am more patient. That I don’t get irritated as easy. That I don’t have as many emotional breakdowns LOL! And that I just seem genuinely happy. And he’s right. I am. And I want that for you too.

I want you to understand that the absence of mental illness doesn’t mean mental health. And while I do believe that Life coaching can help anyone, I also believe that medication and traditional therapy also have their place. Life Coaching is a great way to up-level what you are doing already. And can really make the difference going from good to GREAT!

I recently read a talk in the Ensign and I wanted to share a quote from it with you that really described how I feel about the changes in my life.

(Being Honest with Myself--and with God

By Faith Sutherlin Blackhurst, June 2018 Ensign)

My experience taught me that “if [my] weaknesses and shortcomings remain obscured in the shadows, then the redeeming power of the Savior cannot heal them and make them strengths.”

However, if I am brave enough to be vulnerable and admit my weaknesses in humility, God can help me turn them into strengths through His grace (see Ether 12:27; 1 Peter 5:5).

After all, honestly acknowledging our weaknesses--or seeing ourselves as we truly are--is the first step on the path to positive change. As I continue to be honest and seek guidance from the Spirit, my Heavenly Father will help me know what needs to change in my life. And as I rely on Jesus Christ, His Atonement, and His refining power, I will see improvement in myself.

Although it was unpleasant to admit my mistakes in that moment of chastisement, I know that when I choose to be humble and honest with myself and with God, I am happier and more accepting of myself. I know that despite my flaws, I am of divine worth to my Heavenly Father--but He still wants me to improve. Through the power of His Son, Jesus Christ, and sincere repentance, I can become so much better than I ever dreamed I could be. “

Let me help you be the best version of yourself. Let me help you create a GREAT life for yourself. Sign up for a mini-session on my website and let’s get started! I can’t wait to meet you!

Episode 7 - What is Mental Health? Jun 08, 2018

What is mental health? How do get to be mentally healthy and how do we maintain it?

In this podcast I will share with you:

- 4 Things Mentally Healthy People Do
- 10 areas that contribute to mental health
- 7 Ways to Maintain your Mental Health

You don’t want to miss this one!

Show Notes:

Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis of The Chic Site 3 in 30 Podcast Dr. Leah Weiss

This post contains affiliate links.

Show Summary

Today I want to talk to you about mental health. I think it is something we are really lacking in today’s world and something that is so important. Most people think that mental health is just a lack of mental illness. A lack of depression or anxiety. I also think some people think they are mentally healthy because they don’t have a diagnosed mental illness like bipolar or schizophrenia. But what I want to offer you today is that mental health is not just a lack of mental illness, but it is a state of awareness and well-being. It determines how we handle stress, how we relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is about mindfulness and where your thoughts and intentions are at all times.

Now that being said, if you suffer from mental illness from a chemical imbalance, I think you can still achieve mental health with the help of medication. I think medication is also helpful to get someone to the point where they can be more mindful and shift their thinking so that they can get mentally healthy and don’t have to be on medication anymore if they don’t have a chemical imbalance.

There is so much to mental health that I want to talk about today. What does it mean to be mentally healthy and how to get there. But first WHY? Why do we want to be mentally healthy?

I was to a podcast and the host was interviewing Rachel Hollis. If you don’t know who she is, she is a female entrepreneur and runs a lifestyle website. She recently came out with a book called “Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop believing the lies about who you think you are so you can become who you were meant to be” I’ve heard great things about this book and I think it encompasses a lot of things we talk about here on the podcast and in my coaching program. But on this particular podcast I was listening to, she said as she was writing this book she was looking back over the hardest things in her life and the whole time she was trying to figure out how to SUFFER less. And I was thinking about that and isn’t that what we all want? We want to suffer less? And whether the situations truly hard, or we just find it hard because of where we are in our life, it is still suffering. And that is what Life Coaching does for people. We teach you what you can do to suffer less. We think that our circumstances are causing our suffering, but really they aren’t. It’s our thoughts and how we are dealing with our circumstances that cause our suffering.

But someone who is mentally healthy is able to deal with those circumstances a lot better. I see these posts on facebook of women who are constantly struggling with anxiety about driving places, and going to their kids soccer game, and making a phone call to make a doctor appointment. And all of that is suffering! And that is not healthy! And that is no way to live! That is not what Heavenly Father wants for us! He wants us to be brave and courageous and confident in our abilities to deal with anything that comes. I want that for you! For you to feel confident and empowered, and that you can deal with whatever.

For example - I was talking to a friend of mine this morning. She is the one who originally introduced me to Life Coaching and has been getting coached herself. May is always a crazy month for everyone - I call it May Madness! Along with all the end of the year school stuff, sports, she also has her birthday, her husbands birthday, and 3 of her kids birthdays. And May is usually just so insane. But this year, even though she just had just as much stuff as she always does, she suffered less! Because of what she has learned about thought work and life coaching, she was able to more easily deal with the stress and challenges that came up. And looking back, it was the same thing for me! I always feel so stressed in the Spring with sports and all of the kids stuff and I just haven’t this year. I was able to handle things so much better and SUFFER less!

So mentally healthy people know how to SUFFER less. They also….

Positive mental health allows people to

Cope with the stresses of life
Reach their full potential
Work productively
Make meaningful contributions to their communities

How do we become mentally healthy?

The first thing is self-care. Self-care, especially as women, gets put on the back burner. We take care of everyone else before we take care of our own needs. We take whatever time is left over for ourself instead of prioritizing it and making it one of the first things. So in order to have good mental health I first want you to put your own Self-Care at the the top of the list. I want you to schedule it in your calendar every single day. Now what does self care mean? It is different for everyone. For some it is eating healthy, exercising, meditation, prayer, scripture study. For some it might be taking some time to read a book or take a hot bath. Maybe go get your nails done or get a massage. Getting yourself in a place where your thoughts and intentions are on the right track and you can focus on what you want for yourself and for those around you that day.

I was recently listening to the 3 in 30 podcast and Rachel Nielsen had on Dr. Leah Weiss, who is a professor in the Stanford School of Business and she’s written a book called “How We Work: Live Your Purpose, Reclaim your sanity, and embrace the daily grind.” In it she talks about when she was in college she went and studied in Northern Indian with Tibetan Refugees. She says that the word “meditation” is a translation from the Tibetan word “gom” (gome) which means something more like “familiarization” or “getting to know your mind and heart.” And really it’s not something you do on a meditation pillow for 5 minutes in the morning, and 5 minutes in the evening, but its really something you can do all the time. Getting to know yourself and where you intentions lie.

She also talks about mindfulness. And mindfulness is the Intentional use of attention. Now the Tibetans have been using this for thousands of years, but modern research backs it up that Mindfulness is how we make meaningful progress in our life.

Our minds wander 49% of the time. That’s normal. But paying attention to that wandering and pulling things back gives us progress.

The Tibetans have a 3-part mindfulness process called Dampa Sume - which means 3 good principles, or 3 good things. And what it entails is that when you are going to do something, you need to first think about it and what your intentions are with it. What do you want it to be. Then when you are doing it, remember those intentions. If you get distracted, try to get back to those intentions as soon as you can. And then when you are done, reflect on what happened. Then start again.

I like to do this as part of my self-care at the beginning of each day. With my scripture study, ensign reading, and prayer. And I include Heavenly Father in setting my intentions for the day. I specifically ask what I can do to serve Him and serve others. I really feel that setting your intentions is the key to personal revelation. And I am so delighted when I am inspired for certain service opportunities that come up throughout the day and I am able to follow through with my intentions. And then at the end of the day I reflect on those things and write about them in a gratitude journal.

I also set my intentions during the day with my eating habits, how I spend my time for work and with my children. How I want to show up in my marriage and with my husband. Sometimes its an all day practice, and sometimes its a little event or task. But there is intention and thoughtfulness behind it. And once you begin to focus on those things as you go about your day you will find you are looking outside of yourself and you are so much happier. You will also find you are so much more productive as you set your intentions for each task. Your mental health is so much better when you are constantly setting those intentions and living up to them, not with perfection, but with progress and compassion.

You also have to value your self-care above anything anyone else says about you. You know what is true and you need to be confident in that.

Checklist of mental health

1. Future plans - Believe in your capacity and your abilities. Have big goals that stretch yourself. Five years down the road 10 years down the road.
2. Emotional balanced - Having both positive and negative emotions. Be willing to experience and process negative emotions.
3. Little or no buffering - Seeking falls pleasure as an escape to negative emotion. Escaping your relationship with yourself and negative emotions
4. Take action - set your intentions and follow through
5. Internal control. Control yourself and not try to control others or your environment
6. Self-coach yourself (use model) everyday
7. Contribution - create value in your life or on the world
8. Unconditional self love - Grace for your mistakes and failures
9. Time management- keep a time journal. See where you are really spending your time each day. Is it matching up to your intentions and your priorities?
10. Money management - It doesn’t matter how much money you have, only how you manage it.

Ways to maintain positive mental health include:

Getting professional help if you need it
Connecting with others
Staying positive (change your thoughts)
Getting physically active (change your state)
Helping others
Getting enough sleep
Developing coping skills

On next week’s podcast I am going to share with you my own personal journey to mental health. It did start with mental illness and has been a long process. And it’s kind of hard to share and very vulnerable, but as Brene Brown (one of my favorite mentors) says “Vulnerability is where connection is created” and I want to connect with you as my audience and I want you to connect with me. I think so many times you listen to people on podcasts or in books and you think..”oh they are just so perfect and I can’t be like that.” But I want you to understand that I am so far from that. And while things are going really good for me right now, I am mentally healthy now, I have no always been this way. It has been a lot of really hard work to get where I am now. But it is possible! It is possible to go from mental illness or just being mentally unhealthy to being mentally healthy. I want that for you and that is what I am trying to communicate to you about in this podcast and what I teach my clients in my coaching program. I want you to see how amazing you already are and what the possibilities are for YOU, because if I can do it, so can you!

Episode 6 - Grief Jun 01, 2018

Losing someone can be one of the hardest experiences we have as humans. In today’s podcast I share with you 8 ways you can support others through grief.

Show Summary

Today I want to about grief. An amazing man who recently moved out of my ward and neighborhood passed away on Saturday and a lot of my thoughts have been centered around him, his wife, their family, and then reflecting back to other times when people I know have grieved and when I have as well.

I’ve experienced a lot of grief in my life, and it’s never something that is easy, but the way we think about the person, the situation, and the death, makes a big difference in how we experience grief.

For example - I’ve mentioned before that my Grandma passed away a few months ago. She was in her mid 80’s, she had lived a long full life. She had suffered from dementia the last few years and had had two broken hips in the last 6 months. And while I love her deeply, and I was still so sad that she was gone and I wouldn’t be able to talk with her and take care of her anymore, for me, I think of her death as a blessing. She wasn’t suffering anymore. She had lived a long full life, and I had done what I could to love her and take care of her to the very end.

Now contrast that with another experience. When I was 10-years old, my moms entire family was on vacation at lake and my 3-year old brother drowned and later passed away. My entire family was heartbroken. It was tragic. We didn’t see it coming. It wasn’t expected. And it caused a lot of turmoil and grief in the lives of my entire family. The grief consumed us for a long period of time. It was awful.

So today I want to go over 8 points on how you can support others and yourself through grief.

Realize that grief is that it is different for everyone and every situation
- Everyone experiences it differently and its different in every situation.
- Even if someone has gone through the exact same thing, their thoughts shape how they feel about it just as your thoughts shape how you feel about it.
- For example - I had a miscarriage in between my 2nd and 3rd child. I was only a few weeks along and because I had had 2 healthy pregnancies already, it wasn’t something that I was prepared for at all. The day that it happened I was pretty upset by it. I was sad that it was happening, but my thoughts were more along the lines of “I’m not sure why this is happening, but God knows best. Maybe there would have been something wrong with this baby and God knows what I can handle. I will be ok. Everything will be ok.” And I was able to recover physically and emotionally pretty well from it.
- Another person may experience the exact same thing quite differently and I know plenty of women who have. And their grief is valid! It is their experience. It may be absolutely devastating to them and I totally understand that. Just because that wasn’t my experience, doesn’t make it any less valid or important. It was a loss for them and they are allowed to grieve however they want.
- I do want to point out again that our feelings come directly from our thoughts. So while my thoughts about my miscarriage helped me recover fairly quickly, and someone else’s thoughts about theirs are different and maybe they struggle with it more, BOTH are valid. But our feelings about it, do come directly from our thoughts and if you are choosing to stay in pain longer, that is totally fine.
Meet the person where THEY are
- Because everyone deals with grief differently, it’s important to find out where that person is in their grief how to best support them.
  - Some people want to be surrounded by family and friends and some people want to be left alone or to grieve with just a small support group
  - For some it may help them feel better hearing about others experiences, while some just want to focus on their own grief and not hear about others.
  - Some people want to stay busy to keep their minds and bodies from breaking down and not focus on the loss. Others want to curl up in bed and cry.
  - All of the examples are valid. Everyone grieves in their own way and we as friends and family (and sometimes its us!) have to realize that all of that is ok and its important to support them where they are. To not push what WE think they SHOULD be doing on them, but let them grieve how they need to.
  - Now, that is not to say that if we are seeing signs of depression or not moving through the grieving process after a significant amount of time that we just leave it alone. But initially, it is important to let them grieve how they need to. But if it has been 6 months, a year or More and you are still seeing DAILY struggles, you may want to step in and see what can be done to help them.
Stay in the present with the person that is grieving.
- The last thing a person wants to hear when they are grieving is “they are in a better place” or “their work was finished” or something to that effect. Just stay in the present.
- I love you and I’m sorry you are hurting. I’m here to support you in whatever way you need right now.
Don’t try to fix the unfixable
- Watching someone in pain and grieving can sometimes be uncomfortable and we feel the need to try and fix it and make it better for them and to make it so that we aren’t uncomfortable anymore. The pain will dissipate over time, but there is nothing you can do in the present to fix that. Just be there to support. Be willing to be uncomfortable so that you can support the person who is grieving. Realize it isn’t about YOU and its only about THEM.
Anticipate, don’t ask
- Don’t ever say “Call me if you need anything” When someone is grieving they are so caught up in it they can’t identify their own needs very well and definitely don’t have the capacity to ask at that point. So anticipate. Give concrete offers - “I will bring dinner at 5pm on Tuesday” or “I will be by each morning to take the kids for a little while.”
- Then, be reliable
- Realize that the normal every day stuff may be beyond their capabilities as well. Dinner. Taking care of kids. Picking up prescriptions. Ask about specific tasks. While they may feel ok about you bringing dinner in, they may not be ok with you doing their laundry.
- There are some tasks after a person passes that can be very difficult. Picking out a casket, planning the funeral, flowers can be all overwhelming. Ask what you can do to help or if they want you to go with them.
Run interference
- To someone who is grieving, the influx of people who want to show support can be overwhelming.
- Grief can be an intensely personal and private affair and having a bunch of different people coming in and out can be overwhelming.
- A lot of times people don’t want to have to talk about what happened over and over and over (although some do) so minimizing the people around those that are grieving can be a good idea.
- Have a Gatekeeper - one who is the designated point person to coordinate well-wishers, meals, tasks that need to be taken care, childcare is a good idea.
- If you are NOT that person, respect the wishes of those who are grieving and go through the Gatekeeper.
Get Support
- If you are a primary support for someone who is grieving, make sure you have support too. Supporting someone who is grieving can take a great emotional toll on you. So its important you have support behind the scenes.
Love
- So much of grief is about love. It about loving someone who is no longer there and love that has no place to go.
- Above all - love that person who is grieving. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to not have all the answers but be there!
- If possible, show the person who is grieving how much you cared about the person who passed away too. A plant they can plant in their yard as a memory. A scrapbook. A crystal box for keepsakes. A statue.
- And remember the anniversaries. Sometimes those can be just as hard and bring up all of the feelings again.
  - I like to put things on my calendar so that I can show up for that person in a loving way when I know they may be struggling.

Episode 5 - Fear May 25, 2018

Are you living your life out of fear? Fear of the unknown? Fear of being hurt? Fear of failure? Fear of judgement? Fear of your emotions?

Fear keeps us stuck and from living our best life. In this podcast we will examine all the ways emotional fear changes how we show up in the world, how it keeps us trapped, and how we can face our fears and live our best life!

Show Summary

Thoughts are like clothes, you have to try them on and see if they resonate with you. You don’t have to agree with everything I say. You can take what you want and leave the rest and that is totally fine. I know that a lot of my view come from an LDS perspective and if that isn’t ok, with that is totally fine. I think MOST things can be translated to any religion or spirituality, but if they don’t for you, that is totally fine! I get that I’m not for everyone, and I’m ok with that!

Now, if there is something I talk about that you have questions about or want to know how you can apply it to your own life, please sign up for a mini session or make a comment on the episode’s page on my blog and I promise I will do my best to answer it.

So today I want to talk about FEAR! I think a lot of us live our lives in fear. And I’m not necessarily talking physical danger here (although that sometimes can be part of it) but I’m talking more EMOTIONAL danger.

Fear of the unknown

Fear of being hurt

Fear of our spouse or our children being hurt

Fear of failure

Fear of judgement

Fear of our emotions

Fear of being in any sort of discomfort

We’ve come to a place in this world where everything is SO EASY and so CONVENIENT that our brain is literally trying to invent things to be fearful of!

Let’s talk about our brains for a minute. So our brains are super complicated and I am not going to go into much. I’m going to keep it pretty simple

We have our lower brain and our higher brain.

Our lower brain - it is our primitive brain. It was designed to keep us safe and to protect us. It doesn’t want to seek change, to thrive, to grow, or evolve. It just wants to stay the same and be safe. It is constantly on the lookout for things that might hurt us, physically and emotionally. Personally, my lower brain is constantly on the lookout for snakes and mean girls.

I am TERRIFIED of snakes. Always have been. I have an automatic gag reflex when I see them. I can’t go to the reptile house at the zoo. I can’t go into the room where they have them at an aquarium. I can’t even look at them in a picture or on TV. And you can FORGET IT when I see them in the wild. My husband and son are constantly telling me about killing snakes in our backyard and I tell them I don’t even want to hear it, because I don’t want to know that there are snakes in my backyard. Well now, I can’t even go out into my backyard without being constantly on high alert for a possible snake encounter.

This is my LOWER brain going CRAZY! It’s trying to protect me from the snakes.

Now - it can do the same thing with emotional dangers if I let it. When I let my lower brain go unsupervised it is like putting a toddler behind the wheel of car. It’s crazy in there! So I am constantly having to engage my higher brain to keep that craziness under control.

Now your higher brain is there, but it’s not very functional on its own. You really have to learn to use it. It’s the part of the brain that produces purpose in our life and allows us to create transformative change. This is where the magic happens. When we engage that higher brain.

But the problem is, most of the time we don’t. We let that toddler in our lower brain run wild! And when that lower brain is running wild that fear of all the things that might possibly hurt us goes crazy. And that fear narrows our vision and makes us less able to think creatively or flexibly. We get narrowed hyper focused on all things that can hurt us and let our fear go wild.

And when we are letting our fears go wild and we are living our lives from a place of fear (fear of all the things that can physically or emotionally hurt us our loved ones) we are not living our best life. We are living the complete opposite. When we are living from fear, we can NOT live from LOVE. And we know that we are our BEST self when we live from LOVE.

Fear keeps us from doing things we want to do. It keeps us from reaching our potential.

So my son Taylor is a senior in high school. In fact, he graduates in a week! Anyway, he is taking this communications class and there have been some assignments that have been really hard for him. So there was one assignment where they were supposed to go up in front of the class as act like the opposite sex. The toddler in Taylor’s brain went CRAZY. He was calling and texting me completely freaking out. There was no way he was going to do it. His heart was racing, he was sweating. He was so afraid. And I kept trying to talk to him about it and what it came down to was that he was afraid. Afraid of failing. Afraid of looking silly and being humiliated. His body was creating a physical reaction to a completely irrational emotional fear. So I was able to help him calm down by helping him identify and process his emotions. Helped him recognize he was actually feeling fear and it actually wouldn’t kill him! And guess what, he did it and he didn’t die!

“The only failure is quitting. Everything else is just gathering information.” Jen Sincero

Now speaking of Taylor…since he is getting older and about ready to graduate I have had my own fears about what he is facing over the next couple of years. For a long time I thought the worst thing in the world would be if he didn’t go on a mission or our church. What would he do with his life? What would people think of him? What would people think of me? I had failed as a mother if he didn’t go. And then I took a step back and realized that I was actually trying to manipulate him and the situation to make myself feel better. So I had to do some serious thought work on the possibility that he may not go on a mission. I had to shift my thinking to thoughts like “If he doesn’t go on a mission he will find the path that he is supposed to go” “if he doesn’t go it doesn’t mean anything about me as a mother, I know I’m a good mom and I’ve done the best I can to teach him.” I also made sure to tell him that I would love him and things would work out the way they were supposed to whether he went or not. And guess what? He’s decided to go! Whew! But man, wow, those fears all came up pretty strong. And when they did, I really wasn’t showing up for him in the best way I could. Instead of showing up in love, I was showing up in fear and being manipulative. So not good! But once I shifted my thinking and showed up in LOVE, things were so much better and he was free to make his decision on what was best for him. And I honestly feel like things would be great no matter what, because I had decided they would be.

I have a friend who suffers from terrible anxiety. It keeps her from doing many things that she wants to do in her life and I truly believe it is because she lets her fear take over. What if I say the wrong thing, what if people don’t like me, what if, what if, what if? And how is she showing up in her life? Really she’s not! She’s letting fear take over.

Friend who was afraid in his marriage and tried to control his wife and then lost her because he tried to control her.

We know that fear won’t kill us. Many times people LIKE that feeling of fear. When it’s controlled. When they know it’s not real. Like when they go to scary movies or haunted houses. They like that feeling of fear. The rush of adrenaline. But because they know its controlled, they can take action.

So what if we take control of our fears? What if we ACT even if we are afraid? What if we stop letting the fear we create in our minds stop us from doing things? Then how will we show up in our life?

So how do we do this?

First we need to identify what we are actually feeling (fear of being humiliated? fear of the unknown? fear of not being enough?) Feel the increased heart rate, the tense muscles, maybe the tingling. Let it move through you. Don’t run away from it. Don’t buffer.
Find the thought pattern that is creating that fear.
Think through what is the WORST thing that can happen. And then say “so what?”
Realize that it actually has nothing to do with life or death, its being afraid to feel the feeling. And realize that you WILL NOT DIE from a feeling!
Take action amidst fear. You can try changing your thought patterns as well, but take action will prove to yourself that you CAN do it, despite being afraid. By doing the very thing we are afraid of and exposing ourself to it. Overcome those fears and you get your dreams.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the FEAR about feeling the FEAR is worse than it actually happening? Thing about when you or your child is going to get a shot. They are freaking out because the needle is coming towards them. But when it actually goes in, its this little poke for just a minute and then its totally fine. The freak out about the FEAR was actually way worse than the actual FEAR!

We hold ourselves back from so many things because we are afraid of how it might feel. And what most of the emotional fear all boils down to is the fear of not being enough. But you ARE! You absolutely are enough, just as you are right now!

A lot of us have this fear of the unknown. We always want to have a clear path layer out in front of us the whole way. But I firmly believe if we take that first step, get over the fear and take action, another step in the path will be shown to us as we go.

I think one of the things I was most of afraid of was failing in my marriage and how I would I handle being single. What would people think of me? What would my children think? What would my Heavenly Father think? How would I support myself? How would I support my kids? Where would we go? What would we do? That fear kept me paralyzed for a really long time. I spent many years buffering and ignoring what was happening because I didn’t want to face the fear. I didn’t want to be a failure and I didn’t know the path path that played out in front of me. But when I faced up to things and moved through the fear, what has come out on the other side is so much better! I am strong, I am confident, and now I have an amazing marriage.

Fear is part of life. We all have it. We were programmed for it. It’s not going anywhere. It’s pretending to be necessary. Embrace it. Expose yourself to it over and over again. Learning how to overcome those fears and face the challenges and get that crazy toddler inside our head under control….now that’s when magic happens. If you can learn to deal with fear your life will be LIMITLESS!

So I want you to do an exercise. I want you to take out a sheet of paper and just write. Write all your fears. Don’t edit. Just write them all down.

Then take a look at what you fear
What you actually have is thoughts that cause you fear
Question those thoughts. Is it logical?
Which ones are holding you back? (a fear of sky diving may not be holding you back, but a fear of what to say when you meet new people? probably!)
Now I want you to deliberately oppose those thoughts
And now that you are aware of them you can change them.

Need more help changing those thoughts? Let me know! I’d love to work with you!

Episode 4 - Identifying and Processing Emotion May 18, 2018

Have you spent your whole life avoiding negative emotions? Do you stuff them down or resist them at all costs? Chances are you were never taught how to identify and process emotions. On today’s podcast I will teach you in 5 steps how to identify and process your emotions so that you can live the life you were meant to!

Show Summary

So today we are talking about identifying and processing emotions. What is an emotion? When we think thoughts, our brains send a chemical reaction to our body which is what we know as emotions. Sometimes our emotions can seem overwhelming and we can’t handle them. We are actually conditioned from very early on in our life to resist emotions that are painful. As mother’s we teach our children not be angry, or sad. We do everything in our power to help our children not experience anything painful. But what we should be teaching them (and what I wish someone had taught me) was HOW to deal with them. Not resist them. Not push them deep down and pretend they are not there. Not do something to avoid them. We need to learn how to identify our emotions, how to feel them, and how to process them. Because, they are just chemicals in our body. They can’t actually hurt us. And resisting them actually makes them worse.

In the LDS church, we are taught that when Adam & Eve partook of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil - it brought an awareness to them so that they could experience opposition in all things. This was a crucial part of the Plan of Happiness. We are supposed to experience hurt, and and frustration, and sadness. This is NOT weakness. This is being HUMAN. This life is not meant to be happy 100% of the time. I think for people who would say they are truly happy, they still experience negative emotion 50% of the time. That’s normal.

Do you remember that movie Inside Out that came out about 3 years ago? I absolutely LOVED that movie because I think it brought the topic of emotions to the forefront. So if you have NOT seen that move, it’s a movie about a girl whose family moves across the country and she has to deal with a lot of new challenges. But the movie is mostly from the perspective of these characters that live in her head that represent her emotions - Joy, Anger, Sadness, Fear, and Disgust. And what I loved about this movie is that it showed how the emotions controlled this girl by putting thoughts into her head about her situation or about memories she had. It also showed us that these are our 5 main emotions and other emotions that we have are kind of “sub-emotions” of those main 5.

Have you guys ever seen that poster with all the different cartoon faces that represent all different emotions? There is a HUGE range of emotions and sometimes it can take a while to figure out WHAT we are actually feeling. And because I don’t think most of us were ever TAUGHT to identify and deal with our emotions properly, We often mis-identify what we are actually feeling. For example - I hear all the time from people how ANGRY they are about this and that. And what they are probably feeling is more fear, frustration, disgust, or disappointment.

So today, I want to give you 5 steps to identifying and processing your emotions. This is especially helpful if you are dealing with an emotion that is overwhelming or painful.

So the first thing is to identify the emotion that you are actually feeling. Sit with it. Call it by name. This is FEAR. I am DISAPPOINTED. I am FRUSTRATED.

The second thing is to ALLOW the emotion. Let it move through you.

Now, remember what I said earlier that EVERY emotion you feel is caused by a thought or belief in your brain. When you believe something, then your brain sends a chemical reaction to your body and that is what your emotion is. So as strong and powerful as that emotion is - it can’t hurt you! So don’t resist it. The more you resist it, the more it will stick with you and intensify - which is the anxiety and panic you start to feel. But if you identify it and just sit with it, allow it, and let it move through you it will come and go a lot quicker. Now sometimes it will go away and then come back, but each time it does if you just allow it, it will move through quicker.

Is to identify where it is in your body? Is it in your gut? In your chest? In your shoulders or neck? What does it feel like? Is it hollow? Is it thick? Does it move? Is it slimy? Is it sticky? What color is it?

Once you have sat with the emotion for a while and you aren’t experiencing it constantly then I want you to identify the thought of where that emotion is coming from. If you are having a hard time identifying the thought, ask your brain. It’s really good at problem solving. Ask it - What thought is bringing the emotion of _________ and then don’t answer it. If you answer, I don’t know, this gives your brain permission to shut down. You are essentially turning off your brains wisdom. But if you ask it and put it to work, it will eventually solve the problem for you.

Once you have identified the thought, then you can work to change that thought if needed. And sometimes you don’t want to and sometimes you don’t need. Its ok to experience any emotion that YOU want. The good news is, is that if you don’t want to, you CAN change it. YOU have that power!

I think it’s important to understand that as humans we are supposed to experience the entire range of emotions. But, if you can learn to manage your thoughts, then those painful ones don’t have to stay as long and you can learn to think about things differently.

But, just as we should only expect to be happy about 50% of the time, the same goes with the people around us. It’s OK for our husbands and children to only be happy 50% of the time too. But their emotions are based on their own thoughts about what is going on in the world. It is NOT your job to manage their emotions.

With our kids, we want them to be happy all the time. But they have the right to a full range of emotions. So wouldn’t it be better to teach them where those emotions come from? And how they have the power to choose their thoughts to help manage those emotions.

And with our husbands…it’s not OUR job to make them happy. Just as its not their job to make us happy. We make ourselves happy with our own thoughts. So if HE is unhappy, that’s on him! It’s not on you. Now that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be kind and considerate of him and his feelings. But you just need to realize that HE gets to manage his own thoughts and emotions. Which is AWESOME news! And it’s important to understand that just because he is unhappy or stressed or frustrated, that doesn’t mean we have to be. That is called MIRRORING emotions. But you get to choose your own thoughts. When you find yourself trying to manage His emotions or mirroring his emotions try on the thought

“He can be unhappy, but that doesn’t mean I have to be” instead.

Now I want to talk a little bit about buffering - Buffering is what we do when we are trying to avoid feeling certain emotions. We watch TV, or scroll through facebook or Instagram. Maybe you shop and spend money. Maybe you turn to food to give you that temporary feeling of happiness. There are TONS of things people do, some more destructive that others. Drinking, Sex, Gambling, or doing anything maybe not as harmful but to excess. Sometimes things can actually be considered good and productive, but done to excess and to avoid other things, its still a buffer…working, crafting, cleaning, etc.

What do you do to buffer? When I was really struggling in my first marriage, I drank Diet Coke. That was one of my buffers. I always say that Diet Coke was how I survived my first marriage. But I was also overweight, because I was eating to fill a void. I was constantly trying to find things that would make me happy because I was so unhappy in my situation. I even tried buying a new house and putting in a pool because if I was going to be miserable in my marriage, at least I’d have a nice house and pool. That’s how I buffered during a challenging time in my life. It wasn’t until I confronted my thoughts about myself and about my situation and dealt with the pain and other emotions that I was experiencing was able to walk away. I had to quit the buffering and deal with my life, as hard it was.

Henry Cloud says “Nothing good is going to happen if you can’t deal with the bad things that are going to happen.”

And he’s right. Until you can learn to deal with the bad things. Learn to deal with the negative emotions, you aren’t going to be able to experience the life in the way that you were meant to. If I hadn’t dealt with what was going on in my life and in my first marriage, I’d never be where I am today. And where I am today is in a happy, healthy, successful marriage. And I am happier than I have ever been in my life. And that’s what I want for you too.

Ok my friends! That’s all I have for you today! I hope you have a fabulous weekend. We are headed to the lake with our boat and trailer to go fishing for the weekend and I am so excited to spend some time with husband and my son. Take care!

Episode 3 - Forgiveness May 11, 2018

We all know that we SHOULD forgive, but sometimes we don't know how. When it's something big and the pain is too great, how do we move past it and forgive?

Show Summary

Today I would like to talk to you about forgiveness. And not just that you SHOULD forgive, but how you actually do that.

Forgiveness is key to having a happy marriage. Our spouses are far from perfect, and as their spouse we get a front row seat too all of their bad habits and behaviors. Things that we may once have found endearing can grate on our nerves if we let it. But lets remember…we LOVE them. We do. So we can forgive them of those little annoying daily things that happen over and over and over and over….

But what about when its a big thing? How do we forgive when trust has been broken. When promises are made and broken time and time again. When we have been betrayed.

This is what is hard. Right?

When someone does something that you're feeling hurt by, it can be painful, but it is nothing more than a thought or belief and a feeling that you carry around. You may feel anger, frustration, resentment, fear, and maybe even hatred because of this belief that they’ve done something wrong and to hurt you.

So, rather than blaming your spouse for how you are feeling, take responsibility for your feelings. And its ok to feel hurt… but realize that it is choice based on your beliefs about their actions. And rather than hold on to that pain and hurt, you can choose to think better thoughts about yourself and them about the situation. and THAT is the key to forgive them.

When we forgive others, its not for their benefit, its for ours. We lift a burden off ourselves we forgive. When we change our beliefs about what their behavior means for us, then we can forgive them and let that burden go. Now it may make them feel better when we forgive them. But we can forgive someone without them ever knowing that they’ve wronged us or ever asking to forgive them. But them feeling better is about their thoughts about the situation, not us actually forgiving them.

Forgiveness can take work. But if we desire to forgive and work for it, it is possible.

So let’s bring up a scenario -

So what if your spouse is unfaithful to you. The pain comes from beliefs such as:

He shouldn’t have done that
He doesn’t love me
He wouldn’t have done this if I were a better wife
What if he leaves me and starts a new better life with her?

We BELIEVE those thoughts...

And with those beliefs you have feelings such as

pain
anger
resentment
frustration
fear

When you have those feelings, how are you showing up in your marriage? Your probably showing up in one of two ways

You are pulling away
Or you are attacking

Neither is great. And when you do this, your relationship will probably deteriorate further which reinforces your beliefs….

When we act out of anger, fear, and resentment we are never acting as our best self. Our best self comes when we act from love.

But if you can work to slowly change those beliefs to

I’m not ok with what he did, but I still love him and we will get through this OR
I’m not ok with what he did, I still love him, but I’m not going to choose to stay OR
What he did was choices he made because of something inside of him, it has nothing to with me. I am enough.

Doesn’t that feel better. With thoughts like that it will be much easier to forgive him, because you are coming from a place of love. Forgiveness brings strength and peace. It softens our heart and opens a pathway to healing and to rebuilding trust.

Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you condone the behavior. It also doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences for that behavior. And, it doesn’t mean you have to stay with them. But it feels much better to make those decisions in peace and love (love for your spouse and love for yourself) than out of anger and resentment?

I was married to my first husband for more than 13 years. We had three children together. And before I divorced him, I went through the 5 steps I discussed in Episode 1. That is how I got a place of peace before I decided to end the marriage. But after we were divorced I really felt like I needed to forgive him if we were going to move on to a place of peace and be able to co-parent our children together. And, with the Lord’s help, I do feel like I have completely forgiven him. I was able to look at the things that were hurting him that made him act the way he did and have compassion for that. And while I am sad that our marriage had to end, I feel really good about where we are now. We have a pretty good relationship. We co-parent really well. Our children are happy and well-adjusted. And I look at where I am now in my life - I have a wonderful marriage with my now husband, Kevin, and I know that I wouldn’t be near as happy if I hadn’t been able to forgive and move through the hurt.

Larry J. Echo Hawk, who is a General Authority in our church said “As we forgive, the Savior will strengthen us and His power and joy will flow into our lives.”

I truly believe that we get an added measure of the spirit when we choose to be obedient and forgive. When we use the atonement to help us forgive, it invites the Savior to be with us on the journey and we are able to give Him the hurt. And give Him the parts we can’t handle. He is able to help us forgive, to move on, to be happy, to be at peace.

Now… just as it is important to forgive others, it is just as important to forgive ourselves. We need to have compassion on ourselves. Be kind. Realize that we are human. We make mistakes. That is the nature of our experience here on this earth. So when you make mistakes…think compassionate thoughts and forgive yourself. You deserve it too! When I was going through the process of forgiving my ex-husband, I also had to take a look at the things I had done that had contributed to the demise of our marriage and forgive myself for those.

I love the quote “God sees our imperfection and shortcomings, but He also sees beyond them.” See beyond them in yourself. See beyond the shortcomings in your spouse. Live from love.

If you are having a hard time, forgiving someone in your life, sign up for my free mini-coaching session and I’d love to help you work through it.

Have a fabulous week my friends, we will see you next time….

Episode 2 - Confidence May 04, 2018

How to build confidence in yourself so that you can be happier and show up better in your marriage and other relationships.

Show Summary

Hello everyone, so today I want to talk about confidence and how having confidence can really help you in your marriage and it can really help you in any relationship. Confidence is a really important part of your mental and emotional health. And building confidence is not something you can just do once and be done with. It’s something that requires constant maintenance and is an important skill to learn. It’s also something that people also don’t understand how to get better at. So that’s what we are going to talk about today.

So first lets talk about why we don’t have confidence.

Now in the LDS church, we believe that we are literal sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. We are DIVINE. We all have infinite worth. And that’s a really beautiful concept. But why do we not believe it?

So there is a disconnect between this divinity and how we feel about ourselves. Inside every one of us is an innate fear that we are not enough. And its not just limited to a certain skill set, but we just aren’t good enough human beings. That there is something wrong with us. That we are not worthy of love or worthy of the good things that come to us. We don’t embrace our divinity.

Most of you have probably heard the analogy of a $100 bill being crunched up, maybe ripped and torn…but it is still worth $100 even thought its not perfect. And that’s just like us.

Now I want you to think of a brand new baby. This baby is straight from heaven. It is beautiful and has never done anything wrong. And of course that baby has infinite worth and nothing can change that. But when we grow up and we experience life…that worth changes? NO! There is not a single human being on this earth that didn’t start out as a beautiful baby. And that worth doesn’t change over time. It doesn’t change because of things we do or don’t do. We all have INFINITE worth. We are are all worthy of being loved. We are all divine. Period.

The problem is, we often let our worthiness or even our HUMAN-NESS make us feel less than…

So why do we beat ourselves up so much for being HUMAN? For making mistakes? When we do not live up to the expectations we have for ourselves? Or why do we let others make us feel “LESS THAN” if we don’t live up to their expectations?

And the kicker is…when we think less of ourselves we actually show up worse in the world. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophesy. I feel like I’m not enough, so I’m not going show up as my best self. And if you don’t show up as your best self how are you showing up? How are people going to treat you if you aren’t showing them your best, true, authentic self?

Now…if we can change our thinking so instead of saying “Well…this is me. I’m not great, so I don’t know if you are going to like me or not because I don’t really like me” to “Hey, this is me. I am amazing. I have infinite worth. I’m also human. I make mistakes. But I will love myself in my human-ness because I know that I am a child of God and I am divine and I have infinite worth and I have some amazing talents and qualities.” How will that make you feel about yourself? So much better, right?

Dr. Sasha Heinz is positive psychologist and she says “Everyone’s biggest challenge in life is to get over the crap in their own head. The ONLY obstacle you ever have to overcome is the stuff in your mind.” I love that!

So, how do we do that?

To have confidence, the first thing you need to do is change that inner dialogue. I want you to start to notice the things that you think about yourself. If you walk by the mirror and you inner dialogue says “I am so fat” First, just notice that thought.
1. You aren’t going to be able to change that thought right away. You can’t go from “I hate my body” to “I love my body” overnight. Your brain will reject it because its not believable when you’ve been telling yourself that negative thought for so long. But what you can do is
  1. Notice that thought - “yep there’s that thought again"
  2. Be compassionate with yourself. Talk to yourself how you would talk to your best friend. You would never tell your best friend that she is fat or ugly or lazy.
  3. Get curious as to why you feel that way - figure it out, maybe write some things down about WHY you talk to yourself that way
  4. Slowly start to change those thoughts. Maybe instead of saying “I hate my body” when you walk by the mirror, you go to “Yep…there’s my body” or “wow…my body does some pretty amazing things” or “I am blessed to have a body, even if it doesn’t look the way I want it to right now”
  5. As you notice those thought and start to be more compassionate with yourself and slowly change those thoughts, you will start to feel so much better about yourself. You will learn to love yourself when you don’t have so much negativity directed toward yourself.
The next thing is to think about how you want to show up for yourself.
1. Do you follow through on the things you tell yourself you are going to do? Do you let yourself down a lot? Do you give yourself excuses? Are you ok with that?
2. and if you’re not, What can you do to change that?
3. The best way to change that is to set small, achievable goals for things that are important to you.
4. Do things because you told yourself you would.
5. Achieving goals (even small ones) is a great way to build confidence in yourself.
6. Be kind and compassionate with yourself but hold yourself accountable. Don’t beat yourself up.

We gain confidence when we accomplish something.

Toddlers learning to walk. They don’t get down in themselves when they fall. They just get back up and keep trying until they get it. They have to build those muscles in order to learn. They keep trying and trying and eventually they get it. And they are really happy with themselves. This is them building confidence.

Same thing with us. But we put ourselves down so much if we don’t get it on the first try. Or even the second. We are so afraid of failing that we don’t even try.

Failure is ok. Just the first attempt in learning. Learn what works and what doesn’t. When you are trying something new….or something you want to get better at your Brain will say “what if I fail” and what if you do? Remember it’s trying to keep you safe from physical and emotional pain. But you can handle it! You can do failure! I’ll figure it out. I’ll keep trying.

So I like to sit down at the beginning of the year and write out thing things that I value. And then I set up some big goals for the year for myself. And then I break those big goals down to manageable goals that I can accomplish monthly, weekly, or even daily. I write them down. I actually put them in an Excel sheet so I can hold myself account. I put reminders in phone. And then I have a meeting with myself on a weekly basis to see how things are going. For example - I set a goal to read our church magazine The Ensign cover to cover each month. There are usually about 30 articles in it, so it breaks down to about 1 article a day. I have a repeating reminder in my phone To read the Ensign each day. I try to read that 1 article first thing in the morning, but sometimes I don’t get to it. If I don’t get to it, it’s ok. I don’t beat myself up for it. I just try to catch up on Sundays. I’ve been able to read the Ensign every single month for the last 2-1/2 years. And I feel really good about that. That helps boost my confidence, it helps me be more in tune with the Spirit, and I’ve found so many things that are helpful for things I am going through in my life. It just makes me feel good about myself that I am accomplishing this goal.

It’s not an all or nothing. When I reflect on my goals I’m happy with my accomplishments. And it builds my confidence.

The third thing is that you don’t let others talk put you down.
1. Get your own back! You are worth it! No one has a right to put you down. And when they do. you don’t need to believe them or let them.
2. If its a continual problem, set some boundaries (like we talked about in Episode 1). Whether this is your husband, your mother, your child, a neighbor, don’t let anyone talk to you in a demeaning way.
  1. This doesn’t mean you need to be mean back. You can just say “I’m not ok with you talking to be this way. If you talk to me this way then I will leave the room.” or whatever boundary you want to set that feels good to you.
  2. I also want you to understand that people are allowed to feel and say whatever they want about you, but that doesn’t make it true. What they think about you is really none of your business. It’s more about THEM than it is about you. One of my mentor’s - Brooke Castillo says “You can be the sweetest, juiciest peach on the tree, but there is always someone who doesn’t like peaches” and that is ok!
  3. As long as you like you, that’s all that matters. And if there are things that you don’t like about yourself, you have the power to change them. Because you are awesome! And you are amazing. And you are WORTHY of LOVE. You are WORTHY of all the goodness this life has to offer. No matter what.

So let’s bring a real life example into this scenario. Let’s Say you have a husband who is quite controlling. He has certain expectations of you as a wife and mother. And if you don’t meet his expectations then he can be demeaning. It’s never ok for him to speak to you unkindly or to put you down. He can make requests of you, but you are free to choose if you want to meet those requests or not. And as long as you are happy with yourself and the things that you are doing, that is ok. You need to get your own back on it. Now he may not like this…. he may not like you standing up for yourself when he used getting his way. In the past you may have just done whatever he requests to keep the peace and then resented him for it. And that’s not a great way to live in a marriage. But if you learn to get your own back, have confidence in yourself, and stand up for yourself, eventually things will change. In one of two ways. 1. He’ll eventually figure out that you aren’t going put up with his controlling behavior anymore and he’ll back down. When you show up with confidence, it can throw him for a loop at first, but eventually he’ll figure it out. or 2. He doesn’t. He continues to be demeaning and you’ll feel so much better about yourself that you won’t put up with HIS behavior anymore and set some boundaries. Just like we talked about in Episode 1, things may get worse before they get better. Be prepared for that. But have confidence in yourself and that you can handle any situation, and everything will be ok.

This week, I’d like you to think about this quote "We can only love others to the capacity that we love ourselves."

If that’s true (and I believe it is) how will you show up differently in your marriage if you love yourself and are confident in yourself. How can that improve your marriage. When we live from a place of love…love for ourselves we show up as our best self in the world.

Ok, my friends. That’s all I have for you today. See you next time.

Episode 1 - Should I get divorced? Apr 28, 2018

Life Coach Amanda Louder discusses 5 important steps you should take before you decide to get a divorce.

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