On Attachment

Latest Episodes:

#288: The Difference Between Healthy Needs and Anxious Demands Nov 03, 2026

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How do you know if your needs are reasonable and healthy, or if they're rooted in the anxious attachment patterns you're wanting to shift? This question, which is a really common struggle, is what we're unpacking in today's episode.

I share some thoughts on why the answer is actually less clear-cut than the question implies, why our anxious patterns make needs feel so fraught and risky, and what it really takes to know what we need and stand firmly for our wellbeing in our relationships and beyond.

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#287: 5 Hard Truths for Avoidant Attachers Oct 27, 2026

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Preorder my book, The Secure Self

If you have avoidant attachment patterns (or are partnered with someone who does), today's episode offers five truths about your patterns, blind spots, and protective mechanisms that, while perhaps hard to hear, are essential learning if you ultimately want to shift towards healthier relationships.

I talk about:

How the myth of the perfect partner keeps you stuck in your avoidance
Why your judgment of your partner's "neediness" is both unhelpful and revealing of your own suppressed emotions
How your emotions affect the relationship just as much as your partner's, albeit in different ways
The difference between being solely responsible for a partner's feelings and the reality of healthy interdependence
The importance of stretching beyond what is comfortable and natural if you want to grow

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#286: How to Deal With Lingering Thoughts About an Ex (Ask Steph) Oct 21, 2026

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Preorder my book, The Secure Self

How do you stop your mind from thinking of your ex, even when the relationship is long over? In today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is struggling with ongoing thoughts of their ex, a year on from the break-up.

We'll talk about why it's normal for your brain to drift towards those thoughts, why it's so important that we don't make meaning out of it, and why focusing on what you can control (ie, your actions) is far more useful than trying to fight against your thoughts.

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#285: How to Respond to Inconsistency and Mixed Messages Oct 15, 2026

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Pre-order my book, The Secure Self

Being on the receiving end of someone's inconsistent behaviour and mixed messages is a familiar experience for many people with anxious attachment patterns. And yet, the ways we habitually respond — by trying to solve the puzzle, gather information, and do whatever we can to not make things worse — often serve to entrench us in unhealthy and imbalanced relationships. In this episode, I talk about why inconsistency feels so familiar, how we typically respond, and what it looks like to instead respond with self-respect and security.

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#284: How to Navigate Self-Doubt and Regret After Walking Away (Ask Steph) Oct 09, 2026

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Pre-order my book, The Secure Self on Amazon

In today's episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who recently stepped away from a long-term, long-distance relationship, over concerns that she and her partner were wanting different things. Despite having been the one to end things, she is grappling with the loss and having second thoughts about whether stepping away was the right choice.

I touch on a lot in my advice to her, including what's "normal" after a breakup, the courage it takes to walk away when nothing big happened, why the fear of regret can cloud our judgment, and under what circumstances a reconciliation is a good idea.

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#283: From Self-Abandonment to Self-Worth (Plus TWO Exciting Announcements!) Oct 02, 2026

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Pre-order my book, The Secure Self

In today's episode, we're talking about self-abandonment and what it really takes to shift away from these well-worn patterns into a more secure version of ourselves that is grounded in self-worth.

We discuss why self-abandonment feels so natural to many of us with anxious attachment patterns, the importance of self-compassion, building nervous system capacity, advocating for our needs from a steady place, and building self-trust.

My book, The Secure Self, is now available for pre-order! Head to stephanierigg.com/book to claim your exclusive bonus package for free as a pre-order gift with purchase.

#282: How to Forgive Yourself for Pushing Someone Away (Ask Steph) Sep 22, 2026

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In today's Ask Steph episode, I'm giving advice to a listener who is feeling a lot of shame and self-blame for their role in the breakdown of a relationship, which they've come to recognise after working on themselves post-break-up. I share some thoughts on why shame and blame can be so tempting, but also how it blocks us from truly learning the lessons of our break-up and changing our patterns going forward. I also offer some honest advice on whether it's a good idea to reach out to your ex to share what you've learned about yourself since the break-up.

#281: When You Want to Work on the Relationship But Your Partner Doesn't Sep 17, 2026

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So many people will know the frustration of wanting to work on your relationship and being met with resistance, shutdown, or disengagement from a partner. When your sincere attempts at getting through and finding a path forward aren't landing, it's easy to feel hopeless—and confused as to what it means for your future.

In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on this predicament, as well as tips for breaking through the impasse and how you can find your way back to centre irrespective of whether your partner comes to the table.

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#280: Why You Feel Jealous About Your Partner's Past (& How to Navigate It) Sep 08, 2026

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In today's episode, we're talking about retroactive jealousy — being an excessive preoccupation with a partner's romantic and/or sexual history, and feelings of intense insecurity and comparison as a result. This is a really common experience (one I used to struggle with myself!), particularly among those with anxious attachment patterns who already experience a hypervigilance to perceived relational threats coupled with low self-esteem and a fear of abandonment.

We'll talk about how retroactive jealousy is often a branch off the "unworthiness" tree, and why starting there — with tending to our low self-worth — is often the fix.

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#279: When an Old Love Resurfaces and Starts Pulling Away (Ask Steph) Sep 01, 2026

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This week's Ask Steph question comes from a 77 year old listener who recently reconnected with a man she loved 45 years ago, following the passing of her husband of 40 years. He was the one who got away, and their reunion felt like everything she'd hoped for... until he suddenly started pulling back without explanation.

In offering my advice, I share some thoughts on why a first relationship after a long marriage can feel so consuming, why avoidant patterns often show up most acutely when someone is going through something difficult, and why the instinct to chase and accommodate someone who's withdrawing usually costs us more than it helps.

We talk about the difference between having compassion for someone's fear and abandoning your own needs to manage it, and why getting clear on what you actually want (before you have the conversation with them) matters so much.

If you've ever found yourself dropping your own needs to keep someone from leaving, this one's for you.

Have a question you'd like to submit for a future Ask Steph episode? Click here to leave a voice note.

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