You’ve made the commitment. You’ve caught the vision. You want to serve God in every aspect of your family life— but sometimes it’s hard to put feet on that vision! How do you get from principle to practice? What does it look like when you get there? How do you apply Scriptural truth in a 21st century family? This is “Making Biblical Family Life Practical,” with Hal and Melanie Young. With humorous banter, laser beam insight, and lots of practical advice, Hal and Melanie address real world issues, current events, marriage, parenting, raising sons, and family life. They’ll encourage and inspire you to walk out the Word of God in your family — and work toward reforming our culture, too. Monday nights at 9 Eastern. Don’t miss it!
Valentine’s Day on a Budget – MBFLP 288
Feb 07, 2023
Like it or not, February 14 is just around the corner. Maybe you’ve got big plans, but maybe you don’t have the funds for a romantic getaway. With eight kids and a limited budget, we’ve been there! This episode we’re talking about ways to make the most of the holiday without spending a fortune!
Why Celebrate Anyway?
The Bible describes several holidays which were instituted by God for the people of Israel. When they gathered to celebrate Passover, the Feast of Weeks, or the Feast of Tabernacles, the Jews were to take the occasion to remember God’s blessings in history and the present.
The holiday of Purim was created by the people themselves, to memorialize the nation’s deliverance from genocide (as recorded in the book of Esther). Even though it’s not a pilgrimage festival like the ones God commanded, the Bible does record the celebration of Purim in favorable terms. It’s easy to draw parallels to our own holidays, like the Fourth of July to celebrate our nation’s independence, or Thanksgiving to remember God’s blessings. They’re not mandated by Scripture but they are opportunities to talk about God’s working and God’s gifts.
Valentine’s Day may be low on the priority list, as “holy days” go, but we think it’s a good time to think about our relationship with our mate and to enjoy some time to focus on one another. It’s like birthdays and anniversaries, but everyone celebrating the same day! We hope you have a good one –
Surviving the Break with Your College Students – MBFLP 287
Dec 05, 2022
The holidays are upon us and we are looking forward to having our college students home again! But to be realistic, there’s always a transition to bringing our young adults back into the household – and often both the student and the family ends up frustrated. This episode we’re talking about things you can do – on both sides – to make the visit as smooth and pleasant as possible for everyone!
Parent Understanding
If you went to college, you remember the rush of exam week – and the mental and physical exhaustion at the end of it! Especially at Christmas and the end of the spring semester, your student will be arriving after a really tough week or two. We try to keep that in mind for their first several days home.
Expectations
Our unspoken hopes and preferences can set us up for disappointment and conflict. Maybe we parents look forward to seeing our young adult, but we’re also looking forward having his help around the house again! For his side, maybe he’s hoping for some relaxation from the stress of college — or possibly, he has projects or homework to finish during his holiday. Maybe the younger siblings want a lot of attention from their big sister, when she really needs some peace and personal space – at least at first.
The best way to deal with these issues is to communicate ahead of time – gently, in love – and be willing to listen to one other and seek to accommodate everyone. All of those expectations are common and valid – the difficulty is how to address them all. If we cultivate patience and understanding together, we can probably find a mutually agreeable pathway.
Changing Channels
When Hal was working a corporate job, he had to remind himself on the commute home, “I have to leave the office door closed behind me and put on my family hat now.” No matter what stress or disaster he’d left at work, when he came in the door, he knew the kids would be excited to see him, Melanie would be tired and need compassion, and he’d have to be ready to show love and concern to everyone at home.
Our college students need to think about that, too. While they’re making the trip home, they need to consciously prepare themselves to be part of the family culture at the end of their trip. The way they live or even just survive on campus is a separate issue to what happens at home — and they need to change gears before they get here.
In both cases there will be time and opportunity to share their struggles and disappointments, to seek advice and sympathy, but that will come after the initial rush of returning. Everyone will be happier at the end if the wanderer is ready to greet and be greeted first, and then seek the serious conversations after!
Part Three of our series on work – Your kids and their chores! We have eight kids and with some health challenges around, it was really necessary that everyone contribute to running the house. This episode we deal with some common questions: Should children be paid for chores? Are we making tasks too difficult for kids to handle? What’s appropriate to teach and expect from different ages? How do you handle chores for children with developmental or health issues? And what do you do to keep everyone from getting overwhelmed?
Part 2 on getting our kids to work – What about school work? That’s really the daily job for our children – whether it’s homeschool or any other educational system. What can we do to overcome their natural resistance to school, and how can we encourage good habits in the pursuit of knowledge? We’ve homeschooled our eight children from the beginning and we have some practical ideas that have really helped us along the way!
0:55 – How our motivation affects the kids’
2:29 – The risk and cost of missing the actual point of education
4:54 – Protecting the love of learning
6:19 – Distinguishing a struggling learner from a lazy learner
How Can I Get My Kids to Work? – MBFLP 284
Oct 14, 2022
It’s one of the most common questions we get – “How can I get my kids to work?” Surveys find that a large number of families don’t expect their kids to do chores – and many that do, have a running battle over getting them done cheerfully. This episode, we’re talking about a balanced, Biblical attitude toward our children’s work (as well as our own), and what we can do to encourage them in it!
Thomas Edison: “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Laura Ingalls Wilder, Farmer Boy
Scripture Referenced
Children playing in God’s peaceable kingdom – Isaiah 11:8-9
Children playing in the New Jerusalem – Zechariah 8:5
Jesus speaking of the games of children in the marketplace – Matthew 11:16-17, Luke 7:31-32
It is good for a man to bear the yoke in his youth – Lamentations 3:27
Bondservants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh, not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God. And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord ... – Colossians 3:22-23
In all labor there is profit … – Proverbs 14:23
Do all things without complaining and disputing – Philippians 2:14
Things We Learned When Times Were Tight – MBFLP 283
Oct 05, 2022
A lot of families are struggling during this economic downturn. It’s not the first time we’ve been through it, either. How do we respond in a positive, faith-directed manner to the undeniable challenges of the day? What can we learn and what can we teach our kids as we make our way through?
Homeschooling a Bunch of Levels at Once – MBFLP 282
Sep 02, 2022
There are a lot of new homeschoolers this year, and many families may be wondering, “How will we ever manage to teach two, or three, or six grade levels at the same time?” It’s possible – Melanie has taught six students with a toddler underfoot, more than once! But there are some tricks to the trade that make it workable. This episode we talk about changes in expectations and choices of curriculum that make the difference when you have more than one grade to teach!
Homeschooling looks different than institutional schools – for a reason
You have to recognize that classroom schools are set up and operated a certain way for efficiency with groups. If you’re homeschooling, you don’t have to manage twenty-five 5th graders – you have several different grades, with one student in each one. Have we ever heard of this?
Of course – the one-room schoolhouse. For an example, read about Laura Ingalls’ school in Little Town on the Prairie – it’s a great description of how she managed a room with beginning readers and high school students at the same time. That’s not unlike a large homeschooling family!
Curriculum choices will be different, as well as the way we use them, compared to classroom schools. The whole endeavor needs a fresh look at what we plan to accomplish and how that should look – but you’ll be glad you made the effort!
We homeschooled eight children and have graduated six so far – two still at home! And there have been times when we had a high school senior, a sophomore, two middle-schoolers, two elementary students – and one “pre-K”. And you know, all six of our graduates have gone on to college with academic scholarships, which tells you this can work. This episode may give you the hope and encouragement you need to press on with this challenging adventure.
Homeschooling When YOU Have a Chronic Illness – MBFLP 281
Aug 22, 2022
It’s one thing when you’re homeschooling a child with a chronic illness – sometimes that’s the only way they’ll get an education! But what if Mom’s the one who’s struggling? What if you’re a parent with health issues, but you’re convinced that homeschooling is the best for your kids? How can you manage your days, your illness, and your expectations? We’ve had to deal with this ourselves, and it CAN be done – let’s talk about it!
Bonus Story
We didn’t get to this in the program, but there’s an interesting and encouraging story about long-term illness and doing good things in the midst of it. Susannah Spurgeon was the wife of the legendary British preacher Charles H. Spurgeon. She often helped him proofread and correct his published sermons and book manuscripts, and when she developed a debilitating condition that often confined her to bed, she was still able to do that. When she proofread his book Lectures to My Students, Susannah remarked that it should be in the hands of every minister in England; shortly afterward, she became the manager of the church’s new book fund. Over the last 28 years of her life, she shipped out over two hundred thousand theological books to needy pastors – all while dealing with a life-restricting illness.
Melanie says that her months – many months – on bed rest gave her opportunities to teach our children life skills as well as academic material, simply because many of the household tasks were off limits to her. It really became a matter of looking for what she could do, rather than give in to the legitimate frustrations of what she couldn’t.
Things We Referenced
Genesis 50:20 – “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good … ”
Galatians 6:2 – Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
Romans 8:28 – And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Homeschooling a Child with a Chronic Illness – MBFLP 280
Aug 17, 2022
Everybody goes through seasons of illness – summer colds, seasonal flu, an occasional injury – and most of the time, we can take a few days off to get over them. But what if your student has a condition that doesn’t get better with a week in bed? How can you homeschool a child who has an illness that has to be managed day by day, hour by hour? Is it even possible?
We have to say YES – we’ve homeschooled kids through all sorts of long-term or chronic illnesses. It doesn’t look like other families’ home schools, maybe, but it’s our home school and we’ve been pleased with the results. So let’s talk about some realities of homeschooling a child with a chronic illness!
Things We Referenced
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
Galatians 6:2 – Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
David McCollough, Mornings on Horseback This is a detailed look at the childhood and home life of the young (and very asthmatic) Theodore Roosevelt. It’s interesting to see how little “Thee’s” illness and his refusal to let it hold him back led to his vigorous “Rough Rider” and “Bull Moose” years of adulthood. Like all of McCollough’s books, Hal highly recommends it!
Teaching Character with Stories – Talking with Rick Boyer – MBFLP 279
May 24, 2022
Stories are powerful tools to teach and illustrate character – think of Jesus’ parables! We can use stories the same way. This episode we’re talking with Rick Boyer, father of a large family, about how he’s used narratives to teach his own children, and now reaches out to thousands with audiobooks and commentary. Plus we’ll talk about some resources we offer as well!
Two audiobooks of your choice every month plus new member video section and weekly story podcast
Spring Promo (through May 31) – American History bundle of 22 e-books included in the subscription purchase
We’re speaking at the 2022 Florida Homeschool Convention!
This week we’ll be traveling to the Rosen Shingle Creek resort in Orlando for one of the biggest homeschool events in the country! We’ll be speaking on raising boys, parenting middle schoolers, homeschooling more effectively with less stress, and providing what your special learners need – whether they’re struggling or gifted. Plus we’ll be talking with support group leaders in the Leaders Forum on Thursday. If you’re coming to Orlando, we’d love to meet you – stop by our booth (number 911) and let us know you’re a podcast listener.
Building a Family Culture – MBFLP 278
May 10, 2022
You can feel it when you walk in the door – families have a particular culture or personality! Whether intentional or not, every home will develop its own manner of living and interacting. The question is – how can you encourage a healthy family culture that will strengthen as it goes on? How can you avoid a negative, or even toxic, family life that drags everyone down?
“Potty Mouth” – A Big Deal, or Not? – “What should I do about my kids’ ‘potty mouth’?” asked a young father in our church. Learning appropriate behavior and speech patterns is part of socialization, but is there a bigger issue than being “socially acceptable”?
Encouraging More Edifying Speech – The Bible says a lot about the power of the tongue – the question for us is, how do we train and encourage our families to speak in a more gracious and edifying way, when the culture around us grows more unkind and profane every day?
Raising Kids to Love Their Siblings – Is sibling rivalry just something to expect? Is it a foregone conclusion that our kids are going to be simmering with jealousy, rivalry, and unkindness toward one another? Or is there a way to promote friendship and affection between brothers and sisters? We have eight kids, and while they’ve had their moments of conflict, we’ve been blessed to see them grow in genuine love as they’ve matured. How can we foster this sort of relationship in the home?
Name-Calling and Why It’s Important – Sticks and stones … right? We’ve all heard that, and probably told our kids that one time or another. Yet name-calling is not only a plague of childhood, it’s actually a problem throughout life … and we adults are warned by Christ Himself to be wary of the temptation! This episode, we look at what the Bible says about a deceptively simple and “harmless” practice that can trip us up when we least expect it!
We Joined the Thirty-Percent Club!
We recently finished three events in Alaska (Sterling, Anchorage, and Fairbanks) and recorded this episode in a cabin between Fairbanks and Anchorage. It’s an amazing state!
Locals told us that only 30% of visitors actually get a clear view of Denali – but we did! We took this picture from Talkeetna, about sixty miles away. The day before, you couldn’t see any mountains whatsoever – the weather just covered that whole 20,000-foot peak. We consider ourselves blessed to get a sighting on our first trip – some people visit for years and never see it.
UPCOMING EVENTS
We’ll be speaking at three major conferences in the coming weeks:
Homeschool Conferences – and why we love them! – MBFLP 277
May 04, 2022
With the world full of resources available online, you can develop your philosophy, order your materials, and start homeschooling without ever meeting another parent-educator. That’s a blessing in many ways, especially if you live in a rural area or a foreign culture. But sometimes we think we’ve found what we need when we join the right group on Facebook and know which bloggers we want to follow and which website we like to order from. You may have found part of it, but there’s more!
God tells His people, in Hebrews 10:25, that we must not forsake gathering together. That command didn’t change when our grandparents heard Billy Sunday on the radio or Billy Graham on TV – those were great resources, but they weren’t substitutes for real-life people. We need more than information, we need interaction.
Homeschooling is not church, but it definitely involves spiritual warfare. It’s important to find a flesh-and-blood network to support your homeschooling and provide you with opportunities to help others, too. We’re big fans of local support groups, for just that reason.
But conventions add another dimension – the sheer energy of being in a hall with hundreds, or even thousands, of people walking the same path you’re on. You might have different plans or destinations for your students – college, career, military, home – but you’ve all set out on the path marked “Home Education,” which is one of life’s greatest adventures. And it’s exciting to meet travelers on the same road.
Don’t be shy about talking with other families. You have one little boy, and they’ve got four? Ask them how it works. They have a teenaged daughter and yours is a few years younger? Ask if they have any insights for the next step. You notice they’ve bought a curriculum you’re considering? Strike up a conversation.
Don’t be shy about authors and speakers, either. Most of us speakers are teachers and counselors at heart. We want to reach out and help people. We expect to meet lots of folk whose opening words are, “I have a problem …” or “I was wondering …” That’s what we’re here for. And conventions are the place where you can actually get one-on-one interaction with the people who write the books and curriculum.
You can bless them, too. We love our readers who buy from the big online bookstores, too. But did you know that when you save a dollar online, the author probably earns two dollars less? If you can, please buy directly from the author or the publisher whenever you can. That helps them pay the bills so they write the next book or curriculum you’re looking forward to!
And don’t forget the people who put on the convention. Most conventions are organized by volunteers, and the proceeds support the year-round services they provide – monitoring the legislature, training support group leaders, answering questions from new homeschoolers, and talking with skeptical reporters. They’re working to promote and defend your freedom to homeschool. Let’s pitch in and support them, too!
(This article first appeared in The Homeschool Minute, a publication of The Old Schoolhouse magazine)
UPCOMING EVENTS
We’ll be speaking at four major conferences in the coming weeks:
Homeschooling with Unsupportive Family – MBFLP 276
Mar 08, 2022
If God has called you to teach your children at home, that’s what you need to do! But it’s easier if everyone around you is cheering you on. What do you do if your parents or in-laws or extended family are skeptical? How do you and your family keep on the path when there are headwinds? How do you handle questions, criticisms, or other opposition? And what can you do to find the encouragement you’re not getting from the family?
LINKS OF INTEREST
Census data shows the number of families homeschooling doubled during the pandemic (from 5.4% to 11.1%) and among African-American families, increased from 3.3% to 16.1%
Assume concern is well-intended unless proved otherwise!
Figure out where their concern is focused, then address it with facts and experience
Go ahead and commit to a period of time, like a full school year. That gives kids a more stable educational experience, and it gives both parents and students a chance to adjust to a new way to “do school.” It reduces the temptation of constant second-guessing, too.
Go to a conference! It’s a great way to encourage yourself, and it’s an eye-opener for skeptical family. Even a small conference is likely to be much larger than your family has pictured. And invite grandparents to activities when your kids are involved – whether it’s homeschool sports, a science fair, a talent show – whatever your family is connected to.
Think ahead about “difficult” people – the ones who want to argue with your decision, or the ones who want to interrogate your kids. Coach your kids on the obvious, likely questions – “What grade are you in?” (which is really more like, “How old are you?”) – “What do you like about homeschooling?” – “Do you like to read?” – “What are you learning now?” – “What’s your favorite subject?” Kids sometimes go blank when an adult throws an unexpected question – go head, coach the witness!
Remember, you don’t have to argue and convince everybody (whether homeschool skeptics, or homeschoolers who are taking a different path than you!). Smile, be polite, but be confident. It’s your family, and your kids – not theirs!
More content …
SPEAKING OF CONVENTIONS … Come see us at one of these great events!
Church Online – Yea or Nay? – MBFLP 275
Feb 25, 2022
One of the unexpected results of the pandemic has been the expansion of online-church opportunities. Even small churches like our own were able to use inexpensive tools and software to broadcast streaming worship services – without a technical crew! But is this a useful expansion to the church’s ministry and outreach – or a distraction, or even an enemy, to real worship and fellowship?
Join us for this discussion as we seek a Biblical balance about church broadcasts of all sort – and how to make the best use of them!
Passages of Interest
Hebrews 10:24-25 – And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.
Acts 2:42, 46-47 – And they continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers. … So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness and simplicity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people.
Mention of believers gathering as churches in private homes:
Romans 16:3,5 – Greet Priscilla and Aquila, my fellow workers in Christ Jesus, … Likewise greet the church that is in their house
1 Corinthians 16:19 – Aquila and Priscilla greet you heartily in the Lord, with the church that is in their house.
Colossians 4:15 – Greet the brethren who are in Laodicea, and Nymphas and the church that is in his house.
Philemon 1:1,2 – To Philemon our beloved friend and fellow laborer, …and to the church in your house:
Upcoming Events
We’ll be speaking at several conferences and events this year … here’s a partial list:
Homeschooling and the Holidays – MBFLP 274
Dec 09, 2021
How do you balance everything, between your commitments to church programs, holiday recitals, shopping and cooking and cleaning for the family … and providing a quality home education for your children? Is it even possible? Should it be? This episode, we’re talking about how we learned to manage it with eight kids … no cape or phone booth needed!
We’re celebrating our 26th Christmas while homeschooling! You can do this! Just maybe not all of it at once …
Gift Giving in a Big Family – MBFLP 273
Nov 20, 2021
This week we’re talking about gift giving – it’s Biblical, you know! But how do you manage it without being immersed in the commercialism of a secular holiday, while glorifying God and having fun together? We’ve found that being more intentional and deliberate in choosing gifts and even in how we open them together, and encouraging our children to think of people rather than stuff at Christmas, has great benefits!
Biblical Passages We Mentioned
The wise men who brought gifts to Jesus – Matthew 2:1-11
The people feasted and shared with each other over joy in God’s word – Nehemiah 8:9-10 – And Nehemiah, who was the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to all the people, “This day is holy to the LORD your God … Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet, and send portions to those for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”
How Our Family Christmas List is Structured
We described how our family keeps up with everyone’s “wish list” – not just at Christmas, but all year long! Here’s the basic framework – each person’s section of the family list is divided into price brackets, and it’s the responsibility of each person to keep their list up to date. And when the shopping happens, gift-givers quietly delete items so others don’t duplicate their gift!
NAME
Updated: (be sure to make a note here when you make changes to your list!)
$1-$5 Gifts: Your categories may differ, depending on the ages in your family and your personal budgets. We have to consider young children, teenagers, college students, and adults of all sorts.
$5-$15 Gifts: If you have specific items in mind, you might include links to places these might be found. Many in our families are avid readers, so we often have lists of books here – and links to Amazon.com or Thriftbooks.com to make it easy
$15-$30 Gifts: Grown-up level
Big Gifts: Because you never know when someone might find a great deal, or several people collaborate
Crafts, Work, and Services: Busy people may appreciate help with a particular hard-to-schedule need. One of Hal’s hopes last year was for help replacing our garage door – and two of our adult sons came over and made a weekend project of it!
Help! My Son Cries About Every Little Thing! – MBFLP 272
Nov 10, 2021
A member of our Facebook community asked, “What about boys crying?” There have been people who said it’s unmanly to cry, and discouraged or even disciplined their sons for crying – ever. On the other hand, some say it’s less than human to hold back the tears – so we should allow or encourage our sons to freely express everything. But what’s the Biblical balance here? Does the Scripture have anything to say about men who cry? And how should that inform our parenting toward our sons?
Scriptures We Referenced
Isaiah 8:20 – To the law and to the testimony! If they do not speak according to this word, it is because there is no light in them.
Examples of Strong Godly Men Who Cried
John 11:35 – Jesus wept.
Matthew 26:74-75 – Then [Peter] began to curse and swear, saying, “I do not know the Man!” Immediately a rooster crowed. And Peter remembered the word of Jesus who had said to him, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” So he went out and wept bitterly.
Philippians 3:17-19 – Brethren, join in following my example, and note those who so walk, as you have us for a pattern. For many walk, of whom I have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are the enemies of the cross of Christ: whose end is destruction, whose god is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame—who set their mind on earthly things. (The apostle Paul)
Reminders There are Times for Both Weeping and Restraint
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 – To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. … A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance … Nehemiah 8:9-10 – And Nehemiah, who was the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to all the people, “This day is holy to the LORD your God; do not mourn nor weep.” For all the people wept, when they heard the words of the Law. Then he said to them, “Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet, and send portions to those for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” Romans 12:15 – Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Proverbs 25:28 – Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.
Holiday Stress – and What We Do About It! – MBFLP 271
Oct 27, 2021
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” the song says … and one of the busiest and most stressful, too! What can we do to maintain the spirit of celebration while the season’s demands pile on top of our already-full lives? What practical steps can we take to lighten the load and get the really important things done? As the homeschooling parents of eight kids, starting and running a business from home at the same time, trust us – we’ve been there. Join us in this special edition where we talk about the realities of homeschooling, home business, and the holidays!
Holidays are Opportunities
The Bible has some holidays which were commandments, at least to the Israelites. God gave the ceremonies of Passover and told the people that when they came to the promised land, “you shall observe this thing as an ordinance for you and your sons forever.” (Exodus 12:24) Why was that? “It shall be as a sign to you … and as a memorial …” (Exodus 13:9). There are questions and answers expected so the elders pass on their faith to the younger generations –
“Remember the days of old, consider the years of many generations. Ask your father, and he will show you; your elders, and they will tell you …” (Deuteronomy 32:7)
Even though we don’t have a Biblical commandment to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas, they are opportunities to connect our families — and ourselves — with the goodness of God in His provision for life now and life hereafter!
[For good measure, consider when the exiles returned to rebuild Jerusalem and celebrated the recovery of the Law. After a marathon reading of the Word of God, the governor Nehemiah told the people, “Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet, and send portions to those for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10)]
The challenge to us is to be sure to focus on the message, and not be overwhelmed by the daily responsibilities and the seasonal additions!
(continued …)
Think About Priorities
Have you seen the illustration of loading rocks and gravel into a big container? The only way to maximize what fits is to load the biggest things first, then smaller ones to fill in the gaps. Your daily (weekly, monthly) plan is the same way – you need to consider the most important, top-priority matters first, and fit them into your schedule before the secondary things.
And in a season when you need to be sure your children and your family hear the good news of the Messiah’s birth and really think about God’s mercies and provision over the past year … maybe it’s not as critical to do every single worksheet in the curriculum every day. Sometimes you can bring holiday-related subjects into the schoolwork (baking and cooking is a great way to work on weights and measures and fractions; Charles Dickens and George MacDonald can provide reading materials; personalized greeting cards are good handwriting practice!)
Listen in for more thoughts and ideas that can make your holiday season less anxious and more joyful this year!
We adults may feel like we’re under stress all the time, but we can’t overlook the fact that our kids are suffering, too! Last episode we talked about how we respond when we’re confronted with uncertainty and unpleasant news. How can we help our kids deal with the disruptions of life on their level?
Lest We Forget
Parents have had to make a lot of adjustments the past two years. Our kids are dealing with some of the same issues, from their own perspective. That may be school closures or other changes in their educational routines. It may be uncertainty over adult issues, like lost of employment, quarantines, or restrictions on travel or social gatherings. Even if everything comes from the same root cause, like the pandemic, its impact will be felt differently from one family to the next — and from one family member to the next.
Over the years, we’ve had a share of uncertainty and unhappy events — medical emergencies, job changes, relocations, disrupted plans. With a large family, and one that travels with us most of the time, we had to realize that we couldn’t hide much from the kids. It seemed better to us to share our concerns, in child-sized portions, so they could understand why things were “wrong” right then.
Our kids are not clones
We need to remember that our kids are individuals – maybe with a lot of commonalities, but still with their own approach to the world around them. A quiet child may be full of turmoil inside, while the noisy one may actually be calmer after venting all his drama. Consider that, as you answer and counsel the outspoken child, other siblings may be listening and learning without asking. Just don’t overlook the ones who aren’t “in your face”!
Younger kids need reassurance. Are Mom and Dad going to be here for me? Do they have a plan to deal with things? Are they safely in charge still?
Teenagers can often step into some adult roles. We found that in moments of crisis, our teens were able to pick up some of their parents’ concerns — running errands, doing more household tasks, taking more responsibility for themselves and their younger brothers and sisters.
Watch out for the middle kids, though. Often they are old enough to understand some of the needs, but too young to do much to help. It can be very frustrating for them! Look for tasks they can do, even if they’re not major burdens to the adults. Your middle school kids are likely to be much more capable than you think (check out our book No Longer Little for more ideas and encouragement!).
What happens when the pressure’s relieved? Count on it – family members which have “held it together” for the team while the crisis is underway, will often come unglued when the emergency is over. It’s best to plan on some time to re-adjust to “normal” when you’ve been through a time of stress. Give yourself and everyone around you an extra measure of grace – a heaping serving of it, in fact. If you expect there to be a time of transition, you can move into it with some care – rather than experiencing “explosive decompression” that causes problems for everyone!
Passages We Referenced
Romans 8:28 – And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Matthew 10:29-31 (Jesus) – “Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”
Galatians 6:2 – Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
James 1:2-4 – My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
A Special Thank You to Our Network Sponsor: Courageous Movie
From the Kendrick Brothers, creators of the No. 1 box-office movie WAR ROOM and OVERCOMER, comes the remastered re-release of COURAGEOUS Legacy, in theaters September 24. Celebrating 10 years of impact on families and fathers, this updated version of the film includes new scenes and an enhanced look and sound.
Filled with action-packed drama, COURAGEOUS Legacy will once again have viewers laughing, crying, and cheering as they are challenged and inspired by everyday heroes who long to be the kinds of dads that make a lifelong impact on their children. Protecting the streets is second nature to these men. Raising their children in a God-honoring way? That’s courageous.
Dealing with Stressful News – MBFLP 269
Sep 20, 2021
Some things are unquestionable, life-changing moments – an unexpected death in the family, a natural disaster, a major accident. But what about things which just show up and disrupt everything? The smaller emergencies which aren’t big enough to awaken heroism, but are big enough to bring out all our doubts, fears, frustrations, and temper? The “breaking news” which could be really unpleasant, but you can’t be sure?
We’ve dealt with this – frequently, and even recently! So this episode, we’re talking about some practical ways to meet stressful news with calmness and faith … even if it takes a few minutes to make the adjustment!
Passages We Referenced
Matthew 10:29-31 (Jesus): “Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”
Philippians 4:6 – Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God
Romans 8:28 – And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Books We Mentioned
Judith Viorst, The Tenth Good Thing About Barney.This is a great children’s book about remembering the good things in the middle of sad times. It’s easy to get overwhelmed in the stress of the moment, and forget that happiness is real just like sorrow – and life will have some of both.
Eleanor H. Porter, Pollyanna – check out the audiobook version narrated by Melanie!The book is much better than the Disney version (more clearly Biblical, for one thing), and funny as well as thought-provoking. Even our teenaged sons enjoyed it, though the main character is a young girl at the time. Important lessons about always finding a reason to rejoice, even in difficulty.
NEXT TIME
Helping your kids through stressful times …
UPDATE –
We mentioned that our van broke down on a speaking trip in July, and at the time of recording, had been in the shop for several weeks waiting on an engine replacement. We’re glad to say that the van is now repaired and back home – thank you for your prayers and support!
A Special Thank You to Our Network Sponsor: Courageous Movie
From the Kendrick Brothers, creators of the No. 1 box-office movie WAR ROOM and OVERCOMER, comes the remastered re-release of COURAGEOUS Legacy, in theaters September 24. Celebrating 10 years of impact on families and fathers, this updated version of the film includes new scenes and an enhanced look and sound.
Filled with action-packed drama, COURAGEOUS Legacy will once again have viewers laughing, crying, and cheering as they are challenged and inspired by everyday heroes who long to be the kinds of dads that make a lifelong impact on their children. Protecting the streets is second nature to these men. Raising their children in a God-honoring way? That’s courageous.
Encouraging More Edifying Speech – MBFLP 268
Sep 13, 2021
The Bible says a lot about the power of the tongue – the question for us is, how do we train and encourage our families to speak in a more gracious and edifying way, when the culture around us grows more unkind and profane every day?
First step – “Lord, is it me?”
Never underestimate the power of our example – whether intended or not! Our children learn from the pattern they observe. If we want our kids to speak with kindness, compassion, and love, we need to model that behavior in our own speech!
Remember the Biblical example is the best example. Give our children a Scriptural understanding of loving and gracious speech. If you have to correct some bad language, then call it by Biblical terms. If it’s unkind, unloving, or mocking, call it what it is.
Explain the cultural part – why speech might be inappropriate in some places but allowed in others. Sometimes the same statement would be acceptable in certain circumstances but totally wrong in another. Part of kindness and courtesy is understanding the sensitivities of other people and adjusting our behavior to show them respect.
How to hold them accountable
Coaching is an important tool. Children aren’t naturally aware of other people’s perceptions, and often they’re not self-aware of their expressions, body language, or tone. When we feel like reacting to their words, it’s good to take a breath and address the words calmly. In many cases, they don’t intend the message we receive. Help them understand why, for example, the tone of voice or the attitude that’s allowable between playmates or siblings would be … unhelpful … with parents or other adults.
Then if correction or discipline is needed, take care of it. Just be sure that you understand what they intended to communicate … and be sure they understand why their communication was unacceptable. (And make sure the situation is calmed down enough that they’re teachable – remember that “discipline” comes from the same root word as “disciple,” and the goal should be instruction, not just punishment!)
Scripture We Referenced
James 3:3-6, 8-10 – Indeed we put bits in horses’ mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. … But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. Ephesians 4:32 – And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.Matthew 12:34-37 (Jesus:) “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things. But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
Is There a Topic You’d Like Us to Discuss?
A Special Thank You to Our Network Sponsor: Show Me The Father Movie
The Kendrick Brothers, creators of WAR ROOM and FIREPROOF, have some exciting news to share: they have TWO films coming to theaters this fall—SHOW ME THE FATHER on September 10 and COURAGEOUS Legacy on September 24.
Featuring a variety of amazing, true stories, the Kendrick Brothers’ new feature film SHOW ME THE FATHER takes audiences on an inspiring and emotional cinematic journey. Their first documentary film has something for everyone and invites you to think differently about how you view your earthly father story and also how you personally relate to God.
“Potty Mouth” – Big Deal or Not? – MBFLP 267
Sep 03, 2021
“What should I do about my kids’ ‘potty mouth’?” asked a young father in our church. Learning appropriate behavior and speech patterns is part of socialization, but is there a bigger issue than being “socially acceptable”?
Society has become more tolerant of bad language
Society itself isn’t a reliable guide. In the 1970s the comedian George Carlin had a risque nightclub routine, “The Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television,” which indulged in “transgressive” self-expression.
In 2017, psychologist Jean Twenge and colleagues did a study of books published in the U.S. between 1950 and 2008, using George Carlin’s list of socially unacceptable words – and they found that “Readers of books in the late 2000s were 28 times more likely than those in the early 1950s to come across one of the ‘seven words …’” (link below)
And that is just in a limited channel of the print medium. Carlin’s routine wouldn’t mean as much today, as cable television and pay-per-view has normalized much of what would have been blocked from the broadcast media back then.
What does the Scripture say?
Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
– Ephesians 4:29 – “corrupt” in the Greek means rotten, putrid, bad, unfit for use
But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.
– Ephesians 5:3-4
Do not be deceived; “Evil company corrupts good habits.“
– 1 Corinthians 15:33
But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth …
– Colossians 3:8
The question of “bad words” isn’t about a checklist but about an attitude
“For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things. But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
“What makes you think you’re qualified to homeschool?”
That’s one of the frequently asked questions, isn’t it? And if nobody in your family, church, or neighborhood asks — you’ll probably ask yourself. Don’t you have to have a teacher’s certificate to really be a teacher? Shouldn’t you go to college and get an education degree first? Or is the credential less important for a homeschool than a classroom?
This episode, we’re taking a listener’s question and talking about homeschooling with confidence – without specialized training or professional certification. We did it, and you can too!
Do you have a question or a suggestion to share?
We’d love to hear from you! Call our Listener Response Line and leave a message, and maybe we can answer your questions in a future episode!
The lessons are taught the traditional way, not to a “test”.
Each one of the video tutorials is taught by an internationally acclaimed teacher, Pat Murray, who is renowned for teaching math concepts in a simple, easy-to-understand way (and in only a few minutes at a time). Using a multi-sensory approach having the combination of effective graphics and animation synchronized with the voice of a friendly teacher together with practical assessment. This three-pronged attack makes learning so much easier and more effective. Even students who struggled with math are getting fantastic results! And ones who were doing OK before are now doing brilliantly.
Homeschooling or School-at-Home – Day to Day – MBFLP 265-2
Jul 20, 2021
Continuing our comparison of true homeschooling with the school-at-home model! Let’s talk about how independent home education looks different day-to-day, and why duplicating the schoolroom experience at home is more stressful, less efficient, and a lot less fun than charting a new, freer pathway to learning and exploring together.
A Fundamental Distinction
A lot of what happens in the classroom is due to the dynamics of that situation. The teacher has to consider twenty or twenty-five students, of all different gifts or needs, coming from a range of family and educational backgrounds, but all funneled into the same classroom, same book, same tests. The whole process of extra worksheets, frequent testing, homework, and report cards happens because that single teacher can’t focus as much attention on each child as she might — and the parents don’t know what happens in the schoolroom unless she communicates it home in some way.
How much of that applies to a homeschool, where the teacher has known the students from birth, and the parents are well aware of how their students are doing because there’s a parent-teacher conference at every meal?
Homeschooling, or School-at-Home? – MBFLP 265-1
Jul 12, 2021
Is this “homeschooling” or is it “school-at-home”? Is there a difference?
Many families have experienced public school from a remote location this year — and some districts are calling it “homeschooling.” But most homeschooling veterans will tell you there is a world of difference between independent, parent-led education, and taking public school classes with public school curriculum, online. Hint: The location – obviously enough – is not the distinction!
In two episodes, Hal and Melanie talk about the substantial differences between the two concepts, how they operate differently on a day-to-day basis, and why that’s crucially important for your family.
NEWS OF INTEREST
“New state figures released Thursday show North Carolina’s estimated home-school population grew by more than 30,000 children during the 2020-21 school year — a 20.6% increase from the prior year. … ”
Thinking About Homeschooling – Things to Consider – MBFLP 264-2
Jul 05, 2021
Are you one of the thousands of families just beginning homeschooling – or thinking seriously about it this year? Surveys say that over one and a quarter million students aren’t returning to public schools, and the number of homeschooling families doubled between April and October last year. This episode, we continue our conversation about our own decision to homeschool – this time, thinking about unexpected lessons we learned along the way, and things you may want to consider making your own decision!
1:25 – “Homeschooling is bigger in the inside”
2:15 – A different model than the modern classroom
3:50 – The efficiency of homeschooling – even with several grade levels
5:38 – Why “difficult” and “unpleasant” isn’t “better”
7:50 – What about finding the perfect curriculum
9:43 – Why “the way it’s done” in classrooms isn’t helpful for homeschooling
10:55 – But can homeschooled kids make it to college?
13:20 – Watching friends who homeschooled and others in public school
14:35 – How long should you expect each day?
15:56 – The reason you begin homeschooling may not be the reason you continue homeschooling
16:30 – Homeschooling and family relationships
18:00 – Some free resources
SCRIPTURE
“And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” – Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (NKJV)
ARTICLES
Homeschooling on the Rise During COVID-19 Pandemic Census Bureau’s Household Pulse Survey Shows Significant Increase in Homeschooling Rates in Fall 2020 By Casey Eggleston and Jason Fields – U.S. Census Bureau – 22 March 2021
We’ll be speaking and exhibiting at the Chattanooga Home School Expo at Camp Jordan, East Ridge, Tennessee – July 16-17, 2021 – sponsored by the Chattanooga Southeast Tennessee Home Educators Association.
Thinking About Homeschooling – How We Decided – MBFLP 264-1
Jun 29, 2021
One of the unexpected results of the COVID-19 pandemic is an explosion of interest in homeschooling. Researchers say the number of homeschooling families doubled between April and October of 2020, and at least 1.3 million students didn’t return to the public school system in the fall. Are you a new homeschooler? Or are you thinking about trying it for the first time this year? This episode, Hal and Melanie are talking about how they made that decision – maybe for the same reasons you are!
REFERENCES
Homeschooling on the Rise During COVID-19 Pandemic Census Bureau’s Household Pulse Survey Shows Significant Increase in Homeschooling Rates in Fall 2020 By Casey Eggleston and Jason Fields – U.S. Census Bureau – 22 March 2021
“In the first week (April 23-May 5, 2020) of Phase 1 of the Household Pulse Survey, about 5.4% of U.S. households with school-aged children reported homeschooling .
By fall, 11.1% of households with school-age children reported homeschooling (Sept. 30-Oct. 12, 2020). A clarification was added to the school enrollment question to make sure households were reporting true homeschooling rather than virtual learning through a public or private school.
That change represents an increase of 5.6 percentage points and a doubling of U.S. households that were homeschooling at the start of the 2020-2021 school year compared to the prior year.”
“America’s public school system lost almost 1.3 million students this year, according to an Education Week analysis of state data. The loss was spread out across the nation, touching almost every demographic group and concentrated in lower grades. It will likely have academic, financial and staffing repercussions for years to come.”
Are you in eastern Tennessee or northern Georgia?
We’ll be speaking and exhibiting at the Chattanooga Home School Expo at Camp Jordan, East Ridge, Tennessee – July 16-17, 2021 – sponsored by the Chattanooga Southeast Tennessee Home Educators Association.
Teens, Preteens, and Social Anxiety – MBFLP 263
May 21, 2021
One of the hallmarks of adolescent behavior is social awkwardness, often to the point of anxiety. That’s true in the best of times! Yet here we are after a year of pandemic alarms, mandates, and “abundance of caution,” and you may be finding your young people are not eager to begin seeing people outside the family again. What can we do to help our teens and preteens resume normal, healthy interactions?
We’ll be speaking at the Thrive! Conference (North Carolinians for Home Education) in Winston-Salem, N.C., on May 27-29, 2021. We’re speaking four times on Thursday and Friday, on parenting pre-teens, helping your struggling learners in high school and college, the challenges of boys and media, and what you can achieve academically with a more relaxed homeschooling approach. And our booth is in the usual spot on the upper level of the book fair!
We’ll also be part of the Homeschooling With Confidence: Unstoppableonline event hosted by Home Educators Association of Virginia (HEAV.org). This is going to be a different sort of online event with more interaction with the speakers and with other attendees – we’re looking forward something special with this one!
Ecclesiastes says that “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” (Eccl 3:1) Yet young women are being told that they can and should do all things right now. They’re being urged to set their priorities by the culture’s values instead of their own – unless their priority is “Me first!”
In this special presentation to a mothers’ group in Winnsboro, Louisiana, Melanie offers an encouraging perspective on the opportunities and special needs at different stages of our children’s lives, and the critical contribution that a mother can make in each of those times.
Upcoming Events
We’ll be speaking at two conferences this month:
May 6-8, 2021 Teach Them Diligently – Mobile, AL
May 27-29, 2021 Thrive! Conference (North Carolinians for Home Education) – Winston-Salem, NC
If you’re there, come by our booth and say hello! And if you’d like to see us at your nearby event, let them hear from you!
Effective Discipline for Teens – MBFLP 261
Mar 05, 2021
A reader writes, “I need suggestions how to discipline my 14-year-old son.” She’s finding out what we all discover – if you try to discipline your 14-year-old like he was still six, you’re likely to have a fight on your hands! So what do you do with this young person who’s growing so tall, but still needs a lot of guidance and discipleship?
It’s more than behavior management
With younger kids, a great deal of our training is behavior – “Don’t tease the cat,” “Don’t touch the stove,” “Stop hitting your brother!” Tedd Tripp points out that Ephesians 6:1 is fundamental for the younger set: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
And external behavior is important – that’s what hurts others and damages things! But as they move into the early teen years, our children need more coaching and discipleship to reach their deepest need – the condition of their heart. They need to be confronted with Right and Wrong in a larger sense than, “Honor your father and your mother.” When they realize their failing and sin, they are more likely to grasp their need for a Savior!
And when we recognize that their behavior is more than “You’re on my nerves!” but something rooted on their human fallenness … maybe we can be a little more compassionate and not as quick to react.
As they change, we should too
A lot of parent-teen relationships are strained or broken because parents don’t adapt to their young person’s changes. When they reach adolescence, they’re not kids any more! We need to understand they aren’t the little ones we’ve raised so far, but young adults-in-training. We can’t just continue the old discipline models and expect the same response. Appropriate correction for a four-year-old is humiliating, at best, to a 14-year-old.
More and more, we need to move our discipline to adult responses. What does that look like?
Well, consider what happens when we make a mistake or cause an offense as an adult. Are we sent to stand with our nose in the corner until we say we’re sorry? Does our boss or pastor or neighbor give us a sharp swat on the hand? Of course not. Instead, we are likely to experience “natural consequences.”
Gilbert and Sullivan’s comic operetta The Mikado includes the chorus, “Let the punishment fit the crime!” Humor aside, that’s actually quite Biblical. Over and over again in Scripture, you see principles of repentance followed by restitution. We use this as a guide with our teens – if you break it, you fix it – whether it’s a broken toy or a damaged relationship. It’s a hard lesson, but we impress on them that being an adult sometimes means we accept responsibility for things that aren’t strictly our fault. Maybe something happened by accident, or someone took offense by misunderstanding – we still need to step up and try to make things right.
Occasionally the problem isn’t actual sin but rather just high spirits or too much energy. Maybe they really are on your nerves, and that’s most of the problem!
How did Coach handle it?
Sometimes the best correction is just to work it off. How did your high school coach handle it if you were goofing off during practice? What did your drill instructor do at boot camp if you weren’t putting your back into the job?
A bit of strenuous exertion can be a lifesaver here! “Drop and give me ten!” – a call for some push-ups is a good manly punishment for a minor but irritating infraction. You can have them run up and down the stairs, or laps around the back yard. Ask Dad for advice, since he’s probably received similar correction in his time! It’s not offensive or demeaning, but it can use up some energy and help your son focus again.
It’s not supposed to be easy or fun. Hebrews 12:11 says,
Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
But the most critical thing to remember is the foundation you’re laying for the long term. What sort of relationship are you building with your teenager?
Our relationship with God is more than just crime-and-punishment – that’s part of it and unavoidable, but it’s not the full relationship. If that’s all we know of our heavenly Father, there’s a lot that’s missing!
Likewise with our kids. Of course we’ll have times of conflict or confrontation, but the question will remain – what sort of relationship do we have now, and what sort are we building for tomorrow? … Tune in for practical applications!
A reader asked, “What can you do about accident-prone kids who always seem to be breaking things?”
“Uh oh …”
We’ve all heard the dreadful sound from the next room – or the sharp crash of breaking glass – or the muffled whump in another part of the house. All kids will have moments of clumsiness, carelessness, or foolishness, that result in something getting broken or someone getting hurt – that’s just normal childhood. But some kids seem to leave a path of destruction in their wake – what do you do about them?
Let’s say up front that we’re not talking about kids who are suffering from trauma, illness, or developmental conditions that lead to destructive behavior – that’s a different situation altogether. We have friends who deal with these things on a daily basis, and they are walking a different path.
But what about your average, healthy, otherwise normal kid who you’d think would know better? How do you deal with them?
First thing …
One of our basic rules of parenting is Don’t Freak Out. We don’t respond at our best when we leap to reaction. It may help to remind ourselves that this world is not our ultimate home and all its things are passing away (1 Corinthians 7:31). All our stuff is actually God’s stuff, and we are just stewards and managers of it for Him (Psalm 24:1).
That’s not easy advice, but it’s true – right? Take a breath, and pray for perspective.
Next step, Triage the situation. Not only answering the question, “What just broke here?” but rather, “Why did something just happen?”
We find there are three basic profiles – (continued … )
Three scenarios
The angry child who acts from rage or malice. This is the one who intentionally hurts someone or damages something, or the one who fails to control his temper and lashes out blindly. This is upsetting but it’s rooted in clear sinful behavior, and you can respond along those lines. Repentance and restitution are the goals here.
The truly innocent child. This one honestly didn’t intend any trouble, and wasn’t inviting it by foolish or careless behavior. In other words, they aren’t to blame – something they did may have triggered a problem, but they didn’t cause it by neglect or malice. He needs to express sympathy and concern, and even apologize; you may need to convince him that an apology isn’t always an admission of guilt! We try to see this as a multi-victim event – both the one who was injured, and the one who stumbled and caused it. Mercy is our first reaction, and then training in responsibility – if you knock it over, you need to pick it up, even if you didn’t do it on purpose.
The careless child. This is the child who loses school books, forgets to close the gate, or leaves his brother’s bike out in the rain. They aren’t malicious but they are inattentive! It’s important to remember that irresponsible behavior is not the same as rebellion – our response needs to be different. Irresponsibility should bring natural consequences – like replacing a lost book with his own money. It’s appropriate to use these events to remind them to concentrate and pay attention (even while we privately admit they aren’t very good at this at the moment).
And then …
Once we understand what’s motivated the incident, we can respond in a way that will be just and will protect our relationship with the child. Our children are not cookies, so a cookie-cutter approach won’t respect their individual needs, fears, weaknesses, and strengths!
If you have a middle school student and you’re wondering why they are the way they are (you know what we mean), check out our book No Longer Little: Parenting Tweens with Grace and Hope. You can find it on our website here.
Helping Dad Connect With The Kids – MBFLP 259
Feb 22, 2021
A reader asks: “How can we help dads connect with their kids?”
Moms seem to naturally connect with little ones – even before they’re born! It’s not so easy for dads, though. More than one has said, “I can’t communicate with this baby – I’ll let Mama handle it until he’s six or seven, and can understand me.”
That may be common but it’s unnecessary and really, it’s giving up precious time in your child’s life. It’s true, you’ll have a different relationship when they reach that age, but that’s true for every age – and the longer you put off your child, the harder it might become to build bridges later.
So what can be done about it?
First off, don’t let it become a source of contention between husband and wife. If she raises the issue, he needs to step back a bit and ask, “Lord, is it true?” rather than getting defensive.
Recognize that “connecting” isn’t magic and mystical – it’s just a matter of spending time and interacting with your kids.
Train yourself to be intentional about “dad time.” Hal used to de-compress on the commute home, trying to mentally close the office door behind him and re-focus his mind on his roles of husband and father when he got home. That’s not obvious when you’re working from home, though – you have to remind yourself to step away from work and notice your family around you.
Practice some self-denial. The world really plays on our natural desire for our own needs and interests. Certainly there’s a need for some rest and recuperation just to keep yourself healthy and strong! But being available for your children’s needs means your own will have to wait sometimes. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit – it should not surprise us that we don’t naturally abound in it! (continued … )
Disciple Like Jesus Did
Take your kids along when you can. The American theologian Jonathan Edwards had eleven kids and responsibility for several churches in colonial New England. Whenever he traveled to another village, he took a child along. Even when they’re very little, Dad can bring along the baby or the toddler when he runs an errand. Take the opportunity to talk with them about what you’re doing – even if they can’t talk back, they’ll grow accustomed to your voice and they’ll learn more than you realize!
Invite your kids into your work. Men seem to communicate better shoulder-to-shoulder – working together on some project. Whatever task comes to hand, ask one of your kids to join you – “Come on, let’s change the oil on the car,” or “Let me show you how to unstop a toilet.” Allow for additional time and distraction; it won’t be as efficient as doing the job solo, but it’s important time for training and relationship. What if they’re not interested? Keep asking, and sometimes, don’t give them the option – just bring them.
Jesus trained His disciples this way – He lived and worked with them, and He explained and asked and answered questions as they came alongside Him in ministry.
And don’t be shy about inviting yourself into their world, either. “Hey there – whatcha building?” “I haven’t read that book – what do you think about it?” Initiate conversations! Ask open ended questions. Assume that they can understand and respond, and see if you can draw them out.
Remember that you can’t schedule a heart’s opening – you have to be there when they’re ready to share. That means the time you invest simply being with your children and interacting with them will open doors and opportunities for deeper conversation and counsel.
Make the Most of Uncertain Times – MBFLP 258
Jan 28, 2021
“How do I encourage my young men to look forward to the future?”
In part 1, we talked about the reality of uncertainty as a part of every time and every life, though the immediate upheaval is a very real and very disruptive event! (see episode 257, “Making Sense of Uncertain Times”)
But how can we provide some practical help to young men whose plans for college, work, nnd relationships have been upended and put on indefinite hold? What can we do as parents to help them make the most of these uncertain times?
Remember the pandemic hits everybody differently. People in stable relationships with established careers may be better able to adjust to the disruptions than young men who are just at the starting point.
Young single adults may be feeling real isolation and loneliness. They may appreciate more contact with family, in real life or online. Reach out! And plan to listen – they may be missing people they can talk through their concerns with.
A new socialization problem
Encourage them to be inventive about socializing online. We have young adult friends who have organized online prayer meetings, held conference calls for fellowship, connected through video gaming platforms, and more. Some video conferencing programs offer service for small groups for free, and messaging apps like Skype and Signal can be used for several people in a call.
If your teens don’t have a social media account, now may be the time to train them how to use it wisely. Social media has its pitfalls, for certain, but it is possible to use it for God-honoring purposes. Your teens will be expected to have some social media savvy when they leave your home; it’s widely used in business and academia as well as peer-to-peer. What better time to coach your teens than right now, while they’re still at home and open to guidance?
For kids too young for social media accounts, we may want to use ours to facilitate fellowship for them and their friends. It’s worth remembering that our online friendships may be part of our own coping mechanisms; our younger kids may not have that connection for themselves. Maybe you can set up a game meeting, a virtual tea party, or some other way for the elementary and middle school kids to interact … with supervision.
Realize that all our social skills may be rusty – your young people may need encouragement and coaching when they can resume meeting people in person.
Parents and people in a more stable situation may be able to provide perspective. If we aren’t in the throes of the uncertainty faced by our sons, we may be able to think of alternatives and options that they haven’t considered yet. We also may be able to point out that life doesn’t end at 25 or 30 — in fact, the most productive and effective part of their lives and careers is very likely years in the future still. A few months delay at 18 or 23 is not going to stop the world for them!
Some practical ideas to consider: Start a business. Start something online. Begin writing the book you wanted to write. Read up a subject and take a CLEP exam for college credit. None of this has to be permanent or long term, but any of them will encourage you to be active, keep thinking, and avoid just giving up!
Give them hope! Your sons need encouragement and they need the benefit of your experience and your ideas. Remind them this is a just a passing time in their lives and it will soon be past. Rather than despairing, they can make the most of the opportunities they have in these uncertain days!
Making Sense of Uncertain Times – MBFLP 257
Jan 26, 2021
How can we encourage our young adult sons to look forward to the future?
A listener asked the question, considering the wide-ranging effects of the pandemic response. What can we say or do to give hope to our young adults, when everything seems to have a roadblock? What do we do when college is reduced to online classes, when social opportunities are severely restricted, and many entry-level jobs aren’t hiring?
First, we need to recognize our sons’ struggles may be very different from our own. Those of us in stable relationships, with family surrounding us and our careers well underway, will weather the storm very differently than the young man who is just starting out.
They need our understanding and sympathy. That’s only Biblical – Romans 12:15 tells us to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” Put yourself in his place – how would you feel if suddenly high school graduation wasn’t going to happen, and college would likely be video classes like the last semester of high school, and the great adventure of moving out and meeting new people was postponed indefinitely? It would be disappointing and disorienting, at best. Your son doesn’t have your perspective to give him some balance and patience!
Consider that when Jesus went to the tomb of His friend Lazarus, He wept. Even though He was about to bring Lazarus back from the dead, Jesus could share the immediate grief of the sisters. Surely we can be sympathetic to our sons’ worries before we try to fix them!
We have perspective they (probably) don’t
This may be the first time your young adult had a total upheaval of long-held plans. It may feel like the end of the world to them. Those of us who have experienced sudden job loss or a health crisis might be able to say, “It’s not just the present trouble – there’s a certain amount of uncertainty in LIFE.” Times of greater or lesser disruption will come, but there are no guarantees about the next day’s plan (James 4:14). In fact, our response to difficult times reveals our character.
In uncertain times, God intends us to keep going. When the Jews were taken away to Babylon, God acknowledged the disruption but told them to keep on with life – build houses, plant gardens, get married, raise families, and pray for the peace of their place of captivity (Jeremiah 29:4-7). Jesus described the end times (in Matthew 24) as master leaving on a journey and returning unexpectedly – he wants to find his servants watchful but working!
Uncertainty is a part of life, by God’s design – but He wants us to trust Him and keep on doing the best we know how!
Resources We Mentioned
Romans 12:15 – Weep with those who weep
John 11:1-44 – Jesus wept
James 4:13-15 – You do not know what will happen tomorrow; for what is your life? It is even a vapor …
Jeremiah 29:4-7 – God’s instructions to the Jews in Babylon to live as normally as possible – even as captives and exiles!
Matthew 24:3-47 – Jesus describes the end times and suggests we should keep working until He comes!
Gary Smalley, If Only He Knew (the marriage book Hal mentioned)
The Foundations of Education – A Conversation with Ken Ham – MBFLP 256
Jan 16, 2021
As we bring up our children in the training and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4), how can we confidently address the hot button issues in our culture? When the world says humanity is a cosmic accident, society is nothing but structures of oppression, and personal autonomy and self-identification are the highest good – how do we respond?
In part two of our conversation with Ken Ham, founder of Answers in Genesis and author of the new book Will They Stand, we talked about how our educational choices for our children have a major, critical impact on their spiritual development and training.
Only Two Options
We talked at length about forming a worldview – the lens through which you see and interpret the world around you. Ken uses the example of building a house. “You don’t build a house by starting with the roof and walls,” he said, “you start with the foundation.” He said that 95% of children in Christian homes are being taught in the public school system, where they are told that all things have a naturalistic cause and explanation – “which is atheism,” he pointed out. All week they are taught a philosophy and worldview which is not just un-Christian but actively hostile to Christian teaching. Then on Sunday we attempt to teach them about Jesus and Christian doctrines.
“We try to put the roof and walls on a foundation that won’t make that structure stand,” he said. “And we wonder why they leave the church, and build a new structure based on secular thinking.”
“Ultimately we have to understand there are only two foundations to build your way of thinking. You start from God’s Word, [God] Who knows everything. That’s the only way to come to right conclusions about anything, is starting from Someone who knows everything, Who’s given us the key information we need. The Bible is a revelation from God giving us [that] key information.
“If you don’t start from God’s Word, there is only one other starting point — that’s man’s word.”
Answers in Genesis is best known for its presentation of Biblical, young-earth creationism. But Ken explained that so many of the “giants” our children will face, the most controversial issues in the public arena, are addressed in the first eleven chapters of Genesis – the act of Creation is only the first part.
“How do you teach your children about marriage? The gender issue? The abortion issue?” he asked. “You’ve got to start with Genesis 1 through 11. If you don’t have Genesis 1 through 11 as the foundation, you can’t build the structure.”
Just on the example of marriage, Ken pointed out that Genesis 1:27 and 2:24 demonstrates God’s design for gender, marriage, and family, and when Jesus was asked about marriage and divorce, He referred back to those passages – without hedging or apology. When Paul deal with relationships between the husband and wife, he did the same. God’s word is clear, and we can stand on it with confidence.
God also gave instructions to His people on teaching their children, Ken said – in Deuteronomy 6. “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and you shall talk of them [God’s words] when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” (v. 7)
“Education is not just an hour or two that you do on Sunday,” he said. “Education is twenty-four hours a day. …
“In 100% of what you do, you are teaching your children.”
In the first part of this interview (episode 255, “Building a Legacy”) we talked with Ken about the importance of being intentional in teaching and training our children to know and love Christ. Our personal example is crucial; so is the educational system we chose to occupy so many hours of our children’s lives. As Ken says in Will They Stand, “You will leave a legacy … the question is, what kind?”
Building a Legacy – A Conversation with Ken Ham – MBFLP 255
Jan 13, 2021
Welcome to the new year! Glad as we may be to see the old year passing, the challenges to our families never change. As the world around us becomes more hostile to Christian teaching, how do we prepare our children to walk in faith when they leave our home? What sort of foundation can we lay to give them a base to stand on?
We kick off our 2021 season with a conversation with Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis. Ken is famous for defending Biblical creationism and the historicity of Genesis, but he also writes and speaks on family issues. His book Already Gone looked at why children and young adults leave the faith they grew up in. A second book, Already Compromised, examines how colleges and universities drift away from their foundations, too, and how parents should guide their children’s educational choices after high school.
“Parenting Kids to Face the Giants”
But his newest book is a more personal account of how parents can build a godly legacy in their family. Will They Standshares the importance of raising strong believers from childhood forward, preparing them to hold fast against a hostile culture outside the home and the church.
<id=”nextpart”>In the first half of this two-part interview, we talk with Ken about the foundation his father laid for him and his siblings, then how Ken and his wife Mally have kept Biblical principles central to their family. He centers his argument on a constant, intentional approach with an eye to future generations:
“Please understand that you too will leave a legacy to the generations to follow. They may not build memorials to you, and it’s unlikely that they will place signs outside of the place of your birth … but what you leave behind will forever impact the hearts and souls of those in your family and beyond. You will leave a legacy; the only question is what kind of legacy it will be.” (from the book, p. 63)
Passages and Resources We Mentioned
Ephesians 6:4 – And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
Psalm 78:5 – For he [God] established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children
2 Timothy 3:15 – from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus
Colossians 2:2-3 – Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge
Biographies for Book Lovers – MBFLP 254-2
Oct 13, 2020
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Finishing up a listener’s question from episode 245, (“What Are You Reading Right Now?”), this episode Hal is talking about some of his favorite biographies, and why he likes reading this special form of history.
Biography is more than just the facts
Some years ago, Hal started reading biographies to learn more about figures in local history. What impressed him was how, when he’d been reading the life stories of men who had faced challenges and lived life with honor, faith, and courage, it started to show up in his own thinking — “How would such-and-such have handled this?”
That shouldn’t come as a surprise, after all. Paul wrote to the believers at Phillipi,
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy — meditate on these things.
(Philippians 4:8, NKJV)
A life well and truly lived will show evidence of these things. What better way to consider them than to observe how other humans have applied them to the struggles of life?
People are complex
A well-written and honest biography will include the facts of the person’s lifetime, as well as the cultural context he or she dealt with. Much of the current “cancel culture” betrays an inability to recognize the good that a person accomplished in spite of their times, instead forcing long-passed people through a filter of 21st century sensibilities. At the same time, an accurate biography will acknowledge the faults and failures of the subject. Humans are highly complex and inconsistent beings, which may prevent us from reaching our best potential as well as hindering us from sinking as low as we might!
An account of someone whose life work has been assessed through the lens of time, whose impact has been seen by the outcomes of his actions and words, can be a powerful encouragement and example to follow — or an earnest warning of ways and ideas to avoid! And that’s why biographies can be good for the character and soul. It’s worth considering!
If you’d like to know more about biographies Hal mentioned, links are here
History for Book Lovers – MBFLP 254-1
Oct 08, 2020
Earlier this year we talked about books and authors the two of us enjoy together (episode 245, “What Are You Reading Right Now?”) and we mentioned that each of us has genres we like personally but separately. A caller on our Listener Response Line reminded us that we hadn’t returned to those books – “You teased us a little bit!” she said – so this week, Hal is sharing some books of history and biography which he’s been reading.
The Value of History
Over half the Bible is historical narrative, and God tells His people to remember the past and talk about it with their children. In Deuteronomy, Moses tells the people:
Remember the days of old, Consider the years of many generations. Ask your father, and he will show you; Your elders, and they will tell you: When the Most High divided their inheritance to the nations, When He separated the sons of Adam, He set the boundaries of the peoples According to the number of the children of Israel.
(Deuteronomy 32:7-8)
The reference to “nations” and “peoples” says this is more than the history of Israel – it’s all of us as “sons of Adam.” When we learn about history, we’re learning how God has guided people and nations over the centuries, with and without their cooperation or consciousness, and we can learn or take warning by their example.
Our own Benjamin Franklin, whatever his personal theology, observed to the Constitutional Convention in 1787, “I have lived, Sir, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth – that God Governs in the affairs of men. And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without his notice, is it probable that an empire can rise without his aid?” (here’s a transcript) … and we know this to be true because it’s in Scripture:
The Most High God rules in the kingdom of men, and appoints over it whomever He chooses.
(Daniel 5:21)
That’s a good thing to remember during this election year! And it’s a good reason to take a look at history, too.
Raising Siblings Without Rivalry – Part 3 – MBFLP 253-3
Sep 18, 2020
Part 3 – Building Friendship Between Your Children
We want our kids to be friends and allies, not rivals and opponents, but that takes some conscious effort. As parents, we can make both the positive and negative efforts to build friendship and avoid tearing it down. How can we prevent harsh feelings between our kids? And better, how can we promote affection and goodwill toward siblings?
Practical Ideas
Remember your kids learn from your example – all the time. If you want to raise kids who are kind, you need to live and speak in kindness at home. They are always watching, even when you don’t think you’re teaching and when they don’t realize they’re learning.
Do your kids really believe there’s justice in your family? Unfair treatment from a parent might be favoritism toward one child – the only girl in a family of boys, the “baby” of the family, or anyone singled out (think about Joseph in the Bible!). It can also be one child who gets blamed for everything – the one who’s “the usual suspect” in every situation. One way we provoke our children (Colossians 3:21) is by jumping to conclusions when there’s trouble between the kids – dig deeper and be sure you’ve dealt with both the reaction and the cause!
Protect their dignity in front of their siblings. We made a point, as much as possible, to correct or discipline children privately, not in front of the family. Don’t give ammunition for teasing, or reason for a child to feel defensive and wary around the family.
Encourage acts of service for siblings – look for ways they can bless one another. Whether it’s offered as an apology for past bad behavior, or an expression of love and kindness just because, cultivate a spirit of thoughtfulness between the kids.
Help them understand and look for others’ point of view. Some kids are thoughtless about how their behavior hurts or offends others. On the other hand, some kids are quick to assume the worst and take offense where none was given. Teach them that intentions are important, but perception and reception are important too and sometimes a bigger problem than the intention!
Suggest activities they’ll want to do together – on the condition they do them together. Bake cookies, provide projects they cooperate on, look for shared experiences and adventures. Shared memories are the ties that draw them together in later life. Often it’s the smaller things
Passages We Referenced
She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. – Proverbs 31:26
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another … – Ephesians 4:32
… be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity. – 1 Timothy 4:12
1 Corinthians 13:1-8 – what love is, and is not
The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression. – Proverbs 19:11
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. – Colossians 3:21 (also Ephesians 6:4)
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or call our Listener Response Line at (919) 295-0321
Raising Siblings Without Rivalry – Part 2 – MBFLP 253-2
Sep 16, 2020
Part 2 – Making Competition Helpful, Not Harmful
When you’ve got more than one child, you are going to have challenges. How can you teach them to play together and enjoy games without the older ones overrunning the younger? We had six boys over a twelve-year span, so we had to figure this out! This episode, we’re talking about some practical ways to make family competition helpful, not harmful.
Games, sports, and competition are Biblical. Remember the Bible often describes our Christian lives as a race (Acts 20:24, 2 Timothy 4:7, Hebrews 12:1). The apostle Paul points out that you only win when you play by the rules and discipline yourself by training (1 Corinthians 9:24-27). We wrote a whole chapter about this in our book Raising Real Men, but we agree with the old theologians – games can be a great way to learn skills and exercise our minds and bodies, if they’re done in the right attitude.
Ways to Make it Work
Recognize that older siblings and younger siblings may not appreciate how different they are. Depending on the child and the range of ages and development, you will have to coach your older, bigger, stronger kids to take it easy on the little siblings. Teenagers can’t react to their five-year-old brother like he was another teen. We made it a matter of honor for our boys to restrain their impulse to hit back when a little one hurt them. On the other hand, younger ones need to be reminded that bigger kids are bigger, and it’s not wise to treat them like they were elementary-age peers, either. The idea that “We’re all equals in the eyes of God and our parents,” is good, but you have to remember that equality of status and equality of value do not mean equal capability or strength!
“Compete against the clock and your own best time.” We found our boys of all ages like to race the clock on math worksheets. The fact that one is doing third-grade work for the first time, and older brother is doing the same practice sheets he did five years ago, doesn’t matter when each one is racing himself.
Give younger kids a handicap. Let the older kids start further back, or give the younger ones a head start. Or let the younger ones choose or answer first, so the older ones don’t jump ahead every turn. Even up the playing field a bit.
Create teams across the ages. This is really effective with board games. The oldest child is paired with the youngest, and the next oldest with the next youngest – for example, the 15-year-old with the 5-year-old, playing against the 12-year-old and 9-year-old. You can also make the rule that the older team member can’t touch the board; he has to talk with his younger teammate and persuade him to move the pieces or play the cards strategically. Often, the youngest children just want to move the pieces, anyway – it’s the older kids who get the grand design of the game!
Raising Siblings Without Rivalry – Part 1 – MBFLP 253-1
Sep 16, 2020
One of the questions we hear most often is, “How do you deal with sibling rivalry?”
We had eight children, and six boys in a row, so we had plenty of competition and challenge to work with! A certain amount is normal and can be accommodated even within the family, but it has to be guided and supervised to keep it from becoming bullying or persecution.
Girls have their own temptations too, especially in emotional and relationship areas; we’ve known women who grew up as “mean girls” in their own family, and struggled with broken relationships decades after they left home.
We didn’t want that in our own family – we wanted our children to grow up to be friends – so we tried to take positive steps to build and protect relationships between our kids. And like Tedd Tripp says, we trained behaviors in the youngest, in the process of teaching the hearts and attitudes of all!
Principles for Preventing Sibling Rivalry
Home Should Be Safe – Nobody should feel like they have to keep their guard up when they cross the family threshold. That goes for spouses, too.
Zero Tolerance for Bullying – or Provoking – Bigger kids can tyrannize young kids, but younger kids can cause lots of trouble for older siblings, too. Proverbs 6:16 says God hates one who causes discord among brothers – so bickering and arguing are important, not just kid stuff.
See the Family as A Team – You won’t score together, if you are fighting one another instead of your enemy or opponent. Encourage your kids to pull together and support each other, especially in front of the rest of the world.
Enjoy Teasing and Wrestling but Don’t Cross the Line! – It’s fun until it’s not, for somebody. If you continue after someone calls “stop” then you’ve become a bully – see “zero tolerance” above.
Recognize How Different Your Kids May Be – and Keep an Eye on Them – Some kids can tolerate teasing and rough-housing, and some can’t. Don’t let either set the tone for everybody, but guide their interaction to head off offenses and hurts. That also goes for the child who’s quick to take offense — that’s no help either.
NEW!
This week we’re trying a new format – three shorter episodes on the same topic! Look for parts 2 and 3 later this week and let us know what you think
And if you have suggestions, questions, or requests, leave us a message on our Listener Response Line – (919) 295-0321
Getting Kids On Board With Your New Homeschool – MBFLP 252
Aug 25, 2020
Are you starting homeschooling this fall? Was it always your plan, or did the pandemic make this an unexpected “best option”? Either way, are your kids on board with the decision?
Parents have the responsibility and the perspective to make this choice for their family, but sometimes the children aren’t thrilled. Even if it’s the best thing for them, it’s always more pleasant if everyone’s in accord about the plan. What can you do to help your kids understand and accept the lifestyle change you’re making? How is it different for young kids, middle schoolers, and teens? This episode, we’re talking about working toward harmony with your new homeschooling project!
An Avalanche of New Homeschoolers
The sudden shutdown of practically all public education in March, and the prospects of very restricted school reopening this fall, have prompted a lot of families to reconsider homeschooling as an option. How many? Several states are reporting double-digit increases in new homeschools, and when North Carolina opened its website for new homeschool filings in July, the rush crashed the site for an entire week. In June, researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 1200 families in Michigan, Illinois, and Ohio, and found 12% already planned to keep at least one child at home this fall. Another survey of 2000 families by OnePoll found that 43% are “seriously considering the option of homeschooling” this year. Vermont had a 75% increase already!
With so many new families beginning homeschooling, a large percentage are taking children out of classroom schools. Their kids have already had some experience of school culture, developed friendships at school, and formed relationships with teachers. The change in school approach is going to be more disruptive for them than their pre-school and kindergarten-age siblings. That means you’ll need to approach the idea differently with the older kids. Even elementary school kids may complain, “I haven’t seen my friends in for-e-ver,” — though to be honest, that’s been heard in homeschooling families, too, during the lockdown!
So it’s important to acknowledge that your kids’ fears, concerns, preferences, and objections do matter, even if the decision has been made already. Take the time to listen and engage them on their levels–you’ll be glad you invested in the relationship. This episode, we’re talking about practical ways to address some of those concerns. Not incidentally, we’re also addressing some concerns you might be having as an unexpected homeschool parent, yourself–like socialization, your qualification to teach, and college prospects at the end! So join us —
[Side note: Many of the news reports on this subject have misread or misrepresented the actual findings; for once, they tend to overestimate how many people are choosing homeschooling. Some media reported the UofM findings, for instance, as “A third of parents may homeschool,” but the actual study says 12% plan to homeschool, and 21% were undecided. That’s a different picture. Still, 12% is a huge increase over the 3-to-4% homeschooling rate nationwide last year.]
Comments, Suggestions, or Requests – Use Our Listener Response Line – (919) 295-0321
The Problem of Perfectionism – MBFLP 251
Aug 19, 2020
A reader asks, “What can you do about an over-conscientious child?”
C.S. Lewis observed that our sins are often forms of virtues which have gone astray. The apostle Paul wrote to the church at Colossae, “Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Jesus Christ.” (Colossians 3:23-24) We should be pursuing excellence–but it’s very easy to let that pursuit turn into self-righteousness, arrogance, and pride. And it can also drive a person to distraction, depression, and despair, as the reality settles in that we can’t truly reach perfection in our own strength.
So what should we do when we see one of our children … or ourselves … leaning on human effort and achievement instead of faith in Christ? When striving for excellence becomes an unforgiving and ungracious pursuit of the unattainable? When our obedience to God is based on appeasement rather than love?
But doesn’t the Bible speak about perfection?
Yes, it does. Jesus speaks of loving your enemies, a supremely unnatural thing to do, and says if you do this, “you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48) While it is true that God is pure and sinless, we aren’t and won’t be until heaven. Yet we can strive after this kind of perfection, which is not sinless but rather, balanced and mature, like James describes: “But let patience [as a result of the testing of your faith] have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” (James 1:4)
The sort of perfectionism to beware of has several unhelpful fruits:
Pride – if I think I’ve achieved it, or I think I’m capable
Arrogance – if I look down on others who aren’t trying as hard as I am
Inefficiency – putting too much time and effort into unimportant things
Fear – if I’m not confident I’ll succeed, I don’t want to try
Faithlessness – if I don’t realize how desperately I need Christ
Guilt – if I don’t recognize my inability, any disappointment is my own fault
Really, it’s a form of legalism–hoping to earn God’s favor or dissuade His anger by our own diligence. (continued …)
Can we be over-conscientious?
It’s good to be careful, watchful, observant. Our hearts are still drawn away from Christ and God’s law, so we need to be on guard against our own sinfulness. Our conscience can be helpful – Paul says in Romans that Gentiles who didn’t know the law of Moses sometimes did the right thing anyway,
when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do the things in the law, these, although not having the law, are a law to themselves, who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and between themselves their thoughts accusing or else excusing them (Romans 2:14-15)
But our conscience can be mistaken or confused. Paul wrote the church in Corinth, “I know of nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this; but He who judges me is the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 4:4) And the apostle John wrote, “If our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.” (1 John 3:20)
Romans 14 deals with matters of personal conviction, and Paul says, “Let each be fully convinced in his own mind.” (verse 5) – but we do need to recognize that our conscience needs to be trained by the word of God. And we need to remember that each of us is on life-long road of growth–and we haven’t all reached the same level of maturity yet!
So how should we guide our children in this area?
Our hope and our self-worth are not found in our report cards, our job descriptions, our paychecks, or our prizes — hope and identity come from our relationship to Jesus Christ
Encourage your perfectionist children to try things they might avoid. Encourage your bookworm to learn tennis or dancing. Get your athlete piano lessons or tutoring in French. Help them realize that they can’t excel in everything – and they don’t have to!
Be sure to praise the intangible things. Character doesn’t come with a scorecard, but God is much more concerned with the sort of person we are than the numbers we achieve on the tests.
Help them gauge the real value of quality. If over-exactness makes you late on your homework, you still lose. Sometimes “good enough” is the right answer, and better than “good enough” may actually be a distraction–or worse.
Finally, be sure they understand that “By grace you have been saved through faith, that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.” Instead, our obedience to God is not meant to earn His forgiveness or love–it’s our loving response to what He’s already done for us. “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:8-10)
If you’re homeschooling a boy (or just helping your son with his homework!) you’ve probably seen his frustration about writing. Yet the ability to put thoughts into words and words onto paper is a crucial skill for life and career. How can you get past his natural hesitation and open up that channel for communication? This episode we talk about some of the reasons why your boy may hate to write, and then, practical ways to overcome those hurdles!
Beating Boredom This Summer – MBFLP 249
Jul 01, 2020
Summertime is always a challenge – with the change of routine, it’s easy for our kids (or ourselves) to feel adrift. This year, with the ongoing COVID-19 crisis, even our backup program may be on hold or cancelled. What can you do to make the most of summertime with your family, when vacation may be postponed, summer camp or youth sports shut down, and even the local pool or gym is off limits? This episode, we talk about things you might consider with your kids and mate, to make the most of the enforced time together this year!
Who knew, when the schools and universities closed in March, that we’d still be home in June and July, with summer vacation upended as well? Camps and programs for missions, music, sports, and more, have been closed by the virus. Travel is still restricted. Entertainment facilities, beaches, parks, and more are shut down or curtailed. Our own son had his honeymoon reservations canceled by the hotel the week of the wedding! (Thankfully, he was able to make other arrangements!)
So many of the things we take for granted and do every summer are in jeopardy – or already gone. Last week, we spoke with a radio host about ideas for “engaging our kids” during this time. There are ways to build memories and build skills – and there are also opportunities to build (or rebuild) relationships, if we’ll take the step.
A New Feature for the Program
Hal was inspired by World Radio’s program “The World and Everything In It” and their listener participation in the daily news podcast. This episode, we’re pleased to announce a new opportunity on our own program – our new “Listener Response Line” at (919) 295-0321. This is our voice mail where you can leave a comment, a question, or a suggestion. We’d love to hear from you!
Raising Them Up – a conversation with Israel Wayne – MBFLP 248
May 21, 2020
This episode, we’re talking with Israel Wayne, homeschool graduate, father of ten, and author of the new book Raising Them Up: Parenting for Christians. He shares some of the difficulties of his childhood – parents who divorced early, an abusive stepfather, times of poverty and homelessness – and the incredible way that God has redeemed that experience for His glory and the help of His people! You’ll enjoy this surprising and encouraging conversation with Family Renewal’s Israel Wayne.
Starting Over After a Rough Start
“When I got married, I was twenty-three, my wife was twenty, and we started our marriage with a clean slate,” Israel said. “I didn’t bring the baggage with me. I had the opportunity to start out on the right foot, developing the kind of relationship with my wife that my parents never had, learning how to be the father that my father wasn’t able to be. We now have ten children – our oldest is 20, our youngest is 16 months – five boys and five girls. And I think it’s really interesting, fascinating, and ironic in a way, that God has given us this ministry called “Family Renewal.
“This may be surprising to some people because some don’t know much about my back story. But I really believe in the capacity of God to reach families that are broken and families that don’t feel like there’s hope for them, that feel like, “Well, yeah, we’re not that poster family for homeschooling or ‘a Christian family.’ I believe that God’s grace is big enough that God can reach even you, and I believe my background leads me to have faith for those families. It’s part of why I do what I do and why I wrote Raising Them Up: Parenting for Christians.”
Not Available on Amazon!
Raising Them Up: Parenting for Christians is available direct from Family Renewal Ministries
During this time of widespread shutdown and isolation, a lot of authors, teachers, and publishers are struggling. Dozens of homeschool conventions have been cancelled, including some of the largest in the United States and Canada, and that has made a serious dent in the support your favorite homeschool vendors need to keep going.
When you’re ordering online – and who isn’t, now? – would you take a minute and consider ordering direct from the authors and publishers? You might not know that when you save a dollar on a book at the (ahem) online megastore, 75% of the income from that book goes to the website owner – not the author. In normal times that’s just business reality – but while the crisis lasts, remember the creators who are pouring their heart and knowledge into your family and homeschool, and let’s channel those purchases back to the homeschool vendors you depend on!
GREAT NEWS!
Our book
NO LONGER LITTLE: Parenting Tweens with Grace and Hope
has received the
2020 CHRISTIAN INDIE AWARD
for the Relationships and Family category
“The Christian Indie Awards honor Christian books by independent authors and small publishers for outstanding contribution to Christian life.”
Quarantine School – It gets better from here! – MBFLP 247
May 06, 2020
Schools are still out and so’s the jury – could this be a glimpse of your future? To be honest, few people could have dreamed that millions of kids would start learning from home this spring, and nobody consulted the parents whether they felt like giving homeschooling a whirl. The good news is, if you pivot to intentional homeschooling for the fall, you may find it’s much less stress and a lot more interesting. This episode, we’re talking about some of the differences between emergency-level school-at-home and the more routine experience of parent-led home education.
Planning for College Even During COVID-19 – MBFLP 246
Apr 23, 2020
How can you hunt for a college in the midst of a global pandemic? Colleges want students who demonstrate interest in their college. But how can you demonstrate interest in a college when you are sheltering in place under a “stay at home” order? Join us for this special conversation with Lee Binz, “The HomeScholar”!
With our older kids (all five of them so far!), we spent a lot of time visiting colleges, touring campuses, interviewing professors and campus ministers … but emphasize, on campus.
And now, there are very few people on campus to visit – if the campus is even open, still.
Needless to say, suddenly the rules have changed! But have they?
Colleges still want to meet you, get to know you, and make an estimate whether you’d accept an offer from their school. In normal times, you take the opportunity to meet the admissions staff, walk around campus, and if they invite, absolutely positively show up for scholarship or honors college events!
So during this time of quarantine, shelter-in-place, and stay-home orders, those in-person visits just aren’t going to happen.
Lee Binz has years of experience counseling and advising homeschooled high schoolers and their parents, on how to prepare for the college application process and how to maximize your chances of success. This episode, we talked with her about how the move to remote meetings and online gatherings has changed the traditional interview process. You’ll hear some surprising advice and some brilliant ideas how you can adapt to this strange, disrupted world, in some of the most traditional institutions.
Anxiety and feelings of insecurity can come and go. When you are faced with feelings of inadequacy, you may start wondering how to become a better homeschool parent. How do you become successful? Lee has a free ebook that she would like to share with you! Download How to Be a Better Home Educator and you can build a better homeschool with tools (and teens) you have around the house. Whether you are a newbie or veteran, this short ebook can help you become a better homeschool parent.
What Are You Reading Right Now? – MBFLP 245
Apr 11, 2020
These are challenging times, and whether you need entertainment to pass the idle hours, or something diverting at the end of a stressful day, a good book is great to find. We’re book people, for sure, and we know the value of trusted authors and especially, those who have lots of titles to discover! So this episode, we’re talking about our favorite books and authors – some we share, and some we don’t!
We discovered we both enjoy mysteries
As a genre, good detective stories offer a vision of right and wrong, and the possibility that truth can be found and justice prevail. We really like istories with likeable, well-developed characters, intriguing plots, and particularly, heroes who are fundamentally decent people. Stories with ambiguous or situational morals, protagonists we wouldn’t introduce to our family, or anything supernatural or occult, we don’t enjoy at all – those, we avoid.
Some of the classics we enjoy are the books by Dorothy L. Sayers and Ngaio Marsh, two authors of the “Golden Age” of British detective stories. From the same era, on our side of the Atlantic, are Erle Stanley Gardner (the creator of Perry Mason) and Rex Stout (whose eccentric genius Nero Wolfe was only a lightweight version of the somewhat eccentric author) – both of them, quite prolific! (more below …)
More modern authors, and featuring female protagonists, are Dorothy Gilman (whose Mrs. Emily Pollifax is more of a spy than a traditional detective) and Alexander McCall Smith, a Scottish mediccal professor who remembers his childhood in Botswana with a series about a woman who opens the first “Ladies’ Detective Agency” in her country.
Deserving special mention are the father and daughter duo, Tony and Anne Hillerman. Tony’s novels about the Navajo Tribal Police are packaged as supernatural thrillers, when they’re actually police procedurals placed in the complex culture of “the Rez” – the spooky covers simply recall elements of the traditional religion of “the Dine’ as the Navajo call themselves. His daughter Anne picked up Tony’s characters after his death, and she’s carried on the stories with the same skill her father displayed. We’ve thoroughly enjoyed the Hillermans’ books, and their description of the culture and landscape were confirmed by our travels in Arizona and New Mexico – doubling our enjoyment!
When They’re Being Bullied – MBFLP 244
Apr 03, 2020
Studies and surveys tell us up to 49% of school kids (grades 4-12) have been bulled in the past month – but homeschoolers aren’t immune to threats and intimidation. This episode, we talk with Candice Dugger of BulliedBrokenRedeemed, about what to look for if your child’s being bullied,what you can do to help the situation, and more importantly, how to help your child heal.
Living through Lockdown – Work and School at Home – MBFLP 243
Mar 26, 2020
Welcome to life during a lockdown! Suddenly a lot of families are unexpected homeschoolers – and a lot of wage earners have “come home” to work near their families. It’s a huge transition, even if you planned it months ahead of time. How can you recognize and start to adjust to the very different reality of working and studying alongside one another? Hal and Melanie have been doing this for over 15 years, and we still have things to sort out and discover. This episode we’re talking about some of that experience!
The first part of this episode, we talk about the transition to teaching at home. There are a lot of resources on this network and the archives of this very program! But the second part, we look at the world of working from home when you’ve been used to an office or cubicle, some privacy and peace, and only adult conversation to distract you.
A Passage We Referenced;
It is vain for you to rise up early, To retire late, To eat the bread of painful labors; For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep. (Psalm 127:2 NASB)
Some Other Resources We Mentioned:
To learn more about Laura Ingalls’ first teaching assignment, check out the book These Happy Golden Years from the “Little House on the Prairie” series.
Craftsman Crate is our subscription box that gives you real tools, real skills, and an introduction to arts and crafts that can become a lifelong hobby or a home business. Find out more here.
Select episodes of our podcast are also available on YouTube. For a video version, check out our channel here!
When It’s Time They Were Moving Out – MBFLP 242
Feb 21, 2020
“What ever happened to growing up and moving out?” someone asked. The fact is, a growing number of young adults are living at home with their parents. Is this a problem? Well, sometimes yes, but sometimes not at all. This episode, we’re talking about how to work through the young adults leaving Mom and Dad’s home for a place of their own.
Back Home Again
The U.S. Census Bureau reports that in 1969, less than 10% of young men (ages 25-34) lived at home with their parents – and more than 80% were married and living with their wife. In 2019, though, nearly 20% are back home (or still at home) with Mom and Dad, and only 36% are married.1
There are many reasons that may be so, but popular wisdom aside, it’s not necessarily a sign of failure or character weakness when a young adult is living in “the natal household,” as one researcher puts it.
3:15 – Census figures on young adults and their living arrangements
5:45 – Reasons good kids may still be living at home
7:30 – How can we prepare our kids to be independent adults
15:25 – A word from our sponsor
16:25 – The importance of the parent-child relationship during this transition
18:11 – How to handle a young adult who puts the family at risk
22:00 – When your adult child wants to move out and you the parent are holding him or her back
25:55 – How to help a young adult who’s “stuck” You might be interested …
Escaping the Endless Adolescence: How We Can Help Our Teenagers Grow Up Before They Grow Old
Joseph Allen and Claudia Worrell Allen
Engaging Today’s Prodigal Carol Barnier
References
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Current Population Survey, Annual Social and Economic Supplement, 1967 to present; table AD3, “Living Arrangements of Adults 25 to 34 Years Old, 1967 to Present”
“February is the cruelest month” is how T.S. Eliot began The Waste Land – until Ezra Pound suggested he change it to “April” for poetic reasons. Be that as it may, February is a time of dullness for many of us. It may affect us ourselves, it may affect our children. So what can we do about mid-winter cabin fever?
Admit it – the seasons do have an impact. You might have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – here’s an article from the Mayo Clinic website. You may not have a condition that needs medical attention, but the fact that some people do have a problem with change in seasons should tell you it’s not just your imagination.
It’s not a sign of weakness or a character flaw to realize some things can make a difference. We have family from Scandinavia who tell us people there (where the winter days are really short) take active, preemptive steps to increase their cheerfulness – more light, more houseplants, and so on.
Listen in for more practical ideas to cheer up your dark days of February!
PASSAGES OF INTEREST
Seasons are a fact – and a blessing of God
“While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, winter and summer, and day and night shall not cease.” (God, in Genesis 8:22)
You [God] have made summer and winter. (Psalm 74:17)
God thunders marvelously with His voice; He does great things which we cannot comprehend. For He says to the snow, ‘Fall on the earth’; Likewise to the gentle rain and the heavy rain of His strength. (Job 37:5-6)
He gives snow like wool; He scatters the frost like ashes; He casts out His hail like morsels; Who can stand before His cold? He sends out His word and melts them; He causes His wind to blow, and the waters flow. (Psalm 147:16-18)
Would you like to have Hal and Melanie speak at your church, group meeting, or some other gathering? We travel a great deal and it may be easier than you think! We’re going to be in the states in yellow in 2020, so CLICK HERE to start the conversation!
February 27-29, 2020 – Nashville, TN – Teach Them Diligently – Nashville
March 13-14 – Williamsburg, VA – HEAV LeaderLife Conference
March 26-28, 2020 – Rogers, AR – Teach Them Diligently – Northwest Arkansas
April 3-4, 2020 – Kansas City, MO – Midwest Parent Educators (MPE) Conference
Raising Kids to Love Their Siblings – MBFLP 240
Jan 23, 2020
Is sibling rivalry just something to expect? Is it a foregone conclusion that our kids are going to be simmering with jealousy, rivalry, and unkindness toward one another? Or is there a way to promote friendship and affection between brothers and sisters? We have eight kids, and while they’ve had their moments of conflict, we’ve been blessed to see them grow in genuine love as they’ve matured. How can we foster this sort of relationship in the home?
TRAPS TO AVOID
We know families where the sibling relationships are so broken, some aren’t talking decades after the original hurt feelings. Our college students have remarked how many of their classmates are uninterested in going home for holidays or breaks. Where does the breakdown begin? More importantly, what can we avoid or correct, to preserve and promote better relationships?
Bullying or provoking behavior – they’re two forms of the same problem
Name calling – and when nicknames are and aren’t cool
A culture of sarcasm and irony
Battle of the sexes – don’t even start
Favoritism – it didn’t end well for Joseph nor Isaac
POSITIVE TRAITS TO PROMOTE
On the other hand, there are many things we can do to cultivate a better sort of family culture.
Teach them how to be friends
Praise and reward good behavior
Make family harmony a matter of honor
Provide opportunities to be friends
Build memories together
Share emotions – rejoice with them that rejoice
Cultivate respect – starting with husband and wife of each other, then parent/child and siblings
Remember, and teach your kids, that when the Bible speaks about love, it involves knowing the other person, and choosing to behave in a considerate and kindly manner to them. It’s an active choice, not just a feeling! And that means that we can hold that as a standard of behavior … and know it’s something we can actually do. Trust that when our actions are right, the feelings tend to follow!
Relationships and Holiday Stress – MBFLP 239
Nov 25, 2019
The song says, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” but for many families, it’s also the most stressful. How can you accomplish all you need to do during the holidays, without putting a strain on your family relationships? And how do you deal with visiting family members who may be bringing their own kind of stress into your celebration? Join us for this timely discussion heading into Thanksgiving!
Passages We Referenced
She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness. (Proverbs 31:26 NKJV)
So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (James 1:19-20 NKJV)
Teaching Your Kids (and yourself) to THINK– MBFLP 238
Nov 20, 2019
Have you ever looked at your child and asked, “What were you thinking?” – and then realized that he wasn’t thinking at all? That’s common enough – and to be honest, sometimes it doesn’t improve in adulthood. This episode, Hal is talking about how you can help your kids become more intentional, more aware, more … thoughtful! (And maybe, improve your own thinking skills, too)
The Bible warns against spiritual blindness — we need to be careful about mental blindness in the physical world too. Jesus and the apostles quoted Isaiah and Ezekiel, who said though Israel had eyes to see and ears to hear, they were blind and deaf to spiritual truth right in front of them. (Isaiah 6, Ezekiel 12, Matthew 13, Acts 28, Romans 11) And honestly we often are nearly as clueless about the physical world, aren’t we?
We can help our kids focus a little better on common blind spots like:
Figuring out where to start with a big task
Organizing a task for fastest and quickest improvement
Finding something when it’s right where you said it was
Finding something when it’s close but not exactly where you said
Giving an honest try before giving up
Learning logical troubleshooting skills
Hal shares lessons he learned from more than twenty years in the military, manufacturing, and utilities – and lessons we try to teach our kids now!
Thank you to our Sponsor – A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood Movie!
Tom Hanks portrays Mister Rogers in A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, a timely story of kindness triumphing over cynicism, based on the true story of a real-life friendship between Fred Rogers and journalist Tom Junod. After a jaded magazine writer (Emmy winner Matthew Rhys) is assigned a profile of Fred Rogers, he overcomes his skepticism, learning about kindness, love and forgiveness from America’s most beloved neighbor.
Click here to watch the trailer and find a theatre near you!
Studies show that although children who have regular chores are more likely to be happy as kids and independent as adults, less than one out of three families expect their kids to help around the house. Only 28%! As a family of ten, we found that teaching our children to help out was a necessity. There are long-term benefits, too! This episode, we talk about why we need to give kids chores, and how we made it work.
Thank you to our Sponsor – A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood Movie!
Tom Hanks portrays Mister Rogers in A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, a timely story of kindness triumphing over cynicism, based on the true story of a real-life friendship between Fred Rogers and journalist Tom Junod. After a jaded magazine writer (Emmy winner Matthew Rhys) is assigned a profile of Fred Rogers, he overcomes his skepticism, learning about kindness, love and forgiveness from America’s most beloved neighbor.
Click here to watch the trailer and find a theatre near you!
Real Modesty (a redux episode) – MBFLP 236
Nov 07, 2019
Hello, Friends!
Melanie’s come down with laryngitis this week so we’d like to offer this return to a frequent issue for Christians in conservative churches – Modesty! And we think you’ll find there’s more to it, and less of what you may expect, when you look back to the whole Bible. We hope you enjoy it!
In Christ
Hal and Melanie
One of the long-running controversies in conservative churches is the question of “modesty.” What does it mean, Biblically? How should we practice it? Is it just about “necklines and hemlines” or is there something more?
Sometimes the subject has bad associations in people’s memory. Maybe they’ve encountered a legalistic application of the concept, and it left a bad taste in their mouth. And yet, we know that modesty is important for a Christian. We want the way we dress to reflect that we’re God’s people. We don’t want to tempt people to sin. But how can we consider the question without bogging down in legalistic stuff?
Of course – go back and look at the biblical standard. Let’s see what the Word actually says and not just what someone interpreted.
To The Word!
Providentially, we were looking at one of these passages in our family devotions. In 1 Timothy 2:8-9, Paul is instructing Timothy on the organization of the church he’s planting. He wrote,
“I desire therefore that men pray everywhere, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting. In like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety in moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, but, which is proper for women professing godliness, with good work.”
Some people interpret that to mean women should not wear nice clothes. They shouldn’t try to be attractive. They shouldn’t wear jewelry or braid their hair. And on the surface the passage sounds like that, but other passages give it more context.
For example, 1 Peter 3 is talking about relations of wives and husbands. In his word to the wives, Peter says (verse 3), “Do not let your adornment be merely outward–arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather, let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” And in verse five, he continues, “For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.”
Here’s a significant point – Sarah was known for something. In Genesis 12, when she and Abraham were in Egypt, the Egyptians noticed Sarah. They noticed her beauty. They were staring at her. They were saying in their own language, “Wow. Check out that woman over there.” She attracted so much attention Abraham actually feared for his own life.
Guess what? Sarah was at least 65 years old at the time.
Changing Perspective
This is worth considering for a moment. Obviously Sarah was a woman who knew how to take care of herself, who knew how to dress well, who knew how to groom herself. This woman was like a supermodel, and 65 years old. And what does Peter say? Peter says, ladies be like Sarah–she was a godly woman.
We’ve had friends who seemed to believe that “Dumpiness is next to holiness.” That “dowdy” is “godly.” And yet we have the example of Sarah to balance some of our interpretation.
(There’s much more in the rest of the episode – it’s not just an issue for women!)
Hal is out of town with the children and Melanie is helping her mother after major surgery, so this episode Melanie tackles some common ideas about motherhood that may not be quite so. Join this mother of eight (five all grown now) as she looks at “Myths of Motherhood”!
“Motherhood” is one of the almost-mystical concepts of our culture. It’s symbolic of so many things, though to be sure, just what it represents has changed as the culture has changed.
But like many “big ideas,” there are some mythical things that cluster around, too. Can we talk frankly about what we see as the myths of modern motherhood?
Here’s a big one to start with:
Myth No. 1 – “It’s hard now and it’s always going to be this way.”
When we had four kids eight and under, Hal accepted a new job in a different town. We couldn’t sell the house before he had to start, so we conceived the not-so-brilliant idea of Melanie and the kids staying in the present home to try and sell it, while Hal moved two hours away to begin the new job.
It was horrible.
One mom and four littles, eight and under. Every time the agent wanted to show the house, Melanie would dash upstairs and down, furiously throwing things in laundry baskets and stuffing them in the car. One of our children couldn’t fall asleep at night; Melanie would get the older two settled, nurse the baby down, and then find the toddler wide wake, feet flailing, talking to himself. She would sit by his toddler bed, crying her heart out to God, “Father! Please – let this child sleep,” unable to leave him because the bedrooms were upstairs.
It was tough and it was discouraging too. And it was easy to think, “This is my normal. It will always be the way it is this minute. And I can’t do this.”
Eventually we decided to just clean the house really well, close it up, and go live with relatives for a month or two until it sold. And eventually, it all worked out.
That little guy who wouldn’t get to sleep? He’s a father now with his own restless toddler. All four of those kids we had then are grown and gone now. We still have children at home, the younger siblings who weren’t even alive back then, but our life is drastically different. When the younger few were born, we had teenagers to help. The older kids can handle most of their schoolwork on their own. They’re helping more than they’re taking time.
Your life as a mother of a demanding young family is tough – no question. But that three-year-old who’s running around like a maniac — in a few years, he’ll be able to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and he’ll help get the toddler out of the toilet while you’re nursing the baby. When he’s 9 he’ll be able to finish fixing dinner when the baby needs Mama (as they do!). When he’s 12 he’ll be able to cook the whole meal, and when he’s 16 you can send him out for burgers when you’re sick with the flu. Your life hasn’t reached a standstill –
Studies show that young adults are often not prepared for adult independence. Psychologists say the current generation is growing up slowly, and some even say “Twenty-five is the new fifteen”!* But if our parents and grandparents were functioning adults at 18 or 20, why can’t our kids be the same? This episode we’re talking about how to teach adult skills intentionally to our teenagers – and what to do if they graduated before you were done teaching!
The Parent-Child Relationship – MBFLP 233
Sep 24, 2019
The overwhelming business of raising a child can cause us to miss the importance of our relationship with them. There’s so much to think about, so much to do, so much to pray over and work on – how can we put the proper emphasis on the “soft skills”? And yet, at the end of the day (which is when they graduate and move out), the sort of relationship we have with that child will be the thing which draws them back home – or not. This episode, we take a quick look at the way our parent-child interaction needs to change with the growing maturity of our child.
The Two Biggest Tasks of Parenting
Have you ever asked yourself, what is the absolute core of effective parenting? What would “success” look like? What is so important that, if we miss that one thing, we’ll look back with deep regret?
We actually think there are two absolutely critical things that we must pursue as parents. You can just assume the basic life needs – food, health, safety – of course. Those don’t even have to be on the agenda; if you don’t take care of those, you may not be a parent for long.
But the thing we find at the top of the list is discipleship. The Bible tells us over and over that we are to teach the word of God to our children throughout the day and in every circumstance (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).
And inseparably connected to it is a second thing – the relationship we build with those children. In fact, we’d say you will have a very hard time teaching the first thing, if the second is weak or missing. Dr. Jeff Myers of Summit Ministries said that in the process of discipling tens of thousands of young adults, the ministry has found that truth will only be accepted in the context of relationship – a relationship of love, trust, and respect.
Relationship is More Than Just Feelings
The “warm fuzzy” aspect is important, of course, but there is a practical side to our parent-child relationship, too. That changes as the child grows and matures, and our interaction with him needs to change, too. At the start, the most important thing is teaching trust – Mama and Daddy will take care of you – and the Bible uses that as an illustration of God’s faithfulness to us:
“As one whom him mother comforts, so I will comfort you; and you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.”
The time for positive discipline comes after that. And again, the Bible makes it clear that discipline is a sign of our love (Hebrews 12:5-11):
… for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening … then you are illegitimate and not sons. (vv. 7-8)
But as they grown into the teen years, the way we interact with them, the way we discipline, and the responsibility we give or withhold, has got to reflect their new status as young adults. If we fail there, we may send them into the world with memories of resentment toward us. That’s not a good launch.
And through it all, we have got to communicate our affection to them in a way they understand and receive. They have to know not just that we love them, but that we actually like them. And that may take some work.
Listen in for practical help on balancing these necessary roles – and for ideas how you can build a bridge to your child’s heart, even when you think you’ve lost your first chance already. We’ve crossed that bridge ourselves! With God’s help, so can you.
Does the Bible give us guidance on finding a mate? Of course – but it’s not as detailed as some of the more recent advice we’ve all heard. This episode we’re talking about some unmistakable – and non-negotiable – things the Scriptures tell us about guys and girls in relationship … but keeping in mind some things the Bible doesn’t say, too!
What’s non-negotiable?
Here are a few principles we think are clear:
Respect for parents – The Fifth Commandment is to “Honor your father and your mother,” and it’s repeated in both Testaments (Exodus 20:12 and Matthew 15:4, for example). Parents have experience and wisdom, and a young lover is well-advised to seek that wisdom out! Besides, they are probably a little more objective about the object of their child’s affection and may be able to raise an issue that’s being overlooked. (We do make a distinction, though, between the commandment to honor parents – aimed at all of us, at any age – versus commandments to obey parents, which are aimed specifically at children. Note the apostle Paul uses both words in Ephesians 6:1-3 but only to children in Colossians 3:20)
(more following …)
Sexual holiness – For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; … For God did not call us to uncleanness, but in holiness. (1 Thessalonians 4:3, 7) The New Testament is full of warnings against sexual immorality, and specifically against fornication in many places. The ancient world thought it wasn’t a big deal and much of our own world thinks the same – but the Bible says they’re wrong.
Friendship with honor – When the apostle Paul counseled the young pastor Timothy, he told him to threat younger women in the church “as sisters, with all purity.” (1 Timothy 6:2) There is space for friendship between unmarried singles, with that proviso – to be careful of virtue and reputation, just like you would toward a beloved sibling.
For believers – Don’t date unbelievers. Marriage was created by God for all of humanity, and it is open for all, but the Bible warns against becoming too intimate with someone who doesn’t share your faith (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). This passage is not talking about when one spouse becomes a Christian after the marriage – look at 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 for that situation. But we shouldn’t start out with that sort of uneven spiritual relationship.
As for the rest of the advice …
So much of the other advice we hear has to be balanced against clear Scripture, culture, circumstance, and practical application. Much family life teaching comes from Old Testament examples and illustrations – wisdom that isn’t expressed as commandment. Regulations about marrying a captive of war, official recommendations for elopement, and examples of marrying two sisters – at the same time – are there in the narrative. They have to be understood in context!
So in all seriousness, we do encourage our young people to find friendships with the opposite sex, in all purity, and consider the question of deeper relationships and marriage with both godly caution and godly cheerfulness!
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