Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

Latest Episodes:

Eps 186: Teasing apart Emotional Regulation with Anna Seewald May 07, 2019

Show notes

My guest today is Anna Seewald. Anna is a Parent Educator, Keynote Speaker, Author and Host of The Authentic Parenting Podcast. With background in psychology and education, having worked with children for 18 years, today she helps conscious moms and dads to become calm and connected to themselves and their children through trauma-informed education. She believes in helping children by helping parents. She has a private practice that specializes in parent education, where she provides one-on-one parent coaching, parenting, court ordered, and co-parenting classes.

www.authenticparenting.com

What you’ll hear in this episode:

What is emotional regulation?
Gaining perspective on what it means when our child is emotionally dysregulated
Why toddlers struggle with emotional regulation
How emotional dysregulation of kids triggers parents
How stress contributes to emotional dysregulation in parents
How emotional regulation supports conflict resolution, jobs, relationships, academics
What is co-regulation?
How parents can stay regulated
The Four-Step Calm Formula
Coaching your child’s emotional regulation
The role of compassion in emotional regulation
Assessing the level of urgency in an emotionally dysregulated situation
Language and emotional dysregulation
Mindfulness and emotional dysregulation
Validating our children’s feelings in a way that matches the intensity of their distress
The impact of dysregulation on the verbal centers of the brain
Dealing with emotional dysregulation under time constraints
Post-dysregulation problem solving and how to nurture it
What to do when your child won’t talk about their feelings
The power of relationship in bringing emotional regulation
Tips for listeners who are looking to get better at helping their children grow their self-regulation skills or themselves

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Eps 185: How to be fiercely committed and lovingly detached Apr 30, 2019

Show notes

Today is solo show – woohoo!! I’ve been missing you all.

I am so excited to have been interviewed by some amazing gals out there in the Podcast world. Anna Seewald of the Authentic Parenting Podcast – www.authenticparenting.com/podcast had me on and we talked about building trust – both in ourselves and our kids. Loved every minute of it and can’t WAIT to meet Anna in person at her conference in May, the Authentic Parenting Conference – www.authenticparenting.com/conference.

Today I want to talk about a mantra that I have found useful time and time again. I learned it from a friend and mentor of mine – shout out to Denise Yost! – we saw each other for the first time in a while and when I asked her how she was, she responded with “fiercely committed, and lovingly detached”

Fiercely committed, lovingly detached.

What it means to be fiercely committed?

Creating the environment
Meeting their needs
Advocating for them
Being kind and firm
Encouraging them

What does it mean to be lovingly detached?

Allowing them to be who they are
Allowing for them to build resiliency through navigating natural consequences
Allowing them to be uncomfortable
Trusting that they are on THEIR journey
Letting go
Giving them responsibility over their lives

What gets in the way?

Our dreams/vision for them
Our past/failures/mistakes
Our assumptions
Our addiction to what other people think
Our insecurity about “doing it wrong”
Our emotional regulation (or lack of)
Our lens of the “right/wrong” way

What will help us move towards “fiercely committed, lovingly detached”?

Two list exercise.

Challenges
Everyone probably has a really similar list – YAY!
Gifts
Doubt that you have any particular job description…
What about “happy”?
Can we hope for content?
Can we hope for healthy coping skills and resiliency?
Can we hope for grounded and empowered?
Remember the challenges are at the tip of the iceberg – and anything we “do” with the challenges should somehow, someway, teach/model/or allow our kids to PRACTICE the life skills we want them to embody.

A bit about DO.

So often parents want to know WHAT DO I DO??
In the moment tools
This is a narrow mindset
PD is a broader lens than in the moment.
TRSUT in developing relationship
TRUST that kids do better when they feel batter
TRUST that all humans what to be connected and know that they matter and have influence
In the moment?
Keep everyone SAFE
Acknowledge your child’s experience
Look for solutions and/or ways of making things right

They are doing the best they can with the tools they have in the moment.

Just because they can tell you what they will do better next time during a calm moment does NOT mean they will access that when they are flipped
Not about being naughty/bad – its about relationship, tools and practice

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Eps 184: The Montessori Toddler with Simone Davies Apr 23, 2019

Show notes

Today’s guest is Simone Davis. Simone is the author of the new book, The Montessori Toddler. Simone is an AMI Association Montessori International Montessori Educator. She lives in Amsterdam where she runs parent-child Montessori classes at Jacaranda Tree Montessori. Simone is the author of a popular blog, The Montessori Notebook. She is also mother to two young adults. We will be discussing toddlers. Join us!

"In Montessori it's an alternative education system where we're actually following each unique child on their own unique individual development.”

“We start to think that toddlers are giving us a hard time when actually it's them having a hard time.”

“We help them as much as necessary and as little as possible.”

“Montessori is somewhere in between, we call it freedom within limits.”

“It's really just how to communicate in an effective, respectful way.”

“it's really about trusting your child that they're on their own unique timeline and that they're different to everybody else.”

“I think of us as planting that seed as well and nurturing it so that we really recognize that each child's individual, how can I support and help them become the best version of themselves?”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

What the Montessori philosophy is all about
The role of multi-age modeling in a Montessori environment
The importance of taking time for training
Preparing the environment and what that looks like
How Montessori builds community and independence
Teaching kids to care for things and each other: values-based learning
How breaking down steps reduces assumptions and frustration
The benefits of the Montessori approach
Applying Montessori principles to your home
What gets in the way of parents for seeing the gifts of the toddler years
Practicing neutral observation without assumption like a scientist
How the quest for Independence is similar in the teen and toddler years
Setting kind and clear limits
The value of a rich language environment with the space to try new things
Getting comfortable with repeating yourself
The role of making amends and modeling doing so yourself
The most important thing for parents of young children to know in order to shift into the Montessori mindset

Resources:

Dan Siegel hand model of the brain video

“The Montessori Toddler” book

Where to find Simone:

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Eps 183: Your kids are not manipulating you. Apr 16, 2019

Show notes

Join the Joyful Courage Tribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage. Raising our children while growing ourselves...

::::

Winging it in the closet!

Thank you for the review, Lauren!

Listening to my clients and group participants…. Amazing the expansive way we can see/here for the other person.

The idea that kids get into mischief, make mistakes, AND well meaning, loving parents get stuck into thinking “they are manipulating me/trying to get what they want/playng me”
Foundation of Adlerian theory – behavior being movement in the direction of belonging and significance
As young children – always perceiving/interpreting/beliefs/action (private logic)
Do I belong?
Do I matter?
Do I have influence?
Am I safe?
We are asking and answering those questions through our own lens, which has been developed over time, through experience and relationships we have lived through
Kids are cut and dry, their private logic is experienced as “truth”
Perception of emotional safety matters
“I’m curious… I notice you don’t want to talk about problems after the fact…. Can you tell me about that?”
Goal is to help them observe themselves
Having a conversation about the conversation
Curiosity has no agenda, it’s not a “method”
Curiosity is non-judgmental and open
THIS TAKES PRACTICE PEOPLE!
Call it out when the space feels judge-y and own what we have brought in the past
Asking VS Telling Experiential activity
Play with this!! Remember there are layers!!

:::::

Joyful Courage: Calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey

This book is all about how to show up as a Joyful Courage parent so that you have better access to the tools you need in hot parenting moments – tools that are helpful and maintain connection with your child.

Presale is April 10th – as many of you as possible buying presale would be FABULOUS. Go to www.joyfulcourage.com/book

Official launch date is May 20th – OMG – so so exciting!!!

The best way to stay up to date on the book news is to join my newsletter list, if you haven’t already. Sign up at www.joyfulcourage.com/join

Thank you to everyone that has been so encouraging on this journey!!! I appreciate you and we are ALMOST THERE!!!!

::::

Authentic Parenting Conference

Anna Seewald, host of the Authentic Parenting Podcast, and parent coach, has put together a steller day of learning and growing together in New Brunswick, NJ. I am so excited about it that I decided that I WANTED TO GO TOO!!

I am going to be there, Dr. Laura Markham will be delivering a keynote (ah-maze-ing), and the whole thing just looks like super soul care on fire.

If you are interested, click here https://authenticparenting.com/conference and use the discount code JOYFUL25 for $25 off the registration fee!!

Come play with me!!

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Be a Subscriber

Make sure to SUBSCRIBE to the Joyful Courage Podcast on Apple Podcast to get the latest shows STRAIGHT to your device!! AND PLEASE rate and review the Joyful Courage Parenting Podcast to help me spread the show to an ever-larger audience!!

CLICK HERE to watch a video that shows up how to subscribe with your iPhone!

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Eps 182: Finding Your Family's Rhythm with Meagan Wilson Apr 09, 2019

Show notes

My guest today is Meagan Wilson. Meagan is the founder of Whole Family Rhythms and living out her mission of helping other mothers, caregivers, and educators to create more clarity and balance within the home. Meagan’s website and seasonal Guides provide support, information, and resources on conscious parenting inspired by the earth, the seasons, and each family’s own unique values. Together, a community of over 25 thousand like-minded Mothers and educators gather each day on her Instagram feed to discuss parenting with love, connection and rhythm.

"Connecting with your family values is this parenting partner exercise.”

“Visual cues, no matter what, they are always very helpful.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

What living with the rhythms of the earth and the seasons means
What it means to align your life with your values
How to document your family values in a meaningful way
Discussing your values as co-parents with extended family and caregivers
Routine vs rhythm, in-breath vs out-breath times and what it all means
Using visuals to create daily habits
What it means to be a loving authority
Being the author of the boundaries that you're holding
Natural consequences - what they are
Connecting to something higher than yourself - not necessarily religion

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Eps 181: A Solo Show Exploring The Myths and Realities of Positive Parenting Apr 02, 2019

Show notes

Hey there!!!

Myths of Positive Parenting

That everything is peaceful all the time

PD activity that shows the continuum between kindness and firmness parenting styles

Kind AND firm can feel elusive

We are all human beings having a human experience

Kids and teens are perceiving what is happening around them, and making meaning out of what they are perceiving. They filter the world through their individual, developing lens – it makes sense that they get it wrong and response in a way that seems…. well…. Inconvenient.

Our kids and teens are in the process of DEVELOPING and LEARNING life skills. They’ve had limited experience. They are doing the best they can with the tools they have.

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Eps 180: Dr. Sarah Bergman Lewis Discusses Navigating Trauma on the Parenting Journey Mar 26, 2019

Show notes

Today’s guest is Dr. Sarah Bergman Lewis. Before attending medical school ,Sarah helped to found a middle school called the Seattle Girls' School. As part of her 5 years with the Seattle girls' school she did admission and taught 6th grade Sarah attended University of Washington Medical School. She completed her pediatric residency at Seattle Children's, has worked in urgent care at Seattle Children's Hospital, then as a primary care physician.

She and her family later travelled to Guatemala for 3 months where she worked in a local hospital and her kids attended school. Her family will return again this year for a visit and to help launch a partnership between a group of Seattle pediatricians and the Guatemalan hospital.

Outside of works there is pursuing her yoga teaching training certificate and enjoys learning about sharing Integrative Medicine tools with her patients as part of a collaboration between Odessa Brown Children's Clinic and Arc of King County. She is helping devise the curriculum for a mindful self compassion course for Spanish speaking parents which she will co-facilitate in the spring.

Her husband Steve is a nonprofit executive director. She is a mom of two delightful children. Today we are talking about navigating our own self-healing. Join us!

What you’ll hear in this episode:

Parenting from wholeness, not fear
Adverse childhood events and how they affect parents and parenting
Adverse childhood events study explained
The dose response effect to adverse childhood events
How ACE scores impact health (physical and mental) risks The shadow side of resilience
Behavior as a solution to a problem we don’t know about
Epigenetics, what is it and what does it have to do with behavior?
Being aware of what drives our internal “shark music”
Exercising self-compassion around when you’re going to work on your issues
How the way we talk to ourselves impacts how we talk to people in our family
What embodiment means
Encouraging embodiment in our kids
Guiding conversations about embodiment
Discussing screen time with our kids

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Eps 179: SOLO show about trusting relationship and encouragement Mar 19, 2019

Show notes

First – let me tell you how much I love the show, Parenthood, on Netflix....

Casey is on solo with you today digging into what it means to trust the process in the context of parenting, Positive Discipline, and leaning on our relationship as the most powerful way to influence our kids behavior.

What does this mean?

Hitting stage
Homework stage

The relationships/ life skill development journey

When we are stuck in a place with our kids it is easy to believe that it will “always be like this”

Change happens over time
If we want something to be different we have to BE different
The dance we do with our kids has explicit steps, well choreographed over time
All it take is one person to change the dance (YOU)

What it means to be in an honest open relationship with your children

What can feel like the dark side
Curiosity and stalling when you don’t know what to do
Notice your fear and let it guide you to pausing
Gather your resources
Listen to your gut

How to voice concerns without blaming or condemning (thermometer activity)

Encouraging vs discouraging out kids

When they are discouraged by OUR behavior they shift OUT OF taking responsibility or even thinking about their own behavior

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Eps 178: Beyond Birds and Bees with Bonnie J Rough Mar 12, 2019

Show notes

Today’s guest is Bonnie J. Rough, who is an author, journalist, and speaker focusing on families, health, education, parenting and sexuality. Her latest book is Beyond Birds & Bees: Bringing Home a New Message to Our Kids about Sex, Love, and Equality. has written recently for the New York Times on t

eaching young children about boundaries and consent

and

the value of childhood crushes

, The Atlantic on both the link between

sex ed and gender equality

and

improving school sex ed

, the Washington Post on

why it’s important to teach sex ed in mixed-gender groups

, and New York Magazine on

raising kids without sexual shame

. Join us!

"What I learned is that the focus on helping kids wait longer is really not and should not be the end all. It’s really more about how can we prepare them to have a positive experience.”

“The Dutch parents who I met and the American ones too who have inspired me on this really are prioritizing their relationship with their kids over their ideals about what and when their kids will do things.”

“If we have those open lines of communication we actually have more control than if we forbid.”

“The more open and transparent we can be with our kids the better.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

Cultural differences between the US and Amsterdam around gender equality, nudity, and sexuality
Normalizing conversations about sexuality
Separating nudity from eroticism
Differences in sexual health outcomes between US and Dutch teenagers
Ways to keep lines of communication open with your kids
Double standards applied to boys and girls
Why helping your child maintain cross-gender friendships
The importance of knowing your kids’ friends
What the research says about teenage sex
What to do when you feel you’re late to the party in talking to your kids about sex
The importance of not having an agenda when having those curious conversations with kids
Owning when we feel awkward or uncomfortable
Navigating fear and baggage to become available for conversations with our kids
Expanding our own knowledge base to have better conversations

Where to find Bonnie:

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Eps 177: Casey is Solo talking about how we influence the iceberg Mar 05, 2019

Show notes

How we influence the iceberg

Clients come to me to talk about kids behavior

Battles over homework
Power struggles
Screen time addiction
Getting out the door
We are mega focused on fixing those problems

The iceberg- behavior we see is a solution to a problem that we may or may not know about

Example that we played with a few weeks ago in parenting class:

Child won’t get ready to go in the morning and family is late getting out the door

Two options for response:
What do I have to do to this kid to get her to cooperate?
Bribes, threats, punishments
What is happening for this child that is getting in the way?

Go to the source

Tell me about the mornings…. I notice that…. How are you feeling…..
With new information you can make a plan together to support the child (and you)n in doing better

Transparency

Rowan talking about the future
Agitated, closed off, defensive
Often my response is irritated that she cant “have” the convo
We both are discouraged and the convo is over
Maybe I am engaging the wrong conversation
Helpful to know what shows up for her when the invitation is to talk about future
What is the experience?
IS it only with me or others?
Might there be a benefit to talking with someone else if not me?
What would be useful about having a vision of the future?
Deeper even still
I notice when this is the conversation you….. I am curious about that? How does it feel when…..?

Sometimes our kids refuse to go there….

How do we let go?
What do they need?
Recognizing/acknowledging our tendency to hold on/get rigid/ let fear or our agenda drive us….
Mutual respect – respect for child and for self and the situation
Honor who they are and their temperament
I am ALL IN, lets go deep and swirl around and grow and learn and be super transparent and get it all out – don’t hold back. I process out loud and in the moment…. This is not the way of everyone, def not my daughter.

Summing it up:

Recognize how we are contributing to challenges
Own it, and get curious about your child’s experience.
Identify the ACTUAL problem
Be an open, nonjudgmental listener
Look for solutions (related respectful reasonable helpful)
Be respectful
Honor who you child is in word and action

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