Hey mamas! Wow, I can't believe the feedback from all of you brave and bold mamas! First thank you so much. It means the world to me because I am on the other end of the microphone and want to be sure what is coming to your ears is what you want to hear. So keep it coming!! Another way to say thank you in addition to letting me, is to leave a rating or review. This will help the podcast reach other mamas that need it. THANK YOU! Now, on to episode 4.......
Hey mamas! How are you doing, if you live in the northeast, it is still summer, your kids are still home. I saw this great meeem/meme? On Facebook that so sums up how the summer goes with kids. You start the summer as Mary Poppins and end the summer as Miss Hannigan - lol. When my kids were little, I would NEVER have felt that way and I may even have even been shocked a mom could feel that way. Trust me, we all get there lol
I do love summer, but it loses its luster by mid August! While I love the spontaneous lazy days of summer. But then I crave the structure of September! I also always end up buying myself new notebooks and pens too! Lol
So I hope you have been enjoying and finding value in the first 3 episodes of Divorced Mommy. It would mean the world if you could leave a review or rating as that helps immensely in getting Divorced Mommy out to more moms out there who need it. Part of the iTunes algorithm :). Also, if you would like to reach out directly, ask me any questions, or request certain topics, send me an email at julie@divorcedmommy.blog. and also feel free to read more on my actual blog www.divorcedmommy.blog
Looking forward to connecting with you!
So today’s topic may be a tough one. It is about your kids dad. I will preface this episode by saying, that I know there are real bad guys out there. I know that there are dads that truly do not deserve the title. There are dads that are abusive or toxic for a child’s life. Those guys are not included in this discussion. This is about the dad that truly loves his kids. The kids truly love him. And in your heart you know you want your kids and their dad to have an amazing relationship, or at least the opportunity to develop one.
So, no matter how and why you and your ex-husband ended your marriage, he will always be their dad. This is where it can get so tricky. You, as YOU, as your own person with a life, feelings and emotions may be having an incredibly difficult time seeing, communicating or frankly being nice to him. I get it. On the flip side, you have these kids, who are already feeling what they are feeling that their parents are no longer together (or will have these feelings once they grasp the change in their lives). They want their daddy around, they want to see him and not have it be something else taken away. You know what I am going to say, it requires you to be stronger than you have ever been in your life. It will require you to compartmentalize the feelings you have right now about your ex and shift your thoughts and feelings about him as your kids father.
It may seem simple, but it is not always easy. I am going to give you some tips that will help you navigate this minefield of emotions.
1.) The number one tip I want you to embrace and try to implement immediately, is to stop calling him or referring to him as your ex. Instead call him your kids dad. This simple almost subtle shift is anything but. But calling him your kids dad, in your head, to others, in front of your kids will have an impact you can’t even begin to imagine. Think about it, when you start a sentence with “my ex-husband…..” It is an immediate negative. There is nothing positive in the term ex-husband. That title immediately puts your brain and heart in self defense or anger mode even if it is subconcious. It also makes the receiver of that term have emotions of pity, judgement, sadness. By referring to him as your kids dad, it is an incredibly positive term. It tells your brain over and over again that that is who he is regardless of anything else he may be. It also tells your brain to prioritize that feeling you have about him. It has an incredibly positive impact on those you are talking to about him. And most importantly, when your kids hear this, it makes them HAPPY even if that too is subconscious for now. But it matters for the long term.
And even though you may not feel it to be possible now, I can tell you 11 years later of constantly referring to my ex-husband and my kids dad that is 100% how I see him, how I feel about him. And I truly care about his happiness and that of his fiancee. Truly I say that with no ill feelings in my bones. It is actually so WEIRD to me to call him my ex when I just said it. I truly don’t see him that way. I don’t even call his mom my ex-mother in law. I call her my kids grandma. POWERFUL
So tip one, refer to him immediately going forward as your kids dad.
2.) Be careful who and what you say about your kids dad to others.
This one is a big one and will be much harder than tip #1. I am not talking about sharing the nitty gritty truths and issues with your best friends. You have to, but obviously out of any reach of your kids or theirs. You would be amazed what kids pick up when you think they are absorbed with playing.
But don’t talk ill or throw shade about your kids dad to people outside that small circle. I would even say be super careful with family too. Family and parents of your kids friends can be dangerous to share too much about your kids dad. Think about it, just like you will always be around him for the rest of your life (remember birthdays, graduations, weddings, being grandparents together), so will a lot of your family. Do you want your mom, dad, siblings to eye him with anger and hatred at gatherings? Do you want them to slip and say something they shouldn’t around your kids? No, not at all. Same goes for your kids friends’ parents. As a mom of two teenagers, let me tell you the pipeline of rumors and gossip that stems from kids hearing their parents discussions in their homes and then sharing it with their friends. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. You don’t want your kid to feel like crap because they heard something about their dad from another kid.
The hardest part in all this is when your family or friends go there. They want to put in a dig or ask you a question about your kids dad that isn’t the nicest. This not only happened to me in the beginning, but it still happens 11 years later! It happens even though everyone can see that we all get along very well. It happens about my kids dad, about his fiancee. I DO NOT GO THERE. I will not feed gossip, I always take the high road. And to be clear, I am human, I have feelings and I may go to my tight circle to get advice or share something, but I put my kids first at all times in these scenarios. I don’t say anything that I wouldn’t want them to hear. I mess up, you will mess up, we are not perfect, but put this guiding principle into practice.
3.) The last tip I am going to share with you is to train your mind to see the goodness in your kids dad in the way he fathers. If your kids love him so much and he is a great dad and they have fun together, focus on that. If you keep a journal or a gratitude journal write down 1-2 things per day you are thankful for how he treats your children. This mindset work will pay off big time. As your kids get older they need the uniqueness of you as a mom and he as a dad more and more. My daughter who is turning 15, needs me in a way right now that her dad can’t be there for. Likewise my 13 year old son needs his dad more than ever. Teenage years are no joke. Parenting through them is not easy, and being divorced can add to the complexity. If you work hard now on this mindset work, it will pave the path for the kids to turn to the parent they may need at the moment. It also helps in monumental ways when you hit an issue or need to set some rules or limits. For the most part my kids dad and I can get on the same page (after discussion) to make a joint decision on what our 5’10” gorgeous 15 year old daughter can and can’t do! Sometimes we are the counterpoint to the other as we try to advocate for one of the kids on something they want to do. It is worth it I promise.
So to summarize the three tips to implement immediately:
1.) Shift from calling him your ex-husband to your kids dad
2.) Be careful what you say and to whom you say it
3.) Focus on the things that your kids dad does for them that you are thankful for
It is the more acceptable belief that you can’t have a good relationship with my ex than a better belief that I can be thankful for my kids dad and the coparenting relationship we have
I want so much for you for the new belief to be just that. Our thoughts create our feelings which create our actions. Shift your thoughts using the tips above and I know your feelings will begin to change.
Love you all and if you found this episode helpful, please consider leaving a review or rating I would be so thankful and it will help get this podcast out to the other moms who need it.
Don’t forget to connect with me on instagram @divorcedmommy or email me directly at julie@divorcedmommy.blog. I would love to hear from you and any questions, topics featured on the podcast.
Be sure to check out
Episode 1, Episode 2, and
Episode 3 of the podcast if you haven't already! Would you like to know what your kids want you to understand as you navigate the waters of co-parenting? Click the link below and you will get an email with a downloadable PDF that my daughter wrote, The Top 10 Things Your Child Wants You To Know Now. It is full of gold!
Top 10 Things Your Child Wants You to Know Email me if you have questions or are interested in specific topics! julie@divorcedmommy.blog
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