How My View Grew

How to Escape the Drama Triangle Jan 22, 2025

This is the final episode of season two. After taking a short break, we'll return in March with season three.

In episode eight of this season, I introduced a way to depolarize politics and evoke more constructive moods: escaping the drama triangle.

In this five-minute episode, I answer a related question: how do you escape the drama triangle?

Here are four steps you can start using today.

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Kim Stanley Robinson: How can humans reverse climate change? Jan 08, 2025

Kim Stanley ("Stan") Robinson is one of the world's most acclaimed and popular science fiction novelists, first famous for his Mars Trilogy. For the past two decades, Stan has been telling vivid stories in which climate change is catastrophic yet people invent ways of reversing it. What he imagines is so bold it takes your breath away, then fills you with hope and resolve that you didn't know existed within you.

In his Science in the Capital trilogy, a Washington DC thriller, National Zoo animals roam the capital after a massive flood. The Gulf Stream shuts down. Then a tiny U.S. government agency with bold leadership funds massive global climate projects. That plus the election of an inspiring everyman new President saves the day.

Two decades later, Ministry for the Future tells a very different heroic tale. Here the protagonist is a new international agency based in Zurich led by an Irishwoman. After a massive heat wave in Indian kills millions, she gets kidnapped by one of its survivors and eventually answers her captor's challenge to do more. She persuades central bankers to back a "carbon coin" that changes the rules of the economic game. Companies now earn money by keeping oil in the ground, slowing Antarctica's melting, and investing in other projects on a scale commensurate with the climate catastrophe.

What led Robinson to dramatically rethink his bold ideas for reversing climate change? What can we learn from this about climate economics and the financial rules in capitalism? How might this learning shift us into more constructive moods as we face seemingly insurmountable challenges?

Join me in exploring these questions in this new episode of How My View Grew.

**Key takeaways**

4:00 A DC thriller: the Gulf Stream slows down. Washington floods. Science and government save the day
12:00 Stan gets criticized about economics and responds by reading more deeply. The virtues and limits of nationalizing banks.
18:00 A new view of money and lessons from the 2008 financial crisis
23:00 Paying companies to green the planet, changing the economic game
28:45 Stop asking "Is it to late?" Focus instead on better versus worse
33:30 Telling good stories that our culture ignores
35:00 Stan's message to the Left: get over it
40:00 Amiel's reflections

**Resources**

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Depolarize Politics by Escaping the Drama Triangle Dec 25, 2024

In this 10-minute episode of How My View Grew, discover a powerful method for depolarizing politics and improving relationships: the drama triangle.

Invented to support families in high-conflict situations, the drama triangle opens a new window into understanding political polarization, emotional intelligence, and difficult conversations. Listen in as I describe the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer and how they show up in MAGA and liberal/progressive politics.

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Lene Rachel Andersen: Can Teaching History Prevent Authoritarianism? Dec 11, 2024

As Donald Trump returns to the White House, many American citizens are willing to tear everything down. Where did these destructive inclinations come from? Might they partly reflect the way that voters learned history back in school? How well are we teaching history through the eyes of people living then so we can learn from their experiences? To what extent are we introducing students to their culture's proud traditions so they feel inspired to defend them rather than throw everything away?

In this episode of How My View Grew, we explore these questions by hearing from someone from outside the United States. Lene Rachel Andersen is a Danish author, futurist, and economist. As a student, she knew history was important. However, when challenged by a classmate, she couldn't explain why. Lene sensed the disjointed nature of the history curriculum but couldn't pinpoint what was missing. Years later, as the result of a TV series she created that went awry, she discovered answers to both questions. Then postmodernism entered the scene, and Lene wondered: should we be teaching deconstruction to third graders—or can this wait until later?

Lene's story reveals deep lessons for avoiding authoritarianism and meeting other challenges of our time.

**Key takeaways**

8:00 A classmate's question about history stump Lene
12:00 Put yourself in the shoes of people in history
14:00 To avoid authoritarianism and stupid wars, understand history and humans
18:00 Pitfalls of the postmodern approach to history
24:00 An exciting pilot project in a Danish public school
27:00 Third grade teachers shouldn't be teaching deconstruction
32:00 Amiel's reflections

**Resources**

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Beyond the false choice between despair and hope Nov 27, 2024

In this short episode of How My View Grew, I offer an alternative to the false choice between despair and hope.

After the recent U.S presidential election, many people in my orbit are feeling despair. Their response: search for signs of hope.

But what if this is a false choice? What if we could gain access to other moods that are more constructive and powerful?

Say hello to resolve and curiosity, two moods for this moment.

**Resources**

A Cabinet of buffoons, bomb throwers, and bottom-feeders? Republican Senators get to decide. My recent Medium essay.

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The day liberals became small "c" conservative Nov 13, 2024

When new political leaders promote disruptive and even violent change, then people accustomed to pressing the gas pedal on change may choose instead to hit the breaks. Liberals become small "c" conservatives.

In this episode of How My View Grew, I suggest that after November 5, 2024 every liberal in the United States became a small "c" conservative. Instead of pushing for change in society, liberals now have good reason to slow it down. That's because the changes coming with the new Trump Administration threaten to destroy or disrupt many things worth preserving, from liberal gains of the past 90 years to basic Constitutional protections we've had for two and a half centuries. Much that we Americans take for granted, everything from childhood immunizations to Constitutional freedoms to the rule of law, is now at risk. Someone needs to stand up and shout, "Stop."

For decades, liberals associated this stance with Republicans, and for good reason. But today's Republican leader doesn't have a small "c" conservative bone in his body. His Administration will be about rapidly disrupting and destroying much that liberals—and all Americans—value.

So, who will fill the void of slowing down change and preserving that which we hold most dear? Liberals.

After making this case, I describe five steps liberals can take to embody such small "c" conservatism.

**Key takeaways**

2:00 The reactionary changes coming
5:30 The two forms of conservatism: small "c" and big "C"
8:30 Big "C" conservatism, the ideology, is whatever the Republican Party currently stands for
13:30 Five steps liberals can take to conserve liberal gains and American traditions

**Resources**

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5 Election Scenarios and 3 No-Matter-What Commitments Oct 30, 2024

The human brain craves certainty. It convinces us we know how next week's U.S. presidential election will turn out. We don't. Things are uncertain. Yet, we can imagine different scenarios.

In this nine-minute episode of How My View Grew, I describe five scenarios for the election and its aftermath.

Then, I invite you to consider three "no-matter-what commitments." These are stands we can take no matter what happens. Making such commitments is an antidote to anxiety and despair. It reminds us of our strengths and resilience.

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Stephen E. Hanson: Can Mafia-like States Spread to the West? Oct 16, 2024

In the upcoming U.S. presidential election, democracy, many say, is on the ballot. But is democracy versus autocracy the best description of the stakes?

Not according to Stephen E. Hanson, co-author with Jeffrey Kopstein of the new book The Assault on the State. The democracy/autocracy distinction is about how people come to power. It doesn't address how leaders rule their staffs and administrations once they are in power.

In the West, we've long managed states based on professional expertise and the rule of law. It's so common that we take it for granted. Yet, in recent years a different form of rule has taken root, first in Russia, then in Eastern Europe, and now in England, the U.S., and other parts of the West. Here the method of rule resembles the mafia. It's based on loyalty to a single leader, typically a man, and characterized by attacks on professional experts and power centralized in a ruling household.

For many years, Hanson, an expert on Russia and Eastern Europe, didn't think that strong mafia-like states were possible in the 21st century. And he was far from alone in this. Then, when Putin defied the odds by building one in Russia, Hanson didn't think this model of rule would spread elsewhere. And yet it has.

In this episode of How My View Grew, we explore why it made sense to bet against the rise of mafia-like states and why such bets turned out to be misguided.

**Key takeaways**

5:30 Steve's prediction that Russia wouldn't build a state after communism
8:30 How Putin built a state with loyalists
14:00 Why nobody thought Russia's mafia-like rule would spread
17:00 An epiphany during the pandemic sparks an "aha"
20:00 Three warning signs
24:00 Democracies can be run like the mafia. Autocracies can be run by experts based on the rule of law
28:00 The "unholy alliance" leading the assaults on the expert-run state
33:00 How an assault on the state in Israel contributed to the country's lack of preparedness for Hamas's massacres on October 7, 2023
39:30 We only notice government when it fails
41:00 Amiel's reflections

**Resources**

The Assault on the State by Stephen E. Hanson and Jeffrey S. Kopstein

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Man Up For Good Oct 02, 2024

In this five-minute episode of How My View Grew, I offer five perspectives about being a man today:

It's confusing
Men and women are different
There is no need to apologize for being a man
Long live the healthy masculine
It's time for a new Bro Code

**Resources**

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David Storey: Can A Liberal Democrat Be Conservative? Sep 18, 2024

Why might a liberal Democrat with progressive values hold a conservative disposition? Could it make sense to both advocate for positive change and honor traditions and the social cohesion they foster? Might this represent the twin challenges facing today's Democratic Party?

In this 30-minute episode of How My View Grew, Boston College philosophy professor David Storey explores these questions through his own personal and professional experience.

How did someone who dismissed the Republican Party as simplistic and repellent learn to recognize the virtues of the conservative disposition, even as Republicans themselves abandoned this disposition? What does this tell us about MAGA, Mr. Trump, January 6, and the the upcoming U.S. Presidential Election? Who are the "barstool conservatives," and why are they anything but conservative?

If you believe in the gains brought by liberalism and progressivism, aren't you acknowledging that these are traditions you want to conserve?

**Key takeaways**

3:00 The thick culture and Fox News habits of a childhood friend's family
5:30 Discovering positive patriotism on 9/11
9:00 Learning from Andrew Sullivan that traditions are complex, involve pruning, and were built by people
12:00 Why the Iraq War violated conservative principles and climate activism can piggyback on them
17:30 The primal ethnocentric energies of George Wallace and Patrick Buchanan—also not truly conservative
20:00 How these primal energies broke through to the mainstream in the form of MAGA and Mr. Trump
22:30 The "barstool conservatives" who are angry they can't watch cheerleaders or call things "gay"
25:00 The January 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol is what happens when you abandon the conservative disposition
27:00 The important contributions of the Never Trumpers
28:00 Amiel's reflections

**Resources**

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The Surprising Lesson of History Jun 19, 2024

In this final episode of season one, a short one, I describe how my view of history shifted after reading the memoir of Stefan Zweig, a popular early 20th century European novelist. What if the lesson of history, especially around war and other catastrophes, is precisely the opposite of what I long assumed? How might history make us humbler about our ability to predict the future? Might it help us see possibilities and perils we otherwise would ignore or dismiss? Finally, a brief riff on why, in light of this uncertainty, curiosity, resolve, and acceptance are more useful moods than despair and anxiety.

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Marci Shore: How to Improve the World Amidst Evil? Jun 12, 2024

In a Soviet-era bunker in an undisclosed location in Ukraine, a Ukrainian soldier reads books by the late historian Tony Judt and wonders: Is it possible to make the world better amidst evil? Not long after, Yale historian Marci Shore, a former peacenik, finds herself pleading to the German government to send lethal weapons to Ukraine.

What's happening here? How does one historian's words support a courageous defense of democracy that, in turn, inspires another historian to step outside of her comfort zone and into a debate about war?

In this week's episode of How My View Grew, the second-to-last of season one, Marci Shore joins me to explore these questions. The story she shares is about choosing to take moral responsibility rather than ignoring evil or rationalizing it away, even if this means risking friendship, status, or your own sense of identity. Her story is also about tapping the lessons of history to see future scenarios you otherwise might miss or consider impossible. And it's about postmodernism—both the new capacities it offers and, when stretched to an extreme, the disasters it produces.

The episode draws from Shore's book, The Ukrainian Night: An Intimate History of Revolution, as well as Judt's books, Thinking the Twentieth Century, written with Timothy Snyder, and Past Imperfect.

**Key takeaways**

6:00 Judt's harsh critique of French intellectuals' silence about the show trials and other Soviet terror
17:00 The alternative to silence and rationalization: taking moral responsibility
20:00 There is a difference between good and evil, and between truth and lies
25:00 A Ukrainian soldier reading Judt's books in a bunker
30:00 Mr. Putin, Mr. Trump, and the evasion of responsibility
33:30 Why liberals struggle to grasp nihilism and mass murder
40:00 World War I was, before it occurred, unimaginable
46:00 Historians can't predict the future, but they describe what can happen
50:00 Amiel's reflections

**Resources**

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The Clarifying Question Jun 05, 2024

This short episode is about asking clarifying questions, which involve far more than building rapport and trust. Clarifying questions provide powerful ways to understand what matters to others—clearly, accurately, and without illusions. Listen in as I walk through the three steps in the clarifying question (only two of which happen while you're speaking!) and when you can use this powerful conversation habit.

Einat Wilf: What Do Most Palestinians Actually Want? May 29, 2024

Do most Palestinians want their own state in the West Bank and Gaza, one that co-exists with the state of Israel? Is the conflict between Israel and Palestinians primarily about territory and the solution therefore simply to trade territory for peace?

For many years, as an advisor to Israel's top leaders and member of its parliament, Einat Wilf thought so.

Then she started to listen deeply to what Palestinians were saying, and what she heard stunned her. What Palestinians wanted was a land to themselves so they could return to the homes their families once occupied in Israel proper. What they didn't want was a Jewish state.

This discovery, coupled with extensive research into the century-long history, left Einat with a dramatically different view of the conflict. Palestinians' dream of "return" and the world's support for this dream constituted as big an obstacle to peace as Israeli settlements in the West Bank.

Engaging with this possibility may be painful, but it opens new possibilities for long-term peace in the region. If Israel and the United states take Einat's story seriously, they will approach the conflict dramatically differently than they have been doing for decades.

**Key takeaways**

4:00 Why Einat believed that the conflict was simply about territory
9:39 The purpose and flaws of constructive ambiguity
16:00 The shock and meaning of the Second Intifada
19:00 Listening deeply to Palestinians and taking seriously what they say they want
22:30 The settlements are Israel's most wasteful project
28:30 The Jews want a state. The Arabs want the Jews to not have a state
31:00 What the Arabs of Gaza did and didn't do when they finally controlled the territory
37:30 Why Israel's Labor Party declined
40:30 When Arabs say two states, do they mean two Palestinian states?
44:00 A clarifying question to a Palestinian student reveals a great deal
45:00 The one question Israeli negotiators should ask before entering the room
50:00 No refugees anywhere else in the world have had a "right of return"
54:00 Amiel's reflections

**Resources**

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My Assessment, Your Assessment May 22, 2024

In this week's episode, I describe how to have difficult conversations about charged topics. It's a game called My Assessment, Your Assessment. I walk you through the eight rules of the game, how to know when the game is over, and what makes this valuable in discussing big global challenges or everyday topics.

Noor Awad: Can Israeli and Palestinian Narratives Co-exist? May 15, 2024

In this episode of How My View Grew, Palestinian Noor Awad describes an encounter with a Zionist Israeli settler that caused him to broaden his view of the conflict. This is a story of growing up within a particular narrative and learning to take seriously a very different narrative without given up one's own. What would be possible if more Palestinians—and Israelis—developed this capacity?

**Key takeaways**

3:30 Noor becomes aware of the conflict during the Second Intifada
9:30 The Palestinian identity Noor was born with
13:30 Noor's early-life view of Israelis and Zionism
18:00 Noor discovers Israel's New Historians, who questioned the conventional Israeli narrative of 1948
20:45 Noor meets Hanan Schlesinger, a passionate Zionist settler, and has a life-changing experience
31:00 "I'm right, they're wrong" is not the only way to see things
34:30 Noor's capacity to hold two narratives is rare
38:00 The devastating impact of October 7 and the war on Roots' efforts to build mutual understanding
42:30 Amiel's reflections

**Resources**

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Different Strokes for Different Folks May 08, 2024

This short episode is about giving better advice. Just as medicine containers have warning labels, I propose that all advice about being a better citizen, leader, parent, or partner come with three disclaimers:

Not for everyone
May have side effects
Dilute before using

After all, different folks deserve different strokes.

Carlos Hoyt: Do Races Exist? May 01, 2024

In this episode of How My View Grew, educator Carlos Hoyt describes his early life experience transcending racial categories and how he discovered that the entire concept of "race" was false and unhelpful. What if the racial categories that pervade our conversations, public policy, and social science data are scientifically meaningless? What can we learn from people who have deracialized themselves and others? How might these insights improve lives and undermine racism at its roots?

**Key Takeaways**

8:00 Growing up in Boston—"Black and proud," changing school districts, mixing it up at summer camp
18:00 Discovering research on other "race transcenders"
22:00 The five steps in racializing people
27:00 The pseudoscience of race
34:00 Why "racial equality" is an oxymoron
40:00 Making the U.S. Census more accurate
44:00 How to adjust the way you refer to people
50:00 Amiel's reflections, including the analogy of the Elvis Lives Fan Club

**Resources**

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Regaining center when verbally attacked Apr 24, 2024

In this short episode, I share a personal story about a time I was knocked off center by the verbal attacks of a human "bull."

When someone attacks you, what can you do to regain center and respond skillfully? Here are five tips.

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Rachel Eryn Kalish: When is Violence Necessary? Apr 17, 2024

Rachel Eryn Kalish is a peacemaker. Personally, she radiates harmony. Professionally, she has devoted decades to non-violence and was mediating conflict before the term conflict resolution existed.

Yet, today, she doesn't view non-violence as the one and only approach to global conflict. Sometimes, she has learned, force is necessary to save lives and reduce suffering. The massacre of Israelis by Hamas on October 7 is one example.

We all know the saying that violence begets violence. But are there situations in which non-violence begets violence?

This is the story of how Rachel Eryn began asking this question and listening deeply for answers.

**Key takeaways**

5:30 Facilitating conflict resolution and violence prevention in the workplace
9:30 Teaching dialogue skills to mixed groups of Israelis and Palestinians amidst the suicide bombings of the Second Intifada
14:15 Helping the deeply divided Bay Area Jewish community talk constructively about Israel
19:00 The civil war in Sierra Leone prompts Rachel Eryn to reconsider her view of non-violence
25:00 The savagery of October 7 and the need to get rid of Hamas's infrastructure
31:30 Amiel's reflections: what type of humans commit barbaric violence, and what types of response can constrain them?

**Resources**

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Possibility Conversations Apr 10, 2024

In this episode, I describe a conversation that is pivotal to approaching big global messes. Also useful for parenting, partnering, being a friend, and being a citizen.

The possibility conversation is about the future. It's aspirational. It doesn't include assessments of the past. It's not about coordinating action. The critic stays on the bench. Our mood is constructive.

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Valerii Pekar: Ukraine's stunning resilience Apr 03, 2024

Two years ago, Ukraine stunned the world with its response to Russia's full-scale invasion. Where did its resilience come from?

Leading Ukrainian civic activist Valerii Pekar has an answer. It's a story of a nation—and a man—undergoing two major transformations after the fall of the Soviet Union. First, a shift into freedom, then an awakening of dignity and civic activism.

Why this matters to you and me: If Russia were to defeat Ukraine, its next likely targets are NATO countries the United States is bound by treaty to defend.

Here's the back story—cultural, political, economic, and personal—behind Ukraine's extraordinary response to Russian aggression.

**Key takeaways**

7:00 The many facets of freedom after the fall of the Soviet Union
10:35 Ukrainians vote for independence
12:30 Valerii shifts from traditional to modern worldview
15:00 Moscow tries to steal an election. Ukrainians take to the streets
19:00 Valerii's speech on the Maidan about Ukraine's three revolutions
20:00 The progressive postmodern worldview emerges
23:00 Ukrainians explore a big question: what mistakes did we make ten years ago
25:30 Valerii is elected to the National Reform Council
29:30 A meeting with the President, who issues an invitation
31:00 Russia invades, and Ukraine's new horizontal networks activate
34:30 My reflections

**Resources**

Valerii's essays in the journal New Eastern Europe

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The Real Reason You're Ready to Grow Mar 27, 2024

A short episode in which I explore: why would any of us want to shift our perspective on a big complex issue like climate change, democracy, the Middle East, or political polarization? Doing this isn't easy and can affect our status and relationships, so why bother?

The answer is a quick primer on how as adults we grow our span of care.

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William Deresiewicz: What News Sources Can I Trust? Mar 20, 2024

In this episode of How My View Grew, essayist Bill Deresiewicz describes the moment he stopped trusting his go-to news sources and started listening to "heterodox" perspectives. This is a story about American journalism and culture. It's also a story about the humility and courage it takes to let go of deeply held ideas and create space for something new.

**About the guest**

Bill Deresiewicz is an award-winning essayist and critic and frequent speaker at colleges and high schools. He is the author of five books, including the New York Times's best-seller Excellent Sheep: The Miseducation of the American Elite and the Way to a Meaningful Life. His latest book is The End of Solitude: Selected Essays on Culture and Society.

**Key takeaways**

5:20 "Hate listening" to NPR and discovering the heterodox world
9:00 When an ideology from academia entered the mainstream
15:00 Realizing his attitude about art and money is BS
22:00 Growing up in a world of liberal Democrats and Orthodox Judaism—and making breaks from this world
27:00 Discovering the misery and despair of many students at elite colleges
31:00 Learning from Pride and Prejudice that feelings can be wrong
35:00 Bill's message to Antifa and other young people revolting against the system
39:00 Learning that he knew much less than he thought he did
41:00 Amiel's reflections on the conversation

**Resources**

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Permission to Despair Revoked Mar 13, 2024

In this short episode, I revoke my permission to get stuck in a mood of despair and show you how to do the same.

How moods differ from emotions.

If you can't beat despair, don't join it. Dissolve it with humor.

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Gil Friend: Can the World Work? Mar 06, 2024

In this episode of How My View Grew, discover how sustainability pioneer Gil Friend found his footing...and a commitment to a world that works for all life. At an extraordinary summer workshop filled with aliveness and curiosity, he found a new answer to the question, "Can the world work?"

About the guest

Gil Friend is an inaugural member of the Sustainability Hall of Fame. He was named by the Guardian as one of the ten most influential sustainability voices in America. He served as the first chief sustainability officer for Palo Alto, California. He founded and runs both Natural Logic, Inc. and Critical Path Capital.

Key takeaways

1:37 An early belief that things are terrible and it's their fault
7:33 Learning to plan backwards from the future
13:12 Gil is tapped on the shoulder, saying "Go this way."
17:15 Moods are the resonant frequencies of groups
24:46 You can point fingers at others, or you can design the future
26:30 Let's try capitalism by removing the subsidies for fossil fuel industries
30:24 Amiel's reflections on the conversation

Resources

Connect with Gil Friend at Natural Logic, Critical Path Capital, or Trimtab4Trimtabs
Connect with Gil's Substack, Gil's YouTube channel or on Linked In
Book Gil for a video consultation
"Who was Buckminster Fuller?"

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Introducing: How My View Grew Feb 14, 2024

Big thinkers describe how they see the world and how to make it better, but I want more. How do they get there? What did they used to think and what caused them to change their minds? The story behind this podcast with excerpts from three upcoming guests.

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