I still remember the thrill of scoring my first soccer goal as a kid. I felt a rush of endorphins and surge of confidence (which I severely lacked as a kid) as my team rallied around me and cheered! I remember running down the field holding up 2 fingers. My parents were on their feet screaming at the top of their lungs. It was an amazing feeling. I was hooked. I loved every aspect of the game. I loved playing it, watching it, coaching it. I even had a Brazil national team poster and a Mia Hamm door poster hanging up in my bedroom. I think everyone has a game they love… Is yours a sport like soccer, volleyball, or basketball. Maybe you’re a hardcore board-gamer and you like staying up late at night playing Canasta, Pandemic, or Settlers of Catan (outlawed in our house because it always ends in a fight). Maybe you love playing video games, and your schtick is Lego Harry Potter, or Call of Duty… or Fortnite? (Please don’t let it be Fortnite.) Whatever your game is, take a minute and think about why you love it so much. Is it because it’s a great distraction from the stresses you’ve got going on in your life? Maybe it’s a fun way to connect with the people you love? Or are you one of those super-competitive people (like my wife) who simply loves the feeling of crushing your opponents? Now for the weird transitional question… What if marriage was your favorite game? If you’ve never thought of marriage as a game, you’re not alone. For most people, marriage feels like the complete opposite of a game… it feels like work. However, if you treat marriage like a game, it can change EVERYTHING for you. But you can’t play “marriage” like you play most of your favorite games. Winning at marriage requires you to shift your thinking. You see, there are two kinds of games: Finite games, and infinite games. Most of the games you know and love are finite games: They have known players (the people sitting around the table, playing on the field, or holding a controller that’s plugged in (sorry little brothers around the world holding unplugged controllers, you’re not a real player.) They have unchangeable rules that everyone needs to play by or the game breaks There is a clear end to the game, typically with a winner, and often… many losers. If you play the marriage game under the conditions of a finite game, you will likely end up competing against your spouse, blaming them for your failures, or treating them like your adversary. (This is something competitive people are particularly susceptible to doing.) This can lead to a marriage filled with resentment, loneliness, anger, and distrust. It might even result in divorce. If you want to play the marriage game successfully, you need to to approach it differently than you would a finite game. You have to treat it like an infinite game: In an infinite game, there are both known and unknown players The rules are flexible and can change at the players discretion The objective of the game isn’t to “win” but to keep the game going - and make it so enjoyable for the other players that they want to perpetuate the game as well The most important and meaningful games you will ever play in your life are infinite games, like parenting, friendship, business, and of course, marriage. If you can learn to succeed at playing an infinite game, it will bring you SO much more long-term satisfaction than winning any finite game. Succeeding at an infinite game means you’ve learned to cooperate with the other players to create an experience that everyone wants to participate in. And when you play the game together it gives you a sense of meaning, fulfillment, and joy. Better than the last game of Monopoly I played that made me want to flip the table and walk away. Here are some strategies to help you succeed at the infinite game of marriage: Have an Inspiring Vision: At the center of every successful infinite game is a vision or cause that inspires people to join up and contribute their time, energy, and resources. The vision can be something grandiose like “solve world hunger.” Or it can be something simple, like “Wake up every day feeling loved, cherished, and lucky to be married to your partner.” I recently did a whole podcast on the importance of having ideal or a goal that inspires you as part of the Marriage Ecosystem series. A good vision will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It is something you want badly enough that you’ll be willing to sacrifice and endure some pain to see it brought to pass. Now, think about your marriage… What’s your vision for it? What kind of marriage would inspire you, motivate you, and make you excited to sacrifice so it could become a reality? Does it involve traveling the world together? Or maybe retiring by age 40? Maybe it’s about leaving a legacy for your kids? For Ty and Terri, a huge piece of their marriage vision involved giving back to their community. They founded “The Hope Center for Kids” in Omaha, Nebraska. It’s a place where underserved kids and teenagers could go after school to get mentorship, help with homework, and have somewhere to play and make friends other than the gangs on the streets. Whatever that inspiring vision is, it’s up to you (and your partner) to create it, focus on it, and use it to motivate you, guide your choices, and keep you pointed in the right direction. Be the Visionary Leader: To play a successful infinite game, you need to have a leader. “To ask, “What’s best for me” is finite thinking. To ask, “What’s best for us” is infinite thinking.” -Simon Sinek A good leader is the person who paints a clear picture of the vision for the other players. They’re constantly reminding them, “This is why we’re playing the game.” And “This is why I want to play this game with you…” A great leader sees the value in the strengths of others… especially when they compliment the leaders weaknesses. They lead by praising the behaviors that lead to the outcomes they desire, rather than using fear, intimidation, or threats to get results. STORY HERE A good leader removes obstacles for the other players, and makes it easy for them to succeed. One of my favorite marriage quotes is by Dr. Terry Real. He says, “It’s your responsibility to give your partner everything they need in order to give you what you need.” For example, it’s not fair for me to get upset with my wife for being late to an important event unless I give her what she needs to be on time! That might include: Make sure she knows exactly when we need to leave, and why it’s important. (“We need to leave by 5:00 sharp, otherwise we’ll get stuck in rush hour traffic, and be 30 minutes late.) Making sure I give her enough advanced notice so she can get ready (Don’t tell her at 4:45… that’s setting her up to fail.) Asking her if there’s anything she’s got on her plate that would cause her to be late, and offering to help however I can (like picking up the dry cleaning so she can wear her favorite dress) Leaders help other team members succeed at playing the game. Allow for Vulnerability In order for players of an infinite game to want to play – especially over the long term – they need to feel safe to be themselves. You’d be surprised how many couples are held back because they are afraid to take off the masks they’re wearing. Whether it’s a literal mask, and you’re afraid to let your partner see you naked, or without makeup… Or whether it’s a metaphorical mask – maybe you feel like you always need to put on a happy face and pretend “everything is fine” even when it’s not. If you don’t feel like you’ll be accepted for being your true self in your relationship, there’s only close close you can get. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard say something like, “Our marriage would be SO much better if my partner would just ________.” Often times the thing they list is an inherent personality trait the their partner will likely never change. They don’t realize what they’re saying is, “Our marriage would be SO much better if my partner was somebody else.” That comment might make you laugh… or it might hit really close to home and make you cringe. When you allow for vulnerability in your marriage, you celebrate your differences rather than punishing each other for them You allow each other to take risks and make mistakes. You don’t make each other live in fear of retribution or retaliation if things don’t pan out perfectly, or if you don’t get your way. You accept your partner for exactly who they are, including their strengths and weaknesses. Choose a Worthy Adversary In a finite game, your adversary is meant to be defeated. There is a winner, and there is a loser. You want to be the winner. You want your adversary to be the loser. An infinite game is different. Your adversary is meant to be treated with respect. Your success or failure doesn’t have anything to do with your adversary’s success or failure. Your adversary is simply used as a mirror against which you can compare yourself in order to become aware of your weaknesses, shortcomings, and areas for growth. In marriage, your adversary should push you to improve. To be more kind, more thoughtful, more patient. To look for new ways to appreciate your partner or create spontaneity and surprise. In your infinite game, your worthy adversary pushes you harder than anyone else to become the best version of yourself in order to fulfill your just cause. Be Flexible With Your Game Plan One of the quickest paths to failure when playing an infinite game is to commit to a “fixed strategy.” If you think your marriage should follow a specific game plan - and anything that deviates from that plan is a failure - you are going to have a rough time. So many people approach life as a finite game with milestones that indicate whether they are winning or losing. This was mine: > Graduate high school at 18 > Graduate college in early 20’s > Get a great career > Get married in mid 20’s > Buy a house > Have babies in late 20’s and early 30’s… (At some point you may have envisioned a similar story for yourself.) Well guess what? MY LIFE DIDN’T HAPPEN THAT WAY! I’ve quit jobs, moved back in with my parents, started multiple businesses, I didn’t get married till my 30’s, I still don’t have kids… I’ve had to be flexible with my plan! When you’re unable to be flexible with your plan, you’ll self-destruct. I’ve seen it happen. People have complete meltdowns. They say, “My life isn’t supposed to look like this!” They miss all that is good in their life, because they can’t be flexible. They surrender their happiness to things outside their control. If you want to be happy in life and marriage, you have to be flexible. You have to adapt to whatever life throws at you, and be committed to make the best of it. That’s what it means to have a flexible game plan. Are You Ready to Play? There’s no game more enjoyable than an infinite game if you can learn to play it well. Your marriage is the ultimate infinite game. No other infinite game will bring you as much joy, fulfillment, happiness, peace, and contentment. How will your life change if you start treating your marriage like an infinite game? In what ways are you treating it like a finite game, and how is that holding you back? Let’s experiment in 2020 and see what happens if you treat your marriage like an infinite game… leave your ideas for how to be successful in the comments!
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