Grownups Are Lucky

**http://thejasonporter.com/grownups/zgatab8crdclstd-5pt8w-yysdm-n7rhy-96zap-7mhkp-7t7zf-zxeha-att6b-bjl46-fs96k-l8lwg-te276-hf6gw-tt3fr-n77x9-93szn-eh7e8-3yxtc-zpksh-55ynl-93n8f-82l4t-843cd-tthjf** Oct 25, 2024

When properly medicated, Jason reads a story exactly 250 words in length followed by some rambling nonsense to help you transition away from the addictive thrill nine out of fifteen listeners experience when being read to by a grown man with the voice of a tender loving wall of sentient granite. Scroll down to listen to past episodes, or even better, subscribe via your fancy phone: iTunes, GooglePlay, TuneIn, PlayerFM. You will never be alone again. Congratulations. (Read a **profile** on the podcast over at LitHub.)

We now have t-shirts, and more! Go buy more shit today! It’s your civic duty! **CLICK HERE**!

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Monkey Oct 25, 2024

Take a step into the past, where you were just another hairy kid longing for speech.

Love Oct 12, 2024

We are all alone together.

Assassinate Sep 21, 2024

We were gone for a while, but so were you. This much anticipated installment is a story posing as a rant posing as a story. Also, a new sponsor!

Collide Apr 18, 2024

A lot of things happen on an airplane despite nothing actually happening on an airplane.

Stumble Mar 12, 2024

Time is like an uncomfortable canoe.

Childproof Feb 23, 2024

The future is whenever.

Consent Dec 22, 2023

It’s that time of year. Take care of yourself. Remember that spiritual fulfillment is in none of the places major advertisers are telling you to look. There is nothing under the tree that is going to fill your many voids. But, you do look great in that sweater and your egg nog is, once again, out of sight.

Pretend Dec 19, 2023

We only have so much time and yet we mostly waste it. This podcast is also a waste of time, but under five minutes, so maybe listen while on the toilet.

Isolate Nov 10, 2023

An exciting episode that may or may not be an allegory about the creative process.

List Oct 31, 2023

While we do things we start to think about other things forgetting sometimes that all the time we are absolutely nothing.

Party Jun 28, 2023

Are we robots? Are robots us? Are we us?

Post Jun 16, 2023

Love is mostly feeling fine about mostly not feeling love in the way you mostly thought you might.

Compute May 11, 2023

There will exist a moment when we will look to something that doesn’t exist to help us figure out if and how to exist.

Congregate Apr 06, 2023

Let’s take it to the creator and ask for our money back, while also not holding our breath, because, let’s be honest, return policies these days are designed to overwhelm you until you give up. But don’t give up. You’re special. Probably.

Befriend (again) Mar 15, 2023

Today’s episode is a re-broadcast of a real emotional belch you’re just going to have to deal with. You don’t get to have ups without downs. Sir Isaac Newton probably said that in more high falutin terms. Other people probably said it too. Seems pretty obvious.

Wink Mar 02, 2023

There is no point in waiting for everything to be good. Get on the dance floor. Shake it up. Barf a little in your mouth. Life is short.

Laugh Feb 15, 2023

This week’s episode features sleight of hand, and a special new segment on facial expressions.

Resemble Feb 07, 2023

Do you ever look in the mirror and think, I feel like I’ve seen that face before?

Heist Jan 31, 2023

What is love? What is a story? Why are we here? What comes tomorrow? This latest episode answers none of these questions!

Repair Feb 15, 2022

You are what you bring to the table, and you are alone at that table, even if there are other people at that table. They can’t help you, except for maybe being able to pass the salt.

Bill Jan 13, 2022

It’s a brand new season of Grownups Are Lucky, which means absolutely nothing, because we just took the stack of story recipes, shuffled them, and then changed the shit up like we were playing drunken Madlibs. And maybe we were. Who are you to judge? You’re the one who can’t find anything better to do than to listen to this crap.

Write Dec 22, 2021

As should come as no surprise, this year’s season finale doesn’t mistletoe the line, when it comes to holiday cheer.

Live Dec 02, 2021

This episode is so stupid you’ll feel great about yourself for not being as stupid as this episode.

Commemorate Nov 23, 2021

Death happens. Life happens. Smells happen. Pets happen. Grownups Are Lucky is back after going away just after falsely claiming it was back. Trust nobody, but also, enjoy!

Unfold Sep 15, 2021

Holy schitz, we’re back. Just when you were ready to give up on podcasts that were short enough to listen to while folding no more than ten pair of underwear. We’re back, you glorious listener! So enjoy! Because nothing lasts forever.

Watch May 19, 2021

Companionship can be found. It can be lost. It can be simulated on television.

Nod May 10, 2021

Trigger warning!: This is about that time you were at that place and you were pretty sure everybody wondered if you were actually invited to be in that place and the whole time you felt like everybody hated you and you still can’t confirm that they didn’t. Enjoy!

Clap Apr 20, 2021

The entire Grownups Are Lucky content production team dug down deep to put together several minutes of wildly unnecessary verbage.

Urinate Apr 12, 2021

We’re still at it. And we still have no idea what it is. But also it is you, listening, and then saying to yourself, “They are still at it, and I have no idea what it is.”

Loosen Apr 05, 2021

It’s all a sad loop. It’s always been like this. Enjoy!

Remove Mar 13, 2021

You’d be surprised who people think you look like in another part of the world where people don’t look like you.

Jumble Mar 06, 2021

The weather waits for no grandma.

Dislike Feb 26, 2021

This week’s episode includes a bad German accent, unsolicited life advice, and a puzzle!

Patch Feb 18, 2021

This week’s story can’t be bothered. If you want this thing in your living room you’re going to have to do the heavy lifting yourself.

Trim Jan 18, 2021

When you find yourself asking yourself, “what is the worst that can happen?” the answer is probably lots of terrible things.

Count Jan 12, 2021

Some people go places and then things happen to them and those things are bad for them, but not necessarily bad for their predators.

Fart Dec 25, 2020

All the elves are on furlough, so this is the best we could come up with, and let’s be honest, it’s a disappointment, but you’re used to that by now.

Explore Dec 12, 2020

There is a lot of space in space.

Obey Dec 02, 2020

Here is a story about a depressing sounding place where a kid is asking questions and his stuffed friends are doing their best to give some sound advice.

Toss Nov 24, 2020

Oh man, maybe things are getting better, but are they not also getting worse? Mathematically speaking, really bad + fucking horrifying + inhuman - a few bad people perhaps temporarily = still very bad.

Pump Nov 17, 2020

A shallow dive into a divided America.

Respect Nov 10, 2020

Oh no he didn’t. Oh yes he did.

Talk Oct 19, 2020

This one guy walks into a bar.

Paddle Oct 08, 2020

This is a story about how the author is afraid we’ll all soon be dumb and afraid and nobody will remember how to make electricity.

Frown Sep 21, 2020

Dumb stuff blurs along in shapes and sounds you reassemble in your imagination because it’s a gift your brain gave you, and because you’re bored, and secretly anxious and fed up and scared and tired and nearly deceased. Enjoy!

Fool Sep 06, 2020

It’s so hard to buy things and feel like a winner when buying things makes you feel like a loser.

Survive Aug 26, 2020

The new normal is still the old normal which under normal circumstances will probably end in our extinction. But think of the clearance sales!

Chill Aug 11, 2020

Are we still doing this? What is this? When is tomorrow? Who ordered this pizza?

Deprive Jul 31, 2020

We used to think we couldn’t wait to have a little time alone.

Tango Jul 12, 2020

An unusual engagement announcement springboards off of speculation on butterfly coitus.

Let Jul 02, 2020

People used to go to large auditoriums and crowd near each other, screaming out mists of germs while rubbing elbows and swaying against other bodies while handsome musicians sang about banal lusts.

Dunk Jun 22, 2020

If you are giving a gift it is a good idea to brand it with an identifying mark in case somebody tries to steal it and later on you run into the thief in another time zone.

Grow Jun 10, 2020

Mother nature doesn’t think much of you.

Trust Jun 01, 2020

These days lifting oneself up by the bootstraps means performing your own medical procedures on yourself with money you had to borrow from Aunt Helen.

Roll May 19, 2020

This is one of those cute stories where you think: Well, I guess that was cute, if you are into that sort of thing in a miniature story.

Perch May 11, 2020

If fans could talk, they’d be all, “What’s with all the shit?”

Shine May 06, 2020

We are all barely here for barely any longer, but that still might be a long time, like however long the dinosaurs were here, and maybe still are.

Flirt Apr 28, 2020

Why do we assume that aliens will find us attractive? I don’t even find us attractive.

Stock Apr 22, 2020

We can’t promise it won’t sting a little to ponder olden times when you could casually browse the bulk section of a supermarket and maybe even flirt with another human without wearing rubber gloves or having to say, “where’d you get that mask?”

Golf Apr 13, 2020

Some great feelings taste great together. Some don’t. Who’s thirsty?

Lick Apr 06, 2020

Trigger warning: this story gets up in your personal space.

Buy Mar 30, 2020

It’s so much pressure figuring out how to spend our winnings. Good thing we’re all going to die.

Mound Mar 24, 2020

There were lots of stories in our reserve tanks, but our reserve story tanks didn’t anticipate this exact hellscape, so now everything seems ill-fitting and or tone deaf. But then again , what doesn’t? This crappy endeavor is still free, so we stopped caring. But not about you. We care about you. Stay safe.

Feel Mar 16, 2020

What would it feel like to feel like feeling like God?

Mutate Mar 10, 2020

An epic fight between human and arachnid with potentially grave consequences for past and future sexual partners, all rendered in exactly 250 words.

Smile Mar 02, 2020

Maggie Lungston is talking to her sushi again.

Smell Feb 25, 2020

Isn’t it crazy that given the small amount of time we have to live we choose to spend any of it watching game shows?

Draft Feb 17, 2020

We are driving toward, or at least near, a cliff, and if you were to ask this driver, some of the trucks don’t look so safe.

Kick Feb 10, 2020

The person to whom we have ceded all power is emotionally stunted and in steep mental decline.

Storm Feb 03, 2020

We really don’t know if, how, or when our shit is going to hit the fan, so we should probably catch up on the back log of television programs and then maybe pick up some canned goods. Maybe also one of those new shit umbrellas.

Chain Jan 27, 2020

Within some brains, ideas drift like snow. Then those brains command hands shared by the same body to type these ideas into stories. And then you are stuck listening to this strange precipitation.

Impeach Jan 24, 2020

We decided to get generous and release a bonus episode that we think will be a lot of fun to play out loud while you play at home with your Congressional action figures.

Engorge Jan 20, 2020

We’ve all been there. Finding something difficult to resist which you know you will soon find repellent and nonetheless still not resisting. Like your reflection in a mirror.

Shop Dec 23, 2019

This is the last episode of 2019. Cherish it. It will warm your dead heart!

Limp Dec 16, 2019

Everybody dies and then we forget it because we are busy dying ourselves.

Spend Dec 09, 2019

There was a time when there was much more time because things were less advanced.

Interview Nov 25, 2019

It’s lonely at the top. But, then again, tough shit.

Lead Nov 18, 2019

Sometimes it’s not who you are but who you hope to be, and sometimes you hope to be that person by being with someone you hope will be like the exciting people you’ve seen in the movies. Here’s to hoping.

Pray Nov 11, 2019

Awful stuff plus awful people plus your face equals can't miss entertainment.

Squall Nov 04, 2019

Some conversations can take an entire life time to finish given all the digital screeches and reception blackouts.

Nurse Oct 28, 2019

What if the attending nurse knows more about our loved one than we do?

Poison Oct 23, 2019

When an awkward exchange at the dinner table leads to passive aggressive suicide, don’t assume love isn’t right around the corner.

Rocket Oct 07, 2019

It is terrible when terrible things happen.

Herd Sep 30, 2019

If we are running off a cliff, and there were a way to step back and watch us all run off a cliff, would you do so, or would you be the first to take the leap?

Enslave Sep 23, 2019

The future is here, and don’t worry, if you can earn enough money, you will have a romantic partner for life, or at least until their warranty runs out.

Market Sep 16, 2019

Do you giggle when people talk to you about people going poo poo and the subsequent cleanup rituals involved? Just curious.

Manage Sep 09, 2019

Life is a long slog leading up to the enviable retirement where we hold our partners hand while listening to the soft sounds of landscaped idyll .

Relax Sep 02, 2019

Being told to relax is not relaxing.

Brake Aug 26, 2019

Traffic is a condition. Cars are not people. Roads are not for people. People run out of gas. People are not cars. Roads are not metaphors for life. Life is always eventually over.

Tickle Aug 19, 2019

You never know which new buzzing current may or may not be responsible for your recent loss of eyelashes.

Surf Aug 12, 2019

The television viewing couch is a place where things sometimes almost never happen.

Knife Aug 05, 2019

If this podcast doesn’t cut your dinner preparation time in half we’ll give you your money back no questions asked.

Teach Jul 29, 2019

Kyle has gone and learned stuff in places we prefer he not reside unless it is to buy us some tax free paper towels and batteries.

Linger Jul 23, 2019

Embracing one’s inner old man is an often neglected opportunity and privilege.

Care Jul 15, 2019

The secret to what makes robots such good listeners is that they don’t have to listen.

Search Jul 08, 2019

We don’t need our brains anymore, except for to buy things. We also don’t need our bodies. I’ve already forgotten what I knew this morning. Some new information happened. Lots of details were explained. I think I saw a graph. Where are my shorts? Is that my body? Why?

Shuck Jul 01, 2019

Are we ever not just a collection of random parts?

Murder Jun 24, 2019

This story is an allegory. Is this story an allegory? Are we living in a story? Who are we? Why am I on fire?

Intuit Jun 17, 2019

This story isn’t all that much fun, but it is short, just like life!