Sports

Espresso

Stand Up Comedian Benedict Polizzi gives listeners horrendous advice

Latest Episodes:

Starter Jacket... Instant BFF's | How'd You Meet Your Best Friend? | Espresso Pod 437 Sep 20, 2026

Show notes

How did you actually meet your best friend? If they weren't wearing a starter jacket or you didn't absolutely hate them you're not actual friends babe 👯

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Send this to your homies to support the pod!
https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi

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🧢 "𝗕𝗔𝗟𝗗"𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝟱𝟬% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/

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*TIMESTAMP CHAPTERS*

*0:00 - Intro*
*7:25 - How Do You Meet Your Best Friend?*
*9:00 - Childhood Best-Friend Origin Stories*
*18:03 - The Random Celebrity Question*
*21:42 - Becoming Friends When Someone Falls Down*
*29:26 - “Bro, Did You Study?” College Friendships*
*33:18 - How Fashion Creates Instant Connections*
*36:02 - When Hating Someone Turns Into Friendship*
*39:42 - The Starbucks Best-Friend Story*
*45:19 - Why Seeing Someone Be Dumb Builds Trust*
*49:12 - Becoming Best Friends Over Food*
*54:24 - The Family Dinner With Almost No Food*
*59:18 - Sneaking a Friend Into the House*
*1:07:46 - Meeting Your Best Friend at a Strip Club*
*1:13:02 - College Classes, Gym Friends & Lifelong Friendships*

The Teacher With A Pet Flea In A Locket (Weird Substitute Teachers) Sep 03, 2026

Show notes

You haven't truly had an eating disorder until you eat ten bunless Big Macs with a knife and fork 😙 Today we remember why high school kids are the most ruthless people on earth and why putting Pepto-Bismol in your math teacher's coffee is rat tail kid activity. Don't act like you wouldn't sign up for a government-funded week of going back to high school at age 35 just so you can cater lunch from Qdoba and depants your bois in the hallway 😎 Love ya fam see ya sunday🫡

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Send this to your homies to support the pod!
https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi

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**TIMESTAMP CHAPTERS**

**0:00 - Intro**
**2:40 - Leaving your car running for four hours while substitute teaching**
**5:35 - Playing indoor ruler baseball with Mr. Bogardis**
**7:50 - Mrs. Anderson and the hair scarf showdown**
**9:00 - Proposing high school week for thirty-five-year-olds**
**12:15 - Hiring pale nerds and the situational hotness trap**
**17:45 - The substitute teacher with a pet flea in a locket**
**21:45 - Art class prop comedy and calling the ice cream shop on a stapler**
**25:50 - Turning in your Scratten and religion class junk resituating**
**29:10 - Mr. French's Assateague Island elementary camping trip**
**36:05 - Searing cream cheese bagels on the bottom of a dirty shoe**
**38:50 - Shuffling I hate Miss Phillips messages onto math quizzes**
**42:20 - Spotting the Chris Farley lookalike sub eating wings at Hooters**
**46:30 - Native American lesbian PE teachers screaming about untied shoes**
**52:40 - Off pizza for four months and fighting the pizza demons**

College QB I kissed at A Party Freshman Year ily? (Missed Connections) Aug 20, 2026

Show notes

Today we go through the ones who got away 💔 it can be the blonde girl who wanted you on your business trip or literally when the timberwolves passed on steph curry 😭 is it the time you missed the Schwan's Ice cream truck outside? Or when the college QB kissed you at a party freshman year and never saw his sexy ahhh again? If you fumbled your first kiss bc your homies kept calling you about your fantasy football draft it's not a missed connection it just means your for the boiiis😏 Love you fam ☕️ See you on Livestream Sunday Tahhaaa

5 grilled cheeses every day from Menards (What'd u get caught stealing?)| Espresso Pod 431 Aug 06, 2026

Show notes

If u don't shave your best friend's leg with your bare foot while sleeping next to them are you even friends? What if I told you I stole 72 egg whites out of a Whole Foods soup container and got cornered by self-checkout security lady? We break down how to run an illicit grocery twist-tie bead ring syndicate at a summer daycare and hold back the urge from buying a black-market Barney VHS all while pretending we didn't HOUSE five stolen grilled cheese sandwiches in the Menards break room. KISS ME WHERE I STAND 🫡 Luv u fam🙏 See ya on Patreon this sunday 😏

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Send this to your homies to support the pod!
https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi

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Green Ketchup Meatloaf (Best Meal Your Mom Made You) Jul 23, 2026

Show notes

The Fam put on a CLINIC with voice msgs this week 🫡 I'm still trying to decide if eating green ketchup meatloaf makes you a complete lunatic or a straight up visionary. BTW THIS IS A PRO PEAS PODCAST🫛 IF YOU DON'T LIKE PEAS GTFO. Quick question you tryna dig holes in an empty lot sometime? Luh U💕
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Send this to your homies to support the pod!
https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi

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Swae Lee's Baby Pigs (Wildest thing You've Seen at Someones House?) Jul 09, 2026

Show notes

Brb gotta hotbox a house from the underground railroad taaahaaa 😮‍💨 On this ep we learn Swae Lee has baby pigs and eating macaroni off of Tupperware lids at your weird friend's house builds character. Btw if you don't fake wash your hands in the bathroom and pretend to like ur divorced dad's fat-free tortilla chips and beans this isn't the pod for you bbygrl 💋 P.S. Kiss me everyday

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Send this to your homies to support the pod!
https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi

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Tyrese Haliburton's Achilles (Heartbreak) Jun 25, 2026

Show notes

No we don’t get emotional when the Chainsmokers plays in our AirPods at the gym?? This weeks Q Q Q Question of the week: What’s ur REAL heartbreak? When u called off ur wedding? or when Tyrese Haliburton tore his Achilles? ehem💔 tahaaaaa

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Send this to your homies to support the pod!
https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi

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Faking A Miscarriage (Things u never told ur ex) Jun 11, 2026

Show notes

You ever eat 3 dry Taco Bell cantina bowls on the side of the road with your hazard lights on? U ever lock eyes with ur gf's fully naked 73 year old dad on all fours? Me neither 👀 We try to figure out why German chocolate cake looks like baby throw up and how using Grand Theft Auto cheat codes are the only way to satisfy your girl. Oh hey we know you pee in public locker room showers just admit it. P.S. if the top of ur gf's head doesn't smell exactly like a fresh pot of Velveeta macaroni she's not ur gf 🧀
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Send this to your homies to support the pod!
https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi

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Olive Garden Bread Bowls (Inventions) Espresso Pod 421 May 28, 2026

Show notes

Killing thousands of mad guests on Rollercoaster Tycoon and installing a functioning toilet directly into your car passenger seat? Sounds like a spress pod to me babe. We’re ending our lives over Olive Garden refusing to make garlic bread bowls and why can’t we pull up to an AMC theater to watch the super bowl? One sec i’m scheduling a robot to walk my dog at 1:30pm🦮

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Send this to your homies to support the pod!
https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi

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Seth Rogen is a bad actor (Done Pretending) | Espresso Pod 419 May 14, 2026

Show notes

Air hockeying nuts into a kid's mouth at the lunch table and screaming at your coworker's dog is just what happens when you finally stop pretending. We realize putting Pop-Tarts in the freezer is a crime against humanity and throwing down a five dollar bill for Little Caesars pizza is the ultimate flex. Stop acting like you don’t sneak 8 leftover donuts from your car after a first date and blast divorced dad rock otw home

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Send this to your homies to support the pod!
https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi

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TIMESTAMP CHAPTERS

0:00 - Intro
3:24 - Fruit punch is the worst flavor
8:08 - Air hockeying nuts into a kid's mouth
9:35 - Putting Pop-Tarts in the freezer
13:11 - Done pretending about hockey games
20:41 - Fast food limited time items
32:33 - Seth Rogen is not a good actor
33:14 - The zig zag hair part
39:20 - Asking how is everything
45:02 - Pretending to care about your dog
52:30 - Quitting your eighth grade math job
57:28 - Glazing divorced dad rock
59:44 - Apple watch rings and running stats
1:08:05 - Ozempic weight loss shortcuts
1:12:10 - Little Caesars is the best pizza

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