Encountering You

Latest Episodes:

Resentment Is Hurt That Never Got Spoken Oct 21, 2026

Show notes

Ever notice how some hurt fades on its own, while other hurt seems to just harden? In this episode, we look at the difference between hurt and resentment and why resentment is so often just hurt that never got named or spoken out loud. We'll cover how to tell the two apart, how resentment quietly builds over time, and a practical, step-by-step way to actually work through resentment instead of either exploding or burying it.

In This Episode:

What hurt is, physiologically and emotionally, and why it tends to soften with time and acknowledgment
What resentment actually is and why it hardens instead of fading
Practical ways to tell the two apart (spoiler: scorekeeping is a big tell)
The most common ways resentment quietly builds unspoken expectations, unaddressed boundary violations, self-abandonment
A five-step process for working through resentment, from finding the hurt underneath it to deciding whether to speak up or let it go
Practical tools: the unsent letter, journaling the grievance, and reframing forgiveness as something you do for yourself

Key Takeaway

Resentment isn't a character flaw it's usually hurt that never got a voice. The way through is naming what actually happened and what you needed, not just trying to "let it go."

Not Everyone You Call a Narcissist Is One Oct 07, 2026

Show notes

"Narcissist" might be one of the most overused words online right now, thrown at exes, bosses, and parents alike. But narcissism isn't a light switch; it's a spectrum, from healthy self-regard all the way to a clinical diagnosis. In this episode, we unpack what narcissism actually means, why the loud, grandiose stereotype isn't the whole picture, and how to protect yourself in a relationship with someone high in narcissistic traits without turning pop psychology into a diagnosis you hand out to everyone who's hurt you.

In This Episode:

The difference between healthy narcissism, narcissistic traits, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
What NPD actually involves clinically and why it's more than just "arrogant"
Grandiose (overt) vs. vulnerable (covert) narcissism, and why covert often goes unnoticed
A gentle look at where narcissistic traits tend to come from
How narcissistic traits show up in romantic relationships, families, and workplaces
Common myths about narcissism, debunked
How to set boundaries and protect yourself with or without a diagnosis

Key Takeaway

You don't need a diagnosis to set a boundary. Focus on the impact someone's behavior has on you, not on whether you can correctly label them and get support for yourself if you're navigating a relationship with someone high in narcissistic traits.

A Note Before You Listen

This episode is educational, not diagnostic. Please don't use it to diagnose a specific person in your life (or yourself) — only a qualified clinician can do that.

Is It Stress, or Is It Trauma? Sep 23, 2026

Show notes

We often use "stressed" and "traumatized" like they're interchangeable but your nervous system treats them very differently. In this episode, we break down what's actually happening in your body during everyday stress versus a trauma response, why the same situation can trigger wildly different reactions in different people, and how to tell which one you're dealing with so you can actually reach for the right tool to help yourself.

In This Episode:

What's physiologically happening during a normal stress response (and why it's designed to resolve on its own)
What makes a trauma response different — including the lesser-known "freeze" and "fawn" responses beyond fight-or-flight
The "window of tolerance" and why trauma can make it feel smaller
A simple set of questions to help you tell whether you're having a stress reaction or a trauma response
Different coping tools for each — and why "just calm down" doesn't work for trauma responses
Why chronic, unmanaged stress can start to look and feel like trauma over time

Key Takeaway

You don't have to label your reaction perfectly to start taking care of yourself but naming it accurately helps you stop blaming yourself for "overreacting" and start reaching for what will actually help.

Permission to Play Sep 09, 2026

Show notes

Ashley is back and this time we're talking about play, spontaneity, and joy through the HOCI lens of moderation. I grew up not knowing how to play. She grew up playing naturally but maybe using it for regulation. In this honest, funny, and personal conversation, we talk about what we've each had to learn from the other, why play and joy are core to healthy functioning, and what it looks like to find the middle, especially if you tend to live at one end of the spectrum.

What we will talk about:

What play actually is and what gets in the way of it for each of us
The HOCI moderation lens: too little play and too much unmoderated play both come at a cost
What our friendship has taught each of us about joy, spontaneity, and boundaries
What we see clinically in clients who have no play and in clients who use play to avoid
Honest, unscripted questions we asked each other for the first time, live on the podcast

The Friendships We Don't Plan For Aug 26, 2026

Show notes

Adult friendship doesn't happen by accident, it happens on purpose. In this conversation with Ashley, co-owner of our counseling practice and my best friend, we talk about why making friends as an adult is genuinely harder, why so many good friendships quietly fade under busyness, and what it actually takes to move a friendship from surface-level to real. We will also discuss concrete takeaways—things you can actually do this week.

We will talk about:

Why making friends as an adult is harder than it was in school and what actually work?
Why friendships fade during busy seasons, and how to keep them alive without grand gestures
What keeps friendships stuck at surface level and how to move toward real depth
Practical takeaways for building, maintaining, and deepening friendships
A real, honest conversation between two friends who run a counseling practice together

Five key takeaways:

Proximity repeated over time beats instant connection
Be the one who initiates, even when it's vulnerable
Lower the bar for contact; small deposits count
Name the season instead of disappearing
Ask one real question instead of five surface ones

Tending to Yourself Is Not Selfish Aug 12, 2026

Show notes

Self-care isn't a spa day or a to-do list. In the HOCI model, it's one of the six core areas of healthy human functioning -- the ability to identify and tend to your own needs across four domains: physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual. In this episode we look at why self-care breaks down, what the value wound has to do with it, and why the cultural version of self-care leaves a lot of people -- especially men -- out entirely. If you've ever felt like tending to yourself was somehow selfish, this one's for you.

IN THIS EPISODE

The HOCI definition of self-care -- and why it's broader and more serious than the cultural version
Why self-care breaks down: the value wound, codependence, and the belief that needs are selfish
The four domains: physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual -- and what neglect in each one costs
A direct conversation about men and self-care: what men are taught about needs, and what that costs them
What self-care actually looks like for men -- practical and without the cultural baggage
How self-care connects to all six HOCI principles
Why giving from depletion isn't generosity -- it's a slow burn

REFLECTION QUESTION

In which of the four domains -- physical, emotional, relational, spiritual -- are you most depleted right now? And what is the story you tell yourself about why you don't have permission to tend to it?

When the Wound Runs the Show Jul 29, 2026

Show notes

A wounded sense of worth doesn't stay in childhood. It follows you into your work, your relationships, and the story you tell about who you are. In Part 2, we trace the value wound into adulthood -- the achievement treadmill that never stops, the relationships where love never quite feels safe, the inner critic that renders verdicts instead of feedback. Then we look at how a value wound shapes identity, why identity crises are often doorways rather than disasters, and what genuine healing actually looks like.

IN THIS EPISODE

How the value wound shows up at work: perfectionism, imposter syndrome, the inability to rest
How it shows up in relationships: over-giving, chronic reassurance-seeking, difficulty receiving love
The inner critic as internalized shame -- and why it renders verdicts, not feedback
How a wounded sense of worth produces a borrowed identity built on roles and approval
Why an identity crisis is often growth pushing back -- not something going wrong
What healing looks like -- and why it requires more than insight

If the borrowed identity fell away -- the role, the title, the thing you're known for -- what would be left? Is that terrifying? Or is there something in you that's curious about finding out?

You Were Worth It Then. You Are Worth It Now Jul 15, 2026

Show notes

Worth is not something you earn. But most of us grew up in environments that treated it like you could and should. In Part 1 of this two-part conversation, we look at the core issue of value: what inherent worth actually means, what children need to internalize it, and what happens when those needs aren't met. We also unpack the two directions a value wound tends to go one-up and one-down and the role shame plays in keeping the wound alive.

What we mean by inherent worth -- and why it can't be earned or lost
What children actually need to internalize value -- attunement, delight, unconditional love
One-up and one-down: the two ways a value wound shows up, and why most people oscillate between them
Shame vs. guilt -- a critical distinction that changes how we understand the wound
Why shame lives in the body -- and why insight alone can't reach it

Is there a belief about yourself you've never said out loud -- something you suspect might be true that you hope no one finds out? That's often where the shame lives.

COMING UP IN PART 2

How the value wound shows up in your work, your relationships, and your sense of identity -- and what healing actually looks like.

We're All a Little Codependent – Part 2 Jul 01, 2026

Show notes

In Part 1 we named the patterns of codependence. In Part 2 we go deeper – tracing codependence back to its developmental roots, looking honestly at what it costs us, and walking through what healing actually looks like using all six principles of the HOCI model. Not a new self. A more honest one.

In this episode we will look at:

What families teach without meaning to – and how attachment wounds become codependent patterns
Why you don't need a dramatic history to carry these wounds
The real cost: what codependence does to your body, your relationships, and your sense of self
What healing looks like through each of the six HOCI core areas – with a concrete practice to move forward

You were designed for real connection – not managed connection, not performed connection, not connection that costs you yourself. That kind of connection starts with knowing who you are. And that work is always available. Right here. Right now.

We're All a Little Codependent – Part 1 Jun 17, 2026

Show notes

Most people hear the word codependence and think: not me. But codependence isn't reserved for people in crisis or recovery – it's a spectrum, and most of us are somewhere on it. In Part 1, we look at what codependence actually is through the HOCI framework, and introduce five patterns that most people will recognize in themselves.

In this episode we will discuss:

The Healing Our Core Issues (HOCI) definition: codependence as difficulty knowing who you are separate from your relationships
Why it's a developmental issue, not a character flaw – and why the spectrum matters
How culture and faith communities can quietly reinforce codependent patterns
The five faces: the caretaker, the peacekeeper, the controller, the chameleon, and the one who leaves first

We're not diagnosing. We're getting curious.