Encountering You

Latest Episodes:

Is It Stress, or Is It Trauma? Sep 23, 2026

Show notes

We often use "stressed" and "traumatized" like they're interchangeable but your nervous system treats them very differently. In this episode, we break down what's actually happening in your body during everyday stress versus a trauma response, why the same situation can trigger wildly different reactions in different people, and how to tell which one you're dealing with so you can actually reach for the right tool to help yourself.

In This Episode:

What's physiologically happening during a normal stress response (and why it's designed to resolve on its own)
What makes a trauma response different — including the lesser-known "freeze" and "fawn" responses beyond fight-or-flight
The "window of tolerance" and why trauma can make it feel smaller
A simple set of questions to help you tell whether you're having a stress reaction or a trauma response
Different coping tools for each — and why "just calm down" doesn't work for trauma responses
Why chronic, unmanaged stress can start to look and feel like trauma over time

Key Takeaway

You don't have to label your reaction perfectly to start taking care of yourself but naming it accurately helps you stop blaming yourself for "overreacting" and start reaching for what will actually help.

Permission to Play Sep 09, 2026

Show notes

Ashley is back and this time we're talking about play, spontaneity, and joy through the HOCI lens of moderation. I grew up not knowing how to play. She grew up playing naturally but maybe using it for regulation. In this honest, funny, and personal conversation, we talk about what we've each had to learn from the other, why play and joy are core to healthy functioning, and what it looks like to find the middle, especially if you tend to live at one end of the spectrum.

What we will talk about:

What play actually is and what gets in the way of it for each of us
The HOCI moderation lens: too little play and too much unmoderated play both come at a cost
What our friendship has taught each of us about joy, spontaneity, and boundaries
What we see clinically in clients who have no play and in clients who use play to avoid
Honest, unscripted questions we asked each other for the first time, live on the podcast

The Friendships We Don't Plan For Aug 26, 2026

Show notes

Adult friendship doesn't happen by accident, it happens on purpose. In this conversation with Ashley, co-owner of our counseling practice and my best friend, we talk about why making friends as an adult is genuinely harder, why so many good friendships quietly fade under busyness, and what it actually takes to move a friendship from surface-level to real. We will also discuss concrete takeaways—things you can actually do this week.

We will talk about:

Why making friends as an adult is harder than it was in school and what actually work?
Why friendships fade during busy seasons, and how to keep them alive without grand gestures
What keeps friendships stuck at surface level and how to move toward real depth
Practical takeaways for building, maintaining, and deepening friendships
A real, honest conversation between two friends who run a counseling practice together

Five key takeaways:

Proximity repeated over time beats instant connection
Be the one who initiates, even when it's vulnerable
Lower the bar for contact; small deposits count
Name the season instead of disappearing
Ask one real question instead of five surface ones

Tending to Yourself Is Not Selfish Aug 12, 2026

Show notes

Self-care isn't a spa day or a to-do list. In the HOCI model, it's one of the six core areas of healthy human functioning -- the ability to identify and tend to your own needs across four domains: physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual. In this episode we look at why self-care breaks down, what the value wound has to do with it, and why the cultural version of self-care leaves a lot of people -- especially men -- out entirely. If you've ever felt like tending to yourself was somehow selfish, this one's for you.

IN THIS EPISODE

The HOCI definition of self-care -- and why it's broader and more serious than the cultural version
Why self-care breaks down: the value wound, codependence, and the belief that needs are selfish
The four domains: physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual -- and what neglect in each one costs
A direct conversation about men and self-care: what men are taught about needs, and what that costs them
What self-care actually looks like for men -- practical and without the cultural baggage
How self-care connects to all six HOCI principles
Why giving from depletion isn't generosity -- it's a slow burn

REFLECTION QUESTION

In which of the four domains -- physical, emotional, relational, spiritual -- are you most depleted right now? And what is the story you tell yourself about why you don't have permission to tend to it?

When the Wound Runs the Show Jul 29, 2026

Show notes

A wounded sense of worth doesn't stay in childhood. It follows you into your work, your relationships, and the story you tell about who you are. In Part 2, we trace the value wound into adulthood -- the achievement treadmill that never stops, the relationships where love never quite feels safe, the inner critic that renders verdicts instead of feedback. Then we look at how a value wound shapes identity, why identity crises are often doorways rather than disasters, and what genuine healing actually looks like.

IN THIS EPISODE

How the value wound shows up at work: perfectionism, imposter syndrome, the inability to rest
How it shows up in relationships: over-giving, chronic reassurance-seeking, difficulty receiving love
The inner critic as internalized shame -- and why it renders verdicts, not feedback
How a wounded sense of worth produces a borrowed identity built on roles and approval
Why an identity crisis is often growth pushing back -- not something going wrong
What healing looks like -- and why it requires more than insight

If the borrowed identity fell away -- the role, the title, the thing you're known for -- what would be left? Is that terrifying? Or is there something in you that's curious about finding out?

You Were Worth It Then. You Are Worth It Now Jul 15, 2026

Show notes

Worth is not something you earn. But most of us grew up in environments that treated it like you could and should. In Part 1 of this two-part conversation, we look at the core issue of value: what inherent worth actually means, what children need to internalize it, and what happens when those needs aren't met. We also unpack the two directions a value wound tends to go one-up and one-down and the role shame plays in keeping the wound alive.

What we mean by inherent worth -- and why it can't be earned or lost
What children actually need to internalize value -- attunement, delight, unconditional love
One-up and one-down: the two ways a value wound shows up, and why most people oscillate between them
Shame vs. guilt -- a critical distinction that changes how we understand the wound
Why shame lives in the body -- and why insight alone can't reach it

Is there a belief about yourself you've never said out loud -- something you suspect might be true that you hope no one finds out? That's often where the shame lives.

COMING UP IN PART 2

How the value wound shows up in your work, your relationships, and your sense of identity -- and what healing actually looks like.

We're All a Little Codependent – Part 2 Jul 01, 2026

Show notes

In Part 1 we named the patterns of codependence. In Part 2 we go deeper – tracing codependence back to its developmental roots, looking honestly at what it costs us, and walking through what healing actually looks like using all six principles of the HOCI model. Not a new self. A more honest one.

In this episode we will look at:

What families teach without meaning to – and how attachment wounds become codependent patterns
Why you don't need a dramatic history to carry these wounds
The real cost: what codependence does to your body, your relationships, and your sense of self
What healing looks like through each of the six HOCI core areas – with a concrete practice to move forward

You were designed for real connection – not managed connection, not performed connection, not connection that costs you yourself. That kind of connection starts with knowing who you are. And that work is always available. Right here. Right now.

We're All a Little Codependent – Part 1 Jun 17, 2026

Show notes

Most people hear the word codependence and think: not me. But codependence isn't reserved for people in crisis or recovery – it's a spectrum, and most of us are somewhere on it. In Part 1, we look at what codependence actually is through the HOCI framework, and introduce five patterns that most people will recognize in themselves.

In this episode we will discuss:

The Healing Our Core Issues (HOCI) definition: codependence as difficulty knowing who you are separate from your relationships
Why it's a developmental issue, not a character flaw – and why the spectrum matters
How culture and faith communities can quietly reinforce codependent patterns
The five faces: the caretaker, the peacekeeper, the controller, the chameleon, and the one who leaves first

We're not diagnosing. We're getting curious.

Am I Ever Fully Healed Jun 03, 2026

Show notes

I've been doing the work. I've read the books, sat in the sessions, had the hard conversations. And then something happens -- and I find myself right back in a pattern I thought I was done with. What is wrong with me? Am I ever going to get there?

If you've asked that question, this episode is for you.

"Am I fully healed?" is one of the most common questions that surfaces in therapy -- usually from the people who are working the hardest. Today we sit inside that question rather than rush past it. We look at what healing actually is through the lens of the Healing Our Core Issues (HOCI) framework, why the pattern coming back doesn't mean you're starting over, and how to be in a lifelong journey without it crushing you.

In this episode:

Why the idea of being "fully healed" may be the wrong goal
The spiral nature of healing -- and why returning to familiar territory isn't the same as going backward
What regression actually is (and what it isn't)
Why triggers are the curriculum, not the enemy
How spiritual communities can unintentionally add shame to the healing process
How to measure progress differently -- and give yourself credit for what has actually changed

The goal isn't to arrive. It's to become more yourself, more of the time.

Reflection question to carry with you: How is your relationship to the thing you've struggled with longest different today than it was two years ago -- even subtly?

Encountering You is a faith-informed podcast about mental health, healing, and the work of becoming more yourself.

Compromise Without Losing Self May 20, 2026

Show notes

Have you ever agreed to something and driven home feeling like you left a piece of yourself in that conversation? Or held so firm to your position that the relationship paid the price? Compromise gets a lot of good press -- but most of us have never learned the difference between healthy flexibility and quiet self-erasure. In this episode, we use the Healing Our Core Issues (HOCI) framework to look at what compromise actually requires, why it can feel so loaded, and how it shows up differently in the relationships that matter most. We talk about romantic partnerships, friendships, adult family relationships, and work -- and why the same pattern tends to show up across all of them. In this episode: Why compromise problems are often boundary or attachment wounds in disguise What self-abandonment looks like in everyday conversation How your attachment style shapes the way you handle conflict The difference between healthy flexibility and giving yourself away How to tell whether a compromise left you more solid -- or smaller The HOCI model gives us six core areas to work with: self-esteem, boundaries, owning your reality, self-care, moderation, and attachment. This episode uses all six. Reflection question to carry with you: Is there a relationship where you've been playing a role so long you've forgotten you're allowed to renegotiate it? Encountering You is a faith-informed podcast about mental health, healing, and the work of becoming more yourself.

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