Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

Latest Episodes:

262: Are you lonely? (ft. Jason Lange) Jun 23, 2023

Show notes

Ever have trouble concentrating, or beat yourself up for not getting more done? Do you give yourself a hard time for watching porn & masturbating? Wonder why you just can't kick that habit you know is unhealthy (smoking weed, playing video games, drinking alcohol, etc.)?

All of this is related to loneliness. Whether you live alone and work from home, are single and dating and longing for relationship, are divorced and missing what you used to have, or are in a relationship but often feel distant from your wife/partner ... life can be lonely.

And according to the US Surgeon General, "Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation has been an underappreciated public health crisis that has harmed individual and societal health."

We tend to think of feeling lonely as not that big a deal, but that couldn't be further from the truth. According to Psychology Today, "[c]lose relationships with other people have more of an impact on our physical health and longevity than even our genes do."

The other wrinkle here is that loneliness and social isolation tend to hit men harder. A full 15% of modern men report having no close friendships or relationships at all, and 44% of men 18 and up say they feel lonely all the time (that stat still blows my mind. I want to give everyone a hug).

So what do you do about it? How do you get more connected and start to feel more of a sense of belonging? Here, we delve into what it actually means to be lonely, as well as how to start to get more connection in your life on a regular basis. We share our personal experience of loneliness, as well as three concrete suggestions for how to get more connected.

We also talk about how meaningful connection is not just about being around other people; it’s about feeling safe to be your full, true, authentic self. To feel fully seen.

Because when we feel fully seen, we feel fully alive.

---

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here.

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

261: If I'm having doubts, does that mean she's not The One? (ft. Jason Lange) Jun 16, 2023

Show notes

"I just can't make up my mind. Sometimes I feel like I'm settling, and that makes me sad. Sometimes I feel blessed to have someone as amazing as this woman who wants to be with me.

The question I have is, if I'm having doubts or feelings that I might be settling, does that mean she's not The One? Or is it normal to have these feelings sometimes?"

If you've ever wondered whether you're in the right relationship or should seek something better, you're not alone! Dating is, in part, about figuring out whether you're with the right partner. But no one teaches us how to know whether it's right, especially if you sometimes have doubts.

Short story? Doubts don't mean everything, and they don't mean nothing. ;) Here, we delve into the fundamentals of "relationship ambivalence," anxious/avoidant attachment and how it relates to this, how porn can affect how you feel about your relationship, and what to truly look for when determining whether partner is the right one for you to build a happy, safe, healthy relationship with.

Mentioned on this episode:

Episode 128: Are you with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work!

If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here.

(https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

260: How do you make consent sexy? An adult film actress shares! (ft. Tasha Reign) Jun 09, 2023

Show notes

A lot of the men we work with don't want to be That Guy. The guy who's creepy or pervy or weird. The guy who makes women feel unsafe, whether on a date or in a relationship.

But how do you figure out how to get consent while still maintaining your masculine core? Is it uncool to ask for permission to kiss her? (Spoiler alert: No.) And how does consent work on a porn set? Porn stars still need to navigate the world of what's going to feel good for someone and what's not, and as it turns out, a lot of the process actually goes on off-camera!

Here, we delve into the wild and wondrous world of consent, as outlined by top adult film actress, author, and consent advocate Tasha Reign. If you've ever wanted to know what the differences are between porn sex and real-life sex, give this a listen!

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work! If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

259: Want her to feel safe with you, and free to be vulnerable? Learn to do this. (ft. Jason Lange) Jun 02, 2023

Show notes

All of the men we work with, whether married, dating, or single, want women to feel safe with them. It's important to them that women trust them -- that women feel secure around them (even if that's "just" on a dating app).

And women don't tend to feel deeply safe unless they feel claimed.

In one woman's words: “When a man doesn’t claim me, I feel anxious and stressed and find myself not wanting to be vulnerable."

Another said, "When a man doesn't claim me it feels confusing... like, 'Huh?' I'm like, 'Wtf is happening?' I feel anxious and unsettled, and I don't want to open up and be vulnerable. I feel wary and the need to be hypervigilant."

Claiming doesn't mean dominating. It's not about overpowering. Here, we go into depth around what claiming is and isn't, and how you can do it well. The good news? When you know how to claim well, your dating and sex life will improve. Your current relationship will get hotter and smoother.

If you're a man who wants women to feel safe with you, this is one to listen to.

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"When I feel claimed I feel safe and held. It makes me trust him and his leadership / guidance / direction."
"I can surrender and experience joy and be playful. I'm more willing to come along for the ride without having to worry about all the nitty-gritty details, like whether or not I'll be protected."
"I'd follow him anywhere."

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work! If you're committed to breaking old patterns and transforming your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we can help.

Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

258: Should you wait to get into a relationship in order to work on your stuff? & other popular questions (ft. me!) May 26, 2023

Show notes

Relate to any of the following dating and relationship questions?

In dating, I tend to get attached/excited about someone fast, and then really disappointed when it doesn’t work out. How do I lessen the intensity of this? (This includes if you've just been messaging with someone on a dating app like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OKCupid, etc. and you thought it'd go somewhere but then it didn't)
I brought something to a woman that I thought she'd appreciate, and she didn’t respond. Did I do something wrong?
Should I wait to get into a relationship in order to work on my stuff? (Similar to, "How do I know when I'm ready to get into a relationship/start dating again?")
How do I ‘not take the bait,’ as in get reactive, when someone is baiting me (like my girlfriend or wife)?

Here, I answer all of these questions, which includes exploring what to do when you feel let down around something in sex, dating or relationships; how to know when it's time to work on yourself and not date (take a break from dating) vs. work on yourself while in a relationship; and what to do when you're in the middle of a fight with your partner and want to slow things down.

Learning and growing is a brave act. It's also one of the best investments you can possibly make in your own future. I also believe that every time you grow and expand beyond your family of origin, you're contributing to the good of the species. So good on you!

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love working with men who are ready to do the work! If you want to break old patterns and transform your sex & love life in a real and lasting way, we can help. Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

257: Porn sex vs. real-life sex: a woman porn director lays it out (ft. Holly Randall) [replay] May 19, 2023

Show notes

If you've ever been concerned about erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation and looked at male-bodied porn stars with envy, here's a fun fact: Close to 100% of male-bodied porn stars use Viagra/Cialis/other sexual performance enhancement drugs in order to perform on set.

That's not the only thing that might surprise you about sex, love, dating, and the behind-the-scenes truth about pornography. Here, porn director Holly Randall outlines some of the differences between the sex shown in porn versus real sex, and we also get into what the sex lives of porn stars are really like.

Other topics include how to relax about penis size (this part is very interesting), things you might not have known about anal sex, and more.

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to break old patterns and transform in a real and lasting way, we can help.

Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

256: How do you support her when she’s having a hard time (and also get your needs met)? (ft. Violet Lange) May 12, 2023

Show notes

When a woman is going through a tough time (especially for an extended period of time), it can be easy to fall into a codependent dynamic. When she relies heavily on you to help her feel better, this can be taxing on your nervous system. And nobody wants codependence!

How do you stay steady when things like financial stress, fertility issues, job concerns, or hard family dynamics cause a wife, girlfriend, or other woman partner to turn to you more than ever?

Here we talk about what it means to be emotionally regulated vs/ dysregulated, and concrete ways to feel better and manage stress in a healthy, generative fashion. We outline how a woman (or any dysregulated partner) can soothe herself, as well as strategies you can use to support her through a difficult time.

If you've ever felt unsure about how to soothe a woman partner or challenged by feeling the need to hold space repeatedly for something neither she nor you have control over (i.e. her getting laid off, or interacting with a frustrating/difficult relative, etc.), you'll appreciate this one.

Mentioned on this episode:

Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) (https://youtu.be/FeUioDuJjFI)

Network Spinal Analysis (https://tinyurl.com/3assne6v)

Violet's site: (https://violetlange.com/)

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to break old patterns and transform in a real and lasting way, we can help.

Take action here. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

255: GuyTalk: Fun with cunnilingus! 3 men share their experience of going down on women May 05, 2023

Show notes

Oral sex can be super hot. In fact, some people consider it even more intimate than intercourse.

As one writer put it, "Sexual intercourse is mostly selfish. Sure, you want the other person to get off, but your own orgasm is your first priority. But giving head is, at the core, a selfless act."

Speaking of orgasm, 70%+ of women who have sex with men don't tend to cum through intercourse ... but many can if you go down on them! Yep, going down on her can be super important in some cases, since it can be a reliable way to help your woman partner to get off.

Whether you're dating women or you're in a long-term relationship like a marriage, oral can be a delightful part of your sexual repertoire. But how do you navigate it and make sure it's good for all involved? What, for example, do you do if a woman is actually uncomfortable receiving oral sex (and if that woman is your wife)?

Here, we delve into all that and more -- the good, the bad the ugly -- of going downtown.

---

Mentioned on this episode:

The GirlTalk episode on how to go down on a woman (episode 152)

The course based on my sex research: Please Her In Bed

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

We love to work with men who are ready to do the work! If something isn't working in your sex or love life and you want to transform it, break old patterns, and move forward in a real and lasting way, we can help. Take action here.

254: The 3 common traps conscious couples fall into (and how to avoid them!) (ft. Allana Pratt) Apr 28, 2023

Show notes

Let's say you're doing the work, and meet someone else who's doing the work. Now you're in a conscious relationship! Mazel tov! Now what do you need to know about sex, love, relating, and how it all connects? When you've got two people who are growing, you've got tremendous potential. You've also got some other stuff. ;)

Allana has 20 years of helping both singles and couples with sex, love, and relationships, so she's able to speak to the larger patterns that emerge in the work. According to her, "most intimacy struggles boil down to a few common blindspots that once healed, allow vulnerable, authentic relationships to thrive."

Want to know what the top 3 blindspots are, and how to address them? Listen on!

Memorable quotes from this episode:

"I played the Wall Street wife and lost myself."
"There's a gift in every crisis."
"The main tipping point was when my son came and said, 'I know what I’m doing.'"
"I believe the universe is on our side."
"Tell me something about you and oral sex…"

Ready to go beyond the podcast?

253: Can you address erectile dysfunction with a science-based sex toy? Turns out yes. (ft. Dr. Soum of MysteryVibe) Apr 21, 2023

Show notes

Sex is part of life, and major life events affect our sex lives. Here are just a few things you might've wondered about in the course of your own sex life:

How do I overcome erectile dysfunction without drugs? (like Viagra or Cialis)
What do I do if she's less into sex than me? (a difference in libido, which sometimes involves an arousal disorder)
My wife had a baby and now intercourse hurts. Are we ever going to have great sex again??
What if my woman partner has dryness or pain during sex, especially post-menopause? How can I help?

Enter Dr. Soum, founder of science-based sex tech company MysteryVibe. "Childbirth, menopause, recovering from cancer or surgery — in all of these cases, your sex life is affected, and the mystery leaves the bedroom," he says.

But it can come back, people. As one happy couple in their 70s said of using one of their products, "We’ve been married for 30 years and we feel like we’re back in our honeymoon."

Look, the truth is that human bodies are both complicated and simple at the same time. A lot of women contend with anorgasmia, for example, which is just a big word for the inability to orgasm.

But this doesn't have to be a forever state of being. It's totally addressable, as is pain after childbirth. This is especially reassuring given that a whopping 86% of moms have pelvic/vaginal pain, and 50% still have it after 2 years.

None of this has to stay your reality. Pelvic floors are resilient, and so are people. Listen for some serious knowledge-dropping, and sweet inspiration.

Memorable quotes from this episode: