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316 | Living Wholeheartedly, Honoring Your Wife's Emotions, and Connecting Amid Dysregulation (Jay Vallotton) Feb 08, 2024

Show notes

For Jay Vallotton, the turning point in his marriage was learning to connect with his wife through her emotions rather than trying to fix them. Now, Jason urges men to reconsider their approach to emotions, both in marriage and parenting. Tune in as he shares practical advice for repairing mistakes, handling dysregulation in a child, and approaching conversations with the end in mind.

Key Takeaways

To live wholeheartedly means addressing sin, being present, and fulfilling your God-given call instead of allowing fear to shrink you.
Your wife needs to feel seen, known, and heard.
Trust is not built through the absence of mistakes but by how you repair.
The #1 conversation hack is to start with the end in mind.
The right time to instruct and discipline is not when your child is emotionally dysregulated.

Jay Vallotton

Jay Vallotton is the founder of BraveCo, a member of the Senior Leadership Team at Bethel Church, and an overseer of the Bethel Transformation Center. He is passionate about helping people discover their God-given identity, find freedom, and walk out their true calling. Jason lives in Redding, California, with his wife, Lauren, and their five kids and daughter-in-law.

Key Quotes

3:48 - "One of the prayers that David prays is, God, search me, know me, reveal to me what's going on in my life. Which honestly, is such a scary, dangerous prayer. But on the other side, I think that in order to live wholeheartedly we do have to address those areas in our life that aren't whole, that have cracks or have a little bit of brokenness or doubt, and that's a very challenging thing to do. But what that really means is when I come home and my wife confronts me on something and I dismiss her feelings, I'm not living wholeheartedly. When I come home and my kids want to play and I don't want to be present, I'm actually not living wholeheartedly. The practical application of being. The things that you write on your heart, the things that you write on your wrist, the truth, God's truth.. You have to live those out in your day to day life. And there's accountability inside of that."
17:05 - "Trust is not built through the absence of mistakes. Trust is built by how you clean up a mess. Your wife will trust you because she knows you can have a bad moment, you're going to go away, you're going to process through that in a healthy way and come back and give her what you wish you would've given her in the moment. That's more valuable than being able to nail it every time, because we innately know no one's going to nail it every time. But what we don't know is, I trust that you're going to come back and repair what has been damaged. If you can repair what you are messing up, you're adding so much more value than just trying to get it right, perfectly or expecting yourself to. You're not and your wife's not, more importantly, your whole environment, isn't. So, your kids are going to watch you do this process. Your wife's going to watch you do this process, and they're going to follow in this ecosystem that it's okay to fail. It's not okay to hurt each other but it's okay to fail because we can go back and clean up a mess."

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315 | Being Abducted as a Family, Exchanging Fear for Love, and the Signs of False Identity (Jamie Winship: Part 2) Feb 01, 2024

Show notes

Would you show love to a masked gunman who abducted you and your family? For Jamie Winship, the answer was yes. As he shares the details of this frightening experience, Jamie will inspire you to exchange fear for love as you seek God's true identity for you.

Key Takeaways

Being in your true identity makes you more relational, take risks, and face reality.
The enemy is always in the hypothetical future, but God is in the present.
To identify false identities, ask God, "What are the things I believe about myself that hurt me?"
Your true identity in God will be others-focused, self-emptying, and characterized by unconditional love for your enemies.

Jamie Winship

Jamie Winship is known for bringing peaceful solutions to some of the world's highest conflict areas. His work in law enforcement and education led his family around the world, including South Asia and the Middle East. Jamie and his wife, Donna, are co-founders of Identity Exchange and have three adult sons.

Key Quotes

11:26 - "When you watch Jesus, Jesus never runs anywhere. He's never in a hurry. He's never freaked out. He not dramatic. He is intense. Like when He throws over the tables, but it's so tactically smart what He's doing, it's so well thought out. He's not just dramatically reacting to drama. So never participate, the enemy loves drama. The enemy loves drama because drama goes out of control.
15:36 - "You're in constant conflict. Either inside yourself or with people around you. Those are the signs of the false self. It's self-protection. Self-promotion. Separation is a sign of the false self. The false self will always move in separation, never in connection with others. It'll constantly separate out. The soul that sinneth, the soul that separates it will die. It's not about you did a bad thing, God's going to kill you. It's like human beings were made to live in connection with others and God. And when we separate it, it basically destroys us. Those are the symbols, the signs of the false self. But deeper than that, this is the exercise I would suggest is just sit alone with God and just breathe and relax and try and settle down and just say, God, search me right now. And would You help me to be able to say the things that I believe about myself that hurt me? What are the things I believe about myself that hurt me? And and just let them come to your mind."

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314 | Tackling Fear in a War Zone, Modeling Courage, and Embracing Your True Identity (Jamie Winship: Part 1) Jan 25, 2024

Show notes

Jamie Winship is no stranger to conflict. From working as a police officer to living in international war zones, he learned how to tackle fear with faith—and he modeled it for his children, too. In this episode, Jamie details some of the dangerous situations his family faced as they followed God's calling. Plus, he'll inspire you to hang onto joy, even when fear tries to swallow you whole.

Key Takeaways

When living in a high-conflict area—whether a warzone or your home—you have to gamify preparedness with joy instead of fear.
There are times when you may need to pray to be invisible.
If you're afraid to fail, you won't be able to model courage in front of other people.
God cannot invite you into greater challenges in the future if your only goal is self-protection and self-promotion.
The greatest gift you can give your kids is the truth of who you are.

Jamie Winship

Key Quotes

20:13 - "Only the fear of falling and loud noises is is innate in us, but all other fear is learned. I want to say to your listeners, what are you afraid of? That's the most important question, what am I afraid of? And this is a daily question. It's not a one off. It's even incident into incident. Why am I afraid right now? Fear is beautiful because it's a warner, it's a flashing warning light. It's an invitation to transformation. It's an invitation to a conversation that leads to transformation. God, why am I afraid right now? What am I afraid of?"
21:34 - "God wants me to know I can protect you in any situation. Though a thousand fall on my right and 10,000 fall on my left, yet will I stand? God says, I want you to know that I can protect you in this kind of situation. How would I know that? By staying. By staying. Why would you want me to know that? Because in the future are greater challenges than this that I want to invite you into, But I can't invite you into them, if the goal of your life is self-protection and self-promotion. Because that's how fear works. And if your goal is self-protection and self-promotion, it will become the goal of your kids. Let's teach them other than that worldview."
29:39 - "External conflict produced by internal conflict, produced by fear, produced by false identity. What's the shift? The shift is not in, stop the war, bring financial aid, change religions. None of that stuff has ever worked. It's a transformation of the human heart, which the whole Bible is telling us. And we're looking for some other solution. Spiritual transformation in your own heart. You're living in a false identity. It's a shift into the true identity, which can only be known in Christ. Shift into true identity moves you into courage. It encourages you, which moves you into internal peace, which makes you able to create external peace."

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313 | Becoming a Praying Dad, Seeking Friendship First, and Exchanging Wishes with God (Ryan Skoog) Jan 18, 2024

Show notes

After studying the prayer lives of extraordinary leaders around the world, Ryan Skoogs began to identify patterns. These patterns shifted not only the heart and mind of the leader but also the culture around them—in their home, organization, and beyond. As the leader of your home, you must create a culture of prayer that starts with you. In this episode, Ryan shares the practical steps to do just that.

Key Takeaways

Be willing to "waste time" with God.
To start an intentional prayer life, just walk and talk with the Lord.
Twenty minutes of prayer to Jesus each day for eight weeks will change your brain chemistry in ways that are visible on a brain scan.
Where is prayer a line item in your organization's (or family's) budget?
Don't discount the little opportunities where you can be quick to pray.

Ryan Skoog

Ryan Skoog is an entrepreneur, ministry leader, author, world traveler, and adventure dad. He is co-founder and president of VENTURE, a church-planting and community development nonprofit that works in the toughest places of the world, serving war refugees, trafficked people, oppressed children, and the unreached.

Key Quotes

30:06 - "20 minutes of prayer a day, for eight weeks, will change your brain neurons and chemistry so much that you can tell on a brain scan. There's an agnostic neuroscientist that started just measuring prayer and it had to be prayer to Jesus. It wasn't just meditation and mindfulness, sand is soft, no, it is God is love. God is gracious, that kind of focus and prayer. It can change your brain scan so it fires all the parts that are amazing."
39:26 - "Don't discount the little moments throughout the day of stopping and acknowledging God. A kid has a test, let's stop and pray. We have a phrase around here, we want to be quick to pray. I think in creating a culture in your family, being quick to pray about little things quickly, oh, hey, let's pray about that. And then taking 20 seconds to pray about it and making that normal in your family, making that normal that we just talked to God throughout the day has just been a really, really helpful culture."

Links from Today's Conversation

Lead with Prayer: The Spiritual Habits of World-Changing Leaders by Ryan Skoog and others

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312 | Staying Wild, Carrying Only the Essentials, and Chasing After Life (Tim Bohlke) Jan 11, 2024

Show notes

In the midst of a chaotic world, fathers need to know how to stay grounded, steady, and wild. Tim Bohlke brings years of wisdom and experience to equip dads to do just that. Through real-life examples and a spirit of encouragement, Tim unveils new ways to embrace joy, balance, and remembrance of what God has done.

Key Takeaways

The cumulative effect of carrying too much weight will break you down.
Avoid isolation by inviting others in, asking for input, and allowing people to be honest with you.
The key to being aware and alert to what God is doing today is remembering what he has done in the past.
Fight for the people, places, and experiences that bring you life.

Tim Bohlke

Founder and director of Harbor Ministries, Tim Bohlke has spent three decades investing in leaders and helping forge a new path that will serve leaders, their families, and their organizations well. He is a husband, father, grandfather, author, coach, and more.

Key Quotes

14:05 - "That is the imagery that people all have strength waiting, as the difference making leaders have figured out that idea of harbor as it connects to mission. And no matter how critical your mission is, you got to have time in a harbor to resource, restore and get yourself ready."
29:27 - "When we remember what God's done, that's one of the values of quieting down, seeking solitude, is that only then do you take the time and find the time to really process and remember the ways God showed up in our story. That's what brings strength. And that's what brings courage and reminds us God is a God of promises, that He does show up and He will not only then, but going forward as well."

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311 | Managing Triggers, Providing a Secure Beginning, and The North Stars of Parenting (Dr. Dan Allender) Jan 04, 2024

Show notes

The way you parent stems from how you were parented. That's why understanding the stories and trauma of your past is essential if you want to provide a secure beginning for your children. In this episode, Dr. Dan Allender offers expert advice to help you own the past, share your stories with others, and find beauty along the parenting journey.

Key Takeaways

A child has a secure beginning if they have attunement, containment, and a parent who can repair ruptures.
The level of failure in parenting is higher than in marriage, friendships, or work.
When you're triggered, take a 90-second pause to decrease emotional flooding.
There are two great callings in life that you must hold together at the same time: to grow in intimacy and to grow in independence.
Write down your thoughts and then share them with your wife, a group of men, and a story guide, such as a therapist or pastor.

Dr. Dan Allender

Dr. Dan Allender is an author, professor, and co-founder of The Allender Center and The Seattle School of Theology & Psychology. With a unique approach to trauma and abuse therapy, he presents on topics such as sexual abuse recovery, intimacy, marriage, and more. Dan and his wife, Becky, enjoy spending time with their three adult children and their grandchildren.

Key Quotes

4:58 - "It's really a sweet gift to be able to see our children parent in a way in which they have truly learned from our mistakes, and yet they've also developed their own way of being in the world. Having adult children, one of the realities that dawns on me virtually every year and that is you're never done. Some of the most complicated days are with adult children. And yet our children love us, and yet they are pretty clear and vocal about where they have felt like we have not done well, past and present, and with a deep invitation, with honor and forgiveness, but to grow. That's one of the things I would say it's just such a life giving presence when your children are taking in your life and growing, but when they have the ability to return that, to invite you to grow, that even with younger children has a level of mutuality that often [doesn't] get talked about in the parenting process."
37:36 - "The reality is, we live in a sinful world and a broken world as already with a proclivity to our own false independence. So, our task, is in some sense, to parent in a way that accentuates the giftedness, while also helping a child name and engage the parts of their own world that don't come as quickly or naturally.

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310 | Supporting Your Wife, Intentional Multitasking, and Building a Foundation Brick by Brick (Taylor Doolittle) Dec 28, 2023

Show notes

As a rookie dad, Taylor Doolittle has endless encouragement for other dads in his shoes. In this episode, he emphasizes the value of running after God, pursuing your wife, and enjoying every season with your kids. His vivid analogies will inspire you to make intentional choices as a husband, father, and friend to create the life you want to live.

Key Takeaways

Every season with your kids is fleeting, so be gracious with yourself.
Passionately running after Jesus and pursuing your wife will leave a lasting impact on your kids.
Combine multiple activities—such as working out and being with friends—with intentional multitasking that keeps you whole and healthy without taking up too much time.
However difficult you think this is for you as a dad, it's a thousand times harder for your wife, so suck it up, buttercup.
Your daily decisions are single bricks that create the foundation for your life and family.

Taylor Doolittle

Taylor Doolittle is a passionate realtor in the greater Minneapolis and St. Paul areas. He and his wife, Sarah, have two daughters.

Key Quotes

16:16 - "What I should have been focused on and what I still need to be focused on is my relationship with the Lord. That's absolutely number one, because you're not going to be a good leader for your family unless you are modeling yourself after the greatest leader. So that's number one. Number two, is absolutely pursuing your wife with as much passion as you can."
26:51 - "Not putting pressure on yourself and just realizing that, as a parent, it's less about what you teach and it's more about what you model to your kids. So, pursuing your relationship with the Lord and passionately loving your wife are the two things that you got to do that are going to make a lasting impact on your kids, whether you believe it or not."
35:15 - "Serve your wife, humble yourself, and don't place any expectations on your kids unless they're holy expectations."

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309 | Creating Adventures, Finding Balance, and Being the Chief Fun Officer of Your Home (Kyle Depiesse) Dec 21, 2023

Show notes

After spending 13 years climbing the corporate ladder, Kyle Depiesse was burnt out and knew he needed a change. He certainly didn't have everything figured out, but he took a single step that the Lord used to guide him towards bigger and better experiences than he could have imagined. In this episode, Kyle shares the stories and advice that shaped his life—and his adventurous parenting style.

Key Takeaways

Take one step toward your goals and trust that God will bless your obedience and continue to direct you.
Slow down the fast pace of life with a simple question: "How am I experiencing God right now?"
Spark joy by doing things you've never done before as a family.
Society puts professional success on a pedestal, so you must play defense to protect your relationships, health, finances, and more.

Kyle Depiesse

Kyle Depiesse is the founder and CEO of Guys Trip, where he organizes adventurous trips and events to help men connect, have fun, and grow. Kyle is married to Lois, and they have one son, Cal.

Key Quotes

6:41 - "It's really important to honor people in front of other people. Thank people and be grateful for people while they're around. Tomorrow's not guaranteed."
31:01 - "If you can just take a minute and maybe even have intentional questions to ask yourself, maybe that's the cheat code. Maybe that's the hack, what am I grateful for? How am I experiencing God right now? Just ask yourself some questions and reflect. I don't think we give ourself the gift of reflection and we don't give ourself the gift of solitude enough. And sometimes there's things that just bubble up to the surface And when you pause and you reflect and you're in solitude, you can allow those things that come up to the surface."

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308 | Being a Pioneer, Running Family Businesses, and Expanding the Definition of Provision (Jordan Stone) Dec 14, 2023

Show notes

As a business owner and father to six, Jordan Stone has plenty of reasons to let busyness consume him. But he's learned the power of slowing down, being present, and creating room in his agenda for how God wants to use him. With real-life examples and practical tips, Jordan Stone will inspire you to rethink the concepts of legacy, ownership, provision, and more.

Key Takeaways

God may have a calling for your family that extends for multiple generations.
A pioneer goes into uncharted territory and tries to establish something that doesn't exist yet.
Make room in your schedule to be available for interruptions.
Avoid getting stuck in a singular definition of provision.
Parenting is gardening, not carpentry.

Jordan Stone

Jordan Stone and his wife, Elizabeth, live on the Oregon Coast with their six children. After relocating from Cincinnati, they moved into the home Jordan's grandparents built and lived in for over 40 years before they both passed away. As a family, they own and run multiple businesses together.

Key Quotes

13:47 - "The reason we start out with [with our family mission each day] is because what we're doing is very difficult. A pioneer is somebody who goes into uncharted territory and tries to establish something that doesn't already exist there. And that's how we see what what we're trying to bring Kingdom wise into this place."
40:08 - "What really happens, at least in my case, there are so many things that we suppress through busyness. The demons in our life, the baggage in our life, the things that are quite uncomfortable to face. Busyness provides us a very socially acceptable way to never confront those things. When you stop [the busyness] all of it has the opportunity to come to the surface and you don't have any more excuses not to deal with it."

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307 | Failing Forward, Raising Powerful Kids, and Breaking Up with Passivity (Ben Serpell) Dec 07, 2023

Show notes

As a husband and father, Ben Serpell has been tempted by passivity plenty of times. It was only after confronting certain fears that he was able to begin living with full power. In this episode, he shares practical examples of how to set a high standard of love in your home. Plus, you'll learn why "winning vs losing" is the wrong mindset and how a learner's approach will help you extract more wisdom from your parenting journey.

Key Takeaways

When you shift from a "winning vs losing" mindset to "winning vs learning," you can continue to grow without having to start from the beginning.
Your job as a parent is not to rescue your children from hardship but to sit with them as they learn necessary lessons.
As a man, you should be setting the standard of love in your home through sacrifice.
Passivity is birthed from fear of failure and fear of rejection.

Ben Serpell

Ben Serpell moved from Australia to America at the age of 18 and married his wife, Brittney, one year later. They have been married for two decades and have three children. Ben and Brittney both serve on the leadership team at Loving On Purpose, where they provide marriage and family coaching through conferences, online workshops, and more.

Key Quotes

4:33 - "If it's either winning or losing, then someone's losing and someone's winning. If you talk about an argument, if you talk about connection, if you talk about you and your kids and even you and yourself, which is the biggest one where we need to start, especially as dads. If I'm losing today, then I have to start over. If I'm learning then this is stuff I can use for tomorrow's victory."
15:33 - "It is hard to watch your child struggle. Oh, it's so hard. But, I think what we do if we're not managing our own insecurity on the inside is we try and rescue our kids from that trouble and then we take away again, well, we're back to the learning. We take away the learning. What the Holy Spirit does is He'll come sit with us and go, Oh, that looks heavy. Wow. What do you think happened? What do you need from me? How can I help? I have a whole slew of resources back here. It's just waiting for you. And it probably starts with peace. Let's get some joy back. Let's get some truth in there. And let's begin to walk together. But I'm going to sit with you and I'm fine if you feel it. I can handle you sitting in your mess for a minute, and I'm going to bring comfort to that person rather than rescue that person."

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