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Bible Stories for Heathen Children — Kids & Family
Bible Stories for Heathen Children

I’m Robbie, and I tell family-friendly, fun, and somewhat irreverent retellings of Bible stories for kids who aren’t already familiar with them. I couldn’t find the stories told as myth without attempts at indoctrination, so I’m trying to do that. The audience I always have in mind for my stories are my two brilliant and sarcastic children, ages 8 and 9. Text versions will be posted for free at https://www.patreon.com/BSFHC .Subscribe to my Patreon for bonus content and early access to episodes! (My Patreon is currently on hold.) Make a one-time donation at ko-fi.com/robbiebsfhc.

Copyright: © 2023 Bible Stories for Heathen Children

Latest Episodes:

50 - Peter and Cornelius May 20, 2021

This week, we continue the story of the early church in the book of Acts, focusing on Peter. Peter has a weird hunger dream and then gets a request for help from an unexpected source: a Roman centurion! He knows God is trying to tell him something -- but what?

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49 - The Necromancer Apr 01, 2021

In this special episode, Robbie tells the chilling story of an undead demigod with an insatiable thirst for souls & the power to raise an army of the dead.
Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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48 - Nehemiah and the Evil Rich People Mar 11, 2021

In this story, Nehemiah rallies the people to rebuild Jerusalem. Almost everyone helps build it except the rich people, who are too busy taking advantage of people's struggles to become even wealthier at their neighbors' expense. Nehemiah has a lot of work to do to protect against threats from both outside and inside the city.
Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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47 - Esther Feb 25, 2021

Today Robbie tells one of the most beloved Bible stories of all time: the story of Esther, the young queen who saved her people from destruction.

Content note: In the original story there's an undercurrent of sexual violence and racial violence, and the story takes place in a culture that just isn't safe for ethnic minorities and women. We tried to keep this adaptation child-friendly and as light as possible while still being true to the story and the author’s own beliefs on the importance of consent and justice.

Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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46 - Paul the Apostle Jan 28, 2021

This episode picks back up in the book of Acts, where Peter and the early church are excited to face a lot of persecution, mostly directed by a young man named Saul. Saul, also known as Paul, is very, very certain that he knows the true way to follow God and that those who disagree with him are not only wrong but dangerous. We’ll see whether that changes over the course of this story.

Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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45 - Samson Jan 14, 2021

This episode is all about Samson, God’s one-man wrecking crew against the Philistines. Samson was not the wisest, but he definitely was the strongest -- at least, while his hair was long. It’s a story full of fighting, riddles, deception, and extreme recklessness.
Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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44 - Imposters Among Us: Shibboleths Dec 31, 2020

This episode is about shibboleths! You may not know that word, but if you've heard of or played the video game "Among Us," you may already know the concept. We're telling the story of Jephthah the judge, a strong fighter who was terrible at diplomacy, made an impulsive promise that led to tragedy, and who is mostly known for his plan for identifying imposters.
Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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43 - The Christmas Story LIVE! Dec 17, 2020

In this episode, Robbie revisits the Christmas story (Gospel of Luke version) live with a studio audience! (OK, the studio audience consists of their spouse and kids...gotta maintain social distancing!)
Free text version is available for most episodes at patreon.com/bsfhc. (Because this episode did not have a script, we unfortunately don't have a transcript. We're sorry about that! But please feel free to check out episode 13, where Robbie first told the Christmas story -- that episode does have a full transcript.) Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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42 - Elisha Makes Naaman Take a Bath Dec 03, 2020

In this episode, commander Naaman from Aram goes to his enemy country in search of a miracle cure for his sickness, and the great prophet Elisha magically captures an entire army. King Joram provides comedic relief.
Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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41 - The Tower of Babel - Where Languages Come From Nov 19, 2020

This week we tell the story of a group of people who got along so well and worked together so well that God decided they had to be stopped. Before that, we revisit the stories of God creating the world, Adam and Eve, and Noah’s Ark, so we can better understand how the Tower of Babel fits into the book of Genesis. And because the Tower of Babel is an origin story for languages, we also take a look at how languages actually develop.
Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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40 - Daniel, Part Three: The Writing on the Wall and the Lions' Den Nov 05, 2020

In this episode, Daniel interprets an ominous message for Nebuchadnezzar's heir. Later he must survive threats caused by the jealousy of the other wise men, as well as the hubris of a new king.

Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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39 - Daniel, Part Two: Nebuchadnezzar's Announcement Oct 22, 2020

A sequel to the last episode from the book of Daniel. In this episode Robbie is interrupted by an important stranger from another time, King Nebuchadnezzar, here to tell a story to the world about his thrilling adventure in which God does bad things to him just because God can. Isn’t that great news?

Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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38 - Daniel, Part One Oct 08, 2020

Join us for some stories from the book of Daniel, which tell the adventures of a boy named Daniel and his three friends living in exile in Babylon. Babylon is ruled by King Nebuchadnezzar, who thinks very highly of his own leadership skills and who will kill anyone he needs to in his attempts to seek wisdom and to unify his vast conquered lands.

Will Daniel and his three friends stand up for what they believe is right, even despite threats and punishment from the Babylonian ruler? Will they survive King Nebuchadnezzar's idea of justice?

Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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37 - Joshua and the Battle of Jericho Sep 24, 2020

This week we tell the story of the Israelites entering the Promised Land, 40 years after their exodus from Egypt. With Moses gone, his assistant, Joshua, steps up to lead the people. It’s a story about spying, subterfuge, and another one of God's convoluted battle plans!
Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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36 - David and Goliath as a Dungeons & Dragons Campaign Sep 10, 2020

The podcast's one-year anniversary is this month! To celebrate, we're releasing a special episode that was previously exclusive to our $5 Patrons. Robbie's younger child, K, liked the story of David and Goliath and wondered: What might it be like if it were a Dungeons and Dragons campaign? Well, with the help of the rest of the family, K offers an answer in this episode.

Starring:
K as the Dungeon Master (also plays Non-Player Characters like Samuel and Goliath)
Robbie as Saul
A as David
Luke as God

(Plug: Please consider supporting the podcast on Patreon to help keep it going. Patrons get each episode two days early, side notes for each episode, and (at the $5 level) a bonus episode every month!)
Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc.

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35 - The Story of Satan Aug 27, 2020

This week we’re talking about Satan, the Devil, the enemy of God. But telling his story isn’t straightforward, because he doesn’t really have a story of his own -- he just shows up in various other stories in the Bible. In the first section of the episode, we go on a quick tour through most of those stories and talk about how white evangelical Christianity views the devil. Then, in the second section, we use some of the elements from the traditional narrative to tell a new origin story of Lucifer, or Satan, the original freethinker. Hope you enjoy!

Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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34 - The Story of Exodus, Part Three Aug 13, 2020

The Israelites have finally made it out of Egypt and crossed the Red Sea! Now they journey to Mount Sinai, the “mountain of God,” where God had appeared to Moses in the burning bush. But God and the people have a lot of problems and challenges ahead. What happens when enemies attack? How will the people get food and water in the desert? Can a holy god talk to his people without killing them? What happens when the new leader, Moses, disappears on the mountain for over a month? Find out in this action-packed third installment of the Exodus story.

Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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33 - The Story of Exodus, Part Two Jul 26, 2020

The Exodus story continues! "Let my people go," God says to Pharaoh through Moses and Aaron. But Pharaoh refuses, again and again, to free the Hebrews. And so begin the ten plagues, as the God of Israel takes on the gods of Egypt, culminating in the night of Passover. But as the Hebrews finally pack up and leave in a hurry, will Pharaoh just sit and watch them go? (Spoiler: Nope!)
We'll be back in two weeks for part three of the story, as the Hebrews journey into the wilderness, making their way toward the same mountain where God had spoken to Moses in the burning bush.
Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

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32 - The Story of Exodus, Part One Jul 16, 2020

This week we begin covering one of the most important stories in the Bible, the Exodus of the Hebrews from Egypt! It happens several hundred years after the story of Joseph, which we covered in episodes 19 and 20. This week we cover the early life of Moses (that is, his first 80 years or so) and follow his adventures from Egypt to Midian and back, as God appoints him the unlikely leader of the great Exodus. I also take a few minutes at the end of the episode to discuss how important this story has been to people facing oppression throughout history. I’ll be back in two weeks for part two, featuring the showdown of the God of the Hebrews vs. the gods of Egypt!
Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content!

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/bsfhc)

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31 - Peter Does His Own Miracles Jul 02, 2020

The podcast returns from hiatus! I'm glad to be back! Picking up from our last episode, we follow Peter and the other disciples, er, apostles, as they preach about Jesus, perform miracles, and clash with the religious leaders. I also talk a bit about the ethical problems with mission work and with treating people with disabilities as props to advance your message.
Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc. Please consider becoming a Patron there as well, to help us keep the podcast going and to get access to Patron-exclusive bonus content! This month, $5 patrons get access to a special episode where my family and I act out the story of David and Saul as a Dungeons & Dragons session.

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30 - Early Christianity May 14, 2020

The adventures of Peter continue as Robbie tells some last bits of the Gospels and the beginning of the book of Acts.
Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc.

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29 - Girl Power in Judges: Deborah and Jael May 07, 2020

The story of Deborah - the judge of Israel - and Jael, who defeated the bad guy. This was probably THE quintessential Girl Power Bible Story of my childhood.

Come for the girl power, stay for the explanation of ancient chariots in warfare and mockery of the Canaanite commander for failing at basic war strategy.

Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc.

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28 - Jonah and the Giant Fish (or Possibly Whale) Apr 30, 2020

The famous tale in which a reluctant prophet is swallowed by a giant fish (or whale, depending on how didactic your Sunday School teacher was).
Jonah flees God’s presence because he’s afraid he’ll be a successful prophet.

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27 - Mary Magdalene and the Resurrection of Jesus Apr 12, 2020

Early Sunday morning, Mary Magdalene gathers spices and goes to Jesus’ tomb to anoint his body with them. But when she gets there, she meets someone she did not expect.

The final episode in a 7 episode series about Jesus & the Easter Story.

Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc.

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26 - The Death of Jesus Apr 10, 2020

The Sanhedrin votes that Jesus is guilty of blasphemy and sends him to the Roman governor, Pontius Pilate, to have him crucified. Although Pilate wants nothing to do with Jesus, in the end the religious leaders get their way, and Jesus carries his cross toward the Place of the Skull.

The sixth episode in a 7 episode series about Jesus & the Easter Story.

Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc.

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25 - Jesus' First Trial and Peter's Denials Apr 09, 2020

After Jesus’ arrest, he is taken to the house of the high priest, Caiaphas, to stand trial before the Sanhedrin. Peter tries to follow, but when someone recognizes him as a follower of Jesus, how will he respond?

The fifth episode in a 7 episode series about Jesus & the Easter Story.

Free text version is available at patreon.com/bsfhc.

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24 - Jesus is Arrested Apr 02, 2020

Jesus has "the last supper".

Jesus celebrates the Passover surrounded by his closest friends, but he is afraid of being alone. He knows one of his closest friends will betray him & the rest of the disciples will scatter.

This is the fourth episode in a 7 episode series about Jesus & the Easter Story. There will be 3 episodes next week to finish the series - on Thursday, Friday, and Sunday.

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23 - Jesus Enters Jerusalem Mar 26, 2020

Jesus is at the height of his popularity. He enters Jerusalem in a triumphant parade, purges the temple (again?), heals many people, and outsmarts the religious leaders. Jerusalem is packed with Passover visitors & Jesus is who everyone's talking about.

The 3rd of 7 episodes about Jesus and the Easter story.

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Ep 22 - Jesus Sets His Face Toward Jerusalem Mar 19, 2020

The story of Jesus continues as he tries to prepare friends, enemies, and frenemies for his climactic rise and fall.

The second in a series about Jesus & the Easter Story.

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21 - Jesus Feeds the 5,000 (etc.) Mar 12, 2020

This episode tells the story of the sad demise of John the Baptist and the story of Jesus feeding & healing people by magic. Also Jesus walks on water, which is fun. Also Jesus began to irritate and worry the country's leaders, which is either more or less fun depending on how well you like political drama and stuff. It's the first of 5 episodes in a series about the Easter narrative.

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20 - Joseph pt 2 - Revealer of Secrets Mar 05, 2020

The second of a two part story, in which, Joseph, having grown up and become successful, devises some secret tests for his brothers, who betrayed him years ago.

Also in which 11 brothers deal with a really weird Egyptian ruler who is totally obsessed with them and seems to know more than he should.

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19 - Joseph pt 1 - The Dreamer Feb 27, 2020

The drama of the descendants of Abraham continues in this week's story, the first in a two part series about Joseph, as he goes from favorite son to betrayed slave to the second most important person in Egypt.

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18 - Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, oh my! Feb 13, 2020

A selection of stories about Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Mostly these are stories about Jacob. They're stories of love, hate, jealousy, deception, treachery, hope, faith, and family. There's a lot of family almost killing each other; perhaps that's why my family growing up focused on these stories so much. Just so relatable.

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17 - Elijah and Elisha Feb 06, 2020

On God’s command, the prophet Elijah recruits his replacement -- the very similarly-named Elisha. Elijah is dramatically taken directly into heaven, and Elisha carries on his work. Meanwhile, King Ahab and his two sons who reign as king after him are generally weak and whiny, and nobody likes them, including God.

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16 - Elijah Calls Down Fire From Heaven Jan 30, 2020

God continues his one-sided competition with Baal and Asherah for the hearts of the people in Israel, sending Elijah, the powerful new prophet, to foretell drought and famine, culminating in an epic showdown (to which only one god shows up).

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#15 - Noah's Ark Jan 16, 2020

The beloved children’s tale of the time God decided to put his favorite person and family in a boat with a pair of every animal to repopulate the entire world and then flooded everything so every living thing on dry land died.
Now with a bit of incredulity towards the Answers in Genesis people and other Creationist scientists.

All the story, none of the belief!

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14 - Gideon and The Tiny Army Jan 02, 2020

Gideon is not the mighty warrior you might expect, but he was the mighty warrior they needed. Apparently.
The story of Gideon features: a mighty hero who hides from his enemies and needs his dad to bail him out, a set of miracles involving a sheep’s wool and the morning dew, a test where soldiers have to leave the army if they don’t drink water a weird way, and a dream about a tent being destroyed by a loaf of bread. Also featuring a legitimately brilliant surprise attack.

Here are the links promised in the episode:
Patreon
Facebook
Twitter

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13 - The Christmas Story Dec 19, 2019

This episode pulls from two gospels to tell the story of the birth of Jesus.
In John’s Gospel, Jesus had to out-miracle even the greatest prophets, and the gospel writer Luke was not to be outdone. Jesus’s birth could be nothing less than the most impressive and surprising of all the miracle babies in the canon. Join us this week for the most miraculous baby covered in this miracle-baby mini-series.

Also included, a few thoughts about the winter solstice and how my family celebrates it and what it means to me

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Bonus: Thoughts on Meaning Dec 14, 2019

This is a bonus episode in which I think aloud about stories, humanity, the meaning of life, what parents get out of the Santa myth, Christmas and the solstice.

For more about the Solstice, come back Thursday (or visit Patreon on Tuesday if you're a patron), because I talk about that a little in the upcoming episode, "The Christmas Story"

I also read a favorite passage from Terry Pratchett's Hogfather about humans and fantasy in this episode.

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12 - The Birth of John the Baptist Dec 12, 2019

Three of 4 gospels start with not Jesus, but John the Baptist, a historical figure with a significant following and large reputation in his era - he shows up in the Jesus legends to lend credibility to them.

Luke's gospel begins with the myth of John's birth, told simultaneously with the story of Jesus' birth - two babies whose births were promised to change the world.

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11 - Sarai and Hagar Dec 05, 2019

A classic tale of family drama - this is one part of the Abraham story from Genesis, told with a focus on the slave Hagar and her son, as Abraham and Sarah attempted to make gods promises come true. This story also covers the birth of Isaac, the baby promised to Abraham. It's not really Hagar's story at first, but she makes her mark anyways.
support me on Patreon
talk to me on Twitter
like the page on Facebook

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10 - Maccabees Nov 28, 2019

For Thanksgiving, I'm telling the story of the Maccabees fighting colonization and oppression with a small but dedicated group of fighters. This is not from the Protestant canon; it's a story I learned (a part of) in Sunday school, but with the fighty parts added back in!
Happy Thanksgiving, remember to fight white supremacy and resist religious hegemony!
Note: While some of this story is from history, definitely think of my version as historical fiction. I'm worried that I wasn't clear about that :)

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9 - Jesus Turns Water into Wine and other Stories from John Nov 21, 2019

My 2 kids join me with questions, laughter, and incredulity as I tell the story of the early days of Jesus’ ministry described in the Gospel of John; turning water into wine, turning over tables in the temple, talking to Nicodemus and the Samaritan woman, and healing someone’s sick son.

Jesus says a lot of intentionally confusing stuff and my kids started to find it hilarious.

John the writer is interesting because unlike the other gospel writers, his Jesus is actually very big on self promotion. John is intent from the very beginning on convincing the reader that Jesus is God, but most of the time he just says “and Jesus did lots of signs and people believed” without actually describing those miracles. It’s really more theology than story, but by golly I eked a narrative out of it despite John not giving me a whole lot to work with.
For Side Notes - my behind the scenes thoughts about this story, become a patron for $1
For occasional jokes and updates, follow me on twitter @bsfheathenkids

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Bonus Ep 2 - Excerpt Nov 12, 2019

An excerpt from the November bonus episode, available in full to Patrons on Patreon in the $5 a month tier.
This episode is a discussion between me and my spouse about the English language and Bible translations. We discuss how KJV only-ism parallels early efforts to keep the Bible from being translated into English, the tower of Babel, and how learning the history of the English language was one of the pieces in our deconstruction of conservative Christianity. This excerpt includes a story about my pastor FiL accusing me of moral relativism for suggesting that nonstandard English dialect had grammatical systems (back before I was a moral relativist - go figure) and some discussion of how Evangelical control of language and Bible translations is vital to its chokehold on politics and culture.

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8 - Adam and Eve: two ways Nov 07, 2019

A recipe for the foundation of humanity, two ways.

Today I present to you the fundamentalist Adam and Eve story, and then the story retold with some twists in perspective that I like to think about sometimes. There's more spin & editorializing than I typically use; this was a sort of experimental story for me.

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7 - Halloween Special Oct 31, 2019

This episode has the story of Saul and the witch, and the story of Jesus and Lazarus. This Halloween special has some fun Bible weirdness, don't miss it!

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6.5 - What is the Bible? Oct 24, 2019

This special episode is an educational episode about what the Bible actually is, with the basics of how it came to exist and where it came from, told in Robbie's usual expressive and enthusiastic way, and geared towards kids who haven't learned about any Bible history before.
If you don't know how the Bible is organized or any of its history, this episode is a good starting point for understanding the origins of the all time bestselling book in the world.

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6 - Elisha's Magic Skeleton Oct 24, 2019

This is a shorter than usual episode telling some bits of the prophet Elisha's story, specially chosen for the week before Halloween.

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5 - David in Exile Oct 17, 2019

Content Note: a character who is about to die ends his life himself in this episode.

This is the 4th and final episode about David (for now). He's been told he'll be king, but for now, he's on the run from King Saul. It will take all his cunning to survive among the Philistines.

another note: there's some stuff in here that I consider problematic regarding how mental illness is discussed and the kinda gross (but still common today) disability inspiration story with Mephibosheth. I wasn't sure exactly how to handle those elements of the story without going off on a lot of editorializing tangents. Possibly I should have. I'm still figuring out how to approach these things.

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4 - David and Jonathan Oct 10, 2019

The friendship of David and Jonathan is most dramatic installment of the David story yet! This one has swords, spears, daring acts, love and hate, lies, drama, and intrigue!

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Bonus Ep 1 - Excerpt Oct 06, 2019

This short episode is an excerpt of a discussion between my spouse and I - join our $5 patrons in the Polaris tier to get access to the full episode!

In this short excerpt, we discuss similarities between the Bible and pop culture franchise and pop culture fanfiction.
https://www.patreon.com/bsfhc

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3 - The Saga of Saul Oct 03, 2019

this episode follows Saul from the first time he meets Samuel, through when he meets David as an old king who God has left. This is some pretty important backstory, and is the second part of our 4 episode long series on David becoming the king. Support me on Patreon for early access and bonus content, including an upcoming conversational episode for $5 patrons.
https://www.patreon.com/bsfhc/
Follow me on twitter @BSFHeathenKids

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2 - David and Goliath Sep 26, 2019

The story of the shepherd boy, David, and his fight with the honking big giant, Goliath. This
week's story features the dramatic rise to fame of one of the most complicated biblical figures. Come back next week for more, or support the podcast on Patreon and get early access to the next episode!

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1 - The Story of You, Starchild Sep 19, 2019

The premiere episode of Bible Stories for Heathen Children. This episode tells the story of Genesis 1, as the story of God imagining reality for the first time.
That story is followed with a second creation myth based on science that tells the origin story of you.
Go to my patreon for text versions, and subscribe for bonus content and to get access to episodes 2 days early!
https://www.patreon.com/bsfhc

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0 - Introduction Sep 14, 2019

I'm Robbie, and I'll be telling family-friendly, fun, and somewhat irreverent retellings of Bible stories for kids who aren't already familiar with them. I couldn't find the stories told as myth without attempts at indoctrination, so I'm trying to do that. The audience I always have in mind for my stories are my two brilliant and sarcastic children, ages 8 and 9. This episode is an introduction to the concept behind the podcast. For a text version, see https://www.patreon.com/BSFHC

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