Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Latest Episodes:

#113 - Rest, Don't Quit Nov 18, 2020

Show notes

Lately, have you noticed a sense of collective exhaustion, sadness, and impatience? Right now, it may feel like there's not a lot to celebrate. This is especially true with the holidays coming up, since they're going to look much different than usual this year. With everything going on, you might feel like you want to quit, because what's the point? If this resonates with you, it may be time for you to take a rest. Tune in to learn what this may look like for you.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #113:

At this time, it's normal to feel exhausted or depleted. When you feel like quitting something that has brought you joy or will bring you joy in the future, take the time to find ways to rest rather than quit.
Quitting may look like anything from not putting up a tree or holiday decorations this year, dropping out of school, or leaving a relationship.
What's causing you to want to quit? That may be the thing that you need to take a rest from. This may be watching the news—or even spending too much time thinking about things that put you in a state of fear.
It can be valuable to let yourself consider quitting, or envision what quitting would look like, because this may help point you to how you can rest instead of quit.

Highlights from Episode #113:

Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and introduces today's topic, which was inspired by a workshop she attended last week. She then offers some valuable advice about Zoom meetings. [00:39]
We hear about Vicki's sense of witnessing collective exhaustion and impatience, and how that relates to this episode. [05:45]
Vicki offers some examples of what it looks like to rest rather than quit, ranging from quitting school to leaving a relationship. [10:55]
We often keep relationships going in our minds even after they're over. Vicki gives a recommendation about getting in alignment with what you truly want. [19:12]
The most tragic example of choosing quitting over resting is the decision to take one's own life. If you're feeling this way, please find someone to talk to right now. At a minimum, figure out how to take a rest to see if there's another option for you. [22:49]
Vicki shares some final words of advice on why it's so important to find ways to rest. [27:40]

Links and Resources:

#112 - "She Has a Spell on Him." What Should I Do? Nov 11, 2020

Show notes

Have you ever disliked the spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, or date of someone you're close to? Or wondered what your friend or relative sees in that person? Most of us have been there, struggling to understand how someone we care about can fall for (or even seem bewitched by) someone who we find deeply off-putting. Tune in to learn some important questions to ask yourself when you're in this situation.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #112:

It's not uncommon to hear someone say that another person's partner (often a man's wife or girlfriend) "made him" or "wouldn't let him" do something. This is a distortion, and disempowering to the person you're talking about. Almost always, they're freely choosing to do whatever they're doing.
If you think someone is being uncharacteristically submissive in a relationship, ask yourself whose business that is. Some people don't mind—or even really like—to be submissive in a relationship.
When your friend or loved one is involved with someone truly dangerous or toxic, it's appropriate to express your concern and support. You can try this script: "I love you, I'm really concerned about you, I want the best for you, and I want to maintain a connection with you. Is there anything I can do to support you?"

Highlights from Episode #112:

Welcome back to the show! Vicki shares the listener question that inspired this episode. [00:39]
Vicki talks more about the implications of being "submissive," and some questions to ask yourself if you see someone as being submissive in a relationship. [07:00]
Are you being respectful of someone you care about if you're not respectful of their choices? And how will that help you maintain connection? [11:04]
Vicki shares one last question on this topic: "Is the way that I'm showing up in this situation truly loving?" [13:53]
We hear about the exception, when someone is truly toxic. [16:36]
Vicki offers listeners a script to use or adapt if someone you care about is involved with someone toxic or dangerous. [21:31]
Vicki recaps the points that she's covered today, including [24:30]

Links and Resources:

Vicki Tidwell Palmer
Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
The Radiant Threefold Path
Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
Domestic Violence Hotline - or call them at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

#111 - Your Reality is the Only One You Need Nov 04, 2020

Show notes

If you've ever gotten into an argument with someone else about the reality of a certain situation, or what "really happened," this episode is for you. The fact is that your reality is what is true for you in the moment, and someone else having a different reality doesn't mean that yours, or theirs, is either "correct" or "wrong." Tune in to learn why it's okay to disagree about reality, and why (as Terry Real says) there is no place for objective reality in relationships.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #111:

It's very common for two people to experience the same situation or event very differently, and come away with different thoughts, emotions, or experiences.
In the end, your reality is the only reality that you truly need—and it's the only one you can have. This doesn't mean that another person's reality doesn't matter, but you don't need to come to an agreement about which one is "true" or "correct."
In a relationship, two people can share their realities with each other, and may or may not come to an understanding. But it's not always necessary (or possible) to agree on what reality is.
If you have a high need to agree about what happened, invite yourself to explore what comes up for you when you and your spouse see things in a fundamentally different way.

Highlights from Episode #111:

Vicki welcomes listeners to today's episode, which was inspired by several questions from a listener about coming to an understanding about reality. [00:39]
We hear the highlights and relevant questions that inspired this episode, which came in response to Vicki's story from Episode #18 of the podcast. [04:09]
Two people can have very different experiences of the same event, Vicki points out. [08:04]
What exactly is reality? Vicki digs into the topic, and explores why reality is so subjective. [12:41]
Vicki shares an example to explain her point about different realities. [16:20]
There's only one reality for you in any given moment: your reality. [20:29]

Links and Resources:

Vicki Tidwell Palmer
Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
The Radiant Threefold Path
Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #18 – The Knife & The Spatula: Knowing When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They're So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)
Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with Love by Terry Real

#110 - What to Do When People Make You Feel Left Out Oct 21, 2020

Show notes

I've definitely felt left out, forgotten, or excluded… and I'm guessing you have, too. This episode, which was inspired by a listener's question, is about what to do when you feel that way. I'll do things a little differently this time! Using the question as a foundation, I'll walk you through the 5-Step Boundary Solution Process. (Follow along with the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier.)

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #110:

Trying to figure out the "why" of someone who makes you feel left out is generally a distraction and a waste of time. You can only get the answer by asking them, and they may or may not tell the truth.
There are two options for how to stop the sort of situation that the listener has described: try to get the other person to change, or make your own changes.
People don't "make" us feel left out (or anything else). Instead, it's our own thoughts about the data that make us feel a certain way.
In this situation of feeling left out, you have two options for taking action: limit or stop contact with the person/people involved, or make a specific request of them.

Highlights from Episode #110:

Welcome to Episode #110! Vicki talks about the feeling of being left out, which is something we all go through. [00:39]
We hear the listener's question that inspired this episode, as well as a quick recap of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. [03:30]
Vicki talks about how the first step of the process applies to this situation. [07:50]
We hear how the second step works in Vicki's example of feeling left out. [14:33]
The third step is to identify your power center. Vicki explains which of the four options fit. [17:27]
Vicki points out that the listener who asked today's question has the power to make this situation stop. [26:40]
The fourth step is to take action based on what we've discovered. Vicki goes into depth about how this could work in this situation. [28:39]
Vicki chats about the fifth step, which is evaluating your results. [35:43]
We hear a quick recap of the points that Vicki has covered in today's episode. [38:24]

Links and Resources:

Vicki Tidwell Palmer
Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
7 Invitations | Introduction to The Radiant Threefold Path
Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
The Radiant Threefold Path
Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
Byron Katie's The Work
Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They're So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)

#109 - Is It Ever Okay to Violate Another Person's Boundaries? Oct 14, 2020

Show notes

The reality is that we violate other people's boundaries all the time, and tell ourselves that we have a right to do it. But is that true? Is it ever okay to violate someone else's boundaries? You may already know the answer as soon as you hear the question, but there are a lot of nuances to this complex topic, so we'll take a deep dive into it.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #109:

If you have an agreement with another person about something that's usually a boundary, such as an open phone policy between partners, it's not a boundary violation.
Each of us has a right to our bodies and our physical belongings (such as our phones, computers, or journals).
We cannot control other people. If you try to control another person, you damage connection and intimacy.
If you're tempted to violate someone's boundaries, be honest with yourself about what you're really concerned about. Remember that other people are free to make their own choices—even if they are poor, unhealthy, or self-destructive choices. How will your intrusion into their circle of control be helpful to your relationship with them?
When you have the power to protect yourself, do it! But if something you need or want relies on another person changing their behavior, you don't have control over that.

Highlights from Episode #109:

Vicki welcomes listeners to the show and shares the question at the heart of today's episode: is it ever okay to violate another person's boundaries? [00:39]
We get a refresher on what boundary violations and ruptures are, with a few examples. [05:55]
The listener question that inspired this episode relates to the physical boundary, Vicki explains. She then shares examples of times when we might be tempted to violate boundaries. [11:26]
What do you do if you're tempted to violate another person's boundaries? [15:50]
We often focus on trying to get more information, instead of what we can do to protect ourselves, Vicki explains. She then shares another consideration to take into account when you're tempted to violate a boundary. [20:12]
Vicki suggests a few questions to ask yourself when tempted to violate a boundary. [23:13]
We all end up violating another person's boundaries from time to time. However, there's a cost to intimacy when we do that. [27:27]

Links and Resources:

Vicki Tidwell Palmer
Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
The Radiant Threefold Path
Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They're So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)
Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #3 – Boundaries in Balance (and at the Extremes) + Boundary Ruptures and Boundary Violations
Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #19 – When They Go Low… We Go Lower
Pia Mellody

#108 - Quick Tips #15: You Always Get to Change Your Mind Oct 07, 2020

Show notes

We've all been there: you've said "yes" to something, and then later changed your mind or realized that it's not a fit for you. So what do you do? Are you obligated to follow through with your initial answer, or are you allowed to change your mind? (If you've read the title of the episode, you already know the answer!) Let's talk about how to handle this situation, and how to navigate it gracefully.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #108:

While this episode was inspired by a question about wedding invitations, the answer applies to all sorts of topics. You might experience this desire to shift from a "yes" to a "no" after saying you would help someone with something, or go to dinner, an event, or someone's house, for example.
You always get to change your mind. However, there may be consequences. People will have their feelings about your choice to change your mind or not follow through.
Would you rather feel briefly uncomfortable by changing your "yes" to a "no," or would you rather spend time following through with something that you don't want to do and then feel resentful?
Often, a huge amount of relief follows changing your answer to "no."

Highlights from Episode #108:

Welcome to the show! Today's episode will be all about what to do when you've changed your mind. [00:39]
Vicki shares a story that's particularly relevant to the question that inspired this episode. [03:04]
We hear a suggestion for what the listener could say in her situation. [04:31]
If you're thinking Vicki's advice on changing your mind doesn't apply to your situation, she clarifies how it does apply and might play out. [08:16]
You could offer an alternative, Vicki points out. [10:33]
Vicki recommends going back to Episode 1 and starting from there if you're new to the podcast and want to learn more about creating healthy, effective boundaries. [11:01]

Links and Resources:

Vicki Tidwell Palmer
Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They're So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)
Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
The Radiant Threefold Path
Beyond Bitchy Podcast on Spotify

#107 - You Can Ask for Anything (and the Answer May Be No) Sep 30, 2020

Show notes

So many people struggle to speak up or make a request to get their needs or wants met, so I tell you all the time that you can ask anyone for anything. But just as you have the freedom to ask, the other person has the freedom to say "no" if they so choose. (They can also say "yes" or negotiate a different agreement with you.) An email I received recently is a perfect example of both this freedom to ask, and the freedom to decline.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #107:

It's better to ask and get a "no" than to just not ask. Often, people will even be happy or excited to be able to do something for you.
When you ask someone for something, the other person is completely free to say either "yes" or "no"—or to negotiate another agreement.
A recent email inspired this episode, and gives me the opportunity to demonstrate how to receive a request and how to say "no" if the request doesn't work for you.

Highlights from Episode #107:

Vicki welcomes listeners to the episode, and explains the inspiration for today's topic. [00:39]
We hear about the three possible answers that someone can give when you make a request. [02:41]
Vicki reads the email that she received recently that inspired this episode. [04:10]
We hear a quick aside from Vicki to clarify that she absolutely wants women to respect and honor themselves before she continues to read the email. [09:13]
Vicki completely agrees about the negativity of certain demeaning words, she explains. However, the name of the podcast is not at all the equivalent of calling women the B-word. [10:13]
The name of the podcast was inspired by a quote that Vicki saw in 2015. [11:31]
Vicki reiterates that you can ask for anything. In the case of the email request she received, the answer is "thank you for your feedback, and no. I wish you all the best." [13:43]

Links and Resources:

#106 - "Why Don't You Cover Up?" Sep 23, 2020

Show notes

Have you ever felt disrespected by what someone chose to wear (or not wear) around you, your romantic partner, or other loved ones? And what should you do when someone else's attire makes you feel uncomfortable? The sometimes-difficult truth is that you don't control what other people wear, but that doesn't mean you don't have any options. Tune in to learn about your choices in this situation, and what's within your circle of control.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #106:

We have complete power over the limits that we are able to create for ourselves. For example, if you decide that you want to live separately from another person, the only way to guarantee that will happen is for you to move somewhere else. If something requires the participation of another person, it's not generally within your circle of control.
The only power that you have to change another person's behavior or get them to do something is to make a request. That other person then needs to agree to your request.
As hard as it can be to accept, the way someone else dresses is completely up to that person.
If you're uncomfortable with how someone else is dressed, there are two basic things you can do. You can change what you do with regard to this person, or you can make a request.

Highlights from Episode #106:

Welcome to this episode! Vicki introduces what today's topic will be, and invites listeners to join her free live virtual event. [00:39]
We hear the email that Vicki received that inspired the topic of this episode. [01:50]
Vicki reviews some of the basics of how boundaries work. [05:43]
The listener who asked the question that inspired today's episode may feel a little fearful or threatened, Vicki points out. [08:34]
What would Vicki do if she were in this situation? She answers, then talks about how you might approach making a request in this example. [10:47]
Vicki explains that in this situation, it comes down to "live and let live" while doing what you need to do to feel comfortable. [16:35]
Vicki talks about being very honest with yourself and questioning whether your own thoughts are true. [18:22]

Links and Resources:

Vicki Tidwell Palmer
Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Facebook
Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer
5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
Vicki Tidwell Palmer on Instagram
The Radiant Threefold Path
Beyond Bitchy on Spotify
Return + Reclaim + Receive (Vicki's upcoming live event)
Beyond Bitchy Podcast | Episode #1 – Boundaries: What They Are and Why They're So Misunderstood (start here and work your way forward for the foundations of this podcast!)
The Work by Byron Katie

#105 - Managing "Quarantine Work Creep" (Pandemic Episodes) Sep 16, 2020

Show notes

Almost all of us are struggling with the new landscape of our jobs right now. And in this sudden reality of working from home, it can be a challenge to set healthy work boundaries. Without the separation between home and office, you might be finding yourself working longer hours or feeling like you're constantly on call. Tune in to learn how to establish healthy work boundaries and avoid letting "quarantine work creep" take over your life.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #105:

Get started in managing quarantine work creep by figuring your employer's expectations of you in terms of availability, communication, and job description. If you're not sure or anything is unclear, ask!
We train other people how to treat us. If your behavior is at odds with what you say about your availability, you're demonstrating that you are available even during times you said you weren't.
If you're working on something and really want to finish it, there are some specific steps you can take to make sure your extra work isn't taken for granted. But don't expect to get paid extra for your own choice to work more if that isn't part of your work agreement.

Highlights from Episode #105:

Vicki welcomes listeners to this episode, and talks about her upcoming free live virtual event for women. She then begins exploring today's topic: quarantine work creep. [00:39]
You can set boundaries at work even if you've been at your job for a while and didn't start off perfectly, Vicki explains. She then talks about where to start. [06:29]
Vicki points out that for everything that isn't explicitly stated to you as an expectation, you have a lot of freedom. [14:35]
If you're working remotely, Vicki highly recommends that you have a separate business phone number and business address. [19:50]
Vicki invites listeners to ask themselves a hard question: "What was it that I wanted in that situation?" [25:51]
What if you're working on something and are really excited to finish it? [27:53]
Vicki talks about the best ways to have difficult conversations, and explores the reason why a lot of us have Zoom fatigue. [32:51]
Do you have tips or suggestions around managing quarantine work creep? If so, head to the Beyond Bitchy website and share your ideas as comments on this episode. [35:15]

Links and Resources:

#104 - How to Use Boundaries to Control (Don't Do It!) Sep 02, 2020

Show notes

If you've started using boundaries to try to control other people, congratulations! Your boundary skills are likely improving, and you have some knowledge of boundaries. That's the good news. Now, the bad news: using boundaries to control isn't a relational strategy, and leads to a loss of intimacy and connection. Plus, when we use boundaries to control, we miss a great learning opportunity to figure out what's inside (and what's outside) of our own circle of control.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #104:

For most people, the idea of boundaries as controlling doesn't come as a surprise. There are absolutely times and ways that boundaries can be used as control.
If you're not being honest with yourself, it's easy to say that you're setting boundaries for your own protection when you're actually using them to control. Making a request can be a subtle way to get another person to act differently around something that is not vital to the health or safety of the relationship, or a way to tell another person what to do.
When you're wondering whether you're using boundaries to control, ask yourself whether you want to change is in your circle of control, or the other person's circle of control. Next, ask yourself whether this is really a matter of safety.

Highlights from Episode #104:

Welcome to the episode! Vicki starts off with quick announcements about next week's episode and an upcoming event. [00:39]
Vicki digs into the topic of boundaries and control, and explains the three functions of boundaries. [03:42]
What does it look like when boundaries are used to control? [08:47]
Vicki shares an example of something she has done in the past around her husband's driving, including how she used a request to control. [13:31]
We hear another example of using boundaries for control. [18:38]
Have you seen yourself anywhere in this land of using boundaries to control? Vicki offers some advice on what to do when you're about to use a boundary to try to control. [23:49]
Vicki provides more examples, and talks about how you can protect yourself instead of trying to control. [30:01]
Vicki recaps the good news and the bad news about using boundaries to control. [32:35]

Links and Resources:

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