Show notes
There are so many options out there for sports and extracurriculars for kids…and so many questions that come with them. Should you have your kids play sports? When? Should you make them stick with something they hate? The list goes on and on.
You’ll Learn:
- How to create more opportunities for free play (including windows of screen-free time)
- The difference between structured & free play and the benefits of both
- How to decide which sports and extracurricular activities to commit to
- What to do when your kid “doesn’t feel like it”
Today, I’ll give you some guidance on all of these questions. And we’re not just talking about sports. Whether it’s football, gymnastics, music, religious education, learning a new language (or pretty much anything else you can come up with), this episode will help you decide what’s best for your child and your family.
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Formal vs. Free Play
One important distinction to make between kids’ activities is whether it is formal (i.e. structured and usually adult led) or free play (open, freely chosen and participant led).
Lego is a good example. Using instructions to build a kit is an example of formal play, whereas making their own creations from a bunch of random blocks is free play.
Free play is play without a purpose in mind. Think Hot Wheels, playing with dolls, pretending to cook, having a party with stuffed animals, etc. It’s all just for fun. They’re not trying to achieve anything except what they’re doing in the moment.
Plus, there are a lot of benefits that come with open play, including better emotional regulation, self-soothing, problem solving, resilience and knowing their own likes and dislikes. They learn to manage conflict with their playmates.
For the most part, kids under age 5 do not need to be in any organized sports or activities. Their primary job at this stage is to learn how to move their body, listen, understand basic rules and directions, and play with others. They are likely getting plenty of formal training during preschool or kindergarten, and they don’t really need more than that.
I often see parents wanting to put kids in activities because they struggle to keep their children entertained all day. Their kids are restless, overwhelmed, dysregulated, and easily bored. As an adult, it feels good to bring in some structure and put something on the calendar. There’s nothing wrong with this, but I want you to recognize that it is for you, not for them.
When kids aren’t used to this open, unstructured time, they’re going to be uncomfortable figuring out what to do with themselves. They’re used to having a lot of direction from grown-ups. As the parent, you might see this and think that your child only does well when they’re in a programmed environment, but it’s really just a skill they haven’t developed yet.
Ultimately, we want to see kids having more and more time in free play. This looks like kids moving their bodies with open-ended equipment (e.g. blocks, figures, scooters, balls, trampoline, etc.). Imaginative play is the beauty of being a kid, and we want to give them as many opportunities as we can to do that.
Rather than running soccer drills, give them a chance to kick, run and play. Go to the park and set them loose to run, pretend, and make up their own games. Let them jump off low walls, muck around in the mud, play tag, have foot races, pretend to sword fight, and use their body to develop their muscles and motor skills. And if they want to play sports later, this experimentation and movement is also how athleticism is built.
Pros & Cons of Structured Activity
When your kids are in organized sports and activities, it takes away time for the free, open play we know they need.
In many cases, kids spend a lot of time waiting their turn or listening to directions during group activities. So, at the end, they might seem even more dysregulated than when you took them there. It can help to give them some free play after their formal activity ends to release some of that energy.
Of course, organized sports are good for physical movement. And many extracurriculars involve a team, which helps kids learn how to cooperate and problem solve with others. Even when an adult is leading, it’s cool to be a part of a team that is working toward something together.
The commitment of organized sports can be both a challenge and a benefit. Your child signed up for it, it’s paid for, their team is counting on them…so they have to go do it even when they don’t want to. This can be tough for your kid (and for you), but it also builds resilience, integrity and character.
How To Decide About Sports & Extracurriculars
First, think about what’s important to you. Why do you want to put them in an organized activity?
It might be because you want structure to your schedule. You might feel pressure to help your kid keep up with their peers or want them to be strong and athletic. It might just seem like everyone else is doing it, so you should, too. Or maybe your kid is truly excited about trying something new.
Limiting Activities
In our family, each kid did one sport or physical activity per season. This allowed for more of that open play time.
Unfortunately, because everyone is so scheduled, it can be a challenge to coordinate playtime with other kids. Get a little social and connect with other families who are available for free play in the afternoons or weekends. Make a plan to get together and go for a hike, swim at the pool, or play at the park.
Specialization in Sports
More and more, we see kids specializing in a single sport from an early age, meaning that they do that one sport pretty much year-round.
Developmentally, we want our kids to specialize in specific sports and activities in adolescence, but data shows that if kids commit to a sport too young (before they truly have a desire for it), they might give up on it just as they enter their adolescent years, when they need it most.
This means that through the elementary years, we want to expose them to lots of different activities and give them opportunities to figure out what they love to do.
Here are some general guidelines by age:
Up to age 5-6: Just move!
Despite how it may seem when you see tiny kids playing sports, it actually isn’t necessary for a child to learn any specific sport at a young age. Up until age 5 or 6, kids are really just developing basic motor skills.
Ages 6-12: Try out different sports and activities
Between ages 6 and 12, the body is really good at learning new physical skills. So, that means that it doesn’t make a huge difference whether your kid starts a sport at 6 or 9. As long as they have practice moving their body, they’ll be able to pick up the more specific skills and movements of that activity.
The Teen Years: Specialize
In the teen years, specialization in a sport or activity can be a good thing. They see it as part of their identity and connect with their peers through those shared interests.
Commitment
This applies to you and your child, especially if they decide to specialize in a sport. Again, I suggest avoiding this until around age 11, but at that point, specialization often means travel, trainers and a higher level of commitment (of time, energy, and money).
Before you commit, think about how important it is for your family to prioritize this skill. Do you think it's going to serve them when they're in high school? Do you think it will serve them beyond high school?
You won’t know what’s right until you try some things. If they’re into baseball, maybe try all-stars with a little travel. See how it feels before you commit year-round.
There isn’t a right or wrong here. When my kids were young, my husband worked 70-80 hours a week (no joke!), so we didn’t do year-round sports. We prioritized family time at home over travel sports.
You’ll need to decide for yourself what you can commit to financially and what your lifestyle will support.
An Emotionally Healthy Environment
If you want to raise an emotionally healthy kid, their environment needs to be emotionally healthy. The activities you commit to contribute to that environment.
If you are an overwhelmed, busy, busy person, driving 3 kids to 3 different activities every afternoon might not be the right fit for you. It might not work for your family. It might create so much stress and dysregulation that it's not worth the effort.
Go into sports slowly. Explore. Be curious about what your kid will enjoy and how it will work for your family. Try things out before you go all in on any one activity.
Managing Resistance
There are lots of reasons we want to put our kids in activities, but sometimes we don’t get the result we’re going for, and it can even create new issues. A common one is resistance to participating in an activity after your child has committed.
In general, if a kid commits to a season, it’s good for them to stick it out and go all the way through it. Of course, there are circumstances where you need to just stop and regroup. But I usually recommend that you commit to making that activity a priority and hold your kid accountable.
So, let’s say your kid is signed up for baseball (or whatever their activity of choice is), and they don’t feel like going today. What to do?
First, make sure you are calm. Then, tap into compassion for how your child is feeling. They’re resisting for a reason. Something is uncomfortable for them. We want to be understanding without giving in and rescuing them from that discomfort.
Set a limit, like : Your baseball registration costs $150. I’m happy to pay for this as long as you participate. Basically, if they go, you pay. If they don’t, they pay.
The minute your kid says they’re not going, you can let them know, “Okay, well that’s $25 for today’s game. You’ll have to either sell some of your toys or work for me to earn $25. Here’s the phone. You’ll have to call your coach and tell them you’re not coming. And then write a letter to your team explaining why you didn’t show up for them.”
By this point, your kid will probably decide it’s not worth it, and they’ll put their cleats on and get in the car.
You can’t physically make them go to the field and play. But you can still hold your boundary and let them know that if they cost you money or cause a problem for their team, it’s on them to figure out how to solve those problems.
Sports and extracurriculars can be wonderful opportunities for your child to develop new skills and friendships, especially if you make decisions about them in a way that aligns with your family’s values and goals.
Resources:
- Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne
- Episode 128: Encouraging Boredom
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