Apocrypals

Latest Episodes:

118: The Mouse Shall Not Lie Down With The Book (Psalms, Part 1) Aug 15, 2026

Show notes

Verily I say unto you, Theophiloi, that this generation shall not pass til the return of Apocrypals be fulfilled. And here we are, back in action after a lengthy, dissociative absence with the first part of our look at Psalms! It's the celebration of Approximate Week once again, so join us as we go through the first 23 of these possibly Davidic, probably not Adamic prayers, only stopping when we hit a famous one.

Topics of discussion: Fire Pro Wrestling World and mental illness, Chris's Bad Year, Benito's Good Year, Croasting (not Crow Sting), America Pope, SSGSS Luce, Swamp Thing, horse drugs, Psalty, the 120 Days of Psodom, NWAsonas, a potted review of Wicked, selah, Shrek (RIP), the CSB, Tim Meadows, a joke so good it made Benito cuss, Piccolo and Kami and Adam Warlock and the Magus and the Goddess.

Hymnal: "Deceptacon" by Le Tigre. "Take a Chance On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church.

This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.dashery.com/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

Bonus: Biblical Mini-Golf May 08, 2025

Show notes

For the first time in ten years, Theophiloi -- and the first time ever during the lifespan of this very podcast -- Chris and Benito are in the same place, actually hanging out with each other! What better way to celebrate this momentous occasion than by playing three full courses of Bible themed mini-golf?

Join us as we recount our experience at Lexington, Kentucky's own Fairway to Heaven and pitch our own ideas for hagiographic Putt-Putt. Plus we spend like ten minutes trying to figure out if they have mini-golf in Malta. I didn't edit a second of this.

117: King Solomon's Hog (The Second Book of Chronicles, feat. Aaron Higashi) Feb 18, 2025

Show notes

Yes, Theophiloi, that quote at the top of the show is actually in Bible. Like, full canon Bible that you can find in the back of the pew or the hotel room drawer. I was surprised too, but you know who wasn't? Our special guest Aaron Higashi, who returns to the show from his Multipals appearance to help us through the seemingly endless slog that is 2 Chronicles! Will he be able to rescue us from the most boring book in the whole canon by revealing that it's actually secretly really interesting? Aaron thinks so, and if anyone can convince you, it's him!

Topics of Discussion: The Alliance To End Dan McClellan, the statistics of death by cow, John Wick: Ad Bestias, the impact of the Babylonian exile on the development of the Torah, Solomonsplaining, the common currency/new ages of comics, a whole lot of Hog Talk, Rob Liefeld's The Covenant, Azazel (NOT Nightcrawler's dad), Zera the Cushite's alleged army, avoidance of seeking the Baals, incurable nasty butt disesase, the hands-on God of P, the Neko King, Chris just fully giving up, an eight year-old with Biblically bad vibes.

Hymnal: An instrumental track whose name escapes me for some reason, "Take a Chance On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church.

This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris.

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

116: It's His BIRTHDAY, Be Nice! (The Revelation of the Magi) Dec 22, 2024

Show notes

O come, all ye Theophiloi, joyful and triumphant, to the final Apocrypals episode of 2024! We two kings of podcasting are reading a story about a talking star as we dive into the Revelation of the Magi. Sure, you may think you know the story of Caspar, Balthazar, and Melchior journeying to meet the baby Jesus, but did you know that there were actually a bunch of wise men and that they already talked to Jesus before they even left? Or that their journey was completely uneventful? It's certainly more interesting than it sounds, we hope! Plus: our annual live recorded Christmas gift exchange, featuring, with no exaggeration, the perfect present.

Topics of discussion: Benito gets existentially Terminator'd, Every Yule Lad Ever, Dracula Christmas, a desperate plea for those sweet sweet advertising dollars, Dr. Curt Connors (the Lizard) vis-a-vis the Looney Tunes Golden Collection, The Pinnacle of 70s Face, Orthodox April, Biblically rancid vibes, the Firstborn Opener of the Secret Womb, Deku, presents.

Hymnal: "O Come All Ye Faithful" by Bad Religion, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love

This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris.

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

115: Hell Is The Big Show (The Life of St. Christina the Astonishing) Oct 27, 2024

Show notes

CONTENT WARNING: Our discussion of St. Christina includes mention of self-harm and mental illness.

It's Halloween, TheoKILLoi, and that means it's time once again for our annual tradition of Haints and Saints! This year, we're covering St. Christina the Astonishing, who certainly lives up to her epithet, although possibly not in the way that her hagiographer was intending. We dive into the life of the appropriately sainted patron of mental illness, a woman of incredible subtlety who hated the smell of men and got real into foot stuff. Also, she was a zombie, and that's like the fifth wildest part of this entire story.

Topics of Discussion: a very professional false start, the John Wick of Cows, goblin solidarity, Chris's dubious namesake, hell-adjacent areas, Arrakis (desert planet), the Morph Ball, Heinz MayoChup™, disrespecting Stolas, the Morrison run, taberna festivulorum, foot stuff.

Hymnal: "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" by Celine Dion, "Christina the Astonishing" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris.

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

114: Sin-onyms, The Devil's Argument (The Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicity) Oct 03, 2024

Show notes

If you learn nothing else from our show, Theophiloi, let it be this: Never send a cow to do a leopard's job. This, for the record, is not a metaphor, it's the lesson that we learn from the passion of Perpetua and Felicity, who -- spoiler warning for a text with the word "Martyrdom" in the title! -- meet their fate at the hands of the Roman Empire after a pretty lackluster attempt to see if herbivores can make it in the arena. Dragons! Kissing! Childbirth! This one's got it all!

Topics of discussion: A certain number of swords, the kind of person who would buy a Funko Pop, Fan Fiction and Early Christian Writings by Tom de Bruin, disrespecting St. Thecla, the relative ease of being murdered by lions, things to say when you see cows, the theological benefits of crossword puzzles, proof once again that the Laadder Match is a Christian specialty, dinocracy, Hilarianus, the Techno-Organic Virus, the Sanavivarian Gate, Heaven and the Salt & Pepper Diner, the efficiency of the German language, a long-awaited return trip to the bar.

Hymnal: "22 (Taylor's Version)" by Taylor Swift, "The Winner Takes it All " by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45)

This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris.

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)

113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham) Sep 05, 2024

Show notes

Grab your turtledoves and get to stranglin', Theophiloi, because we're taking another trip to the Seventh Firmament, and this time we're bringing good ol' Father Abraham in the years before he had his many sons. We've got divine vengeance, the fires of Hell, Benito almost swearing on the mic, and a truly wild amount of DragonBall discussion, even for us as we tackle a major piece of apocrypha. Plus: Chris accidentally invents gnosticism!

Topics of discussion: A censer fulla Faygo, the Gallagher Bros., the Gallagher Bros., Book, The Alliance To End Maklelanmania, FHO, a surprising amount of poetry, an opinion on narrative that I simply do not understand???, Merimath the Stone of Deceit, gods of metal, idolators: cool and chill?, graven images of Super Saiyan Goku, the Ultimate Power, the Biz, Namor the Sub-Mariner, big Jernathan energy, Maharba, the Author of All Lies, the Angel Factory, the (eternal and unceasing) song of the summer, "feet," wings in low places, an off-model but suspiciously familiar serpent.

Hymnal: "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting" by Elton John, "Dancing Queen" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45)

This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris.

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)

112: Approximate Week VI: The Undiscovered Country Aug 17, 2024

Show notes

Leave cookies and milk for the werewolves and a thorn bush on your doorstep for St. Benedict, Theophiloi, because it's Approximate Week once again! We're celebrating the eight nights between our birthdays by indulging in one of the least canonical texts we've ever covered, in our mutual favorite medium. It's an extra-sized look back at a three-issue Marvel Comics miniseries about Illuminator: The Hero Who Keeps The Faith! Join us as we dive into the dubious evangelical theology of Tennessee's favorite (citation needed) superhero and try to figure out whether or not crystals are real. Plus: presents!

Topics of Discussion: The gifts of a hatsman, Benito Says: I Love Book, Tobit Detours by Elisabeth Mehl Greene, a quick aside about that book by that guy, Lethal Larry Hama, manualism, Fast Lane, a fair fact-checking of Relevant Magazine, two comic book icons, jazz cigarettes, a mention of the curséd Twitty Bird, panty raids: why?, the Siege Perilous, Death Wish 3, Drugs Plus, Moon Knight Style!, the Lizard (Curt Connors) and what he did, a rare instance of Benito fully breaking, the Darkhold, "the Apparatus," that one M&Ms ad from the '80s, Darkchylde and Aphrodite IX, Crystals: Threat or Menace?

Hymnal: "Blinding Lights" by The Weeknd, "O Holy Night" by Handmaster Herdling (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQOXqvusZfhZSdcVqX4_x6g)

This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris.

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

111: All Skips No Hits (1 Chronicles) Aug 09, 2024

Show notes

Open your ears to hear, Theophiloi! Your humble Sons of Thunder are back in style with a return to the show and to Canon Bible, just in time to kick off your Approximate Week celebrations! As promised, we're back with an in-depth look at 1 Chronicles, and while that may be the most boring part of the entire thing, we're doing our best to make it interesting. Or possibly to tear it down and debunk it, depending on who you ask.

Topics of discussion: Benito's academic qualifications, a review from Chris's mom, a dubious number of Eisner awards, true facts about Benito's secret catholic Bible college seminary past, a bad baby name, These Uncircumcised Men, Jasho Beam!, All-Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Gadites, a rare instance of the Apocrypals working blue, the interesting peculiarities of God manifesting physically in the mortal world, a special chair that Chris doesn't know about, Joyeuse, a downgrade from Wack to Weird, My Brother, My Bread, And Goliath.

Hymnal: "He-Man" by Ludacris, "Take A Chance On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45)

Apocrypals is usually edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown, but Chris did this one.

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

Multipals 06: Dr. Justin Sledge Feb 05, 2024

Show notes

It's 2024, Theophiloi, and a new year means new friends for your humble sons of thunder! This time, we're chatting to Dr. Justin Sledge about Biblical esoterica and Qabalah, and you know what that means: we finally find out if Promethea or Persona 5 is a more accurate depiction of real-world theology. It turns out Sephiroth ain't just a dude with a big sword and some deep-rooted issues with his mom. Who knew? (Justin did. That's why he's here.)

Find out more about Justin and his work at https://www.youtube.com/esotericachannel

Topics of Discussion: A Froggy Fresh Christmas; New Bible Drop; Forbidden coneys; the 36th Chamber of Qabalah; The messiah's hype man; Sixty pages on three words; The art of harmonisation; Pugilists of faith; Schrodinger's Gnosticism; Running for the deep, mystical border; God's Hulk (complimentary); The hedge against cultural imperialism; The Twelve (derogatory).

Hymnal: "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel

Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown.

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

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