372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

Ep 175 – Book 31: The Quilting Cruise Nov 14, 2024

It’s cozy season! It’s cruise season! Wait, can it be BOTH??

Get the book here https://amzn.to/4fzHWa1 (affiliate link)

If you supported the podcast on Patreon you’d have already been cozy for a week because we post every episode there a week early! Plus we have another ENTIRE PODCAST on there where we try to solve old Encyclopedia Brown mysteries, sometimes with special guests! https://patreon.com/372pages

Jonathan’s song: 372pages.com/recapsong.mp3 and all the images we discuss in this episode: https://imgur.com/a/RjzYnWN

ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 9

Ep 174 – Tek Kill – Ep 4 Oct 17, 2024

Support the podcast on Patreon where you can hear our latest attempts to solve insane Encyclopedia Brown mysteries with special guests Alex Schmidt, John Hodgman, and David Roth! https://patreon.com/372pages

Finally, the most pressing questions are answered: who is Mrs. Juneanne Stackpoole? Will Anselmo be as big a character as we always assumed? What’s the latest from the Thelwell Brokerage Services?!

Oh, also, though it doesn’t matter or count in the least, the Real of FanFic, Mike v. Conor is tallied.

Plus some listener mail and Dumb Sentences of the Week.

Ep 173 – Tek Kill – Ep 3 Oct 01, 2024

Support the podcast on Patreon, where you get every episode early as well as all the other fun stuff we talk about on these eps! https://patreon.com/372pages

We have what you all crave: tantalizing new facts about Sid. Also, without noting it we meet what we have to imagine is the 750th character in this relatively short book.

Dumb Sentences join our final Real or FanFic of this book, and, at long last, the full clip that should put to rest the eternal question, “Who is Jim Dalen?”

Ep 172 – Tek Kill – Ep 2 Sep 17, 2024

Support the podcast on Patreon. Special guest have started joining us for 280 Mysteries! https://patreon.com/372pages

We’ve kept you waiting long enough: time to find out the moisture level of Sid’s facial hair and to name the implement or implements he uses to groom it. Also, our experimental Real or FanFic continues to go swimmingly / terribly, depending on whether you’re Team Conor or Team Mike.

ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 31

Ep 171 – Tek Kill – Ep 1 Jul 24, 2024

Support the podcast on Patreon so you can hear our recap of the previous 7 books in the series, Encyclopedia Brown mysteries, and all the other stuff we talk about in this episode! http://patreon.com/372pages

So many characters! Why?

Ok, we’ve calmed down now. We’re back in the Tek-verse. We’re happy, I wouldn’t hesitate to say, to be here.

Get the book here.

READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through Chap. 21

Ep 170 – Book 30 Announcement: Tek Kill Jul 09, 2024

If you were on Patreon this would be old news because we announced it there a week ago! Support the podcast here: patreon.com/372pages

The new book is announced! Since it is one of a series, we bring everyone up to date with excerpts of previous books AND Mike tells another story about his dad (squeamish discretion advised.)

Get the book here but no peeking ’til you’ve heard us reveal it! https://amzn.to/3Y6dS0z (affiliate link)

ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 11

**Ep 169 – Bridge to Bat City – Ep 5 – Bat Dance** Jun 20, 2024
Support the podcast on Patreon, where you can hear us chat with Paul Scheer and find out what our next book is before anybody else! http://patreon.com/372pages

Our final episode of Ernest Cline’s *Bridge to Bat City* and it may not surprise you learn that Cline wraps everything up in exactly the way you’d expect him to.

There’s a lot of Listener Mail, including some pretty good theories #cough harperlee cough trumancapote#, as well as a load of Dumb Sentences, and statistics on Mike’s Real or Fanfic.

But to start it all off, many people wrote in with some truly stunning news ripped right from today’s headlines. (I don’t think we’ve EVER had anything quite this on the nose before.)

NOTE: We had some minor audio issues (blame on some new gear in Mike’s rig.) so we’ll make it up to y’all with a Bonus tbd. Thanks.

Alejandro’s updated artwork

Bat researcher Merlin Tuttle crying

Jonah’s statistics

Opal’s “cameo” in Slacker

Jacob’s list of kids books from 1927: https://372pages.com/kidsbooks.pdf

Ep 168 – Bridge to Bat City – Ep 4 – Welcoming Jun 06, 2024

Don’t be a Muckerno, support the Podcast on Patreon! Get every episode a week early, plus a ton of other bonus stuff that we don’t put on the free feed! https://patreon.com/372pages

Shocking – truly SHOCKING – news that will shake up the 372 community almost as much as the scandal surrounding our last cozy mystery. Not since Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Academy Awards while that guy streaked across the stage behind David Niven has there been anything this “watercooler-talk-worthy” (<—— huh, kids? 8 year-olds, you’re eating this up, aren’t you?)

Mike and Conor continue to delve into the story of Opal and how she can communicate with bats because she was sucked up into a UFO, and now she rambles (i.e., “drives around in a car”) with her uncle Roscoe, a serious loser who destroyed his family farm, owes thousands in back taxes, and sneaks into alleys behind music clubs so he doesn’t have to pay the seventy-five cent cover charge.

All the departments are here and as a final reading assignment, FINISH THE BOOK!

(And yes, Mike forgot that a kind listener had already done a “We Didn’t Start the Fire” parody. Could we have edited it out? Sure, but why not mock him instead?)

Gallery of illustration “similarities” submitted by Jay: https://imgur.com/a/wUajGQP

Ep 167 – Bridge to Bat City – Ep 3 – Weird May 23, 2024

Support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early, plus hear Mike’s Bat Story, Conor’s Paul Harvey tapes, an entire bonus podcast about Encyclopedia Brown and more! https://patreon.com/372pages

Bats can read! Or they can’t! But we know they spread mojo which causes people to groove. That’s just science.

Mike does Real or Fanfic (“does” in this context means “participates in”), we have Dumb Sentences, and we read some mail!

Finally, a reminder from the CDC: Bats are the leading cause of rabies deaths in people in the United States. People and domestic animals should avoid contact with bats. Bats should never be kept as pets. Rabies can spread to people from bats after minor, seemingly unimportant, or unrecognized bites or scratches.

Get the book here. (Affiliate Link)

ASSIGNMENT: Read until the sentence “And that’s how Opal and the bats made friends with Richard Linklater and Lee Daniel and helped out the crew of Slacker, one of the best films ever made about Austin and the people who live there.”

Ep 166 – Bridge to Bat City – Ep 2 – Suddenly May 09, 2024

Support the podcast on Patreon and get to hear stuff we don’t post anywhere else! This week included Mike’s dramatic courtroom reading of a Prince song and Conor’s epic roast of a 70 year old folk son. http://patreon.com/372pages

Witness the exact moment that Cline fully becomes Cline! Also, lots of mean-spirited men in hard hats, as well as tons of references to classic 80s songs from the 60s and 70s. The Dark Web is pressed into service, and Mike just might up his batting average at Real or Fanfic.

READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through Chapter 15 PANIC ON THE STREETS OF AUSTIN

Get the big ole beautiful book here: https://amzn.to/3TRVmoL (affiliate link)

Ep 165 – Bridge to Bat City – Ep 1 – Yucking the Yums Apr 17, 2024

Support the Patreon to mainline Cline before anyone else! You’ll also get to hear our other podcast 280 Mysteries We’ll Never Get Back on off weeks! https://patreon.com/372pages

Ernest Cline, the founder of our feast here at 372 Pages, is back with another book, Bridge to Bat City. A day after its release, Conor and Mike review the first few chapters, take on some Dumb Sentences, Mike fails at Real or Fanfic and Conor reads some mail.

In other words, despite barely dipping a toe in, it’s a jam packed episode.

Get the big ole beautiful book here: https://amzn.to/3TRVmoL (affiliate link)

Assignment: Read thru Chapter 10

Media:

Cline at Wootstock

The RiffTrax guys at Wootstock

Megamania footage

Alejandro’s 372 character compendium

**Ep 164 – Kaileb’s Dream – Ep 5 – Monchi** Mar 27, 2024
Thank you to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode a week early, get an entire other podcast you won’t find anywhere else, and learn about the next book before anyone else! You’d have to be a real U-ket to miss out! https://patreon.com/372pages

We end it. The book, that is. Not the world itself. That’s up to the Demon Witches and Monchi. And the humans. And the mages. And Theo. And Jennifer. And Jasmine. And the girls. And the undead Egyptians. And the Nryphons. And the eagles. And the people of Telmar. And the Lords (you know, the ones we hold “the festival” for, even during the very darkest times of war?”) And the ever-present pork – look, we’re all happy this is over.

If you still want to read the book, it’s available here. (affiliate link)

**Media**:

Picture of the Columbus, OH White Horse Sallon (discovered by Marc)

Various decorative pillow pictures taken by Conor over the years

EDIT: Robert Byrd’s “War!” can be found at the 4:27 mark of this video

Ep 163 – Kaileb’s Dream – Ep 4 – Justly Mar 14, 2024

Support the Patreon and get every episode a week early, plus access to an entire second podcast, contests, and more! http://patreon.com/372pages

Look, yes, it’s longer than a normal episode. But to answer your question we’re less picky about the typos than we have been for the last three episodes!!

There is in the middle of this reading one of the most insane things that has ever happened in any book. Any book we’ve yet read. Truly.

And for what it’s worth Conor tackles Real or Fanfic this time and whether or not he does better than Mike is neither here nor there, why are you asking? Plus, a new Dumb Sentence song by HAYDEN!

Read along with us, get the book here. (affiliate link)

Assignment: Finish the damn book!

Ep 162 – Kaileb’s Dream – Ep 3 – Miel Feb 29, 2024

Don’t be a Monchi, support the podcast with a Patreon subscription! https://patreon.com/372pages

Read along with us! Ebook available here. (affiliate link)

Hey, hey! Under three hours, a truly compact episode. But the creatures mentioned continue to get stranger and more macabre: Demons, Gryphons, Nryphons, the Balls (Fire and Sylvia), Clam Woman, Man Mom and Almost Dad.

Plus, listeners continue to absolutely pummel Mike at Real or FanFic. I mean, like a mace-to-his-face pummel, blood everywhere, skull shattered. Happily Zoser was there to make things right.

Also, many, many, many Dumb Sentences featuring a new theme!

ASSIGNMENT: Read thru the chapter “In the third world”

Ep 161 – Kaileb’s Dream – Ep 2 – De Nada Feb 14, 2024

Support the podcast on Patreon! It’s what Sylvia Ball would do.

Look, we can explain – there’s just so much to cover! Every single sentence, every exchange, every plot advancement brings whole new galaxies of madness.

Included in the mighty length of this episode are some Dumb Sentences (along with a new theme!) and see if Mike can improve upon his dismal Real or FanFic score.

Many thanks to listener Jonathan for his Dumb Sentence theme (we will probably debut others as well in the coming weeks.) Thanks, Jonathan!

Get the book here (affiliate link)

READING ASSIGNMENT: Read Chap 5 Messenger of the King

Ep #160 – Kaileb’s Dream – Ep 1: A Beef Stew Amuse Bouche Jan 30, 2024

Support the podcast on Patreon to gain our eternal trust and respect! http://patreon.com/372pages

Thus, an epic episode. The, longest, maybe, ever? (just making sure your reading the book…….)

True and utter madness, like nothing we’ve ever read before on 372 Pages. Seriously. It is not hyperbole; this is deranged, and you must read along, if only to prove we’re not going slowly insane.

Get the book here (affiliate link)

Assignment: Read the next two chapters.

Ep 159 – New Year, New Book! (Book 28: Kaileb’s Dream) Jan 16, 2024

Join the 372 Patreon where all the crazy stuff happens! Get every episode a week early, plus our sub-podcast where we try to solve insane Encyclopedia Brown mysteries, and much more! http://patreon.com/372pages

Spoiler: frosting is discussed at some length. As are dreams, and if there’s anything more exciting than hearing about someone else’s dream, I’D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS!!

If you don’t want to listen to the nonsense, you can find the new book here (affiliate link)

Assignment: read up to the chapter titled “The Realm of Eris”

Ep 158- A Christmas Killer Affair – Ep 2 Dec 26, 2023

Thanks to everyone who supported the podcast on Patreon this year. We absolutely would not do it if you weren’t there for us. Join the fun next year! http://patreon.com/372pages

We end the year with absolutely blockbuster news. Seriously, a twist so shocking that no cozy writer could ever conceive of it. We won’t spoil it, but we tackle the revelation at the very beginning so be prepared to be stunned.

That aside, this reading is full of hot shoulders, chilled breasts and lots of folksy Uncle Kidd wisdom. Not to mention the solution to the central mystery!

Get the book on kindle and paperback

Get How to Write and Market a Christmas Cozy Mystery here (affiliate links)

T. Lockhaven’s “Resource” page for “writing” your own: https://christmascozymystery.com/resources

Ep 157- A Killer Christmas Affair – Ep 1 Dec 20, 2023

Support the podcast on Patreon! By the time this posts, we’ll already have posted the next episode on there! http://patreon.com/372pages

Time to check in with Murphy, Carmen, Ophelia, Uncle Kidd, Marisol, Granddaddy, Aunt Lucy, Aunt Lindy, Darbie Grimes, Darbie Grimes’ mother, three dead husbands killed in an unknown accident, Simon, Lawrence Galloway, Miquel, Douglas, Judge Ed Simpson, Paul Turner, Phyllis Newton, Bailey Fox, Jerry, Mandy, Charles Deever, Dan Stevens, Mrs. Dan Stevens, Dr. Garrett, Melva Brooks, Lorine Reynolds, Pastor Mark Reed, Janet Crosby, Sherriff Ken Grayson, and Walter Green of Sunflower, Texas.

Santa dies, the blood pools around his head, his hair and presumably some flesh are stuck on the bedpost of our narrator and the handsome sheriff is covering up the fact that obviously foul play is involved. In other words, cozy!

READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the book.

Get the book here (affiliate link)

Ep 156 – Christmas 2023 Cozy announcement! Dec 11, 2023

Support the podcast on Patreon where they found out what this book is a week ago! patreon.com/372pages

In real time, Mike and Conor select their next book – and we guarantee it will be cozy! Select your hugest, fuzziest slippers (preferably cartoon-based), your giant cup of cocoa, we’re talking soup bowl sized with a handle on the side, and get a fire going, anywhere. Even if you don’t have a fireplace.

It’s cozy time!

If you don’t want to listen, you can find the book in paperback and on kindle (affiliate links)

ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 7

Ep 155 – The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists Ep 4 – Slenderman Gorilla Nov 29, 2023

Support the podcast on Patreon! We have a video tier now so you can see us mispronounce things in real time! http://patreon.com/372pages

An absolutely epic end to an epic book. Let’s list them off: giant gorillas, chimpanzees, giant ostriches, gigantic komodo-looking dragons, witch princesses in sheer linen gowns: it’s obvious Larry got a little excited and wrote the end of this one.

No Real or Fanfic; however Mike’s stats on this are discussed. Spoiler alert. They are not good. New book announcement coming very soon.

Here’s Denise’s Moepek rewrite/reimagining that we talk about at the beginning of the show: https://amzn.to/3sNig7b (affiliate link!)

Ep 154 – The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists Ep 3 – The Blinding Underground Sun Nov 10, 2023

Support the podcast on Patreon, where you’ll get every episode a week early, extra stuff you can’t get anywhere else, contests, and more! http://patreon.com/372pages

Incredible – truly incredible – Larry and Denise stuff in this section. The vast majority of this reading could have been submitted as Real or Fanfic and fooled Mike every time. And speaking of, please listen in if only to hear Mike fail miserably at Real or Fanfic! READING

ASSIGNMENT: *sigh* Finish the book.

**Ep 153 – The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists Ep 2 – The Tri-Moepek Cup** Oct 30, 2023
Join the fun on Patreon, where you get every episode a week early, participate in our discord, and get lots of other stuff you can’t get anywhere else. patreon.com/372pages

Like jumping into a waterfall and landing in a Nile River of madness, *The Adventures of the Teen Archaeologists (Book 1) The Land of the Moepeks* by Larry and Denise Ellis does not disappoint. The character names come at you fast and furious, there’s a disproportionate amount of yelling, a ton of sarcasm, some non-caring remarks, and best of all, flying dinosaurs from Flying Dinosaur Island which is right next door to the Land of the Moepeks.

A lot of great Fanfic, Dumb Sentences and Listener Mail to boot.

**Assignment**: Read thru Chapter 11

**Links:**

-John’s signed and annotated copy of How To Revive The Middle Class (Get your own here (affiliate link)

-Jan’s exhaustive character spreadsheet

The much discussed potential tattoo

Ep 152 – The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists Ep 1 Oct 12, 2023

Join us on Patreon, where every episode comes out a week early and you get to hear all the other bonus stuff we only put on there! And check out “The Naked Clone” a book that Mike & Conor co-authored with Kevin, Bill, and Sean from RiffTrax!

Yes, a long episode, but this book more than earns it. So much to talk about, so many Real or Fanfics, so many Dumb Sentences, so many slaps on so many teenage faces…

And folks, you may not believe it, but Larry and Denise actually innovate a new redundancy in writing that must be read and re-read to be believed.

[Very slight audio note: toward the end, there’s a blip in Conor’s track where he disappears for about a half a second. Just so you know you’re not hallucinating.]

Archived Antigua website

Archived Moepek website

READING ASSIGNMENT: Read thru Chapter 7

Ep 151 – The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists- Intro Oct 05, 2023

Join the fun on Patreon, where you get every episode a week early and other fun bonus stuff! https://patreon.com/372pages

The book is currently unavailable on Amazon, so if you’ve already read your copy, please pay it forward to another listener!

To prepare for what we can only assume is an epic reading of Larry and Denise’s The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists (Book 1) The Land of the Moepek we asked patreon supporters to submit your favorite moments from Antigua. Gordle the Gorilla, Nasty Fox, forcing people into trees (with the “forces” from their wands), all of these make the cut!

If you want to catch up on the Antigua episodes, here’s a youtube playlist of all of them

Assignment: read the first two chapters; a new episode is coming soon.

Ep 150 – The Starlight Barking Ep 3 – Roly Poly Does Paris Sep 07, 2023

Help us pick the next book! We’ll be running a poll on the 372 Patreon: http://patreon.com/372pages

The Bark Squad wraps up Dodie Smith’s fever nightmare of a sequel in this final episode covering The Starlight Barking. Sirius the Dogstar visits, promising a lifetime of bliss in outer space. Unfortunately, some whiny mangey strays are all like “Uh, no, we like having owners who mistreat and starve us” and so Pongo is forced to make a decision on behalf of all dogdom. Also Missus “invents” the High Swoosh and we reach “closure” on what the hell was up with Cruella’s metal clothes. There may be a list of dog names at some point.

Thanks to everyone who took the journey with us, we can’t wait until Disney finally releases their animated version. As threatened, we’ll be back soon with a Patreon poll to pick the next book!

Ep 149 – The Starlight Barking Ep 2 – Sleeping Devils Aug 22, 2023

Support the podcast on Patreon and get every new episode a week early PLUS access to our entire archive of five years of bonus material: https://patreon.com/372pages

We learn a lot of new things in this episode: mostly Mike is terrible at Real or Fanfic! Seriously, all sorts of new rules about physis and metaphysics are explained, but they all boil down to how terrible Mike is at Real or Fanfic. Who is causing “The Sleep”? Is Cruella actually a demon from Hell? Doesn’t matter, because Mike stinks at Real or Fanfic.

Also, Dumb Sentences of the Week. And Conor dives to the Dark Web.

OH, also, I’m bad at this, but Conor and Mike are heading to Nashville to do this show, which will prove to be fun and funny and fun! https://www.fathomevents.com/events/RiffTrax-Live-Rad

Ep 148 – The Starlight Barking Ep 1: Dalmatians Be Whooshing Aug 04, 2023

Support the podcast on Patreon where you can get every episode a week early as well as other fun stuff like Mike trying to solve the world’s most diabolical Encyclopedia Brown mysteries! http://patreon.com/372pages

The first full episode of The Starlight Barking goes in, shall we say, some unexpected directions. Lots more talk of pure bloodlines and hastily assembled coups than we expected in the sequel to 101 Dalmatians. Fortunately there’s also a healthy amount of whooshing, humping, and implied scooting thrown in! And that’s just by Conor during a surprisingly challenging Real or Fanfic segment!

Note: Mike’s microphone encountered some issues that resulted in reduced audio quality on his end. The source has been found and it won’t happen again. Feel free to roast him in the comments.

Assignment: Read thru Chapter 8

Get the book here

Link we mentioned: https://nationalpurebreddogday.com/the-smallest-of-the-101-dalmatians-what-was-her-name/

Pictures we mentioned

Ep 147 – Book 25: The Starlight Barking Jul 21, 2023

If you were on Patreon, you’d have known what the new book was a week ago! Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages

Let’s figure out what the TWENTY-FIFTH book we’re going to read together will be, but first, Conor quizzes Mike on some direct to VHS Real or Fanfic.

Link to buy Book 25: https://amzn.to/3NQG5S7

Reading Assignment: Thru Chapter 4

Ep 146 – Artemis – Ep 5 – Bleriana’d Jun 30, 2023

Be the first to find out what’s next by supporting the podcast on Patreon. You’ll also hear a new subpodcast where Mike tries to solve Encyclopedia Brown mysteries: http://patreon.com/372pages

We finished Artemis! And we ranked Artemis as compares to all the other books covered in this podcast: you won’t believe what happens next!!

And we’re just going to get ahead of it: Chekov’s re-usable condom does not pay off.

There’s some mail from listeners as well, and one of them brings us up to date on Mike’s Real or Fanfic stats. I don’t think anyone is going to be impressed.

Episode 145 – Artemis Ep 4 – Dale and Bob and Loretta and Welding Jun 16, 2023

Join the few, the proud, the jackals and support the podcast on Patreon! Every episode a week early and other fun stuff: http://patreon.com/372pages

The penultimate Artemis episode! Mike’s final attempt at Real or Fanfic has to compete with those red-hot references to Emily Post! Listener’s weigh in and there are Dumb Sentences of the Week.

ASSIGNMENT: Finish the damn book!

Episode 144 – Artemis Ep 3 – Rudy Explained, Kinda! Jun 01, 2023

Join the fun on Patreon, where last week we watched Forrest Gump together, Mike for the very first time! http://patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

In this episode:

-Spontaneous jackals bearing conspiracy theories

-Conor’s appearance on Jeopardy? Premonition?

-Insanely difficult Real or Fanfic

-Dumb Sentences of the Flexible Time Period

-And much more, including this general question for readers / listeners: are we supposed to like Jazz?!

READING ASSIGNMENT: Through chapter 14

[NOTE: Probably goes without saying, but our protagonist swears a good deal in this and we do quote her, fyi]

Episode 143 – Artemis Ep 2 – Sean Meets the Morals Brigade May 19, 2023

Support the podcast on Patreon! Because of you, Mike watched Forrest Gump for the first time this week!

There is nothing that could prepare you for the, ahem, choices Mr. Weir makes in these chapters so may as well dig in.

Though we will say Mike slightly improves his fortunes in Real or Fanfic.

Get the book here

ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 10

Episode 142 – Artemis Ep 1 – Mounties on the Moon May 04, 2023

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on patreon!

Get the book here

What if Garrett P. Serviss dictated a story to Ernest Cline? We think it would go a little something… like this. Plus a Dark Web appearance by a 372 favorite author and an extremely challenging Real or Fanfic!

NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 6.

Episode 141 – Book 24: Artemis Apr 18, 2023

Support the podcast on Patreon, where they’ve known about this new book for a week already! patreon.com/372pages

Alright, NOW it’s time for Book 24! This one did very well in our Patreon poll a few years ago, so we’re excited to finally tackle it. But first, Mike listens patiently while Conor rants about Goombas or something.

Get the book here

Assignment: Read thru Chapter 3

Episode 139 – Edison’s Conquest Ep 4 – Suddenly! Mar 24, 2023

Find out what our next book is going to be a week before everyone else! Join the 372 Patreon.

WOW! Really no words to describe the insane events in the final chapters of Edison’s Conquest of Mars, but we can attempt to sum it up with one syllable; Tom.

No Real or Fanfic here but as a bonus you’ll get Conor’s reimagining of this stone classic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXmShIyjJvg

Episode 138 – Edison’s Conquest Ep 3 – Zest and Interest! Mar 06, 2023

Support the Podcast on Patreon and hear all about the *first* arson Mike committed! Plus get every episode a week early and lots of other non-arson content: http://patreon.com/372pages

Martians, space battles, disintegrators, heat rays, murdered crows — the only thing missing from this story? Colonel Alonzo Jefferson Smith! Sylphan harp players! Compressed food, stolen and eaten with great care!

Also, Mike does pretty well at Real or FanFic, heh heh…

READING ASSIGNMENT finish the book!

Get the book here

Or download the free ebook here

Episode #137 – Edison’s Conquest Ep 2 – Australian Mine Owners! Feb 17, 2023

Support the Podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early and hear fun stuff like our pitches for Groundhog Day themed Cozy Mysteries!

Come for the Thrilling Story of an Encounter that Nearly Ended the Great Expedition. Stay for Mike’s Thrilling Performance in Real or Fanfic.

If you love the character of Tom. If you can’t get enough of Sylvanus P. Thompson. If Lord Kelvin makes you giggle with delight, you will love this episode.

Get the book here or download for free here.

Assignment: For next time read up to “A Tedious Language Lesson” in Chapter 13

Episode #136 – Edison’s Conquest Ep 1 – Serviss is Selling Feb 03, 2023

Support the podcast on Patreon and get every episode a week early and other fun stuff!

Our first reading of Garrett P. Serviss’ Edison’s Conquest of Mars is a real cracker jack, a tip-top lally-cooler!

Truly, an enjoyable book if for nothing more than the action movie quipping of Professor Sylvanus P. Thompson.

All the departments are here, as well as a description of Mike’s brother-in-law’s actual Edison cylinder mechanism! (Possible Patreon extra demonstration of it to come.)

Buy the book here or read for free online.

Reading assignment: Read up until “The Prisoner Teaches” in chapter 9

Episode #135 – Book #23 announcement Jan 18, 2023

Shake off your weighted blanket and put down that spoon you’re licking yogurt off the back of. It’s no longer cozy season, dammit! It’s time for Book 23 and we’ve got a listener recommendation that promises to be absolutely as uncozy as Christmas River was cozy. In fact, we’re not even certain Coziness had been invented when this book came out!

Here is gallery of images we discuss in this episode

Buy the book here or read for free online.

First assignment: Read thru Chapter 5

Episode #134 – Murder in Christmas River Ep. 3: Dehydrated Mummies Dec 23, 2022

Support the podcast on Patreon where you’ll get every episode a week early and hear our recaps of the two other cozy Christmas mysteries we read this December!

Our final reading Murder in Christmas River answers the deep, impenetrable puzzle at the heart of the book: How many people will show up to a cheesy tourist village the night after a massive three-foot snowstorm to view the judging of a gingerbread house competition? Turns out, a lot. Like, shoulder to shoulder to the point that the oddly bearded sheriff has almost no room to commit his wrongful arrests.

Will our hero Cinnamon Peters be convicted of a murder or will she simply bake more of those things we all talk about on a daily basis, those things that have no other name, cookie panels?

Conor and Mike wrap it up with all the departments sans Real or Fanfic of course, but as always, thank you to everyone and special thanks to Patreon supporters! Happy Holidays and many meat pies to all!

As discussed in the email section here is:

1. A horse doing its Sheriff Trumbow impression

2. Muldoon’s youtube channel

Episode #133 – Murder in Christmas River Ep. 2 – Old Man Things to Talk About Dec 09, 2022

Support the podcast on Patreon and hear all about the batshit crazy cozy mystery we read last week: patreon.com/372pages

Get the current book here: https://amzn.to/3Ura5W6

After 16 chapters we finally get a mystery! Who killed the fancy-dressing Gingerbread House judge who flew into town from Arizona? Sure, it’s a cliché as old as “The butler did it”, but we’re about to find out how they do things in Christmas River!

And the answer is apparently booze, and lots of it. Everyone in this book, from the rugged ex-cop to the adorkable pie baker, is just plastered all the time. During the brief moments of sobriety, will Cinnamon pull it together in time to solve the mystery? She will not, frankly, despite being named the primary suspect, she doesn’t even really seem to care. She’s too busy pining over teenage crushes and cattily insulting her former co-worker. AND WE ARE HERE FOR IT!

Loads of Christmas cheer (dogs with indigestion, meth, and potentially despondent tourists stepping in front of buses.) Plus a very tricky Real or Fanfic and video of drunk Ed McMahon, who would fit in quite well in Christmas River.

Assignment: Finish the damn book!

Episode 132 Murder in Christmas River – Ep 1 – Drunk Daniel Nov 23, 2022

Support the podcast on Patreon and get some EXTRA cozy this Christmas season! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book HERE (it’s free on Kindle Unlimited)

Well, Conor and Mike are back in Cozyville where they tick off the cozy cliches:

Sentient dog
Drunk, unpleasant, misanthropic grandfather
Horrible tourists
Money-grubbing shop owners
Platinum blonde pie shop workers who “date” every man in town
Handsome, divorced podiatrists who work for free
Horny young men who spill coffee on their horny selves
German doctors who prescribe Melba toast to their patients

You know, the same old routine.

Bonus: Mike does NOT do well at Real or Fanfic.

READING ASSIGNMENT: Through Chapter 30 for next time (chapters are very short!)

Episode 131 – Christmas River Murder Ep 1 – Announcement Nov 08, 2022

Our patreon supporters have been reading this book for a week already! Join in the fun at patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here (Free on Kindle Unlimited)

Super Constitution behind them, Mike and Conor look toward a future of cabins that have beds with way too many pillows on them, you know, where you go to sleep and have to spend five minutes figuring out where to pile the pillows so you don’t step on them and slip in the dark of night; like, so many pillows that you become angry and start questioning the need for any pillow at all, anywhere? And your significant other starts insisting you keep your voice down because the hosts are just one room away, so you stage whisper as you hold up a non-functional pillow that’s sheathed in a frilly covering, “I mean, what is the goal here? Whose life is made better by this?!” so eventually you manage to cram them in a closet and barely close it…
But! The next morning it snowed and you’re cozy and you have baking powder biscuits and fresh fruit and tea and you sit on cane-back chairs and eat yogurt from the back of a spoon!!!!!!!!! JUST COZY AS ALL #$%$(*&%!!!

Assignment: Read through Chapter 13

Episode 130 – Super Constitution Ep 5 – Welcome Back, Troika! Oct 21, 2022

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Get the book here

To quote the perpetually stoned kid who sawed his finger off in my high school Shop Class and had it surgically re-attached, writing in my year book, “What a long, strange trip it’s been!” Emphasis on the long. (Note to author: EDIT!!)

We wrap up our reading of the manifesto and as with all other readings find hidden delights among the endless monologues on tax rates and troop deployments.

Thanks to you all who read along, or didn’t but contributed Real or Fanfic, sent in Dumb Sentences or your emails, we appreciate it immensely!

On to the next book!

To submit dumb sentences and fanfic, or just get in touch, email us at 372pages@gmail.com or send us a patreon message!

Episode 129 – Super Constitution Ep 4 – Miss Sequoia, AOOOOgaaaa! Oct 07, 2022

Support the podcast on Patreon! Once we hit 1000 supporters, Mike will watch Forrest Gump for the first time as a live watchalong! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

Well, we’re one ep away from being done with Charles Kim’s ̶i̶n̶s̶a̶n̶e̶, u̶n̶h̶i̶n̶g̶e̶d̶ m̶a̶n̶i̶f̶e̶s̶t̶o̶ novel and one thing is becoming clear: unless you hold multiple degrees from Ivy League institutions he thinks you are human garbage and wants you dead.

Other things you’ll learn: there’s nothing that can’t be solved by throwing a cozy cocktail party. Always allow attendants at your meetings to bite ham and cheese sandwich (but only after the lunch hour, and only after consulting with U.S. President!!) And finally, if you’re a fan of people describing proposed military division numbers at great length, your ship has come in!

READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the ̶i̶n̶s̶a̶n̶e̶, u̶n̶h̶i̶n̶g̶e̶d̶ m̶a̶n̶i̶f̶e̶s̶t̶o̶ book!

Episode #128 – Super Constitution Ep 3 – Miss O’Hara’s Smiling Body Sep 23, 2022

See how our trip to the Mall of American Bubba Gump Shrimp Company went, only on the 372 Patreon! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

We’re deep into Super Constitution now and this is our chance to see how the sausage is made (HINT: it requires a killing ray).

Another big question is answered as Miss O’Hara makes a visual appearance and… spoiler alert, she’s hot. We’re talking Pepperidge Farm-guy hot!

Also, Mike’s Real or Fanfic score takes an adjustment, despite having a new theme song sent in by a listener.

NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read Articles 13 through 16, inclusive.

Episode #127 – Super Constitution Ep 2 – LONG MONOLOGUES!! Sep 01, 2022

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Get the book here

Well, after a rough start we’re back on track. Super Constitution was a little strange out of the gate but now it’s nothing more than a classic sci-fi nov– haha, I can’t finish that sentence. It is of course a baffling, shocking, hilarious stew of words that somehow manages to get weirder as it goes along!

You simply must read along.

AND you simply must hear Mike’s Real or Fanfic results…

Reading Assignment: Read through Article 12

Episode #126 – Super Constitution Ep 1 – Octopus Tentacles Aug 08, 2022

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Webster’s defines “insane” as THIS BOOK!

Find out how a book titled SUPER CONSTITUTION is hornier than The Mister, Susan Fletcher, and a Moon People date at Red Lobster combined. We’ll also meet (and then quickly abandon) a being from a galaxy 21 light years away, witness the most impressive Karate display be a five year old in history, and read a sentence that will insure you never look at an octopus the same way every again.

For next time read thru Chapter, er, we mean Article 8!

Episode #125 – Book 21: Super Constitution Jul 15, 2022

(This book may be a little hard to find because our Patreon supporters learned what it was a week ago and bought up all the copies. Join them so you don’t miss out in the future! patreon.com/372pages )

Get the book here

The podcast is now officially old enough to legally drink, if you are going by the number of books we’ve covered and not episodes, which would probably be the more accurate way of doing it. But that’s a good thing, because it might need a few to deal with this book!

We’re pleased to announce Book 21. We have no record of how it came to be recommended to us, so please let us know if it was you so we can tell who to blame. It sounds very promising and we’re excited to dive in.

ASSIGNMENT: Read through Article 4

Episode #124 – Gump & Co Ep 5 Jun 17, 2022

Come see us do our first LIVE PODCAST in three years, Friday 7/22 at Bryant Lake Bowl in Minneapolis! Details on our facebook and twitter pages.

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on patreon. Find out when live show tix are on sale, get every episode early, enter contests, and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

Sorry Mr. King, but Gump & Co comes to an end in this episode. Console yourself by interviewing Freedom Williams of C&C Music Factory. But not until you’ve listened to this episode, because there’s a ton going on!

Well, there’s mostly: A) oysters B) asses & shit C) escalating degrees of assin’ around. But there’s also a healthy does of real time word count padding in between beloved characters dying and or hitting their kids while speculating what type of underwear said kids are wearing.

Here’s the updated document with Real or Fanfic Statistics, courtesy of Lucas. And here’s the trailer for the Indian Gump remake.

Thanks for taking the GUMPANY journey with us, we’ll be back soon with another book to read together. And stay tuned RIGHT HERE for an exciting announcement about our first LIVE SHOW in three years…

Episode 123 – Gump & Co Ep 4 Jun 01, 2022

Support the podcast on Patreon, where you can watch Conor drink gross New Coke variants, hear Mike’s story teased in this ep, and so much more! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

We’re past the halfway point in Gump & Co., and in this episode, so much Gump, so much Co., so much ass!! Seriously, could there be anymore ass in this book?

All the departments are here, Real or Fanfic, Dumb Sentences, and Stealing Mail, and also thrill as Mike misses one of Groom’s dumb jokes in real time!

READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the damn book.

Episode #122 – Gump & Co. Ep 3 May 17, 2022

Support the podcast on Patreon, the only place to hear our Minneapolis live show and see our trip to the Mall of America Bubba Gump Shrimp Company!

Get the book here

Oh, come back lengthy, unending descriptions of New Coke! You are missed. We’ll put down here what might be discussed during this episode and let you decide whether it’s real or not:

Colonel Oliver North (a gimme), Hog farming,Methane Explosions, Mike’s Killer Performance in Real or Fanfic, The Bonus Army Riots, Jessica Hahn, John Wayne Gacy, The Solid Gold Dancers, Jay Leno’s Secret Prison Stint, Boxcar Willie, Senator Robert Byrd, David Icke, Dumb Sentences of the Week

Here is the link to Erin’s Forrest Gump Fanfic Index

Assignment: Read thru Chapter 10!

Episode #121 – Gump & Co. Ep 2 May 03, 2022

Our first full episode of diving into the Winston Groom book Gump & Co.

So much is uncovered here, including Mike’s grandmother’s encounter with Houdini, Conor’s visit with broadcasting legend Larry King, some Dumb Sentences and some Real or FanFic; during which Mike either does or does not repeat recent past triumphs!

Patreon supporter goals as outlined in this episode:

863: Conor tries one of Forrest’s New Coke “improvements”

873: Conor tries the other one

883: Mike goes to the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co in the Mall of America

Assignment: Read thru Chapter 7

Episode #120 – Book 20 – Gump & Co Apr 08, 2022

Our beloved Patreon supporters have already been reading this book for a week! Join the fun at http://patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

It’s time to announce our twentieth book, and there’s one question on everyone’s mind: will anyone be forced into a tree? Also, Mike & Conor do another round of Calibrate Your Tastes.

It’s time to start another crazy journey. We’re excited about this one! (Conor would like to state for the record that he realized about half an hour after recording this that his favorite poem is Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie. In fact, he probably listened to it at Dartmouth while watching the WinAmp visualizer on The Slap Trip)

Assignment: The first 3 chapters

Episode #119 – Antigua Ep 7 – Eagle Man! Mar 23, 2022

Support the podcast on Patreon and be the first to find out what the next book is! patreon.com/372pages

Weeks ago, when we wandered out of the trees and mountains of the plains of Antigua and hopped on that unicorn’s back, we never could have imagined the places she’d take us. Or the sheer, unbelievable, immense number of characters we’d meet along the way.

So this, our last episode of Antigua: The Land of Fairies Wizards and Heroes is a bittersweet one. We can only hope a Head Centaur blows dust on the writing ambitions of Larry and Denise to revive them and they finish volume 2!

Episode #118 – Antigua Ep 6 – Teens! Mar 09, 2022

Support the 372 Patreon! Bonus Real or Fanfics, classical minis, other weirder stuff! patreon.com/372pages

“Displace one note and there would be diminishment, displace one phrase and the structure would fall.” Salieri on Mozart but it could easily have been spoken by Conor or me about the Ellis’ classic book, Antigua: The Land of Fairies Wizard and Heroes.

We won’t spoil anything but simply point out that we have a classic Real or Fanfic, some of the best Dumb Sentences EVER and an amazing letter from a listener.

For next time, like Bilbo… FINISH THE BOOK!

Episode #117 – Antigua Ep 5 – Animal Collective Feb 11, 2022

Support the Podcast on Patreon to get fun stuff like a Meet The Authors with Bill Corbett, Conor’s breakdown of an iconic hip-hop sample, and every episode early! patreon.com/372pages

Just a few of the animals mentioned in this episode’s reading: dogs, cats, cows, roosters, chickens, pigs, goats, horses, cattle, foxes, squirrel monkeys who make all kinds of noises, a TALKING GORILLA, HIS HYSTERICAL WIFE AND THEIR BABY.

Guess, just guess which of these is by far the most interesting animal.

There is of course Real or Fanfic, a dive to the Dark Web, Dumb Sentences and some really great emails and maps from listeners, not to mention some very, ahem, interesting background concerning our authors…

READING ASSIGNMENT: Because we are reading an eBook without chapters, please read through this sentence: “The Sorceress Gwendeviere’s army of goblins, trolls and black panthers continued to advance toward the army of King Aurthorr, King Thomasson and King Arlexjandrio.” [Note: the PDF, i.e., eBook is CANON but for reference it would mean starting at Chap 12 and reading through Chap 14 in a hard copy]

Here’s a gallery of the visual aides mentioned in this ep!

Episode #116 – Antigua Ep 4 – Holograms Jan 28, 2022

Support the podcast on Patreon and see what you’re missing! It’s the only place to hear Mike’s amazing bonus real or fanfic! http://patreon.com/372pages

You know how when a friend says, “You have to see this video!” and then thrusts his phone in your face and stands awkwardly watching your expression as you watch a video of a guy shooting a Roman candle into his dad’s crotch and you have to pretend to think it’s funny? Well, we insist you read this book. Here – here’s the book, read it and we’ll sit here and look at you while you do.

Seriously, it’s that bananas.

This episode may be on the long side but spend two minutes listening and you can just hear the joy in our voices as we dig into the world of sarcastic cats, and mucus that looks like snot, and princesses who are very good friends with Great Wizards, and on and on. Yes, we have Dumb Sentences and Real or Fanfic and we Steal Mail and we visit the Dark Web and a listener sends in her Fun in Balloonland mash-up, but even all that can’t express the utter insanity of this book!

Here’s the gallery of Antigua flags that listener Stephen made.

ASSIGNMENT FOR NEXT TIME: Read through the point you get to this sentence: “Jonathan said, “You’re right William! The wizards do not need to know that this is an actual battle! Tonight we will finally know who the better wizard is!” The Wizard Apprentice Jonathan walked away in anger. (We’re reading the ebook that has no chapter breaks, in case you are just joining us.)

Episode 115 – Antigua Ep 3 – Timothy! Jan 18, 2022

Support us on Patreon! It’s the only place to hear the legendary Bonus Real or Fanfic we did in between episodes! patreon.com/372pages

A jam-packed episode for which we will not apologize: there are roughly 8300 characters mentioned in this reading alone. And we barely touch on the Great Wizard Agnessa!

We’ve got fairies, fairiettes, pixies, mini-wads, Wizard Apprentices, retiring Wizards, sorceresses, man-sized spiders, holograms, spinning hats and… komodo dragons! And the mysterious, suddenly-appearing Timothy. (Don’t even get me started on Benjamin and Leonard!)

Plus all the departments, including a tonne (for you people from Britain OR England) of Sonic Challenges.

Assignment: Read through chapter 9, it ends with this passage: ” My bad! Please, by all means continue tormenting the inhabitants of the Land of Antigua as much as you like!”

Bonus: If you have a quick half an hour you’ll appreciate the opening theme song to Lidsville

Episode 114 – Antigua Ep 2 – Beautiful Horses Jan 04, 2022

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Please join them so we can have enough supporters to outnumber the centaurs in this book. patreon.com/372pages

This book is amazing! It’s an amazing book! Conor, 40 years-old, yelled to Mike, who was made of human parts, “I can’t believe how amazing this book is!” They then both galloped over to their special sticks* and said words into them about the book!

*microphones!

Assignment: Read up until the thrilling, dramatic sentence “He then finished doing all of his chores.” This is the end of Chapter 5 in the paperback version. We will include Chapter 3, which we did not have time for this time, in the next episode.

Episode 113 – Book 19 – Antigua Ep. 1 Dec 10, 2021

Conor challenges Mike with a quiz (he does poorly) and then the new book is announced!

EDIT: Well this should be interesting. The kindle (CANON) version does not have chapter breaks. We will read until Location 737, ending at the sentence “The rulers of the easternmost province were King Arlexjandrio and Queen Gwyndeth.”

This is through Chapter 3 in the NON-CANON paperback version. Mike will weigh in on the hardcover when he gets it.

Here is Zach’s cozy parody book as mentioned in the podcast!

Episode 112 – Irene Iddsleigh Ep 3 – HAWKES! (The Gardener) Nov 26, 2021

Our Patreon listeners are our favorite listeners! Join them at patreon.com/372pages and be the first to learn what book we’re doing next

Wow, there’s no way around it, we unabashedly loved the places this book went! (If you don’t agree with us please contact our solicitors, Messrs. Hutchinson and Harper. If you find no relief and require medical assistance please get in touch with the eminent physicians Doctors Killen, Crombie and Smiley and they will cable for medicine from London [please allow six weeks for delivery]).

Episode 111 – Irene Iddesleigh #2 Nov 12, 2021

Support the podcast on Patreon, and hear all about Mike’s Time Advocate theory! patreon.com/372pages

Just when you thought Irene Iddesleigh was just going to be kind of old-timey funny, the type of funny that would cause Samuel Clemens to sort of let out a little laugh through his nose, it goes completely bananas off-the-rails insane!! Beheaded ancestors, murder rooms, cocoanut matte carpeting, grim gore, hair-raising escapes led by loyal maids, the firing of Rachel Hyde and Tom Hepworth, trips to Dobb’s Ferry.

Trust us, it’s deranged.

Oh, and there’s Real or Fanfic, Mail, and Dumb Sentences.

Play Erin’s Escape Probability game here.

Episode 110 – Irene Iddesleigh #1 Oct 29, 2021

Join the 372 Pages Patreon and get early access to every new episode! Patreon.com/372pages

This book was a surprise, packed with hidden delights. So too this episode including

-A brand new department: Appreciate Mark Twain

-Several dives to the Dark Web

-More than one improv regarding Sir John’s locked rooms

-Dumb Sentences

-A stunning Real or Fanfic

READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter 14!

Episode 109 – Book 18: Irene Iddlesleigh Oct 15, 2021

Our patreon supporters have known about this book for a week already and are already sending in their dumb sentences! Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages

Join us for our 18th book: Irene Iddlesleigh by Amanda Mckittrick Ros. That is, if the Red Cross doesn’t abduct Conor before then.

For our first episode we’ll be reading through Chapter 9. The book can be downloaded for free here or bought on amazon here.

Episode 108 – Modelland Extra – Acknowledgments, aka Library Fudge Oct 08, 2021

**Please note that the giveaway mentioned in this ep has obviously already ended**

Be the first to find out what our next book is! Support the podcast on Patreon and get early access to every ep and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Reading a 563 Tyra Banks book just wasn’t enough. Listeners insisted we read and report back on her six pages of acknowledgments!

Many exotic locations are thanked, as are bodies of water, buildings, food items, museum stores, the occasional co-writer or agent; and one of the actors who played Batman (who isn’t Jason O’Mara, Kevin McKidd, Julian Fletcher, Adam West, Ben Affleck, Will Arnett, Peter Weller, Ben McKenzie, Bruce Greenwood, Ron Perlman, Christian Bale, Val Kilmer, Kevin Conroy or Michael Keaton.)

Episode 107 – Modelland Ep 7 – O’Neil Rises Sep 24, 2021

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on our Patreon! http://patreon.com/372pages

O’Neil of course does not rise.

But this is Modelland’s final episode. Per our stunt Mike did not read it so it’s all in the capable hands of Conor, who, for the first time gets to read a passage to the poor bedraggled “little girl”! Loose ends are sort of acknowledged, the body horror ramps up and despite no Real or Fanfic there are Dumb Sentences and some really good Stolen Mail.

Patreon people, stay tuned for bonus eps possibly involving Tyra’s acknowledgments, Conor’s SmizeCream eating party with three year-olds and the reveal of our next book. http://patreon.com/372pages

Episode 106 – Modelland Ep 6 – Human Leg Giraffe Sep 03, 2021

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Mike catches Conor up on the the plot, which involves a lot of filth, sores, blood, detached limbs, wounds and severed torsos. In other words, just another Tuesday at Modelland!

As this is a Very Special Episode, we’d love your opinion on whether or not we should match it for the final episode of Modelland (we will of course return to form for the next book!)

Episode 105 – Modelland Ep 5 – SHOCKING NEWS! Aug 20, 2021

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early plus other fun stuff: patreon.com/372pages

Our longest episode yet – making it, clearly, our best.

We’ll check in on a loving father reading his beloved daughter a bed time story. Conor breaks out the Pocket Operators to recreate one of the BellaDonna’s songs. And a shocking admission from Mike and a HUGE announcement coming up! By coin toss Mike OR Conor will do the next reading SOLO!

Next Assignment: Read through chapter 40!

Episode 104 – Modelland Ep 4 – O’Neil Aug 03, 2021

Thank you to our Patreon supporters who keep the podcast going and have had access to this episode for a week already! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

The underutilization of O’Neil is downright criminal: as though A Confederacy of Dunces just mentioned Ignatius J. Reilly and then moved on.

Still, plenty of good stuff in the episode, including a detailed look at Bravo, some disturbing “hot for teacher” vibes from Chaste over the half-bald troll-man, and an amazingly over-long chapter in the Magnetosphere.

Reference alert: Timer the cheese mascot, Snorks, Paul Anka’s shirt rant, and many more. In other words none from the current decade let alone the last.

NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read through Chapter 32

Episode 103 – Modelland Ep 3 – AUGH SORRY SO SO SORRY SORRY Jul 19, 2021

Support the podcast with a few bucks on Patreon. Get every episode early, Meet The Authors segments, interviews with Lauren and Bridget, contests, and more! patreon.com/372pages

A testament to how weird this book has become: A “sloppy, love-filled reunion hug” is the most normal thing that happens in this episode’s reading.

The Cronenbergian body-horror levels are off the charts but Conor and Mike comfort themselves with the euphonic Modelland Anthem, some Real or Fanfic and a nice dose of Dumb Sentences.

Plus, Conor lays down the law on mispronunciations!

ASSIGNMENT: For next time, read through chapter 25.

Episode 102 – Modelland Ep 2 – Goggle Eyes & Long Fingers Jun 24, 2021

Please support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early, access to our Discord, and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Conor and Mike wade into the fever dream like madness that is Tyra Banks’ Modelland but not before Mike gets his comeuppance on an issue of pronunciation.

And since no Dark Web recreators could possibly capture the insanity we’re left with lots of Sonic Challenges, tons of Dumb Sentences, top notch letters from listeners, and a pretty good turn from Mike in Real or Fanfic!

Next assignment: Read through Chap 20

Episode 101 – Modelland Ep 1 – Einfach was für ein Loonerherz Jun 09, 2021

Join the 372 Patreon to get every episode early and other fun exclusive stuff! http://patreon.com/372pages

Mike and Conor quickly discover that Tyra Banks’ only novel is Cr8Zee! (Cr8Zee is pronounced “crazeee” because the “t” sound at the end of “8” is silent and the two “ee”s at the end are pronounced like three “eee”s.)

They soon discover parallels to authors Pappy Pariah, Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, Dan Brown, Ernest Cline and others.

All the departments are here: Conor borderline cheats at Real or Fanfic, Dumb Sentences are unearthed, and our loyal listeners send in some truly astonishing facts when we Steal People’s Mail.

For next time, read thru Chapter 14!

Episode 100 – We Announce our 17th Book! May 24, 2021

A famous person wrote a book so it would be rude of us not to read and discuss this person’s work. Also: 100 episodes!!!

First assignment: Read through chapter 6

Episode 99 – Quilters Ep 3 – Goodbye, Cozyverse! May 06, 2021

By the first to find out what we’re reading next by joining the 372 Patreon! Lots of other great exclusive posts and events as well! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here!

It’s with wet eyes that we bid farewell to the land of wrongly timed barbecue, snippy and/or flirty waitresses, violent drug-pushing teacher/furniture store managers, open bathrobes, four star generals, evil interstates and very occasionally, some quilting.

In this episode, the shockingly violent yet cozy story of Bigelow Cozy Chamomile tea! Conor imitates a cat no fewer than four times and sings Van Morrison in the voice of Handsome Gabe. Mike hires the 372 Players at great cost but with tremendous results, and of course Dumb Sentences and some Listener Mail.

Now let’s bid goodbye to everyone by name.

So long, Miranda/ Mandy/ (Narrator)

Gabe (Her Fiance)

Kevin (Gabe’s son)

Terry (Kevin’s Fiance)

Zoey (Narrator’s daughter)

Barbara Franklin (zoey’s thesis advisor)

James Franklin (Barbara’s husband)

Michael (Zoey’s Fiance)

Edgar Pendleton (Hotel Manager, Kevin’s boss)

Rita Pendtleton (Kevin’s boss’s wife)

Jill (Terry’s college roommate)

Susan (Kevin’s Mother, Gabe’s Ex-Wife)

Richard (Susan’s new husband)

Dianne / Dee (Mandy’s BFF)

Harry (her cat)

Sylvia (Diner owner)

Ellie (employee at diner)

Charlie (Sylvia’s husband)

Devon

Lindsay

Ethan

Gwen

Mark Murphy (Diane’s patient reliable husband)

Christopher Abbot (Pastor)

Lucy (related to Adam, below)

Adam McKutcheon

Jeff

William

Janie

Trixie Belden (Author of mysteries)

Martin (drug dealer)

Jenny (his girlfriend)

Tom Gibbons (Gabe’s FBI friend)

The McMillan family, Peter,

Irene McMillan

and Macy McMillan.

James (Print shop worker)

Queenie (Quilting leader)

Brittany (quilting group)

John (Brittany’s husband)

Daniel Bartell (Queenies husband?)

Emily (Queenie’s daughter?)

Jack (Queenie’s son?)

Harriet Moore (Quilting group)

Sarah Moore (Harriet’s twin sister)

Shelby (a donut shop employee the twins take care of)

Judy Smythin (quilting group) (cousin of Taylor perryman?)

Tommy (Judy’s son?)

Jessie (Jud’s daughter?)

Julie Sorenson (Tommy Smythin’s girlfriend)

Taylor (goes w/Noelle below)

Noelle (unknown)

Max Ryan Sr. (unknown)

Lizzie (an employee at the Tavern?)

Smith (the drug dealer?)

Carmen Roselli (Rival drug dealer)

Betty Hiedel (Hospital receptionist)

Gloria (ER Worker)

Sami (hospital worker)

Archie { Jenny’s dad?}

Janet (Jenny’s mom)

Dr. Walker

Erma (friend of Sara Moore’s)

John Morton (the youngest Morton boy)

Jake Perryman, the late chief of police of Cutler

Taylor Perryman, widow of Jake

Taylor Perryman’s brother

Taylor Perryman’s adopted baby

Chief Jimmy Hayes

Ron Mitchell (patrolmen)

Joey Traxler (Patrolman)

John Gustafson (Gus, new Cutler cop)

Dominic DeAngelo (drug task force)

Jim Marshall (insurance agent)

Ellen Baker, the school superintendent

Mr. Jones “The Boss”

Baldie (someone in the drug ring, real name Kevin Hoiste)

Steve Kroft (parole officer for Max Ryan Jr)

Judge McCallister

Jeff Huntley

Max Ryan Jr Juvenile offender, works at an oil and lube joint.

Dan Mayers (writer at The Chronicle)

Penny Lehman (third victim)

Braxton Jonathan Bartlett (Brittany the Quilter’s son)

Sandy Tressler, mayor

Chris Walker Chief of Staff of the Community Hospital

Andy Perretta (PTSD victim)

Maria Perretta (andy’s wife)

The Perretta boy (no name)

Eve Grant (school principal)

Joe Herman (retired principal)

Vinnie Grath (wine shop owner)

Wilma Wilson (B&B owner in Canadensis)

Joshua (the twins’ brother)

barbara huntley (lucy’s mother)

reese hershey (Max Jr.s alias)

Butchie (bar owner)

Grace ?????????????????????????????????

We’ll miss each and every one of you!

Episode 98 – Quilters Ep 2 – Big Baby Braxton Apr 20, 2021

Join the fun in the 372 Patreon! Last week we all relived Conor’s humiliating Jeopardy loss together. Plus every episode early, contests, and other bonus stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here!

The number of characters continues to rise along with the body count, as the Quilters’ anti-drug battle (aka putting up a modest number of posters) rages on! Outside of blowing up the interstate off-ramp, is there any way to stop the menace of X-Bars?? Plus we’ll examine the tragic end of Cutler, PA’s former police chief and get to meet a huge new baby.

For next time, finish the damn book!

Episode 97 – Quilters Ep 1 – A Small, Intimate Podcast Apr 05, 2021

Join us on Patreon to get every episode early and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here!

Ah, the Clinian Cloud has lifted and the 372 Pages studio is cozy and smells of pork, sauerkraut, beef stew and cake – lots of cake!

Conor dives to the dark web, Mike tries his hand at the brand new Real or Fanfic and there’s a surfeit of Dumb Sentences! Please share this podcast with any member of the McMillan family except Macy!!

For next time read through Chapter 21

Episode 96 – Book 16: The Quilters Push Back Mar 23, 2021

Get the book here!

The task: announce book number sixteen. Forty-seven minutes later the job is done! Why? Because Conor and Mike are incredibly enthusiastic about the new title. I mean, one of our favorite “Real or FanFics” before we even crack the book open?!

This is going to be great!

Here’s a link to the book. For the first ep, we’re reading through Chapter 10

Ep 95 – Ready Player 2 – Suddenly, and Without Warning, We Finished the Book Feb 26, 2021

Learn the next book before anyone else! Join the fun on the 372 Patreon. Bonus eps, Meet the Authors, Discord, and more! patreon.com/372pages

An epic podcast! Mike and Conor discuss the deep philosophical implications of Van Hagar, of avatars putting on haptic suits, of the personification of the collective intelligence of all humanity saying things like, “You’re not gonna win, doofus!”

Cline was always in way over his head (from the second he thought to himself, “Hey, I should write a book”, of course), but when he moves away from listing his favorite video games and 80s songs into the realm of gigantic action scenes and the notions of what it means to be human, um, it doesn’t go well.

Coming soon — what’s the next book?!

Episode 94 – Ready Player 2 – Apparently, We Were Surprised to Find Ourselves Still Reading This Feb 09, 2021

Join the fun on Patreon for bonus Real or Fanfic, improv with special guests, and surprisingly, earnest analysis of classical music! patreon.com/372pages

If you had taken a second mortgage on your home and placed the entire sum on a Vegas bet that “nothing in this book could possibly be worse than the chapters spent on the John Hughes planet” I am sorry and I hope you can find another home. Because the chapters on the Prince and Silmarillion planets are not only worse, they are the worst things ever created by humankind, and that includes all of our wars and the invention of hot pincer-based torture.

Conor takes on the Real or Fanfic challenge, we read some mail, and discover some very very dumb sentences.

For next time: FINISH THE DAMN BOOK!

Ep 93 – Ready Player 2 – Rolling our Locked Wide Eyes Jan 25, 2021

Ernest Cline’s runaway best seller continues to disgust and annoy us, even as it approaches the home stretch. In this episode we wrap up the seemingly endless John Hughes quest by meeting an actual John Hughes NPC (not actually John Hughes). Then we’re off to Halcydonia, where we all try to pretend that Zoobilee Zoo wasn’t a terrifying TV show. Then it’s off to the Prince Planet, where our characters alternate between weeping about their abusive childhoods and trying to go hump things at virtual strip clubs. It’s just great.

All this plus the long-awaited merging of the High Five and the Low Five, Fanfic or Real, and Dumb Dumb Dumb Sentences.

Support the podcast on Patreon and get early access to every episode plus other fun bonus stuff you’ll only find there! patreon.com/372pages

For next time, read thru Chapter 26. And yeah, Conor’s audio is a bit lower fidelity than it should be, he was recording on a remote rig that was only a heckuva a rig, not a hell of a. It will be fixed going forward.

Episode 92 – Ready Player 2 – Is It GameFAQs? Or a John Hughes Geocities Fan Page? It’s Both!! Jan 12, 2021

Support the podcast on Patreon and get access to early episodes, bonus materials, contests and more! Patreon.com/372pages

Conor states with confidence that this episode contains a chapter that is the dumbest and therefore the greatest of any that has been covered by 372 Pages!

The editor has taken her hand off the tiller and what we’re getting now is pure, uncut Cline. That means level-by-level coverage of a video game, stupid-by-stupid vignettes of classic 80s movies like Heat and Curly Sue and, just for fun, a fuel bomb explosion that slaughters dozens of innocents in a city park. But, hey – Samantha has an Annie Potts avatar!

All the departments as well as archival audio of Agatha Christie and a Dark Web gem that Conor found over Christmas while avoiding his family.

READING ASSIGNMENT FOR NEXT TIME: Through chapter 21.

Episode 91: Ready Player 2 – A Constant Loop of Push It Dec 21, 2020

After countless pages of Worldbuilding and freeing child slaves when our hero felt like it, Ernest Cline finally lets some things happen in this section. The action kicks off when a Gunter and a Sharter listen to a Morissey song in silence and it doesn’t let up from there! By the time we’re done, there’s been a kidnapping, a shareholder’s meeting, and the rollout of a new firmware update. Also, Cline introduces his most annoying tic yet: telling us information again that he just told us. And by the time we’re done with this section, there’s been a kidnapping, a shareholder’s meeting, and the rollout of a new firmware update.

All this plus Real or Fanfic, Emails, and Dumb Sentences.

Check out our Patreon for a bonus Real or Fanfic as well as some fun stuff next week: patreon.com/372pages

For next time: read thru Chapter 16

Episode 90 – Ready Player 2: Bouncin’ and Blazin’ Dec 08, 2020

Don’t miss out on participating in the read along! Join the 372 Patreon and get early access to episodes, as well as a BONUS Real or Fanfic we did this week! patreon.com/372pages
So much to cover:

Conor is shocked at Cline’s revelation that there may be a downside to the internet

Conor is shocked at Cline’s revelation that gigantic media conglomerates may not have his best interest at heart

Mike is delighted when Cline teaches him that social media allows people to share “memes, files, photos and songs”

There’s a gigantic space ark: but what are its data storage needs?
All this plus Real or FanFic, Listener Mail, and the revelation that The 372 Players live in a closet!

READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish Chap 9

Episode 89 – Ready Player Two – Sharters and Gunters Nov 26, 2020

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Ready Player Two? Let me ask that again; Ready Player Two?! I don’t think you are!! But Conor and Mike are ready. Having only an evening to read the first few chapters, here are some questions addressed: Did you have “faint numbness” with your previous rig? Solved! Could you feel “tiny craters of pulp” beneath your fingers when you crushed an apple with previous rigs? Solved! Were all your previous efforts in the Oasis “senseless pantomimes”? Yes, of course they were, you Sharter!

NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter four.

Episode 88 – James “The Tracker” Trackerathorn III Nov 17, 2020

Yes, this may be the final episode of Midnight Sun but Alice has looked into the future and Mike and Conor are still reading it in every possibility but this one.

We won’t spoil anything about the episode itself but stay tuned to the very end and help us (and 372 listener Josh who sent it in) solve the deep mystery of the shared / unshared lasagna in the greater Twilight universe…

Join us for our next book, Ready Player Two! Our patreon supporters get access to the newest episodes before anyone else, so join the fun! patreon.com/372pages

Episode 87 – MAJOR UPDATE ON PHIL!! Nov 03, 2020

Phil hears from an assistant coach of the Sidewinders that there may be a backup shortstop position opening up! So Renee and he may drive back to Phoenix!!!!!!!!

Also, the tireless and cunning James the Tracker is making plans to watch his collection of VHS tapes in a room with a gold chair rail once he lands his Piper Cub at Chandler Municipal Airport.

Thanks to EVERYONE who supports the podcast on Patreon! If you want first access to our upcoming coverage of READY PLAYER TWO, just $5 a month gets you every episode early, plus access to our entire archive of weird bonus stuff! patreon.com/372pages

So a lot going on, people. In addition to all of that Conor rediscovers the James Earl Jones speech from Field of Dreams and makes his own audiobook really drilling down on Edward’s awareness of his own black soul.

Plus mail and dumb sentences. For next time, finish the damn book!

Episode 86 – Charlie says, “Huh…” Oct 20, 2020

How em dash HOW em dash is this book not about Charlie hauling in a world record white perch, or at the very least the story of him getting a treble hook buried into his thigh? Why not page after page of Carlisle being tutored in Courtly Italian by some foppish vampire with a high starched collar?!

Nope. What we get is page after impossibly long page of Bella slurping down Toastee-Os while Edward tortures himself wondering whether her using the big spoon means that she hates him.

Join us on Patreon, where there are currently 275 exclusives posts you can get access to with a monthly contribution to support the podcast! Thanks to everyone who already chips in! patreon.com/372pages

But it does lead to a fairly strong showing by Conor in Real or Fanfic, the Dumb Sentences flow and we share some harrowing tales by listeners.

For next time read thru Chapter 24!

**Episode 85 – Throbbing Wetly** Oct 06, 2020
Twilight but as told from the vampire’s point of view, continues to be a collection of words strung together in mostly coherent fashion, with occasional digressions to count thousands of insects. There you go, Little Brown, you can use that as a quote on the cover of the paperback.

We hit the halfway mark during this episode and Mike and Conor found much to discuss. The role of Gordon Bombay in the Twilight-verse, the logic of taking the world’s biggest klutz hiking, and Mike Newton’s quest for the good leads are all addressed. Plus a visit to the dark web and Mike (Nelson, not Newton)’s attempt to convince Conor that Real or Fanfic is actually much harder than it looks.

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! We would not do it without them! Get every episode before anybody else, and more fun stuff at patreon.com/372pages

For next time read thru Chapter 20! We’ll post the Midnight Sun meme contest soon, so get ready!

UPDATE: As requested in this ep, cartoonist Bob Fingerman drew his rendition of the “aggressively, forcefully female” vampire Siobahn

Episode 84 – RIP Orlando Calderas Wallace Sep 24, 2020

If you like Cline-ian pop culture lists you are in for a treat! In this episode Mike and Conor break down Bella’s likes / dislikes, turn-ons / turn-offs, preferences for types of flowers / er, preferring not to encounter other types of flowers, etc.

Conor again dives to the dark web to widen our understanding of Edward’s movie tastes, while Mike takes out a very dangerous short term loan from Russian mobsters to hire the 372 Players.

This free feed is one way to get the podcast, but the Patreon feed is the cool way. Get every episode early, plus bonus eps and other nonsense! Support us for less than a third of the cost of a Ready Player Two preorder! patreon.com/372pages

Also, many MANY Sonic Challenges. So many you’ll blush like you were Bella, your jaw will lock like Edward and you’ll have pretty dumb thoughts like Charlie.

READING ASSIGNMENT for next time: Through Chapter 17

Episode 83 – Lanny Sep 04, 2020

Yes, we talk about things other than Lanny. But we don’t want to!

You’ll all be thrilled to learn that Mike drained the budget to reunite the 372 Players, that Mike scores, um, pretty, pretty well on the Real or Fanfic challenge. There’s tons of Dumb Sentences and Conor dives to the dark web.

But let’s not bury the lead here (no, not lede, let’s not go there) there’s a mid-episode mishap that is nothing short of spectacular [we included it at the end of an exhaustive ep. Hint, Mike is still cleaning it up and it will be many more weeks].

Join us on Patreon, where our supporters have been basking in Lanny’s glow all week long sing they get early access to every episode! patreon.com/372pages

For next time read thru Chapter 13!

Episode 82 – The Comedy Stylings of Emmett Aug 21, 2020

So many words, so many of them “monster”!

A jam-packed episode:

Conor sails through several Sonic Challenges
Mike, ahem, sails through Real or Fanfic
Our listeners mail in and we steal it
Believe it or not there are plenty of Dumb Sentences.
There are GOFFS! (get it?)

Special thanks to our patreon supporters! Get every episode early and other great bonus stuff not available anywhere else! patreon.com/372pages For next time read through Chapter 9: Hey, we gotta get through this people.

Episode 81 – Book 14 Aug 07, 2020

Let’s read another terrible book! But first, a story (By listener request!) about the time Mike inherited a house. It does not go well.

This should be a fun one, let’s start by reading through Chapter 4!

Episode 80 – ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!11” We shooted Jul 24, 2020

Mike and Conor try to make sense of this madness. They come up empty.

Still, there are highlights: Conor does a sonic challenge sexily. Mike manages not to follow a single plot point. The Dumb Sentences of the Week burst forth like milk and honey from the promised land. (Dumb despite the great work from Raven and Medusa!)

PLUS This ep compares our author’s work to:

James Joyce
The Bible
The Tempest
David Foster Wallace
Gone with the Wind
Anthony Wiener

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CONTENT WARNING: This fanfic contains descriptions of self-harm as well as very salty language and adult situations. We pass over them lightly as always but forewarned is forearmed.

Episode 79 – Conor Unveils His Superpower Jul 11, 2020

Conor is able to somehow follow the plot of My Immortal! A power that comes in handy when having to explain it to Mike who views it as somewhat more abstruse than the Voynich manuscript.

A packed if mercifully briefer episode than last time we steal mail (including some amazing mash-ups by our listeners), Mike fails spectacularly at Real Fanfic or Fake Fanfic, Conor dives to the dark web once again.

Oh, and the Sonic Challenges are among the best.

Join us on Patreon to get every episode in early, get tons of additional audio, enter contests, and more! patreon.com/372pages

READING ASSIGNMENT FOR NEXT TIME: Finish this collection of typed symbols.

Episode 78 – My Immortal Jun 30, 2020

The artists/works to which we compare this 2006 fanfic include:

Shakespeare, several times
Dickens
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Bible
Thelonius Monk
And more!

Conor unveils his Cockney <?> accent, and it is QUITE something.

Also, we open with an audio recording of one of the first meetings between Mike and Conor and it turns out to be shockingly prescient!

Reading Assignment for next time: Read through chapter 35.

Join us on Patreon where you get every episode early and other fun bonus stuff! patreon.com/372pages

NOTE: General content warning for this book as it contains everything you’d expect from internet fanfic circa 2006 as well as some scenes of self harm.

Book 13 Announcement Jun 22, 2020

We’re doing a new book, and if you listen to this, you can learn what it is! Just don’t email about the giveaway, the winners have already been announced on Patreon.

Here is the free ebook and here is a link to the amazon version.

Episode 77 – Man. Silhouette. LEGEND. Jun 03, 2020

The Irishman is envious of the length of this podcast. But there was so much to talk about!

While Susan sits dazed, stupefied, sooty, unsure of where she is, what she’s doing, how math works, and whether or not she’ll ever get to Stone Manor, the revolting men around her solve the problems posed by E. Tankado.

Join us on Patreon to get every episode early plus a lot of extra nonsense! Find out our next book before everyone else. Patreon.com/372pages

A lot of Dumb Sentences, a LOT of technicians yelling, and Conor dives to the Dark Web to find a recreation that will hit you like a bullet to Jabba’s gut.

Ep 76 – The Sad End of Rafael de la Maza May 26, 2020

The Brownisms are coming fast and furious now, like chapters in a Dan Brown book!

Conor does Real or Fanfic, we Steal People’s Mail, there are Dumb Sentences galore and Mike discovers the original ending of The Fugitive!

And we meet a ninety-pound live wire!

Join us on Patreon to get every episode early, plus bonus eps, Meet the Authors segments, contests and more! patreon.com/372pages

**Episode 75 – Cuz My Beeper Kept Beepin’** May 13, 2020
Looking for good writing in a Dan Brown book is a lot like looking for a sock in a bedroom the size of Texas while sewage spews forth out of a crystal decanter. And this section of DIGITAL FORTRESS is no exception.

As the book theoretically reaches the stage where it will have a point, questions still remain such as: Who should we trust, Hale or Strathmore? Do earrings count as needles? Does Genius mean the same thing to Dan Brown as it does the rest of us? How many times can our hosts use the word “Pubis”?

Our Patreon supporters get every episode early, plus access to bonus recordings and contests! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

Pour yourself a silent mug of Guatemalan java and enjoy our latest episode. For next time read thru Chapter 100.

(Bob Fingerman’s Midge cartoon)

Episode 74 – Chapters! We Got Yer Chapters! May 05, 2020

Victor Hugo just texted Dan Brown, “Dude, back it down on the chapters, man! It’s not a contest.” Tolstoy throws in a, “Yeah, cut it out, man.”

Yes, the sparse words continue to spill out on the increasing number of pages of Dan Brown’s “Digital Fortress” so Conor and Mike can only counter it with more of their words.

All the departments are here: Mike makes an attempt at Real or Fanfic. Conor combed the Dark Web and found something other than a rig. Jabba pounds a few damp calzones.

And folks, I can’t keep the news from you anymore — I’m sorry… Two-Tone is dead.

I’ll hold a respectful silence while you insert your own Darth Vader-esque “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”‘s….

Join us on Patreon for Quarantine Minis, early access to every episode, and the Meme Contest we’re currently running! patreon.com/372pages

NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read chapters 61 through 80!! (Double exclamation points intentional).

EDIT: Here’s the Gary Gulman standup we referenced https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLECCmKnrys

Episode 73 – Enter Halite Apr 21, 2020

This episode begins with the introduction of possibly the greatest character in the history of the podcast (apologies to Bleriana, Jack Star, and the Robot Pimp) Greg Hale. He enters like a bull, in all his ogling, olive oil swigging, convicted murderer glory.

From there we’ll move on to international intrigue, tired stereotypes, Idiot Switch theories, mediocre escort salesmen, and deceptive cities. And speaking of Deceptive, there’s this week’s Real or Fanfic!

Join us on Patreon for Quarantine Minis, early access to every episode, contests and more! patreon.com/372pages

For next week, read thru Chapter 60. Hopefully we get to Midge and/or Jabba by that point.

Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo Apr 13, 2020

Man, so much to talk about and so so much is talked about!!*

Highlights: A withered naked old woman struggles with a bedpan. The smell of urine is in the air. Are the two things connected? You’ll have to listen to find out.

All of our heroes (or are they heroes [SFX tension sting]?) chuckle a lot. Like, vastly more than even that friend-of-a-friend you insist your spouse never invite to lunch again because they chuckle too much and it creeps you out.

Join the fun on Patreon! Quarantine Mini episodes, contests, early access to every episode and more! patreon.com/372pages

The departments are here: Mike may or may not get destroyed in Real or Fanfic because of Conor’s underhanded chicanery. We’re stealing people’s mail and we have a lot of dumb sentences because Dan Brown who is dumb pens a bunch of dumb sentences.

*Seconds after ending this podcast Mike and Conor talked over microphones again for a RiffTrax meeting. True.

READING ASSIGNMENT FOR NEXT TIME: Through Chap 36. (It’s ok, there are a MILLION chapters.)

Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny Apr 06, 2020

A straightforward Dan Brown thriller, if by straightforward you mean vastly underpaid Georgetown professors sticking their heads into drinking fountains and forcing their strange dietary habits on unwitting squash partners.

We also hear from some experts on language and cryptography (and general human behavior, for that matter) about the many many things Mr. Brown gets extremely wrong.

On Patreon we’ve been posting daily quarantine minis, covering wide-ranging topics such as Andy Roony, Beethoven, and Alf dolls. Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages

We have Dumb Sentence of the Week, we Steal People’s Mail, Mike is challenged in Real or Fanfic, Conor hacks into the NSA to steal some of their crap, and also, Mike does a short set at a local comedy club using the humor of our sexy, chiseled leads!

For next time: Read through chapter 22

BTW: a lion drinking fountain liondrinkingfountain.com/pb/wp_07d17bfd/images/img232744df90d60201a7.jpg

Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs Mar 10, 2020

Alas, today we finish Moon People by Dale M. Courtney. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve eaten cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster and then gotten busy as hell afterwards. But there’s only one way to bring this saga to a close: run the thing into a ditch and hitchhike away from it when it’s still smoldering!

Yes, anyone who was hoping for a satisfying end to the saga will have to move on to book 2 because this one just kinda ends. But before it does, we get what is probably the worst space battle ever written, first contact with aliens who go on to compliment our eggplant Parmesan and then show us their space museum, and a remarkably chill version of the president of the United States. All this excitement will make us for get that our main character kinda just stands around for the final third of the book.

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! They’ll be the first to find out about our next book, they also get every episode early, fun contests, bonus stuff and more! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

All this plus an examination of the ebook’s final “About the Author” section, a visit to the Dark Web 2.0, and Dumb Sentences and listener emails!

Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People Mar 03, 2020

In the middle third of Moon People our hero David Braymer… does NOT go to the moon, or meet people from the moon. But fittingly for this number episode, he does get busy as hell!

Following what must have been the most erotic Red Lobster dinner in all of recorded history, Cheral is consumed with lust by her Rocket Man, who remains extremely casual about both his sex and going into space for a decade.

Which turns out to be kind of a crappy decision! Because for every promised medium-to-elaborate apartment that turns out to actually be elaborate (Score!), you get weird quirks like gravity not working, or a ponderous permitting process required if you want to bring chickens on board (I thought this was Amercia!)

Join us on Patreon! Since last time we’ve posted a meme contest and a bonus dark web sketch, plus you get every episode early. Patreon.com/372pages

We’ll also examine David’s habit of asking the Dumbest First Question Possible, which turns out not to be unique to just him on his family tree. All this plus Real or FanFic, Listener Mail, and DSOTW!

For next time, finish the damn book.

Episode 68 – Still Tippin’ on 222s Feb 18, 2020

Hey, there he is! The shadow has lifted from the moon, and from our souls, and MOON PEOPLE is the glorious result! There’s so much to discuss here, so pledge to yourselves and to God that you won’t tell anyone else about it and we’ll get started! There’s:

-DMC’s never before seen method of writing dialogue

-What is a 222?

-Differences between print and kindle version

-Hang on I’m going to eat a quick sandwich

-Which Daytona Red Lobster are they visiting?

-Does any of this math check out?

-Is astronomy a science?

–Cathy Rigby???

Join us on Patreon! By supporting the podcast you can get every episode before everyone else, and get bonus stuff. This week supporters got Lauren’s entire 20 minute editorial breakdown of the DMC’s intro that provoked comments such as “Stop, stop, he’s already dead!” patreon.com/372pages

Plus we do some research and discover there actually WAS an editor on this book! And DMC recorded their conversations for posterity! Plus Emails, Dumb Sentences (hoo boy), and a very tricky Real or Fanfic!

For next time read thru chapter 13.

Book 11 Announcement Feb 10, 2020

Here it is, the 11th bad book we’re going to read together. It’s going to be way more enjoyable than Shadow Moon. This short announcement was part of a longer Patreon exclusive mailbag, our supporters have been reading the book for a week already. Lucky them! You can join the fun here: patreon.com/372pages

Book 11 is available in paperback and on kindle. For the first assignment, read thru Chapter 7.

Episode 67 – The Worst Book We’ve Ever Read Jan 30, 2020

452 pages, 2 blood whips, and one StagLord later, we have finished SHADOW MOON by George Lucas and Chris Claremont. Much like Thorn/Willow, we are now very tired. Unlike our protagonist, we’ve been lying on the floor for three hours now (being tired) but it has not yet granted us permission to enter.

There’s a ton to talk about in this last episode, but we’ll get ahead of your questions: yes we discuss Burglekutt the beet farmer. We’ll also encounter every animal in existence inside a volcano, which is the sort of thing that sounds awesome if it wasn’t in a book by George Lucas or Chris Claremont. Animals the plump sacred princess gets compared to in this section: A monkey, a ferret, and a raccoon. None of those are meant as compliments.

Thank you so much for taking this journey with us! If you want to get in on our Shadow Moon mailbag, or be the first to find out the title of our next book, please join us on patreon! patreon.com/372pages

Episode 66 – We Come to Bury Burys Jan 14, 2020

A shocking Very Special Episode! A first in the history of the podcast, possibly a first for any podcast!

The smelly, repugnant, filth-caked, farm-animal-of-a-girl Elora is discussed at length which leads to not one BUT two shocking bathroom tales from Mike and Conor! (Can you get that from Conan’s podcast, I think not?!)

All the departments are here, and it’s just possible that Mike is hitting his stride in Real or Fanfic.

Plus: We discuss the appearance in Shadow Moon of a literal “hell of a rig”.

Support the podcast and join us on Patreon! Get every episode early, bonus eps, contests, our discord and more! patreon.com/372pages

EDIT: Neglected to give the reading assignment which is… wait for it… brace yourselves… yep… FINISH THE BOOK. (We know you’re not going to do that so sorry for the fake drama.)

Episode 65 – Pig Girl Wrecks the Can Jan 07, 2020

Happy new year everyone! A new decade has dawned and we are still reading Shadow Moon. In this segment, to the author’s credit, some stuff actually happens! Unfortunately what happens is that a nude otter-man crashes through the roof of a tavern and the sacred princess takes a dump.

Fortunately, we’re able to gain more insight into the dynamic between our two authors via the magic of secret dark web recordings. We’ll also discuss with asperity Clucas’s new word fascination, “implacable”. And we’ll wrack our brains trying to think up new varieties of vermin.

We’re getting close to 500 supporters on Patreon! Kick in a few bucks and get every episode early, and access to other bonus stuff like Meme Contests, TekWar card reviews, and bonus episodes!

For next time, read thru Chapter 12, page 357.

Episode 64 – Willow Loves Willow Dec 26, 2019

Mike and Conor have a pretty straightforward discussion about how Thorn née Willow formerly “the floor” kinda sorta transforms into The Demon / A Dragon / Some Stones / a Liquid Mass of His Own Melted Organs / Some Shards / A Mountain / a Swimmer / a Fish, etc., and in that state puffs air into the demon’s daughter who may or may not be Elora, and then, as he has done several times before, looks around the castle, gets pulverized, crushed, bloody, turns into one searing mass of unbearable agony, then pops through some masonry and starts shoving people into moon fire.

So, pretty clear, though some unusual stuff does happen along the way.

Plus: Conor does Real or FanFic and you won’t believe what happens next!

Join us on Patreon where all sorts of fun stuff happens! Early access to every episode, a private discord channel, and other nonsense! patreon.com/372pages

For next episode *deep soul-weary sigh* read fifty more pages!

Episode 63 – Shadow Moon: Episoude the Fourth Dec 16, 2019

A jam-packed episode made all the more thrilling because Mike’s computer crashed twice while making it. Was it ensorcelled by a HardDriveHeron with CrashCharms? We may never know.

What else? Pretty straightforward, nothing really stands out — Oh, wait: Willow becomes a floor. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory.

If you enjoy the podcast, please consider supporting it on Patreon! Get every episode early, access to an exclusive Discord server, and extra bonus stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Episode 62 – Llamacorn sez, “Well coat my meat in peanut sauce, it’s a new ep!” Dec 10, 2019

Gather round victuallers and chandlers, alike! Lacquer your fur down and join us as we dig further into the Thillow-verse.

Can Mike get a soild D or D- in Real or Fanfic? How’s Thorn’s stand-up routine (the dark web knows)? Can Conor pronounce “magus” any better than “Ogden”? What’s the theoretical limit for a book’s chapter length? Also:

Pop quizzes
Mail from you listeners
Dumb sentences
Minor glamours are cast
Eagles mate

Our Patreon supporters have been listening to this episode for days now. DAYS! Join them at patreon.com/372pages, get every episode early, get access to our exclusive discord channel, see Conor’s favorite Tekwar cards and more!

Finally, want to force Mike to go see a Star War? Then check out a way to do it in the service of a good cause: click here

Episode 61 – Don’t Put Ketchup on your Death Dog Dec 02, 2019

Ah, Shadow Moon… That’s a name we haven’t heard in a long time… Well, a week at least!

Join us as we continue our deep dive into the Lucas/Claremont saga “Shadow Moon”. This section begins with a bunch of Death Dogs getting impaled, decapitated, and having various organs thrown into raging infernos. We’ll debate whether Thorn/Willow (Thillow?)’s ability to do any magic that is required of the situation cheapens the drama (it does.) And we’ll do our best to imitate what a Daikini accent might sound like. Spoiler: It sounds like a Chicago accent performed with two wildly varying levels of skill.

Our Patreon supporters are our very favorite listeners, they’ve had access to this episode since way before Thanksgiving! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

All this plus a tricky bunch of fanfic, some emails that explore some theories about whether this was actually ever supposed to be a Willow book, a listen to Maulroom absolutely crushing it at the bar on Lady’s Night, and one very special Llamacorn.

For next time, read up to page 150!

Episode 60 – This Podcast is now named Thorn Drumheller Nov 22, 2019

Step into the WillowVerse for our first discussion of George Lucas & Chris Claremont’s “SHADOW MOON”! Things get sexy right off the bat, and never let up (if you consider descriptions of hair that is one color but has streaks of another color in it to be sexy. We do.)

We’ll meet some of our favorite characters and quickly say goodbye to them. We’ll be beset upon by verbal jugular japery on the par of “He who smelt it dealt it.” And we’ll likely confuse Death Dogs for Devil Dogs at least a dozen times.

Special thanks to our Patreon supporters who have had access to this episode for days already. Get every episode early and get to participate in contests, giveaways, bonus eps and more. Patreon.com/372pages

Plus, a fine showing from Mike in Real or FanFic, and a surprisingly music set of interludes. For next time, Read thru chapter 2 (page 100 in the mass market paperback!)

Episode 59 – Book 10 Nov 13, 2019

Cline
Cline
Theis
Shatlart
Thrash
Pappy
James
Harris
Stoker…

Who’s next? Listen and find out!

(Hey! Patreon supporters have known about this book for a week already and have been snatching up the cheapest used copies! Join them for early access to every episode, bonus eps, videos, contests, and more! patreon.com/372pages )

Episode 58 – China Worm Sunflower Oct 23, 2019

Three hypnotizing attempts, two destroyed castles, and countless walnuts later, Lair of The White Worm comes to an end. Break out the medium-grade china and cream-jug, because this is one episode you won’t want to miss.

The 372 Pages Improv Players will attempt to fill the void when the Dark Web comes up empty, and we’ll examine how the book is actually exciting, you just need the right music to play. And does Conor have a new Ogden in his life? Plus, what the hell are the amplified dimensions of a potential breakfast?

Just try to keep all laughter quieter than your average slum beating as Mike & Conor wrap up Bram Stoker’s Bad Book, and keep an eye on the Patreon page for our review of the movie and a mailbag.

Episode 57 – Well Hung Doors Oct 15, 2019

It’s our third episode discussing Bram Stoker’s “Lair of the White Worm”. If you like coherent horror stories, we apologize. But as a consolation, may we offer you dozens of sentences with upwards of seven commas in them?

We get the best of what Bram has to offer here: conversations with old men in parlors, absolute gibberish theories passed off as scientific fact, tea with attempted murderers, forest-planks, and of course, in a triumphant return, The Worm of Lambton. We are well aware of the amount of commas in that sentence.

Thank you to all of our generous Patreon supporters! Join them and get every episode early, plus contests, extra eps, and additional stuff only they get to see! patreon.com/372pages

We’ll also inspect Adam Salton’s past to see how he came to amass such an intricate library of smells, and Mike will attempt to improve on Conor’s abysmal Real or Fanfic performance from last episode. For next time, just finish the damn book!

Episode 56 – For the Benefit of Evil Bird Kite Oct 08, 2019

To say that LOTWW took an unexpected turn in this section would be a slap in the face to unexpected turns. While it appeared to be inching (worm pun) its way toward an exploration of the enormous holes that TOTALLY PROVE the existence of giant worms, most of the second quarter of the book is dedicated to Caswall’s enormous bird kite.

Does he love the kite? Feel bad about the terror it hath wrought? Who knows! Stoker’s writing is no more clear than Oolanga’s expressions of love to Lady Arabella.

Thanks as always to our Patreon supporters who have been puzzling over the Sudden Birdemic all weekend. Join them at patreon.com/372pages

We’ll also listen in on a historical conversation Stoker had, and Mike turns the tables on Conor by having him guess Real or Fanfic?

For next time read thru Chapter 23

Episode 55 – A Very Special Mongoose Oct 01, 2019

Bram, (or is it pronounced Bram) Stoker’s Dracula followup The Lair of the White Worm, is not very good. But there’s a lot to discuss!

Adam Salton has willingly traveled halfway across the world to live with his elderly Grand-Uncle, which is frankly a clue that we’re not in for a relatable experience. But we were not prepared for just how unrelatable! We’ve got mongoose purchasing down by the docks, men who stare like hawks until a woman possibly faints, outfits made of stuff, and women who may be snakes or just smell like them. Plus a big scoop of racism on top!

Thanks to all our Patreon supporters, who get every episode early and are currently in a contest to write a worse sentence than Stoker! Join them here: patreon.com/372pages

All this plus some snippets from a rare audiobook of the unabridged version. For next time, read thru Chapter 16!

Episode 54 – Book 9 Sep 16, 2019

We’re on our ninth book! We now have enough bad books to field a baseball team or form our own personal Wu-Tang Clan of crappy literature. No reason to delay any further, hit play to find out what we’re reading next, and then come see us at our September 18th live show in Minneapolis!

Oh, by the way, Patreon supporters have been reading this book all weekend! Join them for just $5 a month and get every episode early! You’ll also get access to Mike’s conversation with Bridget about her fond and not-so-fond 372 memories, Conor’s conversation with Lauren about a book they hated together, and much more! patreon.com/372pages

For the first episode read Chapters 1-8.

Here’s a link to the amazon version we are using. And a link to a free ebook download.

(The giveaway mentioned in this episode is already concluded.)

Episode 53 – Seven Days of Mystery, Drama, Excitement, Compassion, Horror, and Romance Sep 03, 2019

We finally finish Charles E. Harris aka The Horny Grandpa’s saga Trucking Through Time. Tension is high as we finally will get an answer to our big question: will the author handle things sloppily or hamfistedly?? There’s a big military standoff, sexy-time both across the river and in the breakdown lane of an interstate, and frankly, way more James A. Garfield involvement than anyone was expecting.

Unfortunately, there’s just not enough of our two favorite characters: the Denver lunch clairvoyant and Dale’s loser son. Guess we’ll just have to wait for a sequel!

Thanks again as always to our Patreon Supporters who get every episode early and are thus will be the firstto hear about our NEXT BOOK! Last week they also got a great bonus episode where Bridget Nelson weighed in on her memories or the terrible books Mike has brought into their home. And come on out to see us on 9/18 at Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis!

Episode 52 – Hold Onto Your Buckskins Aug 16, 2019

We’ve got a jam-packed penultimate Trucking Through Time episode! Curvy wives! Horny grandpas! Easily accessible caches of cowboy hats! A surprising amount of discussion about James A. Garfield assassin Charles Guiteau. And a reminder to wash any pre-owned buckskins you buy at the thrift store!

With only fifty pages left in Trucking Through Time, we have several questions: “How are they getting back to 2000 Atlanta?”, sure. But also, “How many more meetings will take place in the general’s office?” and “How many times will ChaDale remind us who the REAL savages are?”

Consider chipping in a couple bucks to our Patreon and get every episode early! patreon.com/372pages

We’re also got a surprisingly tricky Real or FanFic and of course Dumb Sentences and emails. Plus we turn to the dark web to examine a heretofore unreported on Wild West career opportunity, and a secret fan theory for what was really going on at the fort.

For next time, finish the damn book!

Episode 51 – Grandpa, No! Aug 12, 2019

In between the General reading reports, Trucking Through Time manages to fit in some genuinely insane moments. Our heroes literally get to meet God, and it’s the second craziest thing that happens. (The first is our favorite moment in all of literature.)

We’ll listen in on some surreptitious recordings made by Harris’ family, examine the GoodReads history of a guy who didn’t care for TTT and cares for cookbooks even less, and of course, will see if Mike can separate fanfic from real Harris text.

Consider chipping in a few bucks to our Patreon! We did a call-in show last week for our supporters that was a lot of fun. Get every episode early!

For next time, read thru Chapter 16, page 285. Only two more Truckin’ eps left!

And if you’re near Minneapolis, we’d love to see you at our live show, Wednesday September 18th at Sisyphus Brewing!

Episode 50 – Arthur “Three Socks” Jackson Jul 31, 2019

It’s our 50th episode! And to celebrate, Trucking Through Time gets a little…. sexy! If you thought groins were stirring and tightening in the mister, just wait til you see the effect Light Feather has on Chad! (He’s not going to need his last name, if you know what we mean…)

Our occasional department of Amazon review guessing returns to inspect the history of, until we started this month, the sole Amazon reviewer of TTT. We’ve also got another bit of what one listener called “Baroque Nonsense” when we visit the dark web to drop to poach content from another podcast.

For next time, read thru Chapter 14, page 234.

Episode 49 – A Bad Day for the Home Team Jul 23, 2019

Having trucked through time, our heroes Chad Hand and Dale Rhea (seriously) must now deal with the perils of life in the late 17th or early 18th century. This mainly involves taping things to sticks and feeding a young boy pork and beans.

We’ll also get to meet approximately three dozen members of the Sioux tribe, some of whom manage to die before they’re even introduced. We’ll also meet members of the US army, introduced in an unconventional manner Harris employs known as “confusing the living shit out of us.”

Consider supporting us on Patreon. Get every episode early, plus fun other stuff. Do it or we’ll start putting ads in this thing!!! patreon.com/372pages

Fanfic this week proved both hilarious and tricky, and we unearthed a dark web interview with the author himself.

For next time, read thru Chapter 10, page 174!

(Heather’s character spreadsheet available here)

Episode 48 – Trucking Through Time Jul 15, 2019

Load your cooler up with knickknacks, good buddy, we’re in for a long haul! This is our first episode covering Charles E. Harris’ “Trucking Through Time” and if the first two chapters are any indication it’s going to be quite the journey!

We’ll meet our heroes Chad and Dale, the comically mismatched duo who are more alike than many pairs of identical twins. They’re headed to the Bay Area, with nothing to keep them company but a vast library of truck stop books, plastic bags to pee in and toss out the window, and fond memories of Miss Marie. Along the way they’ll encounter authentic Western settings, harrowing tales on backs of menus, and two guys named Patch.

If you enjoy the podcast and want to support us, or DON’T enjoy it but for some reason want access to every episode early, plus other bonuses, check out our patreon. Thanks to the nearly 400 listeners who already support us!

We’ve got all our departments, emails, DSOTW, and some stepped up fan fiction. Plus a controversial segment involving a newly recast 372 Pages Players and a touching overheard conversation between a father and a son.

For next time, read thru Chapter 5!

(Oh, and here’s a link to the maps that listener David plotted out for us, as discussed at the end)

Episode 47 – So do Albanian cars have seatbelts or what? Jul 01, 2019

As we wrap up our deep dive into EL James’ “The Mister”, we have a lot of questions. Well, one question really: What the hell?

But also: Why was absolutely nothing resolved? Why do Maxim and Alessia treat her father like his opinion should matter at all? How much were they paying that translator? Is that another half-finished hotel? Do automobiles actually qualify as a “fun theme”? Why is our hero thinking about his mother during sex? Tickety-boo????

We’ll address some of these questions, but we’ve also got a ton of listener emails, Dumb Sentences, an Amazon review quiz, a Goodreads review quiz, a look at the role of Albanian translators in perilous situations throughout history, as well as a listen as to what Alessia’s father’s wedding toast might have sounded like.

Our Patreon supporters have a chance to win our copies of The Mister, in addition to getting every episode early and other things nobody else gets to see. Enter to win and join them here!

We ALSO have a very fun anacrostic puzzle that listener Amanda made for us. Download it and give it a shot here!

Thank you for reading along with us on The Mister, especially everyone who wrote in, created fanfic and memes, and shared their comments here! This one was a lot of fun. We’ll take next week off for the fourth but will have a book giveaway and a Trucking Through Time assignment soon!

Episode 46 – Bleriana’s Bucket Jun 20, 2019

This is now an all Bleriana, all the time podcast. Our favorite unseen character, who may or may not still be a sex slave when this book ends in fifty pages, makes another appearance, as Alessia finally recounts the story of her evil Betrothed and her journey to England. Despite her saying “I love you” dozens of times and being DTF no matter what recent trauma has happened, Maxim remains uncertain of their relationship’s standing. We examine the possible causes of this idiocy.

We are approaching 400 Patreon supporters! Thanks to everyone who backs us on there: we really really appreciate it and it helps us push through these terrible books! We’ll be giving our copies of The Mister to lucky winners once we’re done, so get in on the fun at patreon.com/372pages

We’ll also examine the relationship between Maxim and his headmates, pause for a brief ad for Jameson Irish Whiskey, and speculate on exactly what the hell Maxim was uploading to his Instagram from the airport. We’ll also speculate on the odds that certain events happen in the book’s final fifty pages.

For next time, there’s nothing left to do but finish the damn book!

Episode 45 – Wherefore Art Thou, Bleriana? Jun 13, 2019

Our second favorite trafficking victim does NOT show up in this section of The Mister, but other than that, it’s jam packed. Anesthesia, post-trauma boning, and approximately 3/4 of a page of honest to god drama and tension!

Join us on Patreon! Get every episode early plus other fun stuff like cooking shows! patreon.com/372pages

Mike and Conor have been busy trying out recipes from the book, we’ll hear details about Conor’s Banoffee Pie and Mike will try some beef stew with prunes (Prunes?) live on the air. The 372 Pages Players make their dramatic return. We examine an Amazon reviewer’s other purchases. Plus reliable standbys like FanFic, DSOTW, and listener emails are all here!

For next time, read up to Pages 442, the section break that ends with “but I hope I find my girl.”

Episode 44 – Male Tasting Fingers Jun 04, 2019

This episode is nearly two hours long, despite the fact that if you cut out all the sex from these five chapters, all our characters did was buy shoes and play chess. Oh, and they saw a deer.

Our patreon supporters have been listening to this episode all weekend! Join the fun and get every episode early at patreon.com/372pages

Anyway, there’s a ton of fun details to dive into. We’ve got a word count guessing game, an alternative ending for a book, a deleted scene that finds Maxim green with envy, fanfic, emails, and dumb sentences! Plus we’ll kick things off with an announcement about the return of an old friend of the podcast. So cut a slice of banoffee, fire up some shitty mellow artist on your Sonos, and listen now!

For next time read up to page 388, thru chapter 24

Episode 43 – Music for your what now? May 28, 2019

WARNING: This section of The Mister may contain the dumbest sentence we’ve ever covered on this show.

Join us in pastoral Cornwall, where Maxim and the entrancing Alessia, who’s beauty, we’re often reminded, is very beautiful, are hiding out from Albania sex traffickers. What do they do to pass the time? What any two attractive (Alessia is very attractive) young people would do: eat fish pies and get busy as hell.

If you want to get our episodes before everyone else, join us on Patreon! We really appreciate everyone who supports us on there: patreon.com/372pages

Along the way we’ll learn that our hero can visually assess whether women in a truck stop restroom look like they’ve been sex-trafficked from Eastern Europe, meet the world’s fastest interrupter, and meet Megan, a sullen hag who Maxim of course has already banged. We’ll also debut a new Review-based department!

For next time, read up to page 319, thru chapter 19.

Episode 42 – Not A Groin Was Stirring May 21, 2019

In part two of our deep dive into The Mister, author EL James gives her audience exactly what they came for: Sex! Nobody actually having it, of course, but people are being trafficked for it in a cheap attempt to lend gravitas to a tawdry romance novel! We were so disgusted our groins barely stirred at all.

This week we’ll get to meet Maxim’s bros and pay a visit to his family estates. We’ll crack a smile anytime we don’t see condoms, and finally get a good look at Alessia underneath that revolting housecoat. (Spoiler alert: she’s very attractive, and also a genius.)

If you like the podcast, please consider supporting us on patreon! You’ll get every episode early and if you move quick you can get in on our The Mister meme contest! patreon.com/372pages

Real or Fanfic returns, along with a dark web look at some of the other times that Maxim held his tongue (turns out he’s done it a lot throughout history, not just when he’s offered revolting instant coffee)

For next time, read thru Chapter 14, to page 235!

Link to Facts King’s Albania page: https://factsking.com/countries/albania/

Episode 41 – Handsome Buttocks May 14, 2019

Who’s ready to get British and horny?? This is our first episode devoted to The Mister by EL James, and it’s obviously unlike anything we’ve read on here before. We’ll examine the author’s clever methods for padding out the book length, as well as some very surprising similarities to the works of Ernest Cline. We’ll also examine how a cartoon wolf might respond to the sight of someone polishing a piano in an alluring nylon housecoat. We’ll also check out the dark web and establish some powerful new Albanian stereotypes. Join us!!!

Our Patreon supporters have been listening to this episode all weekend, literally, non-stop. They’re nuts. Join them and get every episode early! patreon.com/372pages

All this plus some truly Dumb Sentences of the week and a surprisingly tricky Fanfic or Real? segment

For next time, read thru chapter 9, page 156

Episode 40 – Book Number Seven May 06, 2019

Time to start our seventh book together! This one promises to be quite the journey. Don’t want to ruin this surprise, so get listening!

Oh and by the way, our Patreon supporters have been reading this book all weekend because they get every episode early! Lucky them…? If you want to join them, we really appreciate the support! patreon.com/372pages

Episode 39 – Broken Camera Blues Apr 25, 2019

We are back after a week in Nashville! While we were there, we figured that we would take advantage of the opportunity to record face to face. So we recorded a dynamic, hilarious, touching video rattling off some potential Next Book candidates (it was well shot too.) Unfortunately, Mike had a checked bag mishap with his camera on the flight home (the airline killed it, thinking it was a service dog)

So we have reprised the chat over audio for folks to listen to! We’ll discuss six candidates for potential new books. Listen and let us know what you think!

Our Patreon supporters have been discussing these potential books all week! Join them and get every episode early for jut $5 a month: patreon.com/372pages

Links to the books we discussed, but without revealing titles:

Episode 38 – 160 Pages We’ll Never Get Back Apr 11, 2019

Thank god this book was not 372 pages long. Neither of us could have handled that. Bob Honey was fortunately only 160, and even so, managed to have three different characters crap their pants, two of them in this final section. It’s a fitting metaphor for something, but we’ll be damned if we’re going to puzzle it out, we’re too busy enjoying our heated pool.

Also enjoying their heated pool? Our Patreon supporters! If you hurry and join them, you can enter to win Mike & Conor’s copies of Bob Honey and also get every episode early! patreon.com/372pages

There is a lot to discuss as we wrap up this entry: the appropriate theme music for one of Bob’s killing sprees, the practicality of the business model of dosing unsuspecting kids with acid, and what Penn might have left out of his wrap up poem.

This was quite a ride, and we’re thankful for everyone who took it with us! Hopefully our next target will prove a bit more whimsical and a bit less alliterative!

Episode 37 – I Laugh a lot When I Write Apr 04, 2019

Our favorite unreliable narrator who is also a toilet salesman/mallet assassin is back to bring his book into the homestretch! We’ve got brand new onomatopoeias, lipstick smeared on teeth, and of course, boatloads of alliteration. There’s also a literal boat, which our hero uses to abandon Hurricane Katrina relief effort volunteers to their death. (this is the “stuff” that he evidently “just do.”) There’s also got some fanfic which, though it may not be our most difficult batch yet, gives us a whole lot to look forward to in the book’s final chapters.

Best of all, author Sean Penn has popped up recently on the late night talk show circuit to promote Bob Honey’s paperback release. We’ll examine his recent appearance, where he claims to “laugh a lot while I am writing” and we’ll also look back at some of his previous talk show appearances, where he apparently has a go to defense of his writing that he trots out.

If you are enjoying the podcast, please considering kicking in a few bucks on our Patreon page! Just $5 gets you early access to every episode so you can get started on your fanfic before everyone else! patreon.com/372pages

We are thankfully finishing the damn book for next time!

Episode 36 – We’re Baffled By The Cherry Water Mar 27, 2019

The enigma that is Bob Honey continues to baffle and frustrate us. From offering guests a drink that no human has ever consumed (and they accept??), to possessing a secret preternatural scuba diving activity, to being unable to comprehend basic figures of speech. Oh, and he’s a literal superhero we find out too! So that’s just delightful.

Our dark web contacts come thru again with more reenactments, Mike tries a social experiment on his patient wife, and a challenging round of Real or Fanfic?

If you enjoy the podcast, please consider supporting us on Patreon. Kick in $5 to get every episode early, and just $1 helps out as well and gets you some bonus stuff!

For next time read up to page 121, or right after Pappy Pariah shares his poem.

Episode 35 – Uh… OK? Mar 19, 2019

Sean Penn certainly has written a collective of words arranged into sentences! There’s a lot to discuss in our first episode diving into Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. There’s the mysterious backstory Penn created for the book, the maddening alliteration, and the book’s strange ability to make you dislike stuff you previously thought you enjoyed.

We’ll also play a round of “Create your own Sean Penn character“, to show you how easy it is to make a character this eccentric. Plus, the roots of Penn’s satire inspire a brand new movie trailer.

If you support our Patreon you’ve already heard this episode! Get every ep a few days early, plus extra stuff we only post there.

For next time read up Part 2!

Episode 34 – A 160 Page Self-Own Mar 11, 2019

Well, here is the new book we all get to read together! We apologize for nothing!! And hey, a bunch of listeners requested this one, so if you want someone to blame we will name names!

But in all seriousness, this should be very fun, and will be a welcome change of pace from the last book, (though a binder of carpet samples would be a welcome change of pace from the last book.)

If you were a Patreon supporter, you could’ve been reading this four days ago! (Is that a good thing? Is this how enticing works?) Anyway, join in the fun at patreon.com/372pages

As we like to do from time to time, you’ll have a chance to calibrate your tastes along with both of us, just so you know where we are coming from.

For next time, let’s read thru “Chapter” five, page 45.

Episode 33 – Checkmate Feb 27, 2019

All good things must come to an end. On a completely unrelated note, this book also must come to an end.

And what an ending it is! After pages and pages of repeated text and detailed descriptions of the families of characters who are never mentioned again, we get some actual, honest to god plot development. And when it finally happens, it’s more ludicrous than we could have ever hoped.

372 Pages is made possible by our generous Patreons who get our episodes early, get stuff we don’t post anywhere else, and two lucky ones are even going to walk away with signed copies of our books! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

We will warn you that by listening to this podcast, you may possibly receive a decade in prison without the possibility of parole in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, since evidently they hand those things out like candy on Halloween (or as it’s called in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, “Boxing Day”)

Hope you enjoyed the voyage into the Unoverse as much as we did!

Episode 32 – Ctrl-V, Repeat Feb 19, 2019

Who is the Sheriff of 372 Pages?

Sorry, just trying out our new catchphrase. Nobody better be laughing!! We have an absolutely jam packed episode this week, because despite maybe 40% of this week’s assigned reading being the same block of typo-ridden copy/paste text, there was a lot to talk about. Potential suspects! Power couples doing cool things! Multiple cases of treason, perpetrated without a second thought!

There’s a lot of new characters introduced so make sure to have a copy of your 64-SQUARES org chart that our Patreon supporters chipped in to make (join the fun at patreon.com/372pages ) And if you find yourself in any biweekly meetings, take a look at this mock agenda that listener Travis made so you’ll know when to take your three breaks and which 40-50 action items you’re discussing.

For next time, finish the damn book!

Episode 31 – I, Titus Uno Feb 12, 2019

Assemble your various financial certification acronyms and have Veronica Jackson clear your schedule, because we’ve got a doozy of an episode! So much to unpack here in our first discussion of The Forensic Certified Public Accountant and the Cremated 64-SQUARES Financial Statements. We’ve got kidnapped mascots, hi-tech spy gear, and world record fast marriage proposals. If you’ve made any plans, blow them to rubbish and listen to this episode instead!

This episode is made possible by our generous Patreon supporters. We hit the 300 patron mark last week! Patrons get early access to every episode, chances to win signed books and other prizes, and the occasional bonus episode! Plus a portion of every months earnings goes to a worthy cause, last months was 826 National. Join us at patreon.com/372pages

NOTE: Mike was on the road this week so we tried a new recording method which did not work as advertised. So the sound quality is not what we’re used to. Hopefully we’ll have it sorted out for the next episode! Thanks for bearing with us.

Episode 30 – Manifesto in Book Form Feb 04, 2019

Well, we’ve found a new book to read together, and it certainly appears to be something special. More in the vein of “Eye of Argon”, this is one that was never going to hit the best seller list. But based on early scans it seems like it will be a lot of fun to dive into. Or maybe it’ll be like The Ring and we’ll all be dead in seven days! Who knows!

Looking forward to this new dive into a terrible book, please email your thoughts, reactions, fan-fic as soon as you get your hands on a copy!

Episode 29 – What The Hell Was That? Jan 16, 2019

Well, the pace sure as hell was unrelenting, folks. We’ve reached the end of TekWar, and there both is and isn’t a lot to talk about. Chest-high walls, disdainful robot pimps, the brief and wondrous life of Sonny Hokori are all just the tip of the iceberg. Thanks to all who hitched their wagons to the Shatlart skytrain for this plasride!

As announced in the episode, we’ll be taking a look at the TekWar TV movie soon as a Patreon exclusive, so stay tuned for that. Conor also has his eye on the next title, so we will get started on that soon as well!

Episode 28 – Al’s House of Lucite Jan 08, 2019

If you’d told us way back in Episode 25 – Meetings About Sonny Hokori, if we’d still be having meetings about Sonny Hokori 150 pages later, we would have thrown the book across the room. And yet, here we are.

We’re back after the holiday break (feeling kind of glum, guess we just miss Ogden Swires) with a thorough dive into the second to last section of TEKWAR. Time to question the wisdom of installing cyborg limbs that seem to be weaker than flesh ones, explore the oppressive censorship of the Bishop of Acapulco and meet two strong contenders for Best Characters in the Book. Plus, we’ll examine the rise of the Plas industry, and the fall of another, and read some very exciting FanFic that is probably gonna be better than how the book actually ends.

Assignment for next time: finish the damn book!

Thanks to all our patreon supporters! Support for as little as a dollar per month, or chip in 5 and get access to every episode early! patreon.com/372pages

Episode 27 – A Heavy Airquotes Simple Plan Dec 21, 2018

Chapter 22 of Tekwar may be the second stupidest chapter we’ve read on this podcast. The first, of course, being the one in Armada where The Emissary just, you know, cures cancer and every other disease. But this one is close. We will explain why in great detail.

We’ll also FINALLY meet one of the characters the other characters have been talking about. We’ll get to bask in presence of the charismatic, bon vivant that is The Fat Globo. We’ll encounter racist android brothel owners. And we’ll see how Mike does on his Fan Fic guessing even though he’s misplaced his lucky pencil.

Supporters of our Patreon get every episode for free and we also try to throw in bonus stuff from time to time like the plasquiz discussed in this episode and Mike’s upcoming, long awaited discussion of how he got the nickname Mad Dog. Thanks to everyone who supports it, if you’d like to join them, here’s the link: patreon.com/372pages

For next time, read thru Chapter 30!

Episode 26 – Located in the Exact Center of your Podcast App Dec 11, 2018

Roll your cartoon wolf tongues back into your mouths, we’ve got a new episode! This week we finally get to meet the lusted after Beth Kittridge… Well, kind of…

Mike also coins a new, revolting portmanteau for our favorite author duo: Shatlart, while Conor does his best to try to pronounce the name Ogden, which bafflingly is the name of more than one character in this stupid, stupid book.

A huge thanks to our Patreon supporters, who get access to every episode early! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

For next time read thru Chapter 26!

Episode 25 – Meetings About Sonny Hokori Dec 04, 2018

Look, we all love Sonny Hokori and Bennet Sands and Dr. Kittridge’s insanely hot daughter. We love to hear Jake discuss those people in quirky alleys with people we’ve never met and probably will never hear from again. But for the love of god, do we need FOUR CONSECUTIVE CHAPTERS of these meetings???

In this episode we’ve got some diabolical fan fic, confusion about what constitutes a cyborg, and we’ll finally hear from the man behind the ghostwriter himself. For next time, read thru episode 21!

Patreon supporters get these episodes before anyone else! Chip in a few bucks and help out your favorite podcast about books we’re all probably going to hate: patreon.com/372pages

Episode 24 – ¡El Pelo Hinchable! Nov 20, 2018

To the inattentive and brainless layman* it might appear that not much happened during this stretch of TekWar. Mostly Jake aka Jonatha and Juanito aka The Android(???) just sat and talked to people about other people we haven’t met yet. Somehow, we discussed this for nearly two hours.

Folks stepped up their fanfic this time around, probably due to the new conditioner they’re using that leaves their hair bouncing around at all times for some reason. We also sort out how Jake could be puzzled (twice!) by the term kamikaze, guess characters exact ages and weights, and give credit where credit is due to a scene that actually made us laugh.

We’ll take a little extra time off for Thanksgiving, but we hope to have something extra up for Patreon supporters! To those of you celebrating, have a great turkey day! If you feel like joining our Giving Tuesday campaign for 826 National, it’s available here. Thanks to everyone who has chipped in so far!

For next time, read thru Chapter 15.

*I grinned as I found myself recognizing the turn of phrase from the classic 80s-90s comic strip Calvin and Hobbes

Episode 23 – Plasepisode Plastwenty Plasthree Nov 12, 2018

Steeple your chrome fingers against your chrome nose and tell maw to cork it, here’s our first Tekwar episode! We’ve got a ton to cover here: the difference between Airvans and Skycabs. Coppery racism. Oddly specific and ever increasing intervals of time. And printing, my god the printing!

A hearty plasthanks to our Patreon supporters, who get early access to every episode and just last week, got to hear an alternate version of our Tekwar intro episode! If you’d like to join them, you can chip in a a few bucks a month at patreon.com/372pages

Please keep sending in emails and fanfic. For next time read thru Chapter 11!

Episode 22 – Book Four Reveal! Nov 02, 2018

Let’s not delay this any longer: We’ve got a new book picked out to read together, and by all accounts it’s gonna be a doozy. So let’s say goodbye to Norgolia and move on to… Well, you’ll have to listen to find out!

We didn’t know the assignment for MYSTERY BOOK REDACTED when we recorded, but now we do: read thru Chapter 7, that’s page 54 in our version.

Please email us your thoughts on the new book, as well as any fanfic you might cook up in your twisted little brains. And if you care to, support us on Patreon! They’ve already known about this book for days and raided their local stores for the cheapest used copies! patreon.com/372pages

Episode 21 – Mo’ Shamen, Maw Problems Oct 26, 2018

It feels like we just started Grignr’s journey, but it’s already time to finish The Eye of Argon. Fortunately, the second half is just as amazing as the first half, with out of left field seizures, deadly rat pelvis bones, reeking maws, husking femmes, and iycks!

We’ll also take a look at how the book’s love scenes translate to the audio book format, read your emails, and award the dumb sentence of the week. Plus, we’re very pleased to report that this podcast has been deemed the winner of the Jay T. Rikosh award for excellence! And our next book should be arriving in the mail this weekend, so stay tuned!

Thanks to all of our Patreon supporters who make this possible! Join them and you can get early access to all of our episodes! patreon.com/372pages

Episode 20 – Hope You Like Adjectives! Oct 19, 2018

Wow! The Eye of Argon more than surpassed our expectations. Our ovals widened rotundly with every additional sentence Theis crafted. My god, the first four (4.5, really) chapters were only like six thousand words and we spent nearly two hours discussing them! Obviously there’s a lot to cover here as Grignr makes his way through the Norgolian empire: wenches, sluts (not the same, evidently!), bovine antagonists, and some very creative punctuation? Once again, Mike’s Hollywood sources have unearthed a long lost audioplay treatment of the book which provides some helpful context for some of the more confusing passages. And the long awaited return of “Real or Fanfic” contains what is probably one of the most unexpected slash pairings the internet has ever seen. Thanks to all of our Patreon supporters, who get early access to every episode. You can join them at patreon.com/372pages Please email all thoughts, fanfic, Dumb Sentences (we forgot this week but will make up for it next time), and book suggestions to 372pages@gmail.com

Episode 19 – The Eye of Argon Oct 12, 2018

We teased it in our last episode, but we’re finally ready to reveal to you: our next book is called The Eye of Argon. We figured, what could possibly carry the torch of Ernest Cline’s terrible books, and decided: how about a typo-riddled fantasy novella written five decades ago by a sixteen year old who never published anything again?

The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis is obscure, but it is available in print (VERY curious what the publisher makes of the sudden spike in sales!) Fortunately, it’s also available in every ebook format known to man right here. And if you want a true window into madness, check out the scan of the original issue of the Ozark SF Association “magazine” it appeared in.

The Eye of Argon is mercifully short, so you could probably read the whole thing in one sitting, but for our next episode we’re only going to read thru the first four chapters. Yes, that includes chapter 3.5. No, we don’t know why there are multiple “half” chapters.

Email us your thoughts and fanfic at 372pages@gmail.com And if you’re interested in supporting our patreon, you can do that here: patreon.com/372pages You’ll get early access to our episodes (Patrons have known the book title since Tuesday!) and the warm feeling that you’re helping make nonsense like this happen!

Episode 18 – A Crummy Commercial Oct 09, 2018

We are back! Don’t worry, there is no new Ernest Cline book. But we’ve decided to launch back up to try to tackle some books which may be just as bad or even worse!

DO NOT GET TOO EXCITED! There’s no real content in this episode. It is just A Crummy Commercial for our new Patreon. We ran afoul of the International Podcast Council for A) not having a Patreon and B) not reading commercials for MeUndies. We’re risking a lot by still refusing to do B, but if you’d like to support our Patreon, we’d really appreciate it! For just a few bucks a month you can get early access to episodes, like the episode that reveals OUR NEXT BOOK TITLE which is currently available for patrons RIGHT NOW!

All episodes will still be available for free on this same feed, just a few days after the patreon subscribers get them. So check back here in a few days!

Episode 17 – We’ll Do It Live… Or Will We? Apr 20, 2018

Recorded live at Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis on April 11th, this is our first ever live show… Is how this post used to start before the recording of our live show was lost in an epic tech meltdown!

But never fear, Mike and Conor have reunited to rediscuss the Ready Player One movie, in possibly more depth than even the original discussion! Did it live up to the expectations of the gunter faithful? Or did Spielberg pull a Pendergast? Most importantly: Were there any Battletoads cameos??

Thanks to everyone who came out to the actual live show, and to everyone who encouraged us to share our thoughts even after the disappointment of losing the first recording. Mike will be reprising the first half of the live show on Like Trees Walking, available shortly. And as always, Conor’s Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe novel is available on Kindle and in Paperback.

Episode 16 – And Then All That Happened, The End Mar 23, 2018

When we last left Zack Lightman, he was submerged beneath the Antarctic Ocean, trying to retrieve his father and save the world. But then it was getting close to happy hour, so Ernest Cline decided to just wrap things up and hit publish on one of the most unsatisfying, unbelievably rushed endings we’ve ever seen. We’re talking about an ending where cancer is cured IN ONE SENTENCE, and then the fact that MOST OTHER DISEASES were also cured is tacked on as a parenthetical to that sentence.

Conor & Mike are here to talk you through it though, with ruminations on MLB.tv’s playoff feeds, contorted faces, and a leaked scene featuring their new favorite character, The Emissary. Thanks for reading along with us, it’s been a lot of fun!

Since this is the FINAL Armada episode, we’re auctioning off our copies of the books. PLUS, Lucas Antoniak did an original, one of a kind painting of Chuckette, the original inflatable rig cow, that we’re including in the auction. All proceeds will go to 826 National.

Tickets are still available for our live show, April 11th in Minneapolis, but they’re going fast!

Need something to fill the Cline shaped void in your reading schedule? Get Conor’s book, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe!

Episode 15 – Some Light, Pre-Apocalypse Boning Mar 16, 2018

As humanity’s potential end draws near, our heroes still have not been allowed to say goodbye to their loved ones back on Earth. So they all do what any normal person would do in that situation: bang the hell of out someone they just met a few hours ago.

Mike and Conor’s faces contort as they try to make sense of this lovefest. They’ll also hurt a mixture of insults and encouragement at each other as they try to determine the pop culture source of every Shakespeare quote Whoadie spouts, and feel goofy grins spread across their faces as they stump each other with a VERY difficult final installment of Real or Fanfic

Your assignment for next week: finish the damn book! And then buy a ticket to see us live in Minneapolis, April 11th at Sisyphus Brewing. Tickets available here.

Logo and Inflateable Cow Rig T-shirts are currently on sale for just 14 bucks! All t-shirts and our live show poster done by Lucas Antoniak.

Conor’s novel The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe continues to delight readers despite its lack of Star Wars references and inaccurate Godzilla metaphors.

This week’s fanfic written by: Paul DeCoursey-Clark, Daniel Conrad, Alex in Chicago, Jordan Roher, Janelle Scinta, Nick Donald, & Alex Fauth.

Episode 14 – A General Uses the Term “Snackage” Mar 09, 2018

The Europan death armada is just hours away, and mankind’s last defense force is behaving about how you’d expect: grinning, crushing hard, and making references to classic 80s horror anthologies.

With only 100 pages left in the book, Mike and Conor are convinced that events that advance the plot forward may soon begin to actually occur. In the meantime, we’ll discuss the gamers’ favorite snack foods. There’s also a interesting historical footnote we uncovered revealing the pivotal role D&D played in WW2 and an exceedingly tricky Real or Fancic?

Your assignment for next week: Read up until PHASE THREE, page 293 in our edition.

Please join us on April 11th, for our first ever LIVE podcast, at Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis! We’ll be discussing the Ready Player One movie. Online ticketing available soon!

Picked up a copy of Conor’s book, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe yet?

What about an official 372 Pages t-shirt, designed by Lucas Antoniak?

And keep checking our RiffTrax Kickstarter page, where any day now, an extremely relevant stretch goal will be announced!

Episode 13 – Or as it Came to be Known, Episode 13 Mar 02, 2018

The calendars may say that it’s March, but to us it’s Clinetober! Here at 372 Pages we’re power-leaping into the month like a terrible Godzilla simile from the classic Toho kaiju flick Godzilla. This week’s reading may have broken the all-time record for most notes scrawled in the margins of our copies of Armada.

Conor & Mike are here to examine all of the rich, complex new characters we meet: religious housewife, stoned dude, streetwise teen, and Asian stereotype. They’ll also examine the classic Angry Chief trope as well as the curious priorities Armada’s characters seem to have when faced with imminent war and annihilation. Plus, an exclusive look at the controversial new process of “Clineifying” classic audiobooks!

All this plus a very tricky Real or Fanfic, the Dumb Sentence of the Week, and for the first time ever a consensus on the Boring Sentence of the Week!

Next week’s assignment: read up to chapter 19, page 250 in our editions.

Conor’s novel The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe is available here.

We have logo t-shirts and one depicting the inflatable cow that is the original hell of a rig! They are available here. Shirt designs by Lucas Antoniak, whose work is here.

Check out our 2018 RiffTrax Kickstarter. Stretch goals announced soon!

Episode 12 – The Hot Geek Girl Laughed at my Episode Title Feb 23, 2018

Mike and Conor cover an absolutely thrilling stretch of Armada in this episode. Hold your breath because we’re about to discuss all of this: not one but TWO phone contact exchanging scenes, not one but TWO briefings in a large auditorium, and to cap it all off: an EULA acceptance scene!!!

We’ll also explore some of the unintentional comedy in the book, fail miserably in identifying fan fic or real, and shatter the world record for use of the word “Clineian”.

Your assignment for next week: read up to Chapter 16, page 205 in our version.

We have t-shirts now! They are available here. Shirt designs by Lucas Antoniak, whose work is here.

Conor wrote a novel! It’s better than Armada! Buy it here.

Check out our 2018 RiffTrax Kickstarter. We’ll be announcing stretch goals soon and there’s one our listeners may be particularly excited about…

Episode 11 – Insanely hot (but relateable) moms Feb 09, 2018

In this episode we meet Zack’s insanely hot TV addicted gamer mom. Turns out the Hot but Relateable Mom trope isn’t just a Clineian invention, and Conor reveals where he’s seen it turn up recently.

Also, Mike was able to pull some strings and secure a scene from the movie version of Armada, a movie so secret, it hasn’t even been announced yet! Some of those actors sound familiar…

There’s more Star Wars than you can shake a rig at, but also inexplicably Vanilla Sky and The Edge of Tomorrow references, not to mention Dumb Sentences, Boring Sentences, and some incredibly creative fanfic submitted by listeners!

Your next assignment: Read up to chapter 12, page 148 in our edition. We’ll take next week off as Mike travels to London for two RiffTrax Live shows.

Episode 10 – What Have We Done? Feb 02, 2018

In this first fifty pages of Armada, our hero sees a flying saucer, reads a giant list of movie release dates, and then goes to work. Somehow we talked about this sequence of events for 1 hour and 20 minutes.

We also get caught up on what Conor and Mike read in between Cline novels, read about someone watching someone else play a video game, and learn the origin of this mysterious sword “Excalibur” that our hero mentions.

Next week read up to the start of Phase Two, that’s page 97 in our edition. Resist the urge to throw the book and keep the Dumb Sentences, Boring Sentences, and Fanfic coming!

Episode 9 – Season 2: Armada Jan 26, 2018

We’re back with a new season! Join us as we read Ernest Cline’s followup to RP1, Armada. We’re extremely excited to read what is widely regarded as Cline’s bad novel.

We’ll talk about our expectations, see if we can guess whether a critic was reviewing RP1 or Armada, and play a quick round of Real or Fanfic.

If you choose to read along, your first assignment is to read up to Chapter 4, that’s page 47 in our edition. Thanks for listening!

Episode 8 – 1980s Reference Oct 27, 2017

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

We’re done!!! After one last robot fight, video game speedrun, and rote recitation of a popular “geek” movie, we’ve finally reached the titular 372nd page.

Tune in for the Dumb Sentence of the Book, one last Fan-Fic or Real, Great Moments in Villains with Tiny Robots, and some extremely creative listener emails. Nathan’s alternate ending skit is available here and Taylor’s song is available here.

We are auctioning off the copies of RP1 we read to make this podcast with all proceeds going to charity. Check them out here, please, we want them out of our houses.

Thank you for joining us on this journey! We’ll maybe be back with another title, after we take in some creative work that is actually good.

Episode 7 – 1973 Was My Favorite Year in the 80s Oct 20, 2017

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

In this episode, Wade Watts faces the possibility of a lifetime of slavery! But then he gets out of it easily thanks to his hacking prowess, which he totally has had all along but forgot to mention.

We’ll talk the unceasing cultural relevance of the “hang in there baby” motivational poster, the concept of Performative Niceness, and revisit some of Wade and Aech’s most meaningful conversations, where they connected on a purely mental level in the most intimate way possible.

Your assignment for next week: finish the damn book!

Episode 6 – Rush for a Change of Atmosphere Oct 12, 2017

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

Join us in our detailed recreation of the living room from Family Ties for Episode 6! The gunt is in it’s homestretch, so what better time to pause your novel for a detailed description of the plot of Blade Runner. We’ll also play Black Tiger, but not the version you’re familiar with! (Get this: it’s slightly different.)

We’ll also test Mike’s ability to spot fake Rush lyrics, and listen to another EXCLUSIVE excerpt of a leaked scene from the Ready Player One movie!

This episode covers chapters 25 thru 29 of Ready Player One. For next week, read thru Chapter 33, page 326 in our edition.

This is a book club, so get in touch! We’re on twitter and facebook, our personal twitters are @clastowka and @michaeljnelson or send us an email 372pages@gmail.com

Episode 5 – Several Discreet Openings Oct 05, 2017

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

This week we’re talking Wade’s Rig. And folks — it is a hell of a rig. We’ll also discuss the seemingly booming post-apocalyptic economy that makes all this gunting possible, venture into the immersive world of text adventure games, and visit several game rooms, bowling alleys and pizza joints. It’s all very classic.

All this plus… Well, if you’re read chapter 19, you know what we have to talk about.

This episode covers chapters 19 thru 24 of Ready Player One. For next time, read thru chapter 29, page 282 in our edition.

This is a book club, so get in touch! We’re on twitter and facebook, our personal twitters are @clastowka and @michaeljnelson or send us an email 372pages@gmail.com

Episode 4 – Delightful 80’s References and Several Hundred Dead Children! Sep 28, 2017

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

We’ll discuss whether eating rotted Greenland shark meat is better than Ready Player One, take a thrilling look at server redundancy and connection lag, analyze various rigs, and examine what has to be one of the top three most romantic chat logs we’ve ever read.

PLUS, Mike has gunted deep into the dark web to track down audio of an EXCLUSIVE scene from the upcoming RP1 movie! All this plus Fanfic or Real and the Dumb Sentence of the Week!

This episode covers chapters 14 thru 18 of Ready Player One. For next time, read thru chapter 24, page 240 in our edition.

This is a book club, so get in touch! We’re on twitter and facebook, our personal twitters are @clastowka and @michaeljnelson or send us an email 372pages@gmail.com

Episode 3 – Ducks and Hairy Knuckled Chucks Sep 13, 2017

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

It’s another classic episode of 372 Pages We’ll Never Get Back!

We’ll guess whether passages came from RP1 Fan Fiction or the novel itself, break down our hero’s obsession with the definitely-a-sexy-lady Art3mis, guess what’s in James Halliday’s bedroom, and check in with Edgar Nash: Gunter Expert! Then we’ll read some listener mail and nominate the Dumb Sentence of the Week.

This episode covers chapters 9 thru 13 of Ready Player One. For next time, read thru chapter 18, page 189 in our edition.

This is a book club, so get in touch! We’re on twitter and facebook, our personal twitters are @clastowka and @michaeljnelson or send us an email 372pages@gmail.com

Episode 2 – A List and a Lich Sep 08, 2017

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

Update your Gunter Wiki, crapburgers, it’s time for a new episode! This week we calibrate our tastes with Mike’s, delve into the delightful parenthetical autistism of James Halliday, take a closer look at the infamous “List” that initially caught our attention, discuss the danger of taking the advice to “write what you know”, and crown our Dumbest Sentence of the Week!

This episode covers chapters 4 thru 8 of Ready Player One. For next time, read thru chapter 13, page 133 in our edition.

Send us your Dumb Sentence of the Week! We’re on twitter and facebook, our personal twitters are @clastowka and @michaeljnelson or send us an email 372pages@gmail.com

#372pages

Episode 1 – A Miniseries About a Housecoat Sep 01, 2017

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

In this episode, we’ll learn how calibrated your tastes are with Conor’s, meet our Rubenesque main characters, discuss the book’s generously amorphous definition of 80s pop culture, examine how hard it is to pull of convincing computer operating systems in entertainment, and wonder what possible role the undercurrent of atheism could possibly play in the book about Atari games.

This episode covers the introduction and first three chapters of Ready Player One. For next time, read thru Chapter 8, page 86 in our edition.

Want something good to read? Get Conor’s book, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe!

Episode 0 – A Book We’re Probably Going to Hate Aug 25, 2017

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

Welcome to 372 Pages We’ll Never Get Back! This is a podcast book club where we are reading the bestselling novel Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. In this episode, Mike and Conor lay out their expectations, examine some of the critical praise for the book, and take a quiz to see which great works of literature they will not be reading at the expense of Ready Player One.

Your reading assignment before the next episode: the Introduction and Chapters 1-3 (this is 46 pages in our edition.)

If you have any questions or ideas as you read along please send them our way! We’re on twitter and facebook, our personal twitters are @clastowka and @michaeljnelson or send us an email 372pages@gmail.com

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