19 Nocturne Boulevard

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19 Nocturne Boulevard - THE DEADEYE KID (Reissue of the week) Jun 23, 2022

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When reformed gunslinger Lemual Roberts (formerly the Deadeye Kid) and his sidekick, British travel writer Clarence Fanshaw, roll into town, things sometimes get a bit... spirited.... But sorting out a feud in Ozark hill country might be more than they can handle. Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Sheriff Nell - Hillary Dixon Bartender - Joel Harvey DRUMMONDS Eb Drummond - Dan Conklin Jake Drummond - Jake Stratton TARBOXES Abner Tarbox - Bill Hollweg (of Brokensea Audio) Hap Tarbox - Reynaud LeBoeuf Marilee Tarbox - Beverly Poole Jenfaire Tarbox - Jody Montague Harmonica music by Jere Canote (Canote.com) Other Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock Cover Photo: Lauren Burbank (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's hill country somewhere in the Old West..." ********************************************************************** THE DEADEYE KID Cast: Olivia Lemuel Roberts (Deadeye Kid), retired gun, seen it all Clarence Fanshaw, British writer, highfaluting Hap Tarbox, last of the Tarboxes Jake Drummond, last of the Drummonds Marilee Tarbox, cause of the feud Jenfaire Tarbox, Marilee's sister Abner Tarbox, "old man" of the Tarboxes Eb Drummond, old and more than a might tetched Barkeep Sheriff Nell Milford - ex-schoolmarm, talks purty. OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an Ozark cart-road, can't you tell? WESTERN MUSIC AMBIANCE DAYTIME WOODS - BIRDS, ETC. SOUND HOOF BEATS - TWO HORSES LEM Tell me again why you wanted to come on up here? FANSHAW I've told you a dozen times already, old chap. LEM Keep tellin' me and might could I'll believe it some time. FANSHAW [chuckle] I am fascinated by the impact of emigrant culture into the Americas. This particular area of the Ozark Mountain Range was heavily influenced by the Scottish who came here over the years. LEM I never heered no one from hereabouts sounding Scotch. FANSHAW Not surprising, my good man - Scotch is a whiskey. Scottish is an accent. [chuckles] LEM [disgusted] I reckon. FANSHAW And you see, this area is most commonly known for carrying over the Scottish concept of the feud. LEM Well, I guess I did know that. FANSHAW Some feuds in Scotland went on for generations - long after everyone had forgotten the root cause of the conflict. LEM Yup. FANSHAW And this area is so isolated, nothing will have changed much for - oh, 200 years. It's like a window into the past. LEM Speaking of holdin' grudges, Fanshaw, You might not want to say too much - folks round here might still be smartin' from that little dustup with your folks. FANSHAW My folks? LEM You know, hunnert-some years back? FANSHAW Hundred? Oh! Oh, yes. I take your point, Lemuel. Yes. I shall keep mum, then, until we have tested the waters, so to speak, and understand the local population a mite better. LEM Long as you keep shet, I reckon we'll do fine. SOUND JUST THE HORSES FOR A MOMENT SOUND GUNSHOT ABNER Stop right there! SOUND HORSES PULL UP LEM [resigned] Don' want no trouble, podner. ABNER You one o' them? LEM Don' even know who them is. ABNER [hatred oozing] Them Drummonds? LEM Not no Drummond. Don' know no Drummonds. Jest passin' through. Name's Lemuel Roberts. ABNER Roberts? You the Deadeye Kid? LEM [sigh, weary] Used t'be. I's retired. ABNER But you don't stand with them Drummonds? LEM I stand pretty much as you see me. ABNER [thinks a moment] You's s'posed to be mighty good with a shootin' iron - any chance you'd like a job? LEM I don' take sides. ABNER It wooden take long. You and me, we cud end this hyear thing once and fer all. LEM [sigh] I ain't a shootist no more. Fight yer own battles. SOUND HOOVES, CONTINUING UNTIL STOPPED FANSHAW [whispered] I say, what if he shoots you in the back? LEM [snort] Won't make no never mind. He ain't no danger. FANSHAW [realizing something] Oh! [beat] I'm always surprised that you see things like that so much more clearly than I. LEM Yep. [dry sarcasm] I'm the lucky one. MUSIC AMBIANCE WESTERN TOWN SOUND ONE SET OF BOOTS ON WOOD SOUND SALOON DOOR OPENS, BOOTS STOP AMBIANCE SALOON PEOPLE [talking, slight lull in conversations] SOUND BOOTS CONTINUE, DOOR SWINGS SHUT PEOPLE [Conversation resumes] FANSHAW [quietly] You certainly know how to make an entrance. LEM [quietly] Don' see too many strangers hereabouts. BARKEEP Certainly don't. We're a mite off the beaten path. What'll you have? LEM Whiskey. FANSHAW I could do with some myself. LEM [sighs, then loud, to bartender] I dint see no sign. What's the name of this here town? BARKEEP Locknaw. FANSHAW [excited, but still very quiet] I knew it! I'm quite sure there's a castle Lochnaw - I shall have to look that up. SOUND ONE GLASS BEING SET DOWN AND POURED BARKEEP Like I said, we don' get many strangers hereabouts. No need fer a sign. LEM Reckon so. [drinks quickly, reacts] I heerd tell of some feudin' up this way? P'raps why you get no company? BARKEEP Did that blasted Hap Tarbox try and hold you up? [calling] Sheriff? LEM No, no - I met someone, but he was might near civil. FANSHAW You call that civil? SOUND OFF - CREAK OF CHAIR, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH LEM They ain't no need fer... You-- you all gotta female sheriff? FANSHAW I say--! BARKEEP [hurriedly, under his breath] She's the only one no one-- SOUND FOOTSTEPS STOP SHERIFF NELL I'm Sheriff Milford, but most folks just call me Sheriff Nell. LEM Don' take you very serious, do they? SHERIFF NELL They don't have much choice. Is there anything I can help you with? BARKEEP Tarbox's up to it again. SHERIFF NELL That's preposterous. I've got him locked up. What's your name, stranger? LEM [reluctant, but rapid] Lemuel Roberts. I saw someone-- BARKEEP [belligerently, resents sheriff] Someone tried to stop him in the road and it surely weren't Abner Tarbox. FANSHAW I say, why? LEM [trying to calm them] Dint nobody try to stop me. I was just sayin I met someone on the road. SHERIFF NELL What did he look like? LEM I dint-- FANSHAW Just under 6 feet tall, ginger hair, perhaps 60 years old, ruddy complexion-- LEM [undertone] tsch. [up] --Dint get a good look at him. He'us in the brush. BARKEEP That's Hap-- SHERIFF NELL Hush. Let's have a seat. SOUND FOOTSTEPS SHERIFF NELL This ...person... did he say anything? SOUND SQUEAK OF CHAIRS LEM Ast if I was Tarbox or Drummond. When I said I dint know neither one from Adam, he passed on... on by. FANSHAW [chuckle] SHERIFF NELL When was this? LEM n'hour or so. See here, what's a'goin' on? FANSHAW Yes, this is perfectly fascinating! SHERIFF NELL [sigh] Tarbox - Drummond feud. Started long before I arrived in town. They've just about managed to kill each other off. The only ones still fighting are Hap Tarbox and Jake Drummond, and neither one has any children, so Locknaw's just keeping its head down until one or both is done in. LEM And you're the only one they all-- SHERIFF NELL I was made sheriff because I'm the only one in town with no kin on either side. I came to Locknaw as schoolmarm, if you can believe it. SHERIFF NELL (continues) Took this on since it was the only way to keep them from shooting up the town every Friday night. Now they just terrorize each other - and strangers. FANSHAW Perhaps we can help? LEM I'm not much of one fer interferin'-- SHERIFF NELL That isn't what I've heard, Mister Roberts. LEM [Sigh] FANSHAW Your reputation precedes you. LEM I cain't never get away from it. FANSHAW [with Nell] Double negative. [chuckles at Nell's reaction] SHERIFF NELL [with Fanshaw] You shouldn't use a double negative like that. [NOTE she does not react to Fanshaw's comment.] LEM I don't rightly care. SHERIFF NELL I'm so sorry. Old habits. I'm-- [sigh] Sorry. If you truly don't want to interfere, I'll-- LEM I dint not say that - neither. SHERIFF NELL [laughs] FANSHAW You're smarter than you act sometimes, "podner." LEM Only, it's more on account of what I used to be, than what I am, if you take my drift. SHERIFF NELL I'm afraid I don't. Quite. FANSHAW He's a reformed man. Trying to make up for the things he feels he has done wrong. LEM Let's just say that if I still were who I was, I'd prob'ly be wantin' money fer this. Being who I am now, I'm just tryin' to -- well, get inta providence's good books. SHERIFF NELL Expiation. FANSHAW My precise word. LEM Naw, just payin' back for my sins. MUSIC AMBIANCE WOODS, ONE SET OF FOOTSTEPS IN UNDERBRUSH FANSHAW Are you sure this is safe? LEM You don' have to come along. You're sumpin' of a trial. FANSHAW That's the sort of thanks I get! If it were not for me-- LEM You know I don' mind the comp'ny, I jest meant-- SOUND LOUD SNAP OF TWIG FANSHAW Was that--? LEM A twig. We should be jest about there, if'n I reckon right. [grunt] Yep - it's cleared out over thataway. FANSHAW That will make a delightful change. SOUND CRUNCHING THROUGH BRUSH, THEN FEET ON DIRT FANSHAW [low] I say, look there, Lemuel. LEM [low] I see her. [up, very deferential] Ma'am? Ma'am? MARILEE [gasps, taken completely by surprise] Oh! LEM Ma'am, please, we don' mean no-- FANSHAW --any-- LEM --no harm. Jest want to set and talk for a spell. Are you Marilee Tarbox? I was told I might find you hereabouts. MARILEE [utterly bewildered] I-- I-- What are you doing here? FANSHAW We've come to speak with you, my dear young lady, about the - ahem - altercation between the Tarbox family and the Drummonds. MARILEE I'm afeared that'us all my doin'. LEM That's why we come. Can you bear to tell it? MARILEE I'us s'posed to marry my removed cousin Abner Tarbox, but I'us took with love for Eb Drummond. So young and fetchin-- FANSHAW How utterly tragic! MARILEE Ayep! As t'was, I dint make it nowheres. Never did get to church. After-- well, Abner and all brought me back here, and here I's stayed. FANSHAW And of course, Abner couldn't marry you, after all that had happened-- MARILEE [shocked] That's crazy talk! LEM Don' pay Fanshaw no mind. He's furren. They talk plumb crazy all the time. FANSHAW Lemuel! LEM Miss Marilee, so you's tellin' us that it was you harin' off that started up the feud? MARILEE S'all I know about. [ashamed] O'course, no one much talks to me no more. FANSHAW That is most definitely their loss, miss Tarbox. You are as lovely as a veritable posey in springtime. MARILEE [smiling] Crazy but sweet, aincha just? MUSIC SOUND MORE BUSHWHACKING FANSHAW I don't see what more we need to know - Miss Marilee's abscondance was the root of the conflict. LEM I jest don't see it. It ain't -- drastic enough, to my mind. FANSHAW Trust me, it takes very little to set Scottish blood afire, even at this far remove! SOUND GUN SHOT FANSHAW Was that--? LEM Yup. That one WAS. Stay here. SOUND DROP HEAVY BAG ON HARD GROUND LEM [Calling] I ain't yer enemy! Whoever y'are, I ain't none o' this! Jest want some palaver. JAKE Ain't a Tarbox? LEM Wouldn't even if'n I could. FANSHAW [off] I'm not even going to try... LEM [low] Hesh. [up] Can I come on? You see my hands, a'right? JAKE [beat] All right. Come on, then. LEM [to Fanshaw] Keep shut. I don't fancy getting' kilt here. FANSHAW [off, fading] Right-ho, Lem. SOUND WADING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH JAKE Who are you, then? LEM Lemuel Roberts. You can call me Lem. EB [coming on, wheezy] Looks like a Tarbox t'me. JAKE Lem. I'm Jake. You holdin' iron? LEM Left it yonder. JAKE [grunt of acceptance] So what you come fer? EB He's scouting fer them. LEM How bout you'n'I set a spell? JAKE I reckon we cud do that. Lord'a'mighty, put yer hands down - you look right silly. LEM Thankee kindly. [grunt as he sits] EB You cain't trust him, cain't trust none'o them! JAKE Lemuel Roberts. Seems like I heered that name somewheres. EB He's the Deadeye Kid! Just goes to show them Tarboxes are yeller enough to hire theyselves a gun! LEM [grudgingly] Folks sometimes call me... the Deadeye Kid. JAKE Thassit! [suddenly suspicious] Them Tarboxes, they pay y'all to come on up here? LEM Nope. [sighs] I-- I don't rightly know why I'm gettin' inta the middle o' this-- EB He's a low-down dirty liar! Check and see if he got him a forked tongue. LEM Mister Drummond, I reckon the only folks I'm speakin' for here is the town. They ast me to try and stop all this trouble, and here I am. They jest ast me cuz I don't haveta live here, and I-- well, I guess I ain't a‑scared of much. [slight snort] EB You shud be! My boy here can shoot the eye out a silver eagle at twenny paces! JAKE [snort of disbelief] Y'all are gonna sort this here out? Cain't think how you spect to do that. This'us been goin' on for a donkey's years, and Hap ain't about to rein in none. He's a curly wolf 'n no mistake. Time and again, I tried to reach some kinder accord with him, but - well, I shore wooden be s'prised to find that boy was plumb rabid. EB That whole family got polecat in it somewheres. Ain't none of the menfolk right in the head. LEM But you'ud set down if'n he did? JAKE [blows out air, thinking, then doubtful] I reckon I cud, but I cain't see my way to trustin' him, nohow. He'd lie soon as look atcha. EB Don't you go trustin' them Tarboxes, boy! LEM If I sort this out right, he shou'n't have nothin' left to be afired up about. JAKE He was borned afired up. Hmm... [beat] Well, [slaps his thighs] Least I can be hospitable. You a drinkin' man? LEM I wouldn't say no to a snort. SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER AS JAKE GETS UP JAKE [going off] Be right back. SOUND FEET ON GRAVEL WALK AWAY LEM [waits a second, then] And you, sir? EB Me? Eh? No one lissens to me! LEM Might you be Eb Drummond? EB [sly] I might.... but not to any Tarbox. LEM Marilee sends her love. EB [flabbergasted] Marilee? How'd you know Marilee? LEM Talked to her, jest as I'm talking to you now. Figgered the boy wouldn't understand, so I waited to tell you. EB She-- Is she--? LEM I spect she's much as you remember her. They never managed to get her hitched, if that's what you're worrying about. EB Then ...what happened--? SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL RETURNING JAKE Make it myself. Old granddad's receipt. EB Boy does take after me. SOUND CREAK AS JAKE SITS SOUND BOTTLE TOP OFF, POUR INTO TIN CUP JAKE Get yerself around that, then. LEM [reacts - powerful, but not bad] JAKE [chuckles] Kicks, eh? LEM [coughing slightly] Like a cougar in a carrysack. EB Yep. Bites and scratches all the way down. JAKE [chuckles] EB Boy! Yes you. LEM [very understated] Hmm? SOUND OCCASIONAL SIPPING, POUR OF ANOTHER DRINK, THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING EB [whispering throughout] Them Tarboxes, they said Marilee brought me a poke of gold coins, as a dowry-like-- JAKE So you're fixin' to end the feud? LEM Yep. EB --and that's what started the intire mess. When they - they ...found her-- JAKE I'd be happier than a pig in swill if this was over. EB --the coins weren't nowhere. She never had 'em! JAKE I cud settle down. EB You b'lieve me, dontcha? JAKE Maybe raise me up some kids. LEM Yep. [slight change in emphasis] Sounds mighty nice. JAKE It's Hap Ta…

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Atomic Julie - The Amateurs by Alan Cogan Jun 23, 2022

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In a future where everyone must die at 65, or when they fail to be functioning parts of society, all that is left to choose is the method...

19 Nocturne Boulevard - A STITCH IN TIME - Reissue of the week Jun 17, 2022

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A poor but nerdy taxidermist is hired to mount the trophy of a lifetime. Cast List Debra Meeks - Emmatrice Devan Curt - Cole Hornaday Dougie - George Dunn Da Boss - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Olsen - Femnomena Zalmoxis - Danar Hoverson Roderick - Julie Hoverson Music by Deied Theme music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson [Taxidermy pics used with permission from Custom Creature Taxidermy Arts] "What kind of a place is it? Why, it's the street outside a taxidermist's workshop, can't you tell?" ************************************************************************ A STITCH IN TIME Cast: Olivia Debra Meeks, lonely taxidermist Curt Buchner, low-level thug Dougie Block, ranking thug William Buchner, high-level cultist Mrs. Olsen, next door with cats Zalmoxis, ancient god OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the street outside a taxidermist's workshop, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND INSIDE CAR NOISES (not driving), RAIN SOUND RADIO TURNS OFF, MUSIC OUT CURT [sincere] Nice night. DOUGIE Nice? You like rain? CURT [eager] Yeah. Course, it's better when there's lightning too. DOUGIE You wouldn't want to be in the car then - too much metal CURT [eager] Oh, no, just the opposite - the tires would protect us. Keep us from being grounded. DOUGIE Right. Whatever. CURT [musing] Especially wouldn't want to be outside if you had a metal plate in your head. DOUGIE A what? [half a laugh] How many people do you actually know with a freaking metal plate in their head? CURT Um... [thinks] six. DOUGIE Six? you know six freaking people with -- Nah! You're so full of shit your eyes are brown. CURT Six. Benny the geek, Mr. Jones, my gramps - got his in Okinawa, my uncle Lenny - in Nam, my niece Bevvy-- DOUGIE Your niece? She see action overseas too? CURT Don't be silly, she's five. Playground accident, but she's doing fine - her dad even shaved his head to match hers so she won't feel so self-conscious til her hair grows back to cover the scar. DOUGIE So who's number six? CURT Hmm? DOUGIE That's five, who's six? CURT Oh! [chuckles] Me. DOUGIE Great, runs in the family. CURT Guess you could say that. I-- DOUGIE Oops. Time to bring in the packages. Don't want to be late - you know the boss. SOUND GETTING OUT OF THE CAR DOUGIE "D. Meeks, Taxidermy" Hey - that's funny, "D. Meeks" CURT Huh? DOUGIE You know, D. Meeks'll inherit D Earth, and all that. [laughs] CURT [missed it by a mile] Oh. Um, I guess so. DOUGIE [Exasperated noise] MUSIC DEBRA [very uncomfortable, searching for excuses] Never done anything big - I mean, I did take a prize for mounting a bear, but it was a really really small brown. WILLIAM ["mob boss"] I don't think you understand my... uh... position, dear lady. I have come to you, not with a request, but a requirement. DEBRA But why me? WILLIAM I have seen your work, and know of the prizes you have taken, and believe you are the only one who can do the job I need done with the grace and skill I need it to be done with. SOUND THUMPING AS SOMETHING BIG AND HEAVY IS DROPPED IN HALL. THEN A TENTATIVE KNOCK AT THE DOOR WILLIAM [sigh] Both of which are qualities sorely lacking these days. [sigh] Raoul, let them in. SOUND FOOTSTEPS DEBRA What exactly do you need stuffed? WILLIAM We will get to that in a moment, first-- SOUND DOOR OPENS WILLIAM --Ah, Curt, Dougie, so glad you could join us. DEBRA [quiet, to herself] That's funny, I once had a cat named Doogie. No, that's wrong - I once stuffed a cat named Doogie. DOUGIE [fawning] Glad to help, Mr. Williams. SOUND DOOR CLOSES WILLIAM The young lady here is Debra Meeks - a true artiste. I believe you have something for her, Dougie? DEBRA [quiet, to herself] Doogie mouser. DOUGIE Right here, Mr. Williams. CURT [Snickers, getting her joke] SOUND FOOTSTEPS, BRIEFCASE SET ON BENCH, LATCHES SNAP, CASE OPENS DEBRA Holy crow! Is that--? WILLIAM Two-hundred, fifty thousand dollars. Which, coincidentally, is just about twice your total debts, what with the failing business and the house and all - rounded up, of course, since no one likes small change... DEBRA And I just have to do the one job? WILLIAM Just one. But I must have your absolute assurance and agreement before I can show you the subject in question. DEBRA [thinking, muttering] I could really-- SOUND SQUEAKY TOY DEBRA --really use that, wouldn't have to do any more crummy data entry-- WILLIAMS The offer expires in 30 seconds, my dear young lady. Please think quickly. DEBRA [muttered] Hang gliding, jello body rub, Trip to Mall of America, scatter dad properly... WILLIAMS Five. Four. Three. DEBRA All right. Whatever you want. WILLIAMS I do require absolute discretion. Can you guarantee that? DEBRA Ye-es. Yes. WILLIAMS Good. Why don't you boys bring in the other package. DOUGIE Gotcha. Sir. SOUND DOOR OPENS AGAIN, HEAVY ITEM ROLLED IN DEBRA [gasp] MUSIC DEBRA [hyperventilating into a paper bag] CURT Come on, it ain't that bad. DEBRA But -- [gasp, goes back into bag] CURT You musta seen all kinds of dead things before. SOUND BAG SNATCHED AWAY, SQUEAKY TOY STARTS UP DEBRA Not a person! CURT Just think of it as a really big ... badger or something. WILLIAMS [off, sweet] Are you ready to hear the rest of your commission, Miss Meeks? [harder] Curt? CURT [calling over shoulder] Just about. [back to her] Come on. DEBRA Badger. Right. [deep breath] A big, [gasp] bald, [breath] badger. [bad accent] We don't need no steenkin'-- CURT [low] You might want to stop with the squeaking. I think it's getting on the boss's nerves. DEBRA The..? SOUND SLOW LET GO OF THE SQUEAK DEBRA Oh. It helps with stress. CURT Yours, maybe - but his...? Ya know. DEBRA Um-hmm. SOUND SQUEAKY OUT WILLIAMS So glad you could rejoin us. I apologize for the shock this must be, but you see now why I was forced to extract your agreement before I could show you the subject? DEBRA Uh-huh. SOUND SLOW SQUEAK, IN-OUT MUSIC DEBRA [irritated, "move out of my way"] Excuse me. DOUGIE [snort] DEBRA Can you bring ... that ...on in here? I have to... well, I have to see what needs to be done. DOUGIE It's not as heavy as it looks. Get it yourself. I'm just supposed to keep an eye on you. Make sure you don't phone no one or louse this up. DEBRA Your boss said you were supposed to make sure I got it done right. DOUGIE Yeah, well, who's stopping you? DEBRA [loud sigh/growl of exasperation] SOUND ANGRY FOOTSTEPS, TRYING TO MOVE A HEAVY OBJECT [COFFIN] ON WHEELS, BUT BANGING INTO WALLS DEBRA This is a two person job! DOUGIE I ain't in the mortician's union. DEBRA Fine. SOUND COFFIN LID RAISES, SLAMS INTO WALL DEBRA It would be the feet end. [sigh] Ok -- ew! SOUND SCUFFLE OF FABRIC, SQUEAKY TOY GOES A MILE A MINUTE DOUGIE Leave off, already! DEBRA He's still warm! Ew! MUSIC SOMBER, FUNEREAL SOUNDS THROUGHOUT, ODD PLOPS AND DRIPS, CUTTING NOISES CURT So if you've won all these awards, how come you're broke? DEBRA Not much call for taxidermy, these days - PETA, all that. We fly a little under the radar, since fur coats are a bigger splash in the news, but we take our share of flack. SOUND HEAVY PLOP CURT So why do it? DEBRA I'm good at it. You don't stop doing something you're good at just cause no one cares, do ya? CURT But what if what you're good at doesn't ... well... get you anywhere? SOUND ALL AMBIANCE STOPS, EXCEPT DRIPPING NOISES DEBRA [wipes face with back of sleeve] Like what? CURT I ran track. A lot. But what does that do for you, unless you want to be a fugitive on Cops? DEBRA [giggles] CURT Why're you taking off your glasses? DEBRA Just trying to picture you with your face all blurred out. SOUND CUTTING AND NOISES BEGIN AGAIN, A MOMENT OF JUST THIS, THEN: DEBRA How'd you go from track to - um - CURT Wiseguy? DEBRA Is that what it's called? CURT Good enough. [shrugs] Mister Williams is my uncle. It ain't a bad job. [beat] What got you into this? This dead animal stuff? DEBRA Promise you won't laugh? SOUND SQUEAKY TOY CURT Sure. DEBRA No really, promise. CURT I promise. DEBRA I was about seven. It was a - bad time. My folks were using me as the tug in a divorce tug-o-war, so I took apart my teddy bear, to see what made him squeak. I very carefully picked out the stitches and pulled this out‑‑ SOUND SQUEAKY TOY CURT Your keychain? DEBRA No, I put it on there years later. CURT Most kids, when they operate on a toy, decide to become doctors. [shrug] Or serial killers. DEBRA Yeah, but I restuffed and sewed him back up again. Over and over again. I kept sewing different things into him, too. Trying to see how much I could hide in there. SOUND BIG PLOP DEBRA Uhhh. Hand me the hose? MUSIC AMBIANCE SCRAPING SOUNDS DEBRA I had to choose between maintaining the carcass or the skin. Your boss indicated he needed the skin as intact as possible-- SOUND MAGAZINE PAGE TURNS DOUGIE Whatever. You know, I ain't actually listening to you. DEBRA --So I won't be able to make a mold from the original carcass, since I'm having to sacrifice the smaller bits, like fingers-- What? DOUGIE I'm not listening. DEBRA Why not? You could learn something. DOUGIE I could also lose my lunch. [sigh] SOUND MAGAZINE SLAPPED DOWN DOUGIE How does a moderately cute dame like you end up elbow deep in guts on a daily basis? DEBRA I-- I don't know. SOUND SQUEAKY TOY A COUPLE OF TIMES DOUGIE You almost done here? The boss is supposed to be back with your next set of instructions this evening. DEBRA Just the hardest bits are left - you know - very delicate, paper thin skin, lots of crenellations. I wonder if I could just cut 'em off, hollow 'em out, and rebuild 'em later? DOUGIE [very creeped] Ohhhhh. Now I'm really not listening. Urp. SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR DEBRA What's he got against ears? MUSIC WILLIAMS And the progress? DEBRA I got the hide off, but it's not all in one piece - humans just don't come apart that easily. Our... skin... is really ...um.... too thin. I can stitch it back together, but there's also no pelt to cover up the stitches-- WILLIAMS The stitches will be fine. And I've brought you the stuffing materials-- DEBRA Mounting. We prefer "mounting". Anyway, really what I need next is a drum of grease cutter - mild dishwashing liquid'll do - don't want anything too harsh that'll dry out the-- WILLIAMS Dougie will get it for you. [an order] Won't you Dougie? For now, I have brought you your mounting materials. You understand that it is very important to use what I brought and only what I brought. I even have special thread for you to use for stitching it all up again. DEBRA But I - I need a framework - heavy sculpted foam works just fine, [slowing a bit] though I can't exactly order off the rack for-- WILLIAMS You may have noticed this project is ... unique. SOUND RUSTLE OF A LARGE SHEAF OF PAPERS WILLIAMS I have very specific requirements as to how you are to proceed. SOUND KNOCK AT THE DOOR WILLIAMS What is that? You were supposed to-- SOUND SQUEAKY TOY GOES LIKE CRAZY DEBRA I'll tell them to go away. DOUGIE [menacing] If you don't I will. MRS. OLSEN [muffled] Debbie? Dear? It's time! DEBRA Oh, jeez. WILLIAMS What? DEBRA My landlady Mrs. Olsen - we have this standing agreement that whenever one of her cats dies, She brings it on in. MRS. OLSEN Debbie? I know you're in there! DEBRA I'll go get Roderick and put him on ice until I'm done with [swallows nervously] your project. WILLIAMS Won't she notice if it takes longer than usual? DEBRA Nah. She's pretty gone - up there. I'll just keep telling her she only brought him in yesterday... SOUND DOOR UNLOCKS DEBRA Psst. Don't let her see you. DOUGIE Hmph. SOUND DOOR OPENS MRS. OLSEN Oh, there you are, Debbie. Did I catch you in the crapper? I'm so sorry, but poor Mr. Roderick's time has come. DEBRA I'm so very sorry. MRS. OLSEN That's all right. He's in a better place. Cream and honey. Cream and honey. Here's his poor little body. You always do such a good job for me, Debbie. DEBRA I know. Yeah. I'll bring him back to you when he's ready to rejoin the family. MRS. OLSEN So kind. Now I must get home - Roderick's about to have kittens! SOUND DOOR SHUTS DOUGIE I thought ... Roderick was dead. DEBRA She names all her cats Roderick. Saves on changing the names on the bowls. DOUGIE How many have you--? DEBRA Thirty four. DOUGIE How many does she--? DEBRA Depends on how big a litter Roderick has. MUSIC WILLIAMS So, now you have these big bags of-- Dougie? DOUGIE Yeah? Uh, here, boss. SOUND HEAVY BAG DUMPED ON FLOOR, CRUNCHES WILLIAMS We'll just call them Tana leaves. Got it? They must fill up the bulk of the body. SOUND BAG BEING POKED DEBRA They're kind of pokey. Might tear the ... hide. Can I grind them? WILLIAMS Hmm. I don't see why not - but let me get back to you on that before you go off and do something unfortunate. DEBRA Ok. Um... SOUND SQUEAKY TOY WILLIAMS [waits a second, then] Yeah? Speak up? DEBRA I only ask, because it does affect how I do my job, ok? WILLIAMS Only ask what? DEBRA Is this - the whole thing - something that needs to...um....last? Is it going to be moved around a lot? WILLIAMS Let's say - yes. DEBRA And you really sure you don't want a central framework? Not even wire reinforcement? WILLIAMS That's what I said. DEBRA I need to reinforce the hide somehow or those leaves will rub the crap out of it. CURT The skin can tear real easy. DEBRA Yeah. WILLIAMS I'll check on that. You got stuff to do until I get back to you, right? Good. MUSIC SOUND SOMETHING LARGE PULLED OUT OF WATER. DRIPPING CURT What's all that? DEBRA Once all the fat's sloughed, you have to cure the hide. Stop it from rotting. Attracting insects. You know. CURT [shudder] Bugs, man. I hate 'em. DEBRA Why? They're... Well, they're kind of everywhere. CURT That's part of the problem - no matter what you do, they're there. They don't keep out, and they don't go away. DEBRA That's why hating them is so - pointless. CURT Mostly they just creep me out. DEBRA Let me guess. Did you grow up with cockroaches? CURT Palmetto bugs. Huge freaking whistling cockroaches. DEBRA I lived with cockroaches for a while. [almost a chuckle] CURT You think they're funny? DEBRA Only when you spray them with non-stick oven spray by mistake. CURT Why? DEBRA They go sliding down the wall, little legs pumping - ee-eh ee-eh ee-eh. They get completely freaked out. CURT [half teasing] Now you creep me out some too. DEBRA [pleased snicker] MUSIC SOUND PHONE RINGS DOUGIE [around a mouthful] Figures. [quickly swallows] DEBRA Shouldn't you get that? DOUGIE Tell me somethin I don't know. [one last gulp] SOUND PHONE PICKED UP DOUGIE Yeah? Right. Fer you. DEBRA Ok. [really hesitant] Hello? SOUND SQUEAKY TOY - one squeak WILLIAMS [phone] I got an answer for you. On the leaves. DEBRA Uh huh? WILLIAMS [phone] No grinding. Apparently that's out. You can cut them up some. I'll show you. I'm also bringing some other things you can use for packing. DEBRA Oh. Good. WILLIAMS [phone] We don't want him walking around like a big old teabag, eh? DEBRA [trying to keep it in, but it comes out a whisper] Walking? SOUND SQUEAKY TOY WILLIAMS [phone] Uh. Figure of speech. DEBRA Goodbye. [gulps] SOUND SQUEAKY TOY, SLOW RELEASE MUSIC SOUND THREAD BEING SNIPPED DEBRA There. That's nice. That thread hardly shows, doesn't it? DOUGIE [off] You talking to the dead guy again? DEBRA [covering] No. S…

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19 Nocturne Boulevard - AN HOUR TO KILL (Reissue of the Week) Jun 10, 2022

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A town with a strange secret, ripe for the picking by three petty criminals. Sounds a bit too easy, doesn't it? Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Claude - Shawn Connor Lenny - Cole Hornaday Charlie - Risa Torres Host - Bob Noble Bank Teller - Beverly Poole Little Girl - Krystal Baker Waitress - Angela Kirby Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a cheap fleabag motel, can't you tell?" ******************************************** AN HOUR TO KILL Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Claude, a thug Lenny, a dumber thug Charlie, Claude's greedy wife Host Bank Teller Little Girl Waitress OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a fleabag motel in the early 50s, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND DRIPPING OF BAD SINK, DISTANT RADIO TALKING LENNY [hushed, excited] I tell you, Claude, it's a done deal! It was Artie told me, and-- CLAUDE [resigned] And Artie's never wrong. Yeah, I know. [up] Whatchoo think, Charlie? CHARLIE Zip it. I'm listening. CLAUDE To what? CHARLIE Whoever's next door has a radio, [barbed] unlike some, and they got the stories on. If youse two mugs can keep yer traps shut, I can just barely make out what happens to be transpiring. LENNY [quiet] It's just over the hill, Claude. Hop skip and a jump. CLAUDE [quiet] Good thing, too, Lenny. That car we nabbed ain't good for much but skipping. LENNY [quiet] And jumping. CLAUDE [chuckles halfhaertedly] So Artie said this town was ripe for the picking? LENNY Yeah, he said it was real weird, but-- CHARLIE [upset] No! What is wrong with this world? CLAUDE [flat, uninterested] I don't know, what's wrong with it? CHARLIE Them on the other side, they turned it off!! And just when Cynthia was about to reveal the name of the guy who ran off and left her with two kids, then changed hs name and married someone else. LENNY What a bum! CLAUDE [undertone] Don't encourage her. [up] Can we talk normal now? CHARLIE Makes no nevermind now. CLAUDE Apparently Artie told Lenny something in stir last week. LENNY And Artie's never wrong! CHARLIE [hard sarcasm] If he ain't never wrong, why's he in the joint? CLAUDE [snorts] LENNY That ain't the point. He found the perfect score. CHARLIE And he told you about it? CLAUDE Yeah, that does seem a little cuckoo. Artie never did like you much. LENNY But he still likes Cherlie there just fine. I think he told me cuz he knows I'd tell you, and that would help her get some of the nice things she deserves. CHARLIE [cutesy] Really? That big a score, then? Artie might have something going for him after all. Maybe I shoulda married him. CLAUDE You said you didn't like monkeys. CHARLIE I was joking. Just cuz he's kinda short and shriveled and stuff don't mean he might not make a good husband. Ugly guys don't run off so often. LENNY Nobody wants 'em. CHARLIE You would know. CLAUDE [long suffering sigh] Let's get back to the job? LENNY It's this town, see? He says the whole town is like loopy, cuz one day a year, for an hour in the middle of the day, the entire town [slow, with import] just falls asleep. CLAUDE [snort] You're loopy. Artie's throwing you a knuckle ball, knucklehead. LENNY No, he was serious - I could see it in his face. CLAUDE The whole town? LENNY Yeah! CLAUDE And how does Artie know this? LENNY He says he was there. Couple years back, said he was hiding out and saw it happen, so he went back again the next year to see, and it happened again. CLAUDE Why ain't he in there robbing the place? LENNY Says he meant to, this year, but he's gonna be sporting stripes for a nickle. [5 years] CLAUDE It makes no damn sense! Why would everybody fall asleep? CHARLIE Maybe it's something in the water. Or get this-- [ramping up] Maybe it's a curse or something, like in that episode of One Step Too Far!! CLAUDE You've gone one step too far if you're gonna believe Artie and this idiot. [to Lenny] Nuttin' personal, Lenny. LENNY Gotcha. CHARLIE What can it hurt? If it's so darn close, why don't we drive over there and see? We can be ready, and if this "see-ester" [siesta] thing happens, then we take advantage. If not... what's it gonna hurt? CLAUDE What day's it supposed to be, Len? LENNY Tomorrow. Or I should say the longest day of the year, since that's what it is - tomorrow is, I mean, but Charlie, you can't come! CHARLIE And why pray tell not, ya big goon? LENNY Artie only told me on account of I promised I'd see to it that you don't go. I think he wants you to come and visit him instead. CLAUDE That's crazy talk. But you shouldn't come, babe. You'll just get in the way. CHARLIE [incensed] I'll just WHAT? CLAUDE I mean-- there might be guns. I wouldn't want you getting shot or nothing. CHARLIE They gotta be pretty talented in this town to shoot ...in their sleep! Besides, you need someone along who can actually tell time, if all you got is just one hour! [fades out] And if this is supposed to be tomorrow, since I have it on good authority - meaning the morning news - that tomorrow is the longest day of the year - then we had better get our sweet little selves ready to move! LENNY [over her diatribe] But I promised Artie-- CLAUDE [over, too - miserable, to Lenny] Just drop it. Trust me. Once she starts with this, she can't even hear no more. CHARLIE You hear me? LENNY [really quiet] Maybe you shoulda let Artie have her. MUSIC AMB IN CAR CLAUDE Whadda we do if it's all a big put-up job? LENNY It ain't - Artie is-- CHARLIE Stifle! If they don't sack out, you mean? In that case, we're just honest, but weary travellers going on our merry way. Zat so hard to buy? CLAUDE We gotta do something. This flivver's on its last legs. CHARLIE There's always something. LENNY You believe in magic, Charlie? CHARLIE Like Houdini stuff? Hah! Back when I was on the stage, the only thing them clip artists could make disappear was my hard earned simoleans. LENNY But this-- CHARLIE [loud] BUT! Dontchoo interupt me there, Lenny. It ain't polite! [quieter] Hmph. I was tryin to say I could maybe believe in magic like miracles and genies and stuff. Just always figured maybe it was all run out in the world, like the electricity in the meter when you're outta slugs. Ya know? CLAUDE [amused hmph] Oh, that's a nice turn of phrase you got right there, Charlie. CHARLIE [smug] And you thought you only married me for my legs. MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE, RURAL SOUND ONE SET OF STEPS ON GRAVEL CLAUDE [relieved and tired] Finally. [sighs] SOUND DOOR OPENS WITH A JINGLE CHARLIE [already arguing] I don't care what kind of hokey-pokey yer pullin here! I want a room and I want it pronto - savvy? CLAUDE [quiet] Oh, lord. [up, weary] What's the noise, sweetcheeks? CHARLIE This fellow says ain't no rooms to be had, not today tonight or any time soon. CLAUDE Yer full up? Out here in the middle of squat all? HOST [old rustic] The young lady misunderstood me. I was trying to explain that this is just a bad day to be here in Lafayette. We got rooms, ayuh, but I wouldn't feel right about just putting you up without warning you folks first. CLAUDE Warning us? Where's Lenny? LENNY [off] I'm pretending I'm somewehre's else. CLAUDE Some help you are. You was saying, pops? HOST [cheerful horror] It's the day we run the hogs. CHARLIE That's disgusting! CLAUDE Hold on, dearest. Let's hear the man out. Hogs, you say? HOST Ayup. Local tradition. Them hogs gets loose all over the town. [self-satisfied] Raise a lotta havoc. Tranple anything that moves, pretty much. CLAUDE It'd be safe in the room, wouldnit? HOST Well, 'spect it oughtta be, but you have to shut the doors and not move an inch. Don't want to call no attention to yerselves. [ominous] Folks round here don' like strangers watching our ways. CLAUDE [sigh] Well, pops, I dunno if you noticed it, but we rode in in the grease monkey's tow. Our heap ain't taking another step, and neither are we. HOST [a little too smug] One room or two? CHARLIE Just get one. Lenny can sleep in the bureau drawer for all I care. HOST [chuckles] CLAUDE Since it's looking we'll need to get a new car soon, I guess one room's all we can spring for. MUSIC SOUND DOOR SHUTS, BAG THROWN DOWN CHARLIE Artie better damn well be right. CLAUDE [hushed] Charlie! Keep it quiet. LENNY [hushed] Even if it works, how we gonna get out of town? CLAUDE We get a new car-- LENNY How? CLAUDE How'd we get the last one, pea-brain? LENNY Oh, right. There must be one or two, even in a boondock like this. CHARLIE The landlord says we got a couple of hours before we gotta hole up [aping his speech] "just enough time to get around some flapjacks". Flapjacks, my eye. They better have a hootch parlor in this flyspeck. CLAUDE Just enough time to case the place. LENNY Oughtn't we to bring the heaters, Claude? CLAUDE Hmm. Nix on that. Don't wanna get caught on the street heeled. CHARLIE Whaddaya mean? So what if someone suspects something? CLAUDE You may hate these chuck towns, Charlie, but their jails ain't nothing to write home about neither. They make our first digs look like the ritz. CHARLIE [disgusted] Oh! MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE. RURAL [note - they're all talking out the side of the mouth] LENNY There's the spoon where the clerk said we could get us some-- CHARLIE Flapjacks? Puh-lease. We got more important things-- LENNY But he got me all hungry, with all his flapjack jabbering. CLAUDE [under his breath] Flapjabbering. [up] Look, we need to split up anyway, cover the ground. Lenny can pick up the skinny at the diner as well as anywhere else. CHARLIE Where you wanna ronder-voo [rondezvous] later? CLAUDE Well... [consdiering] Guess the motel's as good as any place. CHARLIE In forty-five minutes. No more, you big moose! LENNY No sweat - sides, they ain't gonna give me no forty-five minutes worth of flapjacks. Not for what I got on me. SOUND WALKS AWAY CLAUDE And you? CHARLIE I say you and I take the-- [softening] I mean, make a visit to the bank. CLAUDE Who'm I to argue? MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS, DING, A COUPLE STEPS LENNY Hello? SOUND FLAP OF DOOR, HEELS WAITRESS Goodness! I guess I really wan't expecting to see nobody in here today! LENNY Guess not. [pitifiul] Zat mean you're out of food? WAITRESS Mercy, no! We been cooking all day! They'll go through plenty later on, but we can spare a bite or two. What you want? LENNY Flapjacks? WAITRESS [chuckles] You came to the right place. My momma's recipe has taken blue ribbons at the fair for thirty years. Set yourself down, and I'll sling you a stack. SOUND DOOR FLAPS, MUFFLED COOKING NOISES WAITRESS [off some] You want some Java with that? LENNY That'd be real nice. SOUND DOOR FLAPS OPEN, QUICK STEPS WAITRESS Here's your joe, the jacks will be out lickety split. LENNY Hey, uh, the goon at the hotel was saying something about something going on today? WAITRESS Oh, yes. It's the strangest thing, but nothing you gotta worry about - you're just passing through, right? LENNY Oh, no, we're staying at the hotel. WAITRESS [a bit upset] Oh. "We?" Nevermind. You should stay inside, then. It ain't safe being out. LENNY Oh, yeah, he said-- WAITRESS I mean, they're just frogs, right? But they are some vicious slimy little devils. LENNY [baffled] Frogs? WAITRESS Course. Every year they just fall from the sky. No one knows why. Oops-- [sniffs] that's your jacks. Be right back. MUSIC AMB OUTISDE CLAUDE [undertone] Take a peep at the cadillac. CHARLIE That brown heap? CLAUDE Dat ain't brown, ya gob, dat's cham-payne colored. CHARLIE Who you calling a gob, you mug? LITTLE GIRL [off] Hey lady? Would you like a kitten? CLAUDE [[startled] Huh? Oh, Hello little girl. [really false hearty] No, thanks. No kittens for us. You have a real nice day, there. CHARLIE [whispered] Do I look like the kind of chickie who wants some damn animal hanging around? Apart from you, anyway, darling? CLAUDE Watch yer language, there's a kid present. CHARLIE She's probably heard it all. CLAUDE People got manners out in the country. Here's the bank. Stick to the script, babe. CHARLIE Have I ever done you wrong? SOUND DOOR OPENS, SLIGHT ECHO CLAUDE This is nice. CHARLIE [sweet and fake] Oh, honey, maybe everything will be o-k after all! CLAUDE We'll see, dearest. TELLER Can I help you? CHARLIE I'll just have a seat while you handle all that financial mam stuff. CLAUDE [annoyed sigh] You do that. [hearty again] Hello. Sorry about that. TELLER No problem, sir. What can I help you with? CLAUDE We had some car trouble coming into town, and I need to find out if we can arrange to cash a check here. TELLER Do you have an account with our bank, sir? CLAUDE No, I'm afraid I don't. We're with the Merchant Chinatown Association Farm Worker's Union Branch out of Miami. TELLER That's pretty far away. CLAUDE Yeah. TELLER That's going to have to go through my manager. He won't be back until this afternoon. CLAUDE Really? Well, that shouldn't be a problem - we're kinda stuck here. TELLER [strange] Are you over at the motel? CLAUDE You bet. TELLER Ohhh. CLAUDE What? TELLER Nothing. He'll be back in about four hours. CLAUDE Is he part of this whole thing you got going on today? TELLER [nervous] What do you-- whatever do you mean? CLAUDE The clerk was telling us-- TELLER [urgent] Just stay inside and you'll be safe! CHARLIE [coming on] Safe? From-- TELLER THEM! CLAUDE Them? The runners? TELLER The ghosts. CLAUDE AND CHARLIE WHAT? TELLER I'm not from around here, and I'm scared to death. I get to lock myself in the vault for the whole thing, or else I wouldn't even'a come to work today! CHARLIE In the vault, eh? TELLER Yes! CLAUDE Wait a dang minute. Ghosts? TELLER Yes. A bunch of soldiers from back in the civil war. They run through town on this day every year, and destroy everything in their path! CLAUDE Have you... seen the ghosts? TELLER Of course not! I stay shut up tight! CLAUDE Right. [heavy thinking sigh, the working to sound chipper again] Well, maybe we'll see you later then. When your manager's back. TELLER Okey-doke. You stay safe now! MUSIC SOUND EATING SOUND [OFF] FEET APPROACH CLAUDE [outside] wait til we-- CHARLIE What's that smell? SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN CHARLIE You! LENNY I brought you some! CHARLIE I'm watching my figure, you mope! CLAUDE More for me. Pass that. LENNY Trudy at the diner, she gave me some extra butter too. She did it up right fine. CHARLIE Don't eat so much you slow down! We'll leave you behind. LENNY [talking around a mouthful] Oh, come on, they're real good. CLAUDE [licking his fingers] They are. Look, Lenny, there's something real hinky here-- LENNY You don't need to tell me, Claude! I heard all about-- CHARLIE The ghosts? LENNY The what? CLAUDE According to the girl at the bank, it ain't pigs, it's ghosts. LENNY That don't make no sense! There ain't no such things as ghosts. CHARLIE But you do believe that there might be a town where everyone falls asleep for an hour. LENNY Anyway, it ain't ghosts, it's Frogs. CLAUDE Like frog frogs, or french folks? LENNY Like ribbit, ribbit. They rain down, like in the old weird part of the bible. CHARLIE Yeah, ghosts is lots more nuts than frogs. CLAUDE Why would everyone have a different story? CHARLIE Are you just a moron or what? They're all covering up…

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was sick last week Jun 05, 2022

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19 Nocturne Boulevard - HOT GINGER BREAD - (Reissue of the Week) May 26, 2022

Show notes

Set in the same world as B&B Investigations, but some 30 years later. So while Paul & Donna are Sam Spade, Gretal & Hansel are Starsky and Hutch. CAN YOU DIG IT? ****************************************** Cast List Rebekah Gretal - Risa Torres Vic Hansel - Reynaud LeBoeuf B.O. Wulf - Lothar Tuppan Capt. Meisterburger - Glen Hallstrom Ginger - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Fleet - Chris Stockett Shallott - Bryan Hendricksen Juniper - Chris Stockett Rumplestiltskin - Philomen Vanderbeck Dr. Fell - Colin McRoberts Goose Gander - Mark Olson TV News - Suzanne Dunn Senator Rapunzel - Julie Hoverson Mysterious Voice - Mark Olson Woodcutter - Justin Cop 1 - Graciespoppy Cop 2 - Colin McRoberts Trainer - Graciespoppy Maitre d' - Philemon Vanderbeck Bartender - James Keeley Woman1 - Sara Falconer Woman2 - Angela Kirby Stumpy - Brody Walker Additional gingerbread men - Cary Ayers, Leonard Keeler, Danar Hoverson Music by Footage Firm, Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an alley, can't you tell?" ********************************* Hot Ginger Bread Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Woodcutter, the stoolie Cop1 and cop2 Rebekah Gretal, tough old-school cop Vic Hansel, new-age hippie cop with no fear Goose Gander, affirmative action detective B.O. Wulf, other tough cop Captain Meisterburger - chief of detectives Ginger, nearsighted witch running the cartel Fleet, Ginger's head man Senator Rapunzel Mysterious stranger Shallott, internal affairs TV News Trainer Other gingerbread men Maitre d' Bartender (frog) Woman1 Woman2 Juniper Fell Rumplestiltskin ADD COMMERCIAL BREAKS? OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a back alley in a vaguely familiar city - but an unfamiliar time, can't you tell? 1_OPENING TAG MUSIC - FUNK!!!!! SOUND RUNNING FEET, ECHOING IN AN ALLEYWAY, DISTANT TRAFFIC. POLICE WHISTLES COP1 [distant] Stop! Police! WOODCUTTER Nuh-uh! SOUND GATE CLANG OPEN, FEET RUN THROUGH WOODCUTTER [triumphant] Oh yeah! SOUND FEET SLOW, STOP TO LISTEN WOODCUTTER [gasping but laughing] Lame-ass fuzz. SOUND GUN COCKS COP2 [snide] What was that? WOODCUTTER Oh... uh... [weaselly] I have the right to remain silent? 2_GRETAL MUSIC SCENE WIPE [gym] SOUND PUNCHING BAG WULF Hey Ree, dontcha think that saddle-slap is about to shed some eye-dew? GRETAL [exerting] Nah, Wulf. Momma always said you gotta keep hitting til it squeals uncle. WULF [shrugs] Stranger things have come to pass. GRETAL 'sides, big heavy meeting coming up with the Cap. Needed to cool down a bit first. SOUND PUNCHING STOPS GRETAL Hear you gotta new partner. What happened to Canute? You guys were joined at the badge. WULF [grumpy] New inefficiency program. Ya get too good, ya get cleaved in twain like a bronze war helmet. Plus they needed someone who can stand a pattycake in the car. GRETAL Oh yeah, I heard one of 'em got his shield. [a bit disgusted] Welcome to the future. WULF [dismissive] If this is the future, I'll take Valhalla. You cooled yet? GRETAL Nah, a few more-- TRAINER [from across the room] Anyone here seen Gretal? GRETAL [heavy sigh] Guess I'm done. WULF Good luck. And remember - they only have one pattycake to assign, so it can't be a kettlefull of snakes. GRETAL Words to live by. 3_HANSEL MUSIC SCENE WIPE [CAPTAIN'S OFFICE] CAPTAIN [to someone in the room] I'll be just a minute. [back to phone] I specifically said 3:00 and it's now-- SOUND RAP ON THE DOOR CAPTAIN Never mind. SOUND HANGS UP PHONE CAPTAIN [grumpy] Get in here, Gretal! SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER CAPTAIN Shut the door. SOUND DOOR SHUTS FIRMLY GRETAL What did I do this time? If it's that weasel we pulled out of toad hall, he fell down the stairs. They all did. Ask anyone. CAPTAIN No, it's -- GRETAL Oh, I got it. The fish is talking again? CAPTAIN NO! Sit down and listen! GRETAL Right. SOUND CHAIR CAPTAIN [suspicious] What was this about a fish? GRETAL [too quick] Nothing. CAPTAIN Then never mind... for the moment. I've got bigger ... uh... things to fry. You know they been shaking things up since the corruption stings hit - changing up the partners in the detective posts? GRETAL Doesn't bother me, I don't have a partner. CAPTAIN Not yet. GRETAL I work better on my - what? CAPTAIN New directive, straight from the Keep. Everyone works with a partner, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. GRETAL You know no one can keep up with me! I have the highest manacle rating in homicide! Just last week I stopped that vigilante goat and took down the troll that ate his family. CAPTAIN Your record does speak for itself. GRETAL Frankly, the goat was tougher. CAPTAIN But with the recent corruption issues-- GRETAL [horrified] Captain! You can't think I'm dirty! I even play fair with pattycakes. CAPTAIN Fair, yes. But it's this lone wolf mentality that's got people up in arms. Too many cops without adequate oversight. GRETAL Oversight? I'll show you oversight! CAPTAIN And no, I don't think for a moment that you're a dirty cop. GRETAL Damn straight! CAPTAIN Just a rude one who won't shut up and listen to her damn boss. GRETAL I--! [beat] Fine. CAPTAIN Good. Now you better listen, cause sure as bad things come in threes, there's someone above us just waiting for a chance to come down on us like a sledgehammer-- GRETAL Thor? CAPTAIN [ignoring her] --and take this entire department apart, brick by brick. So while the big eye is on us, we have to play nice. Which means you do as you're told. GRETAL How long? CAPTAIN Til "they're" done. Whenever that may be. GRETAL [wheedling] Why can't you partner me up with Wulf? At least we see eye-to-eye on-- CAPTAIN "Necessary force"? Yeah, that's exactly why he's partnered up with Gander and you get our newest transfer from "CAP". GRETAL Crimes against Pattycakes? Seriously? [disgusted] Am I gonna have to speak in rhyme? VIC [gentle cough] Don't worry. I just work with them. [bitter] I'm as normal as anyone. GRETAL [whirling, annoyed] What the--? [to captain] You never said--! CAPTAIN And you never gave me a chance. Rebekah Gretal, meet Vic Hansel. VIC It's a... pleasure. GRETAL [ignoring him] You're not transferring me? Please tell me we're not-- CAPTAIN You're not going to be CAP, no. GRETAL [to Vic] Hah. Looks like you traded up. CAPTAIN You're both going to be part of a special task force, working in parallel with vice. GRETAL Oh, hell no. 4_WITCH MUSIC WIPE [WITCH'S OFFICE, SULTRY MUSIC] SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP GINGER Yes? STRANGER [disguised mechanized voice] Woodcutter is turning woodlark. GINGER The hell you say. STRANGER The guard has him under wraps. Not even booked yet. GINGER Narco? STRANGER No. They have not been informed. GINGER How did you find all this out? STRANGER A Little pixie told me. Good enough for you to drop a gold ball in the well for me? GINGER Very good. You'll have it by the end of the week. SOUND HANGS UP, CLICK INTERCOM FLEET [deep voice] Yeah, boss? GINGER Fire up the ovens, Fleet. Looks like I'm gonna need a few more good men. 5_BAR MUSIC CUT TO BAR T.V. NEWS In the overwhelming wake of the Aarne Thompson exposés on corruption in the guard, shakeups have been felt throughout the land. WULF Turn it off. GRETAL Nah, leave it. Better to hear what's coming, than get blindsided like I just did. T.V. NEWS Commissioner Oftheguard set the date for his official resignation ceremony. WULF That sucks. GRETAL [very upset growl] The Guard was his damn life. They shouldn't take this crap out on him. WULF He was planning to retire anyway, wasn't he? GRETAL Yeah, but in a hail of glory, not a... rain of frogs. BARTENDER [croaky] Watchoo got against frogs? GRETAL [dismissive noise] T.V. NEWS The hotly-contested interim Commissioner position will be designated by the end of the week, and will hold office until the elections in two months. VIC A lot could happen in two months. GRETAL [completely startled] Oh crap! Where the gilliken did you come from? VIC I've been here for a while. [to B.O.] Hi! WULF Uh, hi. VIC Introduce us? GRETAL Wulf, this is my new partner Vic Hansel. Hansel, this is Brynulf Odegaard Wulf. We just call him B.O. VIC Gotcha. T.V. NEWS Senator Rapunzel had this to say on the eve of the corruption hearings... WULF [annoyed] You want me to invite my partner too? We could play a hand of poker. Start a bowling league? T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] I have never been ashamed of my stand on justice. GRETAL [resigned sigh] No. VIC Sorry. Didn't realize I was intruding. But we -um- just got a call. T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] I did my time in the district attorney's office, doing what good I could. GRETAL [to bartender] One more! BARTENDER [croaky] Coming right up. SOUND SPLASH VIC Should you--? GRETAL Definitely. T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] And now in my fourth term in the grand high senate to have my own home land turned topsy-turvy like a rolling hedgehog. Now I am ashamed. Ashamed I moved up to the senate, to the castle, and never saw what was happening in the streets so far below my very own tower window. 6_ASSIGNMENT SOUND RESTAURANT MAITRE D' [french and very sneery] Two? You? VIC Inspectors. Checking fire escapes. Just passing through. MAITRE D' Oui oui. I see. SOUND THEY WALK, NOISE FADES A BIT IN HALLWAY GRETAL [suspicious] Meisterburger sent us here? VIC Captain Meisterburger said we were to meet a contact in-- SOUND DOOR OPENS TWO WOMEN COME OUT AND WALK PAST WOMAN1 So I said to him - oh yeah? You want me soooo bad, dad, you can get me a fur coat with snippets from every animal in the entire world! WOMAN2 You didn't! SOUND WOMEN ARE GONE GRETAL Tell me this is a joke so I don't gotta punch you. MIRROR [muffled, from inside a room] It's not a joke. GRETAL The ladies room? We're meeting a contact in the ladies room? AND it sounds like a guy. VIC Check and see if there's anyone else in there. SOUND DOOR OPENS MIRROR If there was anyone else in here, I would hardly be talking to you, would I? GRETAL Holy crap. Get in here Vic. SOUND FEET ENTER SOUND DOOR SHUTS GRETAL This is Shallott of Internal Affairs. MIRROR Oh? Have we met before? GRETAL Lock it. SOUND LATCH CLICKS GRETAL I try to keep up with whoever might be snooping on me. MIRROR Whomever. GRETAL WHATever. And you wonder why I don't much go in for makeup. VIC So ... are you in the mirror, or are you the mirror? MIRROR Potayto - potahto. For all that we clearly aren't going to like one another, Gretal, I've never caught a smidge of dirt on you. And I know your uncle, who vouches for you. VIC Who? GRETAL [vehement] SHHH! MIRROR And Hansel there is so uptight he squeaks. VIC I-- MIRROR You two are just about the cleanest detectives we got. GRETAL [half pleased, half disgusted] Really? VIC Jumping Cow! MIRROR And that's why this can't go through regular channels. GRETAL B-but... Captain Meisterburger? MIRROR This is not a gossip session. This is a briefing. Good. A couple of helmets out of the dickory dock district caught a petty thief - one of the Woodcutter boys - two nights ago. GRETAL Figures. [knowing] Them woodcutters. MIRROR He made a deal, and somehow lucked into talking to just the right person. We managed to make him disappear and have kept him on ice. We know there are still leaks - BIG leaks - in vice, so we can't turn him over to them, even though he claims he's willing to take someone to [importantly] the Gingerbread house. MOMENT OF SILENCE VIC Gingerbread house? GRETAL no offence, but where do you come into it? VIC Ginger bread house? MIRROR We want you to follow along, make sure he's not just selling us a dead cowhide in a sack, and report back. Nothing more - except you don't talk to ANYONE but me. Not the Captain, not your best friend. VIC [louder] Gingerbread house? MIRROR [sneering slightly] I forget, you haven't had to deal with REAL crimes yet. VIC [annoyed] I have so--! MIRROR Gingerbread is the hottest drug on the market, and whoever is distributing it-- GRETAL [smug] whomever. MIRROR This new cartel is making money faster than Midas. They're selling cheap, now, but soon as they have half the city hooked they'll jack-be-nimble the prices, and we're all going to drown in a tidal wave of crime, without even a pea green boat to paddle. VIC And the house? MIRROR Rumor has it there's a central refining and distribution plant, where all the baking happens. We need to find it. If we can call out all the kings horses and all the kings men quickly enough, there won't be time for any dormice in the department - any department - to give the high sign before we take it down. GRETAL Hmph. And here I thought this was gonna be a shit job. MUSIC 7_BONFIRE AMB IN CAR GRETAL You CAN tell me where we're going. SOUND RUSTLE OF MAP VIC [distracted] No, that's ok. Turn left. GRETAL That wasn't a hint, it was a demand. VIC Huh? SOUND CAR BRAKES TO A SUDDEN STOP GRETAL My car. My rules. Where are we meeting this troll? VIC He's a woodcutter, not a troll. GRETAL [warning] AND...? VIC He's being kept in a safe house. SOUND CAR STARTS AGAIN GRETAL Hah. You mean a dive motel near the Shoe. VIC How did you know? GRETAL Educated guess. I've worked protection a few times. SOUND A BIT OF SILENCE, A FIRE TRUCK ZOOMS PAST VIC [hesitant] You sounded like you knew... of... the Woodcutters? GRETAL Bad lot. Ain't a single one of them any good in three generations. Fell in with a bad crowd and never fell out again. SOUND CAR SLOWS, APPROACHES FIRE TRUCK, BIG FIRE GRETAL Let me guess. That's the place? SOUND RUSTLE OF MAP VIC Uhhh... [down] yeah. 8_ELUSIVE MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE, OBSERVING THE FIRE FROM A DISTANCE GRETAL Humph. They got the fire under control before it took out the shoe. Big money always survives. VIC Three bodies, but no way to know which unit they were pulled out of. GRETAL Come on. If "our friend" didn't end up burnt to cinders, he's probably long gone. VIC I'm not so sure. Let's walk a perimeter. SOUND THEY START WALKING GRETAL A Perimeter? Fancy talk. Bet you didn't learn that from anyone in Iambic Pentameter. VIC I did have a life before C-A-P. And Pattycakes are simple. Most don't lie at all, and if they do, they don't do it well. GRETAL It's those big round faces. Wide innocent eyes. Not much to hide behind. VIC That, and they just don't see the point. Simple doesn't mean stupid. SOUND SOMETHING CLATTERS GRETAL [hushed rushed] Hold on. Something up ahead. SOUND GUN DRAWN SOUND SHE WALKS SLOWLY SOUND VIC DRAWS MORE SLOWLY SOUND SUDDEN FLURRY OF MOTION - CLATTER OF METAL - RUNNING FEET AWAY. GRETAL Come on! SOUND RUNNING! SOUND CHAIN LINK FENCE, CLIMB GRETAL Damn damn damn! SOUND HITS FENCE SOUND VIC RUNS UP VIC Come on, he's not too far-- GRETAL No. VIC But we can get him! GRETAL That's a no go zone. See the sign? VIC Rampion Limited? GRETAL Yeah. Very private property. Dammit! SOUND HITS FENCE SOUND DOG STARTS BARKING SOUND ALARM GOES OFF GRETAL [sarcastic and bitter] Yeah. That's put a shoe in the loaf. 9_HOME AGAIN SOUND OFFICE SOUND HAND SLAMS DOWN CAPTAIN What have you got to say for yourselves? GRETAL [stony] Saw someone go over the fence - we were trying to stop a break-in. CAPTAIN Why were you even in that part of town? VIC [very smooth] Anonymous tip. Said a firebug was going to hit - and when the motel went up, we thought we might be of some use. GRETAL [a little surprised and appreciative] Yeaah. CAPTAIN [starting low and building to a loud growl] If there is one thing I can NOT stand, it's when…

Full show notes at the publisher

19 Nocturne Boulevard - B&B Investigations, Case 4: PUMPS AND SPECTATORS (Reissue of the Week) May 20, 2022

Show notes

Paul and Donna are hired by Prince Waldo Charming to find his lost love - his only clue? A shoe. Cast List Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Goldy Taylor - Rhys Torres-Miller Prince Waldo - Morgan Brown Alexander - Will Watt Rumplestiltskin - Philemon Vanderbeck Miss Barbara - Robert Cudmore (YAP Audio) Espadrille - Reynaud LeBoeuf Music by Somewhere Off Jazz Street Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a private detective's office in a time sort of like the 1940s, can't you tell?" ******************************************** PUMPS AND SPECTATORS - B&B Investigates, episode 2 Cast: Announcer Donna Bella Paul Bette Goldy Tailor - secretary Prince Waldo Charming Baron Alexander/Cindy Espadrille gruff "stepsister" Barbara, housemother/fairy godmother OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a Detective Agency, can't you tell? MUSIC Scene 1. SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKS UP GOLDY B&B Investigations, may I help you? [beat, then turns belligerent] Look, it ain't gonna happen. ... No. Because the boss don't help no one find tarts. Nope. Never. SOUND HANGS UP DONNA Another missing good time girl? GOLDY Nahhh. Queen of hearts. Ya know. DONNA Oh. Patticakes. Well, if anything real comes in, I can handle it. [annoyed] Just 'cause Paul's not back from the enchanted brute convention as early as he was supposed to be doesn't mean the office shuts down. He may be off doing who knows what with his furred and fanged cronies, but I'm sure he knows he can trust me to take on whatever-- MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 2. GOLDY Man, she had it bad. A case of sea green envy for what the boss might be getting up to with his old college chums. So what they were mostly frogs, bears, and the occasional walrus - she'd heard the sort of thing they used to get up to-- DONNA What are you doing? GOLDY Filling in. The boss should be back any minute, and then -- DONNA Look, I don't need anyone else horning in on my - our voiceovers. GOLDY I just figured you might not want to be the one pouring your heart out in a narrative conceit.... DONNA So you thought you'd pour it out for me? [sarcastic] Thanx. Scene 3. SOUND DOOR OPENS, JINGLE OF BELL MUSIC ENDS ALEXANDER Pardon the interruption, ladies. May I announce Prince Waldo Charming? SOUND STRIDES REGALLY IN, FOLLOWED BY AN ENDLESS ENTOURAGE. DONNA Did you have to bring the whole box of toy soldiers? The office is only so big. ALEXANDER [consults with the prince, then] Atten-hut! About face! March. SOUND ENDLESS FEET LEAVE AGAIN ALEXANDER The prince apologizes for the intrusion, but he prefers to keep this as informal and ‑ahem- low-profile as possible. DONNA Sure. I can see that. Why don't you step into the office over here? MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 4. DONNA So this was the infamous prince Waldo - the biggest royal catch of the last eight fishing seasons, and far too wily to let himself get hooked. Every princess, rich society dame, screen siren, and various other lesser gold diggers had set their bait for him, and he swam serenely past them all. I'm not among the anglers myself, since I already had my own trophy in sight- my own partner, Paul Bette, away now drinking with his cronies and doing whatever they please in the name of "old times". GOLDY [side of the mouth] You're staring. DONNA Huh? GOLDY [side of the mouth] He's about to get a restraining order. DONNA Oh, um-- Office, right. MUSIC OUT Scene 5. SOUND OFFICE DOOR CLOSES DONNA Well? What can I do for you? PRINCE Coffee? DONNA Certainly. SOUND CLICK OF INTERCOM GOLDY A package just came for you. DONNA Busy now. Goldy? Three coffees, please? One too hot, and two just right? Yes. SOUND INTERCOM OUT DONNA So, what brings you to a private investigator? PRINCE I don't think we need to discuss it until he arrives. DONNA [barely polite] What? [exasperated noise] He is due back soon, but I can help you just as well. My name's on the door too. Well, my initial, anyway. PRINCE [bland, disinterested] Oh? Lovely. I hope you don't mind, but I find this is really a masculine sort of problem. DONNA There are potions for that, you know. ALEXANDER [incensed] Young lady, what are you intimating? DONNA That maybe he doesn't live up to his name? ALEXANDER What's wrong with Waldo? DONNA I meant Charming. PRINCE I'll have you know-- SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN PAUL Coffee? Donna? Why don't you let me deal with these good gentlemen. DONNA What? PAUL [muttered] Go to voiceover. Scene 6. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA [spitting words] So I left the boys to it. PAUL [vo] What Donna didn't know was that I'd been listening on the intercom and knew she'd been about to scratch the eyes out of a very powerful prince-- DONNA It wasn't his eyes I'd be aiming for-- PAUL And it wouldn't do us any good to get on his wrong side. DONNA Does he have a right one? PAUL So rather than subject her to more of the prince's royaler-than-thou attitude, I decided to step in and let her off the hook. DONNA [softening] Oh! PAUL Scoot. DONNA Leave the intercom on. [blows him a kiss] VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES Scene 7. DONNA I'll just scoot then and go get my nails done or something, shall I? PRINCE While nothing could possibly enhance your already considerable beauty, I'm certain that's precisely what you need. [kisses her hand] SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR Scene 8. DONNA Yup. Definitely need to get my nails sharpened. GOLDY Come on. Let's hear what they have to say-- PRINCE [on intercom] Bit of a temper, has she, that girl? PAUL [on intercom, fading to normal voice halfway through] You don't know the half of it. She's passionate about everything. PRINCE Ah. Well, then. Let me get down to the problem at hand. I think you will understand, Mr., um-- PAUL Bette. Paul Bette. Just call me Paul if you like. PRINCE Paul. Quite. And you may call me Prince Charming. PAUL Charmed. [waits for a laugh, nothing] Ah. Your case? PRINCE Well, I have a passing acquaintance with an old school chum of yours, Prince Freddie Grenouille, and he says you are top of the line - both for cleverness and for ... ahem... discretion. PAUL Absolutely. Anything you say won't leave this room. PRINCE Good. I'm sorry to take so long to come to the point here, but this is a very delicate and stressful situation, and I am truly truly desperate. PAUL Go on. Scene 9. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL I'd seen it all, from paternity suits to clearing up the occasional "carriage under the influence" charge. And the royals were often the worst. They could get away with pretty much anything, as long as they were willing to risk the occasional fairy charm or gypsy curse. MUSIC CHANGES DONNA But Charming had never been a "bad boy" - at least not in any way that made it into the scandal rags-- PAUL Hey, what's with the-- DONNA My new voiceover music just arrived by special messenger. I'm trying out a couple of different pieces. What do you think? PAUL Um... DONNA You don't like it. PAUL It's a little ... perky. DONNA Fine. Go ahead and finish up. PAUL Are you ...annoyed? DONNA [snapping] No. VOICEOVER MUSIC CHANGES BACK TO NORMAL PAUL Charming did have a nearly spotless record. He was an athlete - Greco-roman wrestling, fencing, and polo, a supporter of the arts - even acted in a few charity plays from time to time. A general bon vivant. No dark side, or so everyone thought... VOICEOVER MUSIC OUT Scene 10. PRINCE [vibrant] So when I danced with her last night, it was like we'd known each other for ever! PAUL Did you happen to catch her name? PRINCE Only Cindy. When I asked her last name, she merely smiled and changed the subject - she was so alluring! PAUL And you want me to-- PRINCE [desperate] Find her. I must see her again. You can't possibly understand the pressure a thirty-uh-something prince is under to find a bride. PAUL I can see that would be awkward. PRINCE Women are constantly being shoved at me from all sides, and - frankly? I can't stand most of them. They're such insipid little birds. They tell me how fascinating I am, and then proceed to show they know nothing at all about me. They profess to like all the things I like, then don't even know how to spell jai-alai, let alone play it. PRINCE [continued] I've spent years carefully keeping clear of marriage, since it would mean I'd have to spend my entire life with a silly little twit, and would be obligated to listen to her chirp. PAUL And this Cindy? PRINCE [raptured] Completely different. She dressed marvelously, but didn't feel compelled to give me the names of all her tailors. She danced like a dream, but didn't demand I take her for one more spin around the floor, or suggest we walk out on the balcony. And when she said she liked the things I like, she - she actually did! PAUL Can you give me a description? PRINCE About my height - in heels - long glossy dark chestnut hair - a few shades darker than your young lady's auburn - rather like Alexander's here - huge luminous eyes, and long artist's fingers on very strong hands. PAUL Hmm. Alexander, was it? ALEXANDER [slightly panicky] Sir? PAUL Can you add anything? ALEXANDER I wasn't-- I was with a sick friend last night. PAUL Ah. That's awkward. [to prince] Do you have any other clue to her identity? PRINCE Oh, yes. Alexander, the bag. ALEXANDER Sir. SOUND BAG PLOPPED ONTO DESK, SOMETHING PULLED OUT PAUL A... shoe. PRINCE She ran away at the stroke of midnight, and left it behind. PAUL Can I keep this? PRINCE But - she'll need it, when I find her again. PAUL I mean to go over it for clues. I'll get it back to you. PRINCE [sigh of relief] Well, yes, then. I thought-- nevermind. PAUL I have my own female troubles - I have no plans to try and horn in on yours. ALEXANDER You think any woman would throw over [too warm] such a Charming price, for a big brute of a private eye? PAUL [chastened] No. [tries to chuckle] Course not. But I do have to warn you, sire-- PRINCE Yes? PAUL This girl. If she deliberately made herself such a mystery, there may very well be a good reason. PRINCE like what? PAUL She could be anything - a commoner, a ghost, a transformed hedgehog-- ALEXANDER Nonsense! PAUL The point is, you need to face reality and understand that there could be something very shady about her. PRINCE I don't care. She's the only woman I've ever felt this way about, and I plan to marry her - come what may. You find her for me. I shall handle the rest. Scene 11. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL Chauvinist or not, Charming was determined, in that way that only princes in love can be. It was that particular brand of love that drives one to climb unclimbable mountains and fight unkillable dragons, and what do they get at the end? Married. MUSIC CHANGES DONNA Like Charming said, most princesses were simpering idiots with more hair than brains, and I should know - I may not be one myself, but I went to the same prep school. PAUL This? You decided on this? DONNA Give me a break. I can't tell how they're gonna sound until I try them out. PAUL This is awful. DONNA Fine. Let me see the shoe, and we'll go on from there. MUSIC OUT Scene 12. SOUND SHOE SET ON DESK PAUL There. DONNA Nice. SOUND HE SITS IN CHAIR PAUL Do you think it's a little... large? DONNA A bit bigger than mine. PAUL Really, I guess I never really-- DONNA Look at my feet? PAUL [leering a bit] I never make it down that far... SOUND SHE SITS UP ON DESK DONNA Really? PAUL Really. [slight growl] DONNA Question. When I left, did the prince and his friend -uh- make it down that far? PAUL What do you mean? DONNA What were they looking at? PAUL They just watched you leave. DONNA I didn't hear you growl-- PAUL Well, of course-- [suddenly worried] Oh-- you actually notice when I do that? DONNA [dreamy] Of course I do. I don't mind when you-- um, get annoyed on my behalf. PAUL [deep breath] I think we're getting a bit off track here. DONNA Right. Shoe. PAUL No, left. Shoe. Anything? DONNA It's a Dolce-geppeto. They're pricey, but not extortionate. Too bad she didn't mention her dressmaker - that would have been a much better clue. PAUL Well, how many places sell these shoes? DONNA Assuming she's local, maybe six of the big boutiques downtown. PAUL You wanna take those, then? Go ask questions? DONNA Um... No. PAUL You don't want to go shopping for shoes? I mean, [scared] you're going to leave me to hit all these fancy ladies' shoe shops? DONNA I have some ideas of my own to follow up on, and the shoe isn't going anywhere. Tell you what, if you don't get a hit on the shoe in 24 hours, I'll take it. PAUL But - but how do I even ask? DONNA Here. SOUND INTERCOM BEEP DONNA Goldy, could you come in here? SOUND DOOR GOLDY Yeah? DONNA Take this to Rose & Snow's and ask for the style number. Then ask them if they have any record of someone buying this shoe in this size in the last two weeks. GOLDY I don't do legwork. I ain't as young as I used to be. DONNA Buy yourself a pair of shoes - on the office - while you're there. GOLDY Gimme that! SOUND SNATCH, DOOR SLAMS PAUL [brightening] So I could just send her round to every store? DONNA Not at a pair of shoes per trip. We'd run through our entire commission. PAUL What? DONNA I said they weren't cheap. One pair we can add in as a legitimate expense - past that... [shrug] Once you get the style nunmber, you can phone the rest. Well, I'm heading out. SOUND JUMPS DOWN OFF DESK DONNA Need anything? PAUL [a bit lost, watching her] Um, no... DONNA Chow! Scene 13. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL Wo. [deep breath] I thought over the content of our discussion and realized there was something she was keeping back - that secret smile, the strange questions - but while we were talking I couldn't take my eyes off her, sitting on my desk like that, one silk-seamed leg crossed over the other. [growl] She doesn't even seem to notice the effect she has on me, and I'm not sure whether that makes it worse or better - if I tell her, she might just stop, and then I won't even get this much of a-- MUSIC CHANGES AGAIN DONNA What is this, a beer garden? They sent me the wrong box, I'm sure of it. PAUL It's not so bad - for a polka. DONNA Hmph. You done yet? PAUL Uh, yeah - I'll talk to a few folks while I'm waiting for Goldy to get back. DONNA [beat] There are things men just don't see, and which it's probably better they don't. A picture was painting itself in my head, and while it wasn't a particularly tricky answer to the problem of find the girl, it also wasn't likely to have the happiest of endings. Why? I added up a size 11 shoe, a lady who could spell jai alai and a prince who didn't stare at my backside as I left the room, and I got a very queer answer indeed. MUSIC STARTS TO FADE DONNA And it was an answer I wasn't sure my wonderful he-man partner would be at all happy about, which is why I went alone to a boarding house we used to rather snottily call Gamma Alpha Ypsilon, back in my own sorority days. SOUND FEET ON PORCH, KNOCK ON DOOR Scene 14. ESPADRILLE Yes? DONNA Hi, I'm a P.I. and I'm-- SOUND DOOR SLAM DONNA [sigh] SOUND KNOCK ON DOOR DONNA I'm not going away. You can talk to me, or you can talk to my partner, and he ain't gonna understand. SOUND DOOR FLUNG OPEN BARBARA What do you want? DONNA I'm looking for someone, and I think she might be known here. BARBARA For this you come around annoying my girls? Scaring poor Espadrille…

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Atomic Julie - The Sound of Silence (part 2 of 2) by Barbara Constant May 18, 2022

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A secretary is plagued by premonitions or voices in her head...

part 2 of 2

19 Nocturne Boulevard - B&B Investigations, Case 3: THE CLOSE SHAVE (Reissue of the Week) May 13, 2022

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The Close Shave - (B&B Investigations, #3) The latest case involves one of Donna's old classmates - wed to a mysterious stranger, left destitute... now her life is in danger! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Goldy Tailor - Crystal Thomson Captain OftheGuard - Reynaud LeBoeuf Rumplestiltskin - Philomen Vanderbeck Mrs. Edwina Beard - Rhys TM Mr. Beard - Benjamin Lind Mr. Rexmusson - H. Keith Lyons Mulva - Katharine D. Clark Frederick - Cary Ayers Thug - Danar Hoverson Music by Somewhere off Jazz Street Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's 1940s detective agency... with a twist, can't you tell?" *********************************************** The Close Shave Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Paul Bette Donna Bella Goldy Tailor Captain OftheGuard Mrs. Edwina Beard Mr. Beard Mr. Rexmusson, Edwina's father Rumplestiltskin thug Frederick, the butler Mulva, the new wife OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the office of a private eye, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS GOLDY B&B Investigations, how may I --[cuts off in disgust] Sorry. We don't need no cleaning staff. EDWINA [very posh sounding, correcting her] Any cleaning staff. GOLDY [puzzled] Any cleaning staff, what? EDWINA [dismissive mutter] I'm surprised you don't rhyme. [up] I am here to hire a private investigator. I have heard that this firm is very.... discreet. SOUND DOOR OPENS GOLDY Discreet yes. Cheap no. You better have-- DONNA Edwina? Edwina Rexmusson? EDWINA [cussing] Oh, goblins. [up, false gushy] Donna! It's been simply ages! DONNA What are you doing here? And what's with the getup? EDWINA [trying to keep composure] Oh... Donna! Are you ...here to hire an investigator as well? DONNA Um, no. I... am the investigator. EDWINA [snooty] Oh? DONNA [sharp] Dressed like THAT, I wouldn't sneer, sweetheart. [nicer] Besides, whatever's wrong, I'm probably the only investigator in town who could truly understand. Come along. [to Goldy] Do we have any cocoa? EDWINA [breaking into tears] Oh! You remembered! DONNA [stage whisper] And a box of tissues. [to Edwina] My office is right over here. MUSIC VOICEOVER DONNA Edwina was one of those snooty girls I'd gone to school with, back before my family's fortunes fell. [losing track] Funny. Failed to figure on fff-- [thinks, sighs] alliteration. [back] From what I could recall, though I hadn't really paid attention, she'd dropped out of sight about a year back. Her current state, dressed in - well let's face it - rags, haggard and undernourished, was shocking. GOLDY Flabbergasting, even. DONNA Shh! PAUL Do you need me? DONNA Not yet. You're still on that breach of contract, aren't you? PAUL I've just about got it wrapped up. Found three crickets and a snail that will swear to witnessing the ball retrieval. [confident] He'll get what's coming to him. I'll just listen in? If you don't mind? Nothing more boring than a stakeout. DONNA Gotcha. [clears throat] I waited for Edwina to calm down enough to talk. MUSIC FADES OUT EDWINA [blows nose excessively into handkerchief] DONNA Try some cocoa. You'll feel better. Now take your time and tell me what's wrong. EDWINA [sips, sighs] Oh... It's my husband. DONNA Oh? I guess I didn't know you were married. Not that I've been much in society recently. EDWINA Oh! yes. Maybe you are the one person who can understand. My father was absolutely set on my marrying, but I wanted... well... DONNA A career? EDWINA No. DONNA Romance? EDWINA No. DONNA A Pony? What? EDWINA [painful admission] I just wanted... my own way. More than anything else, I didn't want to give in and do what father wanted. DONNA I take it he was not amused? EDWINA [mirthless laugh] He kept parading eligible bachelors around, and I... I kept shooting them down. This one was too fat, that one too thin, that one too hairy-- DONNA There's something cuddly about "hairy". EDWINA Oh, don't even go there!!! Why my husband-- DONNA Sorry! EDWINA So father, exasperated, said I would be married before my birthday, like it or not. And if I wouldn't take any of the suitable men, I would end up [sniffles] wed to the first man to come to the door. [sobs, then wails] Even if he was a pattycake!!! DONNA What's wrong with--? EDWINA [wails] Waaahhhh! DONNA Yowtch. And this was last year? EDWINA [sniffs, then tries to calm] Almost exactly a year ago. How can I forget? The day before my 21st birthday, my father tossed me at this.... "person", ran the paperwork through, and threw me out of the house. Since then... Well, you see how I am. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA For all her suffering, Edwina was holding up pretty well. She had gone from pampered princess to long-suffering housewife in one fell swoop. Had to learn to cook, clean, and even run her husband's little china shop. She'd been tempered in the fire. And she used to be nothing BUT temper. GOLDY There's plenty like that. DONNA I am ignoring you. MUSIC CUTS OUT SUDDENLY EDWINA Me? DONNA Sorry. Nothing. So what exactly do you need help with? EDWINA Oh, that! Someone is trying to kill me. DONNA Really? MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA Suddenly a simple domestic case had turned very interesting indeed. DONNA Edwina said that on two different occasions, there had been "accidents" that might have killed her, if not for this "strange man". MUSIC FADES SOUND IN CAR PAUL Did she say what he looked like? DONNA She said he looked vaguely familiar, but had a scarf covering the lower half his face. PAUL And these "accidents?" DONNA Nothing she could take to the cops. She felt a hand push her on a street corner, and would have gone right out into traffic. Except... PAUL Except for this stranger? DONNA Yes. He grabbed her and pulled her back. That was the first time. She wrote it off, figuring someone just lost their balance. PAUL But... then? DONNA Yeah. She'd just shut up shop for the night, was heading home, and a piano fell on her. PAUL You're kidding?!? DONNA Nope. It was being lifted to an upstairs apartment, and the ropes just... gave way. PAUL And the guy? DONNA Swooped in on a motorcycle and pushed her out of the way. PAUL At best, he's been following her everywhere. DONNA At worst, he's part of it. PAUL So she wants us to-- DONNA First, find out who might be trying to kill her. Second find this guy. And [sigh] If we find out anything about her husband along the way.... PAUL [grr] I hate matrimony cases. [backpedaling] not that I hate matrimony, though! [a moment, musing/hinting] Cuddly? DONNA What? PAUL [too quick] Nothing. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL I figured I'd start with a trip to the delivery company, see who might have ordered that piano-- DONNA Or who inquired about it. PAUL Yes. Was this accident a spur of the moment crime, or something much more sinister? DONNA I decided to look into who might want Edwina dead, and why. I had a few contacts at the hall of records who liked nothing better than rooting out such juicy tidbits of gossip. PAUL What are you thinking? DONNA There's only a couple of possible motives for murder - money and passion being the best possibilities in this case. DONNA And since Edwina's father cut her off without a simolean to her name, there either had to be money she didn't know about-- PAUL Long lost heirs? That's a stretch. DONNA [a bit annoyed] OR it had to do with her husband, the aptly named Mr. Beard. PAUL First name? DONNA Apparently they're not that familiar. PAUL [flabbergasted!] What? MUSIC CUTS OUT SUDDENLY PAUL Seriously? She doesn't know his first name? DONNA He doesn't talk to her much, except to give orders. PAUL Even... um... when...? DONNA [hinting] They sleep in separate rooms. PAUL [stunned] Oh. Who IS this guy? DONNA That's what I plan to find out. Ah! Hall of records. My stop. PAUL Right. Meet for dinner? DONNA Of course. MUSIC VOICEOVER PAUL I watched her walk away, a red-haired slither of pure lusciousness. [grr] At least until the car behind me started to honk. SOUND HONK ENDS VOICEOVER MUSIC SOUND CAR STARTS SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKS UP GOLDY B&B Investigations, how may I direct-- EDWINA [on filter] It happened again! GOLDY What happened? EDWINA Just tell Donna! Get her to come to my place. She has the address. Quickly! Before my husband gets home! GOLDY I'll see what I can do. EDWINA It's a matter of life and death! SOUND PHONE HANGS UP, IS SET DOWN GOLDY Hmm. Now let's see - How do they DO that? MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER GOLDY Well, that was easy. [speaking loudly, as if trying to be noticed] I was trying desperately to figure out how to get a message to my boss, Donna Bella. DONNA You don't have to yell! GOLDY [normal tone] The client called. DONNA Edwina. GOLDY We ain't been formally introduced. Besides, I'm trying to be all professional here. DONNA OK, just tell me what you got. GOLDY She needs you over there lickety split. DONNA Did she actually say--? GOLDY I'm paraphrasing. DONNA Fine. Now leave the voiceover to me. [beat] Ok. I caught a cab and raced to Edwina's fifth floor walkup. It was as old and careworn as her dress. I really started to sympathize. MUSIC OUT SOUND KNOCKING ON THE DOOR EDWINA [shriek] Who is it? DONNA It's me! SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEP, DOWN THE HALL DONNA [gasp] Hello? SOUND LOTS OF LOCKS UNLOCKING DONNA [whispered to the door] I'll be right back! EDWINA No! DONNA Shh! SOUND QUIET STEPS MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA I was pretty sure I'd seen movement down around the dimly lit corner. I'm not usually the physical type - I leave all that to Paul-- PAUL [distant] [laughing hysterically] DONNA [grim and determined] --BUT I wanted to at least get a glimpse of whoever it was that was spying on Edwina's door. MUSIC OUT SOUND QUICK STEPS DONNA Hah! SOUND DOOR SHUTS QUICKLY MUSIC IN DONNA I rushed up, but the series of locks - a strangely familiar series of locks - was already being thrown. I waited a moment, then peered through the keyhole, straining for any glimpse of the perpetrator. GOLDY What did you see? DONNA Out! MUSIC OUT DONNA Not you, her! MUSIC IN GOLDY Fine. PAUL What did you see? DONNA Let me talk to Edwina first. MUSIC OUT SOUND TAP ON DOOR, DOOR WRENCHED OPEN EDWINA What happened? DONNA Nothing. Thought I heard something. EDWINA It was probably a mouse. They're in half the apartments here. DONNA Can't they get rid of them? EDWINA [shrug] Not unless they get behind on the rent. MUSIC IN PAUL Let me take this and give you ladies some privacy. DONNA Sounds good. I might be a little late. PAUL No problem. [voiceover] I had had a frustrating day. The moving company was paid in cash, and the apartment they were delivering to had been rented under a false name. GOLDY Back at the office, a pile of official looking papers that Donna had messengered, arrived. If you're bored or anything. PAUL I still have leads to follow up. GOLDY I'm shutting up for the day. You have fun. PAUL [sigh] Some days you wonder why you even need a secretary-- GOLDY [distant] I heard that! PAUL [thinking quick] And then you recall how much time you haveta spend away from the office, and it all becomes clear. [waits a second] Phew! She does come in handy. [narrating] I walked into the bar where the lowest denizens of the city hung out, and lowest among them-- MUSIC OUT PAUL Hey, Rump. RUMPY Not tonight, Bette. I got lady trouble. PAUL Really? You? RUMPY You don't have to sound so.... so... PAUL Sorry. RUMPY Take it from me, don't ever let one of them find out your real name. [drinks deep] So you here for a social call? PAUL You know better. SOUND CLINK OF COINS ON COUNTER PAUL But I can make it worth your while. RUMPY I'll drink that in the next 10 minutes. PAUL Give me something good, and you'll get another half hour's worth. RUMPY What's the question? PAUL Mr. Rexmussen and his daughter Edwina. Anything you know. RUMPY Off the top of my head? And drunk? Nothing. SOUND COINS BEING DRAGGED AWAY PAUL Oh. RUMPY Except-- SOUND COINS STOP MOVING PAUL Go on. RUMPY I do know that just about a year ago, daddy dearest said he was gonna hitch her to the first dude to come to the door, and there was a virtual stampede to get there - but this mug Beard was already at the head of the line. PAUL Like he... knew in advance? RUMPY Could be... or... [trails off suggestively, drinks] SOUND TWO MORE COINS SET DOWN RUMPY More like he kind of appeared out of nowhere. No one knew him before. No one knows when he came to town. Nothing. PAUL Hmm... SOUND COUPLE MORE COINS RUMPY That's all I got. SOUND SHOVES COINS RUMPY Now leave me to my misery. PAUL Nah. Keep it. MUSIC in PAUL So a Beard with no roots. But who could have known that Edwina's dad was going to go ballistic? GOLDY Daddy probably set it all up with the mug. To teach her a lesson. Sounds like she was a holy terror. PAUL I thought you went home. GOLDY They ain't nothing good on the radio. PAUL While I could consult an oracle or two about the mysterious Mr. Beard, the price would be a bit too high for a charity case-- GOLDY What about who might want to kill her? PAUL I had no leads as yet-- GOLDY Oh, yes you do. PAUL I do? GOLDY These papers - I took em home, just in case someone might come looking. PAUL Are you really worried about that? GOLDY Nah. But they ain't nothing good on the radio. Anyway, you wanted to know about money motives, and there's some interesting stuff in here. PAUL This should really be on the phone. Voiceovers aren't made for conversations. GOLDY You two do it all the time! PAUL [abashed] We try not to. GOLDY Fine. [ahem] After going through the stack of papers - a thankless task, by the way - I realized that Edwina happened to have a birthday coming up. PAUL [dismissive] She already mentioned that. GOLDY AND that this would be her 22nd birthday. When she would just happen to come into a huge trust fund. UNLESS she weren't married yet, then she don't get her mitts on the cash til she's 30. PAUL [interested] Really? GOLDY UNLESS again - she was to happen to kick off before she made it to 22. PAUL Hmm... Who-- GOLDY IN WHICH CASE the money would revert to... ta-da! her father. PAUL Rexmussen? But he's rich. GOLDY Interesting, innit? DONNA Whew. I had just spent the longest evening of my life, and-- GOLDY We're already on this line. DONNA What? PAUL But we're pretty much done. DONNA What? GOLDY Besides, I'm already clocked out for the evening. DONNA [growl] what? PAUL Goldy took the time to sort through all the paperwork we hadn't yet got around to... DONNA [back to normal] Oh. Anything? PAUL Tell you at dinner. DONNA About time! MUSIC OUT SOUND RESTAURANT PAUL --which doesn't make any sense, because he's rolling in dough. DONNA Nothing in this case makes sense, and we've only got one more day before Edwina's birthday. PAUL We better stay with her. DONNA I had this little idea... PAUL Yeah? DONNA This mystery man appears every time she looks to be in danger, so... PAUL ["getting it"] Mmm. DONNA Let skip ahead. PAUL Get some rest. DONNA Mwa! PAUL [appreciative growl] MUSIC IN DONNA Morning came, and I was back with Edwina. Her husband hadn't even come home, but had phoned to insist she still open the store as usual. She was frantic. MUSIC OUT SOUND STREET, FOOTSTEPS EDWINA [controlled] Thank you so much for coming with me. I'm simply frantic. DONNA Don't worry about it. We'll get to the bottom of all this. SOUND RUSHING FEET PAUL […

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Atomic Julie - The Sound of Silence (part 1 of 2) by Barbara Constant May 11, 2022

Show notes

A secretary is plagued by premonitions or voices in her head...

part 1 of 2

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