19 Nocturne Boulevard

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**19 Nocturne Boulevard**

Award-winning anthology series of audio dramas, in the realm of the strange, speculative, and supernatural. Some episodes include more mature content, but have warning labels.

Latest Episodes:

Atomic Julie - Beyond the Yellow Fog (pt 6 of 8) by Emmett McDowell Oct 12, 2021

Show notes

Chapter 7 - a short trip to the slave camp on the heavy gravity planet.

19 Nocturne Boulevard - THE CANTERVILLE GHOST - Reissue Oct 07, 2021

Show notes

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the story "The Canterville Ghost" by Oscar Wilde [Family friendly] In the late 1800s, an American family moves into an old English castle, only to find that the fixtures include an ancestral ghost... Cast List Sir Simon de Canterville - Cole Hornaday Lady Eleanor - Julie Hoverson Mr. Otis - Michael Faigenblum Mrs. Otis - Megan Lane Mrs. Umney - Lyndsey Thomas Washington - Jasper Loovis Virginia - Beverly Poole Cecil, Duke of Cheshire - Powers Chandler The Twins - E. Vickrey, R. LeBoeuf Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Photo: Peer Kamphuis (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an Olde English Castle - where else would you find an ancestral spirit?" *********************************************************** The Canterville Ghost Who doesn't love the classic Oscar Wilde satire "The Canterville Ghost"? It's a story about a traditional horrific British spirit haunting a traditional British Manor, who runs afoul of a very modern (for the late 1800s) American family who has no respect at all for tradition. This has always been one of my two favorite classic comedic ghost stories, the other being "The Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall", which I will probably get in here soon, just because of the season. I had so much fun adapting this, playing with the practical, unflappable, and often gormless Americans. I did make one major change in the cast, which was not entirely original to me. I added the ghost of Lady Canterville to pester and haunt Sir Simon - and also give him someone to rant to, complain at, and plan with, since otherwise all his best bits would either be pages of soliloquies or just left out (like they usually end up being left out when this story gets made into films). I really really tried to keep as much of the descriptions of Sir Simon's various semblances and costumes in the dialogue as I could. They're so much fun, along with the descriptions of whom he terrified with them. I crammed it as full as possible, without going completely off the deep end. I recall when I was in grade school, I read a novelization someone had done based on The Canterville Ghost where they added Lady Canterville as a ghost, but I specifically didn't go back and find that book again before writing this, so I wouldn't accidentally usurp any other ideas from it - I have a good memory, but it has been decades since I read it (more then 2), so I should be pretty safe. Including her is a logical step, anyway, since if HE haunts the house because he was murdered, why shouldn't SHE also haunt it because HE murdered HER? When I set about to cast this, I was still pretty much working with friends and locals, and not yet to the point of recruiting or auditioning people on line. And while I knew I wanted Cole as Sir Simon - and of course myself as Lady Eleanor, since I wrote the role for me (a big advantage of being a writer/producer), I had no particular idea who else I wanted in there. So I got Beverly Poole (who was at the time in high school) and said "Cast all the living characters from your high school drama class." In response, she rubbed her hands together gleefully (and a bit evilly), grinned, and said "Ooh! The Power!" Of all the special effects in this story that were hard to make or find, considering it has rattling chains and moans and all the classic ghost noises, the most awkward turned out to be "knocking small bottle to floor" and "throwing pillow across room". *********************************************************** THE CANTERVILLE GHOST Cast: OLIVIA The English: Sir SIMON de Canterville, (300+) Ghost Lady ELEANOR de Canterville, (300+) his dead wife UMNEY, (60) housekeeper CECIL, (17) young Duke of Cheshire MOVER (any) The Americans: HIRAM Otis, (40) American Minister Lucretia OTIS (36) his wife WASHINGTON Otis, (18) know-it-all VIRGINIA Otis, (15) sweet young thing GROVER and OSCAR Otis, (12) the twins NOTE: The Americans are the classic annoying Americans of a previous century, very self-assured at all times and never bothered. OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an English Castle, can't you tell? Where else would you find an ancestral ghost? MUSIC SCENE 1. MAIN HALL SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, LOW MOAN OF EFFORT, HEAVY SOMETHING BEING DROPPED [play up as if a ghost, then] MOVER Ow! Leave off! Now, on two... one-- [grunt of effort] SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS GO OFF. THE OTIS FAMILY IS MOVING IN. HIRAM [self satisfied] Yes, that - that will do nicely. SOUND SHARP FOOTSTEPS AMONG THE HUBBUB MRS. UMNEY [nervous] Mr. Otis, Sir? HIRAM Yes, my good woman? MRS. UMNEY Sir, where are the Canterville portraits? HIRAM Those? I'm returning them to his Lordship. I'm quite sure he didn't mean them to go with the house. They're rather ugly old gewgaws, to be perfectly frank. Out with the old, in with the new. MRS. UMNEY [muttered] These are the ugly new gewgaws, then? HIRAM [didn't hear her] Hm? MRS. UMNEY [louder] This is your family, then, sir? HIRAM What is your name, my good woman? MRS. UMNEY Mrs. Umney. I've been housekeeper here at Canterville Hall for-- HIRAM Oh, yes, we did take on all the fixtures. Well, Madam, we Americans don't hold with all this "sir" nonsense. You can call me Mister Otis, just like anyone else. MRS. UMNEY [servile] Of course, Mr. Otis. Certainly Mr. Otis. HIRAM Stop with the curtseying, it's bad for your knees. Ask my wife - she's campaigned against it, you know. MRS. UMNEY That would be Lady - pardon - Mrs. Otis in the portrait with you? HIRAM Yes - lovely woman, though she does tend to look a bit cross-eyed when she's forced to sit staring into a lens for time on end. Still it's a lovely shot. This is the children. Washington, in back - he's even taller now. Must remember to get another study taken. They grow so fast, don't they? MRS. UMNEY Yes sir. Mr. Otis, sir. HIRAM The twins, Oscar and Grover - like weeds, as well - are going to Eton. They'll be home with us until the school year begins. MRS. UMNEY And the young lady? HIRAM [with warmth] Virginia. She is just the perfect doll - smart as a whip. Takes right after her mother that way. And the way she rides - she raced old Lord Bilton twice round the park and won by a length and a half. That Cecil [he prnounces it incorrectly, as SEEsel] fellow, Duke of Cheshire[chehSHYER], proposed for her on the spot, but they're both much too young, and we Americans don't hold much with titles. MRS. UMNEY [muttered] Tell that to the Vanderbilts. [out loud] And this must be... your father? HIRAM [laughs uproariously] Ho-ho! No, that's President Cleveland, our country's leader. You know, a bit like your British Queen Victoria, except that we choose ours. [pause] And they don't carry on quite so long. MRS. UMNEY [disapproving] Ah. SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS ENTER MRS. OTIS Dearest, can you do something with the twins, they've gone quite mad in the conservatory. HIRAM Boys will be boys. SOUND HIS FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, DOOR MRS. OTIS Mrs. Umney, why what's the matter? MRS. UMNEY Ma'am? I'm ... just not used to your American ways, I expect. MRS. OTIS I'm so sorry for you. Well. SOUND FOOTSTEPS START TO LEAVE, HESITATE MRS. OTIS [suddenly remembering] Oh, there is something you could help with - there's a terrible stain near the fireplace in the library. Would you be a dear and see that it gets cleaned up? MRS. UMNEY [ominously] The bloodstain? MRS. OTIS How horrid! I don't at all care for blood-stains in a library. It cannot possibly be hygienic. MRS. UMNEY [ghoulish, enjoying every minute] It is the blood of Lady Eleanor de Canterville, murdered on that very spot by her own husband, Sir Simon de Canterville, in 1575. Sir Simon's guilty spirit still haunts the Chase, though HIS body has never been found. [Umney clearly expects to scare her, but gets no response.] MRS. OTIS It must be removed immediately-- MRS. UMNEY The blood-stain has been much admired by tourists, and cannot be removed. MRS. OTIS Nonsense. [calling] Washington!! MRS. UMNEY [mood broken] What? Ma'am? SOUND THUNDERING FEET COMING DOWN STAIRCASE WASHINGTON [entering] Yes, mother? MRS. OTIS Do you have some of that new cleaning solution in your kit? WASHINGTON [eager] Pinkerton's Champion Stain Remover and Paragon Detergent? I'll fetch it directly. MRS. UMNEY [trying to be spooky again] The blood stain cannot be cleaned, ma'am. It is proven fact. Many have tried. Many more have faced the ghost and were never the same again. MRS. OTIS Ah, but this is a patented formulation. MUSIC SCENE 2. SOUND OUTSIDE. TWO HORSES' HOOVES MOVING SLOWLY, AN OCCASIONAL WHINNY CECIL I'm frightfully pleased you're so nearby, Miss Otis. I mean, we can... go riding together... often. VIRGINIA [she pronounces it correctly - seh-sel] Cecil. Or... I'm so sorry, I've forgotten, what does one call a Duke? CECIL It's Your Grace, but you needn't-- VIRGINIA But I should at least KNOW. And an Earl? CECIL [quietly] I would rather you thought of me as more than merely a tutor. VIRGINIA [musing] How DO you keep them all straight? [catching up] What? CECIL [earnest] You know how I feel. VIRGINIA I also, which is why this is all particularly important. Just in case... In case... [gasp] BOTH [Take a breath, as if about to speak, or possibly kiss, then check themselves] [SLIGHT PAUSE AS THEY BOTH CALM DOWN A BIT, CLICK TO THE HORSES, ETC.] CECIL Oh, Virginia, I hate the thought of you living in this blasted old pile. VIRGINIA [pleased] You called me Virginia. CECIL My apologies, Miss Otis. VIRGINIA Silly. Cecil, I've been trying for ages to get you to call me-- [by my first name] CECIL It's the ghost! VIRGINIA The ghost's name is Virginia? CECIL No. Your father cannot have heard about it, or he'd never have put you in such danger. VIRGINIA While he's not actually against them, father generally avoids spirits. [joke - "spirits" as in alcohol] CECIL [ominously, admitting] My own grand-uncle once bet a hundred guineas that he would play dice with the ghost, and was found the next morning on the floor of the card-room in such a paralytic state that, though he lived to a great age, he was never able to say anything but "Double Sixes." VIRGINIA Backgammon, was it? CECIL It isn't important! It's simply not safe! MUSIC SCENE 3. AMB BEDROOM, GETTING READY FOR SLEEP MRS. OTIS [exasperated] It's simply not safe, I tell you! That housekeeper fainting all about the place - and all over cleaning up a silly bloodstain. HIRAM Hmm... SOUND RATTLE OF A PAGE TURNING IN A BOOK MRS. OTIS What if it happens again? What if she's holding crockery? What do you do with a woman who faints? HIRAM Yes, dear. MRS. OTIS [sweetly] Dearest, your nose has fallen off. HIRAM Oh, has it? Good. MRS. OTIS You're not listening to me! HIRAM Gracious! Do you hear that? MRS. OTIS What, over the sound of my own voice? Heaven forbid! HIRAM Shh. SOUND MUFFLED, AND SLOWLY GETTING CLOSER, HEAVY FOOTFALLS AND CHAINS RATTLING. THEY CONTINUE UNTIL NOTED HIRAM Now that is just too much. SOUND BEDCLOTHES FLUNG ASIDE, SLIPPERED FOOTSTEPS. HIRAM We'll see about-- SOUND DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS AND CHAINS ARE NO LONGER MUFFLED. SIMON [off - low moaning] HIRAM Now see here! SIMON [moan interrupts] MRS. OTIS [unworried, off] Is it the twins? HIRAM I don't think so. SIMON [insistent ghostly moaning] HIRAM No, it's certainly not the twins. Hold it right there. SIMON [moan interrupts quizzically] SOUND SLIPPERED FOOTSTEPS, DRAWER PULLED OUT, RUMMAGING MRS. OTIS Should I join you? HIRAM No need. Though he is quite a curiosity - looks like a scraggly old feller all done up in chains and ragged old-style clothes. SIMON [off - moaning again, suppressed fury] HIRAM Now where did I - Aha! SOUND RUMMAGING STOPS, SLIPPERED FOOTSTEPS HIRAM My dear sir, I really must insist on your oiling those chains, and I have brought you for that purpose a small bottle of the Tammany Rising Sun Lubricator. SIMON [moaning stops, grumpy noises] HIRAM It is said to be completely efficacious upon one application, and there are several testimonials to that effect on the wrapper. I shall leave it here for you, and will be happy to supply more, should you require it. SOUND SMALL BOTTLE SET DOWN, LIGHT FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES DECISIVELY SIMON [bellow of rage, then moaning until noted] SOUND BOTTLE SLAPPED, ROLLS ACROSS TABLE, CLATTERS TO FLOOR. SOUND TWO HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, HEAVY THUD ON WALL ACCOMPANIED BY CHAIN RATTLING OSCAR Get em! SOUND PILLOW FLIES THROUGH THE AIR, HITS THE WALL GROVER Did I score? SIMON [one last shriek, and out] OSCAR Tsk. Nope. MUSIC SPOOKY SCENE 4. AMB GHOST'S GARRET SOUND AGITATED PACING, ROCKING CHAIR SIMON [bellowing and outraged] A Pillow! At my HEAD! ELEANOR [complacent but needling] I suppose it's a good thing you were wearing it, then. SIMON Not if they'd hit me! I'm not certain I fastened it on completely. It's never been an issue! ELEANOR You've gone without a challenge for far too long. SIMON A challenge!! A challenge! Who needs a bloody challenge when I have you to torment me? ELEANOR Every time you get frustrated you turn the argument on me. If you didn't want me haunting you, you should've never killed me. SIMON Tcha! ELEANOR Ruined my favorite bodice, as well. SIMON Oh, your bloody bodice. ELEANOR Precisely. SIMON Hush! These ... people... Have no respect for artistry. When I think back on the Dowager Duchess, frightened into a fit; the four housemaids, who went into hysterics when I merely grinned at them through the curtains; old Madame de Tremouillac, who woke to find me, as a skeleton, seated by the fire reading her diary, and was confined to her bed for six weeks with brain fever-- ELEANOR [dry] Yes, yes, you're quite handy with the ladies. SIMON Shut up, wife! What about wicked Lord Canterville, whom I left choking on the knave of diamonds because he had cheated by means of that very card, so I made him swallow it. That was justice! ELEANOR Oh, yes, justice for men and torment for women. So like a man. What did poor Lady Stutfield, ever do to you? You left her obliged to wear a black velvet band round her throat to hide the mark of five fingers burnt upon her white skin. SIMON [pleased] She drowned herself at last in the carp-pond at the end of the King's Walk. ELEANOR Did she cheat at cards as well? SIMON [grudgingly] No. ELEANOR Admit it, you just like the attention. Women are so much more -- SIMON Biddable? ELEANOR I was going to say demonstrative. I know how you adore an appreciative audience. Women are allowed hysterics, while men are limited to "good god!", a little gibbering, and then shooting themselves in the pantry. There's simply not much in between. SIMON [sulky] Or offering you oil for your chains! Oh, what impertinence!! ELEANOR What do you plan to do about it, my lord? SIMON Aha! I was thinking of reprising my costume as "Gaunt Gibeon, the Blood-sucker of Bexley Moor," and playing ninepins with my own bones upon the lawn-tennis ground. ELEANOR Perhaps Americans do not play ninepins? SIMON No? I think the point will not fail. It is bones... [thinking] Or perhaps ... Oh, yes! "Reckless Rupert, or the Headless Earl." ELEANOR Oh, my lord. You know that one takes hours to put on. Do you even know where both horse pistols are? SIMON Bah! I am an artist. I laugh at complex preparation. [chuckling] I haven't pulled out old Rupert for some fifty years-- ELEANOR Seventy. SIMON Seventy? Really? Where…

Full show notes at the publisher

Atomic Julie - Beyond the Yellow Fog (pt 5 of 8) by Emmett McDowell Oct 05, 2021

Show notes

Finding out this ship is special.

19 Nocturne Boulevard - CHILLIN' - Reissue Sep 30, 2021

Show notes

When eccentric recluse Simon Strong, who lives in a perpetually chilled state, vanishes (leaving some rather suspicious remains behind), his only known associate—a teenage delivery girl—is interviewed by the police! Cast List Amber Sorensen - Krystal Baker Simon Strong - Joel Harvey Det. Phyllis Jermyn - Julie Hoverson Det. Howard Upton - Reynaud LeBoeuf Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Photo: (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a police station, can't you tell?" ******************************************** Chillin' This didn't actually begin with me choosing to adapt another Lovecraft story (in this case "Cool Air"). Frankly, I really liked the 1999 short film, and have a soft spot for the version made for Night Gallery back in the 70s, so I never really considered Cool Air as a priority for adaptation - it had already been done well. Plus it was kind of low hanging fruit - one of the simpler, more straightforward stories to adapt. Previous to this, I had produced Within the Walls of Eryx, and even before that, while studying screenwriting, I had practiced adaptation by playing with The Thing on the Doorstep, turning it into an hour-long screenplay that I eventually re-wrote into an episode of 19 Nocturne Boulevard. Nope, this started when my niece Krystal and I went to see the film Juno. We enjoyed the movie, and leaving it I decided I wanted to write a sassy teenage character, and started clicking through plots in my head that I could slap her into. The irony of sticking a character HPL would undoubtedly loathe into one of his stories did not escape me, and when "Cool Air" crossed my mind, it basically started to write itself. I hammered out the script in less than a week and sent it to Krystal and asked if Amber sounded reasonably authentic, since Krystal was right about that age herself. Her response was "Could I please play her?" She did, and did a great job. I really love working with and encouraging kids in the arts. Sig and Laurie (mentioned in the story as Amber's folks, but in reality my own dad and stepmom) came to watch the recording session with Krystal and be supportive, and Laurie at least can be heard in the bloopers in the end. I also owe great thanks to my friend Robyn who helped with the punk rock details. She knows rock history back and forth and I knew I just needed the right comment or two to make the character really pop. The story adaptation is extremely loose - in the original, a writer moves into a flat below a doctor who keeps his rooms unnaturally cold, and finds out that the doc has maintained his life, long past standard death, by keeping himself perpetually chilled, presumably at least in part to prevent decay. Rather than going the doctor/science route for my version, I went with magic and reanimation. I did work a little hint into the story that Simon might be considering some further hocus pocus to preserve himself, but which might involve harming Amber, and he decides he can't. On the other hand, Amber's slightly guilty concern about having her backpack possibly searched and her disregard for the missing "spooky books" might just indicate that she's not quite ready to let go yet. The original story "Cool Air" is also notable in that a female character is actually quoted as speaking - the landlady of the flats. Of course, this is only so she can be a terrible ethnic stereotype, but at least she actually talks, and may be the only female in all of HPL's major works who does. Stay tuned at the end of this for a short clip of the German version of Chillin' (retitled "Eiskalt") from Contendo Media!!! ******************************************** CHILLIN' Cast: Olivia (host) Amber Sorensen (16), punky teen Simon Strong (60s), aged punk rocker Det. Howard Upton (30s), tough cop Det. Phyllis Jermyn (30s), nice cop Bouncers OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a police station, can't you tell? MUSIC MODERN COP DRAMA STING SOUND THUNK OF TAPE RECORDER TURNING ON. AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM - WHIR OF TAPE RECORDER. OCCASIONAL SCUFFLE OF CHAIRS UPTON Name? AMBER [mocking] Sorensen. Amber. S-O-R-E-N-S-E-N. O-N is Norwegian. UPTON What? AMBER [said a million times] O-N is Norwegian, E-N is Danish. UPTON So you're Danish? AMBER [disgusted noise] Do I sound Danish? Uch. Like my great great great great great was. UPTON Then why--? JERMYN I understand. My name gets misspelled all the time. Let's move on. Present are detectives Howard Upton and Phyllis Jermyn [pronounced "german", pause] J-E-R-M-Y-N, and Amber Sorensen, with an E-N. UPTON Age? AMBER I have the right to remain silent. I have the right to an attorney. If I cannot afford one, one will be ... assigned? Allotted? I should know this - I watch enough Law and Order. UPTON [sigh] We don't read witnesses their rights. That's for suspects. Age? AMBER [sullen] You got my I.D. What does it say? UPTON Hmm. You don't look 21. JERMYN [sympathetic] You really don't. AMBER Fine. So it's a fake - I want to speak to the D.A., like trade my information in return for a slide on the bogus I.D., can I‑‑?? SOUND PHONE BEEP UPTON Oh, turn that off. Not just silent, either. Off. SOUND PHONE BEING TURNED OFF JERMYN We're really not interested in prosecuting you. We just want to know about Simon Strong. UPTON The alleged Simon Strong. AMBER Dude. He was the full meal deal, you know. I watched videos of his band, from like before I was born, and it was totally him. UPTON Then who was the deceased? AMBER Like I said, it was him. What? Do you ride the short bus? UPTON It couldn't be him, because you said you spoke with him recently, and-- JERMYN [cutting him off] Let's start at the beginning. How did you meet Mr. Strong? AMBER [miserable] He hates being called Mister. [deep breath, blasé lies] I was making a delivery-- MUSIC SFX HEAVY METAL/PUNK MUSIC FADES INTO THE BACKGROUND, AMBER BECOMES VOICE OVER. AMBER [v.o.] --of, some box or other. I got inside, took the wrong turn-- SFX MUSIC IS MUFFLED BY DISTANCE, BUT CLEARLY LOUD SOUND AMBER'S HEAVY BREATHING UP CLOSE - SOUNDS LIKE ECSTASY, BUT IT'S JUST PANIC AND EXERTION. AMBER Oh, shit! AMBER [v.o] I was supposed to go to the manager's office-- SOUND HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AT A RUN SOUND AMBER'S BREATHING QUICKENS. HER FOOTSTEPS TAKE OFF QUICKLY. BOUNCER [off] Get back here, dogmeat! AMBER [v.o] And I just knocked on the wrong door. SOUND HEAVY FEET ARE DISTANT, BUT APPROACHING. SOUND AMBER'S FEET GET CLOSE. SOUND SLAM OF BODY AGAINST DOOR. POUNDING ON DOOR AMBER Let me in! They're after me!!! Please! SOUND POUNDING CONTINUES. HEAVY FEET GET CLOSER AMBER Please! I - I'm having a heart attack! Let me in or I'll totally die! SOUND SLIDING DOOR OPENS AMBER Whoa! SOUND STUMBLING STEPS FORWARD, BODY FALLS, SLIDING DOOR SHUTS. SFX MUSIC CUTS OUT COMPLETELY. AMBER Oh. Shit. Look, I'm-- SOUND SCUTTLING ACROSS WOOD FLOOR SIMON [filtered, mechanical sounding] Look into the camera please. AMBER Camera--? Oh. [shivers slightly] SOUND A COUPLE OF HESITANT FOOTSTEPS AMBER Hi! Look, can you just tell me how to get out of here? There's no need for -- SIMON [filter] What was that about a heart attack? AMBER Oh, that. That was - that was bullshit. [joking] I had it removed - years ago. AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM [CUTS IN SUDDENLY] UPTON Was your relationship with this Mister Strong, sexual? AMBER Ew!!! He was like my great grandad's age - like, even older than you! JERMYN [coughs away a laugh] You say you made the delivery and just happened to "make friends" with Strong? Everyone else says he was a complete recluse. Didn't like people. AMBER Nah. He liked people, but he was really sick. I mean, like ill, not deviant. SIMON [on filter] Step through. SOUND DOOR SLIDES OPEN MUSIC AMBIANCE COOL ROOM - THE HUM OF A HEAVY FREEZER UNIT AMBER [gasps at the cold] Whoa! Um, can I just go? I promise not to try any -- SIMON [unfiltered, but rough and almost a whisper] What WERE you trying? AMBER I ... really just wanted to hear the band, but your guys caught me. I mean, I assume since you're here, they're yours-- SIMON I own the club, yes. AMBER [after a slight silence] Okay, is it just me or is your heater broken? [brr noise] SIMON [dry chuckle] AMBER [noticing something] Dude! SOUND A COUPLE OF EXCITED FOOTSTEPS AMBER Can you watch, like, the whole entire club from here? SFX ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR SHIFTS SIMON [disinterested] I can-- AMBER Omigod! Do you have sound? Is there a button? SIMON --but it gets boring after a while. AMBER They're totally bumping uglies in the bathroom, right there! Look! Look! SOUND SWITCH AMBER [annoyed] Hey! MUSIC AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM CUTS IN UPTON Sick? What kind of disease did he have, Ebola? The state of that body-- JERMYN We really shouldn't go into that yet, Howie. AMBER What time is it? UPTON What? Why? AMBER Just asking. You made me turn my phone off. I have a curfew. JERMYN Would you like us to call home for you? AMBER [shrug] Nah. UPTON And your parents, they approved of all this? AMBER My folks are... Cool. They don't care-- UPTON Like they don't mind that hair cut? AMBER Sig and Laurie let me do dumb stuff cause they know I won't do anything stupid. UPTON Like spending all your time hanging out in a bar? AMBER It's a club. And, for a rocker, Simon was pretty uptight about underage boozing and ...stuff. UPTON [leaps on it] Stuff? What kind of stuff? AMBER What? Stuff. Just ... stuff. Dude, you need to switch to decaf. Or valium. UPTON Did you ever see this man with any illegal substances? AMBER Well, he had all kinds of medications - being sick and all, and I [sounding mock sorry] I guess I forgot to look them all up in the handy dandy book of all things illegal. UPTON I thought prescription pills were the latest thing these days. AMBER Only with the kind of freak whose parents go to shrinks and who have time to sit around and stare at carpet lint. I got better things to do. JERMYN Like what? AMBER Plus it's dangerous. You know what viagra can do to-- What? JERMYN What kinds of things do you like to do? AMBER I-- like music, I write. I function as a higher organism. UPTON She means what do you plan to do with your life, Amber Sorensen with an E-N? JERMYN Actually I was just-- AMBER What do you want, a mission statement and a business plan? Dude, I'm 16. UPTON I knew what I wanted to do at 16. AMBER [muttered] But your ass is so tight it whistles. JERMYN [tries not to snicker] UPTON Hmm? AMBER [louder] I bet your dad was a cop. UPTON So? AMBER Nothing. Just you seem like maybe you grew up with it. UPTON Are you gonna follow in your folks' footsteps? AMBER [flat and sarcastic] Oh, yeah. Weddings are my life. JERMYN We don't want to keep you here all night - curfew, and all that. What was wrong with your friend? AMBER Simon said he had some kind of wasting thing -- MUSIC AMBIANCE COOL ROOM SIMON Munoz syndrome. I have to carefully regulate my body temperature. AMBER So you're, like, Mr. Freeze? Not exactly Ahh-nold, there, string bean. SIMON And I have to avoid excitement. AMBER [pause] That's a hint, eh? Can I at least get out without going through the American Gladiators? SOUND SLIDING DOOR OPENS AMBER Thanks. Hey, if you get completely bored or anything, my I-M is-- SIMON No. AMBER Um, ok. You just seem kinda lonely. SOUND HER SLOW FOOTSTEPS SFX WHEELCHAIR SHIFTS AGAIN SIMON Perhaps you could come back tomorrow, during the day. I could use someone to run errands for me. The pay would be reasonable. AMBER Could I watch the band? SIMON You could watch from here, but you'd have to dress warmly-- AMBER I'll bring a parka! MUSIC AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM UPTON Are you adopted? AMBER [flabbergasted] What? Whoa! I think there are some low-flying non sequeters in here. Did you see where that came from? JERMYN Uh... no. UPTON You call your parents [checks notes] um, Sig and Laurie. AMBER Doh, everyone does. [slow and condescending] Those are their names, Billy. UPTON Most kids your age still call their folks mom and dad. AMBER Maybe most kids your age. Most of us would rather be cremated. [shrugs] mm. Except to their face. The folks still like to think we're all the same little rugrats they knew and love. [snort] UPTON So you make a point of lying to your folks? AMBER There's that non-sequeter again. You should really get a bug zapper. JERMYN You probably think of it as "humoring them" rather than lying. UPTON Two faced is two faced. AMBER If you can't be two-faced, you shoulda found a better one to be stuck with. UPTON Look here-- AMBER I bet you never get to play good cop. UPTON What? JERMYN Howie, maybe we should take a break. Get some water. UPTON [growl] I'm fine. JERMYN Would you get me some? Amber? AMBER Uh, sure. UPTON [annoyed noise] SOUND STOMPS OUT, DOOR SLAMS AMBER Wow. Where do I get one? JERMYN Don't be fooled - I'm not always the good cop. AMBER Oh? JERMYN You say you don't do drugs. We could test you-- AMBER [disgusted noise] pssh. JERMYN --and go through your backpack-- AMBER [worried] Huh? JERMYN But I'm going to trust you on that, because you walked right past one of our drug dogs on the way in, and I don't think you're the type to get caught in a stupid lie. AMBER [thinks, then] You think I'll get caught in a smart one? JERMYN Let's just agree that I won't underestimate you, and you do me the same favor. MUSIC AMBIANCE COLD ROOM SOUND DOOR SLIDES OPEN SIMON You can leave it there. SOUND FOOTSTEPS AMBER Hey. Wassup? SOUND WHIR OF WHEELCHAIR TURNING SIMON [annoyed] What? AMBER Just making conversation. SIMON "Wassup" isn't conversation. AMBER It is if you answer. Besides, with most of my friends, I-M-H-O, O-M-G, L-O-L is conversation. Wassup is practically a monolog. SIMON [snort, then painful noise, trying not to cough] Well. [dismissive] Now that that's settled-- AMBER [overly casual] If you want me to go, just say. [shrug] I got stuff to do. SOUND a MOMENT, then FOOTSTEPS GO AWAY SIMON [calling] You... you wanted to watch the band? MUSIC AMBIANCE INTERVIEW ROOM SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS UPTON Your water. SOUND WATER BOTTLES GET SLAMMED DOWN, ONE BY ONE JERMYN Thank you. Howie. UPTON [makes disgruntled noises] AMBER Yeah. Cheers, Howie. UPTON [disgusted noise] Huh. AMBER Look, my parents actually like me to use their names - makes them feel like they're helping me assert my personhood or something. I do it to humor them. UPTON Fine. UPTON [trying to sound unconcerned] We need a physical description of the alleged Mr. Strong. AMBER Watch a video of Madness Machine on Youtube. Then figure older. A bunch older. UPTON How very...specific. How tall was he? AMBER That's kind of a pickle. I never saw him stand up - he was always in his bumper car. UPTON What? JERMYN The mechanized wheelchair. AMBER He had to avoid exerting himself [thinking] OK, so imagine classic Simon, then really thin - like even more than heroin-chic, maybe almost to starving third world skinny. JERMYN Could it have been faked? Perhaps something in the way he dressed? AMBER Doubtful, Phyllis. He usually kicked it in jams. Not much to hide behind. UPTON Speak English. AMBER [sounding british-ish] The subject in question had a strong tendency to desport himself in capacious yet abbreviated trousers, much as those the predominant choice of American surfboard riders lean toward. JERMYN [Snicker] UPTON You mean he wore shorts. In that cold? MUSIC AMBIANCE COLD ROOM SIMON…

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Atomic Julie - Beyond the Yellow Fog (pt 4 of 8) by Emmett McDowell Sep 28, 2021

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Chapter 5 - The trip to Jupiter goes ... oddly

19 Nocturne Boulevard - THE OUTPOST - Reissue Sep 23, 2021

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[The Outpost won the Gold Mark Time Award for best sci fi audio drama for 2008] You wake up, millions of light years away, in a place nothing like home. ...What do YOU do? Cast List Grant Hickey - Gene Thorkildsen Vanessa 98949 - Julie Hoverson Lassiter - Russell Gold Yasmin - Melissa D. Johnson Recorder - Beverly Poole Episode and incidental music from the album "...go..." by Sulatus (www.sulatus.cbl.pl). (available on Jamendo.com) [Used under a Creative Commons license.] Show theme: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Would you believe it's a habitat, in an asteroid cloud, in a distant corner of the galaxy?" ********************************************************* The Outpost This story was very loosely inspired by the movie Suna No Onna (Woman in the Dunes), from 1964; directed by Hiroshi Teshigahara from the novel by Kôbô Abe, as adapted by Eiko Yoshida, starring Eiji Okada and Kyôko Kishida and the sand. It's an awesome film - superficially about a man who is trapped by a small town and placed with a woman as her new husband. In the film, he's an office worker and amateur entymologist seeking to make some kind of name for himself by finding a new species of bug on his day trip to a beach. He falls asleep and wakes to find he missed the last bus, but a local town has someone who will take him in for the night - a woman who lives at the bottom of this odd huge sand pit. The whole town live at the bottoms of these pits, and we slowly realize that the sand has built up over the town for generations, and they just dig out the areas around the huts by night and have the sand taken away. The woman lost her husband and child in a sandslide and cannot handle the work of digging the sand all by herself, so they have placed the man with her as her new husband - letting him down and taking away the ladder. The man also finds out that he's not the only one - other men in other houses were similarly abducted. I didn't want to work with any of that for my story, specifically since I had determined to make it a gender reverse, and a woman kidnapped and handed to a man to be trapped as his wife is kind of ... a lot of real history. So I focused on the subtext and themes of the movie. At its heart, it's a culture clash, the man representing "modern japan" (in the 60s) and the town and woman being so traditional that they won't even leave ancient homes that are being devoured by the sand. In modern life, people are cogs, and he's coming from a life where he's basically interchangeable - hardly even missed when he vanishes - into one where the good of the community and the comfort of the partner are directly affected by the actions of the individual and each person is therefore important. That gave me a more satisfying framework to play with. By creating these two cultures - the efficient and interchangeable people she comes from - where even her personal achievements are somewhat generic - and the humble, personal, and individual life in the asteroids, where he takes time to respect the dead, and is proud of his little triumphs. I also wanted an equivalent to the sand. The film is basically a three character piece, with the sand as much a presence as the two people in it. I made the outpost, with its gripes and problems, sounds, and needs, as similar to that as I could. I like to think it's the writing that makes this episode really great but I give a lot of credit to my costar, for being able to bring to life a male character that is strong without being overbearing, who is in control without being controlling, and who is never ashamed to feel. That left me free to be a bitch. Of course the climax comes in both stories when the captive has a chance to walk away. I won't spoil it. **************************************************************** THE OUTPOST Cast: Olivia (host) Grant Hickey (M20s-30s), calm and lonely. Stoic, eager. Vanessa 98949 (F20s-30s), sharp and commanding, modern Recorder (any) Lassiter (M20s-30s), on Janice (another nearby outpost) Yasmin (20s), another survivor of the Xanadu OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an outpost in an asteroid cloud, can't you tell? MUSIC AMBIANCE INSIDE OUTPOST MU LAMBDA EPSILON [Millie] SOUND MACHINE AND ELECTRONIC NOISES, SLOSHING OF LIQUID VANESSA [waking up noises, then with a start, coughing] GRANT Easy now. Just breathe. VANESSA [breathing, coughing a bit] GRANT Tell me. Do you know your name? VANESSA My what? Of course. GRANT Tell me your name. VANESSA Vanessa 9 [breaks into coughing] GRANT [incredulous] Your name is Vanessa 9? VANESSA Don't be stupid. It's Vanessa 98949. How old do I look? [coughing] GRANT [not a clue] Um... VANESSA Where am I? GRANT I'll tell you whatever you wanna know. Later. You're all wrung out. VANESSA Nonsense. I am ordering you to tell me-- GRANT Now there ain't no call to get huffy, miss. VANESSA [offended] Where is your Vox? I plan to let her know precisely-- GRANT My what? VANESSA [altering slightly] Your Vox? The one who gives you orders? GRANT Ain't got none. VANESSA There must be a female around here somewhere! GRANT Nope. Just me. And you. VANESSA What the hell kind of place is this? [pain] ooh.... ah. GRANT There, now. You lie back down and get yourself some rest. [fogging out] Waking from deepsub is no cakewalk... MUSIC VANESSA [waking sharply again, gasp] Ohh. SOUND SWOOSH OF POD HATCH OPENING, HESITANT FOOTSTEPS, A STUMBLE VANESSA Where is that throwback? Hmm? SOUND SHE PICKS UP A NOTE AND A RADIO VANESSA [reading] Frequency 12. great. [louder, commanding] Frequency 12. SOUND NOTHING VANESSA [more strident] Frequency 12. [Ugh!] SOUND RADIO UNIT BEING SHAKEN, CRACKLES TO LIFE VANESSA [hesitant] Frequency 12? Is there anyone here? GRANT [on filter] No need to holler. VANESSA Your comm unit isn't set to recognize my voice! GRANT [baffled] Oh. I'll... see what I can do. You need anything? VANESSA [snap] No. Well, I could use something to eat. GRANT All righty. I have to finish up something, and I'll be down as soon as I can. SOUND CLICK RADIO OFF VANESSA What? You get down here immediately! Ugh! SOUND THROWS RADIO UNIT - SOMETHING SNAPS MUSIC SOUND SHE PACES SOUND DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN, HE ENTERS, DOOR SHUTS GRANT [sigh] All righty. Brought you some chow. VANESSA [seething] It's been almost an entire hour! GRANT [matter of fact] You caught me outside. Was quicker to finish what I was doing than to come in and get back out again later. VANESSA Give me that. SOUND TRAY RATTLES GRANT [grunt of effort] No. VANESSA What? How dare you? GRANT You're in my home, and if you can't be civil, then ... well, I can be downright rude too. VANESSA There must be someone else here - I will report your behavior--! GRANT Nope. Just me. Like I told you. VANESSA Take me to your comm unit-- GRANT No. VANESSA [faltering] But I-- GRANT You can ask nicely. VANESSA [indignant] What? How can you even look me in the face and say such a thing, male? GRANT [beat, then sigh] Call me again when you're in a better mood. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN VANESSA [up] The-- [deep breath, forces herself to a nicer tone] The radio is broken. GRANT Broken? Hold up. SOUND SETS TRAY DOWN. PICKS UP RADIO VANESSA I... shook it. It wouldn't listen to me! SOUND RADIO SHAKES, RATTLES GRANT Hmm. Looks like I'm gonna have to get in there. SOUND VANESSA TRIES TO BE SNEAKY, GRABBING SOMETHING TO EAT GRANT But I still don't understand what you're saying about-- [sees her eating, makes an impatient noise] VANESSA [around a mouthful] You expect me to starve? I just woke from deepsub. I require caloric intake. GRANT [sigh, tsks] SOUND HIS FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, DOOR SWOOSHES SHUT MUSIC SOUND TINKERING WITH MACHINERY - LITTLE ZAP NOISES, ETC. VANESSA Just ...about ...there! SOUND BLIP AS SOMETHING TURNS ON RECORDER [crackly] Life pod B-L-T-L-1-4-5, ship Xanadu, designated X-14-Z-3-J--2-0-5-- VANESSA [real relief] Finally - a civilized voice! Recorder. Play back the Xanadu's final entry. RECORDER Final log entry of star cruiser Xanadu. G-vector, Delta quadrant, encountered space debris. Explosion. Unknown cause. Xanadu evac mandated. Pods loosed at ship day 172, T-vector, speed normal. VANESSA Calculate time in transit. RECORDER Calculating. One thousand, three hundred and eighty two days since Xanadu Evac. SOUND DOOR OPENS VANESSA Four years--? GRANT [off] You were on a star cruiser? VANESSA [gasp] SOUND BONKS HEAD AS SHE REACTS GRANT That musta been interesting. VANESSA Yes, I am part of the crew of the Star Cruiser Xanadu, bound for Ganymede 800 in the Gargon nebula. There will be people looking for me. GRANT [rueful] Not here they won't. VANESSA What do you mean? GRANT I don't know what all your specs there are, but first, no one much comes this far out, and second, well, I do know the Gargon Nebula is hellagone from here. VANESSA You have to let me contact someone. GRANT Nope. I don't have to do anything. VANESSA I order you! As third under-lieutenant subchief, engineering bay 5 of the star cruiser Xanadu, I command you to take me to your comm room. GRANT Pff. SOUND DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE VANESSA [very last second] Please. GRANT [off, leaning in] Wish I could. Left you some food there. SOUND DOOR SHUTS MUSIC SOUND ELECTRONIC MENDING NOISES SOUND DOOR OPENS GRANT Whatcha doing? VANESSA Keeping busy. What do you want? GRANT You about ready to come out? VANESSA Out of what? GRANT The room here? VANESSA The room? [working up] You kept me locked up in here, and now you ask-- GRANT Door don't even lock. I was wondering why you never-- SOUND HER STOMPING FOOTSTEPS VANESSA Door open! See? Nothing happens! GRANT Well o'course not. Doors don't have ears. VANESSA Normal doors take orders. Radios too. GRANT You're an underengineer sub chief thingee and you don't even know how to work a door? VANESSA Normal doors take orders! GRANT Well, I guess we're all a bit old fashioned here. This is how you open the door. Wave your hand right here-- SOUND WhoooosH. DOOR OPENS VANESSA [sullen] Oh. I see. Wait! GRANT What? SOUND SLAMS HIM UP AGAINST THE WALL VANESSA You said we're all a bit old fashioned - who is "we"? GRANT [controlling some strong emotion, at being slammed against a wall] Well - um - I was including the doors and all. [deep breath] Since you like t'talk to them all. SOUND SHE LETS GO MUSIC GRANT [off] To the left there. SOUND DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN. A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS, THEY SLOW VANESSA This is it? GRANT [pride] Yup. Millie's brain center. There are 42 more like her spread throughout the cloud - um, here. SOUND BUTTONS PUSH. SCREEN HUMS TO LIFE GRANT Pretty, huh? VANESSA It's rubbish. GRANT [hurt, but covering] Millie has 12 chambers - each a self-sealing unit, in case of breaches - and a backup-- VANESSA How do you call out? GRANT Hmm? VANESSA Out! How do you call out! I need to make arrangements to get the hell out of here! GRANT It don't quite work that-- VANESSA Nothing here works! Nothing works at all! [almost hysterical] SOUND SLAP VANESSA [stunned gasp] GRANT Now I'm real sorry about that, but you need to breathe. And let me finish my sentences. VANESSA I could have you up on charges so fast! GRANT Well, not here, you couldn't. [sigh] Now, as I was about to say, you can call the other habitats, or the quarterly supply ship - if he's in range. Just might be - he come through here only last week. VANESSA Another male? What is this, throwback central? GRANT What you got against fellows? VANESSA [disgusted noise] Males have been proven inferior and in the civilized galaxy have been effectively relegated to a purely functional capacity. GRANT You mean where you come from is all ladies? Don't it get boring? VANESSA What? What are you implying--? GRANT Just - well, how do you have kids? VANESSA GRANT So everyone has to have kids? VANESSA No one "has" children. [shrugs, indifferent] Everyone donates genetic material, and it's automatically matched up with compatible fertilizing agents. Children belong to the community, and are raised in a proper safe environment, under supervision. GRANT But - those poor little boys and girls-- VANESSA Girls. GRANT [sigh] Them poor little kids, never knowing who their - mommas are. VANESSA They're cared for by properly trained personnel. Much better for their long-term physical and mental health. How would someone like me, with a career on a star cruiser, ever find that sort of time? GRANT That's real sad. VANESSA Not to mention, I haven't spent my life immersed in study of childhood ailments and development. GRANT Well, neither did my mama. VANESSA Yes. I'm sure. GRANT [hurt, slightly annoyed] Look, you can mock me, and turn your nose up at Millie, but don't you never speak ill of my mama. SOUND CRACKLE OF STATIC LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Hey Grant? You there? Grant? You there? SOUND SQUEAK OF CHAIR, CLICK GRANT Yup. Whatcha need? LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] That capsule thing you sold me - you got yours to work OK? GRANT [hurried] Ah, hell. Let me call you back, Lassiter. SOUND CLICK VANESSA [absolute fury] Sold? GRANT I got work to do. SOUND SLIGHT SCUFFLE, SHE BLOCKS HIM FROM LEAVING VANESSA [not quite screaming] Was he talking about a deepsub pod like mine? GRANT [muttered] I find all sorts of things. VANESSA You sold a - a - a PERSON to that - that male? GRANT What makes you think the pod weren't empty? VANESSA That's slavery! And you know what that means? GRANT Don't matter. Sides, what would I do with two of y'all out here? VANESSA The same as you're doing with one - nothing at all! GRANT [standing up to her a bit] Yup. long as I'm talking to you, I'm doing nothing at all. Like I said, I got work to do. SOUND HE LEAVES, DOOR MUSIC VANESSA It was one of these switches-- SOUND RADIO STATIC VANESSA Yes! [lower, into the mike] Lassiter? Come in Lassiter? LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Huh? Who's this? VANESSA I'm at .... Millie. LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Excellent - it did work! You tell Grant to let me know what he did, y'hear? VANESSA To wake up the woman in the pod? LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Yeah. [eager] I can't wait. VANESSA [warning] Lassiter. You do know it's vastly illegal to rescue someone and then force them into slavery, don't you? LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] What? VANESSA If you press her into service, you are committing high seas slavery, according to Rule 4715 D of the unitary code. LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Is Grant there? Can you put him on? VANESSA Shut up! LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Jeez. VANESSA Lassiter. I will make a bargain with you. LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] I dunno-- VANESSA I will help you revive the survivor, if you will -- let me talk to her as soon as she wakes up. LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Sure. VANESSA And if you understand that I will find a way to come over there and kill you if you hurt her in any way. LASSITER [scratchy, on filter] Hurt her? Hey! I paid good money for-- VANESSA Agh! MUSIC YASMIN [scratchy, on filter] What do I do? VANESSA Be placating - we have to try and get together, make our way home. YASMIN Aye-aye, Vox. Data mode for now. I await your word. VANESSA Remind him I will kill him if he hurts you. YASMIN He doesn't seem very threatening. I could put him down if I have to. VANESSA Good. Engineer Vanessa 98949 Out. YASMIN Yasmin 222338 Out. GRANT [sad] Whatcha doing? SOUND CHAIR WHIPS AROUND VANESSA Huh? GRANT I see you found your friend. VANESSA We wer…

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Atomic Julie - Beyond the Yellow Fog (pt3 of 8) by Emmett McDowell Sep 21, 2021

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Chapters 3 and 4!

The ship finally gets into orbit, and with difficulty must try and escape law enforcement.

19 Nocturne Boulevard - WHERE ARE YOU NOW? - Reissue Sep 16, 2021

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[warning - mature themes and explicit violence] A surreal Q&A session reveals the workings of a victim's mind. Cast List Marnie - Julie Hoverson Doc - Julie Hoverson Jerry - Brandon O'Brien Momma - Risa Torres Harold - Mr. Synyster Deputy Fred - Joel Harvey Little Girl - Krystal Baker Little Boy - Marhya Post Grampa - Rick Lewis Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Photos: Alan Bridges (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Don't you know where you are?" *********************************************************** Where are You Now? This is a weird ass episode. I wrote this very deliberately in a stream of consciousness style, probably inspired by a weird dream, but I don't remember specifically. I did write the entire script in roughly one sitting, then cast and recorded it immediately - I wanted to see if I could make an entire episode in a single week, which I basically did. The most challenging effect in this was throwing the chiffoniere down the stairs. I actually have a sort of sequel - more in tone than using the same character(s), obviously - in mind, and may do it someday. A big part of the idea for this was to make the vast bulk of the dialog mine, so I didn't have to get too much out of other people, thus making it a quicker recording turnaround. SPOILER ALERT!!! I'm going to explain, sort of, what this episode is and what it means, at the end of the transcript, below. A lot of info will be there, since most of my memories of making this are tied up in why I wrote what I wrote. *********************************************************** WHERE ARE YOU NOW? Cast: Olivia Doc (F/40+), german, sounds like shrink Marnie (F/20), hysterical young woman Harold (M/30), mush mouthed freak Fred (M/30), a crooked deputy Old Man (M/senile) Creepy Little Girl (F/10) Creepy Little Boy (M/10) Momma (F/30ish), Mrs. Cleaver - with cleaver Jerry (M/20), Marnie's dead boyfriend. OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Don't you know where you are? MUSIC SCENE 1. SOUND A SLOW CHORD, WHICH STAYS UNTIL NOTED DOC Where are you now? MARNIE [startled awake] What? DOC Can you hear my voice, Marnie? MARNIE Yes. DOC Where are you now? MARNIE [slightly panicked] I - I don't know. DOC Tell me what you see. MARNIE I see a room. DOC Are there people in the room? MARNIE [fear] Yes! DOC You are safe, Marnie. Calm down. Now tell me what you see. MARNIE [calm, almost robotic] I see five people sitting at the table. DOC Are you sitting with them? MARNIE No, I'm in the corner. DOC Do they know you're there? MARNIE [ominous] Oh, yes. DOC Tell me what they look like. MARNIE There's a very old man, a small boy, a girl who looks a bit older than the boy, a police officer, and a very large man with a bag over his head. DOC Is there food on the table? MARNIE No. It's not here yet. DOC Good. Tell me one thing about the little girl. MARNIE Her eyes can suck your soul. DOC Good. And the old man? MARNIE He has a scar on his leg that aches when it rains. DOC Good. Has the food arrived yet? MARNIE The one with the bag is named Harold. DOC Please answer only the questions I ask you, Marnie. MARNIE [frightened, small] I'm sorry. DOC I forgive you. MARNIE I love you. DOC That was not the question. MARNIE [trying to remember] Um. Um. The food! No. Still no food. DOC Good. Are you comfortable? MARNIE [lying, almost a whisper] Yessss. DOC Very good. Tell me about where you are sitting. MARNIE I'm in the corner. DOC Are you in a chair? Look down. MARNIE It's a chair with wheels, and straps. DOC Straps? Are you strapped in? MARNIE [breathing hard, getting louder and louder] Yes - my hands are - hands are - I can move them, but the leather cuffs - like movies about crazy people! DOC Are you crazy? MARNIE [almost a wail] No! DOC Can you control yourself, Marnie? MARNIE [a couple of gasping breaths, then quickly] Yes! DOC I can help you. MARNIE [wail] No! No! [gasp, then tight but controlled] No. I'm all right. DOC For now. MARNIE I feel... peachy. DOC [beat] Your hands are restrained. What else? MARNIE There's a strap around my chest, and I can feel one around my legs. DOC Do the people talk? MARNIE Yes. Some. They're waiting for someone. DOC Someone? Or the food? MARNIE [almost hysterical] I don't know! DOC What do they say? Tell me exactly. MARNIE I'll try-- DOC [still even and calm] Trying isn't going to cut it, missy. MARNIE [noisy gulp] DOC I know you can do it. MARNIE [sob] The man with the bag doesn't talk at all. DOC Harold? MARNIE Yes, Harold. DOC And? MARNIE The policeman says-- MUSIC FADES OUT, NO OTHER TRANSITION SCENE 2. FRED You shoulda seen her! Jumped clean over the fence. BOY I can do that. OLD MAN Pancakes. FRED You can't 'cause - 'cause you're a little butterball. BOY I'm magic. GIRL [pronouncing] You are a shoe. SOUND CLATTER OF SPOON DROPPED ON PLATE OLD MAN Pancakes! Pan! Cakes! FRED [panicky, trying to calm him] Shh! Shh! Pancakes, yes. It's all coming. Shh. Clouds. [dropping to a whisper] Little white fluffy clouds. OLD MAN [drawn out whisper] Pancakesssss. Pancakes. SOUND MOMENT OF SILENCE, THEN SCENE 3. MUSIC COMES IN WITH A CHORD DOC [sigh] You know what happens when you lie to me. MARNIE [resigned groan] I'm not lying. DOC Pancakes? MARNIE [almost a sob] Yes. DOC The food - is it there yet? MARNIE [sharp gasp, then frightened] It's coming! DOC Good. Let's move forward. Who brings the food? MARNIE [awe, fear] Momma. DOC Tell me. MARNIE [mounting fear] Perfect. Plastic. Pearls. Each hair in line, like sweet little soldiers. DOC She is carrying--? MARNIE [rising fear] She ...has a cart. There is a covered dish. DOC What are you wearing? MARNIE [snapped back] What? DOC I ask the questions. MARNIE I'm sorry! DOC What are you wearing. Look down. MARNIE Oh. [beat] T-shirt, jeans - I can feel ... sneakers. DOC And--? MARNIE What? DOC [warning] And--? MARNIE My clothes? They're... torn up - I think I was in a fight. DOC [calm again] Are you injured? MARNIE [beat] My ankle hurts. I'm scratched up. My... head... DOC [avid] Is there blood? MARNIE I - DOC [avid] Is there blood? MARNIE I - I don't think it's mine. DOC Tell me who then. MARNIE [on a long sigh] Jerry. DOC How? MARNIE [shocked] I found him in the barn. He was flopped over the edge of the ...hayloft - I thought he was dead. There was blood everywhere. [starting to sob] Dripping all over me. DOC What did you-- MARNIE [interrupting, still sobbing] Then he - he moaned. MUSIC FADES OUT SCENE 4. JERRY [very weak] Marnie! MARNIE [whispering] Jerry! Oh, god - Jerry! SOUND CREAKING OF LADDER JERRY Help... me.... MARNIE Here, let me move you - [grunt as she drags him] JERRY [moans, trying to keep quiet] MARNIE Oh, god. JERRY It's bad. MARNIE I think so. It's too dark. JERRY [gasping, in agony] No. It was the kid. You have to get out of here! MARNIE But you-- JERRY I ... I'm not going anywhere ... you gotta go and get help! MARNIE Where? JERRY Just get the hell out! The woods-- MARNIE [smothered gasping sob] JERRY [whisper] Shit! HAROLD 3,4 shut the door...? SOUND BARN DOOR CREAKS OPEN MARNIE [smothered gasping sob] SOUND SILENCE, THEN SCENE 5. MUSIC CUTS IN DOC Is that when they took you in? MARNIE No. Jerry distracted him. DOC Who? MARNIE Harold. DOC [satisfied, smug] Harold. MARNIE [sobbing] After I jumped out the window, I heard Jerry scream. DOC [warning] Did I ask? MARNIE No? DOC You don't sound very sure. MARNIE [quick, panicky] No. You didn't ask. I'm sorry. DOC I think you need a reminder-- MARNIE Please! I remember! [long beat, then] I... love you. DOC Pancakes. MARNIE Pancakes? DOC Is the food on the table? MARNIE [long shaky sigh of relief] Yes. DOC Where did you sleep? MARNIE [blindsided] What? DOC Where did you sleep? MARNIE I didn't.... Oh, I was... knocked out. The food‑‑? DOC Please try and keep up. When were you knocked out? MARNIE That was later - after... Jerry. DOC Who did it? MARNIE Harold, I said it was Harold. DOC That knocked you out. MARNIE Oh, no. He did Jerry. DOC You're not following. Let's have a break. MARNIE [long wail] No!!! SOUND ELECTRIC HUM MARNIE Umumumumum. [jittery series of hums, like being electrocuted] MUSIC OUT SOUND HEARTBEAT SCENE 6. AMBIANCE WOODS, CHEERFUL SOUND CRUNCHING OF WALKING JERRY Marnie? MARNIE Yeah? JERRY Uh, This camping trip isn't too bad, eh? I mean, I know you didn't want to-- MARNIE [sweet] It's not too bad. Gloria had to beg me to get me to come, but... It's OK. JERRY I mean, what can you say against nature, right? Fresh air, secluded lake. Perfect for... skinny dipping? MARNIE I brought a suit. JERRY Ah... It'll be cool. MARNIE Probably freezing - that's a glacier-fed lake. But, yes, it will be fun. JERRY Good. You don't mind ... Gloria being kinda busy all the time? MARNIE Oh, you noticed? [laughs] She and Tim haven't stopped fooling around since we got here. MUSIC SUDDENLY CUTS IN SCENE 7. DOC Better now? MARNIE [gasping, shuddering, trying to force words out coherently] Better. Yes. Of course. DOC Good. Let's continue. MARNIE [snorty sob, then deep breath] All right. DOC Jerry died. MARNIE [almost a sob] Yes. DOC You loved him. MARNIE I think so. DOC You don't know? MARNIE I - I liked him, but we were just getting to know... each... other? [afraid she said something wrong, gasping snorty sobs] DOC [beat, then slightly disdainful] How sweet. MARNIE [she calms a bit] DOC Did you screw him? MARNIE No! DOC Of course not - pure sweet innocent you. MARNIE I-- I don't-- DOC [casual] Shut up. MARNIE [hiccuping gasp] DOC Where is Gloria? MARNIE Gloria? [starting to cry] She's my best friend. DOC Was that the question? MARNIE She... she... Um [trying to remember] she's dead? DOC [sigh, tsks] MARNIE No - no! She's - was - in the van. DOC Very good. [beat] When did you find her? MARNIE Uh - after the barn. I was trying to get away. [suddenly remembering] Jerry gave me the keys. DOC Good old Jerry. Go on. MARNIE I ran to the van, and Gloria and Tim ... were... [sobs] DOC Please be specific. MARNIE [through sobs] They were in the middle of - you know-- DOC Sex? MARNIE Yes. They were together, and someone had cut off... both... their... heads...! DOC [Tsks] MARNIE The heads were lined up next to them... like they were watching. DOC Charming. MARNIE Checking their progress. DOC Has the food arrived? MARNIE [gasp, stops herself from speaking, then dead calm] Yes. Momma is in the room. DOC What does she do? MARNIE [getting agitated] She opens the dish. DOC What is in the dish? MARNIE [almost incapable of speaking] Sssteam. DOC Look down at your lap. MARNIE [snort, hiccup] Yes. DOC What do you see? MARNIE My knees. Blood. The carpet. I'm glad the blood is all tacky, so it won't drip and ruin the carpet. They would be so angry. DOC Are they talking? MARNIE Yes. DOC Don't look. Just speak the words. MARNIE Momma says-- MUSIC OUT SCENE 8. MOMMA Three cheers for the founder of the feast. FRED Hip hip hooray-- [tapers off, when he realizes no one else is with him] Oh. LITTLE GIRL Can I eat the tail? LITTLE BOY Pancakes. OLD MAN PAN CAKES! FRED You just had to set him off! Didn't you? HAROLD [quietly] 1-2 buckle my shoe. OLD MAN PanCAKES! Lovely golden brown. MOMMA Nothing like a nice dinner together. SCENE 9. DOC Are there empty chairs? MARNIE No. They are all here. DOC What about your chair? MARNIE I'm in it. DOC Are you? Look back. MARNIE I'm strapped in. DOC You must have got free. MARNIE Yes. I-- [gasps and catches herself] DOC What? MARNIE I'm sorry. That wasn't the question. DOC Good girl. SOUND ELECTRICITY MARNIE [hums and groans with the jolts] SOUND HEARTBEAT SCENE 10. AMBIANCE OUTSIDE, PLEASANT WOODS JERRY Don't worry about it. It was probably just a hiker or something. MARNIE [mildly worried] But he looked so weird. His face was like a puzzle. JERRY It was just the bushes. MARNIE I know. JERRY I bet it was the weird guy we saw on the road on the way in. You know, the one that just stood there and stared as we drove past. You know. Now, we all agreed this weekend is for fun. SOUND SPLASH MARNIE What was that? JERRY What? MARNIE The splash? JERRY Wow, you need some serious relaxation. MARNIE But I heard a splash, and -- Something wet? JERRY Nonsense. [fading out] It's just last night's rain. DOC [whispered voice, very spooky] Marnie. MARNIE Jerry! I know you must have heard that! JERRY Marnie, you're making yourself into a basket case. There's nobody for miles around! It's perfectly safe. MARNIE But that voice-- DOC [quick echoey whisper] Marnie. MARNIE It knows my name! DOC Wake up! SOUND WOODS VANISH SCENE 11. MARNIE [Crying] Why can't you just leave me? DOC Now, that wouldn't do either of us any good, would it? MARNIE I want to stay there. With my friends. DOC And die? MARNIE [hiccups sobs, then uncertain] Yes. DOC I don't think that's quite true. MARNIE Yes. DOC You fought so hard to get here. MARNIE I walked on broken glass. DOC Poor toes. Poor little piggies. MARNIE [resigned] What do you want? DOC I ask the questions. MARNIE [sigh] Fine. Go on. DOC I also give the orders. MARNIE [beat, sniff] I'm ready. DOC Maybe you can learn the rules. [beat] Very good. Where are you now? MARNIE Right here. DOC Are you? MARNIE [unsure] Yes. DOC Close your eyes and when you open them, you will see clouds. MARNIE Clouds? DOC Do you see them? MARNIE I'm afraid. DOC Open your eyes. MARNIE Clouds. SCENE 12. OLD MAN k-k-k-k-ake. LITTLE GIRL Burn it. MOMMA Dig in! FRED Again? LITTLE BOY There's a face in my soup. SCENE 13. MARNIE [screams] DOC Don't backslide. MARNIE [screams and sobs] DOC [tsks] And we were making such good progress. [sigh] SOUND SINGLE SHORT JOLT OF ELECTRICITY MARNIE [gasps to a stop] DOC Just right. Thought I was going to lose you. MARNIE I can't look! Not at that! DOC Have to toughen you up. MARNIE I can't-- DOC Look down. MARNIE My lap. DOC And in your lap? MARNIE Hands. DOC Restrained? MARNIE Yes. DOC Really? MARNIE [unsure] Yes? DOC Then how will you escape? MARNIE I... can't. DOC That is not the right answer. MARNIE Please help me! DOC Are they very tight? MARNIE No. But if I get loose, they'll see. DOC But if you don't get loose while they eat, you will end up in the clouds. MARNIE Pancakes. DOC Precisely. Can you pull loose? MARNIE I have to brace it against my leg. DOC Good girl. Now you're thinking. Describe the room. MARNIE The table-- DOC I know about the table. Where are the windows and doors? MARNIE The windows are steamed over. DOC Doors? MARNIE Momma came from the kitchen. To my right. [slowly, carefully looking around] There's a door beside me. Over my left shoulder. DOC Watch them. Tell me what they're saying while you get your hands free. MARNIE I can't-- DOC Do you want it again? MARNIE No! [beat, breathing harshly] I can't look at them. DOC Listen. MUSIC SCENE 14. LITTLE BOY I'm not hungry. LITTLE GIRL I'll eat yours. I want to grow up big and strong. OLD GUY [mmm mmm mmm - chewing noisily] HAROLD Five, six. FRED Tasty, momma. As usual. MOMMA Oh, you! MARNIE Almost. DOC Talk to me, not them. MARNIE It hurts. DOC Life is pain. MOMMA Clean your plate, Hun. FRED He's a little butterball. MOMMA [cold as ice] That's not nice. FRED Sorry, Momma. Sorry! I love you. MOMMA Did I ask you? Harold - look at this mess. HAROLD Lay them straight? MOMMA You can take him and hose him off. FRED Yes, momma. MOMMA And soak that pillowcase. [cutesy] Can't have my good linens all stained. FRED Can I finish eating first?…

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Atomic Julie - Beyond the Yellow Fog (pt2 of 8) by Emmett McDowell Sep 14, 2021

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Gavin Murdock is ambushed before he can even get on his new ship! Will he be able to accomplish his clandestine goals?

19 Nocturne Boulevard - THE SAKI QUARTETTE - Reissue Sep 09, 2021

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Adapted by Julie Hoverson from several stories by Saki (H.H. Munro). Four girls waiting for punishment tell tales of pranks they've pulled. Cast List Vera - Beverly Poole Matilda - Lyndsey Thomas Helen - Julie Hoverson Nora - Chandra Wade Alice - Xandria Nirvana Barber Shock Tactics Heasant - Megan Lane Bertie - Jasper Loovis The Boar-Pig Stossen - Jody Montague Miss Stossen - Hillary Dixon The Storyteller Bachelor - Cole Hornaday The Open Window Nuttel - Kim Turner Aunt - Robyn Keyes Uncle - Rick Lewis Alice's stunt doubles Caira Greenfield and Draven Schoberg Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Photo: Daniel O'Connell (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an Edwardian girls' school, can't you tell? This way to the Headmistress' office..." http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/OpeWin.shtml ************************************************************* [transcript follows] The Saki Quartette Adapted by Julie Hoverson from several stories. I am a huge fan of H.H. Munro, who wrote under the pen name Saki in the early years of the 20th century. His career ended prematurely when he was killed in The Great War at the age of 46. Saki is mainly remembered today for the amazing story "The Open Window," which I encourage everyone to read before listening to this episode, so I don't spoil it for you. It's available on Project Gutenberg, you can get a reading on librivox, it's around. It is considered to be one of the best short stories ever written in English, right up there with The Lottery by Shirley Jackson. While Saki wrote a number of supernatural, suspense, or speculative stories, his forte was relatively cruel humor - but always inflicted on those pompous enough that you didn't feel too badly for them. And since nobody really got hurt - unless you take it from a modern "mental damage" perspective, you can laugh. Clovis Sangrail was an ever-recurrent character who sailed through many stories leaving havoc in his wake, but Vera from The Open Window reappeared from time to time as well (later described as a "flapper") - the two of them intersecting in The Almanac. This episode is an homage to Saki, and incorporates elements from four of his short stories - Shock Tactics, The Boar-Pig, The Storyteller, and of course The Open Window - with a bit of wrap story that is entirely my own. Three of the four principal girls were from my old high school's drama department, the fourth was me. Several of the other voices were drawn from ART (American Radio Theater). It's not a perfect recording - we can't seem to keep the pronunciation of "aunt" straight between us (including me) - and I hadn't yet learned how to clean tracks perfectly yet, but overall it's fun and quite funny. Episodes like this were one reason I determined form the start that I wasn't going to nail myself into a "horror story" format. The name "19 Nocturne Boulevard" is suggestive of the dark side, but open-ended enough to go anywhere I wanted to go. And as an aside, it has nothing to do with nocturne alley, is it, from Harry Potter? Several people have commented on that, but when I created 19 Nocturne Boulevard, it was sometime around 2006, and I hadn't - I may have heard of Harry Potter, but I never actually read the books. This was entirely on my own. It's not a pun like Nocturne alley - nocturnally - was. I remember the summer of sitting there and thinking I want a number, and an address that sounds cool - what's a cool street? While sitting around at meetings of American Radio Theater. ******************************************************** SAKI QUARTETTE Cast: Olivia, host Vera [open window] [15], sly Matilda [boar-pig] [14], mischievous Helen [shock tactics] [10], eager Nora [storyteller] [11], shy, rules-bound Alice [15], older girl, screams a lot [Shock Tactics] Bertie, Helen's older brother Heasant, their mother [Boar-Pig] Stossen Miss Stossen [Storyteller] Bachelor [open window] Nuttel Vera's Aunt Vera's Uncle OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an Edwardian girls' school, can't you tell? This way to the headmistress's office. MUSIC CHEEKY MUSIC FADES INTO SOUND CHEERFUL RUNNING CHILDREN, THEN FADES SOUND CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY, then under [three girls sit on a bench outside the headmistress' office, waiting to be punished] SOUND COUGHS, FIDGETS. SMALL FOOT KICKING CHAIR. HELEN Why send us here if we're only to wait? NORA [startled] Huh? What? HELEN Oh, Nora. I wish I could sleep with my eyes open. I said, 'Why--' ALICE [superior] To put us into the proper frame of mind. To contemplate our misdeeds. HELEN That's silly - I've been thinking about anything and everything BUT my misdeeds. ALICE That's adults for you. SOUND FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. MATILDA SITS. MATILDA Well, well. Fresh blood? ALICE They don't look very promising. HELEN [huff] I'll have you know I've been called on the carpet plenty of times-- MATILDA [sweetly, cutting her off] --don't care. Besides, I wasn't referring to that. [aside, to Alice] You're right, they're not much good. I think one of 'em is a waxwork. ALICE Oh, well-- SOUND DOOR OPENS. SLOW FOOTSTEPS. VERA [heaves a deep sigh] Your turn, Miss Tramplethorpe. ALICE Once more into the breach. SOUND BENCH SQUEAKS AS SHE STANDS. SLOW FOOTSTEPS. DOOR SHUTS. VERA If you don't mind, I'll join you for a bit. NORA But you should be getting back-- SOUND FOOTSTEPS, BENCH MATILDA Not a mannequin, then. No one will notice, at least for a bit. Was it truly awful, Vera? VERA Rather. SOUND MUFFLED BY DOOR, SOUND OF SIX SMACKS [RULER ACROSS HAND] UNDERLIE THE TALKING. NORA What did you do? What did ...she do? VERA I? I did nothing. I will swear it to my grave. MATILDA It's vulgar to ask for details. HELEN I talked back to a teacher. I've been told. She didn't make any mention of it at the time, but I got a note sending me here. NORA It's all quiet now, is it ...over? MATILDA Of course not. There's always castigation. HELEN Isn't that immodest? MATILDA [sighs impatiently] VERA It means Miss Twicket will be talking at her for some time. Then there may be more strokes, depending on whether she is contrite. NORA Are you contrite? HELEN [superior] It's vulgar to ask. VERA [chuckles] But I'm not. It was entirely worth it. [to Matilda, over the smaller girls] I'll have to get back soon, Matilda, should we have a quick go-round? MATILDA Without Alice? SOUND ALICE WAILS, MUFFLED BY THE DOOR. VERA [wincing] She'll likely be a while. MATILDA What about the small fry? NORA That's not very nice. HELEN I'll have you know-- VERA Oh, let's. They'll never split on us - will you? NORA But - but - but what is it you--? HELEN [eager] I'll never tell. I'm not a sneak. NORA But we don't even know what-- MATILDA Promise or you'll never know. HELEN I promise. I'll never reveal anything, even under torture with wild horses. NORA Well... HELEN If you don't promise, you're doing me out, too. NORA [reluctant] I don't know. Ow! [she's been pinched] I won't tell!! VERA and MATILDA laugh. VERA It's not so very awful, ducklings. We have a bit of a club - we call it the Ducks and Geese. We each take any chance we get to play little tricks on people, and then share the stories. We're the ducks... HELEN And they are the Geese? MATILDA Yes. And whomever has the best story, wins. NORA Wins? What? MATILDA Vera here is quite a champion liar. VERA [correcting] I prefer the term "romancer." MATILDA We always meet here, so we all have to get ourselves into scrapes from time to time, just so we can link up. HELEN [excited, but controlling herself] How does one join? MATILDA You have to have a story. Something good. I've got a lovely one from last summer holiday. VERA Oh, I expect I can top it. SOUND SLAPPING AGAIN, SIX OF THE BEST. ALICE [off] [HOWLS in pain] HELEN [chagrined] Oh. Goodness. [beat] well, I haven't really... NORA I would never-- MATILDA [dry] I'm shocked. [to Vera] Oh, well, we'll have to talk later. Perhaps Alice will be out soon. HELEN Since I didn't know to prepare, what if I have a truly lovely story, even though it wasn't me that did the joke? MATILDA I don't think so. Sorry. VERA Well... We might listen. It will pass some time, and then we can deliberate. MATILDA It had better be good. HELEN I think so - My older brother has a friend-- VERA Oh, not a friend of a friend tale - those are old enough to have beards. HELEN --this friend is quite the card. MATILDA An ace or a joker? HELEN His name is Clovis Sangrail. [SILENCE FOR A MOMENT] VERA Oh-ho! MATILDA Truly? You know Clovis? Perhaps we should make you a member just on the basis of that. NORA Who is Clovis Singrill? VERA [very superior] Sangrail. He is our own Jove - the very top of the tree when it comes to our sort of japes. MATILDA Absolutely the lobster's dress shirt. Though if I do say so myself, a distant cousin of mine, Reginald, is starting to make a good showing. VERA Go on, then. You must tell us your Clovis story. We might decide to be kind, even if it would be nepotism of a sort. MATILDA Clever by association. What was your name, again, duckling? HELEN Helen. Well, my oldest brother Bertie was chafing terribly, since being nearly 20, he felt mother should stop reading his private correspondence. VERA Oh, I cured mine of that long ago. HELEN Yes, but Bertie's simply not assertive - not on his own. SOUND MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK SCENE HELEN [fading] So one day, a letter arrives... MRS. HEASANT [off, a wail, then coming on] Ohhh! Helen! Oh, heavens, Helen! Bertie is in the toils of an adventuress! [ominously] Her name is Clotilde! HELEN Truly, mother? Where? In the rose garden? MRS. HEASANT No! In the post! HELEN How did they fit in the post? MRS. HEASANT Hssh! Listen to this: "Bertie, carissimo, I wonder if you will have the nerve to do it. Don't forget the jewels. They are a detail, but details interest me. Yours as ever, Clotilde. Postscript - Your mother must not know of my existence. If questioned swear you never heard of me." HELEN Clotilde? I don't know of any-- MRS. HEASANT Well, your brother certainly does! HELEN Perhaps he only just-- MRS. HEASANT Oh, no! "As Ever" she says! As ever! They've been carrying on under my very nose for ...who knows how long. HELEN [narrating] When my brother returned home, mother braced him with the incriminating Clotilde, and of course he denied it. MRS. HEASANT How well you have learned your lesson! HELEN He really didn't make much of it, and when she insisted he would have no dinner unless he confessed, I saw him take rather a quantity of sandwich materials up to his room with him. Then, with the next post: NORA [completely enthralled] Another letter? HELEN Oh, yes. SOUND INSISTENT KNOCKING ON DOOR BERTIE [muffled, speaking through door] What is it this time? MRS. HEASANT Miserable boy! What have you done to Dagmar? BERTIE [muffled] It's Dagmar now, is it? It will be Geraldine next. MRS. HEASANT [in absolute hysterics] That it should come to this, after all my efforts. It's no use; Clotilde's letter betrays everything. [reading] "Poor Dagmar. Now she is done for I almost pity her. The servants all think it was suicide. Better not touch the jewels till after the inquest. Clotilde." [leaves off with a wail] SOUND DOOR OPENS BERTIE I don't suppose this letter betrays who this Clotilde is? Seriously, mother, if you go on like this I shall have to go fetch a doctor; I've often enough been preached at about nothing, but I've never had an imaginary harem dragged into the discussion. SOUND DOOR SLAMS HELEN Mother could have used a doctor, for she was utterly purple about the face from screaming, and had to go and have a lie down - at least until the next post. SOUND KNOCKING ON DOOR, MUCH SUBDUED MRS. HEASANT [also much subdued] Bertie? Bertie, darling? BERTIE What is it this time? Have I stolen the Mona Lisa? MRS. HEASANT No. You... have another letter. From ... Mr. Sangrail. SOUND DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN BERTIE [not giving an inch] Why not go on and tell me what he has to say? MRS. HEASENT [clears throat, then reads, much abashed] "Dear Bertie. I hope I haven't distracted your brain with the spoof letters. You told me the other day that ...somebody... at your home [ahem] tampered with your letters, so I thought I would give them something exciting to read. [slowing with embarrassment] The... shock might do them good..." HELEN [finishing up] And then, Bertie threatened to get a nerve specialist in to look at mother, since she was obviously far too highly strung - and she couldn't possibly stand the scandal, she said - and they agreed he wouldn't - but only if she would stop. Reading his mail, you see. NORA [concerned] But, did she? HELEN [ominous] So far. MATILDA We'll review your application. Next? NORA I? Oh, I truly don't have anything... VERA [warning] You'd best think of something. We can't have outsiders hearing all our secrets. MATILDA I'll go ahead and tell mine - it's not so exotic as to cause a panic, and it will give this little gosling time to think. VERA I suppose so. What do you think, Helen? HELEN [surprised and thrilled] Me? Oh! [trying to sound grown up and important] Oh. I think we should give her one more chance. She had no time to prepare, after all. SOUND SMACKING AGAIN FROM WITHIN, ALICE WAILS MATILDA Speaking of preparing - I'd best be quick, as I believe I'm next for the chop. Very well, I was staying with my aunt in the country, and it was the day of a very important garden party - some princess was attending and everyone wanted to come. My aunt gloated over the guest list for days. VERA What is it with aunts? It's as if we all have at least one who is utterly impossible. NORA [something is coming to her] Ah! Aunts... MATILDA Mine told me to be on my best behavior, and to imitate my insipid cousin, Claude, which would have been quite horrible. HELEN [bold, trying to sound knowing] I think everyone must have a cousin Claude or Eggbert, or ... something [falters] as... as well as an aunt... MATILDA [sigh, eye roll] So... so, when they got on me for eating too much raspberry trifle at luncheon, they said over and over that Claude would never do a thing like that. So when Claude went down for his nap - imagine, he's all of 11 and still goes meekly to afternoon naps like an infant. GIRLS [SNICKER] VERA He's the type who will end up married to someone quite overbearing. HELEN Like an aunt? GIRLS [SNICKER TERRIBLY] MATILDA While he was napping, I took the opportunity to take a huge dish of raspberry trifle and force feed it to him - well, much of it got on his sailor suit and the bed, but enough went down him that they will never again be able to say he's never eaten too much raspberry trifle. VERA Oh, that's a good one! NORA I do have a story! MATILDA I'm not finished - that is merely the prologue to my tale, explaining why I was sitting in the back paddock, rather than prancing about the garden party with Claude and Auntie. NORA Oh! I'm so-- VERA Shh. Pray continue, scherezade. HELEN I thought her name was Matilda? VERA Oh, hush. MATILDA [taking a deep breath] So I was sitting in a medlar tree, being stupefied with boredom, when I saw two ladies, dressed as if for the garden party, sail through the paddock in an attempt at infiltration. HELEN Weren't the…

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