19 Nocturne Boulevard

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**19 Nocturne Boulevard**

Award-winning anthology series of audio dramas, in the realm of the strange, speculative, and supernatural. Some episodes include more mature content, but have warning labels.

Latest Episodes:

Atomic Julie - The Birds and the Bees by Dave E. Fisher Dec 21, 2021

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A story of a future without genders.... sort of.

MANY COMMENTS from Julie, LOLOLOL

19 Nocturne Boulevard - CRUMPING THE DEVIL - Reissue Dec 16, 2021

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[warning - mature situations, foul language and violence] An ornery old woman takes on all comers in defense of her family and her freedom - even the Devil and Death! Cast List Maggie - Julie Hoverson Nursey - Robyn Keyes Bertha - Rhys TM Barry - Mr. Synyster Kev - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary) Jemma - Gwendolyn-Jensen Woodard (Gypsy Audio) Morte - Russell Gold Devil -Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Ted - Russell Gold Spike - Paul Mannering (Brokensea Audio) Other Bikers - Brandon O'Brien; Bill Hollweg Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Photo: Elizabeth Flores (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a recovery ward, can't you tell?" ***************************************** CRUMPING THE DEVIL Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Maggie Kev/"the Maniac", grandson Bertha, the manipulative daughter Barry, Bertha's bastard husband Nursey Morte Satan Jemma, the pregnant wimp daughter Ted, Jemma's abusive bastard husband Spike, violent biker OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a recovery ward, can't you tell? MUSIC AMBIANCE Hospital, beeps etc. MAGGIE [talking on phone] I don't give a flying rat's flaming anus how good a job he does! Shall I roll past your garage and post photos of what he did to his wife? Perhaps I should leave a nice big bloodstain on your doorstep with the words wifebeater scrawled on the pavemment - don't think I won't! PATIENT [groan] MAGGIE [up] Stuff it! [back on phone] Oh, yes! [evil laugh] You come down here and say that to my face - I'll call the press. [delighted laugh] I can just see the rags with you beating up a helpless gran in a wheelchair. Tough guy! SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET COME IN NURSEY Now, now - phone time's over. Time to say goodbye to all your friends. MAGGIE Bugger off, stay-puft. NURSEY [tsks] SOUND PHONE GRABBED AND HUNG UP FORCEFULLY NURSEY Dear, dear - no need to drive up your blood pressure. You need to stay calm, ducks, and get your rest. SOUND CURTAIN PULLED AROUND BED MAGGIE I'm ordering prunes! Lots of prunes! Just so you have to clean up the mess when they come out the other end! NURSEY My, my - but I'm not here all the time. MAGGIE [snarled] I have your schedule memorized. MUSIC BERTHA Mother, you need to be rational about this. This is your fourth hospitalization this year - you've reached a point where you need someone to look after you. MAGGIE Visiting nurse comes by twice a week. BERTHA [prompting] Barry! BARRY What if you... fall? MAGGIE I have this very special invention. It allows me to magically contact help when I need it. BARRY Oh, what? MAGGIE It's called a cellphone, you scrofulous prick. I'll wear it on a lanyard if it'll make you piss off. Now get your sorry arses out of my sickroom. PATIENT Go away. MAGGIE See? Even that bastard hates you. BERTHA No mother, we're not leaving until we get this settled. MAGGIE Nurse! BARRY There is a button-- MAGGIE Fuck off - this annoys her more. Nurse! SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET COME IN SLOWLY KEV H'lo Gran. [reluctant] Mum. [distasteful] Barry. MAGGIE Who the bloody buggery hell are you supposed to be? BERTHA Oh, heavens, her memory is going! MAGGIE Don't get your hopes up, arse-face. Are you trying to tell me the fruit of your sweaty loins-- BERTHA [gasp] MAGGIE --has taken to running about dressed as sir poncy de leon? KEV I'm Hamlet. MAGGIE [laughing wickedly] Go on! You? You can't memorize the balance of your overdraft! Come on then, soliloquize us! KEV [chuckles] It's a sales promotion for a mattress shop. To sleep or not to sleep, all that bollocks. BERTHA [muttered] I just don't know where he gets this language from. MAGGIE Oh, god - if you're truly that fucking dense, I wish I was your father so at least I'd have some slight glimmer of hope that you weren't mine! SOUND DOOR OPENS, NURSEY FEET ENTER NURSEY Come, come - let's keep it all nice and civil, there are other people in this hospital, you know. MAGGIE Well, there must be people somewhere, but there's a couple of wankers in here. Bugger off, knot-knickers. BERTHA [gasp, then affronted noises as she leaves] SOUND FEET STORM OUT NURSEY Dear, dear. Poor old Maggie's being deserted. MAGGIE Your turn, then isn't it, blancmange? Shuffle off and fetch something, would you? ...Like a stick? NURSEY Tsk Tsk. You really need to-- MAGGIE You, hey you in the tights. You stay. [beat] Gotta catflap in those bonbon knickers? KEV No, gran. NURSEY [psst, then confidential] Young man, you haven't brought her any alcohol have you? KEV No - no! What sort of grandson would that make me? No bottle on me anywhere, [leering] want to pat me down? NURSEY [oblivious] No, no! Five minutes, then visiting hours are over. SOUND HER FEET LEAVE, DOOR SHUTS MAGGIE [hushed] You did bring me something, didn't you? You are aware I think you're the least worthless of all my pathetic offspring? SOUND PLASTIC BAG OUT OF POCKET KEV Love you too, gran. I remember how much you complained last time of not being able to find a place to light one up, so I baked you some brownies. MAGGIE You? Baked? KEV I'm a sensitive new age type of bloke. I can make a mix. SOUND OPENING PLASTIC BAG MAGGIE [sniffs] Nice. You didn't skimp on the "spices." SOUND TAP ON THE DOOR NURSEY Time's up! KEV Stuff em somewhere. Size of that cow, she probably snaps up everyone's sweeties. MAGGIE I think she just eats patients-- SOUND DOOR OPENS MAGGIE [louder] --mostly the males. KEV [wincey noise] Ooh... MUSIC MAGGIE [into phone, trying to be quiet] --the Maniac left me a mobile. Have you tracked down Python yet, then? [beat, then getting loud] Sod it! I thought you bastards had better legal these days! SOUND QUIETLY DOOR OPENS, SLOW FOOTSTEPS ENTER MAGGIE There must be someone there whose tattooes run more than knickers deep! [beat] Fine, I'll call the-- SOUND CURTAIN SWEPT ASIDE SUDDENLY MAGGIE [gasp] Bugger me! SOUND MUFFLED VOICE AS SHE HIDES THE PHONE, BEEPING, TRYING TO TURN IT OFF MORTE Madame? I believe you are expecting me. MAGGIE Riiight. Middle of the night, hospital room. Must be the stripper. Where's your music? MORTE [startled] Um, no, I-- MAGGIE Well, you can't be a doctor - they've all gone home. We're in the hands of the sadists and the diapers. MORTE The what? MAGGIE Nurses and interns. Look, It's late and I'm a bit too knackered to abuse you properly, so tell me who you bleeding think you are so you can sod off! MORTE [trying to get his spooky back on] I'm... death. MAGGIE Pull the other one - it spits. MORTE No, really. I'm... death. MAGGIE Always thought you'd be Welsh. So what are you doing swotting around here? I'm not dead. The infernal pinging thing says so. MORTE But you are old [spooky] ...and dying. MAGGIE [getting mad] So they keep fucking telling me, but I've never been one for following orders. If you're really the angel of death, why are you wearing such a for-fucks-sake ugly suit? And where's your bleeding scythe? Can't be death without a jolly great scythe, can you, now? MORTE Oh, please - this is the 21st century. MAGGIE First piece of sense to come out of your festering gob, you git. Now bugger off - I'm knackered, but I'm not ready for the tip yet. MORTE You will see me again tomorrow. MAGGIE Tell you what - you come back during visiting hours and I'll get my bastard son-in-law to drop in. All I have to do is wave money anywhere within ten kilometers of my Jemma and that bastard appears like bleeding magic. MORTE But I-- MAGGIE Him you can take, with all my heartfelts. If you're not going to make yourself useful, though, you can piss off and stay there. SOUND FISHES OUT THE PHONE AND DIALS MORTE [affronted, huffy] You're not supposed to have a mobile in the hospital. MAGGIE Fuck off. [into phone] Spike? MORTE You have a friend named Spike? MAGGIE [into phone] No, that's not a cop - just some prat trying to sell me life insurance. Are you Spike? MORTE You're really going to just ignore me? MAGGIE Hold on. [hand over phone] Sorry, didn't mean to leave you hanging like that. You're right, I should finish with you before making my calls. So if you would kindly FUCK OFF? Good. [back to phone] God, these bleeding salesmen. They're like some damn pet pekingese - no balls but still won't stop humping once they get a grip on your leg. MORTE Well, I- I-I- never! MAGGIE Spike? Great - what would it take to get some help with a problem? SOUND MORTE'S FEET STORM OUT, DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS. MAGGIE Nice! Hold that thought, and I'll ring you back tomorrow - that twat's just gone to grass on me to the warden. MUSIC AMB HOSPITAL ROOM - NOT SO URGENT. NO PINGING THING. SOUND TAP ON DOOR, THEN DOOR OPENS WITHOUT WAITING SOUND WHEELCHAIR BEING PUSHED IN JEMMA [weak, hopeful] Hello? [down] Mum. MAGGIE [trying to be calm and quiet] Jemma. NURSEY Here we all are then. SOUND DOOR SWINGS SHUT NURSEY Ready for a nice litle family chat. MAGGIE Just ignore her. [deep breath] They say you're going home soon. JEMMA I'm all right. [she's not] MAGGIE I'll see to it, someone drops around and keeps an eye on you. JEMMA I'll be careful. [not very convincing] Won't walk into any more... doors. MAGGIE [getting a bit annoyed] Won't walk into any more fists, more like. JEMMA [upset, "not in front of the nurse"] Mum! MAGGIE She's heard worse. Haven't you, snowball? NURSEY [affirming, acerbic] From you alone. MAGGIE [snort of laughter, then serious] So, when can I kill him? JEMMA What? MAGGIE That cocksucker husband of yours. JEMMA Mother! MAGGIE You can't say you don't want him dead. Bertha keeps pissing on and on about my hospital record - you're leagues ahead of me. Between the times he's knocked you up and the times he's knocked you down, it's amazing they don't just name a suite for you and give you your own key. JEMMA [crying] He doesn't mean to-- MAGGIE [losing it] Doesn't mean to! What, he was cleaning his swotting great fist and it went off!? Or the other part - dearie, you get preggers every time that arsehole even wanks in your direction. You'd be much better off without him. JEMMA He loves me. MAGGIE Oh, god - we are not having this discussion again. JEMMA And we have eight children to look after - nine, soon. MAGGIE [softer again] It's all right then? JEMMA [barely able to talk] Yes. MAGGIE Jems, that son of a syphilitic whore punched you - punched a pregnant woman, let alone a pregnant woman he claims to care for - in the bloody stomach. JEMMA [breaks into tears] NURSEY Oh, look at the time. Come along Maggie, musn't be late on your pills! MAGGIE [yelling as they leave] Get it through your sodding thick skull - He DID MEAN IT! MUSIC SOUND NIGHT, PINGING, ETC. SOUND MAGGIE MUNCHING ON SOMETHING SOUND DOOR OPENS, SLOW FOOSTEPS (two sets) SOUND PLASTIC BAG RATTLES AS IT'S HIDDEN MAGGIE [sucking stuff out of her teeth] Who's there? SOUND CURTAIN PULLED ASIDE MAGGIE [disgusted noise] Oh, it's just you. Piss off. MORTE I told you I would return. MAGGIE And take my soul blah blah blah. I have you sussed, you wanker. MORTE Sussed? I already told you - I'm death. MAGGIE Right. And I have a daughter who would like nothing more than to have her dear old mum babbling on about meeting death in the flesh - all so she can have me declared non compos and shoved away in some shithole of a home while she sends all my odds and sods to auction "on my behalf". Piss off, and tell her she can piss off too. SATAN [explosive laugh] MORTE See? I told you. MAGGIE Told me what? You're not making sense, the curtain is laughing like a drain, and I'm not that stoned. SOUND CURTAIN OPENS FURTHER WITH A DRAMATIC SWEEP MORTE She surely is the most frightful woman I've seen in years. SATAN I like it. MAGGIE And who are you supposed to be? Revival of the Rocky Horror show? SATAN [laughs harder] MORTE He's the devil. MAGGIE Well I knew he wasn't a doctor - not dressed like that. [sigh] SATAN [laughing subsides] MAGGIE Are you done? I wouldn't want to waste a good insult on you when you can't hear it properly. SATAN [chuckles, but stops himself] Go on. MAGGIE Dressed like that, you look like Sir Elton John vomited all over you. SATAN [chuckles] MAGGIE And I suspect that'd be rare, since he's probably got a strong gag reflex. SATAN [a moment, then a gasp as he gets it, then uproarious laughter] MAGGIE Told you it was a good one. [joins in] MORTE I don't get it. MAGGIE Oh, god. You need to loosen the fuck up. [evil chuckle] Here. Have a brownie. MORTE A brownie? Ooh. Chocolate is my weakness. SOUND RATTLE OF PLASTIC MAGGIE Death and chocolate - imagine that. How about you, Gary Glitter? SATAN Well, if you're offering. [They munch for a minute] MORTE Interesting [licks his lips, speculatively] ...aftertaste. MAGGIE Old family recipe. The maniac bakes them for me. Don't tell the nurse - she's already thirteen stone. MORTE [snorts] Oh goodness! SATAN [giggles uncontrollably] SOUND CELL PHONE RINGS MAGGIE Scuse me for a minute, will you? [they murmur assent] SOUND PHONE ACTIVATED MAGGIE Yeah? Is this Spike? Then who the bloody hell-- [pleased] Really? MORTE [confiding, but loopy] Shouldn't have mobile in hospital. SATAN Might call for help? [they both laugh] MAGGIE You up for it, then? More the merrier, I always say. [beat] Oh, dead may be overkill, but I wouldn't shed any tears. Mostly I'd prefer him unable to fuck, or walk for at least a year - no, never again on the first - can you manage that? SATAN [awed] What? Did I hear you--? MAGGIE Shut it. [on phone] Candy striper. You know, one of those new homosexual ones. [back on topic] So, you can handle it? SATAN I'll have you know-- MAGGIE [covers phone] Everyone knows you swing both ways - the devil can fuck with anyone. SATAN Well [trying not to laugh], if you put it that way [bursts into hilarity again] MAGGIE Great - when? [upset] Weekend? Not sooner? They'll be sending her home tomorrow! MORTE I thought you were talking about a man? Who you don't want to be able to-- MAGGIE Fine. [annoyed] I'll try and get out of here too, then shall I? No I bloody well can't talk them into letting her stay-- MORTE --to [uncomfortable] "do it"-- SATAN Just say "fuck." MORTE [affronted] No. SATAN Come on, I dare you. MAGGIE Shut up or piss off. I'm almost finished. [into phone] Saturday night, then? Call me Thursday, same time, and I'll say where. Brilliant. SOUND PHONE OFF MORTE So is it? MAGGIE Is it what, arse-face? MORTE Is it a man or a woman? SATAN He means who are you talking on the phone about? MAGGIE I've got some friends of a-- MORTE --questionable moral character? MAGGIE Well, they do call themselves the Bastards of Carnage, so that might be a clue - Anyway, I've arranged will ... have a chat with ... my daughter's oozing sore of a so-called husband. MORTE And you don't want him to be able to-- MAGGIE And they won't be as kind as a vetrinarian. SATAN Well! [lip smacking noises] Have you any more of those brownies? MUSIC AMB MAGGIE'S ROOM KEV I hear they're letting you go? MAGGIE They have to get sick of me eventually. KEV Are you doing all right? Really? MAGGIE Healthy as a horse. [sighs] One of those swayback cartoon nags with glue factory stamped on them. You know what your evil bitch of a mother is trying to do to me? KEV Would it be so bad? MAGGIE Et tu, wanker? KEV No! I…

Full show notes at the publisher

Atomic Julie - Green Grew The Lasses by Ruth Laura Wainwright Dec 14, 2021

Show notes

Newsflash! Women turn green in small community! Strange growths everywhere! What could be behind it?

19 Nocturne Boulevard - QUAIL SEED - Reissue Dec 09, 2021

Show notes

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from a story by Saki (H.H. Munro) When the Christmas rush takes shoppers off to the big city, how do you get them to stick to the local shops? A lovely tale of viral marketing! [Saki was often way ahead of his time!] Announcer - Jennifer Dixon Mr. Scarrick - John Lingard Jimmy - Will Watt Lucy - Tanja Milojevic [Lightning Bolt Theater] Boy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Man - Anthony D.P. Mann [Horror Etc.] Miss Fritten - Robyn Keyes Mrs. Greyes - Jennifer Dixon Mrs. Gordon - Judith Moore Gloria - Beverly Poole Other women - Julie Hoverson Sound and mastering by Julie Hoverson Music by Kevin McLeod (Incompetech.com) Picture by lucias_clay, found with help from Bill Jones. ************************************************ Quail Seed Cast: Announcer Scarrick, shopkeeper (M50s) Jimmy, Assistant (M20s) Lucy, Jimmy's girl (F20s) Boy (M20s) Man/Beard (M30s) Miss Fritten (F30s) Greyes (F30s) Gordon (F30s) Miss Jones (F30s) Miss Smith (F30s) Gloria (F20s) Lipping (F30s) SAKI OPENING MUSIC SCENE 1. SCARRICK'S SUNDRIES (SHOP) SOUND SHOP DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS LUCY Hello? Helloooo? JIMMY [close] Morning, Lucy! LUCY [startled gasp] Jimmy! There you are. Bit... empty in here, isn't it? JIMMY [heavy sigh] A bit. LUCY But where are all the Christmas shoppers? JIMMY Shh! Whatever you do, don't ask that in front of Mr. Scarrick. You'll quite set him off. LUCY Oh! JIMMY It's all right, he's out at the moment. LUCY [impressed] He left you in charge? JIMMY [heavy sigh, morose] Only in the certainty that there won't be a stampede on our services. LUCY That bad, eh? JIMMY Yeah. Quite. SOUND DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS MISS SMITH Hello? SOUND QUICK STEPS JIMMY Yes? How may I assist you? MISS SMITH [nervous] Oh, I was -um- just looking for a railway timetable? I'm going up to the city-- [breaks off] JIMMY Sorry. Clean out. Perhaps next week. MISS SMITH Ah. Thank you. SOUND FOOTSTEPS, BELL DOOR LUCY You might have made a sale! JIMMY She just wanted to look. LUCY You don't know that. JIMMY [bitter admission] She's the fourth today. Everyone would rather take the train to town and shop in a big department store than [quoting] bother to take advantage of the convenience-- SOUND DOOR BELL MISS JONES Hello? JIMMY ...and that's five. MUSIC SCENE 2. PUB SCARRICK The outlook is not encouraging for us smaller businesses. SOUND POURING DRINK SCARRICK These big concerns are offering all sorts of attractions to the shopping public which we couldn't afford to imitate, even on a small scale-- reading-rooms and play-rooms and gramophones and Heaven knows what. BOY [normal, commiserating] People like shiny objects. SCARRICK And they don't care to buy half a pound of sugar nowadays unless they can listen to Harry Lauder and have the latest Australian cricket scores ticked off before their eyes. MAN Seems like quite a trip for sugar. SCARRICK With the big Christmas stock we've got in, we ought to keep half a dozen assistants hard at work. But as it is my nephew Jimmy and myself can pretty well attend to it ourselves. In fact, I've left him in charge. I've never done that before. BOY I'm sure he'll be fine. SCARRICK [drinks] It's a nice stock of goods, too. I could run it all off in a few weeks time, but there's no chance of that--not unless the London line was to get snowed up for a fortnight before Christmas. MAN [musing] How you gonna keep them home on the farm? MUSIC SCENE 3. SCARRICK'S SOUND SHOP DOOR, BELL MRS. GREYES --so tedious, but there it is, and what else is one to do? MISS FRITTEN We shall simply wait for the next-- SCARRICK May I help you ladies? MRS. GREYES Oh! [evasive] Really, we just stopped in to see about --- um, about-- MISS FRITTEN Bootlaces. MRS. GREYES Bootlaces! Yes! I've been in dire need of some-- SCARRICK [hearty] Of course. Over on the left wall, near the back. MRS. GREYES Oh, yes, of course. [whispering] You knew he'd try and sell us something if we came in here! Bootlaces indeed. I already have more laces than boots! MISS FRITTEN At least if we do make a purchase, they're small enough to carry when we go to-- MRS. GREYES Shh! SCARRICK Finding everything? MRS. GREYES Oh, yes. This is the best ... um... anchovy paste. Just what I was looking for. MISS FRITTEN Just lovely! SCARRICK Perhaps you ladies could help me. I was thinking of adding a little entertainment to the shop. MRS. GREYES Oh? SCARRICK I did have a sort of idea of engaging Miss Luffcombe to give recitations during afternoons; she made a great hit at the Post Office entertainment with her rendering of 'Little Beatrice's Resolve'. MISS FRITTEN [very uncertain] Oh, that would be ...just ... lovely. SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS ODDLY SCARRICK What? SOUND ODD FOOTSTEPS ENTER SCARRICK [excusing himself] Your pardon. SOUND SCARRICK GOES TO THE COUNTER MRS. GREYES [whispered] Perhaps we should just do our shopping here. MISS FRITTEN But I'm in my best hat! MRS. GREYES Shh! Shh! Look at that! MISS FRITTEN What an odd looking boy. Brown as a nut, but we've not had sun in weeks! MRS. GREYES And those clothes. Like something out of the Arabian nights! SOUND CLANG BOY [accented now] Six pomegranates, please, and a packet of quail seed. MISS FRITTEN What's the bowl for? MRS. GREYES To carry the pomegranates? MISS FRITTEN Why not a string bag? MRS. GREYES Allergies? Shh! SCARRICK [business as usual] Here you are. We have some lovely pomegranates. MISS FRITTEN He doesn't even look surprised! MRS. GREYES The boy must have been here before. SOUND COIN SKITTERING, CAUGHT BOY The wine and figs were not paid for yesterday. Keep what is over of the money for our future purchases. SCARRICK [formal and serious] As you wish. SOUND BOY LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS SOUND SKITTERING OF LADIES FEET MISS FRITTEN [to Scarrick, hinting] A very strange-looking boy? SCARRICK [final] A foreigner, I believe. MRS. GREYES Does he shop here often? Surely there can't be much call for ...quail seed... at this time of year. SCARRICK It takes all sorts. SOUND DOOR OPENS SOUND HEAVY OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MISS FRITTEN [gasp] MRS. GREYES Oh! [covering her consternation] Oh, I forgot those bootlaces! [hissed] Come on! SOUND THEY SKITTER AWAY MAN [accented] I wish for a pound and a half of the best coffee you have. SCARRICK [wary] Certainly sir. MRS. GREYES Look at that beard! MISS FRITTEN Like a comedy Russian. MRS. GREYES No, more like an ancient Assyrian. MAN [suspicious] Has a dark-faced boy been here buying pomegranates? SCARRICK Can't say that I've seen anyone like that. MRS. GREYES Oh! [muffles self] MISS FRITTEN [whispered] How could he! SCARRICK [offhanded] We have a few pomegranates in stock, but there has been no real demand for them. MAN My servant will fetch the coffee, as usual. SOUND COIN SKITTERS, HEAVY FEET START TO WALK AWAY, THEN STOP MAN [very importantly] Have you, perhaps, any quail seed? SCARRICK [unhesitating] No. we don't stock it. GREYES AND FRITTEN [gasp] SOUND FEET WALK AWAY MRS. GREYES [whispered] What will he deny next? MISS FRITTEN And I always believed Mr. Scarrick to be such a truthful man. Heavens! He just presided at a lecture on Savonarola. SOUND DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES MRS. GREYES Don't let's bother about the 3.12. Let's dash, and talk this out at Laura Lipping's MISS FRITTEN Perhaps we should buy a few things first. Since we're here. MUSIC SCENE 4. TEA MISS FRITTEN [recounting lusciously] Turning up the deep astrakhan collar of his long coat, the stranger swept out of the shop, with the air of a Satrap proroguing a Sanhedrim. MRS. LIPPING Do Satraps prorogue? MISS FRITTEN [coldly superior] Have you ever seen one that didn't? GLORIA I don't even know what a Sanhedrim is. Is it a dance? MISS FRITTEN It is a simile and hardly matters. Or do I mean an allegory? MRS. GORDON And the boy? MRS. GREYES I should have though him Greek, but after seeing that beard-- MRS. LIPPING They could have been unrelated. MISS FRITTEN Unrelated? And both asking for "quail seed"? Mark my words. There's something afoot. MRS. GREYES What bothers me most is this unprecedented streak of falsity in our local grocer! GLORIA I've never known Mr. Scarrick to prevaricate like that before! MRS. GREYES It's the influence of that artist that took the flat above the shop. Mark my words. [importantly] Bohemian. MRS. GORDON [tragically] I shall never again be able to believe what he tells me about the absence of colouring matter in the jam. MUSIC SCENE 5. SCARRICK'S SOUND DOOR, BELL SOUND BROOM LUCY Jimmy? JIMMY Yeah. Here. LUCY Goodness, it looks like a tornado touched down. JIMMY Fabulous, isn't it? LUCY But, what happened? JIMMY This afternoon, from tea onwards, we had a constant stream of shoppers. LUCY Is this something to do with the odd individuals who may or may not have been in this afternoon? JIMMY [overly innocent] Whomever do you refer to? LUCY Come on! It's all over town. People talked about it at tea, and more people talked about it at supper. I expect they're all talking about it over Bridge even as we speak. The dark young man and the Beard. JIMMY Sounds a bit like a music hall act. LUCY [speculatively] Yes... yes, it does.... MUSIC SCENE 6. SCARRICK'S [MANY CUSTOMERS] MISS SMITH Is this the freshest jar of pickles? JIMMY Miss? I suppose so. MISS SMITH It looks a bit dusty. JIMMY That would be my fault-- SCARRICK [commanding] Jimmy! JIMMY So sorry, must jump. MISS FRITTEN [whispered] Do you think they will return? MRS. GREYES I have it on good authority someone's rented that house at the far end of Plummergen. MISS FRITTEN But why should they come all this way to shop? MRS. GREYES [knowing] Plummergen drapers don't stock quail seed. MISS FRITTEN [getting it] Ah! SOUND REGISTER NOISE SCARRICK That will be three shillings and four pence. SOUND COINS MRS. LIPPING I'm looking for something interesting for a savory. Have you any, any‑‑ SOUND GENERAL HUSH MRS. LIPPING [nervous] --any, um-- SCARRICK [as if nothing is amiss] I have some pickled olives. Imported from turkey. MRS. LIPPING Yes, anything. SOUND JAR SET DOWN, CASH REGISTER SOUND JABBER BEGINS AGAIN SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL, JABBER SLOWLY DIES AWAY. SILENCE SOUND BOY WALKS IN. SOUND BOWL SET DOWN. SCARRICK [normal] What can I get for you today? BOY I require a pound of honey. SOUND BREATH BEING LET OUT ALL OVER BOY and - [quieter] and a packet of quail seed. SOUND GENERAL INTAKE OF BREATH, GIGGLE QUICKLY MUFFLED SCARRICK Very good, sir. SOUND CONVERSATIONS, FORCED LAUGHTER, BUT MUTED, LISTENING MISS FRITTEN [excited whisper] We might be living in the Arabian Nights. MRS. GREYES Hush! Listen! SOUND THINGS PLACED INTO BOWL, BOWL REMOVED, BOY STARTS TO LEAVE. SOUND QUICK FOOTSTEPS JIMMY [hurried, fraught with meaning] We have some very fine Jaffa oranges. Around behind here. BOY [gasps] SOUND QUICK SHUFFLE OF FEET SOUND DOOR OPENS, MAN STRIDES IN. SOUND GASPS SCARRICK [unperturbed] What may I get for you today, Sir? MAN A pound of dates and a tin of the best Smyrna halva. MISS FRITTEN Halva? What is that? MRS. GREYES It comes from Smyrna - that's figs, isn't it, Smyrna is? GLORIA Who would want dates AND figs? MRS. LIPPING Hush. SCARRICK There you are. MAN Hmm [evaluating noise] Yes. SOUND COINS DROPPED MAN Has the dark-faced boy, of whom I spoke yesterday, been here to-day? GLORIA [stifled squeak of excitement] SOUND [shushing all round] SCARRICK We've had rather more people than usual in the shop to-day... but I can't recall a boy such as you describe. SOUND [gasps] MRS. GREYES [satisfied] Didn't we say? MISS FRITTEN It's too too terrible. MUSIC SCENE 7. TEA MRS. GREYES It is deplorable that anyone - particularly someone in a position such as Mr. Scarrick -should treat the truth as an article temporarily and excusably out of stock. MISS FRITTEN More quail seed! Those quails must be voracious! [realizing] or else... perhaps it isn't quail seed at all. MRS. GREYES I believe it's opium, and the bearded man is a detective. MRS. LIPPING I don't. I'm sure it's something to do with the Portuguese Throne. MISS FRITTEN More likely to be a Persian intrigue on behalf of the ex-Shah. The bearded man belongs to the Government Party. The quail-seed is a countersign, of course; Persia is almost next door to Palestine, and quails come into the Old Testament, you know. GLORIA [exasperated] Only as a miracle. [knowing] I've thought all along it was part of a love intrigue. MRS. LIPPING I distinctly saw a snarl of baffled rage as the man departed, sandwiched between that heavy moustache and upturned astrakhan collar. GLORIA I can't imagine that that boy is the guilty party here. Much more likely he's simply perishing of love for someone - perhaps the daughter of the beard, but the match is quite unsuitable-- MISS FRITTEN Honey and pomegranates - of course!!! MUSIC SCENE 8. SCARRICK'S SHOP, NIGHT, QUIET SOUND DOOR, BELL JIMMY [calling from off] Closed! LUCY I know, mutton head. JIMMY Oh, Lucy! SOUND BROOM DOWN, STEPS LUCY Another busy day? JIMMY The busiest. Another day or two of brisk trade and we'll be--[cut off with a gasp] SOUND KISS LUCY [laughing] I was here today, you know. JIMMY [uneasy] Oh? LUCY [indulgent] You were quite the hero. Hustling that poor young man off behind the biscuit tins in the very nick of time. JIMMY [flustered] Well, I've got a good view of the street from my post at the cheese and bacon counter. LUCY [pouty] Jimmy. Have you EVER known me to gossip? JIMMY You, Lucy? I don't think so. LUCY Quite a vote of confidence. JIMMY I didn't mean that-- [sigh] No. No I've never known you to gossip. LUCY Let me in, then! Perhaps there's something I can do to help? MUSIC SCENE 9. PUB SCARRICK It was quite marvelous! And we sold out of that blasted Halva. MAN It looked crowded, but they were actually buying? SCARRICK They bought and bought - some came back three or four times, just to have an excuse to linger. BOY "Oh, I forgot" and "silly me, one more thing." SCARRICK Exactly. Even those women whose purchases were of "modest proportions" dawdled over them as though they had, uh-- MAN Brutal, drunken husbands to go home to? SCARRICK [chuckles] I've even had to take on a couple of extra assistants for tomorrow. MUSIC SCENE 10. SCARRICK'S STORE - BUSY MISS FRITTEN What do you think? Is this bowl anything like the one the young gentleman carries? MRS. GREYES Nonsense. His is brass. Or bronze, perhaps. That one is copper. MISS FRITTEN Still, it's got a lovely patina. MRS GORDON Ducks? SCARRICK [distracted] Pardon? MRS GORDON Ducks? I found a lovely recipe for Bombay duck, and I was wondering if a domestic duck would suffice. SCARRICK I suspect that ducks are much the same the world over-- [small gasp] SOUND DOOR OPENS, BELL GENERAL EXPECTANT HUSH SCARRICK You'll excuse me. SOUND BOY'S FOOTSTEPS, SCARRICK MEETS HIM MRS GORDON oh! SCARRICK Sir? BOY Yes? SCARRICK [overtly confidential] I must warn you-- SOUND [gasps] SCARRICK [as if saying something else] We have run out of quail seed. BOY [shocked and disappointed] Oh. I should-- I must-- MRS GORDON Oh no! SOUND SCUTTLING FEET JIMMY [excited] We do have some much finer oranges today, if you want to step over here. BOY [dramatic gasp] SOUND BOY RUNS SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, BELL SOUND OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MRS. GORDON [voice over] I found my self sub-consciously repeating "The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold" under my breath. MISS FRITTEN [whispered] Watch the door! SCARRICK [very tense] Ah. Coffee again today sir? Perhaps figs? MAN I am looking for-- LUCY [in disguise, foreign sounding] Jaffa oranges, I think. MAN What? MRS GREYES [voiceover] She slit…

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ATOMIC JULIE - Ely's Automatic Housemaid by Elizabeth W. Bellamy Dec 07, 2021

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From Black Cat Magazine in 1889

What could be better than clockwork staff who don't eat, complain, or revolt? So, the programming's a little... off....

19 Nocturne Boulevard - THE WATER GHOST OF HARROWBY HALL - Reissue Dec 02, 2021

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From our Edwardian Entertainments collection, just in time for the winter holidays. The Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall A hereditary curse appears in a torrent of water every Christmas to the current heir. How to stop this perennial wet blanket? By John Kendrick Bangs, adapted by Julie Hoverson Sound produced by Scott Pigg Cast: The GHOST - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Edward - Gareth Bowley Leslie - Tansy Undercrypt Father - John Lingard Mother - Jennifer Dixon The American - Julie Hoverson **************************************************** THE WATER GHOST OF HARROWBY HALL Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the story by John Kendrick Bangs [published in 1894] Cast: The GHOST EDWARD Oglethorpe, the Young Master LESLIE Widdrington, The Secretary HENRY Oglethorpe, the father LYDIA Oglethorpe, the mother Christina, vapid American debutante MUSIC - CHRISTMAS SCENE 1. BALLROOM SOUND FAIRLY SEDATE PARTY CHRISTINA [american] I'm terribly charmed to meet you! I've never danced with a Lord before. Makes me feel like a lady. EDWARD [chuckles] You're lucky I'm also a gentleman - not every lord can claim that. CHRISTINA Oh, you! EDWARD You're in London with friends? CHRISTINA I'm a guest of the Harrisons. Daddy thought a trip to England would be nice polish. He's very impressed by nobilities. EDWARD I'm sure. SOUND CLOCK STARTS TO STRIKE TWELVE CHRISTINA Goodness, your parties go late over here. I'm afraid you must think I'm terribly provincial. EDWARD Oh no. Never. SOUND CLOCK FINISHES, SUDDEN DELUGE OF WATER, COVERS EVERYTHING. CHRISTINA [screaming!] My dress! Oh no! SOUND OTHER PEOPLE PROTESTING, RUNNING AWAY EDWARD [calm but shouting] Just clear out, everyone, please! SOUND DOORS SLAM, NO MORE RUNNING GHOST Oglethorpe. EDWARD [sigh] Yes. MUSIC SCENE 2. BALLROOM, DRIPPING WET SOUND KNOCK ON THE DOOR LESLIE Hello? SOUND WATER STILL DRIPPING ALL OVER EDWARD [glum] It's all over but the blotting. Safe to come in. SOUND DOOR OPENS, WOMAN WALKS IN LESLIE Oh, my. EDWARD [resigned] I'll take care of any repairs. LESLIE Towel? I also brought you a robe, but we haven't even been properly introduced yet. EDWARD Henry Oglethorpe. [sigh] Baron Harrowby, I suspect. LESLIE Leslie Widdrington. Poor relation. EDWARD [chuckles, but not really amused] Huh. I've just come into a great deal of money. LESLIE How's that? EDWARD My father must have died, or this would have happened to him. LESLIE Ah. [sympathetical understanding] Ancestral curse? EDWARD You're curiously sanguine about it. LESLIE [flippant] It's not my ballroom. Come along, let's get you out of this damp. Perhaps a hot bath would be in order? MUSIC SCENE 3. CASTLE LESLIE [reading] "The trouble with Harrowby Hall is that it was haunted. What was worse, the ghost did not content itself with merely appearing at the bedside of the afflicted person who saw it, but persisted in remaining there for one mortal hour before it would disappear." EDWARD My father had a flowery turn of phrase. LESLIE A style the suits the classic ghost story. You're quite sure you don't mind? EDWARD I need to confide in someone, and he's already written it all down. But you can skip past the part about it appearing only for an hour every Christmas at midnight. I think we've established that. LESLIE You're lucky you didn't catch pneumonia. EDWARD I'm still undecided. [coughs, but not seriously] At least one good thing came from the deluge. LESLIE Oh? EDWARD I needed a secretary. LESLIE I suppose it pays to be intrepid, then. SOUND PAGES FLIP LESLIE Ah. [start here?] "The owners of Harrowby Hall had done their utmost--?" EDWARD Sounds good. LESLIE "--their utmost to rid themselves of the damp and dewy lady who rose up out of the best bedroom floor at midnight, but without avail. They had tried stopping the clock, so that the ghost would not know when it was midnight; but she made her appearance just the same, with that fearful miasmatic personality of hers, and there she would stand until everything about her was thoroughly saturated." EDWARD We've done absolutely everything. Or tried to. My own grandfather caulked up every crack in the floor, covered it with tarpaper - every conceivable kind of waterproofing was put into effect. And yet-- LESLIE But you weren't even in the tower room. EDWARD [sigh] It's all in the manuscript. LESLIE At least it will be another year until she makes an appearance. EDWARD There is a great deal to be said for predictability. LESLIE [reading dramatically] "The following Christmas eve she appeared as promptly as before, and frightened the occupant of the room--" EDWARD That wasn't even one of my forefathers. Just an unfortunate guest. LESLIE "Frightened him quite out of his senses by sitting down alongside of him and gazing with her cavernous blue eyes into his; and her long, aqueously bony fingers were entwined with bits of dripping seaweed - these ends she drew across his forehead until he became like one insane. EDWARD I believe he never recovered from the shock, or the damp, or perhaps the cold, and died several years later of pneumonia and nervous prostration. LESLIE Then comes a year they chose not to open the room at all. EDWARD "Let her haunt the room - she'll not haunt me!" Father railed, or so I have been told. LESLIE Didn't work, though, did it? EDWARD [sigh] No. Apparently the room is only the primary target. If there is no one present to receive her, the current lord will always have a visitor. LESLIE Thus the monsoon in the ballroom? EDWARD [rueful] Father didn't even tell me he was doing poorly. [snappy again] A little warning would have been ... convenient. I could have spent the night in the desert. LESLIE What do you plan to do? EDWARD Foil her. LESLIE How? EDWARD That I do not quite know... yet. I need to go over father's manuscript with a fine tooth comb for any possible clues. Anything can be overcome with the application of a modicum of logic. LESLIE Well, then. Shall we get back to it? EDWARD Go back to the year father tried to simply ignore the ghost. It seems she first appeared in the tower room, for the parlor below had a great damp spot on the ceiling. But she didn't stay there. LESLIE [reading] "She found me in my own cozy room drinking whiskey," undiluted, he notes, "and felicitating myself upon having foiled her ghostship, when all of a sudden the curl went out of my hair, the whiskey bottle filled and overflowed, and I found myself in a condition similar to that of a man who has fallen into a water-butt." [chuckles] EDWARD Father always did have a turn of phrase. And a fondness for water-butts. [dramatic] And there she stood. The lady of the cavernous eyes and seaweed fingers. LESLIE "The sight was so unexpected and so terrifying that I fainted, but immediately came to, as the vast amount of chill water trickling down over my face restored my consciousness." EDWARD I like a good shower bath as much as the next person, but I do prefer it on the tropical side of tepid. LESLIE [teasing] Hush. EDWARD My father was a brave man, and not to be daunted. Forced to face the ghost, he determined to discover some particulars. LESLIE "In an effort to warm myself, I approached the hearth, an unfortunate move as it turned out, because it brought the ghost directly over the fire, which immediately was extinguished." EDWARD So he faced her with all the bravado he could muster. LESLIE Sounds like he was chock a block with bravado. At least the way he wrote it. EDWARD Let us hope it runs in the family. LESLIE [leading into flashback] He faced the ghost... MUSIC SEGUE INTO FLASHBACK SOUND WATER DRIPPING and TRICKLING HENRY Far be it from me to be impolite to a woman, madam, but I'm hanged if it wouldn't please me better if you'd stop these infernal visits of yours to this house. Go sit out on the lake, if you like that sort of thing; soak the water-butt, if you wish; but do not, I implore you, come into a gentleman's house and saturate him and his possessions in this way. It is damned disagreeable. GHOST Henry Hartwick Oglethorpe. That is a bit of specious nonsense. You must know that I am compelled to haunt this place year after year by inexorable fate. I never aspired to be a shower-bath, but it is my doom. Do you know who I am? HENRY No, I do not. I should say you were the Lady of the Lake, or Little Sallie Waters. GHOST You are a witty man for your years. HENRY Well, my humor is drier than yours ever will be. GHOST No doubt - I am never dry. I am the Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall, and dryness is a quality entirely beyond my wildest hope. I have been the incumbent of this highly unpleasant office for two hundred years tonight. HENRY How the deuce did you ever come to get elected? GHOST [matter of fact] Suicide. I am the ghost of that fair maiden whose picture hangs over the mantelpiece in the drawing room. LESLIE [v.o.] That lovely early Georgian piece? Or do I mean Jacobean? EDWARD [v.o.] Take down a memorandum - draw a mustache on her at the earliest opportunity. GHOST Had I lived, I should have been your great-great-great-great-great-aunt. HENRY But what induced you to get this house into such a predicament? GHOST It was my father's fault. It was he who built Harrowby Hall, and the haunted chamber was to have been mine. My father had it furnished in pink and yellow, knowing well that blue and gray formed the only combination of colours I could tolerate. HENRY And...? GHOST He did it merely to spite me, and I declined to live in the room. Whereupon father said I could live there or on the lawn, he didn't care which. That night I ran from the house and jumped over the cliff into the sea. EDWARD [v.o.] That was rash. LESLIE [v.o.] Dying over pink and yellow? I should say so. Green and orange, perhaps. EDWARD [v.o.] But only if one is Irish. GHOST Had I but known the consequences, I should not have jumped. HENRY A bit late for hindsight. GHOST I had been drowned a week when I was informed it would be my doom to haunt Harrowby Hall. LESLIE [v.o.] Informed? Informed by whom? EDWARD [v.o.] Hmm. Never considered it. The local union of apparations, phantoms and sundry visitations? HENRY I'll sell the place. EDWARD [v.o.] Sound thinking. GHOST That you cannot do, for it is also required of me that I shall appear to any purchaser, and divulge to him the awful secret of the house. LESLIE [v.o.] Snap! HENRY Do you mean to tell me that on every Christmas eve you are going to haunt me wherever I may be, ruining my whiskey and extinguishing my fire? And soaking me through to the skin? GHOST You have stated the case clearly, Oglethorpe. And what is more - it doesn't make the slightest difference where you are. If I find that room empty, wherever you may be I shall douse you with my spectral pres-- SOUND CLOCK STRIKES ONE LESLIE [v.o.] "Here the clock struck one, and immediately the apparition faded away. It was perhaps more of a trickle than a fade, but as a disappearance it was complete" HENRY By St. George and his Dragon! It is guineas to hot-cross buns that next Christmas there'll be an occupant of that room, or I shall spend the night in a bathtub! EDWARD [v.o. fading to normal] He would have lost that bet. That was last year, and this year, he passed away just in time to avoid the deluge. LESLIE And you didn't know, and we are now caught up to the present. EDWARD [sigh] But for the bill for the ballroom. MUSIC SCENE 4. TEA LYDIA So glad you could accommodate me for tea, Edward. I've not returned to society yet, and I'm getting sick to the teeth of a house covered in black crepe. EDWARD Ah. LYDIA Your father positively loathed black. EDWARD Ah. LYDIA And I loathe crepe. I've developed quite a mental aversion to it. I don't supposed a doctor could furnish me with some sort of prescription? EDWARD I doubt it. Mourning is mourning, mother. And you are hardly the only one inconvenienced by father's untimely demise. LYDIA [slightly amused] Ah, yes I heard. EDWARD You might have sent a wire or something. LYDIA I was rather preoccupied. So, now that you are the Baron, am I to expect the pitter-patter of little feet in the great hall any time soon? EDWARD I could get you some corgis. LYDIA Hush. You know very well what I mean! It is your responsibility to produce an heir and a spare, particularly now that you are effectively the last of the line. EDWARD Hmm... [chuckle] It would be funny to find out who gets haunted, should I die early. LYDIA I should say not! EDWARD Anyway, after my very public unmasking as the bearer of an ancestral curse, there's hardly a family worth knowing that would want me as a graft to the family tree. LYDIA There's always some rich American. they'll even pay extra for such a heritage! EDWARD [laughing ruefully] While an American won't bat an eye at a spectre or two, true - threaten them with a waterlogged poiret [pwah-RAY] or patou [pah-TOO], and they flee in panic, clutching their pocketbooks. LYDIA OH. Yes, I see. EDWARD So I'm down to shop assistants and ladies who speak no English. SOUND DOOR OPENS, LESLIE ENTERS BRISKLY LESLIE Here's your correspondence for the day-- oh. I'm so dreadfully sorry. I wasn't aware -- I don't have any engagements on your calendar for this afternoon. EDWARD Miss Widdrington, may I present my mother, the Dowager Baroness of Harrowby. Mother, my new secretary. LYDIA [a bit snotty] Charmed. LESLIE [overly subservient, almost goofy] I'll be in the study, then, sir, should you need me. If I may excuse myself? EDWARD [equally over the top] Dismissed. SOUND LESLIE LEAVES LYDIA Who is she? EDWARD My secretary. LYDIA Widdrington. Widdrington. Any relation to the Haversham Widdringtons? EDWARD [offhanded] Poor relation. Quite destitute. LYDIA [musing] Still. She's got a good back. Does she ride? MUSIC SCENE 5. STUDY SOUND DOOR OPENS LESLIE So sorry about that-- EDWARD You couldn't have known. LESLIE It's dreadfully easy to fall into old habits. EDWARD Old? LESLIE I wasn't always "how you see me now." Impoverished. I was polished at the finest schools, only to find that the family coffer had been tapped out to pay death duties and father's debts. And that, as they say, was that. EDWARD At least you're not bitter. LESLIE Oh you should have heard me a year ago. I would have blistered a sailor's ears. EDWARD And now? LESLIE [pleased] Now, I am employed. EDWARD And you don't mind? LESLIE Well I'm also intrigued by your dilemma - most particularly because it's not my own. EDWARD [laughs] LESLIE But today's problem is your social calander. EDWARD oh? More cancellations? LESLIE Every dinner party, every engagement for the opera, every ball. EDWARD Everything that might possibly involve late nights, in other words. LESLIE Precisely. But there are still afternoon teas, ascot, and a tentative engagement for croquet. EDWARD [sulky] Suddenly I'm an elderly uncle. MUSIC - CHRISTMAS SCENE 6. NEXT YEAR SOUND DRIPPING SOUND STEAM HISS SOUND DOOR OPENS LESLIE Time? EDWARD [sigh] Yes. SOUND HUGE SWOOSH OF WATER EDWARD [disgusted sigh] LESLIE I brought some heated towels. EDWARD I am par-broiled. I'll need more than towels! MUSIC SCENE 7. STUDY SOUND DOOR OPENS, FABRIC RUBS LESLIE Check off steam pipes. EDWARD Yes. Just turned her from cold water to hot. The Turkish baths for the past month seem to have helped a bit, but on the whole, it was‑‑ [searching for the right word] LESLIE [teasing] A washout? EDWARD Oh, please don't. LESLIE [apologetic] Sorry. I thought that since steam-pipes could lie hundreds of feet deep in water, and still retain sufficient heat to drive the wa…

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Atomic Julie - The Non-Electronic Bug by E. Mittleman Nov 30, 2021

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Rigging a card game is tricky, but rigging someone's thoughts?

Atomic Julie - A Little Knowledge by Russ Winterbotham Nov 23, 2021

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Sometimes an advance takes a long long time...

19 Nocturne Boulevard - DRAWER 23 - Reissue Nov 20, 2021

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Tim might expect to see corpses, working graveyard in the morgue, but never expected one that could talk... Cast List Timothy Grant - Jasper Loovis Bedelia Crane - Emmatrice Devan Gordy - George Dunn Darcy - Megan Lane Halston - Gene Thorkildsen Sophia - Julie Hoverson Mr. Summerfield - Bryan Hendrickson Male Body - Reynaud LeBoeuf Security Guard - Sky Iolta Music: Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a morgue - can't you tell?" ********************************************************* DRAWER 23 Cast: Olivia, host Timothy Grant (M20s), temp. night shift at morgue Sophia (F30s), who Tim is replacing Gordy (M20s), the go-to guy Darcy (F20s), med student Halston (M40s), swing shift attendant Bedelia Crane (F40-ish), ghost, southern belle from the 1920s MALE BODY - Bedelia, but with a man's voice Summerfield (M50s), tough boss Security guard (any) OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a morgue, can't you tell? MUSIC SCENE 1. MORGUE, NIGHT SOUND WHOOSH OF HYDRAULIC DOORS OPENING SOPHIA And THIS-- TIM --Got it. I watch CSI. SOPHIA On this shift, you won't usually have to deal with the - well, everyday ins and outs, but there are times when somebody has to get in here right away, so you need to know the check-in procedures. TIM Oh, sure. SOPHIA Is this your first time dealing with cadavers? TIM Mm, yeah, but I-- SOPHIA Try not to faint when you smell them. The cold helps, but I have some mentholatum if you need it-- TIM Oh, yeah, I saw Silence of the Lambs. SOPHIA [sigh, then muttered] And you plan to be a doctor...? TIM Hmm? SOPHIA If you, or anyone else, does faint, and sustains any appreciable injury, you must fill out a form 5-C-H dash 2-1-7 dash 62. TIM There's a form for it? SOPHIA There's insurance for it. Did you ever see Quincy? TIM Quincy Jones? SOPHIA [Sigh] A television show. In the opening credits - never mind. SOUND DOOR OPENS SOPHIA There are 30 drawers. You always fill the top row first, followed by the next down, and the floor level ones last of all. TIM 30? I never thought that Cumberland Pass would-- SOPHIA We really don't. I've only seen all the drawers filled once - after that really bad fire. Well, all the drawers but one. TIM [waits, then] One? SOPHIA [sighs, somewhat embarrassed] This one. Twenty-three. It's... tsk... It's supposed to be haunted. TIM I guess it's the right place for a-- SOPHIA I don't really believe it, but everybody else does. No one will put a body in that drawer. And me, I figure - why take a chance? TIM I-- I'm not getting it. So there's a ghost and you don't want to put a body in the drawer why...? Because it'll get scared? SOPHIA For 12 years, I have not seen anything to be scared of. I haven't heard anything but stories. TIM [eager] Tell me! SOPHIA Timothy, most people find working third shift hard enough without having ghost stories to freak out over. Just do the three months and when I get back, I promise you I will tell you everything I know. TIM What if you decide not to come back? SOPHIA Oh, please! Once this munchkin arrives, I'll be desperate to get back to my wonderful peaceful nights here. Dale swears up and down she's ready to lose sleep for the both of us. TIM Kids take a lot of time. SOPHIA [teasing] Don't get your hopes up - they take a lot of cash too, and I'm not about to give up my health benefits. MUSIC SCENE 2. CAFETERIA GORDY [coming on] Hey pal! I heard you got graveyard shift in the land of the dead! TIM Yeah, Sophia's been showing me the ropes. Seems easy. Clean this, lock that, don't take pictures of dead celebrities, make sure no one gets in without proper authorization. GORDY Did she tell you about the ghosts? TIM More than one? I mean, she mentioned [snickers] a haunted drawer in the cool room, but-- GORDY Hmm. Never heard THAT one, but there are supposed to be a bunch of-- DARCY [coming on] This seat taken? [sits without waiting] Hey, Tim! [less enthused] Gordy. GORDY The lovely Lady Darcy. TIM Hey Darce. GORDY Deigning to sit among the common folk? What will the world come to? TIM Gordy was just telling me-- GORDY Warning you. About the ghosts. In the morgue. DARCY That's ridiculous. GORDY Huh? And I suppose you know everything about-- DARCY I don't know anything about the morgue, but I do have a smattering of supernatural lore‑‑ GORDY I suppose someone's got to watch Ghosthunters. DARCY AND it is absolutely accepted common belief that a ghost haunts the place it DIED, not the place its body went later. TIM Maybe someone ... died in the morgue. [shudder] GORDY "Accepted common belief"? That's about as nebulous as "according to statistics." DARCY The O.R., now. Or the Burn Ward. That's where you'd find ghosts. MUSIC SCENE 3. MORGUE, NIGHT SOUND HYDRAULIC DOOR OPENS TIM Hello? Hello? Hello? HALSTON [off] Just a moment! SOUND HYDRAULIC DOOR CLOSES SOUND PAPERS RUSTLE TIM [muttering to self] Checklist, check. Clipboard - no scheduled arrivals, check. HALSTON [coming on] Yeah? TIM I'm Timothy Grant-- HALSTON Oh, yeah. Soph's gone off to spawn? TIM She went into labor this morning, so I get to start early-- HALSTON Don't worry. Piece of cake job. Could be done by a monkey, only monkeys won't work for this pay. TIM [chuckles] Seems fine to me. HALSTON Yeah, well, you don't have the monkeys' union. You need anything before I take off? Any last questions? TIM I don't think so - Sophia left me a pretty comprehensive set of notes. HALSTON Not surprising - she's so damn organized, that kid won't stand a chance. Well, don't you go slacking off and make her clean up your messes when she gets back. It'll be bad enough when all the construction starts, [shrugs] but she's always happiest telling people what to do. SOUND FOOTSTEPS START TO LEAVE, DOOR OPENS TIM Oh, I did-- HALSTON [pause] What? TIM Oh, [embarrassed] someone was telling me about a... well, a ghost. In one of the body drawers. HALSTON And? TIM What do you think? I'm dying of curiosity. HALSTON You ain't the ghoulish type, are you Tim? TIM I - I don't think so. HALSTON [thinks, then sighs] The guy who used to do nights, before Sophia took over, swore that there was ghost in drawer 23. He said the guy before him told him about it, but that no one really knew any details, like who or what it was, just that-- TIM Yes? HALSTON Shit. This is just one of those "you can't win" things. No matter what I say now, chances are you're gonna do something stupid. TIM Maybe not. I mean, I'll try-- HALSTON Just don't blame me. So Fred - the guy who told me this - Fred said that one night he DID put a body into 23. And nothing happened. TIM [deflated] Oh. HALSTON Until midnight. Then the corpse woke up and screamed. It screamed and scratched at the drawer for just about an hour-- TIM The witching hour-- HALSTON Whatever - around one, it just shut off like a light. TIM Maybe the poor stiff was still alive! Why didn't he open the drawer and check? HALSTON [beat, ominous] Because the body was already autopsied. MUSIC SCENE 4. DAY, SCHOOL SOUND QUICK FOOTSTEPS IN A TILED HALLWAY TIM [off mike, slightly out of breath] Hey! Darcy? DARCY Huh? Tim? What...? SOUND FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AND STOP TIM Hey. I- um, I wanted to ask-- DARCY [excited] Yes? TIM --about ghosts. DARCY [deflated] Oh. Why? TIM It's the stories - you know about the ghosts in the morgue. And you seemed to know a lot. I mean, about ghosts. So-- I figured what the heck? DARCY This is really not the place-- TIM Step outside? Just for a moment. I just got off shift and need some fresh air, anyway. SCENE 5. OUTDOORS, CONTINUOUS SOUND DOOR OPENS. MORNING NOISES - BIRDS, CARS DARCY [takes a deep breath] So. Ghosts. TIM Anything you can tell me. DARCY That's like asking a gearhead about cars. It covers way too much territory. You need to be more specific. TIM How do you ...talk to them? DARCY Depends. Some ghosts can't talk. A lot of them don't even realize they're dead - they say it's the trauma. They wipe their death right out of their memories, and then get mad because people are ignoring them. TIM Do you ...need a medium or something? DARCY Do you need a doctor to know when you have a cold? TIM What? DARCY I'm saying that without some detail about your symptoms, you won't know whether to consult an expert. TIM Oh, Ok. DARCY I approach ghosts from a theoretical and psychological angle. TIM Very scientific. DARCY So? Bring me some parameters. MUSIC SCENE 6. MORGUE, NIGHT SOUND BIG DRAWER ROLLS OUT TIM I wonder if it has to be pushed in? GORDY [filter, crackly] Dude, you're breaking up - the morgue sucks for reception. TIM [snicker] A dead zone. GORDY [filter, crackly] Ha-ha. TIM So I got this guy... [muttered, to corpse] Sorry, man. [to Gordy] I wonder if it needs to be rolled in? GORDY [filter, crackly] Did you remember to tie it up? TIM [resigned] Yes. GORDY [filter, crackly, fading] You'll thank me if this is a flesh eating zombie situation. TIM In, I think. SOUND DRAWER ROLLS IN TIM 10, 9, 8-- GORDY [filter, crackly, fading badly] 7--[static] 5-- TIM 4, 3, 2... SOUND PHONE BEEPS OFF TIM Crap! SOUND MUFFLED SCREAMING ["MALE BODY"] AND BANGING - CONTINUES UNTIL NOTED MALE BODY [light accent - very southern belle] LET ME OUT! TIM [almost paralyzed] Oh, shit! Oh, shit oh shit oh shit!!! MALE BODY PLEASE!!! LET ME OUT!!! SOUND DIALING PHONE TIM Gordy, man! SOUND PHONE BAD CONNECTION SOUND TIM Shit! MALE BODY [Screaming incoherently] TIM [yelling] If I open the drawer, will you shut up? MALE BODY [suddenly silent, then] Is there someone out there? TIM Yes. Just, be calm, OK? MALE BODY I'll try. SOUND DRAWER ROLLED OUT TIM [reacts in fear] MALE BODY Thank you ever so much! I was afraid-- I-- Why on earth am I bound? [clears throat, tries to speak higher pitch] And what in heaven's name has happened to my voice? MALE BODY I think somehow there is a great deal you are choosing not to tell me. TIM You're right, but--- this isn't going to be easy. First, who are you? Do you remember? MALE BODY Remember? Of course. Bedelia Crane. Miss Bedelia to my students. And yourself? TIM Um, Tim. Timothy Grant. MALE BODY Grant. Well, there's a name for you. TIM And -- what year do you think it is? MALE BODY 1932. Now it's your turn. Why don't you begin by telling me what it is you are keeping back. MUSIC SCENE 7. EMPTY CAFETERIA SOUND STRAW POPS MILK CARTON GORDY One advantage of working nights - we have our choice of tables. TIM Yup. GORDY So, do I have to beat it out of you? TIM What? GORDY What happened? TIM Oh. [lightly] Body came to life, killed me, went off on a rampage. GORDY Right, and even now, it is heading for the nation's capital, in search of brains. TIM Wrong direction. GORDY Well, that's because I was employing sarcasm. It's a tool of the trade for oncologists. TIM [beat, shrug] Nothing. GORDY Nothing? TIM Nope. GORDY Well. Guess I better cancel that Ghostbuster stripper I hired. MUSIC SCENE 8. OUTSIDE, DAY SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE, SECOND SET HURRY UP TIM Darcy! Got a minute? DARCY Hi! [damping her enthusiasm] Tim. TIM I have some more info on the ghost. DARCY You're serious? TIM Oh, yeah. I talked to her last night. Asked a bunch of questions - it was weird cause I didn't know she was a SHE, and I'd stuck in a man's body, but-- DARCY Tim? TIM Yes? DARCY You're telling me you spoke to a ghost? TIM Yes. DARCY A real live ghost? TIM Apart from the poor choice of words, yes. DARCY Are you sure you didn't just fall asleep? TIM [not too sure] Pretty sure. DARCY [sigh] I mean, I want to believe you, but - actually speaking to a ghost? Most people "feel a presence," or notice items have been moved a teensy bit from their previous position, or run into a cold spot. TIM Nope. We just chatted - once I explained how things were, she seemed mostly OK with it. I guess no one ever just talked with her before. DARCY [thinks for a moment, then] You need to video this or something. TIM Don't you even want to know who she is? I was kind of hoping you could help me look up her records... [running out of steam] Being in records, and all. DARCY Oh sure. Once I see your recording. MUSIC SCENE 9. MORGUE, NIGHT SOUND DRAWER ROLLS OUT TIM Is this one better? BEDELIA [delighted] Oh, much. I almost feel like myself again. Though of course, I am not. TIM You're taking it very well. BEDELIA I have always prided myself on being a practical woman. There is no use in shedding tears over what cannot be changed. [losing confidence] I do, however, worry some little about what's to become of me. TIM I have some questions for you. Are you up to answering? BEDELIA Certainly. And, Timothy? Thank you so very much. For everything. Particularly for providing me with ... garments. I know it's ludicrous to be modest with another's-- TIM No, no. Perfectly reasonable. I'm curious‑‑ BEDELIA Could you help me out first? I would prefer to hold any such interview in a less horizontal position. SOUND DRAWER OUT A BIT MORE TIM & BEDELIA [grunts as he helps her up] SOUND SEVERAL BARE FOOTSTEPS BEDELIA [sighs as she sits] Timothy, was this poor girl deformed? TIM Huh? BEDELIA I can barely keep my balance and walk with such a monstrous bosom. Poor, poor child. TIM It's-- Um - guys like girls who-- BEDELIA How times change. Now in my day - well, my heyday, shall we say - the style was a more delicate, and slender figure. Athletic. A girl like this would have cried her eyes out every night and bound herself to kingdom come, trying to achieve a decent flapper slouch. TIM [shudder] Uhh. BEDELIA Of, course, I was hardly a flapper - I was a bit old to run with that crowd, [nostalgic] but I spent my share of time in the speaks. Weekends only, o'course. It would never do to show up hung at the schoolhouse of a morning. TIM Can I ask - I mean without offending you - when you were born? BEDELIA Oh, Timothy. You are a delight. I'm dead, child, how can you offend me? MUSIC SCENE 10. MEETING DARCY SOUND [On RECORDING] OUTSIDE NOISES BEDELIA [on recording] I was born in the year 1891, in Rock Creek, Georgia. I came here in-- SOUND CLICK - TAPE MACHINE OFF DARCY [sucks in breath, exasperated noise] But-- but that could be anyone. TIM Yeah, I figured you might think that, so here-- SOUND CLICKING OF COMPUTER KEYS DARCY [gasp] TIM Sorry, it's the only way to prove - see the time code - this was 11:50, and then this-- SOUND CLICKING TIM Was 1:08. There. Before and after shots of the same woman - dead. Autopsy scars and all. DARCY Still... TIM You could come and see for yourself. You can even choose the body-- DARCY I -- no. I mean, I'm in records for a reason. I don't like ...the smelly parts of medicine. TIM All right, so-- GORDY [coming on] Hey, hey! Darcy, are you warm in here, or is it just me? DARCY Is it funny in here, or is it just the way you smell? TIM Um-- DARCY I've got to go, Tim. If I think of anything, I'll let you know. TIM Um, Ok. SOUND CHAIR, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE GORDY Since the ghost in the drawer was a bust-- TIM [snort - almost a laugh] GORDY --I did a little digging in old newspapers and I found you another one. TIM Really? In the morgue too? GORDY Yup. There was this freshman at the medical school, who for a hazing had to spend the night in the morgue - to make sure he didn't cheat, the frat boys handcuffed him to one of the drawers TIM Number 23? GORDY Dude, no one wa…

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Atomic Julie - Planet of Dreams by James McKimmey, Jr. Nov 16, 2021

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A life of nothing but pleasant contemplation - no work, no worry - would be a lovely hell, wouldn't it?

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