Pillow Talks

Latest Episodes:

E279: Ask a Sex Therapist: Kink Icks, Spicy Pics, and Vanilla Sex Sep 24, 2026

Show notes

Would you tell your partner if their kink gave you the ick? What if their foreplay technique wasn't quite doing it for you? And is it normal for sex to be just okay most of the time? Oh, we've got some GOOD questions for you today. We're back with another round of Ask a Sex Therapist, answering the questions you've been sending us about sex, pleasure, and all those things you might be a little too embarrassed to ask out loud. From requesting spicy pics to navigating intimacy when your marriage is going through a rough patch, we're getting into the details with our favorite combination of honest conversations, practical advice, and a little TMI. In this episode, you'll hear:

How to ask your wife for spicy pics in a way that feels fun for both of you
What to do when your partner's kink gives you the ick
How to navigate intimacy when your marriage is going through a rough patch
Whether it's normal for sex to be average most of the time and mind-blowing only occasionally
Why clitoral stimulation can sometimes feel so intense that it almost hurts
How to tell your partner you want something different during foreplay without hurting their feelings

Whether you've been wondering about one of these questions yourself or you're just here for the juicy details, you're going to love this conversation. And who knows? You might even pick up a new trick or two to try tonight. Ready to put some new moves in your foreplay repertoire? We've got your next favorite thing to do in bed. Actually, make that several. The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are packed with step-by-step techniques for fingering, oral sex, handjobs, and blowjobs, so you can discover new ways to touch, tease, and drive each other absolutely wild. You'll also get an entire section dedicated to navigating foreplay frustrations, including how to ask for what you want and give feedback that actually helps. Because the more you know about each other's pleasure, the more fun you get to have together. Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay Stay Connected Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off on home and sleepwear. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

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E278: How to Get Out of a Relationship Rut: Your 4-Week Plan Sep 17, 2026

Show notes

Your conversations have turned into a running list of who's handling what, and your quality time is two people on one couch looking at two different screens. 44% of the couples we polled said they're in a rut right now too.

So we built you a four-week plan, five minutes a day, plus the exact words to use if you're the one who has to bring it up.

In this episode, you'll hear:

The difference between a rut and a red flag
The exact words to use when you're the one raising this, and how to keep it from landing like a complaint
Why "we're just busy" is the most common reason couples end up here, and the part nobody questions
The five-minute daily habit that starts week one, and why your brain needs the reps
The weekend activity that only counts if it has zero practical value
The hug-and-kiss math that resets both your nervous systems in under a minute
Why week four is the one couples skip, and why skipping it is how you end up right back here

A rut doesn't mean you picked the wrong person or that something's broken between you. It means life got loud, so press play with your partner and let this be the thing that starts the conversation.

LINKS & RESOURCES

📝4-Week Relationship Reset PDF: your Companion Workbook for EPISODE 278:How to Get Out of a Relationship Rut: Your 4-Week Plan - https://free.vmtherapy.com/4-week-reset
👋The Art of Initiation: your guide to making initiation feel easier, sexier, and more satisfying https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation
✅Turn Me On: Your Initiation Style Guide: a free guide to discover your unique initiation style (and how to use it!) https://free.vmtherapy.com/initiation-style-guide

Want the month after this one handled too? The Spark is our $9 a month membership for couples whose lives are full and whose relationship keeps sliding to the bottom of the list. Every month we deliver a fresh drop of ideas straight to you.

The planning is done for you. The ideas show up, and the two of you pick whatever sounds fun.
Small sparks, on a schedule. Enough momentum to keep you out of the rut you just climbed out of.

Nine dollars a month. Less than a fancy coffee. Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Cure’s the electrolyte mix I’ve started reaching for daily. With clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it’s become easy to stay hydrated. Find it on Amazon or use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

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E277: How to Take Your Orgasm to the Next Level with the Four Orgasm Amplifiers Sep 10, 2026

Show notes

Every once in a while an orgasm hits you like a freight train, and you lie there afterward wondering what on earth that was and why you can't do it again.

What if that wasn't luck?

In this episode, you'll hear:

Why getting really efficient at reaching orgasm can be the exact thing capping how big it gets
Why getting really efficient at reaching orgasm can be the exact thing capping how big it gets
The four things about your orgasm you can actually change
What your body does automatically the second an orgasm starts that's probably cutting it short
Why the window for a second orgasm stays open longer than you think, and the one moment that closes it
The truth about G-spot, cervical, and nipple orgasms, and why none of them outrank the clitoris
What Vanessa found after twenty years of thinking she already knew everything about her own body

What if your orgasm was only the beginning?

Advanced Orgasm is our course for the woman who already orgasms reliably, on her own and with a partner, and is curious what else her body can do. It doesn't teach you how to orgasm. It teaches you how to shape what happens when you do.

The four Amplifiers we walk through in this episode. Intensity, Duration, Frequency, and Pathway. Four levers you can pull, with the step-by-step for each one.
You get to decide what kind of orgasm you have. Slow and drawn out tonight, enormous on Friday, two of them if that's the mood.
A 30-day actually-try-it guarantee. Give it a fair shot, and if you haven't learned something that expands how you explore your own pleasure, we'll refund you.
Lifetime access, including every upgrade we ever make to it.

Check out Advanced Orgasm here: https://vmtherapy.com/advanced

Not sure if it’s for you? If your orgasm only shows up under very particular conditions, or you can get there on your own but not with a partner, that's not a flaw. You're just at a different starting line. Start with Finishing School: https://vmtherapy.com/orgasm

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off on home and sleepwear. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

E276: How Do You Turn Your Partner On? (When You've Been Together For Years) Sep 03, 2026

Show notes

At the start of a relationship, turning your partner on felt like it took basically no effort.

So what do you do a decade in, when you've watched each other fart and floss, and nothing seems to happen on its own anymore?

In this episode, you'll hear:

Why nothing sexy happens spontaneously after about six months, and what has to replace it
The thing you have to clear out of the way before you can build desire at all
Which of the four desire types you and your partner each are, and why it changes how you initiate
How to flirt with someone you've been with for years without feeling ridiculous
The compliment swap that makes it actually land, and what to say instead of "you're hot"
Why initiating in the moment is already too late, and when to start instead
What our community said gets them in the mood, from grey sweatpants to a longer than usual kiss in the kitchen

Mentioned in this episode:

Discover your initiation style here: https://vmtherapy.com/style

Listen to Episode 251: What's Your Desire Type?: https://vmtherapy.com/episode251

Want to make sure the sex is worth craving?

It's time to give and receive "I didn't know it could be that good" pleasure with the Ultimate Foreplay Guides. Our #1 best-seller for a reason.

Detailed, step-by-step instructions that guide you through expertly fingering and going down on a vulva, and giving jaw-dropping hand jobs and blow jobs.
Over 100 unique techniques designed to give your partner maximum pleasure and secret hacks to get them begging for more.

Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

Think you've tried every position? Think again.

Ultimate Sex Positions is our fully illustrated guide to 47 positions, with step-by-step guidance, tips for how to move, and smart adjustments for real bodies.

47 fully illustrated positions with step-by-step guidance for getting into, out of, and moving in each one.
17 pillow positions, because changing your angle by a few inches changes everything.

Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex

Stay Connected Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cure. Cure’s the electrolyte mix I’ve started reaching for daily. With clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it’s become easy to stay hydrated. Find it on Amazon or use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

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E275: Reasonable or Ridiculous? Sex Quotas, Oral Every Time, and Dirty Talk Dealbreakers Aug 27, 2026

Show notes

It's time for another round of Reasonable or Ridiculous, where we take real life couple disagreements our community members just can't settle and play referee.

In this episode, you'll hear:

Can you ask your partner to start initiating again after you spent years shutting them down?
A monthly quota for sex: reasonable or red flag?
Oral every single time: too much to ask or not a big deal?
The blowjob stereotype most women believe, and what men actually told us in our foreplay survey
Asking your partner to stop saying a word that gives you the ick, without shutting down the dirty talk entirely
How to admit you've hated something in bed for years without making your partner feel terrible
Is waking your partner up because you can't sleep crossing a line?

Want to stop guessing and start feeling confident in your technique?

It’s time to give and receive “I didn’t know it could be that good” pleasure with the Ultimate Foreplay Guides. Our #1 best-seller for a reason.

Detailed, step-by-step instructions that guide you through expertly fingering and going down on a vulva, and giving jaw-dropping hand jobs and blow jobs.
Animated GIFs with tasteful illustrations that will help you become an expert at our hottest foreplay techniques.
Over 100 unique techniques designed to give your partner maximum pleasure and secret hacks to get them begging for more.
Exactly what to do before, during, and after orgasm to ensure a “my soul just left my body” experience.

Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

Stay Connected

Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Oversized, ultra-plush, and completely built for your best summer days. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

E274: Is it Normal to Not Orgasm During Sex? We Got Attacked for Talking About This Aug 20, 2026

Show notes

We recently shared a reel answering a question from a woman who didn’t orgasm during sex. The comments section turned into something we've never experienced in over ten years of doing this, including one accusation we still can't believe we had to respond to.

In this episode, you'll hear:

The one line in that reel that set the whole thing off
The accusation that hurt more than anything we've ever been called online
The ball of clay explanation that changes how you understand your own anatomy
The percentage of women who actually orgasm from penetration alone (it's not what you've been told)
The rule we have in our own sex life

As promised in the episode, our Survivor's Guide is a free resource for survivors of sexual assault who want to reclaim their sex life. Grab it here: https://vmtherapy.com/survivors-guide-opt-in

Finishing School is our orgasm course for women, and it starts exactly where this episode does, with understanding that you're not broken.

Learn how your anatomy actually works
Do the mindset work first, because that's what makes every technique after it land
Get step by step practices for orgasming on your own and with a partner
Learn how to create more sensation during intercourse instead of less

Check out Finishing School here: https://vmtherapy.com/orgasm

Stay Connected

Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

E273: How to Try New Sex Positions Without Killing the Mood Aug 13, 2026

Show notes

This week we're answering all your questions about trying new positions, from how to introduce something new when you've been together forever, to why switching things up can kill the mood, to the pillow trick that changes everything, plus how many positions you actually need for great sex.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

🛏️ How to introduce new positions when you've been together forever
⭐ The most underrated position, and no, it's not missionary
🎬 Why switching out of missionary sometimes kills the mood
🍆 What to do when he goes soft during a transition
🛋️ The best pillow and furniture for better positions
⏱️ How long to give a position before deciding "nah, this isn't it"
🔢 How many positions you actually need in one session

Use this episode to talk with your partner about what you'd actually love to try next.

💦 Think you've tried every position? Think again.

Ultimate Sex Positions is our fully illustrated guide to 47 positions, with step-by-step guidance, tips for how to move, and smart adjustments for real bodies.

47 fully illustrated positions (5 new!) with step-by-step guidance
17 brand-new pillow positions, because changing your angle by a few inches changes everything
Recommendations for what each position is best for, plus troubleshooting and aftercare
Right now, get the whole guide and every bonus for just $49, half off the regular $97

The sale ends Monday, August 17, so don't wait.

👉🏻 Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex

💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Oversized, ultra-plush, and completely built for your best summer days. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

E272: What Do Men Really Think About….? (Part 5) Rough Sex, Vibrators, and What Turns Them Off Aug 06, 2026

Show notes

It’s time for another episode of What Do Men Really Think About… and Xander’s back in the hot seat to answer your burning questions about preferences, fantasies, the death grip, and how to give better feedback in bed.

Plus, we’re giving you questions to share with your partner to help you get on the same page and build your goals for your sex life!

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

🔥 Do men actually prefer rough sex?
💬 The most misunderstood thing about men and sex
🕯️ How to use the 5 to 10 minutes right after sex for more connection
🗣️ Do men really want feedback in bed?
🍑 Reverse cowgirl, the view, and the butthole anxiety
💧 How men really feel about discharge and everything else your body does during sex
🔌 Do men get upset when you need a vibrator to orgasm?
❓ A round of quick fire preference questions to take home and ask your partner tonight

🕯️ Want more connection, intimacy, and spark in your relationship every single month?

The Spark is our monthly membership for couples who want to keep intimacy alive without having to figure it all out on their own.

Fresh, doable ways to connect delivered every month, so you never run out of ideas
Real guidance from a sex therapist and her very own regular dude
Low pressure prompts and conversations that actually fit your real life
Built for couples in any season, whether things feel stuck or you just want more of a good thing

💛 Stay Connected 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cure. Cure Hydration just launched in Target, which I'm genuinely pumped about. I stocked up last week and the box is already half gone. So next time you're at Target, grab some! Use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

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E271: The Real Reason You Can't "Let Go" in Bed Jul 30, 2026

Show notes

You're finally in bed together, but you can’t stop thinking about tomorrow's to-do list.

We've all heard the advice to “just let go”. Stop thinking, stop controlling, lose yourself.

But 80% of you tell us that you struggle to actually do that.

So we're saying something a little controversial this week: "just let go" might be the worst sex advice out there. Listen in to learn what actually helps you feel present and connected to your partner during sex.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

Why "just let go" tends to backfire and pull you further into your head
The real reasons your brain won't quiet down
Why you'll never be perfectly present the whole time, and why that's actually OK
The questions to ask yourself mid-distraction to spot what's really in the way
A better goal to chase than "letting go”
How your nervous system decides whether pleasure feels safe, and how to help it settle

If you've ever laid there convinced something's wrong with you for not being able to switch off, nothing is. Your brain is doing exactly what brains do, and there's a kinder, more useful way in.

The Spark is our $9/month membership for keeping playfulness, curiosity, and closeness alive when real life keeps getting in the way.

If this episode hit home, it's the easiest place to start putting it into practice:

Fresh prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered every month
Built for real couples with real lives, not just the honeymoon phase
Small, doable ways to stay connected and get out of your head together

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected

Get our weekly email at https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe.

Loving the show? Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen, and leave a review to help more people find us.

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Made from viscose from bamboo — breathable, soft, and built for summer. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

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E270: The 5 Silent Relationship Killers That Turn Partners Into Roommates Jul 23, 2026

Show notes

We ran a poll and 67% of couples told us they feel more like roommates than partners.

This week we're walking through our D.R.I.F.T. Framework: the 5 silent relationship killers that chip away at intimacy, plus the small shifts that bring you back to each other.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

The full D.R.I.F.T. Framework and why that 67% roommate stat lands so hard for so many couples
📱 How the average person's 144 daily phone checks can turn date night into two people scrolling side by side
🔁 When "who's grabbing the kids?" takes over and the deeper conversations start to disappear
😐 Why the absence of conflict isn't the same as closeness
🙏 The gratitude gap that lets resentment move in, and why appreciation is one of the biggest predictors of a happy marriage
🤝 How the "bristle reaction" kills everyday affection, and the 10-second reset that brings it back

These might feel like small things, but over time they add up to real distance. The good news: once you can name them, you can start to shift them, together.

🕯️ Ready to swap the drift for a little more spark every month?

The Spark is our monthly membership for couples who want to keep choosing each other on purpose, with low-pressure ways to stay close long after the credits roll on date night.

Fresh ways to reconnect that you don't have to dream up yourself, so "fine" never gets the chance to settle in
Simple, doable ideas that bring real conversation and everyday, non-sexual affection back into your week
A monthly nudge to keep intimacy intentional, because connection takes intention, not mind-reading

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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