Life’s not easy for Doug Eiffel, the communications officer for the U.S.S. Hephaestus Research Station, currently on Day 448 of its orbit around red dwarf star Wolf 359. He’s stuck on a scientific survey mission of indeterminate length, 7.8 light years from Earth. His only company on board the station are stern mission chief Minkowski, insane science officer Hilbert, and Hephaestus Station’s sentient, often malfunctioning operating system Hera. He doesn’t have much to do for his job other than monitoring static and intercepting the occasional decades-old radio broadcast from Earth, so he spends most of his time creating extensive audio logs about the ordinary, day-to-day happenings within the station. But the Hephaestus is an odd place, and life in extremely isolated, zero gravity conditions has a way of doing funny things to people’s minds. Even the simplest of tasks can turn into a gargantuan struggle, and the most ordinary-seeming things have a way of turning into anything but that. Wolf 359 is a radio drama in the tradition of Golden Age of Radio shows. Take one part space-faring adventure, add one part character drama, and mix in one part absurdist sitcom, and you get Wolf 359. New episodes are released every two weeks.
Here's the Latest Episode from Wolf 359 – Kinda Evil Genius Productions:
The creative team behind Wolf 359 is fundraising to make a new audio fiction show! There's less than 48 hours left on the clock, so if you'd like to help, now's the moment to visit www.unseen.show!
Hello Dear Listeners! We're popping back into the Wolf 359 feed for a quick special announcement! Gabriel Urbina, Sarah Shachat, and Zach Valenti, the creative team behind Wolf 359, are making a new audio fiction show! It's called Unseen, and it's an urban fantasy series!
They're fundraising for the show on Kickstarter right now, and it would mean the world to them if you could help them make the show a reality. Whether it's by pledging whatever bit of loose change feels right to you or helping to spread the word about the campaign, every little bit makes a massive difference in making this new series a reality.
We're very excited about this new series, and we think it'll be amazing, but don't just take our word for it! Check out this teaser trailer for Unseen, the latest show from Long Story Short Productions.
Written and Directed by: Gabriel Urbina & Sarah Shachat
Performed by: Zach Valenti
Sound Designed by: Zach Valenti
Featuring Open Your Eyes by Alon Peretz.
Thank you for listening!
Hello Dear Listeners! We're re-activating the Wolf 359 feed for a very special announcement from the man of a thousand voices himself, Zach Valenti. The creative team behind Wolf 359 has just released a brand-new audio drama anthology series called Zero Hours.
We think it's pretty neat, and so we wanted share the first episode, which features a couple other voices you're probably familiar with...
We hope you enjoy, and you can check out the rest of Zero Hours at www.zerohourspodcast.com.
Faced with yet another affront to his dignity, Communications Officer Eiffel expresses his frustrations the only way he knows how - through the miracle of radio.
Written by Zach Valenti, Sarah Shachat, and Gabriel Urbina. Directed by Gabriel Urbina. Performed by Zach Valenti and Emma Sherr-Ziarko. Original music by Alan Rodi. Originally commissioned by Spoke.
Forced to deal with the unique challenge of figuring out how to put on a space suit, Communications Officer Eiffel does his best to break it down into small, manageable steps.
Written by Zach Valenti, Sarah Shachat, and Gabriel Urbina. Directed by Gabriel Urbina. Performed by Zach Valenti. Original music by Alan Rodi. Originally commissioned by Spoke.
Communications Officer Eiffel explores the far reaches of the Hephaestus, and goes on a journey like no other.
Written by Zach Valenti, Sarah Shachat, and Gabriel Urbina. Directed by Gabriel Urbina. Performed by Zach Valenti. Original music by Alan Rodi. Originally commissioned by Spoke.
It's been one year since the release of our finale episode! To commemorate the occasion, we are finally releasing the full version of Pryce and Carter's Deep Space Survival Procedure and Protocol Manual, as well as three new mini episodes. Happy Holidays!
Well... it's been a while.
Can you believe almost a full year has gone by since the end of Wolf 359? Saying that feels very surreal to all of us at Kinda Evil Genius HQ. And lately a lot of people have been asking us: what has everyone on the cast and crew been working on lately?
A lot of stuff.
New audio dramas! New talk shows! Getting advanced degrees! Modeling! Adventures in the world of tech! Big writing projects! Experimental cross-media performance art! Landscape architecture! So! Much! Stuff!
But seriously: when we stopped to take stock of how much cool work folks were doing, we thought it might nice to share the latest from the team with all of you. So fire up the old podcasting apps, and join Doug Eiffel himself, Zach Valenti, for a whirlwind update on what some of the cast and crew have been up to this year.
Please be advised this episode of Wolf 359 contains violence and the use of firearms. Listener discretion is advised.
Our finale episode. Faced with a choice between finally going home and stopping Pryce and Cutter's master plan, the crew of the Hephaestus heads towards their final confrontation with their enemies, their past selves, and each other. Plus, the Doug Eiffel Fastball Special, the lies we tell ourselves, another bad plan, cool stuff with robots, and one day more.
Before you dive into our finale episode, one last quick announcement from the show's producers. Thank you to everyone for three and a half amazing years!
Mission Mishaps, entry eight. SI-5 surveillance log. Entry #CRT004. Maxwell and Jacobi try to talk their way out of a mandatory assignment.
Investigative reporter Andrea Nash is having a very good day. She's flown halfway around the world on a very special assignment: an exclusive interview with Marcus Cutter, the infamous Director of Communications for Goddard Futuristics. It's a shot at journalism greatness, and Nash intends to make the most of it. But as she gets closer and closer to unearthing the earth-shaking story she's after, her subject gets more and more defensive... and starts considering more radical means of eliminating the unwanted attention. Plus, terrors to work for, a big, honking private plane, the charms of analog recorders, things no monkey could ever manage, and the fiery intensity of a thousand burning suns.
Please be advised this episode of Wolf 359 contains instances of violence and use of firearms. Listener discretion is advised.
With the wayward pod successfully recovered but Doctor Pryce still in the hands of the rebellious crew, Cutter must find a way to defuse an explosive hostage situation. Will the uneasy truces formed during the state of emergency last long enough for both sides to reach a diplomatic compromise? Or will Cutter and his operatives resort to more... extreme measures in an attempt to give the conflict a more permanent solution? Plus, a homecoming of sorts, supportive company culture, rashness, impulsivity, and a hell of a sunset.
Mission Mishaps, Entry Seven. SI-5 Surveillance Log. Entry #FRD916. Kepler and Jacobi try to keep themselves entertained during a stakeout.
Trapped with Kepler and Pryce on board a jettisoned pod from the Sol, Eiffel and Minkowski must find a way to avoid all manner of imminent death. Before too long, a delicate truce has been struck, as both sides try to find a way out of their predicament. But how long can a fragile ceasefire last in such a volatile situation? And will their respective allies on the Hephaestus come to the rescue... or throw yet another monkey-wrench into the proceedings? Plus, signature looks, Chinny-Chin-Chins, limited vocabularies, very motivational singing, and the "Life Ruiner of the Year" competition!
Mission Mishaps, Entry Six. Hephaestus Log #TRK536. Day five hundred and fifty-three. Eiffel takes the lead on cooking dinner for the crew's second Thanksgiving on the Hephaestus.
Please be advised this episode of Wolf 359 contains instances of violence and body horror. Listener discretion is advised.
Having freed themselves from Pryce's mind control, Eiffel, Minkowski, Hera, Lovelace, and Jacobi need to come up with a plan for how to escape from the Hephaestus. But their new scheme will force them to face a formidable challenge: getting through the Sol's security system, an obstacle unlike any they have ever faced before. Plus, nice blunt objects, partial intelligence, mischief specialists, traumatized breaking down, and the creepiest place in the star system.
Mission Mishaps, Entry Five. Hephaestus Log #WYL320. Day four hundred and eighty-seven. Eiffel reads scary stories and hears something in the dark.
Please be advised this episode of Wolf 359 contains violence. Listener discretion is advised.
Part two of two. Newly released from Pryce's mental control, Eiffel works with Lovelace and Hera to try to save the rest of the crew. But as the situation becomes more and more volatile - and as their enemies get more and more suspicious - will the communications officer be able to retain his newfound freedom? Plus, commemorative plaques, security breaches, crossed wires, dexterous digits, and a fireworks show from the perspective of the fireworks.
Please be advised this episode of Wolf 359 contains disturbing content. Listener discretion is advised.
Part one of two. With the crew brainwashed into doing their bidding and Hera forced to comply with her creator's wishes, Pryce and Cutter seem to be in complete control of the Hephaestus. But when a a small flaw in their plan and an unexpected opportunity present themselves, will Lovelace be able to fight back against Command and their agents? Plus, small island nations, friendly faces, new recurring nightmares, ice cream scoopers, and slow, painful, entirely avoidable deaths.
Mission Mishaps, entry four. Hephaestus Log #NOL858. Day 411. Eiffel ventures into the greenhouse.
Mission Mishaps, entry three. Hephaestus Log #WME389. Day three-hundred and seventy-two. Eiffel encounters a stowaway.
Please be advised this episode of Wolf 359 contains disturbing content, threats of violence, and firearms. Listener discretion is advised.
Following Eiffel's sudden disappearance, Minkowski and the crew work overtime to try to locate their missing Communications Officer. But when they instead make contact with Command agents en route to the station, the team must make some very difficult decisions about how to handle this new threat. Plus, hands-on work, very slim chances, the kill squad, participation awards, and the image of God.
Mission Mishaps, Entry Two. Hephaestus Mission Log #KWE824. Day 202. Eiffel tries to avoid his daily chores around the station.
Slowly floating towards Wolf 359, untethered and separated from everyone else on the crew, Officer Eiffel tries a radical approach to solving the aliens' riddle. However, it's only a matter of time before he realizes the situation might be more complicated, more unpredictable, and more dangerous than he ever imagined. Plus, a place where the sidewalk ends, very necessary drama, the immortal words of Marvin Gaye, a momentary road bump, and the express train to Grand Central.
Mission Mishaps, Entry One. Hephaestus Formal Complaint #ARB062. Day 510. Eiffel tries to boost the crew's morale with a bit of sonic artistry appreciation.
This episode of Wolf 359 contains discussions of violence and death. Listener discretion is advised. When Eiffel picks up signs of a transmission from deep space just hours before Hera's scheduled to go through an internal reset, the crew is divided on whether he should attempt to pursue it or not. But with only the autopilot for backup and an unexpected threat waiting in the wings, they soon discover they're more vulnerable than any of them realize. Plus, above average chimpanzees, horrifying threats of bodily mutilation, Plan C, rules of project management, and elaborate pranks to teach important lessons.
Following the fiasco that was his latest attempt at radio journalism, Officer Eiffel has retreated away from the crew, working long hours by himself. Things take a turn for the worse, however, when a dangerous gas is accidentally released throughout the station. Quarantined in Hilbert's old lab while Hera works to undo the environmental damage, the crew and their prisoners resorts to increasingly desperate means to stave off boredom, slow-simmering resentments, and Eiffel's growing insecurities about his place on the Hephaestus. Plus, tragic accidents, slight malfunctions, Franken-Nouveau decor, interjection-y glory, and a complete lack of moral compass.
Space Monkey Radio proudly presents U.F.Overview: a new series that offers in-depth analysis on the possibility of alien contact, and explores the complex realities of communicating with non-terrestrial beings. What do we know? How do we know it? When will we know that what we're trying to know is something we can know? Join our two intrepid co-hosts as they ponder these questions. Plus, archive recordings, hapless civilians, nine-dimensional formats, the world's suckiest pleasure cruise, and the forefront of evil in thirty-two different star systems.
It’s been a few weeks since the crew aborted repairs on the Urania, and they are no closer to figuring out how to satisfy the aliens' mysterious demands. If only they had someone on board who shared some sort of connection with these beings... But convincing Captain Lovelace to try and reach out to the alien presence for answers is only half the battle - they will have to really think outside the box in order to make contact. Plus, Borg network action, intergalactic twenty questions, Ouija boards, the Avatar State, and purely academic curiosity.
With the end of the Urania's repairs in sight, the crew is throwing all their energy into one final push. But as the finish line inches closer, Captain Lovelace begins to notice something strange. Work is mysteriously getting undone each morning, and certain events seem to be repeating themselves day in and day out. What is happening? And why does no one else seem to notice? Plus, hydraulic horsepower, horrific manipulation, highly unlikely events, the sledgehammer approach, and Hephaestus Crisis Dog Years.
Please be advised this episode of Wolf 359 contains mentions of violence, death, and suicide. Listener discretion is advised.
As Eiffel, Minkowski, Hera, and Lovelace try to decide how to allocate their limited resources, Kepler finally reveals some of Goddard Futuristics's most deeply held secrets. Before the crew can consider the existential implications of these revelations, however, they'll need to deal with their own growing fears, insecurities, and personal conflicts. Plus, snake-filled pits, educated guesses, paradigm shifts, impractical human emotions, and the remainder of our musical program.
Tonight's episode features Julia Morizawa in the role of Commander Zhang. It also features The Waltz of the Flowers, by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky.
Eiffel and Minkowski listen in on a tense discussion.
Please be advised this episode of Wolf 359 contains violence. Listener discretion is advised.
The crew of the Hephaestus's day just got a whole lot worse. The funeral they were holding was interrupted by one of the deceased seemingly coming back to life, their station is being battered by radiation, and Hera has gone offline. And - oh yes - the alien contact event they've been hearing so much about has only just started. It's going to take everything the beleaguered team has to weather the storm, deal with the two enemy prisoners in their midst, and come to grips with what's happened to Captain Lovelace. Plus, a chain reaction, trash duty, cool dental plans, the sacred tradition of "Nose Goes," and why we get into trouble.
Please be advised this episode of Wolf 359 contains violence. Listener discretion is advised.
Captain Lovelace, commanding officer of the U.S.S. Hephaestus Station, is not having a great week. She's butting heads with Communications Officer Lambert, her pedantic second-in-command. Doctors Hui and Fourier, her astrophysicists, seem more interested in an upcoming stellar flare than in basic station safety. Her engineer, Fisher, is getting fed up with the constant bickering, and her chief science officer, Doctor Selberg, isn't exactly... dependable. But things really take a turn for the worse when her superiors at Command decide it's time to put her crew through a very special training exercise, one carefully tailored to get under their skin. Lovelace, Lambert, and the rest of the crew must come together if they hope to make it through the longest, strangest, and most dangerous day of their expedition so far. Plus, apoplectic fugue states, emotional decision-making, corporate acid trips, never-before-seen attractions, and work of real substance.
As Eiffel, Minkowski, and Hera reel from the results of their mutiny, it soon becomes clear that even worse dangers might be right around the corner. With everyone's psyche in a delicate state and the chances of survival mounting against them, the crew has to decide how to spend their last hours before the alien contact event. Plus, the Grand Ol' Opry, ooga-booga, evolution, the oncoming alien-pocalypse, and getting by with some help from your friends.
This episode of Wolf 359 contains gun violence. Listener discretion is advised.
Part two of two. The crew desperately tries to salvage their mutiny and escape the wrath of the SI-5. But as both sides try to out-maneuver each other, the danger of drastic actions causing irreparable damage becomes more and more pronounced. Plus, the hands of the enemy, disciplinary tools, recreational monster hunting, warning shots, and disgusting pieces of human garbage.
Part one of two. Still reeling from recent revelations, the crew plans to neutralize Colonel Kepler and the SI-5. But it's not long before different factions insist on conflicting ways to overcome their enemies - and about the level of force the situation calls for. Plus, clinical descriptions, war crime fuel, different approaches to weasel-popping, situations of absolutely elephantine proportions, and a lovely set of steak knives.
With just over a day left before the long-anticipated alien contact event, Colonel Kepler keeps the crew working overtime to get the Hephaestus ready for anything - and everything - that might happen. As they work around the clock, however, the crew finds that Wolf 359's turbulent air space and a side project of Doctor Hilbert's might offer some unique challenges and some unexpected opportunities. Plus, Q-branch gizmos, Santa's Workshop, studly, manly things, bedtime reading, and the latest in Hephaestus Fashion.
In order to better study the properties of an incoming solar storm, Eiffel, Lovelace, Jacobi, and Maxwell are assigned to collect data on board a small experimental module. Separated from the Hephaestus and the rest of the crew for four days, they must find ways to occupy their minds and stave off boredom. But as time goes by and the storm draws closer, they soon discover that their expedition may be more exciting than they expected. Plus, responsible scientific surveys, vaguely horrific people, Cthulhu, episodes of The Twilight Zone, and doing things by the book.
With Hera out of commission, Doctor Maxwell attempts a difficult reconstructive procedure on the unresponsive autopilot program. Before she can even begin, however, she will have to navigate through the shifting landscape of Hera’s memory banks, a task infinitely more complex than it might appear at first glance. Plus, subjective realities, really loud pinball machines, deleted scenes, attempted crew member homicide, and a backdoor into the subconscious.
While most of the crew tries to enjoy a rare moment of downtime, Doctor Maxwell discovers some previously undetected flaws in the station's systems. When her suspicions about these faults are proven right, the crew is forced to have a series of unexpected and difficult conversations. Plus, the Cybermen Appreciation Society, Cold Shower September, the master of the prank, everlasting funstoppers, and a big pink Heffalump that only you can see.
After a technical mishap causes Jacobi's latest experimental gizmo to discharge within the Urania, a number of the SI-5's personal items are vented into space. A furious Colonel Kepler assembles everyone who was involved, hell bent on determining which of his underlings is at fault. But when Minkowski, Jacobi, and Eiffel each present wildly different accounts of the event, he and Captain Lovelace discover that determining the why, the how, the when, and the who is responsible for this snafu might be trickier than it first appears. Plus, willful destruction of property, outright libel, Thunderdome, excellent opportunities for science, and Exit 101.
Preparations are underway to deal with the next contact anomaly from Wolf 359. But the old crew of the Hephaestus is still unsure what preparations they should make to deal with Colonel Kepler and his team, and the divide in strategies is only getting sharper. Hoping to bring an end to the standstill, Dr. Hilbert decides to try a more radical approach, and seek help from an unlikely source. Plus, the Midnight Society, botanical incidents, inane military mantras, perfectly equitable solutions, and a little Easter Egg.
Captain Warren Kepler undergoes an evaluation.
Communications Specialist Douglas Eiffel considers consequences and responsibilities.
Unit 214 is given a second chance to prove her value as a company asset.
Daniel Jacobi celebrates an anniversary.
Air Force Captain Isabel Lovelace faces an unexpected test.
Doctor Alana Maxwell tries to solve an irritating problem.
Doctor Dmitri Volodin gets a visit from a man who wants to know more about his experimental research.
Air Force Lieutenant Renée Minkowski considers an unusual opportunity.
When Jacobi repeatedly tries - and fails - to put an additional signal receiver in orbit around Wolf 359, most of the crew writes off the endeavor as a lost cause. However, when the Hephaestus is hit by an unexpected series of stellar flares and the strongest musical transmission to date, they might finally be able to get some hard data on the origin of the deep space signals - if they are able to accomplish that seemingly impossible task. Plus, breakfast burritos, insights from Doug Eiffel, violent decompression, the Death Vortex of Death, and a perfect Sunday afternoon.
An accident leaves Dr. Maxwell in imminent danger and the entire station in a state of emergency. The crew scrambles to mount a rescue, but when Kepler and Minkowski disagree over which is the best way to conduct the operation and which way will get them all killed, long simmering tensions between the current and the former commanders come to a head. Can the fractured crew come together in time to prevent a catastrophe? Plus, towering infernos, strategic advantages, rank insubordination, the crazy train, and a very judicious application of explosives.
As they struggle with a demanding schedule, an expanding workload, and Colonel Kepler's growing secrecy, tensions amongst the crew members - both old and new - are on the verge of a breaking point. But when a technical glitch gives Minkowski, Lovelace, Hera, Jacobi, and Maxwell a chance to peak behind the curtain, they soon discover they might be in over their heads. Plus, the Dick Dastardly Administration, self-evident statements, basic motor control, pathological fears, and hostile assaults on the senses.
Jacobi reflects on his relationship with Colonel Kepler.
When the Urania's radio picks up and loses the first deep space signal in months, Colonel Kepler puts everyone on high alert. Split into two teams and forced to stay up on an all-night stakeout, the crew must find ways to keep busy and face unique challenges. On the Urania, Eiffel, Jacobi, and Kepler contemplate their place in the universe. Meanwhile, on the Hephaestus, Minkowski, Hera, Lovelace, and Maxwell confront a threat unlike any they've ever encountered. Plus, the wheel of ages, kitchen sinks, nuclear winter rounds, teenage love lives, and Funzo.
Seeking to prevent another unforeseen Decima outbreak, Eiffel and Hilbert run tests to determine the status of the virus inside the Communication Officer's body. The two men are forced to deal with an unexpected complication, however, when Colonel Kepler decides he wants to sit in on the proceedings. And when Captain Lovelace tries to break into the SI-5's private archive, she receives help from an unexpected source. Plus, brute force, the Medical Mystery Tour, Personal Moron Taxes, wacky misunderstandings, and the farthest point past the bottom of any food chain.
As the SI-5 tightens its grip on the Hephaestus, Colonel Kepler decides to run a comprehensive job review. Each faced with unique challenges, Eiffel, Minkowski, Lovelace, and Hilbert all struggle to prove their worth, preserve their autonomy, and stay ahead of the new management. Plus, mind-numbing drudgery, the Twilight Zone, Kung-Fu Chess, Geppetto, and very official clipboards.
Recorded Live at the Alchemical Theatre Laboratory in New York City! It’s been a rough few months for Communications Officer Doug Eiffel. He’s dealt with plant monsters, the reappearance of a not-so-presumed-dead captain, and a supervirus still chilling in his circulatory system. But he’s about to face his biggest challenge yet: when a mysterious noise from the comms console causes the crew to question his abilities, will Eiffel be able to solve the mystery, keep his sanity, and get everyone else to cut him some slack? Plus, normal weird signals, voodoo pulled pork, all of the air bubbles, and the importance of chit-chat.
An important message prompts additional resources to be uncovered for the Hephaestus Mission.
Sécurité. (noun) An international radio signal, used to convey messages concerning safety of navigation or important warning. Plus, sensitive information, sun tanning opportunities, surreal nightmares, bunny slippers, and the end of the known universe.
Mayday. (noun) An international radio distress signal, used to signify a state of emergency on board a craft. Plus, complete operational breakdown, better ways to fly, mathematical realities, an idle mind, and the big blue wrecking ball.
Pan-Pan. (noun) An international radio distress signal, used to signify a state of urgency on board a craft. Plus, very simple instructions, Space Yukon, adventures in grease monkeying, Disney table manners, and killing everything and everyone.
Part two of two. Faced with a new obstacle, the crew struggles to navigate all of Wolf 359’s sudden changes. Eiffel, Minkowski, and Hera desperately work to get the Hephaestus back on a stable orbit, while Hilbert and Lovelace face their own time-sensitive challenge. Plus, the point of no return, bad ideas, very good life-and-death emergency situations, maximum engine power, and the existential implications of our tiny, tiny place in the universe.
Part one of two. The Hephaestus is thrust into a maelstrom in the wake of Wolf 359's sudden, violent change. With the station infrastructure taking heavy damage and multiple systems failing, Eiffel, Minkowski, and Hera must scramble to find a way out of the storm. But as they struggle to content with the inexplicable phenomenon, the human members of the crew slowly realize that there may be another, even deadlier, force affecting them. Plus, inner logic consultants, messages in bottles, the polarity of ions, Duck Dodgers, and unprecedented deep space discoveries.
With Eiffel in critical condition, Minkowski, Hilbert, and Lovelace are forced to put their differences on hold. But with long-held fears and grudges reaching their breaking points, it's not long before the uneasy truce is teetering on the brink of open violence. Will the fragile alliance be able to work together long enough to get Eiffel through this outbreak? Plus, metamizole, useless suspicions, aggressive outside agents, decorum protocols, and the Care Bear Stare.
Forced to work together, Eiffel and Hilbert try to find some middle ground as they adjust the Hephaestus' systems. But with old grudges coming to a boil and Lovelace getting ever closer to her goals, will the volatile team be able to get the job done? Plus, shallow nonsense, the touchy-feelies, angry kitten face, Darth Virus, and floppy, hoppy bunnies.
Captain Lovelace goes forwards and backwards in time.
Now armed with a plan, the crew begins putting their elaborate deception in motion. While Eiffel keeps Captain Lovelace occupied, Hera and Minkowski start adjusting the station's equipment. But when their modifications cause a major system failure, will they be able to reverse the damage before Lovelace notices that something is amiss? Plus, the role of Igor, waffles in a solar flare, Team Desperate, a bigger boat, and all of western pop culture.
Ten days after the reappearance of Captain Lovelace, the crew works around the clock to get the various systems on her shuttle up and running. Tensions rise steadily as Eiffel, Minkowski, and Lovelace face technical difficulties, personal differences, and plummeting morale. But when a short circuit leaves them marooned outside the Hephaestus, they must race against the clock to repair the shuttle's malfunctioning life support system. Plus, Ford Pinto-class shuttle service, diabolical foxes in the machine, Herr Trigger Von Bombenstein, compound eyes, and raw animal magnetism.
From the Goddard Futuristics Archives, File #A7NB566. Communications Officer Log on Day 1 of the Hephaestus Project.
The crew is shocked by the sudden reappearance of Captain Lovelace. At first relieved to have another ally on board the Hephaestus, Eiffel, Minkowski, and Hera soon grow suspicious of the station's former commanding officer. Is the newcomer really who she claims, or is another devious scheme afoot? And when Minkowski realizes they might have a way to escape the Hephaestus, can she and Eiffel trust Captain Lovelace with their plan? Plus, Voight-Kampff kits, sucky-ass casas, Wonkavators, Barney sensors, and the Twilight Zone.
Following the Plant Monster's reappearance, Minkowski makes it her mission to eliminate the mutant stowaway once and for all. But when her quarry proves surprisingly difficult to corner, the Commander resorts to increasingly desperate and dangerous tactics. As the deadly game of cat and mouse intensifies and the lines between roles start to blur, Minkowski must decide on the best path to take to ensure the safety of her crew. Plus, Howard Beale breakdowns, escalating hostilities, Holy Hand Grenades, friendly conversations, and Heart of Darkness lighting.
Against Minkowski's better judgment, Eiffel decides to use Hilbert's mechanical skills to repair a faulty system in the station's optical network. Things seem to be going well, until Eiffel and Hilbert discover that one of their screwdrivers has vanished into thin air. With everyone's whereabouts and actions accounted for, the crew struggles to solve the enigma of the mysterious, disappearing screwdriver. Plus, a staggeringly vast number of evil plans, Machiavellian little schemes, ginormous boulders, powerful magnets, and Dr. Tech Support.
Tensions run high when the crew revisits the issue of how to handle Doctor Hilbert's continued presence on board the Hephaestus. With Eiffel, Minkowski, and Hera all bringing their own perspectives, fears, and agendas to the table, discussions soon grind to a halt. But when a member of the crew decides that drastic measures are called for, they may end up damaging the fragile bond that joins them together beyond repair. Plus, electric sheep, cruel and unusual tickling, the blinky red light of doom, Shatnerian fury, and Team "What's Wrong With Handcuffs?"
An unscheduled emergency air vent leaves Eiffel and Minkowski stranded in the station's hidden laboratory. Their attempts to escape from the concealed room are put on hold, however, when they discover a hidden cache of audio logs left behind by Captain Lovelace. Might these recordings hold the key to discovering what happened to the previous crew of the Hephaestus? Plus, flashing red lights, lifetimes of the Earth, things that go bump in our nightmares, rats in the wall, and the realm of the remotely possible.
After weeks in a state of emergency, Eiffel, Minkowski, and Hera are faced with an unexpected challenge: staving off boredom during an uneventful night on the Hephaestus. Desperate for any way to pass the time, the crew goes through games, contests, bets, jokes, minor intrigue, secret-telling, rare moments of sincerity, and even a bit of honest work. Plus, elementary grade English, paranoid old harpies, Giraffe 163, a failure to communicate, and Zibbeldy-Dibbeldy.
Still dealing with fallout from Hera's deactivation, the crew struggles to keep the rapidly deteriorating Hephaestus functional. Overwhelmed, sleep-deprived, and constantly faced with new mechanical problems, Eiffel and Minkowski can't escape the feeling that they are on the verge of a disastrous mistake. But when the Commander thinks up an unconventional, and possibly dangerous, solution, the exhausted pair must decide whether they are willing to take on yet another deadly risk. Plus, "check engine" lights, dizzy spells, Hitchcock antagonists, Dr. Iscariot, and a brain the size of a mack truck.
Still rattled by their recent discoveries, Eiffel and Minkowski try to force Hilbert to reveal what he knows about the Hephaestus's mysteries and the details of his secret mission. But will they find some way to get their prisoner to cooperate with them? Or will their formidable opponent succeed in breaking them apart before they break him? Plus, pet monkeys, bad cop territory, winning personalities, irrational needs, and hammer time.
Unsure of who or what to trust after the events at Christmas, Eiffel and Minkowski make contact with Mr. Cutter, their liaison to Goddard Futuristics and the mission's direct supervisor. But given Hilbert's actions, how wise is it to inform Command about their discovery of the mysterious deep space signal? And how much does Mr. Cutter already know about what is happening on the Hephaestus? Plus, long distance calls, exponential emergencies, showing and telling, extreme prejudice, and Hephaestus Mystery 340.
Part two of two. The repercussions of the crew's discovery and Dr. Hilbert's actions continue to disrupt the station's Christmas plans. Cut off from Minkowski and with limited time to act, Eiffel decides to take a risk. Plus, Smokey Bear Mode, Mr. Kettle, giant fireballs, laughing gas, and crazy plans.
Part one of two. It's Christmas Day on the Hephaestus. While Minkowski does her best to approximate a traditional holiday dinner, Eiffel decides he's going to try to smoke his last cigarette. Both plans are put on hold, however, when Dr. Hilbert stumbles upon a major discovery. Plus, impenetrable darkness, the blunt approach, sanitized pagan rituals, caller ID, and the last of the real turkey.
In a set of short stories, we get to see what the Hephaestus crew does when they are by themselves. Doctor Hilbert tells a joke and ponders a question. Hera plays a game. Eiffel takes a test. Minkowski sends a message. Plus, floating on a tin can, magic lamps, disappearing terrarriums, programming loopholes, and the HAL 9000 touch.
Eiffel decides that he wants to step up his game and play a more active role in documenting life on the Hephaestus. His newfound enthusiasm is soon tested when an unscheduled explosion puts a hole in one of the station’s walls and uncovers a mysterious, concealed laboratory on board the spacecraft. As the crew explores the hidden room and uncovers data on its previous occupants, Eiffel is forced to confront one of his fears. Plus, mobile reportage, Charlotte’s lab, the Creepus Maximus, slimy, hairy, and extremely high levels of toxicity.
As the Hephaestus begins a hazardous passage through an ion wind cluster, Eiffel is surprised to discover a message from the mission higher-ups waiting for him in the Communications Room. When the decoded message turns out to be a cryptic and unintelligible warning about something only identified as the “Empty Man”, the crew struggles to pick an appropriate course of action. What is Command trying to tell them? And who, or what, is the “Empty Man”? Plus, designation alpha, crazy wamajama, riders on the storm, flying blind, and going Big Bad Wolf on a straw house.
In accordance with protocol and the need to maintain crew morale, Minkowski insists on holding another of her infamous talent shows. Both Eiffel and Hilbert come up with schemes to weasel their way out of having to participate, but neither of their plans goes quite as expected. The resulting day is more dangerous, more mysterious, and more musical than either one of them could have ever expected. Plus, eye-less Russian dolls, biochemistry, unnamed megafauna specimen 58, classics of 19th century opera, and homemade ice cream.
Eiffel takes some time from his busy schedule to answer third graders' questions.
When Minkowski and Hera get into a fight, Eiffel decides to stay out of the way until the dust settles. But the station’s deadly mutant plant monster stowaway somehow gains control of Doctor Hilbert’s mind, and it soon becomes clear that the crew has an emergency on their hands. Can Eiffel and his dubious interpersonal relationship skills patch things up between the Commander and the operating system before something goes disastrously wrong? Plus, Olympic obstinacy, wire-tapping, the peril-o-meter, mustard, and Doug’s Swiss Ass.
The Hephaestus Mission reaches its 500th day since launch, and Eiffel is determined to make the most of the occasion. His celebration is cut short, however, when a power outage knocks out Hera and all of the station’s automated systems. The crew must find a way to get the station’s central processor back online, and Eiffel stumbles onto a new mystery in the process. Plus, homemade walkie-talkies, Hammer Horror, dance cards, Stephen King FM, and barreling towards certain death.
A mysterious illness strikes Eiffel, quickly leaving him out of commission and bedridden. It falls on Dr. Hilbert’s medical expertise to find some way to get the Communications Officer back to full health. But as the days go by, Eiffel begins to suspect that something more sinister is afoot and starts to question whether Hilbert is curing the disease or causing it. Plus, medicinal lozenges, morbilliform, the full Nick Riviera, swollen glands, and looking on the bright, sunshiny side.
Eiffel takes a quick trip to the exterior of the Hephaestus in pursuit of a cleaner reading of one of the mysterious space transmissions. Things seem to be going well – until an unexpected stellar flare leaves Eiffel stranded outside of the station. Will Commander Minkowski be willing to launch a dangerous rescue mission to save her communications officer? Plus, air guitar solos, dramatic irony, complimentary electroshock therapy, jetpacks, and the realm of the Alpha and the Omega.
The time arrives for another one of Dr. Hilbert’s infamous biannual physical and wellness checks, causing Eiffel and Minkowski to descend into a state of panic. With life and limb on the line, they each find creative ways to delay the inevitable: Eiffel through one of his patented mendacity-filled schemes, Minkowski through a very unusual discovery in the station’s greenhouse. Plus, manual resets, meditations on the effects of sticks and stones, anesthetics, the limits of anesthetics, and spinal fluid samples.
When Eiffel discovers that there’s only one tube of toothpaste remaining on board the Hephaestus, he realizes that a delicate situation is upon the crew. His solution? Steal the toothpaste, barricade the door to the comms room, and hope for the best. How far are Commander Minkowski and Doctor Hilbert willing to go to recover the vital hygiene product? Plus, subzero temperatures, unique negotiating tactics, hydrochloric acid, Winston Churchill misquoting, and Peter Sellers playing a Gameboy.
Our premiere episode. Officer Doug Eiffel, communications officer on board the U.S.S. Hephaestus Station, is willing to go to any lengths to procrastinate his work. Tasked with a pointless hunt for alien intelligence, Eiffel would much rather spend his time complaining about the station’s malfunctioning autopilot system and making sure his stash of contraband cigarettes doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. But when his instruments start picking up a mysterious radio signal from an unidentified source, Eiffel begins to wonder if someone - or something – could be trying to communicate with the Hephaestus. Plus, explosions, dangerous experiments, non-destructive hair driers, handy-dandy tips for surviving in outer space, and creative interpretations for the word coffee.