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Up Yours, Downstairs! A Downton Abbey Podcast — TV & Film
Up Yours, Downstairs! A Downton Abbey Podcast

The podcast that watched Downton Abbey so you didn’t have to is still going! Just like your favorite British period piece, but with more feelings and swears! Bask in the glory of Dame Maggie Smith as hilarious Anglophiles Kelly Anneken & Amy Schneider explore the class struggle, history, fashion, and the art of staring wistfully into the middle distance on Downton Abbey, The Crown, Mr. Selfridge, Peaky Blinders, every Titanic film ever made, Pride & Prejudice, and much more!

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Copyright: © Kelly Anneken & Amy Schneider 2021

Latest Episodes:

Three Buttons and a Bean Jan 04, 2021

*gong noise* Kelly and Amy are back with a little holiday cheer as they recap Kenneth Branagh's A Midwinter's Tale (or In the Bleak Midwinter to our UK Cousins), a 1995 black-and-white love letter to Shakespeare, the power of live theatre and Joan Collins. They discuss their obsession with Bravo's Below Deck Mediterranean, people making horrible choices, the casual homophobia of the mid-90s, FADGE, eating chili in England,Rita Repulsa, the Burning Man of the East, what the fox says, a church run by organized crime, Sporkle quizzes, a brief history of camp and the real-life inspiration for Hamlet.

Want more Amy in your life? Follow the Instagram for her new podcast @thesearejustcards for her take on tarot.

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Flimsy as a Floozy Sep 24, 2019

NEAME willing, Kelly & Amy are proud to present their last Downton Abbey recap ever. All your favorites are here for the movie: Fashion Backwards, Amy Repeats History and a litany of goofy-ass callbacks to episodes past. They worry that this movie might get nominated for a gd Oscar, speculate about Matthew Goode's reaction to being contractually obligated to appear in this enjoyable but ultimately pointless thing, learn about hot gay sex throughout history, rejoice that there's basically no plot for Bates, call Isobel an Isoballer, get weepy at Maggie Smith's final scene as the Dowager Countess and Thomas' trip to the gay bar, ponder the inevitable zombie-laden sequel and lambast Branson one last time for being such a traitor to the cause of Irish independence.

Finally, we can't thank you Cousins enough for your many, many years of loyal fandom. You've been with us through the good, the bad and the downright weird (Strumpet City, we're looking at you). There's not a Molesley among you, and we certainly hope you'll be along for whatever projects we cook up next. We won't be far away--you can find us on Twitter, where we often make humor jokes. Our handles are @kellyanneken & @TheCynicalBetch. See you on the internets!

LUNCHEON OUT (for reals, though)!

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The End..? Dec 10, 2018

Due to technical difficulties, Kelly & Amy wrap up their coverage of Victoria and make a stunning announcement!

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Baklava Syndrome Dec 03, 2018

Kelly & Amy talk a lot about Taco Bell in this recap of Victoria S2E3. They also chat Bane, Poortown Lite & Bohemian Rhapsody.

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Pagets All the Way Down Nov 26, 2018

Kelly & Amy overcome texts not going through to bring you the golden episode of Victoria, S2E2. They chat about Tilda Swinton, Dadbert and DODubs dividing up all the arts, the deliciousness of Ernst, poor baby Ada Lovelace, the rudeness of Shakespeare fans, Victorian Shake Weights, Lord M playing The Sims, marriage advice from Lord Byron, and the fact that Vicky doesn't understand metaphors

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You Smell Like the City Nov 19, 2018

Kell & Amy are back and they feel like Slurms Mackenzie! For their recap of Victoria S2E1, they get to sit at the baronet's table! They also go off on a trans tangent, instruct people to take care of the smegma in their own eyes, curse out Lionel Bart, suggest an unusual method of birth control, and encourage everyone to read more novels.

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I Do, Charloote, I Do! Oct 22, 2018

Gather round, wrigglepantses! It's the S1 finale of Victoria and Kelly & Amy are throwing up some nein signs. They discuss the vagaries of digital copyrights, apologize to to Alex Jennings, tell Vicky to stop watching makeup tutorials on YouTube, first-year marital strife, Lehzen's wet nurse requirements, Victorian maternity wear, terrible editorial choices, dueling rulings, and The Duchy Formerly known as Bone Town. Kelly thanks heaven for small mercies, Amy calls the plant police, and everyone agrees that Scarface is the worst.

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The Return of the Luncheon Oct 15, 2018

Kelly & Amy round the corner on S1E7 of Victoria. They're still not having it with 50 Shades of Chef, but otherwise enjoy this exploration of the Industrial Revolution. Kelly has a broom for a hand, Amy is somewhat boring and everyone's gotta find out what happened with Aquaman!

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What Would Gwen from Torchwood Do? Oct 08, 2018

Kelly & Amy realy have the gigles in this recap of Victoria S1E6. They also fire Daisy Goodwin, experience the joys of Cecilia Buggin, explain sentient couch insurance options, dig into morganatic marriages, reveal that you can be horny and a good person at the same time, diss extremely slow southern accents, praise Wellington for living his best life, and eventually remember the name of the band Death Cab for Cutie. Kelly doesn't like to make a false idol of herself to herself, Amy fulfills her dream of being a punchline, and everyone's future selves have a lot to do.

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New Coin, New Handkerchief Oct 01, 2018

Kelly & Amy speak truth to Medium and call Louisa May Alcott out for her lies in their recap of Victoria S1E5. They also make fun of Kentucky and California, hail Coburg: home of the sinister laugh, take applications for ladle bitches, and smack talk parents. Kelly makes a sweet burn on the privy council, Amy imagines herself as a cokehead, and everyone wants Vicky's creative team to get it together!

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DashCam Sep 24, 2018

We open at the milk bar as Kelly and Amy recap Victoria S1E4 and really get to know the "enthralling but prickly" Albert. The also delve into the upside of the opiod epidemic, declare England to be the Kentucky of Europe, wonder where servants sign up to get in on the scamming, suggest that Alex Jones should change his name, shame Vicky's fat-shaming, cheer the invention of philately, reminisce about horrifying Sesame Street movies, defend the Windsor uniform, and geek out about the Downton Abbey movie. Kelly has a Dench obsession, Amy has lady-in-waiting blindness, and everyone agrees it could be worse.

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A Hard Cake Is Good To Find Sep 17, 2018

Kelly & Amy encounter a real Michigan J. Frog situation in their recap of Victoria S1E3. They also hate on suburban Connecticut and Coburg, speculate about bonnets, decide Vicky's mom is a vampire, discuss the challenges of shaking a stalker who is also the queen, wonder why Sir John speaks in an evil accent 100% of the time, and finally meet Prince Albert! Thanks as always for listening--there's more UYDS goodness over at Patreon!

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Summa Cum Rat Sep 10, 2018

Kelly & Amy are back at it with a recap of Victoria S1E2. Vicky's mom does not have it going on, Victorian necklines are terrible, the House of Lords is just a lower key version of Mrs. Patmore yelling, the portrait of Jenna Coleman doesn't look like Jenna Coleman, various people are rude on nuns, no one can make a cake without grifting, there's an eternal flame at Buckingham Palace, King Lear is an idiot and Rufus Sewell continues attractive. Kelly says college is a trap, Amy is a Gemini betch, and everybody imagines a world where Vicky has access to emojis. As always, thanks for listening, and don't forget to check out our Patreon for Whalecast and other bonus content!

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Let's Just Go To Burger King Sep 03, 2018

Rejoice! GLORIANA! Kelly & Amy make their triumphant return to podcasting with this recap of Victoria S1E1. Unfortunately, Amy's computer crashed while she was editing this episode, banishing them to the land of wind and ghosts, so we don't have our usual hilarious show notes. The episode itself survived, so please to enjoy it, because Amy also lost all her progress on Tomb Raider so she is very sad. We'll be posting new episodes weekly, and keep an eye on our Patreon for Whalecast and other bonus content! Hooray, we're doing stuff again! Rejoice! GLORIANA.

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Koala Chlamydia Jun 12, 2018

The gaffes have it as Kelly & Amy return to explain why everyone looks like that on The Crown and Call the Midwife. They chat about how trans people are everywhere, Lucille Ball's natural hair color, purported bisexual James Dean, makeups, mainstreaming science fiction, the politics of African American hair, Rose's character on Downton Abbey, miniskirt Oxfordians, Jack Skellington things, the Peacock revolution, Anglican religious orders, and mantyhose. Kelly explains why she shaves off 30% of her hair, Amy wants a makeover, and it's good that we all have fun.

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Oprah: The Highlander of Everything May 28, 2018

Kelly & Amy are finally back from their break with Part 1 of the long-awaited Fashion Backwards/Amy Repeats History episode for The Crown S2 and all of Call the Midwife! Their research is as shallow and unreliable as ever as they discuss how fun it is to say Givenchy when talking about Meghan Markle's wedding dress, which fictional Roz Elton John is most like, shipping Nassoon, getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Billy Graham watching the Watchmen, Giant Winston Churchill's closest lady friend, the return of Biarritz, and The Crown's inaccurate approach to history. Kelly forgot about men, Amy doesn't show her midriff, and everyone plans to marry Claire Foy.

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Just As Vicar-y As You Please Apr 09, 2018

It's a special #sorrynotsorry binge-recap of Call the Midwife S6, featuring episodes 4-8! First, Kelly & Amy catch each other up on Top Chef, The Crown casting news, Kids' Baking Championship, and The Alienist. Then they get down to business, outing Patsy as not a Good Lesbian, declaring that time doesn't exist in Poplar, bemoaning the dying art of houndstooth, grappling with the weirdness of the Nobel Prize, imitating Sister Monica Joan, speculating on the market value of a fresh baby, and marveling at two people who make their livings pulling gross things out of people. Kelly wants a celebrity billionaire to fix her hip, Amy considers wearing more headbands, and everyone continues to not be famous.

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TOAD?! Mar 20, 2018

Kelly & Amy are looking for lesbians in their discussion of Call the Midwife S6, Episodes 1-3, the show where everyone's pregnant until proven otherwise! They also get into pregnancy tongue twisters, diss medical residents, briefly welcome back Agnes Towler and narrative economy, and get in on Sister Monica Joan's television scam. Kelly still misses Nell Carter, Amy doesn't laugh when Kelly cries for once, and everybody hates Sister Ursula even though they love Harriett Walter.

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The Father, Cake & the Holy Spirit Mar 12, 2018

Kelly conveys her deep dislike of Call the Midwife's S6 Christmas Special to Amy and they flit through a discussion of the once & future Santa of Poplar, a confusing take on apartheid, Sister Nobody's gingerhood, sick burns on Nurse Boring, and cranky old white dudes realizing that people use water for things. Kelly cannot pronounce El Alamein, Amy could be a real cheerful jerk, and SOMEBODY still hasn't read the Phantom Tollbooth (it is AMY).

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Hold My Wooden Penis Mar 05, 2018

Kelly cries a whole bunch as she describes Call the Midwife S5 Episodes 6, 7 & 8 to Amy. She weaves a tale of surrogate screamers, Nonnatus House Yelp reviews, great bangs, the importance of wearing shorts, Bryllcreem, barge people, and unresolved mystery apples. Kelly has a lot of criticisms of Words with Friends, Amy's a walking Magna Carta, and sometimes new-timey people didn't know stuff!

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Brodie's Set, Episode 1 Feb 17, 2018

Kelly dives into Muriel Spark's excellent novel The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, the inspiration for the film of the same name. She figures out that Sandy is probably a Scorpio, assigns each girl in Brodie's set one of the Seven Deadly Sins, complains about Camelot, and gets excited about the rest of the book.

If you can't get enough of Brodie's Set, catch new episodes weekly(ish) at https://www.patreon.com/upyoursdownstairs and enjoy our other Patreon exclusives like Whalecast, We Are Not Amused, and our 5 Maggie Smiths coverage!

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5 Maggie Smiths Freebie: The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie Feb 06, 2018

Kelly & Amy lead with Gaunt in this free preview of their 5 Maggie Smiths coverage! Get over to Patreon to pledge $1 or more for access to exclusive content, including Whalecast, We Are Not Amused & upcoming 5 Maggie Smiths recaps of Hook, The VIPS, Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire & Sister Act!

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Sex Is Wasted On the Rich Jan 22, 2018

Kelly & Amy finish their coverage of The Crown S2E10 because, luckily, one of them was not snatched away by a passing pterodactyl. They offer a course in Remedial Pimping & Adultery 101, agree that cruelty is ground zero for comedy, speculate about Liz's word of the day calendar, tell Margaret to keep her rumors to herself, celebrate the beginning of funny jokes in Great Britain, and hail the royal hooha doctor. Kelly can't pronounce "cuckolded," Amy plans to take a nap, and everyone hopes Peter Morgan gets it together in S3.

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Daddy Don't Agree Jan 22, 2018

Kelly & Amy struggle through their recap of the excellent but very painful The Crown S2E9. They discuss the foosball loophole, Eton's absurdly ugly uniforms, sweaters v. jumpers, little known facts about the Magna Carta and Peter Pan, whether Dr. Hahn and his weird mute secretary are vampires, chide Stephen Daldry for his timeline fuckery, rank the terrible parents on the show, and declare Greg Wise to be the cowbell of The Crown. Kelly transcribes 'em as she sees 'em, Amy has secret pizza parties with the Wachowski sisters, and everyone's grasp on basic Downton facts is really slipping.

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Fetch Me My Floozies! Jan 16, 2018

In their recap of The Crown S2E8, Kelly & Amy chat about pants made of butts, laugh at moms who can't do anything right, log a Porchie sighting, wonder if Jackie Kennedy can properly inseminate a horse, imagine Liz's unlikely chain of animal enforcers, and are delighted by an apparent foxtrot! Kelly offers a glimpse into the madness behind her editing process, Amy tells a cool story about her Commodore 64, and everyone hates Michael C. Hall as JFK so much.

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Human Relationships Are Terrible, CREDITS! Jan 15, 2018

Kelly & Amy open up an infinity mirror of gender in their recap of The Crown S2E7. They chat about turkeys in Oakland, little known facts about the Warsaw Pact, what it takes to make a Ryan Murphy, the actual worst parent on a show filled with them, childhood train trauma, the first and only "Lilibet" of the season, the royal swarm, and Replacement Mike. Kelly misquotes rap lyrics, Amy doesn't want Oprah to run for President, and everyone agrees we could have done without Phil & Liz's weird barmaid role play.

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Codename: Peaches Jan 10, 2018

Bobbety Watch 2018 is over in Kelly & Amy's recap of The Crown S2E6! They cover the Patricia of forests, wonder what Tinky Winky is up to, mock the DODubs for thinking "jobs" are the same as "pointless makeworks that don't require any skills, encourage everyone to not protect Nazis, speculate about Liz's conversations with God, side with Phil for a change, and sing a silly song about Hitler. Kelly subverts the chain of command, Amy plays Diplomacy a lot, and everyone boos the brief return of Giant Winston Churchill

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The Punchening Jan 09, 2018

Semantic humor abounds in Kelly & Amy's recap of The Crown S2E5 as they discuss Tommy LaMoustache's dogs who look just like him, ITV versus Netflix, Dudey McRapeface, stubble in training, the racism inherent to Looney Tunes, a semi-gay sexual orientation, Liz's ourobouros of the face, whether Patricia is an actual person, and the 1950s version of yoga pants. Kelly is worried that someone she cares about is a mean YouTube troll, Amy has 1.5 friend, and no one knows if the UK has nickels.

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Family Meeting: So This Is Why People Like Violence Jan 08, 2018

Kelly & Amy agree that Peaky Blinders is a funny name for a show as they wrap up their S4 coverage. They wonder about Comrade Baby's upbringing, decide that Tom Hardy dissed Adrian Brody (not to his face), declare Abalama Ding Dong to be their best nickname ever, demand a band called Jack Dawson & the Titanics, congratulate Linda on coming a long way, baby, and marvel at Cillian's brass balls. Kelly doesn't get the point of boxing, Amy has never blinded anyone, and everyone completes their stated goal of pointing out that Adrien Brody assaulted Halle Berry in every single episode!

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Family Meeting:The World is my Bloomin' Onion Jan 07, 2018

Someday Kelly & Amy will record an episode that doesn't reference Newsies, but that day is not today. In their recap of Peaky Blinders S4E5, they try to figure out who wasn't embarrassd by WWI, debate whether GRAAAACE or Sam Neil would make a better zombie, get nostalgic for Danny Whizz Bang & conrade Baby, beg for a line of Lady Blinders' coats, hope that Steve!Knight sometimes gets drunk and listens to the podcast, and remember that this whole series is a trick. Kelly shares her list of replacement Adrien Brodys, Amy's not cut out to be a salesperson, and everyone still refuses to watch Taboo.

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The Bed of Marital Discord Jan 04, 2018

Things are starting to not suck in this recap of The Crown S2E4 (in spite of its on-the-nose music cues). Kelly & Amy dig into Vanessa Kirby's powerhouse performance as Princess Margaret aka the Heisenberg of the monarchy, say hello to the original party satellite, tell Phil to keep his banana out of the produce aisle, suggest that Mrs. Mac use a pay phone to trash talk the PM, bemoan the decline of meeting people on buses, and admire Matthew Goode's tidy little hips. Kelly cries a lot, Amy offers a solution for the two-screen problem, and everyone likes Ike.

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Organic Self-Care Horn Jan 03, 2018

Kelly & Amy introduce a 3-point system for fixing men in this recap of The Crown S2E3. They also decide that medical marijuana won't help A & E, the only marital aids available in the 50s were beards and crude wooden devices, Eileen is winning her divorce a la Angelina Jolie, Thursday is not even a good day of the week, and Mike wins the award for "most missed beard." Kelly loves watching men shave, Amy is too tired for her new comforter, and everyone has great ideas they're never going to execute on.

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Family Meeting: Where's My Boogie Rock? Jan 03, 2018

Kelly & Amy celebrate the Summer of Menzies in December with their recap of Peaky Blinders S4E4. They cheer the return of the Peaky pimp walk, wonder why everyone's raggin' on Linda's mom, invoke the Halle Berry mafia, unexpectedly compliment Aiden Gillen, decide babies need beer, and beg Steve!Knight for fewer monologues and more Horse Bitch. Kelly makes a pie crust promise, Amy's busy violating the natural order, and everyone has drankened a lot of water.

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Family Meeting: Too Bougie for Bham Jan 02, 2018

Kelly & Amy learn that some girls are more important than others in their recap of Peaky Blinders S4E3. They discuss Selective Grace Syndrome, the Luncheon Kingdom, try to figure out when Pol got her hair cut, lobby for the dissolution of Future Arsonists of America, diagnose Adrien Brody with lockjaw, decry Cillian's stupid pocket of convenient retconning, and declare Lizzie too good for the Shelbys. All this, plus Kelly finally learns what a Nintendo Switch is, Amy compares Peaky Blinders to Murder, She Wrote, and everyone has fun always carrying a light sweater.

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Haberdashery Nonsense Dec 31, 2017

Kelly & Amy dive into Episodes 4 & 5 of Call the Midwife S5. They visit Paint Town, decide no one lives on the Isle of Man, and conclude that birthing is all about positive reinforcement. Kelly gets so worried about Paddington, Amy discovers a gift worse than socks, and everyone agrees this show is kind of a Dickens novel.

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Family Meeting: Changretta Vendetta Dec 31, 2017

Kelly & Amy recap Peaky Blinders S4E2. Full description coming soon!

NOTE: We had a lot of technical issues on this episode, which was recorded remotely. We've fixed as much as we can, but you may notice some weird noise or gaps in plot. Our apologies and thanks for your patience.

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Never Trust a Jeremy Dec 31, 2017

Kelly & Amy recap S5 Episodes 2 & 3 of Call the Midwife, and what a special guest they have in Mr. Mason! They also chat about Rosie the Riveter (for breastfeeding), dock sickness, a possible Victorian term for "chamber pot," the CTM Maris, and the show's inexhaustible fake suspense box. Kelly reveals that consciousness is a scourge, Amy doesn't own any boring dresses, and everyone agrees that Sweeney Todd makes a lot of sense in 2017.

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Family Meeting: Indie-Go-Gun Dec 21, 2017

Kelly & Amy do their best for a change as they recap the very welcome return of Peaky Blinders! They also cope with Post Traumatic Downton Syndrome, discuss dark prayers, violate copyright law, celebrate two Christmases, ponder Britain's many accents relative to its modest size, laugh at Tommy Shelby's jokes, discover a new Charlie Murphy, and visit Arthur and Linda's farm of peaceful retirement. Kelly loves dangerous sociopaths, Amy loves dot matrix printers, and Billy Eichner is sadly no longer listening to UYDS.

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DUMP. HIM. Dec 18, 2017

Kelly & Amy spot the first corgis of the season in their recap of The Crown S2E2. Things are looking bad for HRH the Duke of Edinburgh in an episode that boasts a lack of attorney-client privilege, activation of the Mountbatten family history subplot, Emma Thompson getting Greg Wise promoted to series regular, a reporter by way of Degrassi, and an infinity mirror of puns. Kelly misses a crucial butt-smacking, Amy identifies the symbolic line, and everyone hates Beardy Phil and all his empty promises.

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Eileen (Spoiler Alert) Is Not Going to Come On Dec 11, 2017

Kelly, Amy & all your favorite royals are back with recaps of S2 of Peter Morgan's The Crown! They compare Hollywood royals versus the real thing, break it to Mike's daughter that he loves her less than hookers, reveal something surprising about Horatio Hornblower, beg Liz not to read Phil's emails, discuss the logistics of getting rid of a ghost ballerina, enjoy a Mountbatten-style performance of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, and identify the 3 people who can read Liz's guernal. Kelly lays down the rules for birthday party gifting, Amy remembers the horse party, and everyone agrees that Kelly & Amy invented the mustache bit.

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The Lump of Coal in Poplar's Stocking Dec 04, 2017

By order of their Patreon supporters, Kelly & Amy switch up the format with "Tell the Midwife:" Kelly sobs her way through Call the Midwife and then tells Amy what happened. In this episode, they cover Season 5's first two-part Christmas special and Episode 1. Get ready to party with Nurse Cranky, Nurse Boring, and Sister Nobody, reset the counter for fatal accidents at the custard factory, clothe babies in costers, pit capitalism against vows of poverty, and root for the return of Chummy!

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We Are Not Amused Preview Nov 27, 2017

Kelly finally makes good on her promise to dissect The Royal We by The Fug Girls, Jessica Morgan and Heather Cocks, a book that has everything--words, foreshadowing & romance, even! This is a whole chilled out thing, and you can listen to this one for freesies as Kelly Googles where Megan Markle is from in real time! Get over to Patreon to hear the rest, people! https://www.patreon.com/upyoursdownstairs

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Chance-anada Nov 24, 2017

Kelly & Amy finally make good on their promise of a Regency-era standalone episode to pair with their 1995 Pride & Prejudice recaps (available on Patreon)! In their usual hastily researched fashion, they discuss rickety Game of Thrones magic, the history of Latin American independence, bathroom stuff, Britain's stylish but otherwise reprehensible George IV, bundling, body lice, the invention of podcasts, the correct pronunciation of Fitzherbert, and more capes than is strictly necessary. Kelly finally learns why it's called the Regency period, Amy imitates Karina Longworth, and everyone has stars and garters!

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Pronounciation Anxiety Nov 13, 2017

Kelly & Amy are back with irritated sniping and an unexpected recap of the very upsetting 2001 HBO movie Conspiracy. Get ready for Rogue One spoilers, Millenial blindness, a new UYDS motto, Bugs Bunny's directorial debut, laws like ice cream, two anti-Semitic Martin Luthers, Instagram Farben, Peak Colin Firth, the importance of choosing a non-evil job, and the return of the Whore Institute! All this, plus Kelly hates Napoleonic twaddle, Amy won't read the spreadsheet, and everybody wonders if this movie should have even been made.

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Salsa Shark Sep 04, 2017

Kelly & Amy risk heat stroke to bring you this recap of Wolf Hall S1E6, Master of Phantoms. They get wistful for the Whore Institute, complain about Game of Thrones, feel grateful that lawful divorce no longer needs to require murder, criticize Anne's beheading getup, whine about the lack of cutlery, assert that not every problem can be solved by swearing on the Bible, and advocate for their burial in the Westminster Abbey Podcaster's Corner. Kelly doesn't like the word fingering, Amy still wants to know what happened to Sokka, and no one should get their hopes up, UYDS-wise.

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Fully Crow, Fully Chicken Sep 04, 2017

Kelly & Amy implore you to never shake a wolf in their recap of Wolf Hall S1E5, Crows. They also remind everyone that the rift is in Cardiff, Gardiner is still ugly, girls' crossbows have ribbons on them, Jane Seymour is a super genius, and it's always time for modesty. Kelly wishes they were playing Duck Hunt, Amy takes remedial smelling classes, and the entire podcast is sponsored by num-nums!

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Typically Dumb: A Tale of the Rich Aug 01, 2017

Kelly & Amy quote a lot of other tv shows in their recap of Wolf Hall, S1E4. They also coin a term to describe a group of Boleyns, tell everyone to stop doing cocaine, appreciate punctuation humor, wonder if dick tapestries were a thing, talk smack about Bran on Game of Thrones, and declare this possibly the best episode of Wolf Hall (although there are still two more to go). Kelly talks about a weird dream she had, Amy hates asparagus, and everyone loves a good Family Matters reference.

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Do Cromwells Dream of Electric Sheep? Jul 17, 2017

Condragulations are in order as Kelly & Amy recap Wolf Hall S1E3! Strap on your trigger warnings as they cast "My Fair Lady 2: The Sexting," popesplain, introduce the Bible-52s, talk smack about Henry and Anne's wedding, and laugh at Thomas More. Kelly's been an asshole since birth, Amy is wearing cute sandals, and no one understands what Jane Seymour's deal is.

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A Beverage From Ocean Spray Jul 11, 2017

Kelly & Tom celebrate the Willennium in their recap of Wolf Hall, S1E2. They ID the Sam and Diane of Austin Friars, ask some witch friends about stuff, submit a show to the fringe festival, talk about Pride weekend two weeks late, figure out how you get myxamatosis, and head to the patent office. Kelly tells a cool story, Tom reminisces about Air Jordans, and everyone agrees kinging is heck of a gig.

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Call Me Clarky Jul 04, 2017

Kelly & Tom return from Patreon to bring you coverage of the first episode of Wolf Hall! They struggle to remember lines from Labyrinth, the name of England, the plot of Barry Lyndon, and the Merlin of America. Kelly chooses Rafe, Tom wins a Booker Prize, and everybody hopes you forget that we were supposed to be covering Call The Midwife instead.

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Colin Firth Plus Water Equals Profit! May 08, 2017

Kelly & Tom finally take the plunge into their long-awaited Patreon sponsored coverage of Pride & Prejudice! They agree that Jane looks like a giraffe, speculate about Caroline Bingley's fake geek girl activity, declare Mr. Collins a social disease, criticize CBS, and learn some very weird stuff about rat urine. Kelly's going back to therapy, Tom is like Mr. Darcy, and everyone explains the premium-cable hierarchy of social events in Regency England.

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Red All Over Teaser Apr 09, 2017

Special preview! Fake news, oppressive patriarchy, and an overall impending sense of doom: Join “Aunt” Kelly Anneken and Molly “Ofmitchell” Sanchez as we discuss this and more in Red All Over, a podcast based on The Handmaid’s Tale and weirdly not on current events.

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Mailbag Fun Dust-Up Apr 03, 2017

Kelly and Tom belatedly return with the promised Mailbag Fun Dust-Up! Thanks to all the cousins who sent in telegrams, this (literally) wouldn’t be possible without you!

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The Corgi Ennoblement Act of 1763 Mar 13, 2017

Kelly & Tom are on their own for their recap of The Crown S1E10, having been stood up by not one but two separate gingers. They discuss their forthcoming Mailbag Fun Dustup, the newest Patreon goal, the Cave of Wonders tiger with the pierced ear in Aladdin, the cure for Ryan Murphy, TLM’s need to constantly butt in, their preference for Martin Charteris over Michael Adeane, diabolical sex beasts, and whether or not Tom looks like Porchey. Kelly says old people shouldn’t vote, Tom is the dictator of Schneiderstan, and everyone would love to have Verne Troyer on the podcast.

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The Adventures of Time-Traveling Temple Grandin Mar 06, 2017

Kelly & Tom recap S1E9 of The Crown, which is Kelly’s favorite episode! They encourage people to give up on their dreams, feel bad for Toby Jones, talk about rickety horse ankles and horse therapy, identify the partying-est king ever, create about three different spinoff series, get annoyed by gay Lefou, and have fish and chips because it’s Lent. Kelly is glad Phillip Seymour Hoffman is dead, Tom doesn’t know anything about Godot, and everyone’s research is woefully incompetent.

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Bring Back Mamie Bangs Feb 26, 2017

Kelly & Tom are joined by Kelly’s internet love, illustrator & cartoonist Levi Hastings, for their recap of The Crown S1E8. The hosts are really coming around on the show, and they appreciate the character development of the Queen Mum, wish that everyone could impulse buy a castle when they are sad, take the controversial position that patriarchy is no fun, love the comedy stylings of Princess Margaret, get excited about Liz’s gay fashion designer, and suffer from Nazi fatigue. Kelly finally gets around to doing a Fashion Backwards, Tom thinks Justin Trudeau is too good for him, and Levi reminds us that one cannot do self care without a self to care for.

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HRH Spocktopus Feb 20, 2017

Kelly & Tom welcome back guest Allison Mick for their recap of The Crown S1E7. They patronize 1-800-AMERICA, clash in the eternal pugs v. Corgis matchup, say lots of things like they’re from Boston, wish Winston Churchill was dead (on the show), rate Pringles mustaches, try to make raven-poking seem family friendly, compare Heath Ledger to Pootie Tang, and pitch a Liz/Tweedy Hogg spinoff. Kelly still doesn’t have her shit together, Tom says the Chicago Tribune drools, and Allison thinks forest bathing solves everything.

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All The Harpies Were In A Kick Line Feb 13, 2017

Kelly & Tom are back on their own with this recap of The Crown S1E6. They like the episode, but cannot help asking “Why is show?” Scooby-Doo ghostwrites part of UYDS, Princess Margaret has 99 problems, a piece of fluff outweighs Joseph Stalin, the horrifying origins of the Rhodes scholarship is revealed, Wallis Simpson continues to have few lines, white supremacists are alienated, and Prince Philip doesn’t realize he’s beaten the game. Kelly doesn’t get much out of The Anarchist’s Cookbook, Tom explains what stress is, and everyone agrees Season 5 of The Wire isn’t worth watching.

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King Fred Durst Feb 06, 2017

Kelly & Tom are joined by The History Chicks co-host Beckett Graham for their recap of The Crown S1E5. They wax frustrated about their feelings on the DO Dubs, replace King Lane Pryce’s face with Colin Firth’s, note Liz’s lifelong taste in cardigans, discuss the relative tackiness of crowns fictional and factual, participate in some pantomimery, bristle at Mountbatten’s period appropriate homophobia,and wonder if Peter Morgan is playing a deeper game. Kelly has difficulty pronouncing everything, Tom devises a nickname for fans of The Royal We, and Beckett is absolutely here for all things royal.

NOTE: I did a very poor job of recording Beckett’s audio. I did my best to fix it in post-production, but I apologize, to Beckett in particular, for the low-quality audio, and I would like to make it clear that this was 100% my fault, and nobody else’s. -Tom

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Some Of Plenty Of Things Is Good Jan 30, 2017

For their recap of The Crown, S1E4, Tom and Kelly welcome Failure to Launch co-host and noted critic of The Crown Molly Sanchez! Together, they cough-shame London, pitch an adaptation of Devil in the White City, discuss Sky Law, wonder about the Buffalo Bill of sheep, agree that humanity sucks apart from inventing Hot Cheetos with Lime and strawberry sour belts, spot a cameo from Jimmy Carter, and call the wind Donora. Kelly has a rare butt deficiency, Tom reminds us that women can be writers, and Molly’s tweets don’t get the respect they deserve.

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Double Rizzo Jan 23, 2017

A very hungry Kelly & Tom welcome back guest Natasha Muse for their recap of The Crown S1E3, and they spend a lot of time complaining about how their pizza didn’t get delivered. They also come up with a hit pop single, describe the Kato Kaelin of England, go to the BroB/Gyn, CGI a mustache, break the fourth wall a bunch of times, try to get to the bottom of Prince Albert in a can, discuss the transitive axiom in RE Winston Churchill, and enjoy some secondhand Malkovich. Kelly stops trying to turn the podcast into therapy, Tom explains how to get rid of awkward silences, and Natasha buys a person.

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The King’s Sassy Address To Parliament Jan 16, 2017

In their recap of The Crown S1E2, Kelly & Tom cover all three dimensions. They discuss the water of sexual harassment, Britain’s difficulty with filming its colonial history, interchangeable feet, gypsy curses, and a genuinely heartbreaking moment. Kelly nearly does a spit take, Tom writes a new Cole Porter song, and everyone agrees that Victoria is a dumb name.

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Take a Hit, Sugar Cookie Jan 10, 2017

Kelly & Tom welcome Red Scott of Boars, Gore & Swords for their first recap of the Netflix Original The Crown. They are relieved to report it is an actual show (unlike late period Selfridge) and delighted as they witness the toff version of a company offsite, explain what Gogglebox is, rate the many portrayals of Churchill, and take advantage of numerous opportunities to impersonate Kif from Futurama. All this, plus the return of Fashion Backwards and Tom Repeats History as Kelly extols the virtues of “Fum Fum Fum,” Tom points out that vaping wasn’t an option in the 1950s, and Red finally gets to talk about camera equipment.

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The Palm Court: The Godsomething Dec 26, 2016

Kelly & Tom dip into their bottomless well of floozy jokes for their recap of the final episode of Mr. Selfridge. They speculate on the George Towler/baby intelligence continuum, wish Lady Mae would join a sort of Parisian First Wives’ Club, chat about Trading Spaces, continue whining about the absence of Beatrice, declare Mr. Selfridge the Jimmy Fallon of retail magnates, don’t recognize Meryl, and come up with a Selfridge Babies spin-off. Kelly loves casseroles, Tom wishes the IRA still did fun stuff, and everyone laments the dear, departed tea emporium.

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The Palm Court: Seven Brides For Seven Selfridges Dec 19, 2016

Kelly and Tom soldier bravely on through their recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E9. They are pretty sure time is still a flat circle, George Towler is still a super genius, Alan Greenspan gets name-checked, Mr. Grove is cross from beyond the grave, and Eyebrows has a brand-new bag. Kelly can’t remember the name of the book Mr. Selfridge is based on, Tom discovers Circopedia.com, and everyone continues to make fun of Jeremy Piven’s mercury poisoning.

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The Palm Court: One Department, One Man! Dec 11, 2016

In this recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E8, Kelly and Tom really lay into Eyeliner for pretending to solve racism. They finally bid Mr. Grove a not particularly fond farewell, wonder why New New Gordon’s kids are wearing dresses, applaud Mr. Crabb’s business reasons, and continue to marvel at Jimmy Dillon’s swank apartment from the 1980s. Kelly correctly identifies morphine, Tom explains how to win a Newbery medal, and everyone gathers for drinks at the Nepotists’ Lounge.

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The Palm Court: Queen Blanket-For-A-Face Dec 05, 2016

Kelly & Tom shout a list of the most British things they know in this recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E7. They also shout NO at Lady Mae and Kitty a bunch of times, encourage Mr. Selfridge to finally hire a lawyer, talk smack about Spinner from Degrassi, and briefly experience actual feelings. Kelly invents Floozies Anonymous, Tom makes a reservation for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and everyone wonders how this series can keep getting worse.

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The Palm Court: Goons Are People Too Nov 28, 2016

Kelly & Tom shout a collective “WTF” in this recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E6. They marvel at the Picture of Dorian’s Uncle, wonder how much actual time has passed this season, question Fraser’s fitness as butler, gloat as Mr. Selfridge finally has to pay his bill, and nominate a much better head of security than George Towler. Kelly lets loose her opinions on Gilmore Girls, Tom explains how Europe works, and the drop waist continues its tyranny.

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The Palm Court: Stop Confusing Our Baby! Nov 21, 2016

Kelly & Tom record their recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E5 live from a Burger King! Not really, but what an idea! They continue to not do their research as Bumby Wallace makes his stunning, fictional debut, Harry continues to not pay his bills, the shambling corpse of Grardle lurches on, Meryl continues to not be able to act in either a literal or meta sense, there is a severe lack of Tillie AND Beatrice, and George Towler: Medical Experiment continues unabated. Kelly name-checks Tuck Everlasting, Tom compliments a damn fine egg, and everyone agrees there must always be a Winslow in Chicago.

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The Palm Court: First Rule of Rumpelstiltskin Nov 13, 2016

Kelly & Tom choose to be…a Ritz in this recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E4. They confirm that they are not watching Game of Thrones, have numerous criticisms of AA Milne and Christopher Robin, criticize Mustache’s life choices, wish for a Mardle/Kitty spin-off, and talk even more smack about floozies. Kelly reveals her favorite phone number, Tom reveals that Bob is his uncle, and everyone looks forward to the publication of “Crabbe makes a call.”

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The Palm Court: Automatic Bzooty, Chapter 1, Verse 5 Nov 07, 2016

Kelly and Tom establish a trust with Mr. Selfridge S4E3, because they like to gamble like rich people. They also breathe a sigh of relief about Kitty’s childbearing prospects, hate Meryl AND Mr. Grove, confuse Violette for Rosalie, continue to question why Mr. Selfridge is drinking so much, marvel at Elizabeth Arden’s messy suite, wonder if Chekhov’s Philandering Pilot will ever show up, and everyone tries to name all the gingers on the show.

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The Palm Court: Nothing Worse Than a Tardy Floozy Oct 31, 2016

Kelly and Tom realize that S4E2 of Mr. Selfridge is as far as they watched, so it’s all new to them from here on out. They feel that the credits music is getting more and more inappropriate each week, clock two named black characters in the episode (good job, Eyeliner; your move, Baron Julian), lament the loss of the tea emporium alongside Mr. Crabbe, look disapprovingly at the Artful Porter’s development, and say goodbye to a mostly beloved character as Harry goes on and on and on…

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The Palm Court: I’m Glad We’re Living In the Crap Age Oct 24, 2016

Kelly and Tom return at last with their very belated coverage of Mr. Selfridge S4E1! They struggle to remember why they hated this season so very much, herald the return of Lady Mae, welcome two brand new floozies and a very ugly mug, lament the continued absence of Miss Towler and Monsieur LeClair, plan to see Harry “next fall,”and everyone demands to know when we can expect Our Dark Mistress Beatrice to finally darken the doors of Selfridge’s once more in accordance with the prophecy.

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Family Meeting: That’s One Gay Ghost Jul 18, 2016

Kelly & Tom completely geek out over the S3 finale of Peaky Blinders–so much so they have to totally wing the final scene. They cross their fingers for the return of Horse Bitch in S4, declare Tatiana the winner of Peaky Blinders, note that all the guys got new hats, and marvel yet again at Tom Hardy’s awesomeness.

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Family Meeting: Bowie Take The Wheel Jul 11, 2016

Kelly and Tom recap the penultimate episode of Peaky Blinders S3 and hope for a happy ending for Pol, wonder if it’s too soon for Bowie’s Lazarus (it’s never too soon), reflect on the awesomeness of Russian lingerie, celebrate the return of Alfie Solomons, and demand a BAFTA for Paul Anderson.

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Family Meeting: We Call It “Death Spin” Jun 26, 2016

Kelly & Tom thoroughly enjoy recapping S3E4 of Peaky Blinders (the Entourage or Walking Dead of the UK, depending on who you’re talking to), one of the show’s best hours. They discuss the highly upsetting 1953 film Lili, the Shelby women finally getting their cool af day in the sun, Kelly’s awareness of Latin, Tom’s remembrance of a Dunkin’ Donuts campaign, and mashing up Peaky Blinders with It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

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Family Meeting: Donations Immediately Plummeted Jun 20, 2016

Kelly & Tom recap Peaky Blinders S3E3 and discuss content licensing, educated whales, spooky horses, the film Reservoir Dogs, and all the other tv they've been watching this summer.

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Family Meeting: Too Much Mumbling, Not Enough Ska Jun 13, 2016

Kelly & Tom are joined for their recap of Peaky Blinders S3E2 by the esteemed Dowager Cousin Jackie! They discuss non-vaginal sapphires, Soviet SVU, acceptable amounts of tea slurping, and whether or not pizza is allowed in Britain.

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Family Meeting: Kafka’s Children’s Book Jun 05, 2016

Kelly and Tom finally return to their podcasting ways with this recap of Peaky Blinders S3E1! They continue to say GRAAAAAAAACE despite no longer having much of a reason to, have a surprising discussion of Thornton Wilder’s Our Town, try to decide where aristocrats go, wonder why Arthur is suddenly the voice of reason, lust after Tommy Shelby 2.0, and fail to remember Jeremiah’s son’s name. Kelly hollers at the harmful one, Tom makes a really excellent pun, and everyone demands a box of wine.

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For Further Information, See The Name Of Our Podcast Mar 14, 2016

And so Downton Abbey ends, not with a bang, but with a Denker. Kelly & Tom recap S6E9 in slightly more emotional fashion than usual, but they still manage to pitch the spinoff “McG: Hospital Administrator,” wonder why Matthew Goode didn’t just take a job as Downton’s butler, hope that the eventual Downton movie is called “In the Boot Room,” promise to invite a unicorn on the podcast, visit OldPeopleBone.com, come up with a better name for Rose’s baby, and talk smack about period maternity clothes. Kelly guesses we’re all crash widows now, Tom provides insight into the history of advice columns, and everyone agrees that real life is the greatest Rifftrax of them all.

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The Uncanny Valley Of Happiness Mar 07, 2016

In Part One of their two-part recap of the Downton Abbey finale, Kelly and Tom fight off tears as they come to the end of a long, strange journey. They give Highclere Castle what-for, reveal Andy’s secret fashion design career, discuss the origins of Molesley’s baldness, long for the return of the Donk, praise Cruikshank’s villainy, suggest a Dr. Seuss book about Thomas Barrow, unveil the true meaning of “puttin’ on the Ritz,” and discover who the real crash widow of the episode is. Kelly explores the history of nail polish, Tom is a Benicio del Whoro, and everyone finds Mary’s smile unsettling.

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The Golly Gumdrops Hour With Kelly And Tom Feb 24, 2016

Kelly and Tom celebrate the penultimate episode of Downton Abbey with an extra-long discussion of S6E8. They pine for an Edith: Pig in the City spinoff, shoutout Branson’s monkey nephew, lament the lost potential of Charles Blake, reveal a surprise Gibson Girl winner, decide that Mary’s bitchery is the real turn-up, wonder about Hitler hipsters, debate the best way to Cruikshank, promise to watch Room 237 again, deride Thomas’ gay bathtub of despair, and remember the foxes of yesteryear. Kelly tries to explain the origins of commercial air travel, Tom requires zero notes or research to cover the English Civil War, and everyone wants you to pay dues to the International Brotherhood of Spouses of Kelly.

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To Pee On All My Priceless Possessions Feb 15, 2016

Kelly & Tom recap Downton Abbey S6E7 with as much panache and flair as the Dowager Countess delivering an epic takedown. They try to comfort Spratt with promises of a denk-free existence, rename Edith’s magazine, miss Charles Blake, lose their minds over a puppy, recall the episode of Step By Step where JT has dyslexia, and speculate about crying dresses. Kelly explains how smoking changed (after the war), Tom revisits old-timey car races, and everyone is thrilled to hear Matthew Goode say “pop.”

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I’m The Oracle Now! Feb 08, 2016

Kelly & Tom are very happy to report that they loved Downton Abbey S6E6, as is made clear in their recap. They reminisce about a time when helicopter parenting hadn’t been invented, wonder how Mary would find a new corpse girl, poke a lot of holes in the hospital storyline, shake their heads at Andy, defend McG’s cat pillows, bring up the Olive Garden, and promise more sparkling impressions in the future. Kelly throws some shade at Baron Fellowes’ take on the plight of great houses, Tom finds a new muse in Lady Emma Hamilton, and everyone laments not having more notable ancestors.

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Consumer Reports Can Suck it! Feb 01, 2016

Kelly & Tom recap Downton Abbey S6E5 (but don’t forget to taste the Instant Take) and wonder why a servant is like a comma, decide that Tom should be Spratt for Halloween, make a Cockerton judgement, marvel at Andy’s acceptance of homosexuality, lament the lack of Whore Institute t-shirts, and plan to cut a baby in half. Kelly delves into the weird world of Pyrex cookware, Tom talks Tangiers, and everyone is excited about a possible new project for Jim Parsons.

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They Paved Pig Farm, And Put Up a Parking Lot Jan 25, 2016

In their recap of Downton Abbey S6E4, Kelly & Tom may have had a bit too much coffee as they declare these to be the show’s “Holly J years.” They also contemplate the implementation of ovesters, wonder why Downton is suddenly filled with sexual innuendo, speculate about port-related injuries, explain Satan’s only weakness, remind everyone to never shake a Baxter, and reiterate that surprises ruin relationships. Kelly does a terrible job of pronouncing “Diaghilev,” Tom offers background on the history of British women’s colleges, and everyone gets shockingly verklempt about Lady Sybil. AGAIN.

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Ruth Buzzi Better Watch Her Back Jan 18, 2016

In their recap of Downton Abbey S6E3, Kelly & Tom discuss the cost of a sucking pig, forget that The Secret Garden is a musical, revel in another Isobel/Dowager fight, wonder why the twins from The Shining are at the Hugheson wedding, meet Tubby McFlopsweat & Rarebit, and wonder if Baron Julian is just flushing out a Google Doc of unused Dowager Quipz. Kelly covers the original hipsters–stamp collectors, Tom outlines the war of the Austrian succession, and everyone wonders what the opposite of narrative economy is.

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A Spring In My Cervix Jan 11, 2016

Kelly & Tom are as lost as a Gutenberg Bible in their recap of Downton Abbey S6E2. They talk a lot about pigs and other fat stock, wish the Dowager wore more codpieces, revisit their favorite Ripon jokes, pour one out for poor Mr. Pamuk, imagine a meeting between Baron Fellowes and George RR Martin, and explain where horseradish comes from. Kelly claims that Edith’s repeated baby-stealing was completely legal, Tom covers the shockingly recent medical advancements the Dowager doesn’t want at the village hospital, and everyone agrees that being a child actor on Downton is the second-best gig for a British baby.

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Thirsk Is For Lovers Jan 04, 2016

Kelly & Tom practically fall off a horse in excitement as they embark on their recaps of Downton Abbey‘s final series. In S6E1, they discover a new position downstairs, meet the Darnleys, wonder if LG is jealous that he didn’t get to go to Liverpool with Gilly, roll their eyes at Denker’s denkishness, celebrate the apparent end of Murder Prison, and they both decide to just give up and get on board the Carson/Hughes ship. Kelly talks smack about the Bloomsbury Set, Tom reveals a very weird Nazi cure for syphilis, and everyone agrees that “mending a cuff” is slang for something awful.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S06E09 Dec 26, 2015

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E9 (the final Christmas Special).

If you want to give us a shout out, or otherwise give us a piece of your mind, email us, check us out on Facebook, or Tweet us. If you want do directly support the podcasts we do, please check out our page on Subbable, and earn some cool rewards! As always, we appreciate any love you can give us on iTunes, and your patronage of our amazon affiliate link, amazon.baldmove.com. Remember, when you use our affiliate link, you get the same great prices, the same great shipping, you just send a little bit of love our way, courtesy of Amazon.

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12 Days of Downton – Nativity! Dec 25, 2015

12 Days of Downton reaches its triumphant conclusion! Tom and Kelly are joined by Dowager Cousin Jackie, as they discuss Nativity!, featuring a (very brief) appearance by Phyllis Logan!

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12 Days of Downton – Hogfather Dec 24, 2015

12 Days of Downton continues with Hogfather, starring Michelle Dockery!

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12 Days of Downton – The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe Dec 23, 2015

12 Days of Downton continues with The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, featuring Lesley Nicol!

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12 Days Of Downton – A Christmas Star Dec 21, 2015

12 Days of Downton continues with A Christmas Star, featuring Rob James Collier!

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12 Days of Downton – The Golden Compass Dec 21, 2015

12 Days of Downton continues with The Golden Compass, featuring Jim Carter!

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12 Days of Downton – Mr. Stink Dec 20, 2015

12 Days of Downton continues with Mr. Stink, starring Hugh Bonneville!

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12 Days of Downton – From Time to Time Dec 19, 2015

12 Days of Downton reaches the halfway point with From Time to Time, written and directed by Julian Fellowes, and featuring Maggie Smith, Hugh Bonneville, Allen Leech, Daisy Lewis, Harriet Walter, and David Robb!

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12 Days of Downton – Alice Through the Looking Glass Dec 18, 2015

12 Days of Downton continues with Alice Through the Looking Glass, featuring Penelope Wilton!

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12 Days of Downton – Paddington Dec 17, 2015

12 Days of Downton continues with Paddington, starring Hugh Bonneville!

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12 Days of Downton – The Witches Dec 16, 2015

12 Days of Downton continues, with The Witches, featuring an all-too-brief cameo from Jim Carter!

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12 Days of Downton – Cinderella Dec 15, 2015

12 Days of Downton continues, with Cinderella, starring Lily James and also featuring Sophie McShera!

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12 Days of Downton – Snow White Dec 14, 2015

Kelly and Tom’s 12 Days of Downton kicks off with our coverage of the Fairy Tale Theater episode of Snow White, starring McG!

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Bomb Squad Goals Nov 16, 2015

Kelly & Tom are joined by returning guest and loyal Cousin Lauren Parker to join in eviscerating the cinematic snooze button that is Suffragette. Apart from the fact that there are zero characters of color and the protagonist is a “composite character,” there’s plenty to chuckle about, including the story of how Brendan Gleeson’s beard got cast, Cher’s long-lost bagel boy, the unexpected awesomeness of Helena Bonham Character and her husband, a new name for Carey Mulligan, the many failures of mannequin technology, and whether British people are allowed to be named Sonny. Kelly is getting extremely proficient at a variety of UK dialects, Tom reminds us that Dan Savage says it’s fine to cheat to save your marriage, and Lauren tells everyone not to watch “The French Lieutenant’s Woman.”

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S06E08 Nov 08, 2015

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E8.

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I Thought This Was Meat Nov 02, 2015

Kelly & Tom do their best to transform the mumblecore snoozefest that is 2008’s Brideshead Revisited into a Warner Brothers cartoon. They declare that Ben Whishaw is #NotMySebastian, name-check Bertolt Brecht, make fun of Haley Atwell’s atrocious wardrobe, advocate for more pop culture dong, and declare unusual characters to be their favorites. Kelly has gay puns for days, Tom insists that nobody hates Champagne, and everyone agrees that Italy is England’s Burning Man.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S06E07 Nov 02, 2015

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E7.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S06E06 Oct 25, 2015

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E6.

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This Is Where The Luncheon Began Oct 19, 2015

Kelly & Tom thoroughly enjoyed Milos Forman’s 1981 epic Ragtime, so much so that Kelly barely gets any songs from the musical in. They are overwhelmed by many cute babies and cameos from everyone who’s ever been in anything, ever, but still manage to be quite moved by the plot, shocked by McG in her earliest form, amused at EL Doctorow’s inability to name characters, and admire various facial hairs. Kelly recommends the books of Ann Rinaldi, Tom derails things at the very end, and everyone wonders about the Emma Goldman scene that might have been.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S06E05 Oct 18, 2015

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E5.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S06E04 Oct 12, 2015

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E4.

If you want to give us a shout out, or otherwise give us a piece of your mind, email us, check us out on Facebook, or Tweet us. As always, we appreciate any love you can give us on iTunes, and your patronage of our amazon affiliate link, amazon.baldmove.com. Remember, when you use our affiliate link, you get the same great prices, the same great shipping, you just send a little bit of love our way, courtesy of Ama

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There’s Not Even Any Hippie Pie Oct 05, 2015

Kelly & Tom close the loop with their recap of Upstairs, Downstairs S1E3. They’re feeling retroactively charitable toward the show due to Claire Foy’s performance in “Wolf Hall,” nobody cares about Christian names, Michigan J. Frog’s German cousin is unmasked, and Persie hasn’t even begun to monster. Kelly points out that people haven’t really figured out childbirth, Tom doesn’t recall the chicken wings, and everyone wonders when this show turned into a 1930s screwball comedy.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S06E03 Oct 05, 2015

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E3.

If you want to give us a shout out, or otherwise give us a piece of your mind, email us, check us out on Facebook, or Tweet us. As always, we appreciate any love you can give us on iTunes, and your patronage of our amazon affiliate link, amazon.baldmove.com. Remember, when you use our affiliate link, you get the same great prices, the same great shipping, you just send a little bit of love our way, courtesy of Amazon.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S06E02 Sep 27, 2015

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E2.

If you want to give us a shout out, or otherwise give us a piece of your mind, email us, check us out on Facebook, or Tweet us. As always, we appreciate any love you can give us on iTunes, and your patronage of our amazon affiliate link, amazon.baldmove.com. Remember, when you use our affiliate link, you get the same great prices, the same great shipping, you just send a little bit of love our way, courtesy of Amazon.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S06E01 Sep 20, 2015

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S6E1.

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Family Meeting: The Reddit Right Hand Sep 07, 2015

Kelly & Tom wrap up their Bham journey in this recap of Peaky Blinders S2E6. They are excited to report that Rando finally pays off, ponces gonna ponce, Solomons is back in Cillian’s good graces, fake Irish identities continue to come in handy, Jeremiah makes an all-too-brief appearance, they finally figure out the origin of Cillian’s favorite poem, Lizzie is a very professional prostitute, and Grace is no match for the Attractive Bitch. Kelly has a new favorite phrase, Tom corrects some timeline errors, and everyone hopes Sam Neill stays dead this time. We’ll be back with hiatus programming on 10/4, and Downton Abbey Instant Takes will resume on 9/20.

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Family Meeting: Our Lady Of Perpetual Office Hours Aug 31, 2015

Kelly & Tom recap the penultimate episode of Peaky Blinders S2E5 and share some bonus listener feedback! They also make a bunch of apologies, point out one of Mrs. Whore’s sandwiches, continue to fret that Ada has sold Comrade Baby, realize that Esme is a way better strategist than Arthur ever was, reflect on Solomons’ attitude toward Judaism, get excited about goldfish, affirm that upper-crust aristocrats are not as ruthless as criminals, and lament the return of GRAAAAAACE. Kelly explains the prayer habits of 18-year-olds, Tom suggests a side project for Chris Martin, and they both outline how programming is going to work over the next couple of weeks.

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Family Meeting: A Mop With A Dream Aug 24, 2015

Kelly & Tom are back all by their lonesome with their recap of Peaky Blinders S2E4. The show really kicks into high gear with this one, featuring Cillian’s only truly unsettled look of the series, London’s hottest genderqueer nightclub, Esme’s questionable style choices, the Attractive Bitch’s Downton-dwarfing estate, a job listing for a smug jerk, Ada’s mysterious sources of income, and the the return of GRACE (but not her singing). Kelly plays F/M/K with the Shelby Brothers, Tom explains why his Google search turned up 11 year old girls, and everyone wonders what happened to Comrade Baby..

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Family Meeting: r/Canes Aug 17, 2015

For their recap of Peaky Blinders S2E3, Kelly & Tom welcome Princess of Bay Area Comedy and self-hating Irishwoman Allison Mick! They talk about every show imaginable that isn’t Peaky Blinders, declare a strong preference for Solomons’ “people management” skills, make fun of Grace’s senior photo, agree with Charlie that honest work sucks, and wish that they had a Curly in their lives. Kelly wonders how the show would change if Polly’s daughter Anna had survived, Tom blames Tom Mix for another senseless killing, and Allison tries to establish herself as a Los Angeles slumlord.

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Family Meeting: The Very Last Person Ever To Join Columbia House Aug 10, 2015

Kelly & Tom are joined by Los Angeles comedian Rye Silverman for their recap of Peaky Blinders S2E2 and things get rowdy! The trio debates what constitutes a stigmata, the usefulness of horse medicine, Ada’s commitment to the tenets of socialist thought, the fact that church bells don’t have a snooze alarm, and whether Esme’s betrayal means they can’t like her any more. This episode is also blissfully free of any of Grace’s singing. Kelly gets very twitterpated about Cillian and Tom Hardy in the same room,Tom refuses to entertain any exploding babies, and Rye has more insightful thoughts on Downton Abbey and television in general than she expected.

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Family Meeting: The Boy Who Couldn’t Stop Getting Older Aug 03, 2015

Kelly and Tom are BACK with a brand-new recap of Peaky Blinders S2E1. Refreshed and ready to ally themselves with Tom Hardy, they are thrilled to see Cillian cosplaying as Scarecrow/Dr. Jonathan Crane, Ada back in top bitchy form, post-war spiritualism at its shadiest, the replacement of Not Churchill with someone who actually resembles Churchill, the awesomeness of Esme, and the blessed lack of any singing from Grace. Kelly doesn’t like this tooth-pulling scene as much as the one on The Americans, Tom has a lot of opinions on Steve!Knight’s CD collection, and they both continue to struggle with Sam Neill’s elusive accent.

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Family Meeting: The Clang’s the Best Part Jul 13, 2015

Open that bottle of champagne as Kelly & Tom wrap up their coverage of Peaky Blinders S1 with this recap of E6. They invent the term “laundrobrothel,”roll their eyes at Comrade Baby’s actual name, unexpectedly warm to Moss, applaud Mumper and Esme’s general approach to life, enjoy what is possibly the show’s very best scene, hope God gives everyone a moral exception like he does to Jeremiah, pitch a Nick Cave podcast, and make fun of Grace’s singing one last time. Kelly starts “the final countdown,” Tom tries to figure out how to deal with a cliffhanger, and everyone loses their Sam Neill accent (almost).

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Family Meeting: Good Call, Pathological Liars Jul 06, 2015

In their recap of Peaky Blinders S1E5, Kelly & Tom can hardly believe they’re already covering the penultimate episode of series one. They worry about Comrade Baby’s welfare, feel absolutely gutted by Arthur, accidentally call Cillian by his character name, speculate whether Sam Neill and Scarface have ever been seen in the same place at the same time, wonder when Finn started drinking, and get back to the most important work of all: making fun of Grace’s terrible singing. Kelly antagonizes Jake Lloyd for no reason, Tom can’t adequately parse the word tinker, and everyone apologizes for the audio quality of the first 9 minutes of the episode.

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Family Meeting: The Scudboats Are Coming Jun 29, 2015

Kelly and Tom find themselves alone again (naturally) for their recap of Peaky Blinders S1E4, which sees Steve!Knight get a new CD, the semi-return of Sam Neill, a fish with a terrible hat, Cillian’s ill-advised hiring criteria, one of the shows most emotional scenes, plus here a Lee, there a Lee, everywhere a Lee-a-Lee. Kelly wonders how hard it would be to quit sex work, Tom proposes a memoir title, and regrettably, everyone forgets to make fun of Grace’s singing.

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Family Meeting: The Third Glass Is The Singing Glass Jun 22, 2015

Kelly and Tom are joined by fellow podcaster Lauren Parker for their recap of Peaky Blinders S1E3. They chat about Fire Street, whine about the relative lack of Sam Neill, wonder if Ada has matured at all since the age of 9, debate whether Freddie Thorne or Arthur Shelby wears their terrible haircut better, clarify the difference between Scotch and Irish whiskey, take Cillian Murphy very seriously, and make fun of Grace’s singing even though Grace doesn’t sing at all in this episode. Kelly demands Charles Bronson, Tom incorrectly describes Birmingham’s location, and Lauren wants everyone to focus on the class struggle and shut up!

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Family Meeting: How Can You Have Any Pudding If You Don’t Eat Your Chalk? Jun 15, 2015

Kelly and Tom are joined this week by the very manly Lee Keeler to recap Peaky Blinders S1E2, and that means three dueling impressions of Sam Neill’s insane accent! They pay homage to the Hops Council, explain the plot of Spartacus, try to decipher the meaning of “Diddicoy,” suggest that Aunt Pol start her own ob/gyn,theorize about the Lee clan’s first names, and continue to make fun of Grace’s singing. Kelly hopes to find Hemingway’s secret diary, Tom makes fun of Steve Knight!’s CD collection, and Lee channels Saving Private Ryan to fill in details of a key episode death.

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Family Meeting: The Zoidberg Of The Shelbys Jun 08, 2015

In the premiere episode of their Peaky Blinders podcast, Kelly & Tom cover S1E1 in stripped down, very manly fashion. They are pleased to report that there is more diversity in a single episode of Peaky Blinders than in an entire five seasons of Downton Abbey, plus Cillian Murphy. They also have more to say about horses than usual, make fun of Grace’s singing and Sam Neill’s everything, express their disappointment in the show’s lone communist, get turnt up for the Sorrowful Mysteries, and point out that Winston Churchill really doesn’t look like himself. Kelly gets amped up about opium, Tom prescribes Adderal for Monaghan Boy, and everyone once again takes this opportunity to talk smack about Titanic BS.

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The Palm Court: Next Stop: Oz May 18, 2015

Kelly & Tom wrap up Mr. Selfridge S3E9 and E10 in this supersized recap (thanks to Viking River Cruises, we assume). They identify the YouTube commenters of post WWI Britain, make merciless fun of Gordons Dumb, New, and New New, cheer Mr. Crabb’s vulgarity, explore the limits of the Defence of the Realm Act, ask important questions about a certain family’s barbecue, and try to get a baccarat prescription. Kelly talks about opium far too much,Tom tries to explain about Sam Neill, and everyone fervently prays for the return of Our Dark Mistress Beatrice Selfridge in Series 4.

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The Palm Court: A Chia Pet That Didn’t Work May 10, 2015

Kelly & Tom say well-done Eyeliner in their recap of Mr. Selfridge S3E8. They speculate about monogamy amongst cavemen, root actively for Faircut and against Ceorge, wonder if Loxley’s new cronies are just Neil Gaiman characters in the wrong story, cheer as Fake Doris serves up some serious working class realness, wonder what the heck Gerrard does all day, harken back to the psychic powers of the Earl of Grantham, and continue to talk smack about New New Gordon’s kissing technique. Kelly gets her Dalek on, Tom wishes for a Selfridge/Mad Men crossover, and everyone agrees that love rarely conquers anything.

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The Palm Court: Buddy Hackett Is Just Imaginary May 04, 2015

Eyeliner rides again (in a new car!) as Kelly & Tom recap Mr. Selfridge S3E7. They reveal the first rule of baby daddy club, offer shares in Pets.Commissary, declare themselves fans of Regan, give some admittedly useless marital advice to Harry & Rose, grant Matthew Crawley a surprise cameo, kick a cokehead out of their apartment, and demand The Continuing Adventures of Haircut. Kelly plugs her (fake) one-woman show, Tom plugs his (fake) new podcast, and they both hope to be rewarded for their excellent production values.

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The Palm Court: Knickers Are Your Friend Apr 27, 2015

It’s another Eyeliner of an episode as Kelly and Tom recap Mr. Selfridge S3E6. This time, they discover the Elliott Stabler of Selfridge’s, sleeves that do not roll, Sergei looking like a hatrack or something, sexy telegrams, Loxley’s villainous competence, the Dowager Countess’ Shame Baby, Harry’s Nailin’ It scrapbook, and the return of Violette’s Couch Cape of Seduction. Kelly can’t believe you’re all still standing for the intro, Tom encourages people to “be cool,” and everyone remembers the importance of bribing the liquor control board.

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The Palm Court: The Debts Are Coming From Inside The House Apr 20, 2015

Kelly and Tom finally catch up to PBS with their recap of Mr. Selfridge S3E5, no thanks to Viking River Cruises! The Homely Architect drops a bombshell, New New Gordon outs himself as history’s worst kisser, Moustache’s soft hands are in jeopardy, Shame Baby’s origin story is finally revealed, and everyone gets Mardled. Tom’s a bit under the weather, Kelly waxes nostalgic about Reel Big Fish, and a dedicated Customer educates us about the Princess Wiz-Waz’s alleged heritage .ALL HAIL THE RETURN OF BEATRICE’S DEVIL CHILD PORTRAIT.

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The Palm Court: The Probate Porch, Starring Tom Schneider And Art Carney Apr 20, 2015

Kelly and Tom recap Mr. Selfridge S3E4 and marvel at Violettes’ theatricality, debate the merits of mutton, decide who the Heisenberg of Selfridges’ is, talk a lot about The Honeymooners, wonder if the Homely Architect is a Hufflepuff, and applaud the shockingly effective sexiness of Fat Thomas. Tom discovers that politics are hard, Kelly thinks Mardle and Grove are totally going to bang, and everyone agrees that ours is not to reason Whyliner.

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The Palm Court: Wasting All The Peas Apr 13, 2015

Kelly and Tom recap Mr. Selfridge S3E3, which continues this season’s trend of being dark and awesome. Shipping New New Gordon and Fake Doris finally pays off, Mustache gets up to some weird facial hair editing, George Towler continues to live out the plot of “Flowers for Algernon,” and Violette begins the exciting journey of sleeping her way to the bottom! Everyone feels bad that Ma gets stuck with such a crappy storyline, but console themselves with a new signoff and their terrific new startup idea: AirBnB for auctions!

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The Palm Court: Life On The Surface Is Harsh Apr 06, 2015

Kelly and Tom very nearly have their sign on and sign off sorted out in their recap of Mr. Selfridge S3E2, which is a good thing, because they also have a lot of reactions to what is happening on the show. They are skeptical of the Russians’ Russianness, intrigued by the introduction of Mean Fat Thomas, applaud the fudgy burns of Keebler, wonder how boards of things work, decide that the LeClair’s honeymoon is an Outlander situation waiting to happen, come up with a new name for Conehead, worry that Mr. Crabb is going to off himself, and recount the adventures of the Towler Prowler! No Ellen Love Letters this week, so be sure to write a bunch for upcoming episodes!

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The Palm Court: Long Live The New Propeller Mar 30, 2015

Kelly and Tom kick off their first podcast spinoff with this recap of Mr. Selfridge S3E1! Despite a severe lack of our Dark Mistress Beatrice and no sign of Lady Mae or BLENKINSOPP, the episode delivers on all the old favorites–plenty of Piven, many mustaches, husbands behaving horribly, Fat Thomas making terrible life choices, the wit and wisdom of the Artful Porter, plus Dorises Classic and Fake. This season looks to be significantly darker than the previous two, on account of things being different than they were before the war, but Kelly and Tom keep it light with their trademark banter and the introduction of both Ellen Love Letters and the Selfridge Awards (aka “The Selfies).

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Baa-Ram-Ewe, Milady Mar 09, 2015

Kelly and Tom discuss the additional scenes aired in the US version of Downton Abbey S5, announce a short break, discuss other TV shows they like, and get ready to start NAILIN IT on their upcoming coverage of Mr. Selfridge.

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The Once And Future Donk Mar 02, 2015

Kelly and Tom recap the S5 Downton Abbey Christmas Special with a non-violent bris and much more! They wonder what will become of Mertobel, wish for an all-McG series 6, get excited about bacon on a turkey, remind Baxter that snitches get stitches, debate the correct plural for “grouse,” celebrate the show’s new Muppet overlords, declare young George the Daniel Baldwin of Downton Abbey, and hand out drinks, Oprah-style. Kelly loses her mind over Matthew Goode, Tom proposes death by nose, and everyone hopes for the return of the stick-poking kid in S3 of Mr. Selfridge.

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Knockoff Tamworths Feb 23, 2015

In their recap of the penultimate episode of Downton Abbey S5, Kelly and Tom can’t quite believe how little actually happens. Thankfully, they do manage to spend 2.5 hours talking about it, banging out several new portmanteaus, ragging on Denker from the block, making a lot of Rebecca jokes, pulling a Gilly, wondering about taking a “raisinette” to the train station, suggesting that Thomas hang out in Weimar Germany for a bit, chastising the Downton haters, and speculating about Edith’s marital prospects. Kelly offers an update on wedding customs and tradition in 1924, Tom lays out the awfulness of the Amritsar massacre, and no one is made of snakes.

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Actually, It’s About Ethics In Baby-Stealing Feb 16, 2015

Yes, Kelly & Tom get very weepy about a certain canine’s illness in this recap of Downton Abbey S5E7. They are not made of stone. They also manage to share two separate Edith/Gregson AUs that suck less than the actual canonical storyline, accuse Rosamund of going a hat too far, speculate about the trainability of dachshunds, wonder again what happened to fun, casual sex-having Rose, laugh and laugh about the pronunciation of “kinema,” try to figure out how MLF is spending her copious free time, and start a band called Dickie Merton and the Sinderbys. Kelly delves into the many complicated relationships of John Barrymore, Tom paints a picture of Hong Kong in the 1920s, and everyone agrees that UYDS needs its own Alastair Bruce.

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Spoiler Alert: He Was Living In A Tree Feb 09, 2015

Kelly & Tom continue to enjoy Series 5 of Downton Abbey in their recap of E6. They come up with a portmanteau for Atticus and Rose, wonder if Baron Julian & NEAME recently discovered 30 Rock, diagnose two cases of Terminal Bummer Syndrome, redefine the word “Ainsty,” invent a new DA drinking game, problem-solve on behalf of Sir Anthony Strallan, finally get Rob James-Collier’s name right, and fear the possibility of a Murder Baby. Kelly extols the virtues of Pola Negri, Tom tops off everyone’s knowledge of the Beerkellar Putsch of 1923, and no one knows the correct pronunciation of the word “mores.”

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#NotAllGentiles Feb 02, 2015

In their coverage of Downton Abbey S5E5 (the golden episode), Kelly & Tom cheer the continued existence of Empress Bitch Mabel Lane Fox, wonder what sheep would think of pigs, question Mrs. Hughes’ feminism, discuss Merty’s “single white female” approach to courtship, propose assassin training for babies, get excited that someone finally tips Carson, tell Molesley to stop mansplaining Baxter’s crime to Baxter, and try in vain to ignore the looming specter of Murder Prison. Kelly explains what “textiles” are, Tom enlightens and depresses on the subject of pogroms, and everyone is relieved that they don’t have to explain Burning Man to their grandparent

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Nyet, Nyet, Nannette Jan 26, 2015

Kelly & Tom are in high spirits for this temporally complex recap of Downton Abbey S5E4, their favorite of the season so far. Among the many great points of discussion are a feminist reinterpretation of Candyland, shipping BrickG, a Downton/Marx Brothers mash-up, winelexia, missing Jimmy Kent, a cavalcade of terrible impressions, dealing with ghosts, and the Russian response to pretty much everything. Kelly laments the lack of historical context for fashion shows, Tom offers another bio of a socialist, and everybody just loves Mabel Lane Fox!

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Chaps Seeking Chaps Jan 19, 2015

Kelly & Tom are simply delighted with the goings-on in Yorkshire and the most romantic city in the world in their recap of Downton Abbey S5E3. They love absolutely everything McG gets up to, wax nostalgic for Series 1, figure out how The Brady Bunch would have gone down in Germany, talk smack about Little Gilly, pitch a Mr. Bates-inspired perfume, laugh at spotted dick, the continued return of Mary the Bitch, 1920s 900-numbers, and Spratt attacks, and just say no to surprises. Kelly delves into the life of the British EL James, Tom explains the twisted and stupid world of 19th century royals, and everyone declares for Team Mrs. Pig Man.

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The Borg Of Yorkshire Jan 12, 2015

Kelly & Tom celebrate 100 episodes of UYDS with a recap of the plate of semolina that is Downton Abbey S5E2. They liven it up as best they can with fart noises, banter, and other vocal effects as they discuss Sherlock Holmes as the original Mentalist, Sex as Job Interview with Mary Crawley, the perfect specimen of animal that is Isis, how many aliens were in Hitler’s army, Merty’s sly feminism, the ongoing scam of rent-to-own furniture, Daisy as a codebreaker, and the return of…The Duchess! Kelly provides an uplifting update on 1924 underwear, Tom throws some history into the canal, and everybody is hoping for the special boot room-free cut of the entire series.

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Middle Class Person Ruins Everything Jan 05, 2015

Kelly and Tom are thrilled to return to Downton Abbey for its S5 premiere! They wrap up some pressing questions regarding Dune and hanging meat til it’s high before getting into their discussion of Baron Julian’s email address, their newfound hatred of Gareth Neame, Chekov’s fire brigade chief, the fragility of footmen, Baxter still being ‘a thing,’ mantel-snoopery, Gregson’s signed copy of Mein Kampf, pig geography, Molesley’s rapidly morphing ethnicity, and Mary’s similarity to Senator John McCain. Kelly offers insight into Edwardian hair care, Tom explains the new Labour government, and they both get really excited about their proposed jukebox musical of public domain playground songs.

Need more snark? Check out the UYDS Instant Take for this episode: http://tinyurl.com/kg3q3ao

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S05E09 Dec 30, 2014

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S5E9 (the Christmas Special).

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That ‘Tweren’t No Golden Bullet Dec 28, 2014

Kelly & Tom interrupt their vacation to discuss the 1962 David Lean classic, Lawrence of Arabia with Bald Move network co-founder A.Ron Hubbard. They manage to clock in at about half the film’s 4-hour runtime, so this podcast is a real timesaver. Much lively chatter ensues about negging in the desert, the many parallels between Lawrence and Dune, bastards choosing their own names, the unbearable hotness of Sherif Ali, whether a woman would ever direct a movie about a charismatic leader, and the nonexistence of quicksand, Kelly gets really upset about the R2D2 and C-3P0 of the movie, Tom keeps everybody on track, and A.Ron’s beard steals the show.

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Interview with Lucy Lethbridge Dec 15, 2014

Kelly and Tom interview Lucy Lethbridge about her delightful and informative book, Servants: A Downstairs History of Britain from the Nineteenth Century to Modern Times.

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Stay Communist, Everybody! Dec 15, 2014

Kelly & Tom stall for as long as possible before recapping Soviet propaganda film Battleship Potemkin. They wonder if anyone has ever been satisfied with borscht, meet the Russian Gilly, discuss cooking with axes, wax nostalgic about M*A*S*H, declare most denizens of 1925 to be ugly, and marvel at the many mustaches on display. Kelly gets very worked up about hanging game til “high,” Tom continues to not be Liev Schreiber, and no one can pronounce anything correctly.

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Gentrification, 1925 Dec 01, 2014

Kelly & Tom eviscerate The Painted Veil, which they did not like at all, not one bit. They spend a surprising amount of time discussing Pablo Schreiber as they applaud the way Toby Jones is filmed in this movie, debate how cholera affects the real estate market in rural China, enroll at the Nicole Kidman School of Acting in Sydney, declare themselves Team Yu, explain the proper gifts for various wedding anniversaries, and wish this was a movie about British diplomats deciding where to boff their mistresses. Kelly is disappointed at the film’s total lack of veils, Tom wants a warlord, and both of them reveal that their apartment is not a hedonistic wonderland.

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Measlebraten Nov 17, 2014

Kelly & Tom make a passionate plea for peace in their recap of the 1930 classic All Quiet on the Western Front. Otherwise, this episode sees the return of the baby brigade, lots of made up German words, a terrifying pair of hands, the only conservatory in the country, the power of a busted face, the burden of love, a derriere, the correct way to make an omelet, and way too many tea cozies. Kelly makes experimental mask films, Tom swears he heard the Goblin King, and everyone pulls together to support Kathy Bates after her acting career tanks.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S05E08 Nov 09, 2014

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S5E8.

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Psychiatry 403: The Most Dangerous Class Nov 03, 2014

The tears are flowing in this recap of The Wind That Shakes the Barley as Kelly & Tom get back on the Empire Exhibition wagon. They try to keep it together and crack jokes about being torn asunder, Tom Branson’s unforgivable cowardice, the difficulty of a consistent Irish accent, the deliciousness of pretzel buns, kangaroo gouging, the merits of Peri Gilpin, and whether it’s possible to hit the knucklepuck. Kelly feels like Bill Paxton at the end of Titanic, Tom is a one-time fan of Johnny Tremain, and everyone is glad this film moves so quickly.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S05E07 Nov 03, 2014

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S5E7.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S05E06 Oct 27, 2014

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S5E6.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S05E05 Oct 21, 2014

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S5E5.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S05E04 Oct 19, 2014

Kelly and Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S5E4.

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Biff Tannen’s Running The Palm Court Oct 19, 2014

Due to the vagaries of travel, Kelly & Tom recap Upstairs, Downstairs S1E2 and find the series growing on them. They struggle to come up with shipping portmanteaus, fail to remember the name of that drunk footman, discuss the logistics of Madonna’s marriage to Guy Ritchie, are shocked by the horrific realities of everyday Fascism, declare Agnes to be the worst, marvel at the servant-of-the-week format, complain about Ivy’s orphanarium, roll their eyes at the definition of “water-ices,” and unexpectedly become members of Team Hallam. Kelly cannot remember Haile Selassie’s name, Tom deals with his Molesley issues, and everyone agrees that Solomon is the power behind the throne.

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You Want Wal-Mart, Go To Wal-Mart Oct 06, 2014

In an act of fan-service, Kelly & Tom finally dip into the fan-servicey world of 2010’s Upstairs, Downstairs reboot. They agree that Sasha was hotter than Spargo, discuss inappropriate ways to “rock the vote,” reveal Queen Victoria’s secret love of impressions, root for a “Maud & the Monkey” spinoff, wonder what happened between Mrs. Buck and that bannister, and realize that Lena Dunham jokes have a very short shelf life. All this, plus Kelly cannot remember that Nazi’s name, Tom revises his will, and everyone is bummed that they are missing Sadie & the Hotheads East Coast tour.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S05E03 Oct 06, 2014

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S5E3.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S05E02 Sep 29, 2014

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S5E2.

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Feral Children! Unschooling! Sep 23, 2014

In their recap of 1993’s The Secret Garden, Kelly & Tom are thrilled to find that it’s a darn good movie, possibly thanks to executive producer Francis Ford Coppola, who is also Kelly’s close personal friend. The film itself features Maggie Smith earning all 5 Maggie Smiths as Mrs. Medlock, Kate Maberly as the kid lit version of Scarlett O’Hara, the worst ghost ever, a new spin on The Odd Couple, Martha shopping at The Paradise, Claude the surprisingly violent pony, haircuts at the Gap, the dangers of swinging while pregnant, the world’s oldest youngest man, Dickon’s very attractive lamb-saving skills, and the potentially damaging idea that magic is real and can solve all problems. Kelly tries to sing the entirety of The Secret Garden musical, Tom trots out his Rashers impersonation, and everyone wants to see David Cronenberg’s take on the Frances Hodgson Burnett classic.

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Downton Abbey Instant Take S05E01 Sep 22, 2014

Kelly & Tom give their instant opinions on Downton Abbey S5E1.

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There’s No E In Bingo Sep 08, 2014

Kelly and Tom’s Empire Exhibition takes them to Ireland this week, as they recap episodes 1 and 2 of Strumpet City despite not having the slightest idea what anybody is saying. Nonetheless, they pass the time by reminiscing about Rosario Dawson, critiquing local dentistry, unearthing a lost Johnny Cash song, exploring the popularity of Friends in Edwardian Ireland, and ranking Robin Hoods. Tom brushes up on his Russian, Kelly still misses Sylvia, and everybody is dismayed by a troubling lack of strumpets.

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rec.boats.antarctica Aug 25, 2014

Kelly and Tom are throwing an infidelity party following their recap of Shackleton, and everyone except Embeth Davidtz is invited! While they spend time with Tom’s favorite actor on Tom’s favorite continent, they chat about how many times people sleep with Kenneth Branagh, The Shaggy DA, what to do with an army of Welshies, drunk penguins, Frank Hurley as the Spike Jonez of Antarctica, Bovril, the original Pilates, The Colonel’s misguided attempts at levity, and the importance of packing a toe bucket. As if that wasn’t enough, Kelly invents an amazing new Tumblr, Tom regrets not buying a high school yearbook, and they finally figure out the only thing that could cause them to get divorced.

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Meth? Or Method Acting? Aug 11, 2014

Kelly & Tom continue their very exciting Empire Exhibition with an assist from comedian Kevin O’Shea. They dive deep into the Lake of Shining Waters with Anne of Green Gables, only coming up for the occasional swig of raspberry cordial and a reminiscence about childhood community theater. The film passes the Bechdick test with flying colors and also features Prissy Andrews as the Canadian Terminator, a hairdo puffier than Anne’s sleeves, lots of ginger hate, Matthew’s brown sugar obsession, a surprising detour to the Charlottesville Conference of 1864, and a cameo from Futurama‘s “Mom.” Kelly wants to hear Josie Pye’s side of things, Tom has totally forgotten about Downton Abbey, and Kevin suggests that the gables themselves might be of use to the Kaiser.

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There’s Knees Afoot Jul 28, 2014

For their recap of both the 1917 and 1995 versions of A Little Princess, Kelly and Tom are joined by the delightful Allison Mick. The trio pretty much rolls their eyes every time Sara Crewe opens her mouth, but they manage to have a great time talking Passions (aka the greatest soap opera of all time), Ser Davos “Call Me Dave” Seaworth, the Inception of podcasts, staggeringly weird father/daughter relationships, the ways in which we are all Minchins, the return of War Horse, Rusty Schwimmer, living in Taj Mahals, handicapped ghosts, and whether or not Douglas Fairbanks was gay. Kelly is a third cake feminist, Tom invents a drinking game, and Allison dubs Alfonso Cuaron the new king of comedy!

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Jokes Jokes Jokes Death Jul 14, 2014

Kelly & Tom welcome the Dowager Cousin Jackie back to UYDS for their coverage of Blackadder Goes Forth. The trio is surprised by its tonal similarity to Parade’s End and spends a long time extolling the virtues of Orphan Black for no other reason than the fact that everyone should watch Orphan Black. Otherwise, they realize that Captain Flashheart is essentially Duffman from The Simpsons (RIP Rik Mayall), discuss the many sins of Chris Columbus, solicit accounts of raising pigeons from chicks, uncover Tony Robinson’s Da Vinci Code connection, revel in the madness of General Melchett, fist-pump for Miranda Richardson, admit there’s something about Bob, and wonder why there are only three people in the British army. All this, plus Kelly thinks Blackadder is a Capricorn, Tom makes a lot of Shakespearean interruptions, and Jackie refuses to acknowledge fruitcake as cake.

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Crocodile Don’t Care Jun 29, 2014

While they find 1984’s A Passage to India awfully racist (even for the 1960s), Kelly & Tom like it almost as much as a video of a baby singing Outkast’s “Hey Ya.” It’s a Star Wars heavy episode as they encourage Questlove to put some damn pajamas on, get haunted by the Caves of Marabar, marvel at the Eastwood-ness of Mr. Fielding, identify Roddy the Rodent’s long-lost relative, wish to be as chill as Armitrao, declare “Mrs. Moore” to be the Spartacus of this movie, discuss the difficulty of impressing Zeus, discover what Beethoven was really talking about, and decry Judy Davis’ lack of cuteness. Kelly thinks the movie is like Hello, Dolly, Tom REALLY hates cucumber sandwiches, and they both ponder whether EM Forster would have been down with a “bromance.”

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The Palm Court: Lizard Prison Jun 02, 2014

It’s time to close the doors on S2 of Mr. Selfridge, but not without one last recap from Kelly & Tom. They wonder how many tricks Fat Thomas turned to pay for Agnes’ engagement ring, hope Eyeliner will include more store windows next year, guess wildly at Mrs. Selfridge’s never explained diagnosis, tell Mr. Grove to slow his ginger roll, speculate on the size of Loxley’s lizard, celebrate “I’m Glad I’m Rich Day,” give Ma Selfridge a new nickname, and order up some steamed Plunkett for lunch. All this, plus Kelly thinks about “Circle of Friends” again, Tom provides Cultural Cliffs Notes, and everyone hopes the next series jumps to the end of WWI because we’re all sick to death of the trenches! See everyone in two weeks for the kickoff of the UYDS Empire Exhibition!

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The Palm Court: That Cravat Is Unacceptable! May 26, 2014

Kelly and Tom scoop themselves in their recap of Mr. Selfridge S2E9. They also decipher Harry’s social schedule, uncover the identity of Edwardian Deep Throat, lament the declining standards at the Palm Court, reveal some Belgian sex tips, discover a new weasel, ponder The Spirit Of Blank, and continue pining for the stick poking kid. Kelly announces a new sponsorship, Tom criticizes Nicole Kidman, and everybody high fives at the triumphant return of Blenkinsop.

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The Palm Court: The International Brotherhood of Magical Mannequins May 19, 2014

As the finale rapidly approaches, Kelly & Tom can’t wait to see what happens next. In the meantime, their recap of Mr. Selfridge S2E8 covers a variety of not-entirely awful American accents, the Rhett Butler of the West End, New Gordon’s unrelenting dweebiness, a message from the Tillie Foundation, how to succeed in business (if you’re Delphine), trucks full of eyeliner, a creepy, knuckle-eating lizard, royalty payments to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the intricacies of Bootgate, refugee stuff, and the possibility that Kitty Hawkins is actually a living doll. Kelly plans to change her name, Tom sums up the entirety of Are You Being Served? in a single sentence, and they both advocate strongly for the asterisk technique.

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The Palm Court: A Spitting Mad Weasel May 12, 2014

Kelly & Tom are completely Crabbestruck in their recap of Mr. Selfridge S2E7. They also get paid by the Oliver! reference, confirm that Beatrice sees all, cheer Agnes’ excellent relationship skills, hope for the return of that stick-poking kid, get completely squicked out by Mr. Grove’s urges, declare The Plunkett to be Edwardian tech support, and are disappointed by Monsieur LeClair for the first time. Kelly refuses to sing Big Bill Summertime’s song, Tom wants some Bovril curry, and no one should ever take a bath.

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The Palm Court: The Charlie Chaplins of the Sky May 05, 2014

Kelly & Tom laugh at a lot of inappropriate moments in their recap of Mr. Selfridge S2E6. They also christen a Conehead, launch the good ‘ship Malorian, tell Monsieur LeClair to get his shit together, provide ill-informed book reviews, beg Beyonce to write a song about women of independent means, bet on Kitty Hawkins in a rap battle, lament the total lack of sexual chemistry between Delphine and Harry, and have a Doris Classic sighting. Kelly makes Tom laugh really hard, Tom hates the Victorian era, and everyone finally learns what’s up with those weird British bank notes.

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The Palm Court: Look Out, Royal Baby! Apr 28, 2014

Kelly & Tom go back to the tea emporium in their recap of Mr. Selfridge S2E5, but they can only podcast while riding a bus that’s pulling away. They meet the Artful Porter, suspect Eyeliner of being a Bond villain AND Judi Dench, realize that all violins look like a naked lady’s back, fall in love with Mr. Crabbe, get excited to dine at Fat Thomas’s fictional restaurant, and worry that someone might try to kill WWI era Germans during WWII by mistake. Kelly busts out her McG impression, Tom is not being paid by Snacky Smores, and everyone is well aware that the poker game is no limit.

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The Palm Court: Can I Bring My Own Dance Belt? Apr 21, 2014

Kelly & Tom deliver yet another AP English-heavy recap for Mr. Selfridge S2E4. They declare Rose to be the Columbus, OH of people, demand more screentime for Lurch, speculate about Beatrice’s claim to immortality, find themselves fascinated by the Horny Chocolatier, identify French slut-shaming as the glue that held the British Empire together, wonder why New Gordon is 34, and try to keep Fat Thomas from sticking his fat nose in places. Kelly explains the finer points of retail hierarchy, Tom looks at Young Indiana Jones, and everyone struggles to pronounce “Gio.”

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The Palm Court: If Carmen Sandiego Could See Us Now Apr 14, 2014

In their recap of Mr. Selfridge S2E3, Kelly & Tom are shockingly won over by Mr. Grove’s gettin’ it done montage, find New Gordon’s pornography unimpressive, discuss how tigers like their afternoon tea, rejoice at Mr. Leclair’s return to retail, wonder what Pimble gets up to, express concern that Harry wants a drink, imagine Eyeliner’s various delusions of grandeur, and gaze upon The Picture of Dorian’s Hair. Kelly hasn’t seen enough Golden Girls, Tom wants a job at the Palm Court, and, once again, everyone agrees that things were different before the war.

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The Palm Court: The Baby Battalion of 1915 Apr 07, 2014

Kelly & Tom recover from tax season with their recap of Mr. Selfridge S2E2. They speculate that Miss Towler may be experiencing Goblin King-related interference, point out that New Gordon is no Charlie Chaplin, elucidate Jeremy Piven’s internal monologue, count all the horrible things that should be highlighted in a British “Empire” exhibition, suggest the Lord Loxley Award for Horrible Behavior, discover the legend of Tubby Isaac’s, and gleefully welcome back Monsieur Hobo Beard LeClair. Kelly writes a Lifehacker article, Tom says “GOOD GOD!,” and everyone worries that the show is rapidly approaching “peak ginger.”

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The Palm Court: Boobs v. Pickpocket Mar 31, 2014

Kelly & Tom return to the wonderful world of Eyeliner in their recap of Mr. Selfridge S2E1. They discuss the difficulty inherent in following the PBS broadcast schedule, a superior credits sequence, the perfection that is Polly Walker, Marvilius: The Lost Hogwarts House, Mr. Crabbe’s cousin, the return of Lang, the origin of mannequins, a community theatre production of “There’s Something About Mary,” how to steam a pigeon, and New Gordon. Kelly’s right, Tom’s wrong, and everyone wants Monsieur Leclair to shave his hobo beard.

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The Elderly British Showrunner Celebrity Deathmatch Mar 23, 2014

Kelly & Tom cover the five people you meet at Downton in their S4 recap wrap-up! Among other things, they discuss Bates’ evolution into a Lifetime Original Movie, The International Brotherhood of Bangs, Ponytails & Mullets, Chekov’s refrigerator, the joys of shouting “Gilly” and “Pegglet,” the return(?) of FakePatrick, Greta and her biscuit, how Isis was presented to King George, and having sex on green room couches. Kelly is all died out, Tom wants everyone to know The Duchess is still out there, and everyone wants to Free Madge.

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In Soviet Russia, Coat Gets You! Mar 03, 2014

Kelly & Tom overcome the limitations of time and space to bring you this super-sized recap of Downton Abbey S4’s Christmas Special, “The London Season.” Together, they explore the most grating American accent yet, how children are reared on McG’s home planet, the many delights of Dudders, how much Rose’s ball could be improved with sideboob, Blake’s connection to Hogwarts, board the good ‘ship MacH and Allsopp, the way Baron Fellowes manages to shoehorn Hitler into the series, widow surfing, Mary stealing Gwen’s line, and Bate’s transformation into Batman. Kelly plans to be weirdly obsessed with Tom, Tom hates it when Congress uncovers his bribes, and they both agree that they’ve invested far too much in this podcast to get a divorce.

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Nothing But Boots Feb 24, 2014

In their penultimate recap of Downton Abbey S4, Kelly and Tom pretty much lose their minds over the Tamworths, can’t believe Bates is plunging us into yet another murder plotline, marvel at the McG-ness of McG, compliment the Dowager on her philosophical leanings, applaud the ingenuity of Yorkshire’s nascent carnie society, lament the return of the Homely Liberal, giggle at Jack Ross’s thick, fluffy American accent, wonder what happened to Spratt, invent a new single for the Village People, and call out the ubiquitous boot room. Kelly expresses her disgust at the grossest sexual gesture in existence, Tom entertains with tales of the Teapot Dome scandal, and everyone is super-happy that Mr. Mason is back!

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As Far As I Know, There Was Only One Beastmaster Feb 17, 2014

Kelly & Tom recap Downton Abbey S4E7 and explore why the Dowager is dressed like an extra from Zoobilee Zoo, whether the Abbey is really just a halfway house for idiot servants, the potential success of a website called Witch Date, Daisy’s rapid transformation into Miss Havisham, exactly where a pig man’s place it (hint: it’s with the pigs), the madness and pointlessly panty-dropping hotness of King Ludwig II, the very unwelcome return of Mr. Green, the boot room of the upstairs, and Mary’s totally awesome bedroom. Kelly is still laughing about Clone High, Tom outlines The Duchess’ modus operandi, and though they don’t exactly apologize for all the things they’ve said about Baron Fellowes, they’d still love to have a chat with him.

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The Sybil Crawley Memorial Golly Feb 10, 2014

Kelly & Tom are just in love with Downton Abbey in this recap of S4E6. The objects of their rekindled affection include Baxter’s infuriatingly vague past, heathenish orange juice, hating Woodrow Wilson, the elusive Gutenberg Bible, Isobel’s official return to meddling, the sexploits of Leslie “Hutch” Hutchinson, Violet Kush, kangaroo thieves, Charles Blake’s unfortunate haircut, McG being the McBest, Daisy finally giving dumb Ivy what-for, woad, and the weird, wild, wonderful world of Warren G. Harding. As if all that wasn’t enough, Kelly’s hot toast brings all the boys to the yard, Tom roots “USA,” as usual, and everyone wonders how a Dowager is like a writing desk.

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The Wickham of Podcasts Feb 03, 2014

Kelly & Tom wax cautiously optimistic for the rest of the season in this recap of Downton Abbey S4E5 as they talk refrigerators and the wacky adventures of Lord Byron. They also talk Branson’s upbringing, the proper way to mail a baby, shipping Daisy and the sewing machine, disgusting Top Chef fanfic, Baron Julian’s sudden recollection of everything that’s happened on the show so far, Pavlov’s Grantham, the introduction of young Pegglet, terrible pregnancy plotlines, that magical spring in Tuck Everlasting, and what HeisenBates might do next. Kelly can’t keep a secret, Tom saves the print industry, and America’s grandmothers rejoice as everyone finally has a chance to pit baby against baby in a battle for adorable supremacy.

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God Is Carl Winslow Jan 27, 2014

Kelly & Tom take on Downton Abbey S4E4 and try not to talk about how things were before the war, with mixed results. They permit Edith’s use of the word “whilst,” wonder where have all the babies gone, puzzle over LG’s sudden emergence as the voice of reason, dispute whether anything should be allowed to be jellied, appreciate how friggin’ racist the Crawleys are, determine which dresses Mr. Lloyd George would have hated, wish Mrs. Hughes was a Dark Jedi, discuss the sexiness of marching band bus makeout sessions, encourage Daisy to return to her farm, and pitch a porn parody of The Perfect Storm. As if that weren’t enough, Kelly wants a secret marriage, Tom steps up his BOOM game, and they both totally called Edna a witch before it was cool!

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Two Parts Whiskey, One Part Eye of Newt Jan 20, 2014

Kelly & Tom finally get down to making jokes about Downton Abbey S4E3, and they want to be very clear that they aren’t interested in helping rapists. However, they do address Anna’s assault, try to cast Futurama characters in Downton Abbey, recount a 1922 hipster conversation, speculate about Lady Raven’s subjects, decide once and for all whether Alfred is dumber than Lord Grantham, strap the Dowager Countess to the top of the Beverly Hillbillies’ truck, invent a new word, come up with a radical plan to get Lady Mary past Matthew’s death, and accuse Braithwaite of witchcraft so much that it’s like an Arthur Miller play. Kelly goes inexplicably nuts over the animated film Anastasia, Tom impersonates an Irish baby, and everyone laments how different things were before the war.

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UYDS Extra: So Many Feelings, So Many Thoughts Jan 16, 2014

Kelly and Tom talk about the thing that happened.

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Leave Mrs. Tiggywinkle Alone! Jan 13, 2014

Kelly & Tom recap Downton Abbey S4E2 and are surprised by how so little happens so conveniently in this installment. Otherwise, they wax rhetorical about Bates’s toilet leg, how blue one needs to be to move to Belfast, Gregson’s butler Tony Shalhoub, porking in York, a documentary about Molesley’s life, the head-eating powers of the mega-cloche, the return of Daisy’s bitchface, Hecate’s influence on Downton’s goings-on, whether or not Rose qualifies as a tart, how much it costs to get hobo stink out of a room, and how a Quentin Tarantino-style resolution would be the best way to end the idiotic belowstairs love quadrangle. Kelly doesn’t understand Massachusetts, Tom wonders why the unemployed can’t just get a job as the Great Gatsby, and both of them are just thrilled that Isis’ butt is finally back!

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Look At All Those Eggs! Jan 06, 2014

Rejoice, Cousins new and old! It’s time to recap Downton Abbey S4E1 with Kelly & Tom and reveal a new UYDS! theme song. This ukulele/guitar arrangement is by Cousin Matthew Lister and he is accompanied by Cousin Nick Lanzer. Otherwise, Kelly & Tom are beyond excited to meet the new Breakfast Club, say farewell to O’Brien’s bangs, malign the Skank Braithwaites, learn about St. Valentine’s Day and workhouses, think about werewolf employment opportunities, go nuts over adorable babies, and celebrate the triumphant return of our girl Mags. Kelly finally pronounces Siobhan correctly, Tom wants some sarsaparilla, and everyone is reminded that “Grantham Knows Least.”

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From the Makers of “Unpopular Student” Dec 30, 2013

UYDS! favorite Natasha Muse joins Kelly & Tom for this special holiday recap of Doctor Who Series 4, Episode 7, “The Unicorn & the Wasp.” The trio goes back in time to discover the smell of the 1920s, speculate about the origin of the record scratch, chat about hipster Christians, and wonder if Agatha Christie ever wrote a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Kelly announces that she’s doing “The Secret” on Mia Farrow, Tom reveals that the number of suspects in any mystery must be prime, and Natasha tells everyone about her very special necklace.

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Colonel Rambo Takes Charge Dec 16, 2013

The parade ends here for Kelly & Tom as they bid a fond farewell to CBatch & the gang. Despite having other Wannops to Wannop, they struggle to accurately identify all the soldiers in the trenches, applaud McKechnie’s inveterate weirdness, wonder if Sylvia’s a bitch because she’s constipated, lay the Groby tree to rest, and say the word “Guggums” just one more time. All this, plus our first onscreen look at a contraceptive douche and a Victrola that may not be a portent of impending doom! Kelly ranks her least-favorite pop culture Edwards, Tom encourages CBatch to take the edge off at Madame Suzette’s, and we all learn why sand-boys are always so happy.

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I Want to Go to the Dung Pile! Dec 02, 2013

In their penultimate recap of Parade’s End, Kelly & Tom dive into Part 4 with relish—but not mustard. They debate the merits of sharing one’s wife with an Egyptologist, consult Shmyahoo! Answers, point out that Sergeant Ferret is just like McG, retroactively nominate Roger Allam for all the awards, witness the making of a MacGuffin, pit Mary Culligan against Carey Mulligan, and marvel at the supremely dumb dumbness of “POTTY!” Kelly would like everyone to be mistaken for her, Tom wonders how Madame Suzette will feed her children, and both agree that Tom Stoppard wishes everything was a play.

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A Burning, Corset-Filled Hell Nov 17, 2013

It’s Part 3 of Parade’s End, and Kelly and Tom are really Batching it up. They admire Sylvia’s treason dress, try to remember if CBatch got any love from the Emmys this year, brainstorm a new line of makeup, malign sailors on leave and Burning Man, reveal the most mentally stable denomination of British currency, and get completely blindsided by the Reverend Duchemin. Kelly channels the Beastie Boys to convey the plight of war babies, Tom explains where plover’s eggs come from, and they award Cousin of the Week based on a carrier pigeon for the very first time!

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God Of Catalogs Nov 04, 2013

After serious consideration and a viewing of Part 2, Kelly and Tom declare Parade’s End a riveting must-see! This is due in no small part to the horrifying Groby tree, CBatch’s Oogie Boogie smile, Sylvia’s plot-driven nudity, Tom “the Stoppard” Stoppard, a very whiny Wannop, the most German-looking of German houses, Potty Chumpstache, a very Edwardian gathering of hipsters, an adorable child petting a pony’s nose, and a fish eagle. Kelly tries to work Scandal into her busy tv-watching schedule, Tom provides yet more insight into WWI, and the Cousins valiantly attempt to explain just why there’s something about Cumberbatch.

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We Assume It Was A Dispute Over Tea Oct 22, 2013

Kelly and Tom kick off their coverage of Parade’s End (aka “The Batch Witch Project”) in the usual fashion: critiquing Murray’s mustache! Though the jury is still out on what they think of the series after one episode, they amuse themselves by making up nicknames for Benedict Cumberbatch, declaring that Sylvia is Scarlett Johansson if Scarlett Johansson had a personality, blaming all bad sex decisions on France, identifying a stone-deaf fox, and discussing the pallor of self-abuse. Kelly thinks the creepy tree would have sent her screaming into the night, Tom reveals Batman’s true origin, and they both wax nostalgic for “your precious mother.”

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This Is The Worst Prom Ever Oct 07, 2013

Kelly and Tom welcome the much-vaunted Dowager Cousin Jackie to UYDS and the trio does not disappoint with this recap of Titanic: The Legend Goes On… The gang spends most of the episode completely baffled by the “film,” including (but not limited to) the bargain-basement animation, much ado about a locket, the fact that no one is fazed by the sight of a mouse wearing clothes, a rapping dog, a dog that looks like a bat, several other dogs, a character with boobs that make Jessica Rabbit look like a B-cup, Vanderplonks, a perpetually stoned leading man, and a small girl with dick lips. Kelly counts to blorgs, Tom looks forward to Syfy’s OctoQuake, Jackie takes offense at the film’s treatment of fat people, and everyone hopes you’re drunk while you listen to this.

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Puberty Beach Sep 27, 2013

In this recap of the excellent film adaptation of Maurice, Kelly and Tom learn how to pronounce “Maurice,” marvel at Hugh Grant’s trascendent good looks, figure out where to get their buttery waxed, fail to tell the difference between Thing 1 and Thing 2, spot a young Helena Bonham Carter, and are generally appreciative of Messers. Merchant and Ivory’s approach to male nudity (spoiler alert: they are in favor). Kelly keeps trying to call Maurice “Paul,” Tom is glad he didn’t take Latin, and together, they figure out how Baron Julian came up with most of the plot of Downton Abbey Series 3.

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In All Fairness, There Were Rats Sep 16, 2013

It’s the first-ever UY,DS! bonus episode! Kelly and Tom interview Titanic Historical Society member Cousin Chris on the many, MANY failings of Titanic: BS (historical and otherwise). Please enjoy his fascinating insights, our hilarious banter, and the reasonably passable audio quality!

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Blinded By The Boatship Sep 09, 2013

Kelly and Tom run their coverage of Titanic: BS straight into an iceberg with this quick and dirty recap of the final five episodes. They talk about Simple Jack perhaps more than necessary, complain about Muir and Princess Steel, wish Michael McCann was in a better show, marvel at the resourcefulness of one “Kitty Burlington,” get mad at the elder Mr. Hatton, watch Sofia almost-but-not-quite cry, wonder what happened to Liam, rejoice at the return of Sad Andrea, and wish this was a show about German spycraft in the years leading up to World War One. Kelly does a pretty solid impression of Derek Jacobi, Tom rates the series “a fart minus,” and they definitely don’t take any dramatic pauses on the way up the Titanic gangplank.

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Nice Sweater, Idiot Aug 26, 2013

Kelly & Tom continue their arduous slog through Titanic BS with their recap of Episode 7. They celebrate the return of Chris Noth’s mustache, puzzle over Neve Campbell’s otherworldly, hideously costumed press agent, start shipping Malandrews, wonder what happened to Sad Andrea, kill a German munitions supplier, encourage the Cousins to open a bar and grocery, talk a lot about rivets, and transmute some bread into steel. Kelly accidentally reads a telegram like a Dalek, Tom feverishly reads Wikipedia sites, and both of them wonder how standards and practices work for the Starz network.

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Law & Order: Steel Victims Unit Aug 12, 2013

This week, Kelly & Tom skip ahead to Titanic BS Episode 6 on account of Episode 5 containing more BS than usual. There, they anticipate being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, figure out whether we are supposed to feel bad for Kitty Carlton, find a new favorite solicitor, hope that Violetta is hooking, mistake a German for an Irishman, wonder how many mini-Muirs Mark has left in his wake, and fall freckles-over-heels in love with a ginger. All this, and Kelly wants to set a Whole Foods on fire, Tom defines thinking, and they have a great time playing Marry, F*ck, Kill with the fictional population of Belfast.

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CreateCelebBaby.com Jul 29, 2013

In this recap of Titanic BS Episode 3, Kelly and Tom go on the hunt to locate Ewan McGregor, capture some escaped blue, explain Bastille Day to hipsters, reform the educational system, spot an attractive ginger, and give career counseling to Sad Andrea. Lord Pirrie’s hat is sincere, Sofia’s button is suspicious, Dad’s gin bottle is traditional, and Chris Noth’s mustache is still on the lam. Kelly invents a new catchphrase, Tom reveals his cinematic past, and everybody is drunk (it’s Julian Fellowes’ fault).

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The HMS Moderately Sized Jul 16, 2013

In this belated recap of Titanic BS E2 (now with a spaghetti co-host!), Kelly & Tom marvel at the Muirscope, demand more of JP Morgan’s mustache, rejoice at the return of Lady Skunkhead, balk at the beigeness of the Hatton family, gape at Kitty’s brazenness, wonder if Lord Pirrie and Mr. Andrews are related, and laugh and laugh at Simple Jack. Kelly attempts to make an offensive rhyme about Irish people, Tom advises our Cousin of the Week to sleep his way to the top, and nobody likes Andrea.

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Rissoles Or Death Jul 01, 2013

This week, Kelly and Tom finally get around to recapping Titanic BS–no steel barons allowed! Amidst the color saturated splendor and completely inappropriate sexual tension of Edwardian Belfast, they marvel at Neve Campbell’s “acting,” the period-appropriate whores, the machinations of the Onion Organizer, Stephen Oven-Bake, and Chris Noth’s mustache’s fantastic performance as Jiggery Pokery Morgan. Kelly explains how the keel-laying ceremony keeps ship-sinking demons at bay, Tom wishes he was a press liaison in the 1900s, and everyone is thrilled to find out that Mr. Leclair has shown up in an unexpected place!

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The Palm Court: Giggles And Drinking: A Life In Retail Jun 17, 2013

It’s time to close the doors on Series One of Mr. Selfridge–we think. It’s possible that Jeremy Piven has been running around, setting all the clocks five minutes ahead. Kelly and Tom get unbelievably angry at Mr. Grove, imagine Sherlock Without Sherlock, weigh the pros and cons of living like the Eskimo, worry that Rosalie has appendicitis, laugh at King Edward VII, introduce Crabvilius shipping, discuss how duchesses never fart, marvel at Ellen Love’s new gravity-defying hairdo, and wonder why the hell it’s so easy to make the audience at Tony’s play laugh. Kelly actually cries about the departure of several characters, Tom busts out his French accent again, and both of them can’t wait to see what tricks Eyeliner has up his makeup-stained sleeve for Series Two.

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The Palm Court: Brought To You By The Mutton Council Jun 03, 2013

Kelly & Tom go nuts for tea huts in their coverage of Mr. Selfridge Episodes 7 & 8. Their more quick-witted than usual observations extend to remembering that Drunky McGin exists, the plight of colorblind Edwardians, the return of Lady May’s hair bra, how Selfridge’s might have capitalized on the sinking of Titanic, Mr. LeClair’s snazzy new iPhonograph, an imagined MySpace rivalry between Baron Julian and Eyeliner, Rosalie Selfridge and the vexing strap, “Umberland” as a unit of measurement, and the many dangers of automated nutcrackers. In addition, Kelly thinks Doris and Bobcat Goldthwaite are the same person, Tom spots a pair of egregious anachronisms, and everyone laments the return of Roddy “The Rodent” Temple.

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The Palm Court: The Divine Right Of Sandwich May 20, 2013

In this recap of Mr.Selfridge episodes 5 & 6, Kelly and Tom crash headlong into a heap of scandal! They go to the papers with tales of gin-soaked bums, Jeremy Piven’s excellent yelling skills, a (nearly) fool-proof method of telling the Selfridge children apart, Lady May’s gigolo-naming system, which ‘ships are okay to support, the worst flashback sequence of all time, and the excellent performances of Ellen Love, Rose Selfridge, and Josie Mardle. Kelly plans to write Jordan Baker fan fiction, Tom spots a really egregious anachronism, and everyone blames Mrs. Crabbe for everything while they join the No Gordons Allowed Club.

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The Palm Court: You Just Get A Warmer Sound With Horses May 06, 2013

Kelly and Tom return at long last with a recap of Mr. Selfridge episodes 3 & 4 sure to delight and amaze even the most curmudgeonly Cousins! They cover the awfulness of Viking River Cruises and the PBS video player, the over/under on whether Lady May and Ellen Love are actually vampires, Fake Gyllenhaal’s dilettantism, Nude Day at Selfridge’s, dick-flavored chicken, getting married in pubs, Bohemian scammers, and why Piven doesn’t ever just yell “BLENKINSOP!” All this, plus Kelly cuts several lines of cocaine history, Tom almost eats a photograph, and it is decided that every woman should have a Leclair moment.

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The Palm Court: Smirkin’ And Merkin Apr 08, 2013

Kelly and Tom set out to change the way the internet experiences Mr. Selfridge. Their discussion of the two-hour Masterpiece Classic premiere involves a LOT of made-up names, LinneyWatch 2013, the smile that dropped a thousand panties, the Ginger Gregson, a Torchwood alien, and the niceness of people being nice to one another. All this, plus Kelly is the Regina George of slumber parties, Tom is declared an honorary woman, and the Cousins grace us with a plethora of lengthy, informative Telegrams.

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Grand Canadian Trunkadelic II: Attack Of The Clones Mar 18, 2013

Kelly and Tom wrap up their wrap-up discussion of Downton Abbey, Series 3. They ponder how to solve a problem like Molesley, the ever changing cast of babies, Isis-shaped lamps, the merits of sharing a diaper with a monkey, Ireland’s lack of cinematic quality, the real Dante’s Inferno, Mary’s similarity to the Queen Mother, the new musical sensation Thoroughly Dismayed Lord Grantham, the downstairs love pentagram, and Murray-related activities. Kelly reveals her latent telekinesis, Tom disparages the works of M. Night Shayamalan, and they both resume bashing Sadie and the Hotheads. Don’t forget, March 19 is your last chance to enter to win a Kindle Fire from BaldMove.com!

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Grand Canadian Trunkadelic, Part I Mar 11, 2013

This week, to the surprise of everyone, including themselves, Kelly and Tom kick off the first of a two-part (possibly three-part) Downton Abbey Series Three recap discussion! They cover alternative ways to write Matthew Crawley out of the show, the failings of the TARDIS when parsing trans-Atlantic slang, whether or not twigs are allowed in British prisons, heroin-addled costume designers, the heir to Sunny Marlborough’s lifetime of bad decisions, how to play Snapdragon, and the gayest name ever. Kelly tries not to fall victim to a poison pie, Tom gets misty about Mrs. Hughes, and they both plead with Baron Julian to let them write punchup on Series Four. Don’t forget, you can win a free Kindle Fire from UYDS’s parent network, BaldMove.com! Be sure to enter by March 19th!

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Our Sigil Is A Wet Blanket Feb 25, 2013

In their final super-sized Downton Abbey recap for this season, Kelly and Tom finally catch up with the rest of the world as the events of “Journey to the Highlands” unfold. They chat about Lady Mary’s magically disappearing baby bump, the Crawley House motto, Branson’s Home Alone experience, Rose’s side-boob, haggis hats, O’Brien’s utterly terrifying Scottish counterpart, the long-awaited appearance of Shrimpie, the inexplicable demon/assassin/alien maid Edna, ghillies and their speak, Helen Mirren joining the DA cast, what Jimmy Kent gets up to on his days off, a Nield & the Gang spinoff and of course, SYBBIE! Kelly reveals her childhood connection to carnies, Tom reaffirms his undying devotion to Lady Mary, and both of them come up with a great Downton-inspired name for their first child.

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Something Hatches, Right? Feb 18, 2013

Take a tour of the revolting world of a double-wide episode of UYDS! In this episode, Kelly and Tom recap Downton Abbey S3:E7 and S3:E8 in an attempt to reconcile themselves with PBS’ dumb programming schedule. Not only do they cover two totally riveting episodes, but Kelly attempts to sing the score of Norman & Simon’s The Secret Garden, Tom casts aspersions on the fair city of Elko, NV, and everyone sheds a little tear for Thomas. They also discuss Sybbie’s giant melon head, McG’s hypnotic droopy eye, sympathy for the devil, limp ninjas, a lot of love for Madge, Alice, and the hallboys, Mary’s (alleged) baby thievery, Edith’s total domination of fashion this series, the worst poem in the world, brunch etiquette, Ethel’s shopping list, and all the cricket you can shake a century at, or whatever it is people shake at things.

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The Happy Pants Place Feb 11, 2013

This recap of Downton Abbey S3:E6 is brought to you courtesy of podcast network BaldMove.com, the new home of UYDS! Kelly and Tom discuss crackpot theories, ways to make the podcast profitable, and the joy of wordplay. They also criticize Mrs. Bartlett’s wallpaper, Isobel’s face, and Bates’s very existence. They also seek out a mirror for O’Brien, a musical role for Jimmy Kent, a magical spell for Baron Fellowes, and a surprising possible identity for Thomas’s erotic pen pal. In addition, Tom delves deep into pagan folderol, Kelly runs down the elusive foxtrot, and more from everybody’s best friend, Wikipedia!

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Why Couldn’t It Have Been Bates? Feb 04, 2013

Kelly and Tom sob their way through this emotional recap of Downton Abbey S3:E5, possibly one of the best episodes of the show to date. The tearful twosome observe Daisy’s rapid transformation into Mrs. Patmore, Junior; welcome converts to the Church of Shank Bates; roll their eyes at the wacky exploits of Ethel in the kitchen; reveal who, in fact, is the walrus; marvel anew at the sheer awesomeness of Dame Maggie Smith, and wish that Thomas would find his own clock to wind. Kelly demands a pie TARDIS, Tom finds a ridiculous description of medicinal history, and both of them make an unacceptable number of references to Macbeth. Also, once again, HERE BE CRYNG, so keep a hankie handy.

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That’s Archbishop To You, Batman! Jan 28, 2013

Kelly and Tom recap the dumbest thing ever, AKA Downton Abbey S3:E4. On the plus side, this episode features Thomas’s erotic pen pal, toffee noses, the comedy stylings of the Dowager Countess, a newfangled electric toaster, Ethel’s plotline finally paying some dividends and the really, really, ridiculously good-looking Jimmy Kent. Unfortunately, it also includes far too much Murder Prison, Branson being a completely out-of-character moron, the comedy stylings of the Dowager Countess (yes, again), everything interesting happening offscreen, wretched editing, and a bizarre scene that might be about alien babies. Kelly tries to figure out the origins of Isobel’s Whore Institute, Tom tells tales of badass ladies who were also Irish rebels, and they both plea for more Linney!

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Isis Is My Co-Pilot Jan 21, 2013

Kelly and Tom celebrate the Year of the Twat in their recap of Downton Abbey S3:E3. They discuss O’Brien’s pickled bangs, Isobel’s Whore Institute, the adventures of Anna Bates, PI, the reason it’s hard to call Branson ‘Tom,’ McG’s unexpected ascendance to the show’s official voice of reason, the ins and outs of European car rental in 1920, and why the chronically understaffed Downton Abbey has such a generous PTO policy. Plus, Kelly won’t shut up about Ever After, Tom explains the origins of the treadmill, and everyone feels just awful for Edith.

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Get Out Your Silver Polish, Boys! Jan 14, 2013

Kelly and Tom are bringing strumpet back in this recap of Downton Abbey S3E2. Daisy reveals herself as the Cassandra of Downton, Matthew and Mary keep having sex in lieu of an honest conversation about finance, our favorite replacement ginger reappears, Reed’s magical origins are uncovered, and MacL shares a sexually charged moment with the Dowager Countess. Kelly wonders if there was ever really a time when she didn’t hate Matthew, Tom hopes Anna’s garter is for her second husband, and they alter their pronunciation of “McL” so the Cousins won’t think they are talking about Passions. All this, plus “Flight of the Molesley!”

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Hitler’s A-Comin’ and Fashion is King! Jan 07, 2013

Welcome back to Yorkshire, Cousins! At long last, Kelly & Tom recap Downton Abbey S3:E1! They lay out their Linney strategy, speculate about Mary’s fertility, complain about how bitchy all the characters got while on hiatus, go into mourning for McG’s hat, come up with a Branson/Matthew spinoff, wish that Sybil had spent her travel money on a new wardrobe, marvel at the beauty of Larry Gray’s permasneer, unexpectedly find themselves on Team Edith, and of course, extol the many virtues of Dame Maggie Smith. Plus, Kelly gets in deep with cloche hats, Tom corrects Baron Fellowes on the finer historical points of the Grand Trunk Railway debacle, and both of them say “Shank Bates” eleventy-million times apiece.

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What Happened In Bert’s Chalk Drawing, Stays In Bert’s Chalk Drawing Dec 17, 2012

Kelly and Tom wish the Cousins happy holidays with this special podcast covering Mary Poppins! They discuss the film’s hidden protagonist, what was really going on during that “jolly holiday,” Dick Van Dyke’s accent, PL Travers’ dealings with Walt Disney, the fastest bath in history, whether or not Mary Poppins was a secret Communist, and the way the Banks kids are ugly/adorable. Everyone’s favorite twosome also reveals how to talk to a Scottish prostitute, the way everyone in Edwardian times desperately needed television, and why they live in squalor. A very happy new year to all! Tune in January 6 for the latest in UYDS Downton Abbey Series 3 recaps!

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Pass the Dalek on the Left-Hand Side Dec 10, 2012

It’s mainly history in this second “Tom Repeats History/Fashion Backwards” episode as Kelly and Tom give book reports on Black Edwardians by Jeffrey Green and Edward and the Edwardians by Phillippe Jullian, neither of which are worth reading if you don’t host a Downton Abbey podcast. They also pitch a reboot of The Craft starring Britain’s grand old dames, express disgust at the nickname “Tum-Tum,” debate the proper pronunciation of WEB DuBois’ last name, reveal Kelly’s secret identity, and Tom plans a visit to the Gogol House of Ill Repute.

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It Would Be Like ‘War Horse,’ Only About a Hat. Nov 26, 2012

SPOILER ALERT: Kelly & Tom break off their engagement with A Room With a View early on in this podcast. They still talk about it–at length–but despite their undying love of Cecil, they just can’t sign off on the Merchant Ivory classic. Fortunately, they do manage to reveal Queen Elizabeth II’s favorite film, brainstorm Twitter handles for EM Forster characters, muse about male nudity, explain proper library book etiquette, and identify Edwardian hipsters. Kelly spends much of the episode dithering about whether or not she’s read the source material while Tom observes that many people have accused him of not knowing what a woman is. SPOILER ALERT: They are looking forward to reviewing the 2007 TV version of ARWAV next year, so please calm yourselves, rabid Forster fans!

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The Cheerful Charlies Ride Again! Nov 12, 2012

At long last, Kelly and Tom finally say “smell ya later” to James Cameron’s Titanic. They give Old Rose what for, speculate about what Young Rose did to survive once she arrived in New York, discuss the true meaning of “going Galt,” pine for vintage Britney Spears videos, watch Lovejoy tussle with some ghosts, and compare the Titanic cast to the cast of The Princess Bride. They also announce the UYDS programming schedule for the rest of 2012, insult Gypsies, and once again wonder what happened to Sven. NOTE: The episode is much more exciting than this description makes it sound.

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I Know What You Did In the Summer of 1912 Oct 29, 2012

Kelly and Tom embark on the second leg of their exciting voyage aboard James Cameron’s Titanic with lots of singing, sauciness, and silly voices. They discuss government-funded icebergs, Rose and Sven fanfic, Bill Paxton’s haircut, weird racial epithets, Jack’s invisibility bowler, and how to be naked without really looking poor. Kelly extols the virtues of a guilty Victor Garber, Tom affirms his preference for cinematic boobs and/or death, and two Cousins who avoided seeing Titanic for over a decade tell their stories!

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Pucker Up, Billy Zane! Oct 15, 2012

In this first of a three-part exploration of James Cameron’s bloated, beautiful, Oscar-winning Titanic, Kelly and Tom name themselves Cousins of the Week, critique the slipshod enforcement of Titanic’s health inspections, and wonder who brought all the free beer in steerage. They are also baffled by Leo Dicaprio’s lack of a Wisconsin accent, the exact location of the whore’s quarters, and what happened to Sven. All this, plus Kelly’s feelings on spaghetti, Tom’s preference for action titties, and which ingredients might make a Tomandkelly cocktail.

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Jenny McCarthy, I Hope You’re Paying Attention Oct 01, 2012

Up Yours, Downstairs! is proud to present (at long last) the “Tom Repeats History/Fashion Backwards” standalone episode! Herein lies a collection of fascinating facts and titillating trends from the Edwardian period, never before discussed on this podcast! The most exciting tidbits include tales of China’s Qing Dynasty (aka 100 Years of Humiliation), the convoluted culture of contraception in the UK and abroad, and a shocking revelation about Edwardian nipple piercing! Kelly contemplates touring the ex-Mormon comedy circuit, Tom reveals why King Edward VII was the world’s worst wingman, and both hosts apologize for their laziness and dumb conversations about Looper. Thanks to Cousin Chris, Cousin Holly, and the indispensible Evangeline Holland for contributing some knowledge on this one.

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The Healthy Relationship Hour Sep 17, 2012

The second half of Julian Fellowes’ Titanic is slightly better than the first half, but not by much. Kelly and Tom bid farewell to stink town (aka Julian Fellowes’ Titanic) and discuss why Baron Julian gave Lyndsey Marshal the O’Brien treatment, the make-out scene guaranteed to put the spark back in any marriage, and whether there was any religious diversity among the survivors of the Titanic disaster. Kelly busts out her Christopher Lloyd impersonation, Tom hasn’t learned anything from That 70s Show, and the Cousins send in some super letters.

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Two for the Ginger Hold! Sep 03, 2012

Kelly & Tom are vastly disappointed by the first half of Julian Fellowes’ Titanic miniseries, but that doesn’t mean there’s no fun to be had. Come along on a fantastic voyage where stops include the worst movie on IMDB, sexy Russians, and the discovery of Titanic: Blood & Steel. Your intrepid hosts also marvel at the fact that Julian Fellowes is singlehandedly employing all of Britain’s actors, English people doing American accents, and the many bitches who boarded Titanic. All this, plus a special appearance by Thomas Wayne!

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Crazy John’s Discount Carpet Outlet Aug 20, 2012

Kelly & Tom wrap up their recap of Manor House the way they started–by getting blasted with love and shouts and screams of joy, courtesy of returning guest, Natasha Muse! Laughs are thick on the table (like unhidden talents) as the gang invents words (like Mr. Edgar), tries to place a bet with florins (like Rob), and spend a lot of time discussing Ray Liotta’s brains (like no one in the history of ever). Tom briefly turns into a Tennessee Williams character, Kelly recounts a time her parents failed to embarrass her, and Natasha hypothesizes about what “perks” Scottish citizens might be entitled to. All this, plus a description of the coolest and least convenient telephone ever invented!

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Do Give Us A Call, If In Fact You Exist Aug 06, 2012

In their penultimate recap of Manor House, Kelly & Tom reveal the Edwardian equivalent of Shark Week, chat about past and present problems of race in the British empire, and exhibit a strange focus on Dayton, OH. The residents of Manderston pull off both a Raj supper and fancy dress ball, Reggie Raj Singh is simultaneously sympathetic and off-putting, and Master Guy plays the drums. All this, plus the requisite Monsieur Dubiard freakout/Lord OC grossout and the return of Lavigne!

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A Nanny of a Pickle Jul 23, 2012

Isis ate their Tom Repeats History/Fashion Backwards homework, so Kelly & Tom host a spicy recap of Manor House Episode 4 and get really mad about fox hunting. Lavigne demonstrates Maggie Smith levels of awesomeness, Monsieur Dubiard remains the Chuck Norris of Manderston, and Master Guy delivers withering glares at the camera. While Kelly makes more obscure references than usual and plans an outreach event for prostitutes, Tom explains the difference between Jules Verne and Robert Zemeckis. All this, plus the long-awaited answer to the question “How the heck do Edwardian women use the bathroom in all those skirts?!”

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We Need To Talk About Kenny Jul 09, 2012

Comedian and bon vivant Guy Branum joins Kelly & Tom for their recap of Manor House Episode 3, “The Servants Revolt.” The group reveal their ideal roles both upstairs and down, recoil at the sight of Edwardian hairballs, and dish about their hopes for Downton Abbey Series 3. Other topics include Morrison’s O’Brien-esque tendencies, the many ways that Antonia is awesome, whether or not Kenny the Hall Boy wears makeup, the unbearable beigeness of Lord and Lady OC, and the disappointing lack of both Master Guy and Monsieur Dubiard in this episode.

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The Meek Shall Inherit Your Manor Jun 25, 2012

Kelly and Tom recap Manor House E2 and return to snarking as usual . After they catch up on their long-neglected correspondence, Tom develops strong feelings about fox hunting while Kelly imagines a Twilight-esque love triangle with Rob and Charlie. Meanwhile, back at Manderston, Monsieur Dubiard makes Mrs. Patmore look like Santa Claus, Mr. Edgar turns into Depressing Mr. Rogers, Lord and Lady OC remain a perfect example of why people have violent revolutions, and everyone learns how important it is to put bros before butlers.

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Ruthie Got Alcohol Poisoning Jun 11, 2012

Comedian (and returning guest) Natasha Muse joins Tom and Kelly as they dive into Episode One of Manor House and all the curiosity about bathroom breaks that entails. The trio discusses the worst idea since Dance Moms, the Human Centipede of alarm clocks, Jay-Z’s inevitable production of The Music Man, and the greatest bromance of 1905. Kelly waxes nostalgic for a simpler era of reality television, Tom longs for a biscuit jar, and Natasha advocates for the removal of pants. All this, plus a bunch of stuff for which you’d gladly pay top dollar–for free!

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Look For It On the Internet in 1998 May 28, 2012

Kelly and Tom take special guest Sam Roth on a weekend trip to get all up in the loins of Gosford Park, where they encounter a surprising amount of factory rape, a mesmerizing performance from one of the lesser Dames, and Ryan Phillipe’s coffee-scented penis. Kelly perfects her impression of Kelly McDonald while Tom and Sam wear pajamas and braid each other’s mustaches. The gang also discuss the proper way to eat jam in a tuxedo, the always-giffable Maggie Smith, and invent a new line of Up Yours, Downstairs! branded merchandise.

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Put On Your Christmas Socks Anyway, Part II May 14, 2012

Kelly & Tom’s final recap of Downton Abbey Series 2 is light on the Christmas, heavy on the special! Matthew goes full emo, Isis pulls a Great Escape, Mary mines the literary canon for humor, Jinksy gets caught with his robe on, and the hall boy speaks! Kelly & Tom wax emotional about the Cousins, try to predict what Baron Fellowes has in store for Series 3, and award this year’s final rating on the Maggie Smith Scale of Maggie Smiths! All this, plus Lord Grantham and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Sequence of Events.

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Put On Your Christmas Socks Anyway, Part I May 07, 2012

Kelly and Tom wish all the Cousins happy holidays in this recap of “Christmas at Downton Abbey.” They dream of Bates roasting on an open fire, punching Thomas in the nose, Yuletide secrets that are Mary-inspired, and folks dressed up like Jack and Rose. Everybody knows a pudding and some legal woes help to make the season bright. And like Maggie said, many times, many ways, “What’s a week-end?” What’s a weekend, to you?

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We’ll Bring the Cholera, You Do the Rest Apr 30, 2012

Kelly & Tom wrap up Downton Abbey Series 2 with a neat little mourning armband and a rollicking case of Spanish influenza. They decry the tomfoolery of Baron Julian, propose articles for Sir Richard Carlisle’s weekly newspaper column, debate Pope-marrying etiquette, chronicle Robert’s rise to Full Grantham, and get way too excited to finally see the dim lights of Ripon. Kelly impersonates a succession of old drunken British dudes, Tom answers the age-old riddle, “How is McG like a goldfish,” and the Cousins weigh in like never before!

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Because Nothing Bad Rhymes With April Apr 22, 2012

It’s business as usual in this recap of Downton Abbey S2:E7 as Kelly and Tom chat about the Edwardian equivalent of Yahoo! Answers, Sir Richard’s epigrams, Grantham Bucks, Jane’s possible alcoholism, the Sallie Mae Shed of Failure, the zenith/nadir of Lady Mary’s bitchery, the capabilities of knickers, and Lord Grantham’s post-war hipster proclivities. They also lament the lack of Downton’s saloon, advise listeners on teabag-steeping, and Kelly says “luncheon” a lot. Plus, super-size Telegrams from Our Cousins and the return of Fashion Backwards and Tom Repeats History!

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Rupert Murdoch’s Gotta Wet His Beak Apr 16, 2012

Kelly and Tom are joined by Boars, Gore, and Swords co-hosts Ivan Hernandez and Red Scott for the most upsetting episode of this podcast ever. In their recap of Downton Abbey S2:E6, the gang chats about all things Canadian, Downton’s own Scrooge McDuck, the emergence of the “Jaters,” Mrs. Patmore on Hoarders, what men get up to behind the bicycle shed, and two more DA spinoffs! Also, Ivan flips out about DC’s New 52, Red flips out about Scottish people, and everyone plans to meet up 200 years in the future.

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All the Gingers Are At the Front Apr 09, 2012

Kelly and Tom make plans to maintain their sanity, advise the Cousins about driving safety, and go for a spin on “Whore Mansion.” They also speculate about William’s new mother, babies with mustaches, the probability that Matthew is the Antichrist or Darth Vader, champagne brunches, Daisy’s stress relief, the feasibility of chucking a bullet, the appropriate sound effects to accompany Mrs. Bates, and the total horrorshow that was World War I. Also, everyone cries during Downton Abbey S2:E5, because it is the cryingest episode to date, but there’s no crying in the Abbey Awards! No crying!

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Ripon: City of a Thousand Dreams Apr 02, 2012

At last, Kelly & Tom record a recap that’s not two hours long! They still manage to discuss Downton Abbey S2:E4 in its entirety, explain last week’s Character Ceasefire SNAFU, and rewrite a number of popular songs for your amusement. Other topics include Thomas’ futuristic sack, an attempt to delete sarcasm, Simon Pegg-leg’s cameo, the Edwardian version of the Mos Eisley cantina, Mary’s strange aversion to concerts, the depths of McG’s stone-cold bitchery, and Sybil’s Sense & Sensibility reenactment. Tom unveils his Daisy impression and Kelly discovers a persistent mental block regarding O’Brien and Mr. Bates’ cane.

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Now That’s One Irish Monkey Mar 27, 2012

Kelly and Tom draw the inevitable Narnia comparisons in this recap of Downton Abbey S2:E3, and discuss the logistics of being a monkey’s uncle, the one and only Batman, whether or not Mr. Bates is a purity ball, Edwardian Cosmo, Double 00-Edith, the cure for Lord Grantam’s trench evy, and PBS euphamisms for sex acts. Along the way, they encounter omnisexual handmaidens, proto-Kardashians, and a mean set of hypno bangs. In addition, Kelly is enraged by skittles, Tom knows nothing about Fiddler on the Roof, and Daisy is still not fit to be seen by human eyes.

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In Your Face, Bridget Jones! Mar 19, 2012

In this recap of Downton Abbey S2:E2, Kelly and Tom geek out because Adebisi is following them on Twitter, come out in favor of embroidery, and suss out some really depressing facts about World War I. Back on the farm, Edith has her most interesting plot to date, McG impersonates Napoleon, Thomas fails to kickstart the Edwardian “It Gets Better” campaign, Ethel greets all of Downton’s unexpected guests, Lord Grantham throws a tantrum, and Miss O’Brien’s heart grows three sizes in one episode. The hosts also catch Julian Fellowes in a continuity scandal, discover the best way to kill Tom, and wonder whether Lady Mary and Sir Richard can build something worth ruining.

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If I Don’t Come Back, Blackmail My Mother Mar 12, 2012

Kelly and Tom come roaring out of hiatus for Downton Abbey S2:E1 to introduce a very saucy replacement ginger, explore Kelly’s canine obsession, plant a flag for the new nation of Batesylvania, proclaim that nail-filing is the new smoking, expose Tom’s crush on silent film star Clara Bow, unexpectedly root for O’Brien, do lots of all-caps SOBBING, and discuss whether or not the Dowager Countess would have been a Trekkie. They also catch up on correspondence from several cousins, declare a Character Ceasefire, and reveal the latest title in their Downton Library, Engagements I Have Ruined: A Scrapbook by Mary Crawley.

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How Many Packs of Marlboro Lights Is It Gonna Take? Feb 27, 2012

This recap of Downton Abbey S1:E7 is supersized, so don’t feel obligated to listen to it in one sitting. Sam Roth of “Rigged Up” joins Kelly and Tom to brainstorm countless Downton spinoffs, dispute Mrs. Hughes’ made-up vocabulary, implement the Schlieffenplan, wonder whether Mary is older than Battlestar Galactica, critique the experimental film hidden in the episode, and cheer one of the most satisfactory face-punchings in television history. Following Sam’s impassioned defense of O’Brien, they host a series of pop-culture showdowns: McG versus Michelle Duggar, Drew Barrymore versus everybody, and Mr. Bates versus Satan. Up Yours, Downstairs! is taking a one-week hiatus before recapping Series 2, so be sure to stock up on laudanum to get through it!

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The Pluckiest Little Overbite You Ever Did See Feb 20, 2012

This recap of Downton Abbey S1:E6 is accompanied by the sounds of the wild Patmore and Carson’s tardy dressing gong as Kelly and Tom consider the effects of breeding on being patronizing, McG’s scheming prowess, Julian Fellowes’ private life, how to get Batesed, Daisy’s belated self-awareness, the trouble with fairies, the difference between a crush and a concussion, and the way that nothing bad ever starts in Germany. In addition, they announce the trivia contest winner, read some freaky-beatnik poems, and whine about Masterpiece Classic’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad editing.

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Every Little Thing She Does Is Boring Magic Feb 13, 2012

Kelly and Tom dodge bullets, drop balls, and have a quaff of ale in their recap of Downton Abbey S1:E5. They still find time to chat about Laura Linney’s smug, punchable face, how to prepare for dinner at Baron Julian Fellowes’ house, Mr. Bates versus Jesus, Cousin Isobel’s amphetamine-powered nagging, the siren song of the Downton Village flower show, Matthew and Mary’s long journey to first base, the perpetual petrification of Daisy, and a new children’s book called A Tree for Edith. They also crack the case of the missing wine, the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson, and the problem with McG’s voice.

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This is Edwardian England, You Dumbnut Feb 06, 2012

Kelly and Tom take a ride on the Good Ship Maggie Smith as they recap Downton Abbey S1:E4. On their journey, they discuss various ways Mary Crawley might kill herself, make inevitable Clue jokes, come down with a case of Thomas fever, investigate the ancestries of Kelly Clarkson and Morrisey, and find out how hard people who are not Sybil fought for the vote. Tom reveals that he is a fan of Daisy’s hat while Kelly sits in the hall. They make an important announcement that affects ALL of the Tenants, and then they Make Way for Branson!

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Really Kind of a Half-Ass Title, If You Ask Me Jan 30, 2012

Kelly and Tom are joined by San Francisco comedian Natasha Muse to recap Downton Abbey S1:E3 and learn how everything can get cancer, meet Laura Linney’s ghostly cinematographer, tag along on the most unsuccessful date, discover how Sybill invented the topsy tail, read the stud book, and lament Edwardian England’s lack of emoticons. Also up for discussion: a rape of a different color, the innocent sleep of the ginger, limpigators, Maggie Smith’s “A-Team” connection, and “Buckin Around with Edith Crawley.”

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The Unhappiest Family Ever To Grace Olan Mills Jan 23, 2012

In this recap of Downton Abbey S1:E2, Kelly and Tom cover how to mistreat a soufflé, the most dangerous game, dropsy cankles, the Carson Cave, knife-holding etiquette, goofballs, the flawless body of Jules Leotard, the right way to handle a Sycorax spaceship, whiny babies, valet advice columns, free speech in the servants’ quarters, Monte Carlos and Homburgs, the world’s worst liar, sea monsters, princesses, and a grizzly bear. They also ponder how to fill three bags, the art of matching carpets to drapes, steampunk surgery, the original Charlie Murphy, and the four faces of Mrs. Patmore.

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Felix, If You’re Listening, I’m Not Sorry Jan 17, 2012

Kelly and Tom kick off their recap of Downton Abbey S1: E1 with the one and only “Downton Abbey Suite” remix, making fun of Laura Linney, learning about the Boer War (which has nothing to do with Pumbaa), the lameness of valets, luncheon versus lunch, Maggie Smith’s digestive habits, O’Brien’s face, the difference between eggs and poison, awesome Victorian mustaches, a weasel up to starring opposite Christian Bale, saying “Mr. Bates” without giggling, and reminiscing about Antiques Roadshow. All this, plus lotsa love for “Boars, Gore, and Swords.” Logo by Suzanna Koolidge.

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