SANTA: It’s finally that time of the year. The family is getting together, the presents are under the tree… love is in the air. Unless, of course, you’re a time-traveling podcast host named Lottie. While the rest of the world celebrates, Lottie just stares through the window at her driveway, waiting for a car to come. It’s the time of year she likes least of all, the time of year when her brother returns from college and—
LOTTIE: Why are you talking like that?
[MUSIC CUTS WITH RECORD SCRATCH]
GIF: I was trying to be festive. Did I sound like Santa Claus?
LOTTIE: Santa Claus is Greek. Try it with Greek accent next time. And I don’t not like Christmas, by the way. I just don’t like my brother.
GIF: Because he’s smarter than you?
LOTTIE: No. Because he thinks he’s smarter than me.
MATTHEW: Did someone say smarter than Lottie?
LOTTIE: What the- How did you get in here? I didn’t hear the door.
MATTHEW: Doors? Please, who needs doors when you’ve got a teleporter. Check it out. First I’m here.
[TELEPORTER SOUND]
MATTHEW (shouting, far): Now I’m here! (Closer) And now I’m back again.
GIF: That was awesome.
LOTTIE: Yeah, awesomely simple. I’ve been building teleporters since I was six.
MATTHEW: Oh, I know. Remember the time you accidentally teleported to class from the swimming pool? You had to stand there in front of everyone in your—
LOTTIE: Hey, hey! We don’t need to tell that story on the air.
MATTHEW: On the… Oh! Is this that radio thing you’ve been doing that mom tells me about?
GIF: It’s not radio. It’s a podcast.
MATTHEW: You know, I used to have my own radio show back in high school. I was basically a celebrity. Is this seat taken?
LOTTIE: Actually, that’s for our guest.
MATTHEW: Cool, yeah, sure. Hello, listeners. This is Matthew Turner and you’re listening to The Matthew Hour, the podcast where I talk to major historical figures and tell them how they could have done their jobs better.
GIF: What’s he doing?
LOTTIE: No! (Microphone screech) This is my show. Why don’t you teleport yourself to the kitchen and cook with dad?
MATTHEW: Oh, come on. I’m just trying to show my little sister what real journalism looks like.
LOTTIE: You know what? Fine! If you won’t go, GIF and I will!
[TIME PORTAL OPENS]
LOTTIE: See you next Christmas!
MATTHEW: You better be back home for dinner!
LOTTIE: Make me!
GIF: Bye!
[TIME TURNERS THEME]
LOTTIE: Hello, Time Cadets, this is Lottie and today GIF and I are going to the happiest time on Earth.
GIF: Disneyland?
LOTTIE: No, even better. Boston in 1659.
GIF: What’s so great about Boston in 1659?
LOTTIE: Well, for starters, they have great accents. And best of all: They’ve banned Christmas!
GIF: Banned Christmas?!
LOTTIE: You better believe it! No feasts, no merrymaking, and no Matthew coming to town to ruin everything! It’s perfect!
[MUSIC CUTS; GUST OF WIND]
EXT. BOSTON IN WINTER - DAY
LOTTIE: Ah, here we are.
GIF: It’s fuh-fuh-freezing. And I can’t even feel things!
LOTTIE: Yeah, we probably should have brought coats. Let’s go sit inside somewhere.
INT. BAR — DAY
LOTTIE: Hey, innkeeper, can I get a milk please? Thanks.
BOSTON INNKEEPER: You god it.
LOTTIE: There it is. The great accent.
GIF: Milk? Have you gone crazy? You’re lactose intolerant!
LOTTIE: I know, but I need it. My brother just gets to me. Did you notice how he called our podcast “cute”? It’s not “cute.” I work really hard on making these.
GIF: Have you ever spoken to him about how you feel?
LOTTIE: Why? He’d just laugh.
GIF: So instead you go back to 1659 Boston and drink whole milk? That sounds reasonable.
BOSTON INNKEEPER: Here’s your milk. Happy Not Christmas!
LOTTIE: Happy Not Christmas! Thank you. What a time to be alive.
GIF: I don't get it. Why ban Christmas?
LOTTIE: Ah, finally, a chance to talk about history. You see, many early American settlers were a certain kind of Christians called Puritans. These Christians took the Bible very seriously, and very literally. The only day of rest in the Bible is Sunday, so they didn’t think Christmas should be a day off. The Puritans also weren’t big fans of the merrymaking, drinking and gluttony that often came hand in hand with Christmas celebrations.
GIF: They didn’t like birthdays?
LOTTIE: Well, that’s the other problem Puritans had with Christmas. The Bible never actually gives a date for Jesus’ birthday!
GIF: WHAT?! Talk about a fun fact.
LOTTIE: Yeah! About 300 years after Jesus died, Pope Julius I decided that the Nativity should be celebrated on the same date as a very popular Pagan festival called Saturnalia.
GIF: Saturnalia?
LOTTIE: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, lots of things we associate with Christmas today originated with the Pagans, including decorating with holly and ivy, burning a yule log, and bringing evergreen branches indoors for decoration. That’s where Christmas trees got their start! To the Puritans, Christmas was more Pagan than Christian.
GIF: That’s nuts and bolts. So when did Christmas actually become legal in the United States?
LOTTIE: The laws were repealed in 1681, but many people still weren’t happy about it. Christmas didn’t become a U.S. holiday until 1870. 200 years later!
[DOOR OPENS]
MATTHEW: Well, look who it is: My favorite robot and his human.
GIF: I’m your favorite robot?
LOTTIE: Are you following us?
MATTHEW: Uh, no? You think you’re the only one who likes celebrating Christmas in 1659 in Boston? There’s no better place to sing a festive 16th century carol like Oh Christmas Tree than right here.
GIF: Actually, Christmas is—
LOTTIE: You know what? You’re absolutely right. Why don’t you sing us a tune? Go on.
MATTHEW: Of course. I have an excellent singing voice.
[OH CHRISTMAS TREE plays]
[BOOS, BOTTLES BEING THROWN, ETC.]
MATTHEW: Hey, what are you doing? It’s Christmas! Stop this!
[TIME PORTAL]
LOTTIE: He always knew more about science than history. Come on, let’s go while he’s distracted.
GIF: No, I’m sorry. This isn’t healthy and I will not encourage—
LOTTIE: I’ll take you somewhere Christmas-y.
GIF: Okay, let’s go.
[TIME PORTAL]
[Talking to Myself announcement.]
[TIME PORTAL]
EXT. LONDON STREETS
[DECK THE HALLS plays]
LOTTIE: Ah, I feel much better now.
GIF: Whoa, where are we?
LOTTIE: This, my friend, is where the Christmas we know and love today really got started: 19th Century England. Queen Victoria was a real trendsetter. In 1840, she married a German prince, Prince Albert, and he brought the German tradition of Christmas trees to Windsor Castle. By 1841, everyone in Britain had a Christmas tree! In 1848 a picture of the Victoria, Albert, and their children was published by the Illustrated London News and the fad took off around the world!
GIF: What else did the Victorians do? Do we have them to thank for presents and deep discount online sales?
LOTTIE: No, but we do owe the Victorians for our Christmas sweets. This period in time was also the height of colonialism. That means that many European countries, as well as America, had control of smaller countries overseas. Many of these colonies produced sugar, which meant sugar became cheap and easily available, so people could make all the Christmas cookies and candies they wanted!
GIF: Wow. Look at all the families spending time together with their families eating cookies. So many brothers and sisters putting their differences aside to have a happy holiday…
LOTTIE: Yeah! Queen Victoria had a large and close knit family, so she helped shape the idea that Christmas is a time to celebrate with loved ones at home, instead of out in the community. Wait a second, I see what you’re doing.
GIF: Just give him a chance! (Santa voice) It’s for Christmas!
LOTTIE: Hey, Gif?
GIF: Yeah?
LOTTIE: Do you know why candy canes were invented?
GIF: No?
LOTTIE: A German choirmaster invented them in 1670 to keep kids quiet in church.
GIF: Is that true?
LOTTIE: It is. And if you keep talking about my brother, I’m going to give you enough candy canes to keep you quiet until New Years.
GIF: (Beat) I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be a threat?
[BEEP. BEEP.]
GIF: Uh oh.
LOTTIE: What?
GIF: My battery’s dying.
LOTTIE: That can’t be. You charged yourself last night, didn’t you?
GIF: Uh…
LOTTIE: Gif.
GIF: I’m sorry. I was up all night getting your present ready. Actually, I did spend some time singing. And some more time installing that Santa Claus voice filter, but mostly I was getting the gift ready (BEEP BEEP). And singing.
LOTTIE: You got me a present?
GIF: Of course. It’s Christmas. I love Christmas. (BEEP BEEP) It’s the only time of year I get to see my brother AND my sister together. I didn’t appreciate having you both around when he still lived at home, but now I kind of miss it.
LOTTIE: I didn’t realize you like Matthew that much.
GIF: He’s family. (Robot Voice) Shutting down.
LOTTIE: Dang it. Okay, back to 2017 I guess.
[TIME MACHINE FAILS TO OPEN; FIZZLES]
LOTTIE: Huh, that’s weird.
[TIME MACHINE FAILS TO OPEN; FIZZLES]
MATTHEW: Need some help?
LOTTIE: Matthew. How did you find me?
MATTHEW: GIF sent me a text before his battery died.
LOTTIE: What’s it say?
MATTHEW: “Dear Matthew, I’ve broken our time machine. It’s up to you to bring Lottie back to 2017.”
MATTHEW: Hold on. We’re not going anywhere until you tell me why you keep trying to get rid of me.
LOTTIE: I don’t keep trying to get rid of you.
MATTHEW: Yes you do. And we’re not going anywhere until you tell me why.
LOTTIE: Stop playing games. We need to go.
MATTHEW: No.
LOTTIE: Give me your Time Turner—
[ELECTRIC SHOCK]
LOTTIE: Ow! What happened?
MATTHEW: You broke it! You broke it and now we’re both stuck here!
LOTTIE: Why didn’t you just give it to me?
MATTHEW: Sorry for trying to bond with you!
LOTTIE: No you weren’t. You were just trying to make me feel bad. You always have to be the better person.
MATTHEW: That’s not true. You’re better than me at a lot of things.
LOTTIE: Like what?
MATTHEW: Like… getting stuck in places you shouldn’t be. That classroom… 19th Century London…
LOTTIE: This is funny to you?
MATTHEW: Come on, stop being so mad. We’re scientists. We can build another time machine and be back home in time for dinner.
LOTTIE: It’s the 19th Century, Matthew. We don’t have the resources to make another time machine.
[SLEIGH SOUND; JINGLE BELLS]
MATTHEW: Uh… Lottie...
LOTTIE: We need plutonium, we need a carburetor… We need a miracle!
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho!
LOTTIE: Gif, I said stop with the Santa filter!
MATTHEW: Lottie, Gif’s battery is dead, remember?
LOTTIE: Then who—
SANTA: I said Ho Ho Ho!
LOTTIE: SANTA?!
SANTA: Indeed, it is I. I sensed some trouble and decided to stop in.
LOTTIE: Wait a second, I thought you were a Greek saint - Saint Nicholas. You don’t sound Greek.
SANTA: Oh dear, I was born to a Greek family in the Roman Empire in the year 270, but that was many years ago and I’ve been all over the world since then! My accent’s changed a little, I guess. But one thing has always been the same: I bring gifts. And today, I have just the thing for you.
[TIME MACHINE HUMMING]
LOTTIE: Is that—
MATTHEW: —A working time machine?
SANTA: It is, but there’s a catch. This time machine isn’t powered by science. No, this time machine is powered by love.
MATTHEW & LOTTIE: Ew. Barf.
SANTA: Learn to love each other and you can go home. Go on. Matthew, you start.
MATTHEW: You’re joking.
SANTA: Santa Claus doesn’t joke. Apologize to your sister and tell her how you really feel.
MATTHEW: Fine. Lottie, I’m sorry if I make you feel insecure. The only reason I put you down is because I’m— I— I’m kind of jealous of you. Your podcast is like, so, so great. You built GIF before I even finished middle school, and he’s, like, the coolest. You’re funny and smart and clever… Everyone was always comparing me to you when I grew up. That’s why I went to college out of state. To start new in a place where no one could compare me to you. You’re amazing and I love you.
SANTA: What do you have to say, Lottie?
LOTTIE: (Teary) I— I love you too. All I’ve ever wanted is to be your friend.
[TIME PORTAL OPENS]
SANTA (Voice changes): Yay! Now everyone can go home and celebrate Christmas!
LOTTIE: Santa? What happened to your voice?
SANTA: Oh, jeez. Gif, the jig is up.
GIF: Thanks anyway, Mike.
MATTHEW: What’s going on here?
GIF: Isn’t it obvious? I faked my battery dying to get you both here, broke the time machine, gave a replacement to Mike and had him pretend to be Santa to get a confession out of both of you. It was a simple plan, really.
MATTHEW & LOTTIE: (Shout insults at GIF)
GIF: Yay! Family! Just like old times! Let’s go home!
LOTTIE: Did you really get me a gift at least?
GIF: The gift of love.
LOTTIE: You’re the worst.
[TIME PORTAL CLOSES]
[TIME TURNERS THEME]
LOTTIE: This is Lottie…
GIF: This is GIF…
MATTHEW: And this is Matthew Turner.
LOTTIE: And we’re the Time Turners.
GIF: Thanks for listening to Season 1 of our show.
LOTTIE: We hoped you enjoyed it as much as we did.
MATTHEW: Don’t forget to leave us a review on iTunes if you enjoyed the show.
GIF: You can count it as our Christmas gift.
MATTHEW: Stay subscribed and we’ll see you soon.
LOTTIE: In the future!
Episode 8: Sarah Josepha Hale, The Mother of Thanksgiving
Nov 23, 2017
Produced and Written by Eric Jaffe
Starring:
Kate Wright as Lottie & Sarah Josepha Hale
Eric Jaffe as Gif
Sound Design by Trae Budde
"Time Turners Theme" by Daniel Hildreth
FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
LOTTIE: Hello, Time Cadets! This is Lottie—
GIF: —and this is GIF.
LOTTIE: And we’re finally back!
(Applause)
GIF: Thank you, thank you.
LOTTIE: Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Where have you been?” Well, I’ll let GIF explain...
GIF: We ran out of money.
LOTTIE: (Whispers) No, give them the answer we rehearsed.
GIF: We’ve been working extra hard on a very special holiday episode.
LOTTIE: Yes! It’s going to be longer, funnier, more action-packed and—
GIF: Expensive.
LOTTIE: And bigger than ever before. But, yes, like GIF said, it’s also going to be more expensive. Lots of guests means lots of oil for the time machine and lots of oil for the time machine means lots of expenses.
GIF: Money, money, money.
LOTTIE: So, if you’re feeling generous, we would really appreciate your support. Just go to www.patreon.com/timeturners and donate as much or as little as you’d like. Every dollar counts.
GIF: And every donation of $10 or more will get a very special gift from me and Lottie in 2018. What is it? Donate to find out.
LOTTIE: That website again was P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot come slash time turners.
GIF: I also put a link on our Instagram page and in the show notes, so follow @timeturnerspod on Instagram today to get the latest updates.
LOTTIE: Anyway, you didn’t come here for announcements: You came here for history and, today, we have a doozy. GIF, you’ve been researching for today’s episode for five weeks now, why don’t you tell just what you know about Thanksgiving?
GIF: Just about everything there is to know. It all started in when the Pilgrims and the Native Americans decided to together for brunch. Someone was like, “Let’s have a salad.” And someone else was like, “Salad?! That’s not very celebratory,” so instead they had turkey and everyone went home with a full tummy. They were so thankful that they skipped salad that they decided to celebrate the decision every year with a national holiday. And that’s why, on the fourth Thursday of every year, we skip the salad and get real fat for Thanksgiving!
LOTTIE: Uhhhhhh… no.
GIF: Okay, fine, I didn’t have time to research. Are you happy now?
LOTTIE: What have you been doing for the past month?
GIF: Playing Mario Odyssey.
LOTTIE: Okay, just bring in today’s guest.
GIF: Ladies and gentleman, the creator of Thanksgiving: Sarah Josepha Hale!
[TIME PORTAL]
SARAH JOSEPHA HALE: Oh, hello.
LOTTIE: Wait a second, you don’t look like a pilgrim. Gif, are you sure this is the creator of Thanksgiving?
GIF: That’s what Wikipedia said.
LOTTIE: I told you Wikipedia isn’t a reliable source. Send her back.
[TIME PORTAL.]
SARAH: Back?! Wait, why?!
LOTTIE: Sorry, Miss Hale, we’re looking for the creator of Thanksgiving.
SARAH: But that’s me!
LOTTIE: Yeah, okay. Nice try, lady, but I’m an expert in accents over history and, frankly, you sound more like a magazine editor from 1827 than a pilgrim from 1609. Sorry.
SARAH: Well, I am a magazine editor from 1827! But I also created Thanksgiving. I also wrote Mary Had a Little Lamb and founded the Seamen’s Aid Society and… Sorry, I don’t usually talk about myself this much. I just really, really want to be on this podcast.
GIF: You know about Time Turners?
SARAH: Yes, your interview with President Polk was a real inspiration to me.
GIF: Who’s President Polk?
SARAH: The 11th President of the United States.
LOTTIE: We interviewed President Polk?
SARAH: Well, no, not yet. You will in the future. But your future interviews with my associates are also in my past. Does that make sense?
LOTTIE: No?
SARAH: Mr. Polk told me that you told him you’d already spoken to me but I knew you hadn’t, at least not before 1925, so the only reasonable assumption was that that one day you’d be speaking to me before him in the future. Look, I even have a note from him.
[PASSES NOTE]
LOTTIE: “Dear Lottie, See you in season two! Do the Hokie-Polk-ie! (You’ll get that later!) Love, Polka-Polk.” Wow.
GIF: Time travel is confusing.
SARAH: Tell me about it, girl.
LOTTIE: Okay, so you created Thanksgiving. How? What? Who? Sorry, I’m just so confused.
SARAH: Perhaps I should start at the beginning.
GIF: After this break!
[“Talking to Myself” advertisement]
LOTTIE: And we’re back. Today’s guest is Sarah Josepha Hale, the creator of Thanksgiving.
SARAH: Actually, that’s a little misleading. I didn’t “create” Thanksgiving. I just help establish it as a national holiday. You see, back in 1837, I was given the chance to edit Godey’s Magazine.
LOTTIE: I’ve heard of that.
SARAH: As you should have. In my time, Godey’s was considered the “queen of monthly publications.” We were the most-read magazine in America before the Civil War.
GIF: What’s a magazine?
LOTTIE: It’s like the internet on paper.
GIF: Oh!
LOTTIE: Sorry, Sarah. Please, continue.
SARAH: As I was saying, I was the editor of a popular magazine. But, more importantly, I was a mother to four incredible children. My husband, David, had passed several years earlier, so, in addition to being an editor, I was also a full-time parent. It was a difficult, busy time in my life, but I loved my work and I loved my family. That’s why I chose to use my position as editor to bring families together with a national holiday.
LOTTIE: How did you do that?
SARAH: Every November for 17 years, I’d write an editorial in Godey’s celebrating Thanksgiving as a time to gather families and give thanks. I’d list recipes, suggest attire, provide decor shopping lists. I was like Oprah. President Polk told me about her, too. He’s a big fan.
GIF: Were you the one who chose to make Thanksgiving on a Thursday?
SARAH: I was. I chose Thursday because it gave us ladies enough time to prepare a fantastic meal and still have enough time to prepare the traditional weekly Sunday dinner! You’re welcome, Lottie.
LOTTIE: I don’t even know how to use a microwave.
GIF: Why didn’t the men cook?
[SARAH laughs.]
SARAH: You’re killing me, Gif.
GIF: Okay?
LOTTIE: So you just wrote these magazine editorials and then “poof” we have a holiday?
SARAH: No, no. I wrote letters to five separate president, including our mutual friend Polk.
GIF: Who?
LOTTIE & SARAH: The 11th President of the United States!
LOTTIE: Why doesn’t anyone ever remember Polk?
SARAH: Probably because he wasn’t the President to declare Thanksgiving a national holiday.
LOTTIE: Who did?
SARAH: Mr. Abraham Lincoln.
LOTTIE: Oh my god! Was he as cute as he is in pictures?
SARAH: Lottie, you wouldn’t believe it. So tall, so honest…
GIF: Can we get back to the topic at hand, please?
LOTTIE: Oh right, so Abraham Lincoln declared this fake event a national holiday because....
SARAH: Well, America had just gotten through the Civil War. I wrote Abe telling him this was a chance to bring the North and the South together to celebrate patriotism and patch up the wounds left by the battle.
LOTTIE: Did it work?
SARAH: You tell me: Are the North and South unified in your time?
LOTTIE: Yes.
GIF: No.
LOTTIE: People are always fighting on Twitter.
GIF: And in the news.
LOTTIE: And basically everywhere all the time.
SARAH: Sounds like Thanksgiving is just what the country needs.
LOTTIE: I guess so.
SARAH: Anger is overrated. At your dinner this Thanksgiving, tell your family you appreciate them. It’ll go a long way.
LOTTIE: Thanks, Sarah.
GIF: Did you really write Mary Had a Little Lamb?
SARAH: I did. Want to sing it with me before I go?
LOTTIE: Let’s do it!
[Mary Had a Little Lamb]
FADE OUT:
GIF: Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Time Turners.
LOTTIE: Stay tuned for a Christmas special.
GIF: And don’t forget to donate on our Patreon!
LOTTIE: See you in the future!
Episode 7: Grace O'Malley, The Pirate Queen of Ireland
Sep 28, 2017
Episode 7: Grace O'Malley, The Pirate Queen of Ireland
Produced and Written by Eric Jaffe
Starring:
Kate Wright as Lottie
Eric Jaffe as Gif
Jenna Bryson as Grace O'Malley
Casey Leach as Richard Bingham
Sound Design by Trae Budde
"Time Turners Theme" by Daniel Hildreth
TRANSCRIPT
EXT. THE COAST OF IRELAND We hear the SEA, the sound of LABORERS moving cargo.
LOTTIE: Ahoy, Time Cadets! This is Lottie Turner, and you’re listening to Time Turners, the podcast where me and my robot Gif go back in time to meet historical figures and bring you all of yesterday’s news today.
GIF: On today's show, we’ve gone all the way to 16th Century Ireland to loot ships and kick butts!
LOTTIE: Well, no, we’re not looting ships. Grace O’Malley is.
GIF: And we’re her trusty pirate comrades! Listen to my sword! Huh, huh, hyah!
Gif accidentally THROWS his sword. We hear a cartoon WHISTLE.
GIF: Uh oh.
PIRATE: Ow! My leg!
GIF: He’ll be okay.
GRACE: Hey, what’s going on over here?
LOTTIE: Sorry, Captain Grace. Gif was—
GIF: I threw my sword.
LOTTIE (face-palms): Dang it, Gif.
GRACE: Men, make that weird metal boy walk the plank.
GIF: Oh, boy, a diving board. I love swimming. Wooooo!
[SPLASH.]
GRACE: Good riddance.
BANG. A CANON misses the ship.
GRACE: Mother of Mary, the British have spotted us! Grab your weapons, everyone!
PORTAL OPENS.
GRACE: Hey! Where are you going?
LOTTIE: Sorry, Gif and I aren’t really the fighting types. But don’t worry. You’ll win this without us.
GIF: It said so in our history textbook.
GRACE: What the— We threw you overboard!
GIF: I swam back!
GRACE: How- I-
LOTTIE: See you in the future!
Portal closes.
BOOM. Another CANNON blast.
GRACE: Well… ON TO BATTLE.
THEME SONG. The following dialogue plays OVER THE THEME.
LOTTIE: On today’s episode of Time Turners, Gif and I meet Grace O’Malley.
GIF: She was a self-made businesswoman...
LOTTIE: A loving mother and wife…
GIF: … and a pirate who controlled the waters of County Mayo for over 40 years.
Theme ends. Over silence:
LOTTIE: But, before she was the Sea Queen of Connacht, she was just an itty bitty baby.
INT. CASTLE [A baby is BORN. It CRIES.]
OWEN: What a beautiful little child.
MAEVE: I’ll call her: Grace.
PORTAL OPENS.
LOTTIE: Grace O’Malley was born in the 1530s. Her father, Owen O’Malley, was a wealthy sea trader and the chieftan of Clan O’Malley.
MAEVE: I’m sorry, who are you and what are you doing in my castle?
GIF: What’s a sea trader, Lottie?
LOTTIE: Owen, do you want to answer that?
OWEN: Oh, yeah, sure. A sea trader brings crops and livestock from one land to another. For example, I might bring some fish from Galway to Spain, where I sell them for a boat-load of coin—no pun intended.
MAEVE: We O’Malleys also charge a toll to anyone who tries to sail through our bay. You can’t travel through our waters without paying a fee.
LOTTIE: At least that’s what they do for now. What the O’Malleys don’t know is that King Henry VIII of England is about to declare himself King of Ireland and, when he does, the English will use all of their might to dismantle the clan system in Ireland and strip the clan leaders of their power.
OWEN: What?
LOTTIE: Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.
GIF: What’s the clan system?
PORTAL OPENS.
LOTTIE: Good question. I know just the person to ask.
MAEVE: Hold on, you can’t just—
GIF: Congrats on the baby!
INT. OFFICE - DAY RICHARD: Hello, my name is Richard Bingham and I’m the governor of Connacht.
LOTTIE: Can you explain the Irish clan system to us?
RICHARD: Indeed, I can. You see, before the English brought civilization to Ireland, the Irish organized themselves by kinship groups. For instance, what’s your name, little boy?
GIF: Gif.
RICHARD: And your last name?
GIF: [Fax machine noise].
RICHARD: Okay, I can’t pronounce that. How about you, little girl?
LOTTIE: Lottie Turner.
RICHARD: Okay, so you, Miss Lottie, might be a member of the O’Turner Clan. The “O” in Irish names means “descendant of.” Your clan would be made up of your family, but also other families that are closely tied to your own. In a way, it’s like you’re playing for the same team. And, like a team, you’d have a chieftain, or a leader, and they would be responsible for maintaining and protecting the clan and its property. Everyone would work together to further the team’s interests, whether those be in business or battle.
GIF: That seems fun.
RICHARD: Ha! Not at all. Those savages are always feuding, and intermarrying, and vying for domination. They’re far too concerned with following their chieftains when they need to be following the English Crown instead. And by Crown I mean me… and the Queen.
LOTTIE: Huh?
RICHARD: You see, I was appointed by the Queen Elizabeth I of England in 1584 to govern this land. I came here to make it nice and tidy for British settlers.
GIF: Isn’t this Irish land?
RICHARD: Irish land is English land now. But unfortunately, the Clans are an unruly bunch. They have to be tamed with swords, not words.
LOTTIE: Is Grace O’Malley one of those unruly people?
RICHARD: Grace O’Malley is the worst of all— a nurse to all rebellions in the province. She attacks our ships on Clew Bay, taxes men who sail the coast...
LOTTIE: But she’s so cool...
RICHARD: Be careful, my dear. You’re starting to sound like a traitor. You’re not a traitor, are you?
LOTTIE: What? No. We love the English.
GIF: Oh, I get it. He’s the bad guy in this story.
LOTTIE: Be quiet, Gif.
RICHARD: Grab them, guards!
LOTTIE: Gotta go!
EXT. THE COAST OF IRELAND - DAY [PORTAL. We’re back on the sea.]
GRACE: Oh, look who it is, the little girl with the weird accent and her machine boy. Thanks for jumping ship when the battle started.
LOTTIE: We knew you’d be okay.
GIF: You’re not going to throw me overboard again, are you?
GRACE: Not if ye keep your mouth shut and your sword sheathed. GIF: I don’t have a sword.
GRACE: Even better then.
LOTTIE: So, where are we headed?
GRACE: You wouldn’t believe it, but that bloody English governor imprisoned my son Theobald for treason.
LOTTIE: No way!
GRACE: Yes way. First, the English come here, confiscate my cattle and seize my ships. Now they lock away my son for fighting a government that shouldn’t be here in the first place? No chance. I’ll burn them to the ground. I’ll hold this land by any means necessary!
LOTTIES: Have you considered sending the governor a letter?
GRACE: You think I haven’t tried that? Letters mean nothing to such a man. Besides, I already sent one to the Queen.
GIF: You think the Queen is going to listen to a pirate?!
GRACE: I thought that at first, but then I thought, Why not just give it a try? I mean, what would make Richard more upset than to know his Queen sided with me over him? I’ll destroy that shipwreck of a man. I love it. Land ho!
[Grace STOMPS OFF.]
GIF: She’s not really going to meet the queen, is she?
[PORTAL.]
LOTTIE: Let’s see.
INT. CASTLE ROYAL HORNS open the scene.
QUEEN ELIZABETH: So you’re the pirate I’ve heard so much about.
GRACE: Indeed, I am.
GIF: No. Freaking. Way.
LOTTIE: Shhh. This is history. Just listen.
QUEEN ELIZABETH: Will you not bow?
GRACE: No, for I am just as much a queen as you are.
[GASPS.]
QUEEN ELIZABETH: You’ve caused my men much grief. I’ve been urged not to take your audience. Why do you wish to speak?
GRACE: I come offering a deal. You release my son and pay me and my men, and we will fight your enemies. We’ll be allies. What do you say?
[Nail-biting silence.]
QUEEN ELIZABETH: I like the sound of that.
GIF: YAY!
QUEEN ELIZABETH: What is that silver boy thing doing here?
GRACE: You again? What is it with you? Men! Take him to the ship!
GIF: Uh oh. Time to go, Lottie.
LOTTIE: Nah, I kind of want to see them make you walk the plank again.
GIF: You’ve gone mad with power.
PORTAL.
INT. LAB GIF and LOTTIE return.
LOTTIE: Ah. Nothing like coming back to 2017 to kick back and relax. What did we learn today, GIF?
GIF: That even pirates can be good sometimes.
LOTTIE: That’s right. No one is ever all bad.
GIF: Except for the English.
LOTTIE (awkward): That’s not true. You love One Direction!
GIF: That’s what English people are? Nevermind then.
LOTTIE: Anyway, to hear more of our time travel adventures, subscribe to this podcast wherever podcasts are found.
GIF: And don’t forget to become an official Time Cadet by supporting us on Patreon.
LOTTIE: This month, we’re picking one lucky donor to choose the topic for an upcoming adventure.
GIF: See you next week.
LOTTIE: In the future!
Episode 6: William Shakespeare
Sep 14, 2017
Episode 6: William Shakespeare
Written and Produced by Eric Jaffe
Starring:
Kate Wright as Lottie
Eric Jaffe as Gif
Casey Leach as William Shakespare
Sound Design by Trae Budde
"Time Turners Theme" by Daniel Hildreth
TRANSCRIPTION
LOTTIE: Hello, Time Cadets! This is Lottie Turner and you’re listening to Time Turners, the podcast where me and my robot Gif go back in time to meet historical figures and bring you all of yesterday’s news today!
GIF: Roses are red, violets are— Oh. Sorry, I was looking at the wrong note.
LOTTIE: Wait, no, what was that?
GIF: Nothing.
LOTTIE: Manual override. Gif, what was that?
GIF (robotic): A love letter I’m working on. (Normal voice) Hey, you said you’d only use the manual override in an emergency!
LOTTIE: Gif’s first crush is an emergency!
GIF: Robots don’t have crushes. I just admire her hardware.
LOTTIE: Gross.
GIF: Can we just move on?
LOTTIE: No way. What’s her name? Where’s she from? What’s your poem say?
GIF: On today’s show, we’re going back in time to—
LOTTIE: Manual override: What’s the poem say?
GIF (robotic): Roses are red, violets are blue, I like video games, I also like you. (Normal) Stop that!
LOTTIE: Okay fine. We’re talk about this later. On today’s show, we’re—
GIF: Wait, hold on.
LOTTIE: What?
GIF: Did you like the poem?
LOTTIE: It was… cute.
GIF: You sound hesitant.
LOTTIE: It’s just a little cliche is all. And I’m not sure what liking video games has to do with anything.
GIF: I don’t know. I just like video games.
LOTTIE: But this poem isn’t about you! It’s about her!
GIF: Like you’re the expert in love. You haven’t even been on a date before!
LOTTIE: Not true. I shared chocolate milk with Max Allman once in the 3rd grade.
GIF: I thought Max Allman stole milk from everyone back then.
LOTTIE: Yeah, but he stole from me the most! Whatever. If you won't take my advice, I think I know someone you might. Ladies and gentleman, William Shakespeare!
PORTAL.
SHAKESPEARE: Heigh-ho, where am I? Who art thee?
LOTTIE: Welcome to the future, Mr. Shakespeare. My name is Lottie and this is my my robot friend Gif.
SHAKESPEARE: 2017? How camest I hither?
GIF: What’s he saying?
LOTTIE: To be honest, I’m not always sure. Shakespeare is a master wordsmith. He wrote some of the most successful plays of all time. There’s Romeo & Juliet, Macbeth, Othello, King Lear, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Hamlet…
SHAKESPEARE: Ah yes, I wrote for the theater for quite some time. At least until the plague arrived. Rats and filth were spreading disease in the cities, so theaters and other public spaces were closed down. Without business, the theaters were forced to close, and so I switched to poetry - Sonnets to be exact.
GIF: What’s a sonnet?
SHAKESPEARE: It’s a poem with fourteen lines that follows a strict rhyme scheme and specific structure.
GIF: Why fourteen?
SHAKESPEARE: No one knows to be honest. I guess it just felt right.
LOTTIE: That’s odd.
SHAKESPEARE: Actually, it’s even. Maybe that’s why it rounds out so nicely. Anyway, my most humble apology - why has't thee brought me to this place?
LOTTIE: Gif is writing a poem to a girl he likes. We thought you might be able to help him.
SHAKESPEARE: Ah, poetry. I’m overjoyed to lend my assistance.
LOTTIE: Show him what you’ve got, Gif.
GIF: Okay. “Roses are red, violets are blue…”
SHAKESPEARE: No, no, the read is all wrong. This is theater! Readeth with passion!
GIF: Roses are red! Violets are blue!
SHAKESPEARE: Well now, let’s just start over, shall we? What doth thee love about this wench?
GIF: Well, she’s very pretty, incredibly smart—
SHAKESPEARE: I see, but thou can never be together because the lady is not a machine and her family thinkest you a loathed enemy?
GIF: No, not really. I’m just too nervous to speak to her.
SHAKESPEARE: Because she is a well-born lady and would never speaketh to peasant like you?
GIF: You think I’m a peasant?
SHAKESPEARE: Where’s the drama? What’s the story?
LOTTIE: Tell him how you and the lady met, Gif.
GIF: We met in the kitchen. I was taking a break from work when I saw her in the kitchen playing music.
LOTTIE: She works at the lab?!
GIF: Yeah.
SHAKESPEARE: Love at first sight. Ah, the excitement. What kind of music?
GIF: Hip-hop, I think.
SHAKESPEARE: I have never heard of this.
LOTTIE: It’s like poetry over music. You’d like it.
SHAKESPEARE: Very interesting. Gif, didst thou converse with the lady?
GIF: No, I tried to talk to her but my wires got all tied up.
SHAKESPEARE: Well now, methinks we have enough to begin with. Gif— Wait, is it Gif or Gif?
GIF: Gif.
SHAKESPEARE: Gif, get out a pen. Today, we write from the heart.
LOTTIE: Yay!
GIF: What if I don’t have a heart? Like, literally.
SHAKESPEARE: Nonsense. Even a robot like yourself has a heart. To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
GIF: I have no idea what that means.
LOTTIE: It’s from Hamlet. It means be true to yourself and people will see your heart.
SHAKESPEARE: What she said. We shall writeth in iambic pentameter.
GIF: What’s iambic pantsameter?
SHAKESPEARE: It’s how I write my plays and sonnets. Imagine a human heart beat. What’s the sound?
GIF: Da-DUM.
SHAKESPEARE: Aye! That’s the rhythm of our poetry. Ten beats per line. Do it with me!
GIF & SHAKESPEARE: Da-DUM. Da-DUM. Da-DUM.
SHAKESPEARE: Keepeth going. And listen to me.
GIF: Da-DUM. Da-DUM. Da-DUM.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I / com PARE/ thee TO / a SUM / mer's DAY? Thou ART / more LOVE / ly AND / more TEM / per ATE. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.
GIF: There. That was great. Can we just use that and call it a day?
SHAKESPEARE: Nonsense. You need to speak from your self. Go on, give it a try. Da-DUM. Da-DUM. Da-DUM.
GIF: Shall I/ com PARE/ thee TO/ a VI / deo GAME? Thou VOICE/ more LOVE/ ly AND/ more MUS / i CAL.
SHAKESPEARE: Amazing! Great work, Gif! Original and well spoken.
LOTTIE: All he did was take your sonnet and change the words!
SHAKESPEARE: In my day, originality is just perfecting the art of retelling, my dear. Now, come on, Gif, let’s keep going.
GIF: Okay. Shall I/ com PARE/ thee TO/ a VI / deo GAME? Thou VOICE/ more LOVE/ ly AND/ more MUS / i CAL. Before you, making toast was so lame. Now I look forward to being in your— Nothing rhymes with musical.
SHAKESPEARE: How about fusical?
LOTTIE: What’s that mean?
SHAKESPEARE: Whatever you want it to mean.
GIF: You want me to just make up a word?
SHAKESPEARE: I did it all the time. About 3000 times actually.
LOTTIE: Okay, I’m not sure we should be making up words here.
SHAKESPEARE: The lady doth protest too much, methinks. I’ve created many words: fashionable, majestic, blanket, even swagger. If a word didn’t exist to say what I wanted to say, I’d just make it up.
LOTTIE: I don’t think you can really get away with that today.
SHAKESPEARE: What doth thou suggest?
LOTTIE: Maybe Gif should just talk to this girl?
SHAKESPEARE: Talk? Lord, what fools these mortals be! Talk is nothing - Poetry is the language of the heart!
GIF: Yeah! What he said!
LOTTIE: Gif, do you even like poetry?
GIF: Not really. It’s boring.
LOTTIE: Then just talk to her.
SHAKESPEARE: I believeth not what I am hearing. My playing company and I once stole an entire theater just to keep our plays and poetry alive! Gif, if we could steal that theatre piece by piece and build the world-renowned Globe Theatre from its timber, you can write one great poem.
LOTTIE: Uhhhhh.
SHAKESPEARE: Try again. Da-DUM. Da-DUM. Da-DUM.
GIF: I THINK. I’ll JUST. Go TALK. To HER. o KAY?
SHAKESPEARE: Perfect! That was— Wait. Art thou serious?
GIF: I’m sorry, Mr. Shakespeare, but I don’t think robots were meant to tell poetry.
SHAKESPEARE: Don’t worry, I understand. Sorry I was so intense. It’s just difficult to get people to pay attention to poetry anymore.
LOTTIE: That’s not true.
SHAKESPEARE (losing his voice): Of course it is. Why else would you still be talking about my work in 2017? I thought Gif could be the one to bring poetry back to young people.
GIF: What about hip-hop music?
SHAKESPEARE: What about it?
LOTTIE: Gif’s right. Even if people don’t read poetry any more, hip-hop is one of the most popular genres of music on the planet. Some rappers even write in iambic pentameter!
SHAKESPEARE: Really? Like whom?
LOTTIE: How about Eminem?
EMINEM (Sample): His PALMS are SWEATy, KNEES weak, ARMS are HEAVy There's VOmit ON his SWEATer alREADy, mom's spaGHETTi, He's NERVous, but ON the SURFace he LOOKS calm and READy To DROP BOMBS, but HE keeps ON forGETtin.
SHAKESPEARE: Wow. That was perfect iambic pentameter.
LOTTIE: It is. It’s also one of the most successful songs of all time.
SHAKESPEARE: Wow, I guess things aren’t so bad for poetry afterall.
LOTTIE: Not at all.
GIF: I think I’m going to try talking to her now. Can we wrap this up now? Get it, “rap”?
SHAKESPEARE: Of course. I shall see thee in the future.
LOTTIE: Thanks for coming.
[PORTAL.]
LOTTIE: Bye!
GIF: He was weird.
LOTTIE: Yeah, but he was pretty talented.
GIF: So what do you think I should say to Alexa?
LOTTIE: Speak from the heart. Tell— Wait, Alexa?
GIF: Yeah.
LOTTIE: Alexa as in our Amazon Alexa?!
GIF: She plays the most incredible music.
LOTTIE: Gif! She’s inanimate.
GIF: Hey, that’s offensive!
LOTTIE: Ugh.
GIF: Thanks for listening to Time Turners.
LOTTIE: Don’t forget to stay up to date with our adventures by subscribing to our show on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts.
GIF: See you next week!
LOTTIE: In the future!
Episode 5: Nanny of the Maroons
Sep 07, 2017
Episode 5: Nanny of the Maroons
Written and Produced by Eric Jaffe
Starring:
Kate Wright as Lottie
Eric Jaffe as Gif
Wonoh Massaquoi as Queen Nanny
Sound Design by Trae Budde
"Time Turners Theme" by Daniel Hildreth
EPISODE TRANSCRIPTION
EXT. JAMAICAN JUNGLE - NIGHT CRITTERS move about, but it’s peaceful.
LOTTIE: Hello, Time Cadets. This is Lottie Turners and you’re listening to Time Turners, the podcast where me and my robot Gif—
GIF: Lose our time machine and get stuck in 18th century Jamaica?
LOTTIE: We didn’t lose our time machine; I just don’t know where I left it.
GIF: I don’t know what you humans call it, but in machine, that’s called being lost.
LOTTIE: No, lost means I don’t know where it is, but I do know.
GIF: Where is it then?
LOTTIE: Somewhere between where we are now and where we were yesterday. Stop worrying about it so much. When have I ever let you down?
GIF: When you forgot my half-birthday present last week.
LOTTIE: No one gets gifts on their half-birthday!
GIF: You do.
LOTTIE: Only on leap years!
We hear a FIRE CRACKLE.
GIF: Oh, look, that field is on fire.
LOTTIE: Finally, she’s here!
GIF: Who is?
LOTTIE: Queen Nanny.
GIF: Queen Nanny? Is she a queen or a nanny?
LOTTIE: Nanny is her name! Queen Nanny is a Jamaican National Hero. She was brought to here as a slave from West Africa, but she and her brothers escaped from slavery and hid deep in the Blue Mountains. Then, they formed hidden communities where escaped slaves could live as free men and women.
GIF: What’s her village called?
LOTTIE: Nanny Town.
GIF: Very creative.
LOTTIE: Hey, show a little respect. We’re talking about a woman who survived slavery and dedicated her life to freeing slaves in Jamaica. You see that fire? That’s coming from a plantation. Nanny and her Maroons are burning it down to distract the owners while they free the slaves.
GIF: Whoa.
LOTTIE: Yeah. Still think Nanny Town is a lame name?
GIF: Sorry, I’m just a little irritated about being stuck in 1734 is all.
NANNY: Stuck? Who is stuck?
GIF: We’re— Wait, who said that?
NANNY: Behind you.
LOTTIE: (Gasps) Oh my Einstein! You’re Nanny!
NANNY: Yes, and who are you?
LOTTIE: I’m Lottie. This Gif.
GIF: We lost our time machine.
LOTTIE: We didn’t lose it! We just misplaced it is all.
NANNY: Well you’ve found the right woman. No one knows the jungle better than the Maroon. Come. You’ll stay in Nanny Town tonight. We’ll find your time thing tomorrow.
LOTTIE: Oh, we couldn’t possibly ask that you—
GIF: Yay! I call top bunk.
LOTTIE: Uh oh. Here we go.
THEME SONG.
EXT. NANNY TOWN - EVENING STEPS UPHILL.
LOTTIE (Exhausted): I’m dying. This is the end. This is how I go.
GIF: I’ve never been so happy not to have lungs.
LOTTIE: Why does Nanny Town have to be so high in the mountains?
NANNY: How else could we see the British coming?
GIF: Oh, here we go: Another story about bad British people.
NANNY: Not just British. First we were enslaved by the Spanish.
LOTTIE: Do the British attack often?
NANNY: They try, but they come at us and are no match for our skill and cleverness in this difficult terrain. They declared war on us in 1728 and we beat them easily. The English know the roads and the towns, but the Maroons know the jungles of the Blue Mountains. Here, we’re unstoppable.
GIF: Nanny, what’s a Maroon?
NANNY: You’re not from around here, are you? Maroons are African slaves that escaped and formed their own settlements away from their oppressors. This is just one of many such communities found all across Jamaica.
LOTTIE: Do you ever wish you could live outside the jungle?
NANNY: Not while the slavers are here. The jungle is dangerous, but at least we are free. Now go get some sleep. We’ll rise early to find your machine.
GIF: Where are our beds?
NANNY: Beds? No, you’ll be sleeping on the floor.
GIF: Oh.
EXT. NANNY TOWN - EVENING Click.
LOTTIE (whispering): Hello, this is Lottie.
GIF: And this is Gif.
LOTTIE (whispering): And we’re having trouble sleeping.
GIF: It’s cold and wet and—
LOTTIE (whispering): Shhh. I think I heard a panther.
GIF: They don’t have panthers in Jamaica.
LOTTIE: You can’t possibly know that.
NANNY (announcing): Hello, children, it’s time to wake up!
LOTTIE: What?! It’s still dark out.
NANNY: It’s never too early to start picking the day’s harvest.
LOTTIE: Gif, you go help. I’m going back to sleep.
NANNY: Nonsense. We have to work hard to support our community.
LOTTIE: But he’s a robot! He can do things at a thousands times the speed that any of us can!
NANNY: Good luck getting him to follow you as a Queen with that kind of attitude. Come on, Gif.
GIF: Yes, my Queen.
LOTTIE: Ugggghhhh. I guess I have some farming to do. Here’s a word from our sponsors.
AD BREAK.
LOTTIE: And we’re back. Gif and I just finished doing what exactly?
NANNY: One of the slaves we saved in last night’s plantation raid was greatly injured in the escape. We’ve picked a special selection of herbs that can heal his wounds and bring him back to full health. In addition to being their leader, I’m also Nanny Town’s physical and spiritual healer.
GIF: I also cut down a tree!
NANNY: Yes, he did that without asking.
LOTTIE: I’m so sorry.
NANNY: It’s okay. We planted two in its place. The herbs and plants will only take care of us if we take care of them.
LOTTIE: That’s beautiful.
NANNY: Now follow me back to Nanny Town. We’ve got wild boar for breakfast.
LOTTIE: I’m not much of a boar eater.
NANNY: No, no, trust me, you’ll love it. We can’t search for your machine on an empty stomach.
GIF: She brings up a good point, Lottie.
LOTTIE: Are you going to eat it?!
GIF: Robots don’t eat.
LOTTIE: You eat all the time!
GIF: Shhh.
BANG. LOTTIE: What was that?! NANNY: The British are attacking Nanny Town!
LOTTIE: Oh no!
FIRE BLAZES. GUNS FIRE. FADE OUT:
EXT. JUNGLE It’s raining.
NANNY: I can’t believe it. Everything we built. It’s all gone. They won’t stop until we’re all slaves again.
LOTTIE: Don’t worry, you’ll start another village. An even better one.
NANNY: I don’t believe you.
GIF: We can show you.
NANNY: How?
PORTAL OPENS.
NANNY: What is that thing?!
GIF: It’s a time portal.
LOTTIE: Gif, you had our machine this whole time?
GIF: Yeah.
LOTTIE: And you’ve been hiding it from me?!
GIF: Yeah.
LOTTIE: Why?!
GIF: I don’t know. I guess I was kind of upset that you forgot my half-birthday.
LOTTIE: Half-birth— GIF! This is a much bigger deal than a half-birthday!
NANNY: Sorry, but can we talk about my village now, please?
GIF: Yeah, you’re right. Step into the portal.
PORTAL CLOSES.
EXT. NEW NANNY TOWN - DAY MAROON MUSIC plays.
NANNY: This is my town?!
GIF: It is.
LOTTIE: In 1739, after almost 80 years of being defeated in battle, the British signed a Peace Treaty with the Maroons. This is your land and your followers are free to live here and to form your own government. Maroons will live here far into the future. In fact, over 1,000 still live here in 2017.
NANNY: Wow. I can’t believe it. I’ll call this place… New Nanny Town.
GIF: Really?
LOTTIE: Shhh. Be quiet, Gif.
NANNY: Thank you for showing me this. It means a lot to know that this fight was not for nothing.
LOTTIE: Time heals all wounds.
NANNY: That’s beautiful. Did you come up with that just now?
LOTTIE: Yeah. As a matter of fact, I did.
GIF: No you didn’t!
LOTTIE (whisper): Let me have this moment, Gif. You owe me.
NANNY: Well, I’ll see you two later. This music has me wanting to move a bit.
LOTTIE: Have fun!
Beat.
LOTTIE: Okay, Gif, time to go!
GIF: Can we stay and dance a little?
LOTTIE: Fine. Consider it a half birthday present.
GIF: Yay!
LOTTIE: Let’s sign off real quick, first.
GIF: Thanks for listening to Time Turners!
LOTTIE: Don’t forget to stay up to date with our adventures by subscribing to our show on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts.
GIF: See you next week!
LOTTIE: In the future!
Episode 4: Marie Curie
Aug 31, 2017
Produced and Written by Eric Jaffe
Starring:
Kate Wright as Lottie
Eric Jaffe as Gif
Jenna Bryson as Marie Curie
TRANSCRIPTION
[Bubbles, beeps, fizzes.]
LOTTIE: Hello, time cadets! Lottie Turner here and you’re listening to Time Turners, the podcast where me and my robot Gif go back in time, meet historical figures and bring you all of yesterday’s news today! Well, at least that’s that’s what we usually do. Unfortunately, Gif’s feeling a bit low on battery.
GIF: Is this what being human feels like?
LOTTIE: The bad news is that Gif is stuck at here at the lab while he recharges. The good news is I have a very special co-host here with me today to help me diagnose him. Ladies and gentleman, Marie Curie! Introduce yourself, Madam.
MARIE: Hello, my name is Marie Curie. I’m just a regular scientist from Poland, nothing special. Now let's get to work.
LOTTIE: Aw, she’s so modest. Marie is a very, very big deal. In 1903, she developed the theory of radiation and became the first woman to win a Nobel Prize in Physics. Then, in 1911, she won another Nobel Prize in Chemistry. She also saved hundreds of lives in World War I, met the president of the United States—
MARIE: Okay, okay, let’s just find out what’s going on with your friend. Do you have an X-ray?
LOTTIE: No, I—
MARIE: No, X-Ray? What kind of a laboratory is this?
LOTTIE: More like a lavatory, am I right? Heh.
MARIE: Okay, it’s no problem. I’ll get one on my own. Be right back.
[PORTAL.]
LOTTIE: How are you going to— We can’t afford one of those!
[PORTAL CLOSES.]
LOTTIE: Oy vey.
GIF: Hey, Lottie.
LOTTIE: Yeah, Gif?
GIF: Where do robots come from?
LOTTIE: Oh boy, Marie, where are you?!
[PORTAL OPENS.]
MARIE: I return with portable x-ray machine. The same kind my daughter and I used in the war.
LOTTIE: Isn’t that expensive?
MARIE: Very, but you can’t put a price on a man’s health. Okay, Gif, hold very still.
GIF: I couldn’t move even if I wanted to.
[X-RAY SCANS. Marie looks at the scan.]
MARIE: Very interesting.
LOTTIE: Is he okay?
MARIE: This boy is all metal!
LOTTIE: Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that. He’s a robot.
MARIE: We’ll have to check his insides.
METAL HATCH OPENS. GLOWING ORB SOUND.
MARIE: Hand me my electrometer.
LOTTIE: Is this the same electrometer you and your husband developed?
MARIE: Indeed it is. It’s how we discovered radiation.
ELECTROMETER BUZZES.
MARIE: Incredible. The boy seems to be radioactive from head-to-toe.
LOTTIE: He’s powered by a nuclear reactor.
MARIE: Amazing. I’ve never seen this much radiation in one place.
LOTTIE: What does that mean, exactly?
MARIE: Place? It’s like a particular spot or time.
LOTTIE: No, radioactive. Sorry if that’s a dumb question.
MARIE: Oh, darling, that’s not dumb at all. In fact, I founded the Radium Institute in Paris to teach about radioactivity to people just like you. Here, have a seat. This is going to take some explaining.
METAL HATCH CLOSES. GLOWING ORB SOUND STOPS.
GIF: What about me?
MARIE: Oh, you’ll be fine a few more minutes. So… What is radiation? To understand, I’ll tell you a little bit about my story. I first became interested in what I would come to call radiation in 1896, when Henri Becquerel discovered that uranium salt would leave a mysterious print on photographic film. It was an interesting effect, but I was particularly fascinated when I learned that the harshness of the print was directly impacted by how much of the element was placed in front of it. This could only mean one thing: Want to guess?
LOTTIE: Uhhhhhh… Because they’re radiated?
MARIE: Exactly. Before this time, people believed atoms couldn’t be manipulated. Oh, do you know what an atom is?
LOTTIE: They’re those little units of matter that make up everything, right?
MARIE: Are you a scientist or something?
LOTTIE (bashful): Yeah.
MARIE: You must have had a great teacher. You know, when I was growing up, I had to attend a secret university for women. Women weren’t allowed to study the sciences in Russian-controlled Poland, so a lot of us had to go off to learn in the shadows. Treasure your education. I wish I had access to what you do today.
LOTTIE: Wow.
MARIE: Anyway, everyone before this time thought atoms were exactly as they were, but Henri’s experiment lead me to believe something else was happening. Imagine an atom: in the nucleus, you have neutrons, which carry no electrical charge—zero charge—and protons, which carry a positive charge. Remember “Neu” is “No,” and “Pro” is “Pro.” As in I’m “pro” science, which is a way of saying my attitudes towards science are positive.
LOTTIE: That’s a really long explanation.
MARIE: You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. Anyway, outside of the nucleus is the electron cloud. Imagine an electric shock. Dangerous, right? Well electrons, like an electric shock, are negative things. See what I did there? Electrons are negative.
GIF: Guys, I think I’m going to vomit. Please help.
LOTTIE: Please, how can you vomit? Robots don’t vomit.
GIF: I’ll find a way.
MARIE: Just a second, dear. We’re almost done. So, back to the science. In general, you have a negative electron cloud and a positive nucleus. Both of those things together make up an atom. But only if the atom is balanced. Imagine a game of tug of war. Two equally strong women pull at opposite ends of rope. One is named Pro and one is named Neu. What happens? And remember: they’re exactly as strong as each other.
LOTTIE: The rope goes nowhere.
MARIE: Exactly, Pro and Neu are in sync. That’s how an atom stays stable. Every atom has a different amount of strong women pulling at ropes, but they’re all built on the same principal. Go strong women.
LOTTIE: Yay!
MARIE: But now, imagine in one of these games, Pro is stronger than Neu. What happens then?
LOTTIE: Neu loses?
MARIE: Yes. Inch-by-inch, Neu’s rope is dragged to the end. She loses. In games, this is fun. In science, this is what my husband and I called “radioactivity.” The nucleus and the protons are at war. The nucleus loses control and starts to die.
LOTTIE: Oh no!
MARIE: Or oh yes! This might sound sad, but radioactive atoms actually have incredible healing capability. In fact, radium, which was one of the elements I discovered through radiation, is used in cancer treatment to this day. Oh, my husband and I took great joy in finding those. Nothing was ever quite as fun as searching for new elements.
LOTTIE: You found a second element too, right? Not just radium.
MARIE: Yes, Polonium. I named Polonium for Poland. I’m from there if you couldn’t tell.
LOTTIE: Is that where that accent is from?! My grandmother’s from Poland.
MARIE: No way. What part?
GIF: Sorry to interrupt, but can you explain what’s wrong with me now?
MARIE: Sure.
[METAL HATCH OPENS AGAIN. GLOWING ORB SOUND.]
MARIE: Hmmm. Okay. That looks normal. No, not that. Oh.
[CLICK.]
GIF: Whoa. I— I feel great.
LOTTIE: What was wrong with him?
MARIE: Ah, his battery just came loose. I had to push it back in.
GIF: Uh oh.
LOTTIE: Gif, I told you to stop messing around with your battery pack!
GIF: But it’s so fun!
MARIE: Well, I guess my job here is done.
LOTTIE: Thanks, Madam Curie.
MARIE: No problem. I’m always happy to help.
PORTAL.
GIF: Wait! Before you go, can I ask a question?
MARIE: Sure.
GIF: Are you a superhero?
MARIE: What?
GIF: In comics, radiation gives people powers.
MARIE: Gif, radiation or not, anyone can be a superhero. The greatest joy in life is easing human suffering. It’s what I dedicated my life to. That’s why I founded the Radium Institute of Paris, and drove mobile x-rays onto the battlefield in the war. We can all be heroes if we try. You too.
GIF: Nah, I’d rather watch Netflix.
MARIE: What is this Netflix?
GIF: It’s where you watch cartoons.
MARIE: What is this cartoons?
LOTTIE: Okay, bye!
MARIE: See you too later!
[PORTAL CLOSES.]
GIF: Well, that was a fun day.
LOTTIE: Really? Your battery pack? Again?
GIF: Thanks for listening to Time Turners—
LOTTIE: Don’t ignore me!
GIF: Don’t forget to leave us a review on iTunes. It’s super important.
LOTTIE: Gif!
GIF: See you next week
Episode 3: Napoleon
Aug 24, 2017
EPISODE 3: NAPOLEON
Produced and Written by Eric Jaffe
Starring:
KATE WRIGHT as LOTTIE
ERIC JAFFE as GIF
and ZACK OGLE as NAPOLÉON
SOUND DESIGN by TRAE BUDDE
RESEARCH by KATE WRIGHT
"TIME TURNERS THEME" by DANIEL HILDRETH
INT. STUDIO - DAY
[A traditional podcast studio. No environmental sound.]
LOTTIE: Hello, Time Cadets! This is Lottie Turner and you’re listening to Time Turners, the podcast where me and my robot Gif go back in time to meet historical figures and bring you all of yesterday’s news today!
GIF: On today’s show we tell the story of French chef Vincent La Chapelle, the creator of the Napoleon!
LOTTIE: What? No. This is about Napoleon the Man, not the Dessert.
GIF: Oh. That’s disappointing.
[PORTAL.]
NAPOLEON: Who are you calling disappointing?!
LOTTIE: Whoa! How did you get here? The portal isn’t supposed to open until I press the button!
NAPOLEON: There’s is no place I can’t conquer, no dimension I cannot escape! Do you wish to do war? Hya!
[A SWORD comes unsheathed.]
LOTTIE: What?! No!
GIF: I put 10 on the french guy.
NAPOLEON: What do you want if not to fight?
LOTTIE: To interview you for our podcast.
NAPOLEON: Interview… me? Oh boy, is this my seat? Hello, friends! Let’s talk.
LOTTIE: You’ve got to introduce yourself first.
NAPOLEON: Of course! Hello, my audience. This is Napoleon, the greatest conqueror who ever lived. I took over most of Europe and wrote the romantic fiction novel Clisson et Eugénie, available today wherever books are sold. Wow, that was my first plug. Another goal off the list for old Napoleon Bonaparte!
GIF: Aren’t you supposed to be short?
NAPOLEON: Short?! Never! That’s English propaganda. They want me to look weak. I’m perfectly average height.
LOTTIE: 5’6 is still pretty short.
NAPOLEON: Not for my time.
GIF: Can you teach me how to ride a horse?
NAPOLEON: Not only can I, but I’d be the best at it. And, no, I won’t.
GIF: Aw.
LOTTIE: Okay, let’s get into the history.
NAPOLEON: Yes, let’s. It all started on Corsica, an island in the Mediterranean Sea. As our nation was perishing, I was born. Thirty thousand Frenchmen spewed onto our shores, drowning the throne of liberty in waves of blood... The cries of the dying, the groans of the oppressed and tears of despair surrounded my cradle from the hour of my birth.
LOTTIE: Okay, we have to move faster than that if we want to end this thing before the commercial br—
GIF: After this commercial break.
[ANNOUNCER comes in. LIGHT MUSIC.]
ANNOUNCER: Today’s episode of Time Turners is sponsored by YOU. Yes, YOU, the person listening to this podcast. To become an official Time Cadet and hear exclusive interviews with Lottie and Gif, go to patreon.com/timeturners and donate today. Don’t have anything to donate? Why not leave us a review on iTunes instead? Send us a screenshot of your review to timeturnerspodcast@gmail.com and Lottie and Gif will send you a personalized thank you letter. Thank you so much for listening and making the future a better place. Now, back to the show.
[ENDS.]
LOTTIE: And we’re back! So Napoleon, tell us a little about your military experience. And do it faster this time.
NAPOLEON: Where would you like me to start?
LOTTIE: The French Revolution.
NAPOLEON: Ah, yes, the soil from which I could sprout my seed: The French Revolution. It’s the 1790s and tensions are high in France, the place I’ve made my home after leaving Corsica. The rich were too rich and the poor were too poor, so revolutionaries took control of France. They didn't want France to be ruled by aristocrats, so they chopped off the heads of the French nobility, including King Louis XVI.
GIF: They executed the king?
LOTTIE: That must have been chaos.
NAPOLEON: Indeed it was, but a country in chaos is one ripe for the taking. And guess who took it?
GIF: The Avengers.
NAPOLEON: Me. It was me. With France in chaos, the other European Monarchs—that means king or queen, by the way—decided to take control of its land. But guess who stopped that?
LOTTIE: Was it you again?
NAPOLEON: It was! Me, the man who won so many battles across Europe and became so popular, so admired by his country that he was elected First Consul. It’s ironic, really. The Revolution started to remove the monarchy, and then they elected me as their new king. Well, Consul. Point is: I’m a genius.
LOTTIE: I heard you rigged that election.
NAPOLEON: Nope, total lies. Fake news.
LOTTIE: No, it says so right here on Goog—
NAPOLEON: Lies!
GIF: What’s the difference between a Consul and a king?
NAPOLEON: A consul has completely unchecked power. You can tell people to bring you things for free.
GIF: Like cats?!
NAPOLEON (terrified): No! Never cats. I’m terrified of those! Do you have one here? Oh no, I must escape!
[PORTAL OPENS.]
LOTTIE: No, we don’t have cats.
[PORTAL CLOSES.]
NAPOLEON: Good, that’s—
GIF (unconvincing): Meow. Ha. Just kidding. That was me.
NAPOLEON: Anyway, back to the story. As a Consul with unchecked power, I could do whatever I wanted. Naturally the first thing I did was make myself Emperor of France. I mean, why not? It’s not like anybody would have wanted someone else as Emperor anyway. I was the greatest, and everyone knew it—especially my army.
Battle after battle, I conquered more of Europe. In just a few years, my military took over most of the continent. We kicked those aristocrats to the dirt, and I appointed my family members and generals as government officials in every region.
LOTTIE: What part of Europe couldn’t you take?
NAPOLEON: Britain, Russia… a handful of other places. But let’s make this clear: I could have taken them all if it wasn’t for that meddling Horatio Nelson.
GIF: Who’s that?
NAPOLEON: Only my sworn enemy of course. Horatio Nelson, a English flag officer in the Royal Navy. He defeated me TWICE on the battlefield. Once in Egypt, and then again in the Battle of Trafalgar. Trafalgar was much worse. He destroyed my Navy. Without boats, I couldn’t get to England. And if I couldn’t get to England, I couldn’t conquer it. And I conquer everybody!
LOTTIE: Except Britain and Russia and Spain and P...
NAPOLEON: Oh, I conquered Spain. I just didn’t keep it is all...
LOTTIE: What happened there?
NAPOLEON: Spain refused to follow me, so I sent my men into battle. Then, while my men were away, Russia decided to undermine me by secretly trading goods with Britain. Britain, for crying out loud! My sworn enemy! They had to be disciplined.
GIF: And did you discipline them?
NAPOLEON: No, they defeated my army. King Louis XVIII took my place as leader of France and I was exiled to the Island of Elba.
GIF: Oh, an island? That’s sounds nice.
NAPOLEON: It was a living hell. I was given the chance to rule the island, but Elba is tiny. Much too tiny for a big boy like me. I hid on an English boat, sailed back to France, and kicked King Louis in the face. Metaphorically speaking, I mean. “This is my country!” I said.
Then I lost the Battle of Waterloo against England and Prussia and got exiled again.
LOTTIE: I’m sure the island people were happy to have you back.
NAPOLEON: If only they sent me back to Elba, surely they would have been. No, this time I was sent to St. Helena. It was much smaller and much further from my home. I never went back to France. Oh, I do miss being Emperor of France.
GIF: That’s sad.
LOTTIE: At least you did some impressive things in your life, you know?
NAPOLEON: Like what? I’m a total failure.
LOTTIE: Well, first off, you helped invent Braille.
NAPOLEON: No, I didn’t. What are you talking about?
LOTTIE: You did. Remember when you demanded a system of writing be developed for your soldiers to read documents at night?
NAPOLEON: Of course, you use a series of dots, pressed out from the page—
LOTTIE: Well a 12-year-old blind boy, Louis Braille learned night writing and used it to develop the Braille system for visually impaired.
NAPOLEON: He did? That’s so ex(citing)— pected. I have always been an expert communicator.
GIF: You also invented a pastry.
LOTTIE: That wasn’t him, Gif. We already talked about this.
GIF: Here. I made one for you.
NAPOLEON (munching): Oh, this is delicious. I invented this, you said?
GIF: Yes, you did.
LOTTIE: Well, no, you—
NAPOLEON: You know, hold on. I have something I want to say. I didn’t think it was possible for me to ever find true happiness. I’ve always felt I had to prove myself but now, knowing I invented this pastry, I think that’s all going to change. I feel happy… What were you saying little girl?
LOTTIE: That you did a darn good job making that pastry.
NAPOLEON: Of course I did.
[Portal.]
NAPOLEON: I do everything well. Now excuse me while I go tell everyone on the island. They’re going to be so proud
LOTTIE: I hope we didn’t just change history by letting him take credit for inventing that dessert.
GIF: I’ve already edited the Wikipedia page. Look. Napoleon, conqueror, ruler, pastry man.
LOTTIE: Ugh.
GIF: Thanks for listening to Time Turners.
LOTTIE: Don’t forget to stay up to date with our adventures by subscribing to our show on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts.
GIF: Next week, we’re going to meet the man who invented the cake.
LOTTIE: No we’re not.
Episode 2: Cher Ami
Aug 17, 2017
EPISODE 2: CHER AMI
PRODUCED AND WRITTEN BY ERIC JAFFE
STARRING:
KATE WRIGHT as LOTTIE
ERIC JAFFE as GIF
and ELLA SCHAEFER as CHER AMI
SOUND DESIGN by TRAE BUDDE
RESEARCH by KATE WRIGHT
"TIME TURNERS THEME" by DANIEL HILDRETH
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
LOTTIE: Hello, Time Cadets! This is Lottie Turner and you’re listening to Time Turners, the podcast where me and my robot Gif go back in time to meet historical figures and bring you all of yesterday’s news today!
GIF: Hello, I am Gif and Gif is me.
LOTTIE: On today’s show we tell the story of a decorated war hero who saved 194 men from the Germans in WW1. Coming to us all the way from 1918, it’s Cher Ami!
TIME PORTAL.
PIGEON HOOTS.
LOTTIE: Oh, sorry, I forgot to mention he’s a pigeon.
GIF: I’ll put on the translator.
Violent HOOTS become…
CHER: He? Who are you calling a he?
LOTTIE: Oh, you’re a—
CHER: A hen? Of course I am. What? A lady pigeon can’t be a war hero? That’s a (hoot).
GIF: Ha. A pun. I love puns.
LOTTIE: No, it’s just my notes said—
CHER: I’m just teasing, my darling. People have been mistaking me for a male ever since I joined the military. But no, this pigeon is a full on hen. And proud of it.
LOTTIE: Okay, let’s start by talking a little bit about how you joined the U.S. army.
CHER: Well, my dear, to tell that story, first I have to tell the story of every pigeon who came before me. You see, before we became bottom feeders, nesting in subway stations eating crumbs off the streets, the pigeon were a mighty class that lived alongside humans as equals.
GIFS: As equals?
LOTTIE: I seriously doubt that.
CHER: Okay, more as pets. But that’s besides the point. The point is that, before we were known for pooping on the heads of men, we were among the most loved of creatures. We delivered the news of the first Olympic games, our excrement was used to soil plants and make gunpowder, and humans allowed us to live in their homes and bred us for show. We were LOYALTY.
LOTTIE: But then what happened?
CHER: Then the machines arrived. The primary responsibility of pigeons was to deliver messages. Telegraphs made us irrelevant. Why send a bird when you can get a message delivered electronically? Pigeons were losing their jobs left and right. And don’t even get me started on the telephone. Machines took everything from us.
GIF: Hey, not all machines.
LOTTIE: And that’s how pigeons ended up living on the streets?
CHER: Indeed. Believe it or not, pigeons are not native to America. We came from the Middle East. Humans brought us here for service. Every pigeon you see in the United States is actually the descendant of someone’s working pigeon or, in some cases, a war hero. Wink, wink is what I would do if I still had my right eye. (Whisper) I lost it in the war.
LOTTIE: Is that your way of telling me you want to talk about your service?
CHER: Of course! The year was 1918—
GIF: Sorry, but is this going to be a long story?
CHER: Excuse me?
GIF: I need to go to the bathroom.
LOTTIE: Me too.
GIF: We usually break now for our sponsors.
CHER: Ugh, fine.
LOTTIE: We’ll be right back after these messages!
ANNOUNCER comes in. LIGHT MUSIC.
ANNOUNCER: Today’s episode of Time Turners is sponsored by YOU. Yes, YOU, the person listening to this podcast. To become an official Time Cadet and hear exclusive interviews with Lottie and Gif, go to patreon.com/timeturners and donate today. Don’t have anything to donate? Why not leave us a review on iTunes instead? Send us a screenshot of your review to timeturnerspodcast@gmail.com and Lottie and Gif will send you a personalized thank you letter. Thank you so much for listening and making the future a better place. Now, back to the show.
TOILET FLUSHES.
LOTTIE: And we’re back!
CHER: Can I talk about my military service now?
LOTTIE: Go for it.
CHER: The year is 1918 and pigeons are called upon by humanity once again. Only this time, things get ugly. It’s World War 1 and, since mobile phones and radios don’t exist yet, the human soldiers come to us once more. “We need you to deliver messages from the battle,” they say. We see the hurt in their eyes and agree.
GIF: Ooo, drama.
CHER: The pigeons go to war. Soldiers strap very small messages in tiny canisters to our legs and send us soaring high above the battlefield to get the message home. Many of us are shot down by German soldiers before we can escape the war zone. But one of us succeeded where others couldn’t. Can you guess who?
LOTTIE: Is it you?
CHER: It is I! I flew 12 important missions in the war. All of them successful.
LOTTIE: Is there one you’re particularly proud of?
CHER: Of course, but I wouldn’t dare take up more of your air time talking about myself. Get it, air time? I crack myself up.
LOTTIE: Okay then. Ladies and gentleman, Cher—
CHER: Hold on, hold on, I was kidding. Of course I want to talk about the great escape of October 3rd, 1918.
LOTTIE: That’s what I thought.
CHER: It’s October 3rd, 1918, and 500 American soldiers are trapped by the enemy behind a small hill. American allies who don’t know the soldiers are still in the area begin firing right at them. Major Whittlesey sends several pigeons out to stop the friendly fire, but German soldiers manage to shoot them all down before they can escape.
The next day, only 194 soldiers remain and, to make matters worse, there’s only one pigeon left: me. The Major ties a letter to my left leg that reads: “We are along the road parallel to 276.4. Our own artillery is dropping a barrage directly on us. For heavens sake stop it.”
And I take off.
GIF: I need to go to the bathroom again.
CHER: You sit down and wait! I take off and head over enemy lines. They shoot at me with everything they’ve got and they’re almost successful.
BANG. A bullet takes off my right leg. BANG. Another one goes through my breast. BANG. I’m blinded in one eye. I dive toward the battlefield. All hope is lost.
LOTTIE: Oh no!
CHER: But then I remember my parents, and my parents parents, and all of the pigeons from all the pigeon parents that came before them. This is our noble duty. With one leg, one eye and a bullet in my chest, I regain my balance and shoot for the skies, soaring high above the battlefield and—
LOTTIE: And you save the day?!
CHER: Yes, I do. I flew for 25 minutes, avoiding poison gas and shrapnel and got the letter to our allies. They stopped shooting and immediately worked out a plan to save the men. 194 soldiers were rescued by Allied relief forces that day and it’s all thanks to me.
GIF: Did you get a medal?
CHER: I did. I was awarded the Croix de Guerre, and the U.S. military carved me a brand new wooden leg. Check it out.
THUMP.
GIF: Cool. I want a wooden leg.
LOTTIE: That’s a truly incredible story.
CHER: It really is.
GIF: Can I go to the bathroom now?
CHER: Why go anywhere? Just leave your excrement on the floor like I’ve been for the past four minutes.
LOTTIE: Have you… Cher!
CHER: A pigeon’s got to do what a pigeon’s got to do. And, remember, this was a highly sought after resource at one point.
LOTTIE: Okay, let’s sign off before it gets worse.
GIF: Good idea.
LOTTIE: Thanks for listening to Time Turners. Don’t forget to stay up to date with our adventures by subscribing to our show on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts.
GIF: Next week, we’re going all the way to Ireland to loot treasure and meet a real-life pirate.
LOTTIE: You won’t want to miss that. We’re going to get swords and meet the Queen…
CHER: Can I come?
LOTTIE: Sorry, this is kind of our thing.
CHER: Oh, I see. A pigeon isn’t good enough for your— Hoot. Hoot.
GIF: Oh no, her translator stopped working.
LOTTIE: See you next week!
GIF: In the future.
TIME PORTAL.
Episode 1: Nellie Bly
Jul 30, 2017
Hello, Time Cadets! Thanks for checking out the premiere episode of Time Turners. Since we're new to this whole radio thing, we'd really appreciate your feedback. Please help us improve by sending us an email at timeturnerspodcast@gmail.com. And, if you're feeling particularly generous, why not stop by our Patreon (www.patreon.com/timeturners) to become an official Time Engineer? Not only will you be helping us keep Time Turners free for kids around the world, you'll also get access to special behind-the-scenes material and the opportunity to pitch Lottie & Gif some ideas for their future adventures!
We look forward to hearing from you!
EPISODE 1: CHER AMI
Produced and Written by Eric Jaffe
Starring:
KATE WRIGHT as LOTTIE
ERIC JAFFE as GIF
and EMILY PEARSE as Nellie Bly
Sound Design by TRAE BUDDE
"Time Turners Theme" by DANIEL HILDRETH
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:
[Mechanical noises.]
LOTTIE: Hello, Time Cadets! This is Lottie Turner and you’re listening to Time Turners, the podcast where me and my robot Gif go back in time to meet historical figures and bring you all of yesterday’s news today! Introduce yourself, Gif.
GIF: Hello, my name is Gif. G-I-F. I’m two-hundred days old, weigh thirty-three pounds…
LOTTIE: No, no, do it like we rehearsed.
GIF: Hi, I’m Gif. I was invented by Lottie Turner, the smartest, coolest, most fierce girl in the 5th grade. She built the time machine and I operate it.
LOTTIE: He also tells jokes.
GIF: I do not.
LOTTIE: Awesome! Let’s get to it shall we? Since today’s our first show, and my first attempt at being a journalist, we’re going back to 1887 to learn how to report from the very best there ever was: my hero, the one and only Nellie Bly. Activate the invisibility shield, Gif. It’s time to go back to the past.
GIF: Invisibility shield activated.
LOTTIE: Are you sure? You know how important it is that no one in the past sees us, right?
GIF: I’m sure. I am a robot.
LOTTIE: Okay, setting the coordinates. And here. We. Go!
[TIME WARP sound effect]
[OPENING CREDITS MUSIC.]
[TIME HOLE CLOSES. We hear leaky faucets, crying. It’s like a horror film.]
NELLIE (talking to herself as she writes): The insane asylum on Blackwell's Island is like the world’s longest timeout.
LOTTIE: Oh my Einstein, it’s her.
NELLIE (talking to herself as she writes): It’s like a bear trap for humans.
GIF: Your hero was committed to an insane asylum? Actually, that sort of makes sense.
LOTTIE: No, no, she isn’t really insane. She’s faking it!
GIF: I don’t get it.
LOTTIE: She’s undercover.
GIF: For what? Is she a special agent?
[We hear GUARDS pouring a BUCKET OF ICE WATER in the distance. Someone SCREAMS.]
LOTTIE: To learn about that. We’re in the Women's Lunatic Asylum on Blackwell's Island in New York. It’s 1887, and the women here are treated horribly by the staff and doctors. To make matters worse, a lot of them shouldn’t have even been sent here in the first place! Some of them just didn’t speak English well or didn’t like living within the confines of strict Victorian life. Nellie came here to learn the stories of these disenfranchised women and expose the injustices of the asylum from the inside. She practically invented investigative journalism!
NELLIE (talking to herself as she writes): The insane asylum on Blackwell's Island is a human rat-trap. It is easy to get in, but once there it is impossible to get out. There. That’s it.
GIF: That’s really brave of her.
LOTTIE: Of course it was. You think a coward could be a female journalist in the 19th century? No way.
GIF: What do you mean?
[TIME PORTAL.]
LOTTIE: Step into my portal and see.
[PORTAL CLOSES. We hear PENS scratching, light CHATTER, a TELEGRAM coming in over the wire.]
GIF: Oooo... A newsroom.
NELLIE: Here’s a topic: Corruption in Mexico. All I need is six months—
EDITOR: Mexico? That’s a man’s job. Why can’t you just write for the women’s pages?
NELLIE: Women’s pages? What does that even mean?
EDITOR: You know… articles about gardening and clothes and gossip.
GIF: Ooooo, gossip. I’m listening.
[Nellie STORMS OUT. The DOOR SLAMS behind her.]
GIF: Where’s she going?
LOTTIE (proud): To Mexico.
GIF: But who’s going to write the gossip column?
LOTTIE: Someone else. Nellie knows the Mexico story will be a hit. No boss is going to stop her from telling the story she wants to tell. That, my shiny robot friend, is why she’s a hero.
GIF: I don’t get it. Why won’t her boss just let her go?
LOTTIE: Because it’s 1885 and women aren’t allowed to take on serious stories. In fact, Nellie isn’t even Nellie’s real name! It’s Elizabeth! Her editor gave her a pen-name to protect her identity from people who thought journalism wasn’t a respectable job for women.
GIF: Really? Was she named after the old minstrel song?
LOTTIE: Ye- Wait, how do you know that?
GIF: It’s on my 1850s playlist. Nelly Bly! Nelly Bly! Bring the broom along, We'll sweep the kitchen clean, my dear, and have a little song.
LOTTIE: Okay, okay, enough. Remind me to give you a better singing voice when we go back to the future.
[TIME PORTAL OPENS.]
GIF: Where are we going now?
LOTTIE: It’s a surprise. You’re gonna love it I promise.
GIF: Ugh, you know I hate surprises.
[PORTAL CLOSES.]
[PORTAL OPENS. We hear the slight RUMBLE of the tracks below us.]
GIF: Oh, god, a train? You know I’m afraid of trains.
LOTTIE: Don’t worry. We’re safe. In fact, this train is just 10 minutes away from completing the fastest trip around the world. At least until the record is broken again in a few months.
GIF: Wait, this train drove around the world? But I thought the Earth was flat!
LOTTIE: Number one, you really need to get off the internet; the Earth is round, end of story. Number two, the train is just the last stop on a 72-day trip that included steamboats, railways and automobiles. Have you ever heard of the book Around the World in 80 Days by Jules Verne?
GIF: I saw the movie. I see anything with Jackie Chan. He’s so dreamy.
LOTTIE: Well, Nellie read the book and suggested to her editor at the paper that she try to make the trip in real-life. She brought one dress, one overcoat, several changes of underwear and a small bag to carry her toiletries. The whole world was following her journey and learning from her adventures.
GIF: Is that what you want from our podcast?
LOTTIE: Of course. (Sad) But we’ll never be as good as Nellie.
NELLIE: Of course you will.
LOTTIE (startled): Huh? What? You can see us?
NELLIE: I can, and might I add that I appreciate the compliment.
GIF: Oh no, I forgot to turn on the invisibility shield.
LOTTIE: You mean this whole time we were visible?! We could have ripped a hole in the time continuum! Haven’t you heard of the butterfly effect?!
GIF: I like butterflies.
NELLIE: Relax. I’m not going to ruin your future, Little Girl. Here, take a seat.
LOTTIE: Okay?
NELLIE: So, you’re looking to become a journalist?
LOTTIE: Yes, ma’m.
NELLIE: Then you always need to be prepared for an interview. Go ahead, ask me anything.
LOTTIE: Okay. How can I be as good at journalism as you are?
NELLIE: It’s simple, report on your passion. Audiences love someone with passion. And it doesn’t hurt to be a little brave, too. When was the last time you did something brave?
LOTTIE: Well, last week, I went back 73,000,000 years and battled a gang of velociraptors. They were like “Raaaaaaahh.” And I was like “Get outta here, you darn, dirty lizards!”
NELLIE: Well bring that same intensity to your journalism, and I’m sure people will listen.
GIF: What about me? Can I be a journalist?
NELLIE: You? A machine? Machines can’t write. That’s a human’s job.
GIF: You’re probably right.
NELLIE: I know I am. Now get out of here, you two. We’re almost back in New York. Good luck with your pod-thing.
LOTTIE: Great, thank you. You’re the best.
NELLIE: Yes, we’ve already established that.
[PORTAL SOUND.]
[Buzzes and beeps.]
LOTTIE: Phew. Well, I’m pooped. But INSPIRED.
GIF: Credits time?
LOTTIE: Credits time.
GIF: To hear more of our time travel adventures, subscribe to this podcast wherever podcasts are found.
LOTTIE: And don’t forget to become an official Time Cadet by supporting us on Patreon. This month, we’ll be picking one lucky donor to choose the topic for an upcoming adventure.
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