The Story Must Be Told

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30. Magic Mary and Freddie Fox Go To Magic Town - Guest Preacher Katie Hartman Aug 21, 2018

Show notes

Gather your children, all the ones you care to, for our service. The Story will invoke in them the rigor of the student, the angst of the sergeant, the filth of the drifter, and the scar of the unrepentant. The Story’s got warnings, children, but also: discipline. And scorn! Grow up! Hurry! Before the good gettings all got! Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting, The Week Of) Invocation Psalm: “Ghost Love/Ghost Love 2” Liturgical Reading: “Magic Mary And Freddy Fox Go To Magic Town” Concluding Prayer We have beauties ahead, and glories abound. Our flock it gathers.

29. The Chimera's Nest Aug 14, 2018

Show notes

Welcome to our cleansing fire, congregant. Go ahead and toss your squirming bundle onto the pyre if you like—if you’re listening from home, add it to your own fire. O! that char gets the nose tingling. O! how it envigors the soul. We all must be tamed by Story, and if we cannot, must perish in the Church’s hearth for our disobedience. Tell me: what is your shame? Invocation Song: “Flapping Bird” Liturgical Reading: “The Chimera’s Nest” Concluding Prayer We will return next week, cleansed of our unruly animals and congregants. Heh, maybe we’ll have a few extra seats in the pews.

28. The Boat That Went To Hell - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks Aug 07, 2018

Show notes

All kinds of boats out there, with funny names, too. Brigantine. Schooner. Paddle. In a way, this here church is a boat, and each of you a mate upon its deck. Swab it, dear congregation, to earn your place in the captain’s chambers amidst the dribbling candles and ill-gotten liquors. Do not drink too much, for the captain is one of lechery, and our destination one of sin and tears. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7) Invocation Psalm: “Secrets to Sailors” Liturgical Reading: “The Boat That Went To Hell” Concluding Prayer Yep yep we gobbled that story down like a pastry of vice n uh ohs. What sweet it hath delected upon us, we unfaithful masses, who stir with what the Story hath sired.

27. Oh, Poor Dennis! Jul 31, 2018

Show notes

Parishioner Chet Ulcers told me a story, and I can’t help but relate it to today’s service. He said he saw his wife at the movies last week. Well, she wasn’t in the seat next to him. She wasn’t in the lobby. Course, for as long as she’d been dead, she shouldn’t have been anywhere. He saw her on the screen—big as a row boat. She was in the back of a Cro-Croa ad, dressed the way Chet said she was buried. Heh, she didn’t smile, heh he, but she sure waved. Invocation Psalm: “A Pestilence of Babies” Liturgical Reading: “Oh Poor Dennis” Concluding Prayer Everyone wrote a poem last week, and we said we’d pick our favorite one for this week’s bulletin. The winning poem was written by eight-year-old Jeck Hefthocks, and it goes like this: Can’t rub life / into a dead cat / unless thems the hands / that snuffed it. Uh oh, he’s a tricksterrr.

26. Who Is Your Milky Boy? - Guest Preacher Danny Tamberelli Jul 24, 2018

Show notes

It ain’t easy to sire a child with spoiled milk, nuh uh. Stretch on some gloves, milk yon squirters into an old Cro-Croa bottle, and bring yon pride to our collection. We have bottles dappled with sweat, others hot as irons, and some just fulla dregs—pathetic milks I hate to say. What of your milk? Drop a drip, and let us inspect. Guest preacher: Brother Daniel Tamberelli (Danny and Mike podcast, Jounce) Invocation Psalm: “Restaurant Milk” Liturgical Reading: “Who Is Your Milky Boy?” Concluding Prayer Hoo hoo, I been cutting out the prettiest faces I’ve seen in magazines and now I have an envelope full of beauty. Gonna leave their grinning faces in milk overnight, and eat it like curdles in the morning. I will be full of yon soggy beauts come noon.

25. An Awaited Transformation Jul 17, 2018

Show notes

Sister Callista is a cherub-throated truth-slinger, and she slings it hard n soupy uh huh. There’s truths about Grandmas the Story wants you to know. You better keep them waxy caverns open, so the Story might sluice through yon meat, and transform ye into the acolyte the Story demands. Take a tract, and bend yon knee. Invocation Psalm: “Lil Dog-Fresh” Liturgical Reading: “An Awaited Transformation” Concluding Prayer I saw a grandpa in my dreams and he was a crusty yuckyuck, hairless as a piglet and smaller than a wheelchair. Heh, you wouldn’t believe that grin, when I shared my truth with sprays of oralingus divine.

24. More More More More More Short Stories Jul 10, 2018

Show notes

Purkley Katzman died in an industrial accident. Got peeled like a dang grape by one of them machines used to stretch leather. Big juicy mess—everyone had a taste. Anyhow, he ain't here for short stories anymore, but you're in luck: Klipplinghands Greasythoughts is his virtuous son. Sniff up these shorts, then pass out from brain-asphyxiation, in the words of our dear STORY. Invocation Psalm: “Coat Closet Stink” Liturgical Reading: “More More More More More Short Stories” Concluding Prayer Ooh ouch ouch, somethin in my bladder is pinching. Might be all them ants I let crawl up my urethra. Stings? Sure. But, hey, at least I'm never alone.

23. When Dominoes Pizza Let A Teen Die - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely Jul 03, 2018

Show notes

Wear that grin between grease-soaked lips and chew the curds of delights digested. Let the bolus yon esophagus squelches die within ye, turn to dribbling juices and bubbles of harsh swampen gases. We are bodies, hosts of parasites, tombs of delivery morsels, avatars of corporate wisdom. Listen closely to Reverend Holden, mm hmm. Follow his words, and pick a brand with consideration; it may be the only brand you’ll pick again. Guest Preacher: Reverend Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser podcast, holdenatorsho on Twitch) Invocation Psalm: “Pizza Party Ire” Liturgical Reading: “When Dominoes Pizza Let a Teen Die” Concluding Prayer Guess it should be said that all characters and events in this story, even the ones based on real breathing gooey companies, are fictional. Though, c’mon, it’s probably not that fictional, right? Maybe a grease of truth dripped somewhere within? Hey. Don’t sue.

22. Petitions To The Darkness Jun 26, 2018

Show notes

In the Story we are each victor and we are each prophet. In the Story we are used and abandoned, bankrupt and shallow. Ohh the Story will find you. The Story will know you. In your happiest moment, the Story will decide, uh huh oh no that rascaaal. Invocation Psalm: “Rotten Mary” Liturgical Reading: “Petitions To The Darkness” Concluding Prayer Story, please help me. Oh yeah help me to throw a mean football. Talkin that spin? That healthy arc? Oh yeah, and the arm meats pulsing, and the skin taut and glazed. Ooo help me, Story.

21. The Second Sermon of Cardinal Larson Jun 19, 2018

Show notes

We are once again graced with the devoted, inspirational Cardinal Larson of the Archdiocese of the Church of the Seven Trusted Greases. He's been a-travelin, a-preachin, a-lovin, and a-greasin. Give him every tiding you can bestow, and he will love you forever. Deny him, and he'll deny you. Preacher: Cardinal Ed Larson (of Brighter Side and Roundtable of Gentlemen) Invocation Psalm: “The Father's Generosity” A Special Sermon from Cardinal Larson Concluding Prayer Somethin gooey and mm mmm comin for yuns next week heh heh

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