The Story Must Be Told

Now That’s What I Call Story Vol 1 - Q&A and Preview Nov 20, 2024

The bell is ringing, children! Come inside, children. Hear about our new album: Now That’s What I Call Story - Volume One, children. We talk with Liturgical Director Carl about his musical deeds, children. Plus, children, there is a long-awaited Q&A! Hear us drop the veil and plant Truths in your heart, children. Children! NTWICS Vol 1: https://open.spotify.com/album/4Oithuobv9nJKIrXAyd2FX?si=Pq1urioWQkW1Jt9tl2iUJQ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt GOODNIGHT MY LOVE BOOK: a.co/d/bFlMta2

86. The Swollen Mouth of Family Aug 10, 2024

Gums of pink, are gonna stink / Gums of red, are fonts of dread. Teeth are unwelcome in our parish! Yet, hygiene is a virtue. Ohh, we’re complicated—no easy answers in the Story! You must yeeeearn. Invocation The Washing of Chalms Liturgical Reading: “The Swollen Mouth of Family” Concluding Prayer Grease unto thee. Be sure to check out the newest video on youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

175. Gribbies 2 Aug 01, 2024

Let the Story reduce you to flesh mulch! Let the Story compress you and your every neighbor into a lovehogpile. Let go and let STORY. We’re back, BABY, ohhhhhh for a just widdle bit of Story truuuuuth. Get ready for the highest concentration of annoying names any Story has ever held! Uh oh! DEAD BIRD SONGS: https://www.patreon.com/reidfaylor PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt GOODNIGHT MY LOVE BOOK: a.co/d/bFlMta2

Dead Bird Songs - Chat and Preview Apr 04, 2024

Oooh, children, gather around for Vacation Story School. While the clerg' takes a breather, they gather to discuss and share the first chapter of Brother Reid (Reid Faylor's) audiobook novel: Dead Bird Songs. If you wanna skip right to the juicy audiobook chapter, go to 22:29, otherwise enjoy our chat about writing, editing, and peeing in pockets. Subscribe to Reid's novel at www.patreon.com/reidfaylor

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT: The Story Will Be Told Mar 01, 2024

We've got some BIG NEWS for all of you congregants courtesy of Brother Reid and Pastor Andrew, so if you're curious as to what's happening with TSMBT, it might be best to tune in now! We love and cherish each of you and remember - THE STORY WILL BE TOLD! ACTION BOYS: https://youtu.be/2DkqRs5TZhU PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt GOODNIGHT MY LOVE BOOK: https://a.co/d/gNjHAOM

174. The Woman for the Man - Guest Preachers Betsy Winchester, Steve O’Brien, and Jackie Zebrowski Dec 18, 2023

Two outcasts are excluded even from apocalypse and must navigate a changed world. If there is truth to be found it is in each other. Return to where your Story began so it may now end. Guest Preachers: Betsy Winchester (TSMBT short film The Dog The Boy; VO artist betsywinchester.com IG: @betsywindy; formerly of Murderfist) Steve O’Brien (TSMBT short film The Dog The Boy, Xmas Futures short films christmasfutures.com) Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 and LPN Deep Dives ACOTAR podcasts, IG @jackthatworm) Announcements Velvet: THE LEAST OF CHIMPS Devon: THE AWAKENING Velvet: FLESH PILES Devon: FATHER Velvet: THE HIDING MAN Devon: ALONE PARADISE RISING EPILOGUE That’s it! For THIS SEASON. Some bonus episodes coming while you wait for season 2, plus MORE: a novella (already out!), a novel, and an album. See you soon! PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com GOODNIGHT MY LOVE BOOK NOW ON SALE: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/book/1144436977

173. Day for Night - Guest Preacher Betsy Winchester, Featuring Marcus Parks Sep 08, 2023

A child suffers mute the unutterable horrors of our past. Every step forward is a descent. Trust no family or institution that worships the god of your destruction. Guest Preacher: Betsy Winchester (TSMBT short film The Dog The Boy; current VO artist betsywinchester.com IG: @betsywindy; formerly of Murderfist and Skulk, The Hulking) Featuring: Marcus Parks, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Jackie Zebrowski Curtain Call Liturgical Reading: “Day for Night” The Chalmsening One episode left before our break to switch into seasons! The last one will be a gosh darn doooooozy PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

172. The Fool and The Worm Aug 09, 2023

I’m a BIG SHOT at my job. I belong to an ELITE group of people who make work their ENTIRE identity. My testicles are made out of BRASS and I have NO outside relationships. What IS my job? Oh, I torture a big fucking worm. If I don’t do it someone else will! Featuring: Holden McNeely as the Taurus Salesman, Priest Ed Larson as Announcer, Man in Coat Jackie Zebrowski as Tomsha Mounting Cro-Crotoa The Story Must Be Told Clip Show Liturgical Reading: “The Fool and the Worm” The Price of Killing Chalms Two more episodes left before our break to switch into seasons. We’re hard at work on the new format and KNOW you’ll love us EVEN MORE. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

171. Changing. Do You See? Jul 12, 2023

YUCK. GROSS. I don’t care how we’re related, family member! You aren’t family no more after what you did nuh UH. You’re what my family calls a hot sloppy “turd,” and I’m gonna scrape you off my boot. How did you become such a humble bootscraping? Uh, through CHANGES, bucko. Featuring: John Moreno as Dr. Greene Betsy Winchester-Parks as Katherine and the Lawyer Andrew Yackira as Doug and Mark Sailor Talk The Nature of Cro-Crotoa Liturgical Reading: “Changing. Do You See?” Parting Words Tune back in two weeks from now for the antipenultimate episode of the season! PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

170. Beneath The Compass Rose Jun 14, 2023

Some islands are SCARY—like Nantucket. Other islands will steal your very essence, halve it, and merge it with other unwitting victims—like Nantucket. THIS island? Shhhhh it’s a seeeecccreeeeettttt. Guest Author: Katherine Monasterio (author of The Age of Windpower) The Winners of the Big Surf Competition Are… The Switch Liturgical Reading: “Beneath the Compass Rose” The Return of a Familiar Face An Announcement Changes are coming! And a new Story TOO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

169. The Many Adventures of Chalmstopher Robin May 09, 2023

Oh bother, I’m a silly old bear. It’d be a SHAME if I were to MEET MY DEMISE. I hope nothing bad happens to me and my ragtag group of interspecies friends! Nothing that could stop us from loving that BOY. Oh bother! Confronting Chalms Chalms’ truth: “The Many Adventures of Chalmstopher Robin” The Public Domain A Prophecy Bags Packed Gosh oh golly what’s gonna happen next? I don’t even know! T-t-tune in NEXT TIME I’ll be different. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

168. God’s Hotel - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski Apr 25, 2023

Your father is watching you, and he’s SHAKING his HEAD. What did you do to deserve such a practical assessment? Did you follow your dreams? Probably! Nothing cheeses a dad like the passion of progeny. Guest Chaplain: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 and LPN Deep Dives ACOTAR podcasts, @jackthatworm on Instagram) Guest Author: Libbie Grant (Future Saint of a New Era podcast) Invocation Pastor Andrew’s Changes Liturgical Reading: “God’s Hotel” The Extent of Chalms If I could, I would pick you up and carry you to two weeks from now, so you could bask in a new, Chalmserific episode. Instead: you must WAIT. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts

167. Cardinal Ed in Top Gunners: Mad Rich Apr 12, 2023

WOOOOSH! Kaboom! “I gotta fly this big bird REALLY fast!” Wow, aren’t airplanes neat? Gosh, what CAN’T the military-industrial complex do? If there’s anything, I don’t wanna know. Fly a jet into my eye and pop it out my heart, so I die filled with AIRPLANE. Inside Devon’s coma Liturgical Reading: “Cardinal Ed in Top Gunners: Mad Rich” A prophecy PROFOUND We return two weeks from now with a Story for your eager ears to gulp up like a hot hot soup. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts

166. Are You Afraid of the Story: Three Wishes Mar 28, 2023

Look! A shooting star! Close your eyes and make a wish. Are you doing it? Good … good. What’s that? It feels like someone is stealing your wallet? Shh shh, that’s just the wish doing its thiiing. Hush, child, and next time: remember to carry CASH, baybeeeee. Wishes from Congregants Brother Reid’s Wish: “Truthy Truthy” More Wishes for Cheddar-Tossin ‘Grants Pastor Andrew’s Wish: “Bigger” WAGE-A-WISH HERO OF THE CENTURY: Erica! Devon’s “Wish”: “United States of Wishing” Concluding Remarks In two weeks a familiar friend will return to WOW us with some high octane Story deeds. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

165. The Boy: Omega Rising - A TSMBT Silver Streaming+ Free Trial! Mar 11, 2023

It’s always the BOY! The BOY the BOY the BOY! Behind the curtain? The BOY! Under the floor? The BOY! Hiding inside your mouth, yanking on your tongue and poking your tonsils? THE BOY. The only thing better than HIM is a free trial of the new, very real TSMBT Silver Streaming+! It’s the future of content! Featuring: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left) as THE BOY Ed Larson (Brighter Side) as interviewer and paramedic 911 Call Liturgical Reading: The Boy: Omega Rising - A TSMBT Silver Streaming+ Free Trial! The Departure of the Paramedics Tune in a couple weeks from now for a new Are You Afraid of the Story! PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com

164. Goodnight My Love 6 - Featuring MJ Knefel Mar 02, 2023

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx In this, the 6th and final part of Goodnight My Love, we finally say Goodnight … but to WHOM? My Love? Be honest: why are you even reading the episode description? Huh, Chester? You KNOW what the deal is. Just honk on in, ya goob! Featuring: MJ Knefel (Page 7) Steve O’Brien (xmas futures) Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) Betsy Winchester (Murderfist, The Dog The Boy) And John Moreno (Murderfist) as CEDRIC Invocation An Unfortunate Turn for Cedric Liturgical Reading: Goodnight My Love 6 Conclusion We return in a couple weeks with something decidedly different. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

163. Goodnight My Love 5 - Featuring MJ Knefel Feb 08, 2023

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx No one ever talks about what religion aliens are. Is it Protestant? I bet a lot of them are Methodists. If I met an alien, I’d ask it two questions: 1) are you receptive to internalizing shame? 2) have you heard the good word of the Story? Goodnight My Love continues with TEEN SAM. Nothing wrong can happen in a Catholic school! Content warning: self harm, Catholicism. Featuring: MJ Knefel (Page 7) Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) And John Moreno (Murderfist) as CEDRIC Invocation MORE CEDRIC MORE CEDRIC MUCH MORE CEDRIC Liturgical Reading: Goodnight My Love 5 Concluding CEDRIC The series concludes in two weeks with part 6. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

162. Goodnight My Love 4 - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski Jan 17, 2023

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx Grandmas and Grandpas will give you a Bible and then YELL at you. Can’t trust a Grandma to buy the right Cro-Croa, can’t ask a Grandpa to turn off the TV. Ughh, but sometimes: you need ‘em. Today, we return to the Goodnight My Love series for the first of three concluding parts. Listen to parts 1-3, episodes 103, 118, and 119 respectively, to catch up and ENJOY. Guest Chaplain: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Featuring: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) MJ Knefel (Page 7) And John Moreno (Murderfist) as CEDRIC! Invocation CEDRIC Liturgical Reading: Goodnight My Love 4 Concluding Remarks The series continues in two weeks with part 5. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

The 522 Club False Holiday Special Dec 28, 2022

Wowee wow wow! Is it the false holiday already? Gosh oh fuck, what a blesséd surprise! Join the clergy as we goof and gab our way through the falsest holiday of them all, with nary a commercial or six! That's right, the 522 Club has for THIS EPISODE dropped its patreon veil and is blooming in every ear far n wide OK??? We’ll have a buncha new episodes SOON in the new year. If you even DARE doubt me I will CUSS at you. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

161. In Violet Light Dec 16, 2022

It’s always raining here. The rain will soak you cold, but it is your task that will break you. Freedom is trapped inside the box, and it is everything outside that is a prison. Invocation Petitions Liturgical Reading: “In Violet Light” Concluding Remarks We’ll have a special lil loosey goosey holiday special for ya in a couple weeks. Return! MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

160. Plunk! Nov 25, 2022

Witness as Brother Reid and Pastor Andrew pitch their hot new film experience: Plunk! Is this their big break? Is the church done for? What does it sound like when a battery leaves a human colon? Listen to find out! Meeting Mr. P.P. Brothers “Plunk!” Concluding Remarks In two weeks, tune in for whatever is to FOLLOW. Stock music from Envato.com is used in this episode. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

159. Rakija Nov 08, 2022

There are photos of you lost in a drawer, floating in a liminal space, waiting to be seen. You will recognize the face but not the scene, know your age but not the year. Our past is a secret; it is better to pray for loss than for revelation. Invocation Brother Reid’s Big News Liturgical Reading: Rakija Departure Come back in two weeks, and witness our big meeting with Mr. P. P. Brothers! Gosh, maybe we’ll MAKE IT BIG. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

158. Miss Paker’s Cats - Guest Preacher Julie Rosing Oct 22, 2022

Curiosity killed no cat—it was POISON. That rotten child, that BOY did it. His face is every child’s face Miss Paker will see, as she instructs the children in the Truth of her Lord. Guest Preacher: Julie Rosing (www.ineedana.com) Invocation Children’s Awards Liturgical Reading: Miss Paker’s Cats Closing, Disrobing Fourteen days are required for the Story to regenerate and birth again. Check in and cherish what we spew for youuuu nexxxttttt POSTER: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

157. An Intruder Invoked - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks Oct 05, 2022

An Intruder has intruded upon the livestock, a malefactor produced by dining on death. Yearn for it. Search the brains for its presence, not unlike a gold panner. Yup, real gooey labor, but rewarding. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) Invocation Petitions for Patreon Congregants True Liturgical Reading: An Intruder Invoked Closing, Disrobing In two weeks we will come again to deliver you another profound truth! Or some weird shit. Either/or! POSTER: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts

156. It Was A Monday... Sep 13, 2022

It is vital while listening to this Story to not get sidetracked, lost in the details, or thrown off course from your original aim. To amble, disengage focus, or, in other words, become distracted. No! Pay attention! Lest you forget the reason you began to begin with, from the beginning, until the end of where the beginning began. A Seance Profound Liturgical Reading: It Was A Monday Morning When Arthur Kurtz Came To The Terrible Realization He'd Lost Track Of Time, Making His Day Far More Difficult Than Expected Revelation Two weeks until the Story finds you DISTRACTED ohhh what did we tell you? POSTER: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

155. Peter Robot Saves Wendy's - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely Sep 06, 2022

BIG SCIENCE NEWS: scientists created the ANNOYING ROBOT beep boop! Uhhh knock knock, who’s there? It’s the future of ROBOT. Look out, because an annoying robot can do what no robot could do before: manage a thriving fast food chain OK??? Guest Preacher: Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser & Page 7 podcasts, twitch.tv/holdenatorsho) The Clergy’s Wendy’s Order Liturgical Reading: Peter Robot Saves Wendy’s Consumption The next Story is out NEXT WEEK so we stay on DANG schedule OK??? MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BROTHER REID ART: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReidFarts BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

154. Howard Aug 20, 2022

You are the life of your elders. They go to bed thinking about you. Give them a call. Share your life. Without it, they won’t have one. Guest voices: John Moreno, Betsy Winchester Invocation Dismissals Liturgical Reading: Howard Closing Statements Um, come back ok? Please? The Story is so LONELY without you. You have to PROMISE. Meet the Story here in two weeks you HAVE to. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

153. I'm A Bustling Beehive Aug 02, 2022

Lotions, candles, and hand sanitizers: turn me into these when I die. I gotta BASK in seasonal scents, and if you give me a sales event? Ohhh you can digest me in your mechanical colon for a WEEK, dear overlord. Become a part of the loving corporate body! Invocation Pastor Andrew’s Coerced Testimony Liturgical Reading: I’m a Bustling Beehive Closing Statements The Story resumes its truth in two weeks. Will you be there to witness? Your answer: YES. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

152. The Anxiolytic Jul 22, 2022

Are you n-n-n-nervous? Does it prevent you from serving our glorious economy? For SHAME! Remember this one truth: all mental health is secondary to the will of the oligarchs, ok???? Invocation Liturgical Reading: The Anxiolytic Further Fractures The Story has a HOT sniff of you, and it can now find you wherever you live. Expect its knock in two weeks! MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

151. Two Testicles in the Indiana Clay Jul 08, 2022

Meiosis is the process by which cells cut themselves in half to make halfling children wriggling alone in the dark incomplete forever. A farming accident is the process by which Sal lost his danglin’ nuts. Learn how the two are CONNECTED. Invocation Petitions for the Newly Greastised Liturgical Reading: Two Testicles in the Indiana Clay Conclusions You will always seek the Story, and in two weeks, your efforts will yield F-F-F-FRUIT. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

150. The Inevitability of Death Jun 24, 2022

Lay down in the dirt and take a lil nap called DEATH. Yep! The Story is here to tell you: ain’t no one gonna stay alive forever except a few jellyfish. Accept your demise and send your memories to hell, uh huh. Invocation Petitions for Patreon Congregants Liturgical Reading: The Inevitability of Death Closing Apologies The Story will find you again in two weeks and you can’t even STOP it. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

149. Warmth and Dissolution - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski May 26, 2022

In their masses, human beings amplify emotion until the smallest sensations become shared, tangible links. But we are floating alone in the void and cannot remember touch. Recall human contact and become confused! Guest: Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Robot Liturgical Reading: Warmth and Dissolution Closing Statements In two weeks more Story is gonna pull up to your orb and demand entry. GRANT. IT. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com LIVE SHOW: https://www.axs.com/events/430541/last-podcast-on-the-left-tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

148. The 6th Annual Intergalactic God Congress May 10, 2022

This TUESDAY TUESDAY TUESDAY, Gods will come from near and far to DUKE IT OUT. Which God has what it takes? Ohhhh take a listen, and hear how your personal God fares in the 6th Annual Intergalactic God Congress! Invocation Announcement about Stickers, Live Show Liturgical Reading: The 6th Annual Intergalactic God Congress Closing Statements Check back in two weeks and a new Story loaf will rise from our yeasty declarations. STICKERS: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com LIVE SHOW: https://www.axs.com/events/430541/last-podcast-on-the-left-tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

147. Undoing Nocturnal Apr 26, 2022

Hoo hoo, says the owl. Then the owl says, boo hoo hoo. Avian tears are a delicacy, and even geniuses will spend their grant money to ensure ornithological agony. Sorry birds! Mice gotta chew, cats gotta scratch, and humans gotta CRUEL. Invocation Psalm Reading Liturgical Reading: Undoing Nocturnal Closing Statements Story comes ‘round these parts every fortnight. Chunk down with us AGAIN. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

146. The Great Flood Apr 12, 2022

Drip drip, get slippery. Splat splat, get WET. Water’s comin’, and it’s gonna SOAK ya, bub. Down to the BONE. Unless you don’t believe in the shivers, then in that case: there’s no water at ALL. Invocation Petitions for Real Good Congregants Liturgical Reading: The Great Flood Closing Statements More STORY in two weeks. Until then: stay DRY, chut. New shirt: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

BONUS: Best of the 522 Club Mar 29, 2022

Beep beep! Honk honk! I’m a SAMPLER PLATTER—of the 522 Club! That’s right, Chet, we’re giving you a LIL sip of a LOT of patreon exclusive content, cha cha cha. Including: WHO WANTS IT with SISTER CALLISTA PA and DEVON chat JAR JAR YEAH JAR JAR Aaaaand you even get to hear DEACON ADAM discuss books with BR and PA! We got a spicy one coming in two weeks and thank ye for your patience. New shirt: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

145. Are You Afraid of the Story: BUGS Mar 17, 2022

Beep beep! Honk honk! I’m a BUG. RNNNNNNGG RNG RNG RNGG, look out! A Big Bug Is Coming. Oh, even the clergy has a STORY or TWO about BUG. Don’t believe me? Oh, just TRY listening to a tale or three from: DEVON BROTHER REID And even: PASTOR ANDREW I’ll be back in two weeks with more Story, but not if you show me ‘ttude like this. Nuh UH. New shirt, ya goob: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

144. The Perfect Route Mar 03, 2022

Sorry I’m late, turns out TRAFFIC. Ughhh traffic always gets in the way, especially of car, and most especially: truck. What can we do about traffic? Lots! But I’ll tell you what: it won’t stop the suffering. TRUCKS RADIOS Liturgical Reading: “The Perfect Route” RAGE We’ll be back in two weeks with more Story, don’t even doubt me. New shirt alert, WEAR it: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

143. Self-Portrait Feb 15, 2022

Try to draw a picture of your own face. Do you know where all the pieces belong? If you forgot what you looked like, you’d never be able to recreate it. Invocation A SHIRT Liturgical Reading: “Self-Portrait” A SHIRT Yeah we got a new shirt so go DO it: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

142. The Brain, The Body Feb 01, 2022

Suck in your gut. Pucker up your lips! Hock, pull, and reLEASE Good: you just spat out your own brain, ya dumb dumb. Get it outta there! Your brain can’t make you happy, and four out of five bodies agree. P’too! Invocation Shh Thoughts haha Liturgical Reading: “The Brain, The Body” Rocks Get out of the dog kennel, and put on your Tuesday best, ‘cause we’ll be back with a new Story in two weeks. P’too! Featuring the hot gym track Sports Beat by BerryDeep. BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

141. It Was A Sunday... Jan 19, 2022

Pay attention to this STORY and DON’T get DISTRACTED, like you would while holding the hand of the Archduke’s son while the world’s coal-tossing competition progressed a mere thirteen feet away. The Archduke of course demanded a close view, given his failing eyesight, but also his failing sense of smell and taste. He ate meals for hours, and never once had a drink, afraid to wash away the paste before he could enjoy the flavor. Now, his son mind you is a hemophiliac, and as such has taken to a life of precaution. His mother held his hand on long walks, while crossing the trolleyways, and eventually, while he slept and bathed. While she is on vacation, I’ve been charged to take her stead, given my similar height and smooth pristine hands. “Not a scar!” the Archduke declared upon inspection weeks prior. “Not a mole not a freckle!” Now, coal-tossing is a sport with an ancient, but complicated lineage… Invocation Petitions for Steadfast Congregants Liturgical Reading: “It Was a Sunday…” Get on in on this, on and in and on, again on, again in, on and on in and again. ‘Nother Story in a fortnight, ya goober. BOOKS: http://thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

140. Young Robert! Dec 22, 2021

Ohhh Young Robert. Oh! Young Robert! Everyone LOVES Young Robert. He’s sailing for America! He encounters DANGER. But who IS Young Robert? One thing for sure: he’s young! Chunk down to www.thestorymustbetold.com to buy a book, ya goob. The Annual Story fund-a-thon Donations A Very Special Episode of Young Robert We are taking a much needed break for the next episode, so Stories will resume Jan 18. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

139. Hard To Be A Mother Dec 09, 2021

Shh shhhhh go to www.thestorymustbetold.com and buy a book shh shhh it’s actually just links to the Amazon purchase pages shh shhh you don’t have to give us your info we already HAVE it. A mother can be anything. A frog. A bunch of rocks. Devon, apparently. But the one thing a mother can’t be? FREE from the STORY. Look look, uh oh it’s coming for youuuu. Featuring Steve Pasieka as “Christopher” www.twitch.tv/skulkers Invocation Petitions for the Honest Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Hard to be a Mother” Concluding Prayer Two more weeks until the final episode of the year. You will join us I can already tell. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

138. The Sublimation Of Petsmart - Guest Preacher Amber Nelson Nov 25, 2021

Slop some STORY into your palms with our NEW book: Seasons of the Story. Buy here: www.thestorymustbetold.com Meow meow, bark bark, tweet tweet, sublimate sublimate. We all become ONE in the PetSmart. We all become ONE in LOVE, even if it hurts! And it WILL. Guest Preacher: Amber Nelson (Brighter Side and Some Place Under Neith podcasts) Invocation Psalm: How Much is That Doggy with the Masters Degree? Liturgical Reading: “The Sublimation of PetSmart” Concluding Prayer Give us two weeks to refresh the load in the Story trough, and we can FEAST again. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

137. Bearer of Light Nov 11, 2021

Our book is the ONLY truth EVER. Buy SEASONS OF THE STORY at www.thestorymustbetold.com Who will you meet in the mystery woods? Uh oh, maybe someone niiiiice. But can you trust anyone you meet in the mystery woods? Don’t ask me, CHURT. Invocation Petitions for Glorious Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Bearer of Light” The Song of Psalms In two weeks we’ll be waiting for you inside your own heart with a fresh Story. MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Psalms of the Congregation Oct 26, 2021

Our BOOK is out, Chester. Buy SEASONS OF THE STORY at www.thestorymustbetold.com For the past year, every month on the Story Discord, our congregants submit original psalms in a CONTEST OF STORY TRUTH. We have read the winners and present them here for YOU. Join the discord and submit at https://discord.gg/9QUv46G. It’s typically for patreon members, but our kindly moderators grant access to SWEETHEARTS no matter their amount of sticky cheddar. THE PSALMS -A Psalm from the book of Grandmas Gone Gone - by Crodyman, www.pulpfrombeyond.com -A lil sip from the mug of gar-fi-eld to the congregation - Kristofferson De, lulu.com/spotlight/ilovedatoasteronce -Passing - Greslo -You Can Always Trust a Taurus - Jacob Rook, Instagram @asbestoscake -My Pen Pal Liturgical Director Carl - Foxy, FwaygoOfficial.redbubble.com -Sarabeth Went Fishing - ghastlygrapher, twitter.com/ghastlygrapher -The Crowning of JoBo REDUX - Jarrod, TWITCH.TV/THESTORYMUSTBEROLLED -The Juice Cleanse - Rachel Weinberg, instagram @cursedcollages, writing on rachelwriteshorror.wordpress.com -I am BUGS - Choirboy RBT, punkswithlunch.org MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

BOOK ANNOUNCEMENT: Seasons of the Story Oct 12, 2021

No Story today, Chester, just a big CHUNK of NEWS: The Story Must Be Told is releasing its first book ... OF STORIES. Mark your humble calendar for OCTOBER 26th when the goodness of the Story plops down on you! 15 of your favorite Stories, plus a BRAND NEW STORY bigger and chunkier that will forever live in the book EXCLUSIVE. Artwork by celebrated congregant Sishir Bommakanti! A foreword by Lil Tad Taster himself for the most part! Follow us on @tsmbtpod on Twitter and Instagram for the PLOP TIME, and keep your peepers PEELED, CHUCK.

136. Stalkers Sep 28, 2021

Knock knock. Who’s there? The Story. The Story who? The Story Must Be Told. Anyway, this episode was sponsored on Patreon.com/tsmbt by congregant Thomas K. Oh congregant, you will RUE the day you gave us your hard earned cheddar. We thank you! Invocation Psalm: “A Box of Family” Liturgical Reading: “Stalkers” Closing Prayer We are taking off the next episode, but we’ll be back with a special announcement. Our book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

135. Doogie Reassembled Sep 16, 2021

How many living people do you equal? When they gather, what do they say about you? Do they miss you? Where did you go? Have they noticed you’re gone? The Story answers: none, no, no, nowhere, no. Invocation Psalm: “The Joke About A Noisy Dog” Liturgical Reading: “Doogie Reassembled OR The Incident” A Startling Revelation Phew, wasn’t sure I’d make it to the end of this here episode description. Stay by my side, two weeks if you can, when the Story will TEST me again. Our book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

134. Homesick Sep 02, 2021

A big city is just stuffed fulla the dead. Can’t walk a corner or occupy a room no one ain’t died in before. It’s what we call “pre-war charm.” Invocation Accusations Liturgical Reading: “Homesick” A Startling Revelation If I see you around these parts two weeks from now for another episode, I’ll know true it was love we shared today. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

133. Songs From The Devon Floor Aug 17, 2021

OK. OK we gave him a CHANCE. Yep, we let Devon in on the Story game. Don't get mad at me! GEEZ. Invocation Story: "Songs from the Devon Floor" Outro Two weeks until we STORY you down AGAIN. In this episode: J.S. Bach - Violin Partita No. 2 - 4. Gigue C.W. Gluck - Melody from Orpheus G. Rossini - William Tell Overture E. Satie - Gnossienne No. 1 F.B. Conti - Il Mio Bel Foco J.S. Bach - Prelude in C Major, BVW 846 Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

132. Wet Dog Smell - Guest Preacher Joe Pera Aug 03, 2021

Woof ruff woof ar-oof woof woof. Ruff ruff! Ruff ruff roo roo. Grrrrrrr. Yip yip yip yip! Nnnn nnnn nnn! Guest Preacher: Joe Pera (preorder his book at https://www.amazon.com/Bathroom-People-Pooping-Peeing-Escape/dp/1250782694) Featuring Betsy Winchester Parks (The Dog The Boy) Invocation Testimony for Dogs Liturgical Reading: “Wet Dog Smell” A Startling Revelation In two weeks you’ll be BEGGING for a new Story. Heh heh, and we’ll give it to ya, too. In this episode: Erik Satie - Gymnopédies No. 1 W.A. Mozart - Requiem in D Minor, K. 626 - VIII. Lacrimosa Frédéric Chopin - Prelude in E Minor (Op. 28, No. 4) Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

131. Egon Wins The Lottery Jul 20, 2021

Egon wins the lottery. But this isn’t a fun lotto like Shirley Jackson’s—it gets serious! Slurp slurp, if you can. Invocation Psalm: “The Most Comfortable Sectional” Liturgical Reading: “Egon Wins The Lottery” Concluding Prayer Two weeks from now you’ll receive a Story so true you’ll be MAD at us. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

130. The Anointing - Guest Preacher Henry Zebrowski Jul 08, 2021

Grandmas are tricky! You gotta love em, but also: fear em a bit. Learn from a grandma! Learn of devotion. Learn of guilt. Learn of the Story. Guest preacher: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left, tickets for Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again Tour on sale next week) Also featuring the voice talents of: Jackie Zebrowski John Moreno Seenna Ghaznavi Holden McNeely Ed Larson In two weeks check in again and I bet we’ll have another Story you better believe it. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH for Grandpas: http://BabyNeedsDaddy.com PATREON for Grandmas: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

129. Bad Bad Big Willy - Guest Preacher Chris Fairbanks Jun 22, 2021

Birdies go tweet tweet tweet, crows go caw caw caw, and ducks go, “I will destroy you.” Never trust a bird! FEAR a bird. Guest Preacher: Chris Fairbanks (Do You Need a Ride podcast with Karen Kilgariff, “Rescue Cactus” album on 800 Pound Gorilla Records) Invocation Liturgical Reading: Bad Bad Big Willy The New Bird Sounds of 2021 In two weeks the healthy pot of Story will boil a-gain. Sniff upon Its vapors. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH for Billy Joels: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON for William Joels: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

128. A Job At Cro-Croa Jun 09, 2021

Who loves a HOT Cro-Croa??? Uhhhhh how about every-dang-body? Plump on it! What is Cro-Croa’s secret ingredient??? Uhhhhh who cares? Just chug it chug it CHUGIT. Can a living corporation be sated with just one human life??? Uhhhh wuddaya think, PAL? Feed yourself into the gears! Invocation Petitions for Generous, Kind, Honest Congregants Liturgical Reading: A Job at Cro-Croa Revelation Two weeks from now a new Story will be born among us, and we shall declare, “oooh mm mm mmm.” Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH for Regional District Managers: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON for Consumer Connection Planning Managers: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

127. Are You Afraid of The Story: Spooky Monsters May 27, 2021

Spooky monsters keep me running—running SCARED. But Pastor Andrew, heck, he CRAVES the stuff. To keep his greasy candle a-flickerin, Sis Callis and Big BR share some SPOOKY monster Stories. Chunk down! Story: The Curse of the Frase’s Return Story: The Gravefinger Come back in two weeks and we’ll still be here, eager for your embrace, holding a cup fulla STORY. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH for the FRASE: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON for the GRAVEFINGER: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

126. The Soft Opening Of Maison de Dieu May 11, 2021

Today is the Feast Day of Spaghett’, slurp slurp. Don’t let the marinara of prudence stain your white linen of virtue, gabbagool. Swirl this Story upon your fork and reflect: what has God ever given you that Story could not take away? Invocation A psalm judged by a jury of peers Story: The Soft Opening of Maison de Dieu A simple plea for Spaghett’ Proselytization, via @tsmbtpod Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH for GOD: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON for CHEF: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

125. The Age of Wind Power - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski Apr 28, 2021

Every whale sings a song, and it goes like this: “Ohhh Oh noooo Don’t take my oiiiil” But who pays attention to lyrics? If a whale sang me anything, I wouldn’t hear a word over the crackle of WHALE OIL. This week’s service is sponsored by Mark O. O! might grease be spread upon thee. Guest Chaplain: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Mark O’s Psalm So True Story: “The Age of Wind Power: a Brief History of the Origins of the Empire’s Second Industrial Revolution” Sneak Preview from the Story Children’s Choir Come back in two weeks or it’ll happen to YOU. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH YES: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON PLEASE: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

124. You're Gonna Touch My Hand Apr 13, 2021

Pleasure is hiding! PEEKABOO. Ohhh you have to SEEK pleasure. Search, and be warned: you will not find IT. IT will find YOU. When the Stranger appears from the alley and removes their glove, what will be waiting to tick-tick-tickle ya? A hand can be many things, even: fear itself. Invocation Psalm: More We Tolerate Story: “You’re Gonna Touch My Hand” Concluding Prayer After you’re absorbed into your new life, come back in two weeks for a new Story, ya goof! Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH for gloves: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON for hands: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

123. More More More More MORE Stories Mar 30, 2021

Remember: Purkley Katzman was ground up by a bunch of gears. It was his own dang fault for not being gear-proof. Today, we share some of Purkley’s stupid, STUPID Stories, so we might remember: he got ground up by a bunch of gears. Invocation Psalm: Fuck You, Purkley Story: “More More More More MORE Stories” Concluding Prayer Come back in two weeks and we’ll all forget Purkley Katzman was ever alive, let alone ground up by a bunch of gears. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com More MERCH: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt More MORE PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

122. Goodbye Pork Pie Hat Mar 16, 2021

Everybody’s working for the Story. Everybody’s working despite the Story. Everybody’s working because of the Story. The Story will strip you of meaning like a business sheds insurance coverage. Invocation Psalm: Pigs Aren’t Real Story: “Goodbye Pork Pie Hat” Concluding Prayer The Story is back in two weeks with something fresh for you to enjoy sip sip. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH honest: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON juicy: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

Trailer: Welcome to the Story! Mar 15, 2021

Welcome to our Church, our soon-to-be congregant. Are you familiar with our institution? Do you know the works of the Story? Are you looking to convert someone who the Story has so far denied? Listen to this "trailer," and perhaps enjoy the featured episodes: 77. After the Attack 45. It's My Right 60. They Made a Strange Love - Guest Preacher Joe Pera The Story's gonna getcha, haha.

BONUS: The 522 Club Clip Show! Mar 09, 2021

The Story Must Be delayed a week, dear congregant. Shh, shhh, dry your eyes, child, for we put together a special treat to help you pass the time! Our faithful patrons selected their favorite chunks of our patreon exclusive podcast: the 522 Club. We have compiled them here for YOU. Listen down and CHUNK UP. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com MERCH true: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt PATREON fresh: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

121. It Was A Saturday ... Feb 23, 2021

Here is the Story! Don’t get distracted! Not like I did at Taddy’s wedding, when the horse got loose. You see, a horse must learn every lesson with one eye then the other. Myself, I’ve always been left-eyed. Now, my uncle was right-eyed, but this was because of an incident at a barbecue with a long fork. Forks of over 5 inches in length should be classified as weapons, unless a person’s arm is so short that long utensils are not objects of violence, but convenience. I haven’t measured my arms for over a month now. Invocation Petitions for Honorable Congregants Liturgical Reading: “It Was A Saturday Morning When Arthur Kurtz Came To The Terrible Realization The Day's Obligations Were Far More Complicated Than Anticipated” Concluding Prayer Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com A lil bit of MERCH: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt A healthy glop of PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

120. Immortal Forgotten Words Feb 09, 2021

VRRRRRRROOOOOWWW here comes the plane beep beep open wide. Let the Story be your words, your every thought. Open your mouth wide, the Story’s gonna land inside VRRRREOOOOOWWWW Invocation Psalm: “Plane Peepin’” Liturgical Reading: “Immortal, Forgotten Words” Concluding Prayer Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com Merch VRRRROOOOOOOAA: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon VRRRRROOOOOOOOWWW: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

119. Goodnight My Love 3 - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski, Featuring Marcus Parks Jan 27, 2021

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx Come to my chest, sweet TOT, and suckle at my plastic feeding port. You can tell how much I love you by how calmly I wince. Shh shh shh, if that mockingbird don't sing, papa's gonna buy you some gasoline. Guest Chaplain: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Featuring: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) Invocation Psalm: “Meat-a-ball” Liturgical Reading: “Goodnight My Love part 3” Concluding Prayer Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com Merch healthy: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon juicy: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

118. Goodnight My Love 2 - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks, Featuring Jackie Zebrowski Jan 12, 2021

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx We’ve been smelling fennel for weeks, and sure enough it’s because there’s MORE. Marcus caught the sniff, and Jackie too, you bet. Sniff along, and just see what ends up inside you, ya goof. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) Featuring: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation The Feast of Saint Brandon Liturgical Reading: “Goodnight My Love 2” Concluding Prayer The conclusion to Good Night My Love is coming in two weeks oh fresh fresh. Our first book of PSALMS: www.thestorymustbetold.com Merch for YOU: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for ALSO YOU: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

103. Goodnight My Love 1 - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks, featuring Jackie Zebrowski Dec 29, 2020

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx We are taking a week off and sharing this recent Story so you might be fresh and PREPARED for the next two parts coming out in the new year. Marcus and Jackie will be returning for parts 2 and 3 of Goodnight My Love. *** When parasites fill your abdomen, take a deep breath, see your primary care provider, and ENJOY it. As a new host, try to name your new parasites with care. Welcome to the beautiful new you. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space) Featuring: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Petitions for Worthy Congregants Story: “Goodnight My Love” Template for Leaving Your Family Merch, for Hosts: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Parasites: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

117. The Adventures Of Chalmsberry Grib Dec 16, 2020

Mark Twain's mummified corpse spins somewhere in a shallow grave fulla dirt n worms heh heh yeah you better BELIEVE. Chalmsberry Grib could palm Tom Sawyer like a basketball and dunk that skull until it was CHUNKS. Yeah, Chalmsberry Grib, you tricky tot, tell us: where did you come from? Hour 22 of the 522 Hour Story Fund-a-thon Donations Honest (www.patreon.com/tsmbt) Liturgical Reading: “The Adventures of Chalmsberry Grib” The Fund-a-thon Continues Stop what you're doing and CHUNK DOWN on our first ever book of poetry, fresh fresh. Over 70 psalms to delight thee, and illustrations gooey enough to clog a windpipe. We set our site to redirect to the curséd Amazon page, lo www.thestorymustbetold.com Merch for Aunt Plusies: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for Disemstoried Souls: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

116. Fax Cover Sheet Dec 02, 2020

The Story snuck into your bedroom in the middle of the night and removed something you love. Will you notice what it took? Or will you pretend not to? It’s more comfortable to be a Story coward than a Story hero. I bet YOU could tell us allllll about that. Invocation Psalm: “Chromosome Dance” Liturgical Reading: “Fax Cover Sheet” Concluding Prayer We have a Story-darn book of gooey poetry out NOW for your humble eyes and palms. Over 70 psalms, a dozen healthy illustrations, and the BALLAD OF PREPSA in print for the first time. We set our site to redirect to the curséd Amazon page, lo www.thestorymustbetold.com Merch for Characters: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for Authors: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

115. The Voluntary Heart Nov 17, 2020

I got an arrhythmia and it starts with an S, and ends with a TORY. YEAH. My heart beats for the STORY, thump thump. Oooh, and if you open up your ears real wide, it’ll thump in you, too, tee hee. Cro-Croa Daytime Liturgical Reading: “The Voluntary Heart” Cro-Croa PM Thump thump, congregants, we’ll thump ya again in two thumps of the week’s thump. Merch for Daytime: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for PM: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt Ooh and some extra special merch coming soooooooon wink wink.

114. The Book of Keith - Guest Preacher Danny Tamberelli Nov 06, 2020

Child transformation! Spooky, scary. Boys becoming scaly, dads becoming sad. Enjoy the first Story channeled through our scabby assistant groundskeeper, Devon. The service to this glorious Story was crafted in conjunction with humble patron and VIP Story Glory Guard Congregant Dakota V! The Story’s gonna getchya, heh heh. Our Virtuous Guest Preacher: Danny Tamberelli (The Adventures of Danny and Mike podcast, Insta @dannytamberelli) Story Housecalls Invocation Psalm: “The Dogs of Marital Success” Liturgical Reading: “The Book of Keith” Mariba’s Gift Next service is in two weeks, heh heh. Merch for CROCS: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for GATORS: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

113. A Guided Meditation Oct 21, 2020

Shhhh, breathe in. Breathe out. Keep breathing out. Out! OUT! I did NOT say “in.” OUT. Today, we calm it down, grease it up, and relax our minds into a state of responsive, ready terror. Breathe with us—and keep them pearly winkers SHUT. Story retreat Bonfire Liturgical Reading: “A Guided Meditation” Concluding Remarks In two weeks we’ll grease you up again, mm mmm Merch for THINKERS: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for STINKERS: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

112. Lil Sips Oct 06, 2020

Hark! Praise! Today is Greasegiving! What a HOLY DAY. Today we learn every Truth, and witness the Greatest Story Of All Time. We honor Devon, for some reason. Also: there’s a psalm. Invocation Petitions for Glorious Congregants Psalm: “Lil Sips” Liturgical Reading: The Story of Revelation FEATURING Every Answer Ever Concluding Remarks Solos improvised by Al Piela https://alpiela.com/ We’ll see you in two weeks FRESH Merch for CHUGS: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for SIPS: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

111. Are You Afraid of the Story: Aliens Sep 08, 2020

It’s late, and a sweet lil Devon had another nightmare. Sounds like it’s time for some STORY. Cuddle up, wriggle your toes, and prepare yourself for three tales with the UTMOST loose connective tissue. Talkin’ ALIENS. YES. Matching Pajamas Liturgical Readings: “Chunk Riots” “The Pee Room” “Spooky Aliens!” Goodnight The Story is taking a well-deserved break. We will return with a new Story October 6th. There’s still a 522 Club next week for patreons! Merch for YOU: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for YOU AS WELL: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

110. And America Makes Two! Aug 25, 2020

Ameri-come one and all, to the rootinest tootinest Story this here Story mouth ever done Storied. You better bet your ASS that Tim Allen pops up in this wild hogride. That’s just what happens when you AMERICA. Heartfelt Sentiments An Unwelcome Guest Liturgical Reading: “And America Makes Two!” A Welcome Guest Tuck your hand between your pits, clamp down, and tug. That’s how you salute THE STORY. Merch for Americans*: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon for REAL Americans*: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt *or non-Americans. If you got cheddar, we ain’t stoppin’ no one, nuh uh

109. The Grief Market - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski Aug 11, 2020

You’ll never miss no one as much as you miss CELEBRITY. CELEBRITY is how you know what it means to live. No one alive is happier than CELEBRITY—so when they die it’s a-mournin’ time, heh heh. HONK HONK, GRIEF GRIEF. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 Podcast, @jackthatworm on Instagram) Invocation Petitions for Dutiful Congregants Liturgical Reading: “The Grief Market” Concluding Prayer In two weeks we can stew again in the hot flavors of STORY. Merch so HOT: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon so SENSUAL: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

108. The First Photo of God - Guest Preacher Elliott Friesen Jul 29, 2020

The separation of church and state don’t mean SHIT. Yeah, mix em up, bay-bee. Gimme some church in my state, especially in my secret government directives, ooh ooh. What would the government do with our taxes, and faith in an unseen god? Perhaps, they’d try to take a lil ol peek, heh heh. Guest Preacher: Elliott Friesen Acoustic Guitar: Elliott Friesen Invocation Zoom difficulties Liturgical Reading: “The First Photo of God” Additional Difficulties Come back in two weeks for more truth, if you’re devout true. Holy Merch: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon Divine: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

107. Cardinal Larson in “The Night of the Historical Jesus” Jul 14, 2020

A talking dog found today’s guest, who delivers a Story about SPICY, oh so sweet LOVE. Cardinal Larson, you rascal, and also: you tragic lover. Listen to this high octane friggin ride, and ask yourself: are you TOUGH ENOUGH to defend your love from a scorned A-list celebrity congregant? Invocation Cardinal Larson Returns Liturgical Reading: “The Night of the Historical Jesus” A Cardinal’s Goodbye What a dang thrillhouse, hot hoo hoo. Come on back for more in two weeks. Merch, for Zanes: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Zeta-Joneses: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

106. The Recovered Diary Jun 30, 2020

Nothing helps time in isolation like a little woof woof, a little bark bark grr grr ruff ruff. Talking DOGS. But remember: sometimes a pet is just a friend who will watch you die. After you're gone, they might even do more than watch! Nibble nibble, crunch crunch. Invocation Ruff ruff yip yip Liturgical Reading: “The Recovered Diary” Woodrow’s Burden Ohhhh a special guest is coming in two weeks, until then enjoy a 522 Club next week. Merch, for Woof Woofs: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Yip Yips: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

105. I Seen Locusts Out Back Jun 16, 2020

Hey! Yes you! Get out of the dirt and come inside; we got mourning to do. Yes, mourn a fresh one with us, mourn until you’re dry. Guests are coming, and they want to see your grief. A Secret Meeting The Break Room Liturgical Reading: “I Seen Locusts Out Back” Devon’s Warning The 522 Club is next week for patrons, then a fresh Story for all us lay people proper the week after. Merch, for Locusts: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Pigmen: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

104. Yuck Yuck in My Mouth for a Dollar Jun 02, 2020

Devon! What are you doing here? This is no place for you! Get out! OUT! Ohh, you rascal. Well, do what you want, because this Story will happen to YOU. Yeah. YOU. You think you like jokes but you ain’t heard jokes like THIS before. Sleep tiiiight. Invocation Petitions for Worthy Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Yuck Yuck in My Mouth for a Dollar” The Truth about Devon Tune in to our Patreon for a 522 Club next week, then come back home to the Story the next week for a STORY. Merch, for Yucks: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Dollars: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

103. Goodnight My Love - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks, featuring Jackie Zebrowski May 19, 2020

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx When parasites fill your abdomen, take a deep breath, see your primary care provider, and ENJOY it. As a new host, try to name your new parasites with care. Welcome to the beautiful new you. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space, www.lastpodcastlive.com for new special $6.66) Featuring: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Petitions for Worthy Congregants Story: “Goodnight My Love” Template for Leaving Your Family A new 522 Club next week, and after that a new, spicy Story. Ooh ooh! Merch, for Hosts: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Parasites: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

102. Are You Afraid of the Story? May 05, 2020

Hello? Who’s there? The Church is CLOSED. Oh! Goodness! It’s just you, listener. Join the clergy in the dead of night, in the empty Church, as we recount our share of spookies: Brother Reid Endures a Visitor Sister Callista Surrenders to the Parcel Pastor Andrew Interrupts Tragedy Oh how we wish the congregation could join us in hot, steamy PERSON. Merch, for Bodies: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Souls: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

101. The Perfect Man Apr 22, 2020

Marriage consumes lives as often as it saves them. Have you been consumed by a partner, whole, so every piece of you seeks to serve the other? On the tottering seesaw of codependence, were your feet on the ground, or did you wobble in the sky, eyes focused solely on the greedy heft of your spouse? What sound will you make when you fall? This service to this here Story was crafted in conjunction with loyal patron and VIP Story Glory Guard Congregant Skylar S. Grease upon you! Invocation Psalm: “Babybotomies” Corporate Sponsor: Paul Giamatti’s Giamatteeth Liturgical Reading: “The Perfect Man” A Plea for Teeth Merch: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt Non-Canon Tracks Utilized as source music by This Story (in order of use): Jazz Tune by Loops Lab Catchy Country by Andy Slater Cuban Samba by StellarTracks Church Organ by Stockwaves Electro Jam by StudioMonkey

100. It Will Last Forever Apr 07, 2020

On this, our one-hundredth proper episode, Chalms guides us to profound questions: What were you doing in the Soviet Union between 1978 and 1984? Did you suffer for your crimes? Or is your suffering yet to come? Heh heh, atone, congregants. Atone! Residing Congregant: Chalms Invocation Petitions on behalf of Worthy Congregants Liturgical Reading: “It Will Last Forever” The Boy, The Bell We have merch to spread the Story to your closet and cabinet. Slurp from within, and sup upon: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt

99. The Dreamt City Mar 24, 2020

The places you visit in your dreams are real! The people within will find you! They will yell at you! Ohhh what did you do? Because I tell you what: you DESERVE it. Invocation Medal Award Ceremony Recipient: Woodrow the Dog Liturgical Reading: “The Dreamt City” The Return Ohhh help us enduuure, allow us to prosper: patreon.com/tsmbt

98. The Wandering Narrator Mar 10, 2020

We’re boned, congregants! Yeah, we screwed the pooch bad, chomped a big fat one, sat on a REAL stinker. Even the Story knows turmoil, Narrator and Listener alike. Dang! Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Solemn Congregants Liturgical Reading: “The Wandering Narrator” The Return Slop like a pig in the pen of our spiiiicy Patreon: patreon.com/tsmbt

97. The Replacement Feb 25, 2020

Greeting cards bring joy and consolation to the grieving and joyous. Imagine a card that brings ruin. What would the card say? Do you believe the card, or deny the truth it has brought you? What will you do when you are replaced? The CORY Imploring of Recipes Liturgical Reading: “The Replacement” Concluding Prayer We got hot merch, yeah you know about it: www.topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt

96. Their Unholy Spirit Feb 11, 2020

You know that feeling when you hug your aunt and she whispers in your ear, “I’m proud of the way you cut hair, Eugene”? Well, this one is also about feelings! Feelings deep down! Feelings with feelings. Feelings ready to CONSUME. Ruff ruff, snort snort, congregants. Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Righteous Congregants MORE CORY Liturgical Reading: “Their Unholy Spirit” Concluding Prayer Patreon us true, and sup gentle on our extra splashes: patreon.com/tsmbt

95. Little Brother Jan 28, 2020

Brothers come in all sizes! In the Story, the biggest brother shall be the littlest, and vice versa yeah you get it. If there’s one truth for you in today’s Story, it is this: some kids are real chunks-a shit. Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Humble Congregants CORY Liturgical Reading: “Little Brother” Concluding Prayer Did you know we have an exclusive Discord channel just for congregants? Gain access at patreon.com/tsmbt

94. Dick Dvorak Bowls a Perfect Game Jan 14, 2020

Yeah drink a brew, pop a mozz’ stick, and bowl yourself a handsome strike, you goof! This Story is about bowling and probably NOTHING else. Nope! Stop askin questions! Oh also?? Uh, yeah: we’re RICH. Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Wealthy Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Dick Dvorak Bowls a Perfect Game” Concluding Prayer Join our wealthy, ohh just swimmin in smackers church at patreon.com/tsmbt

A False Year's Bonus Dec 31, 2019

Congregants gather and spit runny in your palms, because we got something you'll wanna grease up and hog down on. YEAH: a BONUS episode. Contained in this thoughtful bonus: Spider Bite Shake My Hand An Important Story About Marriage Featuring the Boy Next Tuesday, for patrons we will have a 522 Club episode, and will return the following week with a brand new Story. PLUMP.

93. More More More Christmas Heresies Dec 23, 2019

False holiday alarm! Ring ring ralse! If this bell’s a-ringin’ then a Story is false. On this day, we arrive early, for no reason, only to give you extra time upon which to stew on these heresies true. STEW! Invocation Uncle Story Liturgical Reading: “More More More Christmas Heresies” Concluding Prayer A patreon has come to you, healthy and honest! Join the 522 Club and hear a new “podcast” Patreon.com/tsmbt

92. Hot Pics Wedding Rings OK - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski Dec 10, 2019

Ohh send me a sexy pic, sexfriend. Heh heh, oh I’m a person alright, wink wink hush, a sexperson ready to sex, sex, sex! All I need is a lil ol thing called, um, your social security number ;) Guest: Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski (Get tickets for the Page 7/Wizard and the Bruiser live shows at www.lastpodcastnetwork.com/p7live) Patreon announcement Invocation Grease Fire! Liturgical Reading: “Hot Pics Wedding Rings OK” Concluding Prayer Ooh gander upon the Story symbol pin! The Cro-Croa mug! They are now available at www.topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt

91. Maps Of The North Nov 26, 2019

A stranger is coming! When they confront you, will you endure or crumple? Heh heh, oh, congregant, the question was rhetorical! We all crumple before the stranger—when the stranger is the STORY. Invocation Psalm: “Four Showers” Liturgical Reading: “Maps of the North” Concluding Prayer A Story symbol pin! A Cro-Croa mug! Coming oh so soon. Await it here: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast

90. Family Union Nov 12, 2019

Some families are small, some are swollen and grotesque. Some families have daddies, some have secrets. The Crispos invite you to learn about their aged clan—do you dare deny them? Invocation Testimonial: The Dream of Sister Callista Liturgical Reading: “Family Union” Concluding Prayer We have merch and more is on the way. Check it truly here: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast

89. The Forgotten Man Oct 29, 2019

Forget your mom! Forget your dad! Forget your siblings! Forget everything if it means remembering the Story. Forget your own dang self, heck, see if the Story cares. The Story cares about you only if you LOVE the Story to your own ruin. It is NOT a dick move. Invocation The Matter of Chalms’ Disappearance Liturgical Reading: “The Forgotten Man” A Baptism VIDEOS. Yes! VIDEOS! Watch: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

88. The Passage Of Memory Oct 15, 2019

Our families fade from us. It is an effort to keep them by our side. The Story knows how our minds slip and slosh! Anyhowwww, today is Devon’s birthday, and we threw a special service just for him. He is our groundskeeper, and a pathetic man. Forgive us for including him. Invocation Devon’s Birthday Memories Liturgical Reading: “The Passage of Memory” The Matter of Chalms’ Identity We have videos! Oh so many for your eyes and gentle mouths. Watch here: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

87. He Thinks He’s Sklorripu - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely Oct 01, 2019

Bury a bone in the flesh matrix. Bark, growl, and yip, ya goof! Pet ownership is difficult, but so is pet personship. If you—even for a second—think this is supposed to be funny, you can trot off to a euthanasiarium, cuz this one is SERIOUS. Guest Preacher Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser & Page 7 podcasts, holdenatorsho on Twitch) Invocation Waxy Slime Liturgical Reading: “He Thinks He’s Sklorripu” Concluding Metamorphosis Swell on it wholesale. Plump on the newest video at youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

85. Cardinal Ed Larson in "Took'd" Sep 03, 2019

Beloved guest preacher and devoted congregant Cardinal Ed Larson returns to tell us the Story of his latest tale of derring-do. With guest appearances from Meryl Streep, Kevin James, Dax Shepard and MIKE MYERS*. Guest Preacher: Ed Larson (Podcast: The Brighter Side, Historical Roasts with Jeff Ross, Thick Skin with Jeff Ross, Roundtable of Gentlemen) Invocation Chalms is teething! Cardinal Ed Larson in Took'd! Concluding Prayer We have some real hotty totty videos coming out. The newest one will drop on Thursday UH HUHHHH. * All celebrity voices impersonated flawlessly.

A Message To The Congregation Aug 27, 2019

In place of Its traditional Service, the Story has an important announcement for the congregation. The Story is bold, mysterious and greasy. Might we endure Its proclamation with fear and greasy jubilation.

84. The Object Therapist - Guest Preacher Katie Hartman Aug 20, 2019

Kitchen appliances hate you. Your microwave talks behind your back, and your blender blends only spite. We all have emotional mixups, and that includes the less conventionally sentient. Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (“The Week Of” on Netflix, Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting) Invocation Psalm: “Pain Cereal” Liturgical Reading: “The Object Therapist” Concluding Prayer We love you. We beg the Story to treat you right. Heh heh, we’ll see if It listens.

83. Come On Ride A Train Aug 13, 2019

Chugga chugga chugga chugga, choo choo. Choo choo Story chugga chugga choo CHOO! Story chugga choo, Story chugga chugga. Train whistle! Train whistle, Story! Heh, chugga choooo. Invocation The Rite of the Blessing Hose Liturgical Reading: “Come on Ride a Train” Concluding Prayer This is likely the last of our refurbished Stories from the apocrypha of season 1. Embrace it like your son returned to you after six years exile. Next week, we’ll have something sweet and new, ooh, and your son will leave you again.

82. Last Impressions - Guest Preacher Henry Zebrowski Aug 06, 2019

Anyone could be you. You are a buncha bodily tics and vocal inflections. A rude friend or knowing coworker could rip you apart to everyone’s amusement, you bet. Could rip you up like deli cuts of ham, heh heh. Guest Preacher: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left, Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell) Invocation Impressions of the Clergy Liturgical Reading: “Last Impressions” Concluding Prayer Next week we got something spicy, and it’ll get you grinning, most like.

81. The Auction Jul 30, 2019

What is your most prized possession? Did you say, “The Story?” WRONG. You cannot own the Story. Did you say, “I dunno, grease?” WRONG. Grease is purely transactional, and cannot be accrued. Did you say, “The B**?” Heh heh, ohhh triiiicky. Enjoy this Story from the vault of Season One, and sup proper on our congealing truth. Invocation Cooking with the Story Liturgical Reading: “The Auction” Tasting We return next week with a hot truth ready to blister in your sweet mouth.

80. The Famous Man - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski Jul 23, 2019

I remember your face. Yes, those fine lines, the scar, the dead tooth, the way your eyes go dead at the word “Story.” Here, we all know your face. Here, we’ve waited, eager for your arrival. We know you more than you know yourself. Let us guide you. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Petitions for a Gooey Congregation Liturgical Reading: “The Famous Man” Concluding Prayer Don’t forget to punish yourself. For what? Oh, congregant, you know. YOU know.

79. How Do You Torture It? - Guest Preacher Ashley Brooke Roberts Jul 16, 2019

Witness a laboratory of pain! Enjoy the wracking breaths of mechanical life! Grin at the abasements, or perhaps, shed a salty tear. Nothing unites us like pain, especially when it’s for another. Guest Preacher: Ashley Brooke Roberts (@AshleyBRoberts, the Reality Blows podcast) Invocation A Surprise for a Lost Woman Liturgical Reading: “How Do You Torture It?” Concluding Prayer The Story is hiding inside you. Take a spoon and find it!

78. There When You Need Me Jul 09, 2019

When the sick have fallen, do you bend your sweet lil knee? Oooh, do you squat those hams, look your sweaty neighbor in the eye and say, "You alright, my good friend?" Yeah yeah, don't tell me your secrets, no no, keep that to yourself. Listen righteously, because this one "happened." Invocation Demonstration of A Novel Life Saving Technique/GreaCR Liturgical Reading: “There When You Need Me” Concluding Prayer No! I said, "don't tell me your secrets!" Well, that does it. Yeah, I didn't want to know your secrets, but now I do. Yep, heh heh, every gosh darn one. Now you have to come back. Otherwise I'll tell Uncle Garnns what you did to his cherry tomatoes one after another after ANOTHER.

77. After The Attack Jul 02, 2019

We collected signatures to change the name of New York City to “Storytown USA.” The governor saw our thousands of signatures, frowned, bent over, and licked the paper until he consumed every one. “Your names are mine!” He grinned, tongue black as ink. This Story is what happens to your city when you deny it the STORY. Featuring: Ashley Brooke Roberts (@AshleyBRoberts, the Reality Blows podcast) Invocation MORE Petitions for Chalms Liturgical Reading: “After the Attack” Concluding Prayer In exactly seven days, if you hear the Story again, the Story will bless you and fondle your ancestors with the smooth touch of Story.

76. Burying Jun 25, 2019

Unsolicited acts of violence are the yeast that makes the doughy truth of Story rise, overfill Its pan, and crisp on the oven floor. Bash! Ungh! Guuugh. Yeah, sometimes these Stories get grisly, and when they do, we just gotta shake our heads and whisper, “ohhhh.” Enjoy this tender tale of friendship to which we can allllll relate. Invocation Psalm: “A Sack Full of Batteries” Liturgical Reading: “Burying” Concluding Prayer Next week we return with a brand new Story for you to swallow, dissolve, and absorb.

74. Goats and Sheep Jun 18, 2019

Yeah this one’s for Chalms. That sweet tot, so sickly, so goo goo gooey. We found him in a tree! Reflect, as Chalms must, on the end of all days, when the good are divided from the evil. Witness as the false Story some call “Lord” does their regular spring cleaning of humanity. Invocation Petitions for Chalms Liturgical Reading: “Goats and Sheep” Concluding Prayer Yes yes, this week’s Story comes from our season one archives. Next week will be the same, then we return fresh, rested, and eager to instruct our congregants.

73. Grunster and the Gruntmunks Jun 11, 2019

Children are produced by squishes and sweat. A Gruntmunk is not so different, except unlike a child, it SINGS. May we all become Gruntmunks, those cherubs of pop music and the forebears of the Story. Invocation Psalm: “Eighteen Dog Bird Hogs ” Liturgical Reading: “Grunster and the Gruntmunks” Concluding Prayer Next week we will witness the Story together, and if you blink we’ll get MAD at you.

72. The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 2 - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowksi Jun 04, 2019

Larvae grow up, sniff sniff, and they change! Mutation and abomination is built into the lifespan of the insect, phases of unconscionable puberty inflicted on the lil bug, boo hoo. Shed a tear for the beetles, for they know tragedy. This is a Part 2. The Story forbids listen unless you did your Story duty with Part 1. Yeah, we PUNISH in this church. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Psalm: “Big Sassy Kitty” Liturgical Reading: “The Smallest Beetle OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 2” Concluding Prayer Our bugtruth complete, may we now go out to our communities and bring our insectoid neighbors IN. Next week we’ll have something fresh and stupid for you.

71. The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 1 - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowksi May 28, 2019

When humanity is gone, the world will have a good laugh, comb its balding scalp, and ‘get back to it.’ What will the remaining species think of us, and what might they build in our shadow? The following Story is no Story at all, but a documentary that simply hasn’t happened yet! Yeah, this one is all true, yeah, this is a goddamn prophecy, a prophecy about BUGS. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Psalm: “I Have Decided to Live in Filth” Liturgical Reading: “The Smallest Beetle OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 1” Concluding Prayer Part 2 of this hissing, clicking Story will arrive next week and incapacitate you with its wholesome truth.

70. Iron Churnsly - Guest Preacher Jake Young May 21, 2019

Copper! Aluminum! Iron! These are METALS. We are made out of some of them, but only in pathetic, insulting quantities. We hardly register to magnets, and our capacity to conduct is negligible! May we scorn flesh, and praise metal! METAL—the most cost-effective conduit of Story proper. Guest Preacher: Jake Young (Wizard and the Bruiser podcast, Cartoon Hell on dropout.tv, @bestjakeyoung) Invocation Psalm: “Greasy” Liturgical Reading: “Iron Churnsly” Concluding Prayer Next Tuesday will be the day the Story finds you and finally robs you of your will to resist the Story.

69. Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One May 14, 2019

The whole world blooms with seeds, but some seeds are unknown, some pollens unnatural—what is sown surprises. We welcome all unknowns, because when they spell out our demise, they use novel letters and innovative techniques. We can learn from a grisly undoing done cleverly, but what we cannot learn is to not be undone. Darn! Invocation Psalm: “Hungry Man Dinner” Liturgical Reading: “Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One” Concluding Prayer Return to us Tuesday and the Story will be waiting for you.

68. When You Watch Me May 07, 2019

This one is for you, in all your greasy splendor. Do you like it when I talk about your greases? Heh heh, yeah, that's what I thought. Ooh, you better listen to this one, because you're a part of it, and soon, it will be all you remember. Invocation Psalm: “How to Swallow Loose Change for the Story” Liturgical Reading: “When You Watch Me" Concluding Prayer We return on Tuesdays, Tuesday-style, and this next Tuesday will be no exception—OK?

67. Hoofs And Feet Apr 30, 2019

A barnyard animal makes barnyard noises and behaves as though all the world, the very universe, is a barnyard. They kick up mud, and make a toilet of any dang carpet. We can learn gentle grace from our barnyard companions! We can learn to “take it easy,” and make our puddle wherever we do choose. Oh Story! Thank you for your profound examples to us, the congregation. Invocation Psalm: “Cory Had a Little Lamb” Liturgical Reading: “Hoofs and Feet” Concluding Prayer Tuesday is the day the Story comes to life, groans sweetly, and crawls inside your ear. It’ll happen to you next Tuesday, squirm-style.

66. The New Consciousness in Town Apr 26, 2019

Few people die while waiting for an oil change. This Story seeks to change that. What better time to lay down and offer oneself to the Story than while your Oldsmobile undergoes a transformation from car sickly to car pure and fresh? Some of you might remember this Story from our lost, forgotten, “first season,” and it has returned to you like an obedient pup. Plump upon it, this episode of bonus Story truth. Invocation Psalm: “Drip” Liturgical Reading: “The New Consciousness in Town” Concluding Prayer On Tuesday, we will be right and proper for you, dripping in the grease of Story profound.

65. Goodbye Hirsutaline Apr 23, 2019

Shh! Listen quietly! Ears listen, and someone is out there, aiming to take the Story down. Keep the Story inside you, like swallowing a big chunky pill called “Story.” Some pills are easy to swallow, but this one might catch inside you, or smear your greases with unknown side effects. Rub your tum, eat a cracker, and hold tight as we figure this alllll out. Invocation Psalm: “New Hair” Liturgical Reading: “Goodbye Hirsutaline” Concluding Prayer Let’s promise each other, if we make it through this, we’ll meet here, in this same spot, for another Story pure. I love you.

64. The Third Sermon of Cardinal Larson: Cardinal Larson in “Quick and Furious” Apr 16, 2019

Cardinal Larson is full of the Story’s writhing vigor, yet he thirsts! Even those bursting with the Story’s hefty goodness still demand a tangy Cro-Croa. But when shipments of the Story’s fizzy truth go missing, what is a Cardinal to do? Listen here, you hot shit, and plump on this here tale of deceit, classic Italian dishes, and Story pure. Guest Preacher: Ed Larson (Brighter Side podcast) Invocation Psalm: “Look Out Corpse Doctor” The Third Sermon of Cardinal Larson: Cardinal Larson in “Quick and Furious” Concluding Prayer Tuesday will come around again, like a goddamn rash. Don’t use lotion!

63. The Interceptor Part II Apr 09, 2019

"The Story teased us true, teased us to deplete / If you only heard part 1, you knew Story incomplete." That’s a little couplet about the ignorance of even THINKING you could handle part 2 of a Story profound without a part 1 first, yeah, you betcha. Here, we indulge in the conclusion of The Interceptor, and meditate on this truth: what does it take for the Story to make you happy? Invocation Psalm: “A Doo Ra Ree” Liturgical Reading: “The Interceptor Part II” Concluding Prayer Next Tuesday the Story will find out where you live and visit you STORYSTYLE. A new shirt is for sale! Cro-Croa can now engulf you proper: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast/products/lpn-ts-crocroa

62. The Interceptor Part I Apr 02, 2019

The human head is an opaque aquarium within which rude fish do swim. A fish named “envy,” an eel named “fantasy,” a crab so gross it should not be named. Who would wish to swim these waters, knowing how easy it is to be bitten? Invocation Psalm: “Hardyy” Liturgical Reading: “The Interceptor Part 1” Concluding Prayer Join us next Tuesday for the joyous conclusion: The Interceptor Part 2. A new shirt is for sale, to Cro-Croa the Story all over thee: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast/products/lpn-ts-crocroa

61. Flies! Mar 26, 2019

Pardon our various infestations: ants, dogs, and wretchedness. Yes, the body of the church swarms with pestilence, but there is no cure. The best we can do is find good in the unwelcome, adapt our lives to enjoy nuisance. Invocation Psalm: “Not Tapioca” Liturgical Reading: “Flies!” Concluding Prayer Next week we return with a fresh truth for your truthflesh to truth upon.

60. They Made A Strange Love - Guest Preacher Joe Pera Mar 19, 2019

Love is like the faint reek of urine: it’s in the air. Breathe deep, brothers and sisters, and welcome the Story’s acid love into your mush of bronchial tubes. Become hamburger for your partner, mush between their fingers, and gel between their toes. Love can mean a lot, but to the Story, it means becoming a fine human paste. Guest Preacher: Joe Pera (Joe Pera Talks with You, Dan Joe DVD Show) Invocation Psalm: “Rude Tattoos” Liturgical Reading: “They Made a Strange Love” Concluding Prayer Join us next week, or we’ll find you.

59. The Ballad Of Prepsa Mar 12, 2019

Bubbles pop in my belly, a carbonated delight fizzles righteously. CRO-CROA. Mmm it goes down so smooth, and probably because it’s the only drink endorsed by the Story. So what then, does this mean of the “other drink” we refuse to name but must do so here? Yes. Yes: Prepsi. Listen and do discover, uh huh. For nothing righteous does fizzle from a liquid the Story denies. Invocation Introductory Story: “Goslings Gone Gooey” Liturgical Psalm: “The Ballad of Prepsa” Concluding Prayer We return to you the next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, until your bones are but calcified Story and your liquids but Hot Hot Cro-Croa.

58. New York City Girl Mar 05, 2019

Tee hee hee, the Story has a Story planned for you. Rough mornings, rude meetings, bad days, and rotten weeks, the Story has orchestrated each and every one. Ask yourself: why does the Story demand such punishment? Will it ever relent? Then answer yourself with a giddy, shrieking: NO. Invocation Psalm: “Rocks, Rocks, Rocks” Liturgical Reading: “New York City Girl” The Secret Words of the Story Next week, oh next week, the Story will replace us again, and goo us up with unruly truth.

57. The Bear Musician - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks Mar 01, 2019

The Story sloshed over the rim of the Story cup, and did spill one fresh for you. In this special bonus service, we witness a young Bruno, and his cowardice before the agony of Story. This Story originally appeared in "Creepypasta XIII: A Meat's Dream" on Last Podcast on the Left. We relive this Story—sup upon its eager drips! Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7) Invocation Psalm: “Check the Trunk” Liturgical Reading: “The Bear Musician” Concluding Prayer Enjoy this special treat of Story pure. We return on Tuesday with your regularly scheduled service, sweet sweet.

56. More More More More More More More Short Stories Feb 26, 2019

These stories are like the screams from Purkley Katzman's gnashing mouth as the gears did their work upon him: short, savory, juice-juicy. We honor stories both short and long, but today we hold a special place for those truths that punish the ear quickly. Sup upon each, and yearn! Yearn! Invocation Psalm: “I'm a Gym Teacher” Liturgical Reading: “More More More More More More More Short Stories” Concluding Prayer The Story is ripe, and we chew it up and honk it down. Honk one with us next week as well, ooh ooh.

55. Ghosts Are Hazy Life Feb 19, 2019

Life is a spectrum, full of mushy inbetweens only alive enough to know pain. Not everything which is dead was once alive, but all that lives, however minutely, does perish. Ha! Haha! The Story teaches us even full life is but half life, and half life is but a web of memories disappearing. Squint and you can see it, but how easily it is brushed to threads. So the Story sayeth: ooooooOOooooohhhhh. Invocation Psalm: “The Agony Table” Liturgical Reading: “Ghosts Are Hazy Life” Concluding Prayer Truths abound, Stories enflamed, we love the Story, we speak Its name. See your fresh greases next week squish squish.

54. Heart Of Worms Feb 12, 2019

Say goodbye to who you used to be, because the Story will replace your eyes, your mind, and your heart. O Story! Hollow me out, dump the refuse in the shitter, and fill me up with the ignorant stranger of Story. I don’t want to recognize my family, nor my dog. But I will always recognize the Story—obedient and eternal. Invocation Psalm: “Come Get Your Casserole” Liturgical Reading: “Heart of Worms” Concluding Prayer Next week, oh next week, the Story will replace us again, and goo us up with unruly truth.

53. The Wind Feb 05, 2019

Wooosh wooosh that’s the wind and it says, “I’m gonna getcha.” Oh, that nasty wind, always blowing foul tidings down our chimney, stirring ashes and breaking branches. Today, we read a Story about such a wind, and bow our heads in contrition so that it does not visit us. Invocation Psalm: “Seven Roys” Liturgical Reading: “The Wind” Concluding Prayer Next week we will return with a Story true, hearts a-bursting, bowels a-rattling.

52. The House Of Crispo Part 2 Jan 29, 2019

Brother Reid has recovered, though his mind is scrambled like a blood egg. He returns to finish the Story, and gulp of the Story’s fine juices. Boys grow disobedient, but the Story rectifies all trespasses through the purifying agony of Story. Story! Invocation Liturgical Reading: “The House of Crispo Part 2” Concluding Prayer We love you and enjoy your presence. Join us again next Tuesday, perhaps on Spotify if you’re naughty heh heh.

51. The House Of Crispo Part 1 Jan 22, 2019

Cherish the disobedient child. Cherish their ignorance. For only the rude and stupid can be enveloped into the heart of the Story. It is our duty to bring new, empty minds to the Story, to our homes, so it may fill them with the light of Story. Oh Story! May we harvest a human crop for you. Invocation Psalm: “The Light of the Father” Liturgical Reading: “The House of Crispo Part 1” Concluding Prayer Next Tuesday we return. Next Tuesday, we finish this. Check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy” https://vimeo.com/226796022 Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service: https://vimeo.com/297286015

50. The Son Of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds Jan 15, 2019

I’ll make you my son if you don’t behave, and you won’t like what happens to my sons. Ohh they do ALL of daddy’s chores, and of mommy they must anoint. It’s a threat, and it’s TRUE, whether you are mother, aunt, or nephew, you’ll all suffer as sons. This Story is a testament to how easily a son is named and exchanged, and how all sons grow inconvenienced on the turbulent winds of discourse. Invocation Psalm: “Anointed in Yoghurt” Liturgical Reading: “The Son of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds” Concluding Prayer Next Tuesday is a day for treats, as the Story is once again gooily invoked. Check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy” https://vimeo.com/226796022 Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service: https://vimeo.com/297286015

49. Farm Fresh - Guest Preacher Jared Logan Jan 08, 2019

The uterus should be called “the Story box” because it is where all our Stories begin! Nothing invigorates the Story like the squeals of an infant in the wet folds of a mother, or better yet, two infants, or three or four! Today, we hear the Story of a man who becomes mother, whose Story box writhed with Stories blessed. Guest Preacher: Jared Logan (@JaredLogan) Invocation Psalm: “Cornshit” Liturgical Reading: “Farm Fresh” Concluding Prayer Hoo hoo, hee hee, the Story dies and the story breathes. Next Tuesday, it will gunk us full of a new truth. Don’t forget to check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy” https://vimeo.com/226796022 Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service: https://vimeo.com/297286015

48. Overheard At The Party Jan 02, 2019

Many of you attended parties recently, to ring in a false year endorsed by no Story but by the liar we call “Calendar.” Do not congregate, least of all for the ringing of a false bell. For, by attending any gathering the Story does not endorse, you fall prey to every rude temptation! Illicit wares, rowdy conversation, and sounds you cannot unhear. Stay home, warm yourself with but the Story, and abandon any friend the Story does not already claim. Invocation Psalm: “A Thing Going ‘Round” Liturgical Reading: “Overheard at the Party” Concluding Prayer This Story had to be told, and next week another will beg for similar justice. Ohhh, we cannot deny you. Don’t forget to check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy” https://vimeo.com/226796022 Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service: https://vimeo.com/297286015

A Statement Concerning Christmas Dec 25, 2018

The Story rejects Christmas because Christmas rejects the Story. Do not let anything into your hearts that is not the Story! That's a sure way to heart-rot, and I wouldn't lie to you. In protest to this corrupt season, we give but one gift: the gift of the STORY. We performed our first live service for a congregation in Brooklyn this past October, and today, we share the full video of that service. Along with that, please enjoy heretical Christmas music, laced with the sounds of war. A link to this service: https://vimeo.com/297286015 Introductory Words Invocation of Saint Arlenia Redworm Video Testimonial 1 Psalm: "Mouth of Foam" Video Testimonial 2 Confession: Jessica's Story Video Testimonial 3 Introduction: Steve and Brandy The Story: The Dog, The Boy Closing Prayer We return next Tuesday with a service corrupted not by this foul season, but blessed with the spirit of the new year.

Bonus Episode: The Stories of Heretical Christmas Dec 21, 2018

Our hearts are burdened with love for you, our dear congregation. Our arteries are full of well wishes! Our veins are clogged with oxygen-depleted wishes. We are a chugging machine whose only duty is to love you and make you feel the seasonal spirit of the Story. That said, Christmas is a lie. Reject falsehood. Embrace the Story! Invocation Liturgical Reading: "The Wisest of the Them All" Liturgical Reading: "He's Coming to Town" Enjoy this present from the clergy here at The Story Must Be Told, of our heretical stories of the false holiday. We gave it to you last year, too. We will have another treat for you this coming Tuesday, so prepare yon bodies for the delights they shall endure.

47. We Wish You Were A Worm Dec 18, 2018

Dirt is a home for those who eat dirt, who take long naps in dirt, and mate, sloppy, in the dirt. As our bodies fall apart and our guts squish with painful gases, remember the dirt, a healthy place you will one day go. Have you considered how happy it will make your family? Invocation Psalm: “Rodney Has Sores” Liturgical Reading: “We Wish You Were a Worm” Concluding Prayer The Story is born on a Tuesday, every Tuesday, and you better believe the next birth will be messsssssy. Don’t forget to check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy” @tsmbtpod or our SoundCloud.

46. The Mathematics Of Grocery Stores Dec 11, 2018

The grocer is our friend in commerce and our enemy in the Story. We do not deserve options for cereal, nor variety in our nut butters, whole wheat crackers, and lunchmeat. Give us but one choice, so that we might smack it up in our greedy mouths, and masticate masticate masticate. Hmmph. The Story alone is our satisfaction, and when food runs out, which it will, it alone will fill us. Invocation Psalm: “Web of Delights” Liturgical Reading: “The Mathematics of Grocery Stores” Concluding Admonition The Story will return to you next week, hot as a ham, juicy as a coldcut. Sup sup!

45. It's My Right Dec 04, 2018

Every show on TV is sinful, shameful, and lacking in the Story. Does society and mainstream media intentionally shun the Story and its truths, or is it simply blind? The result is the same: the Story denies you. Listen as the Story denies our own congregant, Devon Harris, his simple joys, body, and sustenance. Listen, and learn this lesson: even at our lowest, the Story is yet waiting. Invocation Testimony: Devon Harris, divorcee Liturgical Reading: “It’s My Right” Concluding Sacrament Spitting Next week the Story will be waiting, for it exists in all weeks, outside of weeks—the Story is the week itself.

44. Gone And Still Here Nov 28, 2018

The songs I hear on the radio talk to me, and what they say no one should hear. Everything talks. The city breathes and sighs, and the fields caw and cry. Every creature makes sound, but not all are heard. Sometimes, a voice is lost, muffled, suffocated. Silence is proof of immeasurable loss. Invocation Psalm: “A Father’s Deception” Liturgical Reading: “Gone and Still Here” Concluding Prayer Poke your fingers into your ears and wiggle wiggle till you can’t hear no more. Scritch scritch! Seeyasweets Tuesday, hmm.

43. An Intruder Intrudes Nov 20, 2018

Look out! You can’t lock the door! Nothing stops this stranger, and gosh, that’s the rough stuff about it, when you get down to the Story’s bitter truth. Love your loved ones, because tomorrow, by the Story’s fickle whims, you may not love them anymore. One day, you may wake up, and only love puzzles, and that’s who you are now. Oh, what sinister winds the Story blows this week. Wear a hat! Invocation Psalm: “Brain Meat, Brain Meat” Liturgical Reading: “An Intruder Intrudes” Concluding Prayer Tuesday is the day the Story has set aside for us. If you don’t love the Story on a Tuesday you might as well never love again.

42. A Thunderstorm In There Nov 13, 2018

“Brain meat, brain juice / Slice the scalp, and let it loose.” That’s a psalm by good ol’ Saint Chunkworm, about that unsatisfactory organ cramping our skulls. Nothing up there to care for, so the Story tells us. Drink a brew, smoke a stink, do what you can, so your brain won’t think. Heh, that’s a psalm by me! Gosh, what a special time we share together. Invocation Psalm: “Jeff’s Disobedient Arms” Liturgical Reading: “A Thunderstorm in There” Concluding Prayer When Tuesday arrives again, so too will the Story. The Story’s just a lil Tuesday Baby, grinnin up at ya, droolin, goobin, just ready to rend you apart.

41. The Bird That Learned About Weekends Nov 06, 2018

On Saturdays, I make love to leisure. On Sundays, I caress the gentle, sweaty folds of relaxation. Yes, we’re all lovers of “time off,” but we never think to question the unholy rhythm it creates—a cessation of nature’s beating heart. The Story tells us clearly: to stratify the days into rude geometries is a sin demanding the utmost punishment. The Story will cut off the feet of any weekend warrior, consume the hands of any weekday apologist. Invocation Psalm: “Daddy, the Fuckman” Liturgical Reading: “The Bird That Learned About Weekends” Concluding Prayer Next Tuesday we will be here for you and we will never leave you ever ever ever. The Story is the only source of good in the world, and the only happy truth in a world of uh ohs and nuh uhs.

40. Brothers Oct 30, 2018

The “family tree” is an invasive species, a plant of the damned. It robs nutrients, hoards genetics, and drops human apples of flesh and parasites to spoil the ground. Cut the tree down! Axe it into planks, so it may become something useful: a boat, a shelf, or ooh, maybe a coffin. All families are false Stories, so deny, deny, deny! Description: Invocation Psalm: “Cul de Sac” Liturgical Reading: “Brothers” Concluding Prayer Join us next Tuesday, and we’ll join you, wriggle into your ears, and plump in your belly like a damn Story sausage.

39. The Book Of Melody - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski Oct 23, 2018

Oh, this bod bursts with song! I am a husk for tasty tunes, a chrysalis for zesty rhythms. What worse is there then, than talent wasted? Imagine a sweet baby that learned to juggle, or a dog that learned to speak. If any creature on The Story’s earth were to impede such expression, would not we all demand their squishy demise? Yes, yes, yes, even if it were the babe or pup themselves. Let that song loose! Write that dirge! Juggle that knife! The Story demands it. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Psalm: “Tot Scramble” Liturgical Reading: “The Book of Melody” Concluding Prayer We have a fresh Story next week, and it’ll unsettle thee proper uh huh.

38. The Realtor Oct 16, 2018

The Story gives us our homes and today it takes one away. A home is but a house without the Story stirring within—do not think you control this process for even a goddamn second. Go ahead, make meals, make stinks, make squirts, and sire children in your house. It’ll be nothing more than a Squirt Tomb, a Stink Den, a Meal Prison, a Gamete Shack without the caress of the Story. Try to find happiness any other way and you’ll find such folly lacking. Lacking! Lacking! Invocation Sacrament: The Story Claims a Home Liturgical Reading: “The Realtor” Concluding Prayer Thank you for enduring—oh Story you endured!—these reimagined truths from our first season. Our first live show is behind us. We have been reborn in the Story’s graces. Thus, starting next week, we will have a bounty of fresh Stories to enjoy, dear congregant. We love you as the Story loves you.

37. The Boys Open Oct 09, 2018

Two boys in the courthouse. Two boys with the clerk. Two boys in the swimming pool. Two boys out to work. Gosh, all those boys! Of course, sometimes one slides under the tractor, turns to boyslaw. Can’t help that! Oh, how the boys leave us, in their great numbers, to writhe their puny sinnin’ souls in Boyrgatory. This treat from our first season will grin sweetly in your ears as we wrench ourselves gruesome on the needy gears of our Live Show, which we birth this Thursday. Goo goo, slick slick. Invocation Sacrament: The Blessing of the Boys Liturgical Reading: “The Boys Open” Concluding Prayer That gooey live show truth is arriving oh so damn shortly. Videology Bar in Brooklyn, October 11th. Tickets here: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

36. Hard At Work Oct 02, 2018

Labor is its own reward if what you labor to produce is candy, money, or frothy milk. Otherwise, labor is no reward at all—it is a curse! Beseech the Story that your labor is not so laborious, and that one way or another, your labor will end. Heh, not that the Story cares what you want. That tricky Story! Invocation Psalm: “Dancing, Dancing, Danced” Liturgical Reading: “Hard at Work” Concluding Prayer Our glorious live show will squirm int this world in Brooklyn, October 11th. Tickets here: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

35. The Unruly Teen's Display Sep 25, 2018

Healthy teens, good teens, sinful teens, teens of virtue. There used to be so many kinds of teens! Today we remember them. Burn a candle, pour a drink, smoke a smoke and cry a cry for us, the post-teen society. This truth from our first season has been reborn in the Story’s frothy goodness, a respite as we prepare yon live show. Invocation The Names of Teens Liturgical Reading: “The Unruly Teen’s Display” Concluding Prayer We’re doing a wholesome, virtuous live show in Brooklyn October 11th. Tickets here: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/

34. The Pilot Sep 18, 2018

If you are currently picking a car for your family, we at the Church of the Story can only make this recommendation: consider the minivan. Nothing like a minivan to swell one’s heart, transport one’s family, and doom, doom, DOOM one to fiery embers. Today, as we toil diligently on our upcoming live show, we share with yon faithful one of our favorite Stories from our first season, reborn in gooey ecstasy for your cauliflowered ears. Invocation Psalm: “Dig To Find Your True Self” Liturgical Reading: “The Pilot” Concluding Prayer and Getaway Raffle Alright, heh heh, here’s that link to tickets. Pucker up them smackers for the truth of the Story: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com

33. Pretty Machines Sep 11, 2018

Electronics are our friends, and sometimes our sticky neighbors. Some electronics aid, and some deny, some tend to relationships, and others still play card games on digital screens. What novelty! Yet also: what cruelty to such incipient intelligence. Shame! Shame all around! Invocation A Healing of Ill Consumer Electronics Liturgical Reading: “Pretty Machines” Concluding Prayer You shouldn’t throw batteries away. Hold onto ‘em. Store ‘em under the sink in a plastic bottle. Wait till it’s full. Take it to the farm. Bury it. In ten years all them batteries will be full charge, ready for diskboys and vibrate-friends.

32. The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved Sep 04, 2018

It’s mighty tempting to stick one’s nose in a neighbor’s business. I myself have been guilty of sullying my neighbors’ lives with my hubris. Well here’s a lesson for you: the Story takes an interest in none of us. It has no scorn, and it has no favor. Yet, the Story plies our lives in abundance. We are the clay before a blind potter, hot on pot fever. Heed the Story: stay out of the way! Go on! Get! Invocation A Special Message From Our Sponsors at Cro-Croa Liturgical Reading: “The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved” Concluding Prayer I rode a horse once that was angry as all hell. Buckin and screamin and full of hot piss and rubber’s blood. She sang a song, a creaking melody tarnished by time called “She’ll Be Comin’ 'Round the Mountain.” She ate quarters, and shit nothin at all. Goodbye, horse!

31. Rugged Boy Fancy Kit Aug 28, 2018

Oh, you can’t hide from the Story. The Story finds us in cars, in hospitals, in our cousin’s bathroom and on air-o-planes. The Story finds us, traps us, advances until we’re scared in the corner with a knife in our hand, and then—and ONLY then—does it spread its glimmering grin upon us. Just pray it is the Story you love, and not a false, consumer god, for our Story lasts longer than plastic and pleases better than ANY cream. Invocation Sacrament: Confession Liturgical Reading: “Rugged Boy Fancy Kit” Concluding Prayer Huff yon lungs gentle until our next Tuesday glory, lest they pop on the Story’s sinister wind.

30. Magic Mary and Freddie Fox Go To Magic Town - Guest Preacher Katie Hartman Aug 21, 2018

Gather your children, all the ones you care to, for our service. The Story will invoke in them the rigor of the student, the angst of the sergeant, the filth of the drifter, and the scar of the unrepentant. The Story’s got warnings, children, but also: discipline. And scorn! Grow up! Hurry! Before the good gettings all got! Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting, The Week Of) Invocation Psalm: “Ghost Love/Ghost Love 2” Liturgical Reading: “Magic Mary And Freddy Fox Go To Magic Town” Concluding Prayer We have beauties ahead, and glories abound. Our flock it gathers.

29. The Chimera's Nest Aug 14, 2018

Welcome to our cleansing fire, congregant. Go ahead and toss your squirming bundle onto the pyre if you like—if you’re listening from home, add it to your own fire. O! that char gets the nose tingling. O! how it envigors the soul. We all must be tamed by Story, and if we cannot, must perish in the Church’s hearth for our disobedience. Tell me: what is your shame? Invocation Song: “Flapping Bird” Liturgical Reading: “The Chimera’s Nest” Concluding Prayer We will return next week, cleansed of our unruly animals and congregants. Heh, maybe we’ll have a few extra seats in the pews.

28. The Boat That Went To Hell - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks Aug 07, 2018

All kinds of boats out there, with funny names, too. Brigantine. Schooner. Paddle. In a way, this here church is a boat, and each of you a mate upon its deck. Swab it, dear congregation, to earn your place in the captain’s chambers amidst the dribbling candles and ill-gotten liquors. Do not drink too much, for the captain is one of lechery, and our destination one of sin and tears. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7) Invocation Psalm: “Secrets to Sailors” Liturgical Reading: “The Boat That Went To Hell” Concluding Prayer Yep yep we gobbled that story down like a pastry of vice n uh ohs. What sweet it hath delected upon us, we unfaithful masses, who stir with what the Story hath sired.

27. Oh, Poor Dennis! Jul 31, 2018

Parishioner Chet Ulcers told me a story, and I can’t help but relate it to today’s service. He said he saw his wife at the movies last week. Well, she wasn’t in the seat next to him. She wasn’t in the lobby. Course, for as long as she’d been dead, she shouldn’t have been anywhere. He saw her on the screen—big as a row boat. She was in the back of a Cro-Croa ad, dressed the way Chet said she was buried. Heh, she didn’t smile, heh he, but she sure waved. Invocation Psalm: “A Pestilence of Babies” Liturgical Reading: “Oh Poor Dennis” Concluding Prayer Everyone wrote a poem last week, and we said we’d pick our favorite one for this week’s bulletin. The winning poem was written by eight-year-old Jeck Hefthocks, and it goes like this: Can’t rub life / into a dead cat / unless thems the hands / that snuffed it. Uh oh, he’s a tricksterrr.

26. Who Is Your Milky Boy? - Guest Preacher Danny Tamberelli Jul 24, 2018

It ain’t easy to sire a child with spoiled milk, nuh uh. Stretch on some gloves, milk yon squirters into an old Cro-Croa bottle, and bring yon pride to our collection. We have bottles dappled with sweat, others hot as irons, and some just fulla dregs—pathetic milks I hate to say. What of your milk? Drop a drip, and let us inspect. Guest preacher: Brother Daniel Tamberelli (Danny and Mike podcast, Jounce) Invocation Psalm: “Restaurant Milk” Liturgical Reading: “Who Is Your Milky Boy?” Concluding Prayer Hoo hoo, I been cutting out the prettiest faces I’ve seen in magazines and now I have an envelope full of beauty. Gonna leave their grinning faces in milk overnight, and eat it like curdles in the morning. I will be full of yon soggy beauts come noon.

25. An Awaited Transformation Jul 17, 2018

Sister Callista is a cherub-throated truth-slinger, and she slings it hard n soupy uh huh. There’s truths about Grandmas the Story wants you to know. You better keep them waxy caverns open, so the Story might sluice through yon meat, and transform ye into the acolyte the Story demands. Take a tract, and bend yon knee. Invocation Psalm: “Lil Dog-Fresh” Liturgical Reading: “An Awaited Transformation” Concluding Prayer I saw a grandpa in my dreams and he was a crusty yuckyuck, hairless as a piglet and smaller than a wheelchair. Heh, you wouldn’t believe that grin, when I shared my truth with sprays of oralingus divine.

24. More More More More More Short Stories Jul 10, 2018

Purkley Katzman died in an industrial accident. Got peeled like a dang grape by one of them machines used to stretch leather. Big juicy mess—everyone had a taste. Anyhow, he ain't here for short stories anymore, but you're in luck: Klipplinghands Greasythoughts is his virtuous son. Sniff up these shorts, then pass out from brain-asphyxiation, in the words of our dear STORY. Invocation Psalm: “Coat Closet Stink” Liturgical Reading: “More More More More More Short Stories” Concluding Prayer Ooh ouch ouch, somethin in my bladder is pinching. Might be all them ants I let crawl up my urethra. Stings? Sure. But, hey, at least I'm never alone.

23. When Dominoes Pizza Let A Teen Die - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely Jul 03, 2018

Wear that grin between grease-soaked lips and chew the curds of delights digested. Let the bolus yon esophagus squelches die within ye, turn to dribbling juices and bubbles of harsh swampen gases. We are bodies, hosts of parasites, tombs of delivery morsels, avatars of corporate wisdom. Listen closely to Reverend Holden, mm hmm. Follow his words, and pick a brand with consideration; it may be the only brand you’ll pick again. Guest Preacher: Reverend Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser podcast, holdenatorsho on Twitch) Invocation Psalm: “Pizza Party Ire” Liturgical Reading: “When Dominoes Pizza Let a Teen Die” Concluding Prayer Guess it should be said that all characters and events in this story, even the ones based on real breathing gooey companies, are fictional. Though, c’mon, it’s probably not that fictional, right? Maybe a grease of truth dripped somewhere within? Hey. Don’t sue.

22. Petitions To The Darkness Jun 26, 2018

In the Story we are each victor and we are each prophet. In the Story we are used and abandoned, bankrupt and shallow. Ohh the Story will find you. The Story will know you. In your happiest moment, the Story will decide, uh huh oh no that rascaaal. Invocation Psalm: “Rotten Mary” Liturgical Reading: “Petitions To The Darkness” Concluding Prayer Story, please help me. Oh yeah help me to throw a mean football. Talkin that spin? That healthy arc? Oh yeah, and the arm meats pulsing, and the skin taut and glazed. Ooo help me, Story.

21. The Second Sermon of Cardinal Larson Jun 19, 2018

We are once again graced with the devoted, inspirational Cardinal Larson of the Archdiocese of the Church of the Seven Trusted Greases. He's been a-travelin, a-preachin, a-lovin, and a-greasin. Give him every tiding you can bestow, and he will love you forever. Deny him, and he'll deny you. Preacher: Cardinal Ed Larson (of Brighter Side and Roundtable of Gentlemen) Invocation Psalm: “The Father's Generosity” A Special Sermon from Cardinal Larson Concluding Prayer Somethin gooey and mm mmm comin for yuns next week heh heh

20. The Grease Of Our Elders Jun 12, 2018

Simple delights do not come simple. Even an orange juice, before its juicy demise, first blistered the picker’s palm, stung the eyes of the orangist. Eyes wept, and teeth gnashed for your thirst. Mmmph, there is a sloshing of misery integral to all aqueous liquids, and don’t get me started on syrups and pastes. Invocation Psalm: “Chintub’s Celebration” Liturgical Reading: “The Grease of Our Elders” Concluding Prayer Some adults never grow adult teeth. Just gotta make do with little teeth in little mouths—I tell ya straight, I swear. Some of em have little hands too, little bodies. They can’t walk, and can’t grow hair cept the baby sort. Some folks say, “fella, thems’re just babies,” but I can’t know truth. Not no more, nuh uh.

19. The Disgusting Man Jun 05, 2018

Nothin like squatting yon hams in a restaurant, opening that gooey maw, and swallowing whole the goods the chef has birthed. But, oh dear Story, how our fellow humans ruin every good time: chattering, snorting, suckin n imbibin n laughin n nose-blowin. The worst thing to happen to humanity was humanity, uh huh. That is, if it really is humanity after all. Invocation Psalm: “Prime Cuts” Liturgical Reading: “The Disgusting Man” Concluding Prayer Grin with us next week and we'll grin you one back. Heh heh, that's a promise ooh goo goo

18. The Mother Of Nature - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski May 29, 2018

Our dearest Preacher Jackie, the Miss Good Zebrowski, has returned to deliver a story of retribution true. Olden times were worsen times, we can all attest, those of us who knew them. Let us worship modernity, because ain’t nothin like an aisle of chips and a diet to every sugar free. People used to be afraid of birds, ha, and wolves? We saw to that, yes ma’am. I'll kill any bird I see uh huh. Officiant: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7, insta @jackthatworm) Invocation Psalm: “What Now The Dogs Have Buried” Liturgical Reading: “The Mother of Nature” Concluding Prayer Can’t get me talkin bout bugs, not a good idea. Saw a baby carried off by ants once, and a dog stripped in seconds by termites, the kind that eat dogs that is. Can’t get me talking bout bugs, nuh uh

17. The Veteran May 22, 2018

where does the Boy lead us except to certainty? he takes our hand, cold as his might be, and tugs us along no matter how we resist. curse you, the Boy! we wish not discover the tidings he deems necessary. we wish not endure the vision he sets before us, like a rank feast. ohhh the Boy Invocation Psalm: “Garden Boy” Liturgical Reading: “The Veteran” Concluding Prayer well guess I’m done with yun, for now anyhow. stay greasy, uh huh, for a whole ‘nother week, wink wink

16. An End To Loneliness May 15, 2018

the rain is falling on my face and I feel the gusts envelop me, cradle this leakin bod. it's a weatherly hug, uh huh, an embrace for a storyteller true. in another minute I won't be here, and in weeks my name will be forgotten. heh, but there will be more brandons, more brandon than those who came before. what glory! Invocation Psalm: “Standards of Decades Forgotten” Liturgical Reading: “An End to Loneliness” Concluding Prayer you should probably call your grandmother today. but never your grandfather.

15. The Grand Circus May 08, 2018

o! how my lawn it disappoints thee. a damn shame. a foul stinking lot of indecency. i caught the local youth upon it again—more every year, names more senseless than the last. brentyn. l'aurent. david. garf'eld. i curse! i slobber with outcry! what peeves i endure! preach us proper, Sister Callista Invocation Psalm: “Cure-All” Liturgical Reading: “The Grand Circus” Concluding Prayer goodness, oh Story, how i wooze, how i dizzy. gonna vom soon, most like. gonna ferment it in a jar till next week—when we takes sips

14. Goop In The Evening - Guest Preacher Danny Tamberelli May 01, 2018

enter, and feast upon the delights we pilfer, the secret tidings we unearth. sniff it down and get gooey right here, right now with me. we find our own meaning, our own reason to exist when all appears as desolation. heh, though, course, some of us have gooier reasons than others. enjoy this story, read by our dear Brother Daniel Tamberelli. Guest Preacher: Daniel Tamberelli (Danny and Mike Podcast, Jounce) Invocation Psalm: “Foul Blossoms” Liturgical Reading: “Goop in the Evening” Concluding Prayer we love you. we caress you. we are you, when we dream. become us next week, please, young fresh.

13. For A Moment, I Had A Friend Apr 24, 2018

ee ee oo oo, a story fine a story tru. mm hmm, a sad one no doubt, about the isolation we all face. i know my solitude most painfully in the shower, amid thy bubbles n scrubbin brushes, where no soul sees you and you have no voice but your own. then i get out, and i have company once more, as the worms squelch under my feet and the pigs rummage for the filth i hath dripped. can there be a desperation profound’r than this? shhhh it's a secret Invocation Psalm: “No Nose” Liturgical Reading: “For A Moment I Had a Friend” Concluding Prayer gosh that’s it uh oh. guess you’ll just hafta stink with us next week heh heh

12. Mercy and Condemnation Apr 17, 2018

music does not calm every troubled soul, no matter how they might sing, no matter how they might melodicize. the body is a tomb for us, and its desires our chains which constrict and pinch. is a soul troubled by a body truly troubled? use yon bodies to further the glory of The Story, and make sin no more, even if it’s a real raunchy uh oh kind of sin. Invocation Psalm: “Twins in Desire” Liturgical Reading: “Mercy and Condemnation” Concluding Prayer join our service next Tuesday. we’ll watch you while you sleep, caress your sweaty forehead with The Story.

11. The Father, The Mother Apr 10, 2018

some folk work real hard. some folk just sit there, stew in juices, and turn to greases to stain the chairs and linoleum. course, some folk do both. ain’t exclusive, rot and labor. they shake hands just like the rest of us, cept course those of us with them sick hands, nails stenchin proper. Invocation Psalm: “Show and Tell” / “Turtle Stew” Liturgical Reading: “The Father The Mother” Concluding Prayer grin with you next tuesday, our sweet lil grinners, our eager acolytes

10. The First Sermon of Cardinal Larson Apr 03, 2018

for this dutiful midnight vigil, the first tuesday of common days, we are graced with the beloved, articulate Cardinal Larson of the Archdiocese of the Church of the Seven Trusted Greases. he shares his many beautiful stories about his travels with us, his healthy, loving flock. Preacher: Cardinal Ed Larson (of Brighter Side and Roundtable of Gentlemen) Invocation Psalm: “Secret Tators” A Special Sermon from Cardinal Larson Concluding Prayer more frothy truth for the greasy and faithful next tuesday

9. A Lapse In Nature's Judgment Mar 27, 2018

we are each of us a product of wriggling porcelain tails and elusive siren eggs. we forget how we once were two. no more, nuh uh, mm hmm. today, we remember our gooey beginnins, we cherish our genome, and we mourn the fallen, of which there are incalculable. weep! go on! Invocation Liturgical Reading: “A Lapse in Nature’s Judgment” Concluding Prayer Church Bulletin this here? this here is a treat for you, tasty n fresh. gosh, i love watchin you eat it, seein it dribble down yon chin. juicy!

8. The Stink War - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski Mar 20, 2018

Everyone bow yur heads for what im about to preach, uh huh: it’s time for juicy business. Get them lips a-smackin, because we got a special guest preacher, Preacher Jackie Zebrowski, spreadin a gospel of right on healthy goo. Sup thee gentle. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7, insta @jackthatworm) Introductory Prayer Psalm: “Daniel’s Greasy Feast” Liturgical Reading: “The Stink War” Church Bulletin Get on out of here. Go on. We ain’t got nothin more for yun until next week. Tuesday ther’alikes, I’ll be honest with yun.

7. You May Eat Me Mar 13, 2018

civic duty binds us once as citizens, and twice as lovers. we are beckoned by nation to hoist standards, mouth recitations, and adore patriarchs, yet we know the cost. big truths consume the lesser truths, make stool of abandoned precepts. every lie is first a truth defeated; every sin a virtue rejected. oo it gives me a phlegmy goo, right in my chest. Invocation Psalms: “Boy Shakes / Squish Fists” Liturgical Reading: “You May Eat Me” Concluding Prayer we adore the body of government, and we sup of its frothy milk. we piss of pride, weep of citizenship. all nations fall, and the Story spreads plague-like among the debris. spread yon eagle to its healthy protrusions.

6. Mommy's Little Tipper Mar 06, 2018

oh by truth we are drawn to such meager beings squabbling underfoot and lying provocatively in beds of saliva and mounds of masticated plastic. how we chastise, beseech of them polite human behaviors, declaring “he thinks he’s people!” when you know it right true we believe the same. masters and their charges, owners and their servants, we extend our rotting hierarchy to thine noble, innocent beasts. for Shame! Invocation Psalm: “Blanket Secrets” Liturgical Reading: “Mommy’s Little Tipper” Concluding Prayer thank you for such fondness and yes ugghh nnnff hueeggh we are beating in our chests and groaning in our groins. oh, how the Story it loves and inspires. please join our service next tuesday uh huh

5. Super Value Menu Feb 27, 2018

yes uh huh some of us enjoy the salty treats of food which is fast, and others of us depend upon yon morsels, teeth decrepit from substance and poverty. how fates intertwine, how doom swells and rains its pregnant waters over us all, the greasy and the not-so-greasy. reflect! renounce! repent! Invocation Psalm: “The Fish, the Filth” Liturgical Reading: “Super Value Menu” yup yup we’ll be back next week and the week after that and the week after that and we’ll never die Merch, ok?: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, alright?: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

4. A Perfect Vessel Feb 20, 2018

on this day we remember a patron true a saint of courage and unshakable faith. that's why we all wear our prettiest clothes and paint our faces and present such handsome grins and firm grips of hand. it's why i wear red. what tender boundary tween belief n delusion, how it quivers with our pulse Introductory Prayer Psalm: “The Furrier’s Coat” / “You Do Know” Liturgical Reading: “A Perfect Vessel” Brother Reid’s Song Church Bulletin im not ready to leave you, promise me youll find me soon gosh i need you to feel whole Merch, for Phonies: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Imposters: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

3. An Audience with the Queen Feb 13, 2018

today we celebrate the feast day of sain't jo, in whose matronage we engage so ruefully: lewdness, grotesquerie, tragedy. we are blessed with this liturgy frothy n fearful from Sister Callista of the Queasy Madre. sniff it down, yon juicies Invocation Psalm: “O! Honey” Liturgical Reading: “An Audience With The Queen” Concluding Prayer what truths we stink we stink for thee. come back next tuesday n we’ll tell ya a gooey one uh huh Merch juicy: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon pulpy: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

2. A Cowboy's Story Feb 06, 2018

Wipe your hands on your pleats, then clean your nails with yon sopping lips: the Story has been birthed unto us eager acolytes. Oh! how it stews there, such promise and squelching. Ee! how it inspires, gets these hips swayin and tongues drippin. Touch it twice! Quick! Stories like this ain't gonna love you much sweeter. Introductory Prayer Psalm: Spark A Holy Fire/Horse Testes Liturgical Reading: “A Cowboy’s Story” Concluding Invocation Church Bulletin Rejoice with us again next week, uh huh, squish squish. Merch, for Bodies: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Souls: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

1. A Man For The Woman Jan 30, 2018

In the name of the grease, the pleas, and the holy crease: we welcome you to The Story Must Be Told. Our congregation is humble, and our drips polite. Please please bow down with us in penitence. Give that kneeler a sniff. Smells like gasoline, don’t it? Ha! Go ‘head and ignore that. Introductory Prayer Psalm: "The Horns of the Beast" Liturgical Reading: “A Man For The Woman” Concluding Prayer A new Mass awaits ye next Tuesday. And the Tuesday after that. And so forth. Mm hmmfff. Merch, for the eager: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for the honest: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt

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