The SelfWork Podcast

Latest Episodes:

177 SelfWork: Sleep or Sex? How To Balance Both Your Needs and Desires Apr 24, 2020

Show notes

Sleep and sex – how does a couple balance out these two needs and desires? How many times have I heard a couple argue about whether or not they’re having enough sex. One will usually say I’m too exhausted. The other feels rejected. Both feel unappreciated and hurt. I'll offer a couple of tips from experts and couples themselves about how they balance two different libidos and two different sleep styles while managing to reach a compromise. And by the way, there was a study done several years ago that tested different factors (including level of salary) to see which ones might lead to greater life satisfaction and sense of happiness. The two that were most powerful? Sexual satisfaction (being content in your sex life) and sleep – getting enough of it. That’s an eye opener for sure.

The listener email today is from someone who wants to know how to talk with her spouse about abuse she suffered as a child. I’ll give her my answer!

Important Links:

Dr. Pat Love's Hot Monogamy

One of Dr. David Schnarch's first books on sexual intimacy and couples.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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176 SelfWork: How to Stop Disappointment from Becoming Depression Apr 17, 2020

Show notes

We’re going to talk about disappointment today. Mainly, how can you keep it from leading to actual depression? We'll go through what the role of expectations play and their connection with irrational beliefs, using the model of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). We'll also discuss five important steps that can help you work through disappointment and discover the meaningful gifts it can bring.

The listener email for today is from a mom who was very angry with me – and who started to cuss me out for writing a post that her daughter had sent to her. But she managed to corral her defensiveness and let the words sit with her – as she began to be more objective and acknowledge what had occurred between them. I was impressed with her turnaround and wanted to share her story with you.

Important Links:

The article in the Harvard Business review and Winston Churchill's story

The 11 irrational beliefs as touted by REBT and its founder Albert Ellis

Dr. Sophie Henshaw's article in Psych Central that offered the structure for my own discussion of working through disappointment, a great read in and of itself. And a slightly different view than my own.

A website page that was full of quotes about disappointment.

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175 SelfWork: How To Avoid Self-Sabotage In Relationships Apr 10, 2020

Show notes

Do you sabotage relationships that have potential? Are you risk averse? Do you commit too quickly or are you passively going along with the relationship continuing? Today we're talking about several ways you can sabotage a relationship's potential or you can end in a relationship that's simply not healthy. As this podcast is being recorded when so many of us are staying home with family, we’re enjoying the strengths of the relationships we’ve built – but also perhaps bearing up under the brunt of ones that aren’t what we’d hoped they would be. Or you're home alone, wondering why certain relationships "never worked."

The listener email today is one that is very timely – and we’re going to spend a good bit of time on it -- what you’re seeing in your relationships on lockdown. It's from one woman who isn’t able to escape how there’s no sense of partnership or even enjoyment of being together.. and she's therefore lonelier than ever. She wrote me back after this episode was recorded and told me that the podcast on apathy was actually very helpful to her.

Important Links:

Episode 069 on the victim/savior relationship.

Raquel Peel's TED Talk on anticipating failure in relationships

My own podcast on combatting apathy in relationships

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173 SelfWork: What's New with Perfectly Hidden Depression Mar 27, 2020

Show notes

Just because I’ve written a book about perfectly hidden depression (PHD) doesn’t mean that I’m through with learning about it. With each person that I’ve heard from, or has joined my practice because of my writing about PHD, or from the podcast hosts that have been generous enough to have me on, I keep learning. My first podcast (Episode 003) on it was so long ago -- I hadn't even started the book but only had a book proposal done. So we’ll take each of the ten traits of PHD and I’ll let you in on some understanding I've gleaned since writing the book -- kind of “what’s new in perfectly hidden depression."

I'll use several different emails I've received from you from people who've identified with PHD - and try to answer their questions as well.

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172 SelfWork: Special Episode: Managing Quarantine Anxiety - Compassionate and Common Sense Tips Mar 24, 2020

Show notes

This is a special episode of SelfWork to try and help you handle the anxiety that you may be feeling with the emergence of the Corona-19 virus worldwide. Especially if you're already managing anxiety or depression, or are someone who struggles not to be governed by your emotions, then the fear and grief that this pandemic brings can be very hard to handle. We're all dealing with fear and grief simultaneously, and that's very difficult. We'll talk about three different aspects of anxiety: Handling being at home (whether you're alone or with eight others), managing the fear itself; and managing relationships with others who may not be realizing the impact of their actions on you and/or your children.

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171 SelfWork: Breaking the Habit of Beating Yourself Up Mar 20, 2020

Show notes

Today we’re going to cover how to begin to stop beating yourself up in a way that may surprise you a little. Because the behavior can seem as if you’re being extra careful or caring. But the habits of beating yourself up – the ways you maintain or fuel that self-doubt – can lead you further down the rabbit hole of shame and emotional paralysis. So let’s get started on “What can you do about it.’

And the listener email is from someone who was asking if I had time to talk with her individually – I wish I had time to do that! But we’ll talk about options for how to make the most out of at least what I have to offer… and some changes I’ve had to make due to the success (which I owe to you!) of SelfWork

Important Links:

Episode 113 on imposter syndrome

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170 SelfWork: Resilience, Vulnerability, and Finding Purpose Mar 13, 2020

Show notes

Today we’re talking about the relationship between resilience and vulnerability and how those two things are an integral part of living a purposeful life. I’ll use some quotes from one of my favorite books – one of those books you read that makes an indelible impression on you. And we’ll touch on what actually creates resilience, which is the ability to bounce back, to remain purposeful even if you get disappointed or you fail at something.

And I ask these questions: Does being resilient mean you can't allow vulnerability? Or if you reveal vulnerability, does that reflect a lack of resilience? Here's my best answer.

Our listener email is from someone who has fallen in love with a man whose son died within the last year. She wants some advice on how to be supportive in this very new but already special relationship.

Important Links:

Article on Dr. Victor Frankl and “logotherapy.”

Psychology Today article by Maureen Healy on developing resilience

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169 SelfWork: The "New" Evidence On What Makes Therapy Effective Mar 06, 2020

Show notes

Today we’re going to cover two of the most frequent questions I hear -- how to find a therapist and how you know a therapist is right for you. The title of the episode has “new” in quotes because often what's old is new again, and that's certainly the case here! We'll go over the seven factors that are found to make therapy the most effective it can be. What are those? Let's start out with the alliance between the therapist and the client. That's #1.

The listener email today is from a young woman who’s in a relationship with someone who seems very depressed – who has had a difficult childhood, is a child of divorce and has been very influenced by a mother who has always seen the world very negatively. Her question is about her actions are seen as intentionally malicious. The listener doesn’t know what to do and is asking for advice, as currently she feels blamed irrationally and viewed through overly distrustful eyes.

Important Links:

Episode 001 SelfWork: What Is Good Therapy

Ratings of the top ten online counseling services.

Recent APA Meta-analysis of Therapeutic Effectiveness:

Seven Demonstrably Effective Factors and Report by Tora DeAngelos

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168 SelfWork: The What, Why, When, Where and How of Setting Boundaries Feb 28, 2020

Show notes

My dad used to say to us as kids, “Your rights end where someone else’s nose begins.” And that’s where I began learning about boundaries. Psychological boundaries are those that define where your own personal limits are as to what is emotionally harmful, and what is not. And that is unique to every individual. We'll ask these questions: What makes a boundary necessary to voice? Or there “understood” boundaries? When does a boundary have a positive effect and when is it not? How is a boundary different from an demand? Or is it? What is your recourse if a boundary you’ve set and explained is continuously ignored or blatantly defied

The listener email offers has a great question about how a history of an ex with a pornography problem and the underlying deceit can have an effect on future trust and self-confidence. She’s asking for help – what can she do?

You can hear more about boundaries and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

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