The SelfWork Podcast

Latest Episodes:

331 SelfWork: Suicide - What We Can Do About It Mar 24, 2023

Show notes

This week's episode of SelfWork focuses on suicide - but not as a pre-determined sign that someone needs hospitalization. That might be true, of course. But many, many people have suicidal thoughts or ideas, even fantasies, of what could happen that would allow them to escape pain that may feel intolerable. And in those cases, talking about suicide or those fantasies can be a positive sign - a sign of trust, of reaching out, of connection. And a sign of not wanting to die.

We're going to explore these ideas today on SelfWork. Because talking about suicide - recognizing that feeling as if that's an answer to your pain - is normal to feel. It's not a sin or a sign you're weak. I've literally talked with hundreds of people in my thirty years as a clinician about those thoughts. Because talking about it can lead to more understanding, greater trust, deeper self-compassion, and recognition of a desire to live.

If you or someone you love has struggled to reveal any kind of emotional pain - if your family or culture created the need for you to remain rigidly stoic, with tight control (or even denial) of hurt or pain - this approach may save your life.

If this triggers you in any way, here are the International Suicide Prevention Hot Lines.

The listener voicemail is from a woman whose addictions seemed to have been a huge part of her not mothering well from the perspective of her oldest child – who now has estranged herself from her mom. We’ll talk about what she can do in this circumstance to help herself cope with her loss, not allowing the estrangement to sabotage the rest of her life.

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

The history of suicide

Sociologist Jason Manning's research findings on factors leading to suicidal thinking

Mayo Clinic article about the distinction between suicide as a wish for death and suicide as a source of relief

NAMI's statistics on suicide

CBS Sunday Morning's episode on Donna's Law.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

330 SelfWork (Second Time Around): How to Calm Your Mind or What Would Mister Rogers Say? Mar 17, 2023

Show notes

Today my editor, graphic designer and general "auxiliary brain" Christine Mathias, has chosen her favorite podcast. It's all about self-soothing and Mister Rogers came to mind! And we look at the neurobiology of "calm," featuring work by Dr. Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist, author, researcher and integrative neurobiologist who coined the phrase, “Name it to tame it.”

Our listener email is from someone who has gained a lot from SelfWork – always something that makes me smile – but who can’t stop worrying about the cancel culture that has arrived. Suddenly you’re simply not around anymore or important or valued, because of what can seem like immediate and complete social rejection.

Important Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!

YouTube Video of Dr. Dan Siegel demonstrating the "hand brain"

Dr. Dan Siegel article about Mister Rogers

New York Post article on cancel culture.

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

329 SelfWork (Second Time Around): Ten Common Birthplaces of the Shame You Never Deserved... But Carried With You Mar 10, 2023

Show notes

Today's episode has been chosen by my audio engineer and producer, John Crowley, as one of this favorite episodes which earns the status of "good enough for a second time around" slot. And boy, does shame cause problems.

People often come into therapy saying things like, “I’m afraid I’m wasting your time, “ or, “I don’t know why I can’t pull myself together, “ Or, “If I believed in my faith and God enough, I wouldn’t be here. But because I am, I’ve failed.”

I know – without a doubt – I’m listening to shame talking.

Here are the ten most common birthplaces of shame you've never deserved... but carried with you. And it's time to challenge any voices that tell you differently.

You were treated like an object through physical or sexual abuse.
You were neglected and your most basic needs were intentionally unmet.
You were valued only for external attributes or achievements, not for who you were.
You were put on a pedestal or smothered, so you lack a sense of true security in yourself. Instead, you could “do no wrong.”
You were put in charge as a child, did the best you could, but ultimately felt as if you failed.
You were pulled into adult conflicts/dynamics that you couldn’t fix.
What hurt you was invalidated or you feared rejection if you revealed your true self.
You weren’t allowed to want/be/talk/think differently than your parents.
You grew up in a family where nothing made rational sense and rules were always changing.
You were compared negatively to others.

The listener voicemail is from someone who’s been diagnosed with Bp 1, 2, and then BPD, and has become overly reclusive. But what may be a major impediment to becoming more successful professionally and personally is his tendency to take what others say too personally – and building a wall of resentment toward them.. At the same time, he has friends and family who are supportive – so what’s going wrong?

Vital Links:

Here's the link to my course Perfectly Hidden Addiction on April 5, 2023 at 9:00 CST! Great for CE but also for information!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

And Click this link to try out some of the most potent CBD out there (And the best bang for your buck!) ! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!

Excellent article on 17 shaming states children hear in shame-based families by Doran Lamb

BetterHelp''s extremely helpful article illustrating how to find a Certified DBT Therapist

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Photo by Mathias Reding.

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

328 SelfWork: What Comes First - Addiction to Work or Depression? Mar 03, 2023

Show notes

I recently posted about a study group I was doing on my personal FB page and somewhat apologetically explained that I was mixing professional with personal. I received an almost immediate response from a friend who said, “You love what you do so much, I don’t think there’s much of a line between the two.” And I had to laugh. She was right.

But then I came across an article that quoted recent research showing something surprising – that traditional beliefs had assumed that overwork led to depression and anxiety. Made sense, right? But now, researchers are finding that the opposite can be true – that people who are already depressed of anxious seek out work for distraction. So today, we’re going to be talking about work addiction, what might lead away from someone’s work schedule becoming destructive, and what kinds of things you can build into your life to help you curb your appetite for work.

The listener voicemail is from someone who describes herself as experiencing depression while others around her remind her to feel grateful and she senses they believe she’s wrapped up in self-pity. She says in her voicemail, “I feel guilty for feeling guilty for feeling guilty…”. So is going through a huge guilt cycle. We’ll focus on how to get out of that cycle. Again, as always, what can you do about it?

Vital Links:

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Article on The Good Men Project on the basic signs of work addiction.

An article from The Atlantic on practical solutions to workaholism

Forbes article on the relationship between suicide and the work environment

Countries experimenting with the four-day work week

Harry Miller's story

The Meadows three steps toward challenging work addiction

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

327 SelfWork: The Jungle of Real Motherhood: A Conversation with Annaliese Lawton Feb 28, 2023

Show notes

Real motherhood can certainly seem like you're trudging your way through a jungle of fears, exhaustion, and confusion - so why is it still portrayed as "easy" or "natural"? Author Annaliese Lawton's new book, Welcome To The Jungle, explores her own emotional turmoil associated with maternity coupled with life's daily struggles. Lawton is a small-town mom whose literary journey began when her Facebook post on motherhood and mental health went viral. Her post was translated in seven different languages, accumulated 80,000 shares, six million views, and eventually landed Lawton a book deal. Filled with unfiltered thoughts and perspectives on womanhood, Welcome to the Jungle isn’t just another parenting book on the highs and lows of motherhood, it will encourage conversations about topics on maternal mental health, marriage, and wellness. Lawton shares, “To say the book is about motherhood is really an underestimation. Motherhood is the backdrop against which the real story unfolds."

And thanks once again to our great sponsor for this episode, Athletic Greens!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

326 SelfWork: Digging Into the Pain of Not Being Accepted By Your Family Feb 24, 2023

Show notes

This month we’ve been talking about relationships.This week I heard Andrew Solomon speak about his book Far from the Tree – when parents have a child that has some kind of difference from them, and they struggle not to see that difference as a problem or something that needs to be fixed. I found his ideas fascinating – the relationship between parents and children – and how love is far different than acceptance. And how we as adults (or children) can struggle with not feeling acceptance from family but can discover it in social acceptance. So, let’s dig into that topic a bit today and I'll add in my own ideas as we go.

The listener email is from a mental health professional who tried to hide from her own depression for several reasons – but isn’t now. She’s kind enough to attribute that to my book and podcast. I’ll tell her story and share some of her thoughts and hope that for any of you out there who feel that you simply cannot talk about yourself or your struggles with any transparency, that you’ll pause and think about that for a second.

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!

Andrew Solomon's interview with Big Think on the difference between love and acceptance

interview with Dr. Adam Hill here on SelfWork!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

325 SelfWork: Why You Might Be Blind to The Warning Signs of Narcissism Feb 17, 2023

Show notes

Today we’re focusing on what mental or emotional issues are connected with being drawn into relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, missing the warning signs that others might sense or see. We’ll briefly cover the different types of narcissism; you can find lists that include anything from four to seven subtypes but we’ll keep it simple. And then, we’ll venture into the “why” – why might you not recognize such a manipulative and potentially emotionally abusive pattern? Here’s a huge hint. What you live as a child becomes your normal, even if it’s far from healthy or even truly normal. It’s what you experience – so that’s your normal. And you can bring that definition into your adulthood as you seek out relationships.

The listener email is from a married woman who explains that her husband demands that they remain in a non-sexually-intimate relationship – or a dating relationship - so that he can fall back in love with her. But this has lasted twenty years! is it emotionally manipulative or could she married to someone who is more comfortable with a sexless marriage – and that could be driving this dynamic? I’ll offer my ideas..

Six Factors That Could Blind You to Narcissistic Manipulation

You don't label abuse... as abuse.
You're accustomed to rigid rules or control in your family or culture.
You don't claim your own worth because you were not loved well.
You take LOTS of responsibility; in fact, too much.
You're not street smart or you're naīve.
You chose to ignore your gut and instead, denied or discounted a clue that there was a problem and now, you feel stuck.

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

VeryWell Health article on subtypes of narcissism.

New book by Katherine Schafler The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control

Article on loving a narcissist by Dr. Margaret

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

324 SelfWork: How To Make And Keep Friends: A Conversation with Marisa Franco, Author of Platonic Feb 10, 2023

Show notes

So much research and time and thought goes into romantic love. But what about platonic love – aka friendship? I loved Marisa Franco’s new book entitled Platonic and this interview is one of my favorites. I especially honor when she describes friendships as being the relationships that are the steadiest your entire life. What you’re about to listen to is our conversation, with real, tangible, pragmatic steps to make friends and keep them. So if you struggle with that, this episode is for you! Or if you need reminding of how to maintain those friendships you enjoy, there's great advice there as well.

Here are three tips she offers and you can hear how grounded they are in reality:

Initiate; don't wait for friendships – they don’t happen organically. You have to actively look for friends. They're not going to show up on your doorstep. Maybe you make them at work or at school. But other than that, you need to be on the lookout.
Assume people like you. This may seem cocky but not really. Assuming you're liked gives you confidence and you're more likely to focus on letting others know what you like about them. Research calls this "the acceptance prophecy" and it works!
You can’t just show up once; join a community that meets regularly. She calls this "the exposure effect" - you're more likely to make friends when you show up in each other's lives on a regular basis. And if the meeting is about something you're truly interested in, then that helps as well.

Vital Links:

Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends: - order her book today!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

323 SelfWork: When You Struggle With Intimacy: What Does Your Attachment Style Have to Do With It? Feb 03, 2023

Show notes

Seeming coincidences happen to me often, and again this week, something synergistic got my attention. First, I listened to the Invisibilia podcast where they actually featured another NPR podcast, a show called Life Kit. Dr. Amir Levine was interviewed, who’s an expert on attachment theory – and he spoke on how your attachment style can help and/or hinder you from being able to achieve emotional intimacy. At the same time, I received a deeply thought-out question in an email from a listener who was trying to figure out how her identification with perfectly hidden depression and a struggle with intimacy were connected. She stated that she had what’s called an “anxious avoidant” attachment style… So that pointed me to the very episode you’re going to hear today as we focus in February on relationships.

We'll cover the four different types of attachment styles, and how they are created in childhood. As an adult, they influence what you seek in relationship, what you’re comfortable or secure with and what you’re not. But your style can also change - and that's what we'll focus on... what you can do about it. You can also click on a link to a questionnaire in your show notes that’s free and you can determine what your own attachment style is currently!

Here's the link to the attachment questionnaire! Click this link!

The featured email questions for today are also about PHD – one is how to talk about it with a therapist that you’re beginning to see – the second, “How do I know if my work on it is making a difference?” Great questions.