The Save The Marriage Podcast

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4 Failing Fears Mar 01, 2023

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You've decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress. Then, BAM! You hit a wall. A wall of fear. Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up. But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts. In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts. Fears and actions are not the same. Fears are fears. Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power. When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people... and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just "background noise." Which will they be for you? Listen to the podcast episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Relationship Fears 3 C's of Saving A Marriage Why Save It? Facing Fears and Moving Forward Save The Marriage System

It Isn’t Just About Romance Feb 15, 2023

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Since Valentine's Day is passed and the hearts have come down in the stores (except in the clearance area), we can face a reality that confuses many people. “Our marriage is broken,” she told me. “We don’t have the passion anymore, so I don’t think we should stay married.” Missing passion… is it the end of marriage, or something else? Most relationships are sparked by infatuation. Call it passion or romance, but the desire to be with that person, that overwhelming attraction, is a building-block for a long-term relationship — including marriage. It is, though, not the goal. For most, that part of a relationship is a stage. It naturally cools over time. This is just the nature of an attraction. It tempers over time. Which means that we can get back to the rest of life — the parts of life that get disregarded in the heat of passion. Does that mean you must just let romance and passion fall by the wayside? Not at all. You just can’t count on it as the focus. Unfortunately, people often judge a marriage dead because the passion is missing. Also unfortunately, they haven’t nurtured the passion and romance. The fact that it disappeared is more a reflection of the damaged connection than a sign the marriage was not meant to be, or has irretrievably failed. I discuss the Passion Paradox in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Love Is Not Effortless Does Romance Kill A Relationship? Where DID Those Feelings Go? Save The Marriage System

Is a Marriage Intensive for You? Feb 08, 2023

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Recently, more and more people have been asking about "Marriage Intensives." If you aren't familiar, these are often week-end (and sometimes week-long) events with lots and lots of (usually therapy) sessions. The theory is that an intensive treatment is needed to save a marriage. Often (but not always), they are run by therapists. Either they come to you or you go to them. And then, you "hit it hard." You may do multi-hour, multiple times per day, sessions over the days you spend together. The plan is to send you home, having resolved your issues and all fixed. If that is something you have (or are) considering, please take a listen to the podcast, as I talk through these approaches. I am hoping I can help you make an informed decision. And if you have already been to one, listen in to see if you think I am accurate. I'd love to hear your experience. Listen in below as we discuss whether a marriage intensive is for you. RELATED RESOURCES The Dangers of Therapy Am I Against Therapy? How to Guarantee Therapy Fails Save The Marriage System

The Marriage Murdering Myth Feb 01, 2023

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There are lots of myths about marriage. But there is one myth that comes up over and over. In fact, the trap for this myth is set at the very early stages of every relationship. The question is whether you step into the trap or not. Will the myth trip you up and start the deterioration of your marriage? Or a better question: has it already damaged your marriage? How is the trap set? Think back to the beginning of your relationship. The early days. When you were so happy to have found that "one." Remember how giddy it felt to hear from that special person? How happy you were to see each other? How much better life seemed? It was intoxicating. And plays directly into this myth. This myth is all about marriage and happiness... and the role of a spouse. Listen to this week's podcast to understand this myth... and why it is so dangerous! RELATED RESOURCES: The Goal Of Marriage Being A WE Other Myths of Marriage "I'm Not Happy" Save The Marriage System

Sharing Power Jan 18, 2023

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It’s a partnership. Right? Right? Well, in any partnership, there has to be a way to make decisions. And how a couple makes decisions reveals how they balance power (or don’t balance it). Not every couple will balance it in the same way. But trouble comes when the two people in the couple are not both in agreement and on-board with how power is shared. Many arguments and disagreements are either fueled by or end in a power struggle. And when decisions are made without a feeling of shared buy-in, those decisions rarely get us anywhere useful. In fact, when one person feels left out of the decision, it is unlikely that the outcome will serve the relationship — if it succeeds at all! So, how DOES a couple share power. How DOES a couple make decisions that both feel good about? In this episode of the podcast, I discuss how couples can do a better job of sharing power with Dr. Wyatt Fisher. A Licensed Psychologist, Wyatt draws on his clinical work and his own marriage experience to answer how couples can better manage power in their relationship. Listen in as I pick Wyatt’s brain about couple decision making and power sharing. RELATED RESOURCES: Wyatt’s Website Being a WE Are You a Team? Lee’s System

Helping or Hurting?? Jan 04, 2023

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You've been working on saving your marriage... and you aren't seeing the traction you want. Or maybe is just isn't moving as fast as you would like. Sometimes, it can take more time than you think or want. But are there times that your efforts are doing more harm than good? Are there times you are hurting, not helping, your relationship and your chances at saving it? Yes. There are common situations I see in my coaching, where someone's efforts to save a marriage are actually doing more harm than good. Interestingly, people make the same mistakes others have made. More interestingly, they are easy to see when they are pointed out. And more importantly, they can be corrected, once you can see them. So, let's talk about the times when people do more harm than good in their efforts to save a marriage. RELATED RESOURCES Importance of Connection Stop Chasing Apologies and Forgiving You Need A Plan Show Up Save The Marriage System

A-ha Moment or Slow Turn-Around? Dec 14, 2022

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You’ve been following my 4 C’s to work on the 3 C’s of saving your marriage, right? (Hang with me if that seems like gibberish — just me trying to make it simple. I explain it in this episode/) Maybe you can see some ground you are gaining, progress you are making. Which may lead you to wonder how this all turns around. Will it be all-of-the-sudden, in an “aha” moment, or will it be a slow, steady climb to normality and love in the relationship? It is a great question. And one that “D” sent to me, hoping I would respond on the Save The Marriage Podcast. And I did! I cover it on this week’s episode. RELATED RESOURCES 3C Approach 4th C Will It Turn Around? Book: How To Save Your Marriage System: Save The Marriage

Staying Together for the Wrong Reasons?? Dec 07, 2022

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I’ve been answering listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast. And in this episode, I pull together a repeating question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?" Several people told me they were still married, just for the sake of the kids. Several told me that their spouse was still there because they could not afford to separate, much less to divorce. And some told me they stayed married just to avoid having to hit the dating scene. And then, there is that anxiety of “what will people think?” So, they stay together. But is that enough, they ask? Should they only stay together for these “wrong reasons?" You can make a perspective shift and use those “wrong reasons” to get you to the right place in your relationship. I cover 4 ways to get there in this episode of the podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Connecting Changing Conflict Convincing - don’t! Save The Marriage System

Your Spouse Isn’t… Nov 30, 2022

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Many times, I have someone telling me what their spouse should be. How they should act, what they should do… and what they should do, particularly, for the spouse. Rarely are they telling me what a spouse is, but should be. There is an immediate problem (or a few) right there. You see, “should” is based in shame and expectation. And we don’t use it when someone is doing what we want. It is when they are not. As I have discussed in other episodes, expectations almost always end badly. It is a dead-end street that does nothing useful for any relationship. But especially a marriage! I often watch couples (or one spouse) struggle with wanting things a spouse cannot give. And when that happens, it slowly moves a marriage to hurt, resentment, disappointment, and even disdain. All because of an expectation that can’t be met. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I look at 5 things a spouse is NOT (and cannot be). Then, we spend some time discussing what a spouse CAN be (once you get past the disconnection and hurt). Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Is Your Spouse a Teammate? Are You Living in Expectation? Why Does Connection Matter? Who are YOU for Your Spouse? Do You Need Help?

The Next Phase: Chronic or Thriving? Nov 16, 2022

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Has the crisis in your marriage passed… but you aren’t sure where things are now? Well, that would put you in good company! I have been asking for listener questions, and noticed this was the theme for quite a few. What’s the theme? The immediate crisis has passed. The separation or divorce is off the table. The affair is over. The spouse has returned to the home or bedroom. For most, communication was much improved. For many, lots of things had improved. Several told me how they had used my program and were closer now than ever before. But…. And this is where there is often some diversity of answers. Things felt stuck/stagnant/in limbo. Physical contact and connection was still missing. Trust was still struggling. In other words, they had left the crisis phase of things, but were now in a chronic phase. The marriage was not fixed. It just was no longer on life-support. So, what now? Well, I discuss it in this episode of the podcast. You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Crisis and Chronic Dangers of Tea Leaves 3 C’s Approach My Books My Save The Marriage System

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