The Save The Marriage Podcast

Latest Episodes:

Facing FACTs Mar 07, 2024

Show notes

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point. Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks. And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis. When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before. And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage. In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT. We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward. Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Connection is Vital You Need a Plan 3 C Approach 3 Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System The Connection Compass

How to Get Help for Your Marriage… and Mistakes To Avoid Feb 28, 2024

Show notes

Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help? And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage? Tough question. And I can't answer it. But I can help you get the answer. I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course. I tell you the pros and cons of each, along with the ways to find the right fit for you and your spouse. In this podcast, I do tell you how to grab that resource. But more importantly, I tell you about four big mistakes people make... even before they get started with getting help. These mistakes can cost you the possibility of even utilizing help. At the very least, they make the process more difficult, and they make your spouse even more resistant. Let's cover the mistakes and get my report to you, so that you can find, get, and use the best help in saving your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Are You Helping or Hurting Save The Marriage System The Connection Compass - join for free to get the special report

The Connection Trap Feb 21, 2024

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I know. I say it all the time. Connection is crucial -- even critical -- for the health and survival of your marriage. But what if there is a trap... a Connection Trap? Guess what? There IS! On this week's podcast, I answer "D's" question about their stuck place. She names what she thinks are the 3 C's that must be there for a strong marriage. She names Commitment, Connectivity, and Chemistry. Those aren't bad choices. They just set a trap. A trap I want to warn you about! But first, let me make it clear: I wholeheartedly agree with commitment. It is the guiding star for any marriage. And it is critically important for guidance as you navigate your marriage crisis. It can keep you pointed toward safe-harbor while you work on healing. The trap, then, is with the other two. No, I am not against connection (it is at the heart of my approach in my System). I get concerned with how people expect connection to work. And that is the trap. Chemistry is another complicator to the trap. Listen in below as I discuss The Connection Trap. RELATED RESOURCES Healing Disconnection -- Resources to Help "Space" and Connection The Connection Principle The Save The Marriage System

The Pause Problem Feb 14, 2024

Show notes

The Pause Button. You didn't know you hit it. But you probably did. "We'll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends... (well, you get the idea)." AFTER life, we will get back to love. There is only one problem. Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening. There IS no pause. When you hit the Pause-Button, you are... even without realizing it... choosing the path of disconnection. Then, when you go to UN-pause, you look at each other, strangers. Disconnected. In this episode of the podcast, I tell you why pause is such a problem, and point you to a path back. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause Button Marriage Connection in Marriage Surviving Disconnection Communication in Marriage Save The Marriage System

7 Complicators to Your Efforts to Save Your Marriage Jan 24, 2024

Show notes

Saving your marriage is important. But not always easy. Isn't that a truth in life, though? What is easy is rarely important. And what is important is worth the effort. There are some things that can make your process of saving your marriage a bit more complicated though. Not impossible. Just more complicated. While there are others, I cover seven different complicators in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. If you feel stuck, you may want to see if one of these complicators is tripping you up... and what to do about it! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Stops Along The Way to Divorce Why Connection is So Important Can It Even Be Saved? The Save The Marriage System

Dealing with Depression and a Marriage Crisis Jan 17, 2024

Show notes

Many people are struggling with depression. And they find themselves in the midst of a marriage crisis. So, what does depression mean for those situations? How does depression affects a marriage. Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis? Or... and this is more central to the question... how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis? Depression is a reality for many people. And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times. The question is how you move through both crises: depression and a marriage crisis. In this podcast, I discuss the effects of depression, some thoughts about causation, and how to deal with the depression while addressing the relationship crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Beat Depression Series Showing Up In Marriage Connection in Marriage Save The Marriage System

The Ghosts of Your Relationship Past Dec 20, 2023

Show notes

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is: Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads. Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past. Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure. What happened? Where did their relationship fall into trouble? Can they find their way back? But first, they have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night. Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship? Is there a path through the pain? Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.

Stuck in the Negative Dec 13, 2023

Show notes

Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative? Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then. (Memories are just current thoughts about past events -- not accurate representations of the past.) Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode. If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let's look at the reasons it happens... and what you can do about it! RELATED RESOURCES Book: How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs) How's Your Attitude? Hope and Stockdale Paradox Where To Focus "The Last Straw" Going Pro Program: Save The Marriage

Dealing with Disrespect and Boundaries Dec 06, 2023

Show notes

"A" has been trying to set boundaries with her husband. Trying to get the treatment she deserves. Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot. But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way... rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone. What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names. But what about those less-clear actions -- using a "you're so stupid" tone (note that this requires you to read a tone... not always a good thing to try). Sometimes, boundaries are clear. You know how to set them. I even have a whole chapter on it in the primary module of Save The Marriage System. But when it is more subtle... a little harder to pin down. And a little harder to call someone on. What about that? I cover it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Setting Boundaries Boundaries and Control Healing Hurt Expectations and Agreements Conflict Save The Marriage System

Why You Can’t Force Connection Nov 29, 2023

Show notes

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the only solution is dissolution. So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Don’t Convince Working on Connection Book: Beyond The 3 Barriers Book: How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Save The Marriage System