Note: This isn’t an intellectual paper
written with the expectation that intellectuals will intellectualize my
intellect and reduce said intellect into shards of insecurity and shame. It’s
just my view and my experiences. You can take it or you can leave it, but your
– or anyone else’s – attempts at invalidating me and my experiences isn’t a
part of my process. That’s all yours.
I didn’t grow up in today’s Information Age. In fact, I grew
up in rural New Mexico at a group home for “at-risk” children. My parents ran
the place and I was just a staff kid who got in everyone’s way a lot. But I was
observing and paying attention…always. When I was young, only boys were
considered “at-risk” and, as such, I grew up at a boy’s ranch in rural New
Mexico during the 70s and 80s. While I admit that it was a simpler time, I make
no claim that the issues that I faced are to be easily dismissed as simple. I
faced the same basic issues that kids face today, I just faced those issues
without the internet, without “safe spaces”, without “gun free zones”, without
political correctness, without warning labels on everything and without the
fierce and ill-informed mob of internet “experts” and well-meaning Christians hell bent on righting society’s
wrongs and without social justice warriors cowardly labeling everything that
they don’t like as something to be seen as awful. There was no “violent speech”
or “political correctness” or “toxic masculinity”. We (society) made all of those
up as a part of an agenda that doesn’t have the courage to do what all
righteous agendas seem to do; honestly identify itself. This new agenda can
best be described as the “woke” movement. “Woke” is yet another term that was
born out of pop culture but every bit as fictitious as the other terms
previously mentioned. As defined by Merriam-Webster – Woke: aware of and actively
attentive to important facts and issues (especially issues of racial and social
justice)
As I was growing up, men were expected
to be proud providers and protectors. Men were also expected to be
self-sufficient; especially emotionally. In addition, men were expected to be
good at a lot of things and exceptional at one or two things. Men were expected
to be, or at least appear to be, unafraid. Men were expected to express their
emotions with acts of service and courage for their loved ones; particularly
women and especially their spouse. Contrary to popular belief, I was not raised
with the expectation of not talking about my feelings. I was just taught not to
talk too much about love, fear and emotional pain. Thankfully, having 3
daughters forced me to evolve past that commitment to shield the world and
those around me from my vulnerability.
Then along came “toxic masculinity”.
This is another one of those made up, social justice terms with an origin that
is less easily dismissed. Abusers, pedophiles, criminals, “alpha male dude
bros”, malcontents, anti-socials and narcissists are all at the root of “toxic
masculinity”. In reality though, these are such a limited and easily avoided
part of the population that the term “toxic masculinity” had to be expanded and
applied to anyone who isn’t, at worst, gender neutral and, at best, gender
fluid. Eventually, the definition was simplified to just be a convenient label
for those who aren’t “woke” Anyone who leans towards traditional
masculinity or who is Christian or who admits that they, as Eric Church puts it,
“Don’t like to fight, but ain’t scared to bleed” is labeled as being a purveyor
of “toxic masculinity” and a barrier to society’s overall progress and success.
Those boys and men who aren’t hyperaware and actively attentive to important
issues; particularly those issues related to social justice; are the prolific
and oft vilified examples used to prove the existence of toxic masculinity. Sadly,
abusers, pedophiles, criminals, “alpha male dude bros”, malcontents,
anti-socials and narcissists have had the spotlight taken from their toxic
behavior because of the inclusion of nontoxic, but traditionally masculine,
males in the spotlight of the term “toxic masculinity”. As you may have deduced
by now, I have a much different experience and thought process. The term “toxic
masculinity” is just a thinly veiled assault on anger of any kind that is
expressed by a male. Even when women get mad, it is usually as a morally justified
response to “toxic masculinity” or the loosely defined “Patriarchy” which seems
to be the culmination of “toxic masculinity” and “white privilege”. That type of anger is perfectly acceptable
though as the only anger that must be stopped is anger attached to males and
masculinity. If anyone who has a natural or nurture induced bend towards
masculinity is to get angry, that anger is toxic and needs to be shut down and
silenced.
And what, pray tell, are these men and
boys that display this so called “toxic masculinity” so angry about?
This is where things get complicated.
Anger is a human emotion and one that has it’s very dark and cruel baggage.
Many a sin against humanity and against human beings has been committed out of
anger. This is important as anger is, in its worst form, hurtful and even
toxic. But every emotion can be taken too far until it becomes an awful and
toxic version of itself. Love can even be morphed and manipulated until it is
no longer love and becomes toxic and eventually turns into Munchausen Syndrome
By proxy. What starts as a parent’s love and desire to be needed and heroic in
their child’s life can become insanely toxic.
So, let’s look at anger. As a Christian,
I tend to reference the Bible when searching for guidance.
From GotQuestions.org (Your questions.
Biblical Answers)
Question: “Was Jesus ever angry?”
Answer: When Jesus cleared the temple
of the moneychangers and animal-sellers, He showed great emotion and anger
(Matthew 21:12-13; Mark 11:15-18; John 2:13-22). Jesus’ emotion was described
as “zeal” for God’s house (John 2:17). His anger was pure and completely justified
because at its root was concern for God’s holiness and worship. Because these
were at stake, Jesus took quick and decisive action.
Another example of Jesus showing His
anger was in the synagogue of Capernaum. When the Pharisees refused to answer
Jesus’ questions, “He looked around at them in anger, deeply distressed at
their stubborn hearts” (Mark 3:5).
As the Bible describes it, Jesus was angry,
and his anger stemmed from “zeal for God’s house” and when He was ignored in
His Father’s house. Interestingly, Jesus expressed his anger in the temple…the
very place that started the modern assault on anger.
Coincidentally, we have, for most of my
life, described to kids that their body is their temple. I hate to be the
bearer of bad news, but many children and young adults today have endured
unspeakable violations of their temple…and many of them are boys or men whose
temple’s were violated when they were boys. While you may be rightfully
thinking in the extremes of abuse and sexual perpetration, kids also see
insults and criticism and negative feedback as violations of their temple. As many kids see it, “My temple should be
sacred, right? You wouldn’t let someone spray graffiti in your church so why
should I tolerate insults about me or my body or what I believe or what I feel
or think?”
Now that we are looking at the same
picture of how anger became so prolific and so pervasive in our culture, we can
begin to question why there is an agenda with a desire to eliminate anger. I
can’t speculate on that as I am not a part of that agenda. I can, however,
offer my observations on how anger is handled in today’s world around young
people; especially boys and men.
Anger, and the conflict that comes along with it, is almost universally seen as bad and negative and unnecessary and barbaric by cultural elites and enlightened souls; the “woke”. While Christians started this by claiming that anger and conflict were unchristian and sins, teachers, coaches and those involved with young people glommed on to the concept that anger and conflict were both bad and to be avoided. You see, when I was young, there was a binary choice that every boy had to make; violence or words. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” Much to my surprise, we have now invented the made up and completely fictitious term, “violent speech”. The truth is, “violent speech” is just a way to control when, how and where someone expresses themselves. It is control masquerading as morality. “Your temple is to remain quiet, young man!” So, what’s a boy to do?
Well, if Dr. Sigmund Freud is to be
believed, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and
will come forth later in uglier ways.”
What we are seeing today is the uglier
ways that unexpressed emotions in males come forth. We have sent the message to
boys that they are unimportant, toxic, unnecessary and to be ashamed of.
Furthermore. When a boy dares to stand up and express frustration or dares to
venture in to anger, he is almost immediately told that, in order to get his
needs met, he will need to calm down, sit down and offer some uncharismatic and
dishonest impression of an apology to someone who has taken offense, not to his
feelings towards them but, because he dared to even be angry. It my experience,
this leads only to two roads; rage or addiction. Both options tend to be rather
toxic, but altogether avoidable if capable, non-fragile people who are neither
bothered by nor judgmental of masculinity support the expression of unexpressed
emotions that were, indeed, buried alive.
As if the agenda to quash anger weren’t
enough, we have, in the same timeframe, had a rightful push to promote girls
into the hierarchy of everything while somewhat unjustly demoting boys to
either being “woke” and in complete support of feminism…or simpletons who are
mindless purveyors of toxic masculinity.
Boys literally have no choice as to
their gender before they are born. God, or for those less faithful, some
predetermined spin of the genetic wheel determines their fate until they are
old enough to have that fate determined by women claiming equality without any
requirement that the equality be measured. Don’t agree with every female?
You’re a villainous supporter of the patriarchy. Speak out against the narrative that women
are superior, and the victims of systemic sexism? You will quickly be labeled
as embracing “toxic masculinity”. So, boys and men are led to believe that they
have to sit quietly and accept it when a female says, “I’ll kick your ass!”
There’s nothing that you can do as it is a classic “no win” situation. You can
either fight her and risk being an abuser, fight her and suffer the jeers of
“you got your ass kicked by a girl!” or sit silently and smile along while
being boxed into a situation that you neither asked for nor have any solutions
for. This dynamic produces significant anger that must be dealt with – either
by the boy or by society when the boy’s emotions are buried alive and left to
come back in uglier ways when he becomes a man.
And this is where the real “toxic
masculinity” starts to take root. This is not men being evil, but it is
equally, if not more, toxic. Boys simply fight the norms or learn to hate
themselves. If they fight the norms and choose just plain old masculinity, they
are usually relegated to being alone and limited in their social and dating
opportunities. They even get the label of being toxic and masculine for just
refusing to embrace femininity. Imagine a child expressing, in public, the
following: “Men are expected to be providers and protectors. Men are expected
to be self sufficient; especially emotionally. Men are expected to be good at a
lot of things and exceptional at a couple of things. Men are expected to be, or
at least appear to be, unafraid. Men are expected to express their emotions
with acts of service and courage for their loved ones; especially their
spouse. You do not have the expectation
of not taking about your feelings, but all will expect you not to talk too much
about love, fear and emotional pain. Try not to let life beat that out of you.”
You can probably imagine the reaction that would await them at the conclusion
of this expression. The demanded silence of boys and me produces significant
anger that must be dealt with – either by the boy or by society when the boy’s
emotions are buried alive and left to come back in uglier ways when he becomes
a man.
On the flip side, if boys internalize
the hatred for masculinity, they learn to hate themselves and all men. As a
side effect, they are usually relegated to seeking feminine acceptance and
approval exclusively. “I hate me because, due to a lot of things that I cannot
control, I can’t actually BE me.” I can think of no greater violation of the
sanctity of my temple that to have to choose between isolation and self-loathing.
This dynamic produces significant anger that must be dealt with – either by the
boy or by society when the boy’s emotions are buried alive and left to come
back in uglier ways when he becomes a man.
So, I propose that we abandon the label
of “toxic masculinity” for all those who aren’t headed down the path of
narcissist, abuser, criminal, pedophile, murderer or rapist. Labeling
masculinity as toxic not only creates shame in boys but also absolves femininity
of toxicity. As a father of three girls, I can tell you that masculinity does
not have the market for toxicity cornered. There’s plenty to go around.
I propose that we start teaching kids, both boys and girls,
to handle their emotions, respond instead of reacting, and learn to deal with
conflict in respectful and in solution-oriented ways. I propose that we stop
teaching toxicity and start teaching honesty, healing and hope.
Maybe, within a few generations, we can start to eliminate toxicity by refusing to allow ourselves to be lazy in assigning it to a gender instead of honestly assigning it to the human condition.
Heath Kull – President
HeathK@theranches.org
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