The Quibbler: A Harry Potter Book Club

Ep. 102—Hagrid: Into the Spiderverse Jan 18, 2022

A lot of important things happen in this chapter, but also, Minerva McGonagall leads a flock of Hogwarts desk into battle. Awesome. This week, The Golden Trio stick to a plan; LoVo should fire his advance team; Draco’s mommy wuvs him; and we bid goodnight, sweet(?) Half-Blood Prince. Plus: actual, Hagrid-style weeping about Hagrid. This time: The Elder Wand Next time: The Prince’s Tale

Ep. 101—No Time to Diadem Dec 08, 2021

Fred Weasley was dead, to begin with. Sorry, we just had to remind you exactly what you’re getting into with this episode. But don’t worry! There’s also hellfire! And murder! And toxic workplaces! And snogging! And impossible moral conundrums! And bitchy ghosts! And PUNS ON PUNS ON PUNS! And a very limited amount of singing. This time: The Battle of Hogwarts Next time: The Elder Wand

Ep. 100—Wizardry, Equality, Fraternity Oct 06, 2021

Five years, 100 episodes, every single conceivable permutation of the f-word, and a 45-minute summary of a pretty throwaway chapter. Welcome back, witches! Sorry we wrote that. Anyway, this week, some classic Rowling quirks rear their fat pig heads, including ugly villains, reactionary teens, brutal foreshadowing of fractured families, and cool hidden Hogwarts tricks. Harry also does a torture. Plus: We … sing? A lot? This time: The Sacking of Severus Snape Next time: The Battle of Hogwarts

Ep. 99—Hog's Head Revisited Sep 06, 2021

Can we get away with not acknowledging that this is our first episode since February? No, huh? Don’t worry, there’s an explanation at the beginning, but mostly this is just a long, unhinged summary with digressions into wizard bathroom habits (thanks, Twitter) and interruptions from a puppy. Neville has some battle scars; Harry learns to accept help; Aberforth makes a mean ploughman’s lunch; and the Snape Discourse gets ever-more maddening. This time: The Lost Diadem Next time: The Sacking of Severus Snape

Ep. 98—Dumbles Dore (like Attorneys General) Feb 09, 2021

Pretty annoying to meet the best character in the final act of the final book, but that's the hand we're dealt with G.O.A.T. Aberforth Dumbledore. This week: Ron's hunger makes him stupid(er), we miss dive bars immensely, and a terrible family saga finally sees the light of day. Plus: aspersions of goat … uh … loving. It takes all sorts. This week: The Missing Mirror Next week: The Lost Diadem

Advent Calendar Final Night—A Visit from an Obscure Greek Saint Dec 25, 2020

And to all a good night! This is just us reading aloud to you and cracking wise. Plus an alarming amount of doctrinal history. Because you know you've always wanted to hear us talk about Trinitarians versus the Arian Heresy.

Advent Calendar Week 3—Midnight Sleigh to Candy Town Dec 24, 2020

Ever wonder what it sounds like when someone who has basically never danced "summarizes" a ballet? Wonder no more, because this week we watched the New York City Ballet's streaming production of The Nutcracker! So naturally we talk about ghosts, illicit sexual desire, the problematic ideals of "multiculturalism" in America, and Alex uses the phrase "wild with grief." But also we talk outfits, don't worry. Merry Christmas Eve!

Advent Calendar Week 2—Yosemite Clementine Dec 19, 2020

This one's a bit delayed, as it was something of an emotional gauntlet to edit (you'll hear why in the latter half. Be warned.) We watched the stop-motion Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer TV special and A Charlie Brown Christmas, and we loved one and hated the other. Betcha can't guess which! It does get real toward the end, and we dedicate this episode to everyone spending this season grieving someone beloved. Next time (sometime) will be a little bit… nuttier. ;)

Advent Calendar Week 1—How the Grinch Stole Everything Dec 05, 2020

Spend this very strange holiday season with us, quibbling about the Christmas classics that make us merry and/or cause us to cringe. First up, the ultimate tale of holiday alienation and a master class in Committing to the Bit: The Grinch! Yuletide supervillain or just a guy sick of noise and Amazon packages? We'll be dropping more holiday goodies throughout the rest of the month, so stay tuned! xoxo

Ep. 97—There's Some Horcruxes in This House Dec 03, 2020

This is an 80 minute episode about a 17 minute chapter. The summary is twice the length of the chapter itself. You. Are. Welcome! This week: Heather tells an unfollowable anecdote about animal actors; Alex and Heather both mangle explanations of the social and physical sciences; Alex and Heather ALSO talk about their dreams, for some reason; also there's a Harry Potter chapter with a dragon and maybe some murders, we think? It's a lot. Plus: The Easter egg took us an entire evening to make. Please like it. This week's chapter: The Final Hiding Place Next week's chapter: The Missing Mirror

Ep. 96—Pavlov's Dragon Nov 24, 2020

A truly vintage episode in which we actually just quibble for an hour. For example: Do wizards think banks and mines are the same thing? Has Ron seen Borat? If goblins have this extremely handy Thief's Downfall thing for detecting bank robbers, why not put it … at … the entrance? Is Hermione just totally asleep at the wheel here or does she actually think this broke-ass Ocean's Four nonsense will succeed? Why does Griphook open doors so weird? Do they murder Travers? This week chapter: Gringotts Next week's chapter: The Final Hiding Place

The Nibbler 5—Live Free or Twi-hard Oct 31, 2020

It's the spookiest Halloween in a long, long, long time, so we're rewarding (?) you all with a long, long, LONG final episode of The Nibbler. Seriously this thing is gargantuan. What did we even talk about? Dust motes? Child brides? Eternal sleeplessness? Accidentally becoming full, un-ironic fans of this series despite the fact that it barely qualifies as having a plot? ALL OF IT AND MORE. Plus: Freaked out forgers, vampire fat acceptance, unqualified obstetricians, and more, more more. This week: Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 2) Next week: Gringotts

Ep. 95—Gender Revelio! Oct 27, 2020

The One Where We Alienate Most of our Remaining Listeners Who Still Like Harry Potter. Kidding-ish, but this is the first one recorded post-Rowling screed(s), so yeah, we get into it a bit. Also, some of Bill's best friends are goblins, heterosexual marriage cures Lupin of … being old and tired? and Ron makes every bad-faith devil's advocate argument you could ever hope to find on Reddit. And we learn about art history a little bit! This week's chapter: Shell Cottage Next week's chapter: Gringott's

Movie Mini 7—Creature Feature Creep Sep 23, 2020

We very irrationally still call these "minis," but at any rate, let's ease back into the Potterverse by discussing the surprisingly fun—considering all the death, despair, camping, etc.—first installment of the Deathly Hallows films! This week, the Grangers are definitely about a month from being charged with murdering their daughter; two Death Eaters go deep undercover in coveralls; Ron has bad-news snowblindness; Lucius loses his very cool and manly wand-holder thingie; and Dobby Voice ruins Dobby. Plus: A really ill-advised wedding! This week: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 Next week: Shell Cottage

Ep. 94—Large Elder Wand Collider Jul 05, 2020

OK, so we're (still) doing this. We recorded before a lot of real-world shit went down, which is just the way of things these days, but we still managed to talk about Ibram X. Kendi and class warfare. Very on-brand. Also this week, Ron eulogizes poorly; Fleur-ence Nightingale nurses an enormous number of people back to health; Griphook expresses correct and healthy skepticism of so-called "ally" wizards; and Greg uses the elder wand for SEO. Damn it, Greg. Plus: Grief. This week's chapter: The Wandmaker Next Week: Movie Mini for Deathly Hallows Pt. 1

Summary Supercut: Sorcerer's Stone Jun 10, 2020

As promised, and because you gorgeous people raised THOUSANDS of dollars in the last 2 weeks for bail funds, criminal justice reform, affordable legal services, community health organizations, local and national Black Lives Matter affiliates, and more, here are all the summaries of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, spliced together. Here's what we learned: 1) WOW the early audio was bad; how did anyone get through this? 2) We used to do these way faster, and with remarkably few line-by-line dialogue recreations. 3) Buh-buh-buh motherf*ing was a Book 2 innovation.

Ep. 93—Fenrir Payback May 12, 2020

In which we finally and totally dispense with the notion that these are chapter "summaries." So much Manor action, so little time! This week, Fenrir stirs up some stereotypes, Bellatrix has a "cool girl villain" accessory, Death Eater Nation is essentially a failed state, Scabbers finally snuffs it, and Dobby dies with his socks on. Plus: Draco Malfoy, Meme Lord. This week's chapter: Malfor Manor Next week's chapter: The Wandmaker

Quibbler After Hours: Mr. Lupin's Opus May 06, 2020

Happy Teacher Appreciation Week! Let's talk teachers. Why are the best lessons in the entire series taught by a supervillain? Why does Hagrid get to just like, introduce monsters and see what happens? Why doesn't everyone have to take arithmency, which seems like wizard math? Be honest, is astronomy really astrology, and if so, can I sign up? How does Ron know how to write his name? Why isn't there art class? Who in god's name put Albus Dumbledore in charge? Is anyone reviewing these lesson plans? Plus: Our favorite teachers, IRL. This episode is dedicated to the memory of the inimitable and unforgettable Paul Lowes. Rest peacefully, pal.

Ep. 92—Pod Save the Wizarding World Apr 16, 2020

This episode is a lot of us patting ourselves on the back about how good podcasts are. Not ours, necessarily; mostly Lee Jordan's. We would for sure listen to his podcast. This week, Hermione gets an iota of the credit she's due; Harry has hallows mania; Remus has an extremely underwhelming alias; Ron sort of agrees with everyone; and Alex lectures us on strong passwords. Plus: Very little talk about the Virus that Must Not be Named. This week's chapter: The Deathly Hallows Next week's chapter: Malfoy Manor

Ep. 91—Hallows Be Thy Name Mar 20, 2020

Podcasting in the time of pestilence … hope you're all hanging in there and prepared to use some of your potentially ample alone time to TALK ABOUT DEATH. Sorry, the timing of this one is weird, but yeah, it's a lot about death. And what shoes Death might wear. And what pants. And impossible moral choices in times of crisis. And the need to believe in something. And Patrick Stewart, a bit. Plus: Does Hermione actually believe in magic? This week's chapter: The Tale of the Three Brothers Next week's chapter: The Deathly Hallows

Ep. 90—Chekhov's Erumpent Horn Mar 03, 2020

If a crumple-horn snorcack appears in the first act … well, you know the drill. This week, Potter Productivity becomes a thing; so does #Rontent; Hermione reads in bed and that's an actual scene in this book, like a whole page of that; Xenophilius gets his Infowars on; and we wonder whether J. K. believes that all writers are trash. Plus: An easter egg that took forever. This week's chapter: Xenophilius Lovegood Next week's chapter: The Tale of the Three Brothers

Ep. 89—Deer Is Headlights Feb 07, 2020

Ron is back! Hurray, we guess? Nah, it's good to have him around for rage fodder if nothing else. This week: Harry has learned nothing from Snake Corpse; nobody knows what Stan Shunpike looks like; Ron, admittedly, performs an act of daring and heroism, and gets a taste of what Harry's full entire life consists of; Hermione resembles Galadriel; and we get two thin, small-featured blonde actresses hilariously confused. Plus: a candle no one asked for. This week's chapter: The Silver Doe Next week's chapter: Xenophilius Lovegood

Ep. 88—The Monster Book of Twitter Monsters Jan 17, 2020

Skip to 37:00 if you don't want to listen to us talk about being social justice warriors. Seriously, don't say we didn't warn you. This week, the tweet heard 'round the world, Harry's boulevard of broken nonsense Dumbledore gave him, the vagaries and idiocies of youth, but also the wonderful intensity of being a 17-year-old, and another mystifying character age discrepency. Plus: Heather says both the words "aunt" and "Grindlewald" differently in every sentence. This week's chapter: The Life & Lies of Albus Dumbledore Next week's chapter: The Silver Doe

Muppet Mini: Marley & Marley & Cratchit & Scrooge & Rizzo Dec 25, 2019

We barely scratched the surface of this shining paragon of filmmaking (The Muppet Christmas Carol), but here's a little holiday treat that has little to do with Harry Potter. Don't worry, though—we do sort the Muppets. Plus, the joys of strange background puppets, Michael Caine's virtuostic chemistry with his felt fellow performers, Beaker giving Scrooge that teensy red scarf, and a moment of appreciation for the best cinematic band, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Happy whatever it is you're doing this week!

Ep. 87—Weekend at Bathilda's Dec 16, 2019

In a book full of horrors, we have come to the most horrifying of them all: Snake Corpse. Like Cat Wife, but well, the {Jean Ralphio voice} wooooorst. This week, a snake lives inside a corpse. That’s it. That’s what happens. Also we have a truly deranged and off-topic debate that will probably become a question that claws at you in the dead of night for years to come. You’ll see. Plus: No, really, it’s just a snake corpse. This week’s chapter: Bathilda’s Secret Next week’s chapter: The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore

Ep. 86—Dean and Ted's Excellent Adventure Nov 18, 2019

We have reached the nadir of Ron Weasley, and Heather is, naturally, in fine form. This week, Harry learns to fish; Hermione reads The Feminine Mystique; Griphook bristles; Dirk Cresswell is kind of a dick; the Potters are dead, to begin with; and Ron is definitely, definitely the worst. Plus: #mealplanning #keto #eatclean #elementaltransfiguration This week’s chapters: The Goblin’s Revenge & Godric’s Hollow Next week’s chapters: Bathilda’s Secret & The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore

The Nibbler 4—What to Expect When You're Expecting an Abomination Nov 01, 2019

It’s Halloween, and there’s truly nothing more chilling than the depths of Bella Swan’s myopic self-involvement. Except maybe whatever it is that Edward’s vampire effluvium has implanted in her womb. This week, the summary is almost an hour long; Edward breaks the bed; Bella has some pretty messed up pregnancy cravings; the werewolves have a schism; Seth Clearwater eats and Leah Clearwater stews; and then it gets even bloodier than usual. Plus: We continue to wish these books only featured the three dads. This week: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Books 1 and 2 Next week: Back to Deathly Hallows!

Ep. 85—I Spy with My Little Mad-Eye Oct 27, 2019

Stunning spell first, figure out the plan later—that is Harry’s eternal M.O., and it serves him not-so-well in this hairbrained sprint through the Ministry of Magic. Luckily, Hermione packed. This week, Harry leads a prison break; Ron has a two-Spidermen-pointing situation; Umbridge makes some interesting décor choices; and Greg gets wrecked. Plus: Wakanda … forever? This week’s chapters: The Muggle-Born Registration Commission & The Thief Next week’s chapters: The Goblin’s Revenge & Godric’s Hollow

Ep. 84—Dark Marks and Misdemeanors Oct 11, 2019

It turns out silent coups and rampant anti-muggle born bigotry are not that funny! Sorry about that. This week, the return of French onion soup; a lot of questions about grocery shopping; a nasty confrontation with a beloved father figure; the true villain of the entire series comes to light; and we talk about politics for way, way longer than you want us to. We can’t help it. Plus: Raise a glass to Rufus Scrimgeour. This week’s chapters: The Bribe & Magic is Might Next week’s chapters: The Muggle-born Registration Commission & The Thief

Ep. 83—Kreacher in the Underworld (Reprise) Sep 30, 2019

Things fall apart, fast and unsurprisingly, at the Weasley/Delacour wedding. But hey, at least Hermione’s prepared (of course she is). This week, the trio pull a Viggo Mortensen (and Heather misses the reference); Mad Eye kills it with the Halloween decor but phones it in with actual defensive spells; Harry reads a precious letter; Ron and Hermione I guess almost/maybe hold hands, ugh; and Kreacher unspools a captivating tale. Plus: You know you wanted more singing. This week’s chapters: A Place to Hide & Kreacher’s Tale Next week’s chapters: The Bribe & Magic is Might

Ep. 82— 'Til Death Eaters Do Us Part Sep 13, 2019

Mawwiage is what bwings us togevver today. That, and extremely strange and seemingly useless gifts from beyond the grave. This week, we say goodbye to Scrimgeour; Harry gets a special birthday surprise from Ginny; Ron and Hermione continue to will-they-or-won’t they; Xenophilius Lovegood makes an ill-advised choice in accessories; and Auntie Muriel gets lit. Plus: The Weasley twins, as always, come allllll the way through. This week’s chapters: The Will of Albus Dumbledore & The Wedding Next week’s chapters: A Place to Hide & Kreacher’s Tale

Ep. 81—Dora the Ex-Auror Aug 31, 2019

Mad Eye, we hardly knew ye. Literally, we had almost no scenes with actual Mad Eye, and now he’s, well … you know. This week, Geoge is hard of hearing, Hagrid overdoes it on the firewhisky, Mrs. Weasley panics over in-laws, Hermione breaks the whole wizarding world by stealing some books, and Ron gets a ghoulish twin. Plus: Have you ever thought about how old Horace Slughorn must be? We just did! REAL OLD! This week’s chapters: Fallen Warrior & The Ghoul in Pajamas Next week’s chapters: The Will of Albus Dumbledore & The Wedding

Ep. 80—Owl Follow You Into the Dark Aug 10, 2019

This one doesn’t end great for a beloved bird. It’s pretty rough for your hosts, too. This week, Dudley gets a conscience; Vernon gets the wrong idea; Hermione gets a glimpse through Harry’s eyes; Voldemort gets the power of flight; and Hedwig gets murdered. Plus: We read another effing book. This week’s chapters: The Dursleys Departing & The Seven Potters Next week’s chapters: Fallen Warrior & The Ghoul in Pajamas

Ep. 79—The Snark Lord Ascending Aug 01, 2019

Wow, look at that, we made it all the way to Deathly Hallows! Bear with us as we ease back into the wizarding world—“dinner, Nagini,” is after all quite shocking. This week, LoVo yuks it up; Bellatrix is getting some; Yaxley briefly matters; Charity Burbage meets an uncharitable end; and Harry both bleeds and reads the newspaper, so, cool start, Harry! Plus: Very briefly, a Reconstruction podcast. This week’s chapters: The Dark Lord Ascending & In Memoriam Next week’s chapters: The Dursleys Departing & The Seven Potters

Movie Mini 6—Harry Potter and the Infinity Stone May 25, 2019

Ever wish this podcast was partly about the Marvel Cinematic Universe and a tiny bit about Game of Thrones? You’re medium in luck! Mostly though, we talk about David Yates’ Half-Blood Prince adaptation, which includes a lot of colored filters and horny teens. Cousin of the podcast Kyle Price-Livingston joins us once again to discuss horror tropes, character misfires, the goldfish monologue, Harry’s iconic pincers move, and the possibilities of a Potter/Avengers crossover. Plus, we all very irritatingly forget how Draco finds the vanishing cabinet. Sorry. Next time: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows!

The Nibbler 3—How Bella Got Her Groove Back Apr 02, 2019

April Fool’s Day means just one thing in these parts. It’s another episode of The Nibbler! The third book in the series is chock-a-block full of horrifying messages for kids, tweens, teens, and grownups alike, including: you’re obligated to love back any boy who becomes obsessed with you; sex is the same as murder; the Confederacy was pretty sweet; gold shag carpeting is a classy design choice; a metaphor can never get too extended; Native American tribes are basically supernatural anyway so why not ascribe totally made-up lore to actual living indigeous people; and MORE! Plus: Falling in love with a toddler, is, like, chill. Also there’s apparently a plot in there somewhere. This week: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Ep. 78—No Fawkes Left to Give Mar 28, 2019

Wow, it’s over! Dumbledore gets one last moment of pure theatricality; Fleur knows she’s got it going on; Hagrid mourns like a Greek chorus; Harry makes an overly noble breakup speech that don’t impress Ginny much; Ron and Hermione canoodle, I guess?; and J.K. goes for yet another ill-advised hetero romantic pairing. Plus: Merpeople! Centaurs! And some random rent-a-priest! This week’s chapters: The Phoenix Lament & The White Tomb Next week: Movie Mini!

Ep. 77—The Assassination of Albus Dumbledore by the Coward Severus Snape Mar 09, 2019

I mean … is there much more to say than that? It all goes down in the astronomy tower. Draco misses his chance; death eaters giggle stupidly; Harry sees something and can’t say something; Hagrid is invincible; and an unknown someone reveals a horcrux secret. Plus: I guess we know who the Prince is now, but really, how much bandwidth do we have to care? This week’s chapters: The Lightning-Struck Tower & Flight of the Prince Next week’s chapters: The Phoenix Lament & The White Tomb

Ep. 76—Albus in the Underworld Mar 02, 2019

Cave of wonders? More like cave of horrors! This week, Trelawney hides her empties, Malfoy gets his magical carpentry credentials, and then, you know, they go to LITERAL HELL. This underworld has everything: zombies, a glowing green cocktail made of nightmares, a truly messed up boat trip, the blood of a beloved teacher. Plus: You know what? No. That’s enough. This week’s chapters: The Seer Overheard & The Cave Next week’s chapters: The Lightning-Struck Tower & Flight of the Prince

Quibbler After Hours—Hail to the Chief Warlock Feb 20, 2019

Sort every American president into a Hogwarts house? We thought you’d never ask … oh wait, you super didn’t! Anyway here’s this.

Ep. 75—Too Many McGuffins! Feb 15, 2019

Is it the prophecy, the memory, the horcruxes, or what? It’s all of ‘em! This week, LoVo tears it up, Dumbledore gives an ill-received TED Talk, Slughorn sells everyone out for some candy, Harry tries something new, Ginny wins and wins again, and Ron gets dumped, finally. Plus: Introducing Gene and Dinny! This week’s chapters: Horcruxes & Sectumsempra Next week’s chapters: The Seer Overheard & The Cave

Ep. 74—Three Wizards and a Funeral Feb 08, 2019

‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, Harry? This week, Hermione helps with homework; Ron dodges his snog-buddy; polyjuice potion finds a saucy new use; Draco mopes and we almost feel sorry for him; Myrtle and Dobby reveal crucial plot information and then vanish into tertiary character limbo; Slughorn gives a speech; and Harry takes his shot. Plus: Hagrid’s alternate path as the subject of a Werner Herzog documentary. This week’s chapters: The Unknowable Room & After the Burial Next week’s chapters: Horcruxes & Sectumsempra

Ep. 73—Antiques Horror Show Jan 17, 2019

Do these horcruxes spark joy? This week, Harry takes a bludger to the face; Ron has avoidance issues; Hagrid says some extremely true stuff we have been waiting for someone in these crazy books to finally admit; LoVo has an awkward job interview; and Kreacher looks for loopholes. Plus: The Easter egg in this one is very, very good, so listen through the end. This week’s chapters: Elf Tales & Lord Voldemort’s Request Next week’s chapters: The Unknowable Room & After the Burial

Ep. 72—Just a Teenage Voldy, Baby Jan 11, 2019

This entire episode is about Wilkie Twycross. What, you don’t remember this absolutely essential and indelible Harry Potter character? Are you even a real fan? This week, Harry talks back; Voldy goes all teen heartthrob; Morfin gets railroaded; Dumbledore does some deep extractions; Slughorn appreciates both cheekiness and candy; and Ron falls hard. Plus: Hurtling through space-time is, in fact, pretty hard? This week’s chapters: A Sluggish Memory & Birthday Surprises Next week’s chapters: Elf Tales & Lord Voldemort’s Request

Ep. 71—It's-a Me, Sanguini! Jan 05, 2019

Baby, it’s cold outside, but not as cold as it seems to be in Hermione’s heart these days. This week, Harry dodges roofies; Ron gets a necklace; Lupin tells his backstory; Percy drops by; Scrimgeour fails as a diplomat; and Sanguini is just trying to meet a nice girl. This week’s chapters: The Unbreakable Vow & A Very Frosty Christmas Next week’s chapters: A Sluggish Memory & Birthday Surprises

Ep. 70—My Favorite Marvolo Dec 14, 2018

Admit it, you’ve always wanted to hear a deep-cuts comparison of LoVo, née Tom Riddle, to Ted Bundy. Well, you’re in luck! This week, Dumbledore collects a kid, Tom hangs a rabbit (eesh!), Ron blows a gasket, Ginny resists slut-shaming, Harry makes excellent use of the placebo effect, and Heather and Alex continue to despise one of the most iconic will-they-or-won’t-theys of all time. Plus: bird attack! This week’s chapters: The Secret Riddle & Felix Felicis Next week’s chapters: The Unbreakable Vow & A Very Frosty Christmas

Ep. 69—You're Only the Boy Who Lived Once Nov 21, 2018

First of all, nice. Second of all: It’s just teen-town over here, folks. This week, a bunch of Hufflepuffs and babies crash Quidditch tryouts; Ron and Hermione’s so-called chemistry is just explosions and clouds of stink; Harry has no you-know-whats left to give; Hagrid mourns a murder spider; and Katie Bell gets horror movied. Plus: We finally get Cormac McLaggen’s name right. This week’s chapters: Hermione’s Helping Hand & Silver and Opals Next week’s chapters: The Secret Riddle & Felix Felicis

Ep. 68—Salt, Fat, Magic, Heat Nov 10, 2018

Let us now praise famous wizards. This week, Neville opts for a practical education; Snape redecorates and then chews the scenery; Slughorn actually teaches; Harry gets back into collecting rare and used books; The Gaunts have, er, economic anxiety; and we have THOUGHTS about love potions. Which, you knew we would. Also, what sound do raccoons make? Seriously. This week’s chapters: The Half-Blood Prince & The House of Gaunt Next week’s chapters: Hermione’s Helping Hand & Silver and Opals

Midterms Managed Nov 06, 2018

Happy Election Day 2018, Quibbler fam! To keep you company while you wait in line to cast your vote (or just for fun if you're not American/not eligible/not able), here's a little something extra. We're talking Cornelius Fudge's suspicious "sacking," how the Malfoys exert their political influence, whether the wizarding political parties are just "Snakes" and "everybody else," and what motivates us, your humble hosts, to vote. So go exercise that hallowed right and remember: Vote because wizards can't.

The Nibbler 2: Werewolf Bar Mitzvah Oct 31, 2018

Spooky! Scary! Happy Halloween, and welcome to a monstrous new episode of The Nibbler, New Moon edition! This week, Bella gets dumped; Jacob has a fever and the only prescription is turning into a super-wolf; Charlie is rightfully concerned about all the shit going down; Carlisle has an ethos; the Volturi have a city to maintain and a receptionist to keep complicit; Stephanie Meyer describes a 13-hour flight in what feels like real time; and WOW is Edward Cullen terrible. Plus: Lots of bonus shade and … Marxism? This week: The Twilight Saga: New Moon Next week: The Half-Blood Prince & The House of Gaunt

Ep. 67—A Scar is Born Oct 26, 2018

We're far from the hallows now … This week, Mr. Weasley is a skeptic; Ginny perfects her signature curse; someone should probably alert magical law enforcement to Blaise Zabini's mom; Belby chokes on a pheasant; Draco gets petted; and Harry gets stomped. Plus: Did we like A Star Is Born? Find out! (Spoiler alert: Kinda.) This week's chapters: The Slug Club & Snape Victorious Next week's chapters: The Half-Blood Prince & The House of Gaunt

Ep. 66—The Dewey-Dumbledore System Oct 19, 2018

Soup's on! This week, Harry gets a mouthful; Fleur gets a nickname; Florian Fortescue gets nabbed; the Weasley twins get rich off the magic-industrial complex; Madame Malkin gets uncomfortable; and we get really sad when we have a terrible realization about women in the wizarding world. Plus: Does Draco have a cool new tattoo? ALSO PYGMY PUFFS! This week's chapters: An Excess of Phlegm & Draco's Detour Next week's chapters: The Slug Club & Snape Victorious

Ep. 65—Death-Eater Poets Society Oct 11, 2018

Horace Slughorn would like to add you to his LinkedIn network (but only if you're rich and famous). This week, Dumbledore gives etiquette lessons; The Dursleys might be right about how depraved wizards are; apparating is worse than flying coach; Harry meets a real-life La-Z-Boy; and Heather reveals some dark truths about the kind of terrible, terrible teen she was. Plus: A Quibbler origin story. This week's chapters: Will and Won't This week's chapters: Will and Won't & Horace Slughorn Next week's chapters: An Excess of Phlegm & Draco's Detour

Ep. 64—LoVo, Actually Oct 04, 2018

We're back, witches, with a brand new book! This week, the Prime Minister can't get weirdos to stop stumbling out of his fireplace; Fudge is a cockroach-level political survivor; Kingsley Shacklebolt is such a utility player; Bellatrix has not shaken her inexplicable French accent; Narcissa loves her garbage son; and Snape makes a devious promise. Plus: wands up for Amelia Bones. Roll dem bones in the great beyond, friend. This week's chapters: The Other Minister & Spinner's End Next week's chapters: Will and Won't & Horace Slughorn

Movie Mini 5—What Color Is Your Smoke Trail? Jul 25, 2018

How anyone watches the movies without reading the books and has any idea what's going on, we'll never know. This week, Cousin Kyle joins us again as we delve into the Order of the Phoenix film. Crookshanks eats a GMO ear; we stan Imelda Staunton; the poor Creeveys get smashed into a terrible child named Nigel; Ron's subplots are totally absent; the twins and Dumbledore are out-of-character assholes; and a "giant snake" plagues Harry's dreams. Plus: Remember how there's a Marauders' Map? USE IT!

Ep. 63—Oedipus Hex Jul 07, 2018

We're done with Order of the Phoenix! Five books down—can you believe it? This week, Dumbledore gives the Sparknotes for the whole series; Harry is rightfully pissed; Kreacher pulls a reverse Dobby; Luna does emotional labor, as does Nearly Headless Nick; Mad Eye gets his point across; and we're genuinely say about Sirius—seriously. Plus: WARNING! We spoil Murder on the Orient Express for some reason. This week's chapters: The Lost Prophecy & The Second War Begins Next week: Owl Post!

Ep. 62—Death Comes from the Arch Mishap Jun 29, 2018

It’s the penultimate Order of the Phoenix episode and, unless you’re an invincible magic bird, this is not going to end well. This week: Alex constantly mispronounces “Lestrange”; Dumbledore’s Army destroys centuries of priceless archival material; Bellatrix almost destroys the prophecy to own the libs; Neville actually destroys the prophecy because he’s Neville; Ron does nothing; and love saves the day, but not Sirius Black. Woof. Plus: Heather's dessert preferences, revealed at last. This week's chapters: Beyond the Veil & The Only One He Ever Feared Next episode's chapters: The Lost Prophecy & The Second War Begins

Ep. 61—Ghostriders in the Sky Jun 01, 2018

Much like this very book, our episode this week has some abrupt and wild tonal shifts. Alex and Heather hear a bird; Alex and Heather sing showtunes; the summary finally starts; Umbridge gets an unjust punishment (yes, even though she's terrible); Grawp talks; Luna makes a great suggestion; Ginny does a great hex; Harry very much does NOT have a great plan. This week's chapters: Fight and Flight & The Department of Mysteries Next week's chapters: Beyond the Veil & The Only One He Ever Feared

Ep. 60—Dolores Explains It All May 26, 2018

Intrigue! Betrayal! Torture! Finals! This week's chapters have everything. Harry overperforms; we meet the series' first competent bureaucrats; Hagrid refuses to go quietly; Sirius gets dream-kidnapped; Kreacher gets his revenge; Draco is the Salacious Crumb of Slytherin; and Hermione thinks fast. Plus: Madame Ponfrey has accurately identified herself as the only one standing between the entire student body and certain death. This week's chapters: O.W.L.s and Out of the Fire Next Week's Chapters: Fight and Flight & The Department of Mysteries

Ep. 59—The Rural Auror May 19, 2018

Order of the Phoenix is really doing the MOST. This week, Harry makes his worst choice; the Marauders take the bare minimum responsibility; the twins unleash hell; Umbridge fails to drain the swamp; Hagrid pushes the "family is important" theme to its outer limits; Ron does something; and quidditch is presented in its ideal form—offscreen. Plus: Someone write a centaur spinoff, please. This week's chapters: Career Advice & Grawp Next week's chapters: O.W.L.s & Out of the Fire

Ep. 58—James and the Giant Bummer May 11, 2018

We're changing our tune on a few things this week—most notably, indeed, Dumbledore is a huge badass. Dobby once again parachutes in with a dire and timely warning; Fudge massively overplays his hand; Dumbledore's got style; Umbridge tries her hand at enhanced interrogation methods; the twins light it up; and the Marauders severely underwhelm. Plus: Seriously, someone call in a missing persons report for Ron Weasley in this book. This week's chapters: The Centaur and the Sneak & Snape's Worst Memory Next week's chapters: Career Advice & Grawp

Ep. 57—All the Quibbles Fit to Print May 05, 2018

Hot off the wizard presses, it's a Quibbler within a Quibbler! This week, Cho should have picked Roger Davies; Rita Skeeter explains the media business; Hermione goes rogue; we realize wizards don't take art classes; Trelawney has a sherry problem; and Dumbledore makes his best hire. Plus: Seriously, is Ron Weasley even in this book?! This week's chapters: The Beetle at Bay & Seen and Unforeseen Next week's chapters: The Centaur and the Sneak & Snape's Worst Memory

Ep. 56—Granger Things Apr 27, 2018

Who knew we'd come out of these chapters wishing we had Phineas Nigellus as a life coach? This week, Harry puts the Grim in Grimmauld; Arthur experiments with alternative medicine; Hermione ruins her family's Christmas; Ginny reminds everyone that Book 2 happened; Gilderoy learns cursive; and Snape preaches closed-mindedness. Plus: Wow is Ron even in this book? This week's chapters: Christmas on the Closed Ward & Occlumency Next week's chapters: The Beetle at Bay & Seen and Unforeseen

Ep. 55—Do Portraits Dream of Acrylic Sheep? Apr 20, 2018

Raise your hand if you've watched someone die, kids! This week, we're back with ghost horses, soggy snogs, the scariest kind of portrait mode, and so much more. Hermione explains feelings; Neville tells a grownup; Harry has snake eyes; Arthur narrowly escapes a terrible fate; wizards ration medicine; and Harry might need a LoVo exorcism. This week's chapters: The Eye of the Snake & St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries Next week's chapters: Christmas on the Closed Ward & Occlumency

The Nibbler: Vampire Weekend Apr 01, 2018

It started as an April Fools joke and became SO MUCH MORE. This week, we read Twilight and enjoyed it an embarrassing amount. Bella is weirdly obsessed with cars and can't stop falling over; the kids in Forks, Washington are almost creepily nice; Charlie Swan is just trying to do his job and eat his fish fry; Edward is just trying not to murder his new girlfriend; the rest of the Cullens are just trying not to be in direct sunlight so they don't freak everyone out with their sparkly skin; and we're just trying to pretend we're not suddenly Twihards. Plus: Our longest summary yet! And some VERY problematic cultural appropriation. It wouldn't be The Nibbler without some PC moralizing, now, would it?

Owl Post: Schrodinger's Cat Wife Mar 23, 2018

You guys sent us some seriously good letters lately, so here we are, reading them back to you! From the wizarding criminal justice system to a righteous Neville takedown to the perennial head-scratcher of HOW MANY STUDENTS GO TO THIS DAMN SCHOOL, we cover the gamut of your questions, quibbles, and quality takes.

Ep. 54—There Might Be Giants Mar 16, 2018

Who needs the draught of peace when you can just read a quidditch chapter? Just kidding, this one gets pretty exciting. Draco writes a song; Luna makes a costume; Ron chokes; Harry wins anyway; everyone loses their temper, including McGonagall(!); Hagrid spins a giant yarn; and Umbridge is everywhere, at all times, haunting our waking hours and our dreams in equal measure. Shudder. This week's chapters: The Lion and the Serpent & Hagrid's Tale Next week's chapters: The Eye of the Snake & St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries Subscribe to our newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast

Ep. 53—Warrantless Firetapping Mar 10, 2018

You must be in the room of requirement, because we have just what you need—another Quibbler episode! This week, Umbridge makes a fun new rule; Trelawney rages against the machine; Snape angrily elongates words; the twins engage in some performative synchronized puking; Dobby swoops in with vital information for no good reason; Harry teaches the only spell he knows; and Hermione shows some rare poor judgment. Plus: Professor Grubbly Plank is serving some serious androgynous lewks. This week's chapters: Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four & Dumbledore's Army Next week's chapters: The Lion and the Serpent & Hagrid's Tale

Ep. 52—Nobody Expects the Hogwarts Inquisition Mar 02, 2018

We hate to agree with the truly evil Hogwarts High Inquisitor, but wow, does she have Professor Trelawney pegged. This week, Fudge signs an executive order; Hogwarts finally gets a performance management system; Hermione reads the whole textbook, shocking no one; Zacharias Smith suuuuucks; and Harry finally gets to look truly cool in front of Cho. Plus: God save the teens. This week's chapters: The Hogwarts High Inquisitor & In the Hog's Head Next week's chapters: Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four & Dumbledore's Army

Ep. 51—Umbridge Over Troubled Water Feb 21, 2018

Remember when all Harry had to worry about at Hogwarts was whether Voldemort lived in his teacher's turban? This week, Umbridge makes an impression; Ron makes the team; Hermione makes hats; no one seems to make any dent in their insane piles of homework; and Percy and Sirius make us furious. We forgive Sirius though, because wow, does that guy have it rough. Plus: Where do the vanished snails go?! This week's chapters: Detention with Dolores & Percy and Padfoot Next week's chapters: The Hogwarts High Inquisitor & In the Hog's Head

Ep. 50—No Wizard Left Behind Feb 16, 2018

For the love of god, someone teach these children language arts. This week, Ron stuffs his face; Harry loses his temper (again … and again); the twins recruit some freelancers; Mondays are the worst; Snape teaches kids to make Xanax; and Umbridge is just as bad as we suspected she would be. Plus: We get into the weeds on education policy! We promise it's scintillating. This week's chapters: The Sorting Hat's New Song & Professor Umbridge Next week's chapters: Detention with Dolores & Percy and Padfoot

Ep. 49—Unreconstructed Death Eaters Feb 09, 2018

Everything is dire and they're all gonna die. That is the lesson from our chapters this week. Lucius injects some dark money into the ministry; Ron gets entirely too much responsibility; Harry has an existential crisis; Moody over-shares; Mrs. Weasley has an entirely logical reaction to a boggart; Sirius is a doomed doggo; Neville sprays stink sap; and Luna Lovegood provides a much-needed dose of weird. Plus: Ron gets his comeuppance for the Yule Ball and we talk a lot about the Civil War. This week's chapters: The Woes of Mrs. Weasley & Luna Lovegood Next week's chapters: The Sorting Hat's New Song & Professor Umbridge

Quibbler After Hours Superb Owl Edition: Barebacking the Broom Feb 04, 2018

It's an all-sportsball special episode of The Quibbler! This week, joined once again by Kyle Price-Livingston, we moan and groan about the rules of quidditch; wonder about Hogwarts P.E.; sort the Eagles and the Patriots (with surprising results); try to figure out which sport is more dangerous; and Wronski feint into the bizarre world of professional (!!) Muggle quidditch. Plus: Baba Yaga and pirates!

Ep. 48—The Ministry of Utmost Sloppiness Feb 01, 2018

Evidently wizards don't have electric lights but they do have elevators?! This week, Ron sleeps in; Mr. Weasley rides the tube; Perkins saves the day; Harry teens as hard as ever; Dumbledore is basically Perry Mason; Fudge turns purple; and Dolores Umbridge emerges menacingly from the shadows. Plus: Our namesake makes its first appearance! This week’s chapters: The Ministry of Magic & The Hearing Next week’s chapters: The Woes of Mrs. Weasley & Luna Lovegood

Ep. 47—Kreacher Comforts Jan 26, 2018

Break out your Hints from Heloise—this week, we're mostly cleaning! Sirius is stuck at 17; Molly over-parents; Harry learns … kind of a whole bunch of nothing; Mrs. Black was REALLY into genealogy; Fred and George have a rare product development misstep; and Kreacher snogs a bathrobe. Plus: Unfortunate opinions about twins! This week's chapters: The Order of the Phoenix & The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black Next week's chapters: The Ministry of Magic & The Hearing

Ep. 46—Magic Pixie Dream Girl Jan 19, 2018

Why can't wizards make plans that make any sense? This week, some aurors break and enter (more like, Mad Eye RUDE-y, I am right?), Tonks trips a bunch, Harry continues to shout at everyone he loves, Sirius's mom yells some slurs, and Percy is truly and 100 percent trash. Plus: Metaphysical questions about potatoes. This week's chapters: The Advance Guard & Number 12 Grimmauld Place Next week's chapters: The Order of the Phoenix & The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black

Ep. 45—My Cousin Dudley Jan 12, 2018

Get ready for 800+ pages of teenage angst, because we're starting Order of the Phoenix! Harry goes all Dashboard Confessional on us; Dudley discovers the gym; Dementors take a stroll; Mrs. Figg holds it down for everyone; Alex thinks we're doing a Star Wars podcast; and Vernon drops an eff bomb. Plus, birds! This week's chapters: Dudley Demented & A Peck of Owls Next week's chapters: The Advance Guard & Number 12, Grimmauld Place

Owl Post: Santa's Little House Elves Dec 24, 2017

Hello and Merry Christmas! We're briefly back with a special Owl Post episode, reading your smart and hilarious letters. We cover Horcruxes and depression, Santa and his "elves," how our language betrays our biases when it comes to quibbles, and the massive muggle-money chip on Voldy's shoulder. Plus, Christmas jumpers! Socks! And weird Santa Claus traditions around the world. Happy holidays, and may your patronus today be flying reindeer and/or yourself eating plenty of coookies.

Movie Mini 4: Harry Potter's Stupid Friend Nov 07, 2017

Special guest Kyle Price-Livingston joins us once again to discuss the worst entry into the Harry Potter film canon by a long shot. Why can't Michael Gambon read stage directions? Why does Barty Jr. impersonate a virtual stranger he has to kidnap rather than his own father? Who the heck is Nigel? Why is Fleur so useless? Are portkeys two-way? Does that dragon die??? We try hard (and mostly fail) to answer these and more pressing questions. Plus: How similar is this movie to Predator?

Ep. 44—Go Fudge Yourself Oct 25, 2017

Well, we've come to the end of the road, and I can let go. This book's too long for me, is it too long for you? (With infinite apologies to the smooth sounds of Boyz II Men). This week, Harry tells a strange tale, Dumbledore shows his hand a tiny bit, Hermione kidnaps a journalist, Cornelius is fudging awful, Snape is, OK, fine, brave as hell, and the twins get some well-deserved capital. Plus: Fights on a train, and I guess Ron is also there? Where has Ron been all this book? This week's chapters: The Parting of the Ways & The Beginning Next week: Goblet of Fire Movie Mini!

Ep. 43—Bartys All the Way Down Oct 13, 2017

Oh dear, we are not nice to darling Jo this week. Barty tells an implausible story; McGonagall makes friends with a dog; Dumbledore's eyes do a lot more than sparkle; Harry is appropriately nonplussed; Ron and Hermione are still not really part of it; and Snape helps, I guess? Plus: A piping hot Peter Pettigrew take. This week's chapter: Veritaserum Next week's chapters: The Parting of the Ways & The Beginning

Ep. 42—Expelliarmust've Forgotten All the Other Spells Oct 05, 2017

Don't you wish your all-hands meetings took place in spooky graveyards? No? Just LoVo, then? This week: Voldy tells his side of the story; Harry grips his shaking wand; the Death Eaters get the band back together; Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle make a lot more sense; everyone is transported into an '80s laser light show; and Frank Bryce is an excellent heckler. Plus: Evil slapstick! This week's chapters: The Death Eaters & Priori Incantatum Next week's chapter: Veritaserum

Ep. 41—Goodnight, Sweet Puff Sep 29, 2017

Holy cow, this is a rough one—get ready to cry and cry. Rita Skeeter belatedly blows Book 2 wide open; Harry gets a merit badge in compasses; a Sphinx has lost its touch, riddle-wise; Ron and Hermione are … not really part of it; Cedric, well, you know; and LoVo learns to cook. Plus: We wish David Bowie would show up. This week's chapters: The Third Task & Flesh, Blood, and Bone Next week's chapters: The Death Eaters & Priori Incantatem

Quibbler After Hours: Owl Post Again Sep 23, 2017

Hi, we messed up our audio this week, so instead of regularly scheduled programming, you get to hear from … yourselves! We read letters on wizarding Myers-Briggs testing, bad Hogwarts pedagogy, Hermione's allyship, Santa's little helpers, and the uses of snake milk. Thankssssss for the mail, amigosssssss! Next week's chapters: The Third Task & Flesh, Blood, and Bone

Ep. 40—Twelve Angry Wizards Sep 15, 2017

Weird wispy cloud for your thoughts? Because Dumbledore has too many of 'em, and not enough are about making sure kids don't die in mazes. This week, Harry has a nightmare; Karkaroff has some information to share; Barty has something to prove; Fudge has no care whatsoever for his colleagues; Dumbledore has a big bowl of ideas and none of them are good; and Neville, sweet soul, has a secret. This week's chapters: The Dream & The Pensieve Next week's chapters: The Third Task & Flesh, Blood and Bone

Ep. 39—Bubotuber Pus Remix Sep 09, 2017

There are only two actually funny things in this episode; sorry. They are bubotuber pus and nifflers. Otherwise, it's hate mail, torture, authoritariamism, more torture, family drama, enslaved elves, alcoholism, trauma, literally even more torture, and oh, Sirius is starving to death. Cool. This week's chapters: Padfoot Returns & The Madness of Mr. Crouch Next week's chapters: The Dream & The Pensieve

Ep. 38—Dobby Ex Machina Aug 31, 2017

Harry's got to be under the sea, in a giant squid's garden, in peril. Get ready for the scuba trip from hell as Harry and the rest of the champions take on the second Triwizard task. J.K. recycles a plot twist; Mad-Eye contemplates a murder; Snape is awful but often correct; Cat Wife and Moaning Myrtle make triumphant returns; Dobby super duper saves the day; and Dumbledore speaks Mermish. Plus: Let's just reiterate that this school should immediately be shut down. None of this is OK. This week's chapters: The Egg and the Eye & The Second Task Next week's chapters: Padfoot Returns & The Madness of Mr. Crouch

Ep. 37—Alternative Facts with Rita Skeeter Aug 28, 2017

Time for the worst thing a young wizard will ever experience: a school dance! This week, Dobby gets some knitwear; Ron practices his DIY skills; Parvati Patil slays; #Frangelina cuts a rug; girls rule; boys drool; and Hagrid has a *big* secret. Plus: Misandrist unicorns and wedge issues! This week's chapters: The Yule Ball & Rita Skeeter's Scoop Next week's chapters: The Egg and the Eye & The Second Task

Ep. 36—We've All Dated a Ron Aug 17, 2017

Twitterpation has turned to full-on hormone madness this week. Dobby is a high-fashion elf; all your faves are problematic; Harry is overly forgiving; Hermione and Ginny are queens; Neville and Fred get it done; Harry is NOT the Cho-sen One; and seriously, what the hell is the matter with Ron? Plus: Minerva McGonagall's tight bun(s). This week's chapters: The House Elf Liberation Front & The Unexpected Task Next week's chapters: The Yule Ball & Rita Skeeter's Scoop

Ep. 35—How to Pwn Your Dragon Aug 10, 2017

If you were looking for total mayhem, the first task of the revamped Triwizard Tournament does not disappoint! Basically, these chapters go angst, angst, library, disembodied fireplace head, dragonsdragonsdragonsdragonsdragns near death experience oh my god what the f**k dragons, Madame Pomfrey, best friends forever, dragons. Hold onto your butts! This week's chapters: The Hungarian Horntail & The First Task Next week's chapters: The House Elf Liberation Front & The Unexpected Task

Ep. 34—The Goblet of Fail Aug 03, 2017

Well, turns out things actually CAN get more insane in this book. This week, a cup had one job and utterly failed to do it; Mad Eye/Barty Jr. played the part of Dr. Evil magnificently; Ron did not handle disappointment well; Karkarov made a decent point; Snape made his most vile remark thus far (high bar); Hermione did everyone's emotional labor for them; and the squid got breakfast. Plus: Does your, erm, "wand" measure up? This week's chapters: The Four Champions & The Weighing of the Wands Next week's chapters: The Hungarian Horntail & The First Task

Ep. 33—Never Trust a Cup to Do a Hat's Job Jul 27, 2017

Are you ready for more: DANGEROUS CLASSES! DRAMATIC ENTRANCES! INSANE METHODS OF TRANSPORTATION! TEEN HEARTTHROBS! MONSTERS! NONSENSICAL PLOT TWISTS!? Then you've come to the right place. The foreigners have arrived, and everyone at Hogwarts is losing their mind. Hagrid uses hair gel, Ron mumbles incoherently about French stew, and a stupid cup decides the fate of all our heroes. This week's chapters: Beauxbatons and Durmstrang & The Goblet of Fire Next week's chapters: The Four Champions & The Weighing of the Wands

Ep. 32—DARE: Dark Arts Resistance Education Jul 13, 2017

Pimples, monsters, horoscopes, and questionable disciplinary measures greet the gang as classes resume at Hogwarts School of Peril and Mayhem. Malfoy gets what's coming to him; Lavender Brown gets sexually harrassed; Hagrid gets in over his head; Neville gets hella re-traumatized; some spiders get pwned; and Hermione gets a taste for activism. Plus: So. Much. Bubotuber. Pus. This week's chapters: Mad-Eye Moody & The Unforgivable Curses Next week's chapters: Beauxbatons and Durmstrang & The Goblet of Fire

Ep. 31— You Mad-Eye, Bro? Jul 09, 2017

A monster episode where nothing happens! Just kidding. We start with a mailbag, full of lovely and brilliant observations from you gorgeous people. Then, Ron is starving, Hermione is on a hunger strike, Dennis Creevey is a soaking wet angel, the Sorting Hat is fairly rude, ghosts are weirdly bureaucratic, and Mad-Eye is EXTRA AF. This week's chapters: Aboard the Hogwars Express & The Triwizard Tournament. Next week's chapters: Mad-Eye Moody & The Unforgivable curses

Ep. 30—The Pureblood's Burden Jun 29, 2017

A very special three-host episode, featuring Cousin of the Podcast Kyle Price-Livingston, jokester, genius, scholar, and rogue. We make Kyle talk about all kinds of fun stuff: slavery, torture, the patriarchy, mail bombs, Fake News, and Shaq. Plus: Hermione has her consciousness raised and Ron, as usual, is an idiot. This week's chapters: The Dark Mark & Mayhem at the Ministry Next week's chapters: Aboard the Hogwarts Express & The Triwizard Tournament

Quibbler After Hours: Capital in the Wizarding World Jun 22, 2017

We do something truly wild and crazy this week: spend 45 minutes talking about wizard currency! By popular demand, it's an all-wizarding-economics episode, and wow, does it get wonky. Are galleons artificially devalued? Is there something (((unpleasant))) about the way goblins are portrayed? Does the wizarding war come down to ECONOMIC ANXIETY? Can we do any math at all??? This week: No chapters! Just $$$ Next week's chapters: The Dark Mark & Mayhem at the Ministry

Ep. 29—Yo Dawg, I Heard You Like Quidditch Jun 13, 2017

So, this book is crazy. Harry Potter enters its baroque period as we head to the Quidditch World Cup. We are worried about poor Mr. Roberts, not super impressed with Ludo Bagman, rooting for Ireland but loving sexy, brooding, duck-footed Krum, peeved about the Veelas, and just here for all the shenanigans. Plus: underage gambling, weird wizard nationalism, and camping! This week's chapters: Bagman and Crouch & The Quidditch World Cup Next week's chapters: The Dark Mark & Mayhem at the Ministry

Ep. 28—Make Cauldrons Thick Again Jun 07, 2017

What would you do if your son was at home, lying with his tongue on the living room floor 'cause it's swelling, and the only way to fix it is to let a man do a little bit of magic? The Dursleys grapple with this question and many more as the well-meaning Weasleys utterly wreck their home. Plus, Big Government, family feuds, cauldron kink, and teleportation garbage. This Week's Chapters: Back to the Burrow, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, & The Portkey Next Week's Chapters: Bagman and Crouch & The Quidditch World Cup

Ep. 27—Riddle Horror Picture Show May 31, 2017

Welcome to Harry's literal nightmare! We start Goblet of Fire with a bang (and a flash of green light). Voldy needs feeding, Nagini needs milking, Wormtail needs a new gig, Harry needs a goddamn parent, Dudley needs to lose a few. Plus, flashy mail birds and cake for breakfast! This week's chapters: The Riddle House, The Scar, & The Invitation Next week's chapters: Back to the Burrow, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, & The Portkey

Movie Mini 3—Ominous Unnamed Gryffindor Apr 27, 2017

This one is misnamed, y'all—it's a movie MAXI! First, we read our Owl Post, in which you geniuses weigh in on wizard technology, Boggart biology, theories of art, Roman lunatics, and Lebron James. Then we delve into the absolutely beautiful but possibly nonsense third movie. Dumbledore gets recast, Snape is Number 1 smoke show (Draco is a close second), Hermione steals the show, Sirius chews the scenery, and a strange new Gryffindor bursts onto the scene with a couple of truly eerie lines. Plus, my god, Emma Thompson is a treasure. Next episode's chapters: The Riddle House, The Scar, and The Invitation (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire!) Newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast

Ep. 26—The Gaslighting of Severus Snape Apr 15, 2017

It's the end of the book as we know it, and we feel worried! This week, Snape has a meltdown, Lupin gets the boot, Dumbledore drops some knowledge and leaves much mayhem in his wake, Ron and Crookshanks make up, and Harry has his very last happy and relaxed moment for basically a decade. Buckle up, buddy, because it only gets worse from here. Have a chocolate frog! This week's chapter: Owl Post Again Next week: Movie mini! Newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast

Ep. 25—Buckbeak to the Future Apr 05, 2017

Let's do the time warp again! This week, Harry and Hermione try not to rend the very fabric of space-time as they carry out Dumbledore's latest hairbrained scheme. Hagrid over-celebrates, Snape gets even grumpier, if that's possible, Cornelius Fudge dithers, Madame Pomfrey is a boss, Buckbeak is chill af, and Ron is possibly dead. This week's chapter: Hermione's Secret Next week's chapter: Owl Post Again

Ep. 24—These Death Eaters Ain't Loyal Mar 28, 2017

Don't go 'round tonight, it's bound to take your life, there's a SERIOUSLY bad moon on the rise this week. Snape can't grow up; Peter can't take responsibility; Lupin can't take his damn werewolf medicine; Harry and Sirius can't catch a break; Hermione can't help asking questions; Ron can't believe he slept with a rat-man for a decade. Just so you know: This one gets dark. This week's chapters: The Servant of Lord Voldemort & The Dementor's Kiss Next week's chapter (ON FACEBOOK LIVE!): Hermione's Secret https://www.facebook.com/events/1829471257377115/

Ep. 23—Unlikely Animagus Friendships Mar 21, 2017

This week, it's a Matryoshka doll-like set of crazy stories within crazy stories. Scabbers has a secret; the Whomping Willow has an off switch; Sirius Black has a (dog) bone to pick; and Lupin has some 'splaining to do. Also: Seriously, Dumbledore should not be in charge of keeping anyone safe, ever. This week's chapters: Cat, Rat, and Dog & Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs Next week's chapters: The Servant of Lord Voldemort and The Dementor's Kiss Newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast

Ep. 22—Ethics in Quidditch Journalism Mar 15, 2017

Cats and rats and hippogriffs, oh my! This week, quidditch gets down and dirty, Oliver Wood achieves his life's great purpose (but the come-down might be rough), Hermione throws a punch and a fit, Ron realizes wizards aren't that awesome at criminal justice, and Harry gets some bad news from—who else—Professor Trelawney. Plus, pour one out for Buckbeak, y'all. PLUS, plus, smash the patriarchy. This week's chapters: The Quidditch Final & Professor Trelawney's Prediction Next week's chapters: Cat, Rat, and Dog & Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs Newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast

Quibbler After Hours: Fantastic Pokémon and Where to Find Them Mar 09, 2017

Heather is in Los Angeles on Muggle business, which means Alex is holding down the fort at Quibbler studios. But help is always given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it! Pour yourself a shot of Ogden's Old Firewhisky and join Quibbler roommate Richard Michels for a freewheeling discussion of millennial nostalgia, the Harry Potter industrial complex and the wizarding space program (or lack thereof). Newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast

Ep. 21—Committee for the Disposal of BS Slytherins Mar 03, 2017

Harry's broomstick feels extra-special this week (heh heh heh). Another Weasley makes an unsound financial decision. The twins throw a mostly straightedge party. Alex reveals just how lame he was in high school. Harry slings some mud. Snape makes some good points. Hermione has serious crazy eyes. This week's chapters: Gryffindor Versus Ravenclaw and Snape's Grudge Next week's chapters: The Quidditch Final and Professor Trelawney's Prediction Newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast

Ep. 20—My Patronus is Wellbutrin Feb 22, 2017

Only one chapter this week, but it's a doozy! Harry takes up a new extracurricular activity (it's demon-fighting). Hermione needs to learn whatever spell keeps your backpack from splitting open because you've stuffed too many textbooks in. Oliver Wood needs to CHILL OUT a little bit. Quidditch turns out to be a brilliant joke. And there's a rat murder. Newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast

Ep. 19—This is Why Harry Can't Have Nice Things Feb 08, 2017

Everyone's messy in the wizarding world this week. Harry manages some mischief but also learns a horrifying secret. Ron basically just talks about candy? Hermione sees something and says something. Hagrid's pet gets a court date. And, in a true Quibbler first, Dumbledore does something wholly loveable (he trolls Snape).

Ep. 18—We Have to Find a Murderer, So Don't Get Pregnant Feb 02, 2017

Dive into our Pensieve as we lightning-round some minor quibbles, from parchment length to Peeves. Then, Hermione girl-splains pet death, Snape and Lupin get weird, Percy gets authoritarian, Dumbledore makes the Great Hall into a teen sex den, and Harry sees a dog.

Ep. 17—Harry, You in Danger, Girl Jan 24, 2017

According to Professor Trelawney, we're all going to die. Hermione isn't buying it. Ron can't tell the difference between a dog and a bowler hat. Trevor the Toad has a close call. And Buckbeak punches a Nazi. Plus: Are Hogwarts paintings wizarding A.I.?

Ep. 16—Dementors in Your Candy-Mobile Jan 14, 2017

Stuff gets a little bit heavy for Harry. Sirius Black wants to murder him and the only things protecting him are soul-sucking demons. But it's OK, because Harry goes shopping and eats some ice cream; Hermione gets a cat; Scabbers gets a check-up; and everyone gets some much-deserved anti-Dementor chocolate. Plus: Is Hagrid qualified to teach?!

Ep.15—Like Uber, but for Wizards Jan 06, 2017

Welcome back to Privet Drive! Harry finally gets some birthday presents. The Weasleys mishandle a windfall and maybe rob a bunch of tombs. Aunt Marge goes too far. And Ernie and Stan are definitely getting 1 star on the Knight Bus app. Plus: Who was that black dog, anyway? Instagram & Twitter: @quibblerpodcast Soundcloud: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast

Movie Mini 2—Premature Avada Kedavra Jan 02, 2017

Our second bonus film episode! We discuss the movie adaptation of Chamber of Secrets. Topics include over-long action sequences, the absolute perfection of Lucius, Gilderoy, and Moaning Myrtle's creepy creepy voice/face, Valley of the Uncanny Dobby, and … wow, does Harry Potter have a hand-holding fetish? Twitter/Instagram: @quibblerpodcast Newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast

Ep. 14—Snakes in a Drain Dec 29, 2016

Chamber of Secrets ends with many bangs (including the one between Percy and Penelope Clearwater, heh heh heh). Tom Marvolo Riddle teaches Harry a handy anagram; Hermione figures everything out but gets zero credit; Ginny learns the dangers of journaling; Dobby is a free elf; Dumbledore twinkles a little too much; and Lockhart makes some extremely poor choices. Special guest: Deus ex Weepy Bird! Twitter and Instagram: @quibblerpodcast Newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast

Ep. 13—Oh My Aragog! Dec 14, 2016

Aaah, real monsters! The kids pick some magical electives, Hermione gets pwned by the Beast of Slytherin, Hagrid gets extrajudicially tortured, Dumbledore sort of gets his comeuppance, and WE MEET THOUSANDS OF GIANT SPIDERS. Plus, Ford Anglia to the rescue! Newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast Instagram/Twitter: @quibblerpodcast

Ep. 12—At Hogwarts, Diary Writes You Dec 08, 2016

Get those cauldrons brewing! The Polyjuice Potion is ready, and the pals go cavorting in disguise. We also discuss Gilderoy's Valentine dwarfs, a misleading diary, a crazy scapegoating, more Slytherin nonsense, and a Candy Land theory.

Ep. 11—What We Talk about When We Talk to Snakes Nov 30, 2016

Everything has gone to hell at Hogwarts. Harry loses all his bones; Dobby tells us some bleak news; Colin, Justin, and Nearly Headless Nick succumb to a monster; and everyone hates a Parselmouth. Careful, my bones! Newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast Twitter: @quibblerpodcast

Ep. 10—It's My Deathday and I'll Die if I Want To Nov 24, 2016

Much is afoot at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! School spirits, chambers so big because they're full of secrets, and a very sad magical correspondence course. We learn some new vocabulary (squibs! deathdays!) and reiterate that Slytherin is trash. Plus, Draco continues to have no chill. Newsletter: tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast Twitter: @quibblerpodcast

Ep. 9—President-elect Gilderoy Lockhart Nov 17, 2016

Heather and Alex talk howlers, mandrakes, and racing brooms, and then things get serious. What does Mudblood mean in 2016? And what other "golden"-haired narcissist who can't stop plugging his books does the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor remind us of?

Ep. 8—Floo Powder? I Barely Know Her! Nov 03, 2016

Quibbles abound as Harry accidentally visits Knockturn Alley thanks to some magical surveillance glitter and a mouthful of fire. Also featuring Malfoy family values, Snape's comic timing, and our second installment of Enchanted Economics. Plus, how J.K. Rowling predicted the pumpkin-spice industrial complex.

Ep. 7—How the Muggle Half Lives Oct 27, 2016

The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. We welcome Dobby (creepy bugger that he is), wonder whether the Dursleys need to be quite so awful (definitely) and finally visit the Burrow! Also, Heather catches a moth with her bare hands. Magic.

Movie Mini 1—Put an Iguana On It Oct 23, 2016

In this bonus episode, we talk about the movie adaptation of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. A+ grownup acting, sweet kid acting, terrible owl acting, and a truly bizarre reptile cameo. Plus, quidditch, now with even more murder!

Ep. 6—A Real Messy Dumbledore Who Lives for Drama Oct 19, 2016

The grand finale of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Final wizardry exams, more Hagrid problems, extreme pride in the trio's FRIENDSHIP SKILLZ, puzzles on puzzles, and a scary showdown with … ugh, it's just Quirrell? Lame. Also: Why don't wizards have air conditioning? Sign up for the Quibbler newsletter: http://tinyletter.com/quibblerpodcast

Ep. 5—Get Drunk, Buy Monsters Oct 12, 2016

Mars is bright tonight. Let's hear it for Hagrid's monster problems, draconian (heehee) wizarding discipline, half-horse stargazers, and Voldemort's villainy. Plus: drowning in Neville tears, and Norbert decapitates his Teddy.

Ep. 4—Hogwarts Needs a Guidance Counselor Oct 04, 2016

Talking quidditch (what?), the Mirror of Erised (sob), the Sorcerer's MacGuffin, and wizard religion. With special guests, matching Weasley sweaters.

Ep. 3—What the Bleep is Mrs. Norris?! Oct 03, 2016

Heather and Alex discuss chapters eight, nine, and ten of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Points of interest: Severus Snape, Hogwarts as vocational school, Quidditch recruiting scandals, self actualization, and Queen Hermione Granger.

Ep. 2—Ashamed Hufflepuff Oct 02, 2016

In this episode, Heather and Alex break down chapters six and seven of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Topics include magical logistics, new friends and enemies, and House Sociopath. Plus, we sort celebrities into Hogwarts houses!

Ep. 1—Yer a Podcaster, Harry Oct 02, 2016

In the inaugural episode of The Quibbler podcast, Heather and Alex discuss chapters 1-5 of Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone. Thoughts on Uncle Vernon's meltdown, Hagrid, people being mean to orphans, and the fundamental unsoundness of the wizarding economy.

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