The Marriage Code Podcast

Latest Episodes:

MC 044 : Overcoming Hardship Aug 18, 2021

Show notes

Summary: One of the hosts of the Marriage Code has some life-changing news that boils up tons of emotions. Phillip and Benji tackle the issue head-on in this episode of The Marriage Code.

“Logic and emotion are like oil and water; they don’t mix… it’s like trying to push a rope – good luck with that.” – Phillip Enkey

Links:

Marriage Code Podcast questions – podcast@themarriagecode.org

In this episode:

Send questions to podcast@themarriagecode.org
Life changing news
The Marital effects of financial hardship
Change and transition
Feeling loss of control
Elevated Stress
The golden opportunity
Choose to take the positive opinion
“This too shall pass”
Give them their space – don’t take it personally
The three keys to overcoming
1 – Emotions
2 – Develop and Action Plan
3 – Accepting Help
Logic vs Emotion
Example of an Action Plan
Trying to deny the grieving
Action shifts Attitude
Make a decision that this opposition is and opportunity

“The only way to stay stuck is to stop moving.” – Benjamin Boekweg

MC 043 : Q&A – Relationship Inventory Oct 08, 2020

Show notes

Summary: It’s Q&A time at The Marraige Code. Phillip and Benji tackle some of the tough questions about Relationship Inventories.

“The problem is that so many of us have become good at having an average marriage.” – Phillip Enkey

Links:

The Other Guys (2010) – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDJgv1iARPg

Fully Understanding the Tally System – The Marriage Code Episode 4 – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-004-fully-understanding-the-tally-system/

Relationship Inventory – The Marriage Code Episode 3 – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-005-relationship-inventory/

Marriage Code Podcast questions – podcast@themarriagecode.org

In this episode:

Send questions to podcast@themarriagecode.org
Brief recap of the Tally System
Question #2 – “What are the common mistakes you see people making with Relationship Inventory
1) Only addressing the negative
2) Unrealistic expectations of your first Inventory
3) Bad timing
4) “You” language and absolutes
Question #1 – “What advice do you have going into my first Relationship Inventory?”
Beginner’s Template
Start off with the Positive
Create the habit of open dialogue
Manage your expectations
Question #3 – “What if my spouse is not interested in a Relationship Inventory?”
The Lion and the Tuna mistake
Phillips’s Challenge – Return and Report

MC 042 : 1 Simple way to work as a team Sep 16, 2020

Show notes

Summary: What does an M-16 and 2 grenades have to do with washing dishes?
Phillip and Benji actually answer this question along with how to feel connected with your spouse and work as a team.

Links:

Marriage Code Podcast questions – podcast@themarriagecode.org

In this episode:

Introduction…sort of
Benji’s injury
Phillip’s amazing contribution to the armed forces
How you get your spouse to want to help you
The word Phillip can’t seem to say
THE CHALLENGE!!!
Teamwork in a marriage
Ways to feel connected in a team
Games

“If children spell love T-I-M-E, your spouse probably does too.” – Benjamin Boekweg

MC 041 : Why have this Conversation? Jun 25, 2020

Show notes

Summery: Have you ever known what the other person was going to say and you just didn’t want to hear it, and cut off the conversation short? Or have you ever wanted to talk but the other person doesn’t want to wait for your answer and ends the conversation? Does this happen frequently? Frustrating right? In this Episode, Phillip and Benji dive into the danger of cutting off the conversation and what you can do to fix that – from either side of the experience.

Links:

The Office: S2E22 – Casino Night – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hhYeMZdiIc

How to get Spouse Certified – The Marraige Code Episode 10 – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-010-how-to-get-spouse-certified/

Emotional Release – The Marriage Code Episode 9 – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-009-emotional-release/

Active Listening – The Marriage Code Episode 3 – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-003-the-power-of-active-listening/

What I heard vs What they meant – The Marriage Code Episode 16 – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-016-what-i-heard-vs-what-they-meant/

Big Hero 6 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2S8D_SCAJY

Marriage Code Podcast questions – podcast@themarriagecode.org

In this episode:

Cutting off the conversation
Examples
What can happen
Feeling misjudged
Being used to coming to a certain conclusion
Effectiveness vs Efficiency
How we make assumptions
What we assume is most often incorrect
Why we should not make assumptions
The power of “What else?”
We want to be heard more than we want to be understood
Changing the habit of abrupt endings
1- Stop assuming
2- Give them space
3- Listen and ask for more

“The biggest cause of a fight is the feeling of not being heard.” – Benjamin Boekweg

MC 040 : How it all began Jun 15, 2020

Show notes

Summary: In this Episode, Phillip and Benji celebrate the 40th episode of the podcast by talking about how The Marriage Code began, and by talking about where it is going. Also an announcement where Phillip and Benji will be speaking on June 30th.

Links:

Hope Cast – https://www.facebook.com/watch/KentsteadMedia/

Zig Ziglar – Courtship after Marriage – https://www.ziglar.com/product/courtship-after-marriage

Marriage Code Podcast questions – podcast@themarriagecode.org

In this episode:

Celebration of Episode #40
The Announcement
How The Marriage Code all began
You don’t have to change your spouse
The role of the sub-conscious mind
Our point of view
The key components of The Marriage Code
Progress of The Marriage Code book
Changing the paradigm

Believe you can change for the better
Get more information
Mirroring

Examples of Mirroring

“As we’ve done this, I’ve realized that anyone who has listened to this can do it too.” – Phillip Enkey

MC 039 : 4 Easy Ways to Connect May 24, 2020

Show notes

Summary: Spouse not feeling “connected with you”? In this episode, Phillip and Benji discuss four major ways to emotionally connect with your spouse. And describe easy ways to implement them.

Links:

Night at the Museum 2; guard scene – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDI-sDCzGZY&t=3s

Marriage Code Podcast – How to Get Spouse Certified – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-010-how-to-get-spouse-certified/

In this episode:

Deeper into conversation
4 Ways to Emotionally Connect
1 – Talk to your spouse on purpose with purpose
2 – Fight for your spouse and their dreams
3 – Be on the “same page” in a goal or project together
4 – Budget time to talk with your spouse
Dating conversation model
The roommate effect
Fighting along side your spouse
Do we update ourselves on how our spouse had changed?

“If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” – Yogi Berra

MC 038: 3 Biggest Mistakes Couples Make in Communicating May 13, 2020

Show notes

Summary: What are the biggest three mistakes couples make in talking to each other? In this episode, Phillip Enkey is back from serving his country and is ready to dive right back into discussing marriage and relationships. Phillip and Benji discuss the three biggest mistakes couples make and give examples.

Links:

The Office: S2 E22: Casino Night – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hhYeMZdiIc

Click – Adam Sandler – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayG_t8nGuiU

The Male Brain – Louann Brizendine M.D. – https://www.amazon.com/Male-Brain-Breakthrough-Understanding-Think/dp/B003DQVEHG/ref=sr_1_1?ascsubtag=1ba00-01000-org00-win10-dsk00-nomod-us000-pcomp-feature-scomp-wm-5&dchild=1&keywords=the+male+brain&qid=1589407057&sr=8-1

The Mighty Ducks – https://youtu.be/ymeVW9dwz7k?t=18

The Chosen – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=craeyJdrCsE

Marriage Code Podcast – Relationship Inventory – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-005-relationship-inventory/

Marriage Code Podcast – How to Get Spouse Certified – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-010-how-to-get-spouse-certified/

In this episode:

Welcome back Phillip
3 Mistakes
- Assuming we know what the other is thinking
- Expectations not discussed
- Looking for an outward reason
Example from “The Office”
Reflection vs Deflection in communication
The “counter-intuitive” solution
Do
- Find the “root” problem
- Focus on them first and trust they will mirror you
- Teach Them to communicate with you
Do NOT
- Skip conversations that they “should know”
- Use “You” language
- Use absolute language

“Expectations without agreement equals frustration.” – Kirk Duncan

MC 037: 30 Days – Part 2 Aug 31, 2019

Show notes

MC 031: What’s in your Playbook?

Summary: In this episode of the Marriage Code podcast, Benji and Phillip continue the conversation of “What if you had only 30-days to save your marriage?” and finish explaining their 30-day plans.

In this episode:

Benji’s 30-Day Plan

Week 1: re-Discovery

Day 1: Get a notebook and a yellow pad (yellow notepad that tears off across the top)
Day 2-3: Get my head straight
1. I will think about (to the best of my memory) and write down in the notebook the following:
  - When I met my wife and what she looked like and why I wanted to date her
  - Our first date and my impressions
  - Our first kiss
  - What we discussed imaging our future together would look like
  - Why I chose her to be my wife
2. Write my Vision. In my notebook, I will write what I want our marriage to be. I will close my eyes and see a video in my head of what Christmas morning 20 years from now will look like. Then I will write my Vision ( a page or more in length) and I will include details such as:
  - What house are we living in?
  - How many children do we have and what ages?
  - What will we be doing?
  - What is our financial standing? How much money do we have in the bank? Is our house paid off? Are we out of debt?
  - Are our older children dating or married? Grandchildren?
  - How we act toward each other? How long are our kisses? How often do I hold her hand? Are we respectful to each other? Are there any arguments?
  - What kinds of things to I do for my wife to show her how much I love her?
  - What tender things does she do for me?
3. Write my Marriage Declaration. I will write a few sentences that can be memorized and recited that will be meaningful to me and energizing. Such as: “I am a happily married man because I choose to be the kind of man my wife has always dreamed of. I am a man of vision who has the power to change. I trust myself to be a man of patience and it is safe for me to accept responsibility. I can do hard things!”
Day 4-5: Get my heart straight
1. Unload all my frustrations about my wife onto paper (using the yellow pad) – feeling each frustration as I do so – then I burn that piece of paper. Repeat as necessary.
2. Take a walk by myself, speaking (vocalizing) all my frustrations about my wife all along the way, then walk back while verbalizing everything about my wife that I am grateful for.
3. Forgive myself for the part I played in our relationship strife and give myself permission to move forward
4. Forgive my wife for all the hurt she has done to me
Day 6: Prepare for a ½ Relationship Inventory and rest
1. I read my written Vision 2-3 times
2. I recite my declarations (audibly where possible) 10 times
3. I go to bed early and get some extra sleep
Day 7: ½ Relationship Inventory
1. I tell my wife that I was wrong, that I’m sorry, and ask her if we may speak privately so I can get her input on what I must change.
2. I again apologize (either for specifics I know about, or for not paying attention enough to know) then I begin a ½ Relationship Inventory
  - I ask her what things I am doing that she would rather I don’t, or anything I am not doing currently that she would rather I start doing
  - I write down everything she says and I use Active Listening to verify to both of us that I understand what she is saying
  - I create a plan to work on those items she listed by asking follow-up questions to narrow down to the root of the issue.
    - Example: “You’re never here.”
    - Okay, would it be more helpful if I re-arranged my work schedule to be home sooner?
    - “No, because even when you’re here, you’re not here!”
    - Okay so if I understand you right, when I’m home I’m not engaged in what’s going on. Would it be more helpful if I cook the dinner?
    - “No what I really need for you to do is to take care of the kids so that I have time to prepare the dinner.”
    - Okay, would it be helpful if, when I get home from work, I immediately play with the kids and keep them occupied until dinner time?

Once the plan is agreed to, I verbally commit to her that I will engage in these changes over the next few weeks and that I will meet with her at the end of each week for her feedback. (These are just the pain-points of the marriage, rekindling the fun in the marriage will also need attention)

Week 2: Focus on her language of apology

Day 8-13: Work on the plan and focus on having a good behavior
1. Read my Vision and say my declaration each morning
2. Start work on improving the issues that are the pain points. (If she asks me to give up something I love, I will put that on hold and address it after the marriage is saved – I will not complain about the color of the life preserver while I am drowning)
3. I will try to sooth the emotional hurt I may have caused by speaking in her language of apology. (I happen to know one of my wife’s apology languages is Expressing Regret, and not so much Requesting Forgiveness – so I will focus on how my actions/inactions have made me feel regret instead of saying “please forgive me?”
4. I will ready my Vision and say my declarations before I go to bed each night
Day 14: ½ Relationship Inventory – return and report
1. I will ask my wife for feedback by asking, “Is there anything I am doing well that you want me to keep doing or do more of?” and “Is there anything I am doing that you would like me to do less of or stop doing?”
2. Re-adjust the plan based on her feedback

Week 3: Focus on her love language

Day 15-20: Work the revised plan and focus on little acts of kindness and love
1. I will ready my Vision and say my declarations each morning
2. Continue working on improving the pain points in the marriage
3. I will include acts of love and kindness that resonate with her primary love languages. (I happen to know that my wife loves Words of Affirmation and Service, so I will write her poems on paper and leaving them for her – something I did when we were dating – and I will be seeking out opportunities to serve her (dishes, laundry, cooking, playing with the children, foot/neck massage, etc.)
4. I will read my Vision and say my declarations every night before bed
Day 21: ½ Relationship Inventory – return and report
1. I will ask my wife for feedback by asking, “Is there anything I am doing well that you want me to keep doing or do more of?” and “Is there anything I am doing that you would like me to do less of or stop doing?”
2. Re-adjust the plan based on her feedback

Week 4: re-Kindling the romance

Day 22-27: Work the re-revised plan and focus on physical touch
1. I will read my Vision and say my declaration every morning
2. I will continue working on improving the pain-point areas in my marriage
3. I happen to know that my wife does not like physical touch when she is upset, so, by now she should be receptive to physical touch, such as holding hands, hugging her, small kisses, snuggling with her on the couch, swaying/dancing, etc. I will seek out all opportunities to re-engage physical touch while still serving her. I will do and say things that will bring back memories of when we were dating. I will also seek out an opportunity to sing to her – she doesn’t care what I sound like, she loves that I am singing to her.
4. I will read my Vision and say my declarations every night before bed
Day 28: ½ Relationship Inventory – return and report
1. I will ask my wife for feedback by asking, “Is there anything I am doing well that you want me to keep doing or do more of?” and “Is there anything I am doing that you would like me to do less of or stop doing?”
2. Re-adjust the plan based on her feedback
Day 29: Plan a Date with my wife
1. Schedule babysitter
2. Request my wife has that time booked
3. Write her a special poem (she likes those)
4. Revise and upgrade my Vision if needed
Day 30: Go on the planned date with my wife
1. Give her flowers
2. Bring her to the park bench where I proposed to her
3. Give her the poem
4. Propose to her again – and ask if she will give this marriage another try

Phillip’s 30-Day Plan

Clear (Mind) Purify (Heart) Clarify (Listen/Learn) Act

Day 1-2

Clear my head: Take time to reflect on our marriage and determine for myself WHY I want to save it. Consider what I want my marriage to look like going forward and record it in a meaningful way. Use recording of this new vision to revisit throughout the month to stay motivated and focused. Make this vision as detailed as possible.

Day 3-5

Purify my heart: Begin the process of clearing and processing my emotions. Work through feelings of regret, frustration, anger, loss and find a way to put them in a place where I can approach my wife, with the intent to listen and understand her, without being triggered into an emotional response that shuts down her openness and vulnerability. Make a place in my heart for forgiveness for anything I perceive to have been hurtful to me. The goal of this step is to rebuild a bridge of communication with her by starting with a foundation of emotional stability so I can give her a platform to be open and honest with her frustrations towards me and our marriage.

Day 6

Clarify with My wife where we are and why. I refer to this a “Relationship Inventory”. A relationship inventory is a chance for both halves of a couple to speak to the good and bad parts of their relationship so they can set goals and create plans to strengthen it. In this case it would likely be a one sided relationship inventory. -Begin the the conversation with expressing a sincere apology for the marriage being where it is and acknowledging my part in it getting here. This does not need to be specific yet, but a broad acknowledgement that it is not all her fault and that I want to understand what I can do to help her feel understood. -Practice active listening. Listen for understanding, not to rebuttal or reply but only to clarify. Ask detailed follow up questions, not to criticize her view but to make sure I understand as best I can where she is coming from. Use language like “I didn’t realize that was having that effect on you” and “that must have really hurt” or “I hadn’t considered it that way before now”. – Repeat back to her in my own words what she has been expressing to me to demonstrate that I understand as much as possible from my perspective what has led her to consider ending our marriage. Be open to her corrections and allow her to interrupt me if i’m articulating her point of view incorrectly. Continue this until she is satisfied that I have a general understanding. -Offer more specific sincere apologies for individual grievances articulated in our inventory. Offer Solutions with her input and express to her that my intent is to understand her and address these issues with the care and attention that she deserves.

Day 7

Make a plan to implement meaningful change based on our relationship inventory.

Days 8-14

Dani finds me most attractive and feels the most love for me when I am spending quality time with our kids. Week two would implement changes based on our inventory as well as refocus on connecting with our kids to reach that part of her heart. I would get up each morning with the kids and do breakfast and let her sleep in. -Conduct video recorded kid interviews with our kids asking questions that bring out sincere and entertaining responses. Watch these back each night as a family. -Make dinner each night during this asking Her what meals she would like and make her plate for her. Put dinner away each night and clean the dishes. -Find a wholesome activity to do each day as a family. Visit a park, do an art or craft or go hiking or visiting a museum.

Day 15-21

Focus on the romantic part of our relationship. -Ask to Dance with her each night in our living room after kids are in bed. (we met at a dance) -Play/Sing a song for her each day on the guitar. (songs I wrote her her when we were courting/dating.) Write a new song for her to play at the end of the week. -Cook dinner WITH her this week and make her plate each night. -Plan her getaway, asking her what she wants to do. (Girls night out, makeover, lunch with her friends, a day trip to the temple and then home to relax while I take the kids.

Day 22-28

Take her to the photo booth in the mall. (We used to do this when we were teenagers dating, add the photo strip to our collection and talk about the ones from when we were teenagers) -Giver her a non-reciprocated full body massage. (Insist that there will be no extra curricular activities unless she genuinely would like to but that the intent is to serve her needs and show my love. -Start a romantic date using a surprise scavenger hunt (on a day when I know she doesn’t have plans and I have pre-arranged babysitter set up. Scavenger hunt would lead her through getting a dress, getting her hair done and clues would lead her to me at her favorite restaurant. After dinner we would go to a place where I setup lights in the trees and a speaker to play music. We would dance and then I would get on one knee and re-propose for a renewed marriage. (This is how I proposed to her 9 yrs ago)

MC 036: 30 Days – Part 1 Aug 27, 2019

Show notes

Summary: In this episode of the Marriage Code podcast, what if you had 30 days to save your marriage? What would you do? Phillip Enkey and Benji Boekweg dive right in and explore how to save their marriages in 30 days.

Links:

Aladdin – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OczOUJw1Z7k&t=15s

John Gottman – https://www.gottman.com/about/john-julie-gottman/

In this episode:

Another announcement!
Big News about The Marriage Code Podcast!
5 Pillars
- Mirroring
- Active Listening
- Tally System
- Emotion Management Techniques
- Relationship Inventory
What if you had 30 days to save your marriage?

MC 035: Insights Gained from Childbirths Aug 19, 2019

Show notes

MC 035: Insights Gained from Childbirths

Summary: In this episode of the Marriage Code podcast, Someone has an announcement! Also Phillip and Benji discuss the personal insights they have gained while going through the childbirth process with their wives, and how it relates to the human mind and the current paradigm.

“This was one of the most sacred moments in our marriage, one of the most special experiences that Dani and I have had; bringing a little child into this world.” — Phillip Enkey

Links:

Once Upon a Forest – https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107745/

HypnoBirthing Utah County with Launi K. Anderson – http://www.hypnobirthingutahcounty.com/

HypnoBirthing World Wide – https://us.hypnobirthing.com/

In this episode:

The Announcement!
Disclaimer
Childbirth
- Personal experiences with their wives
- Night and Day difference
- What role the mind plays
Defending out biases
I’m wrong vs. My information was wrong
The Challenge!

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