The Daily Dad

Latest Episodes:

Let ‘Em See You Work Dec 03, 2019

Show notes

One of the unusual side effects of our modern lives is how siloed work is for most people. “Work” is a place you drive to in the morning and come home from in the evening. It’s what you’re doing while your kids are at school, or in other cases, while they’re asleep at night. Great dads (and healthy people) aspire to what we call “work life balance” which only further perpetuates this silo. Work is not supposed to intersect with your time with your kids.

The problem? Well, where are your kids supposed to learn the importance of work ethic? How are they supposed to know what a hard working dad looks like if they never actually get to see it? How are they supposed to learn what work looks like at all?

There is an old Latin expression A bove maiori discit arare minor. The younger ox learns to plow from the elder. That’s because the oxen would be harnessed in together. The kid would not only get to see their dad do what they do, they’d be literally strapped into it together.

Obviously good boundaries are important. Obviously you don’t want your work life to overwhelm or interfere with your home life. But make sure that striving for this balance doesn’t accidentally deprive your kid of an important example—Dad, the provider. Dad, the protector. Dad, the hard-working guy they can hold up as an inspiration. It doesn’t matter what your profession is, whether you’re a CEO or a stay-at-home dad or you’ve since retired. Show your kids your work. Show ‘em how much you put into it. Let them see you sweat.

It’s good for you and it’s good for them.

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Don’t Give Them an Ego Dec 03, 2019

Show notes

You love your kids more than anything. You think they’re God’s gift (which they are, to you!). You want them to know how you feel about them, and you feel bad when they feel bad about themselves. These are all perfectly healthy and laudable feelings.

At the same time, we have to make sure we’re not puffing up their ego with our endless praise and our very natural bias towards their virtues and blindness to their vices. Seneca knew this balance was not easy—it isn’t for any parent. It’s hard for grandparents and uncles too. But if our goal is to raise well-adjusted, self-aware kids, we’ll have to work for it. Even if our instinct is to rush over and tell them they’re the greatest, most special-est little kiddo there ever was.

As Seneca writes in his essay, Of Anger, this requires speaking honestly—with kindness—and holding them accountable for their actions. Even if that pains us. He explains:

Flattery, then, must be kept well out of the way of children. Let a child hear the truth, and sometimes fear it: let him always reverence it. Let him rise in the presence of his elders. Let him obtain nothing by flying into a passion: let him be given when he is quiet what was refused him when he cried for it: let him behold, but not make use of his father's wealth: let him be reproved for what he does wrong. It will be advantageous to furnish boys with even-tempered teachers and paedagogi: what is soft and unformed clings to what is near, and takes its shape: the habits of young men reproduce those of their nurses and paedagogi.

Seneca knew what he was talking about because he saw Nero’s mother do the opposite. She indulged his every whim. She cleared every obstacle out of his path. She made him think he was infallible and invincible. By the time she brought in an even-tempered teacher like Seneca around to be a good influence, it was too late. She had ruined her son. And he in turn ruined himself and nearly ruined Rome.

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Curb Sometimes, Spur at Others Dec 03, 2019

Show notes

Seneca was a father, though we don’t know much, if anything, about his son. We know he was a wonderful uncle, and that he struggled valiantly as a tutor to reign in the impulses of Nero.

What kind of father was he? How did he teach his young charges? We don’t have many specifics, but in his essay On Anger, Seneca does give us fathers some advice on how to raise our kids—specifically when it comes to making sure they are not spoiled, mean, or cruel.

Here is a thought from Seneca this morning on the importance of encouragement and freedom:

A boy's spirit is increased by freedom and depressed by slavery: it rises when praised, and is led to conceive great expectations of itself: yet this same treatment produces arrogance and quickness of temper: we must therefore guide him between these two extremes, using the curb at one time and the spur at another.

He must undergo no servile or degrading treatment; he never must beg abjectly for anything, nor must he gain anything by begging; let him rather receive it for his own sake, for his past good behaviour, or for his promises of future good conduct.

Our job as Dads is to encourage as well as enforce, to spur as well as curb. One kid might need more of one, while another kid needs less of the other. The same kid on different days might need different things.

But that’s what you’re there for. That’s what you’re supposed to help them with—to spur them to want to be great by themselves.

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Your Kid is Not a Status Symbol Dec 03, 2019

Show notes

Did you know DJ Khaled has a son? And his name is Asahd? Of course you did, because if you’ve heard of DJ Khaled even once in the last couple years, it’s probably come up. His social media feed is like 100% photos of his kid (Asahd had his own Instagram account with nearly 2 million followers). His dad named his most recent album Father of Asahd. He put a picture of his kid on the cover. In interviews, he even claimed his son “produced” the album. Dad even designed a signature shoe with Asahd that they sell at Kids Footlocker.

All this for a two year old.

It’s cute at first. But if you think a little bit more about it, it raises some red flags. Is this really what the kid wants? Is this really healthy or appropriate? Or is it just a cheap way to get attention and exploit his cuteness?

Most of us are not rappers or influencers, so the ethics of a lot of those questions are sort of irrelevant. But we are dads and it’s important we draw some clear boundaries when it comes to our kids. Our kids are our kids. They are not status symbols. They are not extensions of us (or our brands). They are not here so we can impress people—at dinner conversations or in the media. Where they go to college says nothing about us. How cute they look dressed up for their birthday says nothing about us.

Our job is to take care of them, not exploit them. We’re supposed to let them get to be normal, to have a childhood—not to draw them into our adult world prematurely, or because it’s easier for us. That’s the best gift the Father of [Insert Your Kid’s Name] can give them. It might not seem as cool as a platinum record or a shoe deal or bragging rights in front of your friends, but it will go a lot further in making sure they have a healthy, balanced, happy life.

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How to Get Them to Read (Or Do Anything) Dec 03, 2019

Show notes

We want our kids to read. We want them to read instead of watching so much TV or playing with the iPad. So we make up rules or create incentives to motivate them to pick up a book (I’ll give you a dollar for every book you finish this year).

What we don’t do enough is actually the easiest and clearest form of teaching: We don’t provide a good example.

How often do your kids catch you reading? How often do they see you with a book in your hands? You want them to read, but do you read regularly to them? You tell them books are important, that books are fun, but where is the evidence?

If you want your kids to read more, show them what a reader looks like. Talk to them about books. Make books a central part of your house...and your lives. Think about those curse words they know. You’ve actually been tryingto get them not to use them...but where did your kids pick them up? By watching you.

And what’s true for books is true for just about anything—being healthy, being kind, being a hard worker

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Help Them Carry the Fire Dec 03, 2019

Show notes

There are brief moments where you get a glimpse inside your kid’s soul. When they meet their baby brother or sister for the first time and start to cry because of how much love they feel. When they say something truthful and real in a way that adults would never dare. When they offer to share what little they have with somebody else, without any prompting from you.

It’s in these moments that you get the sense that humans are born with inherent goodness. It’s not something we are just taught. It’s a gift that comes to us at birth. There is purity there. Innocence. And yet, as a grown up, you’ve seen enough of the world to know that most people are no longer innocent and pure and good.

So what does that mean? It means your job as a dad is to protect and encourage and nurture that goodness. In Cormac McCarthy’s haunting novel, The Road, he calls this “the fire.” A dad’s job is to help their child carry the fire, to keep them safe long enough that this goodness can pass onto the next generation, and that hope and light can remain in this dark world a little longer.

That’s what you have to do today and every day. Help them carry the fire. Protect the gift. Pass on the light.

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What are Your Rules? Dec 03, 2019

Show notes

In her memoir, Composed, Rosanne Cash talks about how she wished she was as a parent of small children and how different that was from the reality. She recalls that her biggest rule ended up being no juice after 5pm. Why? Something about sugar before bed. In any case, although she knows she did the best she could, Rosanne looks back and wishes she had imposed more structure, more rules on her young children.

That’s something we have to think about as dads. Part of the job of a parent is to come up with the rules of the house and to enforce them (and for them to make sense too!). Winging it might seem better, except that means you’re judging every situation anew—deciding in the moment what to allow and what not to. Letting things slide might seem easier, but the chaos that flows from it is much more difficult.

So what are the rules of your house? What’s expected of your kids—in terms of chores, behaviors, and habits? What’s forbidden? What don’t we do in this house? Are you firm about the rules? Do you make sure everyone follows them, including yourself? And then, crucially, what is the logic behind these rules and can you explain them in a way that gets real buy in and understanding? A father is not a tyrant...but a person who makes arbitrary rules without explaining them is.

Create some rules. Stick to them. Be fair about them. Your kids might not love them now, but when they look back on their childhood, they will at least be grateful for the structure and the clarity they provided.

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Epithets for Your Kid Dec 03, 2019

Show notes

One of the most interesting passages in Marcus Aurelius is this one:

Epithets for yourself: Upright. Modest. Straightforward. Sane. Cooperative. Try not to exchange for others.

These were essentially the words he wanted to live by—his principles expressed in the fewest syllables possible. At DailyStoic.com we’ve spent the last couple years talking about how important it is to figure out what these epithets are and to make sure we are living by them.

But here is another way to look at. What if as a father you sat down—ideally with your co-parent—and fleshed out what those words mean for each of your children too? As in what kind of kid are you trying to raise? What are the watchwords that you are attempting to move them towards with your parenting?

Some obvious ones:

Kind.

Loyal.

Moral.

Honest.

And maybe some more specific ones to help them succeed in the world

Creative.

Bilingual.

Hard-working.

A lifelong learner.

Maybe to some dads it’s important for their kids to be athletic. Another, a reader. Others still that their kids live a life of service. There is a lot of room here for choice and most of the answers are right. But if you don’t know what you’re aiming for, how can you expect to hit a target? How do you know you’re not accidentally teaching them to exchange one epithet for another?

The truth is you can’t. So get writing.

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Is It Really Time to Go? Dec 03, 2019

Show notes

Even the most patient dad gets bored. Or has somewhere to be. Or really doesn’t see what makes this flower--the 400th one drawn in a row--so special. So we want to prod our kids along.

Dinner’s almost ready. We’re going to be late. The game’s about to start. It’s really hot out here.

The entrepreneur Derek Sivers has talked about how hard he works to override these instincts. Because the truth is, most of the stuff we’re rushing to is not that urgent. “Whatever he’s doing right now, that’s the most important thing,” Derek wrote. “So I encourage him to keep doing it as long as possible. I never say, ‘Come on! Let’s go!’ Of course my adult mind wanders to all the other things we could be doing. But I let it go, and return to that present focus.”

There is a certain amount of Zen in that, which is valuable to us for its own sake. But with regard to our kids, it’s also teaching them a valuable skill. Shouldn’t we want them to develop the ability to focus and pursue their curiosity? Isn’t it worth it for them to get a little dirty or for you to show up to the birthday party a bit late because they were really, intensely alive for a few minutes? And isn’t this a better problem to have than struggling to motivate a bunch of screen addicted zombies, as is so often the case for modern parents these days?

Encourage your kids. Resist the urge to hurry. It’s not really time to go. You’re exactly where you—and they—need to be.

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Your Kids are Not a Reflection of You Dec 03, 2019

Show notes

The philosopher Stilpo of Megara had a daughter who had a bad reputation. We don’t know what for, it could have be deserved or it could have been one of those ridiculously minor violations of etiquette that the ancient world was so obsessed about. They weren’t exactly shy about double standards back then, especially when it came to women.

But that’s beside the point. Someone once tried to shame Stilpo for his daughter’s reputation. His reply is worth noting: “She is not more a disgrace to me than I am an honour to her.”

This might seem like a detached or un-fatherly thing to say, but it is in fact, the healthiest and most respectful approach for a parent to have. Your kids are their own people. If they succeed and go to a great college and make a lot of money, that’s because they worked hard and got there. It doesn’t really say anything about you. If they mess up, it’s because they messed up. It doesn’t say you’re a bad father. The same goes for your successes and your failures—your kids aren’t extra special or important just because you’re great at your job. Your kids are no less important or special because you’re out of work or struggling.

Yes, of course, we’re all working together and as a parent, it’s your responsibility to care for them, love them, provide for them, and teach them the right lessons. But don’t associate what they do, what they wear, whether they’re the cool kid at school or a little awkward, with yourself. And don’t assume that just because you’re you that that somehow raises or lowers expectations for them.

Life is hard enough for a kid out there. Don’t make it harder. Don’t add extra pressure. Let them be their own people. Love them the same, always, no matter what happens or how things go.

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