This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 1/15/2021.
In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week’s biggest stories like how Arminians are storming the gates of Heaven to protest election, wild manatees are suddenly coming out in a strong show of support for Donald Trump, and censorship is hitting anyone to the right of Stalin thanks to “Big T.” Kyle’s favorite bird to pronounce eats an alligator, samosas fly into space, and the squirrels are up to something! It’s another The Babylon Bee news show!
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Kyle celebrates his birthday with the California Highway Patrol.
Stuff That’s Good
Kyle likes Pete Vik’s Hope and Light & Darkness.
Ethan likes Gran Torino… again. And The Outlaw Josey Wales. Okay, Clint Eastwood stuff n general.
Game warden uses marksmanship to rescue deer with locked antlers
Fulfilled prophecy? Mysterious NYC squirrel attacks rise in Queens neighborhood: Report
Website seeks 'professional binge watcher' to watch Netflix, eat pizza
Samosa sent to 'space' by British eatery crash-lands in France
Scientists Report First Instances of Dwarf Giraffes
Florida manatee has 'TRUMP' etched into its side; officials seek information
Florida bird caught on video swallowing whole alligator
Kyle gets three Guinness World Records since it is his birthday!
Man chops through apples while juggling knives for Guinness record
Siblings Set World Record for the Highest Combined Age, 1042 Years
Athlete does 64 hand-release pushups in one minute for new record
Stories of the Week
Story 1 Arminians Storm God's Throne Room To Protest Election
Summary:A gang of rogue Arminians has broken into God's throne room in order to protest the doctrine of election, sources confirmed Thursday. Hordes of the anti-Calvinist protesters stormed the gates of heaven before angels were forced to fall back and barricade the throne room.
"Down with the predestined, sovereign election of God!" cried one man from Florida as he burst into the throne room wearing a buffalo hat. "This whole thing is rigged! Divine interference!"
Arminians were seen scaling the walls of heaven. One managed to hang a "Who is able to resist His will?" banner on the gates of the place, while others busted in and started roaming the streets of gold looking for the Lord's throne room. A few made it in but were instantly killed by being in the presence of the Almighty God, sparking further protests.
There was very little looting, though a few Chick-fil-A sandwiches were taken.
At publishing time, Arminians had suggested the protesters were actually Calvinists disguised as Arminians to make them look bad. Calvinists say there is no proof of this as most of the protesters had neither beards nor smug looks on their faces.
The Real Story: Oh wait, the capitol building got stormed too? The capitol building was stormed, presumably by pro-Trump fanatics who think the 2020 election was rigged.
-A man in a buffalo hat was there and another man walked off with a podium. One man ransacked Nancy Pelosi’s office.
-Also, in related news, The Babylon Bee slack channel simply titled #Theology because #ArguingAboutCalvinism was too long, has kicked off with many fiery screeds about free will, election, predestination, and the love of God.
-Imagine if Trump had won, none of this would have happened. this is Antifa at the capitol:
-Antifa leader “Brothers, fret we may, but a fair election has ended and we must accept the results, though they were not in our favor. Lay down your bricks. Remove the vodka soaked rags from your molotov cocktails and drink with me as we accept these results like men. We shall leave the Capitol unmolested, we will don no buffalo garments, for we are not like those savages. Yes, we have a line we will not cross, and this is it.” Then they sing an ancient Antifa war song about honor, tragedy, and losing with dignity..
Sad part of the story, in addition to the erosion of our norms and culture, was that a woman Ashli Babbitt was shot dead by the police, several other rioters died from medical emergencies, and a capitol police officer, Brian Sicknick, was killed in the riot at the Capitol.
See also: Our NEW animation about Who Was Really Behind The Attack On The Capitol
Story 2 After Being Kicked Off Social Media, Trump Forced To Go Door To Door And Shout 'RIGGED ELECTION!'
Summary: After being permanently banned from social media, President Trump has been forced to knock on doors across the country, one door at a time. If anyone opens the door, he will shout one of his classic lines such as "RIGGED ELECTION!" or "Hillary is a loser! SAD!" at them before moving on to the next house.
Real Story: Big Tech is going nuts on the censorship front.Donald Trump got suspended from Twitter and Facebook for “inciting a riot”
Twitter’s statement said, “After close review of recent Tweets from the @realDonaldTrump account and the context around them — specifically how they are being received and interpreted on and off Twitter — we have permanently suspended the account due to the risk of further incitement of violence.”
Amazon, Apple, and Google got Parler got taken down.
Ron Paul has been blocked from Facebook.
Conservatives, libertarians and otherwise non-woke people seem to be shedding followers on Twitter and also 70,000 Q accounts are being booted en masse.
Conservatives have been quick to point out the double standards and hypocrisy of social media companies letting leftist incitements to violence stay and slamming the hammer down on conservatives.
Revealing CNN article: Defiant Trump denounces violence but takes no responsibility for inciting deadly riot
Twitter blog about Trump tweets
Story 3 Biden Unveils Skin Color Chart To Determine Who Gets Federal Aid
Summary: President-elect Joe Biden gave a press briefing from the basement of his Wilmington mansion announcing that his incoming administration will be utilizing an innovative skin color chart to determine who is the priority in receiving their share of the $900 billion federal coronavirus aid package recently passed by Congress.
“Our priority will be black, Latino, Asian, and Native American-owned small businesses, women-owned businesses (real quote),” Biden informed the nation. “We are sending out a new color chart to all agencies involved to make sure there is no malarkey…”
Experts praised the administration’s new color chart as being very unambiguous, black-and-white even, on who the government was going to help and not help.
Real Story: From Joe Biden’s website “To address the racial wealth gap, the opportunity gap, and the jobs gap for Black and Brown people, Biden will launch a historic effort to empower small business creation and expansion in economically disadvantaged areas – and particularly for Black-, Latino-, AAPI-, and Native American-owned businesses.”
Joe Biden Website
Washington Post Article On Joe Biden Small Business Plan
Joe Biden’s reported nominee for head of DOJ, Kristen Clarke said back in her Harvard days, “Melanin endows Blacks with greater mental, physical and spiritual abilities — something which cannot be measured based on Eurocentric standards.”
Topic of the Week:
Big Tech Censorship, what is the role of social media?
-Libertarian private property trumps all so a private company can just do what it wants?
-Federal Section 230 protections protect social media companies as being considered platforms instead of publishers- is that cool?
-Jack was gloating about Parler being taken down.
-Are we heading to a place where conservatives have to make their own phones, own networks, own web providers, own banks?
They made their own, Parler, and it got taken down by Amazon, Google, and Apple.
GoDaddy took away the domain registration for a gun forum AR-15.com
Big megacorporations like AMEX, AMAZON, Marriot, Commerce Bank, Dow, Hallmark, Blue Cross, Charles Shwab, their PACs are cutting off donations to 147 Republicans who supported efforts against certifying the election results.
At least three banks are cutting off ties from Trump. (Signature, Deutsche, and Profession banks)
What are the implications for The Babylon Bee? What threats do we have and why do we need subscribers to support us.
The hypocrisy of Big Tech of what they allow to remain up.
Will says we are making Christianity look bad again.
Behind the Scenes Update
When this comes out Kyle will be at Winter Bee Con in Michigan.
Jackson Baker sent us a video about how the proposal went and answers some of Ethan’s questions like if Kelsey got bored reading the list of tips from the Bee.
Bonus Hate Mail
Doug incites violence we think and maybe thinks we created social media?
Got Any Cool Stories?
Story Time With Ethan Nicolle
Email us your cool stories!