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    Kids & Family

    Sunshine Parenting

    Camp Director, Mom, Author, and Speaker Audrey Monke and other youth development experts discuss summer camp, family life, raising thriving kids, and ideas for living more connected and happier lives.

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    Latest Episodes:
    Ep. 17: Unplugged Middle School Lunch with Rebecca Gogel Nov 07, 2017
    Show notes

    Inspired by this article, as well as my personal connection to her school, I recently got in touch with Corona del Mar Middle School Principal Rebecca "Becky" Gogel to talk about her new phone-free lunch policy, implemented at the start of the 2017-2018 school year.

    Becky is in her third year leading CDM Middle School as Principal and, together with her teachers and staff, decided to implement the no cell phones at lunch policy after watching students and reading the research.

    I enjoyed talking with Gogel about how she implemented the program and what the parent and student response has been.

    This is a must-listen for educators and parents who want to hear about a great way to get our kids connecting better face-to-face during the school day. Kudos to Gogel for leading the way and showing other secondary schools how to implement screen free times and encourage kids to connect face-to-face!

    Read more about Gogel in her welcome message to families.

    Read the Los Angeles Times article and view more photos!


    Ep. 16: Born to be Wild with Dr. Jess P. Shatkin Oct 23, 2017
    Show notes

    In Episode 16, I talk with one of our country's foremost experts on adolescent mental health, Dr. Jess P. Shatkin, about his parenting book, Born to Be Wild: Why Teens Take Risks, and How We Can Help Keep Them Safe. We cover a range of topics about teenagers and parenting, including sleep, social skills, summer camp, being present with our kids, teen decision making, and more. I highly recommend listening if you have 34 minutes!

    I highly recommend Born to be Wild to parents of pre-teens and adolescents, as well as to school administrators and camp professionals. Shatkin offers important insights about why teens take risks and how parents and adult mentors can help prevent some of the more dangerous risk-taking.

    The book is based on Shatkin's vast experience counseling, teaching, and working with adolescents as a clinician. In it, he clearly outlines why the current educational efforts on important issues like sexual activity, dangerous driving habits, and alcohol and drug use don't work and how there is a vital need for a completely different approach, one that he has developed and practiced through his Child and Adolescent Mental Health Studies (CAMS) program at NYU.

    Says Shatkin, "If we have enough time with students, we can actually have a huge impact through these character education efforts." His prescribed approach focuses on teaching teens about risk and resilience, role playing specific scenarios, and having pro-social adult role models.

    Shatkin has positive things to say about summer camp experiences, as well, and notes that camp counselors can serve an important role by providing adolescents a few years younger than they are with something positive to strive for. Shatkin commented about his own camp experiences, "I thought my camp counselors were the greatest people in the world. I remember everything they taught me."

    Some of Shatkin's insights are ones many of us already know but aren't necessarily doing enough about. Those insights revolve our kids' sleep, screen use, and the importance of staying involved in our adolescents' lives. Shatkin's specific, research-based recommendations offer the motivation parents may need to make some changes at home around sleep schedules and screen use.

    There are additional insights that were new to me and gave me a lot to think about in how I am raising my teenage sons as well as how I can more positively influence the adolescents with whom I work at camp, both the campers and the young adult counselors.

    One insight from Born to be Wild I shared with my husband and teenage sons was about Shatkin's research on how teens actually make risky decisions, which is not what most of us have believed. Parents and others have incorrectly thought that teenagers' poor decisions were based on an inability to properly think through consequences due to their not-quite-developed brains. Actually, the problem is teens spend too much time thinking and rationalizing their actions. Teens don't feel invincible and actually estimate the chances of something bad happening to them as greater than they actually are. But they will rationalize making poor choices "in the moment" rather than just using a decision-making skill that experienced adults use more often to more consistently make good decisions. Shatkin calls this more advanced decision making skill, which requires less (not more) thought, "gist" thinking. Experienced adults don't think about many variables before making a decision. Instead, they use their previous experience to always, for example, make the decision to use protection when having sex (unless they are trying to get pregnant). Teens, who often were not even planning to have sex and therefore don't have protection with them, think about different variables and rationalize in the moment that it's okay to have unprotected sex.

    If you'd like to read more about Dr. Shatkin or listen to his weekly radio show, here are the links:

    drjesspshatkin.com

    About Our Kids Weekly Radio Show on Sirius XM Channel 110 (8 am-10 am, EST)


    Ep. 15: Traits of Parents Who are Great to Work With Oct 03, 2017
    Show notes

    I think it's one of my favorite parts of my job, getting to form these really positive, effective, and fun partnerships with parents. -Sara Kuljis

    Last week during a trip to Southern California, I had the pleasure of an impromptu visit and Facebook Live session with Sara Kuljis, my dear friend who happens to also be a camp director like me. Sara and her husband Steve own and direct Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp.

    Sara and I both have decades of experience working at camp. We both love working directly with our campers and training our counselors, but a big part of our job as camp directors involves working with our campers' parents. And, like all people (teachers, coaches, etc.) who work with other people's children, we have strong opinions about what makes a parent great to work with.

    Following our conversation, I thought I'd sum up the traits we discussed, because it's always in the best interests of kids for parents to partner with teachers, school administrators, coaches and camp directors! So, even if you don't have time to listen to the podcast or watch the video, following are the six traits we discussed.

    TRAITS OF PARENTS WHO ARE GREAT TO WORK WITH #1 Parents who understand children grow through challenge #2 Parents who are willing to help prepare their child for new experiences #3 Parents who are willing to share insights about their child, without getting defensive #4 Parents who admit to their own fears about "letting go" #5 Parents who understand that in order to gain some independence, kids need - at some point - to try new things away from parents #6 Parents who don't "label" their kids

    Note: We side-tracked into an interesting conversation about our thoughts about whether or not parents need to find a buddy to go to camp with their child the first time. This insightful comment came through on Facebook from a parent who listened to our interview (thank you, Christine!):

    My daughter was nervous to go to camp without a friend, but when she got home she commented that it would have changed the experience to have a friend with her. She feels she was really able to be herself and do things she may not have done if she went with a pal from home.

    -Christine, Camp Parent

    Watch the 17-minute video of our talk on Facebook or listen to the podcast by clicking the play button on the link at the top of this post.

    Want to hear more from Sara and Audrey? We're available (together or individually) to come talk to your parent group!

    Send Audrey an email or visit her speaking page to inquire, or email Sara directly.


    Ep. 14: Ignore It! with Catherine Pearlman Sep 15, 2017
    Show notes

    In Episode 14 of the Sunshine Parenting podcast, I interview Catherine Pearlman, founder of The Family Coach. She co-hosts (with her sports writer husband, Jeff Pearlman) The Sports Parent podcast and is author of the recently released parenting book, Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.

    We have an enlightening discussion about the book and it's applicability not just to the younger set (toddlers) but to teens and young adults, as well. As I said in the interview, I wasn't sure I'd find this book helpful with my teenage sons, but I already have found success using Pearlman's Ignore It! technique, which is not quite as simple as it sounds. In the book Pearlman outlines the occasions when ignoring behavior is appropriate, how to reengage when the behavior stops, and how to praise and reinforce desired behaviors. I was, of course, happy to hear that Pearlman has vast summer camp experience as a camper, counselor, and director!

    The book jacket description is accurate:

    This book teaches frustrated, stressed-out parents that selectively ignoring certain behaviors can actually inspire positive changes in their kids.

    With all the whining, complaining, begging, and negotiating, parenting can seem more like a chore than a pleasure. Dr. Catherine Pearlman, syndicated columnist and one of America's leading parenting experts, has a simple yet revolutionary solution: Ignore It!

    Dr. Pearlman's four-step process returns the joy to child rearing. Combining highly effective strategies with time-tested approaches, she teaches parents when to selectively look the other way to withdraw reinforcement for undesirable behaviors. Too often we find ourselves bargaining, debating, arguing and pleading with kids. Instead of improved behavior parents are ensuring that the behavior will not only continue but often get worse. When children receive no attention or reward for misbehavior, they realize their ways of acting are ineffective and cease doing it. Using proven strategies supported by research, this book shows parents how to:

    – Avoid engaging in a power struggle

    – Stop using attention as a reward for misbehavior

    – Use effective behavior modification techniques to diminish and often eliminate problem behaviors

    As Pearlman says, the book is for parents of kids from 2-21, but the techniques might also be useful in other settings, including with adults who have difficult behaviors!

    Let me know what you think about the podcast and the book! Comment here or send me an email.

    Resources/Links:

    The Family Coach Website

    Ignore It! How Selectively Looking the Other Way Can Decrease Behavioral Problems and Increase Parenting Satisfaction.

    Related Posts:

    Catch Them Doing the Right Thing

    Focus on the "Do"s

    10 Ways to do Less and be a More Effective Parent


    Ep. 13: Raising Boys to be "Knights" with Heather Haupt Aug 02, 2017
    Show notes

    "You are to use that [strength] to defend the women in your life against men that are abusing their strength." -Heather Haupt

    In Episode 13 of the podcast, I'm talking with Heather Haupt about her book Knights in Training: Ten Principles for Raising Honorable, Courageous, and Compassionate Boys.

    After interviewing Kathleen Buckstaff about her book Get Savvy, reading this book and interviewing author Heather Haupt was a natural follow up. While we want our girls to learn to protect themselves from harm, just as important is raising our boys to be the "noble" men that Buckstaff describes.

    After reading several books on the topic of knights, Haupt was inspired to use the concepts to inspire her boys. In her research, Haupt discovered that "chivalry is so much more than how a man treats a woman. That was just a small aspect but it [chivalry] was a whole code of conduct and way of living."

    Haupt used the principles of a Knight's Code of Chivalry to create a "Knight Training" for her young boys (ages 6, 4, and 3 at the time she started the training six years ago). In describing how she introduced the concept to her boys, Heather recounted what she told them:

    "We're going to learn to embody not only the skills the knight had, but his heart, because that is where his true strength lies. And so I read to them the Code of Chivalry, and I said, 'This is what I'm calling you to live up to. Are you up for the challenge?' and they gave a resounding, 'Yes!'"

    Haupt's boys loved using foam swords and learning to follow proper dueling rules, practicing climbing and jousting skills, and practicing archery. In addition, they mastered "squire's work," which included chores like setting the table and tidying up their "knight's abode." Learning the art of disagreeing, manners, and situational awareness are part of the chapter on the code of "don't give offense."

    The code became a way to both teach practical skills and discuss character traits Haupt wanted to instill in her sons. She ends each chapter with a section called "Throwing down the Gauntlet," where she offers ideas for teaching each aspect of the code.

    While Haupt writes from a faith-based perspective (she opens with the code of "Love God"), most of the knight training concepts are applicable for families of any religious background who want to teach boys values like standing against injustice, respecting women, speaking truth, persevering, and pursuing excellence. Even though my own boys are beyond the age of training with toy swords, I found many of the concepts still applicable.

    Find out more about Heather's work and speaking events:

    heatherhaupt.com

    Instagram

    Facebook

    Twitter


    Ep. 12: Teaching Teen Girls to "Get Savvy" with Kathleen Buckstaff Jul 12, 2017
    Show notes

    "I've written the book that I needed as a teenage girl." -Kathleen Buckstaff

    In Episode 12 of the podcast, I'm talking with author and parent Kathleen Buckstaff. Kathleen and I were classmates at Stanford in the 80s, and we reconnected a few years ago when I learned about this book she had just started writing. We have since shared many lengthy conversations about parenting and educating others on important issues affecting teenagers.

    Kathleen's new book, Get Savvy: Letters to a Teenage Girl about Sex and Love is a must-read for every parent, educator, psychologist, and camp professional. If you love or work with teens and young adults, please read this book!

    Kathleen wrote this book intending it for mothers and daughters but is finding that her audience is also including fathers and even two fraternities who are reading the book this summer.

    Identifying predators' traits, tactics, and tricks is just one important part of Kathleen's educational message for young women. Examples from Kathleen's own experience and interviews with many young women provide compelling examples of steps to take to reduce the risk of sexual assault.

    "Basically, I want us to change how we think about predators so that we can then talk to our daughters and sons, so that our daughters are aware that it's most likely someone that they know who may approach them in a way that isn't okay or that's illegal or both, and for our sons to be willing to step up and intervene and not look the other way or laugh." -Kathleen Buckstaff

    I want Kathleen's important insights about relationships, respect, and love to be shared with this entire generation of young people - both girls and boys.

    Respect, discernment, boundaries, and love are all topics that Kathleen covers by offering excellent discussion questions and role playing ideas. Her goal is to help all people create happier relationships.

    Learn more about the book and follow Kathleen's work:

    Order Get Savvy: Letters to a Teenage Girl about Sex and Love at Amazon

    Kathleen Buckstaff's Website

    Walk Savvy Girls (Instagram)

    Kathleen's Facebook Page

    Kathleen's Walk Savvy on Twitter


    Ep. 11: The Opposite of Spoiled with Ron Lieber Jun 29, 2017
    Show notes

    What summer camp offers is the opportunity to quite deliberately place them [children] in a very different environment, and if you are careful about that, you can use that summer period as almost a "spiritual delousing." -Ron Lieber

    In Episode 11 of the podcast, I'm talking with Ron Lieber, author of the 2015 New York Times and Wall Street Journal best-seller The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money. Lieber, father of two, has been the "Your Money" columnist for the New York Times since 2008, has a robust community and conversation on his Facebook page and an informative website. Lieber is a sought-after keynote speaker.

    "Every money conversation is also a conversation about values." -Ron Lieber

    About the book: "The Opposite of Spoiled is all about how, when and why to talk to kids about money, whether they are 3 years old or teenagers. Written in a warm, accessible voice, grounded in real-world experience and stories from families with a range of incomes, The Opposite of Spoiled is both a practical guidebook and a values-based philosophy."

    In our interview, we talked about "forced deprivation," not buying kids everything they want just because we can afford it. Because he mentioned summer camp in a section of his book titled "How Overnight Camp Can Help" (p. 187 in the paperback), I reached out to talk with Ron more about his thoughts on how summer camp experiences can help teach kids values.

    The Stanford psychologist Lieber refers to in our interview is William Damon, author of The Path to Purpose: How Young People Find Their Calling in Life and Failing Liberty 101: How We Are Leaving Young Americans Unprepared for Citizenship in a Free Society (Hoover Institution Press Publication), among several other books.

    Where to find and follow Ron Lieber:

    "Your Money" column, New York Times

    Ron Lieber's Website: Sign up for tips on how to have more useful and meaningful family conversations about money.

    The Opposite of Spoiled

    Facebook: Ron Lieber and The Opposite of Spoiled

    Twitter: @ronlieber


    Ep. 10: Homesick and Happy with Michael Thompson, Ph.D. Jun 10, 2017
    Show notes

    In Episode 10 of the podcast, I had the pleasure of interviewing one of my favorite parenting and camp experts, best-selling author Michael Thompson, Ph.D.

    For more than three decades, Thompson has been a clinical psychologist, school and camp consultant, and international speaker on the subjects of children, schools, and parenting.

    Throughout my career as a camp director, Michael has graciously offered his wisdom, advice and mentoring. I've written about his conference sessions, books, and wisdom in several of my posts, including Homesickness Help and Secondary Homesick: When Your Camper Doesn't Want to go Back to Camp.

    I continue to learn a lot from Thompson's books and conference training sessions and I highly recommend his book Homesick and Happy to parents who are unsure about whether to send their child to camp.Thompson wrote the book to "remind parents of how lovely it is to be away from home."

    Order Homesick and Happy:

    Homesick and Happy: How Time Away from Parents Can Help a Child Grow

    Related Posts:

    10 Messages for a Homesick Camper

    Homesickness Dos and Don'ts

    Kidsickness

    Parking Your Helicopter

    10 Must-Read Books for Parents of Boys

    In the podcast, we also talk about some of Thompson's other books, including three of his popular books about raising boys, two of which I have just added to my own library (Speaking of Boys and It's a Boy):

    Speaking of Boys: Answers to the Most-Asked Questions about Raising Sons

    "With candid questions and thoughtful, detailed responses, Speaking of Boys covers hot-button topics such as peer pressure, ADHD/ADD, and body image as well as traditional issues such as friendship, divorce, and college and career development. This perceptive, informative, and passionate book will leave you not only with useful, practical advice but also with the comforting knowledge that other parents share the same concerns you do when it comes to raising our boys into well-adjusted, responsible men."

    Raising Cain

    "In Raising Cain, Michael Thompson and collaborator Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., two of the country's leading child psychologists, share what they have learned in decades of combined experience working with boys and their families. They reveal a nation of boys who are hurting—sad, afraid, angry, and silent. Drs. Thompson and Kindlon set out to answer this basic, crucial question: What do boys need that they're not getting? They illuminate the forces that threaten our boys, teaching them to believe that "cool" equals macho strength and stoicism. Cutting through outdated theories of "mother blame," "boy biology," and "testosterone," the authors shed light on the destructive emotional training our boys receive–the emotional miseducation of boys.

    The book makes a compelling case that emotional literacy is the most valuable gift we can offer our sons, urging parents to recognize the price boys pay when we hold them to an impossible standard of manhood. The two psychologists identify the social and emotional challenges that boys encounter in school and show how parents can help boys cultivate emotional awareness and empathy–giving them the vital connections and support they need to navigate the social pressures of youth."

    It's a Boy

    Thompson's It's a Boy is a chronological book starting from before your boy is born all the way through being a high school senior. Thompson recommends "dipping into" this book, not reading it all the way through until your boy gets to the age Thompson talks about it.

    "It's a Boy! provides expert advice on the developmental, psychological, social, emotional, and academic life of boys from infancy through the teen years. Exploring the many ways in which boys strive for masculinity and attempt to define themselves, psychologist Michael Thompson, Ph.D., a leading international expert on boys' development, and journalist Teresa H. Barker identify the key developmental transitions that mark a boy's psychological growth and emotional health, and the challenges both boys and parents face at each age."

    Thompson also wrote an excellent book (which I have in my library and have read) about the social lives of children called Best Friends, Worst Enemies.

    "Best Friends, Worst Enemies brings to life the drama of childhood relationships, guiding parents to a deeper understanding of the motives and meanings of social behavior. Here you will find penetrating discussions of the difference between friendship and popularity, how boys and girls deal in unique ways with intimacy and commitment, whether all kids need a best friend, why cliques form and what you can do about them."

    If you don't have any of Thompson's book in your parenting library, I recommend you pick one up and check it out. His warmth, breadth of experience, and practical advice are incredibly valuable.

    Michael Thompson's website

    More information about Audrey's new book is here: Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults.

    In Happy Campers, Audrey shares what she's learned from three decades of creating a culture where kids become happier while gaining important social and emotional skills. The book is based on her thousands of interactions with campers, camp counselors, and parents, her academic research in positive psychology, and interviews with camp directors from across the country.


    Ep. 9: Being a Camp Counselor is the Best Job with Daniella Garran May 26, 2017
    Show notes

    "Everything good in my life is because of camp." Daniella Garran

    Daniella Garran calls herself a camp "cultist" because she loves camp that much. Daniella has been at Cape Code Sea Camps since 1984 as both a camper and a counselor, and she now serves as an assistant director. In her role at CCSC now, Daniella schedules over 400 campers and oversees the teen leadership program.

    Daniella loves summer camp so much, she even wrote a book called Hello Mother, Hello Father: Celebrating Summer Camp! The book is a beautiful, hard cover, coffee-table style book that covers the history of summer camps in the United States. For the book, she interviewed campers, staff, and alumni from many different American summer camps. I first connected with Daniella when she was writing the book, and she ended up interviewing alumni from my camp, who are quoted in the book.

    In Episode 10, I interview Daniella about her experiences at camp, what she learned as a camp counselor, and how she is able to use those skills as a 7th grade teacher. We also talk about why she recommends camp counseling as a great summer job and what she wants to tell parents who think an internship is a better idea than being a camp counselor!

    Related: Why Being a Camp Counselor is the Best Summer Job


    Ep. 8: A Camp-Grown Parenting Style with Scott & Sally Whipple May 09, 2017
    Show notes

    "Sometimes we feel like salmon swimming upstream, but camp has really made us feel comfortable when we've made those decisions that go against the current in our community." -Sally Whipple

    In Episode 8 of the Podcast, I talk with Scott and Sally Whipple, the owners of three Bay Area (California) camps: Mountain Camp Mountain Camp Woodside Plantation Farm Camps

    The Whipples share five intentional decisions they've made that have shaped their parenting style:

    #1 Embrace failure #2 Value authentic, kid-generated work #3 Give freedom of choice & empower kids to make changes when things aren't working #4 Preserve unstructured playtime #5 Limit screen time

    "All these things are learned skills...it really is a consistent, focus effort over time to give them the time and space to do these types of creative things." -Scott

    Although the Whipples sometimes feel like "salmon swimming upstream" in their parenting, they are sticking to their unique, camp-grown parenting style!

    Resources/Related:Episode 7: Family Pace & Space with Sara Kuljis 5 Reasons to Unplug 10 Lessons for Parents Raising Kids in a Digital World


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