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Twelve-step programs have helped millions of people, including some of our colleagues. But their constant references to a “higher power” rub some people the wrong way. As orchestral musicians, we only know one “higher power”: the conductor, who rules every aspect of our musical lives! Here are some slightly rewritten twelve steps toward embracing musical anonymity in the orchestra of your choice. The Twelve Orchestral Steps Admit you are powerless over your musical decisions and life has become unmanageable. Surrender those decisions to a higher power to reclaim musical sanity. Turn your musical life over to that higher power (the conductor). Make a searching and fearless inventory of your audition self. Admit the nature of your wrongs to yourself and a practice buddy. Be ready to have the conductor remove your defects of character. Actually ask the conductor to humbly remove those defects. Make a list of colleagues you have musically harmed, and seek to make amends. Make direct amends to these colleagues, especially if you must sit near them. Continue taking inventory and promptly admit wrong accidentals. Through meditation and score study, improve conscious contact with the conductor. After your musical awakening, carry this message to other musicians in the orchestra. Quotes “If you join an orchestra, you’re just a shareholder, but you’re still receiving dividends.” — Akiko Tarumoto [0:08:47] “Getting a job is truth time.” — Akiko Tarumoto [0:11:12] “There is that hope that joining this group, it’s like there’s a power greater than yourself. There’s power in experience.” — @natesviolin [0:17:57] “It’s okay to be wrong a lot as long you admit it.” — @natesviolin [0:24:20] “You could follow these steps and actually be a great orchestral player.” — @natesviolin [0:27:46] “There’s just no way around the anonymity being an orchestral player, but there are positive things about being in an orchestra nevertheless.” — Akiko Tarumoto [0:27:52] Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode: Colburn Sir Laurence Olivier LA Phil Chris Still Transcript EPISODE 37 [INTRODUCTION] [00:00:00] NC: Hello and welcome back to Stand Partners for Life. This is Orchestra Players Anonymous. I’m Nathan Cole. [00:00:08] AT: We’re supposed to be anonymous. [00:00:10] NC: Oh! I already broke the rule. All right. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:27] NC: Well, I have to figure you already know who we are. That’s Akiko Tarumoto over there. Welcome back. If you haven’t seen the website in a little while, head on over to standpartnersforlife.com. We got a bit of a new look and as it befits the new year, 2020 episodes of Stand Partners for Life. There you can make sure you’re subscribed on iTunes, on Google Podcasts, however you get your podcasts. Today we are talking about the anonymous nature of orchestra playing, and this actually came up recently. I teach the violin orchestral rep class at Colburn now, and I got a really good question just today actually. [00:01:10] AT: What was that question? [00:01:13] NC: That’s for that prompt. They asked, they said, “Well, we have a friend,” who that’s always kind of a tipoff, but they said, “We have a friend who says that he would never play in orchestra because you would lose your artistic identity. You’d become anonymous.” First of all, I love how you can’t really talk about orchestra. It’s kind of like how kids learn about the birds and the bees on the playground. It’s like playground wisdom. [00:01:43] AT: You can’t talk about – [00:01:44] NC: Well, I just feel like there’s not a constant dialogue about orchestra playing. You have to kind of ask in secret like, “I have a friend who says this is how it works.” [00:01:53] AT: Right. Well, sure. I mean, we all know why that is. It’s like the vast majority of working musicians, working – Not pianists obviously, but that were out there and orchestra is not being soloists or chamber musicians necessarily, right? [00:02:12] NC: When you’re in school, the ideal is not to play in an orchestra. [00:02:16] AT: Right. It’s like a weird version of your expectations and your training or something. You’re supposed to want to do something not anonymous and “better.” [00:02:27] NC: Right. Well, that’s what we’re going to talk about. But I will say the folks in my class at Colburn, I love the attitude and they’re asking because they really want to know. I honestly do believe they have a friend who said this. They asked and I told them when they said, “Is it true that when you join the orchestra you can become anonymous?” I said, “Absolutely.” I mean, if you just join the orchestra and that’s all the playing you do, you will very quickly lose the ability to – [00:02:59] AT: Even if it’s not the only playing you do. It is tough to bust out of that rut. [00:03:04] NC: Yeah. We thought that we would call this episode Orchestra Players Anonymous, and obviously we’re having a little fun with the 12-step programs, AA, and we should say that we’ve had friends and colleagues who have struggled with addiction and found these programs very helpful. So, while not at all demeaning these particular programs. I think we’re drawn to the fact that, that concept, they talk about this higher power and an orchestra that are really going to be one higher power. [00:03:43] AT: Who’s that? [00:03:44] NC: Who’s the higher power? [00:03:47] AT: Prompting you. [00:03:49] NC: You’re really playing along today. Obviously, the conductor who rules our lives in orchestra. Before I took my first job in orchestra, I did have a friend who I’d play a lot of chamber music with and they said, “How can you do this? How can you join an orchestra?” They actually used the word anonymous, and they said, “You’re going to become anonymous. You’re going to lose every part of you that’s you. You’re going to lose all your musical decision making.” [00:04:16] AT: That’s interesting. I never thought about that. Maybe I should have. [00:04:19] NC: You never got the warning? [00:04:21] AT: No. I’m sure it’s because of people I interacted with thought this is probably the best I could do. Probably like, “We’re not going to warn her. We’ll tell her this is really – She can’t really aspire if she’s really lucky.” [00:04:33] NC: It’s best that you remain anonymous. [00:04:37] AT: Yeah. You were going to be lucky to remain anonymous, lady. [00:04:41] NC: I did get that warning and I really – Everything in me cried out against that. I was like, “I will not. You’ll see.” Sometime in that very first season, and this is was in the same Paul Chamber Orchestra. So not even a giant machine, but a chamber orchestra and I still felt, “Who am I? What am I doing? Do I still sound like Nathan when I play or is the transformation complete?” [00:05:04] AT: It’s possible that my style of playing, like it’s always been so bland or something that like maybe people thought that sound belongs in an orchestra. [00:05:16] NC: You mean like how certain people’s voices kind of sound like newscasters? [00:05:20] AT: Yeah, like you’re not going to be Laurence Olivier. You’re going to be like the weather guy. [00:05:26] NC: So, it just fits. [00:05:27] AT: Maybe that’s what they heard me and they were like, “Okay, weather guy.” [00:05:30] NC: Okay. I can say I’ve heard you play on the very recent side and nothing generic about you. [00:05:37] AT: Yeah. I think I have a good sense of how things are “supposed to sound”. Whatever that’s good for, I think orchestra probably – It’s good for orchestra. [00:05:49] NC: But you could easily see how it could happen, right? How somebody – [00:05:53] AT: Well, has happened obviously, right? [00:05:56] NC: Yeah. I mean, that’s why people warn and that’s why there are the rumors, school yard rumors about – [00:06:01] AT: Yeah. I don’t think it’s like so much you’re going to lose how you play. I think you’re going to lose recognition. That’s certainly a huge deal. You’re going to start being comfortable being anonymous and you’re not going to want to seek the recognition, but your ego will still kind of wonder what happened. There’s some of that. [00:06:18] NC: Right. For the purpose of this episode, as we rewrite the 12 steps, I think we’ve got to put ourselves in the shoes of someone who – Let’s say we have to imagine we’re someone that welcomes that. They want to become anonymous. They want to just blend in, fit in and not have to make any musical decisions anymore. We’re going to have to pretend that we’re – [00:06:44] AT: Wait. This isn’t a very good advertisement for joining an orchestra, but sure. [00:06:48] NC: I mean, I think we can – We have always resisted this even so in some of our darker moments. I think we might crave or embrace the anonymous aspect. But I think in this episode we’re going to pretend that we’re one of those folks that just wants to become anonymous forever. [00:07:09] AT: Okay. [00:07:10] NC: Yeah. These would be the 12 steps to do it. [00:07:13] AT: Okay. I’ll play along. [00:07:14] NC: Yeah. The 12 steps of Orchestra Players Anonymous, and the first one is we admitted we are powerless over our musical decisions and that our musical lives had become unmanageable, right? That’s the first step. I’ve rewritten it and – [00:07:32] AT: Yeah. [00:07:33] NC: Well, because just imagine. I mean, we were saying, you’re playing in string quartets. You’re playing in smaller groups and you’re constantly having conflict with other people and they’re telling you that you don’t phrase clearly and need to play more here. [00:07:51] AT: Right, and you were sort of burdened with these decisions that you had to contribute. [00:07:55] NC: Right. Because you’ve got to argue against that or you’ve got to say, “No. I disagree,” or, “No. I like to play it shorter and here’s why.” Maybe you just get tired of that. It’s become unmanageable. [00:08:07] AT: From what I see, it doesn’t seem like people get tired up. Sure. [00:08:10] NC: Certainly, some people might. If that happened and all that stress became unmanageable, then you would admit that you’re powerless over all these musical decisions that you have to make. [00:08:21] AT: Right. [00:08:22] NC: All right. Well, that’s step one. If you’re going to assume this character, then you would have to admit that. [00:08:30] AT: Okay. All right. [00:08:31] NC: Step two is we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to musical sanity. [00:08:40] AT: Yeah. I think I got there. [00:08:41] NC: Was that power greater than yourself, a conductor? [00:08:45] AT: I think it was just like the idea that if you join an orchestra, you can – Sort of like you’re just a shareholder, but you’re still receiving dividends. [00:08:55] NC: Okay. It’s more like the power greater than yourself is the orchestra, the collective. [00:08:59] AT: Yeah. [00:09:00] NC: Okay. [00:09:01] AT: I like that idea. I think when I was looking around for what I was going to do with my life, it’s not going to be all the pressure won’t be on me and all the glory won’t be mine either, but it will be sort of a fair trade. [00:09:15] NC: Okay, because it’s about to get more personal, more singular in the next rule. I’m not sure that higher power can still be the whole orchestra. We made a decision to turn our will and our musical lives over to the care of – In the original rule, it’s God, as we understood him. I think it’s pretty clear it’s a single – I think all signs are pointing to a conductor. [00:09:42] AT: I still think you can apply it to the orchestra, the blob. The entity [00:09:50] NC: In any case, you have to make a decision to turn your musical will and life over to that higher power as you understand it, or him, and most conductors at this point are him, although we do see more and more female conductors at the L.A. Phil. [00:10:08] AT: I get in trouble. [00:10:10] NC: Get in trouble for saying that we see more female conductors? [00:10:13] AT: No. For saying that mostly they’re male. [00:10:16] NC: No. I mean, they have been overwhelmingly male. I mean, most people think it’s kind of funny that these original rules always talk about a him anyway. [00:10:25] AT: True. [00:10:26] NC: This is interesting, because step four made us searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Would you call that part of the audition process really? Because I feel like you kind of have to do that when you’re auditioning. [00:10:41] AT: Yeah. [00:10:41] NC: Searching id fearless moral inventory. I mean, that’s pretty much – [00:10:45] AT: Yeah, it describes an audition. [00:10:47] NC: Because you’ve talked about many times how you really have to come to terms with what your strengths and weaknesses are. [00:10:53] AT: Yeah, not in a depressing way though. I think that you – It’s like a chance to show off your side. But for the purposes of this, sure. It’s also daily taking inventory of how things are going. [00:11:05] NC: Yeah. Because I think overall this is supposed to be depressing either. I mean, it’s truth time. [00:11:10] AT: Yeah. I mean, sure. I mean, getting a job is truth time. [00:11:15] NC: Let’s say you’re looking at your weaknesses. I mean, what does that mean in terms of the audition? [00:11:20] AT: Yeah. You really are trying to disguise them. I’m not sure that works for this particular analogy. It doesn’t work, because the thing you’re not supposed to do in the 12-step programming is hide. That’s the basis of insecurities, is sort of things that you feel that you’re scrolling away from light of day. [00:11:41] NC: Could you really hide who you are as a player? [00:11:46] AT: Yes. We’ve seen it. No names. We’ve seen it. It’s anonymous. [00:11:53] NC: It’s true. [00:11:57] AT: Maybe we should do an orchestra auditions anonymous. [00:12:01] NC: This is really more of a whole life, whole musical life type process. But, on, that also would be – You say you can hide it. [00:12:10] AT: In an audition? Yeah. [00:12:13] NC: Okay. [00:12:15] AT: You’re not refusing to play things. Obviously, that doesn’t work, but you can really look out not having ugly little secrets not be unearthed. [00:12:25] NC: But in any case, you would have to do that inventory, the moral inventory, in order to know what things you’d even want to hide. [00:12:33] AT: Well, no not really, because the audition, it’s not up to you what they’re going to ask. Some ways, yeah, you’re facing, like they could ask anything. You’re not willfully hiding it. Sure. [00:12:44] NC: I mean, for you to do your best, you should know what your strengths and weaknesses are. [00:12:50] AT: Yes. Yeah, because as we’ve gone over this, the choices that you have in an audition, such as choosing your repertoire, even like your tempos and your dynamics that you’re capable of doing. If you’re savvy about it, sure, you can sort of draw people’s attention to your strength and hopefully away from your weakness. But I mean, there are certain weaknesses that once they get exposed, it’s like you’re out. [00:13:20] NC: Yeah. There are some strategery as they say. [00:13:24] AT: Yeah, for sure. [00:13:26] NC: All right. Step five, next step, is admitted to, well, this higher power. Admitted to higher power to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Well, this is the concept of the accountability partner, really. It could be like your audition buddy, your practice partner, your practice buddy with whom you hide nothing. [00:13:56] AT: I mean, for me, that’s really you. [00:13:59] NC: Okay. [00:14:00] AT: Is that helpful? Sure. I’m not sure everybody has that. It’s really helpful to have you as that person. [00:14:09] NC: We’re lucky in that way because we’ve been there for each other for so many years and we do share this musical life. It was interesting hearing our friend, our colleague, Chris Still talk about this, and he has his website, if you haven’t seen it, honestypill.com. He works a lot with audition prep and he was telling me his story once about how he really had an audition partner or even m…
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