Something Like Marriage

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Morning and Evening Rituals Apr 18, 2019

Show notes

Morning and evening rituals invite connection in your relationship. They can be as simple or as complex as the two of you would like. Jon and I enjoy simple ways of connecting - a cup of coffee with a kiss in the morning and talking while snuggling at night. Some couples enjoy sharing gratitudes, checking in on how they are feeling, or enjoying an evening walk together. Be creative to find something that works for the two of you. The hope is that morning and evening rituals encourage us to be present with one another. As we share in this episode, Jon considers himself a quiet morning person, while I am naturally a more peppy morning girl myself! I am learning how to enjoy quiet moments with writing and meditation. While Jon finds having personal routines creates peace in his day. We both agree that keeping expectations low and finding a simple rhythm is important in our relationship. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Hans Vivek) Subscribe & Review in iTunes Are you subscribed to our podcast? If not, we would love to have you! We are adding to our relationship episodes by the week and want to keep you connected to the community. Click here to subscribe in iTunes! If any of our ramblings have been helpful to your relationship, we would be grateful if you would let us know by leaving a review on iTunes. Such reviews are how others find our podcast and we learn more about how the podcast has been loving in your life. Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review." Thank you friend! "Morning and Evening Rituals" Podcast Gems: Create simple and manageable routines.Meet in the middle if one of you is a morning person and the other an evening person. Develop couple rituals as well as family rituals.A simple act of making your lover coffee can be a way to connect in the morning.

Spirituality and Relationship Apr 04, 2019

Show notes

In realizing we cannot be everything to our spouse or partner all of the time, developing our individual spirituality has been helpful. In times where we need to look outside of ourselves and our relationship, we can believe in a loving life force energy to care for us. Some may call this God, The Universe, or another loving name. In this episode, we talk about how our spirituality has supported our relationship. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Mohamed Nohassi) (True Facts is the ridiculous science show we referenced) Subscribe & Review in iTunes Are you subscribed to our podcast? If not, we would love to have you! We are adding to our relationship episodes by the week and want to keep you connected to the community. Click here to subscribe in iTunes! If any of our ramblings have been helpful to your relationship, we would be grateful if you would let us know by leaving a review on iTunes. Such reviews are how others find our podcast and we learn more about how the podcast has been loving in your life. Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review." Thank you friend!

The Beauty of Non-Sexual Touch in a Relationship Mar 27, 2019

Show notes

Non-sexual touch in a relationship can look like many things from holding one another to a kiss. It is touch of connection and affection without the intention leading to sex. When relishing in touch such as long three-minute hugs or thirty-second kisses, oxytocin and endorphins are released. They help to bond us to one another and to lessen our stress and anxiety. The only problem is, non-sexual touch for some of us may not feel so loving. In this episode, Jon shares he is all about this long indulgence of touch, while I am more cautious. I love being near him and cuddling, and I also have some touch which creates a feeling of being trapped for me. We talk about how it is important to distinguish what non-sexual touch looks like for your relationship, and what kind feels loving. I resented the stereotype that all men had the intention that when they touched you it was to get sex or be sexual. The truth is that everyone longs for non-sexual touch, and it is a need we have. Jon shares, "I resented the stereotype that all men had the intention that when they touched you it was to get sex or be sexual. I never really connected with that sentiment. I didn't like that I got lumped in with all the rest of the guys." The truth is men and women both long for non-sexual touch. There is so much joy in sharing a hug, a hand-hold, or a cuddle. Just find what works for the two of you! (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Katarina Šikuljak) Subscribe & Review in iTunes Are you subscribed to our podcast? If not, we would love to have you! We are adding to our relationship episodes by the week and want to keep you connected to the community. Click here to subscribe in iTunes! If any of our ramblings have been helpful to your relationship, we would be grateful if you would let us know by leaving a review on iTunes. Such reviews are how others find our podcast and we learn more about how the podcast has been loving in your life. Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review." Thank you friend! "The Beauty of Non-Sexual Touch in A Relationship" Podcast Gems: When your minimalistic wardrobe contains more items with holes than not, it is time to go shopping. The action of non-sexual touch speaks louder for Jon and is not as confusing as words. It says, “I choose you.”Many times the spouse or partner with the lower sex drive will begin to withhold touch if it is always met with sex.Talk about what kind of non-sexual touch you love, and find out what feels good to your spouse or partner.We talk about dealing with anxiety together.

My Husband Won't Talk to Me Mar 14, 2019

Show notes

My husband won't talk to me, our listener states. We can relate to a gap in our own communication. In our relationship, before we made changes, we did not communicate all of our deepest feelings with one another. It was way too personal and vulnerable. It wasn't that we didn't want to talk to one another about the deeper stuff, we just didn't know how. So, If you haven't had practice at sharing your feelings before, where do you start? First, prepare to feel awkward and uncomfortable. Just like learning a new job, or a new activity, you are coming in as a beginner. Just like learning a new sport, be open and curious about the skills needed and commit to practicing.Jon and I started by both admitting to one another that we were deficient in sharing feelings. We also agreed to the fact we were both going to suck at first. So, we created a safe place where we were not going to make fun of each other as we tried like children to speak the language of emotion. If I did it wrong, I knew I wouldn't be ridiculed. I needed to be tolerant with myself not being good at it right away. ~ Jon We started with feeling words that were more generic, such as I feel happy or I feel frustrated. We started easy.."how did you feel about your non-stick pan?" Leaving behind our aggressive and passive attempts at communicating feelings to one another we grew from expressing feelings in childish ways (slamming doors, sighing), to that of adults where we used words. Wha? This was also a change from if you really loved me you would know what I am feeling by my lack of eye contact or behavior, to sharing emotions with I Statements. "I feel.. In order to share emotions, you need to honor them from a neutral place, refrain from judgment of them being bad or good. And it helps to use a list of feeling words to practice, letting go the usual cover up of "I feel good, or I'm fine." It may not be that your husband won't talk to you, it could be that he just doesn't know how and the emotional language is new to him, and perhaps new to you too. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Joshua Sortino) Subscribe & Review in iTunes Are you subscribed to our podcast? If not, we would love to have you! We are adding to our relationship episodes by the week and want to keep you connected to the community. Click here to subscribe in iTunes! If any of our ramblings have been helpful to your relationship, we would be grateful if you would let us know by leaving a review on iTunes. Such reviews are how others find our podcast, and how our community grows. We also enjoy reading them and learning more about how the podcast has been loving in your life. Just click here to review, select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review." Thank you, friend! "My Husband Won't Talk to Me" Relationship Podcast Gems: Jon's "special pan" is now trash after a deep frying incident.Jema practiced her feeling words with unsuspecting cashiers. Decide together on a time to check in and start practicing your feelings.Is your husband even aware that you want to know about his emotions? Express the desire to know him more deeply. It takes one person in the relationship to take the chance and be vulnerable.A List of Feeling Words

Share Your Gifts, Feel Happy Aug 15, 2018

Show notes

We went out on the town in Portland, Maine. I was going a little crazy with all of the unusual rain and clouds this summer. The RV gets pretty small when all five of us are inside with no sun in sight. The funny thing about this episode is that I totally changed the format of the podcast outline on Jon, and even during our pre-meeting, we were both on a different page entirely! He thought the story of meeting the two guitarists at the restaurant was just the pre-show banter, while I had thought we both understood it was the main lead into the episode! It was a communication disaster. The good news is, we rebounded and continued the show, something new for us during this process. I usually shut down and then we have to reboot another day. We rallied on and talked about how sharing your gifts can bring you joy as well as those you share it with. Sometimes we think we are unqualified to share our passions with others. In reality, when we share our gifts with each other it connects us all and gifts the world. You deserve to do what makes you happy! (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Eye for Ebony) Stream "Share Your Gifts, Feel Happy" Relationship Podcast Gems: Our "not good enoughs" can stand in the way of sharing our gifts. If you choose not to share your gifts, the world misses out. We have shifted our parenting to encourage the kids to seek out their passions. It isn't really about talent, it is about motivation. You can become good because of your determination. What motivates you and how do you integrate that into your life?

Comparing Your Relationship on Facebook Aug 08, 2018

Show notes

Are you comparing your relationship on Facebook to other couples on vacation or celebrating a romantic night out? Yah, I can relate. I might snuggle into bed after finishing my evening chores and spot a Facebook notification on my phone. Which then leads into my endless and mindless scrolling. It can also lead to something I am really good at, comparing. It really depends on how mindful and peaceful I am at that moment on the effect the scrolling can have on me. Perhaps, I had a difficult day and now I am comparing my personal challenges to someone's lifetime achievement. I could leave that experience with a poor me attitude and negative self-talk. The same is true if I was feeling disconnected in my relationship and compared that to a couple's smiling faces in Hawaii while they were having the time of their life! Look at all of the fun they were having and here I am again at home with a sore back and Netflix. Staying in reality, we can acknowledge that most of us post photos of our relationship during the good times. Thank goodness! Would you really want to see a photo of Jon and I arguing? Well, maybe that would help you feel better, so that's a bad example. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: William Iven) Dealing With Comparing Your Relationship on Facebook When you feel resentment acknowledge it as a helpful tool to show you the direction you desire to go deep in your heart. Take that desire and use it as inspiration to take action. Embrace your own story with its highlights and challenges, and know others have them too. Turn your energy inward instead of outward and use it to experience what brings you joy in life. If you must compare, compare yourself to yourself! Stream "Comparing Your Relationship on Facebook" Relationship Podcast Gems: A Helpful Guide to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others Technology is neutral, it depends what we use it for that dictates its impact. How can I make social media work for me? Follow loving, inspirational accounts. Learn something more about yourself when social media triggers an emotional reaction. Living in a crooked RV makes walking challenging. :)

Accepting Who We Are Jul 27, 2018

Show notes

Running in flip-flops in the rain is probably not the best idea. I fell down and then decided on accepting who I am. Jon talks about how he has learned to accept that he will always have ideas for songs to create, but may never really get around to creating that rock or Reggae hit. Some things are easier to accept about ourselves than others. It takes time to accept our deeper weaknesses and flaws as we become aware. I will remember my swollen knee the next time I decide to attempt flip-flop running! (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Dương Nhân) Stream "Accepting Who We Are" Relationship Podcast Gems: "The only ideas that are really going to happen are the burning desires of my heart." ~ Jon Read this article on cultivating self-acceptance, 12 Ways to Accept Yourself Learn more about Jema's story on episode 22 about sexual anorexia. Your Next Steps: If you love us like Ron Swanson does, leave us a rating and review on iTunes or your favorite player. :) Join our email list for new episodes and articles.

Safe Spaces for Loving Conversation Jul 08, 2018

Show notes

We cover three main ways to create safe spaces for loving conversation - decide your loving guidelines, choose a physical space and an emotionally safe space. Loving Guidelines Here is an example of the loving guidelines we have created. No yelling. No swearing. No blaming. No threatening divorce or abandonment. No leaving. No using what is shared to hurt the person in the future. Physical Space Considerations a space without distractions, TV or kids. set a time of day as a cut-off for having deep discussions. a private space or a public space. relaxed postures, not one person standing over another. what environment feels the most loving - couch, table, in bed, outside. Emotional Safe Space Considerations As the speaker: • Using I statements I feel ____ when this happens. • Avoid using “you” to place blame on the other person. • Keep the sharing about your thoughts and feelings. As the listener: • be in a state of no judgment. • open to let the other person talk without interruption. • open body language. • share your reactions in a loving way. You may feel sad to hear what is being shared. You can simply state, I feel sad ________. • You can own a behavior. • You can ask a question. • You can affirm their sharing. “I understand what you are saying. I hear you saying... Of course, you are feeling...” (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Hutomo Abrianto) Stream "Safe Spaces for Loving Conversation" Relationship Podcast Gems: Create a safe space that is unique to your relationship and feels the most loving. Creating a safe space is important for having meaningful conversations. Robins will build nests on your ladder if given the opportunity. Your Next Steps: Join our email list for new episodes and articles.

Three Questions Jun 30, 2018

Show notes

In this episode of our marriage podcast Something Like Marriage, we ask three questions to learn more about one another. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Andre Benz) Stream "Three Questions" Podcast Gems: Asking your partner/spouse three questions can create a deeper connection. Your Next Steps: Join our free private Facebook Community Join our email list for new episodes and articles.

Sexual Anorexia in Marriage Jun 14, 2018

Show notes

This was a challenging episode for me as I describe living a secret life of shame and sexual anorexia in marriage. I had experienced sexuality that was unwanted and confusing when I was young. I had feelings of arousal, fear, and shame like Jon described on I Feel Uncomfortable Talking About Sex that I dealt with through repression. It was a way I could bury my thoughts and desires in a place where it would remain unconscious. As I walked through life, it seemed that there was something wrong with me, something broken in me because I kept getting into situations with men that were unloving. I felt like I was marked. And with each experience, I would lock it away in my Secret Room which added more motivation to my sexual anorexia. Sexual anorexia refers to the compulsive avoidance of sexual nourishment and intimacy. A refusal of emotional and sensual input in order to keep the unexplored trauma hidden along with chaotic feelings and anxiety. I would deny myself intimacy, and only understood my way of coping after I went to therapy to save my marriage. Healing has found a way in as I opened the door to learn more about who I am and to look at those wounds of the past. There have been people to hear me and to love me along the way. I have found that unlocking the secret of my sexual anorexia has been profoundly freeing in my life and my marriage. I have been able to share the journey with my husband and I have been able to have conversations about sexuality with my children. (Theme music: Ethan Anderson, Photo credit: Maria Maliy) Stream "Sexual Anorexia in Marriage" Relationship Podcast Gems: Sexual anorectics starve themselves by "acting in," denying themselves intimacy in relationships, receiving loving touch, and genuine connection with others. Sexual anorexia is encouraged by rigidity, judgment, and shame. Sex and feelings of sexuality equated to pain for me. Sexual abuse is a spectrum and can not be tolerated as something that just happens because you are a woman. Abuse, in general, isn't so much about what happened, but how it affected the unique person. It is unhelpful to compare the pain we experience in life. As unique people, experiences affect us differently. When your marriage isn't working, it's important to find out why and more about yourself even if that relationship ends. Jon dealt with my resistance and picking a fight to cope by changing it to mean I was into him and loved him. If you are ready to heal, it can simply start by saying, “I'm ready.” Loving people and opportunities begin to appear. Resources: The Devastating Pain of Sexual Anorexics - a short article discussing sexual anorexia. Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred - a book to help understand the journey of sexual anorexia. Your Next Steps: Join our email list for new episodes and articles. Something Like Marriage may receive a portion of sales from products purchased from this article.

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