Is your Master Bedroom a Sexy Romantic Oasis?
Or Fifty Shades of No Way?
People dream about remodeling their kitchens, bathrooms and creating fantasy backyards. But, what about the one room in the house where you spend more time than anywhere else? The room that’s supposed to be your private sanctuary. The room where your most important intimate time is spent. You know, the room that’s probably overloaded with mismatched bedding, unfolded laundry, pictures of your family, stuffed animals, unfinished projects, stacks of books and a dresser covered in ATM receipts.
YUCK!
Here’s a sad but true fact: If your master bedroom has lost its mojo, there’s a good chance your relationship is next.
But do not despair, because I am obsessed with two things - Interior Design and Better Sex. For anyone looking to next level the naughty, I have put together this relationship-saving list of TEN STEPS TO THE SEXIEST BEDROOM EVER!
This isn’t Extreme Makeover: Perv Edition. This is a very simple and doable list of relatively easy changes you can make to your bedroom so instead of a Crappy Catch-All it’s your PRIVATE SEXY OASIS.
You can do this!!!!
I promise you don’t have to be a master of power tools or some high-end designer. Just about anyone can tackle this list. You can even do it with your boo and put in some sweat equity before sweating on top of each other later.
You deserve the sexy oasis of your dreams! These ten simple steps that will add some serious FUCK SHUI™ to your bedroom. Let’s get it on!
STEP ONE - PUT A LOCK ON YOUR DOOR
It’s your bedroom, the place where naked fun is supposed to be happening. Privacy is critical. Plus, both women and men can have difficulty reaching climax if they’re afraid they’ll be interrupted. You need to feel comfortable and safe in order to have an orgasm. Constantly checking the door is a major bummer. You need a lock!
If you’re concerned you’re not able to install a lock or worried about drilling into your wall, try this simple portable door lock. It’s also great for traveling and we all know how awesome hotel sex is! Get a damn lock!
STEP TWO - WATCH WHAT YOU WATCH ON TV
A lot of my esteemed colleagues might disagree with me but you don’t have to throw away your bedroom TV. Just be mindful not to watch any boner killers when it’s playtime. No news, financial shows or that gut wrenching, 4 minute ASPCA commercial. Cause that thing will murder any mojo within a 200 mile radius. I’m talking to you, Sarah McLachlan. There’s lots of video kindling you can enjoy together from tame to XXX. Here is Esquire’s list of 28 Sex Movies To Stream On Netflix Right Now.
STEP THREE - INSTALL A DIMMER SWITCH
Trust me when I tell you this, because I produced hundreds of hours of premium adult TV shows: THE BETTER THE LIGHTING THE BETTER THE SEX. Lower the lights to set the mood. The good news is most light fixtures will work with standard dimmer switches, including those with halogen and incandescent bulbs. If you have LED fixtures in your bedroom you may need a specialized dimmer. Just ask that helpful guy at your local big box hardware store. Bwahahahahaha, I’m joking of course. That guy is zero help and he’s not around anyway. Check online and always be safe when working with electricity. You might want to hire a professional electrician for this one. Trust me. Harsh lighting can kill any mood. Installing a dimmer switch is an investment in your love life!
STEP FOUR - GET SOME CANDLES
Candles make any room more romantic. Of course, always use the safest operation possible and if you’re concerned about open flames, you can get battery operated candles. Be mindful of using multiple scented candles because you don’t want your bedroom to smell like the backroom of Bed Bath and Beyond. Unless that turns you on. Hey, you do you. I really love these luxury scented soy jar candles from Lulu. They have tons of really beautiful scents to choose from. Consider anything with vanilla, cinnamon, lavender, jasmine and amber to set the mood for romance. If you want something that doesn’t have an open flame, check out this really popular set of remote controlled candles in various sizes. They create amazing ambiance in the room, you can turn them on and off with a remote, and no matches are required.
STEP FIVE - REMOVE THE FAMILY PHOTOS FROM YOUR BEDROOM
There are 36,000 photos of your kids, family and cats all over the damn house. Please remove them from your bedroom. The last thing you need to see when you’re getting railed from behind is a picture of your mother-in-law. I don’t care how hot she is! Your bedroom is for your own sexy time and connecting with your partner, it’s not a virtual scrapbook. Clear all of the family photos out of there, STAT. You can keep one or two of you perhaps from a romantic vacation or your honeymoon. Everything else has got to go!
STEP SIX - CLEAR OUT THE CRAP
I’m not saying you need to totally Marie Kondo your bedroom but…yeah, you kinda do. Clutter makes noise and it also adds to stress. It’s impossible to have a mind-blowing orgasm when your tax returns are 2 feet away on the nightstand. Clear that shit out! Laundry, kid crap, unfinished projects, stacks of books and magazines, that exercise bike underneath the clothes you’re donating to charity any day now…it all has to go! Be ruthless. This room is for sleep and sex. Your vision board will be just fine in the other room. This is your LOVE NEST, you need to get the crap, clutter and paperwork out of there. The “quieter” your room is, the more relaxed you’ll feel and the better sex you’ll have.
STEP SEVEN - INVEST IN BETTER BEDDING
You don’t have to spend a fortune but you need to make an investment in sexy bedding. All new sheets, pillow cases, throw pillows and a new duvet cover can wake up your bed. We’re talking rich colors and silky, sexy textures. That’s why hotel sex is so fun. It’s in a room free of clutter with really fine bedding. This cute little heart pillow looks sweet but it’s actually a wedge specially designed for sex by one of my favorite brands, Liberator. These 1800 Thread Count Luxury Egyptian Cotton Sheets come in 17 different colors and are surprisingly affordable. Do not spend a third of your life on low thread count sheets. You deserve Egyptian Cotton bitch!
STEP EIGHT - GET A NAUGHTY VAULT
I’m a big fan of sex toys, high end lube and whatever else adds to the fun in bed. But if there’s anyone else in your house, you can’t store naughty stuff in your nightstand. You also don’t want to hide everything in a box on the top closet shelf. You want everything locked away but within reach. You need a Naughty Vault. A lockbox that slides right under your bed and keeps your favorite play items within reach but out of prying hands. No one will know it’s there. I really like this Vaultz Underbed Locking Storage Chest. Available in numerous sizes and colors, a Naughty Vault will keep all your playthings nearby and very secure. Just remember to keep everything fully charged and cleaned so it’s ready when you are.
STEP NINE - COLOR IS IMPORTANT
Your bedroom is a love nest. Stark white walls are fine for an art gallery but when you’re setting the tone for romance, you always have to think about color. For a sexy bedroom, consider darker, richer colors. Olive. Deep violet. Charcoal. Warm greys. Lavender. It’s just paint. Go crazy. Everyone has their own opinions and reaction to color, it’s a very personal choice. Just envision your own personal retreat. Maybe paint an accent wall or go all in. There are tons of examples online. Play with color to create your ultimate love nest.
STEP TEN - SOUNDPROOFING
You definitely want a little extra privacy for when things get a little extra freaky. There are all sorts of things you can do to help quiet your bedroom. Think about installing natural cork tiles or hanging some heavy curtains behind your bed. The patron saint of serial remodelers, Bob Vila has some great suggestions for ways you can soundproof your bedroom. Do it in the name of design and no one will be the wiser.
Alright, this list might seem a little daunting but if you tackle little bits and pieces, before you know it the joint will be rockin.’ If you’d like to share some before and after pictures of your new love sanctuary, I’d love to see them and post some here. Email me at info@sexedthemusical.com
Hey, you never know, you just might be America’s Next Fuck Shui Star™.
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