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Genie: I’m Engaged to a Level One Sex Offender Feb 06, 2023

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Genie shares her unique story of falling in love with a level one sex offender.TRIGGER WARNING - This episode contains topics that may be triggering. Listener discretion is advised.In an inspiring and heart-felt discussion, she dives into the complexities of such a relationship, focusing on themes of communication, cycles of abuse, mental health, and remaining hopeful. Genie's story is a powerful reminder to keep an open mind and to be understanding of the struggles faced by those who have made mistakes and are on a journey of redemption. With the help of Brianne Davis, author of a book about her experiences, Genie encourages all listeners to look beyond the label of 'sex offender' and to find empathy for those in her situation. Tune in to gain insight into the struggles of remaining in a love relationship with a sex offender and the importance of paying attention to online dangers._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Genie: My fiance was set up in a sting and did not know it, but he was communicating with a said minor, but wasn't a minor.[0:00:15] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funny secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really?[0:01:13] Brianne Davis: The how, what, when, where, and live at all. Today. My guest is Genie. Now, Genie, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?[0:01:23] Genie: My secret is I am engaged to a level one sex offender.[0:01:27] Brianne Davis: Oh, okay. What is a level one sex offender?[0:01:31] Genie: Level one is usually not one that you would be able to look up on any regular data site, only because their offenses are so minimal. It could be, you know, public urination, it could be light and decent indecent exposure. And in my case, my fiance was set up in a sting and did not know it, but he was communicating with a said minor, but wasn't a minor.[0:01:57] Brianne Davis: Okay, take us back. First of all, how long have you been with him?[0:02:01] Genie: Well, we started dating in early 2021. That's when we met.[0:02:06] Brianne Davis: And how did you meet?[0:02:08] Genie: We met on an online dating site. The most popular one that's out there, tinder. But he had already been. And prior to that and what had got him to that point of communicating with that said person? He was already down a rabbit hole of addiction and being meeting people for just sex. And he was on Adult Friend finder a couple of other I call him sleazy dating sites. And he was down a dark path.[0:02:34] Brianne Davis: So he was addicted to the fantasy of the other person online?[0:02:41] Genie: Well, I think when the person is not naturally attracted to younger people, he was just the act of being sexually engaged with anyone who was easy and readily available. That was his target. If you were ready to go, do.[0:02:57] Brianne Davis: You think if it's even that, is it? What did he ever say to you? And I know we're jumping already into it, and I want to backtrack a little, but did he ever say to you because it was, like, a little wrong, he was communicating with her? Because as we get more in our addiction, it gets darker. And cedar and the things you thought you wouldn't do, you find yourself doing self doing. Yes.[0:03:23] Genie: I don't think he ever entertained that thought enough to think that he would go that direction. It was just all about real meet, have sex, be done, never talk to that person again, or if they called him back, maybe. And when I met him, his intent for me was to be a friends with Benefit. And I was like, well, okay, I see that's the route you want to go. I had been in the dating scene, too, and I didn't quite understand what the friends with benefit was completely defined as. I knew it, but I didn't know it. And when I asked him, so what is your definition of friends with Benefit? He goes, oh, two or three people. I go, don't you think that's a little unhealthy? It gets sloppy. It gets kind of you don't know. Communication can get lost, and you risk the chance of STDs and STIs. And I didn't know about this secret until three months after we started seeing each other and hanging out a lot. And because of my job, too, I worked then with the state, and he knew I was a mandated reporter.[0:04:26] Brianne Davis: Really? Wait, so he picked a mandated reporter and didn't tell you for three months?[0:04:32] Genie: Right. But after this, he had already been in the trial part of his case.[0:04:36] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:04:37] Genie: His incident happened three months prior to me.[0:04:40] Brianne Davis: Can you take us through what actually happened with him so people listening. I want them to hear what actually happened. So he was talking to some multiple.[0:04:49] Genie: People he was talking to, and one of them, somebody would grab on and kind of communicate a little bit more, and they started talking about meeting up, and she mentioned something. I've read the reports. I've read the psychosexual evaluation. I've read the police reports. I've even seen a cell phone while other details on it. The said young lady said that she was scared to do it at first because she hadn't actually had sex with somebody of his stature statue and was hesitant about it. And he goes, oh, well, we can take it slow, and we can do it oral. And I said, So you did want to do this? He goes, yeah, but I kind of entertained it to the fact that I knew it was going and meeting her in a public place and meeting her to say, are you sure you really want everyone your life like this? That's what he discussed with me afterwards. And I said, So you wouldn't have met her in a private place knowing that how old she said was? And he goes, no, I don't think I could have actually went through with the act.[0:05:39] Brianne Davis: And how old did she say she was?[0:05:41] Genie: 1515.[0:05:43] Brianne Davis: And how old is he?[0:05:44] Genie: He was in his early 40s.[0:05:47] Brianne Davis: Okay, so did he end up meeting her, or he went to the place.[0:05:52] Genie: And then went to the public place. And as soon as he pulled up, they knew exactly what car he was, who would he look like. They immediately arrested him, didn't tell him what it was about. They took him from one place, and they grilled him, saying, how would you like this if this was your daughter? Blah, blah, blah. And he knew what was up. He knew what had happened. At that point, he did spend two nights in jail, and when he went, yes, he does. He has two, and they're adults.[0:06:19] Brianne Davis: Boys or girls?[0:06:20] Genie: One boy, one girl.[0:06:21] Brianne Davis: I got you.[0:06:22] Genie: Okay. And I have three myself, so I have two girls and a boy.[0:06:26] Brianne Davis: Okay. How old are your kids?[0:06:28] Genie: Well, one's 24, 21, and 19.[0:06:32] Brianne Davis: Got it.[0:06:33] Genie: Well, one was not an adult when I had met him, but after he had told me, I was very careful of watching him and seeing how his responses were and how he was with my kids. Because if I would have gotten any kind of feeling that there was something off, I would have immediately said, yeah, we can't do this. He disclosed it to a couple of people. After he was done, he went through treatment and did the legal treatment that was required. In addition to helping himself, he also had the opportunity of having a counselor free of charge to him. This isn't for everybody. It's only because of his service background. He has access to having extra counseling. So that benefited him, I think, in the most in his healing process and understanding and getting through those ropes of learning. What he did was wrong with the communication of an inappropriate context with a minor. It was a heavy load. When he hit me with this.[0:07:25] Brianne Davis: I want to talk about that, actually. And then I have more questions about his healing, because I actually want to hear a little more about it. But how was that let's call it D Day when he told you, how did that go? Where were you? How did you feel?[0:07:37] Genie: We went on a day trip that day. We were doing some cool photography of some vintage cars, and then we stopped at a restaurant, play pool, came back, and then I always drove. It just was a thing I did. And he said, I have something I really need to tell you. It's kind of my own secret. And I was like, okay. And he told me. He disclosed me because I got in trouble with the sting, and this is what happened. And I said, wow, that's a big thing that happened, and I'm really glad you told me. And I handled it very calmly. I didn't freak out on him. And of course, it took me probably about I still communicated with him, and I asked him what his intent was. As we got farther, he opened up more and more and more with me. I did go to counseling myself at that time, and I wanted to understand to me, I think I wanted to know, how can I help this person, even if it's not for me. Maybe it's the next woman that he ends up dating, that he gets the treatment, he gets he gets all the things.[0:08:36] Genie: His kids appreciate the fact that Dad's done the things for himself, because I think that's the meaningful part. And I told him, I said, don't make this about me ever. I want this to be about what you want to do. I want it to be for your family, for your job, so you don't ever lose it, for your community involvement. Me last, and it took a while. I mean, I had a long discussion, a lot of journaling. I wrote down a lot of stuff. Oh, man, I burned that book. Actually, I called it the Burn Book. Afterwards, I wrote down all the stuff, and then I burned it. But, yes, it was it was pretty impactful, and I did end up disclosing it to my supervisor at work because I knew that I was in that position where if it were ever to be brought up legally and if it were found, I didn't want it to be contingent on me or my job.[0:09:22] Brianne Davis: And what did they say?[0:09:24] Genie: She understood it, and because my job the way it was at that point, she was very understanding and keeping it as confidential as possible. And I told her, I promise that he's not going to be in any settings around here, no family events until we know when the legal trial is done. And that's when he was when the legal trial was done. That's when he was labeled as one, and he was on restriction. He had to get travel things to go see me because we were in different counties.[0:09:53] Brianne Davis: Okay?[0:09:53] Genie: So he had to get a travel voucher from his probation officer, and he would come down once a week, and I would come up to his place every other week or so like that, and that's how we would see each other. We would go back and forth. Also, when he went to this legal thing, he had asked the judge, asked his attorney that he had hired to say, well, my girlfriend that I'm seeing does have one son that's 17 and a half. Can I put his name on the, you know, being supervised by her? And he they asked the judge that, and he granted it. Okay, so but ever since then, we I after 2021, and then we we dated for probably about a good six or seven months, and then I ended up moving into his place with his kids because then my kids all got their own places and my youngest went to their dads. And none of this was to my understanding in relation to my relationship, except for the fact that Mom's moving on.[0:10:43] Brianne Davis: Does any of your kids know about it or is this, like, a secret a lot of people don't know?[0:10:48] Genie: No. I had actually to talk to them a little bit about it. And then I talked to my fiance about it, and I said, this is mostly your story to tell, so if you ever want to sit down and openly talk to them about it and I asked them, I go, do you guys ever want to hear it? And they're like, no, we know what we know, and that's all we need to know. And you know what? They all have a wonder, since it's been about two and a half, almost two years, that we all have a great relationship, and it's worked out. They see him for who he is genuinely as a person now because he's overcome a lot of hurdles. And the reason why he went down that dark path and and became an addicted person because at a young age, he was pushed into being an instant father and married very quickly to a very older woman who already had kids.[0:11:31] Brianne Davis: So he was he was sexualized very young then.[0:11:35] Genie: Yes.[0:11:36] Brianne Davis: If he was with an older woman, whether he was of age or not, that can be a permanent damage to you.[0:11:42] Genie: Right. And then, of course, that marriage being as long as it was, there was a lot of online 18 years.[0:11:49] Brianne Davis: Wow.[0:11:49] Genie: Yeah, there was a lot of what he told me he felt like a doormat in a paycheck, probably about the same time he told me about this legal problem. He felt like a doormat and a paycheck and his wife and his wife's life.[0:12:00] Brianne Davis: Do you think then he started acting out online to escape that relationship?[0:12:05] Genie: Oh, he had numerous affairs while he was married.[0:12:08] Brianne Davis: Right.[0:12:08] Genie: He was trying to get away from that whole he wanted that connection with somebody who saw something in him, and the only thing he saw that he was useful for was for sex.[0:12:16] Brianne Davis: Right. Yeah. I mean, listen, I am a sex addict. I'm a sex and love addict, and I totally get when we use our sexuality or try to connect with other people through that, but it's like he went to the extreme because he was so disconnected from himself and his sexuality was taken…

Full show notes at the publisher

John: I Collect Fake Celebrity Nudes — Over 15,000 of Them Jan 30, 2023

Show notes

John shares his journey with grief and how celebrity photoshop nude fakes have given him solace. He'll discuss how he's been able to cope with writer's block since his mother's death, and how he's hoping to take his hobby to the next level. Tune in for an intimate look into his healing process, and come out with a newfound perspective on grief.Host Brianne Davis provides helpful advice, poignant stories, and plenty of laughter. Join John on this emotional, heartfelt journey to find healing and hope on Secret Life._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] John: My favorite actress, for example, she'll never, like, do like, nude scenes or anything like that, so I kind of look at the fakes. This is kind of fantasy. [0:00:19] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast.[0:00:22] Brianne Davis: Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.[0:00:30] Brianne Davis: Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.[0:01:01] Brianne Davis: Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm Brianne. Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really the how, what, one way, or live at all. Today. My guest is John. Now, John, I have a question for you. What is your secret?[0:01:27] John: So my secret is I collect celebrity photoshop, nude, fakes.[0:01:32] Brianne Davis: How long have you been doing that?[0:01:34] John: Since 2000.[0:01:36] Brianne Davis: 2000, okay, so dive in. What made you start doing that? Did you create them yourself? Like, take me back when that all started. Was something going on?[0:01:48] John: No, I didn't create any at that time. Basically what had happened is I was watching a new TV show that had just come out, I think, andromeda andromeda yeah, it's like a side fiction TV show.[0:02:03] John: Yeah.[0:02:04] John: I liked one of the actresses and so I pretty much went to Google, looked for her nude, and stumbled across the fake. And that was the first fake I ever found of her.[0:02:16] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:02:17] Brianne Davis: Did you buy it or do you.[0:02:18] Brianne Davis: Just take it from is it free? How does that work?[0:02:22] John: Free? I just found it on Google image search.[0:02:26] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:02:27] John: And pretty much like, just copied the image to my computer at the time was really old.[0:02:36] Brianne Davis: What do you think it is about the fake? Because there are a lot of celebrity nudes that are real, but you only like the fake ones.[0:02:44] John: No, it's more back then, she had never done that. Okay, so it's more of a fantasy thing.[0:02:57] Brianne Davis: Yes. So you've been doing that for almost 23 years.[0:03:02] John: Yeah, it's slowed down quite a bit. I don't collect as much anymore. Basically, if I see one I like, I just download it and stick it with the rest of them.[0:03:15] Brianne Davis: So how many do you think you have that's embarrassing? Well, that's why we are here. This is a show where we get to say all those embarrassing things. I have been there. I have said very many embarrassing things.[0:03:29] John: So I have about last count, over 15,000.[0:03:34] Brianne Davis: 15,000?[0:03:36] John: Yeah. Over.[0:03:37] John: Wow.[0:03:38] Brianne Davis: Over. Oh, my God. What do you do with them? They just sit there. Do you go through them? Do you, like, celebrate that? Like, what do you do with them?[0:03:47] John: Sometimes I just look at them and admire the work that went into them. Because some of them you can really tell because some people who make them just do a crappy don't put an effort into it.[0:04:04] John: Yeah.[0:04:05] Brianne Davis: So you almost see them as artwork.[0:04:07] John: Yeah.[0:04:08] Brianne Davis: And then do you find someone you like or you don't know, and then you go watch all their movies or their TV shows?[0:04:14] John: Sometimes. And there are some that I found and liked and then later just hated them. Because see, I think I have an OCD thing, and I see one minor detail that's off, and it bugs me.[0:04:36] Brianne Davis: That's all you focus on.[0:04:37] John: Yeah.[0:04:38] Brianne Davis: Got it. So if it's a bad art, if it's bad, do you keep that or do you throw that away or you still keep it?[0:04:46] John: I keep it. I guess there's some that are just not great that I keep. I think keeping them is nostalgia's sake.[0:04:54] John: Got it.[0:04:55] Brianne Davis: So it's almost like somebody collecting baseball cards or something. It sounds like there's this compulsion to it a bit.[0:05:04] John: Yeah. In the last couple of years, I've kind of started semi getting out of it.[0:05:11] Brianne Davis: Okay. What does that mean?[0:05:15] John: I used to look for new ones pretty much every day. Nowadays I look maybe every couple of weeks.[0:05:26] Brianne Davis: Oh. So what's been going on where you've decreased the searching for them in your life?[0:05:33] John: Maybe as I get older, I just don't enjoy them as much.[0:05:36] Brianne Davis: Does anybody in your life know about them?[0:05:40] John: Three people.[0:05:41] Brianne Davis: Three people? Who are those three people?[0:05:43] John: Two were by choice, and one was not by choice.[0:05:46] Brianne Davis: Oh, so you got caught?[0:05:48] John: Yeah. So basically the one who caught me was one of my female cousins.[0:05:55] Brianne Davis: Oh, no. So you went on your computer and and saw them?[0:05:58] John: I had collected some early this was back in high school, and I had collected some mended day at school. And I brought them home, loaded them on the computer, and forgot to close the images out. She came up to visit, came up to my room and walked in, and I turned around to something else, and all I heard was, what's this?[0:06:24] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. Did your stomach drop?[0:06:27] John: That's one way of putting it in.[0:06:30] Brianne Davis: Okay. What happened?[0:06:31] John: We're like sheer panic.[0:06:33] John: Yeah.[0:06:34] John: And it's like, adjoked by folks.[0:06:37] Brianne Davis: How old were you at the time?[0:06:39] John: Between 16 and 18. And she never did she pretty much.[0:06:46] Brianne Davis: Just kept that secret?[0:06:48] John: Yeah. She pretty much said, this is normal. Looking at this kind of stuff is normal, and sat down and just looked through them. And she, like, recognized some of the celebrities. The other two were by choice. This is what I've been doing.[0:07:08] Brianne Davis: Who were they?[0:07:09] John: Just good friends.[0:07:10] Brianne Davis: Okay. And what they say?[0:07:12] John: Pretty much same thing. Like that kind of stuff is normal.[0:07:15] John: Yeah.[0:07:15] Brianne Davis: Looking at porno images and all that is completely normal. But the difference between yours is that they're fake and you know they're fake. So what about it? Do you like that aspect of it that I'm curious about, that you know they're not real, but you still like them.[0:07:31] John: Well, I guess the closest fantasy, because some celebrities will never do, like, nude scenes or pose nude for magazines. Like, my favorite actress, for example. One of my favorite actresses is named Danielle Panabaker. She'll never do, like, nude scenes or anything like that, so I kind of look at the fakes. This is kind of fantasy.[0:08:02] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it's complete fantasy. And do you think with looking at those, that it keeps you distant from having a relationship in real life or no.[0:08:14] John: You mean like a girlfriend or yeah, not really. I kind of don't have much interest in a girlfriend at this point.[0:08:25] Brianne Davis: Oh, really? Have you ever had a girlfriend?[0:08:27] John: No, I've just never had the interest.[0:08:31] Brianne Davis: Okay, here's my question for you. When did you start looking at pornographic images? At what age do you think?[0:08:39] John: REM high school days.[0:08:41] Brianne Davis: High school?[0:08:44] John: I think the first one was Playboy.[0:08:46] Brianne Davis: So when we look at those images a lot and I've done a lot of work around this, it desensitizes our own sexuality, because then the fantasy is more it becomes everything instead of the reality. The reality of a person being with another person or a woman doesn't match the fantasy. Do you think that's true?[0:09:10] John: I guess it depends. Now, with fakes, usually people get aroused by this stuff. I don't.[0:09:21] Brianne Davis: You don't? No, not at all.[0:09:24] John: Well, I mean, back when I first started collecting, maybe. No.[0:09:29] Brianne Davis: So interesting. Not at all. So when you look at it and it's just like, oh, that's a great fake, they did a good job with taking her face and putting it on. That's what you look at mostly than the nude.[0:09:43] John: Yeah, pretty much. Like, a few years ago, I used to use fakes as wallpapers on, like, my tablet.[0:09:50] Brianne Davis: Yeah.[0:09:51] John: But now I don't do that much anymore.[0:09:54] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:09:55] John: Mostly because I go out in public a lot now.[0:09:58] Brianne Davis: So you're getting out of the house?[0:10:00] John: Yeah.[0:10:01] Brianne Davis: That's probably why you've been doing less, do you believe? Because you said it's been, like, less used to do it every day and now you're doing it weekly.[0:10:10] John: Yeah, it's actually possible. I have a few friends I hang out with, and so that kind of helps.[0:10:18] Brianne Davis: It does help. It does help. I believe when we are stuck with these images, especially when they are fantasy, when we deny ourselves that authentic connection with other human beings, we miss out. And the moment you open yourself up to that and you're getting out of the computer screen with these images and with actual friends, that's what is a real connection.[0:10:41] John: And I think I started heavily collecting quite a few years ago because of grief?[0:10:48] John: Yeah.[0:10:49] Brianne Davis: What were you going through?[0:10:50] John: My mom died from cancer about 1011 years ago, and that's about when I started heavily collecting.[0:10:59] John: Yeah.[0:10:59] Brianne Davis: That's where you found comfort, right?[0:11:01] John: Yeah.[0:11:02] Brianne Davis: Not feeling alone. A huge loss.[0:11:05] John: Yeah. And I read this article online about how one guy got into fakes and it completely destroyed his life.[0:11:15] John: Yeah.[0:11:16] Brianne Davis: What did he say in the article? Why it destroyed his life.[0:11:19] John: He decided to start looking at fakes at his place of employment. I can safely say I've never done.[0:11:31] Brianne Davis: You haven't done that?[0:11:32] John: No. But the article also did the flip side where it actually saved somebody's life because I guess, like me, they lost their mother.[0:11:42] John: Yeah.[0:11:43] John: And they were thinking about ending stuff, so I guess that saved them.[0:11:49] Brianne Davis: Well, it did, because we reach for those outside things that we feel connected to, and it doesn't feel safe with another human being, especially if you lost somebody so important to you so they can give you that outlet of connection.[0:12:02] John: Yeah, I can agree with that.[0:12:04] Brianne Davis: Have you been doing work on the loss and the trauma of it with your mom?[0:12:09] John: Yeah, I had a therapist for a while. I think I'm kind of there now. Not easy. Never really all that easy.[0:12:19] Brianne Davis: No, grief is never easy. We run from grief. But are you finally feeling like you've felt it and moving through it?[0:12:27] John: Yeah, I think so. I've also got friends I talked to about it, too.[0:12:32] Brianne Davis: Oh, good.[0:12:34] John: One of my friends went through the same thing, actually.[0:12:38] Brianne Davis: Well, that always helps when I'm going through a hard time to find a group of people that have been through similar situations and they have them online. All over online as well. Grief and loss groups.[0:12:50] John: Yeah. I found this app, actually, called Seven Cups. Kind of like a sort of therapy app where you can go and talk to people.[0:12:59] John: Yeah.[0:13:00] John: And it's kind of helped me a bit.[0:13:02] Brianne Davis: Good.[0:13:03] John: Now, I have to admit, back when this all happened, I did used to make them.[0:13:09] Brianne Davis: You did used to make them for a short period. And what did that feel like when you were actually making the fake nude photos of celebrities?[0:13:18] John: That's hard to describe. Proud that I made one that looked decent, actually, because I still have one I made that is still my favorite.[0:13:29] Brianne Davis: What is it? Who is it?[0:13:31] John: Her name is Cody Depblo from the TV show NCIS. And it was like a lingerie style fake, not even nude. And that's still my favorite one I've made.[0:13:44] Brianne Davis: I know her. She's very nice. But here's the thing. I did want to ask you this, and I know probably our listeners are wondering, do you ever think of the actual person you're doing the nude of? Like, when you're cutting out their face or you're seeing their face and you know that's not them? Do you ever actually think of that.[0:14:06] John: Person in what way?[0:14:08] Brianne Davis: I don't know. If they choose not to be nude and then someone puts their face on a new body, have you ever thought about how that could make them feel?[0:14:16] John: Yeah, that's kind of why I stopped.[0:14:19] Brianne Davis: Oh, tell me about it. So you had that thought. What was the feelings that came up?[0:14:23] John: Pretty much just yeah, maybe they don't want this. Yeah, let's not do this.[0:14:28] John: Yeah.[0:14:29] Bria…

Full show notes at the publisher

Ruby: I’m a Sex & Love Addict and I Struggle with Sexual Anorexia & Intimacy Jan 23, 2023

Show notes

Ruby shares her story of struggle and hope as she overcomes anorexia, sex and love addiction, and fear of intimacy. Listen as she shares her journey through twelve step programs, therapy and support from family and friends. Gain insight into her challenges and victories as she opens up to discuss her experiences and share her wisdom. Ruby’s story will inspire you to face your own challenges and find the courage to heal._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Ruby: The part of me that will keep saying no because I'm so afraid of letting someone in. And the big umbrella of the whole thing is I'm so terrified to let anyone know me.[0:00:17] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm brienne. Davis. Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves and others. You know, those deep, dark secrets we probably want to go to our grave with, or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain and embarrassing.[0:01:18] Brianne Davis: Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all. My guest today is Ruby. Ruby, my question for you is "what is your secret?"[0:01:30] Ruby: All right, so my secret is that I am a sex and love addict. And there are other components to that as well, which is like, there's the anorexia of sex and love addiction.[0:01:42] Brianne Davis: Well, let's talk about that. Everybody knows I'm in the program. How long have you been around?[0:01:50] Ruby: I think my whole life. I've been around in other twelve step programs for my whole life. The People Pleasing program. The Allen on program. I've been in that one. But what I realized was that I had a lot of my own little things that I kept hidden by all the ways that I tried to manage and control everybody outside of myself. I would say that I started in the Alanon program, which is really trying to manage and control. And then I started to recognize that I never wanted anybody to see my flaws. That was part of my thing. So a lot of my stuff was just this strange behavior that manifested like sex and love addiction. It sort of came out in a way that to get things as a way to avoid things as a way to avoid intimacy, because we all know the definition of intimacy is intimately, you see, but I love that term, but I used it. I just always had an ulterior motive with sex and love addiction until I learned that love and sex is supposed to be a byproduct of commitment and sharing and connection and cooperation and all these beautiful things. They talk about it. I never had any experience with it in that realm. I always just thought it was to be used as a tool and never as something that actually was something that was beautiful for engaging in a partnership with someone.[0:03:08] Ruby: My whole life on that.[0:03:10] Brianne Davis: Yeah, as we've discussed it before. I know for me, I would put on these masks to become someone else. I never wanted to show the real me.[0:03:22] Ruby: Yeah. Which is really exhausting and very painful. And then I think as you get older, we get tired of wearing a mask all the time. You need to breathe, whereas when you're not being who you are, you are imploding on yourself. You're keeping everything kept inside. So I think recognizing that I had that thing, which was like why I always felt so weird about intimacy and relationships kept me so disconnected from my partners. So I was able to have a partnership with friends, like girlfriends. I could have great relationships with girlfriends. I felt super connected. I was able to be super intimate with my girlfriends in the way that we communicated and whatnot. But when it came to a partner where there was actual physical intimacy and the friendship, I didn't know how to combine the two. I could have intimacy, but I didn't know how to be friends with those people. I just knew that I had to put on my little sex kitten characteristic and be this little thing to make them think about me the way I wanted myself to be looked at as, which kept me far away from being able to be who I was and also from being able to speak out for what I needed. So it was a long, long lot of years worth of not being who I was in my intimacy life and it was very painful looking back at it.[0:04:38] Brianne Davis: So let's say you've been around and you've looked at it and you've done the work. But now I really want to discuss the anorexia side of it because I haven't actually discussed that yet. So I'm interested if you want to explain that to the listeners.[0:04:54] Ruby: Yeah. So anorexia in the realm of sex and love addiction is the same as like food addiction where eating disorders in the realm. Plus I have that too. When I was younger, I did a lot of messing around with anorexia as far as in the food realm, what it is, it's a fear of overeating. So you tend to undereat and the smaller you can become, the safer you feel. So it's kind of like that. With sexuality, the way that it manifested was I would go really quickly into a relationship with someone. Like, I would meet someone and I would probably be sleeping with them that.[0:05:29] Brianne Davis: Day and then moving in and then like, no, I didn't really do that.[0:05:34] Ruby: A lot of my time I didn't.[0:05:35] Brianne Davis: Either, but I know a lot of people.[0:05:37] Ruby: I know a lot of people that do that. I was too smart for that because I knew that just down the line. Also, that was too scary because the anorexic part of me would be like, that would make me crazy if I had to be around that person for too long because I feel like I need to get away. I couldn't tolerate that kind of intimacy. So anorexia in the realm of sex and love addiction is sort of getting like I would just have a casual sex encounter with someone because it was a lot safer than letting somebody see me or letting myself see someone else. And it had only to do with the body and the physical sensation, but nothing to do with connection. Right? Yeah. And then all of a sudden, I didn't have to get turned off by that person, by what thing they might do or say that would turn me off. So it was a way to stay very disconnected, very unintimate. But you're having intimacy, which is such a really strange dual thing. You're being intimate, but you don't know the person at all, and you're allowing yourself to be physically intimate. But getting to know someone was far too scary, so quick. Intimacies with strangers was a lot more comfortable for me. And anorexia kicks in in that I would go long periods of time without being with someone, so terrified to actually allow myself to be intimate with someone.[0:06:53] Ruby: And then I would get to where having a quick intimacy to someone was starting to hurt me too much. It started to feel too painful. So I would then just be like, I'm not going to be with anyone until I feel really comfortable with someone. But the anorexia part of me would not let myself get to know someone well enough to feel comfortable. So then I would go through these periods of time where I was feeling very anorexic.[0:07:15] Brianne Davis: So it's withholding it's withholding yourself and your sexuality. It's withholding I definitely know what that feels like for me. It's easier too, to be intimate with someone I don't know than intimate with someone I love. The two didn't go together. So how long were the periods of you being anorexic sexually?[0:07:38] Ruby: I mean, there were some times where I would go two years without having being sexual with someone. Maybe I'd have a make out session here or there, but there would be sometimes two years. I think the longest is maybe. I think three years is complete, no abstinence from sex, but like I said, a few little makeups and those few little make outs, or there would be like three years of complete and total abstinence from sex, thinking that I was doing something really good for myself. Yeah, myself for the right thing. And then I'd meet someone, and then that night I'd sleep with them. I'd be like, what just happened? How did I go from not being with anyone for three years thinking that I was going to do the right thing for myself and save myself until I felt connected to someone? And then I meet someone and my brain goes into just like an alcoholic who's been sober, thinking like, I'm not going to drink that drink. I don't need to drink that first thing. Then you're like, I could just have a sip. It'll be okay. Yeah. And I'm not an alcoholic, but that's from what I've read. That's so funny to me, but that's how it works in the realm of sexual addiction and sexual anorexia is I can go being very strong about it, and I'm not going to have an encounter with someone that's not connected.[0:08:52] Ruby: And then I just meet someone and then they look at me a certain way, and then I think, just hang out with that person. I haven't been with anybody in a while. And then all of a sudden, they'll be trying to be sexual with me. And I'll be like, no, I'm not going to go there. And then they get aggressive enough. And to me, that's like a go. Like, if somebody's going to be aggressive enough and that's the part of me that I really check into, was the part of me that needed that person to be that aggressive to where then I would just roll over and be like, okay. And that scared me that once somebody got aggressive and over me, then I would just be like, okay.[0:09:27] Brianne Davis: Do you know what that ties from? Did you tie it back to anything?[0:09:31] Ruby: I mean, I've done so much writing on it. I think ever since the beginning of my intimacy life, I always heard in my voice the voice in my head was my mother being like, don't let men touch you. They'll hurt you. They'll try to take advantage of you. They'll hurt you. All this negative, negative, negative, negative. So I have this total like, no. And then what happens? I say no, but then if somebody come along and be that aggressive, I would think, wow, they really must like me. They really want to be with me.[0:10:04] Brianne Davis: That makes sense.[0:10:05] Ruby: Yeah. So then my head will think, well, I guess maybe this is meant to be since they really want to be with me, but not like, thinking in terms of like they just want to get laid. They're going to be a little bit some people are a little shy and.[0:10:16] Brianne Davis: They are like, they need me. I need to give them this because they need it so bad. They want me so much.[0:10:24] Ruby: Yeah. And that makes me feel important. Like, they must really want me. I must be really valuable that they're really going to try to push me. Not thinking like, my no should be my no is enough, but also the anorexic part of the no part of my voice will keep going for three years because I keep saying, no, no, no, the anorexic part of me until someone is aggressive enough. And then I'm like, okay, well, they really want me, so I should say yeah, because maybe I haven't been with anybody a long time. Maybe I just need to let go and just relax about this. This is quick switches of my brain out.[0:11:03] Brianne Davis: Here's my question for you and for other people that don't understand this. Do you find that the anorexia side of this disease very hard? I almost find it more difficult to overcome than the acting out part.[0:11:18] Ruby: Do you agree? Yes. Because you can get caught in that cycle of I'm not going to let the part of me that will keep saying no because I'm so afraid of letting someone in. And the big umbrella of the whole thing is I'm so terrified to let anyone know me and really see me. So that part of me is stronger, is really strong, so I can go long periods of time. And like I said, there are these moments of, like, amnesia where I forget and I'll just sleep with somebody after two years of no one. Right? At that one moment, I'll just be like, he's really cute. He's really sweet. I'll just whatever, let's just have fun. Because there's that part of me that just thinks, let's just live a little. Let it go. But that's the extreme other side. There has to be like a middle ground is what I'm finding is like, that's not okay and not and not they say the anorexia of Sly is not doing something and not doing something and not doing something just like you can. Like I'm noticing in my writing and all my growing right now, my issues have been coming up for me is like change.[0:12:25] Ruby: Change is really hard for me.[0:12:27] Brianne Davis: It's hard for a lot of people. Just so you know, change is very difficult for people.[0:12:32] Ruby: It's really hard. But I find it easier when I have people around me that support me. But I've kind of been solo for a little while, and so I really find that change thing has really been triggering for me of, like, I'm trying to make some decisions about to move or to not move or to rent my house or not rent a house or to stay or to not. Or I get to invite someone to rent part of the house. I've had ongoing things like that and my fear of making a mistake. Maybe it's the mother in my voice, the mother had saying, you're going to make a mistake and you're going to screw yourself over and you're going to get hurt. They're going to hurt you, they're going to take you. It kind of bled through now. That's an old story, and I've slowly been trying to move that story out from the forefront of my path because it's blocking me from taking risks and jumping in and jumping in the current. Like, I read something beautiful about how awesome is that when you can jump in the current and not grab the sides, not be gripping the sides of the little…

Full show notes at the publisher

Vince: I Have Done Amateur P*rn Jan 16, 2023

Show notes

Vince says it's been a fantasy for most guys to be in a p*rn. Is that true? Maybe because when you watch, you fantasize you're the person in the video? So what happens when the fantasy becomes real? Is it everything you expected? What if you got stage freight? _____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Check out the Mindful in Minutes Podcast hosted by Kelly Smith and check out her site for more info: https://www.yogaforyouonline.com_____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Vince: You get there and camera man setting up his stuff. Then the actress got there and I talked to her and he was still setting up his stuff. And then I got time to, like, shoot the thing and it was just I mean, it was I couldn't really get it going. No.[0:00:22] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others.[0:01:12] Brianne Davis: You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave, or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing, really. You know, how, what, when, where, live it all today. My guess is Vince. Now, Vince, I have a question for you. What is your secret?[0:01:30] Vince: My secret is I've acted in amateur porn films.[0:01:33] Brianne Davis: Oh, yay. Okay, let's talk about it. When did you do that?[0:01:40] Vince: The first thing I did was.[0:01:44] Brianne Davis: Five years ago.[0:01:46] Vince: Yeah. And then it was for a period of it wasn't anything like glamorous. It was just sort of very amateur stuff. But for a period, for about two and a half years, it wasn't very many. It was probably eight.[0:02:04] Brianne Davis: Does anybody in your family or friends know?[0:02:08] Vince: No.[0:02:10] Brianne Davis: I'm getting so excited right now. I love a good secret. Secret.[0:02:14] Vince: Yeah. People who know me and know my personality, that would be the last thing, the last thing ever they would ever think.[0:02:26] Brianne Davis: Okay, let's go back five years ago. What was going on in your life before that? Can you say your occupation?[0:02:34] Vince: Yeah, I can say it. I'm a musician and I also do a little teaching, too. So you asked what was going on before that?[0:02:44] Brianne Davis: Yeah. What's going on before?[0:02:47] Vince: I can tell you. I was just kind of living my normal life. But what happened was I think that sort of was the impetus for it, was I had lost some weight and got into better shape. And it was always something I mean, I had, like, these ambitions. It was always something that I had sort of found. I guess most guys would sort of fantasize about that when they're watching porn. Can I do that? Yeah. Could I ever do that?[0:03:18] Brianne Davis: Is that a fantasy for guys? I didn't know that.[0:03:20] Vince: Maybe not an official fantasy, but it must be something that most guys think, like, wow, could I do that? I wonder if I could do that. I wonder how I'd be, that kind of thing. So I had always thought that and I had a friend, a close friend, and we always kind of joked about, yeah, we should make some amateur porn and produce it or something. It was just one of those things you say when you have a few drinks. It was something that you never because I feel like it's sort of a line you cross and once you do that, in some ways it's out there forever and then it's kind of like there's no coming back from it. Not that it's going to cause a disaster. Yeah, exactly.[0:03:59] Brianne Davis: But I have a question. Did you used to always watch a lot of porn? When did you first see porn? When you were younger, do you remember?[0:04:09] Vince: In fact, I'm a little older. I mean, this was the 90s before the internet, really. So I think I was in high school, someone had a video or something like that. But when I really started watching it, I guess with the rise of the tube sites like pornhub and I guess 2008, 2009 when the free content started coming online, then I became more of a watcher.[0:04:39] Brianne Davis: I just remember I saw it so young, the skin of Ax, you know, and it would come in fuzzy on the TV and you'd kind of be able to see it.[0:04:48] Vince: Yeah, sure.[0:04:51] Brianne Davis: We didn't have money, obviously. My parents didn't have money to pay for it. So we'd be like, oh, you can kind of see what's going on.[0:04:58] Vince: Yeah, yeah, that's 2008. 2009. I remember when I first heard about pornhub, I couldn't believe it. I mean, there was free before that. There were some sites that would have I think in 2007 or 2008 there were sites that would have little clips, just little clips for movies. Pornhub was kind of revolutionary in a lot of ways. It was bad. I don't know how anyone in that industry really makes money whenever they actually don't anymore.[0:05:31] Brianne Davis: Unless they produce it themselves, they don't really make money.[0:05:34] Vince: Exactly. So yeah, that's when I started really watching it. I had a desktop computer before that, but then I got a laptop and I had an iPad too. Although I never got this into the iPad. It's like it's sort of like cocaine or something.[0:05:51] Brianne Davis: It's a complete addiction. No, I actually deal with a lot of mostly men, but still a lot of women, they are addicted to porn. It's that fantasy. The fantasy becomes the reality more than the reality.[0:06:05] Vince: Yeah, exactly. So 2009 issue so I started watching more and then I think there was this process of desensitization too, because it just becomes normal. And that's I think when I really started thinking more about first it was just watching it and then I started thinking about like, wow, it's just more of a fantasy. Can I do this? Can I be in a room full of people? And really it just takes a certain breed, I thought.[0:06:42] Brianne Davis: I would say it probably does have a little bit of that exhibitionism going on.[0:06:47] Vince: Exactly. So the seeds of that whole thing, I guess, started there. I had lost some weight started losing some weight in 2017. And then I got down to I wasn't super heavy and I wasn't really heavy growing up. I had gained weight in my twenties and 30s, but then I had gotten back down to a decent weight, and I just that that idea was still there, that had been there, that sort of fantasy about it. And then I thought, I don't know, I was reaching out to some people online, okay.[0:07:20] Brianne Davis: And talking about in a chat group or something.[0:07:24] Vince: There were people it's sort of related to some things I was doing too. Maybe in a way, I kind of had a sexual addiction. I was seeing dominatrixes and stuff.[0:07:35] Brianne Davis: Wait, pause. Wait. You were seeing dominatrix? Is that another secret?[0:07:42] Vince: That was something I shared with some friends, not with family, but that was something I had shared with some friends. That was something I wasn't, and that was not really sexual. It was all sort of control. I mean, it was sexual in a sense. I wasn't having sex with them. I was experimenting with bondage and that kind of thing. So that kind of further wet my appetite for that world and further got me acclimated to that world. You had asked, yeah, there were a few dominatrix. Dominatrix CS. Would that be the plural? I always say dominatrix, but there are a few that I had kind of worked with a little bit. I could say a client of. And then I had mentioned it with them. And what happened, how I really started was at the time, I was going on Craigslist, and since they maybe changed it, but there were ads for models and that kind of thing, and it's coded a little bit, but you kind of know what it's about. So I think it was an ad that I saw for Men wanted for some amateur stuff.[0:08:53] Vince: Again, this was nothing like glamorous. This is like real gonzo stuff where you're shooting in someone's apartment.[0:08:59] Brianne Davis: Honestly, I don't think a lot of them are glamorous.[0:09:05] Vince: But yeah, actually, I'm wrong about that. What would happen was, okay, this is what it was. There was a dominatrix that I was seeing, and her, I don't know if it was her husband or boyfriend, they were making some amateur content and they wanted me to audition.[0:09:19] Brianne Davis: Did you?[0:09:20] Vince: I did. Yes, I did.[0:09:22] Brianne Davis: Okay. That's what you have to take it through. So take us through the audition process for an amateur porn.[0:09:29] Vince: Okay. And I know her a little bit. I got comfortable with her, but I had never met her husband or boyfriend. She said, yeah, he films the stuff and I'll direct it. And it was just basically like a solo scene just to see if I could do the stuff on camera. So we set up a time and went to her apartment and it was like, you want the details?[0:09:53] Brianne Davis: Yes.[0:09:54] Vince: Okay. So it's basically like she was on camera, like her husband was operating the camera, and she had said, can you really do this in front of my husband's going to be operating the camera? And I was like, Whoa, man.[0:10:05] Brianne Davis: Were you nervous?[0:10:07] Vince: Yeah, I was definitely nervous. And I thought my sexual experiences involved women. They weren't really like men or brown, you know what I mean? Is this going to be weird? Can I do this? But again, to me, I think there is sort of like a sexual addiction aspect to it because it was like this charge, like this rush. It was almost like that part of my brain was really like a drug. It's like, I remember driving there and calling my friend and saying, I'm really going to do this. And she was just like, you're crazy. She sort of thought it was funny. So I went in and then I met him and he was filming. I think he just had, like, an iPhone or something. I can't remember what he was using exactly. And she said, okay, we talked about what we're going to do. And she said, she's directing me and he's filming.[0:10:53] Vince: And it was just basically like, strip and take all your clothes off. And you kind of do your solo scene where you have to masturbate into completion and they want to kind of see if you can do that on camera.[0:11:05] Brianne Davis: So was it easy? Was it hard? How was the outcome of that audition?[0:11:13] Vince: Believe it or not, that outcome was good. It was good. It was fairly easy.[0:11:22] Brianne Davis: Okay.[0:11:23] Vince: Yeah.[0:11:24] Brianne Davis: So you're driving away and then what's your thought?[0:11:28] Vince: It kind of just went my appetite for more. I thought, like, wow, because I can remember he was this kind of burly dude and he's filming it, but she can be seen and heard on camera. She didn't participate. She was basically directing it. It's like, okay, do this. She's, like, encouraging me and directing it, and he's filming. But, yeah, I was able to do it and get right into it. I wasn't nervous. It was like, all right, strip. And I was like, Bam. I don't know, I just sort of became this character or whatever, but I felt like it was an aspect of me. It felt fine, really. It wasn't like, I did it and I thought, oh, my God, what have I done? I was cool with it. Okay, yeah, so we did that and then after that but see, I'm in an area, I don't want to say exactly where I am, but I'm not in La.[0:12:16] Vince: I'm not in a big city like.[0:12:18] Brianne Davis: You'Re in a small town somewhere.[0:12:19] Vince: Yes. Things move slowly. So I did that in the fall of in the fall. And then I didn't do anything again until I had another friend who was I saw who was a dominatrix, and he was trying to get into filming content. And we filmed the scene, and it was more like this, too. It was more like a solo scene. It was more like a domination theme.[0:12:41] Brianne Davis: Were you getting dominated or was she getting done?[0:12:43] Vince: I was getting dominated, yes.[0:12:45] Brianne Davis: Got you.[0:12:45] Vince: And we kind of worked out the scene. It was kind of like the same situation. And we did that, and I knew her pretty well, so I was comfortable with that. That went well. But I can tell you where things started to really go off the tracks, where I hit some roadblocks.[0:12:58] Brianne Davis: Let's do it.[0:13:00] Vince: I have these two scenes under my belt, and I think I'm a pro.[0:13:04] Brianne Davis: You're like, I got.[0:13:08] Vince: That. I did the second thing in the wintertime. Then I remember by that. I had hooked up with this cameraman who had done, like, legitimate things. He had filmed some legitimate stuff around town. Like, he was an editor and he was, like, a real camera guy. He wanted to get into this stuff and he wanted to produce some videos, so I hooked up with him. Now, this was, like, my first real boy girl shoot. This was that spring, the following spring, in May. And there was an actress. He was basically producing it, an actress he got from out of town. She was from New England or something. But she had done some stuff like she was nice, cool and everything. And he got her for the scene. And I had checked out some of her stuff and I talked to her on the phone.[0:13:53] Vince: She was really cool. So she came in from Connecticut or whatever she drove in, and he had gotten this room at the Holiday Inn.[0:14:00] Brianne Davis: In the Holiday Inn?[0:14:02] Vince: Yeah.[0:14:03] Brianne Davis: I love it.[0:14:05] Vince: So I remember the night before that, I was a little nervous, but I was like, I don't know.[0:14:09] Brianne Davis: Wait, my question for you. Were you getting paid at this time.[0:14:12] Vince: Or no, I was barely getting really paid. It was never for the month with the guys.[0:14:17] Brianne Davis: I know, but did yo…

Full show notes at the publisher

Rosie: Eating Disorder — Body Shaming, Restricting & 18 Months Without a Period Jan 09, 2023

Show notes

Rosie shares her story of strength and determination as she fights to overcome her eating disorder. She will delve into her journey of healing and uncovering the layers of protection she has built up over the years. Tune in to hear honest conversations and practical advice on how to start the healing process and accept and embrace your eating disorder. With Rosie’s story of courage, resilience and hope you’ll be inspired to take small steps to living a healthier and more meaningful life._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____This month's sponsor - OMGYes - Check out their site for more info: OMGYes_____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Rosie: And so I remember that as I was dropping the way, there were some signs that were scaring me in terms of what I was doing. Like I was actually weighing myself every single day.[0:00:20] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brie Anne Daviscamp. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing.[0:01:23] Brianne Davis: Really, the how, what, when, where, or why of it all. Today. My guest is Rosie. Now, Rosie, I have a question for you. What is your secret?[0:01:36] Rosie: Okay, so my secret is that I am a 34 year old who is addicted to peanut butter Disney cartoons and still sleeps with a baby lizard flesh dragon soft toy. This is meaning that I know. So this is a nutshell bomb. But really, today, the reason why I choose to offer my story to you is because I decided to look into some of the most significant events of my life through a magnifying glass that really took me on a journey from self destruction to self care and self expression and self love. And speaking of cartoons, I actually watched Moana again last night after I don't know how many times I've watched it. And it really always captivates me how this journey of this hero is really just showing the starting point of destruction to love again and to flourishing again. And so I think what really gets me of that story each time, besides, aside from all the adventures and the monsters and the fantastical creatures, is really how, at the beginning, with God Tefiti, whose heart gets stolen and then it disappears completely, leaves room for these monstrous destructive tekka until the very end, when Moana gives her heart back. And really, the revelation is that defeati and teka were really the same person, just stripped out of their essence, their heart, and the love that made them appear that way. And so I just wanted to mention this quote, really, to start telling my story about this journey. And it says, I have crossed the horizon to find you. I know your name. They have stolen the hat from inside you. But this is not defining you. This is not who you are. You know who you are.[0:03:42] Rosie: And so I just wanted to start telling my story of how I tried to really look at all the versions of myself through my life and bring light, love and energy to all of them, regardless of what the destruction behind them was. Basically, I reckon my journey started when I was a kid and everyone saw me as this really big shiny bundle of love who had always food in her mouth, laughing with all my teeth showing and never staying still. My father used to call me monkey and wild goat.[0:04:26] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. Me too. My father used to say I was like a monkey. I would jump all over the walls like a crazy monkey.[0:04:38] Rosie: Yeah, exactly, that's funny. And I think that's my essence, really? This is who I am and that is my essence and never change. But then obviously there were some events that started cracking that beautiful essence, like moments of body shining and lack of self confidence and desire to control something that I couldn't see but was hurting from the inside out.[0:05:12] Brianne Davis: When you say lack of, you said like shaming the body. Shaming. Did something happen? Did somebody say something or was it all internal?[0:05:22] Rosie: I think it was a bit of both. So I think the most striking event was when I started to go through puberty and obviously my body was changing, curves were starting to appear and it's like wearing a different body suit. It literally feels like you're wearing something that is not quite yours. And it felt really uncomfortable because being from Italy, we used to go to Sicily, where my family, relatives and extended families were leaving at the time and still some of them are there. And so obviously we were going to the beach and there were big fish at the table. So before going through puberty, I didn't really care, I was eating whatever and then my body started changing and naturally you put on that extra weight and you showed through your clothes, you showed through your bathers. And so I was like telling my mom, I don't want to go to the beach today, like, I don't feel comfortable. And then you've got periods of scares like, oh my God, what if that happens while I'm at the beach and this is going to be embarrassing. So all of that started happening, but my mom always tried to come to me and say, if you want to wear this complete one piece swimsuit, you can totally do that. That's going to make you comfortable, you can move with ease and it's not going to be a problem. So that's how it all started. She gave me this green swimsuit to wear and I thought, okay, cool, I'll give it a go. And then little did I know that when I came out of the water, it was completely see through.[0:07:05] Brianne Davis: Oh my God, no, that's like every young girl's worst nightmare, right?[0:07:10] Rosie: Yeah. And so I just ran to where my mom was with the umbrella and just got coverage with a bath towel, and I said, I'm not going into the water anymore. I'm not going into the water anymore. Look, she was so sweet, and obviously I was getting really when you go through puberty, a lot of changes happen. Hormones, the body. Like I said, it's really weird.[0:07:35] Brianne Davis: Yeah. I think for men and women, it's very you don't own your body, like you said. You're feeling all these things, and you're not connected to what's going on.[0:07:46] Rosie: Yes, exactly. And it's like your child mind is still trying to come to agreement with these changes, and you're like, I don't get it. It's really weird. You feel, like, completely not in your own body. And so I remember seeing this photo. I still have it. It's crazy because all my other three siblings were jumping around the water in the photo. They were just smiling and super happy. And I was hiding between my two younger sisters, holding my knees with this super grumpy face. I oh, was like, My God, I never forget that moment. It's crazy. And I think everything kind of spirals from there. And then I don't know, maybe this doesn't sound too bad for other people, but it really affected me. So while you already are not feeling 100% in your body, then you've got relatives or cousins that pay compliments to you about how beautiful you look and all of that stuff. But that didn't really help me, made me feel even more ashamed and embarrassed.[0:08:51] Brianne Davis: Right. Because you don't know what to do without attention or that you're feeling awkward inside, and then you're getting this attention that's different from how you're feeling, so you don't even know how to interpret it.[0:09:04] Rosie: Yes, that's right. And also to me, because I didn't feel right. Those didn't feel right. I was like, Why are you telling me these things? I don't believe any of that. And it became really gross to hear those comments. And so I started wearing huge T shirts, baggy clothes, and obviously that went on and on for years and years.[0:09:28] Brianne Davis: Do you think it was that not the sexual energy from your cousins, but just that energy coming at you? You didn't know how to handle it? Because I had that problem when I was younger, too. Older people started giving me this attention, and it was like it was scary.[0:09:46] Rosie: Yes. Most likely, it was a combination of things like, you don't know how to handle those things. Plus you're receiving these weird comments. You're like, what are you trying to say? Like, I don't want that thing. So it was definitely unrequited attention. You don't know what to do with that. Plus your hormones change. Plus you think, what is really the intention behind that? It all felt really weird, and it started playing up, obviously, with my emotions, with my mind, and with that discomfort. But obviously, going into school and seeing that I was the one covering up big time. And then I had all my classmates, even ten year old girls, showing off their body, wearing super short skirts and male attention going to them and complimenting them or making sleazy comments. Because of that. I was like, oh, my God. Yes.[0:10:43] Rosie: I don't want to be involved in any of that. I'm okay. I'm just going to keep covering myself up, because that's the solution.[0:10:50] Brianne Davis: Do you think since then you've been covering up your sexuality in general?[0:10:55] Rosie: Yes, and that's one of my other points as well, because obviously that looked and felt and sounded so unhealthy for me at the time that it kind of kept on growing and growing into this massive fear of unveiling my sexuality, in a way, because I thought it just didn't sit right with me that way. And so obviously, I kept really on for a very long time, wearing baggy clothes and trying to almost wear a cape or something that made me invisible.[0:11:40] Brianne Davis: It's like a costume you put on to protect yourself from the world.[0:11:46] Rosie: Yes. I didn't want to be seen. I just thought, no, attention is better than that. Attention. I'm going to keep focusing on my studies, on being a good student, but I was really trying to pull up a facade that wasn't me anyway. Like, it was me partially, but it really was hiding something bigger and more destructive that was happening underneath.[0:12:13] Brianne Davis: It's so interesting you said this, because I didn't even know we were going to talk about this, but I had someone today mention that they did the same thing and they found themselves and I'm not saying if you're listening, I'm not saying this is your story, but I have to ask it. Do you find yourself sexually anorexic? Like, you don't put yourself in that place because it's too intimate, it's too much, you feel too soon, it's just so you shut down that part of you.[0:12:42] Rosie: Yes. And I'm still discovering and unveiling. I feel like during that phase of my life, I've created all these layers of protection. And I'm feeling like since my recovery, which probably started over ten years ago, it's like taking all those veils off metaphorically. Obviously, it doesn't mean that I'm removing clothes as I leave.[0:13:11] Brianne Davis: No, I say it's like peeling that onion. You're going down the different layers.[0:13:17] Rosie: Yeah, totally. And so I think what made me realize that there was something beneath that pile of clothes that was really hurting underneath is when a series of tragic events I would say tragic events, but it's really not that tragic. If I look at them now, they feel a lot more tragic when they happen to you. But then you put things in perspective. Come on. Probably other thousands of girls.[0:13:45] Brianne Davis: Listen, no. Somebody's trauma or tragedy could be not as big as someone else and affects them more. So don't be saying your trauma is any less important than anybody else's. We have trauma. For me, I'm dyslexic when I couldn't read in front of my mom, it was like the world was over. And if I say that story now, it doesn't sound that important, but it was a huge turning point in my life. It made me feel insecure and stupid. So don't say that. I get it.[0:14:17] Rosie: I totally yeah. But yeah, I think at one point I realized that I was really feeling I couldn't do anything with all that repressed energy. Like, I was just focusing on finishing school and being an excellent student as much as possible. I had pressure at home. Well, not so much from my parents, but it was like a self reflective pressure of not being able to express my creativity in any other way. I couldn't go out into sports or I couldn't do dancing or I couldn't do anything creative to really find what my sole purpose was.[0:15:00] Brianne Davis: Right.[0:15:00] Rosie: Because obviously being a very numerous family, I didn't want to ask my parents, can you please pay for this course? Like, yes. We still had other three siblings to look after, so I just thought, okay, well, I'll do what I can. But then I was really suffering inside from not having a direction other than going to school and be good at school and hiding myself again.[0:15:26] Brianne Davis: Right.[0:15:28] Rosie: A lot of things kept happening. I was overeating at the wrong time for the wrong reason, and that really was hiding a big, massive problem that came out when I was about 15 or 16 year old, when I started hearing comments about being chubby or being undesirable or being ugly. And that's when it really hit me, and I thought, okay, well, that's enough. Now I really need to start changing because I can't keep doing this to myself.[0:15:55] Brianne Davis: Right?[0:15:56] Rosie: And so I started making healthier choices. I started walking more during summertime when we had school holidays. I started asking my parents, just don't come and pick me up. Walk home…

Full show notes at the publisher

Carly: I Was Essentially Held Hostage By My Client For 2 Years Jan 02, 2023

Show notes

Carly was a love addict from a young age and held captive in a toxic relationship for two years. When she met her ex-husband at 27, she forced the relationship to work because he was the least toxic person she'd been with in a while. Unfortunately, it descended into a cycle of him grabbing at her and her pulling back, making him feel unloved and her feel disempowered. She stayed out of a sense of obligation, but when the pandemic hit and her ex-husband lost his job, he spiraled into depression. At this point, Carly was in a state of self-deprivation and vulnerable to flattery, attention, and compliments. This is when her client--who was married--started pursuing her despite her shutting down his advances multiple times. He persisted and eventually called her from a different number, love-bombing her and begging her to give him a chance. Unfortunately, this ended in an all-too-familiar scenario. The client sexually forced himself upon her, making it clear that it is possible to be taken advantage of even if you don't say no. This is why it is so important to recognize the difference between a sex addict and a sociopathic or narcissistic person, and to run if someone is threatening suicide over you, or abort the mission if someone cannot be alone. It is also possible to disappear to save yourself from an abusive situation.Host Brianne Davis dives deep into the often-ignored dark side of romantic relationships. Through interviews and personal accounts of her own experiences with love addiction, she offers insight and advice to listeners looking to heal from past hurts and break free from unhealthy relationships. Join Brianne every week as she shares stories of heartache, resilience and triumph as she works to help others find the strength to overcome their situation and build better relationships going forward._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____This month's sponsor - OMGYes - Check out their site for more info: OMGYes_____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTRANSCRIPT[0:00:00] Carly: But it was just continual threats of, you know, I will tell my wife, she'll come after me. And she does have a history. She'll come after you, she'll come after your license. I will destroy your life. I will get your kids taken away from you here. I'm in the middle of a divorce, too, at the same time, so there's a lot of poll there.[0:00:30] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave, or those lighter or funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing, really, the how, what, when live at all. Today.[0:01:31] Brianne Davis: My guest is Carly. Now, Carly, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?[0:01:39] Carly: Oh, my goodness. Yeah. My biggest life secret is how I ended up being literally held captive by a qualifier for about two years. And on the outside, I was like, this working professional and raising three kids and doing all that, but nobody would have known that on a day to day basis, I was like, being tracked and couldn't communicate with friends and was stuck at home in my personal life. Yeah. So it's a complicated story, but I thought it would be better to start with the end first so that we kind of know what we're building up to because there's obviously history there as to how one gets to that place.[0:02:22] Brianne Davis: Yeah. So take us back take us back to the beginning. How did you get involved with this person?[0:02:29] Carly: Yes, well, we'll actually go back a little bit further than that because it's important. I'll just truncate the earlier years of my life, let's just say that I became a love addict pretty early on. Didn't get a lot of affection and love from my caregivers, and so really learned early on in high school years, early 20s, like, relationships hit the hit just that spot for me and was involved in a lot of relationships just because I wanted the validation and the approval and the praise. So I just wanted to share that piece because this has been a long, ongoing pattern that I think really built up for this.[0:03:13] Brianne Davis: I have a question for you, though. I have a question before you get into that, because you said you would get with people for the attention and validation. Did you get with people that were toxic? Did you get with people you weren't really in love with? Did you get with people that just liked you, so you automatically liked them? What was that little dynamic?[0:03:35] Carly: Yeah, I think that's a great question. I would say all of the above. It kind of just depended on the mood I was in, what I needed. Sometimes I'll even say, like, how desperate I was.[0:03:45] Brianne Davis: Yes.[0:03:46] Carly: The very first relationship that I really noticed this love addiction over was a qualifier. He was definitely a narcissist, and so I got hooked into that. Unfortunately, he did rape me in the day rape scenario, and so I think that also there was this trauma bonding piece there.[0:04:12] Brianne Davis: So you dated him after he did that?[0:04:15] Carly: Yeah, that was the first time I'd ever had sex, and I had told him I didn't want to have sex. I wanted to wait until I was married. And he played along for a while, and then one night, he just forced me to do it. Like, literally held down. Wow. And so after that and it was so confusing because at this point, I was infatuated with this person, and I just couldn't see him for who he really was. And I was 18, and he was very popular, and he was kind of picturesque. We were both pretty well into our sports and went to college for that. So it's kind of this picturesque from the outside scenario.[0:04:56] Brianne Davis: But inside, he totally violated you.[0:04:59] Carly: Yes.[0:04:59] Brianne Davis: Didn't listen to you, you didn't have a voice, and that was your first person you ever slept with and how damaging that is.[0:05:08] Carly: Yeah, well, I just remember walking away feeling ruined, like, okay, I have to stay with this person. I have to make this work because I don't have anything to really offer. That's an important piece. That relationship went on and off for about three years. But I would say that we'd get into a lot of relationships, some that were toxic, some that were convenient, some with people I wasn't even interested in.[0:05:36] Brianne Davis: I've been there too. I was like, oh, you like me. I guess I like you, too, for.[0:05:42] Carly: The attention I liked that. The validation, the praise. I believed I needed that stuff.[0:05:50] Brianne Davis: Did you always feel, too, for you with the power dynamic? If someone liked you and you weren't really interested in them, at least you had that power position?[0:05:58] Carly: Yes. Because I could always play the card if I needed to. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay, cool.[0:06:04] Brianne Davis: Thank you for sharing that. I was just wondering.[0:06:06] Carly: Thank you.[0:06:07] Brianne Davis: But you were saying then at 26, you were about to stay at 26.[0:06:11] Carly: Yeah, 27. I had been dating on and off, and many of my friends were married at that time and were starting to have kids, and so I was feeling the pressure there to do that, and I hadn't really found anyone that I'd hand out. And so I met my ex husband at 27 and I pretty much forced it to work because he was like the least toxic person that I had been with in a while. And he needed some rescuing, which we all love to do.[0:06:48] Brianne Davis: You need some rescuing? I'm there.[0:06:50] Carly: That's right. You need me, I will be there. And so I kind of knew in my heart that my higher power was like, no, but I pushed it. I own the fact that I was not ready to be alone again. And so I kind of forced that situation.[0:07:10] Brianne Davis: What do you mean by forced that situation? Mean, in your mind, you forced it.[0:07:14] Carly: Yeah, exactly. He was way into me and was fine. He was pursuing me. I just had other insight in my heart that I was like, It's kind of a mess. Like, his family life was a mess. I mean, there was just a lot going on, but I was terrified of being alone again. I was like, no, this person is good enough. I remember saying that and thinking that this person is good enough. Because I think, I believe deep down in my heart that I might be alone, that I might not get married. And I think that has a lot to do with my feeling of value and self worth. Yeah.[0:07:52] Brianne Davis: Especially if everyone around you is doing it.[0:07:55] Carly: Yeah. And asking you, right, when are you going to settle down? Or whatever. So that's what I mean by force, that I didn't force him. I was forcing myself, in a sense, to just ignore my intuition. Yeah. I don't recommend that, but I would.[0:08:13] Brianne Davis: Not recommend that either. Tip number one, don't ignore your intuition.[0:08:20] Carly: Great. Write that down. So we got married and it's kind of, I would say predictable a bit, but I was the love avoidant in the marriage. He was the love addict in the marriage and he was very needy and I was constantly rescuing and saving. And there was a lot of struggles in the marriage.[0:08:45] Brianne Davis: Can you name some in case someone is in a marriage that is sounding similar? Like, what are some of the struggles you remember?[0:08:53] Carly: Neither one of us really had a healthy sense of ourselves. I was very successful and confident in my career and he didn't have that confidence, so he would over rely on me to sort of build him up or help him get some connections. There was just a really overreliance on me for his security. And then what's interesting, right, I have some meshmen from my childhood. And so his grabbing at me is what that felt like was very repulsive to me. I was like, oh, my gosh, I need you to be a man, get your career set up. Yeah, I need someone for me. I'm forging a brand new business and doing all this stuff. Yeah. And so we would just kind of go round and round in circles with that, and he just didn't have the tools. And I didn't either, honestly, to just say, this is who he is. This is who I am. I can't make somebody be somebody that they're not. Because in rescuing, I thought, okay, well, I'll just teach them these things and I'll help them, and that's not my job. I don't think that's anybody's job.[0:10:07] Brianne Davis: No, it's nobody's job. I mean, I've been with my husband for 18 years, and there's things that I don't struggle with that he struggles with, that I can't fix for him or even teach him. It's like he has to do it for himself without side help. You can't do that within the relationship.[0:10:25] Carly: Exactly. And I didn't have a family that sought different help. I just went in with that naivety of like, oh, well, I'll help him and change him, and exactly. It was so disempowering for him. Right. Because I'm the one who's sort of, like, helping him through everything. And I think it was really emasculating in some ways, not intentionally, but when somebody's constantly helping and rescuing you, that doesn't feel empowering, that you don't get.[0:11:00] Brianne Davis: To even build that inner self of self reliance.[0:11:04] Carly: Right. Yeah. So as you can imagine, the cycle went on. He would grab at me, I would pull back. He would get really angry that I was pulling back, and he would not feel loved and cared for, and then I would just grab some more. I'd pull back. It was just kind of this really long cycle. Eventually, towards the end of the marriage, we were together. We were married for 14 years. Towards the end of the marriage, we had both just sort of, I would say, become apathetic. Like, we're just living together. Exactly. He kind of got settled in his own career, which, I mean, that was good. So I think we just sort of came to status quo, if you will. We weren't intimate.[0:11:49] Carly: We weren't connecting. We had three kids well, sorry, two at the time, towards the end of the marriage. And so we were living. And it wasn't bad, but it was, like, very lonely, just like, okay. And throughout my marriage, I didn't want to get a divorce. That was something that I should throw in here. That's just some of my own personal things. And my parents pushed through their marriage. I'm not saying that that was necessarily the best thing, but I think I just had agreed to, like, okay, this is what it's going to be like in my marriage. We're just going to do the best.[0:12:28] Brianne Davis: Of it, and I'm just going to keep living. Not thriving, but almost surviving. Right?[0:12:34] Carly: Exactly. I think that there was just this part of me like this would have meant we just had become apathetic. Never once in my marriage did I ever look at another man, talk to another man inappropriately. I really didn't. And I had not been unfaithful to anybody before that in any of my relationships. And I'm not saying that was like self praise. It's not something I had really, I just didn't believe.[0:13:04] Brianne Davis: I don't know. I think that's great because lots of people do do that, even DM, or getting that attention somewhere else, or having a close friend. That's what I hear about, I'm like close friend, please, or emotional affair or even a physical affair. People do do those things instead of saying, hey, something's wrong in this marriage. But yes, I think it's great you didn't go that route. I've went that route.[0:13:28] Carly: I'm the cheater.[0:13:29] Brianne Davis: Totally.[0:13:30] Carly: So, I mean, it's interesting,…

Full show notes at the publisher

Anton: I've Always Wanted to be an Actor Dec 26, 2022

Show notes

The Secret to a Successful Life: Follow Your Passion — Anton always wanted to be an actor, but as a gay Armenian man, he didn't see representation on tv and in films, so it seemed almost impossible. Brianne and Anton dig into Hollywood's new focus on diversity and inclusion, following your dreams, and never giving up. This a great episode to lead you into the New Year's resolutions!_____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show, email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____This month's sponsor - OMGYes - Check out their site for more info: OMGYes_____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTRANSCRIPT:Anton 00:00:00 Most people do not know this about me. And there's a there's a reason for that. Because I think that we will keep secrets because, I don't know, we're embarrassed that there wasn't a resolution or because we find something else that we're passionate about. There's so many different things. You know what I mean? Like, it's it's so funny. M.Brianne Davis 00:00:30 Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Bryanne Davis Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets we probably want to go to our grave with, or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing, really. The how, what, when, where, and m why of it all. Today, my guest is the amazing Anton. Now, Anton, I have a question for you. Yes, dun dun dun. What is your secret?Anton 00:01:45 Okay, so, my secret you're going to trip on this.Brianne Davis 00:01:49 Oh, my God, I can't wait. I'm, like, grinning.Anton 00:01:53 Um, that I wanted to be an actor.Brianne Davis 00:01:56 What?Anton 00:01:57 I know.Brianne Davis 00:01:58 Wow, that was really loud. Sorry, people. What?Anton 00:02:01 I know, it's crazy, right? And we wait a second.Brianne Davis 00:02:05 We've worke together.Anton 00:02:06 I've done your makeup, like, a ton. I'm a makeup artist, uh, to everyone out there.Brianne Davis 00:02:11 Everyone. If you need the most amazing eyes, like, eye makeup done, he is the person. But you've never told me. I mean, we've talked about everything.Anton 00:02:21 Yeah, and it's interesting because it's something that I don't most people, maybe a couple of my friends know this, but most people do not know this about me. And, uh, there's a reason for that. Because I think that we will keep secrets because, I don't know, we're embarrassed that there wasn't a resolution or because we find something else that we're passionate about. There's so many different things. You know what I mean? It's so funny.Brianne Davis 00:02:54 Okay, but we got to go back to the beginning. When do you want to become an actor? Like, at what age?Anton 00:03:00 Well, it definitely wasn't when I was a kid or anything like that. I moved to Los Angeles about ten years ago, and I started working more full time as a, uh, makeup artist. And I love doing makeup, and I still do, and I'm very passionate about it. But I started to realize when I first moved to La. That I'm working with a lot of actors, and it's really cool what they're doing. I like that whole scene of working with a crew and working with a team, and I always found that to be really interesting. And there's this family unit involved, and I also always saw my clients not more in the spotlight, in the sense that's what I wanted, but more in the spotlight of, like, everyone wanted to meet their needs. Everyone wants to make sure their needs are met, and everyone else around them is kind of not significant. Catering to it.Brianne Davis 00:04:03 When you're the actor, you're the most important person.Anton 00:04:06 Exactly.Brianne Davis 00:04:07 All this energy is like I was just talking to somebody on set. You're literally getting touched. Twenty four seven.Anton 00:04:14 Yes, it's true. Everybody needs to do something, and it involves the actor.Brianne Davis 00:04:21 Yes.Anton 00:04:22 So I always found that to be really fascinating, but then I never really tried. I mean, I started to do makeup pretty quickly on a freelance basis. I was working at Mac. I was working in retail in Arizona, where I'm from. I left the company after six years, and then I moved here, and I was working for a different brand, a brand called Hourglass.Brianne Davis 00:04:44 I love ah hourglass.Anton 00:04:46 Yeah, we've definitely chatted about that. But it was in a retail capacity until I could kind of stabilize my freelance career. And I loved it, and I still love it. So it was never an issue of, am I missing out on something? But at the same time, there was that, what if I tried?Brianne Davis 00:05:05 Kind of no, wait, you never even tried? Did you even go on audition?Anton 00:05:08 No. And the reason was because a couple of years, ah, maybe gosh, it might have even been just a year after I moved here, um, I was approached to do an on camera kind of tutorial for a show, obviously as myself, um, teaching. I was doing, like, a smoky eye tutorial on a show. It was actually one of RuPaul's shows. Uh, it was a spin off of RuPaul's Drag Race called RuPaul's Drag You.Brianne Davis 00:05:38 Okay?Anton 00:05:39 They would basically take a woman who would like, she feels like she kind of lost her swag, and she lost her way with her style, and she needed that re up, kind of glow up, that now everyone is kind of saying situation. And she would get assigned a drag queen professor, one of the kind of alumni from one of the other shows. And, um, then there were three women on the show who all had their own professor, and they all had to compete. So they would bring in these kind of beauty experts. And I got to come in and do this on camera smokey eye tutorial, which was really fun. And I got to play on my personality and everybody else's personality. And a show like that has a whole lot of personality. Oh, yeah, it was really fun. And I realized very quickly, I'm like, maybe being myself on camera is the real thing, that I'm kind of wanting to do.Brianne Davis 00:06:37 Okay, but I have a question for you, and I love that I love that you love the whole aspect of the entertainment business and the family, but do you think you first wanted to become an actor for the poshy glam side and not the hard working you're getting your ass handed to you?Anton 00:06:58 You know what? It's so interesting you say that, because it's probably because, oh, gosh, he's thinking hard, people.Brianne Davis 00:07:11 She should see his face.Anton 00:07:13 She could see me. I'm glad no one else can. No, I'm kidding. But, um no, it's so interesting because I think being new to the business and new to the industry ten years ago, mhm very, very easy to see that side of it and to think, well, I can do this too. Why shouldn't I try? Why shouldn't I, um, get that kind of attention? But I was also 25. I was still trying to find my way and figure it out. And then I quickly realized, this is not easy. M this has to be a passion. You can't just wake up and necessarily want to do something like this. And it wasn't that wake for me. I always found it to be kind of like a fascinating, like, oh, well, I have a big personality, so I could learn a script. Like, what's the big deal? But then I quickly realized, I'm like, well, maybe that script is just my own life. Maybe that's maybe it's my life.Brianne Davis 00:08:06 You don't want to play other people. See, because I became an actor because I didn't want to be myself. I wanted to be somebody else. And I loved putting on other people's clothes and shoes and talking different and becoming a different character.Anton 00:08:21 Yeah, I love that. I mean, I think that's so cool, like, for you. But I, uh, think that you, as an actor, you're moldable in the sense that you can step into that character and be a blank canvas for that director versus not everyone is that way. And for me, I think it's very much like I'm kind of a big personality in the sense of just who.Brianne Davis 00:08:46 You take up a lot of space.Anton 00:08:48 I do take up space, because let.Brianne Davis 00:08:49 Me tell you people, when he's doing my makeup at 05:00 a.m., my husband is literally like, uh, Anton is here with Rachel. They're so loud. You guys don't need to scream at each other.Anton 00:09:03 This is like pre baby, too. He's like, Why are you yelling? I can hear you. Literally, like, you're crossing her face. And it's part of who we are. It's just hysterical. But here's the thing, and I think it would have been very tricky to have tried to be an actor and to maybe have done a couple of little of things and then transition back into makeup artistry. It might be tricky in the sense of being taken seriously at that point. So I think it's probably a good thing that it didn't necessarily go that direction.Brianne Davis 00:09:46 I'm so fascinated. I would have never thought you wanted to be an actor of that. Yeah, I could see why. What we said, like, the family aspect, the creativity, all these people come together in one for short periods of time, and they create this art, and it's the best feeling in the world, mhm, but it cannot sustain you being an actor.Anton 00:10:10 Yeah, it's such a trip. But there is another reason why I didn't want to try, and this kind of goes deeper into it. Um, so I feel like it's very finding encouragement from friends and family to just go out and do whatever you want is very difficult. So that can be a very difficult part, too. And I have wonderful parents, I have a great family. They're very supportive of what I do. But if I was wanting to leave home and say I wanted to be an actor, I think it would have kind of, maybe been a tricky situation. So unless you really have the guts to do it at a young age, which many do, and many find that success that way, it's tricky to do that, you know what I mean? I also think that, um, there wasn't a whole lot of representation. There still isn't a whole lot of representation. Hollywood has definitely come a long way, but there weren't really any Armenian, I'm gay. And there were just a lot of situations, um, where I didn't see myself on television or in commercials or in ads. Like, I'm not blond haired or blue eyed, and ten years ago, that's all I really saw. Yeah. And I feel like it's interestingly enough now. There's so much more representation where the blond haired, blue eyed actors are having more of a difficulty.Brianne Davis 00:11:33 Uh, yes, we are.Anton 00:11:35 And I know you could speak to that. It's so interesting. But, I mean, if there was a gay person on a show, they were playing themselves or they were being pigeonholed or stereotyped, and that was very, very discouraging also, in the sense of like, well, I have something that I'm doing that I love, and thank goodness for that, because there's no place for me. You know what I mean?Brianne Davis 00:12:02 It's a bummer.Anton 00:12:03 It is a bummer, and I don't have any regrets in that regard.Brianne Davis 00:12:09 Are you trying to tell me right now you're not going to do my makeup anymore? You're going to become an actor?Anton 00:12:14 Well, no, I will always be there for you because you're fantastic and I adore you. But, um, I definitely think that, um, since that one on camera opportunity that I talked about with, um, RuPaul's show, there have been several others. I did a makeover show on TLC, which was this really cool six part series where I was like, the on camera makeup artist. And then I did a Facebook watch show, um, called Beauty School Knockout, which was really fun. And I was like, the makeup judge. Vanessa Lache was the host of the show, and I was kind of like her guest judge. So I've had a lot of those opportunities surface. And the more I've done them, the more I've realized that I love that as much as I love doing makeup. And m a lot of glam people have a hard time doing on camera things. The fact that I can do that and the fact that I'm comfortable with that, um, just shows me even more. So that like doing a show in that sense, where I am like a beauty expert being myself, not playing somebody else, because that's not at all where I want to go. Everything that I've done in this business for the last decade has showed me that that's not what I want. But being myself on an on camera project 100%, I'm still looking for that next great opportunity.Brianne Davis 00:13:41 Well, I love that because I think we have this idea of what we're supposed to be, or we have this dream, and sometimes, uh, there's not a reality to it. And you don't put yourself doing the work or what it takes. And I love that you found something else that you're actually passionate about, and then you can put that on camera, that you love being on camera together. Because for me, I actually hate being on camera. Like myself being myself.Anton 00:14:11 It's so funny, isn't it?Brianne Davis 00:14:13 I hate my voice. I hate the way I look. I will pick myself apart, but when I'm another character, I don't even see me.Anton 00:14:22 Yeah, it's interesting. Uh, that's why you're so good at what you do. And I love watching you in your element, because it's so fun, because I know you and I know your personality. And then I'll watch something that you do, and you come across completely differently. Which is the job. Yeah, which is actually literally the job. But for me, it's finding myself even more in those kinds of projects. And I think that we're in such a different place with representation, which is so unbelievable. I think the business h…

Full show notes at the publisher

Rachel: I’m a Love Addict and I Was Addicted to a Younger Man Dec 19, 2022

Show notes

Rachel shares her inspiring story of how she confronted her struggles with love and sex addiction. With the help of a love addiction specialist, Rachel was able to move from a place of deep lows to a place of hope and healing. Host Brianne Davis also discusses the importance of seeking help, and how powerful it can be to take ownership of one's own behavior and thoughts. This engaging and encouraging episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking support on their journey of healing._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.______To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____This month's sponsor - OMGYes - Check out their site for more info: OMGYes_____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscript[0:00:00] Rachel: I watched my life start to both elevate in really weird ways and then deteriorate into this like, deep bottomless pit of I can't do anything without this man in my life. And he was like a drug. Like could not get enough, like was addicted.[0:00:28] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know those deep, dark secrets we probably want to go to our grave with are those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really.[0:01:28] Brianne Davis: The how, what, when, where, and why of it all. Today. My guest is Rachel. Now, Rachel, I have a question for you. Dun, dun dun. What is your secret?[0:01:39] Rachel: Well, thank you for having me on. And my secret is that when I was in my late twenty s, I had an on and off scandalous relationship with an 18 year old gentleman. And it literally threw my life down the tubes and I almost tapped out on life as a result of it.[0:02:05] Brianne Davis: Wow. Okay, let's go back. So what started this relationship?[0:02:12] Rachel: So I had been in on and off long term relationships with different men and none of them seemed to pan out. And I was on my hot shit.[0:02:24] Brianne Davis: Your shit down stink.[0:02:26] Rachel: Yeah, I was like, you know what? Fuck a relationship. I'm going to just get some young tail and see what happens. And honestly, I'd never been with anybody younger, but this guy was catnip. He was like kryptonite at this catnip and kryptonite all wrapped up into one package. And I watched my life start to both elevate in really weird ways and then deteriorate into this deep bottomless pit of I can't do anything without this man in my life. And he was like a drug, could not get enough, was addicted.[0:03:02] Brianne Davis: So can we talk about first how you said elevate? How did things elevate during that time?[0:03:11] Rachel: This young man came from a really amazing family. And in my relationship with him, or pseudo relationship we'll call it, I got exposed to motherly love, I got exposed to fatherly love. I got exposed to family in a way that I'd never felt cared for and seen. And it was almost like the missing puzzle piece in my life. And so I felt powerful at times, but then the low was like unmanageable, crying in my bed, staring at my phone for 12 hours waiting for text messages, like, kind of crazy, terrible.[0:03:48] Brianne Davis: So it was almost like was an obsession came over you about him. Did other people know about your relationship at the time?[0:03:56] Rachel: They did, but they didn't know to what extent I was choosing to participate in to the point where I would call my friends religiously for support, but they'd be like, Just stop seeing that guy. And then the later it would get at night, I would end up on an app called Whisper and releasing my deepest darkest, like, please help me get this guy in my life. Who do I have to be in order to have him in my life forever? And it was terrifying. I was addicted, I was obsessed, I was compulsive. I was spending hours like an FBI investigator on social media. I look back on that part of my life and go, I just want to hug that girl.[0:04:53] Brianne Davis: So did you stalk him? Was he an available young buck?[0:05:05] Rachel: As available as an 18 year old can be. I mean, he still lived at home. Like, I supported him in moving out of his parents house. Maybe in ten years, he would have been relationship material, but he was a baby.[0:05:30] Brianne Davis: A baby. But here's the thing. So your friends knew about the relationship. Did they know how young he was?[0:05:37] Rachel: They did know, but they didn't see to the extent I was involved. They saw like, okay, well, Rachel's not around anymore, so she must be doing something else. And he and I shared an activity in the world together, so I was always doing, quote unquote, that activity. And what I was really doing was just, like, upending my life and turning myself into bending myself into whatever sort of gumby character I could be that I thought he would want me to be, which included not being anywhere near anybody I was friends with.[0:06:16] Brianne Davis: So you really isolated yourself in this situation from people, so everything shut out and made it about this one person.[0:06:28] Rachel: Yeah. And seemingly from the outside, everything seemed fine. I was successful. I had a six figure income, I had my own place. I had it all together. And, yeah, it was jarring, to say the least. When I hit that bottom of, like, I don't want to do life anymore because of this relationship with this person, it was like a two week on, two week off.[0:06:57] Brianne Davis: So what was that bottom? Can you describe the moment where it just all came just rushing?[0:07:04] Rachel: Yeah, it was five years ago and five years ago in June, and I had planned my birthday and the girl he had cheated on me with probably three or four times, he was pulling away again. And I uncovered in my social media findings that he had planned a beach day with her on my birthday, and my birthday was going to be at the beach. So after he had just professed his undying love for me, and we were going to be together, and he never wants to see anybody else. And it was just like, I'm canceling my birthday, I'm getting in the car and I'm leaving town, and I'm never coming back. Yeah, it was gnarly. It was very traumatic. It was like I was living in an emergency room, emotional emergency room, 24 hours a day. My adrenaline, my nervous system was just tapped.[0:08:04] Brianne Davis: Wow. Did you get in that car and drive and go?[0:08:08] Rachel: I did. I went to where I am from and really had a hard time explaining why I was there and made some excuse why I was there and just found myself driving around and figuring out which telephone pole is just going to run my car into.[0:08:29] Brianne Davis: I have heard similar people say when they've been in that same situation, like they didn't want to kill themselves, they just didn't want to be around anymore. Is that how you felt?[0:08:42] Rachel: Yeah, I would say that it just hurt so bad that I didn't want it to hurt anymore.[0:08:49] Brianne Davis: Right.[0:08:50] Rachel: And my best thinking was like, there's no way this feeling is ever going to go away unless I end it. And I had exposed myself so deeply to the community that he and I were both in. Just people just like, they looked at me and go, you're a grown woman. What are you doing?[0:09:12] Brianne Davis: So I had all this judgment from other people because they saw it.[0:09:17] Rachel: Yeah. There were moments where people would pull him aside and be like, hey, she's dangerous. Don't talk with her anymore. Really had his best interest at heart, but they didn't see the inner workings of what actually was happening. And I'm fully responsible for creating what I created with him, and we co created it together.[0:09:46] Brianne Davis: I love what you just said because it seems like the blame got put on you, even though, you know, it was both you and him, but it seemed like, did it all come on you all the judgment came on you than him.[0:10:00] Rachel: I'm sure it didn't. I mean, there's my truth, his truth, their truth, and then the truth.[0:10:08] Brianne Davis: Did they say in God's truth because God sees it?[0:10:12] Rachel: God's truth? There's that too.[0:10:15] Brianne Davis: But.[0:10:19] Rachel: I think over the last five years, looking at somebody's, like, if you're looking at somebody and you're like, oh, they totally hate me, they totally hate me, they're thinking the worst of me. And then you will go up and ask them, hey, what are you thinking about? I'm thinking about eating a sandwich.[0:10:34] Brianne Davis: Yeah. It has nothing to do with you ever.[0:10:37] Rachel: Don't actually give a shit. And if they do, it's because it triggers something inside of them. So I don't truly know, but I know that there were people that pulled them aside and said, like, hey, this isn't a good thing for you. You're young, you're free. Don't get wrapped up in some old ladies stuff.[0:10:58] Brianne Davis: So here's my next question for you. How did you get out of it?[0:11:03] Rachel: I reached for a lifeline. I called somebody who had always given a trace to me, talk to me straight and direct with me. And she said, you get to go to a twelve step meeting and you get to get your butt into a counselor and have a conversation about love addiction. Because this isn't you that's dealing this and creating this. This is a part of you that is sick and you get to get help. And boy, I couldn't pick up the phone quick enough that day. Where I found myself driving around telephone to hit myself into a telephone pole was the day I called her. And within an hour of that incident, I was on a phone, phone call, phone therapy session with a love addiction specialist. And she was like, yeah, you are not alone. This is to tee the description of love addiction. And there's hope.[0:12:02] Brianne Davis: Here's my question for you. And a lot of people ask me this. I've already said I'm out ten years sober in sex and love addiction. And my question for you is do you think you can have a love addictive relationship with one person and then have a healthy one in another? Or are you always going to have love addicted qualities or traits?[0:12:25] Rachel: Are you saying simultaneously, like, I can be love addicted to somebody else and then at the same time be in a healthy relationship with somebody or like segueing from one to the next, one to the next? Over the last five years, what I've uncovered is that I'm on the spectrum of sex and love addiction. So there are days where I feel anorexic emotionally, there's days where I feel avoidance, there's days where my intrigue button is really high. And for those of you that are listening, there's all different types of sex and love addiction. There's a range. It could even be codependence. Just straight up 101 codependence. I can fall under the umbrella of that. And in the work that I've done, it's when I choose to come from responsibility and ownership and I'm willing to go to the deepest cut of why I'm acting the way that I'm acting or showing up in the world, then I have the option to be in a healthy partnership. But it is only when I'm willing to do that work.[0:13:27] Brianne Davis: I love how you say that because sometimes with love addiction it's so hard to explain that there are so many different aspects, there's so many different of that personality that can come out at one time. I can go anorexic, I can become obsessive, I can want to flirt an intrigue and it's like, I don't know each day what that character defect will flare up or that behavior will want to act out. So how you just said that, I hope it explained to the listeners that this can come in all forms. It's not just one way.[0:14:01] Rachel: It's a daily reprieve. Right. One day at a time. I choose to show up as a sober woman that's connected to something greater than myself. And without that spiritual practice, that foundation that I choose into every morning, I'm liable to be right back in that car five years ago, finding the telephone pole or digging into my partner's phone records or something. Yeah.[0:14:34] Brianne Davis: Because we only have control over ourselves. We don't have control over the person. Love addiction is you're addicted to a person. So they're human. They're going to have their flaws. My husband's going to trigger me sometimes, and I'm going to be like, See you. In other days. I'm going to be like, I love you, but that's okay. I have to do the inner work. So I stay connected and an authentic person.[0:14:57] Rachel: Yeah. And it has nothing to do with them. If I'm getting triggered by something someone else is doing, it's a gift to me to look at what value or belief that is toxic is arising and doing the work to get in there and rewrite that. This human projected all of the magical qualities that I wanted and a dad and a best friend and a partner and a brother. I mean, he fit every single mold of who I would have wanted to be kept safe by. So I was constantly lefting after that safety from somebody else. And then envy strikes a chord with me growing up, triangulating with other women. So the envy of, I don't want her to have what I want, you can't have it, but I can. So triangulating with men, particularly this one, who would, if at all possible, find the next available woman in whatever room we're in to create that dynamic with.[0:15:57] Brianne Davis: Wow. So you would walk into a room and that dynamic. Another woman would be, like, psychologically chosen, and you would play out that dynamic.[0:16:07] Rachel: Almost every time I was in a space with him.[0:16:11] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Can you name one incident that happened?[0:16:14] Rachel: Yeah, this activity we were participating in. I walked in one…

Full show notes at the publisher

Josie: I’m Doing IVF Treatments, But Now I’m On The Fence About It Dec 12, 2022

Show notes

We explore the often overlooked and complex topic of longing for a baby. We discuss the struggles of couples who have been together for a long time and haven't been able to conceive, and identify the difficulties in expressing such a deep desire. We talk about the various options couples can explore to increase their chances of having a baby, as well as the importance of being honest with each other about your desires. Ultimately, this podcast serves to remind us that even when the odds don't seem to be in your favor, there is still hope._____If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse, or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com._____To share your secret and be a guest on the show, email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com_____SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness._____Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle_____This month's sponsor - OMGYes - Check out their site for more info: OMGYes_____Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon______HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com) or at our WEBSITE.Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterConnect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)Main WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitterTranscriptTranscript[0:00:00] Josie: I don't know if I'm just protecting myself because we've been together for so long and it's never happened and I feel like it's not going to happen. So I don't want to say out loud how much I want to have a baby, if that makes sense.[0:00:20] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm brienne. Davis. Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others.[0:01:12] Brianne Davis: You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really. The how, the what, the when, the where and the why of it all. Today. My guest is Josie. Now, Josie, I have a question for you. Dun, dun, dun... what is your secret?[0:01:35] Josie: My secret is I have been going through IVF treatments and I'm kind of on the fence about if I actually want to do this or not.[0:01:46] Brianne Davis: Really? How long have you been going through this?[0:01:51] Josie: So my husband and I have been married for ten years and what's funny is when I first met him, like I was baby crazy. I wanted to have baby so bad. He's younger than I am, so he wasn't ready. And now in the last five years or so, things have kind of reversed and he's the one who's really baby crazy. I'm kind of over it. I don't know if I'm just protecting myself because we've been together for so long and it's never happened and I feel like it's not going to happen. So I don't want to say out loud how much I want to have a baby, if that makes sense. Or I don't know if it's just like now I'm in my feel like, who the hell wants to have a kid in their forty s? And I was thinking my kid is going to be six years older, maybe in my 50s. Like, oh my God, it sounds awful. Yeah.[0:02:42] Brianne Davis: No, I get it. And I feel like the reason I wanted to have you on and I'm just saying it, we are friends and you haven't really disclosed this and I remember you talked about it a couple of times and I have a kid now and it's like I never wanted a kid. And you did when we were talking a long time ago. And how did that you've been going through this journey and how long have you been doing IVF and what's the process been like.[0:03:14] Josie: So we started IBF and egg retrieval and all that about two and a half years ago.[0:03:22] Brianne Davis: And it was like around the time we met.[0:03:25] Josie: Yes. And I was kind of okay with doing it. My husband really wanted to have children, and I felt like, well, I think I'd be a good mom. I'm a great dog mom.[0:03:40] Brianne Davis: Hey, that's important. Dogs prepare you for motherhood.[0:03:45] Josie: It's so funny. I've heard that. And then when you tell that to people who have children, they're like, it's nothing like it.[0:03:50] Brianne Davis: Well, it is nothing like it, but it prepares you to be responsible for another human being, but it's a whole other level, right?[0:03:58] Josie: Yeah. And then you and I have talked about this when I first met you, and you weren't really crazy about having children, and look at you now. So I'm kind of wondering and I know I'm your guest, but I'm kind of wondering how's that with you having a child and you weren't baby crazy your whole life.[0:04:15] Brianne Davis: Well, here's the thing, and that's why I wanted to talk to you about it. We both come from such different perspectives. I never wanted a child, and then finally when I decided to have a child, I'm older, too, and when he's ten, I'm going to be almost 50. And I'm exhausted. Girls. I'm exhausted. And we're old parents. So a part of me, when you're saying, I don't want to be 40 something or 50 when I have a six year old, I'm going ding, ding, ding. Yes, it's exhausting. But I also am really glad I did it because it's given me a bigger purpose in life. But then at the same time, girl, like, I brought a child into this crazy world that I have. It's just out of control. And I'm like, I can't believe I brought a child into this world.[0:05:15] Josie: And that's the other thing. Like, would you really want to bring a child into this crazy world right now? Especially, it's not as if we would just accidentally get pregnant. It's kind of a plan thing. And I think when you start thinking, you just think too much about it. It's not the right time. What's it going to be like when you have to put so much thought into it? It's really scary because you're making that decision to, I just I'm going to do this, and you're putting a lot.[0:05:43] Brianne Davis: Of money into it. I mean, how much is the IVF? Can you tell me that?[0:05:47] Josie: So I'm in Canada, we're 20 grand in and they were able to get twelve eggs, and only a certain amount, like live, and then out of the seven that lived, only one is a good embryo for implantation. So it's also disappointing, right? I'm in my have twelve eggs. I'm like, holy crap, I'm amazing. I got twelve eggs as a woman.[0:06:11] Brianne Davis: Because they tell you at what, 30, 35, that you're drying up pretty much yeah.[0:06:18] Josie: You know what they said to me? They said to me, you would be a geriatric pregnancy. I almost died. I swear to God. I'm like, you guys need to come up with a better fucking name than geriatric pregnancy.[0:06:31] Brianne Davis: That's just mean. That's actually abusive to a woman.[0:06:35] Josie: I feel my gosh saying that in front of my younger husband. I was like, oh, my gosh, this is awful. So if there's a lot of emotions, there's a lot of disappointment. You get excited, you have all these eggs, and then a lot of them don't survive. And then when they do survive, when they put in the sperm, they don't actually survive. And so only one of them is good. So we have one shot. That's it.[0:07:05] Brianne Davis: You're doing it again. Have you done?[0:07:08] Josie: No, we're doing it in December, so it's coming up.[0:07:12] Brianne Davis: So are you feeling right now, like, all this pressure?[0:07:16] Josie: Yeah, honestly, like I was saying, I don't know if I'm just trying to talk myself out of getting excited because I only have this one shot. I'm like, I just kind of want to get it over with. I want to just know once and for all, I'm either going to have a kid or I'm not. This is it. This being in limbo is so exhausting, emotionally draining, because you don't know. And I think that if I was to know, I'll never be able to have kids, I could deal with it. But the not knowing if this is going to work or not is exhausting.[0:07:46] Brianne Davis: Oh, it's completely exhausting. I feel you. And I kind of want to go back to when you were younger. And I know this is going to be a really weird question and you don't have to answer it, but were you always one of those females that was scared of getting pregnant or over? I remember when I first started having sex, I was like, I can't get pregnant. It was like doomsday.[0:08:11] Josie: Not at all. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I used to go on first dates with guys and I'd be like, I want to be a stay at home mom.[0:08:23] Brianne Davis: When did you lose your virginity?[0:08:27] Josie: I was 18, I think.[0:08:29] Brianne Davis: Oh, girl, I started way earlier than you. I'm like, wow, I don't even want to say my age when I lost my virginity. Oh, my God.[0:08:37] Josie: That'll be your secret that we have to get out of you.[0:08:40] Brianne Davis: Well, it's all safe. It was 13, girl.[0:08:43] Josie: Oh, my gosh.[0:08:44] Brianne Davis: I know we are really young in the south. Sorry if you're Southern and you disagree with me, but I started very early, and when I finally decided to get pregnant and we got pregnant, I lost that child. The first child. I had a miscarriage when I was working on the show and I talked to you about it, and then this anger came up where I was like, this whole time I was trying to not get pregnant. And when I tried to finally get pregnant, it didn't really happen. So I was so angry at God. Do you feel that or no, I.[0:09:23] Josie: Mean, I do feel that. When you're young, everyone is just like, don't have sex. You'll get pregnant, it's so easy. But in actuality, it's like there's two good days or something crazy like that.[0:09:34] Brianne Davis: I think it's one, isn't it?[0:09:36] Josie: Like one good day? Yeah, something like that. I'm just like, oh my God. I think it's good that they scare the hell out of you when you're a kid, but when you're actually trying and you find out there's only one or two good days, it's like, holy crap. It's really difficult. And as you get older, it's even more difficult. And then as you get older, you get used to the way that you lived your life. Not being selfish because I'm definitely not a selfish person.[0:10:01] Brianne Davis: No, you're like the least selfish person I know.[0:10:05] Josie: I mean, I put my dog first and I live for my dog and my family and so not in that way, but it's just you just get used to the way that you live and getting up and going to the gym if you want and just different. So it gets harder to give that up, I think.[0:10:21] Brianne Davis: Yeah, because girl, you would be giving it all up. I'm telling you. Even going to the bathroom, you give up. I was like, oh my God, I finally have to go to the bathroom after 2 hours because I'm just dealing with feeding my son, getting his stuff ready. Because as a mom, we give up so much.[0:10:41] Josie: And that's the thing. People say it's worth it, but is it really worth it? You can't say no because you have a child. And women will never say like, oh God, I wish I didn't have a kid.[0:10:54] Brianne Davis: No, but I've had moments at night, especially during this period of time where I've been like, why did I have a child now? And why did I bring him into this crazy world and what was I thinking? But then when he turns and looks at you and smiles, it's like my heart is like melts. So it's this I hate and I love relationship all at the same time.[0:11:19] Josie: Yeah, I get that.[0:11:22] Brianne Davis: And lots of moms don't talk about that, but that's the truth.[0:11:25] Josie: Lots of moms I think I see patients in a day and I see a lot of people and they're all women. And I've only one time had someone tell me that she wishes she wouldn't have had kids.[0:11:38] Brianne Davis: And what did that feel for you, everything you've been going through?[0:11:43] Josie: I mean, it was scary because I was thinking, what if I'm doing all of this and I'm going to feel like she does? Why did I go and screw up my life? That's just easy. My life is so easy, right? I get up when I want. Well, not really, because I go to work, but you don't have to get up, and you get up when your alarm goes off, not when a baby cries. You just kind of do your own thing. So I'm also scared, what if this works? And I'm like, oh shit, why did I do this?[0:12:14] Brianne Davis: Because you might have that feeling, honestly. And you'll have days when you have that feeling and then days when you don't have that feeling.[0:12:22] Josie: Right.[0:12:23] Brianne Davis: Are you feeling all this pressure from society too? As a woman?[0:12:27] Josie: Not so much, because I feel like a lot of women aren't having children or having children later in life. I do feel a lot of pressure from my husband who really wants to have kids, and I feel like I can't give him that and it's very difficult. I also think he's younger than I am. He could decide in ten years, well, you know what, I was okay with not having kids, but now I'm not anymore and just leave, which is that could happen, and who am I to take that away from him? If he really wants to have kids and I can't do that, then of course he should go out and get what he wants. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.[0:13:05] Brianne Davis: No, I understand.[0:13:08] Josie: It's a lot of pressure, for sure.[0:13:10] Brianne Davis: Have you guys discussed adopting? Maybe?[0:13:16] Josie: I don't think it's something that I would want to do at this time anyway. Neither would he.[0:13:23] Brianne Davis: Oh, so you have talked about it and it's just not something you're interested?[0:13:28] Josie: Yeah, not right now. We decided if it's not going to work, we'll be dog parents for now. And he says I'm crazy if I think that in ten years from now is going to change his mind. But let's be honest, I mean, it can happen, right?[0:13:43] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I mean, men can have children until they're 65 or something. At least like 75 on their deathbeds.[0:13:50] Josie: Oh my gosh.[0:13:51] Brianne Davis: I know. It seems so not fair they should be th…

Full show notes at the publisher

Madison & Lindsey: We’re Friends That Go To Sex Parties Together Dec 05, 2022

Show notes

Co-hosts of the popular Clit Talk and founders of Pleasure Positive Living, Madison, and Lindsey, share their sex-positive story about the world of sex parties, polyamory, non-monogamy, and intimacy.

_____

Madison & Lindsey

Get more info: https://www.pleasurepositiveliving.com | https://clittalkshow.com/instagram

Get a free guide: https://clittalkshow.com/guide

_____

If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

______

To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

_____

SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE: addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

_____

Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

_____

SPONSOR - OMGYes - Check out their site for more info: OMGYes

_____

Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

______

HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?

Tell Your Friends & Share Online!
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