Not By Accident

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Ep 24: Health Oct 06, 2017

Show notes

I get the feared call from pre-school on the last day of term. You’ve hit your head, badly.

I keep a close watch on you for signs of concussion and thankfully, there are none. I feel shattered from the worry and the shock. I give up on work and pamper you for the rest of the day.

The hardest thing is when you’re hurt or sick. Or when I’m sick. Or worst of all, we’re both sick. That’s when it’s hardest to be a single parent. The worry that I might miss the signs of something serious. Of seeing you suffer. Running out of supplies when we can’t just dash to the shops for more food or more medicine. When I have to miss work and I can’t think of an alternative.

It’s 2015, in Denmark. You’re two. I’ve told Nadia the Principal that this is my last year, we’ll be going home to Australia in the Summer. I want to go out on a high, the way I felt when I left for maternity leave.

You got sick on Friday. It’s flu or something. I will you to be well by Monday. I’m worried about work. But Monday comes and you’re not. I have a toddler with a fever who needs my care and a room full of students waiting for me. There’s nobody to step in for either role.

I miss a whole week. After the course a student write on their evaluation form “It was a terrible course. I don’t understand why she couldn’t just get someone else to look after her sick kid.” No, you wouldn’t understand. It’s not something you can understand. Until it’s you.

When I was nine, I got sick like that, and the disease progressed but I didn’t get better. For weeks, then months I didn’t get better. Tests began. I was tested for everything. Invasive tests, horrible tests, with no conclusions. I’ve always thought of this as my story, but now that I’m a mother I know it’s just as much hers.

It took a year to get a diagnosis. Myalgic Encephalomyalitis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I was an active young kid, sport was the thing I did best, I swam for the school, played netball, softball, cricket, distance running, it was where I found my self-worth. And then I was bedridden, for a year. The diagnosis was a relief, I wasn’t dying, but it was a burden and a curse.

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery.

Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story.

I’m supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

Transpire byDexter Britain, Dolphin and Snow Monkeys by Candlegravity.

Someone to Watch Over Me by Blossom Dearie (invoking Fair Use).

Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:

Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

I’m now on Patreon. If you’d like join the kind people who are already supporting me to produce each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.

Thanks so much to Margaret P. Jones, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Jessica Kindynis, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani for your support.

To everyone who’s written to share your stories and to support me in continuing, thank you. I’m very behind with my replies, but want you to know each message means so much.

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.

We’ll be back with the next installment in about 3 weeks.

Ep 23: Community Aug 31, 2017

Show notes

The school year is away like a fast-moving train. In the past I’d have lost myself in the momentum. Not so much this year though. This year I have you to force me to go home, to switch off, to be still, to be present. But the school is about 50 metres from our home. We’re both fixtures. You ride your little bike through vast rooms, all over the building and bash away on the student’s drum kit. It’s an extension of home for us, for all the students, and for all the teachers. That’s how I can be engaged and still be with you. I can’t imagine there’s another film school like it. I can’t imagine there’s a better place to grow up. If only our family were closer.

My Dad has finished the work that was delayed by his cancer treatment. He’s well and he’s free. The first thing he does is book a ticket. You should know this Astrid. Grandpa travelled from Australia to Denmark, all that way, at the first opportunity, just to see you.

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. Story editing by Michelle Webster. I’m supported by generous listeners.

Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story.

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

You Were in my Dreams and Always byCandlegravity, Transpire by Dexter Britain and Something Galactic by Broke For Free.

Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:

Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

I’m now on Patreon. If you’d like join the kind people who are already supporting me to produce each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.

Thanks so much to Margaret P. Jones, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Jessica Kindynis, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani for your support.

To everyone who’s written to share your stories and to support me in continuing, thank you. I’m very behind with my replies, but want you to know each message means so much.

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.

We’ll be back with the next installment in about 2 weeks.

Ep 22: Lessons From Zorba Jul 31, 2017

Show notes

The Principal, my boss, has a job offer and decides to take it. The question of leadership opens up. While the Board search for a new Head, somebody will act. Most likely not me, though I’m Vice Principal. We’re living through the worst sleepless nights of the ear infection. I can barely get it together to brush my teeth, let alone to take real responsibility. I want to dig deep, to be as capable and strong as before, to prove something for the sake of all women. But for now I am weak.

Your eardrum bursts. No more crying in pain through the night. Within days I’m stronger, better, more capable. I’m aware of the options being explored, of others being considered to lead until a new Principal is in place. But all of a sudden, I suppose thanks to who I was at work before motherhood, they decide it’s me! Thank god I’ve slept.

I sit in the Principal’s office and feel like I’m in a dream. A bit like a kid wearing their parent’s clothes, a tiny bit of imposter syndrome. But mostly I feel taller, lighter, completely capable and utterly relieved to find motherhood hasn’t erased that. I can still do my job. I can step up. Because of the summer pace, I can stay on top of it and shift to part time for some weeks to spend time with you. For this moment, it almost seems I can have it all.

We need a little summer break too. Time is short, work looms. I book four nights in Crete. A perfect holiday, for just you and me.

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. Edited by Michelle Webster. I’m supported by generous listeners.

Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story.

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

Libertad byIriate and Pesoa and Other Sources by Candlegravity.

Zorba the Greek by Mikis Theodorakis (invoking Fair Use).

Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:

Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

I’m now on Patreon. If you’d like join the kind people who are already supporting me to produce each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.

Thanks so much to Margaret P. Jones, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani for your support.

To everyone who’s written to share your stories and to support me in continuing, thank you. I’m very behind with my replies, but want you to know each message means so much.

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.

We’ll be back with the next installment in about 2 weeks.

Ep 21: My Brother's Wedding Jul 14, 2017

Show notes

Nick called to tell me the news just before New Year’s, only weeks after we got back to Denmark. He proposed, and she said yes. I’m happy for them, of course, really happy. Nick has found the person he wants to share the rest of his life with! Selfishly I’m filled with dread at the thought of the trip, so I hope it will be a long engagement.

I try to suppress the niggling feelings that weddings bring up in me. The flashing neon sign I feel lighting up over my head at times like this. “Single! Single!” The fact that even if I wasn’t, I couldn’t get married in my home country. People like me, lesbians and gays, are still denied that right. But even if I could, I can’t quite picture it for me. Motherhood has pushed that part of my identity so far away that I can’t even really imagine it.

One Saturday morning, Nick calls, not for a chat. He hesitates, reluctant to say it out loud. Still coming to terms with the news himself. Nozomi is pregnant! My little brother is going to be a Dad. He tells me they want to get married first. They want the wedding to be about the two of them. Nick fears once there’s a baby, they’ll be so consumed that they might not get around to it. They decide on a July wedding. Just a few months from now. It’s the right decision for them, and this is about them.

I’m overwhelmed at the thought of the trip I agonize over the pros and cons. I’m sure we will go. We can’t not go.

But then there’s another issue. One I greatly underestimated. An issue with the authorities and you.

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners. Editorial input from Michelle Webster.

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

Weathered Home 3:Bird Split Sky and Aalborg Pulse by Candlegravity.

Unison by Bjork used invoking the Fair Use Doctrine.

Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:

Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for letting me share your stories.

I’m now on Patreon! If you’d like to support the series with a small donation to each new episode, you can do it here: https://www.patreon.com/notbyaccident

Thanks so much to Margaret P. Jones, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth and Anne Staude who have jumped on already!

To everyone who’s written to share your stories and to support me in continuing, thank you. I’m very behind with my replies, but want you to know each message means so much.

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.

We’ll be back with the next installment in about 2 weeks.

Season Two Teaser Jun 30, 2017

Show notes

When I reflect on my childhood, I think of things I had that you don’t: two parents, a brother, a sister, a big house and garden, a dog, private schooling, beach and ski holidays, no money worries… and I wonder. I wonder if I’m making the right choices.

In season two, we’ll make our way through four years, from one to five, across continents, cultures, careers, seasons, struggles, successes. We’re moving forward, in ten episodes, drawing from the past, cherishing the present, heading toward an optimistic future.

Here’s the crux of it Astrid. Your childhood is my priority and for you to thrive, I need to thrive too. So, let’s find our way there, together.

Episode 21 will be out in two weeks, with new episodes every two weeks or so, dependent on, you know, life. Thanks for listening. It’s good to be back.

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery, and with the support of generous listeners.

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

My Luck by Broke For Free.

Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License:

Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

I’m now on Patreon! If you’d like to support the series with a small donation to each new episode, you can do it here: https://www.patreon.com/notbyaccident

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.

Thanks for listening. It’s good to be back.

Ep 20: The Tunnel Mar 05, 2017

Show notes

Sometimes the grind of life can get you down. That’s where I am as we reach spring 2014. The birds are singing again, the walks between childcare and home become a lovely opportunity to be together. Each day a little brighter than the last. But I’m tired. Always tired. I struggle to find my role again in the shifting landscape at work, and the role of work in the shifting landscape of my life. I have a dull ache in a tooth. Later. I’ll deal with it later. Three years. It’s taken me three years to deal with that tooth. I put it off until I couldn’t anymore. It was stupid to leave it, but I have been lucky, again. With the pain in my head came nights of insomnia, a racing heart and anxiety. It was about more than the tooth. It was about the money, the podcast, the moths, the feeling that life was beating me. We moved back home last month to a moth infestation. I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t just rise above it, sort it out. It won’t go away by itself! Just like the tooth. Then, as it is since you came along, in the middle of my little crisis, an oasis. You turn four! During the celebrations, I take my dad aside. Enough of living in denial. It’s a year since I started making this podcast. 20 episodes. I haven’t wanted to let anyone down so I haven’t allowed myself to take a real break, and making this podcast, all alone, is hard. It’s hard work, and it’s emotionally hard. It’s time to rest, take stock, get life under control, live a little, make some money, try to be a better than usual mother, daughter, sister, friend. I’ll read, watch and listen to other people’s stories, and slowly make my way back to ours. With all my heart, passion, energy and focus, the way I started a year ago. Sometimes the grind of life can get you down, and sometimes that means adjusting course. This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund. Thanks to my colleagues, my family, my friends and my daughter for your support, in life and with this podcast. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Protect Me and Global Culture Collision by Candlegravity; Cylinder Six by Chris Zabriskie. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. US listeners, support the series and eat well! Hello Fresh is my first sponsor. Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins! Care.com are our new sponsors! To save 30% off a Premium membership—and receive a $15 credit that you can use toward paying your caregiver, visit care.com/noaccident when you subscribe. We’d like to know more about you, so please help us by filling up a quick survey at wondery.com/survey. It should take less than 5 minutes, and it really helps. Thanks!

Ep 19: Turning One Feb 14, 2017

Show notes

Episode 19: Turning One The shock of being back at work is becoming routine. Even the pre-sunrise race to childcare. I feel sorry for myself, and can't quite believe I made life choices that led us to this, as I force your pram through snow drifts, scarf guarding my face from the elements; you wrapped up like a bundle, bewildered, squinting to protect your eyes from the snow that whips across the landscape. It's ridiculously hard. Comically hard. I start to look at people with cars the same way I looked at people with jobs as an unemployed graduate: Do you even know how good your life is?! I fantasize about buying one. I've started saving. I fantasize about giving up and going home. Did I really choose this over Australian weather and our family? Spare moments start to fill with thoughts of your upcoming birthday. Your very first birthday. Packages arrive. I'm happier than if they were for me. The night before, I get a late night burst of pleasure rearranging the furniture and making a birthday display for you to wake up to. Imagining your delight makes me as delighted as anything can. Surpassed only by witnessing it. This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I'm supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund. Thanks to my colleagues, my family, my friends and my daughter for being part of the story. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Mell's Parade and High School Snaps by Broke For Free; Weathered Home 3: Bird Split Sky and Fieldtrip by Candlegravity. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. US listeners, support the series and eat well! Hello Fresh is my first sponsor. Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins! Care.com are our new sponsors! To save 30% off a Premium membership—and receive a $15 credit that you can use toward paying your caregiver, visit care.com/noaccident when you subscribe. Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch. We're having a survey blitz this month. Could you take 5 minutes to respond at wondery.com/survey? It helps. So do the iTunes reviews. Thank you kind listeners for the recent ones. I read them all and a nice review in the morning totally makes my day. We'll be back in two weeks.

Ep 18: First Day Back Jan 27, 2017

Show notes

I still don't know if I can do this. I start work tomorrow, after a whole year off, with sleep deprivation still affecting my memory and my ability to cope, with my emotions always close to the surface. I don't know if I can be the mother I want to be and do my job well enough that I'm not letting everybody down. I do know it's going to be really hard. I hadn't understood before you arrived how painful it would feel to be away from you. I hadn't understood that I couldn't leave you with just anybody. That you'd be a defenseless baby, just starting to crawl, when I went back to work after a generous year of maternity leave. I wish we had a few more months. Suddenly I have to be away from you for 8 hours a day, starting today, after having spent only hours away from you in your whole life until now. It physically hurts. I know I'm spoilt, I'm privileged. Thank you Denmark, I am forever grateful for the generous paid leave. I was only just starting to feel ready to leave the house at the point most women have to go back to work! It's been the best and most rewarding year of my life and I don't want it to end. To top it off, on Monday, it's my birthday. I'm 40. This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I'm supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: 'Simple Hop' and 'Caught in the Beat' by Broke For Free; 'Out of the Skies, Under the Earth' by Chris Zabriskie; 'Don’t Say Goodbye' by Candlegravity. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: 'Drop of Water in the Ocean' by Broke For Free. Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for your willingness to be part of the story. To Tally Abacissis who’s podcast series 'First Day Back' inspired more than the title of this episode. Finally, thanks, Michael for the coffee, and thank you, Jenny for the cake. US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins! Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch. I’ll be back, at work, in two weeks.

Ep 17: Tomorrow Morning Dec 24, 2016

Show notes

I’ve been thinking a lot about the expectation of an exchange: you help me move house, I’ll buy you pizza and beer; you babysit, I’ll do the same for you another day. I had thought it rare that people do things for others without expecting anything in return. I’ve been wrong. People have done things for me, particularly since I became a parent, when I couldn’t offer anything back but friendship and gratitude. Acts of kindness and generosity have come without judgement, even though I’m judging myself, feeling I should be able to do it all. They come not as an offer I can refuse, but as a statement of how it’s going to be. There is kindness and generosity and community all around, if you slow down enough to let it in. Summer has well and truly arrived, and I’ve barely stopped to look forward to the holidays. Weekdays have had the usual rhythm of childcare drop-offs, quiet days working alone, and happy reunions in the afternoons. I’ve been so grateful for this bunch of people who care about you and me and our family, who join me in a laugh or a winge, who let it pass if I struggle to make conversation when my mind is making its way back from somewhere else. Often these are the only adults I talk to all day and they’ve made this a much happier year for me too. Jenny and Grandpa are hosting Christmas this year. It’s going to be huge. A proper hot sunny suburban modern blended family Australian Christmas. This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund. Thanks to my family, my friends, our childcare centre and my daughter for being part of this podcast. Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Sidewalk Chalk by Broke For Free; Ink and Lifted by Dexter Britain. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins! Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch. We’ll be back late in January after the summer break, ready for a new year. From all of us to all of you, happy holidays!

Ep 16: The Emails Dec 14, 2016

Show notes

Crossing the world from Australia to Thailand to Denmark, ending my maternity leave, ending 2013. A sense of loss, a sense of anticipation and anxiety, a reminder of and reliance on great friendships, and a wonderful holiday. The emails tell the story, starting with this one: > Sent: Monday, 2 December 2013 1:17 AM > To: Diana; David; Charlotte; nicholas; Jennifer; Rebecca > Subject: Hi from Bangkok > > We have made it and everything went more smoothly than I'd dared to hope. No > blowouts, no tears (oh maybe a few from me), no squeals, a bassinet, happy neighboring passengers, successfully distracting toy > collection and even a decent nap. > > We're both exhausted and sensibly Astrid has gone to bed. I will follow > soon. > > Thanks all for your help and support this week. We couldn't have managed > without you. > > Love Soph This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I’m supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund. Thanks to my family, my friends, and my daughter for allowing me to talk about your lives. Thank you for the reviews, messages, and donations! I’m very very behind with my replies, but hearing from you means so much! Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Love Breaks, Deliberate Acts of Kindness and We’re Not That Different by Candlegravity; Pattern 4 by Cyan341. Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free. US listeners, support the series and eat well. Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins! Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch. I’ll be back for Christmas, in about two weeks.

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