Martini Shot

Let Them See You Sweat Oct 30, 2024

The Ankler recently launched The Ladder, a hub for early career entertainment professionals, which has Rob Long wondering one thing: What are these people thinking? Gone are the days where a 24-year-old like Rob could come to L.A. and months later be staffed on a show like Cheers, or make a lot of money specializing in just story beats or jokes. Today, you have to be a “multi-hyphenate,” or, to put it in Rob’s old Hollywood lingo, a “sweat act” — able to do a little bit of everything.

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'I'm Working on a Cancer Comedy' Oct 23, 2024

A normal person, when a friend tells them about their broke dad with cancer, think this is a sad story; this poor guy; how can I help? Not Rob Long. He latches on to the part of the story about the dad having to move in with his New-Age vegan daughter to be closer to the hospital, and begins to wonder could this be a pitch?

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Botox and Fillers Oct 16, 2024

We perform plastic surgery on a lot of things in Hollywood — even history. Say you’ve got an amazing true story about the highest-ranking woman in the mafia, as Rob Long once did, but you don’t know how many people she killed. Why not make it lots of them? Now it’s not quite true, it’s “based on true events,” but good enough. As Rob can attest, there’s not a story in the world — true or not — that couldn’t use a little Botox.

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Sell the House Oct 09, 2024

Like many writers, Rob Long enjoys opining on writing more than actual writing. There’s no greater procrastination than, say, teaching a class on “maintaining focus.” Meanwhile, there are other writers at their computers, getting ideas out the door that are getting pitched first. Which may be when it’s time for procrastinators to turn to the best TV writing hack of all time: Sell the house.

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Indiana...Smith? Or Jones? Oct 02, 2024

Indiana Smith didn’t sound quite right to Spielberg and Lucas, so they changed it to Indiana Jones — and the rest is history. You never know what’s going to work and what’s going to fail. Or why. That’s part of what makes notes, a pillar of Rob Long’s existence, so tricky. Because sometimes you should play ball with what a network wants. But other times you might need to pull a Sinatra: “My Way.”

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You Must Answer the Questions About Feet Sep 25, 2024

It’s not easy being blunt in Hollywood, with a lot of time spent dancing around the truth. Is a network or studio actually interested in the pitch? How much money are they willing to pay? That’s why it’s worth remembering the fan letter an actress friend of Rob Long’s received, where the sender was less invested in her career than making sure she answered his more prurient podiatry queries. After all, someone has to ask for what you want, get to the point and keep everyone focused on the important things, which is how Rob finds himself praising, yes, his agent.

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TV's New Old Ideas Sep 18, 2024

When a fading comedian says they want new material, that's not what they want. What they want is “new old material,” meaning fresh jokes that sound like the ones they’ve already told. Hollywood today finds itself in the same predicament: needing new shows that feel like the old ones. Because, as Rob Long points out, the comforting and the familiar are what audiences crave — like Italian food — and can fix an industry today broken right down the middle.

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But How Does This Affect Me? Sep 11, 2024

Rob Long has tried everything: Meditation, free writing, morning pages — all in an effort to be more present, to get out of reading trade headlines and reflexively wondering, But how does this benefit me? In an industry pathologically insular and insecure, it’s hard to imagine the world outside. Now with Hollywood in desperate need of a shakeup, Rob’s going first: He reveals the surprise masters degree he’s now pursuing and you won’t believe it. Just don’t say he left showbiz.

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A Heartwarming Tax ID Number Sep 04, 2024

Writing is a tough, lonely profession. One of its worse qualities: the payment structure, broken up into a zillion little pieces, withheld in full until the bitter end and altogether utterly unpredictable. The whole charade can make someone like Rob Long, understandably, crazy. That’s why, when a production company asks for a tax ID number, or a residual check comes in at $12, not $11, it’s hard not to get a little emotional.

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The Juicy Backstage Stuff Aug 28, 2024

When tourists trek to Hollywood for their summer vacations, they want a look at the glamour they see onscreen. Instead they get Hollywood Boulevard, and filthy Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck in a fist-fight. Yet when the tourists disappear and the season turns, so do Rob Long’s emotions: Into fears about age, the business passing him by, why he never had another career. But then, as reliable as Labor Day on the calendar, he puts the costume back on again.

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Hide Your Job on a Plane Aug 21, 2024

Ever tell the strangersitting next to you on a flight what you do for a living? If you work in entertainment, your seatmate likely will first say, “Have I seen anything you worked on?” and then, “You know what you should do a show about?” And forget about answering the question about how your job exactly works. Because the rules of TV writing and the business have all the inconclusiveness and ambiguity of an annoying French sitcom.

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How the Sweaty Guy Wins Jul 31, 2024

Why is it thatthe sweaty, doughy production assistants of decades past become the power brokers and “maximized” types of today? It’s the same reason the prolific, focused writers — regardless of quality — are able to get things made: They’re the ones actually sweating.

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An Ode to Bob Newhart Jul 24, 2024

When he heard news of Bob Newhart’s death, Rob Long reached into an old shoebox to find a picture of himself with the comedy legend. Like many who had such a memento, his first thought was, “Get that image on Instagram pronto.” But he held off. Why? Because if he learned one thing from the man known for comedic timing, it’s that sometimes less is more. Sometimes it’s better to take a pause, clear your throat and just say . . . Bob Newhart was the best.

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Parking on the Top Floor Jul 03, 2024

During Rob Long’s first job at Paramount, he would see a dusty, silver DeLorean on level two every day in the parking structure as he rolled in late for his gig on a hit show. Despite all the 1986 flash it signaled, its license plate gave the game away: That person had been on a popular show and now wasn’t. Everyone in Hollywood thinks they’ll always be parking on five, a place where you set your own hours and are flush with cash, but could end up, say, like Candle Media, back on two. So, Rob advises, maybe hang on to that Subaru.

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Forgiving and Forgetting Jun 26, 2024

Grudges and feuds make Hollywood go ‘round. But sometimes, they are so longstanding that, as Rob Long learned, the aggrieved sometimes forget why they’re even mad. Which is why Rob is an advocate for, if not forgiveness, at least forgetfulness. Because without it, we wouldn’t be repeating the constant storytelling themes of friendship, money and family. And people would know that Succession was really just Dynasty.

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The Showrunner & the FedEx Jun 19, 2024

In this ageof contraction, Hollywood is full of unemployed showrunners grinding out half fleshed-out pilot ideas. But a great sense of story isn’t the only attribute needed to be a showrunner. It also requires decisiveness, self-awareness and preparedness. And that last trait applies to more than just running a show. Just ask the medical professionals that put together Rob Long’s “home collection kit.”

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No Place for Thinkers Jun 12, 2024

As a child, Rob watched old sitcoms like Gilligan’s Island and Bewitched while pretending to do homework. He likes to say that his slacking off prepared him for the writing career he has now. Sure, he learned sitcom structure, but more important, by neglecting his schoolwork, he became less of a thinker. And in show business, thinkers just mess things up.

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Money, Real Estate & Secrets Jun 05, 2024

When Rob Long soldhis house in Venice Beach for his move to New York, the question from neighbors was universal: “When did you buy your house?” In other words, it wasn’t about where he was going, but how much money he was making. Selling high, of course, requires also believing things will get worse. Not hard in showbiz these days. Which explains why Rob recently found himself on the subway into the city from JFK.

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Are You a Showbiz Clown or Monkey? May 29, 2024

Show business largely operates on what Rob Long calls the “Monkey-Clown Relationship.” Sometimes you’re the monkey who loses it and attacks the clown. Sometimes you’re the clown, waiting in fear of the monkey ripping your face off. Increasingly, though, as the industry gets tougher, Rob’s friends aren’t waiting for the monkey to snap, they’re wondering if they should call it a day. But some may end up the tough clown that stays in there, fighting. Supreme logo and all.

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Lessons of 'Lenny & Squiggy' May 22, 2024

Rob Long worked on the Paramount lot 15 years, and the pilot of Lenny & Squiggy — a spinoff of Laverne & Shirley — was a ghost that haunted the grounds, so mercilessly rejected by a focus group that the tape disappeared. Forever. Which makes Rob wonder: How can one hack a hackneyed system where random people are selected to give an opinion on your show — and the studio listens? There are ways. Ethics aside, of course.

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Gaslit in TV Land May 15, 2024

Everybody knows that one William Goldman quote: “Nobody knows anything.” But, Rob Long asserts, sometimes, people know something you don’t. And that’s where the mystery of the industry lies. Because as much shakra and selenite crystal as you can harness, your fate lies in the hands of others, and that can require going to desperate measures to maintain your sanity.

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Famous vs. Unfamous May 08, 2024

Movie stars and aristocrats are just like you and me: They put their trousers on one leg at a time. We don’t really have a proper aristocracy anymore, so there goes half that saying. But do we even have stars? Rob Long considers what a star was, what a star is, and what it means for the industry. Also, if you should wear a t-shirt with your name on it.

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Paramount: Buy, Sell, Fight May 01, 2024

Rob knows a quote . . . from which Chinese philosopher, he’s not sure. It goes, “If you sit by the river long enough, you will see the body of your enemy float by.” Showbiz translation: If you stay in Hollywood long enough, you’ll see Paramount bought and sold many times over.

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Dumpster Diving on the Studio Lot Apr 24, 2024

No doubt, the internet and technology vastly improvedthe tedious labor of writing scripts and making revisions. But Rob Long believes something was lost in the disappearance of an actual paper trail: Archaeological artifacts that reveal the process of jokes moving, characters losing lines, and test audiences wanting (and getting) a happy ending. And it turns out, like his friend, you didn’t even need to read Save the Cat! to learn how to write TV. All you needed was to roll up your sleeves and sift through the studio garbage.

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Burger King Kids Club Apr 17, 2024

Remember the Burger King Kids Club, the chain’s ad campaign targeted to “the kids?” There was Kid Vid, the white, video game-playing leader; Jaws, the Black kid who loved to eat; and a boy in a wheelchair named (seriously) Wheels. The idea, Rob Long speculates, must have been devised at one of those offsite retreats, the kind TV execs love to do in Laguna. But hits rarely are born from suits tossing around banal concepts. Instead they begin with a writers’ novel idea, the equivalent of a delicious-looking hamburger.

Also, we’ve been nominated for a Webby Award, vote for us here by April 18th!

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Gossipy, Critical, Snippy Apr 10, 2024

Legendary fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld once complained about the way a room was decorated: “It was a lot of Louis Quinze mixed with Louis Seize,” he said. And then added: “Ugh!” The entertainment business runs on this sort of Lagerfeldian Ugh, a sort of lingua franca of Hollywood. But what if we tried, just for a while, to not slag others as conversational filler? Rob Long says then, very likely, you could expect a whole lot of deafening silence.

Also, we’ve been nominated for a Webby Award, vote for us here by April 18th!

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'It Only Made, Like, $50 Million' Apr 03, 2024

Howard the Duck might not have won Best Picture, but if you’re a sandwich shop worker, or a young Rob Long at lunch with high-up producers, it’s probably best not to espouse how big a flop you thought it was. See, failure in Hollywood is a relative term. Movies fail, pilots fail, but after a failure of your own, it’s tough to see anything that makes it to the screen as defeat — especially if it came with a check. After all, getting paid in show business is getting paid to try. The later checks — the bigger ones — are about getting paid to succeed.

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The '10 Pages in One Night' Trick Mar 27, 2024

When Orson Welles found an investor for a cheap little noir thriller, legend has it he devised a scheme. His opening sequence took up almost 10 pages of script, with descriptions and action all spread out. Except when he actually filmed it, he used only a high-tension, 12-minute “virtuoso” single tracking shot that became signature to Touch of Evil — but also fooled execs into thinking he’d be under budget and on time every day. As genius as Welles’ move was, Rob Long says he was also a practitioner of Haraka Baraka. And you should be too.

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The Scariest Word in Hollywood Mar 20, 2024

Sixty percent of Americans say they read the Bible regularly. But in Hollywood, where Jesus and religion can feel — how do you say it — downmarket, people rely instead on the series bible, where writers flesh out their TV series’ characters, situations and possible future episodes. But Rob Long suggests Hollywood, much like he has, take a fresh look at the Bible — the one with a capital B, no IP rights, and packed with tragedy, sex and human weakness fit for a limited series.

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Shut Up and Pitch Mar 06, 2024

When Rob Long pitches anything these days, he knows that he’s not going to sell that idea in the room. That’s over. But he wouldn’t be upset if he didn’t hear, “Fun stuff. We’ll talk internally and get back to you.” What’s fun about that? If we can identify fun — rather than fun stuff — the entertainment industry can get back to being like that big, noisy party Rob throws, with a supermarket ham and cheap booze. Overthink it, and the party’s over.

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We Cannot Be Boring Feb 28, 2024

Rob Long loved his tailor — a man who ran his shop with unpredictable, cigarette-stained weirdness. But when he died, the business became faster, and it was easier to communicate with the staff. It was even open into the evenings. The new and improved shop certainly made for a better business. But the old tailor, for all his idiosyncrasies, was highly entertaining. And that is why Rob is not as worried about AI as many other people are. It may be more efficient, but can it pull a hilarious non-sequitur when you really need one?

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I Don’t Get Any Important Phone Calls Feb 21, 2024

Rob Long’s friend once wrote a line for a TV show where a character reveals he doesn’t have voicemail. You see, the character, explains, “I don’t get important phone calls.” The network executive in charge, however, was not having it, bellowing that no one would care about someone not important enough to not get important calls. And that was that. Rob himself has thoughts on the function assistants play as status symbol in the industry— and what his trip in a shipping container from Seattle to Shanghai may say about it all.

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The Imaginary List of Approved Writers Feb 14, 2024

Liza Minelli, Private Detective. Sounds pretty good, right? Unfortunately, the series — Rob Long’s brainchild — will never see the light of day. Rob was told Minelli was “not available,” and in show business, when someone’s unavailable, you move on. It’s one of those unwritten rules, or mysterious studio lists, that we all believe in. But are any of them actually true?

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If Lucy Ran a TV Network Feb 07, 2024

Whether trekking to the cable store or preparing for the TSA line, Rob Long expects disappointment. Not because he’s inherently negative, you see. Show business, and all its grinding rejection, has molded him into a pessimist. So, Rob questions whether we are all too invested in our work here (the answer: yes). And how we can be prepared — and ready — for the time Lucy hands us the ball.

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Fragile Egos Don't Take Fountain Jan 24, 2024

Bette Davis famouslyanswered “take Fountain” — an L.A. street with fewer lights — when asked her advice for actors starting out. Thing is, the questioner didn’t actually want practical advice. In fact, most of us say we want the truth when we actually prefer our feelings to be protected. Which is why executives wind up delivering notes with fluffy preamble, and why Rob Long was once taken aback when asked if his canceled show meant — ouch — that he was “washed up.”

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Cover Charge and a Minimum Jan 17, 2024

Every question that comes up in Hollywood these days is really a variation on money, and the big one on everyone’s minds is: how are we going to make buckets of money in the TV business again? By reinventing an already reinvented model, says Rob Long. Hate the ad model coming for streaming? Well, Rob says consider it akin to the cover charge and drink minimum required to enter a jazz club.

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Hey, That's My Joke! Jan 11, 2024

Ever hear of iPartment? It was a Chinese knockoff of Friends, with some Big Bang Theory rolled in, that received complaints from viewers over lines and scenes ripped directly from these American shows. Outright joke stealing is, of course, wrong, but Rob Long can’t help but also ponder the full spectrum of today's content “borrowing” — whether it’s stand-up about Hot Pockets or a dissertation from a certain Harvard ex-president.

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Hollywood's 2024 To-Don't List Jan 03, 2024

An entertainment CEO’s to-do list for the year could include, among other boring and depressing things: layoffs, a merger with Paramount, a sell-off of local TV stations, an acquisition of Lionsgate, and the making of one’s quarterly debt payment. Long to-do lists are, however, as a psychiatrist once told Rob Long, self-sabotage. So instead, he suggests to the powers-that-be: Make a big, crowd-pleasing comedy instead, one in the vein of Anchorman or Zoolander. It’ll be the perfect antidote to doom and anxiety — and might even win your audience back.

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My Holiday Cure for Greed Dec 21, 2023

Rob Long loves Christmas presents — expensive ones, preferably — and money. Lots of money. It’s an affliction that impacts everyone in entertainment, he argues, where enough is never enough. Even during a particularly confusing and hard year, we’re lucky to be able to complain about the work most of us do, which Rob realized at the paint store. And while Rob may not be personally calling you for money, he’s asking for your donations anyway to his favorite charity.

Head to My Friend’s Place, Rob’s charity of choice, to help support youth experiencing homelessness.

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Get Paid for Doing Nothing Dec 13, 2023

This week, Rob Long remindsus that nobody likes to work for free — which is why, more often than not, writers find themselves in a tricky predicament. In an ideal world, a writer gets hired off a pitch. But other times, the writer ends up drafting a script on spec, a.k.a for free. And even when a writer does sell a pitch, the executives who buy it likely won’t be around long enough to actually produce the script, thus rendering it no different from a spec (minus the small upfront fee). It’s enough to make a writer want to be a producer. Free money! Just ask Rob.

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Murder, But Make it Funny Dec 06, 2023

According to Karl Marx, “history repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce.” And in the eyes of Rob Long, so, too, does material in the entertainment industry. When something works as a drama, for example, people will try to find a way to jigger it into a comedy (cue the side-splitting version of Breaking Bad). Most films and shows these days are just a retread of something else. But as Rob explains, small tweaks can have a big impact — in the same way a loudmouth in a movie theater can break a poignant moment by uttering a single word.

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You Do Me Great Honor Nov 29, 2023

This week, Rob Long explains his number one rule for sharing emotions in entertainment-industry relationships: Don’t. After all, the best and longest-lasting relationships in Hollywood are the ones that stay frozen in place, uncomplicated by unnecessary interactions until there’s a business reason to reconnect. Also: never confuse love for you with the love of money (as one might be inclined to do with network execs), and don’t ever feel pressure to say “I love you” back to anyone. Instead, consider the alternative, “You do me great honor.”

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The Fix-It Rule Nov 22, 2023

When asked an honest opinion about someone’s appearance, you’ve likely enacted the Fix-It Rule: that is, if someone has the ability to do something about it — a stray hair, for example — you say something; if it’s congenital, well, you keep your mouth shut (or lie). That philosophy extends to Hollywood too, where almost everything is fixable, but everyone — even the most talented among us — has the capacity for at least one truly terrible, unsalvageable piece of work. How you move on from it, explains Rob, makes all the difference.

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Success is Contagious. So is Failure Nov 15, 2023

Ever notice the insecurity of those flying to and from L.A.? Everyone is discretely eyeballing everyone else, figuring out who is in first class, and — in the case of one agent Rob Long met at the airport — over-explaining why he was not. You see, in an industry where people rise and fall, and often outright disappear, visible status symbols take on absurd importance. As does creating the appearance that everything is going just great! Which is why Hollywood euphemisms were born — and why Rob always writes his name in big letters on a script.

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The Locker Room Encounter Nov 09, 2023

Bone marrow biopsy? Hahahaha. Or so says Rob Long, who, after his procedure (he was fine!) was able to find the comedy — something that weirdly arrives in the wake of high-stakes moments, particularly around death, disease and crisis. So the world seems like it’s falling apart, but this time for real? As a writer who has spent decades in the comedy business, Rob sees opportunity. Cue the fat guy and the fit guy in the locker room.

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The Danger Zone Nov 01, 2023

With the writers strike ended, execs all over town are figuring out which pitches they agreed to pre-walkout actually will get produced. Like chefs taking food out of the freezer, suits give a sniff test — assessing what kept on ice can be safely thawed out, and which should be tossed. And as Rob Long explains, the most dangerous place to be — in a kitchen or show business — is in this defrosting stage, where bacteria and spoilage set in.

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Optimism and Gratitude Oct 25, 2023

The industry today sorely lacks optimism, says Rob. How to get it back? Harness the memory of your early-career freedom.

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