Losers, Pretenders & Scoundrels

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The Most Horribly Inbred Monarch, Ever Feb 08, 2022

Show notes

Carlos II was terribly inbred! Horribly so. The most quantifiably overbred Hapsburg to date, he was *more* inbred than if a brother and sister married.

Unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate this sad, sad king, and the greater issue of royal genetic overlap.

The Pirate Rabbi Feb 03, 2022

Show notes

Samuel Palacci (c. 1550 - 1615) was a diplomat, merchant, pirate, and double agent. He worked in the employ of the Sultan of Morocco, then after obtaining a free trade agreement with the Dutch, began preying on Spanish galleons as a seafaring rabbanical pirate. Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young discuss this colorful character.

Emperor Norton of San Francisco Jan 25, 2022

Show notes

The eccentric Joshua Abraham Norton wound up proclaiming himself Emperor of the United States, and Protector of Mexico. While few people ever recognized him as a legit sovereign, he did get to become the beloved and unofficial mascot of San Francisco. Unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate this colorful pretender.

The Cranky Noseless Emperor Jan 18, 2022

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Justinian II of the Byzantine Empire should have been disqualified from the crown after a usurper cut his nose off. But nope! He climbed back to power anyway over a hill of bloody corpses. Unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate this dark, disfigured monarch.

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition! Jan 11, 2022

Show notes

Torquemada kicked off the Spanish Inquisition, which is regarded by many historians as "not very fun" for the people afflicted by it.

Unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate the original "High Sparrow" of religious zealotry.

Emperor Claudius Killed a Whale Jan 04, 2022

Show notes

Claudius (10 BC to AD 54) was the unlikeliest of aspirants to the Roman imperium. He suffered from what was probably Cerebral Palsy, which effected his speech and movements, was reviled by his family, and spent much of his life gambling and womanizing.

Unlicensed historians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate the longshot emperor.

Perkin Warbeck, Fake King of England Dec 28, 2021

Show notes

No one knows what happened to the "Princes in the Tower." Presumably Richard III had them snuffed. Unfortunately for the English monarchy, decades later a charismatic pretender would claim to be the rightful king: Perkin Warbeck. Or, as he maintained, King Richard IV. Comedians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young investigate the colorful pretender.

The Krampus, Saint Nick, and Mushroom Trips Dec 21, 2021

Show notes

WTF is Krampus? How does a third-century bishop become the Arctic gift-giving character at the mall? What on Earth does he have to do with psychedelic mushrooms?

Unlicensed historians Andrew Young and Andrew Heaton dig deep into Christmas mythology!

White Dude, King of the Indians Dec 14, 2021

Show notes

If William Augustus Bowles' plans had come true, the independent State of Muscogee would have separated Spanish Florida from American advancement, and Creek, Cherokee, and Seminole Indians would have united to form a powerful bloc.

Comedians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young follow this colorful character, and consider how very differently the map of modern North America would look if he had succeeded.

Custer Had a Spiffy Mustache Dec 06, 2021

Show notes

William Armstrong Custer was a meteoric success. . . until he very much wasn't.

Comedians Andrew Heaton and Andrew Young analyze the general's life, accomplishments, and failures.

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