Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life

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Episode 20 - Trust: Once burnt twice shy? Apr 26, 2018

Show notes

Trust: Once burnt twice shy?

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

Trust—the act of placing confidence in someone or something else—is a fundamental human experience, necessary for society to function and for any person to be relatively happy. Without it, fear rules.

If you can sense that someone will hurt you, you’re probably right. They probably will hurt you.

Your heart and your head will wage a civil war within you, and though all of your practical sensibilities will encourage — no, will urge — your head to secede, your heart will prevail in this scenario.

"To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float." Alan Watts

Here’s three common reasons that hold you back from trusting others: 1. You have a low propensity to trust – Our propensity to trust is based on many factors, chief among them being our personality, early childhood role models and experiences, beliefs and values, culture, self-awareness and emotional maturity.

2. You have unrealistic expectations – Unrealistic, unspoken, and unclear expectations are a primary cause for low or broken trust in relationships, and the higher the expectations the more likely it is they won’t be met. Clarifying expectations is preventative medicine when it comes to trust.

3. Past hurts hold you back – Hurt people, those who have been hurt by broken relationships in the past often hurt other people in a dysfunctional form of self-protection.

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new" - Albert Einstein

Everyone has uncertainty about whom to trust, how much to trust, when not to trust, and so forth at one time or another. In fact, every day we make choices about whom and how much to trust, and sometimes we are more willing to trust than at other times.

Signs that a person may be excessively mistrustful include:

A total lack of intimacy or friendships due to mistrust Mistrust that interferes with one's primary relationship Several intensely dramatic and stormy relationships in a row or at once

Mistrust is a valid and reasoned response to feeling betrayed or abandoned, but a person's life can be adversely affected when feelings of mistrust are pervasive, resulting in anxiety, anger, or self-doubt.

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough" - Frank Crane

The problem with thinking that people aren’t trust worthy If you believed in any idea then your subconscious mind will gather for you all the clues that proves this idea true.

If a girl thinks that she should never trust a guy then her subconscious mind will let her fall in love with a liar who will then cheat on her just to prove to her that she should not trust anyone.

That’s why some women tend to always get into abusive relationships. Because they think that all men are abusers their subconscious minds always finds them abusive guys to support their beliefs.

How to Trust people Again

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them" - Ernest Hemingway

Whenever you have problems trusting someone ask yourself these questions, if someone wasn’t trust worthy does this mean that the whole world is not? If I had a car accident one day does this mean that I should not cross the street anymore?

Whenever you find yourself prejudging others remind yourself that your subconscious mind can prove this idea even if it was false. The only way you can find the truth about people is avoiding any kind of bias, only then you will discover who is really trust worthy and who isn’t . Allow others to trust you by being honest. People who cheat on others and who lie often usually have problems trusting others because they think that everyone else is going to be like them.

"Love all. Trust a few. Do wrong to none." William Shakespeare

Episode 19 - Opinions: Everyone and their dog has one Apr 19, 2018

Show notes

Opinions: Everyone and their dog has one

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

"Opinion is the medium between knowledge and ignorance" - Plato

Humans are social animals.

-We spend our entire lives applying for acceptance into a social circles. Whether it be a clique at school, a university, a job with a company, or a movement, we’re always looking for a pace to belong.

-When your community starts to form negative opinions about you, your work, or any other aspect of your life, you naturally start to feel insecure. Your sense of safety dissolves and you feel forced to fight back or run away and hide in your room for the rest of eternity.

1.) Calibrate and trust your internal compass. First and foremost, you have to have a strong sense of who you are.

If you don’t know who you are, anyone’s misinformed opinion can shatter your entire sense of self worth. This forms your internal compass which you have to trust. Trust yourself and trust that you can, and do, make good decisions.

"Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought" - John F Kennedy

2.) Get comfortable disagreeing with others. Just because someone doesn’t agree with you (personally or professionally) doesn’t mean their shitty shit-faced people who should be skewered and fed to a shit load of shitty dinosaurs. As long as you’ve completed #1 you should have no problem having a fun discussion about your differing opinions with others.

3.) Practice, practice, practice. Speak your mind often. But practice honesty with mindfulness and kindness, as previously covered.

Now, don’t go out and start giving unsolicited free advice. That’s annoying. But whenever you’re in a position to give your opinion or contribute to a discussion, do it. The more practice you have speaking your mind, the more negative (and positive) feedback you’ll get. You’ll naturally get better at handling this feedback in a way that’s not self-destructive.

"Stubborn and ardent clinging to one's opinion is the best proof of stupidity" - Michel de Montaigne

4.) Manage your expectations. What are you expecting from this person and what conclusion are you drawing from their opinion? Do you expect everyone to like you or what you do?

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation" - Oscar Wilde

5.) Get real. The majority of the opinions other people have about you will not affect you. The world doesn’t change just because people agree with you.

If you’re not ok with who you are, all of the positive feedback in the world won’t make you like yourself while one negative opinion will shatter your fragile, fictional sense of self-worth.

It’s Ok

I’m not asking you to ignore everyone’s opinion. I’m not telling you not to care about the opinions of others. I’m not even asking you not to feel bad over negative opinions.

"The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions" Leonardo Da Vinci

Episode 18 - Part 2: 3 Ps in driving success: Patience, Perseverance, Persistence Apr 12, 2018

Show notes

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

Perseverance.

Definition: consistent continuation in the act of a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties,obstacles, or discouragement.

"Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but by perseverance." - Samuel Johnson

Perseverance is the continuation of commitment through action in spite of the lack of success. It is also the ability to overcome the repetitiveness of problems from difficult situations. Perseverance is all about having stamina and endurance during the time of struggle.

"With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable" - thomas fowell buxton

Whether you’re working to master a skill that will qualify you for the next step up in your profession, or fielding interruptions from kids while you try to finish a household task, your success often hinges on your ability to refocus on your goal again and again.

"The key to success is action, and the essential in action is perseverance." - Sun Yat-sen

Always keep an end goal and the bigger picture in mind. If you want something different out of life, you need to act and be different. If you want the same as everyone else then you can act the same as everyone else. Trust me, that’s much easier. It’s easy to swim with the school. It’s much more difficult to swim upstream and go against the grain. But you have to persevere and be more than the average. You need to ask yourself what you want out of life. Is it worth persevering for?

"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did". - Newt Gingrich

Persistence.

Definition: to continue steadfastly or firmly in some state, purpose, course of action, or the like

Persistence is the choice to continue something, in spite of difficulty and opposition, and struggle to achieve that goal. The single-mindedness of a person brings out the dedication that he or she wants and needs in order to achieve their dream.

"A river cuts through a rock not because of it's power but it's persistence" - Jim Watkins

All of us have plans, but we plan with the ideal outcomes in mind. Unfortunately, life never turns out that way. A tragedy could occur; some unfortunate circumstance. Anything basically; that could throw your plan out of the window. Instead; persist. Stick to your plan. Ignore the noise. Keep a spreadsheet on your computer, a picture on your wall, a scale in the bathroom, a checklist on your refrigerator. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Whatever you need to keep reminding yourself why you’re doing whatever you’re doing and keep persisting.

"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb" - Nelson Mandela

Sometimes persistence is mind-numbingly boring. It's just part of the process.

A lack of persistence or "giving up too soon" is one of the most common reasons for failure in any endeavor. A little more persistence, a little more effort is sometimes what you need to get closer to the goal.

"If you wish to be out front, act as if you were behind." —Lao Tzu

Again, all the planning and preparation is important. But it doesn't stop there. And, in the long run, you'll need patience along with perseverance to overcome the inevitable obstacles you'll run into in your journey down the path of success.

Perseverance is the intentional and creative part of endurance. Being patient and persistent will get you started on your journey. Persevering will use the patience and persistence you've developed to overcome the many different obstacles you'll encounter along the road to success. Keeping on is persistence and the definition of perseverance: to keep on keeping on .

"Winners never quit, and quitters never win" - Vince Lombardi

Episode 18 - Part 1: 3 Ps in driving success: Patience, Perseverance, Persistence Apr 05, 2018

Show notes

3 Ps in driving success: Patience, Perseverance, Persistence

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/malcolm-levene/the-relevance-of-the-3-ps-patience-perseverance- persistence_b_9608116.html

Patience.

Definition: able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious. As the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

"Patience is bitter, but it's fruit is sweet" - Aristotle

Be patient

Go through all the steps of research, development and marketing. But just because you know better than to fall for the slick, get-rich-quick scams.

This is hard. You may be unemployed and going into business just because you can't find work. You need the money and it's tempting to rush the process. Keep your feelings and motivations in mind and monitor yourself.

The best way to speed up the process is to use your strengths and/or enter a market you already know thoroughly because you are part of it. Make a product you already know very well how to make that matches the market.

Remember, no matter how well you've done your job, significant results are unlikely to come quickly. You may start receiving income right away, but it probably won't be huge. (Unless, of course, you are already well-known or get interviewed on Oprah.) Be patient, in most instances overnight success takes a while.

Patience is absolutely necessary if you want to achieve anything. Almost nothing in life is instant, unless you go out and win the lottery. You have to know that the best things in life are worth working hard and waiting for. Great achievements often take years to attain. And so you also must need to have patience. Any great goal you have in life likely requires a long period of sustained effort. If you lack patience, you’ll likely burn out and give up before you reach the promised land. Don’t give up!

"The secret of patience is to do something else in the meantime." -Croft M. Pentz

tempering your ego, and reducing an over inflated sense of importance. Ego tends to heighten the all about me syndrome. So when things are not going our way, we tend to become irritable, lose patience and want it now! That used to be me. Then, by realising that I wasn’t the most important item in the lives of others, my awareness kicked in, as did my empathy. I do expect others to find their way to doing so. With more patience, our personal growth becomes a smoother journey. One way to reduce our impatience is to lower our expectations. That way, almost any response, or no response becomes more acceptable.

"A moment of Patience in a moment of Anger saves a thousand moments of Regret." - Ali Ibn Abu Talib

Episode 17 - Gratitude: the 1st step towards spreading kindness Mar 29, 2018

Show notes

Gratitude: the 1st step towards spreading kindness

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

http://happierhuman.com/benefits-of-gratitude/

Gratitude - a feeling of appreciation or thanks. The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

- Gratitude makes us happier.

- Gratitude makes us nicer, more trusting, more social, and more appreciative. As a result, it helps us make more friends, deepen our existing relationships, and improve our marriage.

- Gratitude makes us healthier.

"Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot." - Hansa Merchant league

- Gratitude boosts our career. I’m not suggesting that criticism and self-focus don’t have a place in the workplace, but I think we’re overdoing it.

- Gratitude strengthens our emotions.

- Gratitude makes us more optimistic. Gratitude is strongly correlated with optimism. Optimism in turn makes us happier, improves our health, and has been shown to increase lifespan by as much as a few years

"Gratitude is riches, complaint is poverty" - Doris Day

- Gratitude reduces materialism. Materialism is strongly correlated with reduced well-being and increased rates of mental disorder. There’s nothing wrong with wanting more.

- Gratitude makes us less self-centered.

- Gratitude increases self-esteem. Imagine a world where no one helps you. Despite your asking and pleading, no one helps you.

"We often take for granted; the very things that most deserve our gratitude" -Cynthia Ozick

- Gratitude reduces feelings of envy. A small bit of jealousy or envy directed at the right target is motivating.

- Gratitude helps us bounce back.

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." - William Arthur Ward

-Choosing to be thankful causes you to stop looking outward for external reassurance, but to look inwardly and to remember the good fortune you've had, no matter how little it seems. - All of us could do better in life; that's a fact. But we could also do worse. And alot worse. This is the reality that we tend to take for-granted on a daily basis. In our quest for betterment and self-fulfillment, we tend (or choose) to overlook all the simple blessings that we have received in life.

- My response is that not only will a grateful attitude help—it is essential. In fact, it is precisely under crisis conditions when we have the most to gain by a grateful perspective on life. Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that gratitude will come easily or naturally in a crisis. It’s easy to feel grateful for the good things. No one “feels” grateful that he or she has lost a job or a home or good health or has taken a devastating hit on his or her retirement portfolio.

- But being grateful is a choice, a prevailing attitude that endures and is relatively immune to the gains and losses that flow in and out of our lives. When disaster strikes, gratitude provides a perspective from which we can view life in its entirety and not be overwhelmed by temporary circumstances. Yes, this perspective is hard to achieve—but my research says it is worth the effort.

- It works this way: Think of the worst times in your life, your sorrows, your losses, your sadness—and then remember that here you are, able to remember them, that you made it through the worst times of your life, you got through the trauma, you got through the trial, you endured the temptation, you survived the bad relationship, you’re making your way out of the dark. Remember the bad things, then look to see where you are now.

"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses." -Alphonse Karr

Episode 16: Dealing with hostility, keeping your head while everyone is losing theirs Mar 22, 2018

Show notes

Dealing with hostility, keeping your head while everyone is losing theirs

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

- In life; you can't choose the people you deal with, sometimes you can (i.e friends); but in other situations, you are stuck with people whom you may not be comfortable dealing with. That is a part and parcel of life; and you should consider it as a form of testing for yourself. - Don't Respond With Anger and don't inflame. "An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind" - Mahatma Gandhi. It's very natural to get upset when angry people confront you, regardless of whether their anger is justified. However, when somebody is being hostile and angry, reflecting the anger and/or hostility back never works. All you do is inflame the situation and invite further confrontation. Dealing with hostility involves looking at the bigger picture and seeing if winning this battle matters in the context of the bigger war. "Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." – Mark Twain - Don't respond, distance yourself emotionally and don't take it personally. People being angry and hostile doesn't mean that you're responsible for causing it. Sometimes, another person's anger has nothing to do with you. Sometimes the most effective way to hold up a mirror is to simply say nothing. When people are behaving badly, on some level deep inside, they know it. If they are really being hostile and continue to be aggressive, you might just respectfully walk away, saying, "Perhaps we should discuss this another time." “Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” — Paramhansa Yogananda - TRY to Identify the Cause and being the hero. View another's boorish behavior as an opportunity to gain respect. If you handle the situation calmly and in control, they will know it in their quiet moments of reflection. Furthermore, other people will become aware of the dignity with which you handled the situation, and you will thereby gain respect. Trying to determine why the person you're dealing with feels angry. -Let the person know you want to understand their feelings and perspective. If you don't understand them, ask for more information in a civil tone. They need to know that you really want to hear what they have to say. It's as if you're on the same side of the fence and are asking them for their help so you can understand them. - When working in emotionally demanding roles, chances are that you have to deal with angry people regularly. This "emotional labor" can be particularly draining, especially when people are not equipped to handle these situations. "Delicious baked goods were the great work hostility equalizer, no matter how unorthodox the workplace." - Molly Harper - Understand that offensive behavior is just on the surface of who they are. When speaking to them, talk to the deeper person underneath the hostility. Treat them as you would want to be treated. "if you avoid conflict to keep the peace you start a war inside yourself" - Cheryl Richardson - Communicate How You Feel. Sometimes a simple, firm, yet respectful statement like "It's not okay to speak that way" works well. You're simply letting the person know their behavior is not constructive but is, in fact, destructive and hurtful. -You may work or live with a person who frequently experiences angry outbursts. If so, once the anger has passed, it's important to communicate how this person's anger makes you feel. - Stay Safe, and Involve Others If you feel threatened by an angry person, trust your judgment. Leave the room immediately if you feel unsafe, or if you're too upset to resolve the situation on your own. Ask your boss or a trusted colleague to work with you to resolve the situation.

Episode 15 - Part 2: Luck. How far can it bring you? Mar 15, 2018

Show notes

Luck. How far can it bring you?

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

"I am a great believer in luck, and I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it" - Thomas Jefferson - Psychologists use the term hindsight bias to describe our tendency to think, after the fact, that an event was predictable even when it wasn’t. Hindsight bias, also known as the knew-it-all-along effect or creeping determinism, is the inclination, after an event has occurred, to see the event as having been predictable, despite there having been little or no objective basis for predicting it. People really don’t like to hear success explained away as luck—especially successful people. - Now when we tell stories, we're all biased; events that turned out negatively against us are easier to recall than those that were positive. Tom Gilovich calls this the headwinds/tailwinds Asymmetry - Life ultimately, is a numbers game. The more you put yourself out there, the harder you work, the more opportunities you expose yourself to; and the better your outcomes tend to be. Talk about future episode about the 3 Ps, Preserverence; patience and persistence. "Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity" - Lucius Annaeus Seneca - We should keep working and exposing ourselves to opportunities. Similar to our episode on challenges and failures, we need to keep going. Because; like life, luck is a numbers' game; but one which actually works in our favor. - We need to remember that there is a full spectrum to what we consider as luck. Very good luck could happen whereby some people just happen to make the right moves at the right time or happen to know the right people or end up in the right set of circumstances. Or Very bad luck. Some people make all the right moves, but it’s not the right time. We covered this specifically in our episode on failures; and why you should just treat it as a failed number and move on and try a new approach. - Luck might give you the first opportunity, but you have to be ready to act on it. Not making the most or giving your all for opportunities just because you have been hurt from past failures will mean that you are sabotaging your own chances of success. "Luck always seems to be against the man who depends on it" - Anon - In the end, there are 2 ways to look at luck. The passive attitude on luck. In this case, you assume that success is outside of your control, and there’s no point in trying to hard since you assume you won't get it. And the positive attitude on luck. - More important than luck though; is gratitude. Almost all of us born and located in peaceful, developed countries. Even though we may not be doing "well" or be very wealthy or as successful as we want to be; we are most definitely doing much better than a similar person in a 3rd world country or in a country with war. - Instead of looking at luck and seeing missed chances, look at the luck and good fortune you HAVE benefited from. Be thankful and grateful; because Gratitude strengthens our emotions. - we may even find that recognizing our luck increases our good fortune; when we give more and become more generous, we increase our opportunities inadvertently.

Episode 15 - Part 1: Luck. How far can it bring you? Mar 12, 2018

Show notes

Luck. How far can it bring you?

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2016/05/why-luck-matters-more-than-you-might- think/476394/

- Definition: success or failure apparently brought by chance rather than through one's own actions. - Most people give luck more credit than it is due. Sunny skies that happened when you REALLY needed it? Luck. Cloudy and rainy day on someone else's parade? Bad luck. Also, we tend to blame luck when sometimes, a lack of planning on our side could be more likely. - Luck means different things to different people. Some people pick up a coin and call it lucky. Some people pick up the same coin and call it unlucky because it's associated with some bad history. - Some people go even further and associate fortune and luck with religion instead. That they were "chosen" to receive such good fortune when it favors them. And the same would also take it personally when it goes against them. - Talk about my own experience with luck and how; generally, I'm considered an "unlucky" person except when it comes to what matters in life - career, work and money (sometimes). Luck is ultimately a perspective thing. "The amount of good luck coming your way depends on your willingness to act" - Barbara Sher - In Frans Johansson’s book The Click Moment; he states that for activities with clear fixed rules; sports, chess, and music — the only way to succeed is to put in more deliberate practice than your peers. For activities with rapidly evolving and changing rules — such as business or investing — success comes when you change the rules to a new configuration that catches the opportunity at just the right time. - The reality would be something more in the middle. In both activities; it is the deliberate act of persistence and not giving up which would eventually open up more opportunities.

Episode 14: Breaking the rules; and getting away with it Mar 08, 2018

Show notes

Breaking the rules; and getting away with it

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

"Ethical behavior is doing the right thing when no one else is watching- even when doing the wrong thing is legal." - Aldo Leopold

- Everybody loves a good "bad-boy" story about the person who broke rules and did well with it. - On the last episode on honesty, I talked about my gambling story and how I repaid my large debt. I'm not proud of what i did or why I had to do it but the point of that story was 2-fold; to illustrate that we all make mistakes and no one's perfect, and there are points in life where you have to make exceptions for what you believe in. - Life's never as simple as black-and-white. There's no one "final" or "one-size-fits-all" approach to everything. Which is both a good thing and bad. Good that because we know none of us are perfect; we will never be able to attain some kind of standard that needs to be met or applied. - Despite what it sounds like, people break the rules quite normally and on a daily basis. People cut queues, run through red lights; and while most of the times perfectly valid reasons, sometimes it can be mundane. - Every person who came to be regarded as a visionary had at some point or another, or even still continue to; break the rules. While that should not be used as an excuse, it's a good reminder that the people who set the rules themselves are failable and not perfect. - Talk about my own career and how I came to constitute a rule-breaker.

- However, it's always good to consider some "rules" when you're thinking about breaking the rules. - Knowledge; you know how to differentiate a situation from the norm that requires a difference in the treatment that constitutes a breaking of the rules. You know enough to realize that the rules don’t make sense or they're wrong and you know what EXACTLY is required to make it right. - You've calculated the risk. Breaking the rule shouldn't be a decision to be made in the heat of a moment or done emotionally. Make sure you've done all the research and expanded ALL the effort necessary to ensure you ABIDE to the rules. - You're prepared for the consequences. It's interesting to talk about rules in the United States because here is a country and government that was founded on precisely the concepts of rule breaking when it decided to revolt against England. It's been regarded as "cool" to break the rules; in fact the whole concept of disruption in business is to challenge and break the status quo. However, you need to be ready to face consequences. - There's a fine line between being reckless and breaking rules for the greater good. Common sense needs to be the rule of the day. We need to be able to develop good common sense to know when to follow the rules and when to violate them? When to preserve beautiful order and when to flirt with anarchy? - If all of this sounds complicated; that's because it is. There is NO hard-and-fast rule as well, pardon the pun. So; be prepared to break the rules ONLY IF you have thought hard about it.

Episode 13: Honesty, the only policy? Mar 01, 2018

Show notes

Honesty, the only policy?

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-ann-kennedy/is-honesty-really-the-bes_b_6171242.html

"Honesty without kindness, humor and goodheartedness can be just mean" - Pema Chodron

- Talk about introduction and how advise needs to be properly applied. Like would you want someone to tell you that you're ugly; although beauty is in the eye of the beholder. - Talk about balance and how it's practical not just as a star wars movie plot. Extremes are never good because you're over-doing something. Most of us are taught from young to be honest. - It's worth to understand why people lie. FEAR – The world tells us that if you don't know something, you're worthless. As such, most people choose the easy way out, which is to pretend to know something. After all; con- sultants make a living out of this. Almost all of us practice this to some degree, making "fake it till you make it" something real. MANIPULATE – Now, a personal agenda is almost always a reason for lying; to influence the decisions of other people to do what the person lying wants. For example, the word "love" is probably the most over-used in lies in order to get the other person emotionally vested to serve the lying person's agenda. PRIDE – Most of us would think that we are above lying for the sake of it. But think about how often we have lied to people we love about the reality of a situation. For example, people who are not doing well normally try to project a different picture and even spend money they can't afford to spread that image. - Talk about how gambling debt was repaid - Everyone knows it's wrong to lie; we have been told about the consequences since we were young. However, all of us have tried honesty at some point or another. However, probably our approach should have been better because we misunderstood how to apply honesty. - The truth is honesty that when misused; honesty is often a veiled form of self- indulgence. This means that in a nutshell, when feelings build up, it’s frustrating to hold them in and keeping them to yourself. And, of course, it feels damn good to release them. That feel good sensation is a form of gratification. -It’s sad that our education at home and in school doesn’t include teaching us how to manage and handle our angry feelings in a safe and non-threatening manner. Since intimate relationships trigger negative feelings, this means most of us are mistreating the people we love most by lashing out and even verbally hurting those we love; all in the name of being honest. - Honesty isn’t a policy, it’s a value! Honesty needs to co-exist with other values. Values such as compassion, kindness, being positive, etc. It would definitely be honest of you to put down someone's lack of talent at something, for example your kid's drawing; but is it kind and helpful? How about being honest that your wife's put on some weight over the years and that she would look huge in that dress? Is it compassionate? Is your comment useful? - Honesty is a sought-after value, but so is common sense. And just like everything else, common sense needs to be applied when deciding when and where to be honest. Just like there are people who lie to advance their own agenda, so too are there people who apply honesty, truth, fairness, and equality on their terms. There's a right time for everything, so it is the same with honesty. - If there's a need to be honest, take some time off away to evaluate whether or not it'll be kind and useful for the other person. Do not be honest in anger and make sure that there are no unresolved issues that could feed the fire and trigger the honest outburst. - Also; honesty needs to go hand-in-hand with communication. You need to build up the relationship, then apply honesty as a value you use to express your thoughts but not at the expense of the other person's feelings.

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