Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

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121 Ben Trueblood: Why Young Adults Quit or Stick with the Church May 12, 2019

Show notes

Studies show 66% of teens who are active in church leave the church after high school. Ben Trueblood of LifeWay Student Ministry joins me today to discuss the missing links and how we can help our kids stay connected to the church as they leave home.

Show Highlights

Lifeway released a survey of 23-30 year olds who were active in church throughout their high school years. The goal was to track their church engagement from ages 18-22. The biggest focus of this study was on the retention rate of the students who were active in high school years and remained active throughout their college years.

What were the big picture findings of the survey?

66% of Active High School Students (attends 2x or more per month) leave church in the first couple of years after graduation.

Why?

Life change/situations 96%
Church/pastor related reasons 74%
Religious, political, ethical reasons 70%
Student/youth ministry reasons 63%

Why do 2/3 students leave the church?

There is statistically no significant difference in church drop out rates between college, military or workforce graduates. It’s not a college/career problem; it’s an age gap / transition from high school problem.
only 39% of students who leave say their dad was active in church as well
#1 reason why they walk away was life change was that they moved to college and stopped attending church; its generally not about hating God or purposefully walking away from the faith
They didn’t feel connected to people in the church (not just kids but other generations too).

Why do the 1/3 stay connected to the church?

When teens can identify 3 or more spiritual mentors through the high school years, they are THREE times more likely to stick with the church during college years
Mentor relationships can begin to take root in early stages of elementary and middle school! Adults who will take the kids seriously make the kids want to stick around longterm.
The stay rate is 13% higher for students who have a father who attends church
Virtually no evidence of a student ministry “coolness factor” keeps kids in church.
Help your teenager connect beyond just the worship service. (student ministry, life groups, mission trips, etc help them become more connected to the body of Christ).
The goal isn’t to become a good church-goer, but when someone is growing in their faith, there is more connection and likelihood to be with the people of Jesus.
Advice to parents:
- Help your teen overcome the initial barriers because there’s nothing that pulls them to be part of the body of Christ when they start out on their own.
- If you do a college visit, its ESSENTIAL you take time to visit churches in the area as well
- Parents, stay connected to the church; show genuine love and interest in the church. Pay attention to the pipeline of ministry.
31% of those who left had returned to church by age 30, and the number one reason why they came back is because a parent invited them.
Our parental influence goes far beyond when our kids move out. Don’t give up on inviting them back to church!

Listen for Ben’s answers to these Patreon Questions:

At a smaller church, where people are already volunteering at capacity, how do we make mentoring, discipleship and relationships with our kids and students a foundational part of our church?
Is there a significant long-term difference between students who come out of student ministry vs those who didn’t?

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The stay-in-church rate for teens is 13% higher for students who have a father who attends.
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When teens can identify 3 or more spiritual mentors through the high school years, they are THREE times more likely to stick with the church during college years.
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Mentor relationships can begin to take root in early stages of elementary and middle school! Adults who will take kids seriously make the kids want to stick around longterm.
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Resources

When Mom is Managing Alone

Atomic Habits by James Clear

https://bentrueblood.com

twitter.com@bentrueblood

https://www.lifeway.com

Within Reach by Ben Trueblood (statistical results geared toward pastors, youth pastors)

A Different College Experience by Ben Trueblood and Brian Mills (read this with your graduating seniors and kids early in college life; also a great grad gift; good last-semester curriculum for youth)

Your local student ministry!

Marriage Snapshot tool

www.patreon.com/letsparentonpurpose

https://www.audibletrial.com/letsparentonpurpose

How Your Marriage Affects Your Parenting May 05, 2019

Show notes

My good friend Jenny Price joins me today to talk about THE most important relationship in your home! Nothing affects the development and stability of your children as much as your marriage. Ignore the health of your marriage at your own (and your children’s) risk!

In conjunction with this episode I’ve created a free tool for you and your spouse. Download your free Marriage Snapshot Tool and invest in your marriage!

Show Highlights

Your top two most important investments: 1) your relationship with Christ and 2) your marriage
Christ-centered marriages
- Mommy and Daddy show they love each other the most (after Jesus)
- Your kids need to see you spending time together during daylight hours
- Out-serve each other, honor one another in front of your children
Child-centered marriages / dangers when marriage isn’t on solid ground
- Parenting on a divided marriage makes children feel unsafe and unstable
- Staying together FOR the kids sake is a terribly destructive way to live
- Too many “love tank” withdraws without deposits leads to crisis
Important Key ingredients in a healthy marriage
- His Needs Her Needs:
  - we are making deposits or withdraws with every interaction
  - Kids entering the picture can begin to cause more withdraws than deposits
- Love and Respect
  - Core need for men is respect and admiration
  - Core need for women is love, adoration and tenderness
- The 5 Love Languages
  - Quality time, physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, and receiving gifts
  - The danger of the unmet need
- How I speak to my spouse and about my spouse
- Choosing to honor my spouse, choosing to honor my spouse in front of my kids
- I will speak LIFE over my spouse, or I will speak death.
Study your spouse. Be intentional about studying your spouse at least 5-10 minutes a day.
Pray with your spouse.
Three different consequences when you and your spouse aren’t on the same team:

1. It makes your kids unstable
  - The first questions kids ask in divorce is what they did wrong
  - Classic dysfunctional family (perfect child, scapegoat, clown, etc)
2. You are easy targets for manipulation when you aren’t on the same team
3. Resentments build and blame gets spread
  - We don’t react to what’s said; we react to the story we’ve built about what’s said
  - When you aren’t on the same team, you’ve put everyone on the defensive
  - Take responsibility as the adults in the family as a model to your kids

When you’re on the same team:

1. Life lessons are caught, not taught (the tone of your home will become their default)
2. You don’t feel alone
3. The absurdities of parenting don’t quite feel so heavy

More helpful notes:
- Advice for step-parents on sharing authority in the household
- Sexual intimacy in marriage is critical, and it’s important for your kids to know.

A few steps to help align your marriage
1. Take a marriage snapshot to get the tone of your marriage
2. Get professional help.
  - Do prevention ahead of time. Don’t want until crisis.
  - Connection to your spouse is extremely important and is a snapshot of how well your children will do in their own marriages.
3. Repent of your stuff without expectation or reciprocity.
  - out-serving your spouse, forgiving faster, apologizing faster, apologize publicly
4. Date Nights! Pursue your spouse.
5. Keep coming back and making little investments

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Your top two most important investments are your relationship with Christ and your marriage.
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We don't react to what's said; we react to the story we've built about what's said.
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One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a healthy marriage.
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Resources Mentioned

This episode is sponsored by Audible. Go to www.audibletrial.com/letsparentonpurpose for a free audiobook as you try out Audible for free for one month. If you don’t know what to pick, I just finished Atomic Habits by James Clear and loved it!

As always, thank you to my Patrons! You’ve made these show notes possible, as well as the equipment used to record my interview with Jenny!

His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage by William Harvey

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Episode 112 “Tools for Taming the Tongue” with Aidan Till

Marriage Snapshot Questionnaire

Jenneagram.com for marriage counseling or personal coaching with Jenny Price

119 Finding the Gospel in Avengers Endgame Apr 27, 2019

Show notes

(No Spoilers!) Whatever your preconceived notions are about this episode, you’re probably wrong! Student pastor and host of the We Think God is Awesome Podcast, Aaron Mamuyac, joins me for a fun look at movies and culture, including how we find traces of the gospel repeated over and over again in our favorite stories. Your children and their friends are most likely going to see Avengers Endgame. This gives you a great opportunity for discipleship as you help them be gospel detectives with a modern cultural phenomenon.

This week’s episode is brought to you by Audible. You can Audible for free for one month, including downloading a free book at www.audibletrial.com/letsparentonpurpose

As always, thank yo so much to my Patreon Supporters! These show notes and the extra microphones for my interview are from your generous support!

Show Highlights

Discover the gospel story with your students through movies in modern culture. It can sometimes be a struggle to find commonalities with your kids, but we have a golden opportunity for connection and discussions into what our kids are interested in and focused on! New movie releases (like Avengers Endgame now released after a 22-film build up) provide great conversational pieces and really interesting ways to help train your kids to observe hints of the gospel.

There are redemptive analogies in each culture.

Missionary to canibalistic tribe: Peace Child by Don Richardson
Don studied cultures and found redemptive analogies in each culture
Don and his family were missionaries to a canibalistic tribe who’s highest values were trechery, revenge and betrayal (people who befriended you, make you feel safe and then kill you)
Don learned this tribe’s culture but couldn’t communicate the gospel in a way the tribe could understand
Don eventually found a gateway to the tribe by teaching Jesus as the peace child
Finding the gateway story for this tribe lead to massive conversion in the village and eventual spread of the Gospel to other tribes

There are redemptive analogies in our culture as well!

Our redemptive analogies are played out through our stories.
The stories we like follow a similar framework, and this pattern seems to be naturally embedded in us:
- there a peace that’s somehow broken
- hero comes from the most unlikely place
- help appears and tries to fix the brokenness
- good over evil arc
- redemption
- when rescue comes, it’s when all hope is lost
- the rescue comes at great personal sacrifice to the hero, sometimes to his own life
- peace comes after the hero sacrifices himself

How our culture’s favorite stories parallel our lives as believers:

Life is broken and confusing now, and Jesus triumphs over evil and He wins
The end is better than even the beginning was!
There’s HOPE

As parents, we want to connect with our kids and find the gateways into their culture.

We start with telling them the Gospel story and how it’s TRUE.
Story form holds our attention more than anything else. The reason we like these books and movies is because there’s a TRUE story that God has written into our hearts to respond to.
Go with your child to watch the movie and talk with them ahead of time – explain how this seems to be the similar narrative of the Gospel.
Teach your children to be explorers of redemptive meaning.
Stories are so captivating because it leads us to the greater narrative of Jesus. Over-fascination and over-involvement in characters and video games is because we desire the Gospel in its true form; the characters are just shadows.
Kids learn morals, ethics, and values in these stories. We need to address the values and proactively teach our kids values from Scripture and help them understand how to differentiate culture vs God’s way

Three Circles: a simple method to sharing the gospel

God’s Plan, Brokenness, Jesus
Tying Three Circles method into movies: set up a framework for your kids to see the Gospel framework played out in the movies
- Where did we see God’s design in this movie?
- Where is the brokenness?
- In what ways are they trying to escape the brokenness?
- What are elements of the Gospel in this movie?

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Take your Bible and take your newspaper, and read both. But interpret newspapers from your Bible. ― Karl Barth
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If you can give your kids a big enough vision, it will keep them from being distracted by all of these little destructive ones.
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Resources Mentioned

Aaron Mamuyac Sunlight Church, Port Saint Lucie Website: https://www.sunlightcc.org Email: aaron@sunlightcc.org God is Awesome Podcast God is Awesome on Facebook Peace Child by Don Richardson (missionary to canibalistic tribe) Three Circles: a simple method to sharing the gospel Avengers Endgame Try you first book on Audible for free: https://www.audible.com/letsparentonpurpose

118 Easter Hope in the Valley of the Shadow Apr 21, 2019

Show notes

Today I share why Easter gives me hope even in the darkest days of family life. I conclude with a post I wrote at 3AM on Easter Sunday five years ago, just one week after my son was diagnosed with Leukemia.

As always, thank you Patreon Supporters! You’re awesome! If you want to support this podcast for as little as $1 an episode, you can do it through www.patreon.com

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I am created in the image of God and am a brother of the King Most High. Who cares whether my kid qualifies me for an honor roll bumper sticker?
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Easter is a reminder that life comes from death, that light comes after the darkness, and that God is actively at work even when nothing makes sense.
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Show Highlights

As a dad who has never seen, but still believes, here’s how I feel blessed and hopeful as a parent:

Easter is the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus. The resurrection is the validation of everything Jesus said and did:

It means that His teachings aren’t just sound advice, they are commands with a supernatural power behind them.
It means that wen Jesus says I can call God my Father, it’s true. He’s not just some distant authority figure, He’s my Daddy.
It means I’m truly forgiven of my sins. I don’t have to live a life of penance making up for past mistakes (including parenting mistakes). I can focus on walking in grace and humility, trying to do what’s right today instead of wallowing in the guilt of my failures from yesterday. I’ve trusted Jesus to save my soul, and I’m trusting Him to give me the grace for what He’s commanded me to do as a parent.

2. Easter is a reminder that life comes from death, that light comes after the darkness, and that God is actively at work even when nothing makes sense.

It means that even my worst parenting days are redeemable, and that what I (or others) meant for evil, God will turn for good.
It means that my children’s disabilities, shortcomings, and failures are just details in a greater story that God is writing. He is forming their character as well as mine, and He is making All Things New!
It means that my son getting cancer or my wife dying is not the last word. My hope is not in a particular outcome, it’s in a Person. And that Person conquered death and the grave and promised to do the same for me and all of those that love HIm.

3. Easter is a conviction that I am not the center of the universe, and neither are my children.

I don’t have to have it all figured out, because I’m not in charge of this planet. I’m not God and I don’t get to dictate everything in my life or my children’s life. That’s really freeing.
My kids get to mess up as well, because my pride and identity should not be wrapped up in them looking impressive. I am created in the image of God and am a brother of the King Most High. Who cares whether my kid qualifies me for an honor roll bumper sticker?
Since I’m not the center of the universe, or even the dictator in my own house, I get to REST like it depends on God. Because it does.

Resources Mentioned

My Easter Morning post from 2014 after my son’s diagnosis

Andrew Peterson

High Noon by Andrew Peterson

117 Shame and the Fear of Man Apr 14, 2019

Show notes

“The remarkable thing about God is that when you fear God, you fear nothing else, whereas if you do not fear God, you fear everything else.” – Oswald Chambers

Today’s topic highlights the intersection between the fear of man, shame and how it’s indicative of how small our God is. Learn to identify shame and then how to view it in light of God’s truth. When people are big in your life, God is small, but if God takes the proper proportion, you genuinely get to experience freedom.

Thank you to my patreon supporters! You are making the show notes and production of the show possible! If you believe in Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can support the show for as little as $1 an episode.

Show Highlights

Living in a shame-driven culture
- Pervasive culture
- We’re living our lives in the fear of man
  - People will see me
  - People will reject me
  - People will hurt me
- When fear of people becomes bigger than fear of God
- Identify different ways the fear of disapproval affects our daily lives before we can diagnose and help our children
- The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe. Prov 29:25
Living in the Shame
- What is shame?
- Finding what our shame is based in
- The garden story in Genesis 22:25 / Genesis 3:7-8
- Then the eyes of both were opened and they knew they both were naked
Different causes of shame and the powerful force in peoples’ lives
- Shame from sin we do
- Shame from being victimized or sinned against (which then amplifies our own natural shame)
Different effects of shame
- Low self esteem (and the wrong antidote we’re prone to fix it with)
- Hiding
- Spy through the peepholes in our walls
The TRUTH
- The truth is that we don’t measure up so stop trying to measure up.
- You can wear a mask; you can hide from people, but you aren’t hiding from God. You’re seen by the one who is the most righteous. Psalm 139
- We let people get very big and live in the paralysis of the fear of man
How understanding the gaze of God can release you from the shame and fear of man:
- Questions to ask ourselves
  - What are you most afraid of?
  - Who are you most afraid of?
- What scripture tells us:
  - Matthew 10:28 / Fear the one who has power over our souls. God sees you.
  - Romans 5:6-11 / While we were still weak, Christ died for the ungodly.
  - We are enemies against God, but God died for his enemies and divinely exchanged our sin for his glory.
  - He took on our sin and shame physically and spiritually.
  - He exchanged our sin and shame and gave us his righteousness.
  - In Christ, you are not shamed and exposed. You are clothed with his righteousness. You don’t have to be afraid of God. Isaiah 61:10
  - Scripture references: Hebrews 13:6, Proverbs 29:25, Psalm 56:4, Romans 8:31
How will seeing people and God in their proper places affect your marriage and parenting?
- Know that you are seen, loved, known and accepted by God who made everything.
- Knowing how you are loved frees you to offer the same grace you have been given.
- When people are big in your life, God is small, but if God takes the proper proportion, you genuinely get to experience freedom.

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The gospel is the story of God covering his naked enemies, bringing them to the wedding feast, and then marrying them rather than crushing them. Edward T. Welch
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In Christ, you are not shamed and exposed. You are clothed with his righteousness.
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Resources Mentioned

When People Are Big and God is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man by Edward T. Welch

116 Parenting Different Personalities Apr 07, 2019

Show notes

We don’t love our children the same. We love them uniquely, because they are each unique. Because of their uniqueness, a parenting approach that works for one child could cause another one to wilt. My good friend, partner in ministry, and coach/strategist Jenny Price joins me today to talk through various personality types we find among children, and what strategies can help us get the best out of each one.

Show Highlights

What does it mean to fully love your children, but not love them the same
Personality differences that become evident in the baby/toddler years
How different discipline techniques work with different personalities
- The tender children
  - Helping them differentiate correction from “I’m a horrible person”
  - Their tendency for secretive shame
  - The importance of asking question
  - Teaching them that God is both The Lion and The Lamb
- Assertive, strong-willed children
  - The need for discipline and structure
  - Their need for short conversations and a brick wall
  - Why lectures aren’t effective
- The easy, under the radar children
  - The Glass Child
  - Why they are so easily overlooked
  - Their need of one on one time
- Special needs children
  - Their need for higher attention
  - Beware of them working the system
  - The critical need for parents to take care of themselves
The importance of saying sorry to your children
Three questions to ask your children
- What’s working for you?
- What’s not working for you?
- What’s next in relationship to me?
Three other great questions
- What do you want more of from me?
- What do you want less of from me?
- What else are you not telling me?
Reminding your children that you love them, you are for them, that God loves them and is for them
Ensuring other mentors are involved in your children’s life

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Our goal isn't to raise children that 'aren't bad', our goal is to raise adults that thrive and are a blessing to the world.
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Your performance driven children need permission to not be perfect.
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Three important questions to ask people in your life -What do you want more of from me? -What do you want less of from me? -What else do you need to tell me?
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Resources Mentioned

Jenny Price Coach/Consultant: Personal/Professional/Enneagram www.jenneagram.com

Jenny on instagram: : www.instagram.com/JenneagramCoach

Let’s Parent on Purpose Episode 49: Depression and Anxiety In Parenting and Marriage with Jenny

Let’s Parent on Purpose Episode 112: Tools for Taming the Tongue

Ian Morgan Cron, The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery

115 Trusting God Mar 31, 2019

Show notes

We all want to be great parents with thriving kids, but the truth is that only God can change a heart. I do the best I can with all the means I can, but it’s ultimately His Spirit that reaches them. Learn how to trust that God will reach our kids hearts, shape them and eventually bring freedom as we faithfully walk this parenting journey.

Show Highlights

Trusting God Even When Life Hurts – the sovereignty of God. Why doesn’t He stop pain if He is all-powerful and all-loving. If God is all-powerful, why doesn’t He stop the pain?
Ryan Leak’s consulting on on the danger of ego – what percentage of credit you feel like you should get for the success of “X”
- Why you should get 0 credit for the growth of “X”
We are responsible to point our kids to Jesus, but it’s HIM who changes hearts
How to deal with situations beyond my control and my illusion of control
Finding encouragement from Psalm 127, the theme song of my life
What do I do when I don’t know what to do or how to pray?
- The Spirit helps us in our weakness and the Spirit intercedes with groaning too deep for words
- Romans 8:26-28: He causes ALL things work together for good for those who Love God and are called according to his purpose. It doesn’t mean that everything that happens is good; it means that He can bring good, even out of sin and pain.
- Thomas Watson’s book: All Things for Good
  - God is a great pharmacist. A pharmacist’s role is to combine drugs to bring healing.
  - The very same lethal drug, if mixed correctly, can save your life. (i.e. NACL)
  - Some things are not good, but God will work them for good. It may take a very long time
- He didn’t spare his own son and how much more will he give us everything we need.

NOTHING will separate us from the love of God
- Not death, life, angels, rulers, things present powers,
- OR your kids stupid decisions, a mean person, bad grades, even complete rebellion of a child

Look back and see how God used sin and hardship to mold you towards Jesus
- The mystery of how God uses most unlikely things to turn us towards Him
- You can’t control every decision your kids make, or their sicknesses, which friends love and hurt them, etc. But their pain is not wasted; God uses loss and suffering to bond us to Him.

7 steps to help you center your trust in God
1. Believe that God loves your children more than you do
2. Trust that whatever is happening isn’t the end of the story
  - The pain isn’t senseless or wasted
  - Jesus is going to make all things new
3. Acknowledge your doubts and fears
  - Psalm 88 — and darkness is my only friend
  - God, I believe. Help my unbelief. — Mark 9:24
  - Faith is not a lack of fear. It’s walking forward even in the midst of our fear. It’s remembering what you know to be true in front of something that you don’t understand
4. Notice the circumstances of your life that God put together to provide for you
5. Remember that you are a work in progress too
6. Parent today in the power of the Holy Spirit
7. Trust God for the grace today and look forward to the results for tomorrow

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This is God's universe, and God does things his way. You may have a better way, but you don't have a universe. --J. Vernon McGee
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Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. --Mark 9:24
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Faith is not a lack of fear. It's walking forward even in the midst of our fear. It's remembering what you know to be true in front of something that you don't understand.
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Resources Mentioned

Ryan Leak – https://www.ryanleak.com https://twitter.com/ryanleak

Trusting God Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges

Psalm 127

Romans 8:26-28

All Things for Good book by puritan Thomas Watson

114 Three Ways to Grow Gratitude Mar 24, 2019

Show notes

Gratitude is a crucial component in changing our circumstances and in helping develop the character of our children. Join me today as I discuss three ways you can encourage a heart of gratitude in your household.

I want to say a special thanks to my growing group of Patreon Supporters! For as little as $1 an episode you can invest in making this podcast as I invest in your family!

Show Highlights

Headwinds vs Tailwinds: why we notice our disadvantages while glossing over our advantages
Why we should notice the advantages and resources at our fingertips
What or who is the real problem to our lack of gratitude?
Learn what God’s antidote is to taking life for granted
Learn what God says His will is for your life.
One of the greatest works that can change our circumstances and help develop the character of our children
Hear about one of my personal goals this year with my kids
How to model and then encourage a lifestyle of gratitude for my family
Become a life tour guide pointing out multiple levels of amazing that God has graced us with
Three practical steps to cultivate a culture of gratitude in your home
- Check-in (“roses and thorns” or “highs for the day”)
- Compliment and celebrate
- Check out the Global Rich List. See where your family ranks among the wealthiest humans in the world. You’ll be shocked!
  - Make a list with your children of how your family has been given advantages
  - See how it takes a person in a different country to earn “x” amount of money for just a cup of coffee vs. how it takes us about 10 minutes in the US to earn the same amount of money.
  - Begin a month-long process of identifying all the advantages God has given us
  - God blessed Abraham so that he could be a blessing too many. Help your kids see the responsibility that comes along with being blessed.

A family that is thankful is a family that is fun to be in!

Thankful families are a blessing to the world.

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A culture of gratitude is one of the greatest works that can change our circumstances and help develop the character of our children.
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Gratitude is a marathon, not a sprint.
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Resources Mentioned

Freakonomics podcast: Gratitude and Noticing our disadvantages while glossing over our advantages

Episode 110: A Little Change that Makes a Big Difference

Global Rich List: interactive website to see where you find your wealth rank among the world and its wealthiest people

113 Cultivating Meaningful Friendships Mar 17, 2019

Show notes

Show Highlights

Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.

Our friends determine the direction and quality of our lives.
- Why I should intentionally equip myself and my family on how to have the most healthy friendships
- How negative behaviors and bad habits become normal to us when we surround ourselves with bad company
- Why not to make close friends with gaping character defects
Am I establishing healthy friendships and avoiding unhealthy ones? Are my children?
- How do we help our children recognize and identify healthy friendships, and how do we cultivate them?
  - Help your kids be intentional in identifying the good qualities in others
  - Analyze your own friendships. Model healthy friendships. It’s hard for my kids to do what they don’t see.
  - Who are you becoming?
  - What direction are your closest friends taking you?
    - You need givers AND takers in your life, people you pour into and people who pour into you.
    - You become a composite of the 5-7 people you spend the most time with. Do you like what’s happening?
    - He who walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.
Go to Scripture and point your kids to it. Discuss scripture with your kids (i.e. What does Proverbs 13:20 mean?)
Ask questions. Discussions around your dinner table could include:
- Asking questions to your kids to help THEM discover. The more they realize on their own, the more growth is possible.
  - You become like the 5-7 people you spend the most time with. If we look at your friends, what’s your future going to be? What direction are you heading in, and do you like that?
  - Who are 1-2 peers that you need to intentionally spend more time with?
  - Who are 1-2 older people that you really benefit by spending more time with?

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Show me your friends, and I'll show you your future.
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Bad company corrupts good morals.
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You become a composite of the 5-7 people you spend the most time with. Do you like what's happening?
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Resources Mentioned

Episode 74: Identifying and Avoiding Toxic Relationships

Episode 79: How to Win Hearts and Influence Your Family

Episode 80: Two Ways to Get People to Like You

112 Tools for Taming the Tongue Mar 10, 2019

Show notes

If you’re tired of putting out fires started by your tongue, you’re going to really benefit from my conversation with my friend Aidan Till. Aidan preached recently at my church Covenant Fellowship Baptist Church from James 3. What he shared about the connection between our hearts, minds, and tongue was so applicable to moms and dads I grabbed him for a followup conversation. If you want to hear the original sermon, you can find it here.

I want to say a special thanks to my growing group of Patreon Supporters! For as little as $1 an episode you can invest in making this podcast as I invest in your family!

Show Highlights

A background on the book of James as wisdom literature
How emotions are always 100% accurate, but not in the way we often think
How our internal story maker affects how we interpret our world and others
Understanding how we are driven by emotions far more than we think
Realizing that we are labeling our children in the way we chastise them
Why feelings don’t have to be fixed
Disciplines for understanding the root what’s coming out of our mouth
- Notice (without judgement or excuse) the speech
  - Notice what you just said
  - You can even do this without saying it if you practice 10 seconds of silence
  - Notice how you said
  - Notice what you wanted when you said it
  - Notice the other conversations going on in your head while you’re taking
  - Don’t try to know why
- Notice what you would have said
  - Use a discipline of silence
    - 10 second rule across all of life
    - 5 minute rule
    - listen
    - notice without judgment or justification what you would have said
- Notice the emotions
  - In the silence notice what you are feeling
  - Usually our most real feelings are happy, sad, scared, mad, or affectionate
  - Emotions are designed to be noticed. That’s all.
  - Practice the Examine Prayer
- Notice the story
  - Stimulus->Story->Feelings->Response
  - Our stories are sometimes lazy or protective
  - Notice the story you are telling, it will tell you something about your inner story teller
    - Example – Lunch win an ex
- Notice there may be something more
An exercise for examining our heart

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Emotions always tell you the truth about what you believe about God, yourself, and the world. They don't always tell you the truth about what's actually real.
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When I yell at my children, I'm teaching them that whoever escalates the most wins.
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If you're going to give someone the benefit of the doubt, you have to acknowledge that you're doubting something.
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Biting our tongue is not how we tame our tongue. That's like trying to bite a bullet after it's been fired. We have to examine our heart.
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