Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

Latest Episodes:

Ep. 290: How to Have Healthier Conflict with Nathan and Amy Oliver Aug 14, 2022

Show notes

Every marriage has conflict. It’s how you handle the conflict that determines the direction and quality of your marriage. My guests Nathan and Amy Oliver outline specific steps you can incorporate into your turbulent issues to end more connected than when you began. You’ll learn the power of a time out in the midst of a heated discussion. You’ll also be equipped with steps to take during and after the time out to ensure you win the person, not the argument.

These steps include:

- Asking questions to regain perspective: Who is this person? What am I feeling right now? What does he or she feel in me?

Breathing and regaining control of your “logic brain” from your “emotional brain”
Learning to empathetically restate your spouse’s position even if you don’t agree with it.

Additionally, you’ll discover the emotional, physical, and sexual benefits of conflict resolution and how to not live in fear of the next argument.

Nathan and Amy Oliver are both licensed professional therapists and members of Covenant Fellowship Baptist Church in Stuart, Florida. They specialize in marriage/family therapy, teens/young adults, substance addiction, depression, and anxiety. The Olivers are individually available for virtual counseling sessions. To find out more visit www.olivercounselling.com

Resources Mentioned:

www.olivercounseling.com

Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss: https://amzn.to/3nfESXz

Support Let’s Parent on Purpose! https://letsparentonpurpose.com/support/

Ep. 289: The Spiritual Foundation for a Healthy Marriage Aug 07, 2022

Show notes

This is the first of a four part series on building blocks for a healthy marriage. Before getting into communication and conflict techniques, it’s important to remember that a healthy marriage must have a solid foundation. Today I share three vital pillars for every marriage to thrive in a spiritually broken world. As you listen, consider whether your marriage is supported by: 1) a regular, personal spiritual pursuit of Jesus Christ and His will, 2) spiritually connective practices with your spouse, and 3) an accountable and encouraging faith community.

Helpful questions to ask yourself:

Am I setting aside regular, personal time with Jesus?
Do I read His word with a heart to see God, know his will, and follow it?
Do I regularly pray for and with my spouse?
Does my pursuit of worship, study, and serving enrich my spouse’s walk with Jesus?
Do I have a spiritual community that encourages me in my walk and calls me to accountability if I am straying or mistreating my spouse?

Resources Mentioned:

Support Let’s Parent on Purpose! https://letsparentonpurpose.com/support/

Sponsor Affiliate:

Get the Key Psalms to Pray Over Your Kids: www.cpgive.org

Ep. 288: How To Schedule Your Ideal Week Jul 31, 2022

Show notes

A few years ago I began to craft my ideal week. While it never goes according to plan, the practice has radically increased my fruitfulness and decreased my stress. Today I share with you the benefits of crafting your ideal work week as well as the process for creating your own.

Scheduling Your Ideal Work Week:

First off, before beginning your schedule, take a few minutes to write out your long term goals for a fruitful and joy filled life.

For me those would include:

An ever-growing relationship with Jesus

A body that is functional and not in chronic pain

A mind that stays curious and sharp

A deepening love and joy in my life and partnership with my wife

Intentional time with my children and friends

Joyful life with the church

Faithful and fruitful work

Next, write out a Monday-Sunday calendar. Break up the day into these 6 sections: Early Morning, Late Morning, Early Afternoon, Late Afternoon, Early Evening, Late Evening.

Now, fill-in the absolute fixed points of your schedule that you don’t control the time of.

Next, fill in the time slots that are an investment in those long term goals you listed before starting your calendar. For instance, each Early Morning I have slotted a time that is called Morning Startup. This includes a time for a long walk and prayer time, reading the word, quickly journaling about yesterday, and my hygiene time. I know this time will also include helping get the kids ready for school. There’s also a date night blocked, a family sabbath dinner, and a time for personal projects.

Now, aim to block off chunks of 2-3 hour blocks for deep work or batched work (these are tasks that can be done much quicker if grouped together, like emails, chores, or phone calls). I’ve learned is that in a 40 hour work week, if I can get 12-15 hours of uninterrupted deep work, I can really thrive at completing all that’s required of me besides the people interactions. So I block those deep work times in 3 hour chunks through the week.

For more details, listen to the podcast! Additionally you might benefit from checking out Michael Hyatt’s explanation in my resources mentioned section below. This is where I learned the practice.

Resources Mentioned:

How to Better Control Your Time by Designing Your Ideal Week: https://fullfocus.co/ideal-week/

Free to Focus: A Total Productivity System for Doing More by Doing Less: https://amzn.to/3NRBP2O

Get Your Calendar Year Prayer Journal: www.cpgive.org

Support Let’s Parent on Purpose! https://letsparentonpurpose.com/support/

Ep. 287: Which Bible Translation Should I Buy My Child? Jul 24, 2022

Show notes

I’m frequently asked about which Bible Translation is best for children or teens. Today I share an overview of the differences between translations as well as thoughts on what Bible might be best for your child. Additionally I share a couple of “pre-Bible introductory resources”. I discuss why it’s important to consider what translation your church regularly uses as well as any special reading difficulties your child may have.

Resources Mentioned:

The Jesus Storybook Bible: https://amzn.to/3xUNiZu

The Action Bible: https://amzn.to/3OBsnlr

Support Let’s Parent on Purpose! https://letsparentonpurpose.com/support/

Ep. 286: Finding Hope in Shattering Loss with Lisa Appelo Jul 17, 2022

Show notes

Lisa Appelo went to bed married one night and woke up a widow and single mom to seven children the next morning. Her story of navigating raw, tender grief stands as a testimony that—regardless of your circumstances—life can be good again after it falls apart. We talk about the experience of losing her husband dan, the process of navigating her own grief, as well as the individual paths of grieving each of her children walked. Most importantly, we celebrate how Jesus can bring a depth and richness to our joy even if we’ve experienced traumatic loss.

Resources Mentioned:

Life Can Be Good Again: Putting Your World Back Together After It Falls Apart by Lisa Appelo: https://lisaappelo.com/lifecanbegoodagain/ LisaAppelo.com

IG: @lisaappelo

FB: @LisaAppelo

Support Let’s Parent on Purpose! https://letsparentonpurpose.com/ support/

Ep. 285: Three Pillars for Strengthening Your Teen’s Self Concept Jul 10, 2022

Show notes

The teenage years can feel incredibly unstable for both parents and adolescents. Today I share three pillars that can help your teen have a stable self concept even as their bodies, brains, and friends keep changing. Learn how important it is for your teen to know “I’m loved,” “I’ve got what it takes,” and “I can take responsibility”. As moms and dads, our interactions with our teens will either enhance or diminish each of these messages.

Resources Mentioned:

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood: https://amzn.to/3xi6uA8

Support Let’s Parent on Purpose! https://letsparentonpurpose.com/ support/

Ep. 284: The Most Effective Parenting Style for Teens Jul 03, 2022

Show notes

The teenage years are a time of radical change. But it’s not just our teenagers who must go through change. Parenting styles and roles rapidly evolve as our children move closer to adulthood. In this episode I discuss three different types of parenting styles. We review why the drill sergeant and the helicopter parent fail to prepare our teens for adulthood. Instead, we should aim to become consultants that empower our teens with greater responsibility and ownership of their actions. If this topic is helpful to you, I highly recommend you check out Parenting Teens with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline

Resources Mentioned:

I discussed this topic in more detail in a very early episode of Let’s Parent on Purpose: https://letsparentonpurpose.com/2017/02/20/lpop-9-whatsyour-parenting-style/

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood: https://amzn.to/3xi6uA8

Support Let’s Parent on Purpose! https://letsparentonpurpose.com/ support/

Ep. 283: Communication and Conflict Part 4 A New Vision For Your Family Jun 26, 2022

Show notes

This is last episode in a four part series to help parents and teens improve their communication and reduce conflict. It’s adapted from a parent/teen retreat and includes small group questions you help you process the material as a family. Conflict increases when there is no compelling purpose or mission. Today we begin to re-vision your family as a multigenerational team on mission for the Lord. I share a couple actionable steps for helping your family discover your identity, mission, and strategy.

Key Points:

1. Our culture looks at families as springboards for individual success. We need to begin to view our family as a multigenerational team on mission.

2. Generations are not stuck. It only takes one generation in a family to turn to Jesus to start a new legacy.

3. A team needs an identity, a purpose, and a strategy.

4. To shape your family identity, develop a family mission statement.

• As an example, here’s my family’s mission statement: God has blessed us with relationships, resources, and responsibility. We will use our gifts to enjoy life with Jesus and one another, and to heal a broken world through the love of Christ.

5. A simple strategy for your family to begin living on mission: start a weekly multigenerational meal.

6. Your new vision for family can help cure the disease of more and be the greatest force of discipleship in your household! Discussion Questions with your family after listening:

1. What was the most important thing you heard from this episode?

2. What do you think of the idea of your family being a multigenerational team on mission for Jesus?

3. How has God uniquely blessed your family in ways that could be a blessing to others? What are your treasures in relationships and resources?

4. Who are family members outside of your current household that you could pull in to your family team on mission? 5. Who are people in your life in need of a spiritual family that you could pull in to your team and mission?

6. Start to brainstorm what you would want to include in a family mission statement. How has God blessed you and what are specific ways you want your family to serve Jesus for decades if the Lord doesn’t return in your lifetime?

7. Could you start a weekly multigenerational meal? What night of the week would work best? Who could you invite? What are some things that would help make this night meaningful. For example - the Holland Family try’s to have a role for ever member of the meal, from lighting candles to sharing scripture to prayers of blessing. Over the meal we share our weekly highs and lows as well as something we are learning. What night of the week would work most consistently for you to have it?

8. When are you going to have your first multigenerational meal?

Resources Mentioned:

Episode 280: https://www.christianparenting.org/podcasts-post/communication-and-conflict-part-2-refilling-the-love-bank/#cp-podcast-enc-container

Episode 281: https://www.christianparenting.org/podcasts-post/communication-and-conflict-part-2-refilling-the-love-bank/

Episode 282: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-282-communication-and-conflict-part-3-retooling/id1190973394?i=1000567017578

To explore this concept further check out my episode Your Family as a Team with Jeremy Pryor

https://letsparentonpurpose.com/2021/06/13/ your-family-as-a-team-with-jeremy-pryor/

Ep. 282: Communication and Conflict Part 3 Retooling for Healthier Conflict Jun 19, 2022

Show notes

This is part three of a four part series to help parents and teens improve their communication and reduce conflict. It’s adapted from a parent/teen retreat and includes small group questions you help you process the material as a family. Every family is going to have conflict. We need a better conflict toolbox to allow us to win the person and not the argument. Today we look at principles from Proverbs as well as Chris Voss’ book Never Split the Difference: Communicating Like Your Life Depends on it. I also share some of the most helpful marriage counseling advice I’ve ever been given.

Key Points: 
1. You’re going to have disagreements and conflict. You need a better conflict toolbox.

2. The vast majority of conflict work is done before the conflict. Refill the love bank!

3. People want to be understood and appreciated. 4. Tools for conflict:

• Be a Mirror - Active listening and reflecting

• Accusation Audit - Admit the ugly truth and state your worst case

• Tactical Empathy - State their case and feelings in the best way you can (you don’t have to agree).

• Getting to “that’s right” rather than “you’re right”!
5. The best way to win the conflict is to seek to win the person! 6. Marriage tips for “fighting fair”

• Never use the words “always” or “never”

• Stick to the subject even if it means you’re going to “lose” the argument

• Make enough time for the discussion and take a time out if you need Discussion Questions with your family after listening:

1.What was the most important thing you heard from this episode?

Remember to try to use the toolbox as we continue the questions

Be a mirror - active listening and reflecting
Accusation audit - admit the ugly truth and state your worst case
Tactical Empathy - state the other side’s case and feelings as best as you

can
Getting to “That’s Right” instead of “Your Right”

2. One of the main points was “everyone wants be understood and appreciated.” Can you think of something in your household where you feel either misunderstood or unappreciated? Share the situation if you feel comfortable. Others in the group should practice listening and interacting using the toolbox. Stick to the subject and don’t switch topics in the middle. See if you can get to a place where one of the people listening can restate your case in such an accurate way that you say “That’s Right”.
4. Take a turn and let someone else go.
5. What do you think would be the most helpful tool in the toolbox to regularly use?
6. Are any of them confusing to you?
7. Do you feel like if you are appreciated and understood its easier to get past individual things that your family members might disagree on? Explain why or why not.

Resources Mentioned:

Episode 280: https://www.christianparenting.org/podcasts-post/communication-and-conflict-part-2-refilling-the-love-bank/#cp-podcast-enc-container

Episode 281: https://www.christianparenting.org/podcasts-post/communication-and-conflict-part-2-refilling-the-love-bank/

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As if Your Life Depended On It by Chriss Voss and Tahl Raz https://amzn.to/3sOiBDu

Ep. 281: Communication and Conflict Part 2 Refilling the Love Bank Jun 12, 2022

Show notes

This is part two of a four part series to help parents and teens improve their communication and reduce conflict. It’s adapted from a parent/teen retreat and includes small group questions you help you process the material as a family. Today’s episode focuses understanding the emotional love bank each family member has with one another. Once we learn the impact of deposits and withdraws, we can begin to build emotional security in our household relationships. We discuss applying the New Testament One Another’s to our family, identifying one another’s love languages, securing easy wins, and avoiding costly losses in our communication.

Key Points: 

1. The Love Bank/Tank represents the amount of positive emotional reserves you have for each relationship.

2. Everyone wants to feel noticed, loved, and appreciated. We get to be the hands, feet, and mouth of Jesus to one another in the home!

3. As a general rule, people need to hear 5-10 affirmations for every cirque, otherwise they become insecure and resentful.

4. The Five Love Languages are helpful in understanding how individuals give and receive love. Your family will benefit if you know which ones each member values the highest: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, Words of Affirmation.

5. Go for the easy wins and avoid the easy loses! Parents need to eliminate cut-downs and comparisons. Teens need to understand that lying breaks trust and relationships.

6. A full love bank allows for a secure relationship.

Discussion Questions with your family after listening:

What was the most important thing you heard in this episode?
If you’re being honest, how would you describe your love tank with each member of your family right now? Why do you say this?
Have you ever thought about how you’ve been called to be the hands, feet, and mouth of Jesus so they can feel secure in the Lord? What do you think about that?
When it comes to the five love languages, what ones help you feel loved the most? Which ones are the ways you most often try to express your love to others? Remember the languages are Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, and Words of Affirmation. What’s a specific way that your family members could help you feel more loved?
What’s an easy win way that someone can make a deposit into your love tank?
Take a time to encourage one another. What are a few specific things that you like about the people in your family? If they are in your group make sure you tell them!
Finish out by praying for each other!

Resources Mentioned:

For more detail on the Love Bank, check out my article “The Love Bank”: https://letsparentonpurpose.com/2017/10/30/the-love-bank/

His Needs Her Needs: Making Romantic Love Last by Willard F Harley Jr. https://amzn.to/3LDu92N

The Five Love Languages: Secrets to Love That Last by Gary Chapman https://amzn.to/3LzKztg

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