The Best Gift When Time Is Running Out
Sep 18, 2023
It’s the clock I noticed first. It was the only thing hanging on the bare wall of the home I was visiting. It wasn’t ticking. The hands stood still as if it silently screamed for me to take notice… to see that time was running out.
It was my third home visit of the afternoon. My belly was full of chai tea, halal pizza and a spicy noodle dish I couldn’t name (the world wants to feed you) and if I’m honest, I’d lost all track of time. I’d stepped over a littered yard, dodged mud holes, climbed stairs, and knocked on the doors of my refugee friends from Myanmar, Afghanistan and Nepal–all relocated to different pockets of my city of Houston.
I sat and sipped and savored the moments in each home with women who have lived such unspeakable horrors that the United Nations deemed them fit for refugee status. It’s not a badge any of us would want to wear, but don’t doubt for a second that it isn’t one of honor. In their countries, these families owned homes, drove cars, had careers and every bit of their lives changed over night when genocide knocked at their front doors.
They have lost everything.
Possessions have been burned, homes looted, husbands captured and killed. And now they are my neighbors and they are starting life over in a different country with a new language, different customs, and untold challenges. Simply put, it is overwhelming.
As I stared at the silent clock, it was a very present reminder that time is running out. As we prepare to run around and scoop up last minute Christmas gifts, hunting for unique finds that will feel just right, for many in the world, the clock is ticking and nothing is right. Women around the globe can count their remaining dollars on one hand, they can feed their children for a couple more nights, they are running out of food, clothes and money for rent. They are running out of time.
When I started Mercy House Global nearly a decade ago, I just wanted to help pregnant teens in Kenya. But I quickly learned that when you take a girl out of trafficking, you’ve also taken away her job, so creating dignified work moved up to the top of our list. We create dignified jobs for those teen moms and their families in Kenya and we do so for thousands of other women in more than 30 countries through our monthly subscription clubs at Fair Trade Friday because business is the best way to end poverty.
With just a click of your mouse, you can join a club and send a gift subscription this Christmas at the very last minute –it will not only provide a lovely, trendy, unique gift; it will provide a dignified job just in time.
I handed over a bag of supplies to my refugee friend and she bowed in deep thanks. We both knew that bag would provide needed money just in time. I glanced again at the clock on the wall and remembered it wasn’t working. Today, would you find the time to help us provide work?
Click to give the gift that gives all year long
Bless Our (Parenting) Souls
Jul 18, 2023
It was all I could do to drive home after a brutal day where anything that could go wrong, actually did. I work in the nonprofit, faith -based world… so you know, a Tuesday.
My husband wouldn’t be home until late from work and so I called my teenager and asked her to get a jumpstart on dinner since I was going to be getting home close to 7 PM.
She was less than thrilled with my request and I didn’t have the energy to argue.
I walked through the door — after locating and turning off the horrendous alarm from the septic tank on our property-indicating a broken pump.
Yes, it really was a *crappy* day.
She was standing in the kitchen, heating up tortillas -begrudgingly-but still a win in my book.We sat down to eat shredded pork tacos, the kind you microwave warm that some genius mom invented (obviously).My daughter chattered about the plot of her latest book.
When I didn’t say much, she stopped and looked at me— really looked. “Mom, how was your day? You look tired.”
I told her it was a long, hard day and I didn’t—couldn’t say more.
“Why?” She asked and waited.
I paused, tempted to gloss it over. I chose the alternative— because some days our kids need to see us as we are.
”Let’s say our family decided to spend all our time and resources to open an ice cream shop. We invest everything and open our doors,” I supposed.
I really had her attention.
“But it turns out some days, we just don’t know how to make ice cream,” I said. “That’s what it’s like empowering vulnerable families. It’s really hard.” I didn’t say more as a single tear rolled down my cheek.
”That’s why you called and asked me to make dinner,” she said tenderly, a light bulb moment. I attempted a smile, swiped at the tears that embarrassed me and took a bite.
But it’s what happened next — a first—that blessed my soul:
”Mom?” it was the way she said it that made me look up. The one word was full of compassion and love.
”Can I tell you what my friends and I talked about in our Bible study this week? She went on to say things like, ‘God has a good plan for you and you can’t stop helping people; it’s worth it…’ and then she continued to encourage my soul with the truth of the Gospel.
I lost it. I literally couldn’t contain the tears.
I pulled her close and hugged her tight and thickly whispered thank you.
I cleaned up the dishes and I learned later that she snuck a call to her dad and asked him to bring home flowers for me that she would pay him back for…
I hung the dish towel to dry and she said, “Mom, I ran you a hot bath.” Then she disappeared into her room.
I walked into my bathroom and saw this note, and one of her coveted chocolate bars:
I felt so seen and encouraged by my child. I think my 16-year-old daughter saw me as a woman and not just her mother maybe for the first time. It was precious and significant for both of us.
I will never forget how my bad day became an opportunity for my daughter and I to see each other in a new way. Isn’t this the kind of gift God gives us to unwrap?
Recently, I heard a sermon based in the Psalms that talked about encouraging our souls when we are downcast by repeating the gospel and what we know is true back to our souls.
This is what my daughter did for me and now I want to do it for you.
I won’t remember the bad day or what caused it, but I will never forget how God used my kid to turn my day around and bless my (parenting) soul.
A (Parenting) Blessing
God, we bless this day and those we live with under this roof.
We bless our hard days, when we are stretched too thin with the burdens of this world.
We bless the broken things that sound an alarm and demand our attention.
We bless the microwave meals and the gourmet ones.
We bless our efforts as mothers when all we give just isn’t enough.
We bless our humanity, our honesty and vulnerability.
We bless our children when they see us as humans and especially when they don’t.
We bless our kids to be encouraged and to be encouragers… to learn to look past themselves and see others.
We bless our children to know the gospel and remind themselves and others of its powerful truth.
We bless their hands to serve the discouraged, to run hot baths and share prized chocolate for Your Names’ sake.
We bless our days that are crappy and trust you will help us to see the good in them.
We bless our (parenting) souls.
We Must Do More Than Watch a Movie
Jul 14, 2023
There is a new film out, and whether or not you agree with it, it’s makers or agenda, the terrifying truth is that human trafficking really exists around the world and in our own backyards and it is holding countless innocent people captive. While the outcry on social media for awareness and the demand for action by Christians is welcome and past due, we must do more than watch a movie. We must do something tangible, sacrificial, innovative and immediate with our outrage for the sake of freedom.
Mercy House Global created Fair Trade Friday to replace undignified jobs like labor trafficking and sex trafficking with dignified work because many of the teen moms in the Mercy House Global maternity homes in Kenya got pregnant due to trafficking. The ethically produced items in Fair Trade Friday are often made by the hands of survivors of trafficking or by vulnerable people who are at-risk to being trafficked. It is time Christians see the connection between what we buy and who is making it. If we don’t know the person behind the products we buy (our gifts, clothes, etc) the odds are that someone is being harmed in the supply chain as it makes its way to our home.
Sadly, in the past year, while the number of people being trafficked has only increased, the number of members in our ethical subscription clubs—that fight human trafficking, has decreased. Why? It’s getting harder to change the world and it’s more critical than ever for us to respond.
Hearing the sound of freedom requires action: we must listen to the voices of the vulnerable and respond with our spending dollars:
We are tackling poverty through dignified jobs, in Jesus’ name. Fair Trade Friday club members support artisans and their families — thousands of women, men, and children around the world.
Listen. Can You Hear It?
May 16, 2023
There is a new word introduced in the story of Sodom and Gomorrah that we might have missed in this familiar pillar of salt Bible Story. We often retell it highlighting God’s wrath and destruction due to evilness. While that is true, the new introduced word “ze’aqah” roughly translates to the “unique cry of the unjustly oppressed.” Later in Ezekiel, the prophet identifies the oppressed as the neglected poor and needy in the city.
God didn’t just destroy the city because of his anger against sin, He heard the cry of the oppressed and responded to their sorrow. Throughout the Bible, we are admonished to remember the vulnerable, to listen to the cry of the unjustly oppressed.
In our world of distraction and noise, sometimes it’s hard to hear.When we stop and listen, we can’t ignore the pattern in Scripture:
God hears the cry of the oppressed and disadvantaged;
He remembers those He loves, bound to him in covenant;
and finally, He acts to rescue and deliver those in bondage.
While the power structures of the world seek ways to exploit or turn a blind eye to the people on the edges of society, God gives them special attention. Like a compassionate father moved by the tears of his children, God is moved to righteous anger and powerful action.
On the same day, my husband started his new job that took him to a war zone.
His first day in Ukraine coincided with the one year anniversary of Russia’s invasion and on the last day of his trip, more than 1000 people died. The war isn’t over, but we have mostly moved on to other news.
The year before it was Afghanistan in the headlines and the year before that, Syria. Sudan. Congo. It’s hard to remember.
We are a forgetful people. We move from headline to headline.
And that’s a problem.
It’s my problem and maybe yours?
I am tempted to forget what God has done. I am standing on a million miracles, yet I’m doubtful there will be just one more. I worry there won’t be enough, while God is saying, I am more than enough.
I am tempted to forget who I was before I met God?
What has He already done?
Life’s transitions have me pressing into these questions, into my forgetfulness. A current remedy: I have fallen in love with the book of Deuteronomy. (I know, riveting. Stay with me.)
Did you know there are 22 references to remember and do not forget in this book alone?
It’s the fifth book of the Torah and it’s a cautionary reminder, a warning not to forget. How does Moses wrap up the first five books of the Bible? By telling us to remember the Bible’s most vulnerable people groups: widows, orphans and sojourners (or refugees).
Why? Why would God make marginalized people the main characters in this good story of redemption? Why does He tell their stories of exile–from Adam and Eve to the Israelites? Why is the narrative in so much of the Old Testament about refugees, the poor, oppressed and vulnerable?
Why does God ask us to remember them?
Here’s why: Their story is our story, too.
Remembering creates space.
We need to create space to grieve the dark things that happen to vulnerable people.
Before we met Jesus, we were orphans in spirit. Before we followed God, we were fatherless. Before God, we were wandering in our wildness. If we remember our story, we will not forget those who are pushed aside and forgotten.
If we remember the vulnerable today, we will remember our own vulnerability; we will not leave people in the margins because we don’t want to be marginalized.
If we forget our story, we will forget others.
Tim Keller says, that “If the church does not identify with the marginalized, it will itself be marginalized. This is God’s poetic justice.”
The reminders in the Bible come with a warning: Woe to a culture who ignores the vulnerable. Gandi said, “The true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members.”
God wants us to remember what He did for us so we can do it for others. He gives us more than we need so that we can provide for those with great need. Think about the story of Ruth (who was an orphan, a widow and a refugee!) and how caring for her by leaving extra grain behind for her to pick up was law at the time. God defended the vulnerable. We are to do the same.
This cycle (that God wants us to be stuck in) keeps us in the sweet spot of where God wants us to be. When we care for those in the margins, it reminds us of our own past, our own rescue, and how God provides for us. The simple act of remembering makes us want to do the same for those in the margins today.
“A society without memory is like a journey without a map. It’s all too easy to get lost,” unknown.
It is said that history answers the question, “What happened?” while memory answers the question, “Who am I in relation to the past?”
We cannot afford to forget what God has done. We cannot ignore those pushed to the margins.
Remembering them, rescues us.
Remembering what God has done, gives us faith for tomorrow.
Remember this: do not forget.
In many ways, the world has gotten more evil, good work has gotten harder, but the mission for my family and the family of God has never been more clear.
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At Mercy House Global, we exist to empower vulnerable families. We create opportunities that provide hope. You can too.
*inspired by the Bema Discipleship Podcast
I Don’t Know What God is Doing, But I Know What He Has Done
Feb 05, 2023
I walked into a coffee shop for an all-day meeting two weeks ago and I was barely holding it together.
The last couple of months have felt like a furnace of spiritual warfare. It has been a lot of small trials and a couple of big ones. Heat like that can either consume us or force us to look for God in the fire.
“Suffering isn’t an interruption to what God is doing. Suffering is what God is doing,” Ruth Schwenk said.
I walked towards the counter to order coffee and nearly ran into an old friend who knew something about warfare and fires. She asked how I was doing and I burst into tears.
I told her I was waiting. . .
For 39 days exactly to learn if one of my children had cancer.
It’s a kind of fire that will burn up a mother with worry and fear, no matter how old our kids get.
This friend had walked a very similar road with her daughter and she pulled me into her arms and we cried together and then wordlessly, she took off her leather cuff bracelet and pulled at my wrist to put it on me.
I looked down at it and the bracelet had one word engraved on it: wait.
“You’re not waiting alone. I’ve worn this since I was waiting on a doctor to call too. You wear it until you get your answer,” she said.
Have you ever had those moments when God came so near that you could feel Him whispering in your ear while the flames licked at your heels? Me too.
I went upstairs to my meeting and tucked this hug from God close to my heart.
Four hours later, in the middle of dreaming up marketing for Mercy House Global, I got a call that the long-awaited results were in. Good or bad, the waiting was about to end or begin again. My co-workers and friends prayed with me and I went downstairs and hid in the bathroom to hear the news.
My child on the other end of the phone was recovery from an invasive procedure and I didn’t know what God was doing.
It’s not been the first time though. Actually, for the past 13 years of leading a non-profit, I have cried out, “God, what are you doing?” When one of our maternity homes burned down in 2021, when we lost our beloved home base in 2022 and fell into financial strain six months later…God, what are you doing?”
I physically shook in that bathroom and I waited for the words on the other end of the phone:
Negative. Benign for cancer. I wept hard.
“God, I don’t know what you’re doing…” I dried my tears, opened the door and my bracelet friend was still there. I quietly walked up to her table and put the bracelet back on her wrist so she could, “Share it with another friend who is waiting. Today, I got my answer.”
Relief doesn’t begin to describe what we continue to feel.
But God wasn’t done.
After a dinner to celebrate, there was a letter in the mail. No one knew the details of the surgery my child had just had, but inside the beautiful letter of obedience was a check for the exact (large) amount of the co-pay.
Who is this God?! He knows what we need even before we ask. In this season of suffering and waiting, He has been with us every step of the way.
We cried again (sobbed, really). To be held by God –in the middle of a fire– is a warmth that cannot be denied.
Jesus is in the fire, friends. We aren’t promised a fireproof life. Suffering and hardship are the cost of following Him and don’t let anyone tell you differently.
And while we may not ever understand the why of the trials, we can trust that He is close in the middle of them–and maybe this is the why? Maybe, just maybe, the fire pushes us closer to God and there’s no better place to be than within a breath’s distance…in a raging furnace.
Standing in the hallway of my home two weeks ago, crying ugly tears over a negative diagnosis and surprise provision, and a family group hug, I felt God whisper, “You may not know what I’m doing, but you know what I have done.”
I thought of all the unknowns, risks and challenges ahead that will terrify me if I let them. But God has already won the battles we are fighting–the ones we don’t even know are coming and this truth gives us hope for whatever may come tomorrow.
We may not know what He is doing, but we can face it because we know what He has already done.
Today, I Turn 50 (and Begin a New Job)
Dec 19, 2022
“Intelligence, goodness, humanity, excitement, serenity. Over time, these are the things that change the musculature of your face, as do laughter and animation and especially whatever peace you can broker with the person inside.
It’s furrow, pinch and judgment that make us look older — our mothers were right. They said that if you made certain faces, they would stick and they do. But our mothers forgot that faces of kindness and integrity stick as well.”— Anne Lamott
I’m either halfway done or just getting started. It’s all in how you look at it. When I turned 49 last year, I dreaded my 50th birthday. It’s here and you know what, the view is not only good, it’s lovely.
To celebrate, I bought my first pair of readers, started a new therapeutic hobby (painting flowers on my back porch) and I became the CEO of Mercy House Global.
After 8 years of hard work and sacrifice, my husband (who has served as the CEO) is stepping down to care for our family in a new way and I am stepping up. I’m excited and kind of terrified, but those feelings aren’t really new.
I am a couple short years away from a completely empty nest and I hope we are like fine wine, getting better with age. I’m ready for what’s next.. who knew I’d be leading a staff of over 30 women who also happen to be the largest group of licensed forklift drivers in our county! ”Women may be the one group that grows more radical with age,” Gloria Steinhem.
I wanted to quickly jump on this space and say thanks for being on this long road with me. Most of you have watched my children grow up and supported Mercy House Global in some way. Thanks for being a part of my life along the way.
And to all of us aging as gracefully as we can:
“Listen to your heart.. you are becoming more fully and completely who you were created to be.
It is a whisper that says you are being called to something new. It is a gentle voice that seems to say, ‘Ah, now I have your attention.’ It is a voice that has been patiently waiting to speak truth you would be able to hear.
We are no longer in that part of life when we simply respond to parents, children, husbands, jobs, the PTA, and recycling schedules. We are not spending every single minute trying to keep everyone else happy.” -Dale Bourke
Unlock the Door to the Happiest Holiday Season Today
Nov 29, 2022
You haven’t really lived until you’ve been given the last of what others are living on.
It’s happened to me more than once. This time last year, I stood in the doorway of an apartment in Houston with bags of groceries. I was there on a chilly November day with my family on behalf of Mercy House Global to welcome a family who had just escaped the Taliban in Afghanistan and were being relocated to my city. Due to a hiccup in the resettlement system, hundreds of families were in limbo and it created a massive food insecurity issue.
There were smiles and nods and translated words as we were led to the only furniture in the entire home: a single twin bed.
We sat down, my family of five, lined up one after another and we looked at each other nervously as the host family left the room. The oldest woman in the family returned with one single orange on a plate with a knife.
We watched as she slowly and carefully cut the single fruit into 5 pieces and handed us each a slice on a napkin. She backed out of the room and we were engulfed with the significance of her gift of hospitality.
We ate it slowly and swallowed the understanding that we had just received the best and maybe even the last of this family’s food.
It’s the kind of generosity that has no words. Maybe that’s why it leaves you speechless…
I experienced this kind of generosity again two months ago when I was in Kenya, visiting the family members of some of the 70 pregnant teens that are in some phase of empowerment in their freedom journey to hope. It’s a breathtaking sisterhood of second chances with a lot of diapers.
I sat in the single room home that held more people than square footage and squinted in the oppressive darkness as my eyes adjusted to the lack of light. This home represented the 70th miracle baby born at the maternity homes supported by Mercy House Global. We were visiting vulnerable families empowered with dignified work and every door we walked through gave us only the best.
What is about the world’s normal that gives us an up-close look at our own? Why does my everyday normal afford me with options and opportunities for more when much of the world is forced to make desperate choices because they have so little?
Here we are on the brink of another holiday season where we will spend millions of dollars and a 2022 Gallop poll declares we are the unhappiest we’ve been in years. Those who only spend their money on themselves are the unhappiest people on the planet, according to Giving is the Good Life by Randy Alcorn. So, if keeping everything to ourselves makes us unhappy, than maybe the Bible is correct when it says giving to others will make us happy.
“God comes right out and tells us why he gives us more money than we need. It’s not so we can find more ways to spend it. It’s not so we can indulge ourselves and spoil our children. It’s not so we can insulate ourselves from needing God’s provision. It’s so we can give and give generously (2 Cor. 8:14; 9:11),” he went on to say. “God prospers me not to raise my standard of living, but to raise my standard of giving.”
What are we saving for exactly when the world is dying to be saved?
“It’s curious that the Church has become the most tightfisted at the very time in history when God has provided most generously. There’s considerable talk about the end of the age, and many people seem to believe that Christ will return in their lifetime. But why is it that expecting Christ’s return hasn’t radically influenced our giving? Why is it that people who believe in the soon return of Christ are so quick to build their own financial empires–which prophecy tells us will perish–and so slow to build God’s kingdom? “Randy Alcorn said. “God doesn’t look at just what we give. He also looks at what we keep.”
Hands down, the best holiday memories in my family’s history are the ones where we gave away our time and money to others. The best gifts we recollect are the ones that are tied to experiences helping others. We are forever connected with the people we give to because God forever connects us all.
If our quest is happiness this holiday season, the key isn’t illusive beyond our reach. We stand at the doorway and we hold the key to happiness this holiday season. Jesus said: “Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you” (Luke 6:38).
Today is Giving Tuesday. It is a day that encourages people to give back because of what we have received. When we give to Kingdom work, we are giving to God himself. He accepts our gift as if it was given to Him directly.
The world has a need. But it’s no greater than our need to meet it.
We hold the keys.
Mercy House Global has provided a second chance home to more than 70 teen pregnant teens in their work to empower vulnerable families in Jesus’ name with hope and opportunity. This month alone, five new girls between the ages of 14 and 15 have been welcomed home. But more stand at the door, waiting for the key to freedom.
Would you give your best gift today to help Mercy House Global meet urgent needs?
This Is What Faithful People Do
Nov 23, 2022
This week, my family will sit around the table together for the first time in months. Only a mother with a mostly empty nest understands the tenderness of this statement.
My kids are almost entirely grown up and this old parenting blog remains idle much of the time until I have something new to say. It seems like I’m the kid these days, learning what comes next.
There are so many things I want to tell you about what God is teaching me right now: how leading with a limp will make you grow, how aging is surprising, how marriage humbles me, how parenting young adults is fun and hard and how ready and afraid I am to step into a role I’ve been preparing for the past decade.
Slowly, the words will spill out and find their place…
But for today, just a short simple truth that demands reminding: The holidays are here and there’s a beautiful opportunity Jesus has given us — a mark of our faithfulness is hospitality to others.
As my kids leave and come back home, I’ve been reminded what hospitality means to them, to me, and how the Gospel really does come with a house key.
The extra chair at your table, the empty seat in your van, the more-than-enough-food in your pantry? Fill it.
This is what faithful people do: they sit with people, they invite them over, they push back a chair, they lean in and listen.
The world is at its darkest, mental health is on the brink, people are lonely, a little lost and out of an overflow of what Jesus has done for us, we do for others.
This is what faithful people do.
It’s not about checking off a spiritual box of good works, it’s about being so dazzled by Jesus that we can’t not serve others.
“Radically ordinary hospitality shows this skeptical, post-Christian world what authentic Christianity looks like,” Rosaria Butterfield said. “Those who live out radically ordinary hospitality see their homes not as theirs at all but as God’s gift to use for the furtherance of his kingdom. They open doors; they seek out the underprivileged. They know that the gospel comes with a house key.”
An outflow of faithfulness to God looks like hospitality to others.
We don’t have to be an extrovert, the perfect hostess or even a good cook, we just have to open the door.
This week, everyone is coming home… family, new and old and I will have more people then beds, more bodies than chairs, and it will be good.
Fill your couch. Fluff a pillow. Find someone hoping for an invitation and learn how you need them more than they need you.
This is what faithful people do.
Complete the Circle
Oct 20, 2022
Dignity is another word for decency—and when it’s missing, God created us to demand justice.
12-year-old pregnant girls
Indentured teenagers
Child brides
Underage laborers
Survival prostitutes
Orphan-led homes
Violated minors
These words shouldn’t go together.
When we see them side-by-side on a page, we are offended because innocence and evil shouldn’t commingle.
It’s unnatural, unholy, and unacceptable. Our first reaction is to stop and help.
Sadly, these sickening contradictions often describe the world’s normal.
At Mercy House Global, we are not only addressing some of the most horrific problems around the globe; we are identifying solutions that separate darkness from light.
Creating dignified jobs through Fair Trade Friday is our plan to end poverty.
Last month, we witnessed it first-hand in homes across Kenya—the oppressive pattern of extreme poverty and how it robs the innocent of options and perpetuates cycles of desperation. We saw the darkness in raw form, and it was gut-wrenching meeting women trapped in its snare.
But instead of despair, we stepped into action because we’ve spent the last 12 years creating solutions to these terrible situations.
Yes, we witnessed darkness, but we were also blinded by the light of confidence and empowerment happening though dignified work that is creating space between innocence and evil. It’s light and bright and breathtaking and it is working!
Mercy House Global can offer a home to pregnant girls, freedom for enslaved teens and underaged laborers, justice for child brides, options for survival prostitutes, empowerment for orphan-led homes, healing for violated minors, and jobs to marginalized women, butthese programs will only work if you complete the circle.
Our answer to these terrible situations is job creation in Jesus’ name so that vulnerable families can live sustainable lives.
Honestly, I want to beg you to stand with me against the world’s contradictions. Instead, I simply invite you to step into this holy story and complete the circle.
Woven Together
Sep 23, 2022
She tugged slightly on the thread and gathered the woven fabric under her fingers. With a critical eye, she leaned back to give her creation a better look. A smile formed at the corner of her mouth. It was good.
I watched this play out as she sat at a large wooden loom, in a light-filled room, in a slum in the heart of Kenya this week. I wish I could describe the feeling of hope that settled into my soul –how the pull and push of the loom and the rhythmic cadence sounded like a steady heart beat.
Every thread represented something — a pain from the past, a dream for the future, the even and intentional tangle of threads woven together to make something new and beautiful.
This is the story of our lives; the redemption thread traced through God’s plan for each of us.
We followed the path to the weaver’s home and sat in awe at the unbelievable transformation since becoming a Mercy House Global artisan four years ago.
Her daughter, now a college student and her granddaughter, born at Rehema House six years ago, are thriving.
As I sat on her neat sofa in the beautiful room, all I could think about was the light radiating from this home, this woman, her family-it was blinding. And I cried because it filled me with hope and reminded me how God weaves stories of hope and hopelessness together to show us where we have been and where He can take us.
Just a few hours earlier, we had visited another grandmother to a different Rehema resident and had to feel our way in the dark as we stood shoulder to shoulder in an 8×8 airless room. I don’t know what was more oppressive –the darkness or hopelessness.
We quietly listened to the heartbreak and we ached with every word.
The tears that silently fell on behalf of this precious grandmother in the darkness of the room couldn’t be seen, but they were there. Grief filled the room.
I thought of Job and the devotion I’d read that morning by Chris Tiegreen, “Even in the midst of his darkest season, Job knew that the apparent absence of God was not a sign of his disfavor–or even worse, that He was somehow unjust. Job knew his own heart, he trusted God’s, and he believed everything would work out in the end. He couldn’t explain why bad things were happening or how a good God would allow them.
But in the dark, he trusted what he learned in the light.”
What the heavy room needed most was the light only hope could bring because “hope is being able to see that there is light despite all the darkness,” Desmond Tutu said.
Sitting in the darkness left us with only one option: we must trust what we learned in the light.
We prayed over the sweet grandma and asked God for her miracle. Four years ago, visits like this shook me to my core, and left me feeling hopeless at the desperation.
But today, after years of development and progress, we have beautiful light-filled stories and programs for desperate women. And these two grandmothers with the same- but different stories- would soon be co-workers.
Two women. Two stories. Hope and hopelessness. One God weaving them together because “The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5
I am in Kenya this week preparing for a special event tomorrow (Sept. 24) at 10 AM CST . Trust me, you don’t want to miss it! It will fill you with hope for this often dark world.
RSVP here and be an eyewitness to the massive story God is weaving.
Turning Your Pit Into a Well
Sep 16, 2022
I have spent much of 2022 in a pit.
I don’t say that to alarm you. I share it because it’s true.
On one particularly hard day, my husband was also struggling to hope and he said jokingly, “I need you to throw me a rope, so I can climb out of this pit.”
I said “Dude, you’re standing on my shoulders.”
And so we wallowed in the pit together.
Fun times.
While I don’t have three easy steps to climb out of the darkness, I can tell you that deep pits that threaten to destroy us can become deep wells that we draw strength from.
The deeper the well, the more likely the water. The only difference between a pit and a well is iwater. Sometimes we have to go deeper in our pain , circumstances, trust— to hit the bottom.
Living water brings life and turns pits into wells. Thomas Fuller says, “We never know the worth of water until the well is dry.”
A couple of years ago, a friend who was moving out of state, gifted me her 8 foot fiddle leaf fig tree. I was a fairly new plant lady, but I knew the value of the beautiful tree. It became my goal to keep the plant alive. I watered it weekly, sprayed its leaves so they would shine and fed it special food.
It mostly thrived that first year, but I noticed it wasn’t growing straight and seemed weak. Here’s what I learned: Fiddle Leaf Figs in particular, can grow quite weak and do not support themselves very well as the lack of wind indoors means that they do not strengthen over time. Grabbing the trunk and simulating a “storm” or wind a few times a week, can strengthen them.
The harder the wind blows the deeper our roots grow.
God uses the pits and storms to strengthen us.
Welcome the wind. Make peace in the pit. Wade in the well. See the storm for what it is: an opportunity to drink from Living Water and never thirst again.
The other day someone asked me if I was still in a deep pit… I told them it’s all in how you look at it.
Tomorrow, I head back to Kenya with Mercy House Global. It seems fitting that I share that here since this is where my journey of obedience began almost 13 years ago.
If you haven’t RSVP’d for the event, you can do that for free. You will hear first-hand testimony from some beautiful teen moms, artisans, and empowered women who have turned their pits of despair into wells of hope.
Something New Will Be Born in the Pain
Sep 01, 2022
Nearly two years ago, I dropped shrunken dried bulbs into what I hoped would become a flower garden.
I didn’t know that bulbs have a top and a bottom. I planted them upside down and covered them with thick dirt.
I buried hope in the ground upside down.
Stay with me.
Did those large dormant seeds even stand a chance buried in the darkness ?
Here’s the incredible truth about a seed: because it was born to grow, it reaches for the light.
I don’t know how it happens, but somehow in some scientific magical way, underground upside bulbs slowly turn themselves right side up and reach for the sun.
Something hard—and beautiful — happens in the darkness.
It’s difficult to describe the last six months.
When the floor gave way on March 3, 2022, I found it challenging to stand firm. My first reaction was to cling and control.
This became a physical, spiritual and emotional free-falling. Flailing.
Mercy House was displaced. So was I.
Everything felt unstable, out of balance. Temporary.
Painful. And I don’t just mean the ministry I lead— my marriage, parenting, me. Darkness threatens everything.
I Cor 15:58 both mocked and made me: “Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”
Here’s the thing about being buried: it’s not wasted.
Keep going. Keep toiling. It’s not in vain. No matter how hard it is. Even if it’s fruitless.
Even if your standing firm looks like crawling on the floor.
Jesus redeems everything.
“Jesus’ words to his disciples are just as true for us today. We will weep and mourn. We will have sorrow. And our sorrow will turn to joy. Today, in the tension of pain that persists, we are living the reality Jesus named. Here we find the descending, rising rhythm that creates our new life. As Henri Nouwen says, “It is the way in which pain can be embraced, not out of a desire to suffer, but in the knowledge that something new will be born in the pain.” KJ Ramsey
I’m back on firm ground today— physically, mentally, spiritually— in all the ways. Oh, I still battle anxiety, fear, and doubt, but just in the regular Kristen-way.
Pain birthed a deeper dependence in me. It forced my hand open—instead of clinging for control, in my fragile state, I had no choice but to be held.
A spring, summer and fall passed and nothing erupted from the ground where I planted those bulbs in the front yard.
I thought they had given up … that the darkness had overwhelmed them… that my planting error provided them with no way out.
It turns out they just needed more time. They shouldn’t be blooming today, but they are. We don’t always grown on schedule.
Don’t give up, dear friend, Jesus is working in the darkness. He promises something new will be born in the pain.
Jesus is Praying for You Right Now
Aug 04, 2022
When I was a child, I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard something in the next room. It scared me at first, the muffled words. My childhood wasn’t perfect, but my parents did their best.
I got out of bed and snuck around the corner and saw my dad in his old blue robe kneeling at his favorite chair. His Bible was open: I stopped short because I heard my name.
I have carried this memory with me—of my father— praying over me in the next room.
These are heavy days and I have struggled this year. Mercy House Global has struggled too.
Can I say that?
On the way to work one day, I listened to a book about the nature of Jesus.
I had to literally pull over to write these words down: Jesus is praying for me (you) right now.
I was listening to the book Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund and the words —the very thought— brought tears to my eyes.
And so I keep saying them—day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute… Jesus is here and He’s praying for me. He’s in the next room praying out loud over me right now. Over you.
Listen.
The last five months have been some of the hardest. In my sorrow and stress, I wish I would have stopped and listened to Jesus more in the next room, saying my name.
He is our intercessor. I know that to intercede for someone means to intervene. There have been many times in my life where I have interceded for someone else, through prayer, by showing up. And people have done the same for me.
What does it really mean for Jesus to be our intercessor? I’ve never truly understood until now: He intervenes on our behalf constantly.
Christ is praying for us even when we are negligent in our prayer life
He lives to intercede for us (Hebrews 7:25)
Lean in. Can you hear your name on his lips?
The doctrine of intercession assures us of what he is doing in the present; right now, at this moment.
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30
This favorite passage offers an invitation —it’s open to everyone—but it’s specifically for the weary.
The difficulty is still here. I’m still struggling. The circumstances haven’t really changed…. But remembering I’m not alone, listening for the prayers—my name— in the next room… it’s enough.
Faith > Fruit
Jul 09, 2022
Faith > Fruit
I need to talk about this here so that it’s a permanent part of my story. It will be wordy and messy— as most processing is.
Faith is > greater than fruit.
I told my husband last night I literally need this phrase etched on my skin as knuckle tats.
He gave me a worried look.
I don’t make a habit of regretting saying yes to God in starting Mercy House Global —even on the darkest days.
But when you talk about something being hard for so long and “hard” becomes the norm, I think the temptation is to lose perspective.
And maybe —going on 13 years of this yes- that is what is happening to me? I’m fighting to keep perspective.
Starting a nonprofit (as an unqualified, inexperienced 34 year old woman) that now provides jobs for 30 staff in Kenya, 30 in Magnolia, TX, so that hundreds of trafficked teens and their babies can choose life in Kenya and thousands of artisans can provide for their families around the globe— well, it’s hard, to put it lightly.
It turns out keeping it going—- even harder.
Doing so —in, through and after a pandemic—followed by a maternity home burning down, losing our USA warehouse earlier this year and to still be “in business” is miraculous.
Now we are facing a serious economic downturn, higher cost to do business, more expensive rent (forced to leave red barn) lower sales, donations and I’m considering tattoos on my knuckles.
Hard took a turn.
The only thing that calms my fears, eases my frustration, helps me put one foot in front of the other, is remembering my one job: faithfulness.
It’s our calling in this life— to keep showing up, doing the next right thing, abiding in Jesus. Trust the Gardener, stay attached to the vine- this is the ultimate goal.
Gardening a plot in my backyard has taught me that even in droughts, rocky ground, poor soil and the worst conditions, somehow things grow. We plant seeds, water, do what we can, but the harvest belongs to God.
And sometimes things die.
This is also the cycle of growing things.
Honestly, one of my biggest fears is that one day, I will share a post that says Mercy House Global is ending because we ran high on hard and low on money.
We’ve had enough miracle moments to remind me this could happen.
I would be heartbroken.
I will have been faithful.
I pray that day never comes and somehow this organization continues for decades in the fight against the oppression of women… but we all know that isn’t really up to me.
Faith > Fruit
I truly believe the reason Mercy House exists is because a lot of faithful people abide in the vine. And God uses our collective resources to produce good fruit.
In a lot of ways, it mirrored my own–the startup, the striving, the struggle, the surrender.
It seemed like she was miles ahead of me in her business success and ministry scope, so her words inspired me to stay focused on the path, and maybe one day I would achieve the same.
But then her story took a turn as she vulnerably shared details I couldn’t have known from the outside–the debt, the disasters, the decline.
Bankruptcy.
This word snapped me back into her present telling because I definitely didn’t want that part of the story.
And then she said it–the phrase I can’t stop whispering to myself: One day can change everything.
She said literally, overnight, with one giant unexpected, open door, it all disappeared: the debt and the decline. One day changed everything.
Tears formed as I silently repeated her words that filled me with hope.
I believe God can do anything with anyone, anywhere. He is unlimited and all-powerful. He doesn’t need us to do anything, but He graciously invites us to be a part so that we can see His glory.
As I turned the hope over and around in my mind for days, I clung to the encouragement personally. It’s been a challenging season as a leader of a non-profit in this post-pandemic, broken-supply chain world, now experiencing an economic downturn. I felt like I needed to believe that in a moment, every financial burden could end.
And it can. I believe it because I believe in God. But even if it doesn’t, I keep working to be faithful in the daily ups and downs.
Then the thought hit me hard: God spoke those words through my friend –not necessarily as a personal promise of a windfall that would conclude the endless fundraising and struggle–but as a reminder to me and proclamation for the marginalized women waiting on rescue: One day can change their everything.
The hopeless, oppressed pregnant teen girls enduring a daily hell, crying out for relief in their suffering, are hoping that one day something will change everything.
This is why She is Priceless exists. It’s an opportunity to stop in the middle of an ordinary Tuesday and remember the countless women around the world who need one day to change everything.
In God’s gentleness, He showed me that a day that changes everything for me, improves my life, but a day changed for oppressed, pregnant teens in Kenya saves two lives.
And guess what? They are connected because our generosity can provide for their physical rescue and eventually expose them to a spiritual rescue.
One Resurrection day changed everything. Because He lives we can face tomorrow.
AND TOMORROW IS THE DAY THAT CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING!
When you give to She Is Priceless on Tuesday, May10th–it will fund the rescue of six of the most precious teens in Kenya; provide for their babies births and several years of care for all of them. It will allow us to empower and employ widows as artisans and respond to the astounding global refugee crisis.
Your gift will change someone’s day. And the best news is that releasing what’s in your hand will change you.
When a new girl comes home to the sisterhood of second chances in Kenya, it’s a celebration like you’ve never witnessed. The dancing and screaming, the joy. You can feel it in your bones. Once it subsides, there’s a beautiful table set and feast is shared. Girls have come home.
You’re invited to the table; there’s a seat waiting for you.
Between a Rock and a Hard Place
May 04, 2022
There are rocks in my garden.
Most people take rocks out, but I put rocks in and around each of my raised beds. They do more than serve as a pathway for my wandering feet. They hold space.
The other day I was tenderly walking on the path barefoot. I stepped on a raised rock that immediately made me stop and reach for it as it was uncomfortable underfoot. I held the smooth stone in my hand and stood there, thinking about the song lyrics that had been rolling around in my head for a week.
And I will build an altar And stack it stone by stone ‘Cause every Ebenezer says I’ve never been alone My faith will surely falter But that don’t change what You’ve done ‘Cause every Ebenezer points to where my help comes from
I don’t regret much in the past decade. I’ve never found it to be productive to wish and wander about how things could have gone or things I should have done. But as I stood holding that rock, I regretted not setting aside rocks to remember every time God has come through in the last dozen years.
In Hebrew, the word Ebenezer means “stone of help.” An Ebenezer moment is when God changes a bad situation around quickly. It’s a reminder of when God intervenes in our lives. We memorialize our loved ones with rocks as a way to remember them; we build statues out of rocks so we don’t forget. Samuel took a stone and set it up . . . and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, “Till now the Lord has helped us.” I Samuel 7:12
As I looked at the thousands of rocks peppering my garden, I thought–this is my Ebenezer. This place where I grow things is a reminder of how I have grown.
Last week, in a moment of deep disappointment and fear, I texted a friend and asked for prayer for my unbelief. I wanted to believe God for a miracle. Another impossibility. It felt like a Red Sea moment–you know the kind: the only way out was forward but I was afraid of what was in front of me.
I can’t imagine the thoughts Moses must have had standing at the edge of the sea with a staff in hand, enemies hot on his track and a God’s people looking for him to lead–to take that step into victory.
He stood firm. God didn’t bring them to this place, this moment to leave them alone. He brought them there to bring them through. It may have looked really bad, but God was in a cloud by day and pillar of fire by night. Obedience led them to this miracle territory.
I wonder if Moses bent down and picked up a rock before he raised his staff and took that step and led his people to freedom. Or when the wall of water crushed his enemies on the other side did he put a smooth stone in his pocket?
I don’t have the miracle yet, but I have stone in hand ready for a rock alter. I’m standing firm. I’m sitting in my garden, counting rocks, stacking them stone by stone, remembering I’ve been here so many times before–never alone.
King David said, the Lord was his rock, his fortress, deliverer, strength, shield, stronghold, and the horn of his salvation (Ps. 18:2)
There’s not another place I’d rather be than between the rock (of ages) and a hard place.
Trust the Process
Apr 25, 2022
I’ve been having night terrors or nocturnal panic attacks for the past 6 weeks.
I fall asleep and wake an hour or two later in confused fear. It’s like my body and mind are out of sync and sometimes it feels like I’m trying to reach the surface from the bottom of the ocean and I run out of breath before I reach the top. Other times it feels like I’m trapped or falling.
These nighttime panic attacks are a real blast.
When my body catches up to my brain, my eyes pop open and I fly out of bed— shaking, sweating, sometimes crying, fighting to stay awake-sometimes for hours- until the fear subsides.
The first few times it happened, I tried to figure out what was causing it, but I couldn’t put a name to what I was afraid of or even decide what might be bothering me.
Every attack left me with the same ending: I was scared to go back to sleep because I didn’t want it to happen again.
During the daytime hours, busy with family and work. I felt fine— no sign of panic or even anxiety.
It dawned on me that the nighttime attacks began happening around the same time as the partial upstairs collapse of the Mercy House Global warehouse and I wondered if they were somehow related or if it was just a coincidence. I was in the building when it happened six weeks ago and it was very scary, but I was okay, right?
After a particularly rough night, where I spent most middle of the night and early morning hours between my bed and living room sofa, playing and replaying scriptures on my phone and looping worship songs about peace, I drove my sleep-deprived body to work the next morning, crying most of the drive.
I needed help. I was exhausted.
I pulled over and I texted a pastor and asked for a Biblical counseling session. He met me that afternoon. Tears filled my eyes before he asked a question or I said a word. Just thinking about the vulnerable conversation that was about to happen made me weep.
I’m going to cry, I announced as I looked around for Kleenex. He waited for me to return with a box of tissues.
The thirty minute session turned into two hours, thanks to his generosity. I basically recounted the past two years in a stream of consciousness flow and I talked about Covid and how it changed so many things…how 2021 began with one of the three maternity homes in Kenya burning down, kids heading to college, my daughter’s autoimmune disease, and I remember saying something about not even trusting a floor not to fail anymore…I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is spiritual or physical but I’m so tired.
He listened and took notes and then asked this question, “When did you stop writing?”
I thought it was an odd question. What does that have to do with midnight panic?
“I guess in March of 2020, after Made to Move Mountains came out and the pandemic started a week later…” I answered thoughtfully.
We talked about my writing journey … how it started as a way for me to process motherhood, what it became once Mercy House Global started, and why I stopped (so many reasons–it felt like work, it felt like failure, it felt too hard to make the time).
“Okay, if you’re not writing anymore, how are you processing things?” He asked.
Silence.
More silence.
I had no idea. I, mean, I know there are a lot of ways to process things, but I just honestly didn’t know if I was doing any of them.
He leaned in, “I think you’re fine during the day because you’re busy and there’s always so much to do, but at night when your body slows down, your mind doesn’t stop. Maybe your brain is trying to process all that has happened. Try writing again. Something. Anything.”
That night, I wrote the first few sentences of this blog post. For the last week, I’ve written a few more, each day…slowly. I think I’ve got a lot to say.
I stopped writing because I was doing it for others.
I’ve started again because I’m doing it for me.
Oh, I’ve slept like a peaceful baby the past week.
An Invitation to Grow
Mar 22, 2022
2020: When the floor beneath us figuratively disappeared two years ago with the onset of the pandemic, we fought hard to continue the empowering work of Mercy House Global around the globe.
2021: When the floor, walls, and the entire structure of our Transition Maternity Home in Kenya was destroyed in a fire in January 2021, Mercy House Global lost 1/3 of our assets and we begged God to turn beauty out of ashes.
2022: When the floor literally collapsed beneath us two weeks ago in our USA warehouse in Magnolia, Texas, causing a sudden and unplanned evacuation to a nearby church for the foreseeable future, we continued our plan of obedience and raised more than $100,000 for our brothers and sisters in Ukraine.
If time has taught us anything, it’s that we never know when the floor under our feet may fail. But it’s in the falling, we might just find our way.
We grow in the darkness.
Mercy House Global has been in existence for 12 years and I think it’s safe to say–the last few have made the early hard years feel easy. We are still trying to recover from losing ground —literally.
Mercy House Global is unique in its mission—we not only respond through donations to huge global crisis’ from Kenya to Ukraine to resettled Afghan refugees; we also come along side marginalized women in crisis —personally, one by one. From young teen moms in Kenya, to grandmothers at weaving looms, to Syrian candlemakers, Afghan women in need of English classes to Ukrainian pastors– we provide dignified jobs as a gateway to introduce the Gospel and meet immediate physical needs like food and rent.
We do both because both work.
You’ve been there when the floors under our feet as a ministry have disappeared, burned and caved—you have responded. Thank you. look you in the eyes and say those heartfelt words.
The monthly subscription clubs at Fair Trade Friday—the main vehicle we use to provide many, many jobs and support our maternity homes in Kenya, wants to grow with you.
Honestly, the floor feels a little unsteady in light of the economy, supply chain issues, inflation and war.
Today, we have 200 open memberships that represent 200 floors that need shoring.
As a thank you gift for joining, we will send you an amazing Fair Trade gift along with your first box. Plus, use the code jointheclub and get an additional $5 off.
Would you consider filling your home and meeting your gift-giving needs with fair trade items that provide so much good in our hurting world?
I have no doubt the ground beneath us will continue to shake and quake in this difficult endeavor. I honestly expect the enemy to try to and stop God’s good work
Falling has led us to Jesus. Join us at ground-level as we continue to follow Him.
The Day The Floor Gave Way
Mar 14, 2022
Sometimes you fall down, because there is something down there that you are supposed to find. -Anonymous
When the floor beneath us figuratively and collectively disappeared two years ago, I spent most of my time just trying to stay afloat, afoot, around.
I feel like I’ve been crawling around on the floor in the dark–hands out reaching in the unseen and unknown, feeling, not finding. Months have turned to years, waiting, wondering, worrying, wishing for a normal that has been lost forever.
My last book, Made to Move Mountains was born at the beginning of a pandemic and I find that ironic because I’ve done more hanging on for dear life while dangling off the cliff, than actual climbing or mountain moving.
As you know, playing live characters in a living history book, while its unfolding, is exhausting.
I haven’t had words for so long and I’ve wondered if I would ever find them again. I only have streams of consciousness now, a tangle of messy heart and soul.
Social media, with its influencers and irritating filters, is still trying to make everything pretty even in the wake of our mutual grief. Scrolling feeds now makes me angry and sad. We consume and maybe don’t even know we are being consumed and still feel empty after an Insta hit? I’m glad I don’t know how to grow a following anymore. I’m just trying to follow Jesus.
My youngest, now 15, said wistfully a couple of months ago, “Our best last year was 2019.” The truth of her words made me sad. We talked about finding the good even in the bad. Before I could assure her and promise everything would be okay, Russia invaded Ukraine and our friends began running for their lives as we’ve observed a painful play-by-play. I was thankful I didn’t offer platitudes that would ring hollow.
Maybe nothing will ever be okay again? I don’t know.
Fifteen years ago, I met my first Russian-speaking refugee friends and they greatly influenced the start of Mercy House Global. When mutual friends became refugees in Ukraine this month, we looked for a way to respond, a way to give, a way to come together as a community and walk in obedience.
Last Thursday, I was standing with my refugee friends preparing to raise money for Ukraine when the second story floor began to collapse under our feet. As we fell, we clung to each other, immediately prayed and slowly, carefully moved to safety.
There was no doubt this was a spiritual attack and I’ve thought of this truth by Lisa Bevere so many times since, “Obedience is the highest form of spiritual warfare.” There was also no denying we should continue moments after the collapse with our fundraising plan for Ukraine. More than $100,000 has gone to assist our thousands and thousands in Ukraine–thank you, God.
Together we’ve been walking through a storm —tossed and turned in different directions. But here’s the thing about storms: they make roots stronger.
Often when we feel buried, we discover we have actually been planted. God is in the darkness where we are growing, even when we can’t see a thing. “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18
“Be obedient even when you do not know where obedience may lead you,” Sinclair Ferguson. We never know when the floor under our feet may fail. But it’s in the falling, we might just find our way.
I still don’t know what comes next, but I’m discovering that falling feels a lot like flying.
Uninvovled Parenting: How Not To Be an Uninvolved Parent
Feb 16, 2022
I’ve discovered the secret to raising, happy, grateful and successful kids..
Lean in and I’ll tell you…It doesn’t exist.
Every home and every kid is different. That’s one of the things that makes family life so amazing and challenging–we are all unique! There are no two famlies exactly alike. What works for one, might not work for the other. We are all doing the best we can.
But I’m all ears when I hear what works for someone else because you never know–it might work for my family too. The beauty of not being an indifferent parent is we can learn from each other’s mistakes and successes.
A serious risk in our culture is falling prey to becoming an uninvolved parent. Culture will be more than happy to raise our kids if we let it. Between the ever-present damage of a constant social media presence with its unattainable filtered perfection and the danger of giving into passive parenting because standing firm consistently, the risk of negligent parenting is a real enemy.
Uninvolved Parenting: 6 Ways Not to Be an Uninvolved Parent
1. Make Home The Safest Place
“I hope you don’t act this way at school!” Raise your hand if you’ve said it. I have. I used to wonder why my kids would get glowing reports at school, church, and extracurricular activities, and then come home and act like little devils. An older mom once cleared it up for me. “Kristen, isn’t this what you want? You teach them how to act and treat others, and they are doing it where it’s most important. They conform to society’s rules of no touching or talking in the hallway, and when they get home, they just need to let it all out. They feel safe at home—that’s why you see them at their worst.” Well, let me tell you, that was good news for this mom. That’s not to say from that moment on, it was a free-for-all at home. We kept the same structure and rules as we always had, but it helped me understand the difference in the two environments.
I want my home to be a safe place. I want it to be the place they bring their friends and hang out. I want my kids to feel secure enough to confess their struggles and sin and share their successes.
2. Choose Relationship over Rules
My nature is to be a rule follower. Although we’re trying to raise our kids in a grace-filled home, sometimes old habits die hard. It took me a long time to see that rule-following doesn’t always reflect a heart for doing what’s right. When we choose grace over legalism, we are really choosing relationship over rules.
That’s not to say we shouldn’t have rules. I have a long list. But there must be flexibility, too. There will be times when we have to lay aside our rules to save the relationship. For example, early on I made the rule that everyone had to eat everything on their dinner plates every night or else face consequences. I tried to enforce it, but one of my kids has struggled for years with sensory reactions to certain food textures that makes doing what I’ve asked a consistent battle. So instead, I avoid the couple of foods that trigger this kid’s issues and, as a rule, I ask the sensitive eater to try whatever is served because “you just might like it.” And if this kid doesn’t, there is always peanut butter and bread available; I’m not fixing two dinners. (Some of you die-hard “sit there until your dinner is gone, and if you don’t eat it, you’re having it for breakfast” people are cringing right now, I’m sure.) But we’ve found something that works for us, because my way was actually making dinner a nightmare for our family, and it was hurting my relationship with my child.
When our kids push against us, our first reaction is to push back. But many times when they are struggling, they don’t need more discipline—they need more love.
3. Choose to Live in Community
We intentionally spend time with people who want the same results we do. That doesn’t mean it’s perfect or even tidy, but when we let people into our lives and become vulnerable, they are going to see our mess. They will know we don’t have it all together; they will see that we are just like them. We learn better together. Helping our kids connect with believers their age has always been a very high priority for our family. This commitment has been lifesaving in many ways because it has given them positive peer influence in every season.
A few months ago, I sat in a room with other non-profit leaders and we all had cardboard signs in our hands with the words “Me, too” printed across them. Every time someone would share something private and personal–a struggle or a strain, if we identified, we would silently hold up our signs.
And say, “Me, too.” It was a powerful movement of encouragement. We cried and complained and there was compassion.
Every mother has nearly lost a child, looked away for a second, or made a mistake on their watch. My first time was when my firstborn toddled out the sliding patio door in the kitchen while I turned around to switch on the oven for dinner. I didn’t realize she was in the doghouse in the backyard until I’d frantically searched and screamed through the house for her for several minutes.
Parents don’t need guilt or shame heaped on their heads. We have plenty of it already. What we need is to know we aren’t alone. Community reminds us of this truth. Parenting alone leads to uninvolved parenting.
4. Pray for Your Children
Nothing we do or say can ever substitute for bowing our heads and praying for our children. There have been some really hard days in this journey when I’ve gone to bed burdened for one of my kids and slept fitfully, only to face another conflict the next morning. I have wanted to give up many times. And I have found comfort and peace in only one place—on my knees. There is something deeply spiritual and healing about humbling our bodies and our pride and laying the burden at Jesus’ feet.
Prayer is often the last thing we think of when it comes to difficult parenting days. We reserve it for our desperate moments, when there’s an unexpected diagnosis or rebellion. But God wants to walk this path with us. As a mom, nothing makes me feel less alone or more encouraged than giving my parenting burdens to the One who parents me.
5. Stay Connected in a Detached Parenting World
Most parents don’t prepare for adolescence in any way. This is a core problem. When you ask parents of preteens how many of them would like their children to have the same experience they had in adolescence, there aren’t many hands that go up. But those same parents often become increasingly detached as their children move into the adolescent years. It’s critical that as our kids mature, parents do too in their involvement. The older kids get, the more they need their parents.
6. Refuse to Overlook the Moments Right Under Your Nose
In “For Better or For Kids” by Patrick and Ruth Schwenk Life share about life with kids in the house and how fast it becomes. “During this season the busy, hurried life is our new normal. The blessings of a life with balance, rest, and rhythm are a distant memory. With so many demands on our time, it is easy for us to lose sight of our purpose as a family and the love we share as a couple.
When life is moving fast, it’s easy to focus on the time we don’t have.
But when we focus on what we don’t have, we can overlook the moments that are right under our nose.
We are learning to make the most of those bits of time we have alone. Just recently, our kids were playing at a friend’s house. We knew we had about an hour to ourselves. It was tempting to use that precious time to catch up on email, clean, or tackle some of the other things that needed doing.
Instead, we went for a walk. A nice, quiet walk together.
Sometimes redeeming the time we have means sneaking out for a lunch date, enjoying coffee together in the morning, running to the grocery store together, or conversing over a cup of tea at night.
These brief moments are really rather ordinary, but they become significant moments when we share them together.
Time does not come to us wrapped in a nice, neat package. Our gifts of time for each other are not always flashy or romantic. Time often shows up unannounced, in scattered moments. So we do our best to take advantage of the little moments God gives us to cultivate and nurture our marriage. We may not have much when it comes to time together, but how we use what we have matters a lot.”
Neglectful parenting isn’t usually intentional. It can happen when we get too busy, distracted, sidetracked. Living in the moment, loving well, carving out time for memories and moments–these are the ways we stay involved in our kids’ lives.
[LIMITED TIME] Get a Copy of my book Raising World Changers in a Changing World FREE
Almost any parent you ask will tell you that they want their children to be happy, successful adults. But many of us forget (or never knew to begin with) that lasting personal joy is not necessarily found the way the world says it is–through reaching a certain socioeconomic status, having a certain job, buying a certain house, or having a certain amount in one’s bank account. In fact, personal satisfaction comes not from grabbing on to things but from holding them with an open hand and, very often, giving them away.
In this inspiring book, popular parenting blogger and author Kristen Welch shows parents how to discover for themselves and instill in their kids the profound joy that comes from sharing what we have been given–our time, our talents, and even what’s in our wallets–with those who have less. Through powerful personal stories as well as stories from Scripture, Welch offers a tantalizing alternative to status quo parenting that has the power to impact not only our own families but also the entire world.
Claim your FREE copy for a limited time by clicking here and using the code Freeparentingbook.
Everything You Need to Know about Gentle Parenting
Feb 03, 2022
In my first few years of adjusting to motherhood, I made a lot of mistakes (and I’m not referring to buying a “colic machine” that vibrated my crying baby’s crib. Scam. I got a refund).
I worried a lot and second-guessed myself. Why is she crying? Is she hungry? Why won’t she sleep? I struggled with trying to control this new little human. Some days I spent hours trying to get my baby to sleep and other days I would go to great lengths to wake my sleeping baby so I could feed her.
My glaring inadequacies were more noticeable and I began to understand for the first time as a new parent how God feels about me, His child. Parenting is God’s mirror: it shows us a reflection of ourselves as we really are. I see myself in my children—good traits and bad—the way God sees me.
God is tender with me. He is gentle.
What Is Gentle Parenting?
It is intentional child-rearing that includes: empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries (discipline).
If you’ve ever had a two-year-old have a complete meltdown, kicking and screaming included, in a quiet library filled with serious book readers, you know what I mean. I’ll never forget marching my child back in the next day, so we could apologize, hoping they wouldn’t recognize us. They knew exactly who we were. I don’t think I went back to the library for a year after that.
I am stubborn too. I want freedom and choices. I want things my way. God is there, a constant. He never stops loving me. He is patient. He waits. I can see it now: the reflection. The gentle way He parents me. His discipline comes from abiding love. “Yes, I’m beginning to understand, God.” Thankfully, God isn’t repelled by our neediness.
Parenting is a journey. We don’t ever truly arrive. As our children grow, their needs change. Problems come and go, but they will always be our kids. I don’t want to wish away today thinking tomorrow will be easier with my children. I want to live today the best I can and learn from it.
I had reminded my notebook-forgetting child three times to get it off the stairs where it lay all weekend. And earlier in the week, when I’d dropped off the forgotten book in a rainstorm, I had said, “This is the last time I’m doing this.” Forgetfulness had become a recurring issue and it was time to put a stop to it.
Before I could respond, there was another text, “Mom? Are you there?”
I knew this wasn’t going to go over well. Sometimes doing the right thing as a parent is the hardest thing.
I took a deep breath and typed these words, “I’m sorry you forgot your notebook. Unfortunately, I cannot bring it to you.”
Send.
“Why? What r you doing?” was the response.
“I’m working at the warehouse and I have volunteers here. Plus, I already told you I would not bring anything else to school. I’m sorry, but the answer is no.”
I went back to work and all but ignored the vibrating phone. When I glanced again, I winced at these words, “You don’t understand, Mom. You just don’t care.”
The hard words found their mark and for a split second I nearly caved. Our kids know exactly what to say, don’t they? And I did feel bad. I felt horrible that my kid was about to learn a big lesson in responsibility and consequences.
It was hard not to imagine my child standing up in front of the class to do a presentation without notes. I really did feel bad.
I texted, “When I tell you no– it doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means the opposite.”
And while my kids might not be old or mature enough to believe or get this principal yet, it’s the truth.
Sometimes saying no is about not allowing them to go somewhere or be with someone or do something. Sometimes I get to say yes and that’s my favorite, but many times, no is the best answer.
Recently, I observed a woman in the store who could not tell her preschooler no. I mean she said it, but she just didn’t enforce it. And after watching him do the opposite of everything she said she continually changed the rules required of him, he started hitting her and calling her names. She laughed it off and I felt really sorry for both of them. Because what might seem like a harmless phase or stage now, can quickly become the norm. And if we don’t learn to tell our children nowhen that’s the best answer, one day they might just wonder if we really care at all. Kids aren’t meant to lead parents, it’s the other way around.
We say no because we want them to respect us. And themselves.
We say no because we want to respect ourselves.
We say no because real life won’t always tell them yes.
We say no because we want to protect them from things they don’t understand.
We say no now so we can say yes later.
We say no because we love them.
My friend Sally Clarkson, in a previous guest post, shared these 5 helpful ways to show unconditional love as a gentle parent:
5 Gentle Parenting Techniques
1. Embrace Empathy
“If there’s one thing a mama needs desperately, it’s patience, and we all know that life with children requires lots of it. The key to patience with my children, I’ve found, is empathy. It’s helped me to remind myself often of my own feelings as a young child, teen, and even young adult, when helplessness, frustration over my lack of control over my life, and discouragement were common to me. So they are to my sweet children. H. Clay Trumbull wrote, “It is not an easy thing for a parent of today to bear always in mind that every child of his is as truly an individual as he was when he was a child.” When adults had expectations set too high, when schedules were more important than my feelings or extenuating circumstances, when I’d had too much of instruction and not enough understanding, my discouragement grew and my ability to behave well was lessened. It takes a moment for me to breathe and put myself into my children’s shoes, but the patience this exercise in empathy brings is always worth it for all of us.
2. Acknowledge and Accept
Every mama greets her newborn babe with joy and expectation. Like it or not, we look into those tiny faces and there’s a lifetime of hopes and dreams uncovered in our hearts. As our children grow and we begin to see areas in which we fear their personalities and quirks and perhaps even handicaps threaten those dreams, our reactions are predictably negative. Reminding myself that Nathan was God’s gift to me, formed exactly as God planned, wired in a particular fashion with a specific personality and abilities designed to fulfill God’s plan for his life in his generation, transformed our relationship. “You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well” ((Psalm 139:13-14).
3. Read and Research
We all want to be understood and accepted just as we are, and children are no exception. While many people shy away from labeling their children’s personality quirks, mental illnesses, learning disorders, etc., our family found that actually, these definitions helped us better understand and live life alongside one another. Labeling someone in order to pigeonhole or categorize or put them in a box is unhelpful, but using those “labels” in order to learn more about another person and what makes them ‘tick’ can be incredibly helpful and empowering. We like the MBTI personality tests and definitions and keeping those things we’ve learned in mind especially as we interact with one another in our family.
4. Treasure Time
As a mama whose children are all grown and have flown the nest, I’m more aware than I’ve ever been that time with our children is fleeting. So here’s my advice: Take a deep breath and enjoy the moment in front of you. This is the only day you’re really guaranteed, so make it as full of love and life as you possibly can. Time spent listening to stories, offering understanding, rubbing backs, sharing cookies, walking in the park, correcting behavior; all of it is priceless and the best gift you can offer. And don’t forget, teens and young adults need you, too. The time together will be more difficult to find, but do it, anyway.
5. Listen and Learn
I’m a lover of words, and speaking comes easily to me. I have lots of advice and admonishment on tap for my children, and they know it! But I think it’s quite possible I’ve learned the most about how best to parent my children when I’ve really listened closely to their hearts so I can hear what they’re expressing to me. Finding time to listen takes a lot of intentional calendar and routine setting; whether it means a phone call every Saturday morning, tea at the local café every Tuesday afternoon, or a chat time together on my bed when the opportunity arises. Try to listen twice as much as you speak—it’s quite an exercise!
May you and your child grow closer throughout their growing-up years, and may their differences spur you to love further, deeper, longer than you could ever have imagined.”
At dinner a couple of years ago, a friend of my daughter’s was eating with us. My kids were teasing about how strict we were and listing off the rules we enforced, when this child looked up from their plate and said, “I wish my parents had rules. It would make me feel like they loved me more.”
It’s easy for our kids to whine and complain and even hate that we tell them no, until we don’t at all. We can do so with empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries.
Gentle Parenting vs. Attachment Parenting vs. Respectful Parenting
Gentle Parenting is the combination of four main elements in child-rearing: empathy, understanding, respect and boundaries (discipline). This evidence-based approach is proven in raising happy, determined kids. Gentleness in parenting allows us to remain calm, but firm during stressful times and sets a tone for positive growth.
Attachment Parenting is based on the theory that children learn, grow and eventually experience independence by having their needs constantly met on demand early in life. It stems from the idea that trust and love thrive through attachment early in life.
Respectful Parenting is parenting based on a mutually respectful relationship between parent and child. Instead of an authoritarian approach, the style focuses on working together to find solutions to everyday challenges.
[LIMITED TIME] Get a Copy of my book Raising World Changers in a Changing World FREE
Almost any parent you ask will tell you that they want their children to be happy, successful adults. But many of us forget (or never knew to begin with) that lasting personal joy is not necessarily found the way the world says it is–through reaching a certain socioeconomic status, having a certain job, buying a certain house, or having a certain amount in one’s bank account. In fact, personal satisfaction comes not from grabbing on to things but from holding them with an open hand and, very often, giving them away.
In this inspiring book, popular parenting blogger and author Kristen Welch shows parents how to discover for themselves and instill in their kids the profound joy that comes from sharing what we have been given–our time, our talents, and even what’s in our wallets–with those who have less. Through powerful personal stories as well as stories from Scripture, Welch offers a tantalizing alternative to status quo parenting that has the power to impact not only our own families but also the entire world.
Claim your FREE copy for a limited time by clicking here and using the code Freeparentingbook.
30 Bible Verses About Parenting That Change Everything
Feb 03, 2022
This is so hard, I thought as I shut our bedroom door and my husband pulled me close. I tried not to cry. We had just had a parenting night from hell.
If you’re a parent, you might just know what I’m talking about.
There was yelling and tears, hard conversations, hurt feelings, consequences and the symphony of slammed doors.
In less than half an hour and three conversations, we had made three kids angry and unhappy because we are just that good.
Parenting is not for wimps.
If it isn’t hard, maybe we aren’t doing it right? my husband said quietly in my ear.
I let his words sink in. Because too often I believe the lie that says if we were doing this parenting thing right, we wouldn’t fight or disagree or battle over opinions and attitudes. We wouldn’t hurt each other. We would be normal. We would do this better.
To be honest, parenting would be a lot easier if we didn’t care so much; if we didn’t try so hard; if we didn’t love so fiercely. We try to juggle grace and expectations and some nights all the balls come tumbling down.
But just because the road gets bumpy doesn’t mean we are off course. Actually, the right road is bumpy. The correct path does have obstacles and setbacks. The parenting journey is broken and beautiful at the same time.
Parents have bad days, so do kids. It doesn’t mean we have a bad life, but we can believe no matter what the day holds, God is good.
We both sat on the end of the bed and confessed our need for God. It’s in moments like these that God’s Word is a light to our feet and a lamp to our path.
Scripture can change our hearts, attitudes, everything. It can turn a day around, and a heart. It’s alive and it pierces. God gave us the Bible for instruction, encouragement and it brings peace.
30 Bible Verses About Parenting For Any Situation
For when you fight with (and for) your kids
2 Corinthians 13:11 “Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.”
For when you make a mistake and need to apologize
Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
For when you need to forgive
Colossians 3:13 “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
For when you need strength
Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
For when you need wisdom
Proverbs 4:6-7, “Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.”
For when you need to say no
1 Corinthians 15:58 “Be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord.”
For when you need joy in your home
Psalm 63:6-7 “For you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.”
For when you doubt
Proverbs 3:5-8 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.”
For when you are afraid
John 14:27 – “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
For when the future is daunting
Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
For when you need grace and need to extend it
2 Corinthians 12:9 “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”
For when you are angry
I Peter 4:8-11 “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.”
For when you are heartbroken
John 16:33 “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
For when you need peace
Matthew 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”
For when you are frustrated
Psalm 133:1 “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!”
For when you need patience
Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
For when you are confused
1 Corinthians 14:33 – “For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.”
For when you need community
Hebrews 10:24-25 “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another.”
For when you are worried
Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
For when you don’t know what to do
Ephesians 4:2-3
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
So, don’t give up, Mom. Don’t stop trying, Dad.
Yes, parenting is hard.
Especially when we’re doing it right.
[LIMITED TIME] Get a Copy of my book Raising World Changers in a Changing World FREE
Almost any parent you ask will tell you that they want their children to be happy, successful adults. But many of us forget (or never knew to begin with) that lasting personal joy is not necessarily found the way the world says it is–through reaching a certain socioeconomic status, having a certain job, buying a certain house, or having a certain amount in one’s bank account. In fact, personal satisfaction comes not from grabbing on to things but from holding them with an open hand and, very often, giving them away.
In this inspiring book, popular parenting blogger and author Kristen Welch shows parents how to discover for themselves and instill in their kids the profound joy that comes from sharing what we have been given–our time, our talents, and even what’s in our wallets–with those who have less. Through powerful personal stories as well as stories from Scripture, Welch offers a tantalizing alternative to status quo parenting that has the power to impact not only our own families but also the entire world.
Claim your FREE copy for a limited time by clicking here and using the code Freeparentingbook.
Open Your Heart
Jan 17, 2022
“Love is the greatest force in the universe. It is the heartbeat of the moral cosmos. He who loves is a participant in the being of God.” Martin Luther King
I checked the time and tried to mentally calculate the line of traffic ahead of me. The hospital on the other end of the phone and city confirmed that visiting hours would end soon.
I would have 30 minutes to spend with my dad. He was in the hospital again with a heart issue.
I was having my own kind of heart problems. I had just spent the last 8 hours and 8 weeks assisting Afghan refugees in settling into their new lives in Houston. As I drove, I thought about the chaos –and the grief–of the day.
The front row seat into the lives of these beautiful people was messing up my heart. In the last two months, I’ve lost count how many incredibly hospitable and warm Afghan people I’ve met, arriving from military bases around the world where they fled when Kabul fell.We have collected food, delivered groceries, enrolled kids in school, put beds together, unpacked welcome kits, picked up new families from the airport, collected couches and delivered tables. We are helping people who helped us.
I pulled into the hospital parking lot with 28 minutes to spare and made my way to my dad’s room. I was getting a quick update from my dad and telling him about my day with refugees when the cardiologist came in. He introduced himself and mentioned his background in the Middle East.
My dad told the doctor that I had been serving new refugees from his home region. The doctor stopped, turned and said, “Thank you for helping them. These are beautiful people who have been through so much.” It turns out this doctor would end up solving the mystery of the pain in my dad’s heart by performing a surgery no else had thought of.
Little did I know, one of the young refugee women I helped move into an apartment that day was also a cardiologist. She had been practicing for 3 years when she had hours to feel Afghanistan with her family.We have since spent a lot of time together talking about her long and hard journey to practice as a cardiologist in the USA. The expensive books, the tests–it’s daunting. At one point, she said this mountain is too big. I got tears in my eyes and said, “Do you know how to climb a mountain?
One step at a time.
And in a turn of events only God could orchestrate, her first of three sets of book and tests have been provided for and she now has my dad’s cardiologist’s phone number with his offer to help.
Sometimes I feel like God gives us tiny glimpse into His heart for His people. And it opens our heart.
I’ve sat on floors in completely bare apartments, humbly accepting the only seat in the home, shared one piece of fruit — their only and best—with my family, and experienced beautiful hospitality. I’ve listened to horror stories of escape and cramped cargo planes, and witnessed the unspeakable grief that comes with losing everything and worst of all, watched the painful memory cross the face of someone who left loved ones behind in Afghanistan under the rule of the Taliban.
The past 8 weeks (and 12 years in Kenya) have been holy and horrible and more than once I felt like God was lifting this veil to show me how much He loves us in the weaving together of our stories and how far he will go after the one...one pregnant teen, one mom who put her daughter into prostitution because she doesn’t have access to dignified work, one cardiologist who can help another, one American mom who needs to open her heart to end up healing it….
In the next 4 weeks, Mercy House Global’s partner- YMCA International— is expecting the largest wave of Afghan evacuees in Houston to date.
They’ve asked us to fill a couple of specific gaps:
1. Continue to provide and deliver groceries until families can get food stamps (locals sign up here). If you’re not, download the Mercy House Global app and give towards food (it cost about a $1000 a week to feed 40 families).
2. Assemble newborn welcome kits for the large population of pregnant women arriving (Here’s the Amazon wish list so anyone can participate)

Will you open your heart and be a part of one of the greatest opportunities to love on a group of unreached people who faced hell only to escape and become our neighbors?
It turned out it’s just what my heart needs.
Top 19 Recommended Christian Parenting Books That Help You Raise Disciples
Jan 16, 2022
Parenting makes me think of the weather. It’s constantly changing, it comes in extremes and I never feel prepared for the newest season.
I’m in the phase of launching a couple of my young adult children out of the nest. Some days feel like a tornado of change. Parenting books aren’t just for new parents. Every season brings change, challenges and a chance to grow.
Here are my top 19 recommended Christian parenting books (in random order) from cradle to college:
When I was a young parent, I attended a conference by Tim Kimmel and it was formative in my parenting journey. I tend to be a control freak and this book helped me change my parenting style. Dr. Kimmel “offers a refreshing new look at parenting. Rejecting rigid rules and checklists that don’t work, Dr. Kimmel recommends a parenting style that mirrors God’s love, reflects His forgiveness, and displaces fear as a motivator for behavior. As we embrace the grace God offers, we begin to give it-creating a solid foundation for growing morally strong and spiritually motivated children.”
This book sat on my bedside table for a solid year. Dr. Kevin Leman offers very practical advice. I still use the B doesn’t happen until A method and it works! “Have a New Kid by Friday shows parents how to reverse negative behavior in their children–fast! With his signature wit and encouragement, Dr. Leman offers them hope and real, practical, doable strategies for regaining control and becoming the parents they always wanted to be.”
For a couple of years, before Janel wrote this great book, she shared her insight in guest posts on my blog. She offers an amazing global perspective as a former missionary, so if you’re looking for an age-appropriate, uber-easy ideas and activities that will draw kids toward God
questions to kickstart meaningful conversations, along with journaling prompts for both you and your kids
hands-on life skills for teaching kids what the world often rejects—like community, self-control, humility, and Christ-anchored identity
small-group discussion questions and lists of additional resources
I wrote this book because my children’s entitlement revealed my own and I wanted to live a grateful life and lead them by example. Gratitude shows us what we have instead of what we don’t. It’s never too late to raise grateful kids. Get ready to cultivate a spirit of genuine appreciation and create a Jesus-centered home in which your kids don’t just say―but mean!―“thank you” for everything they have.
Sally has been a mentor for years to me personally and guided untold parents in their journey with her wisdom. This is one of my favorite books she has written. “There is good news waiting for you in the pages of The Lifegiving Home. Every day of your family’s life can be as special and important to you as it already is to God. In this unique book designed to help your family enjoy and celebrate every month of the year together, you’ll discover the secrets of a life-giving home from a mother who created one and her daughter who was raised in it: popular authors Sally and Sarah Clarkson. Together they offer a rich treasure of wise advice, spiritual principles, and practical suggestions.
There’s a reason this book has sold over a 1 million copies! It’s eye-opening when you begin to understand how to make sure your child know they are loved. This book will help you
Discover your child’s love language
Assist your child in successful learning
Use the love languages to correct and discipline more effectively
This very popular book was “written for parents with children of any age, this insightful book provides perspectives and procedures for shepherding your child’s heart into the paths of life. Shepherding a Child’s Heart gives fresh biblical approaches to child rearing.”
I loved writing this book. Almost any parent you ask would tell you that they want their children to be happy, successful adults. But many of us forget (or never knew to begin with) that lasting personal joy is not necessarily found the way the world says it is–through reaching a certain socioeconomic status, having a certain job, buying a certain house, or having a certain amount in one’s bank account. Personal satisfaction comes not from grabbing onto things but from holding them with an open hand and, very often, giving them away.
This book helps moms see past the mundane daily to do lists and take a deeper look into their calling into motherhood. The Ministry of Motherhood will help readers:
Make Life’s Mundane and Nitty-Gritty Moments Work for You and Not Against You.
Discover Ways to Make Character-Building a Natural Part of Live.
Teach Your Child in the Same Way Jesus Taught the Disciples.
Pass on Crucial Gifts that Will Serve Your Family for a Lifetime.
In this book, you’ll find 40 of the most common challenges kids face—along with clear, easy-to-understand responses you can discuss together. This book will help you…
encourage open dialogue on issues your kids might hesitate to talk about
replace your children’s doubts with the confidence only God’s truth can give
equip your kids to build the good thinking skills essential for today
Karis is the daughter of Grace-Based Parenting author Tim Kimmel. She had a front row seat to learning about parenting with grace instead of control. In this book, readers will learn how to:
Stay calm, even when you’re staring down the barrel of a loaded toddler
Customize your discipline to your child’s unique personality, age and needs
You might think that Scripture doesn’t have much to say about the food you make for breakfast, how you view your postpartum body, or what school choice you make for your children, but a deeper look reveals that the Bible provides the framework for finding answers to your specific questions about modern motherhood. Discover how closely the gospel connects with today’s motherhood.
“This practical and timely resource gives parents the confidence of knowing what to discuss with their children and how to discuss it in order to facilitate impactful conversations that will form the basis of a lifelong faith. In a friendly, parent-to-parent voice, Natasha Crain identifies 30 specific conversations about God that parents must have with their children, organizing them under the categories of:
This book of the year winner is sure to assist you in your parenting journey. “In this life-giving book, Paul Tripp offers parents much more than a to-do list. Instead, he presents us with a big-picture view of God’s plan for us as parents. Outlining fourteen foundational principles centered on the gospel, he shows that we need more than the latest parenting strategy or list of techniques. Rather, we need the rescuing grace of God―grace that has the power to shape how we view everything we do as parents.”
This book has sold nearly 1 million copies. “Trusted by generations of parents, counselors, and teachers to lovingly raise responsible children, Parenting with Love and Logic includes solutions for dozens of specific topics such as:
“With wisdom and empathy, they take you through the ins and outs of instilling the kind of character in your children that will help them lead balanced, productive, and fulfilling adult lives. You’ll learn how to:
Define appropriate boundaries and consequences for your kids
Set limits and still be a loving parent
Bring balance to an out-of-control family life
Apply the ten laws of boundaries to your parenting
Understand the six steps to implementing boundaries in your home
Don’t forget to check out the Boundaries family collection of books and workbooks dedicated to key areas of your life, including dating, marriage, raising teenagers, and leadership.”
If technology is the new addiction, then multitasking is the new marching order. We check our email while cooking dinner, send a text while bathing the kids, and spend more time looking into electronic screens than into the eyes of our loved ones. With our never-ending to-do lists and jam-packed schedules, it’s no wonder we’re distracted.
But this isn’t the way it has to be.
Special education teacher, New York Times bestselling author, and mother Rachel Macy Stafford says enough is enough. Tired of losing track of what matters most in life, Rachel began practicing simple strategies that enabled her to momentarily let go of largely meaningless distractions and engage in meaningful soul-to-soul connections.
I love this book and the passion it birthed in me to read aloud to my kids. “The stories we read–and the conversations we have about them–help shape family traditions, create lifelong memories, and become part of our legacy. Reading aloud not only has the power to change a family–it has the power to change the world.
But we all know that connecting deeply with our families can be difficult in our busy, technology-driven society. Reading aloud is one of the best ways to be fully present with our children, even after they can read themselves, but it isn’t always easy to do.”
“In The Lifegiving Parent, respected authors and parents Clay and Sally Clarkson explore eight key principles―heartbeats of lifegiving parenting―to shed light on what it means to create a home where your children will experience the living God in your family. Now parents of four grown children―each with their own unique personality and gifts―Sally and Clay have learned (sometimes the hard way!) that the key to shaping a heart begins at home as you foster a deep and thoughtful God-infused relationship with each child.”
[LIMITED TIME] Get a Copy of my book Raising World Changers in a Changing World FREE
Almost any parent you ask will tell you that they want their children to be happy, successful adults. But many of us forget (or never knew to begin with) that lasting personal joy is not necessarily found the way the world says it is–through reaching a certain socioeconomic status, having a certain job, buying a certain house, or having a certain amount in one’s bank account. In fact, personal satisfaction comes not from grabbing on to things but from holding them with an open hand and, very often, giving them away.
In this inspiring book, popular parenting blogger and author Kristen Welch shows parents how to discover for themselves and instill in their kids the profound joy that comes from sharing what we have been given–our time, our talents, and even what’s in our wallets–with those who have less. Through powerful personal stories as well as stories from Scripture, Welch offers a tantalizing alternative to status quo parenting that has the power to impact not only our own families but also the entire world.
Claim your FREE copy for a limited time by clicking here and using the code Freeparentingbook.
4 Bad Parenting Signs (And How to Change for Good)
Jan 16, 2022
B doesn’t happen until A does. It’s advice I read in this dog-eared parenting book that I’ve kept next to my bed for years.
Last week A was “Do your chores.”
B was “Hey, Mom, can I go to my friend’s party?”
Ah, a parenting equation. It was simple. But it was hard.
Because really, it wasn’t about A, B or C; it was a battle of wills. Most parenting moments like these are about control. But I learned a long time ago, it’s better to give our strong-willed kids the power of choice.
I’m not as hardcore as that worn book told me I should be. (Say it once and let the consequences fall where they may). No, I reminded and encouraged every time I walked past my child all day long. Because I wanted them to go to the party. I was in their corner cheering them on, “You can do it!”
But when it came down to it, there were two things working here: 1. My child simply didn’t want to clean and 2, I’m pretty sure they didn’t believe I would follow through on B.
And that’s when it gets hard for those of us dishing out all those alphabet letters.
Because we’ve drawn a line in the sand and the ball is in our court: Will we follow through or will we give in?
As the clock ticked, the chores remained undone and my kid seemed to get more excited about the party. I wavered between being sad and mad. I reminded myself that this wasn’t my choice. But I’d stood on this ledge before and I knew there wouldn’t be any winners here.
I will spare you the gory details- but there wasn’t a party and those chores finally were completed because someone understood that parents mean what they say.
But just between us, it will go down as one of my hardest parenting days. I will also remember it as a good one. Not because my kid lost something they really wanted. That was hard on both of us, but because they learned an important life truth: Choices have an effect on consequences in my life. Oh, and momma means business.
Just look around at our culture, we have schools-from preschool to universities- filled with kids who didn’t have consequences for their actions and they have a hard time functioning when natural ones are doled out for bad behavior and lack of good choices.
Standing our ground in parenting is hard. But it is so important. Because what we do now-when we give in too soon or too often, affects our kids for a very long time.
They are pulling against us and the older they get, the harder they pull. We can’t let go. We have to stand firm.
What Is Bad Parenting Anyway?
It’s basically when parents don’t make decisions that are in the best interest of their children—this ranges from not meeting basic needs to complete overindulgence.
My husband told me about a conversation with our son. I heard the uncertainty in his words, the way his sentences ended with a question mark. I listened to the voice of a father who loves deeply but feels inadequate when he can’t protect his children from hurt.
I responded with reassuring words and reminded him he was enough. And then I gave voice to my concern over our daughters, my own self-doubt, and mom guilt. I forced down a sob when I said the words, “this parenting thing is so hard.”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
And so we did the only thing we could think of-the only thing that really works, we prayed for our children together and fell asleep with their names on our lips, tangled arms, and legs, in this together.
We have great kids-there’s no subliminal message here, but they are human and they push for freedom we aren’t ready to give, they say things that hurt, they are wounded by friends, and face discouragement and failure. So, basically, we’re all a big human mess.
And we’re navigating this journey together, sometimes it’s loud and riveted with pain and it’s always messy.
During a particularly challenging day in which my entire clan was angry at me, I felt like God dropped this truth in my heart and now I’ve got a death grip on it:
Hard parenting doesn’t mean bad parenting. If often reflects good parenting.
Let’s face it, we’re sinners raising little sinners. That’s a whole lot of flesh. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. And sometimes when it gets hard, it’s because they are fighting against us and ultimately God. And sometimes it’s just plain hard because it’s normal.
Hey you-yes you, that child who refuses to sleep and the one that sucks the very breath out of the room with her drama, that’s normal.
Here Are 4 Bad Parenting Signs (and How to Change for Good)
1. Refusing to let your kids be themselves.
I’ll never forget when my son was in the fourth grade. He came home one day, stood in the kitchen, and delivered this verbal blow: “I’m the weird one, Mom.”
I grabbed his hand, the one with marker stains and chewed fingernails, and refuted his words. “There’s nothing weird about you!”
Then he opened up his heart, admitting how different he felt from most of the other boys his age at school who were using cuss words and bullying other students in an effort to look tough.
My son has always been sensitive, but before I could chalk it up to his tender personality, he said, “It’s hard being a Christian. It makes me odd.”
I felt my own tears press hot against my lids. I closed my eyes and remembered the feeling of alienation, the one I lived with growing up. I couldn’t discount my son’s words or his pain; I knew they were true. He just seemed so young to feel them.
“Were you ever the weird one, Mom?”
I told him my own stories, “I put the w in weird, honey.” We laughed, and I whispered words of encouragement and prayed. I reminded him that we are called to be the strangers of this world, to follow a narrow road, to live in a way that’s countercultural.
I think it’s important to include grace in this conversation for the times our kids end up making a wrong choice or following the crowd.
“We don’t expect you to be perfect. We know there will be pressure to give in, but we all learn from our mistakes. And we’ll love you no matter what.”
His response struck a deep chord in me that day. “I know I can fit in. I just don’t want to.” It’s been more than five years since that conversation. There have been failures along the way. But he knows in his heart that although being different is hard, it’s also okay.
2. Not apologizing.
My husband and I have made countless mistakes in this parenting journey.
We’ve been too strict when we should have offered grace. We’ve been too lenient when we should have given consequences. We have blundered and we have hurt our kids. Even unintentional pain is still pain.
Apologizing is a critical part of good parenting.
And sometimes the best way to teach our kids how to apologize is to lead by example. I tend to talk too much, and I’m really good at telling my kids what to do. As they’ve gotten older, I’ve realized they know how I feel on almost every subject, and there comes a time when I just need to hush and listen.
We don’t have to apologize for the why as much as the how. I’m not sorry for wanting grateful kids instead of entitled ones. I am not sorry for believing in and teaching my kids absolute truth. But I am sorry for how I go about it at times, how controlling I can be, how my words wound.
3. Failing to listen.
“You just don’t understand!” I’ve heard these words said in frustration and anguish by my kids on more than one occasion.
And my temptation is to respond, “Yes, I do. I understand.” But if I’m honest with myself, even though we can empathize with our kids, we aren’t walking in their shoes. We can’t imagine how times have changed since we were their age. We don’t understand the pressure to conform or give in.
I remember the first time I didn’t give that pat answer to my teen daughter. We were in a heated discussion about her responsibility to manage her time and keep up with her chores in the middle of a very hectic marching band season.
“Mom, you have no idea,” she said. “You just don’t understand.”
My automatic response was on the tip of my tongue but I said, “You’re right. Help me understand. I want to try.”
We had a great conversation, and I ended up understanding more of the pressure she was feeling. Instead of telling her again to clean up her room, I helped her.
There will be times we simply don’t understand what our kids are going through.
But that doesn’t mean we are unable to help them. Any attempt goes a long way.
4. Solving all their problems.
“You are not alone.”
These four words are some the most important ones we can say to our kids, from the first time they experience toddler separation anxiety until we move them into their first apartment.
We all know that at some point in their lives they will, in fact, be physically alone. Being alone isn’t a bad thing, but it can be scary, especially for young kids.
When we drop them off at preschool, we whisper in their ears, “It’s okay. I will be back. I promise,” and then high-five the other moms in the parking lot. We know this kind of “being alone from us occasionally” is a good thing.
But when they struggle with being alone, it is the perfect opportunity to introduce the truth that Jesus always is with them, so they understand that even in times of separation from us, they are never truly alone.
As our kids grow, most of them seem to want time away from us. What they are actually looking for is space. They don’t want us to leave them completely alone, even when they are seventeen, slam their door, and scream, “Leave me alone!” This is when our kids especially need to hear these words because they are probably feeling vulnerable and as if they are the only ones in the world facing their present struggles.
We can hold fast to the promise in Deuteronomy 31:6 that we should remind our kids—and ourselves—often: “Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you” (esv).
We can say to our kids: Not only is God with you, but we are too—our family—you, me, us. We are a team and we will journey this road, navigate the bumps, and overcome the obstacles together.
[LIMITED TIME] Get a Copy of my book Raising World Changers in a Changing World FREE
Almost any parent you ask will tell you that they want their children to be happy, successful adults. But many of us forget (or never knew to begin with) that lasting personal joy is not necessarily found the way the world says it is–through reaching a certain socioeconomic status, having a certain job, buying a certain house, or having a certain amount in one’s bank account. In fact, personal satisfaction comes not from grabbing on to things but from holding them with an open hand and, very often, giving them away.
In this inspiring book, popular parenting blogger and author Kristen Welch shows parents how to discover for themselves and instill in their kids the profound joy that comes from sharing what we have been given–our time, our talents, and even what’s in our wallets–with those who have less. Through powerful personal stories as well as stories from Scripture, Welch offers a tantalizing alternative to status quo parenting that has the power to impact not only our own families but also the entire world.
Claim your FREE copy for a limited time by clicking here and using the code Freeparentingbook.
Responsible Parenting: 10 Ways to Give Kids What They Need
Jan 16, 2022
It’s normal to feel anxiety as a parent and wonder if you are giving your kids what they need as responsible parents.
Recently, I sat down with a group of moms and we talked, laughed, and caught up on each other’s lives. We also whined about laundry and tiresome dinner routines and the challenging ways of parenting.
One mom shared what a typical day serving her family looked like: Preparing breakfast every morning, packing healthy lunches, cleaning up her kids rooms, folding laundry and she usually waved off their help in cleaning up after dinner.
Her list was long and admirable. She was a great mom. “Serving is my gift to them. I do for them because I love them.”
There was a lot of head nodding.
“I’m not behind on laundry because I don’t do it for my kids. I don’t wake them for school or make their lunches and everyone pitches in for dinner cleanup,” another mom piped up. “I don’t clean their rooms and I require them to give more than they take.”
We all looked at her -some in shock, others in deep respect. Parenting looks different for every family and I love that in community we can talk about what we’re doing–not for comparison, but for consideration. I want to learn and challenge myself because parenting is hard and I don’t always get it right.
She continued, “I figure I am raising men. One day they will lead a household and work hard to provide for their families. There is a time for me to serve them and a place for me to teach them to be servants. I want to do both.”
Slow clap across the room.
There’s nothing wrong with a parent serving their family: it’s a calling, an honor and a responsibility. But maybe, at some point, giving them too much, is actually teaching them how to be great receivers and lazy givers?
What Is Responsible Parenting?
Responsible parenting isn’t just giving kids what they want, it’s also teaching them how to meet their own needs.
A parent’s job is to teach children right from wrong, teach them the meaning of life, and keep their children safe. In doing this, parents will have to make decisions that kids do not understand.
Family physician and author, Leonard Sax, “A parent’s job is to teach children right from wrong, teach them the meaning of life and keep their children safe. In doing that job, you’re going to do a lot of things a child won’t approve of and not understand,” he said. Sometimes, you have to be the bad guy.”
According to Sax, parents should focus on helping children develop skills such as self-control, humility, and conscientiousness, meaning they think of people other than themselves.
Those things are the biggest predictors of future success in adulthood, he said, not education or affluence.
10 Ways You Can Raise Kids Responsibly
1. Parents tell kids no because they can see what children cannot.
Parents have the gift of wisdom and maturity. They can see so much further down the road than kids can. Parents know that giving in on some things will teach them to give up on others. Kids thrive on the here and now and lean on their parents to look ahead and guide them
2. Sometimes it’s okay to be unhappy.
Culture has elevated happiness as the ultimate goal in life. But being happy every moment of every day is unlikely. Parents understand this fact better than anyone. Allowing children temporary unhappiness is okay. It is ultimately teaching them that life will have unhappy moments. Responsible parents allow kids to feel this short-term sting of this truth because they understand the big picture.
3. Discipline is a part of life.
When parents follow through on rules they’ve established and consequences they’ve laid out, they are teaching kids to respect authority, laws, teachers, and bosses outside of their homes. If parents constantly let kids off the hook, they are inadvertently teaching them they can do whatever they want and it will work out fine.
4. Unconditional love is a big part of parenting.
Even in the midst of discipline, parents want kids to feel loved—it is the reason behind discipline. Offering forgiveness, love, and tenderness in these moments speaks to a child’s heart. Actions are a product of the heart. A parent’s goal is to get to the heart behind the action—why did my child disobey or act out?
5. It’s not a parent’s job to fix all their children’s problems.
Loving parents do not like to see their kids struggling. There’s a part of every parent that longs to make things right in their child’s world. But it’s not healthy to create a false reality. Parents will not always be there to do so. If parents constantly rush to avoid problems for their kids, children are being robbed of the opportunity to problem-solve on their own. Fixing all their problems is really only creating more challenges in the future.
6. It’s okay to ask kids to work hard
Doing extra nice things for kids is a joy for parents. But children will often begin to expect it. Parents don’t have to give their kids everything they want. It’s okay to make them wait for things in life. It’s also responsible parenting to provide ways for our children to work hard and earn extra things they would like to have. When parents require kids to participate, they are teaching their children the cause and effect of hard work and its rewards.
7. Parents cannot be governed by guilt.
Often parents give in to their kid’s requests out of guilt. Parents foster the attitude of entitlement when they are ruled by a guilty conscience. For example, if a child loses something, it’s okay to ask them to be responsible for the item and to require consequences for actions.
8. Parents should teach kids that life isn’t always easy.
Parents often have an opportunity to make things easier for their kids. Parents could oversee and even finish their kid’s homework; they could not ask for help with dinner. Parents could give kids money instead of making them work for it.
They could rush to their children’s side every time they forget something and fix their problems so they don’t struggle. But it’s a parent’s job to prepare their kids for life and the future. Parents don’t know what life or the future will bring their kids; life won’t always be easy.
There will probably be heartache and struggle and pain mixed with joy, achievement, and uncertainty and parents will not be able to protect their kids from all of it.
9. Failure is a part of a child’s ultimate success.
“Some parents don’t wish their kids to fail. I admit I want my children to. I want them to fail, so they can learn how to get back up. I want them to not get every gift they want on their Christmas list, so they can appreciate what they have and work for what they don’t.
Lastly, I hope all of them get at least one or two teachers they hate. That way they will learn that in the real world, they will have to work with people (and bosses) they may not like,” an anonymous teacher said.
10. Teach Kids God is with them.
Parents can teach their kids God’s order. He set into motion cause and effect from the beginning of time. He protects his children so He can provide for them. There is order and when people go against it, there are consequences.
Parents have an ultimate responsibility to raise children who understand this truth and to teach their kids that no matter their choices, God loves them and is with them.
Choosing to Be a Responsible Parent Isn’t Easy
It’s courageous. It’s much easier to go with the flow, give in to demands and give kids everything they want. But deciding to stand firm, love them well, and teach them life lessons will raise kids who become responsible adults.
[LIMITED TIME] Get a Copy of my book Raising World Changers in a Changing World FREE
Almost any parent you ask will tell you that they want their children to be happy, successful adults. But many of us forget (or never knew to begin with) that lasting personal joy is not necessarily found the way the world says it is–through reaching a certain socioeconomic status, having a certain job, buying a certain house, or having a certain amount in one’s bank account. In fact, personal satisfaction comes not from grabbing on to things but from holding them with an open hand and, very often, giving them away.
In this inspiring book, popular parenting blogger and author Kristen Welch shows parents how to discover for themselves and instill in their kids the profound joy that comes from sharing what we have been given–our time, our talents, and even what’s in our wallets–with those who have less. Through powerful personal stories as well as stories from Scripture, Welch offers a tantalizing alternative to status quo parenting that has the power to impact not only our own families but also the entire world.
Claim your FREE copy for a limited time by clicking here and using the code Freeparentingbook.
What Is Child Rearing? 11 Practices for Raising Great Kids
Jan 16, 2022
Children understand the assignment… parents don’t always know how to complete it!
Child-rearing is the practice of raising kids and providing for their needs.
But in this day and age, with so many challenges, how do we raise great kids? Raising anything is hard, but bringing up small humans is the ultimate challenge.
I’m a fairly new gardener, trying to raise baby plants, but between bouts of bad weather and bugs, I worry over my small seedlings like a new mother.
Worry is a weed in every parent’s garden; you are not alone. You can confidently raise great kids who can withstand the storms of life, reach for the sun and grow.
What Is Child-Rearing?
Simply put, it’s the process of training children. When it comes to raising kids, there are different styles.
Here are the four main types:
Authoritarian-This type of parenting governs by rules and is generally fear-based. Punishment is usually the only way discipline is administered.
Authoritative-Parents who choose this style seek to set a balance of behavioral expectations and are willing to work with their children through their challenges. Mistakes are often viewed as learning experiences.
Permissive-Limits and behavioral guidelines are not established in this type of parenting. Permissive parents are not demanding, rather look at their child as an equal.
Uninvolved-Parents leave decision-making to their children with limited communication
11 Child Rearing Practices, Techniques, and Strategies You Can Rely On
If you follow these proven child-rearing tips, you can rest assured these strategies will guide your parenting journey.
1. Establish authority
Parents set behavioral expectations because they can see what children cannot. Parents have the gift of wisdom and maturity. Children are motivated in the moment and lean on parents to look ahead to protect and provide for them. Being too permissive can lead a child to believe their parents might not care for their welfare.
2. Happiness is not the goal
Culture has elevated happiness as the ultimate goal in life. Being happy every moment of every day is impossible. When we do what is right for our kids, even if it means they are momentarily unhappy, we are preparing them for life. Life has disappointments and home is a safe place to experience them.
3. Discipline with consistency
Following through with rules you’ve established and consequences you’ve explained teaches children to respect authority, laws, teachers, and later, bosses outside of the home. If parents constantly let their kids off the hook or bail them out, they are inadvertently teaching them they can do whatever they want without consequences. Discipline is an expression of love. Grit is sheer determination to finish what is started. It takes strength to be consistent and do what you say you are going to do.
4. Grace has a place in parenting
Practicing patience and offering second chances will unlock some difficult-to-reach places in a child’s heart. Forgiveness is a parental act of love.
5. God is good
God created order. He set into motion cause and effect from the beginning of time. He protects people so He can provide for them There is order and when we go against it, there are consequences. Parents are the path that introduces children to God. Children can experience God’s love and goodness through the actions of their parents.
6. Life has a purpose
People are eternal beings. Despite striving and obtaining, you will leave this world with the same thing—nothing. You are created for eternity. The things of this world that are fun and feel good are temporary. Kids don’t always have the perspective of hindsight, so everything here and now feels like forever. Children need parents to gently remind them the world will never truly satisfy. Living a meaningful life will bring satisfaction.
7. Kindness matters
Raise children to see the needs of others. It’s easy for kids to see their own needs and make them known. But showing them how to care for other people also teaches them the world doesn’t revolve around their needs. Perspective is a gift parents can offer their children.
8. Choose your battles
Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. When kids complain, whine, argue, pout and show poor behavior, It’s so easy to react to them. But often what they need is for their parent to respond. Responding can look like listening or offering a hug, When they complain or struggle, they don’t always need you to intervene. Learning to let the small stuff go is half the battle.
9. Child-rearing is leading and letting go
It is impossible to hold on and grasp tightly at the same time. From the time of birth, children grow and change. It’s unhealthy and unnatural for them to remain the same. Part of a parent’s ongoing job is guiding them through phases and stages. This process requires a constant, slow, letting go. It can be tempting to try and control situations along the way, but it isn’t healthy. The goal is to lovingly lead them into adulthood.
10. Be there
Kids want to know their parents are there for them–in the highs and lows. When they are vulnerable and show us their fears and failures, it’s usually isn’t so we can fix the difficult situation; it’s so that they don’t have to face it alone. You can be there without being everywhere. Friendship between parents and children is something to look forward to in the future.
11. Don’t give up
Child-rearing is hard. It takes guts to lead well and courage to do what is best for your kids even if it’s different from what others are doing. Mistakes will be made in your child-rearing: Acknowledge them, apologize if necessary, let them go, and keep trying.
You Can Do This
No one said child-rearing would be an easy assignment. There will be difficult seasons, tears, and fears along the way, but in the right environment, watered with love and concern, raising great kids is possible. Carefully tend your home and watch it grow.
[LIMITED TIME] Get a Copy of my book Raising World Changers in a Changing World FREE
Almost any parent you ask will tell you that they want their children to be happy, successful adults. But many of us forget (or never knew to begin with) that lasting personal joy is not necessarily found the way the world says it is–through reaching a certain socioeconomic status, having a certain job, buying a certain house, or having a certain amount in one’s bank account. In fact, personal satisfaction comes not from grabbing on to things but from holding them with an open hand and, very often, giving them away.
In this inspiring book, popular parenting blogger and author Kristen Welch shows parents how to discover for themselves and instill in their kids the profound joy that comes from sharing what we have been given–our time, our talents, and even what’s in our wallets–with those who have less. Through powerful personal stories as well as stories from Scripture, Welch offers a tantalizing alternative to status quo parenting that has the power to impact not only our own families but also the entire world.
Claim your FREE copy for a limited time by clicking here and using the code Freeparentingbook.
Cry Like a Baby
Dec 15, 2021
I don’t know where to begin.
I’ve been drinking from a fire hydrant the past few weeks. But instead of feeling like I’m drowning, I feel like I’m tasting Living Water and it only makes me want more.
Before church on Sunday, my husband told me about this David Platt podcast. In a nutshell: David Platt got in an Uber on the way to the airport and his Muslim driver asked what he did for a living. David Platt told him he was a pastor. The driver said I’ve had a dream I need to tell you about. (Some history: Muslims believe Jesus was a good man and teacher, but they do not believe God became a baby).
The driver said, “Can you help me understand it? In his dream, he described a baby who talked like an adult man and the baby said, “Do not question or underestimate what God can do.”
David Platt shared the Gospel and said, “God did the impossible–He became a baby so that we can have eternal life…”
The Uber driver professed Christ by the end of the ride.
It gave me chills. I have prayed for years that my Muslim friends would be visited by God in their dreams.
This story made me cry like a baby.
We left home and went to church. The sermon was about the Good News with Great Joy that the angel of the Lord delivered to the shepherds about a baby.
The Christmas story, illustrated in our favorite manger scenes, focuses on the baby. But it’s become so familiar, so trite, so ordinary, we don’t even pause and remember that a holy God chose to become a helpless baby to redeem us for eternity. We are comfortable with it. We decorate with it–we forget that this is Good News with Great Joy-redemption through a baby!
After angels lit up the sky and probably frighted the shepherds, they didn’t go and tell everyone about the crazy thing they had just witnessed–no, they ran (with haste, the Bible says) to the baby.
It was so unique, so outrageous, so impossible–that God would become a baby–it demanded an immediate response.
We have forgotten how special, how incredible, how much humility was required the day God became a baby.
During the sermon, tears slipped down my neck and I cried like a baby.
In the past month, I’ve sat in more than a dozen homes of my new middle eastern friends from Afghanistan. It’s the best part of delivering groceries and helping Afghan evacuees resettle here in Houston: the outrageous hospitality. These allies who warmly welcome my family into their homes and offer us from the little they have.
Yesterday, I met an Afghan family who was expecting their first baby. The wife was due any day. Her home was empty–not even an assembled bed, a sofa or a package of diapers. Here we are just days from Christmas and I couldn’t help but remember another middle easter couple, looking for a place to birth a Savior. Jesus, didn’t have a bed either.
I cried like a baby.
Friends, Jesus came as a baby–a baby! And we have this incredible opportunity to share this Good News with Great Joy with our neighbors, new and old.
Go ahead, join me.
Cry like a baby.
Looking for ways to welcome Afghan evacuees this Christmas to Houston? Click here for opportunities
Thanksgiving is an Action Word, After All
Dec 12, 2021
While we’ve been roasting turkeys, welcoming family and mashing potatoes in preparation for tomorrow, many from Afghanistan have been granted refuge here in the United States–in total 95,000.
Remember when all eyes were glued to the news as Kabul fell and we watched in horror as the Taliban took over the last day of August? Remember how we prayed for mercy and miracles for the Afghani people, the believers left behind, the women and girls who might take the brunt of the evil claiming victory? Remember when we wanted to do something?
Remember with me.
It was only 84 days ago.
The 4 young Afghani men my husband picked up from the airport two nights ago remember it too well. They remember leaving their families behind and praying the target they carried on their backs for serving the USA would be enough to protect their wives, mothers and children they left behind –one a child himself, alone, only 15, all hoping leaving was enough to save them. They can’t stop remembering.
It’s been 84 days since cell towers were torn down, so while all they can do is remember, I have to scratch my head because I almost forgot. My worry and sorrow and prayers for Afghanistan faded with the days.
But here we are this week-the one where we stop and give thanks and fill our tables and bellies with our favorite food–and thousands of Afghanistans have arrived to the Houston area.
And all I can do is remember wanting to do something.
Hundreds of families were taken directly from the airports, like the ones my husband picked up on Monday, and dropped off at hotels because their arrival happened before a housing solution did. I could hear the lump in my husband’s voice when he recounted their painful stories and told me they hadn’t eaten in two days. They arrived to Houston without a dollar in their pockets after 84 days at a military base.
Resettlement agencies are completely overwhelmed. Providing groceries every 3-4 days for hundreds of families at hotels until a more permanent situation is available has created a logistical nightmare across the city this Thanksgiving week.
I didn’t know any of this when I almost casually reached out to the YMCA International contact, who was handing off refugees to my husband at the airport, to ask if the Amazon wish list I’d stumbled upon was accurate with the greatest current need. She said, “We are one of several resettlement agencies. We usually receive 4-5 families a month. Last week, we received 270. Nineteen more are arriving today. They need food delivered to them.” I could hear the urgency in her words. I asked if I could try to gather some drivers to pick up food at their warehouse to deliver groceries. “We are almost out of food at the warehouse,” she replied.
I thought of the turkey and ham and the refrigerator full of food and the likely food coma I would enjoy later in the week and I lost my appetite. I wanted to do something and now something is all I can do. It’s so ironic that during this week of gratitude–today–we are all thinking about food. Refugees included.
I texted some people; asked the staff at Mercy House Global who would be in town to help me deliver food; sent some emails, called a couple of churches. I’ve scheduled grocery pickups around town. We are doing what we can–and it is not enough. It feels like two fish and a couple of loaves of bread. But it’s my favorite Bible story and I know what Jesus can do with what we offer.
And let’s not forget –God doesn’t need our lunch. He doesn’t need us to provide food or funds for people. He invites us to be a part of the miracle. Jim Rohn says, “Only by giving are you able to receive more than you have.” Generosity and compassion do something spectacular in our souls.
My 14 year old offered to sort groceries and she stopped with an eggplant in hand and tried to find the words that were hard to form:
“Mom, I don’t understand why more people don’t want to help out refugees during Thanksgiving?” my teen daughter took a deep breath as she chose her words carefully… “Because while we will be stuffing our face full of food, some are wondering about their next meal.”
Because we have forgotten, honey. But God is helping us remember.
I pulled up the growing list of 25 drivers in the excel spreadsheet I was working on to show her the names of those who were remembering too–they volunteered to deliver food two days after Thanksgiving and many more were dropping off food. I told her of the people who don’t live nearby who were sending needed items and the more people who learn what’s going on, the longer the list grows.
I reminded her of the countless people who have given and given and given some more to refugees, Mercy House Global, churches, ministries–untold people, unspeakable gifts. I got teary recounting them…sometimes we just forget.
Thanksgiving is an action word after all.
The tree is decorated. There are lights on the house, wreaths on the door, my college kids are home, and I switched my all-purpose cleaner to the peppermint scented one.
It must be Christmas.
This weekend, my daughters made gingerbread houses. They drank hot cocoa on a humid Texas night. I even wrapped three gifts and put them under the tree and congratulated myself for “being ahead.” We are counting down the Advent calendar, making the lists, and checking them twice.
But the older I get, the more it takes for this time of year to feel “Christmas-y.”
I think my kids feel it too because they keep asking to do all the traditions that make it feel like the holidays. I love creating those special memories year after year, but I am tempted to do the things so that I feel the joy of the season.
Doing things to feel joy is backwards and we know it. Instead, we feel joy and so we do the things, right?
But God, in His goodness, stopped me mid-holiday prep and reminded me how to feel everything He has for me this holiday season.
I was standing at a dumpster, trying to hoist a huge box over my head and I was sweating (if we waited for South Texas to actually feel like winter…) The large metal can was overflowing with garbage and rotten food. There were flies covering the stench and I could hear the rodents bickering over scraps. The smell was overpowering.
An Afghani man walked up behind me and we made eye contact. He bent to pick the trash that had blown out of my box in the air. We smiled.
I wasn’t in a foreign country. I was in an apartment complex in Houston helping asylum seekers from Afghanistan move into their apartments. We could only communicate with smiles and nods, but the language of loving our neighbors was loud and clear.
A scrappy group of us had shown up to assist the YMCA International and they put our hodgepodge team in charge of five apartments that day. We worked our tails off assembling beds, unpacking welcome kits into kitchens and bathrooms and carrying a lot of boxes to the dump
It was in that unexpected moment, surrounded by strangers turned new friends, that I felt completely overwhelmed by Christmas. It was as if God whispered right next to the dumpster, “Freeze this moment, Kristen. Remember today. Loving other people will always lead you to Me. This is Christmas.”
Jesus came to a manger and Christmas was born. It was simple. It changed the world.
And thousands of years later, we’ve turned that holy moment into something very different.
What we long for this holiday season isn’t wrapped in a gift. We don’t need a present, we need a Person.
We can’t find it in the traditions or under the tree. And while I love the festivities and decor as much as the next person, no matter how much I buy or how many lights I hang, it’s Jesus I need most, more of- He is Christmas.
Last week, a family from the Middle East asked me what Christmas Day was like for Americans. At dinner, I told my family about their question. We now have neighbors from Iraq coming over for Christmas.
Go ahead, deck the halls, but look for simple ways to love your neighbors this Christmas season. The gift is in the giving.
I walked away from that dumpster and into another empty apartment that was about to welcome a new family and it felt just like Christmas.
Are We Still In 2020?
Oct 24, 2020
The other day I mentioned a fond memory to my kids. My husband, youngest daughter, the dogs and I had driven halfway between our college kids’ university to meet up for dinner. As you do when you’re all homesick for each other.
We grabbed dinner to go and ate at a park–very global pandemic. I was meandering down memory lane, as moms do, and they all stopped and looked at me like I was crazy, “Mom, you’re talking about Spring Break. That wasn’t years ago…it was in March, this year.”
Shut. The. Front. Door.
They were right. But no one really blamed me for my mistake. We all know it has been the longest year.
Time is weird, so are pandemics. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile or read my last book, Made to Move Mountains, you know that 2019 was a challenging year. And then I met 2020 and was like, ah, perspective.
I started this year feeling tired before the world shut down.. Along with my staff, I poured my creativity into Mercy House Global during the long lockdown months doing everything I could to keep it going. I didn’t have the energy to podcast or write. Sadly many nonprofits haven’t made it through the year … I’m so grateful to still have a job and live out my purpose longer in this ministry.
This month, we celebrated 10 years of Mercy House Global. We raised $144,000 virtually on the Mercy House Global App. Again, very 2020. I jumped really high.
I don’t really know what this blog space is anymore. I throw out occasional invitations and announcements here and there. Blogging has changed so much. So have I. Most days, I find time for a quick post on social media and maybe a couple of stories and pour the rest of my time and attention into Mercy House (hosting really fun sales on our App) and my family. And I’m really happy.
I don’t have any more books in the works. I am content with the five I’ve written and feel an urging to talk/write less during this season. I hope to continue to write a series of children’s books for Mercy House Global that will serve as a resource for parents. (The first one released two weeks ago. It’s precious and totally supports teen moms in Kenya. My new favorite thing is writing a book with zero sales pressure-FYI).
I’ve written thousands of posts on this blog. I will probably write a few more here and there–when the time and passion present themselves. I can’t seem to say goodbye to this little home on the Internet where I’ve journaled for almost 13 years now. (My kids were 1, 5, and 7. They are now almost 14, 18 and 21.) We’ve been through a lot together.
If you don’t subscribe to my newsletter (if you get my blog posts in your inbox, than you already do), I plan on continuing my lists of What I’m Loving–maybe weekly. Maybe not. Who knows, really. It is after all 2020.
Mercy House Global is a True Story
Sep 23, 2020
Over the past decade, I’ve cried a million tears, told a thousand stories and witnessed the miracle second chances of a hundred teen moms and their babies that are still alive long after the world left them for dead. This is the true story of Mercy House Global.
At first news of the global pandemic in March, I knew it would make what we do in Kenya more difficult and even more critical.
I hate it when I’m right.
In the last couple of months, we’ve rescued a girl who was sold for a loaf of bread. Her family went to bed with something in their stomachs and a baby began to grow in hers.
Last week, everything went wrong at Mercy House Global. Too much of this, not enough of that. It was one of those weeks when I was just plain tired and wondered about walking away.
Last week, a pregnant 11 and 12 year old entered the maternity homes in Kenya after they were rescued from the hands of wicked men.
Last week, I remembered why Mercy House Global exists–because 11 year old moms do.
Mercy House Global began in 2010 and every year since has been shaped by hardships, miracles, sorrow and joy. This our tenth year and while we face more obstacles than ever, we have more reasons to celebrate.
You’re invited to our 10 year virtual celebration–a night to pause in the chaos of 2020 and celebrate what God has done and what He is going to do. Mercy House Global is a true story.
Living a Paradox: The Truth About A Contradictory Life
Sep 03, 2020
I’ll never forget the moment of clarity I had in the middle of the pasta aisle. It was the day after I returned from a trip to Kenya with my family. I ran into an old friend next to the spaghetti sauce and she hugged me and said, “so, was your trip to Kenya just ah-maazing!?!?”
She drug out the last word and her voice went up and I was afraid to commit. It’s the tone used to describe a memorable vacation in an exotic place with a lot of exclamation points.
Before I could answer, she said, “I bet you just want to give all this up and move there!”
When I answered, I meant to say was, “Yes, we had some amazing moments. But it was also hard.”
Instead what came out was, “On this trip to Kenya, I convinced one of the teen moms not to run away with her tiny baby, we bathed in a bucket because there was a water shortage and counted the hours until we boarded the plane. Oh, and I saw a man die in the middle of the road.”
She couldn’t grab her noodles fast enough.
I was left standing in the pasta aisle thinking don’t make me pick a favorite place. I can love America and Kenya, while I simultaneously dislike certain things about both places. I can do both even though lately it feels like our culture is trying desperately to squeeze us all into a polarizing box.
I live a paradox and you know what? That’s okay.
A couple of weeks ago, I was scrolling on Instagram and stopped when I saw Jessica Honneger’s selfie and a sign that read “Things I can do at the exact same time: Be curvy + Be healthy; Be a teacher + a CEO; Be content + healthy; Shop Fair Trade + Shop Target; Be Scared + Be Brave.”
I loved her list and so did a lot of other people. So, here’s my unfinished list of contradictions:
I can love sweet tea and Keto (loving them at the same time might make one ineffective).
I can not be a cat lover but love the cat that became my college daughter’s roommate
I can protect my immune-compromised kid and let my other kids do high-risk activities.
I can be pro-life and not vote Republican.
I can love immigrants and refugees and not vote Democratic.
I can be politically homeless and love my country.
I can run a non-profit and also have no idea what I’m doing some days.
I can be a storyteller but not a public speaker.
I can choose to wear a mask if it means others around me feel protected even if I’m not convinced of all the science around it.
I can find new hobbies and passions and still binge-watch Netflix.
I can put up boundaries for toxic people and still fiercely love them.
I can see behind the veil of conspiracy theories while I also believe evil is at work in our world.
I can believe in the absolute truth of the Bible and still love my neighbors who don’t.
I can love Muslims and be in relationships with them and not try to “convert” them.
I can anxiously wait for the return of Jesus and also live every day to the fullest.
I can hate recording videos for Mercy House and also look forward to hosting Facebook lives sales for Mercy House.
I can be a smart intelligent woman who also admits I don’t have all the answers.
Friends, let’s refuse to be labeled. We don’t belong in a box!
I spoke to two women this week—women I would describe as hungry.
Both were choosing tough situations: not situations where they needed to endure, but choices that twanged my heart like a violin string. Choices whose destination would be obvious if they weren’t within them. I found myself wordless.
My friends seemed desperate for a safe embrace from me. For acceptance. But my head clanged with warning. Y’know those situations where you wonder if you’ll burn precious equity if you speak now?
It’s not a situation new to me. I think Jesus witnessed it, with soft, seeing eyes, in the woman at the well (John 4). Too many uneducated, desperate, physically famished and exhausted women I knew in Africa turned to pregnancy to pay the bills, hopefully securing a provider.
It would have been easy for me to perch on a moral high horse, brain spouting lines from True Love Waits campaigns. But I’d never gone that hungry. Education, a loving family, and a full fridge left me stocked with choices that made sense to a well-fed brain.
Feasts vs. Fences
My encounters this week made me think of a concept described by a large-animal veterinary friend of mine, who quoted Pastor Kempton Turner. Turner explains that when seeking to keep a horse on your property (which on average weigh 840-2200 pounds. I looked that up), go for a feast rather than a fence. Well-fed horses chewing a thick buffet of pasture don’t really care to charge the fence.
Even if you’ve never gone physically hungry beyond your own volition, I’m guessing you can still resonate with seasons where heart-hunger bores into you like a toothache.
And when starving, we’re vulnerable.
We’re reaching for the metaphorical bag of chips above the fridge we said we’d never touch. Shoot, the kids’ leftover sandwich crusts look good. You could fill a spoon with Dijon mustard and be okay.
God knows this about us. Knows the cravings eating away at us, bite by bite.
For my people have committed two evils:
They have forsaken Me,
the fountain of living waters,
and hewed out cisterns for themselves,
broken cisterns that can hold no water. (Jeremiah 2:13)
And really–this is where belief comes in. It’s where I must acknowledge the lie, and deny it.
That apparent, immediate fulfillment I’m depending upon to make my life sing–I will always find it lacking.
The antidote: trusting that God is my missing puzzle piece. (Oh yes, you hear it too, don’t you? “You…complete me.”) Your love is better than life, Lord (Psalm 63:1-4).
You are enough. Nothing can come close to filling the God-shaped holes in me.
My craving can’t be quenched with anything–anything, kids or a husband or parents or boss or some dream or finally being free of x. My hunger’s hearty, exuberant satisfaction is found in a solitary place. I must believe God’s love–provision–control–comfort–are enough.
Not even my kids’ safety. Or my control of my husband. Or my own perfection. Or everyone signing off on my appearance and choices. Or finally sealing the deal that promotion. (I know that’s been my story, searing as it is to recall.)
He’s the only Bread that satisfies my hunger (John 6:35). The only Well that doesn’t leak (John 4:13-14).
Know Your Hunger
But here’s the other thing, friends. My hunger sneaks up on me. I may think it’s not that big of a deal if my marriage shows signs of slipping off the edge, or that I’m snapping at my kids for lack of my own self care, or that I can’t think of a single friend I’d call at 3 AM.
But pretending my hunger isn’t there? It might mean sneaking a veritable cupcake of satisfaction doesn’t feel like that big of a deal.
After all. Eve’s hunger wasn’t just for fruit. Just sayin’.
This week, choose to compassionately see the hunger lying beneath your friends and your own choices. Address the hunger rather than just the swiped, illegitimate satisfaction.
And together, seek the Feast who will actually satisfy.
Eight Things Our Kids Don’t Need This Summer
May 21, 2019
It’s nearly the end of May and I already feel it–the pressure to make summer magical.
And I don’t know about you, but I’m just trying to get to summer.
Lunch boxes are missing, backpacks are nasty. We are limping to the finish line, people.
We were like the little engine who could and now we. just. can’t.
Anyone else?
My inbox is bulging with camp invitations and appealing summer fun. And my kids have started asking, “What are we doing this summer?”
I have no idea.
I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing perfect about my life. It’s messy. There are unexpected bills and difficult decisions and challenging relationships, crockpot dinners and there is a lot of hard work.
Past summers have taught us that unplanned, spontaneous days are often favorites. But it’s easy to listen to what our culture is telling us our kids need June, July and August–but let’s talk about what they don’t need this summer:
1. A Free Pass– It’s okay to expect our kids to work a little–to help cook and clean, and work extra jobs around the house. If they aren’t old enough to rake leaves or babysit, create a job jar with suggested ideas. Let’s face it, moms need help and kids feel good about helping (usually after they are done).
2. An Elaborate Calendar of Events– It’s okay for kids to be bored, to have an unscheduled day of doing nothing. This is the fertile ground that often produces creativity. Give them a cardboard box and send them to the backyard.
3. A Pin-worthy Summer | I try not to even look at Pinterest. Oh, I love it, but sometimes, all the perfection makes me feel pretty pathetic. And really, I don’t want to know the 101 things I can make with a pool noodle. So, give yourself a break and give them paper and crayons and call it art.
4. Everything They Ask For | Summer often means kids go where we do–the grocery store, the gas station, into the bathrooms we are occupying. I’m learning my kids won’t actually die of hunger or boredom because I make them wait. Kids will usually take everything we give them. But that doesn’t mean we should give them everything they want.
5. Our Guilt | Moms tend to feel guilty about just about everything. Too much, too little. Let’s give ourselves a big fat break!
6. Stuff They Don’t Need | One summer I filled up a box called our Summer Box and it was basically a lot of junk that I hoped would occupy my kid’s time. It did for 37 seconds and then they wanted me to refill it. Oh, I was naive. Learn from my mistake. Hand them a water hose and put them in the backyard.
7. Stuff We Can’t Afford | There’s a camp for everything. Literally everything. But they are expensive. If that’s part of your summer plan, ask your kids to contribute in some way–let them buy their camp t-shirt or take spending money they’ve earned from odd jobs. They might just appreciate your sacrifice more if they make one, too.
8. For Summer to Be All About Them | I love summer with my kids. I can’t wait to sleep in and tackle a bucket list. But we can’t make it all about them. Some of our favorite memories involve giving summer away– finding ways to serve. And those moments that are so boring often turn into the best memories.
It’s going to be a great summer! I can’t wait.
When Your Child Is Not A World Changer
Nov 16, 2018
So I got a call this morning from the principal. I confess to even wishing her (rather brightly) a Happy Friday.
She responded pretty kindly, considering my son was there in the office with her. (It was only 8:40. What could happen before 8:40?)
So the details are a little sketchy. But the not-so-sketchy part: My nine-year-old was definitely in a a “substantial scuffle” (her words) over a kid not taking turns. Y’know, the student council member, chess club participant, after-school choirboy (literally), ex-missionary kid?
…Yeah. That’s the one. We used to joke he’d either be president someday, or leading all the other felons in prison.
None of my kids ever went to the office. But then again, I was homeschooling in Africa for a big part of that time, so I was the principal. I have joined the ranks of mortified mothers.
But then again, I’ve been a member for awhile. In case you have an idea that missionary kids are generally perfect kids, don’t worry: Mine are 100% far-from-perfect.
And this is after I did (this very morning) what I told you I do: Tell my kids as they’re walking out the door to listen to the Holy Spirit, to love on other kids, to make a difference.
(At least that last one happened. Maybe I should have said what kind of difference?)
On Days When the Darkness Wins
I write this to you because on some days of motherhood, we feel like we’re brightening our little corner, conquering just a little bit of darkness.
And on other days? Our candle gets blown out. Or someone sits on our helmet. And maybe we’re bleeding, limping a little.
Will we submit our vision for our kids…to God’s path for them? I admit a part of me shudders to write this: We often say are willing for God to use our kids for anything he desires. Yet are we willing to leave the “anything” up to him?
God’s Long Game
A couple of years ago, my husband and I met with parents of kids my husband and I had in the youth group back in the day. (When I was…more youthful.) We leaned forward over our Pick Twos from Panera, or chatted in the slanting afternoon light of their living rooms.
And here is what I will remember: I am thankful for God’s long game.
They were the parents of kids with whom we remember sitting with late into the night, wrestling with questions of faith. I had a slumber party with the girls; we probably painted our toenails a few times. My husband tossed the football or grabbed a Coke with the guys.
Now, some of them are youth sponsors or young pastors or steadfast moms with their own babies smiling toothlessly up from their proud grandparents’ photos. Not all of them are out of the woods yet when it comes to faith.
But while I went away with a reverent fear for parenting adult children—I also departed with a reverent fear of God. Yes, God cares about the intricacies of these moments in front of us. But His elaborate complexity is so far beyond my scope.
His time-space architecture, quite frankly, is way out of my league. In those years, I saw kids in junior high. He saw them from before one of their days came to be. He sees them now as parents, community members. He sees their days long after this one.
Remember Who’s the World-Changer
I wonder what the biblical David’s mom thought if she was still alive when David’s utter crash-and-burn with Uriah and Bathsheba came to light. I wonder if Jeremiah’s mom hit her knees when he was suicidal. Or if Moses’ mother spiraled downward when he killed a man.
Were their kids world-changers? Unmistakably. Not because these guys were the cream of the crop because of anything they’d done.
Kids become world-changers because of a world-changing God.
Remember the words of Joseph to his brothers, who actually sold him into slavery (bet your kids haven’t done that!), setting off a domino effect that included his years in prison.
As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. (Genesis 50:20)
Yes, your parenting matters. By all means, raise world changers! But your parenting—and Kristen will be the first to tell you this–is far from the last word.
I’ve had pastors and pastors’ kids and missionaries and excellent mothers and Christian businesspeople tell me about their wild days before God got ahold of them. And I try to stow them somewhere in my heart for days when I feel like I’m losing more ground than I’m gaining. Remember: He is the God of the long game.
Make no mistake, mother of a very human would-be world-changer. Any world-changing on our part is an act of grace.
On days when you want to hang up the phone and cry—remember that the God who raised us from the dead is the same one who raises our kids, and the world around them. May our kids not be marked by their perfection, but their repentance and God’s power and undeserved kindness.
For When You’re Having a Hard Time Being Human
Sep 14, 2018
I’m rarely at a loss for words.
But that’s exactly how I’ve felt the past month every time I’ve started to write a blog post. I’ve been sharing my life in this space for a decade now. Ten years. By now, we know each other well. So, you know that when I don’t know what to say next, I’m in a weird place.
I can say this: I’ve had a hard time being a human lately. I, mean, I like being human, I’m just not very good at it.
I told my husband the other night after a long day that I was ready for Heaven. He looked alarmed. I reassured him that I wasn’t planning on an immediate trip, but I’ve just felt more homesick than normal.
Here’s why: I was sitting in church a couple of weeks ago and I was reminded we weren’t created for this earth. We were created for eternity and being a human on earth comes with problems and pain; suffering and struggles.
Randy Alcorn says that “Nothing is more often misdiagnosed than our homesickness for Heaven. We think that what we want is sex, drugs, alcohol, a new job, a raise, a doctorate, a spouse, a large-screen television, a new car, a cabin in the woods, a condo in Hawaii. What we really want is the person we were made for, Jesus, and the place we were made for, Heaven. Nothing less can satisfy us.”
Our problems tether us to Heaven, not earth. If our day-to-day is all we had to look forward to, some weeks would be down right depressing, but our pain forces us to look to Jesus.
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing.For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodiesWhile we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. 2 Corinthians 5:1-9
I love what C.S. Lewis says, “The fact that our heart yearns for something earth can’t supply is proof that Heaven must be our home.”
So, when life hits you hard and you get tired of being a human, it just means that we were created for something more.
Sometimes When You’re in a Dark Place You Think You’ve Been Buried, But Actually You’ve Been Planted
Sep 03, 2018
This summer while we were hiking in the mountains one day during our sabbatical, my family wanted to keep climbing. I wanted to hide in the cleft of the rock. It was quiet and beautiful and I took a deep breath, stretched out my legs and rested while they kept going. That’s when I saw the small opening in the rocks behind me. I bent down and peeked into the black hole and I was surprised to see bright green plants growing in the darkness.
I have thought about those little plants and their bad odds a hundred times since. It made think of these words I read once by Sandra King, “The tiny seed knew that in order to grow, it needed to be dropped in the dirt, covered in darkness, and struggle to reach the light.”
Three weeks ago we got some unexpected news in our family that made the walls feel like they were closing in.
There have been some dark days since.
There have been some really good ones, too. I keep thinking that’s how life is –a mixture of good and hard and I keep remembering that we really never know what people around us are going through.
This new chapter is still unfolding for our family and it holds stories I can’t tell yet. Or maybe ever. But believe me when I say I know what it feels like to be buried.
I’m in over my head with fear and worry. I’m drowning in uncertainty. I’m full of hope. Some days I can see the light and I feel like everything will be okay. Other days, I’m clinging to Jesus in the darkness. But every day I believe with my whole heart that He redeems everything.
Rain falls in all of our lives-sometimes it’s a fierce storm and sometimes it’s a constant drizzle. But when the clouds cover and it gets dark and we try to get our footing at the base of another impossible mountain, we have to remember things aren’t always as they appear. I love this truth:
Sometimes when you’re in a dark place you think you’ve been buried, but you’ve actually been planted.”-Christine Caine
I have found so much peace in these words the past couple of weeks. When life piles up around us and the darkness overcomes, maybe we aren’t being buried. Maybe we are really being planted. Because that’s how we grow.
I don’t know what you might be going through today. You might be in a season of light and mountaintops. I hope so. But if your view is unclear and darkness threatens your joy, know that when things look dark and hard and you can’t find a way out, you are growing. And God is moving.
A Message From {My World Changer}
May 02, 2018
My 18 year old daughter has been passionate about fashion since birth. A couple of years ago she began to turn that passion into a mission. She has educated herself and advocated for slow fashion. She has not only taught me a lot about justice, she has also helped develop an action plan at Mercy House Global regarding ethical fashion. Because of her influence, Mercy House Global and Fair Trade Friday are releasing a comprehensive Ethical Shopping Guide today. Can a kid really change the world? Yes, yes, they can.
Guest post by Madison Welch
2 years ago, I was just like every other teen girl. I loved fashion and cute clothes, and any extra money I had was spent on weekend shopping trips to the mall.
I would shop the sale racks at my favorite stores, like H&M, Forever 21, American Eagle, and Altar’d State. I found a coupon for everything, and when I got an item for less, it just sweetened the deal. Finding a five dollar t-shirt or ten dollar jeans made my day.
However, I had never stopped to think about what that five dollar t-shirt was costing someone else.
Although I was raised with a global mindset and missional view of the world because of my parent’s nonprofit Mercy House Global, no one had ever told me about the horrible practices that go on in the factories in many of the world’s largest fast fashion brands.
But when I was in Ethiopia on a Mercy House Global trip in 2016, my world was forever changed.
In Ethiopia, my mom and I planned to meet and partner with a non-profit that employed women to sew clothes and school uniforms for kids. However, we were met with the shocking news that the organization was closing. The nonprofit’s founder explained to us that the women of his nonprofit couldn’t compete with the prices of a neighboring factory.
No one wanted to buy ethically made clothes when they could just as easily be made for cheaper by the factory next door. A factory owned by corrupt managers, who employed their garment workers with salaries of less than 20 cents an hour. And when the non-profit leader confronted the managers about their exploitative wages, the managers simply replied that they could lower the wages to 10 cents, and people would still line up for jobs. This factory was one of H&M’s largest suppliers.
When I heard that news, I was shocked. On the way back from the meeting, I checked the tag of the shirt I was wearing. H&M. Made in Ethiopia.
I had heard that some brands like H&M and Forever 21 had been involved with sweatshop labor in the past, but I didn’t think it was a big deal. Not until I was in Ethiopia and saw for myself what was really going on. This H&M factory wasn’t one of a kind. What shocked me more than learning about this individual factory was learning that there are tens of thousands just like it.
You see, the problem with our fashion-industry isn’t that people are supporting horrible labor practices, it’s that they don’t know they are supporting horrible labor practices.
(Horrible labor practices refer to things like paying your factory workers less than a living wage, forcing them to work in unsafe conditions, demanding extremely long hours, verbal and physical abuse, exploiting female workers for sex, discriminating against certain employees, and hiring children.)
Here are some of the facts concerning our current global fashion industry:
Over 75 million people across the world work to make our clothing, and approximately 80 % of them are women.
The majority of garment workers are not payed a livable wage and are subject to unsafe and exploitative working conditions
“Today, both people and the environment suffer as a result of the way fashion is made, sourced and consumed.” Fashion Revolution
Thinking about the people that had been paid 10 cents or less to make the t-shirt I was wearing made me sick. After my trip to Ethiopia, I had to find out more about these factories and where my clothes were made. Through my jet-lag filled nights I researched, and googled, spent countless hours combing through articles.
Fashion Revolution is a global movement to fight for a change in the current practices of our fashion industry. Every year, during the week of April 24th, Fashion Revolution campaigns to spread awareness and demand change. Why April 24th? Because that’s the day that started this movement.
Photo from fashionrevolution.org
In 2013, a garment factory in Rana Plaza, Bangladesh collapsed, killing over 1,134. Over 2500 people were injured. The day before, workers had noticed cracks in the walls and foundations of the building, but factory managers ignored their complaints, and instead threatened to with-hold their paychecks, and ordered them to return the next day. The day that changed 1,134 families forever.
For the next two weeks, people were pulled from the rubble, dead and alive. Among them, tags and fabric were found from the brands of the Children’s Place, Primark (a British brand), Joe Fresh (sold at JCPenney), Mango, and Walmart, and several other international retailers.
This horrific tragedy marked the deadliest structural failure accident in modern history, and also the deadliest garment-factory accident in history. But it also marked a turning point in the global fashion industry.
I’ve told you about all of the horrible labor practices that go on around the world, but what’s the alternative?
How can we as consumers avoid brands that manufacture their products in factories that exploit workers?
First, you can do your research.
By reading this post and others like it, you are becoming an educated consumer. If you are this far, you are already breaking part of the cycle. Most people wouldn’t willingly support the labor practices I shared with you about, but most people simply and honestly don’t know where their clothes and other products are made. We see labels on everything, but what does that tell us?
“Made in China” doesn’t tell us if our shirt was made in a factory like the one in Ethiopia. It doesn’t tell us the name of the person who made it, or if they were paid a livable wage. As consumers, we have to look past the tag, and ask the hard questions.
Where was my shirt made?
Who made my shirt?
Were they paid a livable wage?
Were they exploited in any way?
Was my shirt made in an environmentally conscious way?
When we buy our products, these are the questions we need to ask ourselves. It’s up to us to do the research and find out if the brands we love are committed to honoring fair labor practices.
Second, you can support the brands that are committed to honoring fair labor practices.
Look for brands that certify their products are “ethically made,” “fair trade,” or “made in the USA.” Companies and brands that label their products as ethically made are certifying that that they honor fair and safe labor practices, and that they are conscious of the environment. These companies either regularly visit and have close relationships with the factories they work with, or they work directly with their artisans and producers.
Fair trade certified brands will have a logo or sticker like this:
Photo from fairtradecertified.org
Fair trade certified brands ensure that their products are made in safe conditions, by workers who are paid a livable wage, and work fair hours.
Products that are made in the USA are also a great alternative to unethical brands. In the USA, we have labor laws that protect our producers and factory workers from the exploitation other workers around the world face. Auditors and inspectors regularly visit factories in the USA to maintain that they comply with fair labor practices and the laws of this country, and the minimum wage law ensures that people earn living wages.
Third, you can change the way you consume.
As consumers, we are used to a capitalistic economy that caters to our every want and need. Fashion and market trends change with the click of a button or snap of your fingers. Things leave the market just as fast as they enter.
On average, a fashion garment is worn only 4 times before it gets thrown away. Often, we don’t shop looking for items that will last. We buy what is currently trendy and cute now, and don’t stop to think about the way we will feel about the item in a few months.
In order for our current fashion industry to change, we as consumers have to change. We have to move away from fast fashion and towards slow, conscious fashion. When you are about to buy an item of clothing, ask yourself these questions:
Am I only buying this because it is in fashion or trendy now?
Will I like this item one year from now?
Will this item become a staple piece in my closet?
Is this item ethically and consciously made?
Is this item well-crafted and made to last?
Slow fashion is all about making the most of what we have, and getting as much use out of the products we buy. Slow fashion means buying a pair of ethically and well-made jeans that cost $60 instead of three pairs of unethically and cheaply made $20 jeans.
With slow fashion, we have to surrender the mindset that we need more, and instead buy less and buy better.
Slow fashion forces us to shift our style and mindset from fast and trendy to slow and classic. It’s a shift we must make in order to create a true change in the way we purchase.
Slow fashion also pushes us to make buying new products our last resort. It’s best to first use what you have, then borrow or swap with someone else.
Photo from twitter account @HappyCityUK
Ethically and fairly made clothing isn’t always the most affordable, and it can sometimes be hard to find room in your budget to buy these products. Often, our budget is what pushes us to buy unethically made clothing, simply because it’s cheaper.
However, there’s another way that is easy on your wallet, helps you find cute clothes, and doesn’t hurt the environment or aid unethical fashion. Thrift shopping is the easiest and most affordable way to change the way you shop and consume.
But even if you find some incredible deals, don’t just buy something because it has a certain brand name or because it’s cheap; buy it because you will wear it.
Here are several good thrift stores to get you started!
Goodwill- clothing, shoes, home goods, furniture
Salvation Army- Clothing
Family Thrift Center- Clothing, Shoes, Accessories
Plato’s Closet- Junior’s Clothing
Style Encore- High End Clothing Brands
Once Upon A Child- Children’s Clothing
Kid-to-Kid- Children’s clothing
ReStore- Home Goods, Furniture, Hard Ware, Building Materials
If you have to or need to buy something new, buy it ethically. Buying is usually a last resort, because it’s always best for our planet and people to use what we have first.
Lastly, we can petition the brands we love to make major changes in the way they source and supply their clothes.
Last year, I decided to send an email to a clothing company that I loved. Every time I shopped in this store, I noticed that they carried some fair trade and made in the USA clothing, but I wondered about where the rest of their clothing was made. I searched their website, but found no answer.
So I decided to send them an email.
Later that day, I got a reply… but it wasn’t the answer I was hoping for.
This is a company that earns millions in revenue each year, carries some fair trade and made in the USA brands, and donates 1% of their sales to charity.
Their mission statement reads, “SERVING as an inspiration, EMPOWERING others, by GIVING more than we receive, we stand out for good to glorify GOD.”
But are they only empowering the people they sell their clothes to?
How are they empowering the people who make their clothes?
How can they not use the resources they have to ensure and make sure that the factories they are working with do not support unfair labor practices?
We as consumers have to hold these brands accountable, and call them out on the things they should be doing better. It’s not enough to just “take the manufacturer’s word on their policies.”
Companies need to take the step to knowingly and willingly work with factories and production facilities that certify safe and fair working conditions for their employees.
This is the email I sent back to their response:
I never received a response back. I have since decided not to shop their store label clothing, because I don’t know where it comes from or who is making it.
As consumers we have an obligation and duty to put the pressure on brands and companies to create better labor practices and to ensure the safety of their workers.
If not us, then who? If not now, then when? No one else is going to hold these brands accountable, but as their customers, we have the power to demand change.
If we choose not to buy from brands that aren’t willing to make a change in their supply chain, than we are showing them that a change needs to take place in order for customers to buy from them.
It shouldn’t be enough that an item of clothing is beautifully made. It needs to also be crafted by hands that aren’t being abused or exploited.
It shouldn’t be enough that an item of clothing is on sale or has a reasonable price. It also needs to be made by someone who is being paid a livable and fair wage.
It shouldn’t be enough that an item of clothing is cute and stylish. It needs to be made by someone who isn’t a child laborer.
These are the requirements we need to hold brands accountable to, and it’s up to us as consumers to make our requirements known.
Brands have the power and resources and money to change the way their goods are supplied.
It is up to us to demand that change. It is up to us become more educated consumers, and to learn about the brands we are buying from. It is up to us to change the way we think about fashion and consumption. It is up to us to buy better, and to support brands that are making an effort towards ethical and fair fashion.
Fast fashion isn’t cute. So what are you going to do about it?
The Poorest People In The World
Apr 14, 2018
“The bedbugs used to eat my babies but God is God and now they get to sleep,” Agnes
“I’m thankful that God has given me a new name. I was “that poor woman” but now I have a name,” Esther
“I was a sex worker but now I’m free and I have a good job making jewelry,” Faith
“I’m thankful for clean food. I used to only get food from the dump,” Papina
“I thank God that I can feed my children,” Miriam
“I’m thankful that I now have more than one dress to wear so I don’t have to wash and dry my only one every night,” Jane
“I’m grateful my child that was stolen while I lived on the street has been found,” Mama Gideon
As I listened to each woman share her gratitude in a slum in Kenya today, I realized sometimes we don’t even know everything we have until we hear what others say they are thankful they have received.
Because I’ve never once thanked God that my children didn’t sleep with bedbugs or that I have more than one dress or that I’m not a sex worker.
Perspective is everything.
I don’t know why God asked me to spend the rest of my life telling the stories of the poor. But sharing theirs has rewritten mine. I discovered that my lack of gratitude made me a pauper and their thanksgiving made them wealthy.
Because Gratitude helps us see what is there instead of what isn’t.
If you’d asked me a decade ago about these women, I would have said they were the poorest people in the world.
But I’ve realized the poorest people in the world aren’t people who have nothing. The poorest people in the world are those who aren’t grateful for what they have.
Something pretty amazing happens when we choose gratitude–we share what we’ve been given.
As I listened to women on the this side of the ocean say what they were thankful for today, I thought of how your generosity, your purchases, your gratitude has made every testimony of praise possible.
It’s true. God has used every dollar that has been given to Mercy House since 2010 to make the impossible, possible.
I’m an eyewitness and I’m standing on holy ground and I’m telling you–it is working. Because God is working.
When you become a part of someone else’s story because of gratitude, you remind women in poverty that God knows their name.
When you become a monthly donor and support our maternity centers in Kenya, you change entire generations.
Gratitude turns what we have into enough.
When we have enough, we share our extra.
And it makes us the richest people in the world.
You Go Where You’re Sent, You Stay Where You’re Put, You Give What You’ve Got Until You’re Done
Feb 12, 2018
I had a meltdown on the subway.
I guess it was bound to happen. In less than a week, I’d taken a quick trip to Kenya to show Ann Voskamp around and to bring back new fair trade pieces (rugs! throws!) from our artisans, spent a couple of sleepy days at home juggling all the things and then I was off to New York City to launch Mercy House’s first wholesale collection at a Handmade Global Market.
It started with my favorite boots. I grabbed a seat on the crowded subway and snuggled up to my sister and daughter in the freezing wind. I reached down to arrange my socks and noticed mud from the slum still caked on the heels of my boots.
And just like that –the two worlds I straddle (sometimes badly) collided. I was wide awake in the city that never sleeps.
The heavy responsibility, audacity and impossibility of what I was trying to do hit me like a ton of bricks. I know that God has asked us to turn very poor women into artisans as a way to prevent the trafficking that leads pregnant teen girls to our maternity homes, but it would have been a lot easier to turn skilled artisans into producers. But He asked and I said yes.
What began 8 years ago (this week!) as a desire to help survival prostitutes in Kenya, has taken us on the journey of job creation to not only provide opportunity where there is none, but to also fund three rescue centers from the result of those new jobs.
I kept repeating Jill Briscoe’s words, “You go where you’re sent, you stay where you’re put, you give what you’ve got until you’re done.”
But I was scared. And in the middle of that subway car, as my family held my hands and prayed for me, I couldn’t stop the tears.
Because no one will every really know the high cost of our yes.
But we keep answering because He keeps asking. We say yes because it’s worth it. We go because He came so that others my find Him. We don’t wait to become brave. “Courage isn’t a feeling you wait for. Courage is doing when you don’t have courage. Courage is doing it scared.” Jill Briscoe
Our amazing Mercy House team styled our beautiful booth and hung the cotton throws and soft rugs and I couldn’t help but tell everyone who would listen the names of the women who sat at looms for five long days to weave each one. I whispered miujiza “miracles” again and again under my breath, thanking God for asking, even if I continue to reply with a scared shaky yes.
It is working because He is working. And I’m constantly being worked on. So that I may do this work.
When the first order was placed, for a variety of our product, I had to let our staff continue the conversation with the customer because crying in NYC at the Global Handmade Market might be a little unprofessional.
But when you ask God for a creative idea for a product and He delivers and you fly across the ocean to sit in the homes of desperate women and teach it to them, when you dare to turn very poor women into artisans, and you stand in your unlikely booth in NYC and get your first large wholesale order, there will be tears.
I don’t know what God has asked you to do. But I am certain He is asking. Everyone of us is created to answer Him.
Yeah, I don’t know what He’s asking you today, but I know that it will cost you. The question might be to go. Or to stay. The question might be to open your home to a foster child or your heart to an orphan, to sponsor, support, someone who has less than you do, to sacrifice and share what you’ve been given.
And no one will ever really know what it will cost you–the great personal sacrifice of your time and resources, the energy expended, the fears and tears, the hurtful words of those who question your yes, the way it has broken your heart and given you purpose, the stress and tension its put on your family, the gray hair, the 10 extra pounds, the helpless pain of carrying another person’s trauma, the crushing burden and unspeakable joy it brings you. But God know and He’s the only one who really counts.
We say yes because this is God’s good plan–to use the scared, the unlikely, the broken, the uncertain yes-sayers to do Kingdom work for His glory.
You go where you’re sent, you stay where you’re put, you give what you’ve got until you’re done.
Lean in. Listen close. Say yes to God, friends. It’s worth it. Because it’s here in this place–with mud on our boots and tears in our eyes–we meet Jesus.
The Christmas I Got What I Asked For (And What It Taught Me About Entitlement)
Dec 07, 2017
I’ll never forget the first time I told my husband not to get me anything for Christmas.
It was the year he got me exactly what I’d asked for.
Nothing.
I watched my kids open their gifts, snapped pictures of their excited faces, made a big breakfast feast and I waited. I knew he was going to pull out a surprise gift.
But he didn’t. And I was disappointed.
Inwardly, I felt like such an ungrateful brat. He was doing exactly what I told him, but the problem was I still had expectations. I still wanted…something.
A couple of days after Christmas, he brought home a belated gift and I said thank you, you didn’t have to. We both knew I had missedthe point of Christmas.
A couple of months later, I traveled to Africa for the first time and my life–including my expectations and entitlement– wrecked me. I had no idea this yes would turn my life completely upside down.
There are expectations with Christmas. And with expectations, comes disappointment. And disappointment is the breeding ground for ingratitude.We’ve had our fair share of all of the above in our house.
My youngest is in her last year of elementary school this year. She came home the other day and we had this conversation:
“Mom, my friends and I were talking about Christmas presents. Everyone was telling how many presents they each open on Christmas morning. I told them I get three gifts. The other kids couldn’t believe it. Did you know other kids get 10 or even 20? I think they felt sorry for me,” she said. I could hear the longing for more in her voice. It was a good opportunity to talk about expectations and how gratitude turns what we have into enough.
I spent the first few years as a mother giving my kids everything I wanted them to have whether they needed it or not and I failed to see that I was creating an atmosphere that would be difficult to change.
We all know how hard parenting is… But if I’ve learned anything in this parenting journey, I’ve discovered that entitled kids start with parents who entitle them. And if we are really honest, we might admit we struggle with our own list of things we think we deserve.
Here are 4 ways to battle entitlement this Christmas season–for us and our kids:
1. Give back on Christmas Day | Look for a way to do something tangible for someone else on Christmas Day. For 6-7 years, we’ve taken treats to the local hospitals that took care of our youngest when she was born premature. It’s always a great way to stop in the middle of celebrating and remember someone else. Invite a single person over for Christmas dinner or visit someone who might feel forgotten…
2. Don’t forget to create opportunities for hard work | Grace and salvation are free, but stuff we want isn’t. Sometimes this is more obvious at Christmas (especially if we don’t get what we hoped for). Typically this time of year, we put up a job list up and give our kids opportunities to earn money to buy Christmas gifts. Two of my kids actually argued over who got to do the job that topped the list: SCOOP DOG POOP. It’s these kind of moments in parenting, that we treasure in our hearts. Here are 15 ways to teach kids about hard work. (Christmas break is a great time to start).
3. Look for the lesson -When entitlement rears its head, look beyond the demand. | When my kids expect more than I give them, my first reaction isn’t to look for the teachable moment. But I’m learning that’s often what I need to do. I understand I’ve created some of the problem and it’s to be expected in our culture in certain situations. Offering perspective is often a great way to remind kids how much they already have.
4. Make gratitude a way of life all year long | When we make gratitude and thankfulness a priority all the time, kids are more apt to show thankfulness when they get what they want and when they don’t.
Christmas and kids go together. And in our culture, entitlement right along with them. My family will be opening gifts on Christmas morning probably like yours. Everyone might get exactly what they want or maybe they won’t. But we can start teaching our kids the true meaning of Christmas by making entitled moments teachable ones and thanking them for grateful ones.
Our Life Is Someone Else’s Fairytale
Nov 30, 2017
I opened the front door and welcomed them into my home again. I watched their eyes widen at our Christmas tree heavy with ornaments, the holiday pillows on my sofa and personalized stockings hanging on the mantle,.
My home is hardly a page out of a magazine. While they looked around in wonder, I saw the floor that needed to be swept, the sink full of dishes from a hurried dinner as we rushed to the airport, the air mattress my son would call his bed for the next two weeks because it’s our guest room, the overladen laundry baskets I’d hidden in my bedroom…I saw what I needed to do, what I didn’t have, what I thought was missing. I saw my life.
But as I welcomed my friends from Kenya into our home this week, I was reminded of this quote I’d written across my notepad a few days earlier, “Be thankful for what you have. Your life, no matter how bad you think it is, is someone else’s fairy tale,” Wale Ayeni.
I saw my life through their eyes and immediately saw all I have instead of what I don’t.
From the spray nozzle at the sink, to the Instant Pot on my counter to every convenience and comfort I take for granted on a daily basis, I instantly saw my life in a new light.
It’s our annual perspective check when we have the honor of welcoming the third world into our first and it is exactly what I needed in the middle of this holiday season.
Isn’t this the eye adjustment we need most during this time of the year—just a tweak to the way we see and it all becomes so clear: we have so much to be grateful for–no matter what. So many of our challenges and our problems in this first world are luxuries in the next. It doesn’t mean that we don’t struggle, it just means we need to remember that we get to choose how we go about it. We get to choose gratitude instead of grumbling, calm instead of complaining, praise instead of pouting.
As we carried their bags upstairs, I couldn’t help but think about what my friends witness– and have lived—on a daily basis: unimaginable choices young mothers have made for survival as they lead the Kenyan side of Mercy House, oppressive and hopeless poverty, and suffering. So much suffering.
Because our life, no matter how bad we think it is, is someone else’s fairy tale.
Be grateful for what you have. It’s more than you think.
The Truth About Parenting
Oct 29, 2017
In my first few years of adjusting to motherhood, I made a lot of mistakes (and I’m not referring to buying a “colic machine” that vibrated my crying baby’s crib. Scam. I got a refund.).
I worried a lot and second-guessed myself. Why is she crying? Is she hungry? Why won’t she sleep? I struggled with trying to control this new little human. Some days I spent hours trying to get my baby to sleep and other days I would go to great lengths to wake my sleeping baby so I could feed her.
I think one of my biggest mistakes was not taking enough time for myself. I probably would have blamed it on being financially strapped but it was also simple neglect.
My glaring inadequacies were more noticeable and I began to understand for the first time as a new parent how God feels about me, His child. Parenting is God’s mirror: it shows us a reflection of ourselves as we really are. I see myself in my children—good traits and bad—the way God sees me.
If you’ve ever had a two-year-old have a complete meltdown, kicking and screaming included, in a quiet library filled with serious book readers, you know what I mean. I’ll never forget marching my child back in the next day, so we could apologize, hoping they wouldn’t recognize us. They knew exactly who we were. I don’t think I went back to the library for a year after that.
I am stubborn too. I want freedom and choices. I want things my way. God is there, a constant. He never stops loving me. He is patient. He waits. I can see it now: the reflection. The gentle way He parents me. His discipline comes from abiding love. “Yes, I’m beginning to understand, God.” Thankfully, God isn’t repelled by our neediness.
Mothering is a journey. We don’t ever truly arrive. As our children grow, their needs change. Problems come and go, but they will always be our kids. I still call my mom when I need her and she still comes.
I don’t want to wish away today thinking tomorrow will be easier with my children. I want to live today the best I can and learn from it. Mothering is more about me growing up then my children. I used to think becoming a parent meant I knew something but the longer I’m a mom, the more I realize how much I don’t know.
excerpt from Rhinestone Jesus: Saying Yes to God When Are Safe Sparkly Faith Is No Longer Enough
The Secret To Raising Grateful Kids
Oct 09, 2017
I’ve discovered the secret to raising grateful kids in an entitled world.
Lean in and I’ll tell you…
It doesn’t exist.
Every home and every kid is different. That’s one of the things that makes family life so amazing and challenging–we are unique! There are no two exactly alike. What works for one, might not work for the other. We are all doing the best we can.
But I’m all ears when I hear what works for someone else because you never know! The beauty of community is we can learn from each other’s mistakes and successes. I’m not done in this parenting journey; I’m in the trenches with you. But here are 4 things I’ve found helpful in my quest to raise children who are grateful:
1. We Can Make Our Home a Safe Place
“I hope you don’t act this way at school!” Raise your hand if you’ve said it. I have. I used to wonder why my kids would get glowing reports at school, church, and extracurricular activities, and then come home and act like little devils. An older mom once cleared it up for me. “Kristen, isn’t this what you want? You teach them how to act and treat others, and they are doing it where it’s most important. They conform to society’s rules of no touching or talking in the hallway, and when they get home, they just need to let it all out. They feel safe at home—that’s why you see them at their worst.” Well, let me tell you, that was good news for this mom. That’s not to say from that moment on, it was a free-for-all at home. We kept the same structure and rules as we always had, but it helped me understand the difference in the two environments.
I want my home to be a safe place. I want it to be the place they bring their friends and hang out. I want my kids to feel secure enough to confess their struggles and sin and share their successes.
2. We Can Choose Relationship over Rules
My nature is to be a rule follower. Although we’re trying to raise our kids in a grace-filled home, sometimes old habits die hard. It took me a long time to see that rule-following doesn’t always reflect a heart for doing what’s right. When we choose grace over legalism, we are really choosing relationship over rules.
That’s not to say we shouldn’t have rules. I have a long list. But there must be flexibility, too. There will be times when we have to lay aside our rules to save the relationship. For example, early on I made the rule that everyone had to eat everything on their dinner plates every night or else face consequences. I tried to enforce it, but one of my kids has struggled for years with sensory reactions to certain food textures that makes doing what I’ve asked a consistent battle. So instead, I avoid the couple of foods that trigger this kid’s issues and, as a rule, I ask the sensitive eater to try whatever is served because “you just might like it.” And if this kid doesn’t, there is always peanut butter and bread available; I’m not fixing two dinners. (Some of you die-hard “sit there until your dinner is gone, and if you don’t eat it, you’re having it for breakfast” people are cringing right now, I’m sure.) But we’ve found something that works for us, because my way was actually making dinner a nightmare for our family, and it was hurting my relationship with my child.
When our kids push against us, our first reaction is to push back. But many times when they are struggling, they don’t need more discipline—they need more love.
3. We Can Choose to Live in Community
We intentionally spend time with people who want the same results we do. That doesn’t mean it’s perfect or even tidy, but when we let people into our lives and become vulnerable, they are going to see our mess. They will know we don’t have it all together; they will see that we are just like them. Human. We learn better together. Helping our kids connect with believers their age has always been a very high priority for our family. This commitment has been lifesaving in many ways because it has given them positive peer influence in every season.
4. We Can Pray for Our Children
Nothing we do or say can ever substitute for bowing our heads and praying for our children. There have been some really hard days in this journey when I’ve gone to bed burdened for one of my kids and slept fitfully, only to face another conflict the next morning. I have wanted to give up many times. And I have found comfort and peace in only one place—on my knees. There is something deeply spiritual and healing about humbling our bodies and our pride and laying the burden at Jesus’ feet.
Prayer is often the last thing we think of when it comes to difficult parenting days. We reserve it for our desperate moments, when there’s an unexpected diagnosis or rebellion. But God wants to walk this path with us. As a mom, nothing makes me feel less alone or more encouraged than giving my parenting burdens to the One who parents me.
I wrote this post more than a year ago about my friend who wasn’t okay. This weekend I read my own words again as reminder that even though I’m not okay right now–it’s okay. My heart is a mess. I’m tired. I’m trying to figure out how to rest and simultaneously continue… Maybe you need these words too…
I sat on the edge of her bed, and she didn’t even look up. I was visiting a friend who was not okay.
It was more than a bad day, it was a sad season for her.
But I wasn’t deterred from my mission to cheer her up. And I tried everything. I suggested fun activities, reminded her of good times, quoted inspiring Scripture, and offered to play encouraging music.
I got an occasional head nod and a shrug.
As I sat there in silence, I thought back to days when I haven’t been okay. Some days I could name the pain I felt and others I couldn’t. And it’s when I thought of my own pain, I remembered what I needed the most.
So I did what I should have in the first place: I hugged her and whispered in her ear, “It’s okay to not be okay.”
She sighed in relief. Permission to not be okay is sometimes exactly what we need.
We sat in comfortable silence for a long time. I reminded her that God loved these days the best — the ones we can’t fix on our own. Because He is there with us. He doesn’t always change our circumstances, and we don’t always feel something new, but we aren’t alone. Sometimes that’s all we need.
She wiped away a single tear and whispered thank you. By the time I left, I hadn’t done much, but it was enough.
Today, you might not be okay. You might be facing a mountain of sadness or impossibility. You might be walking through a valley of despair. You might not even know why you aren’t okay. You might be looking at a scary diagnosis, experiencing a financial disaster, or struggling with a wayward child.
I’ve experienced all of the above.
These are the moments we do everything we can think of to resolve the struggle in our soul. And life sort of feels like quicksand — the harder we struggle, the deeper we sink. The days seem dark and lonely, and our soul is crushed by the heaviness of despair.
And if I’m perfectly honest with you about how I’m feeling today, I’m not okay either. I’ve been sick for days but beyond a cough and cold, my soul is exhausted. I’m burdened and overwhelmed. I’ve bitten off more than I can chew (Mercy House, opening a retail store, out-of-the-country houseguests, speaking and traveling –all this month) and today, I really miss my oblivious days when my biggest concerns were what to buy at Target and how to decorate for fall.
I see how easy my life is in the eyes of those who live such a hard one. And while I admit that I’ve made my life harder to ease the burden of theirs, I also confess that I am weary in well doing. And today, I’m not okay.
“Laying a life up against the chest of His Word, and hearing the steady beat of His heart, is the only soundtrack that strengthens the human heart.” ~ Ann Voskamp
But only one thing can refresh and renew and save our soul. And that’s the Word. Yet, God’s Word is often the last place we turn. It’s crazy to think a book with words can be the answer, but the Word of God is alive, and it cuts to the broken places and heals what we cannot.
The situation or struggle might not dissolve overnight, but we can find solace and comfort in the words He’s left for us:
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters; He restores my soul. He leads me in right paths for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff– they comfort me. {Psalm 23:2-4}
Today, I’m not okay. I need my soul to rest.
And there’s only one place we can find comfort, and that’s in the quiet space at His feet, where it’s okay to not be okay.
Because one day He will make everything okay.
Pain Is Beauty. Beauty Is Pain
Mar 13, 2017
Today, I walked into the salon on the property of the maternity home, funded through Mercy House Global, where the young moms get an in-depth course in hairdressing and beauty as part of the introductory vocational program. They wore matching pink shirts and professional blue aprons that said as much.
And they brightened at the “customers” (read: my family) who would help them learn on real people.
When they asked what service I wanted, I said a manicure. I left my nails unpolished since this has become a tradition when I visit. Plus, I knew they had just learned to do shellac nails and I was excited to see them in action.
But then the power went out. Because this is Africa.
They started touching my hair and I knew I was in trouble.
When the power didn’t come back on and my stylists pulled out dark brown hair extensions, I was afraid. But I sat down quickly because the chair over, they were experimenting on chemical hair relaxers. I love Jesus and all, but I’m not crazy.
When the girls started braiding the long extension into my bangs, I took a deep breath and gave myself a pep talk for the next two hours.
They say it hurts to be beautiful.
And they are right.
Because, wow. Ouch.
This week, my family is getting an up close look at the most beautiful people in the world. But beautiful people don’t just happen. As the Bob Dylan song goes, “Behind every beautiful thing, there is pain. . . ”
The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ―Elisabeth Kugler-Ross
I cannot even begin to describe the collective horrors these young girls have experienced in their lives. It’s enough to make me weep just knowing. It’s a sorrow I carry and some days I just try to manage their trauma secondhand and I’ve only just heard their stories.
They have lived them and continue to deal with physical and emotional consequences and the effects of their pain. I think that’s why when you ask any one of the girls what their favorite class is, they almost all say salon, second to tailoring and dressmaking.
Yes, these classes introduce them to practical skills that could turn into jobs some day. But I think they love them so much because it’s a chance to feel pretty. And what girl doesn’t love that?
Their young teacher, an orphan herself, just graduated with her certificate in dressmaking and this is her first job teaching. She has less than an 8th grade education, but we saw the beauty in her pain and knew she would be a compassionate teacher. It’s beauty from ashes everywhere I look.
Pain is a part of life. And when we can open our broken hearts to God, He will heal us. Nothing about what we do at home or at Mercy House is perfect. The consequence of pain is still evident in every girl in some way–through actions and attitudes. God uses our pain and suffering–if we let Him– to remind us we are tethered to Heaven and not to earth. And when we press into it, as we have seen these girls do, instead of seeing only pain, we see beauty.
“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. –C.S. Lewis
So, yeah, we’ve all known our fair share of pain in the world (and I’m not just talking about a head full of braids–see below).
But if we look a little closer. We can see it.
Pain in beauty. Beauty in pain.
I mean seriously, have you ever seen a more beautiful sight?
Learn more about our work in Kenya and how we are selling loads of fair trade product every month to help sustain two maternity homes and a new transition home. If you’d like to donate towards our vocational program, there is a need for 6 more sewing machines, some cosmetology equipment and our staff dreams of beginning the process of turning the existing program into one that offers certification.
The Cure If You’re Bored With Your Christian Life
Nov 23, 2016
This isn’t going to be your typical Thanksgiving Week blog post.
But since nothing about the days leading up to Thanksgiving have been average for me, let’s just go with it.
A week ago, a middle eastern man walked into our Mercy House retail store for an appointment he made with my husband and I, set up by friends at church. He works with Syrian and Iraqi refugees who have flooded his country for asylum from ISIS.
As he tried to wrap his mind around fair trade product, economic development, American consumerism and our attempt to redeem it, I could tell his mind was spinning.
Every word out of his mouth was humble as he downplayed the grave risk he takes every day to share the Gospel with Muslims. He doesn’t do it from a pulpit, but he does it by showing up at their makeshift door. Day after day.
He is living a hard life for a good purpose.
As my friend Tara, who runs No.41, a sewing co-op and feeding program for those affected by the genocide says, Because sometimes the Gospel looks like a plate of food and sometimes it looks like a job. But it always looks like showing up.
He lives in relationship with people who have been forced to leave their homes, businesses and family. It’s a sea of refugees, living in temporary homes, in limbo between governments, trapped, not knowing where they will spend the rest of their lives. They have lost everything.
He asked us not to take his picture or share his name because he could be killed since it is illegal to tell people about Jesus in his country.
By the end of the day, as we broke bread together and talked about Living Bread, we were friends. It was holy. This is work, a place, a people group, we long to join hands with and as we said our goodbyes, somehow I knew we would meet again.
Maybe that’s why when our new friend returned with a brown paper sack saying it was a gift for our family, I steadied myself. I slowly opened it and pulled out his personal red patterned keffiyeh. I held up his Arab headdress, smelled the scent of dirt and dust, humbled by a hero of the faith giving his best and I cried like a baby.
I had never felt so alive.
Two days later, I sat in a roomful of non-profit leaders at a gathering hosted by Mercy House. As I listened to another friend, this one a dear Russian friend, a refugee himself, tell his story of faith and the persecution and humiliation he endured because of it, I fought the sobs working their way out of me. His family interrupted our family’s story more than 9 years ago and the fabric of who we are and what we do has flowed from the crossroads of this relationship.
He stood in the rented beach house and told my non-profit friends, who are working in hard places around the world, his story: Imprisoned for his faith again and again. Beaten for the Gospel over and over. Isolated from his underground faith community. Family members kidnapped because he could not, no, would not, stop telling people about Jesus. Escaping to America, losing everything he possessed–his home, cars, business–everything in just 24 hours. He was forced to start over, live by faith, and he chooses every day to risk his safety and comfort to spend the rest of his life telling people about Jesus.
I can’t share his picture because it would endanger his family. But I will share his words to us, to me, to you: “Christians are bored with Christianity and their lives because they are just reading the stories in the Bible. But I don’t want to just hear the stories. I want to live them. I want to be in the epicenter of what God is doing. There are people today–in China, the Middle East, around the world, living the stories of the Bible…right now, at this moment. The cure for boredom requires us to step into spaces that are out of our control.”
And then, he urged us with these counter cultural words that I will never forget, “Do not invest your life on things you can lose in 24 hours.”
As we pause our busy lives this week to give thanks, I urge you, I implore you, I beg you to do a few things:
Give thanks for what you have. Twice this week, I’ve met people who are risking everything they have–even their lives– so that others may have Jesus, someone we take for granted.
Invest your lives in more than the American Dream. In a blink, it can disappear. Spend your life and your money helping people. It’s an eternal investment.
Refuse to live a bored Christian life. Because there are people right now losing their lives because of their Christian life.
My friends around the world are helping me rethink Thanksgiving this year. “Thanks is the new giving.” as Kristine, Director of the global Karama Collection says.
Give some today.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends.
Dear Mom At The End of Her Rope
May 23, 2016
She knocked on my door to drop something off and we both stood there holding more than the burden of heavy packages.
We were mothers and we were hurting for our kids.
She’s a few years ahead of me and even though her nest is empty, we shared the worry lines of motherhood. Instead of babies that wouldn’t nap and worrying over classroom bullies and parties her kids weren’t invited to, it was college internships and first jobs, apartments and young adult loneliness.
“It doesn’t end, Kristen,”she whispered.
I’m learning this truth in the motherhood school of hard knocks.
Motherhood never stays the same–it stretches us, teaches new lessons and drives us to our knees.
It’s been probably the hardest year of parenting I’ve ever endured. Or maybe it’s just because I’m good at forgetting the hard phases that have passed. Or maybe I’m just dramatic. I do know I’ve sworn off writing parenting books because bleeding out what you write leaves you anemic.
I delete emails asking me to come speak and share my parenting wisdom. Writing a parenting book breaks the “expert” in you.
There are no wild rebellions or illegal substances or all the things parents dread knocking at our door. It’s just been a season of heartbreak. Moms break when kids break. And there are a lot of loose shards to step around. I have begged God for joy and peace and wisdom in my nest.
In the depths of despair, I have clung to Jesus for my kids. I have screamed into my pillow and cried in the bathtub at my loss of control. And on those hard days, at my weakest, I’ve heard two words over and over: hold on.
And that’s what I’ve done. Because when you hold onto your Creator with everything you’ve got, you also have to let go of everything else.
I let go of fear and expectations. I let go of regret and doubt.
I held onto Jesus.
And He held onto me.
Then the most miraculous holy thing happened–it wasn’t a slow, unnoticed answer that sometimes happens in parenting when we wake up one day and realize one hard phase has ended and we catch our breath before the next one begins.
No, it was a violent, swift I AM GOD answer to prayer and the rope I’ve been clinging to and dangling from in this challenging season has lowered and for the first time in a very long time, I can feel the ground under my feet.
And now that I’m standing upright, I can see this hard season from another perspective. I can see how far I’ve grown as a mother and mostly a daughter of the King and I can see how much closer my kids have moved to Jesus (which is the goal, right?)
I cherish my children’s private lives and the story they are living as much as you do yours, but know this–I am in awe of what God has done and is doing in the hearts and lives of my kids. I have wept tears of joy and gratitude because I can see His face again.
And I only have two words to the momma reading this with the baby who won’t be put down and the teen that won’t be held and the son who needs medication to sit and the daughter who cannot get out of bed because anxiety keeps her there–HOLD ON.
This parenting thing is hard, holy work. It tears us apart and puts us together again. And as much as we love our children and sacrifice for them and want them to be okay, there is a God who wants it more.
Let go of your kids and give them to Jesus.
It’s the only way to hold onto Him with both hands.
So, momma at the end of her rope, when you don’t know what else to do…hold on.
The Truth About Raising Kids to Go Against the Flow
Mar 02, 2016
She stepped off the school bus and by the look on her face, I could tell it had been a hard day.
She marched through the door, shrugged off her backpack, grabbed my hand and led me to my room. We crawled onto my big bed and it all spilled out.
I heard all about the girl drama on the playground, about the kid who laughed at her math homework grade, and the birthday party she wasn’t invited to.
Third grade can be hard.
And then she got to the heart issue…Mom,I just want to fit in.
Oh, baby. We need to talk.
I don’t know when she started to notice that she doesn’t always fit in. She’s the girl who attended the birthday party, but not the sleepover. She’s the one who doesn’t have a TV in her room, a phone in her pocket or unmonitored Internet in her house.
And while every home is different and what works for some doesn’t for others, sometimes our kids feel different than other kids. And that’s okay.
Because as harsh as it may sound, that’s exactly how I want my daughter to feel because that’s how I’m raising her. Upstream.
I want to fit in. It’s the driving theme behind our culture. People follow the latest fashions, jump on the latest and greatest trends, overextend themselves with things they can’t afford —why? Because our culture craves what everyone else has or is doing. Fitting in offers-although temporary- a sense of belonging.
And this need doesn’t escape our children; no, it starts with them. Kid’s brains are wired for social inclusion. This is the single most important force our kids must contend with: to belong. They want to blend in. It’s a natural phase of growing up.
But if we dare to lead our home against the flow, we will likely raise children who are different. Whether we realize it or not, we’ve asked our children to stand in the raging current of our culture and take one hard step at a time upstream.
And it won’t be easy.
I began to see glimpses of this when my children were very young. Because when your parenting choices don’t match up with what everyone else is doing, people notice. And they often aren’t afraid to point it out to you and other people.
But-hey, we’re grown ups. We can handle it, right?
It’s harder for our kids because we are choosing this journey for them until they can navigate it on their own. Our belief in absolute truth, our choice to follow Jesus, our priorities– are setting our kids on an upstream course. And whether we like it or not, we are raising kids who won’t always fit in with what our culture says is normal.
It shows up in school and at church, in our community and our friend’s homes:
The first time your son asks his friends if they can play a less violent video game.
The first time your daughter chooses a modest dress over a popular trend.
The first time your son is showed pornography on a friend’s phone and walks away.
The first time your daughter stands up to the mean girls.
The first time your child opposes what others are doing is the beginning of a lot of other firsts.
When our kids leave our home, we hope they will stay on course; we’ve done what we can to equip them. If they choose another path, we pray God will redeem it.
In the meantime, most people don’t like turbulent waters because can be scary and uncertain. But they will come and you will survive them.
One of the great things about parenting is we have the gift of hindsight and the wisdom of foresight. We can learn from our mistakes and hopefully help our kids avoid some. We can also look ahead and parent with wisdom and maturity our kids don’t possess yet. They won’t always understand our choices, acknowledge our wisdom and appreciate our difficult decisions. And that’s okay. We decided a long time ago to lead our families with intention. Not everyone will understand every leg of the journey-including our kids.
But stay the course. When the waters get turbulent–and they will–keep your eyes on Jesus. And keep going. Keep loving and serving your family and keep focusing on who we are raising our kids to be. They will notice your dependence on Him.
And it may not be today, but if you lead your family upstream, at some point, your kids will begin to feel its effects.
And when they do, these words are for them:
To Our Upstream Children:
Hey. I know this is hard. I know there are days you want to be like everyone else and just kind of blend in. Sometimes it’s hard being that kid. Nobody wants to feel weird or left out.
I know you want to be normal and fit in, but I’m going to be honest, it’s not really possible. Because when you choose to walk with God, you choose to become like Him and that desire makes you act in a way the the world doesn’t always understand. It makes you different.
And it means the journey won’t be easy. It’s actually really hard and I see that. I see you trying and struggling.
God sees you.
I also see things you can’t see yet…who you’re becoming and how you’re growing into a strong and resilient world changer.
And even though I don’t understand what you’re going through, I want you to know I’m here.
You’re not facing this alone.
I know it hurts. I know you might be mad at me. I know we fight about it, but that’s ok. I can handle it. I’m not going anywhere. I know you need to push back against something that won’t give up or in.
I can’t be with you every moment of the day (this will really bum your teens out), but there is someone who can be. God loves you more than I do. He’s not going anywhere and he loves that you aren’t like everyone else.
Please remember I love you and I’m sorry you’re struggling. I know this journey can be hard, but it’s worth it.
25 Low-Prep Service Projects That Will Teach Kids Gratitude
Feb 18, 2016
I’m happy to welcome my friend, Janel and her practical, down-to-earth ideas as a part of our upstream parenting journey.
I confess to perhaps an excess amount of glee when my sweaty, flush-faced ten-year-old stepped into the kitchen last week, toting two large, discarded bags once filled with cement, but now overflowing with…
What was that?
“I picked up all the trash along the road, Mom!”
And that—despite all my other moments rubber-stamped MOM FAIL—I filed away in my brain as one of God’s little encouragements that at least some things were going right in our parenting. The kids and I had made trips through our neighborhood before together with trash bags in tow (poverty-stricken places can also be quite messy places). But this took things to the next level: both identifying a need, and taking personal ownership of it as his brother’s keeper.
So much of teaching our kids to serve is to impart the eyes of a servant and a heart of humility. Honestly, that’s even more important to me than soccer practice or chess club at this moment in time.
Raising kids who come not to be served but to serve is unquestionably a priority for a lot of us. In honor of Kristen’s sweet new book, Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World, I’ve compiled a can-do list of easy ways for our kids to serve, whether alongside us or all on their own.
Though service does work against the grain of our selfishness, we also want our kids to “catch the bug” of serving, and discover how fulfilling it can be. So create enthusiasm (not false enthusiasm) and occasionally rewards (“Let’s go out for ice cream afterwards!”). Use discernment to think through how much to push your kids, or whether to simply to direct them to a project they naturally enjoy more.
Talk with your kids to discover the causes they’re passionate about, and help them design an activity they could do: a baby clothing drive for the pregnancy center, cooking relief meals for parents performing foster care, finding a missionary kid pen pal, playing a pickup game of basketball with a kid whose parents are in the middle of a divorce…your child’s imagination (um, and your resources) are the limit!
For ideas for kids to work with organizations already making a difference (like making a fleece blanket with Project Linus), click here.
Volunteer as a Sunday school, VBS, or church nursery assistant.
Babysit for a date night for a young couple, a single mom, or a family enduring a rough patch.
Make a meal (or even just a pan of muffins) for a family whose father is deployed, who are sick, have experienced a loss, etc.
Sort baby clothes or other volunteer work for a local pregnancy center.
Sign up for a regular monthly night to serve food and/or lead a devotion at the local rescue mission.
When a neighbor travels, volunteer to water plants or care for a pet.
Shovel snow or rake leaves for the neighbors. Or, if they’re not overly picky about their lawn, when your child mows yours, have them mow the neighbor’s portion too (you might need to have them ask first).
Pick up trash along your street.
Don’t forget service projects for Dad. Honor him with a coupon book the kids think up: Will mow the lawn free, without complaining. Will rake leaves. Will start and scrape the car one cold morning before work. Will make one batch of cookies. Younger kids can do it, too: Will get you one hot or cold beverage, or snack of your choice.
Visit and bring a plate of cookies to an elderly member of your church or family.
Tutor a younger child after school, or play with one who might need some extra love.
When another mom or couple comes over, your child can watch and/or entertain their children while you chat.
Make a cake for someone whose birthday might be overlooked, or for someone celebrating a milestone (a new job, a great report card).
Write notes (you can even make the cards yourself!) for people who could use a little affirmation and/or encouragement. (E-mail works in a pinch!)
Ask your church if there is something you could do for a family who’s having a difficult time right now.
Together, clean the house of someone who might have a difficult time on their own, like the elderly or handicapped.
Hold a car wash, bake sale, lemonade stand, or garage sale to raise funds for a cause you all care about.
Make fun nametags for the doors of a local nursing home, and pop in for conversation with those who don’t get many visitors. You could bring board games, nail polish, lotion to rub hands or feet, or other ideas to pass the time with them.
Visit and/or construct a “care basket” for a kid who’s in the hospital. Alternatively, call (or have your child call) the children’s ward of a local hospital and see what you might be able to do to brighten the days of some sick kids.
When a sibling is having a bad day, put your heads together make a plan to encourage them. (Click here for some fun ideas.)
Your child can write a note or e-mail of appreciation to your pastor, a youth pastor, kids’ ministry personnel, Sunday school teachers, school teachers, and others who pour into his or her life.
Go through your used books, clothing, and toys together, and think of creative places to donate them: the church nursery, a pregnancy center, or simply Goodwill. Talk to your kids about the philosophy of living a simpler life with less stuff, and decide together to give away a few things that are a little difficult.
Adopt a family (without making them feel like a project): Pray and talk together about a family who could use some extra love right now. What will your strategy be? What are their true needs (as opposed to what you guess they might want), and how can you help them in a sustainable way?
Janel has a resume that would impress anyone. We met one day for a couple of hours and it felt like we’d known each other forever. She writes about discovering God’s undeserved, indescribable favor–grace–that has turned her life on its head. She lives in Africa with her family and her writing will inspire you!
God Is Good, Even When Life Isn’t
Feb 10, 2016
Six years ago, I stood in a slum in Africa for the first time in my life.
I saw human suffering face-to-face. I stepped over raw sewage and followed armed bodyguards into hell. I shook with fear. I stood helplessly as gaunt little children pulled at my clothes and begged for food.
I shook my fist in the face of God with hot tears splashing the ground and I asked questions good Christians aren’t supposed to ask.
I doubted and I raged. I sobbed and I regretted.
I came home and before we started Mercy House, I wrote a raw, gut-wrenching story about what I had seen and how I felt about it for a large Christian women’s online site.
And it was rejected…
Along with these words: “Kristen, we love your heart, but the article you submitted is too honest, too messy. If you would like to edit your story so that it is encouraging and tidy, we would love to read it again.”
Every piece of the middle-class, comfortable Christian good girl I had been for the first 37 years of my life had been shattered.
I remember standing in front of the mirror wondering, “Who am I now?”
I don’t always fit neatly into this safe and sanctified Christian world.
I don’t know how to wrap grief and sorrow, disappointment and discouragement up with a pretty bow. I can’t edit what I’ve seen or erase the tragic stories I’ve heard.
So, I’ve stopped trying.
Because life isn’t always good…
Just in the last week, I’ve been reminded of that truth:
Maureen, my heart-daughter in Kenya, messaged me at 4 a.m. to tell me she would have to bury another immediate family member…the 4th one since I’ve known her.
A couple of friends lost jobs.
I’ve heard unthinkable stories of abuse towards oppressed women.
A non-profit leader from India stood in our Mercy House warehouse and told me how he had rescued a 5 year old rape and trafficking victim.
God doesn’t answer every prayer the way we want Him to.
He doesn’t move every mountain when we ask.
He doesn’t heal every sickness in the way we would like.
He doesn’t always part the waters for us to walk through.
He doesn’t answer every cry.
But that doesn’t change a thing. I will trust Him.
Because even when life isn’t good, God is.
He pressed his fingers into the sore of the leper. He felt the tears of the sinful woman who wept. He inclined his ear to the cry of the hungry. He wept at the death of a friend. He stopped his work to tend to the needs of a grieving mother. He doesn’t recoil, run, or retreat at the sight of pain. Just the opposite. He didn’t walk the earth in an insulated bubble or preach from an isolated, germfree, pain-free island. He took his own medicine. He played by his own rules. Trivial irritations of family life? Jesus felt them. Cruel accusations of jealous men? Jesus knew their sting. A seemingly senseless death? Just look at the cross. He exacts nothing from us that he did not experience himself.
Why? Because he is good.” -Max Lucado
It’s been six long and short years since I stood in that hellhole.
I’ve witnessed redemption in unlikely places.
I’ve seen miracles.
I’ve taken off my shoes on holy ground.
Maybe the hell you’re enduring today doesn’t stink like sewage in a slum, but it stinks nonetheless. Hold on, friends. God is near. He is in the middle of this hard, messy, unedited life. His ways don’t always make sense in our limited understanding, but we can trust the Way Maker.
Some days I still ask hard questions. I shake my fist and cry. I stopped searching for that pretty bow to tidy up all these broken pieces a long time ago.
But I know that even when life isn’t good, I can trust that He is.
A Prayer For Hurting Parents
Feb 01, 2016
I was surrounded by the sound of hundreds of worshipers and I was having a hard time even opening my mouth to sing a word.
It had been a rough parenting week and we had fallen prey to the fight-on-the-way-to-church trap. I couldn’t quite shake the memory of my child’s angry words or the way I’d reacted to them. I was disappointed for both of us.
But we put on our smiles and walked into church and I wondered what other families were pretending to be okay, too. Just because you can’t see a parent struggling doesn’t mean they aren’t. As the music played, my nails dug into my palms as I fought tears and fretted about this parenting cycle I keep finding myself in: hurting people hurt people.
An unfamiliar sound broke my self-absorbed inner dialogue and that’s when I noticed the wheelchair parked in the row in front of me. I didn’t recognize the family-a mom and dad and a handicapped daughter. The teen girl was playfully trying to put the mom’s jacket hood over her head. I marveled at the mom’s patience in the distraction, even though she seemed weary.
The daughter started thrashing in her chair and I couldn’t help but notice how her parents served and lovingly tended to her. They quietly and expertly worked to add liquid to her feeding tube and held it in the air while the nourishment flowed into their daughter’s body. And they never stopped singing.
I closed my eyes and let the song wash over me.
You were reaching through the storm Walking on the water Even when I could not see In the middle of it all When I thought You were a thousand miles away Not for a moment did You forsake me Not for a moment did You forsake me
The lyrics found their mark and I opened my watering eyes.
But it wasn’t the words or my own pain that broke the dam within me, it was the way the parents in front me, wheelchair between them, threw their arms into the air and sang the chorus with abandon, in total surrender:
After all You are constant After all You are only good After all You are sovereign Not for a moment will You forsake me
I was so moved by their worship to God it was all I could do not to sob. I didn’t know if they were praising because of what they had been through or praying for what was coming; I didn’t know if they were in the middle of their pain or on the other side of it. But I knew in my gut they hurt for their child. Because that’s what we do.
We hurt for our kids.
My husband stood next to me, wiping his eyes. He had also witnessed the act of love and gave me a knowing look.
The crazy thing about pain is there’s not always tell-tale signs or a measurement stick to judge its depth. Someone can look at my family and think we’ve got it all together on one of our worst days. I wondered at the hard road these parents had walked and the uncertain one ahead. Imagining this family’s journey didn’t change mine, but it was the perspective I needed to praise God when parenting is hard. Especially then. Because there is always something to be grateful for.
I wiped my eyes and thought about some sage parenting advice a friend gave me once, “One minute your kids will make your day and the next they will break your heart. Both are normal and one helps us appreciate the other more.”
I don’t know what kind of parenting day (month or year) you’re having. Maybe your kids are making your day (I hope so. Mine often do!) Or maybe their choices or their situation is sort of breaking your heart. Maybe you’ve got a hurting kid; maybe your hurting child has hurt you or maybe it’s a little of both. Perhaps you’re frantic with worry or fear over this symptom, this situation, this season–this prayer is for you:
God,
Some days are just hard. And I need you. Most people don’t know how badly I’m hurting or maybe the just don’t know what to say. But you see me. You know me.
And you know how hard this is.
When I feel alone, you are here.
When I am scared, you comfort me.
When I am weary, you give me rest.
When my arms are empty, you hold me in your arms.
When the storm is out of control, you tell it to be quiet.
When I am ungrateful, you show me what I have.
When I am hurting, you hurt, too.
You love my children more than I do.
And I trust that you will redeem this hard place.
You are constant.
You are only good.
You are Sovereign.
You never forget about me or forsake me.
Thank you for my children. They are a gift from you.
Amen.
Come to me all who weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
Why I Won’t Give My Kids An Easy Life
Jan 25, 2016
I skipped church last Sunday with one of my kids.
Because sometimes it’s more sacred to sacrifice what you should do for what you need to do.
So, we did something important: we stayed in our pajamas and divided up the secret chocolate stash and we talked.
I think I needed the quiet and space as much as my kid did.
I waited and resisted the urge to fill up the silence.
After some chatting, this came out: “Sometimes I just want to know why you’re so hard on me? Some days everything is hard- school, life, friends, and home.”
It wasn’t an easy thing to hear.
But I couldn’t deny it or make light of the question. Because my child was absolutely right. I am hard on my kids. I expect a lot. I require more than some parents. I am many things to my kids–I love them fiercely, forgive them readily, believe in them wholeheartedly, but I also expect a lot of them.
I could make things easier. I could see all the homework my kids bring home and not ask for their help with dinner. I could give them more money instead of making them work for most of what I give them. I could rush to their side every time they forget something and fix their problems so they don’t struggle. I could sit in an hour carline everyday because they don’t like riding the bus. I could make their life a lot easier.
But if my goal was to make their life easy, I wouldn’t be the mom I’m called to be. It’s my job to prepare my kids for life and the future. And if I turn everything they think is hard into an easier road, I haven’t done either.
I don’t know what life or the future will bring my kids, but I can almost guarantee it won’t always be easy.
There will probably be heartache and struggle and pain mixed with joy, achievement and uncertainty. And even more likely? I won’t be able to protect them from any of it.
Last week, I read this disturbing article about why millennials are getting fired. One of the main reasons is that young adults want their bosses to be their parents. And I think that probably stems from parents who were afraid to be their children’s bosses. The other culprits were blamed on a lack of hard work and a desire to be happy all the time.
And then another article took the Internet by storm from a pediatrician who said, “A parent’s job is to teach children right from wrong, teach them the meaning of life and keep their children safe. In doing that job, you’re going to do a lot of things a child won’t approve of and not understand,” he said. Sometimes, you have to be the bad guy.”
He goes on to say “parents should focus on helping children develop skills such as self-control, humility and conscientiousness, meaning they think of people other than themselves. Those things are the biggest predictors of future success in adulthood, he said, not education or affluence.”
I gave my child sitting across from me a compassionate look because in my heart I want her life to be easy, but in my gut easiest isn’t always best. If I make everything in my children’s childhood easy, what will happen when life gets hard?
Because life will get hard. And some seasons will be harder than they can imagine.
And if I’ve prepared them to dig in their heels when things don’t go their way and develop grit to withstand life’s storm and ultimately helped them to turn to God instead of me, I’ve fulfilled my calling as their mother.
And that’s why I won’t give my kids an easy life.
Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World
Dec 31, 2015
Every spring we go to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. It’s not only a big deal around these parts; it’s the biggest indoor rodeo in the United States. A couple of years ago, we decided it was high time our three growing kids got their first pair of cowboy boots. You might call it a rite of passage for children in Texas. We budgeted for the rodeo even more than usual, planning to purchase boots there because we knew there would be plenty to choose from as well as special deals that would save us money.
On the hour trip downtown, one of my kids complained about the seat arrangements in the van, the heat, and the very air siblings dared to breathe. I corrected said child, and I was half tempted to squash the dream of boots, leaving this one scuffling along in tennis shoes, but after a quick apology was received, grace won out.
We headed straight to the Justin Boots booth and helped all three of our kids try on and choose boots that (1) they loved and (2) we could afford—which was a feat in and of itself because my kids can be picky and boots are expensive. But we accomplished our goal in under an hour and spent the rest of the day in new boots—looking at animals, watching roping events, and eating large amounts of food that probably shouldn’t be fried. (I’m looking at you, bacon and Oreos.)
On the way home, the same child’s bad attitude surfaced again, this time about not getting to do something at the rodeo. It wasn’t just whining, the result of a tiring day; it was ingratitude and entitlement. Complaints and warnings fired in rapid succession between the backseat and the front. The day had been a splurge from the beginning, but it wasn’t appreciated. But mostly, it wasn’t enough. Even after grace put a nice pair of boots on the kid’s feet.
Halfway home, in the middle of the tense ride with an unrepentant boot wearer in the backseat, my husband said, “That’s it. When we get home, I want you to pack your boots back in the box. I’ll see if we can’t return them.”
This nearly broke my Texas heart, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
It saddened me to hear the tears, the begging, the promises. Then the question, “Why can’t you show me grace?”
“Buying you the boots in the first place was grace,” I said.
Once we were home, we put the boxed boots on a high shelf and said, “If you want the boots, you’ll have to work for them.” He pointed to the huge mulched areas in the front and back yards. “You have three days to pull every weed. I won’t remind you; it’s up to you. This job will pay for your boots. This time you’re going to earn them.”
And that was that.
The rodeo happens in early March, usually before we have a chance to clean up winter’s effect on our yard. My gaze followed my husband’s pointing finger to the weedy mulch beds, and my heart sank. It was going to be a lot of work. Lo, the weeds were many.
My husband is kind and loving and a lot nicer than I am most days. But I could tell by the firmness in his voice and the tilt of his chin that he was serious. This was serious. The mounting ingratitude that had been an issue for weeks had to be addressed. I wanted to high-five him and sob at the same time.
I wondered what our child would choose.
My heart soared a little while later when I heard the front door click. I looked out the window and saw my kid wearing old clothes, bent down in the wet mulch. It had started to rain.
For the next two days, I watched from that window. A little proud, a little brokenhearted, but with every pulled weed, I knew the hard work was making for a softer heart.
When we handed back the boots after hearing a meaningful apology, I knew we had all won. “You earned these,” he said. “I won’t take them away again.”
The boots meant twice as much.
It will go down as the infamous boot story. It was the day we generously bought our kids cowboy boots. It was the same day we took them away. It definitely wasn’t the first day my kids acted unthankful—and there have been many times since. But it was a day we called out entitlement in our home and waged war against it. It was the day we reestablished the fact that we wanted to raise grateful kids more than anything else.
Here are some things we are doing to try and live counter-culturally:
We Are Asking for Hard Work– I think many kids in our culture (my own included) don’t know much about hard work. A few weeks ago, we spent most of the day in the yard. And the more my kids complained, the more I realized how much we had neglected giving them hard, dirty work. We are changing that. (Phil 2:14-15)
We Are Sticking to Consequences-If we suggest a consequence, we commit to seeing it through as often as we can. I’ve come up with some stupid consequences in my day and have regretted my rash tongue. But something clicks in our kid when they understand we are serious about some things.
We Are Limiting Media-Media specifically targets our children to want a lot of stuff they don’t need. We have a TV and computers and devices, but besides filtering them, we turn them off. My kids still complain about it, which reinforces exactly why it’s important.
We Are Exposing Them to the World– When you’re only looking and thinking about yourself, you can only see what you want. But when you remove the blinders and see needs around you and in the world, it alters your perspective. Exposing our kids to other cultures and how most of the world really lives, stirs up gratitude like nothing else.
We Are Extending Grace and Leading by Example-Living by a bunch of strict rules and do’s and don’ts isn’t the answer. Being flexible with your own rules is not only necessary, it’s healthy for your family. When I compare and complain, I’m leading by example. When I am thankful and gracious, they are watching. It’s important to admit when we are wrong and ask for forgiveness when we hurt our kids.
We Are Raising them to Be Different– I Peter 2:11 Our society has low expectations of kids. We expect toddlers to get what they want and teens to be rebellious. Instead of helping our kids fit in every area of their lives, we are encouraging them to go against the flow, reminding them we’re supposed to be different than the world.
We Are Relying on God- Parenting is a hard job. And honestly, there are so many days, we don’t know what to do. Our kids belong to God. He loves them more than we do. He wants to guide us down the hard roads.
10 Things Our Kids Don’t Need This Christmas
Nov 30, 2015
I already feel it–the pressure.
Just a peek on social media and I feel like I’m chasing the holidays and I’m falling behind and it’s not even December 1. Maybe you feel it, too?
It’s not just all the busyness and festivities of the pending season, it’s the understanding that it’s up to parents to make Christmas perfect for our kids.
We are supposed to make it magical. The best Christmas ever.
I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing perfect about my life. It’s messy. There are unexpected bills and difficult decisions and challenging relationships, crockpot dinners and there is a lot of hard work. Christmas is for the broken, the needy, the hopeless. It’s for people like me and you. And the message we give our children about this holy season isn’t found under a tree, it’s discovered on it.
It’s easy to hear what our culture is telling us our kids need–but let’s talk about what they don’t need wrapped up this holiday season:
10 Things Our Kids Don’t Need This Holiday Season:
1. A Free Pass | It’s okay to expect our kids to contribute this Christmas–to help cook and clean, bake and wrap and to work extra jobs around the house or the neighborhood to help buy gifts for family members and friends. If they aren’t old enough to rake leaves or babysit, create a job jar with suggested ideas. They will feel good about what they give if we don’t give them a free pass.
2. An Elaborate Advent |.If you haven’t thought twice about Advent activities with your kids, you’re in good company. It’s overwhelming getting dinner on the table, much less planning 24 kid-friendly moments that are worthy of preparing little hearts for the coming of Jesus. Talk about pressure. My Advent Rule: Try something. Anything. Read one Scripture. Light one candle. Pray one prayer. Direct one heart to Him.
3. A Pin-worthy Holiday Season | I try not to even look at Pinterest this time of year. Oh, I love it, but sometimes, all the perfection makes me feel pretty pathetic. Our kids don’t need perfect cookies, they just need us to bake with them. They don’t need us to make their holidays look like someone else’s, they just need us.
4. Everything They Ask For | A couple of years ago, a friend told me she just didn’t know how she was going to get everything on her child’s Christmas wish list. When I said, “You don’t have to,” she looked shocked and little relieved. Kids will usually take everything we give them. But that doesn’t mean we should give them everything they want.
5. Our Guilt | There’s a lot of guilt (and depression) this time of year. Our kids have been fed the lie they can have and deserve everything they ask for and when we can’t or won’t give it, we might feel guilty. There’s no room for guilt this time of year. Giving your best and doing your best has very little to do with things.
6. Stuff They Don’t Need | Fun stocking stuffers never hurt anyone, but filling our home with the latest fads and trends only sets a precedence for more fads and trends. Years ago, we missed the beauty of Christmas Eve trying to hunt down that hard-to-find toy that ended up going unappreciated. It only ends when we let it
7. Stuff We Can’t Afford | 1 in 3 people will go into debt this Christmas. Paying off presents that have been long discarded months after the holidays isn’t fun for anyone. Let’s give our kids more than this.
8. For Christmas to Be All About Them | There’s nothing like Christmas with kids–their wonder and joy. But we can’t make it all about them. Some of our favorite memories involve giving Christmas away– sneaking gifts on a single mom’s porch, shopping for children who won’t have much, giving gifts that cost us something….these are the best moments.
9. A Glossed Over Christmas Story | The frenzy of December–the tree and lights and gifts, the parties and food and celebration overshadow the true Christmas story..the one that started in a smelly stable, with an exhausted girl and a dirty birth. One that would change the world and our our lives. This humble, imperfect place is the heart of Christmas and it’s a story our kids need to hear.
10. Christmas Wrapped Up in a Tidy Bow | Let’s embrace the imperfections of the season this year–the unfulfilled wish lists, the unwanted gifts, the unhappy moments. These are the opportunities to point our kids to the truth of the season and to the One who will make all things perfect.
Three Things I Need to Say To the Wives Who’s Husbands Are Struggling With Porn
Nov 09, 2015
I know.
Click away as fast as you can, right? Nobody wants to read this kind of post.
Heck, I don’t want to write it.
But for years, I’ve been inundated with emails and phone calls, private FB messages from hurting wives. These are our sisters, our friends, women we sit across from at Bible study: Women who need to talk, who need to know they aren’t alone.
And sometimes, we find out those women are us.
There are new emails, fresh wounds, brokenhearted sisters in my inbox, on my phone every single week. I sat down face-to-face with two just last week.
And with the Internet in our back pocket and available all the time, everywhere, it shouldn’t be surprising. Then I read that the latest research tells us that pornography is a problem in more than 40% of Christian homes and I realize this addiction and entrapment is affecting nearly half of everyone I know. Half of the church. Many of my friends.
So, yeah, I don’t want to talk about it anymore than you do, but we can’t pretend it doesn’t affect us or someone we know.
The first thing I tell women in email and in person is I’m not a counselor. I can’t solve your problems, fix your marriage, or offer you life changing advice. But I can listen. I can nod my head, grab your hand, and I can pray. I also want them to know they aren’t alone. Not only have countless other wives walked this hard road, God is right in the middle of our pain.
But there are three more things I want wives who find themselves in this difficult place to know:
Freedom is between he and God | My world fell apart ten years ago when my husband confessed his struggle with pornography. I was completely unaware of his private battle and when he laid his burden at my feet, he was relieved, but the weight of his confession nearly crushed me. And as if that wasn’t enough, I immediately blamed myself. If only I’d…, Maybe I could have…With some very good counseling, I begin to understand that my husband’s battle had very little to do with me. It was between he and God. I also discovered that we couldn’t repair or rebuild our marriage unless his relationship with God was more important than his one with me. Pray for your husband’s brokenness. Pray that he wants freedom from sin more than he wants anything else. Because you can build an amazing marriage on that foundation.
Forgiveness is between you and God | I encouraged and supported my husband, but I had my own private hell to endure. My heart was broken. I lived in the middle of forgiving my husband and hating him. Forgiveness isn’t for them; it’s for us. It’s an intentional and voluntary release of fear and hate and heartbreak. It’s a letting go. And no matter what happens in our marriages, forgiveness is between us and God.
Fight for both as long as you can | I was my husband’s biggest cheerleader for freedom. He was mine for forgiveness. There weren’t any guarantees we would make our way back to each other. We were both on our own broken roads. Some men don’t find freedom. Some women don’t stay. Sometimes it’s the other way around. But whether you flee or follow, forgiveness is something you can’t leave behind.
Parenting is Hard. Especially When You’re Doing It Right.
Sep 28, 2015
This is so hard.
I shut our bedroom door and my husband pulled me close. I tried not to cry.
We had just had a parenting night from hell.
Can I say that here?
Because if you’re a parent, you might just know what I’m talking about.
There was yelling and tears. Hard conversations, hurt feelings, consequences and the symphony of slammed doors.
In less than half an hour and three conversations, we had made three kids angry and unhappy because we are just that good.
Parenting is not for wimps.
If it isn’t hard, maybe we aren’t doing it right? my husband said quietly in my ear.
I let his words sink in. Because too often I believe the lie that says if we were doing this parenting thing right, we wouldn’t fight or disagree or battle over opinions and attitudes. We wouldn’t hurt each other. We would be normal. We would do this better.
And to be honest, parenting would be a lot easier if we didn’t care so much. If we didn’t try so hard. If we didn’t love so fiercely. It would be so much easier not to try and raise grateful kids who put others first, who honor our rules, who strive for purity and holiness, who openly share struggles and failures, who do not give up and choose to follow Christ.
Parenting kids upstream in a downstream world is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
We try to juggle grace and expectations and some nights all the balls come tumbling down.
But just because the road gets bumpy doesn’t mean we are off course. Actually, the right road is bumpy. The correct path does have obstacles and setbacks. The parenting journey is broken and beautiful at the same time.
We both sat on the end of the bed licking our wounds like we’d just waged war. And in a lot of ways we had.
Good parents fight for (and sometimes) with their kids.
Good parents make mistakes and apologize.
Good parents go-against-the-flow even when it would be so much easier to not say what needs to be said or enforce or follow through with what needs to be done.
Good parents cry. And doubt. And wonder. And pray.
Good parents offer grace when it’s least expected and needed the most.
Good parents remind themselves that this too shall pass.
Good parents look hard trials in the face and know they are doing something right.
Good parents recognize even good kids have bad days.
So, don’t give up, Mom. Don’t stop trying, Dad.
Yes, parenting is hard.
Especially when we’re doing it right.
18 Things That Are Hard to Explain to Third-World Friends
Sep 23, 2015
There’s nothing more fun than experiencing something new with someone for the first time -like catching your first fish, eating your first American burger, or driving by your first cul-de-sac mansion.
Seeing your life and culture through the eyes of someone else is eye opening.
It’s wild how it changes the way you see your life and gives you a completely new perspective.
It’s the kind of perspective that makes you pause and really take a look at what you need and what you want and what you have and the difference between all three.
It’s the kind of perspective that reminds you to compare your life to those with less instead of those with more.
It’s the kind of perspective that interrupts your life.
In the last few weeks, I’ve found that some things are harder to explain than others:
Halloween (scary decor, decorated yards and costumed adults in public)- What can I say? I don’t even really understand this.
Free drink refills- “How many times can I refill my cup?” “What happens if I refill it 17 times?” “Are you sure this is free?” A conversation we’ve had every time we’ve gone out.
Savings accounts and disposable income-It’s hard to imagine having enough extra money to put it away when there’s always someone you know who doesn’t have enough to eat for the day.
Storage units- “You mean Americans have so much stuff they have to rent another building besides their house to keep it in?”
More emergency vet clinics than emergency rooms for people. (I will throw in explaining Petsmart just for kicks)
Mega churches with mega buildings, campuses, stores (you get the point).
Garage Sales-So, people sell what they don’t want or need any more and then they buy more?
Complaining about terrible, horrible no-good days (in which no one dies)
Costumes for pets (See #1)
Hobbies-Lesiure time and extracurricular activities for kids (that you pay for)
30 minute meals-It takes hours to sort, soak and boil beans and when you finish cleaning up one meal you start on another.
Bikes for the whole family (or scooters or cars).
Freedom to own or use a gun.
Nursing homes-Paying others to care for your family is something many cultures don’t do.
$5 cups of coffee
Racism.
Dishwashers-Well, first you wash the dishes, before you wash the dishes…
The baby equipment aisle at Target.
Learning how others live might just show us how we live, too.
The Inconvenient and Uncomfortable Truth of the Gospel
Sep 16, 2015
You’ve seen the refugee crisis in the news.
The pictures, the video footage, the heartbreaking stories. You’ve read about the unthinkable choices, the danger, the suffering. And if you’re like me, you’ve found them hard to ignore.
It’s a helpless feeling–wanting to do something right here, right now, but not knowing how to help or even what to do. I get it because I feel it, too.
I feel the same urge to act when I read about what Planned Parenthood does with babies or when I hear about a teen girl who chooses survival prostitution because she really has no choice or mothers who offer their child dirt cookies to stop the hungry stomach pangs.
I don’t have a solution to solve all these issues; most are too complicated for me to understand. I’m not political and I don’t have the expertise or experience to offer sound answers on borders and boundaries or the persuasive ability to turn the pro abortion tide or enough money to give hopeless girls and mothers options.
But that doesn’t mean we don’t do anything. That’s not an option.
“Whatever you do will not be enough, but it matters enormously that you do it.” Gandhi
No, I don’t know always know what to do, but I do know I don’t want to stick my head in the sand, pull my family close and say just because it’s not happening to us, means it’s not happening.
I don’t want to turn away from the cry of the hurting.
I don’t want fear to govern what I do or don’t do.
I don’t want to be like the Christians that decided to sing louder to drown out the cries of the Jews stuffed into a cargo train passing by the church on their way to a concentration camp.
I don’t want to only surround myself with people like me because it’s safe and comfortable. I want to teach a hindu woman how to crochet, I want to meet a buddhist refugee at the airport. I want to be friends with people who don’t agree with me, who have a different color skin, serve different gods, who choose an abortion or a homosexual lifestyle.
I want to fill my life with people who need Jesus. Because I have Him and I want to share Him.
I was surprised by the amount of people who are questioning helping refugees because they might be Muslim. There is a danger in only wanting to help people who are like us. Christians aren’t just called to help Christians, we are called to help those who have a need, and maybe when we lend a cup in Jesus’ name, their need might be met and they might meet Him, too.
I can’t help but think of how Jesus stepped into crowds of people who were nothing like him. He sought out those who were unloved, unworthy and unsafe.
And the crazy thing is people walked miles in the desert sun to hear the inconvenient truth of The Son. Everything about the Gospel is uncomfortable. It is unattractive. Unappealing. Jesus asks us to risk our lives for it.
Maureen and her husband Oliver, who run Rehema House (the Kenyan partner to Mercy House) are staying in our home this month. It is Oliver’s first time in America and it’s humbling to introduce our great comfortable country to someone who has never been here or is new to comfort. When he saw our kitchen faucet that also detaches as a sprayer, he said, “This place is like Heaven.” It’s a convenience I’ve never even stopped to consider.
And when we stopped into one of the largest church’s in our town, his eyes grew wide at the enormous buildings, coffee shop and restaurant, bookstore and the huge children’s indoor playground. He paused to read the bulletin boards offering yoga classes, soccer teams and half a dozen other fun activities. And his question pierced me deeply, “Does this church preach the same Jesus?”
Because we’re so comfortable it’s hard for this Kenyan man who lived in a slum less than two year ago, sometimes wondering where his next meal would come from, to recognize the One who said it’s better to lose your life than find it.
When we look closely at the hard sayings of Jesus, He doesn’t say protect yourself. He says deny yourself. He doesn’t say get comfortable because this road is easy; He asks us to give up what we have. He doesn’t say love those who are like us, He tells us to love our enemies.
He doesn’t tell us to build this great, comfortable life filled with ease because we deserve the American dream. He doesn’t tell us to do what is easy, He says take up your instrument of torture (cross) and follow me.
God’s goal isn’t our comfort or convenience. It’s His glory and He often has to get us uncomfortable and inconvenienced to reveal it.
When God Makes Us Uncomfortable (It’s Often To Bring Others Comfort )
Jul 27, 2015
My husband spent 11 years in a job he sometimes hated.
During those long years, we constantly reminded ourselves to choose joy! to be grateful! to love what we’d be given!
But working to live instead of living to work can be draining.
Especially when you dream of doing something that matters.
We had countless conversations about his sweet spot–that place where passions and skills collide (you know, once we crossed Nascar Driver off the list.) The same words surfaced again and again in our long talks–words like helping people, traveling, discipleship, serving others. We had a big picture dream without a map to get there.
But he kept on doing the last thing God told him to. . . which brings us back to that job.
I’ve always marveled at my husband’s patience. Because his faithful and often unfulfilling work all those years not only provided for our family, but created space for me to pursue life-giving work through writing that resulted in starting Mercy House.
Sometimes it’s hard to see where the road is leading. But God still leads us into the unknown.
God rarely does things the way we think he should.
While we’re waiting to do something important, God is doing something important in us.
He is refining us. He is making us uncomfortable. Dependent. He is revealing His strength in our weakness.
It’s a truth that’s hard to grasp in the middle of the waiting. But it’s truth our heart needs to hear.
Most of Jesus’ life was spent doing what he wasn’t sent to do. He was preparing Himself. And if Jesus needed time to prepare, we do, too.
Story after story in the Bible reminds us how God impositioned his people, only to position them. He made Joseph uncomfortable in a prison to position him on a throne. He made Daniel lion’s food, only to proclaim His glory in the fire. He made Esther prepare her body and heart to be queen, only to position her to save an oppressed people.
And He will do the same with you.
Because it very well might be that the job you hate or the one you can’t find is part of His great plan for your life. He may just use your discomfort to comfort others.
God often impositions us in our work, our health, our lives because he is preparing us to position us to reveal His glory.
I will never forget the day, my husband and I said the words outloud, the dreaming kind that make your heart pound. “What if somehow God made a way for me to quit my job and lead Mercy House?” I cried at his audacity because the weight of the burden was crushing me. We asked it and then we waited a long time for the answer.
It came nearly a year ago, when my husband left his well-paying, tenured position to travel, disciple, and help people in our work to remind women around the world God has not forgotten them.
Don’t think for a minute He has forgotten you either.
We can see now that all those years of being uncomfortable were making a way for us to comfort women around the world.
That uncomfortable place you’re in today? Offer it to Him. Ask God to use it for the comfort of others, for His glory.
He doesn’t waste anything. Even our discomfort.
The Christian Parent Manifesto
Jul 08, 2015
We walked into church and my daughter grabbed my arm and whispered, “Why is it so crowded?” I looked around and she was right, every seat was filled.
“This is what happens when Christians think the world is ending,” I whispered back.
“Mom!” she said as we found our seat.
I wasn’t sure she even understand my sarcasm. It was the week of the Supreme Court decision when I wrote about love instead of fear. On the way home from church, I told my kids about the packed-out churched the Sunday after the 9/11 attack and explained that people often look to the church when they are unsure of where our world is headed or if they are afraid.
We talk a lot about cultural norms and shifts in our home because I want to teach my kids God’s standard of right and wrong, especially when issues become hot topics in our society. Because I know for a fact that their peers will be talking about what they are reading online and I’ve always wanted my kids to compare what they hear with what they’ve been taught in God’s Word, so they will know His standard in contrast to the world’s.
“Should we be afraid?” one of my kids piped up from the backseat.
We are living in uncertain times and what used to be unthinkable is now daily headlines. When I read about nearly 100 children being executed in the Middle East by ISIS lunatics because they refused to fast, I couldn’t help but want to protect my children from the evil in this world.
I understand that teaching absolute truth that sometimes contradicts cultural norms could be making life a little more challenging for them. And if the evil that is targeting Christians in the Middle East ever found its way here . . .honestly, the thought terrifies me.
But perfect love casts out fear, so we are just going to love people and hold onto Jesus.
I woke up in the middle of the night burdened for our world and these challenging times when truth becomes a battleground; hate is louder than love and children have become targets of an evil enemy. I am not a doomsday crier, but it doesn’t take a genius to recognize that our world has become more violent, darker and more uncertain in the past few years. I wrote this manifesto as a reminder of what I want to teach my children about following Jesus in uncertain times:
The Christian Parent Manifesto
This world is not our final home.
Because of this, we won’t always fit in, and actually, we should strive not to conform to the world.
The Bible is our standard for holiness and guides our everyday living.
Truth may shift in our culture, but we look to God’s Word as our standard.
There will be people who choose to live differently than we do. This doesn’t affect, change or alter how we treat them.
We love people no matter what.
There are scary things in this world, but we can hold fast to the peace of God.
His peace comforts us when we don’t understand things around us.
God is in control and He sees all and knows all.
One day, He will return for us.
This is our blessed hope.
Until that day, we will stand for what we believe is right.
We will serve others who cannot serve themselves.
We will speak up for those who have been muffled by oppression and poverty.
I don’t always know how to navigate this changing culture as a Christian parent.
But this is a good guide:
“Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love him with all that’s in you, love him with all you’ve got! Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.” Deut. 6:5-7
For The Momma of the Strong-Willed Child
May 27, 2015
She made a beeline for me at the girls night out.
“You said your daughters are strong-willed, right?” she got right to the point.
We found a corner of the room and I waited. She had a lot to say about her precious and precocious two year old, her first daughter.
“She screams no! She throws herself onto the floor when she doesn’t get her way. I can’t go anywhere with her. My sons never once acted like this and I don’t know what to do.”
I listened and smiled and nodded my head because I understood. Sometimes the best way to encourage one another is to remind each other This is normal. And This shall pass. And You’re not alone.
I mean, it’s happening in The Oval Office. CNN is talking about tantrums, y’all. (And I thought my son’s library meltdown of 2006 was epic).
You will survive this hard place.
And most importantly, One day, You will thank God for it.
My own strong-willed girl walked up in the middle of our conversation and my friend said, “Look at your daughter. She loves Jesus. She’s amazing and she isn’t out of control.”
“Not in public anyway,” my daughter quipped and wandered off.
We laughed. Because I’ve learned strong-willed toddlers grow up to be strong-willed teens.
And that’s more than okay. It’s actually a blessing and I wouldn’t change it if I could. Even when saying no means tempers flare or make the meanest mom. I’ll take it.
I pulled my friend close and I said these words, “Listen, I know these strong-willed children are challenging. They push our buttons, they make us question our parenting. We cry and hit our knees. But they are used by God to transform us. They show us our humanity, our weakness and mostly how much we need Jesus.
“We want our determined, fierce kids to stand up first to us so someday they can stand up against the world.”
I thought of my own strong-willed girls who have stood against most of my food and friend and fashion suggestions for years, only to see them stand up for faith in the face of a culture that lacks it.
The beauty of strong-willed children is that they are strong.
They will try and lead and manipulate us; starve and dress themselves and win every argument. Their determination will embarrass and thrill us all in the same day.
We will beg and barter and bribe. We will question every move we make and cringe at every fit. But we will remember that their fierce determination is channeled into velvet strength and these kids who won’t give up their will, also will not give in.
Yes, they chase hard after what they want, but they also chase hard after what’s right.
So, listen close, mom, and be encouraged. That little one will change the world.
But first, she will change you.
A Letter to My Teenaged Son
May 13, 2015
The week before you were born I had my first pedicure. It was a Mother’s Day gift from your Dad.
I didn’t have to see my feet to know they were terribly swollen.
I begged my doctor to induce me early–not because I was miserable, although yes. But mostly because I wanted to meet you.
You are my only son.
And in that one heavy statement- you have already met and exceeded every joy I thought might come with being a boy Mom.
Except for the dirt. There’s been a lot of that.
The years have been short and you become a teenager this week and with that comes a little more freedom, a lot more responsibility and big lump in your momma’s throat. Thirteen years old. I can’t keep the pantry stocked or your pants long enough. I can’t keep the girls from taking a second look at your lean body and adorable grin and I can’t keep you from flying away.
When I asked you to kiss me on the cheek for a Mother’s Day picture, you blushed and laughed and said, “I don’t really know how to kiss.” I think I will hold onto that moment forever (and try not to bring it up when you show up with a girlfriend on the doorstep in a few years).
You are changing daily. You keep more to yourself. You are quiet where you used to be loud. Your wit is razor sharp. You are growing into a man in front of me and there are some (more) things I need to tell you.
Son, there’s a part of me that would keep you young and innocent forever. But that would be selfish. Healthy things grow and you’ve got the growing up part down. The world is a difficult place to navigate, but now that you are a teenager, I have to start letting you try.
I want you to always:
Choose people over technology.
Understand that 6 out of 10 of your classmates will look up porn on the Internet to learn about sex. Don’t be a statistic. As hard as it may be, ask us.
Know there will be times you don’t like me very much. But I’m your mom and you have to get over it.
Remember when a pretty girl whispers she loves you one day that your momma loves you more.
Say you’re sorry when you need to.
Be quick to forgive and slow to anger.
Choose kindness before popularity.
Understand that girls you may be tempted to look at are somebody’s daughter or sister.
Remember social media is a powerful weapon or resource. Your choice. Use it wisely.
Know that ownership is not a right; it’s a privilege. This means your future phone and car and well, everything, is actually mine and your dad’s and we are letting you borrow it.
Have an escape plan for when you feel tempted. Joseph ran from Potipher’s wife and that’s always a good place to start.
Serve other people before you serve yourself.
Be cautious when sending a text message, a picture or replying to one that you wouldn’t want me or your Dad to receive.
Remember you can always tell your Dad and I anything. Everything. Always.
Wait for sex. Some days it will be hard. Other days harder. But wait for it. God has an order and when we stick to His plan, there is a lot of peace and fulfillment. When we get things out of order we end up carry a lot of extra baggage.
Know that God is with you every moment–in joy, in sorrow, in love and life and death.
Extend grace and forgiveness. Especially to yourself.
I love you,
Mom
Because Sometimes Being the Meanest Mom Might Also Make You Mother of the Year
May 01, 2015
The viral video of the Baltimore mother in bright yellow beating the hell out of her rioting teenaged son in the middle of the street.
She’s being called “mother of the year” by some and abusive by others.
And whether you’re cheering her on after watching the video or wanting to call child protective services, I’d bet a dollar her son has called her the “meanest mom in the world” before their very public moment.
Listen. I’ve been called it for much less.
If you’ve ever told your child no to protect or provide for them, followed through on a consequence with your teenager, or refused to give into their demands, you probably have the battle scars that come with the Meanest Mom title, too. If they are too young to say it, just wait.
I love my kids and my kids love me. But they have tried to manipulate situations, move my resistance, maneuver their way around the truth and mistake my compassion for weakness.
Motherhood is not for wimps.
When my kids think I’m at my meanest, they are really seeing my fierce love for them. They just don’t recognize it for that.
When I was 16 years old, I misjudged the time and realized I was going to miss my curfew. This was long before cell phones and so I did what any other new driver would do, I sped. Just as the policeman was pulling me over a few blocks from home, my parents showed up.
I’ll never forget their words, “We will take it from here, Officer.”
They didn’t think twice about marching my butt home and if there had been a TV camera, they probably would have waved.
I was never late again.
(I’m about to sign my daughter up for driver’s education and Hey, Mom and Dad–I totally get it.)
Life teaches hard lessons. And if we let our kids learn them, they might just learn from them. Sure, we can protect our kids from consequences, but should we? They might just miss the lesson if we rush to make everything okay. Maybe they will think twice before they make the same mistake again.
I go toe-to-toe regularly with my kids. And it’s not because I like a good fight.
It’s because of love.
These are some of the non-negotiables in our house that earn me the Mean Mom title. They are of course, sandwiched in loved, bathed in grace and taught consistently (most of the time):
1. Lose it or break it and it’s lost or broken. (We might help you with it, but if you expect it, we definitely won’t).
2. Our family goes to church. You will go, too.
3. People who live in our house, do chores.
4. We apologize when we hurt people.
5. Your email, pictures and Internet history will be looked at by your parents. (Remember we agreed to this when you received access?)
6. If you don’t take care of your stuff, you can’t borrow mine.
7. If you want something, save your money.
8. Sometimes you have to fail at something to later succeed at it. (This is why I quit reminding my kids to do their homework, check on that missing paper, turn in that extra credit, etc)
9. Eventually, you will run out of clean clothes if you don’t do your laundry.
10. If I go out of my way to help you and you’re rude, the next time you ask for my help, I will say no.
11. We will always forgive each other, no matter what. Love conquers all of the above.
Does this list make me a mean mom? Probably.
Life has a funny way of teaching the best lessons–if we let it. Sometimes the very best lessons are in the consequences.
I hope one day my kids will look beyond the words and rules, and they will understand the deep, abiding love for them that sometimes makes me seem mean.
I know I did.
And who knows, they may even see a glimpse of Mother of the Year.
The One Thing You Can Do for Your Kid Who Sabotages Family Time
Mar 30, 2015
We sat around the dinner table finishing up our tacos, shredded lettuce and cheese scattered about.
“Okay, everyone, finish up and I’ll pass out the Bibles,” my husband said.
For years now, we’ve made an attempt to Break Bread after we’ve consumed it. Its been the optimal time for our family to connect, read a devotion or Scripture or two for a few minutes. Dinner is one of the only times during the day we are all together, mostly still and quiet.
I’ve said this several times, but it’s my favorite time of the day with my family.
Unless one of our children tries to sabotage it.
Distracting. Irritating. Complaining. Whining. You name it.
While I don’t think there’s a calculated conspiracy or evil plan to sabotage, once I realized it was happening regularly, I acknowledged one of our kids had gotten really good at disrupting or all-together ending this intentional family time.
One night, I watched it unfold and I was frustrated. Not only because my kids all knew better, but because it was defeating. This cycle of trying and failing.
Maybe you have a kid like this too? Passionate. Strong. Determined. A Leader in the Rough.
It might happen at dinner or in the car, on vacation, while at school….
Big emotions all the time.
As my husband attempted to read, I watched my strong-willed kid make faces at siblings, maybe hoping to be sent upstairs… I thought about how well this child leads, when given a chance. I thought of one of our trips overseas, where complaining and griping threatened to ruin the day.. So, we handed over the maps and guides and said, “Okay, you be in charge. Lead us.” It turned out to be a brilliant parental move.
We still have those occasionally.
A plan begin to formulate.
The next night at dinner I made my move, “Honey, would you mind if we did something different tonight?” I asked Terrell to hand the Bible to our determined child. “I like the way you read aloud (entirely true). Would you read to us tonight?”
Sure.
With character voices and inflection and without distraction, we had a wonderful devotion and family time.
We repeated it the following night. And the next.
I was amazed at how pleasant and peaceful it was and there may have been a high five or two between my husband and I.
Honestly, my first reaction is to threaten and dole out consequences when the rules are bent or broken and it works well with a couple of my kids. But we can’t parent all our children exactly the same when they are obviously different. Over time, I’ve learned that the child acting out the most probably needs more love than consequences. More time than separation. More of me. And that strong-willed child needs a strong parent to let go of control.
So, instead of banishing your disrupting or disobedient child or punishing them for annoying behavior, let them lead.
You may just be surprised where it takes you.
God Can Redeem Anything.
Jan 22, 2015
We sat in a circle and we waited.
She cleared her throat and began telling her story, looking over at her husband as he nodded in support.
I was 15 and in high school. I made mistakes. I got pregnant. It was so hard and I felt very alone.
I leaned in because I wanted to hear the whole story.
She told of the absent teen father, how her parents did the hard work of mostly raising her baby so she could finish school.
When her child was 5 years old, she got married.
To the father of her baby.
He cleared his throat, “God redeemed me.”
I looked at this family and all I could see was redemption and restoration as I sat in their beautiful home. I couldn’t see the scars of wrong choices or missteps as clearly as I could the hope. Their son is now a teenager and other children have come and by this point, tears have pooled on the Bible in my lap.
And all I can think about is the young teen moms we seek to help on the other side of the world. Their situations are different, but brokenness is brokenness.
And redemption is redemption.
I tuck my friends’ story in my heart for the rainy days ahead.
A couple of weeks later I’m on the phone with someone I don’t know. She is dreaming of starting something like Mercy House. These calls come more often these days and I can’t help but smile at another audacious yes. But then she said something that made my heart stop,”You’ve made this look so easy and you haven’t had many problems.” And I know right then and there I have failed. I jot down a note to send her my book so she will know some of the unknown.
I think over the past four years of 19 pregnant teens and 19 babies and there are more problems than I can count. Problems I haven’t shared. Problems that would shock over and over again. Maybe I was trying to protect the moms we help, the babies who shouldn’t have been born or maybe I was just trying to protect myself. Maybe I was trying to keep this yes from looking like a failure.
Maybe I should have told you of the young mom who brought a tangible evil presence with her into the home and left in the middle of the night. Or about the young mom we loved, but after trying everything to ease the post traumatic stress she’d suffered during a gang rape, we had to send her back home because she was violent and continually threatened the safety of everyone in the home. Maybe you should know about the mom we have desperately loved, who was just about finished with the 3 year program in Kenya, the one who made us proud, only to end up pregnant. Again.
I hung up the phone with the lady and I wanted to bury my head on my desk. Because the problems people can’t see are overwhelming.
I thought about the parenting book I’m in the middle of writing and the ugly words one of my kids yelled at me earlier that morning, “I hate my life.” Not exactly what I was planning on calling the next chapter. Nobody likes failure. But that’s exactly what I felt like-a failure, an impostor.
I’ve always believed God uses failure as much as success to reveal Himself and bring redemption. But who wants failure? I don’t want to live it and even more I don’t want you to see it. The unfinished, ugly stories of unbelievable pain are uncomfortable. There isn’t a happy ending to some of our stories yet and there may never be until Heaven.
A few minutes after that phone call, Maureen, who runs the Kenya-side of things, asked if we could talk. I hold my breath. She doesn’t always bring bad news, but it comes often enough, usually on the heels of a new rescue or new babies or new victory. There’s nothing simple or easy or clean about stepping into the pit of Hell and taking girls from the grips of the enemy.
After some small talk, she started off the conversation with this question, “How do you know if we’ve been successful?”
I give her the same answer I’ve told anyone who has asked the past few years, “That first baby born made us a success. We’ve had 18 more now.” I could tell she was discouraged and so I reminded her,”Maureen, what we are doing is an act of obedience. He asks us to say yes, the results are up to Him.”
In tears, she says, “I’m glad you said that because I have to tell you something.” And then I learn of a devastating decision by one of our new graduated 18 year old moms. And I can’t see the screen for the tears and my platitudes are empty and I wonder at our audacity and I question our resolve. This is what it must feel like to watch the kids you’ve sacrificed for and loved deeply leave your home and make bad choices and you can do nothing to stop them.
We’ve come to the point in the conversation where there aren’t words to fix the problems and we both know this battle is unseen and we must wage it on our knees.
My husband and I sat on the edge of our bed and cried. “God, why did you ask us to do this? It is too hard. We are too weak.”
I swiped away tears in time to get my kids off the bus until I can find a moment alone and grieve, which happened to be 30 minutes in my car during my daughter’s flute lesson.
The words hammered in my chest: God can redeem anything.God can redeem anything? Can you really, God? Even this? God can redeem anything. He will redeem everything.
We don’t talk about the anything very often. We don’t reveal the depth of our pain, the problems we face, the uncertainty. People think I know what I’m doing because it all looks neat and easy and maybe that’s what I’ve shown them.
I’m letting you into my weakness today because I’m a bigger failure if I don’t.
My daughter returned to the car and asked if I’d been crying. “No,” I whispered as a silent tear fell. She awkwardly patted my back and said, “It will be okay, Mom. It will be okay. We have God.”
That night, I am back in my friends’ living room. Their family picture smiles down at me. And I thank God for their story. For the redemption and restoration in front of me.
Maybe you’re grieving a yes or regretting a no. Maybe you feel hopeless or hopeful. Maybe this feels like the end and you really just want to began again.
I don’t know what mountain you’re facing today.
But I know God can redeem anything.
We might not see it overnight or in our lifetime, but He promises to work it out for His good.
Pregnancy, bankruptcy, rape, marriage, diagnosis, adoption, unemployment, rebellious kids, abortion, a cross-country move, divorce, failure, addiction, mistakes, even death.
He will redeem even this.
24 Lessons I Want To Teach My Daughter (Before She Leaves Home)
Jan 12, 2015
I sat straight up in bed in the middle of the night, heart pounding.
“What is it, honey?” my husband asked groggily.
“Do you think she knows not to call boys? Have I told her that yet?” I asked.
He sighed.
It’s hard letting your daughter turn 15.
I remember being 15 years old. I think I cried every day that year, always trying to figure out how I fit in a one-size fits-all world.
She is more woman than girl now and she longs for independence and understanding. I’m learning to give her a little of both. She is strong—the change-the-world-kind.
Three years. That’s all I have left with my daughter at home. I long to teach her so many truths. Even though I know life is a great teacher and she’s got my stubborn streak. Yeah.
Last week at church, I watched a mom hug her 30 year old daughter goodbye as she and her family prepare to be missionaries in Africa. I cried seeing the look of pride and brokenness on the mother’s face. I don’t know where life will take my daughter, but I’m holding on a little tighter and learning to let go a little more every day.
And I’m making a list of the lessons I want to teach her (or continue to) before she leaves home:
Less is more–less makeup, less skin, less perfume, less selfies
There is a difference between being alone and being lonely: Life can be lonely, but you are never alone because God.
It’s okay to be alone.
One good friend is better than 10 who just like your new shoes.
If in doubt, always wash your clothes in cold water.
Failure is often a better teacher than success. Even though we usually prefer one over the other.
Don’t pursue a guy. If he’s into you, you’ll know. You don’t have to call or chase or change who you are. Just wait. The right one will come (you know, when you’re much older).
You are (skinnier) than you think (prettier, taller, ____ fill in the blank). Embrace your looks. It’s a great way to say thanks to God. Looks aren’t everything, so don’t make everything about the way you look.
Always carry a little cash in your purse.
Make your bed. You’ll wake up one day and want your kids too (ask me).
Compounding interest.
People are more important than things. Always.
Laugh at yourself.
There’s nothing shameful about pausing or quitting a career to become a mom.
A boyfriend doesn’t make you something you’re not.
Save more than you spend.
Procrastination always catches up with you.
Serving and giving to others feels immensely better than serving and giving to yourself.
This life is temporary. God is eternal (remember that on a hard day).
Don’t wish away time. It’s a gift.
Don’t waste your money on glamour and beauty magazines that tell you what you’re not.
Be grateful for everything.
Believe this: you were created to do something that matters. Don’t waste your life on things that don’t.
No matter how far you travel away from me, I will always, always be closer than you think.
What Really Happens When We Give Kids Everything They Want
Dec 30, 2014
“I want it.
Why?
Because everyone else has it.”
It’s a conversation we’ve had countless times in our house. It doesn’t matter what it’s about–the newest technology, the latest fad, the most popular shoes- it’s treacherous ground to add it to our want list so we can be like everyone else.
These five dangerous words are turning homes upside down. When we give our children everything they want (because everyone else has it), it speeds up their childhood: We have six year olds addicted to technology, carrying around their own ipods and iphones without limitations; eleven year old sons playing bloody battles of Assassin’s Creed over the Internet with strangers instead of playing ball outside; And 13 year old daughters shopping at Victoria’s Secret, wearing angel wings across their bums, looking far older than they are.
But worse than losing a generation of children, this choice breeds a nasty virus. Because maybe if we keep giving them everything they want, they might just drive a new car intoxicated and kill four people and be diagnosed with affluenza.
The psychologist testifying for the 16 year old boy who did just that, defined affluenza as this: children who have a sense of entitlement, are irresponsible, and make excuses for poor behavior because parents have not set proper boundaries.
“I am an RN working on a psych unit, and I see everyday the effects of entitlement. I see adults in their 20′s and 30′s who always had everything they ever wanted given to them while growing up, and now they just don’t get it. They are unemployed, either living with parents or with one friend or relative after another, or on the street. Having been given everything they ever wanted without working for it while growing up, they don’t feel that they should work for anything now. They were raised to think they could do no wrong, but instead of growing up to have high self-esteem, they have grown up unable to function. They cannot take disappointment of any kind. So we have a generation of kids that don’t want to work and can’t function as adults. Because they have no coping skills of any kind to deal with life, they become depressed and often turn to drugs and/or alcohol to feel better. Then, they end up on our unit, depressed, suicidal, and addicted,” a comment on this post.
Why are we saying yes to our children too early, too soon and pulling in the boundaries? I’m not sure, but I think it starts here:
We don’t understand the future implications of giving them everything they want right now
We want them to have the life we didn’t
We are afraid to tell our children no because we know there will be backlash or because we think they will feel loved if we say yes.
We want them to fit in with their peers because it’s hard to be different.
To conquer the affluenza virus, though, one must first recognize it within himself and ask why and from where it comes. Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you frequently buy things you do not really need?
When shopping, are you unable to control how much you spend?
Do you envy the lifestyles of the rich and famous?
Do you feel bad when your neighbors have things you do not?
Do you measure yourself by what others have?
Do you ever use shopping as a means of escape?
Do you use your possessions to impress others?
Do you compare your possessions with what your peers have? If so, do you experience a feeling of superiority that yours are better?
Do you speak often about the things you want?
Do you find yourself complaining about the things you want but cannot afford?
Do you think of spending your money more often than saving it?
Do you often think your life would be more complete if you had more money and possessions?
“Jesus, speaking to the people, he went on, “Take care! Protect yourself against the least bit of greed. Life is not defined by what you have, even when you have a lot.” Luke 12:15
So what’s the cure?
Maybe it starts with the little word no. We aren’t going to buy, get, do that just because others are. It’s okay to want things, but there’s a big difference in getting something because you love it and getting it because you want to be loved.
Maybe it starts with deciding why you do what you do. Don’t let the culture lead your family. Because it certainly will. I heard this week the most popular word among teens in 2013 was twerking. Do we really want society guiding our children?
Maybe it starts with reality–no, not everyone has, does, gets ____ (fill in the blank). We’ve discovered other people who don’t have ____(fill in the blank), but we’ve had to look for them and pray them into our lives. The world will tell you (and your kids) you’re completely alone. But that’s a lie. There are other families swimming upstream against our society and affluenza.
Maybe it starts with a dab of old fashioned failure (I love what this teacher said below).
“Some parents don’t wish their kids to fail. I admit I want my children to. I want them to fail, so they can learn how to get back up. I want them to not get every gift they want on their Christmas list, so they can appreciate what they have and work for what they don’t. Lastly I hope all of them get at least one or two teachers they hate. That way they will learn that in the real world, they will have to work with people (and bosses) they may not like,” a teacher who left a comment on this post.
Maybe it starts with exposing them to how the majority of the world lives. Affluenza is a first world problem. Hunger is a real world problem. Give them an opportunity to serve others.
Hebrews 13:5 “Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I really don’t think our kids want the latest technology or the hottest name brand as much as they want something else. Oh, they think they do. And they will beg and plead (and drive us crazy) for it. But deep down, they are hungry for something deeper that satisfies and lasts a lot longer than just stuff. Giving them firm boundaries, love and perspective is exactly what we can offer them.
This week, I’m reposting some of my most shared blog posts of 2014 with you. Thanks for being a part of this community. I can’t wait to see what 2015 brings!
Memorable Gifts Kids Won’t Forget
Dec 16, 2014
I’ll never forget the Christmas we gave too many gifts.
My kids were around 4 and 6 years old and it was like a marathon of toy-opening and we needed water breaks to get thru it.
I’m not even kidding.
Most of the gifts were sale or clearance items I’d bought all year and tucked away. It was the season of my life I refer to as “Quantity not Quality.” It was all about more–more for me, more for them. It left us with a lot of stuff, including emptiness.
As I encouraged my weary kids to continue unwrapping that day, I looked around the room with torn paper and too many toys and I felt guilty.
From that point on, I decided to do Christmas differently-to make it about more with less. Since then, we’ve limited Christmas to a handful of gifts. This might not be right for all families-I know some who do no gifts and some who do twenty, some who give what’s needed, while other offer what’s wanted. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way, but I do think an intentional Christmas is a memorable one.
That’s why we try and include a non-toy or experience gift.
Experience gifts come in all shapes and sizes-like music lessons or a special date with dad or a membership of some kind.
In the past, we’ve given musical instruments, day trips and memberships.
My oldest daughter is a flute player, loves music and would rather be marching in a band than doing just about anything else. She’s getting tickets to see the best marching band in the country who will be touring our town this summer.
My son loves archery and he’s getting a lesson from an Olympian along with a membership to Elite Access (that was given to us to review). Elite Access is a members-only online portal for athletes, coaches and parents featuring Olympians and World Champions who are sharing their secrets to success. This new resource was started by my friend Laura Wilkinson, gold medal Olympic diver and World Champion. (She let me wear her medal once). If you have an athlete, I highly recommend checking it out.
If you haven’t completed your shopping list, consider thinking outside of the box and instead of adding more stuff under the tree, give your kids something that will last a lot longer-an experience they will remember.
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Here are some great ideas:
60 gift ideas (that don’t add more stuff to your lives)
A Letter to My Children on My 20th Wedding Anniversary
Dec 15, 2014
Hi Kids,
This week your dad and I are celebrating 20 years of marriage and I need to tell you a few important things.
First of all, twenty years.
Your dad married me two days before my 22nd birthday. It was the best birthday of my life.
He surprised me on our wedding day and sang to me and we’ve been making music together since.
(Yeah, this officially makes us old. And gross. Keep reading.)
You know how as musicians you play a piece over and over again, until you get it right? And sometimes even with all the practice and perseverance, you don’t play it perfectly, but you still make music? And then sometimes, you play it and the sound fills the room and you know you’ve nailed it?
That’s what marriage is like.
It’s a lot of hard work, it takes a lot of practice, a lot of redoing and fine tuning. There are missed notes and off days mixed with magical moments and beautiful melodies. And if you ask an accomplished musician if they’ve ever played a piece perfectly, they answer no. But they keep playing.
A good marriage isn’t about one bad day or one good one. It’s about not quitting on either.
Your dad and I have had both. You’ve seen some good and bad and there are stories of freedom and forgiveness we will tell you when you’re ready.
A good marriage is about looking for the small gifts that we don’t always see.
Like when your dad got home in the middle of the night recently from his out-of-state trip. It wasn’t because of a delayed flight, it was because he stopped to help a man in the parking lot jump his car. I used to get angry about things like this–arriving home late, making dinner wait, but when I really look past the small inconveniences, I see the big heart of a good man, always looking for ways to help other people.
Daughters, this is the kind of man I married.
And it’s the kind I pray for in your future.
I pray you’re the kind of wife who counts the good your husband does more than you count the bad.
I pray you’re the kind of wife that says I’m sorry first.
I pray you’re the kind of wife who asks Jesus for help.
Because that’s the kind of wife I want to be.
Son, since you were a little boy, you’ve been trying on your dad’s shoes. Keep following his steps.
I pray you’re the kind of husband who makes your wife laugh until her sides ache.
I pray you’re the kind of husband who whispers over your wife in prayer when she’s asleep.
I pray you’re the kind of husband who will love God more than anything else.
I pray you’re the kind of husband who will bring sweet tea on sour days.
Because that’s the kind of dad you have.
I pray you know deep, abiding love. I pray you are each other’s favorite people. I pray you are good forgivers when you drive each other crazy and believe in each other when you can’t believe in yourself.
I pray you have half of what we have.
Most of all, I pray you keep God in the middle to draw you closer to each other. I pray you keep Him above you to remind you that life is a breath and to look for the gift in every day. Because He can take the bad days and hard moments and turn them into beautiful years.
And one day when you look back, it will sound a lot like music.
Love,
Mom
What The Poor Really Want For Christmas
Dec 08, 2014
“Okay, help me pick a family,” I told my kids as we stood at the table at the back of the church and looked over the spreadsheets. Each one had several names and ages of children, with their shirt and shoe sizes listed. Next to each name was a single toy suggestion for Christmas. It’s our church’s annual version of an Angel Tree for needy children in our community.
As we looked over the families to “sponsor,” I could hear my youngest read the items on the list. Barbie doll, she whispered, and with her finger she moved to the next name, Music CD.
“Mom, is this all they will get for Christmas?” she asked.
I could tell she was trying to understand need in her world of more than enough.
We finally chose 3 kids near the ages of mine who loved music. Three kids just like mine.
This time of year, there are so many opportunities to give something to someone in need. And I’m first in line. Angel Tree-yes; Food Pantry-count us in; Fair trade gifts that employ women, you bet, dropping of secret Santa gifts to a needy family-wouldn’t miss it.
What better way to remind my kids–and myself–how much we have than by teaching them to share with those who have less?
Perspective changes Christmas. It not only shows us the needs of others, it shows us our need.
And with her finger pointing to a girl’s name, just about her age, she asked, “Is this all she wants for Christmas?”
“No, honey. She wants much more than what’s on that list. She and millions like her want one thing for Christmas:
They want to be remembered.”
We live in a culture that lives in excess. We have so much and we want so much more. It’s so easy to get sucked in and think everyone lives the way we do: Everyone spends money decorating their homes, everyone bakes 8 varieties of holiday cookies, everyone gets the best cyber deals and everyone has the opportunity to make Christmas magical for their kids.
And it’s easy to forget those who don’t live like “everyone” else.
I love traditions and magical moments as much as the next person and I don’t think we should necessarily forego or forget these special holiday moments. But at the same time, we must remember the poor. When we hang our stockings with care, we must not forget those hanging on by a thread. When we bake and eat treats and sweets, we must not forget those with empty stomachs. When we light up our tree and our house, we must not forget those who live in darkness.
And if we look around us, we will see the poor in our communities and across the globe.
This is real balanced living.
If we were all made rich alike, if God had given us all abundance, we should never know the value of his mercies, but he puts the poor side by side with us, to make their trials, like a dark shadow, set forth the brightness which he is pleased to give to us in temporal matters,” Spurgeon said.
Because do you know what really happens when we take care of someone who cannot take care of themselves?
We see the face of God.
When we spend our lives remembering the poor, they aren’t the only ones who receive a gift.
“Whoever gives to the poor will not want.” -Proverbs 28:27
Challenge: From now until Christmas, buy in twos (one for your family, one for another). Give and give a little more. You won’t be sorry.
This is Christmas.
An Advent Roundup
Nov 20, 2014
I’ll never forget eight December’s ago when I had my youngest child seven weeks early.
Gifts weren’t bought or wrapped, stockings weren’t hung with care.
I wasn’t prepared.
That year changed Christmas for me. Most of my adult life, I had overdone Christmas-bought too many gifts, spent too much money, focused on the temporal and not the eternal. But that year, I had to let so much go and focus all my energy and strength on what really mattered.
Christmas has never been the same. It’s the year we prayed for a miracle and got it. It’s the year we gave and received the Greatest Gift. It’s the year we finally understood Advent.
Advent is a special time in December. With all the commercialism, busy activities and full calendars, it’s the best way to keep Christ in Christmas. Advent is preparing our hearts for Christmas.
There are so many way to celebrate this time with your family. We’ve done it well, we’ve done it hurried. We’ve skipped days and some years, we haven’t missed one. And some years, we’ve laughed, cried and fought our way to Dec. 25. The point is we try.
There’s still plenty of time to prepare for a memorable Advent season with your family. Here are some of our favorite resources (there are a couple of affiliate links in this post):
Every year no matter how else we count down to Christmas, we always set out our beautiful wooden wreath and light our candles and move the small wooden Holy family through the layers of the wreath until they are home. I love this tradition (even though my kids usually fight over who gets to light the candles or I catch them dipping their fingers in the wax.) It’s a beautiful tradition. It also comes with an extra wooden ring and a wooden Jesus carrying the cross to countdown the Lenten season to Easter.
I’m a big fan of this little ebook for preschool to elementary-aged kids. It’s affordable, easy to download and fun to complete with your kids. You get 24 days of Scripture reading, ornament crafts, talking points and extension activities. Plus fun printables and templates!
Christmas is about tradition. I can’t wait to walk through Ann’s newest book with my family. This book is a gorgeous heirloom to pass down with vivid, full-color illustrations, downloadable ornaments, questions and answers to engage your family and moving scenes from the Bible, this book is a gift your whole family can unwrap each day leading up to Christmas.
For years, I have kept one of Dayspring’s tabletop Advent devotionals on the table. Because let’s face it: the best laid plans during a busy Christmas season can get lost in the hustle and bustle. Each day has a short Scripture and thoughtful reminder to keep Jesus in the season. And if you order it soon, you can get it FREE with any $50 purchase at Dayspring with code: PREPARE50 (P.S. Dayspring just added 8 more favorite items to their rock bottom Early Black Friday Markdown Items).
5. Kindness Elf: Daily Countdown in Action
I’m excited to introduce this idea to my youngest this year. We’ve never done the Elf on the Shelf, but I like this twist that suggests a daily practical reminder to be kind to others. Our Kindness Elf (I just got a little stuffed one) will show up at the door on Dec. 1 with a letter to remember that Christmas is about Jesus and for others. Each day the elf (I’ve roped my two older kids into managing this) will have a kindness suggestion like “Make cookies for the postman” or “Write your sponsored child a letter.” I think it will be fun and will keep the focus on what matters.
Dear World: Let’s Stop Giving Our Crap to the Poor
Oct 14, 2014
I was getting ready to leave for a trip to Kenya a couple of years ago, when a church emailed and asked if Mercy House had any specific needs. I quickly responded and told them I wanted to give Maureen, our Kenyan Director, an iPhone, so we could communicate during (almost weekly) power outages. I told them if they would buy one instead, we could use the money for other needed items.
On the church’s Facebook feed a few days later, I saw an appeal that said something like, “We want to support a ministry with a used iPhone. If you have an old one you can donate, please let us know.”
I was given an older iPhone a week later. On the ground in Kenya, I realized it wouldn’t hold a charge for more than 10 minutes. The phone was junk.
So, when I left Kenya, I gave Maureen my used one that worked.
The church contacted me after the trip and asked how Maureen liked her new phone? I told them it was useless and said, “Don’t worry about it. I gave her mine.”
“Oh, we feel badly, please let us replace your phone! We want to buy you a brand new one, an upgrade. You deserve it,” I told them I used my husband’s upgrade and already had a replacement phone. “Ok. Instead we would like to write you a $500 check for the inconvenience.”
Give it to Maureen, I said.
And they did.
While the church tried to make it right, I was bothered by the fact they were more than willing to buy me a new phone I didn’t need. I have noticed this mentality permeates the Church as a whole: The poor will be happy with our leftovers. They don’t know any better. They live in Africa or Honduras, they don’t need the latest technology or the best brands like we do. They will appreciate anything we give because something is more than nothing.
Why do we give others-often those in service to the poor or the poor themselves-something we wouldn’t keep or give ourselves?
Somehow collecting clothes for immigrants has become the perfect opportunity to get rid of stuff we don’t want and gathering baby items for new moms is the perfect excuse to toss out stained and worn clothing we wouldn’t dare use again. I’ve packed suitcases with beautiful donations, but mostly I’ve pilfered through piles of junk donated in the name of Jesus.
It’s time to stop giving our crap to the poor.
There’s nothing wrong with used or second-hand. It’s often my first and favorite choice. Many organizations and ministries depend on used gifts. But if we give used, it should be our best. I’m not saying when we clean out older clothes or toys or things we don’t use any longer and donate them–that this is wrong. I am saying if we give it away, it should be something we would use ourselves.
The poor may not have wealth, but they have dignity. I’ve met people without electricity or running water who swept their dirt floors daily, pressed their clothes neatly, walked miles to work on muddy roads, dodging sewage and never had a speck of dirt on them. They value their own worth, we should too.
I’ll never forget meeting a woman in Africa who supported her large family by reselling used clothes from America. But when she held up clothes to show me what was for sale– clothes Americans had donated in clothing drives–they were tattered and stained. I was embarrassed.
Her best depended on our worst.
Just because our donation feels like we are helping, in reality, we could be hurting. Bales of used clothes are sold to African countries for resell and they end up flooding the market and often put local textile businesses and seamstresses out of business.
It’s time to think about not only what we give and how we give it, but also why we give it. Just because it makes us feel better (and cleans out our garage at the same time), doesn’t mean it’s the best for those in need. Perhaps we should look a little deeper into our hearts and wallets when we can say, I don’t have money to give to the poor, but I have a lot of stuff. Maybe we need to buy less stuff, so we have more to give?
“We’re not giving what we’re called to give, unless that giving affects how we live — affects what we put on our plate and where we make our home and hang our hat and what kind of threads we’ve got to have on our back. Surplus Giving is the leftover you can afford to give; Sacrificial Giving is the love gift that changes how you live — because the love of Christ has changed you. God doesn’t want your leftovers. God wants your love overtures, your first-overs, because He is your first love.” -Ann Voskamp
There have been times over the years, I’ve gasped and grinned at the beautiful items I’ve sorted and packed for the impoverished. When we give our best, we are living our best. We are saying with our donation, you are valuable. We are whispering with our gift, you are worthy of the best. We have the opportunity to speak self worth when we give generously.
It’s a promise for them.
It’s a promise for us.
“Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.”- Proverbs 19:17
The next time we have the opportunity to share what we have with someone who is in need. let’s give from the pile we want to keep, not from the one we want to throw out.
What We Eat On Mondays and Why It Matters
Oct 06, 2014
We eat the same meal at home on Monday nights for dinner.
We aren’t in a rut. It’s not gourmet and there aren’t any secret ingredients.
We are being intentional.
Most of the world doesn’t have the luxury of having a pantry and refrigerator full of food with dozens of options. Meat is for the wealthy and fruit is a delicacy.
What better way to remind our kids how much we have than through their bellies?
We eat rice and beans every Monday, so we can remember how the rest of the world lives and eats.
Sometimes the best way to introduce a different perspective is by doing something different. And then repeating it often.
Recipe:
Cook brown rice, lightly salt, add fresh cilantro
Top with generous amount of black beans, seasoned with cumin.
Add fresh avocado.
It’s what we eat on Mondays. And it matters.
Raising Daughters in a World that Devalues Them: 7 Things We Must Tell Them
Oct 02, 2014
I took my daughter shopping one night over Spring Break. It’s flip flop and shorts weather down here in Texas about 10 months out of the year, not to mention my girl gets taller every minute. She passed me up months ago.
Shopping with my teenager should be fun. And mostly it is, except for the actual clothes-shopping-part. It’s so hard to find modest clothes. My teen doesn’t even ask for the shorty shorts any more, even though it’s challenging to find anything but in the stores.
“Why do they do it, Mom? Why do so many stores sell such immodest clothes for girls?” She was frustrated. It was a question I didn’t know how to answer. I think about how girls are viewed in this world and in return, how they view themselves. How do I tell my 13 year old daughter that sex sells? But I do tell her. She’s a smart girl and notices that some stores sell padded bikini bathing suit tops to 8 year olds.
It’s time for moms to be offended and stand up to giant stores like Victoria’s Secret and the way they sell sex to our daughters. Their new tween brand is called, “Bright Young Things,” and includes lace black cheeksters with the word “Wild” emblazoned on it, green and white polka-dot hipsters screen printed with “Feeling Lucky?” and a lace trim thong with the words, “Call me” on the front. Source.
“Our country is replete with an unprecedented number of young girls suffering from eating disorders and body mutilation, while pushing the limits of sexual promiscuity. Is this racy underwear modeled by unrealistically thin girls really the best that we have to offer our girls? In this age when female sex trafficking is becoming a wide-spread crisis, reaching into the depths of our inner cities, is it really responsible for Victoria’s Secret to entice our impressionable young girls with this “come hither” message?
Underwear that reads, “Call me” does nothing but cheapen a girl’s self-esteem while exacerbating the objectification of her God-given femininity. Our children are being objectified by retailers who see them as nothing more than a path to increased profits.”-Amy Gerwing
We live in a world that hates girls.
Too harsh? I don’t think so. Globally, did you know that more than 200 million girls in our world have been aborted or abandoned in what is being called a “gendercide?” Many who survive, face neglect, violence and most likely sex trafficking. We might feel detached from this epidemic on this side of the world, but we aren’t. The Super Bowl is the biggest day for sex trafficking in the world and most major cities including the one closest to me, is a hub for young girls to be sold into sex slavery.
Coupled with the pornography industry, when you consider every second, 28,258 Internet users are viewing nude images of somebody’s daughter, it’s more than disturbing. Source
Yesterday I read about a young girl who was raped. She was just six years old. I’ve heard of horror stories like these thru our work at Mercy House, but this wasn’t in distant Africa. It was in our county, 20-something miles away. I have an innocent six year old and I am sickened by the crime against this child.
And as if all that isn’t enough to turn a momma gray, the surge of aggressive girls taking the initiative with guys at a very young age, trying to lure them into sexual activity has increased dramatically :
What in the world is happening?
What is going on in the hearts of some young girls that causes them to be so assertive? I think there are several reasons for what we are seeing: (from Family Life)
First, the culture is supporting it. Movies, television shows, commercials, magazines, books … they all glamorize sex and intimacy and the right of young women to go after whatever it is they think will make them happy.
Second, we have a whole generation of young men who are confused in their own sexual identity. Are they supposed to be sensitive or aggressive? Leaders or helpers? Many young men today are not being taught how to treat a young lady with nobility, dignity, and respect. Many are growing up without a father or male figure to provide guidance. As a result, some of these young men have no idea how they should expect to be treated by a real young lady.
Third, the breakdown of the family has resulted in a whole generation of daughters who have been abandoned. And in the absence of a healthy, emotional attachment to their fathers and mothers, they’re trying to fill their emotional gas tanks with the opposite sex.
Finally, there’s little or no preparation for adolescence occurring among parents of preteens or early teens. This may be the core problem. When you ask parents of preteens how many of them would like their children to have the same experience they had in adolescence, there aren’t many hands that go up. But those same parents often become increasingly detached as their children move into the adolescent years.
Seven Things We Must Tell Our Daughters:
You are Valuable:: She needs to know she is important and so valued that you will protect her with rules and boundaries because you love her. There is safety and comfort within those restrictions, even when she pushes against them.
Your Worth Isn’t Based on Your Appearance:: She needs to be told she is beautiful–not because she’s wearing a sassy outfit or new lipgloss–her worth is not found in her appearance, the opinions of others or herself. She is beautiful because she was created in the image of God. Her appearance has little to do with true beauty and her worth isn’t wrapped up in looking good or being perfect.
You Don’t Need a Guy:: She needs to hear starting at a young age (but it’s never too late to start telling her). She needs to be told a boy doesn’t complete her, God does. Chasing or enticing or wanting a guy doesn’t make her attractive and it doesn’t make her a woman. The only guy she needs in her life for a long time is her Dad or a father figure until God brings her a husband if that’s His plan.
You Are Amazing:: Our daughters need to hear we are proud of them. She is enough. Tell her out of all the girls in the world, you’d always choose her. Sadly, she will be tempted to spend a lot of time in life trying to prove her value to others. Create an atmosphere where she is loved, just like she is.
You Don’t Have to Believe What You Hear:: She needs to hear your affirming voice in her head. Because there will be mean girls in her life, peers with pressure and adults in her world who will let her down and have low expectations of her. She needs to hear the opposite at home, your voice will lead her to Him and she’ll know who to listen to.
You Have Me:: No matter what happens in life, the ups and downs that will come her way, the losses and gains, our daughters must know we are there for them. She needs to know she can talk to you about anything. Anytime. More importantly, we can show her Jesus.
You Can Change the World:: She needs to know she can dream big and can accomplish whatever she wishes. She can do so with God by her side and she doesn’t need a boy or society to make it happen. She can be anything she want to be with your help. Stand by her, with her and watch her fly.
I’m raising two daughters in this world and my heart cries for Jesus to rescue us all. But until He does, I can’t always protect or shield them, so I will tell them the truth. I can’t change (all this) in the world, but I can prepare them for it.
“Our daughters are precious, intrinsically valuable and deserve better — they deserve to be cherished and protected.” -Amy Gerwing
edited repost from the archives
What We Need to Say to the Mean Girls
Sep 22, 2014
“I asked my friend if she would fold me a fortune teller out of paper like she did for the other girls,” my daughter told me after school.
“But she said she only makes them for her prettiest friends,” she said and her lip quivered.
That girl is not your friend, I whispered in her ear.
It’s my second time to have a second grade daughter and this isn’t our first rodeo with mean girls. But that doesn’t make it any easier.
I hugged my little girl and reminded her that not only was she beautiful on the outside, she was on the inside, too–where it really mattered.
“What did you say to her?” I asked, trying not to show my anger.
Nothing. She said. I turned away from her.
Sometimes the best thing to say to a mean girl is just that–Nothing. It speaks volumes.
Like most 7 year old girls, mine is obsessed with cheerleading, much to her older (band member) siblings dismay. “This will pass, right mom?”
She’s never been a cheerleader, never really performed a cheer, but that doesn’t stop her from joining the other second grade girls from cheering for the boys playing football at recess. We are the Texas stereotype down here. The struggle is real.
My daughter explains one of the girls who is a “real live cheerleader for her brother’s team” has put herself in charge. So naturally, she tells everyone what to do, where to stand, what to say. She’s the “Cheer Coach of the Second Grade” if you will.
On the playground, after this had been going on for a few days, a new girl wanted to join the “squad.” But the Coach wouldn’t let her “because she didn’t like the dress” the new girl was wearing.
It was at this point in the retelling of the story, I stopped my daughter, “What did you say about that?”
“Well, Mom, I felt bad for the new girl. She’s really nice and I liked her dress,” my daughter said. “And it made me sad when she sent her away.”
She finished her story, but I could tell we weren’t done.
Because sometimes the best thing we can say to a mean girl is stop.
“Honey, you know that yucky feeling you had when your “friend” said you weren’t pretty? It’s the exact same way the new girl felt when she was excluded. Here’s the thing about girls who are mean-they change the rules. What happens if you wear red tomorrow and she decides everyone wearing red can’t cheer? I think if you stand up for your new friend, you both might feel better.”
And I could tell by the look on her face, she was thinking hard about this. I knew she understand standing up for someone being targeted, might make you the target.
After school the next day over a snack, she said very nonchalantly, “Mom, it worked. The girl in charge changed her mind and now everyone gets to cheer.”
Moms, here’s where we get to teach our daughters and speak into their lives that we are sisters. We protect each other. We support one another. We turn away from the mean girls by saying nothing. And sometimes we tell them to stop making up their own rules because we won’t follow them. Because when we go along with something wrong, we aren’t helping. We can encourage our daughters to stand up for each other.
It didn’t take more than two weeks of school for my daughter to encounter her first mean girl. It happens. And maybe that little girl wasn’t even trying to be mean, but she was asserting control over others. You know what’s crazy? We’ve all seen it in grown up women and it’s just as ugly.
We can live by the same rules. The next time a friend talks badly about another or excludes someone, we can do the same thing we want our girls to do.
The Problem With The Child-Centered Home
Aug 04, 2014
I held up a finger when she opened my bedroom door, reminding her I was on an important call and didn’t want to be interrupted.
But she ignored my attempt to quiet her and asked the question loudly as if MY ONE FINGER in the air meant nothing.
I pointed again, more forcefully. My 7 year old kept right on talking.
Even my most threatening face didn’t stop her.
This must be really important, I thought.
I said excuse me to the professional on the receiver, covered the mouthpiece and whispered through gritted teeth, “WHAT IS IT?”
She took a tiny step backward and said, “I don’t know what to do. I’m bored.”
Y’all.
It was nearly a poltergeist moment for me.
“Go play. Give me 5 more minutes,” I said seething.
“But mom, I need you to tell me what to do.”
The rest of the phone call occurred with me sitting on the closed toilet behind a locked door.
When I hung up a few minutes later, I kept thinking about my daughter’s words. I need you to tell me what to do.
I’m not a stranger to a child-centered home. For years, we let our kids determine restaurants we ate at, we gave them ample choices, we backed down from consequences, we centered our lives around their extracurricular activities, we added fun kid stuff to every weekend so they wouldn’t be bored, and when they asked us what they were supposed to do for fun, we told them. Some days, we still reap the effects of it.
And then, a few years ago, we started to shift to a Jesus-centered home. Instead of child worship, where we bowed to every whim and demand from our kids, we refocused and prioritized our lives. My children didn’t stop being important. We didn’t stop loving them unconditionally or stop meeting their needs. We just stopped trying to fix every problem and giving in to every desire.
Last week, I told you how serving turned our home right-side up. It’s never too early to start or too late to try. We started by picking a few things off this list: 100 Ways to Make a Difference As a Family.
Listen, humans are naturally self-centered. We want what we want. Our kids are no different.
If we build our home around their every want, they will let us.
And it may seem easier because kids who always get what they want seem “happy.”
Until they don’t get what they want.
And then watch out.
My greatest calling is being a mom. I love my children and I’m grateful for them. But that doesn’t mean they are the sun and I should orbit around them in submission.
When we center our homes around the wants and demands of our kids, we are actually hurting them, not helping.
Here are five risks of a child-centered home:
It gives kids the false security that the world is about them- We can build our world around our kids, but the world won’t return the favor. Sooner or later-in school or at a first job, they will discover life isn’t always fair and they can’t always get out of sticky situations.
It puts a strain on our marriage-it’s easy to put children in front of spouses and when we put kids at the center of the home, things get out of balance, including our marriages.
It reinforces selfishness-kids don’t need to be taught selfishness. “Mine” is usually one of their first words. But constantly letting the world revolve around their demand and wishes, only reinforces selfishness.
It puts a responsibility and pressure on children they weren’t meant to carry. Kids weren’t designed to carry the burden of getting their way all the time. Not only is it unhealthy, I believe kids want restrictions and guidelines. It’s another way we show them how much we love them.
It makes them a challenge outside of home (school, church, etc). Enough said.
Refocusing our homes, centering them around Christ instead of our children isn’t easy. It takes consistent, hard work. And when our kids are begging for us to tell them what to do, we should hide in the bathroom. Or give them time to answer their own question.
Oh, and I found the perfect thing for my daughter to do. Her room has never looked better.
4 Conversations We Need to Have With Our Tweens
Jun 02, 2014
A long, long time ago, I taught one year of first grade.
It kicked my butt.
It was hard and I realized not everyone who likes kids should be a teacher.
I loved recess the most–like most of my students. I loved it because the kids would get out their pent-up energy. And the 6-7 year olds loved it because it was free time. It was also the time they would talk. And by talk, I mean share. New words were learned and stories were told.
The playground is where my daughter first heard the words french kissing. Which is obviously kissing in Paris. And before you think this is why we don’t send our kids to public school, a homeschool friend explained the word porn. Because kids.
There is education and then there is education. We need to talk to our kids about things kids are talking about. I don’t want my kids believing everything they hear, but if I’m too embarrassed or too shy to brooch the subject, then I’m having to reteach something they already have an opinion on–likely from George on the playground who has a big brother or Sally who watches too-mature movies.
4 Conversations We Need to Have:
1. We need to talk about sex and all the words we don’t want to say out loud: Y’all. Playgrounds have moved way beyond our memories of it…like when we heard you could be pregnant by kissing in your bathing suit. Kids are exposed to so much more with apps and iphones, unlimited freedom and our sex-crazed culture. Don’t be afraid to ask your kids what they’ve heard. But more importantly, teach them what is right and wrong from God’s standard. And start by listening. When we are quiet, waiting for them to talk, often they do.
2. Address the boyfriend/girlfriend thing: It took all of 9 days of the 6th grade before a girl was asking my son to be her boyfriend. He was shocked and slightly offended. His classic answer, “I’m just a kid. I’m way too young for that. Thanks, anyway!” We have a society of aggressive girls who aren’t afraid to chase our sons. Some parents my expect their tweens and younger teens (under 16) to dip their toes in the “dating” waters, but we don’t encourage boy/girl stuff. At all. It’s not cute or funny. There’s a time and place for it, but it’s not now.
After some probing after an article I read, I asked my 8th grade daughter if anyone ever did “slap ass Friday” (where boys will slap girls on the butt in the halls, while lockering, etc). She said she had seen it going on, but the school was very strict to stop it. “Plus, Mom, boys know I would turn them in so quick! They wouldn’t dare.” We often don’t say anything because we’re afraid we’ll expose our kids to things too soon. We can’t buy into that anymore. If your child is in public or even private school–or frankly, around other kids their age, we need to begin these conversations.
3. The importance of not fitting in: There is a lot of pressure to be like everyone else. I would say it’s even overwhelming pressure at this age. If your kids don’t have church or positive community within or outside of school, they are going to feel some pressure to comply with culture norms. This isn’t always terrible. It’s part of growing up. There is a part in all of us that longs to fit in, but we need to remind our kids that it’s okay to be different. We need to be talking with our kids about it and praying for good, Godly friends to be a part of their lives. There is a lot of experimenting in tween and teen years. If you’re raising your kids in a with Godly ideals, don’t be afraid to set boundaries.
P.S. Clothes start becoming a big deal. My son never cared about what he wore to elementary. The first day of the 6th grade changed that. It was a pretty easy shift for me to buy him athletic shorts instead of Osh Kosh (sorry, he’s my baby). I just didn’t know until he told me his preference. And It’s okay to say no to things or fads that aren’t in your child’s best interest. Just because it’s being sold in the stores and “everyone else is wearing it” isn’t enough reason for us to jump on a bandwagon. Modesty is a thing, too.
4. The conversation where we don’t say anything. This is the season where our kids often clam up and stop telling us everything. I think it’s probably because it’s the season parents talk a lot.We list the rules, we nag, we remind, we speak before we listen. But I’m learning the less I say, the more they open up. Instead of asking “how’s your day?” and waiting for the trite answer, if I’m quiet, they often tell me much more. This might be one of the most important conversations of all.
Don’t be afraid to talk to your kids about anything. They are waiting for you to, whether they know it or not.
The Problem With Not Having Any Losers
May 30, 2014
My first grader announced she was trying out for the end-of-the-year school Talent Show with a couple of girls in her class.
They had rehearsals at recess. And she practiced at the kitchen table. And outside.
I didn’t voice my surprise at this announcement. But I was surprised. She can be shy in front of other people. And she doesn’t usually love that kind of attention.
But I signed the permission slip, encouraged and reminded her that no matter what the outcome, to have fun.
The group did the Cup Song (inspired by first graders who did the same song the year before).
Only my little girl’s cup rolled off the table. Twice.
She seemed a little worried, but nothing that a cookie after school didn’t fix.
When I picked her up the next day, she told me her group didn’t make the Talent Show.
She was disappointed. There wasn’t a ribbon or trophy. No stage or recognition.
We talked about something unique she could do next year. She’s already planning.
Because here’s what she did win: she learned something by losing.
And that made her want to try again.
Losing is a good part of life. It helps us define what we win even in loss. It builds character. It makes us work harder.
Because in real life, not everyone can win all the time..
And that’s why letting everyone win is a big problem.
The participation trophies and the we-can’t-pick-winners-because-it-will-make-losers-feel-excluded are nothing more than a temporary reward for our kids. Making everyone feel like a winner is actually creating a culture of people who don’t know how to lose.
And it’s not just in sports and talent shows, last week a school actually called off their annual Honor Awards Ceremony in exchange for low-key recognition that didn’t make the rest of the kids feel left out since honor ceremonies are “exclusive” in nature. Seriously, I thought that was the point. Let’s not reward those who’ve had exceptional grades because it might make those who didn’t feel left out?
Here’s the problem with letting everyone win: When no one loses, it doesn’t make everyone a winner. It robs our kids of a chance to learn through failure or being excluded.
Letting everyone win empowers entitlement. It gives our children the false sense of security that we are owed something just for showing up. Letting everyone win doesn’t really make us work harder. That’s mostly learned through losing.
Participation does not always equal success.
And losing doesn’t make failures.
“There is no failure except in no longer trying.” Elbert Hubbard
So, the next time your kid loses or is excluded or doesn’t get picked, hug them. And remind them the real reward is in trying.
Because there’s always next year.
Why I Share About My Broken Marriage In My Book
May 08, 2014
She pulled me close and said the words in a hush, “ Your book for me is like the book Radical was for you.”
The words stun.
Because I know what that means. I’m looking in the eyes of a woman who is about to turn her life upside down in her yes to Jesus.
“We are about to start the book as a family,” she motions to her three teens sitting at the picnic table.
“Except for that one chapter. We may skip over that one for now.”
And I knew which chapter she was referring to without even naming it.
It’s not the chapter about being a rich mom or the one about how lonely this road has been or the messy one about family life.
It’s the one about my marriage.
The one that talks about the secret sin of pornography and how it ripped my marriage apart and how God helped me choose forgiveness. It’s the intimate and hard-to-read pages of how my husband wanted freedom more than he wanted anything else. It’s the soul-splitting journal of the long, hard road to healing and the story behind the very special words on our wedding bands we gave each other the day we decided to marry all over again.
Most people think Rhinestone Jesus is about Mercy House. And it is. This unlikely home in the heart of Africa, funded by a bunch of moms–that is our family’s yes, our God-sized dream. It’s as wild and crazy as it sounds.
But Mercy House is today. That’s not the whole story. I know how easy it is to see where someone is today and think, “Huh. Well, my yes is small. I could never do something significant for God.”
And that’s why I start and end the book with brokenness. That’s why I invite you in -because you need to know where we started, the ups and downs, the heartbreak and healing journey to our yes.
Because it’s raw. It’s real. It’s as standing on the edge of destruction as you can get.
Not only does it make where we ended up more powerful: It’s a reminder of what God can do. He can do it for your marriage, too.
I used to hate that pornography was a part of my story. You may hate part of your story, too. I used to think I was alone in my marriage troubles. You may feel that, also. I used to think I was too broken to say yes. I was wrong. You may be, too.
Now? Today, I’m thankful for the brokenness in my marriage. I would have never known its strength if I wasn’t aware of its weakness. I would never have tasted intimacy if I hadn’t experienced void. I would never love my husband like I do today, if I didn’t nearly lose him.
I don’t know the secrets your marriage holds.
But I know who holds your marriage.
I can promise you–whatever brokenness that your story contain–don’t let it define you. Don’t let it imprison you. And please, don’t let it make you feel alone. Something miraculous happens when we release the brokenness: it sets us free.
WFMW: DIY Inspiring String Art
Apr 30, 2014
[Beginning next week, I will be featuring your yes stories every Wednesday. Please continue to link up helpful links that work for you. I hope it’s a yes or two.]
A Simple Way to Teach Family a Lesson About Complaining Less
Apr 22, 2014
I handed everyone at the table a rubber band and told them to put it around their wrists like a bracelet.
We slipped it on as we finished dinner and I read these instructions from our dinner time devotional:Every time you grumble or complain, snap your rubber band.
The day before we memorized John 6:43, “Stop grumbling among yourselves.”
Guess who got the first “pop?”
My kids laughed as the first complaint rolled off my tongue just minutes after reading our assignment. I wasn’t even trying to show them an example of what not to do. I didn’t even know I was going to grumble about cleaning up our dinner mess. Because sometimes complaining is just our second nature.
Ouch.
I rubbed my wrist and watched my words.
We all did. Our 24 hour experiment proved to leave our wrists a little tender and our tongues a little more controlled.
We were listening for the bemoaning and bellyaching. We pointed out when we heard each other complain.
The most important thing this experiment did? It made us think before we spoke. It made us more aware.
Grumbling comes too easy. And when we try not to do it, we see how often we whine or complain–about each other, about our situations, about what we have and what we don’t.
When we really get a good look at what’s underneath all those negative words, we find ingratitude.
Because let’s face it: we probably all can find something to gripe about. But when we think before we speak, we can always find something to be thankful for.
Try this simple lesson today (and if rubber bands won’t work for you, keep tally marks on the kitchen calendar or cheerios around a yarn bracelet and break one off with every complaint).
Here’s what a lesson in complaining less does for all of us:
1. It forces us to admit how often we grumble or whine or speak negatively about ourselves or others
2. It causes us to think before we speak
3. It gives us the opportunity to choose gratitude over grumbling.
And while this lesson won’t necessarily rid our homes of complaining (ask me how I know), it will certainly give us something to (think) and talk about.
What To Say to Your Kids When Their Friends Get Everything They Want
Apr 21, 2014
I tucked her in bed and pulled up the cozy pink comforter to her chin. “Mommy?” she whispered after prayers were said.
“Yes, honey?” I waited.
“I am sad.”
“Really, why?” trying to remember what would cause this statement.
“I’m sad I don’t have my own iTouch like my friends.”
SAY WHAT?
“A lot of my friends have them and iPhones, too,” she said as she rattled off half her first grade class.
“Why do you want one?” I asked, even though I could have guessed her answer.
Because my friends have one.
And then I went on to tell her this wasn’t right for her at seven years old. But this wasn’t about technology (although- really?)–she could have asked for a purple pony named Lucy or a giant stuffed marshmallow that all the kids must have now. The point is, we cannot give our kids stuff just because their friends have it.
And we cannot give in to giving our kids stuff because our friends are giving it to their kids.
It’s a dangerous cycle that is hard to break.
These over-the-top two year old birthday parties are more about the moms competing with their friends than the cake-covered baby having a meltdown due to exhaustion. I watched a mom at my daughter’s tumbling class tap on the glass and give her little girl a stern look and whispered through gritted teeth to “stop having fun” and then I overheard her comparing her daughter’s skills with another mother.
That little girl flipping on the mat just wanted to have fun. Her mother was the real competitor.
We cannot make our parenting choices based on what others are doing. We have to purpose our lives with intention or we will just end up being like everyone else, caught in a trap in our culture that demands we fit in.
What do we say to our kids when their friends get everything they want?
1. We don’t do what everyone else does. We will not try and keep up. Sometimes we just need to say no.
We must choose what is best for our own family today, so that when the latest fad or must-have is hot on the market, we have a plan that isn’t tossed around by the gimmes or the pressure to give in because everyone else is.
2. We remind them about perspective: Not everyone has this or (fill in the blank). It may seem like you’re the only one in your class or in your grade or on this planet who isn’t fitting in or keeping up. But if we are going to compare ourselves to others, let’s also compare ourselves to kids who live in poverty. That way we will live in the middle of those who have everything and those who have nothing.
3. We have to plan for what we say yes to. We are intentional. Saying it too often only fans the flame of entitlement.
4. We are more concerned about who you are than what you have. I love seeing my kids happy. But keeping them happy all the time isn’t my number one priority. Parenting is a marathon and we have to remember our longterm goal of raising beautiful people who love God and others.
Sure, your kid might end up with the latest technology that you require them to save their money for and you may throw that one over-the-top 13th birthday party you’ve been planning all year. There isn’t anything wrong with these things when they are a part of your plan.
Because here’s the thing: When we parent with intention and moderation and our kids end up getting something they really want or have worked for–That gift will be intentional and not just another thing to add their pile of stuff. It will be appreciated.
Because we have to balance the natural desire to give our kids the world without giving them over to it.
Motherhood is messy.
But we can say yes in the mess and live a life that is making a difference in our world and most importantly, in our home. Because families who choose to live different do.
15 Ways to Teach Kids How to Work Hard
Apr 03, 2014
It was the first day of summer in 1984. He was 14 years old.
His dad woke him up before work and said there’s a load of sand in the driveway and shovel. He told him by the time he got home from work, he wanted the low spots in the backyard filled.
There were similar projects all summer long.
That’s how my husband was raised.
(I was raised scooping dog poop in the hot Texas sun, so don’t feel too sorry for him.)
There was also summer fun for both of us -bike riding and baseball playing, But there was also a lot of hard work. We didn’t sleep until noon or play video games until the middle of the night while mom fixed lunch everyday and did all the laundry.
We have come along way, huh? Maybe it’s time to backtrack.
Because when I declare it’s yard work day at my house, it’s like the End Times around here. We ignore the groans and moans and wailing and push through. Because hard work is good for kids. Not only does it teach them to be grateful for what you do all day long, it creates a work ethic in them that will carry them into adulthood.
Here are 15 ways to teach kids how to work hard:
Don’t do everything for them: It sounds simple, but kids will let you do everything for them as long as you do everything for them.
Require them to take care of their own space. They won’t clean it up you say? Try the age old “you can’t do or have this (fill in the blank) until you clean up this (fill in the blank)” and I bet they will.
Make them sweat a little. Like literally get their hands dirty picking up the busted trash in the street, washing the car, or the bottom of the trash can. It’s okay. They will survive.
Start early. (And remember it’s never too late to start).
Make work part of your family routine. This is just something we do. We take care of what God has given us.
Let them learn from their mistakes (don’t jump in to fix or redo everything they try to do) Let it go.
Make work fun (chore roulette).
Be an example of hard work-Let them see you working hard.
Serve as a family (perspective is everything). This has been huge for us.
Be an encourager (and not a control freak).
Let your kids be in charge of dinner (from grocery shopping to putting it on the table). Last week my son prepared dinner for the family. I needed his help and he did a great job. He doubted at first, but ended up really proud of himself.
Give them a chance to earn money, so they can learn how to handle it. This has been the single best thing to eliminate the gimme gimmes.
Teach them to save and give a % of their money.
Give them projects that require time management skills (like dirt on the driveway)
Be consistent
I married a hard-working man who is working hard to raise children who aren’t lazy. And I need to tell his parents thank you.
Maybe We Should Stop Entertaining Our Kids So Much
Mar 24, 2014
15 hours. One way.
That’s how long it took us to drive to New Mexico on Spring Break. Getting there, my children were delightful. On the long drive, they occupied themselves with reading, drawing, watching a couple of movies and asking questions about the change of scenery, and they got along well.
Clearly, we were amazing parents.
And then we piled in the car a few days later to come home. We arrived in the Land of Enchantment with one set of children and discovered they had morphed into entirely different ones for the long road home. Because all their books had been read, movies watched, pictures drawn.
There was squabbling and bickering and mostly, a lot of boredom.
While I wasn’t looking forward to the drive home either, the getting home part is sort of unavoidable, you know?
The complaining heightened to an all time high and at some point a kid from the backseat actually demanded, “Give me something to do.”
In other words, entertain me.
And this is the price we pay when we constantly entertain our kids: They cannot entertain themselves.
Remember when we used to play outside for hours?
Now we have half a dozen screens to choose from between ipads, ipods, iphones, iii-yii-yii
Remember when kids used to use their imaginations?
Now we over schedule them with extracurriculars. .
Remember when going to the park, zoo, circus, playplace, you-name-it-in-kid-entertainment used to be reserved for a special occasion?
Now we do something every other day because our kids aren’t the only ones who are bored. Parents are too.
Maybe we should stop entertaining our kids so much.
Maybe they will start creating fun instead of depending on us to manufacture it.
Because it’s really way more about entitlement than entertainment.
Now, I have done it all. I’m a guilty parent entertainer. But I’ve realized the more I do, the more they want and the less they do for themselves.
We live in a culture that thrives on entertainment. We crave the thrill of it. And that’s great for special days, but maintaining it constantly is doing more harm than good.
If we stop doing it, they will stop expecting it.
Because sometimes we have to wait.
Sometimes we don’t get our way.
Sometimes we are bored.
My kids ended up surviving the road trip. There was sleeping and made-up-game-playing and just old fashioned car-riding imagination.
Life isn’t always entertaining.
And the sooner our kids realize that, the sooner they realize they have the power to change that.
9 Things We Should Get Rid of to Help Our Kids
Mar 17, 2014
But it was the whole “It only cost ten bucks-you can get another one” attitude that I couldn’t let happen a moment longer.
So, I gave her a job that required hard work and gave her the $10 she earned and then I made her pay me for what she lost.
Listen, when I realized I was more than half the problem in this whole entitlement parenting challenge, it was a wake up call. Kids naturally want what they haven’t earned, especially if we are handing it out for free.
But what we have is an entire generation of young adults who got everything they ever wanted with little or no work; we have a cultural norm and it’s a problem.
Because reality is, life doesn’t give us everything we want. We don’t always get the best jobs or a job at all. We don’t always have someone rescue us when we have a bad day or replace our boss just because we don’t like them. We can’t always have what we want when we want it. We aren’t always rewarded in life.
Here are 9 things we can get rid of to begin eliminating entitlement in our children:
1. Guilt: Often we give into our kid’s requests out of guilt. We need to stop feeling guilty for not giving our kids everything they want. It’s hard to swallow, but we foster the attitude of entitlement in our homes when we are ruled by a guilty conscience. It’s okay to ask kids to be responsible for what they lose and to require consequences for actions.
2. Overspending: I think it’s good for our kids to hear us say, “We can’t afford that” Or “We will have to save for it.” Because that’s real life. We don’t have All The Money to Buy All the Things. I’ve known families before who are working multiple jobs to keep kids in extracurricular activities, when honestly, the kids would probably be happier with more family time.
3. Birthday Party Goody Bag (Mentality)-I’ve been guilty of this like most of us. But, really? We take our kids to parties so they can give a gift, but they take a small one home so they won’t feel bad? It’s not their birthday. This concept of spoiling kids (which usually goes far beyond goody bags) is temporary fun. It’s okay for them not to be the center of attention.
4. Making our day-week-month, ourworld about our kids-Working in the non-profit world has redirected our extra time. We simply can’t center our lives around our children when we are centering our lives around Christ. Child-centered homes don’t help children in the long-run.
5. The desire to make our children happy (all the time). If you visited my house, you’d find out pretty quickly that someone’s always unhappy. It’s not our job to keep our kids happy. Don’t carry that impossible burden. Typically when our kids are unhappy, it’s because we are standing our ground. And that makes for much healthier kids in the future.
6. Made Up Awards: You know what I’m talking about. Rewarding everyone who participates in every area only fosters an inflated self esteem. Kids don’t need rewards for every little thing. It’s okay to lose, they learn through failure as much as success.
7. Fixing all their problems: I don’t like to see my kids struggling. There’s a part of every parent that longs to make things right in their child’s world. But it’s not healthy to create a false reality. You won’t always be there to do so and not only that, if you’re doing it all for your child, why would they need to learn to do it themselves? Fixing all their problems is really only creating more challenges in the future.
8. Stuff: We could all probably fill a half dozen trash bags with just stuff. Excess. Try it. Bag it up and get your kids to help you and give it to someone who needs it.
9. Unrealistic Expectations: My girls are always asking for manicures. I didn’t have one until I was married, pregnant and 27 years old. I’m not opposed to the occasional treat, but it’s the attitude of expecting it because you as a parent or others have it. Just because I have an iPhone, doesn’t mean my children will get one. We don’t have to give our kids everything we have. It’s okay to make them wait for things in life.
It’s okay to toss out these things. Go ahead, give it a try.
To the Children of Texas
Mar 14, 2014
We’ve had two weather days in our part of Texas this winter.
School was canceled. Roads were sanded. Bread aisles were emptied.
And before you northerners mock us too badly, it’s been the coldest winter for us in 40 years.
Plus, there was real live ice.
On one of these days, I watched my Texas kiddos scrape bits of dirty ice from the mailbox and cram it into a ball and call it a snow since they had never seen real snow before.
Poor Texas children. It was pathetic.
And then it was nearly 80 the next day.
We are on our way home from Spring Break in New Mexico, where my hubby and I lived after we got married. On Sunday, we got to share about Mercy House with the church we youth pastored nearly a dozen years ago.
We also found real snow in the Santa Fe mountains.
This happened immediately:
Here are 10 things we learned about snow:
1. It’s all fun and snowballs until your hands get too cold. And then it’s a literal meltdown.
2. Snow reflects the sun and causes really bad sunburns.
3. Moms have guilt when their children have blisters on their noses.
4. We were able to make every Frozen song applicable. Over and over. “Do you want to build a snowman?”
5. Plastic storage lids are perfect sleds. #rednecks
6. Kids aren’t sore after learning to ski.
7. Parents can hardly walk.
8. Light skiing burns 2400 calories.
9. Related: Everything tastes delicious after skiing.
10. Snowball fights cause real life fights. #siblings
So, dear children of Texas, now you know what a real snow day is.
Dear Moms of Littles, This Might Be The Most Important Thing You Do Right Now
Mar 11, 2014
She had a two year old wrapped around her leg, holding on for dear life, while she bounced her crying newborn in her arms as we talked.
“What’s new with Mercy House? Oh and the refugee women in Houston?” I noted the longing in her voice. I started to answer and she whispered wistfully, barely audible over newborn noises, “I’m jealous of your life.”
I almost laughed off the comment–because my day had consisted of a crammed “to do” list, computer issues, a rushed meeting, dragging boxes to the car to mail, two dramatic daughters, several carlines and a tension headache.
My life is hardly worth being envious of….
But I knew she wasn’t talking about my day.
She was referring to my season in life.
And in a blink, I was the one standing in the kitchen of an older friend with a strong-willed two year old and a nursing baby, longing for my days to matter.
Dreaming of doing something big for God or at least getting enough sleep so I could dream. Or actually sleep.
I took her baby and patted his back, “Right now, your days are long. But the years are short. What you are doing-the burping, the diapering, the chasing, these days matter. Love is not waisted. Loving your babies is the most important thing you can do right now.”
I suggested a few things she could do from home (and directed her to this book) and offered a few ideas for her to help me out if she wanted to and she seemed excited.
But sometimes the best way to serve is to know our season.
And recognize its value.
This isn’t to say moms of littles can’t serve. But first you need to recognize being a mom of small ones is service. Service is never small.
Because you are the only one who can do it.
We often long to do more because we don’t believe what we do matters.
I love talking to others about saying yes. But we need to say it right where we are.
Maybe changing diapers is how God wants you to change the world right now.
I have more time to serve. My season allows it. But instead of having littles wrapped around me, depending on my body, I have kids who lean on me for a shoulder to cry on. And instead of sneaking out to Target when my babies were all asleep by 7pm like I used to, I’m up until 10pm listening to heartaches and headaches that tweens and teens often carry.
This is my season.
But just like winter blossoms into spring, seasons of motherhood change too. Sometimes they blow in like a storm or break the ground like a pastel miracle, new seasons are always coming.
So, don’t wish this time away. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Recognize it as your yes for now.
Because tomorrow the winds may change and you’ll have an opportunity to step out in a new way.
This just might be the most important thing you can do today.
WFMW: DIY Prayer Board
Mar 05, 2014
I love love love inspiring, intentional home decor.
And so when I saw this project my sweet friend Justina posted on Facebook, I knew I had to make it.
But I also know that I have to do laundry first and I didn’t want y’all to have to wait for me to get to it. So, I asked Justina to share this beautiful idea with you.
1. I just took an old unattractive picture out of the frame, painted it with one coat of paint I had on hand.
2. I used thumb tacks & twine to finish it.
3. After it dried, I hung it in a central place in our home:
4. And added the faces we have been praying for by name during our little Devo time every night, and I can’t even explain how awesome it’s been for our family. I want to add mini flags to represent where everyone is in the world.
P.S. While praying for our missionary & ministry friends, we now pray with our eyes open!
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Thanks so much for sharing, Justina! Isn’t this the best idea, y’all? I love the visual reminder and I can’t wait to make one! I think it’s the perfect place to add our Compassion kid’s pictures and those we pray for regularly.
And seeing my family on that board, definitely works for me.
The Truth About Church No One is Talking About
Mar 03, 2014
I can remember lying beneath the pew on Sunday nights with my twin sister.
I can remember coloring and drawing pictures quietly while the pastor preached.
I can remember what happened when we weren’t so quiet.
I can’t remember not going to church.
We rarely missed the three weekly services and that didn’t count Easter Pageant practices and Friday night youth events. I left those pews for Bible college and left Bible college for church staff positions. I spent the first thirty-something years of my life inside the church walls.
I’ve heard hundreds of topical, expository, textual, and biographical sermons. I’ve listened to dozens of personal testimonies and shared some of my own. I’ve attended discipleship courses and witnessing classes. I’ve done Beth Moore Bible studies for countless Thursdays and I’ve attended my fair share of Christian conferences. I have five versions of the Bible and 12 crosses in my home decor. I know a hundred Christian songs.
I took it all in. I was a beefed-up Christian.
But for most of my pew sitting years, I ignored something very important.
I was full of faith, but I wasn’t obedient.
Our churches have everything these days–killer kids programs, cool and traditional decor, an array of worship styles, and some even have bookstores and coffee shops, fitness classes, x-box game rooms, multi media events, but something is lacking. It’s obedience.
I’ve read the Bible my entire life, but for most of my time on earth, I haven’t done what it said. I stayed away from the big sins and wore my Christian t-shirts. But often when I was asked to serve or say yes to God, I would answer, “Let me pray about it.”
I got fat on the Good News. I hoarded it all to myself and didn’t share it.
And then a few years ago, I got fed up with my unhealthy diet of the American Dream. I was sick to death with affluenza. I was bored and busy with temporal things that didn’t matter.
I was cured when I decided to do whatever God told me.
I said yes and I will keep saying it–even when it feels small, even when I don’t know what to do next, even when I am inadequate. Because it’s not the results that matter–the success or failure–it’s that I am being obedient.
I’m sad that for most of my Christian walk, I fell for the lie that church was the holding tank for believers. If I just went to church, that was enough. But church isn’t the culmination of Christianity, it’s the springboard for our obedience to God.
I love my church. I look forward to attending every week! But the truth is we were never meant to just attend church. There are people all over the world dying for this faith. There are people held captive by sin and poverty, waiting on someone to come share the news about Jesus. Christians don’t have the luxury to add church to their lives like it’s an optional elective.
Church isn’t the place where we draw the line at the door and say to those inside the walls “We are good. We are right. We are done.” Because when we do that we are saying to those outside, “You are bad. You are wrong. You don’t matter.”
Instead we are commanded to turn our churches into a hospital for hurting people, not a club where we are comfortable. When we walk in obedience, it’s risky. It’s scary as hell. It’s the wildest thing we will ever do. When we are willing to walk away from our comfort zone and say to God, “I will do whatever you tell me,” we’re embarking on a journey that will change our lives. And nothing will ever make us feel more alive or fulfilled.
This is Christianity. This is faith in action. These words from James chapter 2 (Message translation) leap off the page:
Dear friends, do you think you’ll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? Does merely talking about faith indicate that a person really has it? For instance, you come upon an old friend dressed in rags and half-starved and say, “Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!” and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup—where does that get you? Isn’t it obvious that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense?
18 I can already hear one of you agreeing by saying, “Sounds good. You take care of the faith department, I’ll handle the works department.”
Not so fast. You can no more show me your works apart from your faith than I can show you my faith apart from my works. Faith and works, works and faith, fit together hand in glove.
19-20 Do I hear you professing to believe in the one and only God, but then observe you complacently sitting back as if you had done something wonderful? That’s just great. Demons do that, but what good does it do them? Use your heads! Do you suppose for a minute that you can cut faith and works in two and not end up with a corpse on your hands?
21-24 Wasn’t our ancestor Abraham “made right with God by works” when he placed his son Isaac on the sacrificial altar? Isn’t it obvious that faith and works are yoked partners, that faith expresses itself in works? That the works are “works of faith”? The full meaning of “believe” in the Scripture sentence, “Abraham believed God and was set right with God,” includes his action. It’s that mesh of believing and acting that got Abraham named “God’s friend.” Is it not evident that a person is made right with God not by a barren faith but by faith fruitful in works?
25-26 The same with Rahab, the Jericho harlot. Wasn’t her action in hiding God’s spies and helping them escape—that seamless unity of believing and doing—what counted with God? The very moment you separate body and spirit, you end up with a corpse. Separate faith and works and you get the same thing: a corpse.
This is the truth no one is talking about. Obedience transforms the church from a meeting place to a moving body with flexible parts so that together we can reach a broken world.
A couple of Sundays ago, we drove a loaded u-haul truck in front of our church that they had rented for us to hold the donations. What started as a simple yes of obedience turned into an avalanche of action from our church. My daughter asked, “Are we going into church today?” We had an hour drive to the refugee apartment complex where we would serve the rest of the day. I looked at my watch, “No, honey. Today we won’t be going into church.”
“Instead we are going to BE the church.”
We are going to put our faith in action.
We worked like dogs for people who’ve been treated worse than dogs most of their lives. We were hot and sweaty and outnumbered. We were overwhelmed and exhausted.
We were the church inside out.
At one point, as I led an elderly man around with his voucher to choose his 15 most needed items, he stopped and said in broken English, “Do you love the poor? Only people who do this love the poor.”
I stopped and answered slowly, “Yes, sir. I love the poor.”
And without hesitation he looked me square in the eyes and said, “Then you must love Jesus.”
The truth of his words were like a sucker punch.
I am compelled to obey–not because I just want to do more–frankly, I have enough to do. I am compelled to obey because I love Jesus and I have to share him. It’s an overflow of the miracle that has happened within me. This is the gospel.
This is our job. This is the moving body of Christ.
There is a local ministry in place that is helping refugees and I’m just joining in. But as I’ve started talking to local churches about supporting this new refugee endeavor in our city, I’ve been cautioned, “We can give you money, but if you need people, that will be challenging.”
It’s time we exchange our comfortable seats for a place of service. It’s time we say, “We are full; we have enough, it’s time to share.”
It’s time to make our churches a hospital.
It’s time to open our eyes to the needs around us, right in our own cities.
It’s time to stop just attending church and start being the moving body of Christ.
With feet in action.
I Think We May Be Missing Something Very Important
Feb 24, 2014
It was a hot February day in Texas. We only had a handful of volunteers and hundreds of needy refugees had already formed a line, so everybody had a job. Even our kids. Especially our kids.
From across the parking lot, I watched my 14 year old give directions to the handful of kids barely taller than her waist. This small army of children were in charge of the mound of toiletry and hygiene items we were sharing with refugees in our city.
I blinked back tears as they divided the supplies into over 100 paper sacks.
They sorted donations, led refugee families around the free garage sale, and collected their vouchers for needed items.
They worked for hours and never complained.
Earlier in the weekend, I felt guilty for roping my family into all this extra work. What started out as a simple yes, ended up being a time-consuming-several-day event that is now an on-going service project.
Volunteers helped us organize and sort a truckload of donations, spread out on our driveway. When my 6th and 8th grade kids got off the bus, their friends asked if we were hoarders.
I think that might be called Junior High persecution.
As I watched my kids work hard in preparation for that day, jump in and serve refugees and navigate a language barrier, I quickly realized they didn’t need an apology for not making the weekend fun! filled with more stuff! just for them! all about them!
It reminded me how healthy a bit of hard work is for all of us and how rewarding it is to serve other people.
As parents I think we’ve missed something very important in our culture. In an effort to make family a priority and give our kids what we didn’t have, we’ve become a child-focused culture. In many ways, we’ve lost our purpose. The sense of entitlement our kids exhibit is fueled by a parenting model that is obsessed with giving our children what they want and by making our kids the center of our lives.
In a way, we are just too into this parenting thing. We used to have birthday parties where A CAKE made it special and now it’s an EVENT. We used to pass out store bought Valentine cards, now we have them professionally printed with photographs and candy and goodie bags and mylar balloon bouquets. We used to play outside with sticks and get dirty; now kids have a variety of expensive game systems and a lot of technology at their disposal.
This quote by Jerry Seinfeld made me laugh because it’s so true. But then it really made me think.
The bedtime routine for my kids is a royal coronation jubilee centennial of rinsing and plaque and dental appliances and the stuffed animal semi circle of emotional support. I have to read 8 different moron books to my kids. Do you know what my bedtime story was when I was a kid? DARKNESS. My parents would yell “Go to bed!”
We’ve all probably done the bedtime dance. I remember one of my kids had to have a certain color of pacifier to HOLD in her hand before she’d sleep. So, clearly, I’m no expert here. I’m learning from my parenting mistakes, too.
But in centering our world around our children and giving into their demands, we foster entitlement.
Most entitlement begins because we lack the courage to tell our children no or because we don’t exhibit the strength to keep our no a no.
We continue to enable entitlement by rewarding our kids for everything they do.
We may be taking away the sense of satisfaction and pride that comes from genuine achievement.” Jason Walsh, a special education teacher in Washington, D.C., witnessed this firsthand during his school’s fifth-grade graduation ceremonies. Some students received as many as 14 different awards. “The majority of the students didn’t know what their awards really meant,” says Walsh. The honors “didn’t reinforce a specific achievement—but a sense of entitlement and of being great.”
Kids don’t need more stars and stickers.
They need more hard work.
Kids don’t need more activities.
They need more unstructured time.
Kids don’t need more stuff.
They need more opportunities to give their stuff away.
Kids don’t need more store-bought or manufactured fun.
They need freedom to create their own.
I looked at my exhausted, dirty children who gobbled down sandwiches in the car on the way home after our full day of serving, grinning silly and full and I didn’t feel bad at all.
Because I realized I had given them something money couldn’t buy. I had offered them something more valuable than the latest technology or hottest brand. I had given them perspective. And opportunity.
A few days later, I wanted to reward my kids. I’m definitely not against a pat on the back. But as I offered a small token for their great attitudes and hard work, it occurred to me they didn’t need a sticker or star or reward from me for serving others. It was time for me to change the way I parent.
Because working hard and serving others was their reward. Just ask them.
If Your Marriage is Broken
Jan 28, 2014
It was 8:30 in the morning on a Saturday in January and we were still in bed.
Is there a better way to begin a weekend?
My husband flipped to his side and said, “I’m sorry.”
I stretched and yawned myself awake and that’s when I remembered we’d gone to bed the night before irritated at each other.
It was a stupid little fight. Aren’t they always? It wasn’t really about the price of ski pants (don’t ask). It was simply the result of two thick-headed people who both wanted their way and refused to budge.
We’ve been married 19 years. You’d think we would have moved past this stage–the one where we argue over insignificant things, get mad and pout. And we have in many ways. It happens less often and we get less angry and over it more quickly, but every once in awhile, I want my way more than I want to get along.
“I’m sorry, too,” I whispered.
And then we talked about why we got mad in the first place. It’s always a deeper issue. Most arguments about money are really about fear. Most arguments about parenting boil down to control or the lack of it. But on this particular lazy Saturday morning, the conversation led to a long talk about things we were struggling with personally.
When I reluctantly left the cozy down comforter for a quick shower, I felt like I knew my husband a bit more. I could see the stress and burden he carried more clearly. And I wanted to bless him. He understand why I was on edge and we vowed to love each other better.
That pillow talk wouldn’t have happened without first the struggle. When we can push past our little grievances and irritations and lift the veil of life and circumstances, we can grow together towards God, instead of apart.
Our world used to fix broken things, remember that? Our grandmothers darned socks with holes in them. Our grandfathers rebuilt and repaired damaged things. Our moms superglued little $1 store figurines.
Now we throw things away.
We live in a disposable culture that tosses damaged things because it’s easier. It’s quicker, it doesn’t require hard work or humility.
If your marriage is broken, don’t throw it away.
Fix it.
Take your marriage back and fight for it. Talk. Forgive. Change. Confess. Laugh. Counsel. I understand that not every marriage is repairable. But for those who let little issues become bigger than they should, I urge you to fix what’s broken, instead of starting over.
We don’t do a lot for Valentine’s Day at our house. But we proudly show off our love all year long–there are less repairs that way when the storms of life hit.
[Updated with winner, Rachel, random commenter #34]
One couple will receive a his and her shirt and a pair of *ahem* these or these (winner’s choice). Leave a comment if you’d like to win.
Discount Code: Use Code U28LOVE5 at checkout for $5 OFF any Union28.net order of $25 or more. (Does not include Clearance items or Gift Certificate purchases) OFFER VALID THUR February 14, 2014.
Make every day special, even the broken ones.
How To Pray for Your Strong-Willed Children
Jan 23, 2014
My little girl barged into the bathroom while I was soaking in the tub.
My head snapped up from my book.
She walked over to the edge of the tub and stuck both hands in my warm water.
And wildly splashed.
There went my relaxation. And my privacy (thanks, broken bathroom door lock). And my temper.
“Please don’t touch the water again,” I whispered through gritted teeth.
She stared at me and let her fingers hover over the water, so close to touching, but not quite. So, obeying. But just barely.
This is a strong-willed battleground and I know it well.
In the last 14 years, between my two strong-willed girls, there have been meltdowns and tantrums and wild words and power struggles. There have been moments of anger and tempers and tears and regret from all of us. We have hurled angry words at each other over little things that don’t matter, the color of clothes, the length of shorts, the scary stuff under beds.
We have found our way, only to falter and find it again as we navigate this life together.
Much of parenting is two steps forward, one step back.
My daughters are loyal. They are determined leaders. They stand for justice. They work hard and are fiercely protective of those they love. They can’t be bullied or manipulated. They are rule followers, but also risk-takers. They are respected by their peers. They know what they want and nothing can deter them. They are passionate lovers and fighters. And they never stop talking.
They walk into a room and light it up.
Their iron clad wills have rocked my world. And even in the hardest moments when I fail them or they fail me, I wouldn’t change who they are for a minute.
Because their fierceness will change the world.
And so I pray this over them, under them, before them and after them:
God,
You gave me strong girls. They are a gift. You and I both know, this is a hard calling.
Please help me not to crush their determined spirits with all my rules and regulations.
You created them to color outside the lines, give me the courage to let them.
Channel their determination into purpose. Turn their stubbornness into pliable willingness to say yes to you. Teach them to yield their steadfast spirit and help me to let go of what doesn’t matter.
I need help mothering: Show me how to look past the attitude and see a pure heart. Lead me to look for the good and appreciate the crazy. Instead of controlling them, teach me to empower them. And instead of drawing a line in the sand and demanding my way, remind me that these girls are a whole lot like me.
Oh, and see what you did there.
Most of all, teach all of us how to follow you.
Amen.
The Most Important Thing We Can Teach Our Kids in an Over-Sexualized World
Jan 16, 2014
It was the middle of the night. Or day. Or whatever that fog of time is called when your jet-lagged family is in-between flights at an airport in Paris, on the other side of the world.
We had an extra hour and we were on a mission to find Chapstick for our windburned lips. We stumbled into one of those airport stores that has everything from duty free cigarettes to luggage and split up to start our search. My husband walked one way, but I thought I spotted the familiar red and white tubes and headed the other with my little one following behind me. The label was in French and I wasn’t sure if I’d found what I was looking for and turned to look for an English speaking attendant.
That’s when I saw my two older kids. My teen daughter had a shocked look on her face and was just turning to look for me. I heard her say her brother’s name sharply after she noticed what he was staring at and his head snapped up just as I walked towards them. He looked at me. “Mom?” he said confused. I looked at the row of magazines in front of him and realized my son was standing in front of a half dozen magazine covers in the center of the store. Pornography.
It was Europe after all.
“I didn’t mean to look,” he said. “I just…’
“It’s okay, son. Looking once is unavoidable. It’s what we do after that first look that matters.”
Everything is filtered in our home: we have protected Internet, our Netflix account has a parental password, we opted in addition security on Google images, and Net Nanny on our phones.
We aren’t paranoid, we are proactive. Plus we are highly sensitive to this topic since it nearly destroyed our marriage nearly ten years ago.
We are also prepared. We talk about the dangers online. We have a stack of books we’re working our way through from living in purity to fighting lust. We are open about what our kids are exposed to from peers.
Protecting our children from our sexually-charged culture is something we work hard at. And in one unavoidable moment, it happened. My sixth grade son saw pornography right in front of me.
And that’s when I realized something gravely important: It’s impossible to filter the entire world. I can’t do it forever. It’s not realistic or even my job. Instead I have to equip my kids.
You can’t turn on the TV during a half-time football game and escape breasts and tiny shorts or checkout at a grocery store and miss Miley Cyrus hanging nude from a wrecking ball. My kids don’t have smart phones to receive sext messages or view explicit images online, but friends at church and school do. And really, we’re all just one click away from something we can’t un-see.
The most important thing we can teach our kids is self control. Because let’s face it: no matter how well we parent, our kids are going to be tempted. It goes with being human. Self-control is the ability to control our emotions, abilities and desires. It’s the power to stop spending money we don’t have, to tell our kids no when entitlement rears it’s ugly head. It’s exactly what we need to teach our kids to stop eyes from looking the second time.
Without self-control, we are absolutely defenseless against sin. “A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.” Proverbs 25:28. When the word self-control is used in the Bible it describes a person who is willing to get a grip on their lives and take control.
Self-control is the key to living in our sex-crazed world without giving into it’s lustful appeal. And as hard as it is to accept, our kiddos are sexual creatures and at some point in their lives, it will appeal to them. That’s why we can’t wait. Here are three things we can do to help our kids (and ourselves) exercise self-control in their lives:
Model it. Our kids are watching us and we are their example. And when you blow it, apologize and try again.
Ask God for it. Self-control is a gift from God. The more we get work on our relationship with Him, the more empowered He makes us.
My husband pulled my son close as we paid for the Chapstick and walked towards our gate. “Whenever you see something like that, look away immediately. Bounce your eyes and try really hard not to look again. You might be tempted to look again, but ask God to help you have self control not to.”
I’ll never forget that day in the airport on that cold day in December. But instead of remembering it as a day of failure, I see it as a day of opportunity to teach my kids the importance of self-control and second chances.
*Updated to add* If you’re not a regular reader here you might read this post out of context with the way we live our lives for God (and what I’ve written for years). While I’m encouraging parents to teach self control and fleeing sin to their kids, that’s only part of it. It’s mostly about pursuing Jesus and showing our kids how satisfying it is to have a relationship with him. The closer we are to God, the less we want the things of this world. That’s the foundation we base our lives on.
What Really Happens When We Give Kids Everything They Want
Jan 09, 2014
It’s a conversation we’ve had countless times in our house. It doesn’t matter what it’s about–the newest technology, the latest fad, the most popular shoes- it’s treacherous ground to add it to our want list so we can be like everyone else.
These five dangerous words are turning homes upside down. When we give our children everything they want (because everyone else has it), it speeds up their childhood: We have six year olds addicted to technology, carrying around their own ipods and iphones without limitations; eleven year old sons playing bloody battles of Assassin’s Creed over the Internet with strangers instead of playing ball outside; And 13 year old daughters shopping at Victoria’s Secret, wearing angel wings across their bums, looking far older than they are.
But worse than losing a generation of children, this choice breeds a nasty virus. Because maybe if we keep giving them everything they want, they might just drive a new car intoxicated and kill four people and be diagnosed with affluenza.
The psychologist testifying for the 16 year old boy who did just that, defined affluenza as this: children who have a sense of entitlement, are irresponsible, and make excuses for poor behavior because parents have not set proper boundaries.
“I am an RN working on a psych unit, and I see everyday the effects of entitlement. I see adults in their 20′s and 30′s who always had everything they ever wanted given to them while growing up, and now they just don’t get it. They are unemployed, either living with parents or with one friend or relative after another, or on the street. Having been given everything they ever wanted without working for it while growing up, they don’t feel that they should work for anything now. They were raised to think they could do no wrong, but instead of growing up to have high self-esteem, they have grown up unable to function. They cannot take disappointment of any kind. So we have a generation of kids that don’t want to work and can’t function as adults. Because they have no coping skills of any kind to deal with life, they become depressed and often turn to drugs and/or alcohol to feel better. Then, they end up on our unit, depressed, suicidal, and addicted,” a comment on this post.
Why are we saying yes to our children too early, too soon and pulling in the boundaries? I’m not sure, but I think it starts here:
We don’t understand the future implications of giving them everything they want right now
We want them to have the life we didn’t
We are afraid to tell our children no because we know there will be backlash or because we think they will feel loved if we say yes.
We want them to fit in with their peers because it’s hard to be different.
To conquer the affluenza virus, though, one must first recognize it within himself and ask why and from where it comes. Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you frequently buy things you do not really need?
When shopping, are you unable to control how much you spend?
Do you envy the lifestyles of the rich and famous?
Do you feel bad when your neighbors have things you do not?
Do you measure yourself by what others have?
Do you ever use shopping as a means of escape?
Do you use your possessions to impress others?
Do you compare your possessions with what your peers have? If so, do you experience a feeling of superiority that yours are better?
Do you speak often about the things you want?
Do you find yourself complaining about the things you want but cannot afford?
Do you think of spending your money more often than saving it?
Do you often think your life would be more complete if you had more money and possessions?
“Jesus, speaking to the people, he went on, “Take care! Protect yourself against the least bit of greed. Life is not defined by what you have, even when you have a lot.” Luke 12:15
So what’s the cure?
Maybe it starts with the little word no. We aren’t going to buy, get, do that just because others are. It’s okay to want things, but there’s a big difference in getting something because you love it and getting it because you want to be loved.
Maybe it starts with deciding why you do what you do. Don’t let the culture lead your family. Because it certainly will. I heard this week the most popular word among teens in 2013 was twerking. Do we really want society guiding our children?
Maybe it starts with reality–no, not everyone has, does, gets ____ (fill in the blank). We’ve discovered other people who don’t have ____(fill in the blank), but we’ve had to look for them and pray them into our lives. The world will tell you (and your kids) you’re completely alone. But that’s a lie. There are other families swimming upstream against our society and affluenza.
Maybe it starts with a dab of old fashioned failure (I love what this teacher said below).
“Some parents don’t wish their kids to fail. I admit I want my children to. I want them to fail, so they can learn how to get back up. I want them to not get every gift they want on their Christmas list, so they can appreciate what they have and work for what they don’t. Lastly I hope all of them get at least one or two teachers they hate. That way they will learn that in the real world, they will have to work with people (and bosses) they may not like,” a teacher who left a comment on this post.
Maybe it starts with exposing them to how the majority of the world lives. Affluenza is a first world problem. Hunger is a real world problem. Give them an opportunity to serve others.
Hebrews 13:5 “Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I really don’t think our kids want the latest technology or the hottest name brand as much as they want something else. Oh, they think they do. And they will beg and plead (and drive us crazy) for it. But deep down, they are hungry for something deeper that satisfies and lasts a lot longer than just stuff. Giving them firm boundaries, love and perspective is exactly what we can offer them.
5 Signs Kids are Struggling with Entitlement
Dec 19, 2013
I finally wrapped a couple of gifts and put them under the tree. I don’t know about your house, but the minute I do this every year, my kids get really interested in what’s happening under the tree. Curiosity kills my kids. And the cat.
“Mom, when are you taking us shopping to buy gifts for you and Dad?” one of my kids asked.
“Do you have money to buy gifts?” I asked.
Eery silence.
“Well, I was thinking you could give us money. Um, to buy your gifts with,” came the answer.
Every month we give our kids money and it’s up to them to buy things they want (we provide things they need and also many wants). When I reminded my daughter of this, she said, “Oh, I wanted to buy a cute Christmas shirt with my money.”
Ah, choices.
When I polled my other kids, they too, were short on money and big on expectations. Now, I’m not a Scrooge and I don’t want to rob my kids of the opportunity to give gifts to others. But I also refuse to rob them of the privilege of hard work. Because that’s when the joy of giving is revealed.
So, I created a Jobs to Earn Money For Christmas Gift List and stuck it on our family memo board. I mentioned it once and waited to see who really wanted to give gifts this season.
In our culture, it’s hard not to let entitlement creep into our homes and lives. It’s especially challenging not to fuel the expectations of our kids by our own parenting choices to make life easy for them and give them everything they want. We struggle with the “you owe me” mantra in our home. I’m writing about this because it’s an issue we really battle. But the first step is admitting it.
According to this must-watch Glen Beck segment, there are four cultural trends that contribute to the entitlement movement:
Self Esteem Movement– Raising kids with the “you are special” mantra isn’t healthy for kids. They don’t need to hear they are the best at everything and everything they do is the best (instead of look at me, it should be I’m a person of value that God created. Self esteem isn’t bad, but narcissism is).
Celebrity Culture-Reality TV shows highly dysfunctional people, and celebrates bad behavior. Rich celebrities are portrayed as ignorant and they are worshipped in our culture.
Emerging Media– The growth of social media has altered reality, enhanced self-promotion, offers a “fake” sense of who we really are, as opposed to who we present online. Technology is not bad. It’s like fire-it serves a good purpose, but it can get completely out of control and dangerous.
Credit Bubble-This culture feeds on comparison. Not only in comparing ourselves to what others have, but also in getting it for ourselves even when we can’t afford it.
In our own homes, these trends can manifest in our children. This is what it might look like:
Five Signs of Entitlement in our kids:
1. I want it now. Kids are impatient and who can blame them? We live in a drive-thru culture and instant gratification is well, instant. And often we find ourselves living in fear of saying no because our children are used to getting what they want.
2. I don’t want to work for it. Why work when it can be given to you? It’s fosters a cycle of laziness and poor work ethic when we constantly give to our children without requiring any work. We need to create entry points starting at a young age for our children to contribute to household chores and jobs.
3. I don’t have to clean up my mess. We battle this one often. I’m learning to choose my wars. But I believe this is also responsible living. If you make a mess, you clean it up.
4. I want it because everyone else has it. My 7 year old has asked for an Elf on the Shelf every day this week. Why? Because she feels left out that many of her friends have one. And that’s awesome for them, but I don’t want that to be the focus of our season and I honestly don’t have time or energy to create things for the stuffed animal to do. The bottom line for us: it’s okay for you not to have what everyone else has. I asked my daughter, if everyone had a swimming pool, would you want one too? She said yes. Clearly, we are working on this one.
5. I expect you to fix all my problems. I love to help my kids out. But there’s a fine line between helping and aiding bad behavior. If my child forgets their lunch everyday and I bring it everyday, there’s really not a reason for them to ever be responsible. My kids expected us to give them money for a gift for us. Instead, I found it the perfect chance to teach them about hard work and let them solve their own dilemma.
This week, my son spent about 4 hours raking leaves in our big backyard. He had blisters on his hands and he worked very hard.
My oldest babysat for five hours and my youngest earned money by cleaning and organizing under all the sinks in the house. When I took them to Target to Christmas shop, they were so proud to use their money. My teen spent more than she planned, “Mom, I love the way it feels to buy for others” she said as she counted out her hard-earned money.
My job here is done.
Not really, but it did make me smile to hear those words. The reality is, entitlement will rear its ugly head more than once this week and probably next. It’s a constant battle to remind our children and ourselves that we aren’t owed anything, that life is a gift and it needs to be appreciated.
So, what do we do about it? We can counteract these negative expectations by expecting more from our kids and teaching them these principals from Empowering Parents:
Money doesn’t come easily.
People work hard to earn money; it’s part of life.
If you want something, you need to work to earn it.
You are not entitled to things you haven’t earned.
Compassion for others (show them third world problems, so they have perspective on their first world ones)
Responsibility for Actions: there are consequences and rewards for our behavior and choices
Parenting is hard. Doing it in our culture is even harder. But it is possible to raise grateful, hard-working kids who put others first. That’s my goal anyway.
How to Have a Stable Home This Christmas
Dec 08, 2013
It’s strange to return from November on the Equator to December in full swing in the Lone Star. To an unlit house, undecorated tree, unwrapped gifts. And six days of unturned Advent pages.
Motherhood and Christmas go together. It’s mostly up to Mom to hang the stockings over the mantle with care, to make the house happy and bright, to play Santa if she so chooses, to handle the wrapping and coordinate the baking and to keep Christ in Christmas…. It’s a pleasure and pressure pot, all this merry-making.
And throw in hectic calendars, three school band concerts this week, a 6 year old turning 7, a basketball game and the emotional ups and downs that sometimes accompany the holidays… oh, and jury duty on a Monday.
It’s enough for an undoing.
“Mom, we are so behind on Christmas,” my 6 year old said as I stood over an intimidating pile of unwashed laundry and unpacked suitcases.
She wanted to do the things of Christmas. And I was about to come unraveled.
Her words matched my own holiday To Do list, the one that reminded me that if we were really going to capture the magic, we would have to chase it down, and fill our days with pin-worthy recipes and memory-making and house-decorating, shopping and crafting, parties and handmade gifts in recycled jars.
She precariously carried a box of ornaments from upstairs where they’d been sitting since November-something. Itching to catch up, I opened the plastic lid and held a red glass Santa, a favorite from my childhood. And it slipped right thru my fingers and shattered.
Into a thousand bright pieces against the unforgiving tile.
Broken.
It left me feeling shaky.
It left me looking around for something stable.
My oldest rushed into the room frantically looking for her winter scarf that matched the cozy sweater that went with the tall brown boots. She turned the house and the atmosphere upside down as only a teen girl can do and before I could say ho ho ho, it was a winter storm of attitude and anger.
Peace, it’s what I crave. Not just in my home, but in my heart this Christmas.
Peace that says Rest.
Stop.
Don’t Do.
Be. Still.
Because this year, I’ve decided we won’t catch up. We won’t mark it all off our list. We won’t get the best cyber deals or go ice skating at the mall (thankfully). We won’t make homemade ornaments or trim our tree to be magazine worthy. There won’t be an Elf on our Shelf.
We will be behind this Christmas.
But isn’t that was followers do…stay behind? They are led. By a Leader. The One searchers found swaddled in a barn, born to die. To be the gift we unwrap this Christmas.
And He is saying Peace, be still. Not as the world gives, but as I give.
I swept up the glass on the floor and asked this Savior born in a messy stable and a broken world to give me a stable home this Christmas.
To fill me with peace, not more pieces, to quiet the raging, waiting list and help me focus on the unending gift of His presence. The Present.
How to Have a Stable Home This Christmas With Your Children:
1. Do less Stuff: Resist the urge to do it all. You don’t have to make all your gifts, compete with the neighbors, be Mom of the Year this season. It’s easy to get so tangled in the festivities that we are left exhausted and undone. I remember having a meltdown one year because I missed a couple of devotions on the Advent Calendar with my children. Oh, y’all. Christmas is not about doing and I’ve learned that the hard way.
2. Be the Gift: Want to bless those in your life? Want to give your kids the most memorable gift ever? Be the gift. Give your love and time. Turn off the distractions and live.
2. Stop Keeping Up: I’m not visiting Pinterest these days. Once I decided I can’t keep up with all the perfection of matching Christmas pajamas and hand stamped gift wrapping, the desire to keep up left me. We can get so wrapped up in doing Christmas, we miss the true meaning altogether.
3. Seek Peace: If you long for peace this season-in your home and heart- find Jesus. If you’re kids need peace, your marriage, He’s there. That’s where we will find peace. Jesus is Peace.
4. Be Still: I love Ann’s new Advent Devotional, The Greatest Gift: Unwrapping the Full Love Story of Christmas. If I could recommend one resource, this is it: It’s short, daily, doable chunks of inspiration (even if we are days behind). It’s a moment for our family to connect around the table, add an ornament to our simple Jesse Tree and pause our busy lives. I especially love the fill in the blank spaces for reflection.
5. Be Led: Instead of following our culture down a sparkly-lighted path that demands more is more, be a follower. Be a disciple of Jesus, our leader. The great thing about our children is they will generally follow where we lead. He will guide us if we let Him.
Sometimes life can feel precarious and uncertain this time of year.
The only way to remain unshaken is to start at the stable.
Raising Grateful Kids in An Entitled World
Nov 21, 2013
When my family moved a few miles away to a smaller town last year, we swapped a huge school district for a smaller, more rural one, a push mower for a broken down riding one that my hubby fixed and city sewage for our very own septic system (just don’t play in the sprinklers). And while we are still close to The City (and by city, I mean Target and Chick Fil A), it was time we two-stepped over to the other side–and became a boot-wearing family.
On the way to the Rodeo a few weeks ago, one of my kids had a nasty, ungrateful outburst and I was half tempted to leave them in tennis shoes (the horror), but grace won out. Outfitting our children in cowboy boots was quite a splurge (hubby and I already had some).
After a fun day, we drove home, and this same kid’s ugly attitude showed up again with a bit of entitlement thrown in and it went downhill from there. There was dysfunctional family activity (so glad my life isn’t a reality show) and my husband asked for the boots back. This sort of broke my country heart, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
We didn’t buy the boots, so we could return them. As a matter of fact, my hubby couldn’t find the receipt at first and I bit my nails because THIS PARENTING THING IS SO HARD. We wanted our child to share the joy down to their feet, but it was the heart that needed the immediate attention.
The said child cried and begged and promised and fretted. And then pulled the grace card: “Why can’t you show me grace?”
I piped up and said, “Buying you the boots in the first place was grace” and then I recounted the earlier behavior.
My husband put the boots back in the box and stuck them on a high shelf in the laundry room and said,”If you want the boots, you’ll have to work for them.” He pointed to the huge mulched areas in the front yard and then the back. “You have 3 days to pull every weed. I won’t remind you, it’s up to you. It’s your job if you want it. It pays in boots.”
And that was that.
I wanted to high five my man and sob with my child, all at the same time. Because, lo, the weeds were many.
Our big yard is muddy and wet and full of weeds and I grimaced at the job, wondering what my child would choose. I was a silent cheerleader on their behalf. And my heart soared when I heard the front door click and I saw my offspring in old clothes sit down for the long hours ahead.
For the next two days, I watched my child work hard and get hands dirty and heart tender.
When my husband handed back the boots and I heard a true apology on my kid’s lips, I knew we had all won. “You earned these. I won’t take them away again.” A certain little cowhand is walking high around here and those boots means twice as much this time around. Hard work pays off and changes us in the process.
We live in an entitled world and whether we like it or not, children in our culture are consumers. It has become a global issue because they are a captive audience and the average kid views up to 40,000 commercials a year and business pour up to 17 billion into that advertising. Source. If you still doubt, just walk down the Easter aisles in your local store. Because only a consumer-driven society could take a Savior on a cross and turn it into a four aisles at the grocery store.
“Marketers want to accomplish two things with our children:
And this combination is creating a generation of children who aren’t grateful, who expect everything to be handed to them and don’t really know how to work and this breeds the greatest enemy of all: discontentment.
Just look at what our culture has done with holidays. They’ve turned it all into hoopla and not only is it confusing to our kids to live in a world of made-up celebrations, it muddies the waters of the Holy ones and their true intent is lost.
If “true godliness with contentment is great wealth” (1 Timothy 6:6), then discontentment leaves of spiritually bankrupt and completely empty.
Honestly, I don’t blame the kids. As parents, we often foster this mentality with our own actions. We compare ourselves (and our homes, cars, etc) to what others have, we let media (and ultimately, advertising) influence our home by not limiting screen time and we have a hard time deciphering between needs and wants.
Fighting the entitlement battle in our home is hard, but here are some things we are doing to try and live counter-culturally in this area:
We are Asking for Hard Work– I think many kids in our culture (my own included) don’t know much about hard work. I grew up in a house that worked. We cleaned and did yard work every weekend and everyone helped clean up the kitchen every night. A few weeks ago, we spent most of the day in the yard. And the more my kids complained, the more I realized how much we had neglected giving them hard, dirty work. My kids get their own laundry basket and take over washing, folding and putting away their clothes when they turn 8, they take turns helping clean up in the kitchen and their rooms, but it was clear to me that a little hard work was needed. I’m excited to say a truckload of dirt and rock are sitting in our driveway right now, waiting a few hard workers. Oh parenting, you do come in handy. (Phil 2:14-15)
We aren’t Making Unrealistic Promises-We regularly tell our kids not to expect us to pay for college. While we hope to help in some way, we don’t have plans to pay it for their college education in its entirety. We expect them to work hard now, focus on their gifted areas, get scholarships, part time jobs, etc, to contribute. We try not to make them promises that only enhance the entitlement attitude in our culture or promises we don’t know if we can keep.
We are Sticking to Consequences-If we suggest a consequence, we commit to seeing it thru as often as we can. I’ve come up with some stupid consequences in my day and have regretted my rash tongue. But something clicks in our kid when they understand we are serious about some things.
We are Limiting Media-Hushing the voices of our culture that is telling our kids all the stuff they need comes in part by tuning it out. Media specifically targets our children to want a lot of stuff they don’t need. We have a TV and computers and devices, but besides filtering them, we turn them off. My kids still complain about it, which reinforces exactly why it’s important.
We are Exposing Them to the World-I’m a firm believer that an entitlement attitude is in direct correlation to perspective. When you’re only looking and thinking about yourself, you can only see what you want. But when you remove the blinders and see needs around you and in the world, it alters your perspective. Exposing our kids to other cultures and how most of the world really lives, stirs up gratitude like nothing else.
We are Extending Grace-Living by a bunch of strict rules and do’s and don’ts isn’t the answer. Being flexible with your own rules is not only necessary, it’s healthy for your family. And let’s face it, who doesn’t need extra grace? We are on the same team.
We are Examples in our Mistakes-Ouch. This is the hardest. When I compare and complain, I’m leading by example. When I am thankful and gracious, they are watching. As I make mistakes, I’m offering them the greatest lesson. It’s important to admit when we are wrong and ask for forgiveness when we hurt our kids.
We are Raising them to Be Different– I Peter 2:11 Our society has low expectations of kids. We expect toddlers to get what they want and teens to be rebellious. Instead of helping our kids fit in every area of their lives (an impossibility, really), we are encouraging them to go against the flow, reminding them we’re supposed to be different than the world. They are normal kids and have longings to fit in-we all do. We just aren’t going to compromise our beliefs or lives to do so in every circumstance.
We are Relying on God- By far, parenting is the hardest job. And honestly, there are so many days, we don’t know what to do. Our kids belong to God. He loves them more than we do. He wants to guide us down the hard roads.
Our family certainly didn’t need new boots, even though we plan to wear them for years to come. But walking a mile in them taught us a great lesson in gratitude. Some days we feel like we’ve lost the battle against entitlement in our home; we are still in the trenches, trying to figure this all out. But as we reflect on Jesus’ sacrifice and turn our attention to The Cross, it’s thankfulness for His sacrifice and our chance at New Life that I want them to grasp the most.
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