Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

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**Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens**

Welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast – a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescence

This season of parenting is no joke – and while the details of what we are all moving through might be slightly different, we are having a collective experience.

This is a space where we center building relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth.

My name is Casey O’Roarty, I am a parent coach, Positive Discipline LEad Trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sproutable. I am also a speaker and published author. I have been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate being a mom with my own two young adult kids.

I am honored that you are here… Please give back to the pod by sharing it with friends, or on social media, and rate and review on Apple or Spotify – work of mouth is how we grow!

Thanks – enjoy the show!

Latest Episodes:

Eps 225: Kristina Kuzmic is sharing her story of staying grounded on the wild ride of life Mar 17, 2020

Show notes

What you’ll hear in this episode:

Why you shouldn’t wait
How Oprah discovered Kristina
Why we need to get uncomfortable with self-criticism
Why you need to write Ta-da lists instead of To Do lists
Maintaining perspective about things that didn’t get done
Making a habit of personal growth
Empowering our kids to do things for themselves without taking over
Having compassion for our kids
Creating space for sharing and connection in your relationship with your kids
Searching for love in your marriage
Love as a daily choice
Why asking for help is important

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Eps 224: SOLO - Creating mindfulness in our romantic partnerships Mar 10, 2020

Show notes

Today is a solo show – woop woop!

Being in a mindful relationship…

What is mindfulness?
Why is it important on the parenting journey?
Why is this important in life?

I went to a mindful couples workshop with my husband this weekend

Why did we go?

Morning of…

How I did my work when it was hard to do

Modeling setting intention

Letting go of being attached to the experience of my husband

Why this is relevant to our kids and parenting and life

Setting the context with how I showed up and what I was willing to own

Offering lots of loving support, acknowledgement, options

While also leaning in and inviting vulnerability – speaking into the elephants in the room, making things explicit

Learning processes for deeper listening and communication

SO MUCH like PD
Connect before correct/redirect
Positive Intent
Looking for solutions not blame
The iceberg
Process over product –
Relationship is everything!!!
Took the trainer aside to share….

One of the processes reminded me so much of the Family Meeting, but instead of using the model for the family, you use it as a couple.

Safe space for venting about a few things that rubbed you wrong
A useful place for problem solving
I would add time to celebrate each other before getting into it….
One of our “issues” is talking about money – ben makes most of it, I budget and try to save it. This is a hard one for us to discuss without having clear goals that are the boss.
Come together to have a vision
What is this going to take
Weekly check ins on how we are doing

I also have some amazing clients that are such an inspiration to me.

Super intentional with checking in on relationship
Super articulate in how they are celebrating each other

20 years later…. It takes work

Awareness that we are in an ebb
Willingness to do something about it

Kristen Bell – “I will be with Dax on the porch at 80” – we can get through anything

So yeah, tend to your relationships – we talk so much about our relationship with our teens and younger kids here – equally if not more important is our relationship with our partners.

Hope you are feeling inspired!!

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Eps 223: Decolonizing Parenting With Yolanda Williams Mar 03, 2020

Show notes

Today’s guest is Yolanda Williams. Conscious parenting is really close to her heart, and she knows what it feels like to grow up without a voice and with violence as a consequence. Raising a black child in a world filled with white supremacy can seem insurmountable at times but she firmly believes that conscious parenting is activism against racism. Yolanda is raising a carefree child to be her authentic self, unafraid to use her voice to stand up to oppression with unshakable confidence and self love. Yolanda wants to help teach other parents to do the same. She's the co founder of Conscious Parenting Time, whose mission it is to decolonize minds by teaching the art of conscious parenting to raise intellectually spiritually and socially free black children. She's also the host of Parenting Decolonized, a podcast on a mission to shine the light on how colonization has impacted the black family structure and what to do about it. Join us!

"I'm not here to make anybody else feel comfortable with the truth of racism, but it's supposed to make you uncomfortable.”

“If I feel like you are genuinely asking a question and I don't feel like you're trying to center yourself when you ask this question, I will politely answer it. But my job is not to educate white people on racism. That's not the job of any person of color.“

“Being White and Whiteness are two separate things. I don't think people really realize that because whiteness is a construct, just like race is.”

“Our culture does judge black parents more harshly. Period.”

“Our kids may already be targeted just because of their race, nothing that you can do is going to stop a bad police officer or a bad teacher or someone who is just a racist from being that person.”

“I'm not going to change who I am to make white people comfortable.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

The difference between being White and Whiteness
How the Black parenting experience is different
The subtle and not so subtle ways that parenting has been colonized
Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome
The risks and challenges that come with parenting from a place of fear
Parenting a Black child as a Black person vs as a White person
Authoritarian parenting attitudes and dignity double-binds
Belonging and significance in the face of racism
Internalized racism - what it is and what it looks like
How early unconscious biases show up in education
Cultural pride as a way to insulate against racism
Curating an environment that centres cultural pride
The importance of Black history
Being intentional about decolonization
The Black Panther and their policy

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

You know, when I think of joyful courage it makes me think of this quote by Audrey Lord and it's like the basis for everything I do. She said, "Raising black children, female and male in the mouth of a racist, sexist suicidal dragon is perilous and chancy. If they cannot love and resist at the same time, they will probably not survive." So that's like love and resistance. Yes, what joyful courage is for me. I mean, I have to have courage to change the status quo. And I have to model what joy and unconditional love looks like inside my home. Because home is where security and safety is and love. And as scary as being a black parent is sometimes I can't tell you how much joy it gives me to be raising my daughter in this revolutionary way and to watch her grow into an amazing black woman. Like, it gives me a lot of joy. I love that.

Resources:

Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome

Amazon Prime documentaries by Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

Where to find Yolanda:

Parenting Decolonized Podcast

Parenting Decolonized Facebook Page

Conscious Parenting Time Facebook Page

@cptime Instagram

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Eps 222: SOLO SHOW - how's the connection at your house? Feb 25, 2020

Show notes

Hey all!

Today is a solo show… I am so honored to be here with you.

Today is all about connection and relationship (again, I know, but really, it’s what’s up).

Broken record in the conversations I am having in the teen group as well as the super fam
Relationship relationship relationship
Not as a “strategy”
When relationship is offer, disconnection si present, its like we are on unstable ground
Belonging and significance
Being seen and heard
Feeling valued/ Feeling safe– routines/agreements/family meetings
At their heart they are a connection activity

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Eps 221: Sarah Rosensweet talks Positive Parenting and letting go during the teen years Feb 18, 2020

Show notes

My guest today is Sarah Rosensweet.

Sarah is a Peaceful Parenting leader and coach. Peaceful parenting is an approach that uses kind, firm limits with lots of empathy. Parents are in charge but give their kids the support they need to meet their expectations. She emphasizes connection and supports parents in prioritizing relationship with our kids.

Sarah knows that our relationship is the most effective way we can influence our kids.

Sarah and I spend time today discussing some of the biggest take-aways from The Self Driven Child – a powerful resource written by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson.

What you’ll here on this episode:

What has changed for Sarah as a coach as her kids have entered the teen years
The Self Driven Child
There can only be one driver on the train – that is your child
We need to manage our own parental anxiety
We get to trust that our children know what they need
Sarah shares a personal story about her son and his report card and how she used what she learned from the Self Driven Child
Our response matters
Allowing our kids to make decisions about their own life
Letting our own limited yet intense beliefs about all the possibilities get in the way
“We care so much that they don’t have to.”
We have to trust our kids to learn from all of their choices
It’s hard to give up the drivers seat
Resiliency comes from surviving difficult things
Our teens are moving with a limited bank of experiences
Using curiosity is powerful and ask our teens if they want to hear our opinion
We can be involved, without controlling their every move
The sweet spot
Middle ground for encouraging teens to nurture relationship
Stay Connected to Your Teenager by Michael Riera
Loosening up the limits
“It’s your call…”
Casey shares her story about her teen daughter dropping out of school
The number one thing teens need from their parents….

Where to find Sarah:

Website | Facebook | Peaceful Parenting with Teenagers

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Eps 220: SOLO SHOW digging into strategies for creating space for emotional safety for your teens Feb 11, 2020

Show notes

Today is a solos show - YAY!

Coming off of the mental health mini summit… I am reminded time and time again about the importance of creating an environment that support our kids-teens in being who they are. A space that feels emotionally safe.

We hold the container, we set the tone, right?

Before we can do that we really need to decide what it is that we want to create?

Speaking with clients about this, before a big conversation or event, I will aks them, well, what is it you want to create? What is most important for you that your child receives?

Strategies for creating a home environment that nurtures safety

Routines/Consistency/dependable structure
Asking permission/Being curious
Being available/Non judgmental
Validate their experience
Own your stuff
Trust that your kids ARE thinking about what is best for them
Power of perspective - 3 bs and the outside observer, remembering the iceberg

Therapy -

One of the things that has been really useful for me lately that I am digging into through therapy is identifying key times in my life where I felt lost, isolated, and really pulled away from my parents…. And if I could go back that that girl to tell her what she needs to hear…. Some of what has come up has been:

This must be really hard, it must feel really confusingYou are ok just as you are, you are enough and worthy of loveI am here for you

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Eps 219: Being a Shameless Mom with Sara Dean Feb 04, 2020

Show notes

I am so excited to welcome Sara Dean to the Joyful Courage Podcast. Sara is the creator and host of the Shameless Mom Academy Podcast, a top rated podcast with over 2 million downloads. Her biggest passion is helping women own their space. After enduring a long infertility journey, and then a full blown identity crises following the birth of her son, Sara took her background in psychology/health/ wellness and rebuilt her identity – one step at a time. Today, Sara motivates and inspires women to stop shrinking and start growing in every aspect of their lives. She is on a mission to inspire women and moms, in particular, to live bigger, bolder, braver #everydamnday.

"I realized over time that I wanted to be having conversations about helping women take up space, rather than always trying to shrink in the space they existed in.”

“Perfect is paralyzing.”

“If you're in perfectionism, there's no momentum.”

“We need to give ourselves permission to feel in big ways and to be vulnerable with those feelings.”

“It's okay to cry, but suffering in silence is the most surefire way to destroy yourself.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

The role of mindset
Outcome versus process goals
Moms and worthiness
Why perfect sucks
Perfectionism, procrastination and high achieving women
How perfectionism robs you of momentum
Doing B- work
The role of routine and structure
Creating mental freedom
Giving ourselves permission to feel
Intuition and finding the lessons in the chaos
Learning to sit in discomfort
Finding gratitude in hard moments and hard phases
The universality of challenges and trauma
Why women suffer in silence

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Eps 218: SOLO SHOW Revisiting the power of the 3Bs Jan 28, 2020

Show notes

SOLO SHOW

Interviewed for the positive parenting conference by Sumitha Bhandarkar from afineparent.com and she wanted to interview me about my book – fun to remember that I wrote a book!

Deep dove into the three Bs.

Then last night I had my first of 6 live parenting classes here in Bellingham.

Being vs doing

Theory, belonging and significance

Power of perceptions

Humans are social beings – everything in the context of relationship

Iceberg

why is it important to keep in mind?
HALT
Problem we see is a solution/response to a problem we don’t know about
Mistaken beliefs about self/others/world
Why is it hard to remember to consider the iceberg?
BECAUSE WE ARE USUALLY PISSED ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING AT THE TIP!!

WE HAVE OUR OWN ICEBERGS!!

At the tip of our iceberg is our emotional/instinctive response to the behavior we are seeing right?

And what is under the surface?????

HALT!!
Feelings of defeat and beat up about mistakes we made…
Conditioning/baggage from our own experiences

Ahhhhh – so many icebergs!!

So we are wired to connect…. And remember what Dan and Tina shared in EPS 215 --- the four s’s – seen, safe, soothed, secure. THIS IS WHAT OUR KIDS NEED, and isn’t it what we need too?

We get to learn to offer this up to ourselves

Back to the three Bs – this is one tool to support us in creating the four S’s for ourselves, so that we can then offer them up for our kids – show up better, attuned, connected, loving.

Lets play with the 3 Bs…. I am going to guide you through them, while also explaining deeper the purpose and power of each B….

Breath

The breath is an tool that directly effects the nervous system – and when we are in fight or flight, you can bet our nervous system is working overtime -rapid heart beat, tension, we are full of adrenaline…

Attending to breath allows for a settling in…. a slowing down… an opening….

Body

Riding the breath into the body in search of any leftover tension…. Allow the breath to soften the body, the small muscles in the face, the neck, the shoulders….

We want to soften the body, open the body so that we can soften and open the mind….

Balcony

Once you feel yourself soften, find your balcony seat, imagine that you can lift up and out of your body and look down at your experience, as if you are watching a show from a balcony seat – you are accessing your outside observer. The part of yourself that is separate from your experience, knowing that you are having an experience…

From this place, this outside observer place, look at yourself through the lens of compassion, through the lens of love…. What is happening under your iceberg? Can you be a nonjudgmental observer? What happens when you get curious about your experience….?

Breath body balcony – the 3 Bs.

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Eps 217: Exploring Collaborative Emotion Processing with Alyssa Blask Campbell Jan 21, 2020

Show notes

Today’s guest is Alyssa Blask Campbell. Alyssa has her Master's of Education in Early Childhood. She is a leading expert in emotional development speaking to people around the world. She is a podcast host for Voices of Your Village and the CEO of Seed and Sew. Alyssa has been featured As an emotional development expert and publications such as the Washington Post, Kids VT and Family Education. After co creating the CEP method, which she's going to tell us all about, she researched it across the US and co authored a book on it scheduled for publication next year. Alyssa is deeply passionate about building emotional intelligence in children, stating that it's never too early or too late to start, thank goodness. Alyssa shows up as approachable and welcomes people into her village to get support at all ages and stages shame free. Join us!

"In order to be able to do that social piece, the kindness, the respect the empathy, the social awareness components, we have to know how to navigate the self awareness and self regulation first.”

“Sometimes times it's really just getting down to what is our feeling about what they're feeling or experiencing.”

“I believe that it's our job to find the calm, not their job to get calm for us.”

“It's safe for me to feel this because it's not going to last forever.”

What you’ll hear in this episode: