Today is a solo show – woohoo!
I am having a really hard time prepping a solo show…. Part of the problem is that I feel like I am really in my own work of finding some space inside of my fears and worries about my parenting.
Am I too permissive? Am I avoiding conflict? Or am I meeting my kids where they are at?
Am I being pragmatic, or is this confusing?
Am I enabling or am I meeting my children where they are at?
What is going to happen to them?
Will they be able to cope in the future?
Will they ever feel passionate about anything?
Do they feel worthy of showing up, standing up, giving back?
I literally have been waking up in the middle of the night gripped with tension in my body and mind, spinning through all of these questions, coupling this with “what if…”
Well – I made an appointment to see my fave energy worker to see if I could get some help with removing these blocks, letting go so I could release these fears. And you know what came up – it is time for me to get some therapy.
Yup.
See, I am super aware of what is happening when it is happening. I can see the way I am in the middle of my family, grasping for strings to bring me a sense of control and safety – what is really happening is that I am becoming so entangled in their experience, that I may actually be making things worse… Or maybe not, but the dynamics in my relationships are not what I want them to be.
Shift into love. Shift into connection. Surrender, let go.
But what happened, what I learned or was reminded of from my energy worker, is that the “shift” I want to have happen, that I actually want to have happen, is bypassing the very real need that my inner girl has to be seen and heard and felt.
Between the messages I received growing up, and the persona that I try to fill in my career, there is this mistaken idea that to belong, or to matter, or to be “doing my work” I need to not fall apart. That falling apart is somehow weak, or a crutch, or I don’t know…. Not enlightened?
I can pinpoint times in my life where my experience was being dismissed, where I was told that there wasn’t space for me to breakdown and I have internalized that to the point where I can’t move through my pain.
And right now, the pain is fear and self doubt and worry…. My system wants to take the short cut to just breathing, finding neutral with my body and taking the balcony seat (doesn’t that sound familiar?)
And I am not here to say that the breath body balcony tool isn’t helpful, I do believe it is, AND there are times when the work that is being called for goes deeper than mindfulness with breath and journaling.
Working out what I am being shown as a place to get messy and dig in is actually going to support me in using mindfulness/the 3 Bs as tools for daily practice of being in relationship with my teens, WITHOUT bringing in the baggage of what I am holding from my own past…
It’s like when I work with teachers, I get to facilitate PDC, which is super useful all of the kids, and there are a small percentage of the kids that need more, right? For various reasons, there are some kids in the classroom that need more, they need a team, they need creative problem solving that is a bit more out of the box than the majority.
That is where I am at right now on my own journey, and I need a team. I have some things to work through, beliefs to reframe, and some validation of my human experience to receive. I get to spend some time digging into my stuff in a way that lets it all come undone, finding a feeling of safety for being with the breakdown, so that I can breakthrough what is on the other side of these limiting beliefs.
Thank you so much for listening…. Please let me know how this show has resonated for you.
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